The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Maronzio Vance

Episode Date: August 5, 2019

My #HoneyDew this week is Maronzio Vance! Maronzio goes deep into his past and openly discusses the trauma he suffered from being molested and how that has played a role in his relationships and his life. Trauma isn't an easy thing to open up about and it's definitely not something that's easy to laugh about. The HoneyDew is a safe space to dive into the darkness and find that light and laughter and we go there! I can't thank Maronzio enough for being so honest! Subscribe, download & review!

You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're out here at Studio Jeans doing it up at your mom's house. I'm Ryan Sickler. You can find me on all social media at Ryan Sickler. My website is ryansickler.com. That's where you can find out everything and anything about me. Contact me, all that stuff.

The show I want to promote, Baltimore, coming back home September 14th, Saturday. Going to be there doing a show back at Jimmy's again. Get your tickets now. They're almost gone, so you better get on it, because I really don't know if I can do a second show when I'm in town. And I just want to thank you all. Every week I say it. Every week I mean it. The show's growing. You guys are reaching out.

I love seeing you spread the word, share the wealth. All the information for this show you can find at thehoneydopodcast.com We've got some new merch we're working on right now. You can find all the social media links there. You can email me there.

You can subscribe to your mom's house podcast over there, the YouTube channel especially. You guys say, how can we support the show and help the show? You can engage with the sponsors. That's one of the best ways to help the show. So I appreciate all of you. And if you're new to the show, what we do here is we highlight the lowlights. We look for a little bit of that light in the darkness and have a good time with it. And as I always say, these are the stories behind the storytellers.

And today, my storyteller, I'm very excited to have here, ladies and gentlemen, Maronzio Vance. Welcome to the show, brother. How you doing, buddy? Oh, they're clapping. There's some clapping in the booth going on. Thank you for being here, man. You're going to be disappointed. That's what the honeydew is all about, bro.

I don't know why people clap before they see me do anything. I'm like, you are setting yourself up. Well, I'm excited to have you here. And before we get into it, please promote everything and anything you want. I don't know man i have a podcast called killing time i've been doing this since 2011 um nowhere near as

sophisticated as your mom's house or honeydew at all over here aren't they that shit over there i thought it was a fucking talk show i was like oh they they do letterman is this like i like this is what craig kil used to do? Like his bullshit show? And they just bought the set of Craig Kilborn. It's a fucking nice leather couch. Everything in this area over here is better than everything I have going on in my life. This is the honeydew of the studio right here. You see what I'm saying?

This is dope. It's like SportsCenter. You're staying. No, you're're what's the guy i'm staying scott van pelt sky van pelt no that's scott because scott look like leukemia patient he's from maryland though so that's why i say oh well i don't know if he's from he went to maryland let's not give let's give him the benefit of the doubt but uh yeah this is dope man like and i like the name of your podcast thank you i like it honeydew yeah i'm from the south so

my grandfather used to where are you charlotte north carolina north carolina so we got north carolina south carolina my grandfather wake up at six five o'clock in the morning drive all the way to columbia south carolina which was an hour and a half go pick up fruit vegetables and everything put on the back of his truck drive back to charlotte and drove around the entire city selling fruit and vegetables, dude. Man, first of all, that's fantastic. And I miss that. Just being from Maryland, people don't get work.

Yeah, work. But, I mean, once you get across that Chesapeake Bay Bridge, there's people selling corn out of the back of their pickup truck on the side of the road. It's some of the best shit you can get. It's real people. Yeah. Crabs, fruit, vegetables.

It's real people doing real people shit. Just a pickup truck. Yeah. Sitting right there on the side. That road it's some of the best it's real people yeah crabs it's real people doing real people shit just sell just a just a pickup truck yeah sitting right there that was your store yeah that's what my grandfather used to do and i stayed with him one summer and he uh i always wanted to do what the men in my family would do because they were they were men you know what i mean like they just did men can you curse on your podcast yeah you do men shit uh so my grandfather who had was born like 1908 he had this third grade education would be like yo let's go i want to show you you know how to make some money or whatever and i was like i don't want to get but i'm 11 years old i don't want to show you you know how to make some money or whatever and I was like I don't want to get I'm 11 years old I don't want to do anything at five o'clock in the morning except roll over yeah and go and get three more hours of sleep and he was like nah come with me and it wasn't

an argument because it was grandfather he said do it I did it and he took me down to South Carolina one day do and I saw my grandfather like go and gather all these fruits these vegetables he had the baskets he put on the back of the truck and i'm riding up the highway with my grandfather we just having a conversation and i'm listening to him tell me stories about his childhood and i'm like god if i was older at the time i was like god damn you had it bad at the kid i'm like oh that's that's fucked up but i mean i got sega genesis so i don't know what to tell you you know what i mean like you're not you're not connected and then i go back and i hear those conversations now and i'm like oh that's that's fucked up but i mean i got sega genesis so i don't know what to tell you you know what i mean like you're not you're not connected and then i go back and i hear those conversations now and i'm like fuck you know what i mean like we bitch about a phone

right having a low charge or whatever like i should so first world first world first world that when i hear people bitching i'm like stop it it's the ego you're mad you're spoiled a little piece of shit you know i mean everybody everybody's a piece of shit but you're just really being a you're highlighting the fact that you're a piece of shit highlighting the low light yeah highlighting low light that you're a piece of shit so you know he made me do that and and i appreciated it and um i grew from that man like i really grew from watching my grandfather because he just did it there was no help there was no like hey you know i'm trying to do this will somebody give me some money or nothing he just he just did it you know what i mean and i

that's why i kind of hate comedy now for me because when i first moved out here i just did shit and then you get an agent and a manager and they're like we got you and then you're like oh well cool i'm good my career take off suck my dick everybody about that kisses my ass and then I just did shit. And then you get an agent and a manager and they're like, we got you. And then you're like, oh, well, cool. I'm good. My career is about to take off. Suck my dick. Everybody about to kiss my ass and then they don't do nothing for you anymore.

And then you become lazy and stop working for yourself because you assume that everything is going to be It's going to be done for. It's going to be done for now. And then they're like, ah, yeah,

we're not into you no more. Or we thought you had good pussy and you didn't. So we thought, yeah. Everybody, every client that has good good pussy the manager and the agency oh you probably got some good pussy and then they fucking they're like ah it's a little dry and they let you go right so you you end up mad like women you're like i thought you loved me i did but then i got the pussy and i was like ah it's just like every other pussy. I don't want it no more. Well, speaking of women, I want to talk about that because I ask everyone before they come on,

send me some info about what you want to talk about. I didn't listen to that. Well, that's okay. But you came in today and you said there was something specific you wanted to talk about. Some people tell life stories and stories within those. Some people have told just one story. But you said something really interesting, and I'd love to talk to you about it and stories within those. Some people have told just one story. But you said something really interesting, and I'd love to talk to you about it and hear about it.

So what I wanted to do, and I was debating, because I started writing a book two years ago. Real quick, is there a website or anything you'd like to promote? You mentioned your podcast, but I don't want to. The podcast is killing time. Where can I go so your dates where can they find out no days because you and i used to have the same agent and i fired him and i am on the sideline waiting on phil jackson to put me back in the game like i didn't lose my jump shot

i just uh had the wrong whistle yeah this shit right here. Scotty, come here. Yeah, coach. I still got the jump shot. I'm really... I'm fucking Ron Harper over here without the stutter. I just want to play. I'm good if you put me in. Sorry, Ron. I'm a Chicago Bulls fan. I was writing a book.

Oh, Killing Time, MaronzioVans.com. Social media is MaronzioVans.com uh social media is maronzio vans everything i don't have the creativity to come up with fucking aliases and shit like ah shortblackguy.com don't fuck it bitch this is it like someone bought my name and i was like what to go like get your daddy sell it to you bitch you not good luck using the name that i just figured out how to use yeah good luck bitch it sounds italian to me yes very deceiving when you when people look for me when they walk over

they're like there's gonna be an italian guy greasy hair mafia looking motherfucker fucking backpack rapper they just walked in this bitch fucking a backup dancer for kanye just walked in this bitch i look like lupe fiasco in high school backpack rappers these days this is the truth so the guy bought it he was like you want it you can get it for bitch how much do you want to give it to you remember ask for like five thousand dollars that's insane bitch are you crazy i did i didn't learn how to spell my name completely into the fourth grade. Good luck using my name. But also, you have one shot with that name.

Yeah. You're going to make your sales pitch one time to that guy. And if that guy says nah, you're stuck with that shit. Keep it, bitch. You're stuck with it. Who's going to buy it? One of my ex-girlfriends? They'll be like yeah i can

i still own a piece of him somehow fine bitch take it i'll change my fucking name you know how fucking you know how petty i am i will rename me in front of you i'll name me after your father and carry the last name vance how about that dick. I'm sorry. I'm being honest though. I know you are. I get a lot of funny comedians. It's all going to go together. It's all going to go together. I'm not going to ramble. Nicole Schreiber.

