The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Kirk Fox - HoneyFox

Episode Date: July 17, 2023

My Honeydew this week is comedian, Kirk Fox! (Reservation Dogs, Jury Duty) Kirk Highlights the Lowlights of his childhood, a marriage, and fatherhood. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://youtube.com/@rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail] CATCH ME ON TOUR https://www.ryansickler.com/tour August 4th & 5th: St. Louis, MO August 11th: Los Angeles, CA August 18th & 19th: Tampa, FL September 1st & 2nd: Springfield, MO September 15th & 16th: Tulsa, OK September 29th & 30th: Pheonix, AZ October 27th & 28th: Salt Lake City, UT December 8th & 9th: San Francisco, CA SUBSCRIBE to The HoneyDew Clips Channel http://bit.ly/ryansicklerclips SUBSCRIBE TO THE CRABFEAST PODCAST https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187 SPONSORS: Mindbloom -Get $100 off your first six sessions when you go to https://www.Mindbloom.com/podcast/honeydew

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You guys know what we're doing over here. I always say these are the stories behind the storytellers. Ladies and gentlemen, I am very excited to have this guest on today. First time here on the Honeydew. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Kirk Fox. Welcome to the Honeydew, Kirk Fox. I'm just watching. I'm just watching you bring it in. It was quite exciting. Did you feel you want to sit up on that mic now? I can. You want me even closer than that? How's this? Is that better? Yeah, there you go.

Already telling me what to do? Yeah. Okay. How's that? That's good. Now I feel cramped, there you go. Already telling me what to do? Yeah. Okay, how's that? That's good. Now I feel cramped. Now I got to lean in. Get comfortable, Kirk Fox. Well, I was here.

Yeah, but you got to be comfortable where people can hear you. I don't know. I don't know if they need to hear me. They can get a feel. Kirk Fox, it's a pleasure to have you here. Can I ask you one question? Since you said we're here for an hour. Now, I noticed you were looking at that camera.

I was. Should I be looking at this one? That's you right here. If you want to look direct, this is our wide right here. You're on TV. You know how this works. No, I really don't know how the cameras operate. That's our wide.

That's mine. That's you. So I will avoid yours. And that's me if I need it. That's you if you need to look out. And then you'll edit this to make you look great. It's being live switched as we speak right now oh see i didn't know that okay so right now the world is seeing this no not

it's not airing live just kirsten is switching it actively while we're doing this so it doesn't have to be done in post-production okay so that's exciting you with me me? Well, I'm slowly working into it. I feel you coming out of your shell. You come in hard and fast. I remember that. And it's just not who I am. I'm still trying to find my footing in this little room. I see the honeydew, right?

Okay. Do I have a backdrop? Yeah, you have a backdrop. That's a shot of me when I was out in Nebraska with Tom. I don't even want to look at it. It's one of the dates I did that you didn't do. We've done some dates. We did the Chicago Arena together.

We'll always have that. And suits. The only time I ever wore a suit on stage with you. Me too. I didn't like it. I didn't mind it, but I'm not going to choose it. No, suits. Felt a little more restricted.

This show has a lot to do with trauma, I believe. All about trauma. When I put on a suit, I'm not happy in the suit. I feel a little choked, like a boa constrictor. I had a TV show once where I had to wear a suit every day, and there was no comfort. There was no happiness. Well, can we talk about that a little bit?

We can talk about that a little bit? We can talk about anything you want. I love that about you. But before we do, please feel free to plug and promote. You don't do this. So plug and promote everything. Tell people, where can they find you on TV? You've got two shows, correct? I do have two shows. They can also find me here on Honeydew, I believe in July. July 17th, I believe, in July. July 17th, I've heard. Okay, so I'll plug that date.

July 17th, you can see me on Honeydew right there. It's a cup of coffee with nothing in it, but he'd like me to take that so that the merch is out there. But I'm on Reservation Dogs, which is on Hulu. But it'll be on FX July 26th. They start showing- It does feel like an FX show. I watch it. Well, it is. It's FX on Hulu, but now it's going to actually be on FX.

Got it. So that's exciting for me. It's like I have another TV show. We just wrapped the third season. That's where I got this haircut. Yeah, I love it. It's a mohawk, I believe. And I like it.

I've always wanted one, but I was going to wait until someone paid me to do it. I was going to say, you got paid to wear this haircut, and it looks good on you, bro. You'll find that out in the next hour. I don't like to spend money. I'm frightened. So that's trauma. I don't want to spend money. I don't have any. And I'm looking forward to one day living on the street. So that's interesting. See, I know you, and I still don't know if that part's true, and I believe it could be. I believe it absolutely could be. It's definitely true. I'm a minimalist. One day, I dream of just being by myself in a one-bedroom apartment on a beach somewhere. I do have a family right now, but I'd be okay walking away. And that's rare.

It's not that rare. They know. They know. I'm looking at- It's not that rare. People walk away from their families all the time. Well, I told you out front that marriage is a bit of trauma. And you say, are you allowed to say that? I said, I don't want to cause you any problems. But what could be the problem? If you're honest in life, how could that be a problem? You tell me. I'm just telling you.

You're the one that said you didn't want to cause any problems. Yeah, for you, I don't. Who cares? So, all right, let's go to the beginning. Do what you got to do. Where are you from? I'm from San Diego, California is where it started. And do you have siblings?

I'm the youngest of five. Five? Five. Wow. Okay. According to my father, I was the last drip from a leaky faucet. He literally said that to you. I'm not making it up.

