The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Retta - Queen of Duke

Episode Date: August 31, 2020

My HoneyDew this week is Retta! The Queen of Duke makes her Dew debut and shares lowlights about her mom being stuck in Liberia during a coup, being the protective friend in college, dating, and a friend’s tragic loss of a child. Retta is one of my favorite people. She can make me laugh no matter what she’s talking about. DUKE DUKE MF’ER! DUKE DUKE! SUBSCRIBE to my YouTube channel & watch full episodes of The HoneyDew there every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler SUBSCRIBE to my Patreon show, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I highlight the lowlights with y’all! What’s your story?? https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew Sponsors: See why Upstart has a 4.9 out of 5 rating on Trustpilot and hurry to https://Upstart.com/honeydew to find out HOW LOW your Upstart rate can be. Checking your rate only takes a few minutes! Go to https://hellotushy.com/HONEYDEW get 10% off your order and FREE shipping Get 20% Off and Free Shipping with code HONEYDEW at Manscaped.com​. That’s 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com, code HONEYDEW​ If you’re ready to take action and prevent hair loss, go to Keeps.com/honeydew to receive your first month of treatment for free. That’s keeps.com/honeydew

This episode of The Honeydew is brought to you by Talkspace and Upstart. More on that later. Let's do the do. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We are over here doing it at the Nightpan Studios. I am Ryan Sickler. Ryan Sickler on all social media. RyanSickler.com Make sure you subscribe to the YouTube channel.

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stories behind the storytellers and i cannot wait to introduce you to today's storyteller because she's i think a four pete on the feast and her first time here on the honeydew ladies and gentlemen please welcome the queen of duke rata y'all yeah i've been waiting for this four pete oh man this is i am very excited for this because i was really you don't do podcasts as you said to me in the text i don't do podcasts but i will do yours i've done them i'm done with them yeah um so before we get into whatever we're going to talk about today will you please promote whatever you like because you say you do have one you just recorded, right? Oh, yeah.

I was a co-host for a podcast. It hasn't come out yet about the women's suffrage movement. It comes out August something. I can't think. I honestly can't even tell you the name of it because I'm so like... But if you Google Women's Suffrage Movement and read it,

you'll find it. That's good. You'll find it. What else? What else is out there? Oh, and then I'm on a show called Good Girls. It is on Netflix. The first two seasons are on

Netflix. And the third season will come out on Netflix just before the fourth season, which we have to shoot, comes out. You got a four-peat on Netflix, too? I mean, come on, man.

Well, it's an NBC show, but it gets put on Netflix after it's aired. So the first run's NBC, and then? And then, so it's on Netflix. The first three seasons are on Netflix everywhere but the United States. The third season will come out just before the fourth season starts on Netflix in the U.S. So you can get caught up and then jump live in the season four. Yes. Great. That's awesome. Good for you. And I am

the new voice on Rocket Mortgage. Are you really? Yeah. I can't wait. I've recorded three ads. Please slip a doop doop. Please slip one in. I've recorded three ads and then i know i have

to do one more thing but only one as far as i know only one has aired um but i was my mother calls me and she's like cheryl from church just called and asked if you were on some commercial, some rocket commercial. And I was like, Oh yeah, yeah. She goes, you are.

I was like, yeah. She's like, Oh. And so, and then like two weeks later I was talking to her and she goes, Oh, do you know,

I have seen that commercial so many times and I just realized it was you. I was like, really mom? You didn't notice me. She's like, I just realized it was you. I was like, really, mom? You didn't notice me? She's like, I think they raised your voice. Your voice is higher in it. I go, no, that's my commercial voice. She's like, oh, I talked to you, but I was like, this is my daughter.

Really? That's what you told dad? Clueless. Both of them. That's great. They're like, as long as you can pay for food, we're good. Well, there's a few things we're going to talk about. But speaking of your mom, you do have a really interesting story about your mom. Do you want to tell us about this?

You mean my first story that I was about to tell? tell us about this um you read my first story that was about to tell my um so when i was my my my parents are from liberia so real quick because this is one of the things that definitely stands out liberia your mom's the pepper soup right yes yeah well i mean there was a song there's a liberian song yeah so my mom they because my that's what my father likes and my brother now likes to but um so my parents are from liberia and um i went there i was there when i was three months old you were born there or they took you there right after you were born? I wasn't born there I was born in Newark New Jersey don't be jealous the Liberia of the United States

pretty much there is a large Liberian community there or at least there was when I lived there but I think I was like three months old my mother took me there um and then i was there again for first grade uh you actually went to school there for first grade yeah i well i my mother went back because i i'm pretty sure it's because my grandmother died. Her mom died. Although she may have died when I was three months and that's why I was there for three months.