Very funny female comic. Friend of mine. We did a show last night in Irvine Improv. And we were walking. We were in the car driving. And she tells me, comics are intimidated by you. And I was like i don't know and the comic she was like the comic was telling me he was like man i like maranze i think it's funny but i don't think he likes me and i was like who i'm not thinking about whether or not you're worried about if i like you because you shouldn't

worry about that one because it shouldn't matter two i don't like anybody so don't don't try to do something that can't be done you're in my wheelhouse you're in my wheelhouse like there's no way to get out of it you're you're breathe if you're human and you're breathing i don't i just don't care for you so she's like people are intimidated by you and i was like i don't know what that is i'm a small guy when i walk in a room no one's like oh here comes like fucking this walk of life you know what i mean but i'm i'm blunt and when i lived in new york it was appreciated la la comics did you see the video the five foot guy at the bagel shop was that not the greatest thing in the

fucking world oh dude that guy yo i thought it was bruce fine at first and then and i'm like is that bruce fine man i'm fucking talking about i had a handful of people hit me up like is that you ryan sick i'm 5 10 motherfuckers yo 70 inches what the fuck kind of angle did you think the camera was in it was like fucking lord of the rings when they look at the average that made me feel good that my height in this day and age is above average that's fucking hilarious dude that guy running his mouth if you didn't see that shit god when he got tackled then he got pummeled yeah on top of you ever seen extras the tv show where ricky gervais kicks uh warwick yeah and i was like he just kicked the midget like you don't understand how funny that is to be first of all

i'm sorry i know you can't say the m word bitches or whatever like oh don just kicked the midget. You don't understand how funny that is to me? First of all, I'm sorry. I know you can't say the M word, bitches, or whatever. Like, oh, don't ever say midget. It's a word. But I say midget in my comedy special. I got all this hate mail from midgets or whatever. But I don't give a fuck. Toughen up, bitch. Do you want to say how funny kicking a midget is?

That's just fucking comedy. I love Ricky G gervais to kick a person period is great it's a great feeling but to kick a human being that could actually like move at the at the idea of you kick them so hard that they're not long they're no longer in the space they once were when you kick them just male birth could kick a midget in a movie why can't you do it in real life? You could try. Oh, my God. If they had a place where you can go and burn off anger and steam,

like you can break plates and all that shit. If they had a place where you could pay $100 to kick a midget, I would fucking be broke. I would be broke. Where you going today? Kicking a midget, bitch, at 2 o'clock. How old are you? 43. All right right do you remember

i want to say back in when we were kids there was a show and it might even been like mr t came to popularity and what remember there were like these bar there were these um like bartender uh not bartender what am i saying bar uh bouncer bouncer uh events yeah and they would do this shit where they had to run through a door and ring a bell and all this yeah i'm pretty sure one of them was throwing a fucking a person i'm pretty sure it was you got to i'm pretty sure that was an that was part of the event they had to throw like a little midget i fucking hate vegas right i fucking hate vegas the fact that the sun doesn't burn it down makes me angry because it tries every year like

god does to drown florida but he just won't complete it right vegas is terrible with that being said i went to a circus soleil show there i think it was zoomanity or some shit whatever some freaky shit and my my gaydar or transgender r is not working because this guy was a woman the entire time he was dressed like a woman the entire time. He was dressed like a woman. But I'm like, there's something oddly about this woman. And then at the end, it's like, I'm a man. I'm like, damn, bitch, you good.

Like, he just, god damn, that was a magic trick. Like, god damn, I was sitting here the whole time questioning my sexuality. Like, am I not picking up on the signs? This is a masculine woman. And then it turns out, I'm a man. I'm like, god damn. I'm glad i didn't shoot my shot with this bitch right so in the in the in the circles of the play they have a midget

that swings around in a trapeze ryan i'm not a fucked up person i'm not but i am a fucked up person right we're all fucked up when this midget was going around on this stream everything to me was like i don't want nothing else out of life but this motherfucker to come off this stream and go flying. Dude, I would have given all my money to charity that day. Quick comedy, shaved my head and passed out pamphlets at the airport with an orange toga on and said fucking Heidi Krishna for the rest of my life. Had that midget flown off that goddamn Hawaii dude. And I was like, when he didn't fall off,

I was like, God ain't real. Because if he wanted me to be happy, he would have sent that midget airborne. Oh my God. Like Dumbo. What? Yo, if he had just like flown, like he would have died.

But I would have just died laughing. I was like, God, he died. But watching that video over? Man, I'm fucked up. So how did we get there? Kick a midget for $100. That's where you started. God damn, dude.

All that goes back to GoFundMe for kick a midget. Offended. So people thought I was mean or or whatever and i'm not um i went to therapy for the very first time well how old 40 went to why what finally pushed you into therapy um a relationship i was in was starting to get stale not still like i don't enjoy fucking you no more or you're not as cute as when i first saw you you know you've been eating a lot why is there two people you know in you now uh situation it was just like it was not progressing and it was getting to that point where all my relationship would get where it could go serious, but then the commitment issue would come in. So attraction is still there.

All that's still there. It's more about long term commitment. I'm going to be honest. I'm a creative. You're creative. We're comics. You write. You create.

For some people, it's different. I get bored very easily like chewing gum is boring to me like and that's how i would treat relationships or sneakers like i'll chew it a little bit of flavor ah throw it out i need a new piece of gum i gotta try to sign the flavor in the gum when there's no more flavor take it out dip it in something put it back in my mouth whatever i gotta do but i went you know the therapy and in the therapy session um which was supposed to be couples therapy but it ended up being us hashing out all our issues in front of each other which we probably should have done in a separate room i see you so it wasn't you both were there together but you were talking about your individual yeah and that's not what we were supposed to do.

We were supposed to be like, how can we make your relationship better? And then this lady went down this, this bitch made a left turn at Albuquerque. And we ended up in New Mexico. And we like talking about like each other's individual bullshit. So she tells, you know, my ex starts telling about her shit. And then the therapist, out of nowhere, nobody has ever asked me. No human being of nowhere nobody has ever asked me no human being walking this planet has ever asked me the question she asked me and because she asked me i felt the need to actually honor the moment by being truthful the lady looked at me i said something

to her she was like have you ever been molested before and i was like yes like i took a second like i took a pause like because i was like bitch what are you up to like are you this is the first time anyone's asked that no one's ever asked me any parents mom did nobody had ever asked me and i was like this bitch is a sorceress or something did you do you remember it and or did that did she make you remember it with that question no i i remember it okay because i think about it all the time okay i didn't know if it was something it was no it wasn't like you know spotless mind where i had went someplace and zapped my brain it was there but it had been creeping up more and more and more like playing out in relationships

and things playing out through all my every relationship has suffered from the trauma i went through so when she said yeah i was like when she asked me i was like yes and my ex i don't think was ready for that answer and then you know she was, you don't have to go into detail if you don't want to. Were you ready? Were you ready? No. Who's ready? To talk about it.

No, I'm just saying, like, who's ever ready? No one's ever ready. No one's ready for anal. No one's like, today's the day. I've been practicing. Practice. You ready? Get in there.

I've been squatting. I've been kegeling today. Haven't eaten for two days. Haven't eaten for two days. I've been kegeling with my asshole. I'm ready. Let babe i got a helmet on let's get in here but i wasn't ready but i was like it's it's out now so let's go ahead and talk about it and you know we we discussed it so long story short uh you can make it long long well long story long my parents split up. How old were you?

First grade, first, second grade. I was an honor roll student. I probably could have cured cancer as much as I was in the school. And I was only in the school because it made my dad proud. Whatever made my dad happy and my mother loved me, I would do that. You know what I mean? So my dad being proud of me getting good grades meant everything to me. Whatever my dad was into,

I was into that because it's a father-son bond. This is what this guy is doing. I want to do that. I don't like wrestling. I fucking think wrestling is the dumbest shit in the fucking world. I like WWE.

WWF, Coco Beware, Hulk Hogan, all this bullshit, Iron fucking dumb you a fucking man watching another man oiled up fighting in a goddamn costume you think this is fucking incredible incredible i want to i want to kick every person that likes wrestling the same way i want to kick fucking midgets every person every person is like yo i went to i went to fucking america great american bash last night it was amazing undertaker was in a cage no he wasn't you fuck it's not a cage he can get out at any point in time cages when you can't go anywhere okay that's what happens to detain kids at the border cages

so my dad loved wrestling but i like wrestling because my dad liked wrestling he liked to wrestle with him i like to wrestle with dad whatever dad wanted to do mom and dad split up i don't think no child recovers from that it's a world coming to an end your parents saying we love you which you don't understand but we can't do this what we've been doing with each other so we don't know what to tell you exactly but dad's gonna go get some new pussy and mom's gonna try to fill a void with me you know find a cardboard cutout of me right so my my uh parents split up and it was hard for me and as soon as my dad left i immediately tried to fill the role of father by doing the things that my dad used to do around the house. Are you an only child? No. I was older. So it was me and my brother for a long time.

