The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Kyle Kinane - Bad Boy

Episode Date: July 26, 2021

My HoneyDew this week is Kyle Kinane! Kyle originally sent a list of his Lowlights and then checked out a coupla episodes. Kyle decided his lowlights weren't good enough, so he dug deeper and updated his list. This is a fun one! SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew SPONSORS: STAMPS.COM Stop wasting time going to the Post office and go to Stamps.com instead. There’s NO risk. And with my promo code, HONEYDEW, you get a special offer that includes a 4-week trial PLUS free postage and a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com, click on the Microphone at the TOP of the homepage and type in HONEYDEW. FRESHLY Right now, Freshly is offering my listeners $40 off your first two orders when you go to FRESHLY.COM/HONEYDEW. Stop stressing about dinner. Go to FRESHLY.COM//HONEYDEW for $40 off your first two orders. MANSCAPED Get 20% Off and Free Shipping with the code HONEYDEW at Manscaped.com. That’s 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use code HONEYDEW. Unlock your confidence and always use the right tools for the job with MANSCAPED™. PURPLE Purple is comfort reinvented. Right now, you’ll get 10% off any order of $200 or more! Go to Purple.com/honeydew and use promocode HONEYDEW. That’s Purple.com/honeydew promo code HONEYDEW, for 10% off any order of $200 or more. Terms apply.

Two freshly cracked eggs any way you like them. Three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast. Only $6 at A&W's in Ontario. Experience A&W's classic breakfast on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. Hey guys, before we get started, I just want to let you know about my tour date. September 16th through the 18th, I'll be in Phoenix. September 30th through October 2nd, I'm in Indy at Helium.

I'll be out on the road doing some dates with Tom Segura right now, October 8th and 9th in Vegas. I am headlining the Brea Improv on October 28th. All right, we are adding more dates. Also want to let you know ringtones of my laugh are now available. You can go to iTunes, search my name, scroll down to ringtones and get them there or you can go to itunes search my name scroll down to ringtones and get them there or you can go to my website all right tickets for all my shows and information for the ringtones can be found on ryan sickler.com this episode of the honeydew is brought to you by stamps.com freshly manscaped and purple more on that later let's get into the do the honeydew with ryan sickler

welcome back to the honeydew y'all we're over here doing it in the night pan studios i am ryan sickler ryan sickler on all social media ryan sickler.com please subscribe to the youtube channel and if you gotta have more do subscribe to the patreon community it's five bucks a month there's no tears no nothing you get the full show an hour long usually i do with uh with y'all um and we're hearing some wild shit out there all right so if you or anyone you know has that story it's got be heard. Please submit it to honeydewpodcast at gmail.com. And hopefully we'll get to do a story for you. Hit up that merch store.

Keep supporting those night pants nation. We're going to get some live shows going when this shit gets back to normal. Do a night pants nation tour. I'll wear night pants. You wear night pants. You don't have them come out. We'll buy some fucking night pants. Sell the shit out of some night pants with you guys.

Build up the nation. All right. You know, we record here at Santa Monica Music Center. So we're working on a podcast right now with ATA Outreach for the Arts, the at-risk youth kids I've been telling you about with the Santa Monica Police Department. They got a badass little podcast we're building here. Can't wait to get that out there for them. And I just love promoting it every week. So that's what I'm doing.

I'm teaching these kids how to do a podcast, and they are crushing it right now. All right. If you're new to the show here, welcome. What we do over here is we highlight the lowlights. It's a beautiful shit show. We are shining light on that darkness. And these are the stories behind the storytellers. And today's storyteller, I'm very excited to finally get on this show.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kyleyle canane y'all welcome to the honeydew brother man we already were starting i'm like just roll just roll man i'm pent up i got a year so excited to have a year a year of dumb shit going on before we get into a plug everything please social media podcasts books albums whatever show canane Plug everything, please. Social media, podcasts, books, albums, whatever. Kyle Kinane on the internet. I got a podcast called The Boogie Monster. It was supposed to be about ghosts, but it's not anymore. Me and my buddy Dave. I don't know.

People are like, you don't talk about Bigfoot anymore. How many episodes do you need about Bigfoot? He's fucking maybe he's real, and then that's it, and then we just talk about food. But, you know, Kyle Kinane, and then you you find me and I'll tell you about the stuff. All right. I don't feel good. Shame. We're talking about shame.

I feel shameful plugging stuff. Dude, I hear you on that. You said earlier you have a buffet of shame you could go to. Yeah, I don't have any deep dives. I was watching the clips of the show to get ready. I'm like – There's no getting ready for that. Dude, you don't need me on this show, man.

I don't even know some of the people, but I'm like, I don't know if that's a comedian, but it's not like I know every comedian. Let's click on whoever this is like. And then when I was eight years old, my veins collapsed from heroin use. Like, what the fuck, dude? What? When I was eight, I was heartbroken because my friend didn't want to play pretend spaceship in the yard anymore. People out here are like sucking dick to pay for food for their younger siblings.

I'm like, why am I on this show? I don't deserve to be on this show. This is for much more outlandish stories than mine. Listen, thank you for the greatest fucking promo of the show we've had right there, because we're cutting that. I got nothing on these sons of bitches. I got nothing on them. Then I thought I did. I look at my stand-up, I'm like, ooh, man, Kanane really puts it out there.

Oh, we really appreciate his honesty. When I read your list, I was like, I'll talk to him. I'll talk to him when he gets there. One time a girl made me sad, I almost didn't do stand-up no more. Well, thank you for being here. You make me feel good, dude. So let's talk about it. I knew one guy who died, but he was like a friend but not a close friend.

I'm like, I don't want to exploit that. It was sad but not like the worst thing. Well, I'll let you talk about whatever you want to talk about. Or I can ask you questions or we can do both. Start with where you're from and what just growing up was like for you. Let's just start there because I don't know. Where are you originally from? I'm from a town called Addison, Illinois,

which is like 20 miles west of Chicago. I grew up and, yeah, not honeydew material, just two parents who were loving. And they were together the whole time. Yeah, they were together the whole time. Yeah. You know, as a comedian, you can tell people try and drum, but my dad was laid off. Laid off.

Yeah. That's the worst thing that ever happened. But then he got another job, and so it actually kind of worked out. You could do an hour about your dad's layoff. Transition. I didn't even notice. My parents didn't raise me materialistic, so I didn't really notice. I was up playing with dirt.

I didn't care about toys. But yeah, I grew up there and probably for too long. Stayed there until I was 20. Lived at home until I was 26. Why? Because probably my mom is overbearing. And this is the thing too. They're both still alive and watch all this shit.

So I still am like... Yeah, you gotta be careful. I still love them. They're great. But every time I was like... Were you in college? Community college? I was in three colleges. Went to college for seven and a half years because I never had any opposing force.

I never had a reason to become an adult. I see. I went to a community college and I was a good student. I was like honor student, smart, not quite the very top of the class. That's me, 3.0, B, straight Bs. Oh, no, I was like way up there. Oh, sorry, you're better. I was way up there.