Everything you hear today will be honest. Whether you want to believe it or not, that's your problem. Was he a humorous man or was that meant to be jokey or was that meant to be like you didn't have a good relationship and you were an accident? Oh, I'm sure it was with a twinkle in his eye. But I mean, did you have a good relationship? Of course. I've had the greatest life ever. That's why, you know, let's talk about trauma. Well, I don't really have any. And even if there has been, it's all how you react to a traumatic experience.

I ride the middle. All right. That's a great album title right there. I'm not swayed by praise or blame. So if someone dies, I give them a hug and say, thanks. All right. Tell me about your mom. Did you have a good relationship with mom? Yes. And did your parents have a good relationship? Were they together? So you're a product of five children and your parents were married.

They were married. All right. Are they still with us? They're not. They're not. They've made their exit. Who went first? I'd have to check the paperwork, but I believe my dad left before my mother. How old were you when your dad died? I'm not good with age. Ballpark it. It was in 2020.

He was 86. I said, how old were you when your dad died? You can't subtract three fucking years. No. Oh, no. I'm sorry. 20. You said 2020.

No, that wasn't it. He died in 2010. All right. So 13 years ago, your dad passes away. No, sorry. See, I'm not good. I think it was in 2000. All right. So. That's quite a while now. Yeah. That's 23 years. Yes. That away. Oh, sorry. See, I'm not good. I think it was in 2000. All right. That's quite a while now. That's 23 years. That's fair enough.

Yes. So that's kind of when he made his exit. What did he pass from? It was some sort of cancer, but he didn't want to know. He didn't go to the hospital. He just let nature take its course. I feel like that's exactly how you would probably handle that. If I had four minutes to live, you could take me in two. If someone said you have four minutes left, I could get all I needed to do done in two minutes. All my goodbyes, all my thank yous. So that's it. And I- Oh God, dude.

I live my life where- Where does this come from? Why? It doesn't just start that way. Who taught you this? Clearly it came from, I would say my father. Not your mom, your dad? I would say more of my dad. He would say, get out of bed, stand on your head, take a deep breath and say love. He'd say, isn't it wonderful? And we'd say, what?

And he'd say, when we as earth planet travelers become aware of our relativity with the great universal life force, that's how I started every day. As a child? As a child, I try and carry it in life. Do you do that with your son? You have a son, right? I think a daughter, but I'm not going to label her. I think that's up to her to decide. But do you think that's labeling just to tell someone how to get up in the morning? No, if she's a son, it's- Oh, I see what you're saying. It's a daughter. Her name is Addison. She just turned five.

That's a great name. And I like being a dad. Yeah. What do you like about being a dad? It's just nice to have someone truly need you. I like when she looks up at me and says, Daddy. And I was just in La Jolla yesterday. And for two days, it was her first little

vacation and it was we stayed at the la jolla beach and tennis club and at one point she just took off running down the beach and i started chasing her for a long ways and it And it was kind of nightfall. And just running after her at full speed was the best feeling I've ever had in my life. Wow. Without question. And a lot of it came back to... My dad was a house painter by trade, and he was painting a house down in La Jolla, and right there at La Jolla Shores in the late 40s, I think. And he had a little dog named Bruce that he came out to California with on a 1947 Indian Chief motorcycle. And Bruce was on the gas tank wearing goggles.

And whenever Bruce looked back, my dad knew Bruce needed to take a pee. What a relationship. And then my dad would kick over the engine and the dog would come wherever he was. But my dad was painting a house in La Jolla with this dog. And the dog suddenly took off down the ladder and started running down La Jolla Shores, right where I was chasing my daughter. And the dog ran for almost a mile, maybe a half a mile down toward Scripps and Blacks Beach, around the rocks. And my dad finally caught up to this dog and the dog was barking at a woman. And my dad picked up the dog, looked at the woman and said, one day you'll be my wife. And that was my mom.

Is that real? What did I tell you? You did tell me. I said, if I'm talking, it's real. I didn't drive all the way. That's how your parents met. I didn't drive all the way to Santa Monica to not be real. I appreciate that.

So that dog picked out. Bruce chose your mom for your dad. And my mom was actually engaged at the time to someone over in Pearl Harbor. Okay. And the guy's name was Robert Bruce Willis. Nuh-uh. Yes. And my mom went to Hawaii.

Bobby Bruce Willis. And my mom went to Hawaii and decided to see which one she liked most. And then she came back and married my dad. So when I was chasing Addison the other night along the beach, it was just like my dad was chasing Bruce. Or running to your mom. Well, following Bruce or running toward my mom. But whatever happened that night on La Jolla Shores 80 years ago,

whenever that was, happened. I was here because of my dad, and Addison was here because, and all right on that beach. I mean, it really goes back to Bruce. You're here because of Bruce too. Yeah, it makes sense. Pretty wild. Little Australian jumper.

And then my dad married my mom and moved in with her and her mother in the same house that my mom grew up in. And I married my wife and moved into her house with her mother. Is that right? That's your wife's childhood home? Yeah. And her dad's, which was same as my mom's. So I'm mirroring my dad.

You really are. And then we squeezed out her mom, my wife's mom. So now it's all ours. Squeezed her out. She doesn't like me that much. But that's who I am. So where does this come from? I think my dad, a handyman in San Diego.

But always very zen like that, always very just. He was just floating as I am, did just enough, whatever it took. You're telling me that moment running down the beach is the greatest moment of your life. Are you present in that while it's the beach is the greatest moment of your life. Are you present in that while it's happening or is that something you realize after? I'm present in every moment. You're able to be there? Were you thinking about your dad and mom and everything during that run? Oh, of course.