And then I think my mom and dad said, let's see if we can work it out, baby, which was my sister. And it didn't work out. So she, you know, my sister. So you got to stay with your mom. Your dad leaves. Okay. Never, you know, my dad moved back, whatever. And I tried to recreate.

So let me be honest. I've been trying to find a woman to fall in love with, to recreate the environment that my parents had before they split up. I see. You know what I mean? Absolutely. My entire existence has been trying to recreate that incubator that my parents had when I thought life was great. Perfect.

Yeah. But heroin, you're chasing that. I'm chasing that high. I'm chasing that high of the love that my parents had where I felt safe. Right. And I wanted to recreate it with somebody else. Everybody I tried to recreate it with. I shouldn't have tried to do it.

Like, I love my children. I don't like the carrying case. How many kids do you have? Two. Okay. I don't like the carrying case that they came in. Okay. Like, I love my sneakers.

I just hate the fucking Nike box. Yeah, the box. That it came in. Like, ah, this box is a little more shinier, maybe. But it would be a complete thing. But love the shoes. So I've been chasing that high of trying

to recreate what my parents had when it was great with somebody. But during the time when my parents were splitting up, my father was very strict. My father... Did he stay close by? You see him a lot? I didn't see him a lot when he first split up when my parents first split up you know they tried to make it as normal as possible

like i'll try to be over as much as i can so it doesn't fuck up your world too much but you know it gradually as you get older the time the time the time you know get further and further apart you know it was a time where he would take us to school every day. And then we moved in. We lost the house we were living in. We had to move in with my grandparents. And then my dad would pick us up from school. Cause my grandparents, my mother's parents live right down the street from my father's parents.

It was like, we live, we call it the grandmother neighborhood. Cause everybody's grandmother lived in the same fucking neighborhood. All of them are going to die at the same time. Neighbors going to smell like shit. Uh, same fucking neighborhood all of them gonna die at the same time neighbors gonna smell like shit uh i don't think about the shit i say until after it's done so i don't know how to fix that um it's literally like i have my special power is i realize what i've said after i said it like

before it's happening no filter after i'm like oh i probably shouldn't have said that but there's nothing i can do about it because i don't have the ability to go back in time, not to flash. So my grandparents lived down the street from each other, and my dad had moved back in with his mother, so he was going to pick us up, take us to school in the morning. We would ride with him.

My father's very old school. This motherfucker used to make us listen to Paul Harvey in the morning. Nuh-uh. Do you fucking understand? I know. I'm 10 years old in the car. I am Paul Harvey in the morning. Nuh-uh. Do you fucking understand? I know. I'm 10 years old in the car. I am Paul Harvey.

Hello, this is Paul Harvey. I'm like, today in the news, I'm like, motherfucker. There is rap music happening right now. I am 10 years old. 24 years old. Yes. I'm 10 years old in the car like, man, this dude, Paul Harvey, is really fucking giving us the business right now.

Like, why am I listening to this NPR bullshit? Like, I don't want to slit my wrist before I get my chocolate milk. Like, give me a chance, bitch. So he made us listen to fucking Paul Harvey in the morning. And, you know, I'm trying to figure out life. I had to go to counseling. Not therapy, but I had to go to counseling because I would wake up at two o'clock in the morning and i would clean the entire house really for my mom because my dad was a stay-at-home dad for a while okay so when my mom would be at work my dad

cleaning he's cooking cleaning the house like do it my dad is ocd anal like if i went to his house right now and this glass was on the counter and i turned it that way he would come back in the room after me, like, turn it back, like, what the fuck is wrong with you? It's very, like, Kathy Bates in Misery. You moved the fucking penguin to the left, and now I got to break your fucking legs. Fucking stupid. So, he's very anal. So, when he left, I tried to duplicate what he did. I would get up 2 o'clock in the morning vacuum i tried to be

quiet because i didn't want my mom to wake up because i wanted her to be surprised at the house i was like a little fucking black elf cleaning the house yeah i'm like a little nigglet elf coming out of the closet fucking cleaning the house and then i go back in the closet before the sun comes up and my mom was like oh what the fuck happened here like who's the niggler that came in and cleaned the house that's what the fuck i did but i would be fucking tired to fuck at school the next day because i would be in class what it worked what your mom noticed and what she noticed but she was like the fuck is like when did you have time to do this and then how this is what i learned at butter melts because i would like take out the eggs the bacon everything just have it on the counter neatly strategically placed so all she had

to do just grab it and make the eggs in the morning really nice though and put the butter out and two o'clock in the morning you put butter out by by two by six a.m it is oil it's just like a puddle of butter my mom what the fuck happened to the butter i was like i just put the butter out so you use it oh you're supposed to leave it in the refrigerator ah science i just learned yeah that butter melts so she was mad about that stick of butter i ain't no butter cost so much real butter margarine if you use margarine you're a piece of shit just know just know that you don't deserve nice things if you use fucking margarine you corner cut and cunt okay you corner cut and cunt if you fucking use margarine or shed spread you country crock anybody like yo i got some country crock

in the refrigerator i'll beat your fuck i'll kick you a tub of it it's a tub of country first of all it's not even butter if it's that much. Yeah, it's a tub. It's like a smart and final ottoman size of fucking butter. Who the fuck use it? People, I want to kick a midget and people that believe in wrestling. Your list has grown. And people that use

fucking country crock, you fucking piece of shit. By the time this shows up, I'm going to have like 20 people I'm going to want to kick. I'm going to be a goddamn kicker in the NBAba you're like he just kicks people that's what he does so you know my mom got mad at the butter situation but she understood but then she was like i gotta put this guy in counseling and i had to go talk to the counselor and so did you did your love for school change or did your grades and everything grades drop i became i instantly became dumb because i didn't it was like i'm just going now right dad's not because my dad would when my dad didn't work he

would turn the living room into a classroom taught me to my numbers the colors shape time like i'm i'm bringing i'm on a on a roll i'm like i'm going to college first grade i'm going to college by third grade like i mean i might just work somewhere making pants i don't think i'm going to college by third grade like i mean i don't know i might just work somewhere making pants i don't think i'm qualified i'm not cut out for life um so i had to go to counselor and i was mad i had to go to counselor because the counselor would try to talk to me during recess i'm like bitch i get one hour out of the day to burn off steam and i gotta fucking talk to you about why i don't smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in the morning because i'm stressed out because my dad's not there I don't want to do this these kids don't see salt I want to go up and down you know so I went through that for a little while and then I pretended that I was okay so I could fucking get my recess back and then I went through this thing where my mom started

bringing us around family members more because my dad didn't really like to be a family but he just wanted us mom dad sons his family he didn't really go around that much my mom's family he didn't really go around that much because my mom's family was really like family family you know you know i have latin friends mexican people get together every friday saturday and sunday and just eat and act like they never seen each other before but they do it every week that's why I broke up with my black next girlfriend. She's like, I'm going to go to my mom's house. Again today, bitch? We just went. Ten minutes ago. Why are we going back?

What the fuck are we doing? There's another KC at it? How many kids is it? This clown car family you got going on. So, my dad didn't like it. He didn't want to go over there. And then when my dad left, we started hanging out more with our family. And then we started hanging around older cousins.

And I'm kind of in the middle because my brother's younger than me and I had a lot of younger cousins. I'm the middle cousin. There's nobody my age on the family tree. So I had to hang out with the older people. The older kids didn't want to hang out with me because I wasn't cool. How old are you at that point? Six, six or seven.

Oh, you're still really young. Yeah, six or seven um trying to be the man in the house groups up is what 10 11 12 13 13 14 so right about high school yeah so i had a cousin we used to hang out with she's a girl very mature i think in the south we call it mannish i don't know if everybody says mannish but mannnish is like fast, like too mature. I'm as fast as a southern slant either, but fast means, oh, she's fast. Like she knows too much. She's too grown for her own good.

