The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Paul Virzi - Anxiety Dew

Episode Date: July 12, 2021

My HoneyDew this week is Paul Virzi! Paul Highlights the Lowlights of his anxiety disorder and the death of his dad. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew SPONSORS: LIQUID I.V. Grab your Liquid I.V.in bulk nationwide at Costco or you can get 25% off when you go to LIQUIDIV.COM and use code HONEYDEW at checkout. That’s 25% off ANYTHING you order when you get better hydration today using promo code HONEYDEW at LIQUIDIV.COM. RITUAL Get key nutrients–without the B.S. Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off during your first 3 months. Visit ritual.com/HONEYDEW to start your Ritual today. GO HENRY Get started at gohenry.com and get one free month with promo code HONEYDEW. That’s one month free at gohenry.com, promo code HONEYDEW. TRUFF Get 15% off site-wide plus FREE shipping with promo code HONEYDEW at truff.com. That’s 15% off everything at truff.com promo code HONEYDEW.

Hey guys, just want to let you know about some dates, September 16th through the 18th. I've been saying the wrong date apparently, but it's September 16th through the 18th. I'm in Phoenix, October 28th. I'm headlining the Brea Improv. You can catch me out on the road with Segura. Tommy's taking me out. We're going to do some dates together. I know we're doing like a Vegas weekend in October. There's a California run in like January and just go check as a Midwest. There's Ohio, there's West Virginia. Just check it all out. All right. This episode is brought to you by Liquid IV, Ritual, GoHenry and Truff. More on that later. Let's get into the do. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler.

Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Night Pant Studios. I am Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all your social medias. Look, I want to continue to say thank you for your support. In under a year, we grew over 100,000 subscribers. So thank you. Please continue to subscribe.

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Go get your merch. Everything's restocked. It's all there for you. All right? Now, if you're new to the show, you know what we do over here. We highlight the lowlights. These are the stories behind the storytellers. Very excited to have this guest on. First time here on the do.

Had a great Crab Feast episode as well, so go back and listen to that. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Paul Verzi, y'all. Welcome to the Honeydew, Paul. What's up, dude? So great to be here with you, buddy. Finally. Yes. I know.

We've been trying to do this. You know what? Being from New York, you come out to LA, and you're like, what podcast? Because now it's not like, because now it's like, what podcast are you going to do? It used to be like, I've got to do a set. Now it's like, no, man. I was telling you before we got on here, I want to do podcasts with used to be like i got to do a set you know now it's like no man like and and i never i was telling you before before we got on here i want to do podcasts of dudes that i love guys that

i met that i clicked with instantly and when we met in arizona we were cool we kind of you know stayed in contact and everything and uh so i'm happy to be on it happy for your show growing man thank you brother uh yeah but no this was this was one that i was like i'm gonna hang out with sick man so you're right too because i just worked with uh sagora uh a little while ago and they were like what credits do you want when you go up i was like you know what say you've seen him on your mom's house podcast the joe rogan podcast and he hosts the honeydew podcast yeah and i thought the time because tom and i you know years ago we did bray and i was like we would say back then you'd be like whatever the fucking credit was hbo comedy central whatever the fuck it was yeah and but it was all tv and bullshit and now it's all i was like i

purposely want just and you could hear the applause of people with the podcast yeah but when when they used to say you've seen them on Comedy Central, everyone's like, yeah, I saw that shit. You know what I mean? Nobody. No, no. Nobody. No, and it's funny. I was just in Tampa, and I heard an intro that you had in L.A. here.

It might have been that show we were talking about. Yeah, I heard when they say the podcast, and I was just in Tampa, and they were like, oh, Versi effect and anything better. And you just start and you're like, oh, shit. They don't care about Comedy Central or Netflix or or Hulu. They that like it's like, oh, that's nice. But they're like, where can I hear? Because this shit is taking over radio and journalism. I am now teaching as it should.

Yes, as it should. I am now teaching a through Lana's nonprofit. I teach Culver City High School kids every Wednesday a podcasting class. We created a curriculum. We teach them. We've given them two episodes. We had the mayor of Culver City come in. We had the chief of police of Culver City come in.

I teach six kids. We created a whole show for them. And we're submitting it to the school as new curriculum and get rid of journalism y'all yeah y'all just out there writing lies anyway fake news why write it when you could say it yeah no that's that's actually i don't even think that's probably you're bringing up future podcasters of the world man like that's actually it should be actually because this is radio in a different form. This is like –

Radio and TV in a different form. This is radio and TV in a different form and it's taken on because people want to see this because it's real shit. So before we get into what we're going to get into with you, please plug and promote everything and anything you'd like. All of it. So guys, I got two podcasts right now, the VersiEffect podcast, which this is kind of the VersiEffect 2.0 because before it was just like audio. It was just like talking to the fans that came out to the show. But through everything that happened in pandemic, we got a studio now, my producer, Andrew Themlis. So check out the VersiEffect.

Bill Burr and I co-host a new podcast right now called Anything Better, which, yeah, we kind of bullshit about sports and stuff, but it's everything. It's life, and we have such a good time. People are loving the rapport that me and Bill have. My YouTube channel, you could go to paulverzi.com for upcoming shows. Speaking of that, July, if you're in the Connecticut area, July 23rd, I'm going to be at the Fairfield Community Center Theater. I think that's the name of it, but just go to paulverzi.com. I'll be in Fairfield, Connecticut. A great theater, actually, on July 23rd. Doing my first theater gig

October 22nd at the Wilbur Theater in Boston. And there's going to be a lot of shows leading up to September because I will be shooting my first special. And I'm sorry,

my second special. Wow, yeah. Come on. I was going to say, go check this first special out. First special, man, really went viral. We have over 10 million views online during the pandemic. I'll say this, which is on Comedy Central.

Doing my second. I should say, after pandemic, I felt like everything was reset. I'm just saying first for everything. But second special and my good buddy Pete Davidson, who you all know from SNL, movies, stand-up. Pete Davidson is going to be making his directorial debut on my special. We've been friends for a long time. He saw chunks of the material and was like, dude, I want to be a part of this. So that's going to be going down in – it looks like the middle of September.

There's going to be a ton of dates before that. So just for all ticket links available, paulverzi.com. Like I said, clips of The Verzi effect and stand up on my youtube go to anything better has its own youtube channel and just check all the stuff man thank you all right yeah um so we're going to get into we're going to tell the story a little differently today so you actually went through some serious depression a couple of times. Yes. It's hit you. It's hit me a couple of times. So you said, I believe, the first time you were in college, right?

Yep. So let's talk about that. How old were you? What year is this? And where are you in college? All right. So I was – I'll tell you how I think it led, how it led up. So I was living in a different area before high school. I was living in lower

Westchester. It was a smaller school. I had friends. I was playing sports. They were grooming me to play football a lot. They were, you know, it was just like a smaller community. Things are going good. And then boom, my mom and stepfather hit me with, we want to buy a house house. We had like the second level of someone else's house. we want to move on with our life and we got to move like an hour like upstate and and you're how old if i'm i'm like dude i'm like going into eighth grade man like i'm like it's like it's like so like i'm like the man i'm not even kidding like like senior middle school fifth sixth seventh i was the shit i was i was you know like me and my friend we were like hanging out with girls and the first time you like saw a vagina, we rode our bikes home like animals.

Like, can you believe that? That's what it looks like? You know, like we were like the shit, dude. You know what I mean? We were the shit. And oh, we're going to play football. And then I remember being in like seventh grade and they wanted me to become the quarterback in eighth grade. So like the last quarter of the season, they put me in.

I had like two plays for like 20 yards and everything and then like i kept saying like mom we can't move we're gonna move and we went up to a school that was big and it was like upstate the school system wasn't that good but my parents got a nice like ranch house up there and um and i realized to get popular and since it was so big and it was the country there was a lot of drinking and a lot of partying and being at the parties. And who's going to do a keg stand and all that shit? Who's going to smoke the weed? That was what the cool kids did. So I didn't want to play sports with those kids because my guys were the guys that I came up with young through grade school and now going into junior high.

And now all of a sudden it's this big school, kids I don't know. And so I started to party and i started to hang out with older kids so like the older kids but no man you're cool like they took me under their wing but it was like parties and weed and and so it was like girls and drinking and i just got into that and i became a bad student you know and i was really distracted but i was smart like i remember one time my english teacher every like i don't fry we'd write an essay and she called me out of the class afterwards and she goes why why are you in here why are you in the lower english and i go she goes these essays are fantastic and why are you and she called me

out of class and i never forget she said shout out to miss scorer man she was she's really changed changed things for me and she goes i'm gonna put you in the higher class but don't make me a fool and i went from a c student in the low class to a B plus student in the higher class because she just – but like I was just distracted. I was lost, man. I wanted attention. I wanted to be liked. Were you an only child? No.

No. But I was just – I was young. Like my parents divorced when I was – my parents divorced when I was five and my brother was 10. And it was like 1982. My father is 100 percent Sicilian. You don't do that. What are we, fucking nuts? Like that's father's 100% Sicilian. You don't do that. What are we fucking nuts? Like, that's the thing.