Of what you just told me? It was a feeling of, ah, because I knew I was at La Jolla Shores, and I tell that story. So it was exciting. And when your dad passed, how was your mom with that? Smooth. She was the same way? Of course. My dad died, and when he got that cancer, he was supposed to go quick,

but he hung in there for another two years. Toward the end, I said, dad, why? Why are you still here? He's supposed to have been gone a couple of years. And he says, I want to see your mom so bad every morning. I just keep waking up. Jesus Christ. So they had a good little love affair, I think. I mean, they slept separately, which makes sense. No one really wants to be locked into a bed with a woman for more than 20 minutes. So that's, you know. I mean, I share a bed with my wife wife and i'm happier when i don't have to

are you well of course why well you say of course you say like everyone feels better i think every man would rather sleep alone no one wants to have to share a bed are you a man i'm a man do you sleep better alone no oh you need to be held and cuddled i don't need to be held and cuddled but i like to do the holding and cuddling but yeah i like big big spoon that's awesome big spoon me i love that i'm not too fucking proud to be big spoon well good i i like or or if it's just you and me laying in there in the bed as long as we're touching feet, you know what I'm saying? I just don't like to be touched. Just a little touch.

I sense that. I'm sensing that. I say I'm like sandpaper. If I bump you once, it's going to hurt. But if I just keep bumping you, you'll be smoother for the ride. That's who I am. That's what you're all about. I think so.

But we were just down in La Jolla at the beach and tennis club, and we had two beds, and it was nice. Yeah. My wife slept with Addison. And you got the- And I had my own bed, right? That's like as close as having your own room. Look, I can appreciate that because I'm one of three.

Did you share a room growing up too with more than? No. No, you had your own room, five kids? By the time I came around, they were older. Yeah, so they were out. There was a big gap. I guess so. Yeah, I always had to share a room.

I think at one point I even shared a room with my dad. It's a real old house, so there was a big room once, and he was over in one corner, and I was kind of in the other corner. So I think I remember kind of sharing a room with my dad. What would you say the best advice your dad gave you was? Or at least maybe it wasn't advice but best thing he taught you uh dulcet tones kindness forge your tongue on the anvil of truth that was one of his say he would say those things yes he's a different dude he was uh well the great thing was about my dad, when he was 60, he was trudging in the deep sand of Mission Beach.

He liked to trudge in the sand with a bamboo stick. They called him Bamboo Ben. He'd wear a knit hat and you could just see his eyes. He'd go down there every morning. He'd get up at sunrise and he'd look up at the moon at the end of this if you say all this is bullshit I wouldn't be surprised

how many times do I gotta tell you I know I don't know Ryan I'm with you they know they sense truth you're the one that's skeptical I am a little skeptical for sure but every morning he'd look up and say good morning morning you know how are things up around the moon hi venus and then he would drive down to mission beach and he would trudge in the deep sand and one day he was trudging and his heart stopped on his feet. He had shortness of breath, and he knew it was the end.

And he took a deep breath, and with his last breath, he said, Raya. Raya. And his heart started beating and he he trudged on and for the next 20 years he would trudge every day and everyone would see bamboo ben and they'd give him a raya and always open fingers raya. What's that mean? I'm going to tell you. Okay. And everyone that saw him greeted him with a rousing Raya.

And he'd even have people trudging with him, with Bamboo Ben. And kind of toward the end, I said, you know, what's Raya? And he says, it's air backwards. It's the first thing we take in when we're born, and it's the last thing we let go of when we die. He didn't know where it came from. Raya. So I give a raya often, wherever I am.

Raya. It's just love. It's just. Did you ever go trudge with him? Yeah, I trudged with him once and found a watch in the sand. So I never trudged again because I knew I couldn't top that. And I still have... Then it was about topping the watch for you.

But after he died, I went back. I've gone back and trudged in the same spot whenever i'm down there and little addison does the raya you know so there i like i like being a dad you know we tolerate the wife and embrace the child. I think that's what it's about. I didn't want to be a dad. I thought I'd gotten through life. I didn't want to be a husband. So why the shift from both?

Fucked up. Fucked up. So it's not. I slipped. What do you mean? I slipped. You don't slip getting married. I did.

You slip having a kid. I did. You can slip having a kid. I kind of slipped. How? Probably shouldn't have. Why do you say that? Because I don't think I'm built for marriage.

Well, you said you didn't want to be a dad. Those are two different things, a husband and a father. I didn't want to be anything. I like my life. All right, let's talk about husband first before dad. Okay. Why do you feel you slipped? Why did you not want to be?

Because I don't want to do anything. I just want to golf and play tennis and call my own shots and not have to be anywhere. But I think I say that's the DNA, but clearly not in you because you seem to enjoy it. But I liked it. Oh, I love it. Yeah. But what about your dad had five kids? Did he not really enjoy it?

Probably not. You don't think so? No. Why would you keep having them? Well, he liked the kids. That's what I'm saying. But I say I like being a dad now, but I never wanted it until I had the child.

It's just interesting to me that you're the son of a man who said, I'm here because every day I wake up and I still want to see your mom. Yeah. And then he has- It's a I still want to see your mom. Yeah. And then he has- That's a good line. Also has five kids. Yeah. So it just seems to me that he did really, whether they slept in separate beds or not,

that's how a marriage works for two people is their business. Exactly. And as long as it works and they both are with it, then fuck everybody else. But it seems like they made their marriage work and that he was happy enough that he didn't want to let that go um and then also had five kids so what you seem to wanted to go the other way with that of course but why do you say of course because that's just who i am i guess just wired like that from the beginning you always felt like that you did always always like you were never longing to be a dad or no?

You're probably an uncle. Are you not a bunch? I think so. I mean. The four fucking siblings that you don't know. I think so. I think. They have some children.

