The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Paige Ginn - HoneyPaige

Episode Date: June 13, 2022

My HoneyDew this week is comedian, Paige Ginn! (The Viral Podcast) Paige Highlights the Lowlights of multiple suicides and her fear of death. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler  SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew  SPONSORS: Athletic Greens -Get a FREE 1 year supply of Vitamin D and 5 free travel packs with your first purchase when you go to https://www.AthleticGreens.com/HONEYDEW  Everlywell -Get 20% off an at-home lab test at https://www.Everlywell.com/HONEYDEW  SoFi -Visit https://www.SoFi.com/HONEYDEW to learn how you can win up to $1,000 in stock when you open an account

June shows coming up. June 24th, I'm in Des Moines, Iowa, one night only. June 25th, headed to Omaha, Nebraska, one night only. And back at Brea, California, June 30th, one night only as well. Get your tickets to those shows and all shows at ryansickler.com. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Night Pant Studios. I'm Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all your social media.

Thank you all for the support of this show. It continues to grow monthly. I can't thank you enough for that. Please subscribe to the YouTube channel. It's right there. Boom. It's free. It really helps out a lot.

Get those motherfucking numbers up. You know what I'm saying? Y'all the Patreon, the honey do with y'all. It is it is a joy to sit and talk to y'all. All right. We're coming up here on I don't know how many episodes now, and that continues to grow every month too. And you guys do not let me down. The stories are unstoppable.

If you're in on it, sign up for the year, get over a month free. It's $5 a month, and you're getting the Honeydew a Day Early ad free at no additional cost. All right, now, you know what we do over here? We highlight the lowlights. I always say these are the stories behind the storytellers. It is a pleasure, ladies and gentlemen, to have here for the very first time. Please welcome Paige Jin. Welcome to the Honeydew, Paige. Thank you. I'm giving you that love. Thank you very much.

We've been hanging for a while. I feel bonded with you. I do feel bonded. This is the first podcast I've ever been on. For real? Yeah. Outside of yours? Yeah. But you guys have a huge fucking following and you've never been a guest on any other podcast? No. Well, shit. It's a pleasure then.

I was supposed to join a couple, but it just never worked out. All right. So here I am. Well, here you are. Give him that five bucks, please. All right. Well, before we begin, please promote everything and anything you'd like. All right. Put it all out there.

Got my Instagram at Paige Jen. And then Facebook, same. Twitter, Paige underscore. Oh, shit. I think it's two underscore. We just won't promote the Twitter. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah.

Just Paige Jen. That's it. And your podcast. And the podcast, the viral podcast with Chelsea Lynn. That's right. We do weekly podcasts, and it's just so much fun. Just talking, you know, just sitting here and talking. I love it.

And you guys have a connection that is, I think, is what makes podcasts that are like your special. You have that rapport. You have that second hand. You just, like like read each other um the first video i mean i've known chelsea for a minute now but the first video i saw you in was the viral video where you farted purple powder and i told you earlier it's like for me it's like the sopranos anytime the sopranos comes on i watch it anytime that video pops up i'm watching you oh god it is great it is fucking great people love the powder out of the ass it's not you i know you've seen it but if you haven't seen it go watch that that's on the instagram hopefully

it doesn't get deleted they've been going through my page deleting shit they really have yeah even old stories how do you know do they notify you or is it just gone when you wake up? Yeah, I just wake up and then I get on Instagram and it goes, your account may be deleted. And then, yeah, then they go through my account when I'm sleeping and delete shit. And then I have to review the post and never gets brought back. That's crazy. Yeah. I hope they don't get that purple fart vid, though. Oh, man.

It lives everywhere at this point, though. Yeah. It's not going to be defeated. Yeah, keep sharing that. Frick. All right, so I want to get to know more about you because I really don't know much about you. I'm a fan, a huge fan. I laugh at your shit nonstop.

You guys are great. Thank you. And tell me a little bit about yourself. Growing up, you said you're one of eight kids, right? Yes, I'm the youngest of eight. And I just growing up. You said you're one of eight kids, right? Yes, I'm the youngest of eight. And I just grew up in Utah. Dushane, Utah.

Nuh-uh. Yeah. Dushane? Dushane. So the population is around 1,700. Please say your high school mascots the douchebags. Pretty much, but the Eagles, yeah. Yeah, same shit.

But yeah, 1,700 people in the town. My graduating class was like, I think 32. 32? Yeah, so it's like ninth grade through 12th grade, 400 people. Y'all, everyone knew everyone. Everyone knew everybody's business, that kind of shit. Yeah, everyone knows who everyone's fucking, you know, the whole nine yards. And you're the youngest, so your siblings before you have already trailblazed a path of good or bad through these schools that you're about to attend. Yeah, mostly like, oh, I fucked your sister, you know, those types of things.

Are you serious? Yeah, you already know, though, you know, because I've already heard it by the time they tell me. those types of things. Are you serious? Yeah. You already know, though, because I've already heard it by the time they tell me. That's the type of town I grew up in. But yeah, so my dad had four kids with his first wife and then four kids with my mom. So yeah, my oldest sister is going to be 50 this year. And how old are you? I'm 27.

So there's, what, 23 years between you guys? Holy shit. Something like that. That's a lot of years. Mm-hmm. Okay. Are you close at all? Yeah.

Oh, good. All of us. So my parents are actually still close, too, and my mom is remarried. So, yeah, my parents got divorced when i was why they just you know grew differences like my dad is wild like he's probably the reason why i'm like blowing the farts out of my ass you know all crazy and my mom's just like very my mom's just like very just to herself and like the sweetest woman ever but what does your mom think about the stuff you do she's just like can you please quit saying like oh my pussy like

because her friends play it at work and yeah yeah she's always texting me that like hey how do i block you on snapchat because like it just goes off like if, if I'm, like, going like, ah, just to throw people off. But, yeah, she's kind of used to it by now, you know. Your dad love it, though? Yeah, my dad just, he loves it. We grew up with him just being the most crazy. He loves to get laughs out of people. So, yeah, that's, yeah, that's where I got the shit coming from.

