The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Nikki Glaser - Darling Nikki

Episode Date: June 28, 2021

My HoneyDew this week is Nikki Glaser! Nikki Highlights the Lowlights of anorexia, body dysmorphia, dating, and sex! SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew SPONSORS: UPSTART Find out how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today when you go to UPSTART.COM/HONEYDEW. That's UPSTART.COM/HONEYDEW. Don’t forget to use my URL to let them know I sent you! COORS PURE Coors Pure is the perfect beer to celebrate the wins of everyday life. So when you want to enjoy a beer without the guilt, reach for Coors Pure. It’s organic, but chill about it. Go to CoorsPure.com to see where you can find Coors Pure! Celebrate Responsibly. Coors Brewing Company, Albany, Georgia. STAMPS.COM Go to Stamps.com, click on the Microphone at the TOP of the homepage and type in HONEYDEW. That's STAMPS.COM promo code HONEYDEW. EXPRESSVPN Stop paying full-price for streaming services and only getting access to a fraction of their content. Get your money's worth at EXPRESSVPN.COM/HONEYDEW. Don't forget to use my link at EXPRESSVPN.COM/HONEYDEW to get an extra three months of EXPRESSVPN.

Everybody, just a reminder, go to RyanSickler.com for tour dates. I will be in Phoenix at the House of Comedy, September 6th through the 8th. This episode of The Honeydew is brought to you by Upstart, Coors Pure, Stamps.com, and ExpressVPN. More on that later. Let's get into the do. The Honeydew y'all we're over here doing it in the night pan studios i am ryan sickler ryan sickler on all social media ryan sickler.com uh please subscribe to the youtube channel this community is continuing to grow, grow, grow, and I can't thank you enough for that, for real.

It means a lot to me. The Patreon as well, the Honeydew With Y'all we're doing over there, that community continues to grow. And the stories, I can't get over the shit you guys are sending in. We have a bunch recorded. We have people sending shit in. Someone solved an 18-year-old cold case. I found a human skull on a work recorded. We have people sending shit in. Someone solved an 18-year-old cold case. I found a

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You guys know I record here at the Santa Monica Music Center. I'm very proud to tell you that we just finished two episodes of Culver City High School Kids. OK, so I created a curriculum with Lana for Culver City High School because I really think podcasting is replacing journalism. All right. That's my opinion. We interviewed the mayor of Culver City and the chief of police of Culver City with this class of kids uh and it went great so we're going to keep doing that I love giving back it's outreach through the arts you guys will be seeing me promote a lot of that stuff the honeydew podcast is where you go for anything honeydew related all right now that you know all that you guys know

what we do over here we highlight the low. I always say these are the stories behind the storytellers. And today, first time here on the Honeydew. So fucking excited. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Nikki Glaser, y'all. Welcome to the Honeydew, Nikki Glaser. I am so glad to be here. I'm so stoked to have you. I mean, I feel like we've been doing podcasting since I got here.

We had a sesh. Because I feel comfortable like i was just listening to you just then i was just like i love i love this medium and i don't know about replacing journalism that's a big thing like i think as a part of journalism it's a it's taking up space in the journalism is a thing that is well some journalism has become bullshit and that's what i mean the clickbait i mean clickbait so it's replacing like television news like cable news and newspapers that have too big of a slant like people are getting their information from podcasting now i hope people don't look to me for political knowledge or your news or like what's going on in the middle east like fuck with any of that so in my podcast does not replace is journalism in any way it replaces maybe the today show segment

where you know the guy on the street said al roker has a real moment uh well please before we get into everything plug everything and anything you want your shows your, your tour, all of it. All right. I'm on tour. It's coming up. It's looming. From July until forever. No, I don't know. Until the winter, but I'm going on tour again. I am excited about it.

I'm nervous about it because I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself for it to be great because when people are spending this much money to see you, I feel guilty. I agree. I have to give them something that's undenieniably yes good you're their weekend yeah that's what they what did you do this weekend we went to see nikki glazer how was it it was either good or it wasn't good the weight of that and i like i am not doing the imposter syndrome thing of like they're wrong you know like they're right respect that they enjoy you you good. Give them the best show you can give. Have it be fun. Have it be memorable. Like I'm just going to make it. I don't know. I get bored watching someone just talk on mic for an hour, even if they're like the person I love more than anything in the world. Like I don't know that I have the stamina right now. Like I want to see something else. So I'm going to give people other things. Like I want to incorporate like pictures at like a slideshow. I mean,

this has been done before. This isn't really in standup, but I want to just venture out and start having more fun. I agree. I don't think the media. I want to replace journalism. That's what I'm talking about. It's wide open.

On the road. Road journalism. Road journalism. Um, you have a new show. Yeah. Right now. Oh yeah. Okay. So I'm going about. It's wide open. I'm going to take on the road. Road journalism. Road journalism. You have a new show right now. Oh, yeah. Okay, so I'm going on the road. I have a new podcast called the Nikki Glaser Podcast.

It's a daily podcast. It's kind of like, it's just me and my roommate, Andrew Collin, who's been on your show. His episode will come out after yours. Oh, really? It's not out yet? Oh, yeah, because I would have heard about it. Oh, my God. He would have been posting all week.

It would have been like, you would have had a nervous energy in the kitchen that morning where that i would have been like what's going on today why are you biting your hand uh like we both like he bites his hand when he gets nervous and i pick on this thing on my knee and we always catch each other like where we're like stop picking and sometimes i'm like i want to pick this there's a piece of skin and i want to get it has nothing to do with the fact that he didn't text me back like but it so he was doing that but he does it about getting excited too when he gets excited i'm just like what's going on the the podcast came out how is it except how are people liking it i'm getting a lot of good feedback i'll do the whole thing i care i'm happy for him but uh yeah i uh i forgot where i was going with that whole thing You were plugging your podcast Oh yeah my podcast I am so bad at plugging

I gotcha No the Nikki Glaser podcast I'm so proud of it I do it daily Monday through Thursday You can jump in whenever you want You don't have to go back to old episodes to understand it We'll catch you up on inside jokes It's everyday you can drop in and out whenever you want It's like a morning show that you happen to catch sometimes

On the way to work And you're like oh I kind of know these people And I genuinely feel like the people i that listen to podcast are like my friends like they are they love it's almost delusional on my part i've never felt that way with fans before even with stand-up fans like but that's because there's a so real connection yes it's like it i and i'm saying stuff that i'm like you're living your life i don't let my parents i don't want my parents to listen to it. I don't want my closest friends to listen to it.

I don't want my boyfriend to – like if I ever get one, I don't want him like tuning in. I want to be able to process my feelings in a way that won't like – it might breach their privacy a little bit but in a way that we've agreed upon. So entering into today with you and wanting to talk about stuff that like is really emotional to me, some of these things I'm about to share, like I've learned just the risky way of talking about them and then they hear the podcast eventually. And then they are like, hey, I heard that. And then they're either cool or not. And I've been lucky that they have all been cool because I've been gambling. Not all of them. My mom did not appreciate my jokes about her.

Never discouraged me from it but didn't appreciate my jokes about her drinking when I first started. But I kind of was like, well, I'm mad about it. And so stop drinking and I'll stop doing that kind of thing. So now I have a lot more compassion for someone who might rely on something to get through their life and doesn't want to give it up because it's too scary i mean i do that with work i do that with my daughter will talk about how her dad smoked weed for sure yeah i mean it's a thing she'll she'll have to be like and then he was checked out like you like when she wants to create that narrative she'll be like he was so dialed in it was annoying i know well that's funny that's so funny i wish he was a drinker yeah because when you smoke weed you get yeah i'm telling you i

want to do everything like we did this whole studio and everything i would smoke a joint like let's go paint let's blah blah you know i like that i like what marijuana does for me i have to accept that that's the way it manifests in me as well like it's really suits my add it gives me like a boost of energy and but some people that struggle with pot addiction which i see all the time in the subreddit leaves like i'm always just lurking about when i want to stop doing it because i've i've been able to like kick uh what did i say the other night and you were like you were laughing so hard at the comedy store oh was that you no we were at supernova someone who i always get mixed up with you had said to me, literally, I get you guys all kind of look the same to me sometimes like you because I will have bursts of hanging out with you on podcasts like in the mid to like 2009.

