The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Matt Braunger

Episode Date: April 29, 2019

Dewers! My #HoneyDew this week is Matt Braunger! You ever date your manager, break up with them but still work with them, go to their wedding, be a friend through their divorce, start dating them again, break up with them again, get back together with them again then marry them? No?? What the hell kind of romantic are you?! Matt Braunger tells us all about it. Video goes up on toozdee! Subscribe, download & review! https://TheHoneyDewPodcast.com

You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. I'm Ryan Sickler. We're over here at Studio Jeans, doing it up at your mom's house. You can find me on all social media at Ryan Sickler. RyanSickler.com is my website. Dave Anthony told me I'm not allowed to say that my website, or excuse me, my album is new anymore. So make sure you go get the album, old albums, the newer album. Probably I can fucking say that. Make sure you pick that up. iTunes, Spotify, create a Ryan Sickler channel. All that stuff helps. Come see me live for some live dates.

May 16th through the 18th, I'll be up in Edmonton. June shows the 13th through the 15th with Tom Segura in Richmond, Maryland and Atlantic City. The 27th through the 30th with Tommy Buns in Tulsa, Wichita and Kansas City. And August 1st through the 3rd, I'm at with Tommy Buns in Tulsa, Wichita and Kansas city and August 1st through the third. I'm at the house of comedy in Minnesota. And every week,

as I say all the time, thank you so much for all the support, your emails, your messages, everything. It just, it means the world to me. And if you're out there listening and trying to share,

make sure you subscribe, make sure you download that all helps. It's a big deal. Merch is out there. I see a lot of you getting your merch, rocking your shirts. Um, go to the honeydewpodcast.com, pick up your shirts, stickers, whatever your hoodies are over there too. Um, you can email me, email is honeydewpodcast at gmail.com. Uh, follow the show on social media, Facebook, the Honeydew Podcast, Twitter at HoneydewPod. And make sure you look for the Honeydew on your mom's house YouTube channel. Get over and subscribe to that channel. And for you Crab Feast fans, the episodes are coming back. They're all getting loaded up. It just takes a while. It's a weird, you know, you know how technology works. It's shit. So it's coming. It'll be free. It'll be everywhere. We'll make sure it's posted so you

can find it wherever you follow the crab feast. And then what you have to do is just subscribe and download, and then you'll get all those episodes isolated just for you. And if you're new to this show here, what we're doing over here is finding a little bit of light in the darkness laughing at those not so fun times and uh it's a pleasure to bring on this guest for the first time here on the honeydew ladies and gentlemen please welcome matt bronger thanks everyone please stop please thank you thank you thank you no sorry i'll do it for you uh thank you for being here thanks for having me yeah we've been trying to get this going for a little bit yeah yeah and i'm glad you could make it work out and um you know i told you what the show was all about yes came prepared which i love yeah uh but before we get into that would you please feel free to promote plug anything you'd like oh yeah all of it album

specials okay uh well if anyone wants to see me on tour uh mattbronger.com that m- M-A-T-T-B-R-A-U-N-G-E-R. My new special is out. It's called Finally Live in Portland. We shot it in a former porn theater in Portland, Oregon, my hometown, the Paris. It's much cleaner now. And I have my podcast, which you have to come on. I'd love to. Which is called Advice from a Dipshit with Matt Bronger.

I'm nowhere. We listen to. I'm nowhere. We listen to... I'm perfect. What's that? I'm perfect. No, I think you are, honestly. I created the podcast for you. Haven't been on yet, though.

Keep it looking. No, no. It's based on my life's mistakes, and people just call in. Like, it's not Dr. Drew. I'm not any kind of qualified expert, except in the terms of maybe screwing up or being a dummy so you know people call and leave messages i never hear them until we record and so you might get them fresh we get them fresh uh my my partner slash producer amanda on the show she um she she uh culls them

and uh cherry picks the one so like when you come on she's gonna do a ton of research on you and she goes through the archives of calls we've gotten. And she'll be like, oh, this is great for Ryan. This is great for Ryan. This is great for Ryan. So it's fun.

Hell yeah. You know? Yeah. So anyway, that's it. Great. Well, what we do here,

Matt Bronger is we talk about some of the not so great times. We laugh at the face of that. And we laugh. Go ahead and cut that. We laugh in the face of that and of it and we laugh go ahead and cut that uh we laugh in the face of adversity yeah uh and you told me you had a story and i'm dying to hear uh this story uh because well i won't say anything i'm not gonna ruin anything i'm gonna let you do it all well i think it's it's start the the focus of it is the middle and the to middle to almost the end of 2014, but it starts way before that. My now wife was my manager.

Back in about 2007, she quote-unquote discovered me. She saw me at shows, and I'd had one manager before that, but this person basically got me with a commercial agent and then just kind of just sat back and waited for checks to come in as I'd book stuff. And I'd be like, why aren't I going in for this or that? It was one of those things where I was so green that her number would say a number unknown and I would pick up and she'd be like, Hey, it's Lisa. And I'm like, why does your, why does it say that? Why do you block your own call? And she's like, well, some people recognize my number and they won't pick up. I'm like,'s a great sign yeah so like you know and like she said that to me but she also i don't

think i don't think she she just one of those people she would just hip pocket everybody for those of you listening uh that is when you as a manager an agent you sign someone and you literally do nothing you keep them in your hip pocket and if they get something you take a cut otherwise you're not steel you're not working for steal. You steal. You're not working for anyone. Hip pocketing and stealing. You're stealing. And so I was kind of gun shy about having a manager for like two years after that. And I'd been in. I moved to LA around 2003. And then 2007, I'm doing a show at a record store.

And she's there. And we're talking. And she's like, do you want to get a drink? Can I just tell you what my company is about that I work for? And she's one of those people who I found out started out working the door at a comedy club in boston where she's from and uh basically was like i don't want to perform but i want to be in comedy like i want to be a part of this world and um you know as of now like she reps incredible names really big people and and uh and used to used to rep me you we're getting there uh so so

to throw myself in there it's like i swear to god though if i listed these names people be like yeah yeah yeah and matt bronger who the who the fuck is that who is that uh you know to you to your man on the street but uh we started working together and i went to Just for Last, Montreal, New Faces and stuff. This is 2007, 8. And we had a great working relationship. But it was like this was someone I would go and drink with too and hang with. And I was not being honest with myself about where this thing was going. And one night I was on the road and she was there for business and stuff and we hooked up.

And so it was like, wait, what the hell just happened? And we're like, that can never happen again. Now, when you say you weren't being honest with yourself where it was going, were you talking about just yourself or did you absolutely pick up on her vibes? I was willfully naive, I will say. I feel like a lot of guys do that where they not only keep all their options open, they go, this doesn't mean anything. But then they keep sleeping with that same person. They're like, we have an arrangement kind of thing. And with at least with the first time, I didn't think I was like, we were both drunk. What the fuck? Let's just forget about this. We had a long conversation on the phone. We like each other. But, you know, she was with somebody. And so it was just like was just like right no this can't happen anymore kind of thing and so we just kept going out together and not even for work stuff just i liked being around her as much as i like being around any friend in fact kind of more but i wasn't honest with myself about my feelings and uh i went to uh we we had a we just stopped

stop stop stop cold and got in some fights and stuff, but kept the business thing going. You did? We did. So personal ends, but business continues. It does. And she gets married. Wait, wait. Yeah.