So, what's it like being the youngest of eight? Are you being watched by your siblings a lot growing up? And is it like just a lot of in and out and like all hands on deck or nah? Yeah, like our older sisters would pretty much let us get away with anything. And we would love to, like i would prank my sisters like doing what like with the fake falls that's kind of how i started fake falling and that's like how my social media grew but yeah i would like run and have like my pants fall down to my knees and just like topple over and like fake cry and i'd do this in walmart or something turn around and like

all of my family would just be scattered they wanted nothing to do with yeah they're like fuck this so yeah they always kind of knew i would be like the class clown and pulling pranks and shit but they were the best sisters ever what's some of the shit you feel like maybe you got introduced to a little early oh everything yeah alcohol how are you when you had your first drink oh i think my brother like dared me to take a shot of vodka when i was like 12 damn yeah and he's like and i was like i don't feel anything he's like take another one pussy so i yeah and then like you know i'd go up on top of the roof and we'd like find our aunt's old cigarette butts and try to light them spark them up on the roof that's where she's smoking too no not her we would just find her butts on the ground you know i thought

you meant they were up there where she was yeah we were like trouble like we would be watching her smoke like damn hopefully she doesn't finish all that, you know. Go light them up on the roof. But, yeah, our sisters would drop us off at Padres games. And, yeah, they were awesome. It's the best having older siblings. Did you share a room? For a little bit. But being the youngest, all my siblings were out of the house by then you know yeah they're

always like you lived the best life out of all of us you're the baby but i was also like kind you know to my mom and because i saw what my mom went through with all of my siblings so i wanted to be kind of good you know now i wanted to talk to talk to you about driving because you said there was an incident and you don't drive. Is that right? Or you do drive? Because I wanted to ask you about who helped you drive when you were a kid. Did your siblings take you out for hours and let you drive their cars and shit? My sister had a stick shift, so she would always teach me how to drive it.

Do you know how to drive a stick? Yeah. Hell yeah. My first car was a stick shift, so she would always teach me how to drive it. Do you know how to drive a stick? Yeah. Hell yeah. My first car was a stick shift. What was your first car? An Acura. No. Yeah, a Honda.

Wait, what is it? A freaking Honda. Same shit. Yeah, same freaking shit. Yeah, one of these little Honda things, and it was a stick shift. And then now I have an Acura, but yeah. I love the old stick shift. Until I get on a hill, it's a stick shift and then now i have an acura but yeah i love the old stick shift until i got get on a hill it's a little scary yeah it is yeah don't like it so what happened with what with the driving oh well the reason why i don't like to drive is i i would say a little bit of the

anxieties pop up you know and I think it stems from when I was in ninth grade, my best friend's dad got in a car accident and passed away. So it's just like, I don't know if that's why, like, it's not even driving. Like, even if I'm in a car, I'm like, always like freaked out. If you like stop last minute, you know, I'm using that invisible brake on my side, like pushing into the floor and i'm trying to work through some shit now or if i'm in a smaller car like i got a ride back with tom's manager back to la when we went out and did the riverside show that you guys came

to and didn't say hi or anything to you oh yeah sorry that's okay we don't want to bug you but um you would never but um i sat in the back for the hour and like whatever, half ride. And man, I just tried to go to sleep because it just feels tight and shit back there. Like I don't like it either. But I haven't had that. Yeah. So he died from the crash? Yeah.

And you were close? Yeah, we were super close because that tiny town I grew up in, Dushane, Yeah, we were super close because that tiny town I grew up in, Dushane, me and my best friend only lived like two, three minutes away from each other. So I was always at her house. You know, when your parents or your friend's parents start becoming your parents, like that's kind of how it was. So I don't know. How did you find out? So I don't know. How did you find out?

I was at school and then the teacher like came and got me and was like, hey, you're going to have to go home and like told me. And yeah, they just like took care of me because everybody in the town knows who, you know, an ambulance leaves the town and you're like, you'll know the news in seconds, you know. And they probably know the people they're picking up. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, that is true. So what kind of anxiety do you get from driving? Gosh, I just, I don't even know how to explain it. I just hate being the driver because I feel like I'm liable for, like, everybody in the car.

That's going through your mind when you're driving. Yeah, I'd rather just drive by myself myself i never drive if somebody else is around and now like everybody in our group knows that i fucking hate driving because of that reason but yeah just i'm always on the lookout like slow down do this too no no i haven't yeah let's knock on that wood there that's real wood no i love real wood so you're you're a little bit of a slow down do all that shit that's my grand my grandmom never had a license but my grandmom would tell you how to fucking drive everywhere you want oh yeah i am a great passenger seat driver i'll give myself that one no i know how to drive too too, but fuck. It's scary out there, especially in L.A.

It is nuts out here. It is crazy driving out here. People don't give a fuck. They're cutting you off. They don't care either. I don't like it. And my eyesight's not the best, too. I just shouldn't be out on the roads anyway.

Day or night. Day or night. Day or not, baby. Yeah. Day or night. Yeah. Yeah. That should be the sole problem.

Yeah. So did you have anxiety then, or just the small car? Like, cause I do feel comfortable in a bigger vehicle. for sure. I talk about it in my act now too. And again, it's not because I have any extra money or anything,

but I've always taken like try to take an Uber XL or something like that. I just feel safer in a bigger car and I don't want to, I just don't want to die in a stranger's Prius. You know what I mean? Have the jaws of life dragging me out of that fucking tin can. Let's get a bigger car out there. None of these people are driving like they should be driving for fucking a company as their profession oh hell no yeah i i don't even think you need an application you just show up just show up and hop in the car

put up the map there's another thing i want to talk to you about and i know it's a serious subject but we talked before the show and you mentioned one of the lowlights being a friend's suicide. Mind going into that? Yeah. So when I graduated from high school in 2013, I moved out here to California. Well, I moved to San Diego and I got a call and my, one of my best friends committed suicide. From back in? From back in, yeah, from back in Duchesne. So we grew up together like doing dance and, you know, just then she stopped. We stopped doing dance and then I started doing sports and she's like, I'm going to do the drill team. But she lived like 30 miles out of town, like pretty far. And drill team's like five in the morning.