That was a long time ago. And then since then, I'm not like keeping up with clips. The algorithm feeds you. So sometimes I get you confused with other people. If you were black, this would be way more uncomfortable. Do you know what I mean? But that happens too, to me all the time. It happens with everyone. I am bad with

faces. People I care about. I'm not claiming to have that Brad Pitt thing. I'm alright with faces. I recognize a face, but I don't remember your name not claiming to have that Brad Pitt thing. I'm all right with faces. It gives me an excuse to be an asshole. I recognize a face, but I don't remember your name. So it doesn't really help me. Oh, faces for me are the thing where I'm like, I don't – your face. So you'll know a name, but you couldn't put the face to the name?

You'll be like, oh, I know that name. I know that name. I know that name. I'd probably be better at remembering names than faces. It's really hard. I'm a social butterfly anyway, so it's no ding on you. I just don't fucking – I'm not out there like that. Yeah, but that's – I did spend some time with you the other night and I should have not confused you with the person I saw at the comedy store.

I forget what I said, but I said I was talking about quitting alcohol and a couple other things in my life. I've put – I'm sober from these things that lead lead to me being – like not being able to work as efficiently. Really, it's all about like if this affects my career, then it's gone. It can do everything else in my life. Like no service to any other facet of my life and I will allow it to exist. But the second it starts fucking with my work, I got to address it. will allow it to exist but the second it starts fucking with my work i gotta address it so um yeah that allows me to have certain addictions for a longer time that are harder to let go but i'm addicted to caffeine i'm addicted caffeine would be the hardest one you think i'm also

following that subreddit decaf they talk about it i've read this is the thing i've read can i just say one thing and and by the way on leaves the subreddit for quitting smoking pot, people need to quit it. And it makes them lazy and they're addicted. Wouldn't that be awful? Look, if you're going to smoke weed and just lay on your couch. It's like angry drunks. You're like, what? If you're a nice drunk, that's what I always said about my mom.

Marijuana doesn't work for you. I always said about my mom, she's a nice drunk. So we were always like, you're kind of the best when you're this way. So it's like we didn't want her to get help help for it but we're like do it more like so when people are nice drunks you sometimes can encourage them can i just say something to you yeah that's positive yeah quit the subreddits don't worry about the subreddit don't worry about the weed they expose me to so many stories oh my god there's honeydews all over subreddits make reddit makes me because people feel safe and they're like really

smart funny people in there telling their stories of their life and just you learn a lot about humans on reddit i love it and those are support groups it's more real than anything but i'm saying i was able to quit something no well i was that's the best place i'm serious people that want to quit read on decaf just starts following it. I'm serious. These are helpful communities because I find that before I'm ready to quit something, I just start like kind of like scoping out. That's where you go. What if I – no, not just Reddit but just asking people about what it's like to not drink and like, huh, and like collecting information, just poking around like not ready to do it yet. I got this book that helped me quit drinking or smoking alan carr easy way like you were a cigarette smoker yeah oh you were oh i loved it you did it's disgusting and i loved it um i still

loved it when someone strikes a match and hits the lights a cigarette yeah it's cool that initial smell that first one before there's a pool of the toxins probably the it smells so good and then after that as soon as you pull it in and all the poison gets in it. I know. I'm getting a headache just thinking about it. Thankfully, they give me headaches now, smell of smoke. And so that's so much pain that I would never – that I associated with that I didn't – I wouldn't struggle with it. But this book, when I still craved cigarettes and wasn't getting headaches from them when I was younger, it immediately helped me drop cigarettes. Immediately.

And I was like, what the fuck was that? I just read a book and now I don't want to smoke cigarettes. At the end, it goes, you can read it. You can smoke the whole time you read it. He encourages you to. And all you do is get unbrainwashed by what you've been brainwashed to think about your addiction to cigarettes. Because what you think your addiction is, you've been lied to.

It's not that. It's not as bad as you've been told. Oh, is that right? The tobacco companies, their propaganda, they've spread the message quitting smoking is hard because it makes you go, I got to keep doing it. It's hard. Like it makes it so you can fall back and keep doing it. So it seems counterintuitive that they would spread the message that cigarettes are extremely addictive, but it actually works to their advantage in the end because people won't quit. But it's actually a lot easier than one would think. Caffeine, not as easy. And then I also read the drinking book. So when I was flirting with quitting drinking, I got that guy's book for

drinking and I just put it on my shelf because I was like, I'm circling the drain here on this, literally like in the shower. It was the the worst it was just a hangover being drunk was awesome i never really did anything that reckless or you weren't humiliating i mean i was no never violent sometimes i would be angry sometimes i my friends would tell me about blackout anger episodes but very very few very few and especially towards the end when i was able to control that or thought I had some control. Didn't at all. But I was having sex on it.

Like it was the only way I could have sex. Why? What do you mean? To get the confidence to do it? Yeah. No, work up the nerves to do what I really like wanted to do or like to be – like to get out of my head. It was just like an instant like liquid courage. But ultimately what I learned in reading this book is that it's not liquid courage.

It's just making you dumber. Like that's all it does. It's like a retardant. Like it just – which isn't the right word. But you know what I'm saying? Like it just makes you more – It is the right word actually. Yeah.

I think retardant is something that puts out the flames. Well, that's flame retardant. Fire retardant. Yeah. So it's like – I don't know. I think you can use it across the board. I don't know if you – that word's making a comeback.

You know the word that we're circling the drain on again. Is it making a comeback? I think so. People are like starting to test the waters with that word again, and I am not – it's not like – Just throwing it out in casual conversation. Oh, they're working it in – you know, just in back rooms amongst like comedians who get it and aren't going to snitch and aren't going to tweet or record and send it out.

I've heard the R word a couple of times. It's not like the same reaction. If someone dropped the N word back there, it would be an issue. Of course. After we all chimed in. No, no, it would be. But I'm so mad you coughed at that moment because I needed your laugh to confirm.

But there was a moment where, like, people are just... The emptiness after that... I was about to take a sip and it hit me. Dude, it, like, it... You left me hanging on that one. And people... No, it's...

That word is making a comeback. I've heard it. And I'm like, okay, I'm letting... because that word, if it offends people, I don't – you know what? If it offends people and makes them feel bad, I can think of a different word. That's my answer actually. It's not that important. I have an old joke with it. I just don't do it anymore.

I definitely said it before on stage. Because I recorded it. You know what I mean? I burned it. I did it on The Tonight Show back three it i burned it i did it on the tonight show three months ago when you could say it on there i said did a rape joke on the tonight show my first tonight show jay leno i did a joke you were allowed to say the rape word and everything the word rape i got this this is wild talk about a fucking highlight of my life i i am a i'm a blackout drunk like like not taking care of myself eating to

binging at night probably in like bulimic at this point like i went from anorexia i started an anorexia and was like never gonna go the other way always gonna be good and skinny then you i slingshotted the other way not too bad but i was like puking and drinking and like eating and i was just bloated like so gross it was january of 2009 i had been approved to do the tonight show in like late 2007 and so i went a whole year maybe fall 2007 i went a year or and more with being told i was going to do this right right away when they were, the set's approved. I said I had run by them like several times. Fling it. Hold on.

No, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. We can get a paper towel. Ash, no. Ash, you stay there, Ash. No, we don't need a paper towel. Ash, you stay.

It's fine. You better stay, bro. I'm on a roll and I can't have you interrupt me. Get it. So I got a set approved like went through like like so many times with these guys uh Bob and Ross from the Tonight Show who originally saw me on Last Comic Standing when they were the judges when I was in Chicago when I auditioned for Last Comic Standing my senior year of college I drove with a bunch of comedians from Kansas City to Chicago to audition

I stood out in line waited in the cold auditioned didn't deserve to make it through knew I didn't was prepared to be the DAP fan if I got through. All I wanted was to not be made fun of and go on a trip with 10 comedians from Kansas City in a van. It was so fun. Get there. I got through the first round because they were like Bob and Ross, the boogers for the tonight show who come to play later. I'm in Kansas City doing stand-up for, for i don't know this is my senior year of i should just go back and tell my whole story anorexic in high school uh senior year i want

to talk about why what what were you i i caught anorexia um because you caught it yeah is that what you say well do do you get well i guess you could say get cancer and catch cancer but like it can't it's like it's not something that it was my fault it's not a genetic illness i have a i'm already like starting to cry i have a lot of like anger about people who think you're choosing not to eat because it's a thing that like people don't understand it they think like you want to be skinny you're just vanity. There's nothing vain about it at all. So this is not a body dysmorphia? I mean it definitely was that.