Does that make me an uncle? Yes, it does. I don't think much about that. Are you not involved in their nieces and nephews? I don't even know why I'm asking that. You don't even know if you have them. I always wish good thoughts. I always send good thoughts to everybody.

So where does- I probably could be a better uncle or a better brother. Or better dad, husband, comedian, partner. We all could be better at everything we do you can't be perfect i used to go to san diego a lot for what for my mom when she was alive but when she was gone i didn't go back much when did she how was she when she passed 83 wow all right they got up there and And I was in Edinburgh. The festival?

At the festival doing comedy when she died. Was that unexpected? I kind of, I sensed something. Your dad passed from cancer, so you know that it's going to happen. Yeah, but I kind of, for some reason, I felt something was in the air. I just. What did she pass from? Well, this is what's interesting. They think a stroke,

but she was listening to a Padre game. She loved listening to Padre games. And this one went into extra innings. So she was up very late because Trevor Hoffman couldn't close. I remember Hoffman. And real late, she went out to turn off the radio, and she fell and hit her head.

Oh. But they can't be sure if she had died and then fell and hit the head. But I blame- Trevor Hoffman. I think if he had closed, she wouldn't have been up so late. I mean, the game went like 18 innings. So she wasn't in her right mind when she tripped. So that was in 80.

So that was 2007. Is that not a blow? That was 2007. You're in Scotland when you find this out? Yeah. And that's not, how do you receive that call? Do you cry? No. No.

Have you ever? Have you ever wept over the loss of your mother or father? No. Never. No, but sometimes. You're an emotional man. I do know that. I feel like you are. You're very inside. You sometimes you're an emotional man i do know that i feel like you are you're very inside you say you're a buddhist so but do buddhists need to cry or just feel no

i didn't say you needed to i asked if you had i'm not really a buddhist i just kindness is my lane so i just believe in love so is that a that a Buddhist or just someone who cares? There's never been a song or a moment with your child where you wished grandma or nothing that brought you to? No, there's tears of joy when I'm with Addison sometimes. For some reason, ice skating, I'll cry a little when someone falls. And I don't know what that is i think it's just that they've worked so hard and then to slip it so certain things like that or when there's a

stadium cheering and when everyone's together i i feel a tear okay so can feel. I know you can feel. I know you can feel. And if I have to on film, I think I can find tears. So I miss my mom and dad, but I feel they're always with me and they had a good run. What do you miss about them? I hear my dad's voice. Come out of you? Often I'll say things and I'll be like, oh, that's my dad.

He had a real dry sense of humor, but I think my dad and I are the same, cut from the same cloth. He was interesting. He was running the, he went to Okinawa. Did he? But he was running the crap games on the ship, throwing the dice. And they found out and they demoted him. They made him a potato peeler, but they let him keep doing the crap games for morale. Did they really? But most of the people on the ship died but he lived because he stayed on the ship peeling potatoes so that crap game saved his life saved his life and he made damn good

hash browns listen i used to go to my friends and sleep over and i would always ask is your dad in the military and they're like yeah i'm like is he making breakfast like yep and i'm like fuck yeah it's like military dads kill breakfast man they're so good at breakfast used to be my thing man like your dad wasn't my dad would buy my dad would buy things at garage sales and he had a a big a big machine that you could put a whole head of lettuce in there and it's kind of a greater a shredder whatever it is maybe it was a paper shredder but he was just he put the lettuce in there and he would just make big vats of shit like so he still had that army mentality so rice and beans he could live on there's no quick fix for anxiety and depression. It's not finding

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Right now, Mindbloom is offering my listeners $100 off your first six-session program when you sign up at mindbloom.com slash honeydew and use promo code honeydew. Take the first step and break free from your anxiety and depression with Mindbloom. mindbloom.com slash honeydew and use promo code honeydew. Now, let's get back to the do. And what about your mom? Was she artistic? What was she like?

What did she do? She raised five kids. She was an artist. She liked drawing. But once the kids start coming, she's raising five kids. Five is a lot. Never worked. Never worked. Never worked.

So what made you want to go the other way? You feel like you're just wired that way. So, all right, well, I have a child. I'm not married. Why did you go? If you really didn't want to be a husband, why did you get married? Part of me thinks I stayed in too long. In what?

In the relationship with her. I took her 20s from her. She wanted to get married. And you did not at the time? I still have trouble with it. How long were you together before you said yes to marriage? Well, I met her when she was 23. Okay.

And it wasn't supposed to go this long. That's for sure. That's for sure. I was an old man when I met her she looked great she's beautiful was a cpa had a job i like that she's quit the job which is tricky i liked it when she went to work i don't like the fact that i have to make money now. I don't want to have to work. I don't want to have to do anything, but I kind of have to now. But I started working more when I had the child.

I realized that I have to work now. So the minute I had a baby, my career is I've started working. They say with babies comes money. I don't know if you've ever heard that one. I haven't. Maybe I've heard it. I just can't hear because of my tinnitus. Yeah, you have tinnitus, which we're going to get to. I don't know if you'll have time.

I don't either, but I want to keep staying in this lane right now because this is really interesting to me. Okay, so you're saying that you felt obligated because you took her 20s and she wanted to get married. So you proposed? Did you propose? I kind of had to. Okay, but you didn't. I and she'd wanted to get married. So you proposed? Did you propose? I kind of had to. Okay, but you didn't.

I did. Okay, she didn't. You didn't. No. Okay. And Kevin Nealon was the officiant. Oh, yeah. He married us.

So I looked at it as a party. And why do you say, I kind of had to? Why? I kind of had to what? Was she already pregnant at the time? No. You said propose. No, it was just time.