So she would stay the night, like every night because I live close to the school. And she even switched schools to be closer to like me and stuff. And then, yeah, once I moved out here, I got the call and yeah. Who called you? My mom called me and was like, Courtney committed suicide. And yeah. And just in the craziest way possible how she ran and jumped off a cliff no yeah i've never heard that yeah ever yeah so a cliff and like i've never had

like therapy for it and like nothing so i'm like i don't know how to grieve or like that's eight years ago yeah nine years ago yeah 2022 now it's just like i don't i feel to grieve. That's eight years ago. Yeah. Nine years ago. Yeah. 2022 now. It's just like, I don't, I feel like I've never really like, just, I don't know how to, how to even go about it. And then like, just from just moving to San Diego and then having that all happen back home. And then it's like, what do I do? Or like how, death is so weird to me anyway. So why would it,

what about it? I don't like, I think I'm afraid I'm afraid of death. I feel like just maybe like too afraid of it. And I'm like, okay, well maybe that's cause like my best friend's dad died and my, one of my best friends committed suicide.

Like maybe I feel like, Oh, your life could just be taken like that so maybe that like triggers something i like anxiety when you drive yeah like anxiety yeah day or night blind or not yeah just how old was she courtney yeah she was my same age but yeah 18 she was actually younger than me so like yeah and she was she ran and jumped off who found her how the fuck do you even know was it days later was this like like same day they found her car parked up there and then there's a place you had been with her before is a hangout spot no so

like um in high school she moved to a different school, which is only 30 minutes away. It's called Roosevelt. And so she started doing drill team over there and was the drill team captain and just was going to do so much in life. And then just. What happened? I still don't even know. She got into a little fight with her mom. And then I think her mom took her phone and then just.

Everyone's 100% sure nobody else was there to make this poor girl fly off that cliff. That's what they say. Yeah. It's nuts. And I don't know how to get closure, you know, from that. And like, I don't know how to go about it. Death is so weird to me. And I just feel like maybe I need to accept it.

Do you accept it? Yeah, I have to. So many people fucking died sooner or later. You're going to be like, all right, we just got to accept this shit. Yeah, I accept it. I mean, here's the thing about death for me. You'll never forget it, but you do get better with it over time. But you got to put work in if you really want to.

So if you want closure from that, you've got to do something about that. Yeah. It's not just going to come. It's not like fucking something's going to happen where you're like, there it is. I got the closure. You have to go actively seek it out. Like work through it. All right, so talk to me about this.

Let's talk about you get that call. Do you go home for the funeral? Mm-hmm. And tell me all about that. Yeah, I just, I flew home. Like you're just fresh into San Diego. Yeah, fresh into San Diego. Like seriously, like the week.

And I just dropped to my knees and was crying and i my mom's like i got you a flight come home so i just hopped on the plane went home went to a funeral and then just like i came back because i already started just you know my life out here and i just it's such a like i mean did you you were close to her parents? Yeah. Super close to her parents. Like her mom used to just take us all around to like toilet paper houses when we were young. Yeah. Yeah. She has a bad-ass mom.

Yeah. And like, yeah, she was freaking bad-ass, but yeah, I feel like I haven't even really reached out to her mom how I want to, you know? And I haven't seen her mom, like, just from the funeral. Like, I haven't. I just, it's so hard. What worries you about that? About? Reaching out.

It's just hard for me to talk about and then i don't know like i knew she wasn't ready at the time and i guess courtney like left things behind too and like or anything yeah she like left notes and stuff behind and like her mom wasn't ready to read or share you know so i don't want to be like hey you know what does that say but she did give me like her old like drill team jerseys and stuff yeah that's nice yeah i was gonna make some like blankets or do something with it yeah what um did you know her to be depressed or suicidal at all or is this like a was it a total shock to get that call total shock because growing up she was the most outgoing girl ever like she would just be like she would see like bugs or whatever and be like eating um she would do the fake falls like she

was so outgoing like nobody ever expected her to be you you know, to do this. She's freaking beautiful, drill team captain, just everything going for her to that. And it's a tough one for sure. So you don't know really because since you haven't reached out or anything, like what was really going on behind the scenes or have you heard some things later? No, that's the other weird part. It's just like, okay, well okay well like is there more to it or are they as shocked as me you know i mean man like i don't even know this girl and hearing that she jumped off a cliff like that's fucking nuts yeah it's fucking nuts and to get out of the car you could have just drove the car over too like it's weird yeah it's strange let me put it that way and what a weird like yeah

it's definitely one of the crazier ways to go out for sure and yeah i feel like definitely the podcast like the viral podcast with me and chelsea just even talking about it and talking about being afraid of death so many people have reached out just hey, this is what I read or this is what helps me. Like people do like rapid eye movement and all these different things. EMDR therapy. Yeah. I've never looked into it. I'm like, that is something I need to look into for sure.

You should. It really helped with because sometimes you don't know that like i feel like anxiety just like chills out and in us in a hammock and when it's like oh i got called you know and it pops up and it's like here we go you know and it just brings you a whole new set of shit sometimes you're like man i'm not i don't normally shake from everything else i deal with what the fuck is this or whatever you know yeah um and i never even really knew what it could have been until like I was in the car and like afraid and all the time. And I'm like, Chelsea, I think I have like anxiety about death because I'm like, every time I get in a car, I'm freaked out. And so I started like trying to diagnose myself, you know, and then I'm like, oh, fuck. Maybe I'm just afraid of it.

And that's what I need to work on. What do you remember most about your friend? That's nice. First of all, let me not just gloss over that. You need to work on it. I think that's awesome that you want to. Are you going to? Yeah, but I'm like, I don't know if therapy is right for me.

Or like if I just try to help myself through this or just I feel like talking on podcasts, honestly. No doubt. Talking to people who reach out and say the nicest. Oh, wow. Yeah, the support is like what helps me, I feel like, or what people have told me what they've done. That's what I lack. You lack it. That's that shit I do like, or what people have told me, what they've done. That's what I lack. You lack it. That's that shit I do like.