It started as like – what it started as was my senior year. These are the events that led to it and we can go back and investigate these more. Yeah, will you tell me because these are things that interest me. I know the Vogue's and the videos and all the bullshit and Photoshop that peppers women with like you can look this beautiful. You should, which is all unrealistic. And we all know that, but we still go for it. You were telling me about these filters that I even fucking know about for Instagram and stuff. So where does it come from?

Like where does it get – where does that seed get planted for you? for you well you are an intelligent woman who looks around you and sees that the women who get heard and get to do things and get to be the spotlight and get to be loved are the ones who are prettiest and and most fuckable to men you put that two and two together you look at yourself you realize i don't first of all i don't have it in me to fuck men like i don't want to like even i don't want to put that out there because i'm so scared of male sexual energy for i don't – first of all, I don't have it in me to fuck men. Like I don't want to like even – I don't want to put that out there because I'm so scared of male sexual energy for – I don't even know why. But what age is this that you're already going with anorexia? When I realized it – Yeah, what age were you already like, oh, got it?

I realized I was like not cute. I think – oh, god, it came in such like different stages. But probably when my sister started getting attention for being cute. So that's when I first have an older sister younger. So I started seeing like, oh, that's what pretty girls get to hear all the time is like how beautiful they are. And literally multiple times. And I felt like unseen because it would just be my parents wouldn't acknowledge it. But like women would stop my mom and tell my sister that she was like beautiful and then not say anything to me.

And like it was constantly a topic because she was so beautiful it was like notable if you've ever been around people who are like models or you know actresses like i was friends with jennifer lawrence for a little bit and being around her you just are like you just can't i like i could i just be like you're so pretty like do you know that like not trying but i'm just like dude i can't like deal with what how this could exist on a face like my dancing with the stars partner was like that he's the hottest guy i've literally ever looked seen in the flesh and i i understand having to stop and go you're so hot like i would be with him because people always were like nikki surely you're exaggerating like

i told andrew about him like he's the hottest guy I've ever seen in person. Like, I'm not lying when I say that. And I'm touching him five hours a day. I mean, yeah. For a month every day. All over him. And just sexy dances. Yeah.

How hard is that? Well, for a woman who suffers with opening herself up to male or female, like any sexual, like, physical intimacy. or female like any um sexual like uh physical intimacy like when i do open myself up to it i'm a fucking i'm the filthiest like most depraved slut like i'm capable of such wild profane acts and i'm not saying that to be like sexual like oh my. No one stands a chance. Like, I am so closed off. My dungeon, of which I'd like to be tied up in, is the walls are built so. It's hard for me to let. I let people in that don't want to are like that can't come in. And that's what I go after.

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to see where you can find Coors Pure. I found mine here in California in Target. Alright? Celebrate responsibly. Coors Brewing Company Albany, Georgia. So going back to God, I mean, like like where do we start? So wanting to be beautiful?

Yeah, like realizing that the game is rigged and it's rigged against girls who aren't cute. And my sister's cute. She's getting opportunities. And you're like, whoa. And I'm like, what am I going to do? So I became obsessed with Jennifer Aniston in 6th grade. That was the first time I was like, okay. Here's someone with my same kind of

coloring. Like I could see myself in her and I'm like, I want to with my like same kind of coloring like I could see myself in her and I'm like I want to be that she's cute she's not overly sexy she's not this like it's just like she's just like oh oh she's just like oh she's like kind of fun and like oh and I just like loved her vibe I was like I'm gonna be her so I was I read I got all the friends books I was in sixth grade I realized she was 25 when she got the role, and I was like, okay, that's my course of life. I'm just going to be – I'm going to be on a show like this with a bunch of my other white people. And when I'm 25, which someone pointed out recently that that would – oh, Bill Maher on his show last week pointed out that Friends now would not exist. And that's why that reunion was kind of like, what's going on?

Where's Annie? That reunion was frightening. I couldn't watch it. I couldn't either. There were some faces I couldn't look at. I was just seeing pictures of it. I was just like, I want everyone to look like happy. Maybe they are happy and their faces can't show it,

and I don't blame anyone for getting work done. I've had work done. Are you really laughing? That's so nice. It's just... Listen, because I agree. I agree. When I get my Botox done, this is my forehead. If we were talking right now, look at my

forehead. Look how good I can do a xylophone. I can wash my intimates on it in the sink at fucking Red Roof. Red Roof, yeah. Yeah, back when in the road days early road days i would go before bob and tom i'd want to smell i had only forgotten i'd forgotten underwear oh my god that is so one time i literally only brought one pair of underwear and i talk about being a whore i was just like having filthy sex for the first time in my life with like the first boyfriend

i got when i was 24 right before the tonight show while i did the tonight the first time in my life with like the first boyfriend I got when I was 24. Right before The Tonight Show. While I did The Tonight Show, he was in my life. Didn't say anything after it aired. Didn't congratulate me. Bad person. Come on. Nothing? Just an addict.

Honestly, just a sweet, sweet addict. But we used to have filthy sex. But one time I was leaving. I had to go somewhere and I needed to wear underwear. And I like, you know, I just like, like they were pretty wet. And I know I hate talking about sex as much because people always comment, that's what she talks about. It's just like really, it's just funny.

And I don't give a fuck. So just don't comment that. I just can't anymore. Oh, she talks about sex. I haven't had sex in two years. No. Yes. Years? Yes. Two years years yes two years i don't lie june 3rd i think 2019 why um i would like to say covid but that only explains a year of it only a half of it so things were no because i decided that i don't have sex outside of uh like i don't

want to have sex until i love someone because it just it put I read the the so wait I'm gonna stop you right there research on it okay you won't don't have sex till you love someone but does that mean that you what if you're dating a guy for six months you really like this dude but you're not in love yet do you fuck then or do you wait for six months I know I'm gonna know I listen I'm a little bit Pete Davidson Ariana Grande love addict like I love I love falling in love it happens fast I believe that I can extend that honeymoon period to as much as possible because I've done the research about like how to keep like that alive because it's it's impossible to keep it the same as it is when you first start meeting and fucking you can't I'm never going to do that.

But there are books that I've read and science behind those books that supports that you can keep your relationship really hot forever if you just follow some simple things that actually already fit into my – What book is that? That's the book I want. I don't give a fuck. You're not going to like this book. You're going to fucking hate this book. Am I? Yeah.

Because the book is about – You're going to – no. book. Am I? Yeah. Because the book is about. It's about manipulating us and figuring out how to do it. No, no, no, no, no. It's not. Then what is it? It's the whole premise of the book is that everyone has to stop coming. Oh, yeah. No. Pass on that.

Is that. Listen to me. This isn't about you don't get to be about to come, which let's talk about it. When you are about to come, that's better than coming. Honestly, that's the anticipation. I know. I know. It's the sweet release.

But if you never release that, and you can in certain ways. Like, listen, I understand you need to get it out. But I think what she says is that you try to limit your release. So it does include masturbation. Self-love. But not like every day. The fact that we're doing this like every day. That's what I look like when all the machinery I have is like.

Dude, I literally. My masturbation routine is so funny. I mean, I really am reluctant to talk about sex so much even though it's my favorite subject. But I have questions to ask him. Because I hate getting pinned as this. But it's so funny. I mean, I really am reluctant to talk about sex so much, even though it's my favorite subject. But I have questions to ask him. It's so interesting, and I think it empowers more women to be... I have a really satisfying sex life by myself. That's what I was about to say.

Is that why maybe you're not looking for someone because you're satisfied in the bedroom by yourself? No, I was recently in a sexual really hot thing for a brief amount of time. And it was, that's where I got my release was in that. And I got to say two weeks into it, like there was one time where we couldn't meet up and I was like, I got to go check on my girls. I was like excited to go visit my girls.

Like, and that's not me talking about my body parts. Like my, my ladies in the dungeons, I got to go refill their water bowls and check in on them because they've been in those dungeons like i my porn stuff is really like kinky and gone down some really weird cellar corridors stockades and shit yeah i mean like i literally i want to produce my own porn because i'm specific about what i like and Produce your own for what you do? I would like to. For yourself, you mean. Because my needs aren't being met.