I didn't mean to compare myself. Intellectually, let's say yeah. See, you're honeydewing me, bro. Intellectually, we'll say yeah 28 on the act's that should be that should have been at least a partial did you ever take the sat's i never did sat man i i'm telling you i scored horribly on the i did it twice too i i think i got i'm trying to find if anyone out there does know i would love a link to dig up my old SAT scores. I've been looking. I really think I got an 870 the first time or an 880, and then the next time I got an 890.

It was 10 more points, and I was like, fuck this shit. What do they go to? I don't even know what they go to. I mean, 1,000. I feel like you get 800 for signing your fucking name on the thing. You know what I mean? Yeah, I was not stellar at a test taker at all. Because we had we had like

yeah ours were like the iowa standard testing it was a joke like iowa standard testing then you go to iowa and you're like this shouldn't be where we based standardized tests off of and then we had act's which apparently nobody else knows what those are no we had though you could take one or the other oh yeah you could take sats or a and they were scored differently yeah yeah and it was like 31 i think was the highest i got a 28 damn and again like i feel now that we're talking i do feel bad i think my mom really tried her best to line me up for success somehow but why are you not leaving why are you not leaving because you're comfortable at home are you paying rent no i was gonna not leaving? Because you're comfortable at home? Are you paying rent? Are you kicking in? I was going to say, first off, the ACT, she made me take a prep course for it.

So that's probably why I got as high a score as I did. But then I stayed there and I was like, I was having fun, man. Like I was one of those people that was raised that you're like, it's like a very 40-year-old virgin type thing where you're so respectful of women, you're scared of them. So unless a woman more or less is like, if a woman was like, I'm gonna fuck you, you're never gonna have sex.

Which is what happened when I was 21 years old and I lost my virginity to a stripper. Did you? Yeah, and she put her finger, the longest one, up my ass. And so there's a story. That's a thing a story that's a thing but that's nothing compared to what else has been on the show you don't even know that because we this this finger up the ass might be the literal she was tall for some shit we dig

into later she was tall all right hold on let's go back let's go back because creature hands um are you at a strip club in town like a low a local strip club you're frequent? Let's lead up to it. I love foreplay. So I want to answer your other question. So I think my mom had gotten me like – I just never dated. Like nobody ever dated. Everybody was like friends.

And my sister is two years younger than me. And like her group of friends and our group of friends, everybody was pals. And then everybody didn't want to fuck it up with trying to hook up. Maybe there was something in the water in Addison that made kids less horny. I don't know. But there was no – really no teen pregnancy. Nobody was trying to hump. And I don't know if it was like Catholic guilt.

But usually Catholicism would like pressurize kids to go the other way. But we all kind of like – we're pretty respectful of each other. At least that was my impression of it. If somebody else has a different story, I didn't hear it. And then, yeah, we're just like – I had a band. I was playing punk bands and my mom would let us – What did you play? I played guitar.

OK. I played drums too. I attempted these things. But again, it's punk rock. It's not like skill. But then we practiced at at my folks basement and that's i i mean i feel bad because i know i've done jokes about these things in the past so i don't want to just like throw punch lines at you but like but it really was like i'm trying to be punk rock like fucking yeah i gotta get tattoo i got a tattoo at 18 i lost my

virginity at 21 i I had tattoos by then. I'm like, I'm a rebel. And then my mom's like, I'm making chili dip for everybody. It's like, fuck, no. Don't stop making chili dip. It's not punk rock. But also we need the basement on Tuesdays and Thursdays because we got a show coming up. I'll move bridge to Wednesdays.

Yeah, yeah. Bingo nights were Thursdays. It was good. My dad worked midnights. And so he was out of the house by 7 p.m. And so it was fine. And then she'd get mad. Like, they drank all the Pepsi.

I'm like, stop letting them have the Pepsi. Don't put Pepsi in the house. Let them have all the Pepsi. Then yell at me. Yell at them. They're the one drinking it. Because the whole party, like, everybody would hang out at the house. And she loved it.

You were that house? Yeah, it was that house. But it was like, it was still pretty responsible. It wasn't like some sort of derelict house. It was like my mom hung out. My mom loved company and loved – Yeah, it was a kid-friendly house. Yeah, but this was kids and then until early 20s and it was –

people drank inside. My mom smokes, so people could smoke cigarettes inside. Weed was outside. She knew what was going on, but just not in front of her kind of thing. It never got really harder than that. There was, like, we did have a big ecstasy phase, and that was weird. Because, like, to do ecstasy and try and be punk rock. In the house.

No, no, no. Oh, okay. This is, I remember, no, because, like, punk rock is like, oh, you drink and fucking even weed. You're like, that's the hippie shit, man. You drink and fucking punk rock stuff. Then we all did Ecstasy at a friend's house. At first I remember my buddy walking in and we were like – had like a human centipede of back rubs going on. What was the punk rock band?

Wait, what was your name, your band name? We were the Grand Marquise. Wait, what was your name? Your band name? We were the Grand Marquise. And we tried to pluralize it, the Grand Marquise, because two of us drove Grand Marquise, the car. But we didn't know how to pluralize it because it was a French word that ended in S. The Grand Marquise.

Yeah, we just spelled it the Grand Marquise. And then people are like, you're the Grand Marquise. It's like, it's the Grand Marquise, but we don't. We pronounce it as a plural, and we just couldn't figure out how we wanted to spell it, so we never made merch. But yeah, my buddy walked in. We were just all neck rubbing and he just went, what the fuck? We're like, I guess this looks kind of weird. We were just having this emotional bonding experience on Ecstasy, and we were all laying on somebody's parents' deck, and all our chain wallets got stuck in the slats. We all tried to get up, but we were all stuck.

We all had to undo our chain wallets to get off the deck. It's so stupid, man. Yeah, it's so dumb. All of you. And the next day, you're like, really? The band's chained to the deck right now, man. Yeah, it's so dumb. All of you. And it's like, and like the next day, you're like really ashamed. The band's chained to the deck right now, guys. We'll be on,

back on stage in five. Like, man, don't tell anybody we're getting into ecstasy. Because even though it's the most loving drug, like it makes you so appreciative.

We're just so ashamed and we felt like we betrayed our punk rock roots by doing it. Oh, that's great. But so, so yeah i was doing that i was playing music and i i was now are the other guys in the band dating or are these all guys in your circle too or they are is anyone coming in everybody was all in the same group and that's why it was fun because we were like we were friends we i think we had more fun at practice than we did booking

shows yeah because i was like oh we're gonna stuff? Are we going to drag drums upstairs? It sucks. So we did that. I went to college for a year. I went to community college for a year because I'm like, I don't want to leave. And early on, I think early on, I got set on this question. Maybe it was punk rock. I mean, the question how things are supposed to be just with life in general, just seeing either.

Well, go to college. You go to college. You go to college. Yeah. Like community college. I still haven't got my degree. And to this day, the only reason I got it is because that's what I thought we were supposed to do. Like I'm right at this point, the way college is.

I don't know how things are going to change. My daughter's six. I don't think I would push her or push her into college if she doesn't want to go. I don't know that it's the best choice these days. Hopefully there's some sort of reform. Unless they change what they fucking teach you. Yeah. They're not getting real life in there. That too.