What are we nuts? We don't do that. You know, your mother went crazy. She went fucking crazy. It's because of her. Dude, I'm fucking five, dude. Dude, I was in the back of my mother's car. And he goes, your mother fucking, this was some evil shit.

Okay? Evil shit. I'm like, dude, I live with it. Like, I can't fucking. Dude, like, I was a little. Oh, dude dude my dad is my dad's another motherfucker i mean i mean he actually one time he actually said to me he goes some he actually said he goes i'm gonna tell you boys my brother's 10 i'm 5 he goes i'm gonna tell

you boys the devil invaded us and i was like what and he was like the devil came to us okay in the form of your mother for a little while. And I'm – dude, I'm fucking like, dude, I just want to go to the movies. I mean I'm trying to – I want to go to the movies. I want to fucking like – are we going to go to Playland? Like are we going to – and he's just going, you fucking believe this shit? And I'm like, I got to get out of the car and live with the – I got to live with the devil. I got to live. So your mom is the one who decided to leave?

My dad was a big wig at aig okay he's you know he was but my dad was my dad was about like you know fur coats and matching really matching rolexes yeah oh dude my dad showed up to a pizzeria in 1100 alligators i'm not kidding dude i'm kidding this fuck my dad showed up fucking you know like fur around the neck like oh dude my dad my dad my dad would always go let me tell you something you're so not like no no my dad i mean i like i like the one thing i took from him is like i like the higher hotels i like like yeah i like the luxury sure pampered you like yeah like we go to a nice cigar lounge and it's nice leather chairs and shit like that my dad is like if a man doesn't have a watch or good shoes he's a piece of shit dude i remember one time we were in that we were in there i'm not doing my dad you gotta put that on his shirt and my dad is

big my dad is big with um my dad is big with jewelry yeah Yeah. Big with jewelry. Yeah. You know, my dad, you know, nice guy, old school time, racist, you know. Oh, dude, my dad still can't believe. My father still can't believe Obama was president. Your mom? No, my father still can't believe Obama was president. He talks about it like it was Katrina. Like he talks about it like it was a natural disaster. Yeah, like it was Katrina.

You know, and I'm just like, all right, dad. Like he's just so, but here's a nice – like he's not even like racist. Like when he's around people of other cultures, he's so nice. He's just so old school that it's almost like this grandfathered in thing. And he's actually like – believe it or not, he's got wisdom, but he was just – he's just another dude, man. My dad is just another dude. But what's he come from where he's rolling up in furs and shit? Does he come from poverty where he wanted to be something so he's proud of that or does he come from money

where that's sort of in the my how you do it yeah my grandmother my grandmother came here from sicily at 10 years old didn't speak a lick of english my grandfather was sicilian but born here in america but my dad it's like that soprano saying, my dad was the firstborn Sicilian son. In America. So it's like he's Jesus. It's like everything. My aunt didn't probably – my aunt moved out to Denver and stuff. But my dad was like – just like the son with him, just set with him.

So that's kind of the thing and he was just always like – money was a very – I remember one time we were in – my dad bought a new Jaguar 1982, black XJ6, white leather, beautiful car. And we're pulling out of like our Scarsdale Tudor. I would have lived a whole different – but I wouldn't be here. Listen to me. If they stayed together, I would have went to some prestigious you know and i'd have been professor vers i would have been a fucking chiropractor so yeah because i'm not gonna be a real doctor so so you know but no i remember we're pulling out of the driveway and our neighbors these go where are you guys going and i rolled the window down i was excited

to tell him i go we're going to mcdonald's but they're gonna say don't you don't tell them we're going to mcdonald's like don't tell him you're going to mcdon My dad goes, hey, don't tell them we're going to McDonald's. Like, don't tell them you're going to McDonald's. Like, it was that shit. And my mom wasn't, my mom didn't care about, like, the, my mom didn't care about, like, my dad wanted to buy a boat. My dad wanted to buy, my dad wanted to buy, like, an $800,000, $900,000 house in 82. Today it would be, like, worth $4.5 million. So, like, he was on the way. And then the divorce came, and me and my brother went with my mom.

We lived in a one-bedroom apartment with my mom. My mom would sleep on the couch in the living room. Me and my brother had this big room and my dad couldn't get over it. So he would say wild shit about things. It wasn't really handled. Where would he live? So he would always live around where we were at. But an apartment as well?

Yeah. He would get an apartment. He always had nice cars like he would either yeah ben's is he would have mercedes and shit but he would be an apartment near us and uh yeah man and then things just changed then i moved then i wanted to be then it was like i would drink and um you know so it's time to go to college this is before before the first, and I decide to go away. This is embarrassing to say. I decide to go away to community college. It's not a very – my stepson is about to do it.

He's telling me I'm going to Santa Barbara. I'm going to live on campus. Like what junior college has a fucking campus? Like are you talking about apartments like right next door? He's like, yeah, like don't call it campus. Yeah, like yeah, they had like the – they call them the meadows they were apartments like on like next to the building yeah it was like you know two floors and jason yeah community college adjacent yeah exactly and uh it was up by syracuse okay and it was like a school for like soccer and lacrosse

to really move on to a big school but i didn't do either so you know but they were like hey it's a good you know and they were like oh it's a party school so so what was your uh what did you set out as a major originally so what i wanted to do was i wanted to do like when i was probably 18 19 i always did talk about as a matter of fact in high school i would tell for they'd be like paul you're funny man your stories we had this like delusional thing one day me and my friends are going to go to new york and get me an agent because i told good stories and i was funny at parties and we would literally talk no you know we're gonna do we're gonna get on a train like i was gonna walk into an agent's office as an 18 year old and everybody goes dude you got this kid's and then i was gonna be a but i think it was like sports and maybe commentating maybe

some sort of like communications degree where i would either like just talk sports and stuff like that, which ironically I do a podcast where I do that. So kind of that's involved. But we went, dude, and I just – it was an absolute shit show. I mean girls knocking on our door with kegs going, you guys want to – on a Wednesday, hammered. I would smoke weed. I would do all kinds of just stupid shit. I remember one time I drank all night. We wake up at three in the afternoon.

We had finals once and my buddy Mike was across. We had, we were in the same room. So my bed's here. There's a desk between us and his bed's there. And the alarm's going off. Oh shit. And we sit up and was like, dude, finals. And I just go, nah.

And we just went back down. Oh yeah. No school, no class. It was party. It was, are we having a party tonight? And all of a sudden, dude, my mental, I just collapsed. How long into the semester? Probably the first, I would say like towards the end of the first semester.

Like middle to end of the first semester, dude, I started to like have a mental. What do you start suffering? What happens? Like just fatigue in the body and mind, shaky. I was very nervous and anxious. I didn't want to really be around anybody. I would stay in bed. Things started to get bad.

So what happened to me and I learned this on the next breakdown in 16 was a lot of health things. My mother was diagnosed with stage four cancer when I was in 97. So I'm in high school. I'm about to go to school. I'm a senior having a hard time seeing if I'm going to graduate on time. hard time seeing if I'm going to graduate on time. And I remember I woke up one day and I hear either what is hysterical crying or hysterical laughing in my mother's bedroom. And unfortunately, it was crying. And she's pale. And she goes, I don't know. I just can't get up. And I was like, well, listen, if you don't want me to go to school, she goes, no, go to school. And then I'm in like

fourth period gym. And they ran up to me and they go, listen, we don't want to alarm you. But you know, and I drove to school at the time my car was in a park like you know your mother's being rushed to the hospital you need to go home and i went home my mother was there with a with a friend and my mother was looking bad and she dude she was on her way in an ambulance to the hospital and i said you want me to go and she goes don't come with me in the hospital to the ambulance go and i was like i had i had a job at a pizzeria i go let me go tell the job i'm not coming and i'll come to you and do my mother threw up like a huge amount of her blood count in the fucking ambulance and she goes there and they're asking her if she wants a priest or a fucking like they're asking and i get there and she's she yeah and then they're like it could be

like a bleeding ulcer come to find out my mom has a tumor in her stomach. And long story short, the best part of this story is that my mom would have cancer in her stomach. They'd cut her open, take it out. Then it would grow back. They'd cut it out, take it out. But after four surgeries, you just can't keep doing that. And then little dots started to appear on her liver. Okay. And now it's bad. Now, now I start to, the only way that i could mentally prepare is i start to envision excuse me my mom not around i have to do that like that was the way that i coped with it and i started to like almost like kind of picture my mom's funeral it was really fun my older brother wouldn't accept it and two months before my mother's last relapse now she's in stage four

two months before her last relapse the dana farber Institute in Boston was working on a test drug for people with leukemia. And they said that it started to work with my mother had a cancer called gist. It's a gastrointestinal, very, very rare. And they worked it on 100 people. They tried it. Out of the 100 people, it started to work on 26 of them. Out of my mother was in the 26. Then it started coming back. And then it started only working on 10 of them. My mother was in the 26. No way.