So I had a cousin. She was an adult. She knew too much too soon. And one day she, at my grandmother's house, she took me in the, my grandparents had two houses. two houses so like the main house where everybody would hang out at and lived in then it was a house that my cousins my uncles used to live in when they were growing up because they had so many fucking kids they had to put them in another shed or whatever so i don't know dude so my my grandfather converted the old house into storage for the fruits and vegetables my grandparents had a garden and then the other uh room had a pool table in it and that was big back then you had a fucking pool table in your house some sinatra shit and she took me in

the back one day and we were playing and the next thing you know she's like she just got on top of me and was like you know this is happening and i don't know what's happening but you're crushing my dick like she was crushing it like even though i don't think i got erections if i did it was brief but still it's a twig but she's fucking sitting on my body and i'm like i'm uncomfortable she starts to take her shirt off and i don't want to be graphic but she basically had her way with me and i was like man this is she had sex with you she didn't i didn't not sex but she did everything but okay it was no penetration but she did everything oral sex on you um she touched it a lot. And she's 13, 14. 13, 14. I'm six or seven years old.

And you want to be liked. Everybody. I don't give a fuck who you are. I don't give a fuck who you are. I'm looking into the camera. Everybody wants to be liked. Even the people that say, oh, you're fucking nobody like me. You want somebody to like the fact that you don't want to be like, don't fool yourself, bitch.

You want to be liked. So I want to be you don't want to be like don't fool yourself bitch you want to be like so i want to be liked i want to be cool i don't want to cause trouble i don't want to get anyone in trouble so i don't say anything and it happens a couple of times and i don't know if the word got out that you know i'm a fresh piece of ass to play with but cousins other female cousins like oh just females yeah yeah like it's weird and they started doing that too i had a second cousin she lived in new york she would come down every summer and that would be her play thing for the summer and was she the same age gap older older yeah she's about let's see 17 damn maybe and you're still six seven year old kid yeah holy shit so you gotta understand something right there

ryan i was introduced to intimacy by i got introduced to love and intimacy by making it seem like you're only important if somebody desires you sexually. You know what I mean? It's, well, I only like you or I'm into you if I want to fuck you. So that just stuck to my DNA until like last week probably. You know? Yeah, you said just a few years ago you went. Yeah. week probably you know yeah you said just a few years ago you went yeah like until like last week i was like oh everybody don't want to fuck me can all right that's cool i got it now like it's on

my refrigerator like to-do list don't think this less of you so it happened for you know probably up until like probably like i'd say about nine So about three years off and on. Three years off and on. By several people. By several. So it happened with my cousin, the first cousin who initiated it. Then her friend saw me. She's like, oh my God, he's such a little heartbreaker. And this bitch kissed me.

Not like kissed me on the cheek. This bitch put her fat tongue in my small mouth. And my dick just got hard. Like, what? Like, my dick was, like, arithmetic hard, dude. Like, what the fuck is going on? Like, I couldn't believe how. My dick was store hammer hard.

Like, I could have summoned that bitch and, like, come here. Boom. Hit you over the head. Kill you instantly. With my dick. That's fucking how hard it was at seven like you ever seen a commercial where somebody's sitting on the couch and they're like oh she does pot she's like all deflated yeah that's how i should have been because all the blood

left my body and was straight to my dick i should have just been a fucking deflated bag with a fucking dick just like looking like ultraraman standing up there ready to conquer the fucking world. So she she would do that to me. And then and she lived in the neighborhood, too. She lived there. My mom would go get her all the time because her mom was my cousin. They did it. everything comes from some place sure so like when everybody's talking about this this like i'm not trying to be controversial but this me too situation it's an environment that was created from something like guys aren't bad because no

one's born evil i don't want to believe except for damien and omen but outside of that no one's born i don't think no one's born fucking evil it's it comes from someplace it's a taught learn it's a taught thing just like with people they're like i don't like gay people it's like there's a it comes from the fact that they read this book and the book said don't like gay people you can't be mad when you're born and someone gives you a manual and now that manual is no good but you don't know how to unlearn what you know. So we're mad at the wrong everybody. The Me Too movement, the gay movement, transgender, everybody's mad at the wrong thing. You're mad at the people.

But these people are learned. It's engraved in them. It's like military. When guys get home from the military, my cousin came home from the military. They didn't deprogram before they sent him home. They said, all right, you know how long it is turn this off this motherfucker wants to go he fucking hide in the house he's fucking he's going through it so she now let me ask you a question if you don't mind go ahead never you never say anything to anybody about this and does anyone ever ask or

question or or suspect my mom had a conversation with me about sex in the first grade when my cousin overheard me talking to a girl about the fact that i wanted to have sex with her so your your mom heard that conversation she don't know where it's stemmed she don't know that this is coming from the fact that people have been playing doctor with me you already know what this is like yeah you want to do that now with this girl i'm trying to i'm like oh my cousin used to do this with me this girl's school i like i want to do it to her now you know i'm saying so i'm talking to her my conversation was so adult at seven i should have been put down like a rabbit dog like i was like what the fuck is wrong like when i think back to what i was talking about first of all i got these rib condoms they say that for your pleasure girl you're seven fucking years old i'm a bitch i'm

gonna blow your back out after we get done with this spelling bee that pussy up girl pussy is i got a bat i got a bat and that's some pussy and i'm about to beat that pussy with a bat that's actually a fucking song it is so i'm talking to dope my cousin overheard it and my mom was like what do you know about sex i was like ah what you talking about no no sex i was just talking i heard something on tv like because i got in trouble now move forward i got two cousins that's trying to fuck me on the regular so now i'm like well let me see if this other cousin wants to fuck me so i go to one of my cousins and i touch her the same way my cousins tell me to touch them right and my cousin like what are you doing i'm like whoa

whoa whoa whoa we fucking this family it's the worst part to laugh at but it's real you've seen it oh i'm laughing only because the logic does make sense it i mean it shouldn't it makes perfect it does unfortunately that logic makes total i get look i get it i get in trouble i get in trouble if i try to fuck somebody in school i'm supposed to keep this dick in house so let me keep the dick in the family fucking the peacock episode from the x-files oh my god so my cousin find out later she's gay so i blame the fact that she's gay on the fact that she didn't want me at seven that's how fucked up i am yeah she's gay now like she's dykeishly gay i don't know if that's a correct term but she doesn't give a fuck that i say it to her i don't give a fuck she's strong bitch you know what i mean so but she's gay now and i'm like ah she didn't want me to fuck her

because she was gay but bitch i'm seven she's like 13 14 and she's like why are you trying to fuck me i'm like ah you don't you don't know what's going on oh so do you tell her no i never because i'm i'm rejected now right i'm rejected so i don't like i'm not gonna go down i'm not gonna bark up that tree anymore so the years go by and then, you know, everybody stops trying to be intimate with me. But then I find... At what age? Nine. Okay.

Because by then they're getting older now and they're fucking guys. They should be fucking now. They're no longer like treating me like a bop it. Twist it. Right, yeah. Touch it. Yeah. Poke it.

Whatever. So I had other cousins my age and I would try to hit on them. And then i just got stopped and then i started you know liking girls in school i just didn't bring up sex conversations anymore because they got me in trouble red flag so over the years i'm trying to find love ryan i've been trying to find a wife since the first grade. God, well, I'm on the same hunt. Let me know how it works out for you.

Do you understand? Yes. Since the first grade, I've been trying to recreate the love my parents had. But here's the issue. I don't trust anything with a fucking vagina. Because I've been hurt by vagina you know what i mean i love the thing i don't trust the most you know what i mean so i get in relationships well you don't trust everything around the vagina yeah the vagina is great yeah the vagina is not

the vagina has never hurt me ever except one time i was like bitch why you didn't tell me that like but other than that vagina has never physically or emotionally hurt me the carrying cases once again have and i've just been dealing with that i've been dealing with and then so i started to write a book because I've been dealing with. And then so I started to write a book because Ta-Nehisi Coates wrote a book called The World Between Me. He wrote a book to his son about the black man in America and race and everything is long as dense. Great book. Dense as fuck.

But he wrote a book to his son explaining race in America. book to his son explaining race in america so i started writing a book to explain to my children your your father's not a bad person because i'm not with your mother even though your mother has painted me to be a piece of shit but your mother's painting me to be a piece of shit because i didn't do what she wanted me to do i was not the person she wanted me to be and here's why and here's why right because dad went through some shit when he was younger while mother while grand where grandmama and granddad were divorcing and splitting up i'm trying to recreate love that they had with women at my age when i shouldn't have i should have been enjoying fucking legos and g.i. joe man and seesaw and shit But I'm out here trying to find love because this world that I used to be safe in no longer exists.