Yeah. Right away, I was like, I don't know what I want to do. I'm 18 and you want me to pay how much to sort it out? Right. For a piece of paper? No, man. I'm going to go to this community college and everybody was having fun there. And it was the best time.

And you did think you were still inching towards the goal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. College of DuPage. That was like – everybody had that rumor like they're going to make it four-year schools. They say about every year. Yeah, stick around. But this was like a big, like, people traveled from out of the area to, like, be on the sports teams for the community college.

It was like a reputable school. But I did that for a year. I'm like, well, if this is how much fun community college is, I'm going to go to University of Illinois at Chicago. It's the only time I left home, and I didn't even make for a year. I'm like, well, if this is how much fun community college is, I'm going to go to University of Illinois at Chicago. I left home, and I didn't even make it a semester. You went to the big university? It was like a college, University of Illinois. Not the big one, not the sports one, the one in Chicago.

And I was there for two months, fucking got arrested. Arrested? Yeah, yeah. For what? Here we go, huh? Wow. For what? How does go, huh? For what? How does anyone just glance through?

Believe me, if I was sat here and taught that, but you ever been arrested, that would have been a question. Because it was. Don't watch Jason Ellis' interview and then think this is going to blow your mind. Listen, there's only one Jason Ellis, dude. I made a buttercup out of my ball sack and girls drank piss out of it. I'm like, I wouldn't tell that story. That's a story I wouldn't tell. I would be like, nah,

that one's... Put the fucking nails in the pine and that's where that story is coming with me. Tuck that one in my fucking soup pocket at my funeral. So, no, me and my buddy Greg, the dude who's in my band, that's who I was roommates with.

And we just – it's so dumb. We just went – it was Halloween. And so all along the – like where people lived off campus still wasn't a great area. But like there's Halloween parties. So it wasn't like college town type stuff. But it was still packed in apartments and brownstones and stuff. And so we were just bouncing around from Halloween to party to Halloween party. And I don't think we had costumes on.

And we just – we were bored and we were just kind of following groups of people at parties. And eventually he's like, hey, man, are we out of paper towels? I'm like, yeah. He's like – he just starts taking shit that we needed for the dorm room from these parties. Like no high money items. Like utensils and shit. Some necessities. Yeah, mustard.

Mustard. You steal them. Yeah, yeah. Just stuff like – oh, we don't have relish. Let's take relish. We're going to have a hot dog night. Take some relish. Look at this apartment. They can get new relish. They got mommy-'t have relish. Take relish. We're going to have a hot dog night. Take some relish. Look at this apartment.

They can get new relish. They got mommy-daddy relish. We don't have mommy-daddy relish. You take that relish. So he's packing all this in and all of a sudden like – and I'm just egging him on. I'm like, who bought some of this? And eventually he sees like a sombrero. So now he's got a sombrero on, coat filled with stuff,

and we go to leave the party, and this girl goes, hey, that's my sombrero. A white girl claiming the sombrero. And that's my sombrero. You can't take that. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. Puts it down, and I just go,

take something else. And there was like, you know, how college apartments are decorated, some thrift store mirror with like a sailboat print on it, but big, but like big. And he just looks at it and he goes, click and takes it off the wall. I'm like, well, that's ridiculous.

If the sombrero got you busted, there's no way we'll get out with this thing. And he's got it under his arm and we get to the door. You walk him through the party with this thing. Yeah, and then the same, he's got it under his arm and we get to the door. You're walking through the party with this thing. He's struggling with the door and the same girl comes up

and I'm like, here we go. She's like, sometimes it sticks and she just opens the door for us and lets us out with her sombrero. You didn't even roll one of your R's, bitch. That's not your sombrero. No, that's my sombrero. I don't think you can claim ownership

but I'm guessing you didn't buy this. Sometimes it sticks. It lets you right out. We ran down the stairs. I think it was off Loomis. I think it was off Loomis Street, like west of the college, and ran down off Loomis Street. We're also, to this day, a plaster sculpture of my penis. It's still somewhere in the dirt.

It also has a little Superman cape on it. Is that right? I'll tell that story next. I haven't talked to anybody in a year, but it's fun to do. Thank you. So we run out and we're just like – I'm like running. I'm like, man, I can't believe you stole that mirror. And right there, cops were there to bust up the party.

So their lights go on because I see people running. It's blue and red. So my buddy tosses the mirror and it breaks. I'm like, well, that's symbolic. And I'm like, man, I can't believe we're getting busted for stealing that mirror because we just did a freeze. And they were there to just break up parties. Neighbors called complaints on them and stuff. But we got busted and the party got busted. So the whole party was getting you know let out of that building well we're getting frisked on the cop car and he's just got like napkins

and plastic forks and shit just falling out of his coat and blowing down the street and the cop's like what the fuck is this and so we went to jail we went to the drunk tank for the night cause the girls were like, yeah, had us arrested. And we thought it was cool because we're punk rock. And, you know, you go to, like, jail and they take your shoelaces and your belt and everything.

And we're, like, scratching our names in the bench. You want to do a massage? You want to do a massage? I mean, I'm not on the pills for it, but I got to make friends in here. And we were lucky. We got our own cell. So we had like, and again, shit happened. But in the best scenario, and we're still drunk.

So we're like, man, this is the street cred we need. Fuck that chili dip, mom. And now I'm in jail. Now this is going to make liner notes for the album if we ever get it out. And they let us out. So we kind of slept there so we didn't get in the big drunk tank um and i'm sure at that like chicago cops and two idiot college kids are just like fucking fine like we're not gonna give you the worst we can give you

and um so we wake up they give us like the bologna sandwich, which is just horrible. And like now we're hungover waking up. Jay, like what is this? Like now the shame sets in of like, oh, we just have parents that we love and they're going to be sad when they find out about this. And they'll find out because we're guilty and we'll tell them. So they let me out first. I can't finish. How old are you at this point? 21?

19. Yeah. I was't finish. How old are you at this point? 21. 19. Yeah. It was 19. Yeah. I like, I did the sandwich was so bad and I was so hung over, but I didn't want to like throw it on the ground. Cause I'm like,

I'm not getting, I don't want to get busted for littering. I like tucked it in a bush. I had my bag with all my stuff in it with my shoelaces and my belt. I get back to campus and then I'm in line in the cafeteria, and they've got like the Taco Bell and stuff in the cafeteria line in the campus. And so I'm starting to kind of feel cool. I've got my Chicago Police Department bag.

I'm like, ask me what happened, bibs. Huh? Bad boy's back. Bad boy's back from a wild night. Wild night. Ask him about it. And so I'm in line at Taco Bell, and the dude working at the Taco Bell sees my bag, and I didn't know that there was a sexual assault on the campus the night before.

So I'm walking around with a Chicago Police Department bag, like, and so I'm just trying to get my chalupas or whatever all hung over, and this dude making them just goes, oh, you're the dude that raped that chick. And I was like, what? Oh, my. No. And then everybody looks at me like, no. And I just run.

Now I got a bag of Taco Bell, bag of shoelaces. And I just lock myself in my dorm room. That's terrible. Like every effort towards being cool just backfired so bad. Which just backfired so much in my life. I felt horrible. We went over to the girl's house. I think we brought them flowers. I think we're like, please don't press charges.