Then it started coming back, and then it started only working on 10 of them. My mother was in the 10. Okay? My mother has not had cancer active in her body to this day. Your mom's still alive. My mom's alive. Fuck, yeah. My mom's alive, and my mom got to see weddings, and my mom got to see grandkids.

Yeah. She was in her 40s, and now she's in her 70s. And this drug now, it wipes her out, her immune system, you know, but, you know, small price to pay. So let's take a quick break and tell you about our first sponsor, Liquid IV. The hot summer months are here and we need to be proactive to keep our body fueled up and hydrated. Making hydration a priority helps us feel healthier on a day-to-day basis,

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they'll refund your first order. You're going to go buy them anyway. Why go get them? Just get them right here. I'm telling you, you get the key nutrients without the BS. Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off during your first three months. Visit ritual.com slash honeydew to start your ritual today. Now, let's get back to the deal. I think now looking back, when I would get really depressed and down, something was wrong with me medically. So I'm going like, and I said like, but in college, there wasn't really like other symptoms. When you get older, there could be body symptoms. So I was just looking at my dick, right?

Because I was like, yo, is something on my dick? And I was like, yo. So I called my mom and I was like, I think – Get my fur coat. I'm going to the doctor, goddammit. So I would be like – I was like – I was – like if I was sexually active in college, like I would automatically be like – I call my mom crying and I was like, I think I got HIV. She's like, Paul, like you don't. And I'm like something is wrong.

Why am I – she's like you're having a – you don't understand. Like you're having a breakdown here, something. No, you don't understand, mom. I'm sad. I just want to – like I can't be here. And like she was like, I hate hearing you like this. Excuse me. And it was like, she saw it, you know.

Dude, I got something in my throat. I'm sorry. So anyway. It's called trauma. Yeah. It's me holding back tears. No. So, yeah, she was like crying, going, I hate seeing you like this, hearing you like this.

So it was time to pack up and go home. But I was down, dude. Let me ask you. During this time, are you just talking to your mom or are you talking to your dad as well? I'm talking to both. But when it comes to this shit. Your dad's more like, quit being a fucking pussy. No, my dad would just be like, my dad was just always, you'll be'll be all right right you'll be all right you'll be you know you'll be fine

like my mom was like you my mom went through mental stuff you know so yeah so it was just like i just couldn't be happy and i'm home and i'm sad and like i didn't want to be around friends i was just really just in a bad bad place man and and then I had a friend kind of talk to you, a friend that got like, not religious, but he got religious. And then he, I saw him out one time and he just goes, you're lost, huh? Out of nowhere. He said that was weird. He just saw me, saw my mind. And then he talked to me. We went back to my house. We had a nice like talk and he tried to help me and stuff. And I felt a little better the next day. I felt like, oh man, like, you know, whatever it was like, not to be like – was that the spirit? Like the way it happened, the way it came to me, my mom was like, you look better.

You look – you know, like he saw it in me. And he goes, you know what? I'm going to take Paul home. And I didn't even expect that guy to be there. He lived in Florida at the time. And he ended up being there. And he was an old friend from high school. So I started to slowly come out of it.

I rested. I didn't drink. I have very bad OCD and always worried, but it goes medical. I think now looking back, the reason why I told a story about my mom is probably because my mom was sick. Exactly. But I didn't know. Right, sure. So it was always like something bad.

I had a friend at 26 die of cancer. His mom died of cancer. My mom had cancer. So it was like – I was like, oh, man, something's going to happen to me. And I think that that's what was happening so then i came out of it i got stronger i got better i was clean you know no not even you know no booze nothing no weed nothing and i started to actually go to the community college near my house and i became like almost like almost a 3.0 doing well and then i started doing stand-up and i dropped

the fuck out i was like i'm not i'm out again yeah like i heard i heard the professor talking trying to be funny and i was like i want to be talking and then i was do like bringer shows in new york and industry nights in new york and that's when like around 21 i was like all right i need to drop out get a sales job and do stand-up okay and then And then 21-year-old kid doing that, and I just got my first manager six years in. I started working my way up in stand-up. Then all of a sudden some big acts would see me. I remember one night Judah Friedlander goes,

dude, man, he's in the bathroom. I know. World champ. He goes, you're real funny. And then all of a sudden Bobby Kelly was like, funny. And then I met Bill Burr, and Bill Burr was like you know hey man you're funny man keep it coming to refer you to this one room so all of a sudden things start going great and I'll fast forward now to the to the to the to the 2016 yeah so now I am

I was opening for Burr on the road I was in every comedy club in New York City. And it was around 2016. I got off stage in Canada at a like a hockey arena with Burr. And Burr goes, dude, I never saw you do any of that stuff. And it's great. He goes, you're getting ready for a special man. And I was like, yeah, I feel something, you know, I feel good. And my first hour album, Night at the Stand, came out in 2015, and it went real well. So now I'm just – I'm getting better, and things are going good, and I have this big, massive Fourth of July party every year. Comics, family, friends, and dude, I'm not trying to talk shit, but like I blow up the sky like fucking nobody ever – no residency does what the fuck I do. Like it's Julyuly 4th 1777 like i had motherfuckers coming up to me going dude how's this legal like like dude i had friends

going i don't know like how is this at a residency dude i mean my neighbor threatened to shoot me he said my neighbor my neighbor said i'm next year i'm gonna have a gun i fucked it up dude i had illegal rockets from the bronx in my house i had shit that was on the Macy's barge, like in a fucking backyard, dude. Like the circumference of the bonfires. Just, I mean, we were lighting up the sky. We had this great party. But the night before, Ari Shafir and Joe Barton came up. We drank a bottle of whiskey.

We stayed up by the fire until 7 a.m. Then the night of the 4th, I stayed up again until 7 a.m then the night of the fourth i stayed up again till 7 a.m drinking so now my mind's getting weaker but i noticed something was happening with me where i just wasn't feeling right okay uh i do a show in connecticut and like everything is in slow motion and i'm having anxiety attacks on the stage like you feel everything slow down that's why i fucking love you dude because i i'm on stage at the funny bone in hartford okay there's 240 people i'll never forget it was like a alia janine you know alia janine she was she was a she was in the adult porn industry and then she moved over to doing stand-up and she ran

this room and she goes oh versi why don't you come out to the thing there's 240 people there my buddy dave temple's there and dude everything's slow motion. And I'm talking to them in the green room, but I'm not there. I'm not there, dude. And my head was hot and I'm trying to concentrate. And I never forget, I'm on stage on a Thursday night at the Funny Bone. I had some fans come out to see me. And I remember killing and watching the table right to the right, laughing hard. And I felt like I was next to my body. So I was watching myself and I wasn't there. And dude, it's only an hour and a half drive from there to my house. And it felt like three and a half hours. And on that drive, I convinced myself that I had a brain tumor. I convinced myself. I said, there's something in

my brain. There's tightness here so what was i left something out there was i'll have these dizzy spells on stage all right so there would be tightness in my forehead but then i noticed that i would either have to touch the stool or touch the wall and i was having and i'm going i'm going dude something's wrong so i came on i told my wife i go babe the tightness in the head and she goes paul you got to stop i have a tightness in the head and then i went, Paul, you got to stop. I have a tightness in the head. And then I went up to my mom and my mom saw that look in my face. I'm like, here we are, back to where we were.

And she's like, Paul is in such – like, dude, I couldn't make myself a sandwich now. Weeks are going by. What do you mean? I was just so – Like you bedridden? I was like in bed and the thought of getting up. I never – see, here's the thing. Like I'm an upbeat, positive dude, okay?

Like all my friends, like Giannis and Bartnik and Burr, they're always like, oh, Verzi's the easygoing – the easy one, you know? And so when the depression hits somebody like me, it hits even harder because now I'm in a place that I'm not – now I'm in this realm that I'm not used to. Like a what the fuck is this? I'm sad and I'm never – I'm happy you know and at the time are you married you're married with two kids yeah and so i my mother i go to a doctor that i used to go to when i was younger i was like i gotta bring something's wrong man and he goes you know what i think he goes i think you're fine and i think and he's like but for you and they had to like get approved to get me because i kept having this pan they had to get approved to get me a brain scan.

And dude, I went for a CAT scan on my fucking brain. You did. And I'm in there and I'm doing everything I can to not lose it in this fucking tube. And my brother's outside. My brother's going, I hate seeing you like this. And I'm going. And in my mind, I'm literally going. Now, Ryan, this is no shit.

And it gets worse than this, dude. I'm going. They're seeing my tumor right now. When I get out of here, they're going to be looking at me like you need to go to the hospital. Wait. While you're in the tube, your thought is this guy or girl out here is seeing my tumor right now. When I come out, they're going to look at me and go, you've got to get the fuck out of here. And they're going to cut your head open tonight.

Yeah, that's how anxiety will get you. That tight-ass tube, too. There's no place to be with those thoughts. Don't open your fucking eyes. And one time, I had emergency surgery once near my appendix. They thought it was my appendix. It was something else. So I have gone to the doctor before and been told, you need to go.