All slow up here. Because first of all, that's got to be hard to do. That transition alone has to be hard to go from right working to co-workers to relationship to right back to co-work absolutely and i was also this was back at a point where i've always been kind of a big drinker i've scaled in the last you know a couple years that back way back i had a end of last year i kind of realized okay i'm still kind of hitting it a little hard and since then i've just been kind of a lot more focused on what's more important and also i'm old and it's just like it's it doesn't take a lot to kind of make me feel like death the next day it bangs you

up yeah it's the natural progression you know like lions in the serengeti when they slow down it's because they're like you know the drunk lions come to hi the hyenas. Gosh, shit. Them again? They're always out working me. Taking my job. All right. So you're back to coworkers. Yeah. And how long from that point to her marriage? I forget.

I would say it'd be the better part of like a year or something. That's weird. Well, she was with this person while we were occasionally hooking up. You understand? And so I was invited to the wedding. And it's one of those things look back and i'm like i shouldn't have gone yeah you really shouldn't have gone you ever been that guy no i've not i have that guy just sitting there like i have not been invited

to my ex's wedding no so uh um do you still do you still have feelings uh i didn't i didn't think so okay but it's it's one of those things where people i feel like as much as women are far more in touch with their feelings way more men aren't i think because we choose not to be i think we are where we you know it's like i know i'm i'm like i don't want to watch that movies can make me sad and like you know women in my life been like that but that's good that's a good it's a feeling you know you gotta let that out and we're we're the fucking pussies that are just like i don't want to i don't want to be sad so i was just not i wasn't there was no part of me at that wedding that i was just like wait no what am i doing i was just like good we got to put an end to this this will end this invite and you're thinking this is the net this is it this

will this will make everything absolutely it's over i final now i can get on we can get on just be business uh associates i can just uh keep hooking up with whoever the hell i want it i want to which is what i was doing back then you know uh i i say in my act now like uh at that point not to use a biblical expression but i um would chase pussy like it stole my wallet yeah that's you know i think it's in the book of paul yeah i think that's new test yeah new definitely new testament jesus was pretty chill uh but i i i uh i just was like i i do know though it's like one thing i've learned in my life is your thoughts are not your actions. You think one thing's happening.

What you have to go by is the tail of the tape. So I say I didn't have feelings, but I got hammered at that wedding. So hammered that my friend. Did you take a date? No, no. I got so hammered that my friend Pam drove me home and I forgot where I lived. You ever been that drunk? Yes, I have. Take a left, right. right that's not you have to say one direction right yeah i don't know take a soft hard left right i'm dropping you off right here so uh and then you know i uh things

were pretty icy between us and then you know months down the line we see because she was upset that you got wasted at the wedding no just just just because you know married now she's married now you know i remember seeing her and being like how was the honeymoon like i'm not going to talk to you about that like good question right that was a dumb question so uh months after that we she just divorces him because she realizes months yeah well. Yeah. Well, cause she was with him a long, long time. And it's that thing that a lot of us do. We're in a long-term relationship and rather than go, do I want to be married? They go, I guess let's get married.

Right. I should. I don't want to be alone anymore. This person is fine, but she didn't love him. And she was just like, I've gone through so much in my life. I don't care if I'm divorced, which i think anyone who's in a bad relationship should do there was no nothing between me and her that we were like oh you got to get divorced you know it's just like she's just like i'm just gonna divorce them and stuff and i was like

i then i was like i think that's probably a good idea so she does start confiding in you a little bit about we still we still stayed friendly we you kind of have to when you have a working relationship like we did. We were still buddies. And she divorced him. And then me and a bunch of other of her friends helped her move into this one-bedroom apartment. And after a couple months, we found ourselves falling back into the old habits. And we carried on a completely secret affair that everyone in our lives knew about so like basically like nobody knows everyone's like

everyone knows i remember canane was just like dude are you fucking your manager you know and i'm just like what no like people you can't to, I would lie to because I thought it was the right thing to do for her. Right. I'm just like, how? And just like the worst poker face. Whatever do you gentlemen mean? I've never, you know. And I was like, yeah, all right, dude.

Like I remember having in like 2009, I had a bunch of people over to watch my half hour, my comedy sister half hour which um like uh just you know we i had this little apartment that like i would have friends over and it was great because we like i'd pay per view like order a fight and it would just be packed where you can't even see right yeah you know and so we did that and everyone's like yeah that was great and they're like let's hit a bar and i'm like i'm gonna stay home and they're like okay and everyone left but her and they're probably all outside like oh and they went home and then next time i saw like uh demors brown he's like i mean are you dating your manager and again no she just spends the night yeah we just hang out no we just talked a long time long after you guys drove home and yeah so and then and it was it was it was contentious for me because i was just like

it it was always uncomfortable dating like even when and we got to a certain point we're just like we like broke up but then i was at sketch fest and she came to sketch fest and we just it was like nothing it was like george costanza going back to the job he quit right like i just you know like we just started hanging out like we weren't sleeping together we're just hanging out and she's like look like like what are we doing like i can't do that and to her credit man she was always the one who was like the voice of reason and just being like you have and she still is like that in my life anytime i'm always the one that's like either spending too much money or uh you know drinking too much back in those days and

kind of being like you know and she was always like you gotta get a hold of this you know kind of thing and it'd be like oh fuck you're right but back then i was kind of like in my mind like who are you like who is anybody i'm a grown human being right and i wasn't acting like one but i had that attitude and i feel like that's one of the most toxic pits you can throw yourself into as an adult where you're just like just because i'm this age i know what i know what's best and it's like i i know people twice my age that still don't know but they have to they have the counsel of others like that's why i go know people twice my age that still don't know, but they have to have the counsel of others. Like, that's why I go to therapy twice a month and, you know, check in with people. I mean, the great thing is, thank God I'm like a comedian because we have comics to look at each other and go, you know, that one joke you did, man, was awesome.

But that one after that was trash, man. What was that? You know, we'll say it laughing, but we'll kind of point out whatever our opinions are and who knows who's right or who's wrong but we we care about each other we generally don't hold back not necessarily no but it's more about making fun of each other we rarely make fun of each other's sets but like that's just one example right you know so uh uh you know like i remember i went through side note i went through a breakup when i lived in chicago uh obviously different girl but like i i spent a week i didn't go to any shows and then i show up to this one i finally was fucking get out of the house asshole because i only left to like

wait tables and would go home and cry and you know get drunk and watch coldplay videos but like uh i i uh they were just beyond all the scientists was one gets me. I would come home and turn on goddamn spider webs. I would ball just sitting on the fucking couch. And now I hear that song, and I laugh, and I laugh at that dude. Tragedy plus time. It wasn't even a tragedy, you bitch on a couch. But I finally went to this show, and Kinane was like, hey, everybody, look who pushed aside all the clumps of used Kleenex to be with us tonight. And it's just I need it.

I was like, yeah, that's, yeah, right on. You know, you need that. You need someone to slap you around. Yeah. So, like, I was never okay with dating my manager. I thought about it in terms of what if I were a woman and she was a man? Like everyone would be like, what is this? You know, what's going on?

