The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Rachel Wolfson - HoneyWolfson

Episode Date: June 19, 2023

My HoneyDew this week is comedian, Rachel Wolfson! (Jackass Forever) Rachel Highlights the Lowlights of borderline personality disorder, mental health, and being sent to lockdown (therapeutic boarding school) her senior year. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://youtube.com/@rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail] CATCH ME ON TOUR https://www.ryansickler.com/tour June 23 & 24: Tacoma, WA July 7 & 8: Appleton, WI August 18 & 19: Tampa, FL September 1 & 2: Springfield, MO September 15 & 16: Tulsa, OK SUBSCRIBE to The HoneyDew Clips Channel http://bit.ly/ryansicklerclips SUBSCRIBE TO THE CRABFEAST PODCAST https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187 SPONSORS: Nutraful -For a limited time, US listeners can get ten dollars off your first scalp care order when you go to https://www.nutrafol.com/SCALP and ends promo code HONEYDEW Mindbloom -Get $100 off your first six sessions when you go to https://www.Mindbloom.com/podcast/honeydew Liquid I.V. -Get 20% off when you go to https://www.LiquidIV.com and use code HONEYDEW

The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Nightpan Studios. I'm Ryan Sickler at ryansickler.com and Ryan Sickler on all your social media. And again, thank you guys. Thank you for supporting this channel. Thank you for supporting this show. Thank you for supporting the guests on this show. You guys are the best fans. It's like when your kids go over for a sleepover and then

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Now you know what we do over here. We highlight the lowlights. I always say these are the stories behind the storytellers. I'm very excited to have this guest on today. First time here on The Honeydew, ladies and gentlemen. Please welcome Rachel Wolfson. Welcome to The Honeydew, Rachel. Thank you so much for having me.

Thank you. Thank you for being here. We've talked about it for a little bit. We have. And then I think you, Caitlin, by the way, thank you. My girl, Caitlin, hit me up with your number because I never got your info that night. That's right. And I'm off my social media, and I think you messaged me on social media.

I think that's great that you're off on social media. Has that, like, helped with your mind? Yes. Okay. Maybe I need to do that. I check on it so I know things are going on. I'm there. I'm present with it.

I certainly respond, you know, if it's something nice. But I was like. Other than that. No, I'm there. I'm present with it. I certainly respond if it's something nice, but I was like, no, I can't. I was sitting next to my daughter one day and she's like, dad, can we play? Can we play? I'm like, I got to do this stupid post. And I'm like, what the hell am I doing? 30 minutes of my day doing posts for what? It's a job now. doing posts for what? It's a job now. I don't like, I personally, this is just me talking about me. I've taken my social media as far as I can. It now, like when I laid in the hospital and I had nothing to do but try to live, I just looked at social media apps and I watched different trends on this one and music on this one. I was like, man, this is a job for someone. And it's, you know, you really need someone who knows how to do it.

And I don't know how to do it. I think that's like true success is like not being on social media. I agree. It's going to switch. At some point, like all these people are on it. And then at some point, like every culture gets anti, like we're not going to do that. So social media will be this thing they don't do, and they'll figure out another thing. And then it'll come back again.

We'll have to talk to each other in person. Yeah, remember? Listen, I really think that, like, I know there's this thing today, at least with a lot of, like, younger girls and older guys. And I just think it's because older guys know how to talk to women because we didn't have a social media. We had to suck it up and walk across the bar in front of our friends knowing nine times out of 10 you're getting gunned down. Yes, yes. And it builds up a little bit of a metal.

It builds up a self-esteem in a way, too. We're like, I'm getting used to this now. I'm not scared to go over and do it. I think that's what it is. I don't think it's this like, oh, these daddies or whatever. I just think these guys are like, well, I just know how to treat you like a person. You're not just someone I go, want a bang? No. Swipe, want a bang? No. Swipe, want a bang? I have to talk to you and invest time in you and learn how to tell you who I am and be comfortable with that. It doesn't really exist that much these days.

Now you can get rejected by 100 women on social media. In 10 minutes. In 10 minutes. But you think your statistics, though, there's got to be at least one or two who would consider. Yeah. So it kind of, yeah. That's it. I remember a babysitter of mine.

She was a beautiful Italian girl. And she said, I finally went online. And I go, show me how many dudes are in here. No. And she went like – I thought her skin was going to fall off her finger. She was scrolling so much. She goes, my guy friend did it. He's got three.

Oh, yeah. And I said, so wait. So Mr. Wright could mathematically be in this mix. She's like, uh-huh. I go, but you would have to date – She's like, mm-hmm, I guess. I started a whole DMs account actually on Instagram based off all the DMs I've received pretty much since the movie's come out.

It's a collection of humbling moments, really. I have a whole series called Almost Compliments. And I think the best one I got was someone wrote that I'm way too hot to have no ass. Yeah. So really took me down a few notches, but I appreciate it. So it was literally a backhanded compliment. I remember one of the best I've seen on the spot was Matt Fulcheron.

We were at the Irvine Improv, the old Irvine Improv years ago. And we got done. We were in the lobby just handing out CDs or whatever back in the day. What are those? Right? And this girl came up to Matt and she went, you're kind of funny. And on the spot, he went, you're kind of pretty. And I mean, boom.

Oh, my God. Out the door. And I was like, oh. Dang. I've never forgotten it all right before we get into what we're going to talk about thank you again for being here please plug promote everything rachel wolfson um so you can follow me on instagram at rachel wolfson twitter at wolfie comedy venmo at wolfie comedy then you can follow me on my website, rachelwolvesoncomedy.com.