And so they cut that out. So now in my mind, I'm like, oh, they're going to see this shit. So I get out and they go, thanks. And are you thinking about your kids? I couldn't look at my i couldn't look at my kids because i didn't think i was going to get out of 16 and i'm staying in the guest room and stacy's like daddy's sick so the kids just knew daddy was sick now mind you stand up is going phenomenal people are going dude you're ready for a special that so that's

another great question so i i i only canceled i canceled one weekend and like a handful of sets and then i would just power through so there was one where i was so when it got so bad when i was in the heart of and when i i found out when you're in a clinical depression they say a clinical depression is about 12 weeks like it could be like 90 days and i was in it and um and what was hard was it was like it was hard for me because like i said I'm a positive dude so like I knew I wouldn't kill myself and that made it worse because like I'm just going to live in hell because I was in hell

so I was in fucking hell you know like I didn't have the comfort to be like I'll fucking eat a book I didn't have that I would never do that to my family and I don't want to I want to live because I know how nice it could be when shit's good now I got to give a lot of credit to Giannis Papas, one of my closest friends. He would come up to the house because he lives near me now.

Dude, he came on and told his corona story about being at your house with the ambulance and his wife chasing it and everything. He went through it. And you know what? I helped him through that. That's what he said. And he helped me through. Like, he would come up and be like, dude, you got to understand, like, this is in your head.

So, you know, then it was just a really, like. So when you came out of the MRI, what did they say to you? They were like, CAT scan came back. It's clear. It's good. Now. How do you feel at that moment? Now, this is when I knew I was in a real bad spiral.

So I, unbeknownst to me at the time i have a c a disc issue and the disc issue causes weakness and um what's it called numbness numbness and also like when it vibrate uh like uh tingling and all that yeah tingling but also like it makes you like jerks your uh your your muscles would like really up like like yeah like it's like your muscles. Really? Yeah. It's like your muscles will like spasms. Spasms. Okay. So now I'm Googling shit. Yeah.

That's what my doc tells me not to do. Because I'm in a rabbit hole now. So now I'm going, that doctor who studied for fucking 10, 12 years, he's out of his fucking mind. Okay. I know I'm sick. And nobody, now everyone's crazy to me. So I'm going to my wife and going, don't you fucking see? Look at me. Because I couldn't accept, I didn't have the control.

I wanted control. So the only way I could control it is by knowing what it is. I couldn't, I didn't know that it was just me. So like, it got so bad, you know know after that like i you know the oh you're fine you don't have nothing in your brain and anything but i was just so low and like to the point where like bill burr is you know um my you know not only like a best friend but he was like a mentor you know and he would like when when i was coming up and and you know he was somebody that was like you know when you're a comic and you're coming up and that guy's going dude dude, he told me things I would do that I was like – well, he'd be like, dude, you're going to start selling out comedy clubs and you're going to go to theaters.

And I'm going, dude, I'm making $4.50 this week. Yeah, right. Like I'm not – like nobody is booking me. Like what are you – and like – but then he became like family and he's my son's godfather. Oh, that's great. And like so he was away for this. So he would call my wife because I was just so down. Like I didn't really want to even talk to anybody.

You know, Giannis would come up and like kind of sit there with me. But like I didn't want to talk to anybody. So Bill would call my wife. Be like, how's he doing? Bartnick would check in. You know, just friends of mine that were either in california or someone just kind of checking in but like kind of from afar but they didn't know how dark i was they didn't know that i would go out with my wife and being like you know

you're sitting with somebody that's not going to make it out of the year like that's i would be sitting there eating like we went to a wedding and i just had to tough through and i was just at it like i'm like drinking wine going these people don't, like, I'm not going to be, like. Y'all know I'm dying, right? Yeah, like that. So, my fucking arms, my arms are. You really felt like that, huh?

Dude, I knew, no, I didn't feel like that. You knew. I knew it. I knew it. In your mind, this is the last wedding. I'm going to be, I'm not going to see Carol and Janice anymore. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, fuck this wedding. No. Yeah. You know, but, like, I'm just going to see Carol and Janice anymore. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, fuck this wedding. No. You know, but like, I'm just, yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to go on their shit. I don't even know these people. I'm going to kick your ass.

I'm here for my wife. I'm resentful and shit. I should be in bed. But no, I'm so, so I'm just, I'm just in a bad place. And, you know, comedy clubs are like, dude, like things were going, like, that's the thing. What I didn't realize is what anxiety can do but here's where things got crazy so i'm having like weakness in my arm now at the time i don't know it's my neck i don't know it's my disc my wife is going paul you have issues with you you know and everything gets magnified

with anxiety and my i felt like my right i kept saying that my right leg was weaker so now i google and i'm googling and i start well, there could be muscle atrophy. It could be MS, right? I had numbness in an arm one time. I thought it was MS. I was worried it was MS. Now I'm in the lowest part of my life, okay? Having a hard time looking at my kids who I love.

Beautiful kids. I'm not just saying that to you. Look at my kids. Like everyone says my kids should be J. Crew model. I have these beautiful little kids that love me to death. I love them. I'm so lucky as a man to have this. I got a beautiful wife who supports me and shit.

And I can't look at my kids because I don't think I'm – I mean it was so fucking brutal. I call my wife from the bathroom and she's at work. Of your own – oh, okay. No, no, no. She's at work and I'm in the bathroom and I go – I'm not even joking. I go, I'm almost crying. And I go, babe, babe, I figured it out. Now, all these doctors, tests, I go, I'm not even joking. I go, I'm almost crying. And I go, babe, babe, I figured it out. Now, all these doctors, tests, I go, I figured it out.

Okay. I go, I have MS. And she goes, what? Now, I'm like on the bowl and shit. And I'm looking at my phone in a full-fledged depression. And I figured out what the fuck I have. And I diagnosed myself with one of the most horrible muscular diseases. then i'm going well there's other lists on here there's als there's muscular something that's the twitching and dude it got so intense when she came home

i was making her stare at my leg to see if one leg was thinner than the next like it already said it like it's yeah like your muscle just but it gets like a balloon but i go but i go i go to is my right calf a little and dude i got her so convinced she goes all right it might be a little thinner naturally they are she goes she goes she goes it's she goes you're right she goes all right fine your right one is thing and then that's all dude i'm laying in bed with her and i i i got so excited i was like i'm dying i'm dead it's over and i went to bed i i went to i went to how do you know you're dying and i go to bed and we go to bed almost like holding each other and dude i was so delusional

and convincing that i saw a tear come from her. I think she started to think I was sick. So now my wife is going, I'm living with this dying motherfucker. I'm about to push his ass in a wheelchair. I got two kids. So I call, I call, I call. I feel like that was a moment for herself. Like a tear was for her

and my wife stayed she's like Paul you gotta stop my wife is tough and sometimes I be like you're not being there the way I need you to and she goes no I can't let you buy into this shit so she was my wife is strong dude she's great

she really is she's strong she's beautiful my wife is a woman I married the right woman great great mother and all that. But she would be kind of cold and I'm going like, you don't – so my mom and I would talk all the time. What's something that she said to you that really still you remember? Like when she was trying to snap you into it. What's something you remember? Enough of this.

You got kids, like shit like that. And I'm going, yeah, but when you're're there when you're in that kids and ms yeah i was like dude there still could be something in my head you know they missed it how you gonna say that when i got two different calves how you gonna look at me and say that when my calves are different they're my fucking legs i love to touch her yeah yeah she started crying she was like he said he never played soccer in college i'm going to see and that's what google said that's what google said you know so um i call my mom and my mom goes i i can't i go mom i need to so i went to my mom and i i was i was

taking my mom has xanax and i started taking xanax and that will help me sleep and my mom goes what can i do for you dude you're in the i was in the worst place like my wife is like i don't know if we're ever going to get out of this now we're talking two months okay now we're talking two months and i'm like struggling dude i'm struggling to do sets by the way i'm fun i'm i was at the time i was funny i want to ask you this. Pause for a second. I had the same thing sort of happen to me. Not sort of.

It did happen to me in 2016 as well from December of 2015 like all the way for six months. Yeah. But like I found complete solace, comfort, like you step out of a storm and you're just in this quiet space. And I'm still, despite everything that's going on, that I'm splitting with my daughter's mother and that I'm only going to have my kid half the time and I'm doing math in my head like, oh my God, it's only nine years. I'm doing all that nonsense. Only nine years, you know, I'm doing all that nonsense.

But on stage, it didn't matter whether I did 12 minutes or 15 or an hour. It's the only place in my life ever where no matter what the fuck is going on, when I step up there, I don't think about anything but that. Yeah. Yes. It just doesn't enter my mind. It's the most free I probably am in my life. Yeah. Yes. It just doesn't enter my mind. No. It's the most free. Yeah. I probably am in my life. Yeah.