And I am subscribed to three different porn sites. And I search Pornhub and Spankbang. I don't even know that one. Spankbang is good. Spankbang. HitBDSM.com. That one's good, but the pop-ups fuck you oh yeah i i pay for my porn i feel better about it because the things i watch

these ladies can't be having that good of a time they should get paid for what they're yeah and guess what when i i'm not saying that they're being abused well some of them are but that's in the con that's in the deal that they worked out before. They agree to it on camera with like holding a newspaper. I'm not a victim. And they've checked with them at the end to prove that they survived. Send me a link of what you're fucking into over there. I want to check it out.

Yeah. Well, literally go to kink.com and see what they have. I'm into almost everything they have but my needs are for me to make the perfect thing for myself, I feel like – that's why I like OnlyFans. I'm like, oh, maybe I could just pay someone that I think is hot or resembles me to fuck this other porn star and just tell them, hey, can you recreate this? Can you play out this scenario? And they're believable actors.

So I can come. And will you mic the man i don't want to hear the woman i'll ins like i want to hear her but like some girls come in a different way i do i don't think they're faking it but it's like just different than the way i would do it so it's like gets i'm just like i am too much of you so you should offer an audio option woman only man only or both or or thing. Give them audio options. Yeah. Yeah, but men need to be mic'd. And I know that they're not because men are like, too many stand-up comedians being like,

I don't want to hear the man's coming in my porn. And now all porn companies are like, we can't have the men making any noise. They shan't make a peep. They shan't. But I want guys being like, I want to hear good girl more in porn. I want girls to be tested and push their limits without you being mean to them. Amen. How about you nicely call us a dirty

slut who's not good for anything except having her holes filled? How are you fucking saying everything? I mean, this is my script. Can you not? Can you not? Because literally you never get that. I'm not even like,e like i'm not trying to be funny literally there's no porn where i feel like the guy that is like being the dominant one

or tying girls up there's always like a little bit of aggression like an issue they're working out with well like their sister's thanksgiving plant like something's coming into it where you're like there's like an anger here yeah there's just something looming with a woman that's a woman's message she's asking like she doesn't want the kids to like be around you because you work in the porn industry or there's something like it and so that day he just gives that girl cheyenne some fucking cheyenne uh lips or whatever two peas two peas absolutely two peas and then you look into cheyenne lips or whatever. Cheyenne lips. Two Ps. Two Ps. Yeah, absolutely two Ps.

And then you look into Cheyenne lips. There are some girls. Dude, this is all stuff that's going to end up in my special. So honestly, I'm not doing material. This is just stuff I like to talk about. But these are all things that I've been thinking about recently when I'm approaching going back to stand-up. have to analyze i've opened my eye if i open my eyes to the the bad stuff that happens to have the videos that i enjoy made to women that are like it seems like maybe it's all legal but it's like a little shady and i understand being a woman that finds herself in a situation for work

and you end up doing something extra that you don't want to do like it sounds like you're describing entertainment and comedy also asking me to like make a story to promote this on top of it i'll be like i didn't think this was part of the deal but i'll do it i'm not gonna ask i'm just kidding no of course i'll do it but i was just trying to make it like but yeah there's always like a thing that you do and you go i don't want to fucking do this but i'm going to do it because it's easier that when a guy grabs my ass when we're doing a meet and greet it's easier for me to just let him do it and be done with the picture than it is for me to be like get your hand off my fucking ass and making a whole scene for people walking his wife is there he'll deny it you've had that well i've you know

like i've run the scenario in my head where you accuse someone doing something they'll just deny it they'll just no i wasn't and then it's your word against theirs then i start going maybe he didn't maybe like and who would even want to grab my ass i have such a flat ass like all the i'll start lying to myself i've literally felt guilty sometimes when guys have gone no i didn't i would never grab your ass i'm like i'll never accuse anyone of anything again because you might say that you didn't and you wouldn't like that's my biggest fear is like you think i wanted you it like that's i have this like fear of boys and just people thinking i'm like ugly and like unfuckable and like a dork because – not because I want to fuck guys but because I want to feel value from men for the thing that makes them weak and give me some of their power. Like that's essentially why I want to be hot is not because I want men to want to stick their dicks in me.

Yes, that is great and I hope that the person i end up with is so sexually attracted to me but i don't want that's not my desire is to have men like actually actively trying to fuck me it's like that's not but you can't stop that though also i want them to want to fuck me so that they'll give me some of their money and their opportunities and that's there's. And I'm saying this subconsciously. Like I, I want to be perceived as hot, not because, because it will make me get more money to protect my family and those I love. Like it leads as opposed to being like,

and the thing is, it doesn't take much to be hot. You know what hotness is in the long run, being happy with yourself and being confident with yourself. So whether that confidence is like you get that happy feeling when you're when you're happy you're hot doesn't matter what you look like it truly like it fucks with people's minds when you're because you'll like look like shit and they're just like i remember great amy schumer one time went into a radio station when

she was looking like shit before she was famous and she uh it's one of my favorite sorts she's just like looks as gross as she could ever look on the road in the morning when you're just like half awake she's doing this and she's not like not even into it she's not being like she's actually she's always hilarious so you know she's being funny but she just looks like shit right and she says that she senses like the co-host in the corner just kind of like like staring at her like kind of taking her in and just being like kind of puzzled and just like – and she can just sense it. So when they go to break, she was like, hi, what's going on? Like what's – and he just goes, are you hot?

And it's all because she was funny, confident. and that's what's so great about that i feel pretty movie is because when this girl who is the same girl suddenly has bumps her head and thinks she's hot just being happy with yourself and being like this but the thing is what you do learn is that that being hot does not bring you happiness the hottest i've been or when i thought i was like oh i achieved it yeah when like i'm the hottest like when I thought I'm peaking. I'm not happy. I'm crying on the ground having a spray tan drip off of me and I feel too skinny because whenever you look – like for me, skinny equals hot because it's like you look like a fucking supermodel. And I'm like – when you're really that – like you just resemble what supermodels look like. So you think it's hot.

But skinny for me gets – For you it is. Are you attracted to skinny? Right. But are you attracted to skinny? For men? Yeah. What are you attracted to in a man?

Honestly, I learned recently – I fell in love recently with a person that I would have never picked for myself to – like – but it was instant. Like attraction. I couldn't – like I wasn't like – it took a second to be like, oh, I would want to fuck this guy. And like, you know, I would want to make out with this guy because I could see that, you know, it takes me a really long time to get there with anyone I really like. If they're super duper hot, it doesn't take as long. But I felt something right away. And I ended up thinking this person was like the hottest thing ever and not like in a way that I realized that I – because of someone that was so outside of my type and I found him sexy because – not because – I just found his body sexy because I loved him. Like I understood that love of like I don't – I would never care what you looked like ever. Like I just like your spirit.

Like that – I was like, oh, my God, because I haven't felt that kind of love before. Or you loved for who they are yeah and I realized that I could look like anything and that person would be okay with it like I felt that back and also you could look the hottest you've ever fucking felt and there's gonna be other people out there that go does nothing for me I know it's not

you can't mainly when you're trying to look hot you're trying to appeal to women you know men like women you don't have to do shit for us no listen instagram hotness and all the tricks behind it and all the effort going into being hot it takes so much effort being hot i'm going on bill maher tomorrow and i gave my i have stylists because i just it's such a stressful thing figuring out what to wear and i like looking good and like looking stylish i and i have no confidence

we were outside that lady walked by and said i love your dress oh my god and what did i think she said you need to de-stress yeah like that's what i needed i needed to hear that that was nice and you're like oh you said i wouldn't have said anything better i would have been like fuck you like i would have literally let her and you go that was nice and i go oh my god she said my dress that's so nice and i got this dress at like a really shitty secondhand store because I'm trying not to contribute to like new – I don't like new clothes anymore. I like to like find stuff and like just make it work. But I don't – I'm not good at fashion, so I outsource it. And my stylist – what was it?

Where was I going with this? You were talking about how – what a pain in the ass it is to look hot. My stylist – well, they make it fun. I do a fitting. Like yesterday I had a fitting that was like an hour and 15 minutes long, which is trying on clothes and looking at your naked body, being naked in front of someone else. I'm very comfortable with it at this point. These girls I've been working with forever. But they're like high-end fashion.