That has my shows. And I have shows coming up in Tampa and Miami. Miami is July 21st. Tampa is the 23rd. And also Palm Springs or Indio in November. But I'll have spots in between as well, shows and whatnot. So just check my website. And you mentioned you're in Jackass, the latest Jackass out um about a year ago i think yeah yeah over a year ago i watched you on my flight

because it's the it's on the airplane well it's the uh i had downloaded it on netflix but it's not the full movie what is it two point what is it 4.5 it's basically yeah four point the 0.5s are like documentary style and things that couldn't um that didn't fit in the movie but were so good that they had to – it's basically extra footage. So what did you think? I thought it was great. Okay. I mean, I love all those guys from back in the day, even the CKY and all that stuff. So I also want to say this because this is a very interesting thing about you.

We just tried to call Segura outside to tell him because you just said you did YMH. I was like, God damn it, because I was going to tell Tom today that I was having you on and who your mom is and what your mom did. Because Tom and I have this affection for OJ Simpson's absurdity. Of course. Like, why are they asking me about the Murdoch murders? Well, maybe because you have history with multiple murders. Maybe that's a reason people are talking about you. OJ's opinions.

I love them. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a follower of his Twitter as well. So tell us, before we get into your whole life story, tell everybody about your mom and what happened. Because listen, also, I'm interrupting, but that's what introduced me to you is your clip. I think it's at the Laugh Factory where you said

that. I was like, who's this girl? Yeah. So my connection to OJ is my mom was the presiding judge over his robbery case that took place in Las Vegasgas and um it was um she was the one yeah who presided over his case and the jury sent him to prison for it i think he got nine to 33 years and like served i think i don't know nine or something um did he really do that long nine he actually did that i think so but i don't yeah he didn't do the full like the dude's back there stealing his old cleats and shit he's yeah he's out living in vegas um the same town where my family lives and um so yeah that's basically my connection to it and i just i have a joke about it and um yeah. What is it your mom put OJ in prison?

So my mom, my mom was the judge who put OJ Simpson in prison. So basically OJ Simpson got sent to prison by the same woman who sent me to my room. But we got out. So yeah. Here you are. Yeah. Well, tell me about your life growing up then. So I was born and raised in Las Vegas. And my parents at the time were both lawyers and they

had a law firm together, Criminal Defense. They met at the courthouse. My mom was a TV news reporter and my dad was a prosecutor in the prosecutor's office. And he used to watch my mom on TV. And he said that he was going to marry that woman. And so they would just cross paths at work. My mom would be reporting on stories. My dad would be, you know, going. Obsessing over her.

And your mom had no idea this dude liked her like that at first? Probably not because, you know, it was before social media and there's, you know, you actually had to hit on a woman, most likely at work. But they, so they started dating. They got married. My mom, before they got married, she went to law school. And then they eventually opened up a law firm together. And my mom, she was always working in this male-dominated field, such as TV news reporting and then moving on to be a criminal defense attorney. So yeah, they opened up a law firm together.

They had me. Then they had my sister. She's four and a half years younger than me. And yeah, they raised us in Las Vegas. And, yeah, that's – what else do you – That's your background? That's pretty much, yeah. I was –

Were you a good kid? Were you a good student? No, I was diagnosed with ADHD at five. Why? What made your parents look into that? I couldn't sit still. I was a distraction. I couldn't pay attention.

I wouldn't listen. I was defiant. And I think a lot of it was i like school i had a hard time concentrating so they had me evaluated and um i was originally diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder at five i've never even heard of that what is that odd i think it's just oppositional defiant yeah i think it like morphed into ADHD or something, but it's like. But is that just saying like, I don't want to do this? I think honestly, I was just one of those kids that got like, obviously I have issues,

but I was one of those kids that got medicated really early on stimulants. So I was diagnosed with that at five. And then when I was 12, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on lithium. Okay, hold on. Let's pause there for a second. Then does that mean, excuse me, that the initial diagnosis of ADHD was incorrect and all along it was? I don't think so. I think a lot of these diagnoses run like together.

Yeah. So I was diagnosed bipolar, which ended up being borderline personality disorder, which I got diagnosed in college. And I found out that – So ADHD at five, at 12 is borderline? Is bipolar. I'm sorry, bipolar. And that was a misdiagn, at 12 is borderline? Is bipolar. I'm sorry, bipolar. And that was a misdiagnosis, I believe. Oh, okay.

Do you believe the ADHD was – No, I think I definitely have ADHD. Okay, so that was accurate. All right. So I found out when I was older, actually recently, that a lot of people, I think, get diagnosed bipolar instead of borderline because I think the doctors or the insurance companies or something can't bill for it. It's like really fucked up. Because there's no medication you can take for borderline.

It's just talk therapy. Oh, is that right? Like you can get medicated for like let's say you have depression or anxiety, which can run along um borderline as well but for borderline specifically there's no medication for it so oftentimes they'll diagnose you as bipolar and yeah i think that's really messed up i've been seeing a lot of like discourse on twitter about other people who've had that same experience. And ultimately then you're getting medicated for things that you might not have. So I was on

lithium at 12 and I developed a thyroid disorder because of it. And I gained a lot of weight and my mom took me to Weight Watchers. Not thinking about the lithium thinking about. Well, I was at that. Well, at that point I had to get tested for thyroid disorder and it was linked to the lithium because you have to get tested blood tests every few months if you're on lithium. What does lithium do to you? I think it's like I think it's like a heavy like mood stabilizer antidepressant. Basically, I just remember being like zonked out. You do. Yeah. There's a lot of like memory gaps in my life where people will tell me something happened and I just have zero memory of it because I was on a lot of medication. Like I was on Seroquel at one point, which is a tranquilizer.