And it's and what happens is like, you know, when your talent takes over and the story takes over and you give people joy, they don't know what you're going through. You know, so you're in that art and you're doing it and you walk off. So that was that was the thing when I did muster up the energy to go down. The entire time during your set. That was the thing. When I did muster up the energy to go down. Were you focused the entire time during your sets? When it, like, except for that Connecticut one, like, when I, once I knew, like, all right, like, I've got to just get up there and get through the time. My only concern was if I got lightheaded, I didn't want to fall. So I would just make sure.

But that's, when I got into the set and I started having good sets, I'd be okay. And I would get through it and I would get laughs and everything like that. But I was the funniest, obviously, that I've ever been. Because when you're at that point, like where we are right now, where I sit now with you, me and you, and where you sit, we're the funniest we've ever been right now. Right now, at this moment. And in two weeks, it'll be then. So that was going good when I can do it. But I talked to the doctor.

He goes, good news. He just tried to get me out of it. Good news brain's everything like that i go but my leg he goes listen if you want i can get you tests for your muscles i don't think you need it but i could get you a test i could say so he sends me over to this asian doctor i go to this fucking place and i go in and the asian doctor he's got kind of an accent shit and i was like trying to explain to this fucking guy and he's just a doctor who's smart and i'm in a delusion okay so he's sitting in front of somebody who's fucking in a full-fledged delusion and he's filled with panic and anxiety and knows he's dying and all these things and he goes well what are you worried about and i go i go i got like ms some kind of muscular thing and

he goes what and i don't know if it's ms ala i go i got twitching in my arms and everything i said he goes i'm gonna tell you something he goes i can give you a test that's gonna test your muscle activity lift up your pant leg no uh so he goes before i see a test take your pants off no uh roll them up so he goes i'm gonna give you a test that this is real dude this is how fucking nuts i am he goes i'm gonna test your muscle activity you're gonna lay down and i'm gonna put needles through your whole body and he goes it's excruciating and many people after the third or fourth needle want to stop. But I'll be able to tell you what's – and I go, fuck, let's do it. And, dude, I'm laying on the thing.

I'm laying on a fucking thing. And I start to become a voodoo doll, right? This dude is putting things in there. And, Ryan, when I tell you, I felt nothing. No. Zero pain to the point where I didn't even feel the initial prick. I looked and saw them in there. That's how.

You saw it in your skin. I saw it in my skin. And he would, as he'd put it in, he'd be looking at the computer monitor to see like my. And I never told a story. I never told. I was going to tell this story on a podcast someday down the road. But I'll tell you because this is what this is. I never told a story about the muscle thing and the test I took.

And he's looking and I'm laying there. And as he's looking at the screen, and he was, you know, he had that doctor face looking, really studying. And, you know, he's an Asian dude. So in my mind, I'm like, he's a little smarter.

He knows I'm sick. Like I thought he knew I'm sick quicker than, you know, so I'm going, he knows, this guy knows. And I'm laying there and I'm going, he's seeing some really wild shit right now. Every time. That's what you're worried about. And as I'm laying on the table, dude, I started to really convince myself and tell myself like how my funeral is going to be.

You were there? I started thinking about how my funeral was going to be. Would I know when I was dead in the box? Would people who would be there, how would it be? I'm laying there as this is happening. And that's where I – dude, that's where I was, dude. And I'm waiting. And then I had to go two times for him to completely rule it out.

Why? So because – Because you didn't feel that shit on the first round? No, no. With the test, he goes, in order for me to really tell you, there's there's three different tests. I could give you one on one time and two on the other. So I leave and he goes, come back. And I'm just sitting there.

I go to my mom's one night. How long is because I had an incident to how long from leaving till you go back? Two days. And I'm at my mom's because my mom lives right near the doctor and stacy was probably better off just with the kids you know not having fucking sick dad in the room yeah right and um i go back the last day and my mom gives me a big hug and she goes if you need to cry cry and i was like no no i'm not i'm not gonna cry you know and um i i went there and i lay down and i'm going through the needles again and he's looking at the thing again and I know I'm going to finally get results on this day.

And he goes, excuse me one second. I have to walk out of the room for a second. And he goes, I'll be right back. Somebody called him in. And when I tell you – I'm not trying to be funny here on your show. show when i tell you i was absolutely convinced that he left the room to call my family and to say this is this is it listen you got me believing this shit now that's what i'm thinking so he's going out he's he's he's calling he's saying to have his mother and wife be here when he gets out because we need to sit down and tell him we need to sit down and tell him what's going on with him and send him somewhere to get the prize.

Ryan, fucking convinced. Not thinking it. No, knowing it. And I'm going, this is it. Now, this was the answer. I told you. I knew it was something wrong. It was in my brain.

He's like, surely just brawl some donuts. It's Thursday. Yeah, and it was like a phone call. So he comes in. He comes in. And he was very nice, and he knew I was mental. He saw in my face I was hurt, and he's done. And he goes, that's it. And I sit up, and he goes, you can put your shirt on, and I put my shirt on.

And he looks, and he goes, based on my tests, everything is fine. You're okay. You have everything. And he just looked at me, and he goes, unfortunately, this is here for you. Okay. And he pointed to his head. You like a brain tumor? We need to ask.

I told that motherfucker. I told that motherfucker. I want my fucking MRI money back. No. So he – and I looked at him and my eyes welled up and I said, thank you. I said, you don't know what you did for me. And I almost, you know, hugged him and he looked at me. So then I went home and I talked to my mom.

I called my wife and I think like that was kind of the beginning. That was the beginning of the healing to know, wow, like where my mind really went. I went home. It still took me a couple of weeks. I slowly, so this started, just so you know, this initially hit in July of that summer. And by September, I started to go, maybe I'm coming back. And I remember Giannis going, dude, when you come back, you're going to be stronger than ever. And almost a year to the month I started to feel better,

I shot my first special for Comedy Central, I'll Say This. And it became a hit for them. And it was like – and I remember, Ben, I talked about it. I talked about it on stage. I said, when you're in the darkest place, especially for a happy guy like me, to go there and to know the things that your mind can do. And what I didn't know is anxiety can give you a physical symptom. People don't understand that. If you say your shoulder is fucked up and there's a fucking bump in your shoulder, you'll find the bump, which is probably a bone, but you'll find it. It will start

to hurt. And it's all because of the power of the mind. And I think it was a culmination of everything. I think that my life at the time was a whirlwind i think that i was tired and beat up like i was in college again i think my mom getting sick i think the fact that tightness was in my head so it could never be something wrong with me i needed to know a reason so it was a medical thing it could never be well paul you're just fucked up right you're just fucked up you're mentally fucked up you have ocd anxiety and depression and this is your problem it couldn't be that because i'm killing i'm doing good i'm with my so it was almost like there was nothing and and and through honestly man through love through friends through doctors through through

support my my wife mother uh janice papas who I have to give credit to during this time, it all started to come back. And then I felt fucking bulletproof. And whenever I would feel something creep in, I would, you know, there are times where I get a little, you know, even now we all have it, but I'm like, you know what, relax. It's not that, you know, there were times after I got COVID, I was coughing up stuff and my mind was now able to go. Look, man, you had COVID. You have a cold now. Relax.

You're fully vaxxed. You fucking you got through it. And now I'm able to go out on the road and focus at the task at hand. Go on stage. You know, the best stand up I've ever been doing. People are saying this new hour is better than the last. So, like, now I'm able to and like, listen, I got kids, man. And life is life is short.

But you said something when we were off the air that really hit me when you were like you're going to feel different at 35 and you're going to feel different at – You're a different person at 40 than you were at 35. And I'm sure at 50. At 50. And hopefully you are. I'm a different, better person as we get older. Like, oh, well, you know, 20-year-old me would have been out there doing this and that. 25 is not.

30 is not. You know. Yeah. And I think that like you – I think getting older – I think at the ages we are, right? Like I just turned 40 a couple – like I'm in my early 40s, right? And it definitely and and it definitely changed and it changed with like because i always used to laugh when i had friends in the 40s i'd be like these motherfuckers are always yawning every one of my friends in the 40s fucking 10

i'm 36 i'd be like yeah i'm 36 this motherfucker's yawning i mean it's 9 30 people are like you're tired i'm like no i'm 48 man i ain't tired this is what my body does i remember one of my buddies i feel like 41 he's like i picked him up he got in the car he's like what are we doing i'm like what the fuck i do i stretch and crack my back like let's get it let's take a quick break and tell you about our next sponsor go henry teaching your own kids how to be responsible with money doesn't have to be tough go henry makes it easy to teach kids a lifetime of financial skills helping your kids be financially literate can make a huge difference in their future, and GoHenry can help. I got this little card for my daughter. I'm putting money on

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Now, let's get back to the do. The mind is poison sometimes. I went through my own thing. So after my daughter's mother told me she wanted to split, it was October 2015. We're a year. My daughter's a year old. And all that come of the, oh, my God, you know, control, and my kids are going to be around other people and this and that, and then, boom, I get kidney stones.