We went to court. They never showed up. So the charges got dropped. Oh, my God. That is awful. Yeah. And then I was up. So the charges got dropped. Oh, my God. That is awful. Yeah. And then I was up. And then, so I dropped out of that.

Not long after that, I dropped out of college. Dude, I'll be out of there. I forgot there was homework to do. We're good. My buddy was going to Columbia College in Chicago, which would eventually be my third and final college that I went to. But he was taking an art class. And he's like, we got to do sculpture.

He's like, hey got to do sculpture. He's like, hey man, what if I made a sculpture of your dick? I got nothing to brag about and cold plaster isn't going to make it prettier. But I was like, yeah, it'd be kind of hilarious. But didn't realize I just had to go to the school to do it. And I'm just like in a studio. Wait, it's not just you and your buddy? No, I'm just like at his class.

Yeah, we'll just go. I thought you guys were doing this in his apartment. No, he's like, we'll just go to the supply closet. He's got like a little box made with plaster in it. And it was so cold. Are you trying to get hard? Or are you just putting it in? No, there's no.

You weren't trying to go for it? No. I think I want to be remembered happy. You know what I mean? No, because what if had your your best effort and people made fun of it they're going no matter what your best effort is someone is going you don't think someone's gonna shit on this show listen i will lean i will lean towards like given how these things have worked out when i've tried to be cool or look good or macho. Fair enough. I've learned my lesson. Just lean into ridiculous. Good point.

Like this should happen to me. Yesterday I, you know, last night, just personal maintenance. Beat off and then got the email. It says, oh, we have access to your webcam. Give us Bitcoin, which is a spam. But I got it it right after. The timing was impeccable. And after the, I just had a week, I already had cops pull me out of my sister's house

with their guns out last Sunday. I had to dig my van out of the desert. I told you, I'll just talk about this week. I don't have to, we don't have to talk about my childhood. I'll tell you about what happened in the last seven days. Let's take a quick break and tell you about our first sponsor, Stamps.com. The summer is showing welcoming signs of a more normal life ahead, and finally you can get back to enjoying life's little pleasures,

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Okay, so it's in there. I'm like, this is going to be silly. And my buddy's real funny, too, because, I mean, what's your plan? Because he's taking these art classes. But, again, we're all in college because we think we have to be, but nobody's taking it seriously. So he's like, oh, I'm going to draw a face on the head and put a little Superman cape on it.

And I'm like, all right, that's hilarious. So he gets it and they're trying to break the plaster off from around like where the mold is poured in. Even the teacher is like, where is it? I'm like, all right, I don't need that. I'm giving myself to art. I'm being brave. The teacher was fine with this. It wasn't like a surprise.

It's an art school that you did not need a high school diploma to get into. So their bar was real low. And so he did it. And it was like in a little cabinet there. Just like little sad balls and a little tiny peen. But the cape, the Superman cape that he put on, it was funny. But then we were at some other party by UIC

one night. He's like, I brought this back. I was like, I don't want it. And I threw it through a window. So that's in an empty lot. Yeah, that's's an empty lot. That's an empty lot off Loomis somewhere if they haven't put condos over it. Some archaeologist in 500 years

analyzing the roots of gentrification is going to find that in the West Loop. All right. You said quite a few things. We got to be pulled out of your sister's house. We have. Let's go back.

All right. We're going chronologically here. Your dick's literally in the dirt now. Yeah. Let's talk about. Let's talk about this virginity story. How do you not date at all? Yeah, like I want to give you fresh stories.

Yeah, please. I've told you. No, I never had girlfriends. I never. So you didn't even have a girlfriend before you lost your virginity? No. Really, no. Okay.

I think I had. No. Really, no. I think I had – the idea of like trying to meet a girl stressed me out so much. It would have had to have been outside your circle too. It had to have been outside the circle because nobody wanted to jeopardize friendships or make things – or at least I did not. And anytime I went out, I had more fun. I didn't have the kind of group of friends that was like, yeah, we're going to go out and meet chicks.

Like, no, we're going to go out to have the best time. Like I had so much fun. And also I thought I was preserving that fun by not trying to date it. I looked at it like a career or something. Like you do this later. Like I wasn't – and part of me, I just felt like a loser too because I'm like, I live at home. Like, I don't have much to offer, you know.

I remember like, you know, you meet girls out. Like, let's go back to your place. We can't really do that because it's 25 miles away and my mom's still up. She gets home from bingo and hangs out for a while. The basement's hers tonight. Yeah, hangs out watching HGTV for a while. That shit's on right now on three different TVs on the same channel in my house.

I go back home and it's like being in a stadium when they make an announcement because everything's on like a half second delay but it's the same thing on every TV. It's is like why can't you appreciate silence it's wrong with you people just sit and enjoy you live in the suburbs there's birds and shit enjoy that anyway so at this point in my super cool what at the time i thought was cool jobs in a like a working class i really thought I was like this Mike Ness, Bruce

Springsteen hybrid blue collar punk rock. I was just a fucking loser. I delivered pizzas and worked at a gas station but because I rolled the sleeves up on my gas station uniform, I was like, I'm a bad boy. I didn't

even work. I didn't even fix the cars. I was a cashier. Not even doing the cars. I was a cashier. Not even doing the maintenance. No, I was a fucking cashier. My hands were clean. I cleaned. I didn't have to wash. Oh, my God.

The gas station was clean. Yeah, I had to clean the toilets. I didn't have to clean the toilets. That was my job, was cleaning gas station bathrooms. And so I was in there, and gal came in and just real tall. Like I'm 5'8". I'm not big. But she – probably six feet plus.

And like a lanky gal. And it was night shift. She's like, you know any shoe stores open? It was like 9.30 at night. I'm like, the know any shoe stores open it was like 9 30 at night i'm like the fuck was shoes at 9 30 at night and i let her use the i'm like looking through the phone book for her she didn't tell me why she needed shoes and i let her use the phone because it's like uh pre or just right around where not everybody had a cell phone kind of days. Yeah, this had to be like 97 or so. Late 90s. And

I'm like, yeah, I don't know. I don't need shoes. I don't need a shoe store or something. She's like, alright, well, thanks for your help. She said, I work down at All Stars strip club down the street. She's like, come in. I'll give you a free dance. I'm like, oh, well.

Sleeves are working, bro. Yeah, I'm like, of in. I'll give you a free dance. I'm like, oh, well. All right. Sleeves are working, bro. Yeah, I'm like, of course. Of course. Naturally. Of course. Naturally. Oh, bad boy rides again. Yes, they should be.

Once again. Once again. I still had not learned a lesson about leaning into this shit. And also being horny virgins. Horny old virgins. I would say that's an old virgin. 22, 21. 21 I was.

Yeah, it's up there. Yeah, that's an old virgin. I called my other buddy who's an old virgin. I'm like, man, you're not going to believe what happened. We go to the strip club, I can get a free dance. Like that's the limit I thought this night was going to go. And had you ever at that time been to a strip club? Oh, yeah.