They dress like models and pop stars and do Vogue shoots and stuff. They're legit. And I only know them because one of them worked on an MTV MTV show but she just went super like very very style style but I like being around her so I've let them I've had them dress me and I trust them but sometimes it's like really fashion forward stuff which I'm like why not like why do I have to feel guilty about like for instance I went to the I Heart Radio Awards recently a high of my life for sure. I got invited to do it. I was hosting or I was presenting Best New Artist, like the whole category.

And I got asked because the guy that was directing it had like seen me at the MTV Awards and was like, that was good. I'm putting together this thing. Do you want to do it? And I knew him. He was Joel Gallen. He also produced. Yeah, I've worked with Joel. Yeah.

Do you know that he was the director for the Prince Hall of Fame? Yeah, I saw him post that. Yeah. He was there live for that. You've seen that, right? Tom Petty. Prince. I watched that thing once a semester.

I'm still going by school lingo because, you know, I'm still going to school in my dreams. I'm still in college in my dreams running late for the final. That's finally stopped for me. That's really good. That means that you don't have – It went for like 20 years. Like you're not coming up on deadlines that you dread and you're pushing things off. I think that's what it is for me because I'm like you didn't study.

You never went to class. You didn't prepare. You're not prepared and now you have to face it. What are you going to do? I would walk into English and I'm like, well, you're using protractors. Like, how much did I miss? You know. All right.

Let me refocus this. I want to refocus. I know I'm all over the place. No. Let's go back to because we talked about relationships and all of your struggles with hotness. And you talked about you wanted to talk about your first boyfriend which leads to an unfortunate event for a friend oh my god how did you track that that was so good thanks i my panties were soaked and i had to go do it wait that's what the story no like that not now i know but

actually i'm no they're not there. I'm good right now. I did get horny earlier. This is so funny. This happens to women. I got horny earlier in the day yesterday and I guess I've just been so dehydrated because I'm usually in the Midwest just gulping down waters all the time. I guess I don't ever drink water, but out here you feel it. I didn't go to pee from the time it was horny until like eight hours later.

Jesus. I mean, it was a long, I mean, that's not a good sign i know it's it's i know and i had no desire to i finally go pee and like it's like 11 o'clock and i'm like finally back from my set and i'm like whoa i was like oh my god what the fuck who was i around tonight i couldn't i couldn't i was like who did i see tonight that turned me on and it was no one it was from eight hours before i was like oh my god yeah it was just like a uh yeah and sometimes you just forget and you're like whoa what did i do earlier that made me turn on but that but uh so my panties were soaked i was blow drying them i was

probably hung over my boyfriend was probably just like smoking in the hotel room just being like gross and grumpy and not grumpy but just like smoking in the hotel room just being like gross and grumpy and not grumpy but just like just spectrumy i don't know like alcoholic spectrum brilliant very smart genius levels i've never heard anybody call somebody spectrumy listen there's parts of the spectrum that there are there's a lot of spectrum that have subbed me. I feel like I got some little things. Everybody. I feel like everybody, if you really dialed in to every person.

My mom ate a lot of sweet and raw when I was in the U. She also smoked through the whole thing. But I was blow drying them to dry them so I could go perform and not have like soaked underwear but like a hot blow dryer to some funky like wet old underwear it stunk up the room it smelled like pussy so much

like it was like infused like it was a bonfire a pussy bonfire it was a good pussy scent but you don't want it that strong. Yeah, even perfume smells like you don't want a lot of that. You want an eau de toilette. You don't want a perfume. And this was concentrated.

Just pulsing off my wrists. Concentrated hot pussy air. You should be able to do that. I remember closing the door and being like, I'm so sorry, Jeff. And being like, oh my God, this is humiliating. Meanwhile, he did not care. I mean, like. And being like, oh my God, this is humiliating. Meanwhile, he like did not care. I mean like, but sex is disgusting. Everything that goes with it.

That's what I love about it. It's the first time I've ever told that story. Go back to your first boyfriend ever. We were going to talk about him. That's how old you were when this is your first serious boyfriend. No high school boyfriend. Okay. All right.

So that was a little later than I thought. I thought maybe you dated in high school or something no boys liked me but i was scared of boys and so you're a virgin also at 24 21 i lost my virginity but he wasn't a boyfriend no he had a girlfriend it's uh that's a fun uh pattern in my life is going after men who are different kinds of unavailable whether they're in a thing and that's not going that well and like that whole bullshit. And like I really – I'm on my way out. Like let's start hooking up. Like she's – it's a done deal.

Like I'm pretty much single even though we live together in Africa. Live together. I've been there. Yeah. We live together in Africa. Live together. I've been there. Yeah.

Listen, I love this whole idea that like women – I was always wanted to distance myself from the idea that I would be a woman who would hook up with a guy who had a girlfriend or with a wife. I got fingered by a guy that had a wife one time but only because I knew knew i got confirmation that he did it a lot and that she like was cool with it but i was also very young so i don't assume that they're divorced now so it does it's not like my fingering you got some hearsay that he fingered women a lot so you're like one of my friends was like no he hooks up on the road like he's like he's a scoundrel like you get and i didn't do anything to his penis i didn't even like acknowledge it so i feel like accepting a fingering is not me like going – like he's choosing to do this. I'm just laying it out there. And it takes away accountability.

But I do have accountability. And I feel shame about being like I don't – like she's going to be hurt in this no matter what but the thing is so I've always wanted to distance myself from the stories of my past where it was uh dating a guy or hooking up with a guy who had a girlfriend but the truth and the thing is I went many years without doing that and I was like yes I finally over it like I don't do that anymore because that's just like a one-way road to hurt and hurt and something hurting someone else and it's just like don't and i wasn't even attracted to people like i would just be it wouldn't occur to me um and but then i would try to find then i just realized i was going after men that were unavailable in other ways like yeah

sure they were single but they were like incapable of loving me like literally would never say i love you and had made up their mind that that's not something they're ever going to tell someone in life like they had these things up that were like he he can't be everything so it's so how shameful to say but i yeah and i i i i have uh not been uh i have not stopped a romantic relationship if i girlfriends are just like i'm sorry you're just a girlfriend if when I'm a girlfriend I'm gonna have this when I'm a wife I'm gonna have the same fucking roles listen I don't have a problem with my I'm kind of kinky and I'm into hearing about the person that I'm in love with in a safe loving relationship I think I am into like hot husbands like like hot wife you know like oh my

wife like fucks guys and it's kind of hot to me to watch guys want to fuck my wife i like when a guy is fuckable like i like when my guy like girls want him and know that he's like in a relationship and they can't have him even though they'll trick themselves into thinking they might be able to but he's honest with them about him i don't mind if my boyfriend or husband would get a blow job i don't want to hear about it until right before we're gonna fuck and then i want to hear all about it. Or when I want to. Like we have an open communication. But are you going to be upset about it after you fuck? No. No.

No. Because I don't believe. If that person. That they hook up with. First of all. I've never heard of a guy getting a random blowjob on the road. This is a circumstance when it's like you're in another city. You're on a bachelor party or whatever.

If you meet a girl at a bar. She wants to suck your dick. Yeah. I've never heard of a guy getting a blow she wants to suck your dick yeah what i've never heard of a guy getting a blow job and from some random girl on the road that's like a drunken thing that like they're both like partying and then the guy looks down and is like i i need to leave my family and the woman that loves me and ever my whole life it's never gonna happen you said listen i've given those blowjobs and they don't know i commented on that because you said there's never been a bathroom stall blowjob where guys like, fuck yeah.

But I'll put it in a hotel room. I'll put it anywhere. I will – a road blowjob. If that girl – if that girl you suddenly fall in love with and you can't stop texting, you can't stop thinking about, go be with her. Like good. It sucks. Like I recently had my hopes set to be – like I fell in love with someone who was not available and I had hope that they were going to become available. Put a clear boundary being like

I'm done. But if you're ever available, let me know. I'm down. I'm invested. I love you. I would like to try to do this. Don't know if I'm going to like you when you are available. Right. Can't predict. Who knows? Give it a try. If I was a betting lady, I think I'm you. I would like to try to do this. Don't know if I'm going to like you when you are available. Right. Can't predict. Who knows? Give it a try. If I was a betting lady, I think I'm down. Let's take a quick break and tell you about our next sponsor, Stamps.com. The summer is showing welcoming signs of a more normal life ahead.