So I need to go and recreate it ASAP. At the same time, I'm being molested. At the same time, I'm being ridiculed because I'm fucking a short, small guy. You know, I'm going through it. You know what I mean? Like, I'm a little guy in school i was a small fuck so can i ask you like ask me anything after nine when it slows down and stops how does it affect you at that age there do you what how were you when you actually

lost your virginity fucking i'm a real dude i'm the i'm a romantic like when i say romantic i am fucking candles music rose petals i'm writing songs lyrics poetry i i used to be in an r&b group what we used to sing all i want to do is anything had to do with love i wanted to do it but i had to be cool about it right because guys would be like the fuck is wrong with you bitch bitch? You out here trying to find love. I'll beat your ass. I'm going to kick you. I'm like, don't kick me. So you had to be behind closed doors. I'm this guy. But I also, I was

small in school, so girls didn't date me because they thought I could protect them. They dated me because I was funny. I don't think no woman ever dated me because I think if a fight broke out, he got us. No, bitch, I don't. no one was ever dating me because they like i think if a fight broke out he got us no bitch i don't i got the car go that way i'm gonna go that way meet me at big wings behind the building and we will go together oh my god but there's no need for both of us to die here today and i'm not gonna die for you because i don't trust you so so how does it affect you at

that age are you now trying to have sex with girls or when how were you when you actually lost your virginity that was a mutual uh agreement between you and someone you know one of my first sexual experiences the the worst ever. The worst ever. When I was in, I don't think I should tell that story. It's one of those stories where even though I didn't do anything, it's still one of those things where I could, no. So 15. 15.

And how old was the girl? 16. Okay. And this was one that you both wanted. We were in a relationship had you lost your virginity no you had not had sex with any of the cousins not actual intercourse just it was all never penetration just touching kissing like my cousin that lived in new york that had her way with me it was all i serviced her i see it was all like suck my titty

test this grab that fill test this, grab that, fill on this. Isn't that wet? I'm like, I don't know why that's wet. You should probably get that cleaned up. Like,

I didn't know how to, I didn't know how, I didn't know how vagina worked at seven. I was like, you should, it's leaking. You should get that looked at

because you have a leak. Let me get you in there. Yeah, you're going to fall. If that gets down your leg, you're going to slip and fall and kill yourself because it's wet.

So, 15, and it was a weird experience because you've watched all the porn you've watched cinemax you found your cousin's porn collection you looked at playboy and you're trying to mimic what you every guy made that mistake of trying to mimic what they've seen and i couldn't find it like we were laying in the bed i shouldn't have been fucking her here's how ocd i am this how petty i am this is how shitty of a person i am the girlfriend wanted to have sex with me we were at her house first and she's like let's not do it here because we started making out and ryan she was ashy and i was turned off by the fact that she was like when i say ashy like i could have like

taken my fingers and scratched her back and fucking smoke with lebron powder her back would turn in lebron like i'm ready babe i'm about to drop 35 on these motherfucking nicks tonight y'all should have signed me when you had a chance motherfucker now it's over like my hairline so she uh she had ashy her back was ashy her legs were ashy and i'm so and i'm so i'm so anal i'm so but you're not that's what i want to say you're more anal than you are horny at that age that you could not i needed things to be perfect yeah as she is i want like i didn't want to fuck i just wanted to moisturize lotion or down let's just let's skip sex let's just get this jergens out and let's get you moisturized because this is un- bitch you like a your back look like a

fucking desert right now fuck you been playing in flowers salt mine yeah this bitch i want to be like you clean chimneys on the weekend why is your back this fucking ashy did you fall in powder uh so she was like let's go to your house and i was like ah all right and we walked down the street because she lived down the street from me and we walked down the street and i couldn't fuck her at my house because my brother was home and my brother was not leaving the house i'm not leaving mama told me not to leave the house i'm trying to get pussy little motherfucker but i couldn't say that to him because he would tell my mom so my my friend lived next door to me said you can go to my house he's in high school so high school guy

he played football he like i know what it is can't get his pussy i'm gonna help you out it's a boys club guys help guys he let me fuck her at her house at his house but i still didn't fuck her because i had never had sex before i've seen it looked at it knew it dude we listened to Keith Sweat's second album, I'll Give All My Love To You. Great fucking album. That is a great album. Great album. I've seen them live in college. Tom should have me on their podcast just because I fucking love Keith Sweat's album.

Like, literally. Because Tom was like in the fucking, him and Big Daddy Kane have a great relationship. Yeah, they do. For some reason. I don't know why. him and big daddy can't have a great relationship for some reason i don't know why fyi i paid 21 dollars for big daddy kane's second album on tape yeah fucking 21 dollars for a tape that i don't have i can't tell you how mad i am about it i wish there was a way you could go back in time be like if i paid for that album at any point in my life,

I should be able to have that album. Stream it forever. Like it should have been a cloud in fucking 89. One and done. I'd be fine with that for my albums too. You pay for it once, you should be able to have it forever. You know how many tapes I got at my mom's house?

Melting in the sun. Just sitting out there fucking taping. I got folded up paper inside of it because the little piece in the middle, the whole piece in the middle of the whole piece of shit so um we made out to keep sweat album the music was downstairs had to run downstairs play the radio loud so he could move upstairs because he'd have a radio in his room and i couldn't find the pussy hole for nothing in the like when i thought the bitch was like a laser blowing ash on the wall trying

to blow the ashes out yeah using one of those fires dude i'm like moving it like i'm intimidated i'm intimidated i'm looking at it dude at one point i like climbed off of her and i just looked at it like okay it's right here i wanted to show my dick. Do you see? It's right there. Get in there, bitch. The time is now. Couldn't figure it out. Eventually.

Here's what made me mad. So that night you did not have sex with her. You know what made me mad? I said to her, can you just put it in? She was like, no. Bitch, we a team. Do you want this dick or not? Get this motherfucker in here. Come on. It's us.

It's us. We trying to, us trying to fuck. But she wouldn't do it. And then we didn't have sex. And she went home. And I broke up with her because I was embarrassed. I didn't break up with her because she didn't let me fuck her. Because she was going to let me.

I just could not look at her again to be like about yesterday i don't know i think your pussy's broken it's moving or something i don't know but i couldn't get in there you might want to get looked at and then we eventually had sex or whatever and then you know sex is addictive especially if you do it right oh yeah yeah it's a great place to go especially if we don't have any money so do you then become promiscuous are you do you sleep around in high school no i was faithful like i so you dated this girl yeah because we got we broke up we got back we broke up got back together at a mc hammer jodeci, Boys to Men concert. The worst lineup ever. Jodeci and

Boys to Men go together, but this Hammer shit that was at the end, I can't to this day, I still can't believe I paid to go fucking see Hammer because he was just an entertainer. And I'm mad that I let this motherfucker convince me that uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh was something to be a part of.

Fucking. I want a hundred dollars to kick MC Hammer every fucking I would pay a hundred dollars to kick MC the same people who fucking buy margarine midgets and fucking they love wrestling those are the four things I want to kick right now

MC Hammer everyday and we got back together and we dated all through high school that's who i dated all through high school and i'm not gonna put a business out there but she went through the same thing i went through i see and that's why i didn't want to break up with her but she was her situation with her stepdad okay and that made me say it's something not to sound narcissistic i don't know any other way to say other than how i'm going to say it and if this is just truthful anytime i meet a woman who has been hurt by another man i automatically just fucking dump everything I have into this person. You want to save them?

I want to save. I want to save every chick I've ever dated with that's ever had a problem with a man. That's my fucking problem because no one saved me when I was going through what I was going through. I have to save you. And then once I save you, I want to just fly away right my work here is my work is done let me find another telephone booth i gotta write some paper for the daily bugle i'm bruce wayne you know i said i gotta go fight somebody else and you can't do that but at the same time it's like i need something to do like i need somebody to save and that's been an issue

because if everything is harmonious i'm like it's too quiet it's too quiet bitch i'm right here things are too good right things are too good you're gonna leave i used to have a lot of i used to get a lot of relationships and women would break up with me because I would literally go from zero. Fuck zero. I'm already at 100. Once I tell you I like you, I'm already at 100. Like, I saw you. The conversation is good.

Why are we bullshitting? Go pick out a dress. I love you. I love you, bitch. Go get a dress tomorrow. We have math tomorrow. Bitch, stop putting math in between this love. We got this thing going on.