We were going to strip clubs. The one we were going to, we had already been to and they were fun because we used to play joke songs and they would dance to them for us. Because we'd go on a Tuesday and they're bored and we'd spend what little money we had. We were fun too. That's the thing. We weren't creeps. As much as we wanted to see naked ladies, we also wanted – like fun was the priority. Yeah.

Sort of like, well, will you dance to Pac-Man Fever? And I'm like, yeah, we'll dance to Pac-Man Fever. We'll make your shit. And we're like, we're going to have fun. We're going to have fun. We are fun people. So my buddy and I went and I remember, god damn, the efforts to be cool. First off –

Let me ask you this real quick. How long between the offer and you guys going? Like that night? I think I was off of work at 10. And you went that night? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm like I'm not letting this thing dry up. I'm not letting this offer dry up.

This coupon shall not expire. So we go and our routine is like, all right, beers are already going to be expensive, so we're going to drink in the car. And you know how real rock and rollers, real hardcore rock and rollers always like to split a half pint of Captain Morgan spiced rum because that's the most rock and roll drink we could stomach at the time. It's like, oh, man, you think like whiskey or something. No, spiced rum.

Spiced. Spiced rum in somebody's mom's Jetta. So we're sitting out there doing that. And I remember distinctly my buddy laughing at me because we were listening to the Misfits and I didn't know. I was singing along to the song Skulls, but I didn't know the lyric was skulls. And I thought he was singing, I want your touch. So I was singing, I want

your touch. I need your touch. I think Bronger did that song at the goddamn Comedy Jam. It was Bronger, me, Larson, and Bill Burris, the first live one of that version. I think he did that song. He did Skulls?

He's got a good voice. Yeah. He's deceptively a good singer. Yeah, he was good. And he shimmies, too. And he shakes. He was up there fucking giving it. Well, I'm singing.

This is the same dude who made the Dick Superman that I went with. Got it. Got it. We're kind of brothers in arms at this point. Yeah, you are. And he's like, what are you singing? I'm like, I want your touch. He's like, it's Skull.

It's the Misfits. The fuck does he want to touch? And I'm like, I thought it was like a devil touch. It'd be like a – Devil touch. Yeah, it'd be like a demonic touch. He'd touch somebody and turn into a zombie or something. But I remember that moment.

I remember going inside and then the gal being like, oh, you're here. And this – these details. I have told this – I wrote this story when I did get to my third college and was taking creative writing. And I was like, well, let's put this story out there. And I'm like, this is a good story. I'm like, I wish it wasn't. She – her stage name was Crystal, which was ironic because she was not fragile in the least. She danced to this song.

Do you know the band Jackal? I do remember Jackal. They didn't have like a chainsaw in one of their songs? The Lumberjack. There's a song called The Lumberjack. I'm right here with you, Kanaan. Where instead of a guitar a song called The Lumberjack. I'm right here with you, where instead of a guitar solo, it's a chainsaw. I'm right here with you, bro.

I'm a lumberjack now, baby! That's what she danced to. So this is definitely a white girl. White girl, but with lip liner. Remember the lip liner? Remember the Puerto Rican trend that everybody did for a while? That didn't look good. And she did that.

She had a lot of dragon tattoos. Just randomly, like she kept going back trying to get a better one or something. How old would you say she was? I didn't have a good gauge. I bet she was mid didn't have a good gauge i bet she was late 20s mid mid late 20s but she's like oh you showed up i'm like yeah yeah hey and did like okay took me in the back room with a private dance and like i know the rules i know no no touching sit on them no touching i'm not touching nothing and she's making she's grabbing

my hands i'm like but there's no. I'm like moving them. I'm like, these guys will beat me up. Yeah. I've been in that situation where a girl put my hands on her and they came back. And I was like, bro. And she had to say, no, I did this. And I was like, mm-mm.

And their necks are like this. I'm like, I'm not. And your titties are not worth my ass getting beat. And it's not like it's an above board business where it's like, yeah, but we want to beat them up anyway. Yeah, right. But weird enough, the one security guard at this place we would go to would come by like because, again, we were fun. And the bass player who I got arrested with before, we were all there one time, and the

security guard would just come up behind us and go kids kids gonorrhea kids and just point to all this chipper like come on man what are you doing he was being silly and then the bass player who i got him and the security guard just went and saw titanic together one day what the two dudes? And I don't... What kind of place is this, man? I understand that these details make it sound unbelievable. But that, like,

I'm a better storyteller than that. If I wanted to add to the story to make it spicier, I would say, like, oh... Like that rum. Oh, then, yeah, yeah. I'll Captain Morgan's the shit the right way.

I can tell a story. That's why it's a fun detail because it makes no sense. Yeah. It was all hanging out. We should be buddies. Yeah, we did hang out. They got along. What did you guys do?

We went and saw Titanic. The fuck? Hey, man, live your life. So anyway, this girl goes, you're going to come with me tonight. And she tells you. Yeah. And that's – I told you. The only way I'm going to lose my virginity is a woman saying –

That's what you said. I'm going to do this to you. Like you got to be invited in like a vampire. So there's no question that this is in her ballpark. I am not pressuring anybody. I am not making someone else make... I'll make the mistake. I am here to be

the journalist of bad choices. Like, that was where the comedy was starting even before I was a stand-up was like, alright, I'll go out there and report back. I'll be the embedded journalist. Thank you. I can't tell you how many times I've said yes for the story.

I can't do it anymore. I've've said yes for the story. Yeah. For the story. I can't do it anymore. I've done it enough. You see comics that are like 50 and still like, we got to say yes. Like, no, you don't. No, you don't. No, dog.

You got a family. Let the young kids get their chops. But so I told my buddy, I'm like, she just said she can't take me from here because like, you know, obviously what she does for a living. But she's going to pick me up at a gas station over at Grand and Mannheim. So you got to drop me off there. I was like, oh, boy. So they close down.

I go. My buddy takes me over to that gas station. I wait there. She drives up. Black and red Camaro. I was going to ask. Kind of nice. Camaro, bro.

That is. Late 80s style, too. Not that rounded one. Like glass T-tops? I don't think it was T-tops. Honestly, the. Late 80s style, too. Not that rounded one. Like glass T-tops? I don't think it was T-tops. Honestly, the details started to get real hazy because now it was like, oh, now I know what's going to happen. And I get in the car with her and I'm – So you're – the person who's about to take your virginity pulled up to pick you up in a Camaro.

This serpent. The drive you away. This serpent came in a black and red Camaro. Get in, loser. We're taking your virginity. And I get in, and I'm like quiet, because I'm like, oh, this is it. It's happening. It's going to happen.

We're driving, and I finally just have to admit, like, I didn't know how to. I'm like, I'm a virgin. And she just goes, not for long. And I was like. I didn't know how to, I'm like, I'm a virgin. And she just goes, not for long. And I was like. I love this. I love Chris. And at that point, at that point, I was like, because you think you're going to be a sexual bad boy. You're like, I'm not.

I just wanted to be nice. I wanted the other way. I wanted this to be a mistake when I'm a junior with girls a virgin and we're both awkward. I want that. Why didn't I do that? Why didn't I do that? Why didn't I do that when I was 16? You went right from the bench to the pros, bro. Fucking 21, drunk on spiced rum, and I'm about to get fucking wrecked.