I never met her. So my mother went back for something. I think it was my grandmother dying when I was in first grade. Then she went back when i was in fifth grade or just before fifth grade when my grandfather died and while she was there without you this time yes so she both times the first time she went um or rather when i was in first grade, she got stuck there. First of all, there was always turmoil and, you know, unrest as far as I knew, you know, growing up, that's all I ever heard about was always like issues there and worried about getting family either out or getting things to family because the economy was bad, blah, blah, blah. And so when I was in first grade, she went over there. She got stuck.

There was a coup. Both times there was a coup. Both times. So the first time there was a coup, she got stuck and she was depressed. And so they sent my brother so that she had one of her kids. And then they sent me because she was like, she couldn't take it. How long do you know how long she was there before you guys got there? I would say a couple of months.

Damn. Yeah. Yeah. And then so they sent me over and I was going into first grade. So I ended up, I had, my uncle was in the government, sort of. And so while I was there, I went to first grade and I went to the school where the government officials' kids went to school. So it was like this private school. I remember, I've told this story before. I don't know if I've told it on the feast.

I feel like I've, but I've told it before. And so I was tall for my age and you know, in these old buildings, the windows would open out. Do you remember this story? I don't remember the story. So the windows would open out. And you remember this story? I don't remember the story. So the windows would open out. And when we were kids, we would hold on to ropes and then somebody would lead and then everybody would just follow holding on to the rope, you know,

during recess or whatever. And because I was tall, the kids walked under the window and I walked under the window and it scraped the top of my head off. Not the hole, but a big enough thing. My legs just fucking.

But I was. It took a chunk out of your head? Yeah, it cut open. Like it was a flap. Woo. I didn't notice. I didn't. Well, not that I didn't notice.

I did notice. I think the teacher must have seen. By the time we went back inside, I think the teacher must have seen, by the time we went back inside, I think the teacher must have seen some blood. And so it's all fuzzy. I just know the part my mother tells me for sure. And they kind of just like patched it up really bootleg style, whatever. And I went home and I went home. this is in liberia and so i used to sleep in the bed with me my brother slept in the bed with my mother because my mother was staying with her cousin so we were all in one room and my mother says she felt the bed wet no the pillow

wet and she turned on the light and saw the pool of blood like the pillow was full of blood they never told her that I got hurt she didn't know what the she was like what like freaked out and so you know woke me up and she's like what happened to you it's like oh you know I just

I still was like kind of like I hit my head on the window and my mother like went off on this school um did she take you with her no no well we went to the hospital we went to the hospital so i could get it taken care of and then another thing crazy that happened during that time so they had like kerosene stoves there. I just remember such weird things like them in the yard, the way they had it set up. Like it was mostly family that lived in the houses around it. And so we had a communal yard.

And so the women would cook together and do stuff in the yard and all this, you know, wash the clothes and hang them on lines all back there. It's very, that is very vivid. They used to catch the chickens and cut the heads off and puck them back there um back there back in the yard and um but we had kerosene stoves and my um someone had left the kerosene um canister on the counter and one day my brother comes into the living room he was little he comes into the living room and uh i think he might have been one year old maybe maybe two no not i don't think he was older because she had when she had him she left so he i think he turned one while we were there and he was like she said he was gray and he and he just he had pulled the kerosene canister down and drank the kerosene no so she

had the russians right kid we like we all so many things happened to us when we were in liberia without my dad there um another thing my um my cousin who lived it was a duplex so they lived next door we'd go play next door. Because he was the smallest, he would be the baby when we played house. And she was going to give him a bath and dropped him in a zinc tub and busted open his lip. So another reason to go to the hospital. It was like so problematic. Anyway, that was the first time that my mother had to go over there

when we were little the second time can i ask you those memories you actually have or a little bit of hybrid you were reminded or whatever the tub i remember the the and the the kerosene situation i just remember everybody going crazy you know and screaming and then picking him up and running out. I mean, that could be death. Yeah. Well, yeah. Like I said, the... What do you remember?

Because you're first grade. Do you have any memories over there? Like, what stands out to you? I remember the guy that used to push the cart that used to bring, you know how you have the ice cream truck? He had Coca-Colas and sugar cane. So he had the

sugar cane in the ice so you would get it and you just suck on cold sugar cane. That was a treat. I sort of remember the market. Are there playgrounds or anything like that? Like we have over here?