And yeah, so there's gaps in my memory. And so 12, you're on this and you develop a thyroid issue. Came off the lithium. My thyroid got readjusted. I lost the weight. And then I went to – I was diagnosed at UCLA Medical Center, the hospital here, when I was 12. That's how they diagnosed me. Okay. So how long were you on that lithium? Not very long. Yeah. It was probably like less than a year because I had to come off because

of the thyroid. And then you start entering high school and are you just on ADHD meds? high school and are you just on adhd meds no i'm on um i'm on adhd meds and i'm also on antidepressants mood stabilizers anti-anxiety that's a lot for a kid and what's it doing to you is it helping or is it what do you say it was doing to you do you feel like it helped you or do you feel like it hindered you in ways? I think it numbed me out. I think that I – because of the medication that I was on, I wasn't able to really process a lot of the issues that were underlying what I was going through. And that's what has come out in my 20s and my 30s. Tell me. What were you going through? It's a lot of, well, with Borderline, the basis of it is it's a person has unstable moods,

behaviors, and relationships. And you think, who doesn't have that, right? But it's really not having the emotional regulation and tools to handle those feelings that other people might be able to handle. For me, when I experience rejection and abandonment, it's end of the world. It's emotions that I just experience it at such a high level that I have to use tools, whether it be like going to the freezer and getting an ice pack to physically calm the intensity that I'm feeling. So everyone has those emotions, right? Anger, sadness, whatever. Mine are dialed up to 10. So it's just basically emotional dysregulation and that leads to a lot of instability in a lot of areas in your life. So yeah. And the only way to deal with that is talk therapy, a specific talk therapy called

DBT. What is it? DBT, it stands for dialectical behavior therapy. And it's talk therapy so that when you get triggered, because a lot of these emotions are from a trigger, and then there are these tools that you're supposed to implement to handle the emotional dysregulation that you experience when you get triggered. Like something will happen, I'll get triggered, and I'm so emotionally dysregulated that I lose my identity. My thoughts are so dark. It's good that I have my boyfriend who is so educated on borderline. I'm almost scared to sometimes be alone with my thoughts because I need someone there to tell me that that's just my emotions. It's not facts because I get lost in that. So you have to learn how to self-regulate, self-validate, do all these things. And a lot of this is because I didn't learn it as a kid. Do you dissociate?

Yes. You do? For how long? It could be days sometimes really and it's just curl up in a ball and not communicate i just like i i'm just in this drag yourself out and do sets it's the worst sometimes i do and i'm crying right before i get on stage i'm so in this dark place that i like sometimes stand-up pulls me out I gotta be honest because sometimes I'm in the worst place I'll be crying even like I'll be drying my tears as I walk on stage no you don't even know like I that happened at moon tower I was so sad and I walked on stage

and luckily it was so hot I was also sweating so like you know I could tell where the moisture was coming from and um and then as soon as that first laugh happens, there's a release inside me. It's the validation that I need that, like, I'm not giving myself or that I can't in that moment because I'm so emotionally dysregulated. Give me an example of a time that this happened to you where it was really one of your worst. was really one of your worst? I get triggered a lot with, well, for example, in LA, there's a lacking of stage time. And I think for me, I got the movie and I was three years into comedy when the movie came out. And so my whole thing was I wanted to be a stand up. I want to master this craft. I want to become a beast. I know it takes, you know, 10,000 hours to be good at something. And then, you know, when the movie came out, I don't think I think I just

didn't get as many spots as I thought I would. I thought some of the clubs might open up to me. I still don't have a home club here. And for me, I just, I get really triggered sometimes that I'm not there yet in LA specifically, in the town that I started in and that, yeah, I basically, I came up in. So sometimes, you know, when I don't get booked or I get the emails and for months I won't get booked, it'll just, I'll get really upset about it. And luckily with Matt, he's a paid regular at the store. luckily with Matt, he's a paid regular at the store. He's been in the scene. I have someone like that to tell me like that this is normal. This is something that everyone goes through, you know, and took me 20 years. Yeah. And, and, and everybody's different. Yeah. And Matt, like he, he has these stories because he's been in it for 16 years and he tells me like without that, I would just, I wouldn't know that this is normal. I wouldn't have someone who's mentoring me because in comedy, you need those mentors. You need people to sit you down and be like, you know, and, and, and not critique you, but give good feedback and guide you in the direction. You know, like Felipe Esparza is a mentor of mine.

He started taking me on the road really early. And he's just been the best mentor I've ever had. Him and his wife, Lisa. Like anytime I have any question about comedy or the business, you know, they're there to lend an ear or offer guidance. So for me, on top of like the level of like how I handle rejection and abandonment, because I'm a hustler. When I like got into comedy, I hit the ground running five mics a night in LA, like writing every day, getting up as much as I can. And then once the pandemic hit, a lot of those mics disappeared. And I've kind of watched the scene in LA really dry up for like newer

comics. And I, before the pandemic, like I said, I was three years in and now I'm seven. And I feel like I'm part of this like forgotten class where like, we're still not headliners per se. Well, I'm headlining now, but like, you know but we don't get enough of the reps that we should here specifically. So we have to go on the road. We have to go elsewhere. It's also okay to do that. Yeah. Listen, a building with your name on it, although it's legendary and fun and great and everything,

it doesn't make you who you are or who you aren't either, by the way. It doesn't. You go out on the road, you build your hour, you build your fan base, you go out there, and hopefully you get to do some spots in LA. There's, I mean, three legit clubs, and I'm not including the Laugh Factory. Shade. In LA. No, I know.