But for some reason, but it's like that's what a relationship is. You have to just not care what anyone thinks if you're invested in it. That's it. And I really look back and as much as I wish I would have gone, you know, know like well and we we just started telling everybody and they're like what you you don't say mind-blowing let me ask you this going back to when you knew she was going to get a divorce right were you excited were you did you think you would reconnect i was a little afraid okay i was a little afraid because i still did kind of like you know not necessarily it was never that thing of like i

want to hook up with as many women as i can but it's just like i don't want to be in a situation where someone wants i'm on a motherfucking street right now far from it far from it oh no but i you i you just you just don't want that in front of you in case you like someone yeah you know what i mean because it's always like you, you like not necessarily the chase, but you just like the options. So there was no clear, like she's getting a divorce. It's we're definitely getting back together.

No. And I, I, I, I, I liked that back then. I was like, I'm glad bottom line.

She's happy. Thank God. I looked at it that way. But I didn't look at it in terms of, Oh, we're going to get back together. And, you know,

we months and months later, we ended up getting back together and then being open about the relationship, which I felt scared about just telling the world. I know her boss was a little weirded about it. And why is it? Because this is the second time. She's dating a client. She's dating. But you guys were there.

Oh, he didn't know. Oh, okay. He didn't know. I mean, look, put it this way. Our friends knew. Gotcha. No one she worked with knew. I see. And it was. This is new to the business side of things. Oh, okay. He didn't know. I mean, look, put it this way. Our friends knew. Got you. No one she worked with knew. I see.

And it was... This is new to the business side of things. Yes, correct. Okay. But I remember I was signed to this agency, and when they kind of expressed, like, you know, they were just a bunch of people who eventually were planning to go somewhere else anyway and only take their blue chip clients, they kind of orchestrated a thing with me where they're like oh we don't know if you're happy i don't know if we're and i was like like i saw the writing on the wall so i left which is what they

wanted me to do but it's like i don't work with someone that doesn't work with me so they but that was one of the things they said like we don't we don't uh uh you know think it's proper or something like that was oh they brought that up hitting me why it's proper or something like that. Are you kidding me? Why? It's your personal fucking life. They suck. I'm not going to say. Why don't you put more fucking focus and effort on getting me work than what I'm doing in my personal life?

They're terrible people. Very successful now. But, like, that's this business. You thrive on that side if you are a shit stain. All right. a shit stain all right but um but i would say like uh uh it was one of those things where it was very uncomfortable for me that people knew but also that now it's a thing you cannot admit this is not you know i feel like industry knows friends know it's just like it's it's people say old guys are afraid of commitment but there's all kinds of commitment everyone is afraid of

commitment a person who goes and says to their friends and family, I feel like I have a drinking problem. They don't ever forget that. So now you're on it. Now you're in it. Hopefully you take care of yourself, but no matter how you are in like two years, like I'm fine. I can have a couple of beers. They'll be looking at you like, remember when you said that though, you were, you meant that, you know? So it's like, there is commitment there. So with this, there was commitment in people knowing. And I really couldn't handle it that well. I hated it.

I wasn't the nicest person to her. And I- Because of that? Because of the, I wasn't aware of it, but of the pressure that that put on me in terms of, and it put on our relationship. I didn't like it. And I still had this nagging thing in my head of like oh i don't i think you know it's the dumbest thing but it's the thing guys say all the time i feel like and i don't mean to just

shit on guys or blame my fault on being a man i feel like women have this too where you go i uh love this person but i'm not in love with them but But I feel like love, as we know it, is half you feel it and half you work and you choose this person. And you give that person a chance because they have all these fantastic qualities. And so I wasn't that mature then. And I basically put us on hold. But I was like, I don't want to hurt you. I just think we need a break. But, you know, just really wishy-washy.

And during that time, she was just like, I called her and I kept calling her to check on her. Like, what are you doing? And she was like, look, I don't know where we're going to go in terms of relationship, but I can't work with you if like with this way. And you know, she did a, she did a smart thing, basically fired me. And I was just like, okay, fair, fair. I will find someone else. And then her boss, I remember I was coming out of a movie theater. He called me and he was just like okay fair fair i will find someone else and then her boss i remember i was coming out of a movie theater he called me and he was like look we really love working with you i uh had a space just open up on my roster if you want i'll rep you and i was like dude i would love

that and he still is my manager but at the time cara got back to work was what the fuck you stole my client basically not even that it's like and he was like he's one of those guys like older dude that has he's repped million people and he's like he's he's like unflappable like like the studio could catch on fire he'd be like well this is another day you know yeah but he said to her he's like you're gonna see him you're gonna see him at shows you're gonna see him at festivals you know like you got him all this stuff you should make more you should still make money off this guy which i agreed with yeah she did so much for me professionally you know and so she finally was just like you know okay it's already so hard to find anyone to do anyway absolutely

so then begins uh our period basically where uh it was 2014 that was beginning of the year where and like i i i called her and i was like i decided like i don't think we should be together and she was just like you know you suck you're a monster you know and i was i just was like all right well this will pass and stuff but but you're knowing you're still gonna see her knowing i'm still gonna see you're not gonna be able to avoid her convincing convincing myself basically yeah you know in a way we didn't work together anymore not directly not directly but you might as well be in the same building so to speak i'm gonna see it the fucking shows yeah yeah but it was like i just couldn't get it through my head that that it can

be that easy you can't have someone like i remember my my dad my dad will just throw out some crazy wisdom you know just like he doesn't say much but when he does it's like what the fuck where'd that come from you know but like he was we were telling my parents about it and he's just like well you guys have a good really good time together and i was like dad you can't base a relationship on that and like yeah you can yeah i mean i think about yeah i think about i think about like like like how one of the best one one of the most interesting things a, a, a, an acting teacher taught me was like, he's like, why do you think directors cast the same actors over and over and over? And everyone's like, they're good.

They're really, he loves, or he or she loves how good they are at acting. It's like, yeah, well, yeah, there's a thousand million good actors. Why just them? And everyone's like, I don't know. He's like, cause he can stand them for six months. Yeah. That's why. Right. It's like, because he can stand them for six months. Yeah. That's why. Right.

You work with the people you like to be around. Definitely you want them to be heavy hitters, talented, all that shit. But you want to be around people that you can stand. And it's like, if you found someone that doesn't drive you nuts, that's a start. That's a big start. If you can have fun with them, that's halfway there at least. you can have fun with them yeah that's that's halfway there at least yeah so i just for months was just this sad sack to the point where i remember comedians seeing pictures of me on instagram and being like you sad huh man you're pretty sad and i'm like what hell i am having the

time of my life and they're like no you're not no you're not you know i grew like a sad guy beard you know like this is a happy guy that is a happy guy but i don't know good bro thanks dude appreciate it appreciate you too man uh but i just i i just was like i tried to go back to the old me a little bit just in terms of getting out there and hitting on women that i was attracted to in social situations not no i was not biblical thank god no saint paul that wildcat no i i uh i just i just was like i went on a couple dates and i was kind of seeing somebody ish but i was completely non-committal and it just felt stupid it felt like a step backward i was you know just getting wasted all the time on mostly

on the weekends but like was you know i turned 40 and was just like what what is this what is my life and i mostly was just depressed uh about her being gone i didn't think that's what it was at the time i thought it was just me being alone and having no one to talk to but it's also like i feel like when you break up with someone you're supposed to break up with there's a feeling of relief you probably feel bad for that person but you feel a little relieved i was constantly afraid that i would see her because in my mind i was like oh it'll hurt her feelings but it in reality was me whose feelings would be hurt and like one of the stupidest moments was i was walking to this gym that I went to and I saw her car. The exact car I couldn't drive here in, by the way.