You got married before you got pregnant. Yeah. Okay. Oh, there's no explaining it. No. You said propose. No, it was just time. Okay, so you got married before you got pregnant. Yeah. Okay. Oh, there's no explaining it. You're not getting it. I know. I'm understanding. So it's not like you got pregnant and said, hey.

But I still don't understand. What don't you understand? How it happened. What do you mean? You were there. Was I? Yeah. See, that's the question.

Yeah. See, that's the question. If I really was there, I don't think it would have happened. I don't want that. So clearly I was not in my right mind. So that may be true. But it did happen. I mean, she's a great mother and she's awesome.

No, I'm not trying to disrespect anyone here. And she does everything. I'm just trying to understand. I mean, if it wasn't for her, this kid would be eating out of a paper bag and living in a box. All right. So how long are you married before you guys decide to have a child? I know you're not good with years, but are we talking years, a couple years, pretty quickly you get pregnant? No, we got married in 2017, and Addison was born in 2018.

Oh, so pretty quickly you got pregnant. I think the first attempt. Wow. My sperm were angry, I guess. Yeah, and you were older too, you said, so that's well done. The window is closed. It could take a long time. So she wanted to be a wife and a mom, I guess. Yeah, and you were older too, you said, so that's well done. The window is closed. It could take a long time. So she wanted to be a wife and a mom.

I guess. It would appear so. And you wanted to be... Nothing. Right, you wanted to be nothing. But at the time now, you are a husband. Are you embracing it or are you just... I've embraced nothing.

Nothing. Okay, so when you get pregnant, are you now excited to be a dad? I'd like to be a father. Okay. So you're now- So I'm excited to be a dad. Right. And I realized I better be.

A good dad. Because I better be excited about this. Yeah. Yeah, you better be. Yeah. There's a woman pregnant and miserable. And there's a human in that belly that needs you to be excited i guess so yeah whether it's mine or not did you were you concerned about that well i think we're always hoping it's not yeah i listen to your honor

i mean i wait no i'm not saying we're but it's not. Wait, I misheard that. Did you? I thought you said we're all home. Did you mishear? I thought you said we're all home. I had a daytime talk show, and every guy that found out he wasn't a dad sure danced. Really? So let's talk about that for a second.

So you actually did an episode of The Crab Feast years ago with Jay and I. Yeah. And you might have been the first. There were only a handful of episodes that never aired for various reasons. You might have been the first, and you were in a dark place at the time. Well, my tinnitus, I had just gotten tinnitus. Oh, you just got it around that time. Yes.

So I couldn't hear. Right. So tinnitus, for people who don't know, it's a constant ringing, is high-pitched squealing in your ear all day. 24-7. And at what decibel level are you hearing that? Is it a small, quiet, but steady, or is it loud? It's loud. And there's a thing called habituation, where the brain realizes it's not a threat. You can survive with tinnitus. But about 95% of the soldiers that kill themselves have tinnitus.

It's a killer. I couldn't imagine. I've said I've had my ear ring for like a minute before, and I'm like, no, I couldn't So when I did yours, I was in the middle of that show, and tinnitus had just kicked in i think this was 2013 it was a while ago 2013 because that's when i got tinnitus so when i went to do that podcast i i felt i was a little testy and i said you know we'll do something a little later when maybe i also remember you telling me too you were watching a lot of people find out that this kid either is or isn't theirs. And there's a lot of that going on, too, a lot of darkness in that show.

I was in the middle of a lot of fighting. Yeah. So I think it was. You're seeing the worst of people on a daily basis. I just saw a lot of. Ugliness. Fighting. Yeah.

And I think it was washing over me daily. And I think when I came to you guys, it had been probably a lot of fighting. And then I rushed over there and I don't even remember why I wasn't, I don't know why I didn't, I don't know why I called Jay and said, you know, let's just shelve that one. But I think it was because I. You felt a certain way because to us. I know. To us, you were not. I know.

But I know you, hey, you know you better than anybody. Yeah. But it's always, even though I'm coming from my heart, it always comes off a little combative. Like a lot of people can't get a read on how to do a podcast with me. They think I'm not happy. But I'm happy. I'm happy to engage in honest conversation. And people can't really get a feel for, is he happy?

Is he unhappy? Is that bullshit? Are you happy? Yes. So you're able to find happiness even though you're, well, so then are you unhappy in your marriage? I'm fine with it. I'm always. Does your wife know you have these feelings that you're sharing with us about marriage?

Well, of course I think she knows that it's a tricky ride for me. But that doesn't mean that I'm not excited to have a great woman taking care of me and she feeds me and keeps me in clothing and picks out an outfit. I've just surrendered. I'm just a leaf. And wherever the current takes me, I mean, she's smarter than me. She does it all. She gets the kid in school.

The kid will start Brentwood. The kid's five. This kid wouldn't have made it to one if it was just me. So I know how lucky I am to have a woman that puts up with me I'm not a fun ride but she's okay with it well you gotta like something about being married so what is it I don't nothing I don't think there's much about it I would have been happier just being with her but not married I don't like the paperwork okay okay i mean look i do think the paperwork's bad for business yeah it is bad for business i mean marriage was created

thousands of years ago to unite families and so that so that the church can keep an eye on people and it's a party women like the party but then they don't think about it after i mean it was sure a big deal prepping i feel like if i feel like if there was an adult prom a lot of weddings wouldn't happen i could have figured out a better way to you know spend a hundred grand a hundred probably when you add it all up bel- Air Bay Club and cakes, it gets steep. Yeah, dude. A tux I've worn once since, why didn't I rent it? Yeah, why didn't you rent it?