And I was scared women because I wanted to be just in love. You just full court pressed right away. I'm straight college. I love you quick a lot, too, back in the day. For just the abuse I had gone through and stuff, too. But I will stand by this today. I told girls in high school I loved them. And every time I go back and look at a picture of me in high school if you kissed me if you had sex if

you did anything i fucking love you kid i love you for that i'm gonna say her name her name you can say her first angela in the third grade she knew the power of her pussy in the third grade because we would sit at tables you know how you sit at tables you got a student here a student right here student right here we all learning this chick knew because she would this was all she had to do she would rub her leg up against my leg my dick would be hard again and i'm like what the fuck this bitch is just rubbing my leg and i'm aroused and she knew to do that to get your attention and i was like bitch i'm in love with you your leg fucked my leg yesterday during history fuck the shit out of my leg

yesterday my leg is two months pregnant right now that calf muscle is because there's a baby in it right so she used to get me all the time so when i would date i would talk heavy like i would talk adult talk when i would meet jace in junior high and high school i just wanted to be in love and then they were like god this dude is what the fuck is wrong how old are you you know what i mean because i would be just saying shit like yo if we work out like by the time we turn 18 we can get our own place she's like i ain't even had my period you worry about the wrong thing just focus on us getting to 18 and it's just too much but that's what i wanted and i would just fall in love fast but

the problem would be i would get into a relationship and if a woman did something that triggered me from my childhood i eject what are the triggers i don't know what it would and that's what i'm learning now okay that's what i'm that's what the therapy is going to help me so you if you felt a certain vibe or a way or or something was said or whatever you're like i'm out yeah like i can pinpoint one incident my son's mother i battled with depression for a long time like i didn't know what it was i just i used to think about it i still do now but i used to think about like killing myself maybe minimum three times a week jesus three times a week two weeks ago i only thought about it twice but that was a good week twice you still do oh god yeah you talk to your therapist about that too not yet i mean you

should probably bring that up first a lot of pussy i got look i got a lot of pussy problems i'm trying to you got actually pussy i got i got let me let me get it let me go with this pussy hump first no helping with the pussy if you're not here. You should leapfrog. Yeah, but the pussy is why I want to kill myself. God damn, I love pussy. Bitch! Goddamn, why does pussy... Why can't PlayStation be better than pussy? Goddamn it, Call of Duty!

So, I was suffering from depression. And then, you know, in the black community, I really hate to talk about race, but in the black community i really hate to talk about race but in the black community depression is attributed to you don't have a good relationship with god or you don't go to church enough have you opened up your bible bitch i'm not reading i read harry potter i get it magic is real okay but i'm not about to read this fucking bible i'm not about

to read it i'm just not going you're not going to pound me especially being from the south too that's a bible belt that's a big go-to yeah it's impossible to date a black woman in the south if you do not have a relationship with god but i'm going to give you all the pussy in the world if you love god first like i i had to lie like ah church is great i just want some pulpit pussy i don't give a fuck how i get it just give it to me pulpit pussy yes i'm deacon dicky down for the right for the right scripture i'll dick you down deacon dick him down um but my son's mother when i told her i was depressed and i was suffering from depression because i'm feeling like okay we're going to be in a relationship.

I should be able to come to you and tell you how I feel just the same way you're able to come to me and talk to me about how you feel, and we work through it. You're not depressed. You just need to go to church. And as soon as she said that, I ejected. Because I was like, I don't. like that makes sense that's a trigger for you yeah i don't feel safe with you now you know how hard it is for a man to say he's not safe around a woman one because the toxic masculinity of men shaming other men for not feeling you're a pussy you're a pussy for not being a bitch yeah i would

feel unsafe around certain women if you said certain things or you did certain things or you made me feel a certain way calling me ain't shit don't trigger me i welcome that that's great but to like tell me i'm not depressed and that I should just go to church, that's not how you fix it. So I ejected from the relationship. Like, when I say she said, as soon as she said, you need to go to church, she became, she started to look like Tracy Morgan to me. Like, I was not attracted to her at fucking all.

Just completely unattracted. I i was like you look like tracy morgan now you like you like fucking tracy morgan and phazon love had a fucking baby it's tracy love now tracy love that's who that's what i'm looking at right now and i didn't know how to the problem is the biggest problem the biggest problem i've ever had in my entire life when it well not the biggest but one of the biggest problems i don't know how to break up with a woman i do not if we're in a relationship i'm just in it until you just figure out that you don't want to be here anymore i don't you've never broken up with a woman i cannot but you've only been broken up with i think i've only broken up with a woman before? I cannot. You've only been broken up with? I think I've only broken up with maybe, maybe.

And when I say have a conversation about it, maybe twice in 43 years. All right, so when you say you pull the plug or you bail, what you mean is, and I'm asking, is that you stay in a relationship, you just completely withdraw physically, emotionally, mentally. I'm not doing that. Until you say or she says i'm out of this so so let me tell you something real quick i wrote a tv show the show is about a guy who was in relationships and then kept failing so he wrote a book on how to love androidly. And I'm thinking I'm making up a word when I say androidly. But when I say androidly, I mean you love basically like you just do what is expected of you in a relationship to get what you need to get in that person to get what they need.

So you feel like you're not in a relationship. You know what I mean? I do. You do the thing. You're like, I wake up. I call you. I text you. I love you not in a relationship you know what i mean like i do you do the thing you're like i wake up i call you i text you i love you i care for you but my heart is not in it because i'm trying to protect this shit you know what i mean so that's how i started that's how i would be in a relationship like there's no emotion anymore there's no i have no passion but i'm still here and eventually you recognize that the passion is no longer there and then you eject you're like i can't do this anymore

and then i gotta try to pretend like i care like no don't don't leave me but i kind of like yeah please hurry up like let's go right you know what i mean and you're relieved that she's doing i'm you know what's crazy here's here's where the the sociopath aspect of it is and i'm not a sociopath i'm just saying that because i don't know the fucking word to say what it is i'm going to say someone's going to try to break up with me and then i'll be like oh no i don't want to let me fix it now i got something to do i see i got something to say i project i got a project now like i set the house on fire now now i got to go inside and rescue people as long as there's a fire going and something needs to be saved i'm good but as soon as she like said

i'm leaving i'm like no no no no don't leave and then i said you go back save i and i gotta get out of it yeah and i got and i don't know i i i'm figuring it out now i had a friend tell me and this was this might have been last year or the year before it was very recent um and i'm the same way and she said yeah ymh right there your mom's amazing tom is doing good you know what this is this is what money looks like like this is this is what life looks like when things are going your way yeah you know what i mean i don't have a glass with my name on it. I got a tattoo, but I don't have a glass with my name on it. She said to me, some people just don't want to be saved.

I was like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Not everybody. Just because you think they do or just because you want to do that doesn't mean everybody wants that. I don't know. I say that a lot. Sometimes it's the simplest fucking thing, and i've never put that sentence together or a lot of times you're just you're staring at this thing and you're looking all around and everything and somebody's like

yeah look at it look at it you'll figure it out my love one of my love languages is words of affirmation i don't know if people believe in love language no words affirmation languages of love i don't need you to touch me i just need you to tell me that you appreciate what i'm doing and i'm golden i'm golden i'd rather take a compliment over pussy sometimes i'd be like you did great today or i appreciate what you're doing good as long as you recognize my philanthropy in this relationship i'm happy yeah because that's what i feel like it is so how did after your your first child's uh mom my daughter's mom your daughter's mom how did then that carry over and what happened in that second relationship my daughter's mother man is such a

fucked up because right now my daughter hasn't talked to me since August of last year. She will not talk to me. She's mad at me because I'm... She's 20, so she'll be 21 this year, which means she'll never fucking talk to me again. You had kids young, huh? I had kids early because my pull-out game was not strong. I know how to pull out efficiently now to make sure that... Efficiently. Yeah, I'm an efficient puller-outer.

If pulling out was an Olympic sport, I'm getting that gold, bitch. I'm are you doing i was never there like batman ninja smoke um my my daughter's mother my daughter is not talking to me right now because i told her i'm gonna write a book but she doesn't know i was molested like she don't know none of that part about it she don't know anything about that and i don't know how to tell her so i did the tanahisi thing and i just like i'm gonna write this book and i'm gonna tell these stories about these relationships that i've had with women and where i went wrong what i did and i wanted to know where it all originated from and that now i'm going to therapy to get help and i'm not great by the way i'm not doing it for them i'm doing it for me you need to yeah for me

so i didn't go to therapy like i said before i didn't go to therapy because you know black people don't go to therapy like black people don't go to therapy just like black people that have mental issues they just put them in the back bedroom they're like he's just crazy there's nobody's crazy motherfucking need help so i never went to therapy and i started going with my ex but now i'm going by myself now because even though i know what's wrong with me now like after i have fucked up so much in relationships every time i fuck up i learn a little more about myself if you're supposed to you are hopefully i'm learning so much about myself that i i've identified what the problem is so i used to date multiple women or have relationships with multiple women at more than one time not because i didn't look the fucked up part is i didn't look at it as

cheating i looked at it like oh you would actually be in a relationship, not just dating? Dating, fucking, you know, I've had women who didn't want anything from me sexually, but just wanted to help me, and I've had relationships with women like that. But I would have those relationships because I was trying, I didn't trust one woman. You know what I mean? Like, I can't trust one woman to have my back because i've been told so many times before i got you no matter what we go through blah blah blah then with the molestation part i don't trust that aspect and then me being vulnerable i don't trust that you can uh accept me being vulnerable with you so i had multiple people in my life like frankenstein like everybody did something different right you know

but i didn't want to get rid of anybody because if i'm in a relationship with one person and that person leaves me i'm by myself again right you know what i mean i i don't like being around people but i don't want to be alone i don't know how that even makes sense you're such a that's a spot but i mean i'm sitting here listening to everything you're saying and also applying it through my filter too and i feel the same way sometimes i don't like to be alone either but but when everybody's gone and you still need to save somebody there's still you to save oh i haven't saved myself that's it me either i have

not fully saved myself yet and i don't know i'm so worried about everybody else but again that's what they tell you all the time there is no them without you this is gonna sound dark as fuck i feel like it's been real light so far. This has been great! And then we're going to take a trip to the Museum of Tolerance as soon as we leave here to lighten the mood. I have fucking killed the honey

in the dew. There's no more dew. There's just honey, you need to go. I feel like if I figure myself out, I will die. Like there's no more puzzle. There's no more things to fix. I don't think.