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think it's going to go, even though everything in my past has led me to believe that it doesn't ever. If things went the way I thought, they never go. I remember saying to myself, I would do podcasts about it to myself or like I would record podcasts to him because it was someone I cut off. Like, I don't want to speak to you until you're available. And so I just like to work through my feelings of like talking to this person and not being able to. And just like I would record things. And I saying one because i would listen back because i'm

trying to write songs about it songs like yeah i'm trying to write like i want to like taylor swift a little bit for the to process my feelings about wow you're a multi you want to do uh direct your own porn you want to produce your songs you're crushing for me like just to process my emotions because comedy is just like a kind of easy way around it for me like to laugh and be honest about these things like it's not getting in there and really like being like poetic about it like there's ways to be poetic in comedy but it always is like you know like it's vulnerable but it's not as vulnerable as being like i love you the first night i met you. That is so...

When people do that... My panties are wet. We accept people go like, Oh, her eyes on a clear blue Georgia night. I wish I had a pair I could throw at your face right now. That's really good. But it's so vulnerable. I think songwriters are so...

Are you going husky like that with it too? It's all I can do. I'm trying to be like I could go husky. That's all. It's really in my range. I'm working on my voice. I'm trying to write songs. And I'm actually, I just play Taylor Swift songs.

I learned the guitar like nine months ago. I started playing. And it's really like been the greatest thing I've ever brought into my life since comedy like obsessed saving me making me feel great about being single having time to play it and like indulge in this new like artistic obsession let's go play on my guitar my pussy tonight i'm good guys dude that is it oh my god that's all'm literally, Ryan, it's so funny that that's literally the two things I vacillate between when I have downtime. I go, should you meditate? And I'm like, no, I'm going to bang out some, like. You should sing while you play with yourself.

Oh my god. Two in one. Oh my, I could just sit on a vibrator and play guitar and test myself. Do the Georgia one again. It was, I saw your eyes on a blue Georgia night. I don't know. I don't know what it said. Will you be devastated if your album did better than your fucking stand up?

No. No. You wouldn't at all. That's all I've ever wanted. This brings us back to Jennifer Aniston. I realized I was not going to be Jennifer Aniston. I realized I was not going to be Jennifer Aniston because I was not cute enough

and I was not a good actress. I didn't get the roles in plays and I wasn't a good enough singer because I tried to sing. I was in acapella. I wouldn't play guitar because my dad's a really good guitarist and he is brutal with his criticism of people that aren't as good as him as a whatever at the time 50-year-old man.

So I was completely discouraged from playing guitar even though I have a natural inclination to pick it up. I'm like, my dad unintentionally made me feel pretty. My dad, all he wants is for us to play music with him. And my sister and I refuse because he's just like... Sing with him. That too. It's just like my dad's such a good singer, such a good guitar player because he's just like sing with him that too like it's just like

my dad's such a good singer such a good guitar player that like he's just too critical but also this is a devastating moment in my life and I I'm only just now realizing it because um I was in acapella I made it and I was like an alto I was pretty good I liked it didn't know how to read music um this is high school and then I started taking singing lessons to like get better and my mom told me one day after doing doing six months of singing lessons that the teacher had called her privately and told her that Nikki doesn't have it. She never will. And that this is a waste of your money. That's terrible.

I mean, I'm not joking you. My mom – I think my mom was pleased to bring me that information. Like, this is a wrap. Because she wanted to go to garage sales on Sunday morning. You think the teacher ever really called and said that? I hope she did. I hope so much that she did. But my parents early on, I used to sing for them sometimes.

And they would go, go sing in the bathroom. It's better acoustics. And I would know what they were doing. And I'd go sing in that bathroom. And I would be crying because I'm like, they just want me to leave the room. So I just got a lot of feedback that I sucked at rhythm. If you could backdoor your fucking music career through comedy, it is the biggest fuck you to that teacher ever. Dude, I can't.

The thing about Taylor Swift, I'm never going to be Taylor Swift. I don't have time. You had a Taylor Swift shirt that night at Superdome. I have lots of Taylor Swift shirts. I don't have time. You had a Taylor Swift shirt that night at Superdome. I have lots of Taylor Swift shirts. I love her so much and I realize that talent like real talent, like being the best at something is obviously a mixture of like

God-given talent, but that's such a small part of it and Taylor Swift has that for music obviously and songwriting. It's just like something in this deeply empathetic, like very vulnerable. Like she's she's just smart. And but she she's just like the right things were at play for her to be what she is. I'm so grateful all of that happened.

But I do realize that you can work hard enough and do the same things that these people do if you just put in the hours. And like I'll – so I'm starting right now with guitar. Like I'm half in. I'm about to get like bit full in where I like bring someone to train me on the road and like really commit some like long hours because I got to catch up to – like it's going to be embarrassing if it's shitty. Like I want to be good. I care about it like comedy, but I'm as bad as when I started comedy.

I'm just older. But if I – when I'm 50 and 13 years, I can be fucking great at songwriting. When Taylor Swift was 13 years into songwriting, when she started when she was 13. A start or expiration date. But I always think of like Jennifer Aniston by 25. Taylor Swift – like I'm not talking about age anymore. It's like I have enough life ahead of me where I could totally have a career as a pop artist or a songwriter at least.

Has anyone outside of Eddie Murphy ever gone from comedy to music for real? Like stand up. Not Weird Al always being in the comedy music genre. I don't want to make it comedy songs. I don't think so. I think maybe people have attempted to like rap. Childish Campino. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. And his shit's so good. We allow him to be multifaceted. I'm just a little like it's just too vulnerable. I can't wait to get to a place where I'm comfortable saying on a clear door tonight I can't wait Tom Lane in my pickup truck

You came to my window in the bed with a sleeping bag smoking a joint listening to you do sound a lot like Melissa Edwards. I did it there. The thing is I can do good impressions of good singers, but I don't have my voice yet. That's the thing. It's like comedy. You got to find your voice.

Where I am with my voice, I don't know. Yeah, that's interesting. I just mimic whoever I hear on the radio, and I do a pretty good job of it. I can sing some songs really well, but I can't take what I did in that song to my own stuff. Yeah. But I'll figure it out because it takes 10 years. Let's go back to our first boyfriend. Why did you allow Jeff to be a boyfriend?

What was it about this guy where you finally said, all right, I'm going to have a relationship? He was the best joke writer on the scene. Okay. Very sexy. Like, just so funny that just too smart for the room. Brilliant jokes where you're like, holy fuck. Like I'm saying, like just there's something special about his brain. And I just loved his jokes.

And they seemed like flawless. He still is a guy that I, when I do roasts and I send him what I want for roast jokes, like give him the themes that I'm going for. He's gotten in the most jokes of all the people that I ask. I treat the roast roast like it's a writer's room because it's like the biggest performance you can have as a comedian so I send all my like funniest friends he doesn't even do comedy anymore I don't think maybe he does stand-up I hope he does he nails that oh they're so but he just his mind is sick and I was just like horny for it and he was just like aloof and I think I think I always get the word aloof wrong

but he was just kind of like didn't I'd like win him over to be like yeah but he's just like aloof and I think I think I always get the word aloof wrong, but he was just kind of like didn't I like win him over to be like, yeah, but he's also like a dork kind of he was like an outsider, but awkward, just weird social skills. And then he really just like he kind of just like grabbed me one night and like kiss me and I needed that to happen. I needed to be like kind of man. I hate to say it like i needed someone to like go in because i don't i was so scared to put myself in those situations and make the first move i've since changed the way i am with men this all of this is predicated by the fact that my first kiss which was late already i was 16 okay and um i wanted to kiss boys so much i was like obsessed with dave matthews i would just like like just didn't even know – I didn't know about orgasming.

I didn't have my first orgasm until I was 22. And so I didn't know about that. I didn't masturbate until I was even beyond that. So I wasn't like – but I was horny like so much. Didn't know anything about it or what to do with it. But I just wouldn't let myself like be around boys because my mom kind of scared me. I think my mom gave me a talk early on like you'll get raped or like I just wouldn't let myself like be around boys because my mom kind of scared me I think my mom gave me a talk early on like they're like you'll get raped

or like I just sensed that maybe something happened to me when like I'm reading about people who have it's been uncovered that they've been molested but they don't remember it like it was so young that they don't make a memory my stuff kind of fits that so maybe something

it doesn't have to be like a full-on baby raping like a doctor could have a raping like i a doctor could have a gross doctor could have slipped a finger is that right dude child molestation you have to like really um open yourself up to the horrifying truth of it because child abuse can happen within seconds like you turn your back and there can be an image created that winds up on the dark web that someone who is with your child naked in a bath. A relative that you trust. You go grab a towel. Images are created.