It's our car now. It's our car now. But it's like that. It's a little bit. It was it's not it was newer than but it's a little older now. But she anyway, she has the nice car today. And so that's why I had to take a lift. But I saw it coming. and it's so embarrassing.

I hid behind a giant bush, and the car's coming, and it goes by. And I'm like, oh, she probably saw my ass. And my phone, and I look, and the text just says, are you fucking kidding me? All caps. You should be texting to drive. It's like, what do I say? I was afraid you seeing me would hurt you i think i said something like that was just what what kind of duck behind a fragile flower do you think she is just ah it's like a like it's something that the three stooges would be like that's about it that's a dumb idea that's a dumb we thought of that too but that's dumb

now we're gonna hit each other with railroad spikes instead because that's smarter. But it was just this thing of every time I'd see her, it was just like, this is weird. And anytime with social situations, she was there. I'd be at least not necessarily wasted, but buzz at least drunk and just kind of like trying to make it cool. And she's like, don't talk to me, you know, and things. And then. So is she pissed at you at this point or just keeping her distance? She's keeping her distance, but she's also sad.

She lost a lot of weight. And, you know, all her friends. And she was like, she like kind of loved the way she looked, but I could tell she was really sad too. And I look back on those times and I, I, with a lot of regret, but at the same time, we wouldn't be as strong as we are now without them. So I'm very, I'm grateful for them now, but it was, it was looking, looking back, it was one of those, one of those things where I thought we had no chance in hell of ever kind of uh getting back together but uh i i did a i i threw myself a 40th birthday party and palm springs with friends like rented a house

and stuff and like uh that's the way to do it was great but but it was also like i remember after that weekend feeling like death on so many levels because drinking like that it not only uh makes you feel hung over but it's you just you strip the vitamins out of your body and what that does to your brain you have so much anxiety and stuff and i just it's one of those things where i just felt like an absolute piece of shit and i uh went i remember i remember being i was in atlanta doing shows and i was in the hotel room and i was thinking back to what my dad said about how much fun I had with, when together, you know? Right. And I was thinking about the last weekend, the year before I was there with her.

And we went to like the Claremont lounge and watched that lady who crushes beer cans with her boobs and like went to like, you got to, have you been? No. Oh, it's like,'s a run-down strip club that's run down on purpose like the bars taped together with duct tape and stuff and like it's just people drinking out of plastic cups and all the women look insane and like they're like home right there yeah i mean people say it's like it's where strippers go to die but it's like no it's just a place where you go to get wasted and have a lot of fun right rather than the strip club archetype where it's just a bunch of weird. Right. Rather than the strip club archetype,

where it's just a bunch of weirdos, like so lonely staring, you know, this is not fun. But, uh, and we went to, we ate great food and I had good shows and it was just,

it was a blast because she was there. And I remember just sitting there and being like, like, what did I do? And the phone rings and it's her. And I'm like, Hey. And she's like,

um, Hey, i just called because um you uh i still have some stuff of yours like do you want to come get it and the fact that she wasn't like calling me an asshole or there's no rage in her voice because like i definitely have an anger problem but that was the one thing with me and her we never talked about was hers hers is much more low simmer and then you feel like that's scary. It's funny. I'd rather know you're fucking pissed by yet. I just snap and kick a hole in the side of a bus or something.

She's like that. Okay. Yeah. Just like, yeah, well, you're like the whole you're dead to me thing. But like she was just talking very nice. And I just said, can I just tell you it's nice to hear you not hate me in your voice? And she's like, I never hated you.

And I was like, maybe when I come back, we should just get a cup of coffee or something. She's like, yeah. But right now, this chick's about to bust the Bud Light off her titty. So I'm calling from the Claire. I'm like, you got to speak up. They're playing pony by genuine super loud. No, I'm on the phone with my ex who used to be my manager. No, listen, she's from Boston.

Let me tell you the whole story. It starts around 2007. Her boss brought me. Just someone banks a bottle of old overhaul rye off my face uh but like you know and we and from then we just started hanging out and we just were like let's let's like this is all of her friends were like do not get back with braugher you know of course she never should have now she she's trapped, but you know, it was, it was like, uh, so when do you, what year, what year are you getting back together? This is all 2014.

All, all in the same year that we broke up in January. Uh, God, I had my birthday in August, um, that year it's always August. And then, uh, then, um, we started talking again. I think it was September. And just kind of started hanging out like old times. And bottom line, we realized not working together was the secret sauce that neither of us ever really confronted because we really liked working together. And I also, you know, I just thought she's really good. She's really good with comedians. So I was selfishly like, didn't want to let that go. But it just got great because I would root for her, she'd root for me. If she had like an idea, she'd let me know. Or I would be like, do you think this idea is

stupid or whatever? But like we had this, like there was always a thing there that it was like, it was that thing where I was like, well, I'm always going to love that person. But, and you're like, yeah, but why can't you be with her? So I finally got past myself and, and oh, I forgot to mention one of the, the last time we, like that December when we fucking, when I did our hiatus bullshit was because we were looking, we're starting to look at apartments to move in together. And I was just like inside throwing a shit fit. And then end of 2014, she was like, well,

I mean, if we're gonna do this, I really want to live with you. And I'm like, you know what? Let's give it a shot. You know, and this is when I had a therapist. I got with a therapist during 2014 where I was like, who was a therapist during 2014 where I was like, who was like a relationship specialist where I was like, why can't I stay with anyone? And we started getting into it. And he was like, you have to try things at this point in your life.

You're, you're, you're, you're, you're giving every reason why not. And not every reason why. And so like, we were like,

I moved in with her and it was that thing I was terrified to do. Cause I'd never lived with anyone I've dated ever. And it was like the best. And I was just like, Oh, this is great. Cause this is is this is like my favorite person right you know um we found uh she found a great place and and it's and now we have a house that's like two blocks from that place and uh you know chris garcia yeah he lives there with his wife valerie yeah uh he i remember he texted me he's like hey i'm new the neighborhood do you know this is is this it do you know this like

i'm like what what's it where he's like my neighbor like where my neighbor what address he said and he was like that's my old ad that's where i just left like the actual place the actual apartment yeah so that is crazy i walk by it and still think of like, oh, that's where this good life I have now began in a sense. So I said to you off mic before, I was with my daughter's mother for two and a half years. We split. We got back together. It did not end up the way yours has ended up, clearly. Yes. the way yours has ended up uh clearly yes and um i i don't know i like we get along great

but i'll i say the same thing i a friend of mine a good friend of mine from childhood had about a year of hindsight on me he had split with his wife and i really watched how he handled everything and he did he did a fantastic of, because they have a child together. I was just like, man, how are you fucking biting your tongue? How are you doing that? How are you doing this? And we started talking about just, and this is whatever, four years ago now, getting back out there and dating and stuff. And it's like, and we just came to this this realization like all the shit we've been doing

and trying has not worked right so back to your point you've got to try yeah you have to if you keep doing the same thing and repeating the same mistakes you're going to end up with the same results yep which i believe isn't that the definition of uh fucking insane insanity anyway is like repeating the same thing with the same results yeah yeah yeah um what want repeating the same thing and wanting different results wanting different results that's it see i'm which i've always disagree with that being the definition of insanity that's insanity is not knowing the difference between right and wrong in a legal sense but like to me repeating the same thing over and over and expecting a different result that's just stupid that's dumb you know

what i mean fucking dumb that's just dumb you're not insane you're fucking yeah so it's like i was never insane i'm never like we were just never just an idiot man yeah so things progress and you guys get engaged right and how do you do that how did you propose how'd that all happen i ripped off arden marine who i was in mad tv with you know about 10 years ago 11 years ago uh she told me when we were there like i was like i was like how'd your husband propose like we were just talking once and then she's like he waited until i looked horrible like i had a cold and like my hair was like a mess and i was in a robe and i was like snotty and i felt like shit that's when he proposed and i waited until she felt the worst about herself to give her something awesome. More like where she just looked terrible. Yeah. Not to be superficial, but just like, I didn't want to go like, oh, we're both this fancy restaurant.