Then, boom, my legs start clotting, and then they don't know. They're telling me it could be leukemia and lymphoma, and I'm like, you know, my doctor's like, I'm going to send you to the oncologist. Don't panic. I'm like, already I'm panicking. Yeah, yeah. Isn't that a blood cancer doctor? He's like, yeah.

I'm like, yeah, I'm panicking. He's like, but it's right next door. I'm like, I don't panicking. Yeah, yeah. Isn't that a blood cancer doctor? He's like, yeah. I'm like, yeah, I'm panicking. He's like, but it's right next door. I'm like, I don't give a fuck where it is. Dude, the fact that they even tested you for that, I would have just thrown myself in a guest room for another two months. I'm telling you. So check this, right? So this is why I asked you how long it was. So shit.

I go in, and this doctor and I have this conversation. This dude's cool as shit. He's like, look, look man i don't see it too often like that both legs clot like this like and it's funny because they ask me at first they're like is anyone beating you at home like who who's coming at me who's coming at me listen nobody wants if somebody i wish somebody would hit me right now i'd love to get some anger yeah yeah that's fucking somebody beat you at home. That explains it.

I'm like, that's what this is. I'm in and out of the hospital three, four different times. They can't figure out what the fuck it is, and it's progressively getting worse. And I remember coming home, and I mean this was my darkest. And I remember coming home and looking at my daughter's mother and she's like, what is it today? And I was like, look, they think I might have leukemia or lymphoma. I've got to go through a bunch of these tests. Just can you just can you just back off?

Can you just back off? Because we're still like I haven't had to move out. Shit. It's Christmas. It's Thanksgiving. I'm going through it. And the doctor gives me his personal cell phone number i go oh my god he's like what i guess the most nervous i've ever been in my life he goes

what do you mean i go a cancer doctor just gave me you're allowing me to interrupt your weekend if some shit goes wrong fuck his boat on saturday yeah right and i'm like you want me to contact he's like look you're yeah i guess there's a normal number for what your blood levels and shit should be. And I was like seven times higher. And he's like, I am going to put you on blood thinners now. We're just going to bring you. He's like, it's my belief I can reset you to zero, and then you'll be good to go. I'm like, all right.

He's like, but you got to come back in two weeks. I'm like, for two weeks? That's what I asked. For two weeks, I'm walking around every day's why i asked for two weeks i'm walking around every day doing stand-up going to work doing whatever a parent i'm single parenting wondering if i'm about to die and never see this little fucking kid and yeah i'm losing my shit that's that's mental prison dude that's mental prison it's mental torture even the two days that i went in my thing it was just really like the xanax got me to sleep and shit or made me at least calm down but and you know what's funny

is like my wife you know my wife uh she goes hey yeah i went to the doctor she goes this is how strong she is she just plows through because she's got that i'm that i'm mediterranean i'm a fucking passionate fucking sicilian greek and my wife is like finnish swedish german irish they go yeah she goes they found a spot on my lung. They saw something in my lung, so I'm just going to test it to make sure. And then never talked about it at work. And I'm like, I'm a bitch. So I'm a bitch.

My wife is like, I'm like, a spot on your lung? I was like, do you want to go to a fucking, do you want to go sit somewhere? I'll fucking, like, do you want to go to a bed and breakfast? I'll take care. Like, we don't know how much time you got and she's fucking working and shit taking care of the kids

oh you need to take care of the kids like having her shit together and me and I think it now looking back like now I'm not really

like it is like I just learned like life dude I want if I could tell this one story man because this was something that let me this is I think we also know

like you get more you know mortality right you know well can I say that i want to finish this story because this is what this lady said to me oh sure i walk in yeah and um she just looks at me she's like how are you feeling i'm like i'm exhausted i just i'm here to get these damn results and i don't know how to feel and then um she's not supposed to tell me. And she goes, I saw your results. I'm like, oh, my God. Can you tell me?

She goes, I'm not supposed to. I go, will you tell me? She goes, you're good. I go, I am. She's like, you're fucking good. Oh, fuck. She goes, let me tell you. And I was like, oh.

And I'm just relieved. At that point, I am so like, oh, God. And she looked at me. And I've said this before on this show. And I'll say it again. Because it's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me. It's one of the most powerful things that everyone's ever said to me. And it was a positive for both of us. And she looked at me and she goes, what are you doing after this?

And I said, I'm just going to go home and relax. And she goes, go celebrate. And I go, yeah, you know, whatever. She goes, listen to me. Go celebrate. And I go, yeah, you know, whatever. She goes, listen to me. Go celebrate. She goes, it's my job every day to tell people they have cancer. I have to come and tell people they have cancer, the thing you feared most. And today I got to tell you, you didn't.

You go celebrate that. I still get chills every time. And I'll never forget it hit me. And I was like, fuck, yeah, I'm going to go celebrate tonight. Then I'm going to drink. I'm going to smoke. I'm going to have, fuck yeah, I'm going to go celebrate tonight. Then I'm going to drink. I'm going to smoke. I'm going to have a good meal. I'm going to celebrate life tonight.

Dude, that feeling – and this is – if we ever do this again, I had a four-day cancer scare when they took this thing out of my – they had emergency surgery. And for four days I waited for it. But when you find out that you're good and what people don't understand is you take for granted not being in pain. We take for granted our eyes. I was in pain. Dude, pain. Pain, chest pain, everything. I remember I had like a fucking stigmatism in my left eye.

I'm like, yo, am I going to see that line forever? Because that's not okay. Is that squiggling real life? Yeah, that's like – and you start to realize. You're like, yeah, man. Like you got to – but I think the pandemic put a lot of things into perspective. Like it really did as far as – and when you asked me the last question, I'll get to that. But I just got to tell you this story about my cat.

Yeah, please. I got to tell you a story about my cat, okay? So I'll make it – the short of it is this. For my wife's 26th birthday, I bought her – I got her this kitten. And she named it Thomas. And this motherfucker grew up to be a fucking 20 pound hall of famer. But we got his brother Stanley the next day because I, a friend picked Thomas and then, and brought him to me and I go, let me see

if I would have picked them. So I went to see the litter and this little gray cat all curious. I go, that's the motherfucker I would have got. So then she, I tell her that. And now we have Stanley and Thomas fast forward 16 years years they've been to us with all of our houses with our kids both of them still together both of them still together okay all they knew and then we bring in the dog and that's a whole other story but these two cats were with us for 16 thomas for 16 years and three months and now he's gone and and stanley who is still there now and And when I tell you, I'm not trying to be funny. They left a dead mouse on the welcome mat every day for a year. Did they really?

Different mouse. Here's what we brought to you. They crushed shit. Thomas dragged in a chipmunk. Yeah, I found out that they want to show you as a gift. Right, as their reward. I didn't know. So this dude dragged in a fucking chipmunk.

I'll show you the picture. He dragged in a chipmunk and I just hear my wife downstairs going, okay, yeah, good job. And this fucking big ass chipmunk was bludgeoned and he's just sitting there

like a baby lion next to this thing that he just beat the shit out of, right? Good job. Now no cost is too much for me with my cats. Yeah.

Okay, or my dog. Me and Bird talked about this on the podcast so I don't want to repeat myself but I'll get into this. I pay. I signed a $400 resusc, but I'll get into this. I pay. I signed a $400 resuscitate in the middle of the night for my cat. Resuscitate this.

And he was 16. I was like, I don't give a fuck. Bring him back. If he dies, I want him back. I don't give a fuck. I'll pay whatever it is. He's been with us for a long time. And I see Thomas.

He started acting weird for two months, and he's laboring now. And he would be like this. And this piece of shit vet took $700 from me. And then two days later, took another 700 going, I think, oh, it's just, I think we could help him. And he knew he was dying. And that really bothers me. He knew he was dying.

But this big, beautiful cat who was my, in our family for fucking 16 years. And I'm looking at him for two nights and he's given the look. And I'm going, I think this is the guy goes, I drained all this fluid from him. He should be better. And he didn't get, he goes, he might be better for a week or so. I still paid the $700 to keep this, to see if he'll bounce back. I'm watching him, dude. And, uh, I'm just looking at him and I just, I know I go,

I can't make him go through this another night. So I go, if he makes it through the night, you know, I'm going to just, cause sometimes there's different scenarios people say let them die they like to run away and be alone that's a beautiful thing people don't know about cats cats i didn't know that cats are dope when cats die they're so proud they want to go alone so when i can he tried he tried getting out of the door when a cat's gonna die whether it's a domestic cat or a big cat in the wild they're they go off alone and they die alone yeah it's like what's his name in Young Guns what was it what was this fucking

Lou Diamond Phillips his character yeah Chavez Chavez he's out there doing it with his horse his horse and shit

yeah that's right he did he went by himself he leaned against the wall and he saw the fucking spirit horse yo don't sleep on Young Guns

that shit was dope it is great Billy the Kid but anyway so um i digress so um i see him and he's laboring and shit and i know i know that it's it's it's time to go somewhere and talk to the people and stuff now my son you know that song by marshmallow uh this is some sappy shit but this is like you know i saw my Marshmello lately. I've been thinking I want you to be happier. So I just thought it's a song about like relationships and shit. My son goes, I don't like that song. And I go, why? He's

asked, just there's a dog in it and it's sad. Now I'm really down and sad. And this started if I was in Oklahoma City performing and I knew Thomas was in bad shape. I thought he bounced back. I came back and I knew that it was probably going to be the last time I ever go away and see the cat again. And I'm looking at him and he just was in the same – he was done. He was done. And I go, let me just see what that song is about before I take him. So I'm laying on my bed and I play the Marshmallows video like a dick. And it's a little girl.