And it's only so many stages, and there's a million of us, you know, a hundred percent. And I, I think it takes leaving the scene to realize how much stage time there is out there. And so, you know, I've been,

I've been stuck in LA for a while. Cause up until the strike happened, I've been shooting TV and stuff. So I haven't been able to get out on the road as much because obviously like, I'm not going to just sit around and wait for stage time, but when you're shooting stuff, it's difficult. It's more difficult to go on the road. I don't, you know, I don't yeah. I just, I had to be in town for these last six months plus. And now that that's over and the strikes happening, I'm like, okay, let's get out on the road. And I just got back from Austin

and it's so cool to see that scene kind of start. I love it. And there's like 10 comedy clubs there and you can walk to like all of them. That's right. If I was a comedian, especially if I wanted to build the muscle of standup comedy and I wasn't already where I am

and I didn't have a child that lives here, so I stay here, I definitely would go down there. You can get up and do five spots. I got't have a child that lives here so I stay here I definitely would go down there you can get up and do five I got five spots a night yeah I already saw the comic that I was like you know like for me I need reps like I feel like I've kind of plateaued out here specifically because you know there's only so much stage time to go around so again I need to be out there but also not to interrupt you but when you come here're out there, you're working on an hour. When you come here, you got to work seven to 15 pieces of your hour. So even though you need the

reps, you're getting reps on only the chunks you choose to do that night. You're not getting the reps on that full 45 or hour, you know? So there's that too, you know? There's a lot of people who can crush 15 and don't have anything beyond that. And so that's why for me, I want to, you know, I want to have an hour of really solid jokes. And so I'm at a point where now that I have the time and I'm able to go out on the road, I'm much happier with where I am because for a while I felt really stuck being in LA and not being able to like work on my standup the way I want to. So let's go back a little bit in time for you and tell me about, you mentioned to me outside about your senior year in high school. You went to a different school.

And what was it and why did that happen? So, you know, I was having behavioral issues since I was a kid. And I think it all came to a halt my senior year. I got caught sneaking out of the house. To do what? Make out with boys. And my parents caught me. And at that point, that was kind of like a cry for help.

I was not doing well mentally. Were you using any drugs or anything at the time? Drinking? No. No? No. For me, it was all mental. And I just think that my parents,, my parents, they were, they just worked really,

really hard and they weren't able to, you know, they didn't give me the emotional tools, I think, because they just, one, I don't know if they even have them. Like I watched the way my grandfather kind of treated my mom and my grandma and my aunts. And I think that gets passed down generationally. And so my mom, to be able to do the jobs that she had, which is be a judge, be a criminal defense attorney, you know, you almost have to be stoic. And that got brought home. So, you know, as a kid, like for me, I just never felt good enough. Like if I didn't

get an A, you know, I wouldn't get validated for whatever grade I did get. And so I didn't learn to validate myself. Like even when I played basketball, it was like I wasn't good enough at whatever I did out there. And I know that my parents, that's also a generational thing. Like kids need to be validated from a young age. We don't's also a generational thing. Kids need to be validated from a young age. We don't need to be babied. We need to be validated. I didn't need to be babied, but I did need to feel good about whatever it was that I'm doing. And I think for high-achieving parents, it's kind of hard to give that to a kid because most of them are not high achieving, but they grow into whatever it is. And so I struggled with a lot of that. I just never felt really good or worthy or

I didn't have any self-esteem. So I think that I sought that out in boys. And so when I got caught, my parents were concerned. And my mom found a school in Utah that was a therapeutic boarding school. It's basically a lockdown. There's bars on the windows. For real? Yeah. And they take your shoes when you get there. And once you go, you can't leave until you graduate the program. And they manipulate your parents so that they won't come get you. Yeah, tell me about it. So they'll lie to your parents telling them you're fine so they don't come get you. Well, they're like, this is normal. She's going to want to come home. She's going to say this.

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and dropped me off. They didn't like- Did they drive you? Mm-hmm. God. And a lot of, well, I was one of the lucky ones because a lot of the kids that I went with there, they get what we call escorted, which is when two huge security guards come into your room at night and basically kidnap you and bring you to the school.

What? And then there's- Out of your home. Out of your home in the middle of the night, which is so incredibly traumatizing. Yeah, that's how they're coming to get you. You're sleeping and they grab you and throw you in a car. So I was one of the lucky ones. Like the whole experience is traumatizing, but to go through that just to get to that,

that's something that I think a lot of people who go through that experience is basically illegal kidnapping. It's traumatizing. And then there's the other fucked up way that you get there is when your parents tell you you're going on a ski trip and they make you pack your bags and they drop you off at that facility. Is that what happened to you? No. I knew exactly where I was going. I just didn't know what would happen when I got there. I'm thinking it's like Harry Potter. I'm going to learn magic. Harry Potter, magic.

I'm going to learn spells. I'm going to learn magic. Harry Potter, magic. You know, I'm going to learn spells. Like, you know, I'm going to make out with boys in Utah and these, like, with these horny Mormons who don't get enough attention. No, it was nothing like that. What was it like? A lockdown. It was like basically kid prison. I mean, you. Are you in a room the door locks as well?