Exactly. See, I don't make smart moves. She kind of nudged me to buy, and I surrendered. So then you like being- So maybe there's regret. Okay. Maybe I regret that I haven't been stronger and in my have better boundaries yeah for yourself yeah i'm bad at boundaries maybe i you seem like

you all almost don't have any i just yeah i'm i wish for death That's a terrible thing to say. Is it? Yeah. Who knows? I welcome it. It could be awesome on the other side. It could be. Maybe my dad was miserable.

Hold on. I'm writing that down. Well, wish for death. Yeah, write that down, dude. What do you think your best dad is a father? Because you like being a dad. So what are your strengths? Seeing danger before it arrives.

Seeing it before she bumps her head. She's a magic child. it's a she's a magic a magic child you know she had some suffering out of the gate some some stuff that she's probably not even really aware of but so i'm i'm extra protective of this of this child she was born with something called amniotic band syndrome and amniotic band amniotic band? Amniotic band. What is that? It's one in a million. Is that right? It's when there's a little tear in the womb, in the amniotic sac. And constriction bands swim around and they usually kill a baby. Every time you see a child without a limb, they've had constriction bands. But you can usually see it. It usually tangles around the child and they can see it and they

will terminate. But we didn't see it. It just looked like she was making a fist. So when she was born, we noticed that a constriction band had wrapped around those four fingers. So we had to have them opened up. Surgically cut open? She had a lot of surgeries. Wow. And also a toe. Sorry, is it almost like a web, so to speak,

and then they just have to go in and make them individual? Yeah, but it all forms together like that. A band had wrapped around there while she was forming. I didn't even know that could happen. One in a million. Very rare. So she's had a lot of surgeries. And you would do one side at a time.

And these four fingers are a little short. No nails on them. But she doesn't care. And then you went deep this way a time. And these four fingers are a little short, no nails on them, but she doesn't care. And then you went deep this way a little, but she's strong and fast. And then on her left foot, there was some damage to a toe. So we had to make a big toe. You had to cut there, but nothing slows her down. She's the fastest in the class, the strongest. Not even a concern about that. And that was because I wasn't concerned because I'm all love. Jaron, a little tough.

It was a little tough. As a woman, they might think she had something to do with it but it's just a fluke it's just a rare so with this child i'm always i'm always seeing i i never want her to have to suffer you know and she bumps her head i feel bad and but she's fast and strong and does it never even comes up in conversation. Is she going to be an athlete? I mean, this is something a lot of people don't know. You were great at tennis. I'm one of the greatest athletes in the world.

You and Costa are great at tennis. The thing is, my whole thing, when she was pregnant, I was like, hey, as long as she's got 10 fingers and 10 toes and healthy, I'll be fine. And she didn't. It was close. Missed it by, you know, a couple fingers. Missed it by a couple fingers. But they're all there. They're all there.

They're all there. But she's the best. And she's kind. talk to me about tennis um how well we don't play tennis yet i'd like her to play tennis your tennis career how do you get involved in tennis and how far did you go with it well i didn't go as far as i should have why uh because you didn't want to do the work and probably i a little lazy at heart didn't couldn't commit to a one or a two-handed backhand but i was a great tennis player we we paid for my tennis lessons with loaves of bread my mom cooked bread every sunday and then we took a loaf of bread down to

pacific beach recreation center there was a guy there named Dave Rath. Not the manager. I was going to say, is that? But we gave him a loaf of bread on Sundays. And if there was an opening during the week, he'd give me a tennis lesson. But I spent the rest of the time just hitting against a wall. I just like being alone. Is that where you would spend your time doing that?

Yeah, just hitting against a wall. How good did you get? Did you go to college for it? Yeah, I played at UCSD. You did? I played on the tour a little bit. Were you ever ranked? Oh, sure.

I was always ranked. What was your highest ranking ever? Not high enough to even. Top 100? No. No? I mean, you cracked the top 100. That's still pretty incredible, is it not?

It's amazing. Isn't it? Like those people are really good. They're good. So where were you? Oh, I could have been the top 100 if I could commit. Why do you say that? You knew you had the ability?

Of course. Was it life? A little lazy, chasing girls. Nothing that's a surprise to any athlete who has it all and doesn't capitalize. I'm better now than I was then, but I physically can't carry the frame. I now have the backhand that I wish I'd had at 10. Do you really? Of course.

I wish I'd known then what I know now. Got that nice, strong, one-handed backhand, but when I was growing up, it was kind of in between. But now it's heavy, but I just, I could probably take a few games off anyone in the world, but couldn't win a set. I'm an old man, tired. Fastest serve.

Well, 140 at some point i had a i had a big serve but then if it came back i was fucked i was fucked if it came back i just caught it and said all right i mean i was six five and i was a baseliner so So that's trauma. I know your show's trauma-based. Right? Is that... Yeah. So my trauma... Just lowlights.

My trauma comes from not committing to a one-handed backhand at 10 years old. Also, you don't seem like you want to commit to anything. I'm just... Except for being a father, which is great.

You got to find something that's i'm on the fence about that also if i'm able to walk away that that's not being too committed well you are able to walk away well i haven't right i don't that's where i've always told jaron i said you know when i'm out of money i'm leaving so i'm i'm close the strike might push me down the street but she's great you know jaron's great she's beautiful smart has the house i'm married for land oh yeah that's old school right there. I'm old fashioned. Are you close with any of your siblings? Not really.

No. I have a brother that I see. What's the closest age gap for you? You're the youngest. I think 10. Oh, wow. I think 10 years. They were all a year apart.