Who do you talk to about it? Who do you, is Chelsea your go-to to talk about real life shit and when you don't have to be stupid and silly and, you know, always on and in front of the mic and shit like we always are? Yeah, I feel like I'm kind of the same pretty much no matter what. And like i tell people because i want to be truthful you know like i tell chelsea the same the same thing i'm saying right now like damn dude i don't know what it is like and she recommended a book called dare and that's like about death and overcoming it so need to hop on that too there's just so many things going on that it's hard to just like have some downtime and focus on yourself.

You're young to have those fears. You need to be carefree, so to speak, and live a life right now. Yeah. And then some people are like, yeah, in my whole 20s, you know, I feared death. I thought I was going to die. And then once my 30s came, it just completely went away. And I'm like, okay, now I need to enjoy life for what it is, you know. So three more years, maybe I'll be there.

Yeah, the secret to life is living life the way you want to live life. That's it. There's no one secret that works for all of us. It's just being able to live your day-to-day life the way you want to live it. Exactly. You know, not letting it live you. You're living it. Yeah.

I asked you, what do you remember most about Courtney? Gosh, just how wild. She wasn't down to do anything. Like, I would drive my bike around and just make her sit on the handlebars. And I would just run into, like, trees and buildings. And we would just, like, talk. Like, jackass type stuff. Yeah.

And she wouldn't know. And she would just see the tree coming up. No, no, no, no. And I would just hit into it and fall over like on main street and those were fun and the one time i was gonna shit my pants i'm like run inside it was after chinese food i'm like run inside and tell my dad i'm having a crap attack hurry i'm gonna shit my pants and she could not stop laughing she's like i can't tell him i'm like tell him i'm gonna shit my pants. And she could not stop laughing. She's like, I can't tell him. I'm like, tell him I'm going to shit my pants. So she had to like go inside and tell my dad I was going to crap my pants. And just all the memories, you know, of her. There's so many, but just, yeah, our childhood dancing together and then just going through life together.

Just even her staying with drill team and then me doing sports and then still having a relationship you know it's crazy um i don't mean to ask an insensitive question but i'm assuming it was a closed casket at the funeral and stuff no no no it actually wasn't how high was the fucking cliff first of all? I've never went and seen it. Don't you want to know the answers to these questions, or do you feel like you're better off not knowing? I feel like sometimes we are, but what do you want to know? What do you really want to know that you've been afraid to ask anyone, her parents or anyone? What do you want to know?

I guess just more of what happened in the day, leading up to it or like weeks even, you know, or if they saw something, what, but like. Or if she just went up to get fresh air and stood on the cliff and the fucking shit broke loose and maybe it was an accident. Is that possible? Yeah. We like dug into that. Like, was anybody with her? What? Like, what the hell?

There's no suicide letter, right? That says I'm taking there were letters you said that weren't no i think it was like i don't know what she wrote yet either so so there could be you don't know but i think it was pretty much like i i would say leaning more towards suicide you've never driven up to that cliff no no and when i flew back like it was a pretty quick trip and then i had to fly back so i didn't like go up there i just we hung out with friends like all of our friend group and had a bonfire and i do so bad at funerals too like i mean i don't know that there's a good one somebody out there like look at no there's a good one. Somebody out there. Look at him over there. No, there's a couple good ones. No, I'm just kidding.

They're laughing and shit over there. There's some people. No, I'm just kidding. No. Just, I think, I don't know. I get such a weird ass feeling. I feel like some people are so good at handling it. My dad will be like, oh, yeah, I'm going to go talk at this funeral, this, that.

I'm like, how does he do that like i i'm so bad at it just thinking about it weeks ahead freaking or week i i struggle with it for sure maybe everybody does but not everybody doesn't say it you know yeah i think there are people that get up and maybe power through it for the benefit of others and things like that you can't or won't you know things like that yeah athletic greens is the health and wellness company that makes comprehensive daily nutrition really simple with so many stressors in life it's difficult to maintain effective nutritional habits and give our bodies the nutrients it needs to thrive. When it comes to parenting, touring, working, look, I start my day every day. I put my Athletic Greens right in my

morning shake and I love it. It makes my whole day better. As the research changes, so does AG1. While most nutritional products that come to market never evolve, Athletic Greens continues to obsessively improve AG1 based on the latest research, producing 53 improvements over the last decade and counting. It's lifestyle-friendly, whether you eat keto, paleo, vegan, dairy-free, or gluten-free, and it contains less than one gram of added sugar. No GMOs, no nasty chemicals, artificial anything, while keeping it tasting good. To make it easy, Athletic Greens is going to give you an immune-supporting, free, one-year supply of vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase if you visit athleticgreens.com slash honeydew today. Again, simply visit athleticgreens.com slash honeydew

to take control of your health and give AG1 a try. A change of season means longer days, better outdoor activities, and more ways to get healthier, including checking in on your health and wellness. With EverlyWell, you can take action today by taking one of their at-home lab tests or by adding their vitamins and supplements into your daily routine. With over 30 at-home lab tests, you'll be able to choose the test that makes the most sense for you to get the answers you need. Everly Well also has high-quality vitamins and supplements to support your overall health, including vitamin D3 and omega-3 fish oil. Here's how it works. Everly Well ships products straight to you with everything needed in one package.

You simply collect your sample, and you use the included prepaid shipping label to mail your test back to a certified lab. Your physician review results get sent to your phone or your device in just days. You can even share the results with your primary care physician. It's so simple. Over 1 million people have trusted Everly Well to support their health and wellness goals, and you should too. For listeners of my show, Everly Well is offering a special discount of 20% off an at-home lab test at everlywell.com. That's everlywell.com for 20% off your next at-home lab test. everlywell.com.

With all the jargon flying around, it can be hard to figure out how to start investing. Getting your money right is easier with SoFi, the first investing platform to offer stocks, ETFs, automated investing, and cryptocurrency to all in one app. You can invest. You have the option to do banking, credit card, track your finances, and check your credit score. Whether you're eager to get started with investing or you already know the ropes and you want to diversify your portfolio, SoFi has your back. No commissions or trading stocks and ETFs, plus no account fees or hidden fees. Use fractional shares that start as low as $5 to buy brand name stocks, even if you don't have a couple grand lying around. Complimentary financial planners are ready to help with any questions, whether you're stuck on where to start or need help deciding what to do next. Cut through the jargon and make investing

easier with SoFi. Visit SoFi.com slash Honeydew to learn how you can win up to $1,000 in stock when you open an account. That's SoFi.com slash honeydew. Brokerage and active investing products offered through SoFi Securities LLC member F-I-N-R-A slash S-I-P-C. Now, let's get back to the do. I'm almost positive I didn't, but I don't think I got up and said anything at my dad or my grandmother's funeral. I don't remember if I did. I was 16 and like 20, and I feel like I was so – all my brothers and I, I don't think I said anything. But maybe I did. I don't fucking remember. Like there's that much – like I remember weird moments of both funerals, but I don't remember all of it. That's so young.