You're always watched. You're never alone. You're separated from the boys. You don't have shoes the first, I don't know, couple weeks you get there. You have to earn – your only communication is for the first two months letters to people your parents pre-approved you could write to. And everything you write gets read and everything that gets sent to you gets read. So they know everything that's being said in and out of gets sent to you gets read so they know everything that's being said in and out of that then you have roommates um you lit there's different rooms

at the um school and depending like i lived in a room that had two 12 girls in it bunk beds damn and but there you know some rooms had eight some rooms had a couple there's different rooms that you live in and give me the range of what people are there for you're there for sneaking out and trouble with boys and what are some other drugs addiction um some kids are court ordered they're so violent behavior so you're just throwing in with a hodgepodge of whatever, troubled kids. Mental issues. Yeah, it's called troubled youth schools, basically. Troubled teens, yeah.

Okay. So, and they range. So you can go there as young as, I think the youngest they had there was 13 and then 18 so i went when i was 17 and i turned 18 in utah and when you turn 18 so there's a law when you turn 18 in utah you can't live you can't you can't be housed with underage kids or something so they have to put you in the 18 year old. And you also have to sign your rights away saying that you're not going to leave the school until you graduate the program.

That's what I want to ask because now you're an adult. So basically what they tell you is if you don't, so your birthday is coming up, they know that you have the option to leave legally. And if you do leave, they tell you you're going to be homeless and that they're going to call your parents and tell them not to pick you up the entire town's going to know not to basically help you and yeah they basically say you'll be homeless but then and but so you so basically if you do sign you have to stay until you graduate the program so when did you turn 18 and how many more months before you got out? I got there in November of 2000. I got there in November and I turned 18 January. So I was only

in the underage for November and December up until January 23rd. And then June you graduate like regular school? No, I graduated that December. I graduated a whole semester after my class. So you spent another year there after that. I was there for 13 months total. Man. Tell me what the ride was like with your parents.

Were you fighting it? What was it like when they dropped you off? I was just – I think for me – so my parents, they sent me to private school in Vegas, but it was private religious school. And it wasn't like – they weren't like college prep. These were schools that were often very indoctrinating. And so I went to – pre-K through eighth grade was a Jewish school and then they didn't have a Jewish high school. So my mom sent me to Catholic school my freshman year and I just, I didn't like it there. And my mom sent me there cause it was

close to work. So it was convenient for her, but I didn't really have any friends because a lot of those kids grew up in the Catholic school system and I grew up, you know, going to a Jewish school. So it was like, I was the new chick, you know, and it was hard to make friends. And so, but I had a ton of friends at this Lutheran school that was closer to home. So I went there and that was the school that I left before I got to sent to Utah. So I went from Lutheran to the school that I left before I got to sent to Utah. So I went from Lutheran to Mormon. Oh, it was a Mormon school then. It wasn't a Mormon school. It was just ran by all Mormons. And there were certain elements that I'm

like, oh, they're indoctrinating us. For sure. We dress like we, they made us wear these like super long potato sack khaki skirts and like baggy t-shirts it was like you know just and you know we weren't allowed that you know you don't have sex until you're married and you know just very mormon stuff what was your first night there like were you scared were you angry angry? I saw you visually count the girls in the room, so I know you know what it looks like. Yeah. The first night, well, the first, I don't know, however many months, it was like the first three months I cried myself to sleep pretty much every night. The first night was rough. I was so scared. I remember just crying myself to sleep. I I was in a shock because I, I mean,

I went to summer camp, but this was a whole new world that I had just stepped into. And I don't think I knew what it, I had no idea what to expect. And then as soon as reality hit and I was like, oh, I, this is my reality for who knows how long. And it really made me appreciate, you know, what I had, even though it wasn't perfect. I think, although this place I personally think is really messed up, I think I needed to go through something like that in some way. You do? I don't know. I think I needed to go through something like that in some way. You do. I don't know. I think things like that build character and, you know, you're going to be traumatized by life in so many different ways. And it's like, if this is one of the worst things

that I've gone through, then good riddance, like, you know, but it, it, it made me who I am and I can't take it back. So, yeah. So what point do you shift in there to where you're like, I can handle this? So you really figure it out. You got to fake it to make it kind of thing. Like you really, you fight it first because you're just like, this is so messed up. And, you know, you really are, you're trying to fight it.

You're trying to fight it. You're trying to fight whatever. And you also don't realize like it's kind of not a game, but, you know, who do you trust? There's a level system to this. So it's like, you know, there's girls who are more advanced than you. And there's this kind of thing where if you're doing something wrong, they'll narc on you to make themselves look better. So it's like you also have to learn what all the rules are there's so many rules and if you don't follow them you'll get in trouble like what um if you you can get in trouble for manipulation meaning like if you don't accept no for an answer and you ask again that will be a consequence and

you'll have to like do homework or work out or clean the tampon boxes or something is that what they make you do that kind of shit a lot of cleaning and so um yeah you have to you have to do everything they basically say and you know if you don't there's people there who are going to tell on you. And do you not see your parents that entire time you're there? Are they allowed visitation? You have to earn visitation. That comes after you get more advanced in your program and you earn certain privileges.

And one of those is your parents coming to see you. And how often did they get to come see you? A couple times since I was there for a year, probably a couple times. Yeah. And what was that like? It was hard because it was one of those things where my parents, you could see they were definitely manipulated and there was like nothing I could really say or do. Because if you try to talk about it like that, they can go to your therapist and say,

like, she's not working on her program. She wants to get out. She doesn't, you know, so, um, I was, my dad could just see that I was really bummed. I was just not myself, obviously. And I'm in this situation where I feel so alone. Like I feel in a way that my family's kind of abandoned me and turned on me and left me in this place that I'm not really sure is equipped to even be, you know, dealing with kids and their problems. And so I could see my dad. I remember we were at – they took us out to eat, you know, because the food kind of sucked where we were. So, you know, when my parents came to town, they got to take you out and have real food and stuff. Oh, they were allowed to take you out of the building and have real food? What if they just right there wanted to say, screw it and take you home?