I understand that logic. You get that? I get it. I feel like everybody has a purpose. I think once you figure out, you're either going to figure yourself out or the clock is going to run out. So it's one or two and i'm trying to juggle between living long enough and stretching out the figuring out part until i'm comfortable with saying i could die now you know what i mean yeah like i i i'm 89 i'm good i've seen enough they've rebooted the marvel universe six times since i've

been alive i'm get it i've seen six different thanos it's terrible the last thing was gay i don't know how that even happened but he had like a pink gauntlet it's weird but that's where i am right now i feel like if i figure myself out i'll die because there's nothing else for me to do i still want to find love i love women i do like i love the thing i can't trust the most that's hurt you the most oh my god yeah and i i i want to apologize to every woman that i've hurt like me i didn't mean to yes but the women who hurt me first and i hurt them back nah bitch you gotta eat that one every woman that hurt me first and then i hurt you back you gotta eat that whole dick by yourself with cake and icing on it i'm gonna shove it in your face like i turned to be an anime bullet that's what i'm saying so i feel like if i figure me out

i'll die and then i won't have anything else to do. I feel like I got to clean up my house. I mean, my life before I got, I'm OCD. So I want to clean my house. I'm, I'm the type of person that cleans the hotel up. So I don't want the housekeeping to think I was a nasty piece of shit.

I'm with you. Do I take off the sheets, the pillow, everything you do, put it. I'm fucking Ryan. I'm fucked up. Dude, it's not a joke i'm fucked all the way up because i worry i want to not give a fuck about what people think but there's things about me that make me say i want people to not give a

fuck about what i think but i don't want them to think i'm a nasty ass at the same time so let me clean up first i literally take the sheets off, the bed, the pillowcases, I put it all in a nice pile, the towels I put in the floor. I do that. I put the towels on the floor in a pile. I clean everything up. And all you gotta do is just change the sheets

or whatever. I used to make the bed before I left. Like clean it, like make it tight the way they would do it. But now I just take it out. They're not gonna use the same sheets and if they do this is a nasty fucking hotel i won't be back no i won't be back so i take the sheets off i fold it up i put everything up i i take all the trash out the bags i tie it up put it inside because i know i'm not it's not racist you fucks i'm saying it before i say it because i know somebody like he's racist it's fucking immigrants it's people of latin descent come here working shitty jobs.

I don't want them to have to fucking have to work extra hard for fucking $4.25. So I go an extra mile. I don't know Maria, but fuck it, Maria. You need some help. I thought out. All right. I have questions to ask me. So you're in therapy.

Mm hmm. All right, I have questions to ask. Ask me. So you're in therapy, but if you're worried about solving the problem and then there's no, once the Rubik's Cube is done. I'm going to say the masochist also. I create problems for myself. So even if you heal yourself, you're going to go create something else. Well, I'll probably try to find, because once I deal with the whole molesting part and what triggers me, I still have to get over the fact that I can't try to create the environment my parents had. No.

I can't. I got to get over the fact that my dad wasn't there, which I still haven't gotten over that. So I'm writing a book but as i start to write the book ryan i start to see that there's multiple yeah you're reliving everything in this so i can write a whole book about my father and how much i loved him and how much he was an influence on me and then what happened to me after he left and that i'm still changing i do a joke about the fact that I play. Ryan, I hate sports. I like to just sit and watch it. It's dumb.

I'm going to sit on my couch all day and watch an athletic motherfucker do something as I become fucking less and less athletic. I don't want to be some fat piece of shit on my calendar. That guy sure run at 40 in like 22 seconds. Woo! I remember back in the day before I could see my feet, you know, I could run.

But I don't like sports. But I liked it because that's what men are supposed to like. Do I like to play sports fuck yeah play football play basketball baseball ran track swimming gymnastics I did it all I was fucking Deion Sanders when I was younger I played football because I thought if I

played football my dad would come back home my dad be like oh my son's playing football gotta go back home for that move back like, oh, my son's playing football. Ah, got to go back home for that. Move back in, get my shit. My son's playing football. Played football. Dude, I played football in the seventh, in the sixth grade.

I went to middle school, so it was sixth, seventh, eighth grade, and then ninth to tenth. Yeah, that's me. Played football in sixth grade. Ryan, I was about the size of the glass. In the sixth grade great I was 70 pounds the ball was bigger than me but I wanted to be kickoff return

because suicide was on my mind I had to be the fuck why would that be the size of the ball and want to run back full speed for everybody like oh god damn here comes dinner I'm gonna kill this motherfucker dad never came to a football game he came to one my dad came to one football game

one football game because my dad is a worker he don't take days off my dad if my dad died today he would still try to figure out tomorrow yes your mom too yes do they know about this now no i just told my mom i was molested last year. And how did she take it? I told her as she was driving me to the airport, which I robbed her of the opportunity to even react. Yeah. She's dropping you off.

My mom's like, Sue, did you enjoy yourself? I did, but I also want to let you know that about five cousins tried to fuck me when I was five. All right, been great. Bye. I'll call you when I get back. You just dropped it on her like that? When I say Hiroshima,

dropped the bomb on her. That's her family. It was like, clean it up. She was mad. She was upset. And I told her why she was driving. She could have fucking killed us both. Just from the shock of it.

I'm her oldest. I'm the oldest. I'm the prototype. I'm the favorite favorite i know i shouldn't say that but i am i fucking am i'm sorry dude i'm telling with it uh and i love my siblings but my uh i told my mom as i was leaving to go to the airport and um she was upset and she started she started to cry yeah and then i had to be like don't worry about it i had to be i had i don't you can edit it you can fix it i don't know how to fix it but i'm gonna be honest and vulnerable i don't give a fuck how anybody feels about it i wouldn't allow her to be sad and i tried to be tough when i probably should have let her do her mom thing by consoling me and telling me i'm sorry because she was mad that it happened on her watch she was disappointed as a parent you

would think i couldn't protect my kid and how did i not know and i didn't let her i didn't let her because i was trying to be a man i was like i ain't no faggot i'm gonna fight this no i ain't gonna be punk or whatever and i'm not saying it in a derogatory way that's i'm from the 70s and 80s that's what that's how we talk so. So I didn't let her be a mom. And I tried to still be tough. When a part of my healing would have probably felt better had I just let my mom hug me and say, I'm sorry that happened to you. I didn't know. But I didn't.

Because I'm still trying to be tough. I get back on the plane. come back to la and i basically tell her look i know i didn't give you opportunity to talk about it and one one of the cousins is dead so it's not even it's i can't even address that person i will tell you this that's my next question is if you talk to these cousins. Well, it was five women total. Two were cousins. Three were friends of cousins. Right.

All older women develop. I'm from the South, dude. I, my, my, one of my writing, my writing partner,

one of my best friends, Eddie Greer, comedian. I know it. It's like's like dude you like fat chicks he loved to tell me that i love fat chicks i don't because i don't have insurance but i know that i have said something wrong when I say it and then my body sends a nerve ending that says, ah, goddamn, bitch, what are you doing? I don't mean that in a derogatory way. But I like thick women because I'm from the South.

I like it. Because you're from the South, you think part of that was... It's Southern living. I grew up around... But also these women at early on, you were young, they were developed were developed so they were completely different i don't know what little titties look like that's what i'm saying like when i was growing up i was like when i would meet a girl my age i was like man have you seen my cousin this bitch titties is off the chain you need to go talk to her because them are not titties those are ant bites and you need to get someone to look at that that's

so i like thick women i like thick thick women one because that's the first that's the first piece of meat i'm sorry i mean spit as the first piece of meat i ate and then i'm just from the south uh it's hard you know because i want to be in a relationship it's also hard because we're entertainment business and when you know you're up and coming comic and you're just a feature and you're making 50 a show and they got you staying in a comedy condo and basically the money you're going to make for the week breaks even for the ticket that you paid to get to the fucking destination and you had to try to sell your bootleg cd with a picture that you drew with crayon on it and a cd that you bought just blank from best buyers say hey it's my new comedy cd please buy it's five dollars because you're trying to buy food or pay for your luggage to make it back to LA with you.