Disgusting images are created within 10 seconds to a baby. And you would never even know. A baby. I mean this is sick shit. It is. And the weirdest part about this. This is a phenomenon. I heard this on Sam Harris' podcast.

Child pornography. It's something like 5 percent of the general population consumes child pornography on a regular basis that's a real statistic and it's not because all those people are pedophiles and are sexually attracted to children all right this is the interesting part a lot of those people are end up there because of porn extremes like which is i'm on a spectrum of porn extremes listen i didn't get into porn thinking i was going to be into women tied up and like had bags put over their head like some weird shit that you see and you go why would i ever want that and then you're watching it in two months there's a there's a fine line

so these people that seek out extreme stuff beheading video like the stuff that really tests the fucked up stuff you see um it ends up in child porn that's the most depraved so these guys end up there not because they want to fuck kids which pedophiles do and that's why they end up there but a lot of those people now that make up five percent of the general population are just like it's one end of the extreme so that's why you got to be careful and yeah it's just it's like the worst stuff and i'm like it's so funny because i don't have kids i don't but i've read about and like i'm not someone to be like i was probably molested it would make my life easier if i found out it was because i would be like okay it's not me it was that guy it was that gross doctor it was i wouldn't even blame my parents i'd be like they

did their best but it was like it was these guys are slick dude it's not your fault if you're molested and like i wouldn't it's not i wouldn't but that's the thing is people go nikki it's not your fault you're anorexic it doesn't it doesn't make it doesn't make me feel like it's not my fault deep down i feel i did something i know most people aren't it's not their fault but i chose this and the truth is you don't it's just being unlucky if you get any of these if these things happen to you but yeah like i have my first kiss was assault too it was fucking terrible i like this guy so much he was like a really close friend he was so high he was in the grade above us not really popular but like edging like on the edge of popular.

Definitely one of the hottest guys in school. Like just bleached blonde, surfer dude, tall, funny. And he was my friend. And all of my friends, like not all my friends. My one friend, Taylor, she really liked him too. And we were both always just like, oh, Andy. But I wasn't, she had hooked up with guys and maybe had sex. I don't think she had sex at this point. But she was like going after him harder than I was.

I think they hooked up one night when we were camping. It doesn't matter. We became friends. And one night Andy and I were at his place after a football game. We were both on the pep squad and we'd been flirting all night. It's like, but I had never been kissed. So I had told a boy previously that I liked him. And I thought I was going to get my first kiss that night.

That was in 10th grade. I was in love with this guy who just was my closest like outlet to dave matthews because he could play guitar like dave matthews and he loved dave matthews as much as me so it was like i just loved doug reese we called him we called him 98 doug reese because that band was hot at the time that's fucking great so doug reese i was obsessed it was like my identity in high school i was like i, I love Dave Matthews. Everyone knew I loved him. He was my best friend. That might be the best fucking nickname. Dude, isn't that great?

That is fucking great. My friends were funny. That's like my, I think that was probably Kirsten. Same thing with me. Growing up, all my friends were funny. They're so funny. They're funny. They're still so funny.

Always. It's really, I always used to be so jealous of them because I thought they were going to end up on SNL and that's what I secretly wanted. And I was just like, God, they're just like braver than me to say things. And eventually I got to like harness all their like mannerisms and things that make me who I am now. But yeah, I was in love with Doug Reese. And one day I was like, I need to tell him like we'd been hanging out forever. And it was just like I was pining. And I was like, I'm going to tell him we're going to go over to his house.

He lives in my neighborhood. We're in his basement studying for chemistry. I'm not even focusing. And before this, Kirsten, my best friend since fourth grade, she had kissed some boys and, like, hooked up and probably had oral sex at this point. Sophomore year? Junior year? Sophomore year. And we were hanging out at my house. I'm like, I'm going over to Doug's.

I'm going to tell him. I have to tell him. Like, I can't take this anymore. He's not going to say anything. And she was – I was like, but – and then we're going to kiss. Like, I know he's going to be into it and we're gonna kiss and she i was like but what if i'm bad like what if i'm bad like i don't know and she was like kiss me i'll tell you if you're bad and i was like okay we made out i didn't even realize that was my first kiss i literally didn't realize until like

20 years later i'm not joking you i was on a podcast and i was like oh my god that's your first kiss that was my actual first kiss i I told Doug I liked him later that day. He had just gotten a girlfriend from a private school, so I got shut down. I convinced him to break up with her. I pined for him for months when he was with this girl. Six months. I was like, I love Doug and he's with Catherine! And I just throw myself around the hallways.

Everyone knew I loved him. And he even knew. It was just so... I loved him so much. And then one day his best friend told me in the barnes and noble barnes and noble parking lot uh like we would go there at night and like hang out it was like our central perk you know and we were in the parking lot and he was like doug broke up with catherine and i was like really i started like crying i was like

i remember jumping around and then we were walking back to the cafe to keep reading magazines we didn't buy and uh you know buying chai lattes on our parents credit cards and as i were walking back to the cafe to keep reading magazines we didn't buy and buying chai lattes on our parents' credit cards. And as I'm walking back, I realize I do not like this guy anymore. Something just happened. On the walk? It just clicked. He's on his way up here. And I was like, no, I don't like him anymore.

What the fuck? There's exactly where your fucking unavailability is born oh my god you liked him when he was unavailable yeah and that scared me that and then as soon as he was it's scared and then throughout my life i have said it's a become uh attracted to men and then something happens and i become like like repulsed like the it's flipped so and it's the worst feeling because sometimes you are in a sexual relationship with this person and you're going through emotions and you're having sex with someone you like like are repulsed by and you don't know why like something they did it's like

you just feel like icky and i've had to stop in the middle of sex and be like i this is so harsh to say tell me you've said this is something you've actually said well i did this to a guy one time i was a little too high to be having sex and i and i already was like not really i was looking at him as more of a friend and it just felt like fucking a friend it just felt icky like it just felt no i don't he loves me too much it was like and i was like i i have to stop you have to get out of me like you gotta get out of me and he was like what and like that's how i said it yeah i was like you need to get out of me. And he was like, what? And like, that's how I said it. Did you really? Yeah, I was like, you need to get out of me. You got to get out of me.

You got to get out of me. I'll tell you. Grab your go bag and get out of me pretty quickly. Get your balls out of me. Because this is beginning. Get the shit out of here. I can't even believe it. I mean, that's the softer thing of what I really want to say, which like, if I let this

continue, and I have already for like 30 seconds after I didn't want it, at this point, I'm raping myself with you. Myself. I'm using you to rape myself. It was me betraying myself. And I couldn't do it.

So I don't let myself do that anymore. Listen, please, if you don't, that has to go into your stand. Raping myself with you. It's a little harsh,

but yes, it's true. That's two rape jokes you can get away with. Oh, man. harsh, but yes, it's true. You just two raped Joshi to get away with. Oh, man. Yeah, the first one on The Tonight Show, by the way,

was I, you know, I'm 21, whatever. In college, I like dated a lot of frat guys. My friends were like, don't date them. They're douchebags.

And I was like, they're not that bad. The guy I actually dated, he was like so sweet because he waited to like the third date before he leaned in to rape me.

And so that was, that's on The Tonight Show. And you got that on the tonight show. But it's all true. The guy that I ended up kissing, he was my friend after the football game. We're at his place. Mitch Hedberg was on Letterman that night. It was the first time I saw Mitch Hedberg. We were watching it. We were like, oh my god, so funny. We're hanging out

in his parents' living room, which we had done a lot at that point. At one point, he just goes, I like you. And I was like, it caught me by surprise. I didn't like you. And I was like, oh, what? Like, it was caught me by surprise. Like, I didn't see this coming. I was like, really?