They could. They could. Yeah. And some parents did come get their kids because they figured out this was not okay. There was something going on. Because some kids got hurt there. In what ways? One kid got a broom shoved up his ass what yeah and the mom came and got him so it was some aggressive people in there as well yeah it sounds like a mini prison it i i hate to

compare it to prison because it sounds like it but it is it's not a school. Right. It's a lockdown. You can't leave. There's bars on the windows. It looks like a prison. You're in the middle of nowhere. If you try to get out of there, you're just in the middle of nowhere. As a kid, when you see bars on the windows, that does something to you. It's like you are bad.

You're not allowed out. Especially when you're seeing them from the inside out. You need to be kept away from society. You are bad. You are not like them you know it does something so yeah um my parents took me to out and i just i was looking down just like this my dad was like this is good this is good for you this is good for you you're gonna get through this you know and so but there was nothing i could say, you know, I just had to.

Because no matter what you said, they've already been told. They made their mind. I'm going to complete the program. I have to complete the, I have to complete the program to get out. Like there's nothing I can do. I just have to take it. And did you suffer any fights or abuse or anything in there? I didn't, I didn't get into any fights.

there? I didn't, I didn't get into any fights. Um, they did take me off my medication at one point because a doctor didn't think I was bipolar. And when they took me off the medication, I had a freak out and they put me in this thing called ISU, which is isolated supervision units where they take your bra, they take, um, they take anything that you could hang yourself with, and they basically make you sit on the floor for however many days. Days. They determine that you have to be in there, and it's a closet. It's literally a closet. What did you do?

What was your freak out that made them put you in this? What triggered it is I was in school, which the school structure is such a joke. But there's math day and English day. And I fucking hate math. I still am like, I just don't understand the language. And I would put off math last. So I wanted to work on English and my teacher, the math teacher didn't want me to do that. And so I, he started to take away my book

and that I freaked the fuck out. And I just, I, I, I don't remember like at this point I was on Seroquel. So, or, you know, I'm coming off whatever that is, but I remember just being out of control, like just out of fucking control. And so they put me in that isolation unit. And how long were you in there? I think just a day. And then what? You go back to your regular room?

Then, you know, I think you get in trouble. You get some consequences. You have to talk to your therapist. You know, you have to like, you know, that'll hurt your program. That'll hurt you advancing. And so you have to stay there longer, essentially. So when you finally get out, what's it like when your parents come to get you? Are you relieved?

Are you pissed? Are you just, what are your feelings? So I graduated. And technically, that's where my high school diploma is from, this school. And so – What's it say on your diploma? Again, I don't – Hey, what's the mascot?

I don't even know. Y'all, the correctional facility tigers? The mascot is a picture of Ritalin. It's literally just a pill. And, yeah. Or the Provo Prozacs. Yeah, the Provo Prozacs. That's good.

So yeah, we panic attacks no more. Like we, you know, that so they come to get me. I have a graduation ceremony, if you will call it that. Yeah, what was it? What do they do? Are you capping down? Yeah, it's a capping down, but it's like everyone who graduated in that time frame. So it's like a bunch of other kids and your parents come and some of the other students will like read things about you and then that's it.

And so I was only at home for a month before I went off to college in Vermont, which is basically the opposite of Utah. Yeah. I mean, you went way the other way, Vegas and Utah. You went to Vermont. All right. So what? So basically when I got out, it was, I mean, I had nightmares for years. Sometimes I still have nightmares.

About what? What are you seeing? Basically, I'm being dragged by my feet and I'm'm clawing the ground, and they're pulling me into the school. Into the school? Mm-hmm. Not that room. Into the whole school. Into where I entered when my parents first.

And by the way, the school is an abandoned church. It's really haunting when you look at it. And they closed down the school but opened it up under a different name so it's still there it is so i i have nightmares like that i have nightmares just being there and just like not being able to get out yeah and so i was relieved when I first got out. I was still, I was still like, I was one of those, like, just grateful initially. I was really grateful for just like a private shower, being able to shave my legs. Because if you want to shave, they have to watch you. Oh, really? So you don't kill yourself or cut yourself. Having privacy, that was a big thing. Having just being able to independence, autonomy, being able to go somewhere by myself without having to ask for eating disorders don't throw up or participate in eating disorder behavior. So you all have to wait, too?

We all have to. So just something like that, being able to go to the bathroom when I wanted was like, oh, this is amazing. So it did make you appreciate what you had then yeah it did and the thing is about that place is again like for me it's like i don't i don't i wouldn't take it back i mean i wouldn't wish it upon anyone but i wouldn't take it back but there are people there who it's all about perspective right like there are people there who came from such a fucked up home life that that place was somehow better yeah yeah so it's like really all about perspective even though what was happening there and what that place is may not be right or correct it was still

better from what they came from and that was eye-opening to me is like seeing like oh wow they're like we're kind of this like forgotten children, this generation of like kids who are just fed pills and they thought, oh, that'll fix everything. Right. Because our parents' generation, they just didn't talk about feelings, you know, and they didn't really have the medication. It was like, you'll just get beat. Yeah. Yeah. And like, that's how you learn how to be a person. And I think that's why a lot of like

my parents' generation just emotionally are really fucked up because they weren't allowed to express themselves. Because if guys did that, you're gay. And if women did that, you're crazy. And that's why we are so fucked up as millennials. We don't know how to, for the most part, process our emotions. We didn't learn to validate ourselves because our parents didn't get validated. So and I read something where there's something like considered like there's obviously generational wealth, but there's environment versus what is it, biological or whatever, like your environment versus like what actually happens. Like, is it your environment or was it mentally always were you mentally always going to have that kind of thing? So like what caused it? Was it like?