The fucking video is a little girl. I've never seen it. Oh, dude. And I just – the day I'm taking him, I go, let me just – let me wallow in more pain. Let me just really fucking experience this horror, right? I don't know why we do that. When I was afraid to fly, I would watch plane crashes just to – Me too.

Yeah, yeah. Let me – I know I'm taking this poor thing, which is probably done. Let me see this sad video that my son doesn't want me to – doesn't like because of animals. And the song comes on. I want you to be happier. And it's a little girl who gets a puppy and she gets the puppy. She's sad and she gets the puppy and she's happy. And then as she grows, the puppy grows and then she goes to high school and the puppy grows.

And now she's about to go to – and she's sad because they go to the vet and they got to put this fucking thing down. Okay? And I got to tell myself it's a video. That dog's alive. Okay? That dog's getting residual. You sang after. That dog's getting, their parents are getting a check. I'm sitting there.

He's getting the medical insurance. We're not getting that. And I'm like, I'm looking at this little girl and getting the medical insurance we're not getting and i'm like i'm looking at this little girl and then the father comes in the fucking room and looks at the little girl and shakes his head like this as if to say that's all we could do and the dog dies and i'm on the bed and i'm i'm not crying but it's fucking me up and i put the phone down like all right thomas we're gonna go and in my mind i'm going well maybe you shouldn't have done that and i take the cat and I put him in a thing. And it was Stacy's cat.

It was her gift when she was 26. She goes, can I just have a couple of minutes? And she goes in and she comes out and she's wiping her eyes and she's crying. And I told her, my daughter was very, my daughter's got that Sicilian. She has a hard time. She goes from like happy little girl to I'll kill everybody in your family. She goes from like happy little girl to I'll kill everybody in your family. Yeah, yeah.

And so I – Lucas is crying and Sophie is just like looking and Sophie thinks – I think in her mind maybe there's a chance he's coming back because this has happened before. But I kind of know he's not going to come back. So I go and the woman at the – I go to the thing and the woman comes out and I recognized her and she used to work for that piece of shit that took money. and comes out and I recognized her and she used to work for that piece of shit that took money. And I go, yeah, I really wasn't happy with and she just was like, she didn't say anything, but she was like, yeah, I haven't been there for three years. And she goes, but I remember you. And I go and she looks at him and she goes, let me take him in.

She goes, I'm going to just do an x-ray. I'm not going to charge you. I want to see what's going on. And I was like, you know, just tell me what you would do. But he's been, it's bad. So I'm in the car and I'm sitting there and I'm just fucking waiting. And I know she's coming out.

Hand to God, that song from Marshmello comes on the radio. I swear to God on my children. I swear to God on my, I would never say that on the show. I would never, I'm sitting in this fucking driver's seat, dude. I'm sitting in this driver's seat, my fucking, I got a beard, I look like a fucking, and I'm sitting there in my fucking jet black beard, my bald head, and I'm sitting in this fucking Lexus looking around.

And all of a sudden, lately I've been. And I'm going, no, dude. No, dude. You got to be. Are you bullshitting? And that's when I was like, there's something else in this life. I don't know what the fuck, dude. Yeah, there definitely is.

By the way, this is 100% true. I've never talked. This is 100% true. I've never told, this is 100% true. That song came on an hour and a half after I put myself through pain on my bed while my cat was in the bathroom and I listened to it and now it's on. And I know at that moment, she's going to tell me he's done. And dude, I got the chills right now. She comes out and she goes, look, she goes, I took a little sample of the fluid from the chest and she showed me it was like this.

It wasn't good. And she goes, his lungs are floating in fluid his heart there is something and and i i looked at her and i said you got to just tell me if it was your cat what would you do and she goes i hate when people ask me that paul but she goes to be honest she goes i i would put him to sleep he's just not he's not gonna and uh so she goes how do you want to do it do you want to come in we could do it and and i go i'll she goes you could stay with him for a little bit. So I go into this room. I don't know if anybody's ever done this before. But you go in a room and they have like a nice visiting room that you could sit.

They say, you spend as much time with the cat as you want and there's a doorbell. Ring the doorbell when you're ready for the fucking executioner to come in, right? So I go in and he doesn't even want to be held. Like he's – oh, what they first do is they shave his they shave the they shave like this i guess you would say his wrist area yeah and they put the catheter in of where things are going to go and i'm trying to hold him and he's kind of he wants to retreat and this is a nice cat and i know agar he's he's i saw the look on his face and he was skinny and stuff and whatever it was they said it was probably from a cancer that's been

there and i think that's why he was acting weird for two months. He would sit with my wife, but something was off. And then he went like under the table in this waiting room thing. And he was just sitting there and I looked at him and I go, all right. So I ring the bell. She comes in and she goes, all right, this is how it works. She goes, there's three shots. She goes, one shot is going to like relax him. The other shot is going to put him to sleep, but he's alive. And then the third shot is the one that does it. So she's like, what do you want to do? And I go, I don't want to be here for the third shot.

I go, can I hold him while you relax him and put him to sleep? And then she goes, that's fine. So I'm holding him. And dude, his head is right here and i'm literally his arm is dangling oh dude and she comes over she puts it in him and she's going it's all right and all of a sudden as he gets the first one he kind of goes up and she goes that's just him feeling it then she gives him the other one and he just goes he's limp and i'm holding him and the weird thing is when you put an animal to sleep when they're alive because he's still

alive at this point their their eyes are open. Like they don't have eyelids and shit. So like we have eyelids. But like imagine if our shit was folded. So they're just – so he's – and I'm holding him. And I just – I remember I petted him. I kissed him. I put him on a blanket and he just was like – it was like a stuffed animal.

And I walked out and I couldn't even do the paperwork or take the taxi thing. I just walked out. I left. But the weird thing was there was something amazing that like he lived the life that he lived. Like it was this weird lesson that I never – by the way, I'm done with that. After these other two die, I'm done. It's too much. I'm not doing this shit no more.

Okay, I'm not – I'm done. I'm not fucking – it's horrible. It is. It's like they don't tell you that shit when it's fucking jumping in the window. You know? This thing is licking and it's horrible it is it's like it's like they don't tell you that shit when it's fucking jumping in the window yeah you know you know this thing's licking and it's follicling you see the thing when it's tongue out it's fucking eyes rolled back like they don't you know so that should be in the like they should talk about that when you get hey you know it's gonna get real fucked up in 15 years right is that it yeah um but it kind of taught me a lesson that like he lived like i said like dude he would like kill birds and robins and chipmunks.

He was a great cat and it just let me like – it made life go like if I could live like that, like if you can get through that – and I know I'm talking about a cat. But it's kind of a lesson that that cat had or that I got from the cat and it's like pandemic put me there. Pandemic put me there and going like you know um life is like you got to put things into perspective it was a good reset for a lot of people and it was because i feel like a lot of people before pandemic myself included were on a hamster wheel and we're just doing the same shit and we're just going and then all of a sudden you're like wait a minute like you got to put things into perspective and you got to understand and appreciate things and as listen i know that sounds corny and cliche but cliche. But that corny cliche shit comes when it's supposed to.

It does. You know, and so it was hard, you know. And then right when I'm over it and I almost celebrate it, I'm in the car picking my son up. And I get a call and they go, I just want to let you know we have Thomas's Ashes whenever you want to. And I'm just going like, bitch, can you deliver it? Like it's fucking 2 in the afternoon. I mean it's 2 in the afternoon. I mean, it's 2 in the afternoon. I don't need this midday.

I don't need this midday. Can you drop this shit off at 2 a.m. when we're sleeping? Just slingshot it over the porch. I want to go get a roast beef sandwich. I'm fucking out thinking of this shit. It comes with like a paw print. It's like, what, they're giving a picture and shit? You know, so

but yeah. But, you know, so, but you know what? We're doing good. Now we know that Stanley, they're real brothers. So Stanley's that age and he's older. He's got diabetes and shit. So it's like, I know what to expect. And I know, but in a weird way, it was a lesson

because I never dealt with that before. And I kind of got to see that he was done. He was ready. So yeah, it was definitely something that was hard to do. But that song coming on in the car gave me something. I don't know where you stand on signs. Oh, big. I'm big on that.

Dude, I'm big on that too. That was not normal. And that song is two years old. Because you know when you have a hit song like like the new uh taylor swift joint that that's in a rotation of 17 songs so that keeps going this this shit this is at a rotation down there with don't worry be happy yeah this is with the b-52s and shit. So when that came on, I was like, oh, shit. She's going to come out and say that he's done. And I know now.