That's what's about to happen. So we go. We get out to Joliet. She's like, we can't go to my house. How long of a drive are you guys? Forever, as far as I was concerned. How long of a drive are you guys? Forever, as far as I was concerned.

You figure, where was that? It was like Grand and Manhattan. I figured O'Hare out to Joliet. Do you have condoms? 45 minutes. Are you? Shit. She was ready. She's prepared.

Is there any part of you, though, that's like, yes, finally? Is there any part of you that's, that's like, yes, finally? Like, is there any part of you that's – obviously you're still going. There was a little bit. But as soon as she's – when I was like, I'm a virgin, and I was kind of hoping for, oh, well, hey, let's make this a nice thing. A little hand rub on the knee or like, oh, I got you. She thought like, oh, well, I think she was also like, well, let's give you the story of a lifetime. I didn't want that story. That's not the story.

I wanted a little story. The story I wanted. I'm a little sweet Kyle. I'm a little sweet Kyle. Sweet Kyle. I got to go back to my mom and dad's after this. I got to go back. So.

He's gone home. I got to go back. We go out there. She's like, we can't go to my house because my neighbors know what I do for a living. I'm like, oh, all right. What the fuck does that mean? If they know, why the fuck can't you go? That means she did this last night with somebody else.

Or the neighbor's her boyfriend. She's probably just a hooker, but had to pay it. The fucking light bill was a little bit more than she thought this month and picked up a shift at All Stars. So we go to Days Inn in Joliet. And she pays? Yeah. This girl paid?

She goes in. She's like, I'll go handle this because they know what I do for a living. She said it twice. Twice she said they know what I do for a living. Your neighbors and the people at the Days Inn? The Days Inn. I want to know what you do for a living. Your neighbors and the people at the Days Inn? The Days Inn. I want to know what you do for a living. Go to a Days Inn and it's just, we're hanging out.

But you don't pay. This girl also paid to take your virginity. Yeah. I'm a John. That's a great story. No, I'm the. But it's also your first ever. But I'm not the John.

Then I'm the hooker. I was paid for. Yes. You were bought. You were bought, bro. That woman paid to fuck you. Days in, got your money, though. What horrible quality control on her part.

This is your freebie. You got a punch card. You could have gotten so much more for your money, Crystal. If you're watching, Crystal, I'll Venmo you. It was the sleeves, bro. Those rolled up sleeves. God, she's a sucker for them. I probably went through at least three quarters of a pack of her Newport 100s.

I had nerves. Did you roll your cigarettes up in the sleeves? I ran out. I was smoking hers. Newpy 100s. All right, so she gets you inside. Long menthols. You're talking.

Is she smoking weed or just cigarettes? Nothing. Everything. I was just sober at that point. Sober and knowing I'm about to do a mistake that's not going to be as cool as I think. Disrobe and all right, time for sex. And it's like I'm trying to like I'm not really attracted to her. Like I was attracted to the idea of what was going to happen.

But then, you know, days in lighting, not the sexiest, no scarves over a lamp. And so kind of like she's defilading me and I'm like – at that point I'm like, well, I got to say something dirty. I'll say something dirty to her. I said, oh, he's sucking my balls. I'm like, maybe that's a thing. It's a thing, yeah. And she was like, oh, finally, you're participating. That's what I'm talking about.

She's like, there he is. It's like when you see the golden retriever with the three tennis balls. It just went... Just getting all the corn off the cob right away. And simultaneously, like I told you... She's not a veteran. She's a veteran. The longest tailing.

Right up your... This means fuck you you and it physically she the symbolism became the realism the symbolism went to realism the first time you had sex she shoved the finger up your ass you did go pro right away i had the sex you wanted to have i went from when i lost my virginity i went from oh god i wanted that i went from mall i went from uh i went from strip mall taekwondo to mma in 30 seconds yeah just fucking like like how many knuckles deep are you trying to go is there a wrist in there at this point and i just but did you love it no you didn't okay why would i now give it a shot exactly

crystal might have just warmed you up for everybody i i remember this is where like when do the details i remember i put my i put my hand on her forehead and pushed her away and i remember i said, that's enough of that. What a hell of a thing. Because I didn't know how to get out of it. Because she showed no signs of stopping, and it was uncomfortable. That's enough of that. Because I didn't want to ruin the mood.

That was the best. that's enough please stop I didn't want to sound like it was bad just take it out I wanted to sound like we're moving on to something else it's so proper and then we kind of had sex that might be the greatest line I've ever heard. I never came.

She's like, did you cum? I was like, oh, sure. There's no way I did. Then she slept. She ground her teeth. I watched the sunrise in a January Joliet sunrise from a day's end room, chain smoke and Newport 100s. Thanks to a stripper grinding her teeth. I had never slept next to a woman.

And so I didn't even know what grinding teeth sounded like. And I thought like something was wrong with the bed because it was like a – She was getting at him that hard. And I just, I was like, what have I done? Like you get one chance. And I was like,

well, you got to tell it. You got into it. You didn't do this for yourself. That's a great one. A prostitute. I owe you for the Crystal, I owe you for the story. Here's to you, Crystal. I owe you for the story.

A prostitute paid to have sex with you. God bless. God bless. I didn't even look at it that way. Oh, fuck. I'm sweating now. I'm sweating just thinking about it now. Oh, man.

Okay. Does Crystal drive you home? Crystal brought me back tonight. You still got to spend the morning. How's that ride? Where was my... My car was... I think my car was at my friend's house or something. It wasn't back to my folks' house. But my mom was also

like, call every night. Even if you're not coming home, just call and let me know. So all you gotta do is call. And it's like, I understand that reasoning, but like, it's like, oh, so she knows you're safe, but also it's a bit of a control thing. Like, no matter where you are, I'm gonna know where you're at. It's like, I'm an adult, but I'm also

an adult that lives under your roof, not paying bills. So I can't really sit here and be like, I'm an adult. Cause I'd be like, fine, pay for your own shit. pay for your own shit i'd be like your little boy's hungry what's in the fridge so i got i remember just like getting in my car like fucking hickeys and shit and i'm just like oh cold out today when did you start with scarves like shut the fuck up man and uh i told you tell me when crystal dropped you off she peeled out i went When did you start with scarves? Like, shut the fuck up, man. And I told her. Please tell me when Crystal dropped you off, she peeled out. I wish.

Please tell me. I wish. No, but she came back in the next night I was working at the gas station. She did. To, like, just hang out. All right. But, like. She liked you then.

Yeah, but being, like. I feel bad, but, like, being real trashy about it. Like my wallet was on the counter. She just dropped it in her pants. I like Crystal. I'd like Crystal now. Maybe. You weren't ready for Crystal.

Out of the gate, Crystal's not what you need. That's bodacious, the bull out of the gate. I should say I don't think I'm still not ready for Crystal. Out of the gate, Crystal's not what you need. That's bodacious, the bull out of the gate. I should say, I don't think I'm still not ready for Crystal. You know what? I think that morally, who I am now, I think I'm glad that maybe I'm not a person who was ever ready for Crystal. Let's put it that way. I think that maybe as much as I wanted to be bad boy, cool rock and roll dude, I was just raised too correctly to really embrace that stuff. Let's take a quick break and tell you about our next sponsor, Manscaped.