Yeah. So like what caused it? Was it like, yeah. So anyways, I just think that it's not just the parents' fault, but I think that if people had better tools to handle their emotions, that's a lot of the reason why we have the issues that we have with mental health, I think. We just don't know how to like handle our emotions and process them and emotionally regulate. Have you talked to your parents about that school since? Yeah, we've had conversations. You know, for me, it's like, I don't blame them

because I truly know, like, for me, I'm on the side of parents for the most part are just doing the best they can. I'm not a parent. And that's why I can't, I don't place blame on them because I truly believe they are trying to do the best. Like I can only imagine what it's like to be a parent and their kids having an issue, whether it be medically, mentally. That's one, there's so much self-blame that probably goes on. And also just it's expensive to try and figure out what's wrong with your kid. There's so much emotion that goes into being a parent. And the world really doesn't support it either. So I just think that for me, there's just

a mutual understanding of they understand that maybe that wasn't the right place for me. And I understand that they were trying to just do the best they could. Do you think it helped you? You know, I don't know because if you look at a lot of the kids that went there, most of them are like not doing great. There's only a couple that I would say a lot of them have died. A lot of them are in, yeah, whether it be suicide or overdose. A lot of them had gotten pregnant right after they graduated. Some of them have like multiple children with multiple different,

you know, unstable relationships. And then there's like a few that have really pulled themselves out of like basically being re-traumatized or going through that experience and not really been given any tools to actually succeed in the adult world because they don't really give you those there. succeed in the adult world because they don't really give you those there. And so other than that, like, you know, a lot of people are in and out of jail, never really did anything with themselves. Some got pregnant too early or, and some are, um, passed away. A lot of them. There's only a handful of, um, that have, have done something with themselves. Do you want to be a parent?

I think for me, I'm 36 years old, and I just feel like if I'm supposed to do that, it'll happen. But I also am at a place where I just – I don't know if I would want to raise a child in this world, if that makes sense. It makes sense. But, you know, I mean, if I, if I think if you, if I got blessed with that, that would be great. I just, it's not like my focus, I guess. But you're not, it's not because you're worried that you might have a child who it would be very difficult to raise or – I think it would be difficult to raise any child. It is. I think it doesn't matter if your child is the most brilliant, perfect, whatever. It's so hard to be a parent.

Every kid's got something. I'm not worried about that because I just feel like – i really do feel like i would be a good mom i just think i'm worried about the other things and what it means to be a child and what it means to be a child in the world today and like all like we didn't have the same fears growing up like you know the school shootings scare me i was about to just say they're doing active shooter drills at our kids schools well the first which is traumat't have that. Well, the first school shooting. Which is traumatizing to those kids. The first school shooting I experienced, I was in fifth grade, and that's when Columbine happened. Okay. But even then, we weren't doing school shooting drills because it wasn't like, oh, this is going to happen all the time.

We just thought these were like isolated incidents. But like that stuff, we, you know, I still remember when we did earthquake drills. Yeah. Like those were scary. Like knowing, like trying to understand deathly weather, you know? So also the internet, that stuff worries me. I don't like that kids are raised on the internet. There's just pictures of them out there, you know? So it's a different world. I think you have to have like, I don't know, a lot of, just a lot of love and a lot of money and a lot of therapy.

I don't know about the money part. Yeah. I didn't grow up with money. I had, well, I also had hate. It was a different time then. I also had hate, but there was love. Yeah. It was a different time then, but honestly, as a parent, the biggest thing you can do is be there.

Be there, and whatever they're're into fucking go full force into supporting you don't have to like it you have to have to when i say a lot of money i mean in a place where you're able to give the kid that time you're probably doing well financially hopefully right i mean what do you mean? Like little E getting free? No, I mean, just like, I'm just like, no, no, no. I mean, like, I just, I mean, like, you know, having a job, but also like, it's not, not that you're so overworked that you can't give the kid that time to be there. If you love anything the way you love comedy, you're going to find comedy, time for comedy

in your day if you add a child to that mix you will find time for if you're a good parent you'll find time for that child and but you don't think kids are expensive they are they're crazy expensive that's more of like they're crazy expensive it's like kids are it's it's i think yeah it's not just medical bills and stuff like no backpacks. Yeah. They grow. Yeah. They grow.

I just bought my daughter a size one shoe. She's already a one and a half, like two months later. I'm like, damn, we got to get new shoes already, you know, clothes. That's why I say like you have to have, for me, it's like you have to have enough money to make sure that that kid has at least everything all the other kids have. Not, no, the basic stuff. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I'm not talking about the fancy stuff. Just that they have enough that they're not like,

you know, I don't want a kid to, I don't want to be able to not be afford to give my kid that, you know what I mean? Like, shoes, clothes, like at least what everyone else has at the bare minimum, you know, and like a good life. I don't, I want to be able to give, I would want to be able to give a kid at least a good life where they have all their basic needs met. Yeah. My daughter, my daughter, listen, here's the thing about most kids. It's,

they have what they need. Yeah. It's the wants. Of course. That you have to temper. But what they really need that they don't know they need is that love, that validation, that attention. I try to – I high-five the shit out of my daughter on stuff. I'm like, good job, good job, good job. Because like you said, you just need – I want to be validated. I'm not talking to you like you're a little kid. I'll give her real reasons. I don't ever say because I said so or because I'm the parent. I give her legit reasons. I go, well, this is why. And I break

it down halfway through most of that. She's like, nevermind. I'm like, well, there's the real reason you don't want to hear that. I also think like, you know, there's the, there's the participation trophy parents too, which I don't like either. It's like, there's gotta be a middle ground where, you know, if a kid brings home an A-minus, that's still an A. You know what I mean? Like that's still a great job. You're still in the A bracket. Like don't ask the kid why they didn't get an A.