It's in your champagne. Don't drink that. Fuck. No. It was more she came back from working out. It was just like a pile of sweat. And I was like, boop. And it was my grandmother's ring that my grandmother gave to my mom.

And we actually took it and took it to a jeweler because my mom had it reset to a different shape and we had it put back to the old kind of original shape. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, so it looks a little more old school.

Vintage. Yeah. kind of original way original shape that's nice yeah so like it looks a little more like old school vintage yeah so uh yeah that was a that was that was the proposal and it was also like you know it's like near the end before the before i was like decided to marry her that was another that was that was try part two where uh i knew she really wanted to get married and she was just like you know we were, we're on vacation. And she's like, I mean. So it's technically three then? Well, no. It just sort of dated at first. Well, it was more that I'm saying just from my perspective

of like giving something a shot or not. I see. You know, like try something you've never done. Try, got it. Yeah, so. Not three, my bad. Yeah, no, but in terms of breaking up, I don't even know. But like, yeah, it was just like, well, you know, you know the same thing i've never been married let me try being married uh you know my therapist

like it doesn't work out and it's like it's crazy for me to think about that because like i um i joke now i'm just like i would i don't know if i want to be buried you know but when i'm dead but like i'll buy the plots right now i'm gonna get the real estate both of them you know what i mean because i'm just like i'm i'm done man i don't i now because you know us comedians are always thinking the worst and are always kind of full of this certain level of anxiety of things going going horribly wrong and and stuff i'm just like yeah well you know uh i the worst thing i can one of the worst things i think of is just like her being gone i don't know what i would do and

it's like it's not to do a bit but like that is on uh the fucking plug my fine my new special i have an actual thing that kara said to me where I, I sincerely, I think this is post engagement, all this stuff. We're on the right track. Were we married when she, when I, she said this, we're,

we're like, we're, we're both in all the way in. And like, I, I just sincerely said, I was like, I was like,

I don't, I don't know what I would do without you, you know, like sincerely. And without missing a beat, she goes, I don't know, go back to dating 22 year olds. It was like a, a left hook. It was like sincerely. And without missing a beat, she goes, I don't know, go back to dating 22-year-olds.

It was like a left hook. It was like that. Do you remember when Floyd Mayweather fought that dude and he was like yelling and the guy just dropped his guard and was like, I'm sorry. And Floyd just punched him in his face and just knocked down for the count. It was that.

Look, I don't want to fight anymore like like just down you know and and she said that because and it's like the last girl i dated before we got back together was literally 22 and i remember i didn't know how old she was until she told me and i was like um and i didn't i didn't what late 30 39 39 the latest of 30s and i'm the last of my 30s last how old are you 30 30 hum i'm in my 40th year from being honest yeah i'm in the winter of my 30s yeah no i i and i remember i was in the car with her and i mean this is all the bit but she this girl was just like you really pharrell williams is fucking 40 like she said it like oh right and i was just and i couldn't say can you believe i'm a month from fucking because then she'd be like what we've had said i don't want to live jump out the window you know because it's just that you're that and i was i remember being

that age being like 40 oh yeah are you not dead yeah like you're still breathing bro old i i worked on a uh i played a dad on a disney show once and um that the little this kid who played one of my sons bryce he was like eight and he was in he'd already done all these movies and shit and um uh you know trevor moore yeah from whitest kids it was that was his show it was called walk the prank and he uh he cast bryce and he had bryce was like really cool kid really nice kid but he he said he's also young so he just says stuff but he evidently he was on he would he was in some clint eastwood movie or something and when he met clint eastwood he goes you're so old and I guess Clint Eastwood just couldn't stop laughing oh that's good I thought he was gonna say some shit you little prick you know

I was Josie Wales you mother fucker god damn it don't you have any idea like he's looking around for guns that don't exist he keeps putting his hand on his hip no but uh uh yeah you just when you're young you think you just, you can't understand why someone would choose to get old. Yeah. What was it like dating the younger girls like that? Like. It was dumb.

I mean, were you meeting them online at shows? No, no, not online. Never online. I met her through a friend. We all were out drinking and I was next to her, and I was kind of cracking wise. And she thought I was funny, and we just started hanging out. What's the oldest? Is that the biggest age gap in the person you've dated?

Definitely. What about for you? Have you ever dated an older when you were younger? Just not dated, but just like hooked up. Fair enough. Yeah. What's the oldest? Probably 40s. Oh Fair enough. Yeah. What's the oldest? Probably 40s.

Oh, okay. Yeah. I was hoping you'd drop a 67 or something all of a sudden. I kind of wish. You know what I mean? It's one of those things where you look back and you're like, I kind of wish I would. Not that I wish I would have been more insane, but there's part of me that kind of wishes I had more stories. They're all boring stories.

They're all like you meet someone after the show they go to your hotel room the end like nothing crazy happened you know i say i like drank heavily yeah but if you knew me back then you there were times you'd probably see me a little sloppy but i was never like riding a motorcycle into a candy store or something insane like i don't need stories like that where it's like whoa you were something else you know i mean people have asked me before like would you have sex with a senior citizen and i've always said no i would never fucking do that until i'm a senior citizen you know then the rules are done but i saw sophia loren in i think it's grumpy old men this maybe it's the second one and i think at the time she was either late 60s or early 70s in that movie. And I was like, you know what? Dude.

I fucking would. Yes, I would. The right one. Helen Mirren can get it. Yeah. Helen Mirren is still really super attractive. You see Red or like Red 2. You're like, mm-hmm.

Yeah. She is gorgeous. I mean, it's one of those things where if I wasn't married, I don't know what I would do. But I'm sure I wouldn't be that nuts. But I also wouldn't be like, all right. It depends. But you know what, though? Not that I take that back completely,

but it's like when you're younger, you're kind of like, I'll hook up with anyone I'm attracted to, but then you get older and you're like, but then we got to hang out out and it's like i'd just rather and you don't a you don't give a crap about scoring or hooking up it just doesn't mean anything to you and b you don't want to waste your time with someone you don't like being around uh what is what your dad said that goes right back to your dad pretty much that's right yeah yeah yeah it's it's It's, it's, it's you,

you know, the guys who get guys who are just like, Oh yeah, I try to hook up as much as I can or whatever, or don't say that necessarily, but feel that way. It's like, they're not taking into account that like you're wasting the only time on this

earth you have. And I'm, and I think, I think laying on your, on the couch, that's not wasting time. No. Watch tv it's relaxing you have to have time you have to give yourself treats can't be all treats i am you know i won't say his name uh bitch probably because he wouldn't want me to maybe maybe not maybe you would is it tom segura it's

tom segura okay um i was at the the ATC Festival two years ago. Okay. I'm with Phoenix, and I'm with a comedian, and he's single, and he's a good-looking dude. So it's not Tom. It's not Tom. Thanks, guys. It's not Tom. It's just so dumb. Tom is a handsome man.