Yeah. So did your dad pass away, you said, when you were 16? Yeah, 16, yeah. Gosh, that's so hard to still just, you know. But also being a parent and thinking about a child suicide. Because I have a friend of mine whose brother took his life, and it was awful. And what really sticks with me, and his name was Jamie Snyder. He was a great kid.

He was probably, I think he was 19 at about the same time, like just graduating high school. He'd gone into the Marines. He was having some trouble with a girl back here. And he was in Japan, I think, on his leave. I mean, not leave, on duty. And he asked to come back and just get his shit cleaned out and he wasn't right in the head and they said nope you're a united states marine you're fine it's all good he was calling the house and like the ex was there answering the phone and telling him shit and

so his father called and they said the same thing your son's a marine he's fine he'll be fine and then um i'm not sure how many days later but it was whether it was the next day or a couple um he did not show up for some meeting he was supposed to be in and one of his friends knew that wasn't right and went up to his room and he had hung himself with his bedsheets and the thing that fucking sticks with me the most is that they said he had fingernail marks in here because he didn't want he couldn't get it off he dug his neck to try to get it off and he didn't want he couldn't get it off oh my he dug his neck to try to get it off and he couldn't so i think about that all the time and i think about like man this poor kid and what he went through and this whole macho bullshit of your fucking son's gonna be fine walk it off guys

don't go to therapy guys yeah no show your emotion like express yourself be vulnerable like own it. Be vulnerable. Put it out there. I feel like you're stronger of a man if you can express yourself and, yeah, really tell somebody how you feel. That's so important. And then to have someone reach out for help and be denied. That's another thing. So, I mean, but that's what I was getting at with you.

Like, there were signs that he was having trouble. At least, but again, my world, I'm not in their family. I don't know if there were suicidal issues or if that was just a spur of the moment decision, which it feels like maybe it was. And he couldn't undo what he had done. Terrible. But so you go back for this. You've never been to the cliff. Have you ever talked to her parents since?

Well, yeah. I reached out to her mom just like, you know, text and just keeping up on social media. But I've never like gone back. And for years, I'm like. You're damn near impossible to miss on social media at some point if you're scrolling for like five fucking minutes. So, I know they've got to see you out there yeah right yeah definitely the whole the whole damn town you know they they definitely see the shenanigans going on but yeah her mom you know in my head every year i'm like or damn near

every day i'm like i need to fucking go back to my hometown and like just get with her mom but like maybe that like why is that holding me back like why is that the hardest thing for me to do well i know this too i just make you my therapist that's fine i'll give you some uh a little bit of hindsight i have and i can understand your um your hesitance because my my i mean she's i just talked to her yesterday she called me to wish me a happy birthday um her name is miss sandy she's my buddy shannon's mom and shannon's sister's name was kelly okay shannon and kelly were brother and sister but brother and sister to me and my brothers as well we had no parents after that we were there all the fucking time and i think when we were 20

kelly was killed in a car accident with another friend of ours named anthony emilio and they were in it was a rainy night a truck across the center line hit both of them from what i remember they're in a 280z anthony blows through the t-tops and is immediately, I believe he was instantly killed from the injury. But their heads collided. And that head-to-head put her in a coma and ultimately took her life. She didn't recover from it. And her best friend is named Rebecca. And Rebecca and I are still close.

And we go all the way back to this childhood. Rebecca and Rebecca and I are still close and we go all the way back to this you know childhood but it's been very hard for I call her sand now but for her to watch Rebecca grow up and become a mom and do all these things that her daughter didn't get to do so I know that it sort of like you know separated them but they always will ask each other me how's Rebecca how's I'm saying you know I'm sort of the go between when i come into town or whatever and so is her son but um i get that it could be difficult so maybe it might be difficult for her to talk to you i don't know yeah it's one of those things you really it's a it's a crap shoot and maybe that's what i need though you know like at the end of the day

maybe that's like the thing that's just making me feel like I don't have closure, you know. Well, here's the other thing. Or maybe I never will. This is this woman's daughter. Yeah. But this is your best friend. Yeah. And you just said it.

It's what you may need. So why not reach out to her and say, look, I've been wanting to talk about this for a while and you're the one person I think I should talk to. Yeah, for sure. What would you ask? Just like. What's the first thing you think you would ask i guess just like what she left behind maybe like in what sense like the literal sense yeah or like how do we know like what you were saying like how do we know for sure like and yeah just like what happened in that day exactly you know because i feel like so many things are just left unsaid and then the rumors that come with it in a small town you hear

this that this that and it's like i don't want to blame anybody you know i just want to know what without naming people what sort of rumors were you hearing? Just like, oh, that one of the guys she was talking to was up there and pushed her. It's like, okay. And then they were like, nope. Like, that was shut down real quick. And then just so many, you will hear so many stories just because, you know, people like to feel important making shit up after people die. Like, yeah. making shit up after people die like yeah or like even people who never even talked to her you know would just then all of a sudden they were best friends with her and knew exactly what was going

on it's like what the hell just i wish i could and i can get that like for sure answer but yeah it's a why are you why are you avoiding it i don't know you think about it yeah i think about it yeah it is and i think about it too like for her like i that's just the risk i feel like it's respectful to go and i feel like when i did hold off for so long and then it kept building up building up building up that i feel like like why would i reach out now but like i don't want her to think i just you know forgot about her daughter i mean i think it's pretty powerful to be like for years i've thought about this yeah it's i really want to get you know some answers and some closure and who better to go to now it might be tough you said she had you think she had an argument with her mom that day and yeah but that could have been a rumor too you know so it it's like

i just need to know the full story of what went on and then i feel like maybe i that will be like a chapter of moving forward and that yeah for sure have they ever come to see you perform live or any of the shows you're on or anything like that? No, because I don't really perform live really ever. That's more Chelsea. But yeah, and they probably watch all the stuff. So I grew up in Utah where it's like really churchy and I grew up around all Mormons. Yeah, I was going to say. And you're not?