We didn't know. We didn't have, I mean, not where we were particularly, because we were out, not deep country, but we were in the country, in the city, we were outside of Monrovia. So we weren't in the city city where it was like super busy. I don't remember our street being busy a lot of traffic i don't remember that but i also don't remember we must have had a car i don't have a memory of a car yeah i feel like i remember some people having bikes but i don't remember but i can't imagine that my aunt didn't have a car. I know my grandfather, but my grandfather didn't live near us

where we were staying. So I have like little... Any sports? Are kids playing sports? Well, soccer. They played soccer all the time. You know, barefoot, kick a ball. Yeah, I don't have a whole lot of the memories.

Just little things. It was so long ago and I don't have anybody that I share the memories just little things and it was so long ago and and i don't have anybody that i share the memories with right you know like the little cousins that i lived with you know it's not like we've had conversations about it over and over it's just my mother perhaps telling somebody else what happened when we were little and stuff like that and i'm like oh yeah but yeah the the cutting of my head I I think I have a memory of it because of my mother talking about you know I don't remember the pillow being bloody

right but I have a memory of my mother looking at me like you know yeah shit herself um but um i can't and i can't even remember if we all went back the same time i think they might have sent me back at what point are you allowed to go back i think they sent me back before and then my mother um came back with my brother a little bit later. I don't think I was there more than a year because I feel like I know I just only went to first grade. Right. So and I'm honestly I don't even think I don't even know if I finished first grade. I may have finished first grade here in the States. But then she went back again later.

So then my grandfather died. And so she went back for that funeral. And you're in fifth grade at that time? Mm-hmm. Well, I think it was just before I was in fifth grade. Because I started fifth grade without my mom. So there was another coup while my mother was there. It was like every time she's got to go.

So much unrest. And so she got stuck. And she got stuck for longer so i feel like she went she might have gone for fourth grade or i mean you know for the end of fourth grade the very end of fourth grade all through the summer and me going into fifth grade and being in fifth you know i that's the memory i have of being in fifth grade and um coming home one day so what what happens like the government finally says all right this you can travel now or it's safe to leave or are you rolling the dice so here's part of the thing so um when

from what i know of it my mother didn't become a U.S. citizen until I was, I graduated from college. Wow. Okay. So my mother had a Liberian passport. My mother was a student. She came to the States for school. So she always had a green card. And so that's why, you know, my father became a citizen, I think, the first time, you know, that they had moved here. My mother was on a green card.

So she didn't. Is that why he stayed back and kept you guys? No, he stayed back because he's working and needed to earn money and, you know, keep our apartment and that kind of thing. earn money and, you know, keep our apartment and that kind of thing. You know, we were, it was, you know, struggle in the beginning when they were young, when they first came to the States. But so, because my mother had a Liberian passport, I don't know if it was particularly the first time. I don't know if it was because of the U.S. or Liberia. But when something goes nuts in a country and they take over the government,

there's no government. So the system, other countries can't trust that they're running a real government you know what I mean so you know you have these whether it be listen any Liberians who are watching me I don't really know the facts

I'm just going by what I know so don't please do not call your email in about how Renna don't know what the fuck she's talking about because they all the honeydew line we don't want to hear don't know the details but do not blow up the honeydew hotline it makes sense to me if a country is going through some kind of takeover they don't have the recognized government that the other countries recognized before like listen there's a bunch of bullshit going on over there so good luck to them we're not gonna let any of the crazies come up you know they block that you

know you don't get the visas yeah that's that's what's going on right now they're like there's they got covet in america and it's bananas y'all got to stay the fuck out yeah that's right so when there's a coup someone takes over the government you know they kill the president and now they're running things but they've never run the country before they don't know what's going on you can't trust some and a lot of it uh sometimes it's the new government who who has taken over the country who don't want the old government escaping and so people are not enough just to take it over sometimes yeah they're like you fucked up this for whatever reason whatever the reason they're doing it they you know and kuzan in africa are no joke you know i bet yeahuz in Africa are no joke.

You know what I mean? I bet. Yeah. Yeah. It's bloody. It's not cute. So. Did your mom, did your mom ever share anything about like things she saw or had to deal with?

No, she hasn't. But she's, she knows, you know, she knows people that have and stuff like that. It's, it's not, you know, it's not an easy time, obviously. But whatever the case, so then you, so you can't travel. Sometimes you either can't come in or you can't come out. So because she had a Liberian passport, she couldn't come into the United States. So it had to get to a place where they were finally letting in. And I don't know if they had to, you know, my father had to do work on his end in the States saying,

the mother of my children who are United States, who were born here, who are, you know, and I'm a naturalized citizen, we need her back, that kind of thing. So both times, like I said, she was over there, she has Liberian passports, there are coups. But for the second time when it happened, my father was not sending us. And I was a little bit older.