And then I slid into the picture. Yeah. But I think I get everything kind of from my dad. I mean, he, you'll like this. He had a Volkswagen, I think maybe a Jetta or something. Or maybe it was a Honda. Whatever it was, he took the passenger seat out and put a little table in there

so that he could cut up cheese and apples when he drove. And if someone was with him, we'd have to sit in the back. And he never wanted to go through a drive-thru. He felt he... He had it in the car. He felt he was a drive-thru. Yeah felt he had it in the car

he felt he was a drive-thru yeah he had it in the car but that's that's where I came from he painted you know garage floors

in La Jolla that was his gig for a while because he he spilled a can of paint once in a garage and instead of cleaning it up

he just painted the whole floor and they loved it. So he realized he was on to it. That's a big thing now too. It is now. Now it's like this poly shit they're putting down. Yeah, he probably started it. Yeah.

But I like the fact that he took the passenger seat out and so did Ted Bundy. For the same reason? Well, I don't know if it was to put a table. He's probably fucking meeting people in that car. It wasn't to put a table in there. Ted Bundy took out the passenger seat so no one could see the victim when he was driving. But he didn't have a passenger seat in his Volkswagen either.

So my dad and Ted Bundy. Your dad's a different dude. Yeah. Did you know his parents at all? No. You don't know where that comes from? Have you ever met anyone like your father? No. No. Me? I think I'm him. Yeah. I think I'm him. He's German. My whole life, I thought I was black Irish. I like Guinness. All my friends are Irish.

And I even, toward the end of my mom's life, I said, what part of Ireland are we from? And she says, we have no Irish. And I'm like, really? My whole life I've been rooting for... I'm like, where's dad from me? She's like, he's all German. He's all German and we're Scandinavian. Have you done the 23andMe or anything? No, but Jaron was 23 when I met her. So that was 23andMe. So I've done it once.

I miss her 20s. She's old now. 35, I think. Old. Get the fuck out of here. I liked her in the 20s she's old now 35 i think old get the fuck out of here i liked her in the 20s 23 was a good year 23 was a good year 23 and me um how are we doing on time great i don't just want a parking ticket if you get one i'll pay for it. Don't worry. Oh, okay. Don't cut that out. I'm not cutting anything out. Okay, good.

Why don't you have a close relationship with your siblings? What is that about? Well, I love them. I just don't want to drive. Are they all local? Are they in San Diego? They're all in San Diego. Is that local?

I mean, two hours is great. That's a long, almost two and a half yeah you're right on a weekend but still i love them i just they don't come up do they come to see you on shows never you do la jolla they don't come out uh they did a cut once or twice okay but i didn't i'd prefer they not you do why just don't want to have to get them seats make those phone calls make sure they're seated i'm a bad man i don't know if that's bad it's just i think it's i think it's bad if you like can't make the effort to make a phone call you know hey could you give two seats to my brother okay now i have to call are they here like hey why don't you come have lunch while i'm in la jolla then you don't have to go to a show or nothing like that it doesn't cross your mind oh it crosses it does and then i cross it right off

it doesn't it doesn't stay crossed long i mean i love them i i, I love them. I love them. I just don't seem to want to do much. This was effort to come here, but it's good for me. It is good for you. To practice and, you know. Practice, yeah. Explain what you said about practice. Well, I practice talking in case of an emergency. Like if there's an apocalypse, I want to be able to ask someone.

For help? Yeah, help. Where's food? Can I borrow a jacket? All right, so let's entertain this for real now. Your daughter's 18. Is she? I'm saying.

She wants to go to college, whatever. She's going to do her thing. Is this when you transition into full-time hermit, or do you think you'll stay married? Do you think you'll be married the rest of your life like your mom and dad? I'm sure I'll stay married forever. You're not going to just go on paper, but I'm saying, are you going to go live that hermit lifestyle you're talking about?

Well, maybe downstairs. Maybe I'll go spend more time down in my office. Do you crave alone time? Yes. You do? Yeah. Why? Hey, man.

I just love it. Yeah? I love bricks. I like being around bricks. What do you mean? I just love bricks. I collect rusty bolts from the 1940s. I pick up every nail I see.

You pick up nails? Yeah. And do what with them? Well, get rid of them so they don't cause flat tires. Okay. That's nice. But why are you collecting bolts? Just like the feel of rust.

For real? You like the feel of rust? Sure. Well, how do you know if a bolt is from the 40s? Well, yeah, you can tell. I'm pretty good at seeing if a bolt's been around for a long time. And where do you find most of your bolts? You look around, you see them on the ground.

Listen, I never see bolts on the ground. If all of a sudden I start looking now and see them, I'm going to fucking text you every time. You don't see them because I've already picked them up. But I just, you know, I think I'd be happier in the 1800s just on a horse and a couple gunfights and a saloon, steak and a hooker and a steak for a dollar. That's good business. That's your vibe?

Clearly. Yeah. I'll wear this jacket every day until it's gone. I'm a creature of habit. I mean, a lot of us are creatures of habit. Well, then a lot of these questions you ask me, you already know the answer. I know. You answer them differently, though.

Okay. But, you know, you ask me things, but you shouldn't be too shocked. I'm blown away that I got a, oh, you'll like this story about your dad pulling the seed out. I love that. I love that it took you there. Why? Does everybody? All right.

So let me pause for a second, gather myself. Your siblings, the four other ones, are they close to one another? Or are you guys all sort of your own? I think we're all kind of sort of. Made your own little tribes and you keep to yourselves, so to speak. Yeah, but we love each other. You're not going down for a birthday or anything like that? They don't come up for your daughter's birthday?

No. They're not uncles and aunts and present? I have a sister that has reached out more and would like to come visit, but I seem to not entertain that long. Why? Who knows? Why? I just. Don't you ever think that even though you're who you are and the way you are, that your daughter is who she is and the way she is, and that maybe.