You know what I mean? Like it's stuff like that where it's like the little things like that kids need to. You remember that, huh? Forever. Did you get Bs? Oh, yeah. Bs, Cs, Ds. Bs. Oh, yeah. So you you it depends on like math was the worst

but english history all that other stuff i always tested high pun intended but um i i was always testing like i was smart but it just didn't reflect in school because of um my learning you know differences now what about your sister Do you have a close relationship with your sister? On and off. Like, we've been close and not close over the years. And a lot of that has been because I lived on the opposite side of the country. And, you know, she went off to be a lawyer. And, like, her job is.

She also is, huh? Yeah, she's. You're the only one not. I know. You're the only non-attorney in the family. Is that right? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

So she went and followed in the footsteps of my parents. Your parents still together? Mm-hmm. Wow. Yeah. That's great. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

So yeah, and she lives in Vegas with them. All right. Why did you decide to go to college in Vermont? Did you just want to get way the hell away from everything? Was it a different start? That school that I went to is called Landmark College, and it's for kids who have learning differences such as ADHD, autism, ADHD, ADD, executive functioning, dyslexia is a big one. So you have to have a learning difference to go there. Not that autism is a learning difference, but a lot of the kids could be on the spectrum per se because a lot of these run together.

You can have multiple diagnoses. So you have to be diagnosed with a learning difference to go there. It's a two-year school in Vermont, and my parents thought it would be good for me because it's isolated in a small town and there's no distractions. Oh, so you didn't pick this. No, not really. Like I think also I didn't have really the grades to go to other schools. It was kind of one of my only options. And the whole thing is you go to the school for two years, you get good grades, and you can go off to other colleges. So after I graduated there, I got into Northeastern and American, and I ended up going to American.

In SDC, right? Yeah, my cousin went there for a little bit. Yeah, I went there for a year. What was it like when you first were able to, honestly, I don't mean to say it like this, but make your own decisions about life? Like you're out of this college now where no one had any say where you go next. Like what was that like for you? I mean, very foreign because after being monitored for 13 months and literally having to ask permission to simply go to the bathroom, like everything you did, you had to get pre-approved. I was still under that feeling of like questioning myself.

And again, I wasn't being validated for anything. I just felt very unsure and a lot of it was, I'm lucky because when I got to Vermont, I had a boyfriend there and his mom worked at the college. Her name is Kim and she became like a second mom to me and she's super crunchy granola, like completely opposite of the people I was in Utah with. And so her and her husband became like this mom and dad that I emotionally

never had. And they were the ones who made me feel normal for the first time in my life that everything I had gone through and how I was feeling and almost made me be like, we don't even, you know, that medication, like almost like there's whatever's going on under that needs to be addressed. But the medication is just numbing you out, you know? And like who you are is okay. Lithiums, that's some heavy stuff. When did you finally stop taking that?

I was 12. I was only on it for like a year or so. So I was 12 when I got put on it. That's right, because of the thyroid. But at that point when I was 12. I was only on it for like a year or so. So I was 12 when I got put on it. That's right, because of the thyroid. But at that point when I was in college, I was still on tranquilizers, still on mood stabilizers, still on all that stuff. Lexapro, all that, Seroquel, everything, Lamictal. McDoll. So basically, for the first time in my life, when I got to college, I was meeting people who validated me. And I started to get good grades because I was in a school that taught me how to learn because I just didn't learn the same way that other – like everyone learns differently

in the school system at least in america has been catered to like one type of learner and i knew i would i was told i was smart my whole life but i didn't never felt smart because my grades never reflected that and it wasn't until college that i actually start to like see myself as an as somewhat intelligent good all right now after i told you at the end of this i would ask you advice that you would give to myself as somewhat intelligent. Good. All right. Now, after I told you at the end of this, I would ask you advice that you would give to your 16-year-old self.

So I'm interested to know now, because that's right at that pivotal moment for you. What would you say to 16-year-old Rachel? Strap in. Strap in. strap in. I guess. The shit's about to get buck wild, isn't it? Yeah.

You know? I don't know. Just, yeah, get good at being okay with being yourself, guess that's great advice yeah um thank you thank you for doing this i know that wasn't i'm proud of you didn't cry thank you i'm not gonna do it you did you did good um promote everything one more time please um at rachel wolfson on twitter sorry wrong at rachel wolfson on instagram. Sorry, wrong. At Rachel Wolfson on Instagram. At Wolfie Comedy on Twitter. And RachelWolfsonComedy.com for my dates. And Wolfie DMs if you guys want to see all the naughty, nasty, funny, humbling DMs that I get.

Yeah, so that's pretty much it. All right. Thank you very much. Thank you for having me. Yeah, so that's pretty much it. All right. Thank you very much. Thank you for having me. Yeah, of course. As always, Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com. Tacoma, I will see you this weekend.

I'll talk to you all next week. I'm out.