No, and I'm the only who from my town who's pretty much not mormon so i was corrupt and people and this and that but yeah i don't know like how much they for sure keep up on my social media or know what i'm doing but they're always supporting no matter what now did you guys have any mutual friends where you talk about shit like what may have happened that are still there that might know a little more i feel like all so me and my friend rachel and rachel's is the one her dad passed away when we were in ninth grade and then we also gosh she's had so much death and then her mom just passed away in 2022 so so rachel's parentless yeah yeah my best friend doesn't have parents and then she was supposed to move to san diego with me when we graduated but

she got she got the old knocked up yeah yeah so she stayed in duchesne and me her and courtney were like the three we were the mig amigos. Oh, you were that tight? All three of you? Yeah. Yeah. So just, yeah, Rachel doesn't know like any more than what I know. And all of our other good, good friends, like one of our close guy friends dated her just all throughout growing up on and off. And he had a hard, hard time too.

But none of us know. It's just like, I guess everyone just moved on or just, I guess that was that. But I feel like there could be more. Yeah. I mean, who wants to go out as just that's that? Yeah. Especially one of your friends. What do you think about the most when you think of her? Just. The time she made you laugh and all those crazy shit everything just the sleepovers just every we did everything

together seriously every day staying the night at my house we would like sleep in my little twin bed together i'd like wake up with my arms numb going down the hallway my hands like smacking me in the face and she thought that was so fucking funny yeah but it's rough it's rough i hate it and i'm like maybe that will help though i mean has this been building over the years and is it getting more and more or has it always been like this? I would say it's just I've always kind of felt the same about it. But I don't want to feel the same about it. And I feel like it's holding me back from a lot. Like what?

Just like the anxiety of death or like accepting it for myself because of because of her and and then we all sorry it's just so much death but then my we had a other friend who lived with me for like a year my brother's really good friend when we lived in san diego so they were playing college football together at palomar and then his friend Evan started coming over staying all the time and we like grew super super close to him and then he they found him at the bottom of a bridge in San Diego just what yeah this super freaking freak athletic and was with us just all the time partying this that like yeah and then that happens to him too and we're just like still his parents live in poway and we're like dude what the fuck

like how i'm starting to think you all might be the motherfucking bad luck john yeah I'm scared to leave this studio. Yeah. Every person I talked to. Watch your fucking back. Yeah. It's a trip, dude. Like, what? What do you mean at the bottom of a bridge? It wasn't water down there? It was just like a bridge over land?

Yeah. I guess a guy and his daughter were on a walk and found him at the bottom of the bridge. Just like 23 years old. College football. walk and found him at the bottom of the bridge just like 23 years old college football like was like a i think he holds the record in palway like in san diego for the quickest like 100 sprint and his parents like nobody knows anything because there's no note left and then he had like a half eaten burrito in his car and and then just, that's that. That's weird, too. That's crazy.

What do you mean, that's that? I know. What are you talking about? Half-eaten burrito. Yeah, it's, like, me and my brother the other day are like, dude, we need to figure out, like, what the fuck happened. Like, we need to, even if there's, like, a documentary or something, like, we need to get to the bottom of this, for real.

Or documentary or something. Like, we need to get to the bottom of this. For real. Because it's like, you can't just say, oh, it's suicide. Like, if you don't know. Yeah. But then how do you go back and, like, retrace or, you know. How long ago was that? It's like, fuck.

Like, 2017. Yeah. So it's, I mean, at least two ruled suicides in your life. Have you had other people that have taken their life like that? Mm-mm. Well, my dad's sister committed suicide when, but I wasn't. I was super, super young. So my dad tells us about that.

What happened with that? So my aunt dated a famous boxer named bobby chacon chacon have you heard of him ever i feel like i have is it chacon or something like that yeah i don't know yeah i probably have yeah so he she like didn't want him to fight and then he like became super abusive and she even had kids two kids and then she took her own life she shot herself shot her yeah legit my dad said he was like driving up and he like saw like yeah okay so your dad has a lot lost a sister to suicide and witnessed the aftermath that you never fucking forget. Has he been a good resource to talk about or have you not even really talked to him about your friend's suicide? No, my dad is crazy.

We're so, so close. And he just is like like he's pretty religious like you know like god like you know pray and accept god as your personal savior and you know like just believe in him so like we talk are you that way i don't i i do believe in god but like I don't know anything about religion. So I think I need to tap into that. Yeah, 27. About the same age I was when I started just questioning every fucking thing. Yeah. All of it.

And especially with the fucking world right now. Yeah. Then you have to question just. Everything. Everything. Every single thing. Yes. Yes.

God, even the water you're drinking. But. Speaking of water. But. Yeah. But. Fuck. Where were we? Talking to your possible. Talking to your dad.

My religion and stuff. Of talking about suicide. You ever talk to him about it? Just. He doesn't really like guide me in a way. Because I. I feel like maybe the past couple of years. Is when been like when i first reached out to chelsea and was like hey i think i'm like have anxiety about death and then like that's when i started just kind of like talking about it and

like oh the car thing that that so i haven't really like reached out to him for that but he would probably give great advice i mean he went through a suicide yeah he gets emotional about it for sure and and he actually just had a friend commit suicide as well jesus christ yeah and in this small town it's like you know it's like awesome because you know everybody but then you also know them when they die, too. Right. So it's like. What happened with this guy? His friend. It was a girl. Girl? Yeah.