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So you never had sex with her again? No. And did she ever hang out with you again after that second time, I guess? No. But wouldn't you see her at the strip club? I do. Well, this is the thing. Like, okay, in the real talk about it, I think there probably was some trauma.

Because I've never been to therapy. So I don't know. With you or with Crystal? Because I will say there's a lot of trauma. No, no, no. Definitely to me because – From that? Yeah.

Oh, really? Yeah. Why do you think that? For the longest time – I don't know because I drink a lot but I would never – like I would never come. Like I would drink and hook up and would always – couldn't finish sex for the longest time. And to the point that I did go – I went to – I had one – I was dating out here who like finally got mad at me about that happening. And like was like, what are you – like are you gay or something? And then realized that was a harsh thing to say and then suggested for me to go to – like was talking to her therapist about it. I'm like, fine. I'll go see somebody.

But I went to like the UCLA student therapist, which they don't know shit. They're still in college. But I'm like – I didn't have insurance. I'm like, I'm not paying full price for fake problems to get fixed. I'm not paying full price for fake problems to get fixed. So I went – for like three weeks, I went and talked to some student who was like a woman, was an attractive woman. So that made it hard for me to kind of discuss the problem and I just stopped going. So I never addressed it and for the longest time, I was just accepted like, nah, you're just kind of a broken dude and whatever.

Like sex wasn't a priority before. Now it's proven that it's not a priority. I have – I have to say since been – the ship has righted itself, which is a good thing. But also like I – we had gone to a strip club in the city. It had to be a few years later. Just a different strip club because after that night she came back and I never saw her again after that. And I kind of – we weren't going that much anymore. That was kind of kind of like all right i did the thing and i can back off from this um but then i saw her and i think i had like ptsd really i saw her come out and i got like scared shitless i got like nervous and sweaty and like i come over i freaked out she's like hey and i'm like oh fuck it's like she recognized me and i i left you bail and stuff? I freaked out. She's like, hey. And I'm like, oh, fuck. She recognized me and I left.

You bailed? Yeah. Like I got freaked out. And again, not the macho cool thing. But like, yeah, I think I – so there probably was some like actual life results and effects. But that's not fun. Yeah, well. That part of the story is not cool.

Camaro is cool. She also said she was on a of the story is not cool. Camaro is cool. She said she also had a motorcycle. She was like, this Camaro is nice. Of course she did. She's like, I can fix it myself. I'm like, they're rough hands, man. They're fucking big. There might have been oil around those lips.

Oil around big knuckles, man. Those big broken knuckles. Anyway, what other stories do you want? Let's hear about, all right, so you say you may have had trauma. So let's hear about the first time you actually had sex with a person where it was mutual, like, let's do this, and looked forward to it. How many years later? I'm guessing years. Probably like a year or so.

Yeah. That one I felt bad about that one because that was a girl that I was dating. Was that a girlfriend? Yeah. Yeah, I was kind of dating her, but I wasn't taking it seriously. And then one night she wanted to have sex, and she was virgin virgin and I tried to talk her out of it. You're like, listen, man. Let me get crystal and no one real quick.

Are you sure you want to do this? It should be special. Trust me. It should be special. Let me tell you now. And we just – we had sex. And did you feel differently after that? Did you finally feel better?

Like, okay, this is actually something that or were you still in that it did but then i felt bad knowing them like oh i don't i don't plan on seeing this person for a long time so then i felt bad have you ever had guilt-free sex with strangers you mean or anyone well that i mean with the way things are now i mean i had i was a real whore from 2010 to 2014 like i was like now i don't think i was a creep but i was definitely not like like i was just i was out having sex yeah you were single yeah i was single and maybe that's maybe it's guilt telling me that like look when i look. When I'm single, I'm very single. When I'm not, I'm not.

Yeah. I hear you. But it was like – I'm like, oh, we're hooking up. And then somebody's like, well, aren't we doing a thing? I'm like, no, I thought we were just – I thought it was two adults hooking up and I was misinterpreting someone else having feelings. So I thought that was guilt-free. And I've been in a relationship since 2014. And so obviously that was guilt-free and I've been in a relationship since 2014 and so obviously that's guilt-free. Well, there you go.

And therapeutic and being with somebody who's understanding. And it's righted itself. Yeah. And like – Crystal's defeated. Yeah. talk about your past problems and things that are a funny story but that are kind of maybe hiding some trauma that you can work out with somebody and not to get all schmaltzy but it's a great thing about being with somebody that you love and trust is that like all right here's all the

shit that's wrong and if you want to split i understand but if not i i want to work on all this stuff with you to create a good relationship. Yeah, and to minimize the amount of times this bullshit rears its ugly head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. I'll just tell you why this is happening and what past results have been, and let's get it out in the open. Yeah, that's great. That's the spot to be. Yeah.

That's the spot to be yeah that's the spot to be all right i want to shift gears because i know you you got to get going here in a little bit but i want to hear about getting pulled out of your sister's fucking house by the police you just dropped that nugget in there and that was this week last week so i'm i came down from oregon to like I'm going to come back to L.A. I bought a van to put my mountain bikes in and to tour in. What kind of van? What do you got? Ford Transit, high roof, like RV.

Oh, yeah, the high roof. Yeah, yeah. So I'm going to do it. I got back down to L.A. last Friday, and my sister's in Hollywood. Her and her gal were out of town, so I'm at their place. And everything's like, fine, I'm getting my favorite pizza, whatever's hanging out. I had a show Saturday night outdoors.

Got kind of ripped beers, canned Mai Tais, real shitty drinks. They will put the screws to you. So I have these canned Mai Tais, whatever, Saturday night. I feel like, yeah, back, great show, fun times. Sunday I wake up, wicked hungover. And I'm kind of just laying around handling shit. I go take – I'm trying to clean up my mess. I take the trash out the back door of their place.

Now I'm laying back on the couch just barefoot. And I like this, like hair pushed back. But like this is how I'm looking. It's usually like up and all fucked up. And I'm aware. I know I look – like I look pretty homeless. And all of a sudden, I see somebody come through the gate into their little patio and they're wearing masks. It was weird because I thought it was my sister and girlfriend.

But I'm like, why would they be wearing masks coming to their own home? I saw them and the door opened a little bit. Their front door opened a little bit. I'm like, oh, maybe it's the utility landlord called like maintenance or something. What time of day is this? Like 2.30 in the afternoon. And so I get up and I open the door and it's just – it's like three or four cops with guns out. Whoa.

And just step out of the house. Like right – my hands went up. Like whoop. And apparently I tripped off a silent alarm going out the back door. It was a panic. This is the thing. It was a panic alarm. It was the panic alarm.

It was the please call the cops right now alarm. But I'm just like barefoot and looking like I just found a hot water source. Hot water source? So I can't come up on them about anything. And I was like, whoa. They pulled me out like well panic alarm was tripped everything was fine

like they did their jobs I know everybody has their opinion about police right now and I was like I put the video online and people were like that was aggressive I'm like I was there it wasn't aggressive and like people like you're fucking friends of the cop like nah I got my beef with the cops too.