And I'm sitting there. And it was just a really unbelievable experience. That's great, dude. Look, thank you for coming on and talking about this. Because what I love about you, like, you're just a dude. You too, man. You too. And a lot of people have said, like um that this isn't the norm they like to

see guys like us who they consider real guys or whatever the fuck that means yeah i'm talking about this shit therapy battling depression and the mental that fucking torture that's up here you know i say all the time and this is men and women especially in this fucking city and even on tv more and more i'm seeing people put money into their hair and their face and their lips and their cheeks and their asses and stomachs and not a bit of it into mental health. Yeah. And I look at it like these guys that think it's like too macho.

I almost think it's more of a bitch thing to not address it. It's like because you don't want to see the oncoming car, car right you don't want to see that you you don't want to face what blindly walking forward it's like no man like if you address that and get through it then you're going to be and then you're also going to be it's also selfish because you're gonna be better for your kids yeah we're gonna keep drinking think about you're gonna keep drinking through it you're gonna keep you know drowning the pain you're gonna keep being mean to your wife you're gonna keep being an asshole you're gonna keep hiding like holding this thing in what's like no i want to address it because i want to i want to move on but i appreciate what you said and

that's why i'm here like like i said before you know as a comic you come out here and it's like hey let's do podcasts i wanted to i met you i wanted to do it and and when when people listen to the versi effect or they listen to me and and burrs podcast like one of the number one compliments i get is well i mean you guys just you you guys just... Anytime you hear the words real or genuine dude, honest dude, that's why I'm not here for... I don't want to come out here even though it's part of the business and get on a podcast just because they're popular. I don't know the people and it's some Hollywood shit. I'm just being honest.

If that hurts me or that takes me a little longer, then let it take me longer, but I don't want to sit down with fake shit. And this isn't fake. This is real. No, time is valuable, man, especially when you talk about it. It's funny to me. We were just talking to somebody the other day about how long have whales been on the earth versus dinosaurs. And they came after dinosaurs, but they've been on the earth for 50 million years.

Wow. Whale species. 50 million fucking years and i thought like we're talking about the species that's been on this planet for 50 million years and if someone's lucky they live a healthy 100 years i mean what what is 100 years when we're talking about 50 fuck it's a sneeze it's a it's a nothing it's it's that's why that song dust in the wind man we are we are a little i don't know if it was Sarah Silverman or somebody. It's like we are literally a piece of lint.

This is a quick ride. I'll never forget my grandfather, Frank, my father's father, Frank Verzi, rest his soul. He sat down one time on the couch and he just goes – he was in his 70s. He goes, Paul, it goes fast. And now I'm sitting here, 42,, I've definitely accomplished a lot of things. Getting a comedy special that did well. Doing an album that did well. And working on the next one.

And just doing this as a job has been an amazing thing to do. But, like, there's other things that I want to do, of course. But to just be here, two kids, healthy, thank God. And you go to yourself like, wow, man, like a decade is going to come quick. Like a decade. I remember my 25th birthday cake and i remember it said 25 ryan that shit felt like two weeks ago so it's like we are you right man like just just last night i sat down and wrote because you know they always say where do you see yourself in five years that old bullshit question i thought last night it dawned on me that my daughter's six

and holy shit it's been five years since i've been on my own as a single parent with my daughter sharing custody and i was like man five years and i sat down i started laundry listing all the shit i've done in five years and i was like god damn. I'm really proud of myself. The accomplishments I've made personally, the growth I've made personally and professionally, I can't believe all the shit I've done in five years. The list isn't even done. There's more teaching and working with nonprofit and giving back and all that shit.

And the number one thing you do, man, seriously, is you're a father to your daughter, and you make that a priority, man, and that's the priority.'re you're a father to your daughter and like you make that a priority man and then and that's the priority i don't give i don't i'm telling you the best credit we'll ever get is dad yeah i don't give a fuck about anything beyond that i really don't you know this you know we look at rich i will never forget richard prior passing away the arguably the greatest yeah comedian artist in our genre right one of no doubt and he got a i think someone else died on the same day he got this little fucking corner

and it was over yeah you know what i mean and it's over and it's like yeah we're we got we got a business full of fucking pedophiles and freaks and rapists and shit what do i want your goddamn approval for i just need it from my my kid and the people out there. God bless you all. Night Pants Nation. Love it. That's it. Yeah.

Well, who – I think about this too. He actually lives in my neighborhood. I saw him jogging the other day. But who was in the business for 30-plus years, megastar, and went away, retired? You don't hear about him. Martin Short. Nope. Comedian?

David Letterman. Yeah. He did his farewells fucking Foo Fighters. Did his HBO thing about him. Martin Short. Nope. Comedian? David Letterman. Yeah. He did his farewells fucking Foo Fighters. Did his HBO thing and done. Foo Fighters, right? And then nobody even, that catalog of work. That's how you do it. Think about it.

That catalog of work, you know? And he lives in my neighborhood. I see him jogging, his head down, his beard. But like that catalog of work. And when it's over, people go, oh yeah, man, that was a great talk show. And that's it. I said Martin Short, by the way, and I meant Rick Moranis. That's who I meant.

Rick Moranis bounced to take care of his kids. Yeah, yeah. Recently got stabbed or some shit. But I was going to like with like the credit thing where it's like you do that whole body of work and it's like that's great. And people know your catalog and you did some iconic shit. That's great. But at the end of the day, it's like, oh, yeah, man, now i see him jogging all the time it's like he's dad he's dad he also this tv show and it just makes you think it's like what's important because what what i

what will never be you know i know i won't is be some 65 year old single dude living in a you know studio apartment wondering about how many spots i got tonight and i don't have coming fuck that no way no way i didn't want to be that if at 50 yeah yeah you know fuck that dude yeah well brother thank you for coming on now something i ask everybody's first time on advice you'd give to your 16 year old self so now knowing what we've talked about here, what would you tell 16-year-old Paul Verzi? I would tell 16-year-old Paul Verzi, one, no matter how far away it is, if your mind is to it, if you keep your mind to it, you will do shit that you don't even think you could ever do. And two, I would say what you think is important isn't. What you think matters now isn't. God, that's great. You think it matters now. Believe me. It means everything to you right now.

It means everything. It's your whole life right now. It's your whole world. It means dick. I unfortunately, I found that out. And the reason I would tell my 16-year-old self that is because now I'm going, I would drive from upstate New York away from my children on a Wednesday night. We'd have dinner and I'd have to rush or I'd miss dinner to go do a $25 spot for a booker that I want to keep booking me on a Wednesday night in the city an hour away. I'm losing money. And I'd leave these beautiful people here.

And guess what? If that booker got hit by a bus, I got to find the next motherfucker. That's right. So imagine what I'm – so I'm leaving my family and all these important things in my life that I'm getting up and leaving. And the pandemic let me know, hey, I wasn't on stage for five months. And then I went to Arizona Headline and I was fine. So perspective. That booker and that approval doesn't matter.

That comedian who's mentally ill judging you doesn't matter you know and and so so i would tell my 16 year old self stay the course with blinders on about what you want because the rest is is noise uh my buddy andrew thomas who produces diversi effect and anything better he goes those other people are like the people in a video game just walking away like a like they're even – they're walking their shit. But you don't think that at the time because when you're 16 – oh, I got to get to that. But when I was 16, I was like, I'm going to beat that guy's keg stand tonight. I'm going to do 91 seconds.

91. You know? Yeah. And I'm going like, what? So I'd be like, that shit's not important. What's important is really bettering yourself and not other people's approval. Other people's approval that doesn't matter can dominate us. Yes.

I've seen some really great comedians that both me and you know that are in their 30s, 40s, and 50s that give a fuck about some irrelevant something. The guy that's got 17 followers that just shit on whatever they did. Cares. Yes. Cares. Yes. Cares. Their whole life is dead. And you either have a beautiful family at home that you're neglecting because of that or you don't have any family because you're concentrated on that. So that's what I would tell him. I would tell him like that.

That shit doesn't matter. Focus on you and what's going to better you and make you happy and everything else is outside noise. That's great, dude. Yeah. Please promote whatever you'd like again yes guys please go to uh my youtube channel my website uh paulverzi.com has all ticket links i'm gonna be if you guys are in the boston area new england area uh connecticut new york come out to the wilbur theater in boston i will be there october 22nd it's my first theater show it got postponed

twice because of covid it was supposed to be in june then march it'll be october 22nd. It's my first theater show. It got postponed twice because of COVID. It was supposed to be in June, then March. It'll be October 22nd. I will be at the Fairfield Community Theater on July 23rd in Fairfield, Connecticut. You can go to that. And I will be shooting my special in September directed, directorial debut

by my good friend Pete Davidson. We're going to have a lot of shows leading up to that. Ticket links will be available there. Go to my YouTube channel. Thank you so much for having me, man. You got it, brother. Thank you for being here. As always, Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com. We'll talk to you all next week. I'm out.