What happened? She hung herself. They think it was like, you know, the video. My dad's like, I don't think she would do that. Like, you know, how people like do the jerk. You have autoerotic asphyxia. Yeah. I don't even know really too much about that

the choke and pull yeah i just made that up right now the choke and tug what they're doing yeah yeah but it was her a woman did yeah a woman does that work for a woman i'm not quite sure how you could get there honestly yeah i mean because that that would take a lot it'd take a minute it'd take unless you're like right next to coming and then you kick the chair away or something yeah try to go for it yeah that would be a quick one listen that'd be a lot i am i am generally not a conspiracy theorist yeah but all these suicides you just isn't it a fucking trip sounds sketchy as fuck yeah all of them yeah all of them for sure of all the people and maybe i'm look i'm an idiot so but all the suicides i've heard where it's autoerotic asphyxia has been a man i know women like to do i know the choke and all that but i mean no that that one's

new to me for for for the rope around the neck or whatever, the hanging yourself for it. I can't dabble with that at all. But, yeah, he's very emotional. He expresses himself like he spoke at her funeral, and he's always speaking at people's funerals and shit. You got a lot of them, it sounds like. Yeah, we do. He's speech ready. But people ask him, like him like hey can you share

this story and we know she was close to you he was close to you like he just took a trip down here and spoke at a funeral then yeah he's like always speaking at funerals and i'm just like how does he do this when my fear is to even just show up at a funeral, you know? It sounds like you have the perfect person to talk to, actually. Yeah. It really does. Gosh. Sometimes I feel like we look for answers to shit and we're looking here and here and here and over there and under this. And sometimes it's fucking bam.

It's right there. Right in front of our face. Doing all this shit. Yes. I mean, your dad's dealt with your aunt's suicide firsthand, and he speaks at funerals, which is something that I think is very unselfish, and I think it's nice to get up in front of people when you're seeing everybody at their worst. You know what I mean? Your dad's not going into a family reunion.

No. He's going in and speaking and bringing up the positives about someone who's gone and making other people feel good about that person that says a lot about him yeah he's such a sweet guy man you got the perfect person to ask he'll be like asking me like what should i do like he'll be reading me poems just like okay i think i'm gonna say this and like he writes those poems or he just finds them and he'll he'll do both and like he'll be practicing for days leading up i'm what the fuck is this normal it's this normal shit but yeah what a great guy i'll be even finding poems for him like this is

a good one say this save this for when the next death yeah for the next one you have to host some shady suicides on this episode gosh i i just keep thinking of all the people that have like died in my brain i'm like oh fuck who else this would be a full death episode who else have you had to die you're gonna get like talk about for real there's so many people that are scared to death. So many people. And I go through waves. When I was single, I didn't give a fuck.

Then you become a parent and you're like, oh my God. And it goes back and forth all the time. For sure. For sure. I take it into consideration

every time I fly. I take it into consideration. I should more in a car, but I feel like I'm in control and it's a control thing too for me a little bit. So tell me who else is past. So you like to be the driver. Yeah, I should more in a car, but I feel like I'm in control, and it's a control thing too for me a little bit. So tell me who else is past. So you like to be the driver.

Yeah, I do. You roll good with me because we would work as good as a team. I would drive. You could just sit over there. And I don't speed and shit. Everybody makes fun of me. You met my stepson. They all clown me.

My daughter does too. It takes me like five minutes to get going. I'm buckled. I got the GPS. I'm not touching shit when we're driving. Good. I love that. People on their phones like piss me off i'm like that's so selfish uh yeah so our friend our friend in san diego that we met and like we had a whole girl group and then

one of our friends from roosevelt what i was saying, Duchesne and Roosevelt, they're like the 30-minute difference. Yeah, in Utah. So one of the guys comes out here and visits us. And then he gets close with one of the girls in our friend group. Her name was Dani. And then they were going to go back to utah and after like a couple years of dating and as soon as they get back to utah our friend danny has a freaking brain aneurysm and dies where she went in to like get a what's it called like when you have to put

money down a deposit for she had to show proof of income for her new apartment and she walked in there to get it and just right there they said she collapsed and then they rushed her to the hospital and then my friend who moved down here because i moved down here called me and was like danny died like like what the fuck dude like it's so crazy and then i i'm such a bitch like i didn't show up to her um little like ceremony that they had together i was just like and it was like at the start of covid and i'm like i can't like physically get there like i don't know it's so rough it's a lot of death yeah that happened to me too by the time i was 20 it was a lot of impactful yeah and then i was like oh my god everyone's dying yeah that's why i joke about i talk about we turn it into a family death pool like who the fuck's going next

yeah and um i i get it i get where it comes from. That's a lot of death. Sometimes it is, like, better to laugh about sometimes, like, to make it comedy rather than being dark. But then it's like, well, shit, it's so good to talk about, too, at the end of the day. Because, you know, we're all fucking going to die. We're all gone. We're all gone. We're all gone. I'm sure your friend didn't see this shit coming.

It's a light switch. Yeah. Boom, off, you're done. You're done. Yeah. It's just, that's why you just gotta fucking live, you know, every freaking day. It's coming whenever it's coming. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Just like a penis. That's right. You can probably help that along a little more. Okay. So let me ask you this then. Does the fear of death that you have, I know we've talked about driving stuff, but do you feel like it really prevents you from living the life you want to live like does it play in your mind about having kids because you're worried something could happen to your kids does it play in your mind about

anything not really the kid part because i don't mess with the rubbers too often but uh like just anything like even what yeah the condoms well i'm going the kid part doesn't worry you because you don't mess with condoms yeah you know i'm not worried about having kids and stuff with them because you use condoms because i don't it sounds the other way you clearly yeah so if i get pregnant and have a kid, that's that, you know? Okay, because I'm putting that thing. Chelsea over there. You just got to roll with the punches. Hold on. Okay, so you're raw dogging and simultaneously not worrying about having a kid.

Instead of condoms and not worrying about having the kid because you have the protection. Yeah, well. So you worry more about death. I've been raw dogging for about eight years, so. You know. You worry more about death than you do about life. About getting pregnant. Than life.

Yeah. That's a problem, huh? Uh-oh. You just said I've been raw do to him for, what, eight years? Oh, my gosh. Oh, you're a fucking jerk. How is that? How can you be more worried about death than having a life inside you?

I don't know. Because I'm like, okay, if that happens, then I just have to deal with it. Okay, so this is interesting. If I die, I'm not here. True. But this is, again, you do not need to answer this question at all. But if you get pregnant, you said you're having that baby, right? Yeah.