We took Addison to see her two aunts. I'm saying, don't you. On this trip, that was good. She's got cousins and stuff. We took Addison to see her two aunts. I'm saying, she's got cousins and stuff. Don't you think she'd like to reach out to them? Yeah, I'm going to have to try. I'm going to have to be better. I'm aware that I need to be better. Why are you aware of that?

Because I have a child now that I would like to make her not be like dad. Why? Because this isn't the way to exist. Why, though? I thought you enjoyed the way you are. Well, it's good for me, but it's not going to cultivate humanity. A guy who just wants to play with bolts and bricks that's not i wouldn't recommend this it's a it's a tricky ride it's a tricky ride you're trying to figure out how to even talk to me well i'm not trying to figure out how to talk to him well you're trying to figure out a diamond in that brain a little more. Well, I have a 186 IQ, so it's pretty hard to get in here.

It's a pretty strong IQ. I have a good IQ, dude. So I'm a genius who's using it for all the wrong reasons. Yeah, yeah. I can make the world better, but clearly I'm not. Well, I don't know. Your daughter could end up being president and do good things. She can do anything she wants.

But then ultimately you have helped make the world better. Oh, I know. It's a long game, Kirk Fox. We're not going to be here to see the end of it. Oh, I know. I could be gone in four minutes. We're not going to be here to see the end of it. Take me in two.

Please do that. That's so good. Addison, well, she makes the world a better place. How has she made your world a better place? Well, I now love something besides chicken tacos. So it's fun to love. Has she changed? My daughter points out things.

I've never loved. Not like that. I don't think like anything. Yeah. So when I hold this kid, I feel something. So it's nice to love. Does she point things out where you're just like, yeah, wow. I haven't said it like that.

She's like me. She says hi to every tree. She says I love you to everyone she sees. I love you. She's just a bright light. She's kind and smart. She likes being alone too, though. Does she?

So she's picking up on me. Like when she took off running down the beach, if I didn't catch her, I think she would have been gone. Yeah, like I'm out of here. She would have kept going. think she would have been gone yeah like i'm out of here she would have kept going and it was funny because i was just having a a skewer of steak from someone's barbecue so the fact that i could have a free skewer on the beach there shit i forgot i was married i forgot i was a dad. I had an IPA and a stake and I was just in heaven. And then I looked around and the kid was gone.

I was like, oh, shit. So I just started running. And sure enough, I saw her little pink outfit. She had 50 yards on me. Eventually caught her. But it took a while. And then we just kept going and then i ran with her yeah and like i said that was that was the worst of times and then it became the best of times

it went from where's my kid is she gone did someone grab her to there she is. I'm going to catch her. And she's running right along the water. Yeah. That's awesome. And then it mirrored the circle of life. So bottom line, I'm better than I was. Good. I love my daughter. I'm married.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. I love my daughter. I'm married. I wish I'd found my backhand at 10. Yeah. Well, so then let's end it with this then, because first guest, I told you before, if you wanted to find your backhand at 10, advice you would give to your 16-year-old self. What are you saying to Kirk Fox if you can go back and give him some wisdom? Take more chances. My whole life I've avoided danger. And I would have told my 16-year-old self,

get more scars. Get more scars. I like that. So that's what I would have said to myself at 16. And if I had done that, it would have been a different road. I don't mind where I'm at now. It's fun to be a late bloomer. I'm a better actor because of it, because I've learned to listen and be open and better comedian.

I'm trying to be seamless in life. Maybe I would have told my 16-year-old to be seamless, to be the same way everywhere. I want to have this honest conversation with you and we laugh and I pour some truths out and I hear it and I realize that it's probably not the lane that I would recommend others live in, but I like that I'm better than I was. I like that I love better than I was. I like that I love my kid. Yeah. But being seamless means to be like this, right? Hey, one second.

I'm going to go on stage. I'll be right back. And then I go on stage and I'm the same guy. As opposed to for many years I'd go on stage and I'd be a character. What's up? Hey. And it never felt right. Authentic, yeah. And I maybe got more laughs, but I'm happier in between the jokes now.

I like that. And the audience can tell when you're in between jokes. That's why they laugh harder at a moment in between a joke, because they feel it's just for them. Humanity in general is selfish. They're ego-based. So if they're getting something before anybody else, or they know if they're hearing a joke, everyone's heard it.

But if there's a moment on the fly in between a joke, that's when they laugh the hardest. And it's also when i'm the the happiest because that's a truthful moment a lot of jokes are seeds of truth that we water with our imagination to make it work but those moments in between there's nothing calculated about it so that's what i would tell 16-year-old Kirk. Just always be kind. Always be seamless.

It's great. And get more scars, man. Thank you for doing this. Hey, man, I think I did well. You did great. I'm proud of you for getting out and doing it. See, I'm not so bad. Tell them where they can find you again, watch you, all that stuff, social media, whatever you want. Dates?

Reservation Dogs, great show. FX on Hulu. It's now on FX. And I'm on a show called Jury Duty right now. I got to watch that. I didn't know that. You can find that. It's on Freebie, Amazon.

It's the biggest show in the world. And that's a fun ride. That's a fun ride. There was a real sweet guy that made all the right decisions. And I played a grumpy old man. So I played myself. You just showed up. I just said I was one of the jurors, and I just sat in the corner and didn't say too much.

Well, dude, thank you for coming on. I really appreciate it. As always, RyanSickler.com, dude, thank you for coming on. I really appreciate it. As always, RyanSickler.com, Ryan Sickler on all social media. We'll talk to you all next week. I'm out.