If a girl comes up to you at the show, like, Oh my God, you were funny. Here's some pussy. Like, man, I thought I was going to leave this bitch empty handed this week.

So glad you offered this consolation prize, a cup of pussy. And I lived off of that as feeling like gratitude. You know, but it, it, it blurs the. Right. You know, but it, it, it blurs the line of like, Oh,

she's, she's having sex with me because she finds value in me. I like that. It's like a woman, a woman, a ugly chick that puts makeup on and guys are hitting on her. Now she likes that. She wants that attention.

And that's how I was. I was, I didn't have money. Nobody has money. We don't have was i didn't have money nobody has money we don't have we don't have money we don't you don't have a show on the air right your bank account is okay where you like you look at it like i'm good you know but you don't look at you don't you don't get to the point where you like your receipt comes out you're like i don't need to look at that because life is just great it It's not. So that's where I was.

And where are you now with therapy? Are you going every week? I don't go every week, but I do go. I go when I'm having a tough time. One, because I don't have insurance. Comics don't have insurance, bitches. No comic has fucking. Stop fucking pretending that you're healthy you're dying because you're over 40 and no one has stuck their finger in your ass to see if you have prostate

cancer any one of us any day it's going to be ball game and you better hope you have a good enough relationship with the comedy community so they can do a bullshit ass fundraiser for you at the laugh factor or the comedy union or the comedy store and you gotta hope that the comic that comes to your rescue has a good enough following to draw people because if you don't know a famous comment like i'll come do a show for that person you're gonna die owing money well here's this good news for you you don't need your prostate check till 50 i thought it was 40. I did. Dude, I'm paranoid as fuck right now.

I went to my doctor. I was like, you don't have to stick a finger up my ass and check me today. And he just looked at me and goes, do you want me to? I was like, nah, bro. Ever. None of you don't have to. Ryan. Yeah, they moved that to 50.

Somebody told me a couple of months ago that you don't have to have your asshole checked until 50. I thought that was late. Dude. I thought that was late. Dude. I think that's late. I've been walking around. What's the engineer name? Nadav. Nadav?

Our producer, yeah. Nadav. And Josh. Let me ask you this. Would I get in trouble if I say I feel like I'm Jewish sometimes because I'm neurotic? Okay, here we go. You got Jewish permission coming out of the fucking booth jewish permission come on come in so no one's like fucking anti-semite you fucking cunt

no bitch i got truth from the booth um i'm walking around like a uh old jewish man thinking i'm going to die because i don't have insurance. And every time I feel a sharp pain in my ass, I'm like, that's prostate cancer. I'm fucking walking around every day. And it ain't even a fucking sharp pain. I just need this shit. And you want to know if you have prostate cancer? Every time I got a shit,

I'm like, it must be prostate cancer. Every day. I've never fucking had a shit this much. My prostate is going to fall out my fucking ass. And I got a whole Jamin Masada like, buddy, you can do fundraiser

for Maranzio at the club. We take half the money, though. Because we can't run the club without money. Can't do it at the

fucking comedy union because black people not donating money because i'm not famous like i ain't donating no motherfucking black comic i ain't no fuck out of here suck my dick well i'm really glad you came on dude this is hard for me dude when i say hard because i had a dream i was like when i came forth and I was like, I'm going to talk about it because I'm not being mean when I say this. Nobody on this planet gives a fuck about a man's feelings unless that man is doing something for the person who is giving a fuck about him at the time. You know what I mean? Unconditional love for animals.

Like Chris Rock said, unconditional love for children, women, and animals. Men's love is conditional as fuck. Fuck you. That's what it is. If I'm doing what's under the label of what a man is supposed to do, you love me. At any point in time,

I'm not doing what a man theoretically is supposed to do i look i love and hate millennials because they're free dumb thinkers great ideas terrible fucking execution because they're trying to remove labels which is what we should do if a man doesn't do what a man is supposed to do you're not a man to who bitch all you need to do is be a man to you and your kids that is if i wake up every morning and i don't want to take care of you bitch i don't want to take care of another human being i can't take care of myself obviously when i think every time i got a shit i think my asshole's about to fall out what makes you think i can keep you alive hoe why do you think why would you want me in your life to take care of you when I think everything happens to me is cancer, bitch?

Why do you want me in your life? My dick ain't that good. Not at 43. It's not. 35, your dick? Amazing. But 43, your dick? It does the job.

My dick is Brett Farnall. I'm serviceable. Serviceable. does the job i'm brett my dick is brett farnell i'm just i'm serviceable serviceable i'm not playing the whole game but i'm gonna give us a lead and you better hold on to it that's how i fuck now i fuck to make a lead and then you hang on you better hunt you better hold on to that fucking lead bitch because that's all i got so it's been a I know I know this wasn't easy for you. I know that's part of what we do is we laugh at that darkness because it helps with the pain. But I am proud of you.

I'm proud of you for going and taking care of yourself. You won't be. When I say miserable, every day. You won't be. Miserable. You keep working on that for real. I'm not going to give up. That book is going to help. All that's

therapy this is therapy stand-ups therapy the book's therapy therapy's therapy did i let you talk a little bit right yeah well i was asking questions i know but i talked a fucking lot you're the guest on the podcast i know but guys damn it was like i just it's like a relationship you did great talk you did great i'm glad you were here and i'm glad you opened up thank you it took a while to get here it did i like you though i like you too we didn't get to talk to each other about shit we will after the fucking podcast uh before we wrap up this podcast plug whatever you want again your website your book your podcast whatever you want please let everybody know so look i'm working on the book the book is the book is kind of like metal this is is uh art imitating life because i started to write articles i wake up every morning at seven o'clock and i write from seven to ten every morning

turn the music on drink some ginger tea coffee let me uh ginger tea and i i just type all morning long i write jokes. I love comic books. So I either read a comic book. I'm reading Trevor Noah's book. I'm reading Ta-Nehisi Coates' book again. I'm reading, I'm a huge David Sedaris fan. Like I'm a huge fucking David Sedaris fan.

So I'm reading Holidays on Ice and Me Talk Pretty. And I'm reading a whole bunch of Jamesames ballen books right now i'm just reading like i've become this reader because i'm writing more and trevor benoit's book is is great davis adair's is great um i'm reading david lynch's book um catch a big fish which uh jesus treyo and she told me about so i'm just reading a whole bunch but i wake up every morning i write the book is going to be called dignity that's the that's the title i'm working with dignity d-i-c-k n-i-t-y which is also the name of the show that i had created and i went out to pitch it and when i pitched the show ryan it was just kind of at the bad time because it was around the me too movement that just came about but i was trying to do a show

about a man trying to be vulnerable about his feelings and then not being appreciated or accepted because it's not i mean men don't have feelings we're not supposed to and what blows me away when i go to therapy especially a different therapist and they'll tell me like you're rare you're a man that comes into therapy and i was like oh really and i still didn't you know like that bullshit still exists the whole stigma yeah like i'm strong i got this all that we don't got it yeah we don't have shit so i podcast is called killer time the book is called dignity the tv show hopefully will be called dignity or everybody but me um i perform at the lab factory in hollywood a lot coming in magic club like i said once i find a new new agent us both find a better agent that will fight for an increase

you see me bitch uh i'm just saying what's Fuck. Hey, they want to offer you $1,500. I just talked to him. He said $2,000. Oh, you crazy. You crazy. He not giving $2,000. Just ask him. I don't want to do it.

Fuck out of here. Which is the conversation every week. Website is IamMaranziaVans because somebody didn't think to fucking get fucking I am Maranzia Vance because Maranzia Vance is taken. That's the website. I'm on Facebook. I'm not good on social media because I don't want you

to like me because I'm asking you to like me. Just fucking like me, bitch. I'm a regular human being. Don't make me fucking dance. Don't make me fucking post me, bitch. I'm a regular human being. Don't make me fucking dance. Don't make me fucking post stupid-ass memes. Don't make me fucking post stupid-ass videos. Don't make me have to walk into a Starbucks and do commentary for you to fucking like me.

I'm a regular, just a dope human being. Okay, bitch? There it is. I don't know how to say it any better than that. Well, thank you for being here. Thank you for the honeydew. Why don't you have honeydew? What, to actually eat?

Bitch, I'm from the south. Son, if you ain't had a piece of honeydew right now, I probably wouldn't have talked to you the whole time. That's why I don't have it. What? Lipsmacking and sucking that shit out of the market. Goddamn this honeydew. Well, thank you, man.

As always, I am Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com. We'll talk to you all next week.