You have the option not to, at least in this fucking state still. Oh, yeah. But you're going to have that baby. So does death play into that decision for you? No. I don't even really think it's, like, how I'm going to die or whatever. It's just, like, the thought of just, like, we are here humans on Earth and just like the thought of like just like nothing or just everyone gone i don't know it's so freaky to me like why are you i guess what i want to say is

why are you so certain you want to have that baby oh the human yeah that human the one that you're going to get from raw dogging i think i've always wanted kids you have okay about seven of them but then once i got the loads and just never got pregnant i kind of came to terms i guess i'm not gonna have kids so i mean this sounds like a lot of cum you came to terms jesus christ got the loads come to terms it's not as easy as you think it is to have a kid even though there's a billions and billions of people over these years but oh yeah the the money you gotta get the money shot i'm talking about getting pregnant oh that too yeah

and then people are like well i raw dogged for eight years too and i got pregnant when i least expected it it's just i kind of want to expect it but i probably won't you kind of want to be with at least a guy you think like this could be a dad oh for sure for sure yeah i'm not just out there boning left and right i yeah yeah i mean if it's little hookup maybe i'll throw on a little condom but not me him but but yeah i mean i'm not gonna be in a relationship using condoms that's gonna be itchy yeah that would be pointless yeah don't have time for condoms right now now what about your boyfriend is he worried about having kids? He's cool?

He's cool. I don't think he's worried. There's no guy out there that's going to be like, I'm going to put these on if we're in a relationship. Yeah. He probably wants kids more than me. I'm not trying to have kids, honestly, but if it happens, it happens.

And I'm 27, and my dad is 75 i'm like wait what i want to i wanted to have kids that's 48 he was 48 when he had you yeah my mom was 25 get the fuck out hold up hold on that's my i'm 40 i just turned 49 your mom was 25 when they got together and had a baby had you yeah four with her so he was already. How old was she when she was 21 when they had the first kid together then? Fuck. Or at least. I'm thinking Ashley is 30, 34, 35.

Fuck. The math. I have too many siblings. That's me with a 25-year-old right now. Like, okay, kudos to your dad. He's probably had something going on back then, whatever. But to also have four kids with a 25-year-old. Like, the 25-year-old to me at this age would be enough.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like, just deal with that would be, we're good. Yeah. But he already had kids, too. Yeah. So, my mom, like, stepped in and was a step-mommy and then had us. And then, yeah, they grew their differences.

And then my mom got remarried when i was eight years old and so like and is she still married to that guy yeah and is he a good dude is that oh my gosh i have the best fucking stepdad ever like i would say i got raised by like three parents you know your dad and stepdad get along yeah they'll go out to breakfast together how much younger is your stepdad than your dad he's around the same so they're like 50 i think he's like 52 my stepdad yeah and gosh he has cancer oh right Yeah. What kind of cancer? Blood cancer. So it's been a real big struggle with that too. Yeah. Like my mom called and was like, yeah, they just gave him eight years.

So like, oh my God. That's in the back of my head. Like, holy shit. My mom's going to be a widow. Like there's a lot. There's a lot in this brain thinking, you know. You need to just go talk to somebody about that. I just need to go get some ayahuasca and fucking go to Costa Rica and chill.

Eat a bag of shrooms. I need to eat a bag of shrooms. A big bag. But, yeah, I'm just like, you know, you have that in your brain. Like, all these different things. And I actually tried to get him on shrooms. You did? Yeah.

I'm like, well, it's fantastic fungi. Like, let's get you on shrooms. Fuck chemo. Like this, that. But he is like so by the book and he owns an oil company in Utah. So. Damn. Yeah.

So they're like, there's, he wants to, I i think i don't know what he wants to do but he's young yeah and he was he got really sick like he did yeah so he was on chemo for like the past year lost so much weight like and then he had to stop working because he was just so weak and like had to be on an oxygen tank and just like seeing him and like how much he did for me and just took me under his wing when I was you know when my parents divorced and accepted me and just the coolest fucking guy so funny too and just it was rough just seeing him sick but now he's doing chemo like once a month and the health like the health system is so fucked like you have to go in debt to to die to die to die it's so fucked i hate it i wish we could just change the let's just change the healthcare system. Just give it to people.

Yeah. Yeah, that need it. Yeah. At a waiting line and go in debt to die. Yeah. I know. And it's like, you should just be able to enjoy, like, if you find out how long you have to live, you should enjoy life anyway. But like, damn, now you have health problems and can't do anything about it.

You can't even work. And then you just feel hopeless. And I feel hopeless, too. It's like cancer is, oh, just fuck cancer. For real. For sure. And then my mom is so sweet, too. She's just like, well, we just have to live these, like, to just live you know i'm like let's go on

vacation let's go to the redwoods let's do mushrooms let's fucking go for sure well i want to first of all thank you for coming on here and talking about this this turned into be a lot more death than no but i love it i mean listen man my whole growing up up until my about your age was death death death death death death and then it tailored off for a little bit and now i'm gonna be the next wave on deck you know what i mean like death that it's coming for all of us so i appreciate you being open and honest about being so scared and vulnerable about it oh yeah um all right it's your first time here so going to ask you, after everything we've talked about today, advice you would give to your 16-year-old self? Life goes on, and everything will work out.

All right. You know, everything works out on its own at the end of the day. Promote whatever you'd like to promote again, please. All right. Hello, everybody. All right. of the day promote whatever you'd like to promote again please all right hello everybody all right check out the viral podcast on spotify or any any other major streaming platforms out yonder uh my instagram's page jen facebook page jen snap me you can hop on my OnlyFans and see my pubes They're out there Yeah do some pube updates

Oh I actually did an ASMR with my pubes What did you do with them Like prick them together Yeah I was twisting them And then I got the mic and like put it on there And it was like I wish I could just play the audio We maybe could but it was actually

Pretty cool noises. My pubes are like four inches long right now. Did you know? I didn't. No, I didn't know. Yeah, I'll have to show you. All right. We'll wrap it up.

We'll go check those pubes out. Yeah, come check out the pubes. All right, man. Thank you, as always, RyanSickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all social media. We'll talk to you all next week. I'm out.