But in this instance, everything was handled as it should. It's because you're fucking white. All right. I know that. You don't have to tell me that. I've seen what's going on. But I also look like of all the white. I'm definitely on the suspect end of white.

You're definitely on the suspect end. I'm definitely on the suspect end of white you're definitely on the suspect end I'm definitely on that end barefoot barefoot and fuck just bleary eyed like whoa oh man that was Sunday as I'm standing outside in the patio and they're like realizing

it's not an issue there are three gunshots coming from like Santa Monica and Cahuenga and they are like can we's not an issue we're three gunshots coming from like santa monica and coenga and they are like can we go check that out because that seems like it's more important they leave that night there's three earthquakes yeah i'm laying on the couch yeah i'm laying on the couch still thinking about how the day went down and then fucking you know god's building inspector comes along i can go kick the tires out in Southern California. I go out to Joshua Tree because that's what you do. I got my van stuck in the desert, spent four hours trying to dig it out before I had – I wound up with like – you know those like the big meth pickup trucks you get to see out at the Inland Empire?

Yes. Like they're real tall. Like they're just trying to like hide from alimony payments kind of thing. I had to get one of those dudes to come and pull me out. Yeah. Because I called AAA and they came out like something from a Disney movie bouncing along the street. Like, oh, we can't do this. I'm like, I told you what was going on.

And that's where like we just got to call a guy. Like they just got a guy. Like we got to call Garrett. Like all right, call fucking Garrett. That happened – that was Thursday after we kind of camped through like a windstorm for two days. I finally get pulled out of the desert. I come back. Some shit went down.

Friday night I did a show where they had to physically, like a heckler, rush the stage. Where the hell was that? Out in Echo Park at this show behind a barbershop. Somebody ran on the stage? Yeah. I'm trying to think, like, man, all right. We're just getting back. We're just getting back to shit.

But assholes have been cooped up, too. They have. There's just been assholes not knowing. The hecklers have been cooped up too yeah like imagine being an isolated asshole like where do you go you go to the comedy show first thing and you fuck up everybody's night that was friday i got my johnson and johnson vaccine now this is the bit i'll do the bit johnson and johnson vaccine is appropriately lame because it feels like you're getting fucked by two dicks at once. That took me out. Saturday

night, I was down so bad with chills. I think they just gave me COVID. I don't even think they gave me a vaccine. No, I think they gave me the whole thing. I think I just got the full blast of it. That took me out Saturday and yesterday. I had a cancel show

Saturday and last night. And now I think the vaccine – well, I don't want to, like, propagate bad information. All I know is now my – like, if I got arthritis or gout, my knee doesn't bend. And then some other bullshit happened. I don't know, man. It's been a week back in L.A. where I'm like, I'm done.

Yeah, man. Get me out of this town. I appreciate you fucking even making time to do this, for God's sake. I forgot you're in Santa Monica. I've flown to China to do shows. I wouldn't come to Santa Monica to do gigs when I lived here. People are like, hey, I got a great show. I'm like, sure, man.

It's at the West Side. Good luck with that show. Good luck with that, man. Traffic's not that bad these days coming here. You've got a lot. 50 minutes to drive, an hour and a half to look for parking. Ah, fuck. And I was.

I was already late being here. And I'm driving, and my knees hurt, and I find one spot. I get all the way out. I get my water, my coffee. I walk all the way around to the meter. It's out of order. I'm like, oh! That's a free one.

Suck my dick! No, that's a free one. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If it's out of order i'm like oh that's a free one suck my dick no that's a free one really yeah yeah yeah if it's out of order you're allowed to park there it's not doing me any good now oh shit yeah i learned that here from the police i work with if it's out of order you just got a free one yeah i was wondering because i always thought it wasn't because people back in the day they used to take coins and jam it in there and fuck it up but now with this digital shit not only that that, these fucking meters here, once the meter runs out, you can't refill it. There's a weight sensor in it.

So I thought maybe it was a different person's car that we tried. Nope, you got to pull off that fucking thing. It's crazy. I didn't even know if they're still checking stuff because we moved out in June and I was in Hollywood. We had like somebody just left their pickup truck there. But it was one of those dickhead park jobs where it was in between what could be two spaces. And finally, I was like – it was stick shift.

So I broke into it and popped it in neutral and moved it myself because I was like – It was abandoned. They were like, oh, no, we're not towing any cars. I'm like, all right, man. We got to do some street justice I guess. I would have just drifted that up to a red curb and let them get it. I was trying. It was like. Like, you know, like, oh, no, we're not towing any cars. I'm like, all right, man, we got to do some street justice, I guess. I would have just drifted that up to a red curb and let them get it. I was trying. Like, it was, like, out of hell.

I could barely, like, scoot it. But it was already kind of – I didn't even break anything in the car. I actually unscrewed the latch on one of the windows. I was impressed with myself because, again, I'm a good person. Yeah, you're good, Kyle. Well, look, bad boy, I appreciate you being here. And I know we got to get you out here but before we do i told you at the beginning i'm gonna ask you now what advice after everything we've talked about would you give to 16 year old bad boy i think i was screaming about it earlier

i think man just i i think some of the stories stories, it's weird because advice only works from wisdom. Like you got to live to get the wisdom. So the advice is, but it's that with storytelling, like you can turn anything into a compelling story with skill. So maybe you don't have to be the life of the party and the loudest one there and the guy who's going to do all the crazy shit. Because in retrospect, when I thought I was being the life of the party, I was just an asshole. Like, I don't know if you had this time. Like, man, boy, everybody thinks you're the most fun one. I was like, no, you're just yelling loud enough that you don't hear the people going, what a jag off.

Like, that's so. That's great advice. Maybe calm down and like appreciate what other people are doing instead of trying to outshine them. Like it's not a competition for attention. Man, that's great. I love what you're saying right now, because there is something to be said for the person who's present and takes it all in and is then the narrator or author

of these stories later down the line and turns that bullshit into something. That's very well said. You don't have to be the main character in every story. You can observe and collect these stories and retell them, and it could be just as fun or entertaining or compelling whether or not it happened to you. And I look back at the friends, like the real artists that I was growing up with, were the ones that kind of still were mentally documenting what was happening, were around for it, but weren't trying to make the headline out of it.

That's great. Well, thank you for coming on here. This was a lot of fun. We got in there. It was a lot of fun. We didn't even talk about time. You almost quit comedy because of that chick. Was it Crystal?

No, it was a whole different girl. It was a whole different girl. One more time. Plug whatever you want. Promote whatever you'd like. It's just Kyle Kinane on all the platforms. I really only mess with Instagram now and even that. I'm not a fan of being on there.

I hear you. I'm out there. Just look it up. I put an album out last year. I think it flopped. So check that out. My most proud thing I've put out in comedy and it shit the bed. So go check that out. I think it's on Spotify.

Maybe this is why it flopped because I don't know how to promote things. I think it's on Spotify. Go listen to it a hundred times so I can get a cup of coffee. There you go. Well, as always, Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com. We'll talk to you all next week. Thank you.