I was like, okay, well, I like you too. And he was just like, okay, all right, well. And it was kind of, like, awkward. And he's like, so I can, like, ask you out sometime? And I was like, yeah, yes. Like, I was like, oh, my God. And then he leapt from the couch, from his, his like the barco lounger to the couch i was on and like just made out with me like fast that was my first kiss from a guy and it was just like

i was like no no no like what are you doing like no and like pushed him off and he was so embarrassed that that had been my response that he like went ran into the kitchen was like fuck fuck and like was like slamming cabinets i did he was making a lot of commotion in the kitchen being like such a fucking idiot and i was like andy calm down it's not that big of a deal like i was just like sorry i was like got scared i was like trying to like make it better and that wasn't the bad part was him telling him to get off like he got off me that was fine that happens like you it was a little too aggressive but it's a young guy the reaction afterwards though he apparently was chugging like whatever he could find liquor he could find and then eventually I

was like will you drive me home like I don't know where you're what you're doing but this is weird I need to go home and um he drove me home he was going like 75 like in a 30 like just being so dangerous like in a dangerous car just like and i didn't know he was drunk but just being like really like so scary on the way home and then when i got out at my house he took off before my other foot was like out the door and i like almost fell down and the door like closed on my like hit my leg and i just go fuck you and i'd never have that like ever and i screamed that in the night like that's how i was not like that type of girl and I was just like the next day I had to be on a float with him all day at this green tree festival and it was like he wouldn't talk to me so it just I am always scared of of make love a guy of being

a tease and having a guy be like fucking you like you do like I've had an ex-boyfriend go you do this to guys Nikki you get them to love you and then you throw like then you do, like, I've had an ex-boyfriend go, you do this to guys, Nikki. You get them to love you, and then you throw, like, then you change your mind. It's like, I didn't choose to not be attracted to you anymore. I quit drinking, and I saw you clearly for who you are. And I still fuck you when I'm sober because I already have fucked you, and it doesn't, it's not as scary to me because new dick is scary, and yours I've already seen. That's why I want to sleep with you again. Not because I want to cause you pain. I only want to cause pain to men who have

hurt me and actually I don't even want to do that anymore. I really don't have this vendetta like I used to. I just got my heart kind of crushed. You said literally this morning. Yeah, I got word that a thing I had hope for is like a lot of hope for is dead in the water.

And I was like, I literally got the text and I go, thank you. Like what a gift to keep this person out of my life, to put, to retard this flame right now is going to make me so open to so many other things because I was holding out hope for that. So I'm glad it went away. But generally when I get rejected or and I haven't been communicated with well and not really respected like this situation, I tend to get like vindictive and I just don't want to do that this time because I try to see now how in pain people are and how their choices are truly not about me. I can get there and be like, this isn't because I'm not lovable or I wasn't good enough to have this person make changes in their life that would accommodate my – it's not – I don't need to make it that and I haven't. And the biggest part of not making it that, the key to getting over a guy who you're in love with, who you are like – have told you want to spend your life with or at least give it a chance.

I was like, let's get married for two years. I'll be out before I'm 40. I'll be like still hot. I will have done it. I'll know what not to do. Two years. I literally – I will not feel like that's a success

I don't think marriage has to last forever like yes we hope it does but it doesn't mean it's a failure if it fails two years though no I agree with that these people are like

we've been married 15 years I'm like that's fucking that's a long time that's amazing that's so long that means I was successful for six of those years but like

let's wrap this up I know there's kids and money and situations and emotional abuse. I get it. I'm lucky that I have not entered into a marriage with someone at this point

with what I know. And I'm grateful. But I would do it. And I would protect myself in it, going into it. But I'm so down to like fall madly in love and have it just like burn out.

That's what this felt so good because I never, here's the key, I never had sex with this person. Oh, okay. I fell in love and have it just like burn out. That's what this felt so good because I never, here's the key, I never had sex with this person. Oh, okay. I fell in love, no sex. I did not give myself fully to him because he wasn't mine at like when I was still, he wasn't able to be fully invested in me.

So he didn't get to have sex with me. Very, very hard to do, to not have sex with someone that you are dying to have sex with me very very hard to do to not have sex with someone that you are dying to have sex with and you know like but that based on the research i've gone through like biologically you get like addicted to someone when their dick is in you and you shouldn't let it in anyway but listen there's only so many ways to get a guy off and if you're taking penis and vagina off the table you got to put it in other ways if you're hooking up. So I was hurt when it fell through. But because I didn't have that chemical attachment that happens when you like have a penis in you and the thing that I'm saving for love, when that goes away, it's devastating. But I didn't get that.

So I'm like the withdrawal. It was like quitting smoking. It was like the effects of like I long for his smell were after like seven days i stole a pillowcase from his hotel room and i smelled it to to re-up the love i'd be like like remember that you love this person because hold on they might come through and then i was starting to smell kind of like i don't really like this and then some days i would be like ovulating so it was like and but'm going to throw it out when I get home. I'm over it.

Will I? We don't know. Stay tuned for the next my next appearance on The Honeydew. I had to look at the sign to make sure it was The Honeydew. It is. You got it. We never got to the story you wanted to talk about with your friend. No, we got to so much good stuff. I know. I'll come back for that. I'm saying

come back for that. Yeah. Okay, so now I'm going to ask you what I ask everybody their first time. After everything we've talked about, what you know, and especially that age, the pivotal age of 16, what advice would you give to your 16-year-old self? God. god now i i honestly my initial one before we started because you told me this was um there's gonna be a girl named taylor swift someday that just wait for her and like as soon as she comes out like seek out female songwriters who there's someone out there that's speaking your pain and your truth like look for them look beyond the beatles and dave matthews and like go deep with music can help you through this right now in a way that you don't even know because taylor swift isn't born yet there's some others that'll do in

the meantime and nikki you're meant to be a songwriter you really are and you need to do everything you can to do it and if that means becoming a famous comedian that can pay for people to like pay for people to pay attention to you and like uh be nice to you when you suck at guitar like if that's the environment you have to make for yourself to like pursue a pop star career or whatever you want like a songwriting career um do it because that's really the dream like i want to i love being able to communicate via podcast like i would never give this up i might give it up to actually be a singer oh yeah you'd have to trade you could just help so many people with your like music just heals in a way that comedy sometimes does it just doesn't no way

it does comedy is so challenging you have to like write all the time and it's so great because you can process stuff in real time but real time with bill maher this friday oh wait no i was over here feeling those dead see you're on the georgia blue sky i was feeling it listen i've got some i got some things to say inside me and i i've got poet poetry in my soul and i might might release stuff under a pseudonym but i would tell also uh nikki Nikki to look into meditation. To a 16-year-old Nikki, like investigate meditation and consciousness and Sam Harris. Because when you discover that – and your dad's not right about everything. I know you think he is, but he's not.

He's got some things wrong, and that's not because he's not an intelligent, awesome person. But he's – they're very – your parents are wrong on a lot of stuff. And that doesn't make them bad people. That's right. Which it'll take longer to learn that too. Thank you for coming on here, and thank you for being fucking awesome. I wish I could hang out with you all day. You're the best.

You are too. Please plug everything you'd like to plug too. Your show, all that. Nikki Glaser podcast. Please just subscribe, you guys. I'm not – it's pretty much like this. If you enjoyed this, you'll like it.

The Nikki Glaser podcast with Andrew Collin, who you will hear on this podcast as well so soon. He's so funny. He's my roommate and my podcast co-host.

We film it where we do the podcast from a spare bedroom in our apartment in St. Louis. And then, Fuckboy Island, F-Boy Island,

sorry, on HBO. Tune into that. If you like reality TV and F-Boy Island, sorry, on HBO. Tune into that. If you like reality TV and you enjoy dating shows, this one's wild. It's a show with... I forget what I can say about it contractually. I think it's a lot of men that are either a fuckboy or an F-boy,

sorry, or a nice guy. And then these girls that are looking for love have to figure out who is who. And listen, I learned a lot on this show. Did you? Yeah, I learned a lot about myself and I learned who is who and listen i learned a lot on this show did you yeah i learned a lot about myself and i learned a lot about men and i learned a lot about reality tv and it's awesome that was the best thing i ever did was that show the most fun i've ever had watch me have the best time of my life if you want to watch someone having a good time while they're making tv which is rare to find on tv by the way you know like know, like, it's people are mostly just, like, sometimes phoning

it in, but they're good at it. Like, I was actually having a genuine amazing time on the show. Alright, I'm gonna watch it. It's so fun and weird. Yeah. FBoy Island. Thank you. And my tour. See you out there. Thank you. Yeah, and go see Nikki live. As always, Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com. We'll talk to you all next week.