It's just too easy. He's just not single. It's low-hanging. That's what gave it away. That's what it is. Yeah, I'll help you out there. Thank you. And he goes on, it's Tinder or whatever.

Yeah. I've never downloaded an app yeah i've never i've never i've never downloaded an app i've never been on these apps i don't know anything about this shit but i'm fascinated by like oh and all the girls in comedy tell me too well this one's bumble ryan i get to accept these guys yeah sure so yeah he's showing me these girls and he's a little older uh and these girls are tens yeah all like phoenix girls younger and i mean they are hot and i'm like are these girls that you're interested in he's like no it's the other way i go what and these are all young girl younger you know late 20s 30s all hot for him and i'm like he's like these are girls just hitting me up because i'm in their location i was like you gotta be fucking kidding me i mean it's like and he's just going

boom boom boom but i'm like holy right now he's like this one's a mile for me this is two miles and as he's on the left they're like wait no it's like hey wait but me look to your left yeah and i just couldn't get over that. And I could see how someone could get lost in that. Oh, yeah. But again, like, you know, you're, I don't know. I just feel like it would be a job interview over and over again. And then I just get sick of fucking talking about myself.

Yeah. You know, even when we do comedy. Karen, I was talking to Keystone Karen Kilgariff about it. And we talked about like you just you get sick of yourself after a while yes you do and you know it's unfair to the other person if you're just like and so this shit happened and then my dad killed my mom and you know here we are you know just like wait what you're glossing over all that because you're tired of it yeah um but for you dating younger were you what was it like you know it's one of those

things where my my start dating in high school what it were yeah i'm talking about younger younger oh sure started no i had a girlfriend in high school who dumped me and i still went to the prom with her which i think that's a sign of a real winner wait hold on yeah you got dumped by her went to the prom got dumped by your, went to the prom, got dumped by your ex, went to the wedding, bro. Yeah, you're right. Never thought of that. I guess I am what you call a stud. But it was, I was in love with, she's my first love, my high school girlfriend.

And it was one of those things we kind of just both agreed on because everyone like liked hanging out with us and after the prom we all went to this beach house and hung out and got wasted and stuff uh but it was also that thing where at that point in high school i was just like fuck it like i don't care about prom i don't care like i'll go whatever you know kind of thing i and it was wild i feel like I was more me then than I was between then and now. Because I could have brought like other girls that like would have maybe hooked up with me or whatever. But like I was just like, I don't want to be, I don't want to waste my time with them. I don't know them that well. You know what I mean?

Right. It's like, but like from then I went to college and just didn't have anything serious until junior year. That was my longest term girlfriend at that point. We dated. Actually, you know what? Sorry, we dated senior year. And then I moved to Chicago. Where are you originally from?

Uh, Portland, Oregon. Okay. Oh, you said that of course. Yeah. But,

but, uh, I, uh, I, but that, that was, I was in Portland then where your new album shot live.

That's correct. But then, um, went to college in New York, just outside the city and then went to Chicago for a year. And we had a long distance relationship for a year, which is just, I don't know if you've heard, it's a great idea. Yeah we had a long distance relationship for a year. Which is just. I don't know if you've heard.

It's a great idea. Yeah. I've been in. I've done it. It feels good. Unsuccessfully done that. Yeah. It's the worst.

And at the end of that. Lo and behold. We broke up. And then I had. This and that. And then had another girlfriend. Who I dated for three years. And then since then.

Nothing that serious. Until Kara, my now wife. How were you when you lost your virginity? I was 17. Where were you? In the high school girlfriend's house. And her mom walked in. No, dude, for real? What happened?

We were like kind of fooling around and things were getting there. And it was like, and I'm in. Huh? Oh, that fast. I will say people always think the worst when I say that because, but her mom was actually like,

like kind of a hippie mom and like a cool mom and was like, she opened the door and she's like, she just looked away. She goes, Devlin, you're supposed to be doing your homework. And she left. And then she pushed me off and I was like, she opened the door and she's like, she just looked away. She goes, Devlin, you're supposed to be doing your homework. And she left and then she pushed me off. And I was like, okay.

And then that was it. That was, I mean, we never, I didn't, we didn't get to like consummate finish, but I was like, I consider that. That's a hundred percent. First time. Yeah, that's first time. That's first time.

No doubt. Yeah. I had that happen. Not when I lost my virginity. With a senior citizen? With a senior citizen. Her mother walked in the first time. That's the first time. No doubt. Yeah. I had that happen, not when I lost my virginity. With a senior citizen? With a senior citizen. Her mother walked in? Her mom.

It's crazy. How old was she? 112. She was 112. Could she see either of you? She rolled in. Her mom rolled in. Yeah.

Did she yell, make room for mama? Sit on your face? She said, let me film it for you guys. I was seeing a girl in high school i was 17 just about to turn 18 and she was 16 and her family had moved to indiana okay and i had no parents at the time my dad was gone my mom split so i didn't have anyone to tell me what i could or couldn't do so i decided i was going to take a greyhound to go visit her nice and i unbeknownst to me greyhound is on strike i don't find that out until we're wheeling west virginia when our bus driver

crosses the picket line right and they come out they start throwing shit at our bus trash food i mean they're just like fuck you going and i'm like what's going on and he's like oh we're on strike and i was like all right so it takes us a ridiculously amount, a ridiculous long time to get to Indianapolis. It should have never been this long. But it's taking like 23 hours or some shit like that. And when I get there, she and I, now we're not having sex at all, but we're on the couch. It's like 3 o'clock in the morning. Her parents are asleep.

We're making out. And we're going at it with clothes on. Got it's like three o'clock in the morning her parents are asleep we're making out and we're you know we're going at it with clothes on got it basically yes and i am on top of her and we had rocky three was on and rocky three ended and the snow is just remember when you used to see that on the tv you don't see that shit anymore yeah right and um i hear a voice go get in your goddamn bedroom and i'm like and i was on top of her my face was down you know and her by her here so i don't see anything it's in her shoulder and her dad had walked out and he's watching this fucking 17 year old just dick oh no pun intended on top of his fucking daughter right in their house i just took a bus i can't go anywhere i'm stuck there it's a blizzard wow okay so i don't know what to do i'm we're totally busted i'm dying inside and

she now has to slide out from under me oh god in front of her dad so i have to get off of her to let her out oh yeah fully clothed though but still we are going at it yeah and as i turn to get all of over i don't know what to do dude i just i just closed my eyes like i was sleeping he's dead lay there like that and i could hear him breathing and standing there after i heard her run away and i fucking i was like you're not gonna that's i don't care about to do this till the fucking sun comes up buddy we're going at it we we we all forget about that that famous system of playing possum just just dead i just stayed dead no i'm dead and then in the morning no point in killing me oh i'm no threat to you it was it was awful her mom really liked me and she was super sweet we still we're still

friends we still talk so um i i her mom gets up early and obviously her dad has already gone back and bitched and gone you know dude fuck you so she knew and um she's like how are you feeling i was like i don't feel real good she goes well you can go lay in my son's room he's already gone so i'm like great i can hide in there while dad goes to work but dad throws the door open he's like my wife said you're not feeling so good i was like yeah my stomach hurts he's like yeah well we'll see about that and he shuts the door i'm like fuck what's that even mean i don't know but that's that mind shit that dads do when you fuck around their daughter i'm gonna do that dads do when you fuck around with their daughter. I'm going to do that shit if I catch anybody fucking around with my daughter.

I'll be like, we'll see about that. You know, one of those. Oh, my God. You should just say that. Just yell that at him. See about what? This guy's absolutely insane. He's nuts.

So you say oatmeal? Thank you. What? Sorry, I didn't say anything, Mr. Sickler. Thank God. I thought you said oatmeal like just keep him on his guard yeah he gets blit he gets a snowed in and a blizzard at work he can't come home that night and the next day i'm leaving oh my god i'm like oh no he's

losing his mind i'm just here with her mom her mom doesn't care i mean her mom cares but her mom's not gonna treat me like her dad yeah she knows life has a way i get the fuck out of there and uh when i get back to maryland i call the house let him know i made it safe and he could not have been nicer to me which blew me away he was just glad i was the fuck out of there yeah but years later um because i was friends with her and her sister a bunch of us stayed in touch i go back to um visit and we're having this party and her brother comes up oh no and in front of i'm talking i'm having a conversation with her dad yeah this is i can't tell you how many years

later this is i don't know 15 yeah you know maybe probably maybe a little longer than that and uh her brother comes up it just goes hey remember that time my dad caught you on top of my sister and i was like fuck bro what are you doing yeah and i was like huh he goes yeah i've been meaning to talk to you about that the dad and i was like what the fuck i'm like what are you doing dude that's so funny you're doing and he's like yeah you know elucidate about that i'm like can we just not talk about that my stomach hurts dude i mean it's like you have that button you'll push it fuck like my my chicago girlfriend kristin her dad was uh um was a homicide detective in baltimore like in fact he was one of those guys from from what did he work with did he work on the show yeah uh he didn't work on the show but he was he was like part of the amalgam of of detectives was uh

was was halligan i think bob halligan and uh he was busy yeah he was he's a busy motherfucker he was one of those dudes who was like super funny and would like loved loved to have a couple beers he would come to my comedy shows and bring guys that were like with the dea but and i think he i think he actually went to he went to dea but all he busted were like big cases and never fuck with marijuana it It's like, I don't care if you smoke grass, you know, but like the, his guys with him, they,

that was their divisions. And he told us that. And so every comic's like, all right, I'm doing my set, go get an alley and get high. All right, guys,

here we go. You know, like whatever. And like, they'd be like, man, you know, I mean,

you think that's funny. And, and, and, and Ed, it's Ed Halligan. And Ed's just like, yeah,

yeah. I'll come with you. Like he was a maniac, but like he, when, when his,'s just like, yeah, yeah. I'll come with you. Like he was a maniac. But like he, when his, my ex-girlfriend's sister married my friend. I went to their wedding in Chicago. And Ed's there. And Ed just comes up and he's like, yeah, you hear about Kristen? She lived in, she moved to Thailand with her to thailand with her her ex before xx before

me or something guy from her past and uh i was like yeah i heard she got married he's like yeah yeah she had a kid funny thing looks kind of like you and he's like laughing like maniac love it he thought it was so funny i'm like there's no way mr halegate there's no way i was just like all you can do is like laugh and wince like oh come on man those moments i i remember a time this was before i lost my virginity i was 15 i was about to be 16 but i was 15 and um we're with i'm with my girlfriend she was 16 she was older and we're but we're both virgins right so this is you know you know how this is gonna go yeah so it's perfect you both had all the right yeah just get it done and um we're in the back of her dad's uh chevy trailblazer and we parked at this soccer field we used to play

out all the time and it was just a big open parking lot and there's no one there that night got it it's right around valentine's day and i did say valentine's i know and um you know we we have sex it's nothing to write home about it was functional at that point you know it was what you said a little a few more minutes of what you experienced that was it and you know we go back and we're talking and i guess we were so excited that we had left um i left the wrapper to the condom in the car oh and her mom was very traditional yes uh and found it right and was like my she was like my mom's asking me i was like just say we had a bunch of guys in the car and they all bought them and we're blowing them up and shit or whatever yeah she's never gonna believe it i'm like just say it and go with it and she did but you know they didn't fucking buy

that at all at all um but i remember a time too i was 14 and i was about to lose my virginity this is embarrassing and this girl was a friend of mine uh i mean a friend of mine's cousin got it and she was in town and she liked liked me, and she's cute, and she thinks I'm cute, and we're going to have sex, and we're at my house, and nobody's home. And I go turn the bedroom light out, and I'm just so excited. I go to jump back on the bed, and I hit my balls on the corner post of the fucking bed.

Dude, I went down on the ground. I was fucking sick to my stomach. I ruined it. I ruined it. ruined it thank god i could have waited another five years for that but thank god it was only a year but that year was painful yeah but not as painful as hitting my fucking balls on that bed post this girl was ready to go and then tells her my friend like you know your fucking friend's kind of an asshole and i was like i just yeah i was overly excited and ruined it well and uh I, me and a girl in college broke a bed,

but only because the bed just wanted a break. We were like kissing. It was like, and like, like, like I was, we were going, we had the condom right there and it was like, we're going to have sex. And then she can't stop laughing. And it's just like, well, we're not hooking up. This is, she just would not stop laughing. And we, and we had like snuck away from a party. She's like, let's not hooking up this is she just would not stop laughing and we and we had

like snuck away from a party she's like let's just go back to the party i'm like no please please come have sex with me please god have you ever been caught any other times no uh i uh i will this isn't really caught but this is creepy and scary but a senior year of high school i have a girlfriend and we're we don't have any place to go have sex at this point so everyone's at my place her parents are her place so she drove a little subaru justy this four-wheel drive justy it's about as big as this fucking table i don't know what that is it's a it was like a pregnant roller skate that's what it was i'm from the land of subarus okay i don't know what that is look Look up the Justin. Okay. And so we go to this old baseball field.

That's where a lot of our sex happened, I guess, fields. And we finish. And then I see it too, like this light. And she's like, why did you turn the light on? I said, I didn't turn the light on. Oh, no. And we turn around and there's some dude with a flashlight right in the car. We're both buck naked.

Okay. Oh, my God. And we're like, what the fuck? And he starts beating on the window. Now, I'm guessing we didn't see any other cars, but there was a house that was like up on the hill. Right. And probably got sick of people fucking there all the time or doing drugs or whatever they're doing. Sure.

And he's shining this light and we're both buck naked. And she's getting dressed and she's like, drive and we're both buck naked and i she's getting dressed and she's like drive and i'm driving naked he starts chasing us and i'm naked for miles and my 20 minutes probably 15 20 minutes who's this he is he a cop no oh we don't know who he is he's definitely not a cop he's in a pickup truck just chasing us so i'm assuming it's the dude up on the hill but man that scared the fuck out of me and i'm in a little tiny it's not it's not a getaway car right you know what i mean that thing's a lawnmower yeah yeah and i'm just cutting hard and trying finally shook his ass but man that

was really fucking creepy yeah that's that's a scary one it's really scary i'm trying to remember i i this is embarrassing this is humiliating but i love you so i'm going to share this with you not that anyone's listening to this no it's just you and me when do we start rolling by the way we're not we're just going to keep good i never would have shared all that personal shit um a good friend of mine i considered her my mom growing up i would stay at their place a lot and i was home one summer um i lived here actually and come home for the summer and we go out drinking now her son and i are great friends but he was drinking with another group of our friends and i was drinking with another group of our friends so we i meet him i beat him back to his own house yeah and his mom

would always do this thing like let me smell your breath and you just be and she was like jesus christ and it would be whatever you were drinking that night all over her face yeah so she's like just go downstairs and sleep it off. Well, I was supposed to lay on the couch they had downstairs, East Coast finished basement. But her daughter had this little doll room. And I guess I thought it was an extra bedroom. And I went in.

And it's one of these bedrooms. It's like it's a decorate. It's for show. You pulled a Robert Downey Jr. Is that what he did? At the height of his addiction he wandered into some family's house and went to sleep in the kids room and the little girl's like dad um and it's like he's just passed out in a little girl's bed at this point kids are

grown there's no children in this i want to make that real clear yeah uh there's no did i mention he was in the iron man suit you did it doesn't matter i guess no he wasn't sorry so yeah yeah same i you know it's a twin bed and everything's matching and there are hundreds of dolls and it's all decorated right yeah and i i lay down on the bed and i guess i started to masturbate huh and also i guess from deductive reasoning that uh i all of a sudden a light switch turns on and I hear, oh, my Jesus Christ, Ryan. And I look down, I'm like, oh, and that's when I realize I must have started passed out in the middle of it. And my pants are still down, you know, wow, flaccid dick. And I'm just laying there on this little tiny like doll bed with all

these dolls around the fucking room oh and i'm supposed to be out on the couch yeah and i'm in this little fucking doll room and she's like i was gonna ask if you could go pick my son up but i guess that's a no and i was like yeah it's enough i can't even pull my pants up that is a no god yeah so give me it give me a laugh. Give me a doll to cover my penis with. You've got a holly hobby. You're still that level of drunk where you're just comfortable with any suggestion. Raggedy hands hanging over my dick

just to cover it up. Yeah, that was really fucking embarrassing. Yeah, my God. That was embarrassing. Oh my God. So you are now, how many years have you been married now? Are you two years?

A year. A year. All right. Congratulations. You're still a newlywed. Yeah, for sure. But we've been together so long that marriage didn't change. You said it went all the way back to 2007?

Well, 10 is when we started kind of hooking up, 10 or 11. But it was like, it wasn't, being being married is just kind of it's just kind of made it made it better and i know it's like they say like oh you get married for mostly for her so she feels secure and stuff but it was just like i wanted to do it too just to have like oh yeah that'd be a cool thing to do and when we did it we got married in the courthouse and then had like uh like do it here or oregon or portland yeah and and then the next night had like a had like a big party for everybody and so there's it was just it was i like that yeah we just had the wedding we wanted to have that was perfect for us and i always feel bad for people at a

wedding because it just seems like they're just thanking everyone they're never get a moment to themselves to even enjoy their day it's not necessarily for you it's for your friends and family yeah it makes you know what i mean to let them celebrate you for sure and like even at that party i remember i just kept having to run away just and i would just take food and shove it in my mouth and then go back to talking people yeah talking to people because you don't and there are people like like like yeah people are going outside a bunch to get high and like they were i had no idea i didn't know you know do uh, do you want kids? We're,

we're, we, uh, we want one. So I think, I think, uh, you're going to have triplets.

We're going to go. Yeah, of course. You're going to have triplets. You want one? You'd have four headed, uh, daughter.

No, uh, we're yeah. So it's like now, now we're kind of figuring out when, cause it's, you know, we're both,

I'm old and she's a little, she's younger than me, but you know, she's getting there. So it's like, yeah, we're going to, and that's, yeah, yeah that's the plan just have one if we can yeah and you have just one yeah i have one and a stepson yeah okay great but um my daughter's four yeah and it's how old are you now i'm uh 44 okay i was 40 40 when we got pregnant 41 when we had her but you look good

dude you don't look your age well one thing the body you got to worry about yeah right if you can keep up with a phone this is covered in scars how about these knees are these knees in good shape after toddlers i did yoga yesterday pilots as i call it the day before um yeah my wife and i do like a a bunch of different like exercise classes and that's kind of like made me feel younger and and kind of uh made me like a little more limber and stuff because my dad is is uh is was taller than me and now he's shorter because he's just kind of shrunk and it's you know tall guys we have so much gravity working against us all the time it's important just to stay kind of stretched out and

limber and not uh i find that if if i do any one thing too much i start getting tensed up and things are just like clumped so yeah i mean that's if i'm addicted to anything it's it's just like working out at least a couple times a week if i don't and i'm traveling a lot i don't have i can't find any time i just feel gross you know yeah well dude i'm so happy for you man that. Thanks, man. That is a happy ending. Thanks, yeah. We needed that. Yes. I'm glad that ended like that.

You meant you with your dick out in the kid's room? All right. We needed that. That I thought was the happiest. That's what it made me come. That's where I would roll the credit. That would have made me finish. That's my I Love Lucy ending.

Your dick out. Well, thank you so much for coming on and being honest. I appreciate it. This is a great show because it's funny and it doesn't take itself too seriously, but it's about things that at the time couldn't have been serious-er. Yeah. And you might feel like you're at your worst and you're like, oh, my God. Thank God that happened.

Yeah. I was telling the Lyft driver about it on the way over. He thought he wasn't a fan? Yeah. She. She wasn't a fan? But she uh yeah the ryan sickler uh she don't you feel that way about your name like i'm sure there's people that

listen to us but like they they think we're you know the cat's ass which is thank god for you people but like you know mostly anyway but she just said um she was like well that sounds nice like people would listen to that and maybe maybe not drive themselves too crazy over dumb stuff they've done or hard times they've had. I'm like, that's the hope. I am blown away by the amount of emails I've already received about that. People telling me they're going to therapy or people like, man, the shit I went through. And now some people going through divorce or bad breakups. It doesn't have to be deaths and abandonment and abuse.

It's depression or bad times get a hold of you, however they do, and they're there. It's all real. Your pain is your pain. That's it. And you have to deal with your pain, and it's like no one else's pain. That's right.

Just like I remember Ziggy Marley said about, they asked him about white people with dreadlocks, and he said, you know, the white man can go through many struggles, but he'll never know the struggle of the black man. And dreadlocks mean the black struggle, evidently. So I guess I'm saying white people don't grow dreadlocks. Yeah, please.

I mean, I think we're all headed there. That was what we were talking about just now, right? That's what the whole show is about. I had to be a joker about it, but I do say on my podcast a lot, what you think is going to happen is far what will happen is is way less worse than what you think when you when you have something coming up that you're like dreading or something's terrifying or whatever it's like like i look back on that time and i was like i was in hell but now i'm not and now it's like

my life is better because I had that hell. And because you dealt with it. Yeah. That's right. Thanks. Well, I also lucked out. She gave me a chance. You are lucky.

She should not have. You've got to give it to your wife. She shouldn't. Yeah, no. I mean, I feel like it's just none of us. None of us deserve the ladies we're with. Well, thank you for coming on. Thanks, man. I really appreciate it.

It's great to have you. And will you one more time promote anything you want to promote? Just finally live in Portland. It's on Amazon Prime and Google Play and iTunes and all that jazz. And Advice from a Dipshit, which is on wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts. And if you want to see me on tour, mattbrauger.com. I got a bunch of stuff coming up. Not in April, but a ton in May.

Awesome. Awesome. Go see Matt matt live go check out his special i am ryan sickler on all social media ryan sickler.com talk to y'all next monday see y'all next tuesday I'll see you next time.