So I just remember coming home in fifth grade one day, coming home from school. And I remember seeing a board game but it was like fancy it was like made with like this wood and had a wood stand and it had little wood chairs you sit underneath you know you sit low and you play the game and i remember the game from liberia it's called ludo and uh i remember it walking in and seeing it and i was like where'd that come from and then my mom walked out from the back room and i was like and i hadn't yeah i hadn't seen um i mean what months and months months and then so my mother didn't drive at the time so like whenever we went grocery shopping to do the laundry we had to go to a you know a laundromat or whatever we'd walk go to the doctor's office doctor's appointment we walked

and I remember walking to a doctor and it was not close we lived in an apartment building and we walked out of the complex down the main road. And I was like, where is this doctor? We walked to the doctor's appointment and I remember walking back and my mother says to me, well, the rabbit died. And I was like, that's something they would say

when someone was pregnant. So my mother, as soon as she got back, she got pregnant with my youngest brother. I see. Yeah. Because my mother as soon as she got back, she got pregnant with my youngest brother. I see. Because my parents had had sex. It was on and popping.

I got another koo kid on the way. You sure do. Another koo kid. That's what we're going to start calling Mitch. Sup, kookid? Oh. That is scary, though.

It's weird, right? That's fucking weird. I mean, I don't know anybody that has any stories like that in their life. Yeah. I mean, we sit here and think we're all locked down. Imagine that shit. Yeah. Woo.

Yeah. Every day, fearing for your life. Probably can't go anywhere. One of the big things that my mother was saying that was when stuff like that goes down, literally it all falls apart. They were like, money didn't mean anything because there was no true government. No one,

they didn't believe in our currency, their currency. She said they used to barter with bullion coops at the market. That was considered cash. Yep. No shit. Yep. Yeah. It's crazy. Damn. I mean, American dollars meant something right the liberian money

didn't nothing until things got back together yeah yeah man that's crazy and has your mom ever had to go back since or have you ever gone since no fifth grade was that was your last well actually i wasn't there i mean first grade was the last time really you're right yeah um my father has gone back a couple of times um but uh my mother my father wants to retire there but now that they have grandparents my mother's like i ain't going nowhere it's like unless we all go and we ain't going we're not all going so yeah but my father goes back and he sees family and stuff like that that's great would you ever go back um i might i actually there's um there's a possibility of me going back with covet things have gotten so thrown but I was supposed to go back to do this TV

show thing well not supposed to it was likely that I would go back for this TV thing but now it's kind of all in limbo because of the world's in limbo and nobody wants us there

yeah and from California? Nah. We'll wait. For sure she has it. I don't even need to test her. For sure. For sure.

Oh, shit. Alright, I want to talk to you. I had asked you earlier. The scarf is so loose. It looks good on you, girl. I asked to talk to you. I had asked you earlier. The scarf is so loose. It looks good on you. I asked you about being bullied. You said, no, I wasn't bullied. You brought up college.

But let's go back to where you went to college. I still think you're the only Duke grad that's ever been on any of my podcasts. And I love that you're a Duke grad. But, yeah, what was college like for you? College was fun. I loved college. It was, you know, I met some of my closest friends

that I'm still friends with now. Did you drink at all in college or anything? Nothing. No. The first time I took a drink, I like sipped a drink. It was my freshman year. I remember I was in a friend's dorm. Oh, college.

Yeah, in college. And I was like, oh, that's not true. The first time I took a drink was I was senior in high school and I sipped a cooler. Yeah. And I was like, I'm not into it. Fuck Bartles and Jane. But then I think I think they had coolers

but there was something else. I drank like some vodka and some juice but I didn't like it and I was just hot the whole time. Swore I was drunk. Everybody was like, you're just sweating. You're not. You know what I mean? Sweating.

You're not drunk. The first time I can say that I drank, drank was my 21st birthday or right after my 21st birthday. But I didn't drink in college. I drank after college. Like right after is when I was making up for lost time. Yeah, I was like drinking, you know, St. Ives and Boone's Farm

and what was the what do they call it? Liquid crack? Oh, come on. Cisco. Cisco. All that trash. Trash. If there's one thing it will guarantee you is

fuck you up i i used to paralyze me so it did so you can't say that so nonchalant it used to well listen so we would play these like you know you try to get that buzz real quick before you go out so you don't have to pay for too many drinks while you're out. That program is real. And I remember sitting at my friend's dining room table. I don't know if we were playing quarters or whatever. Just something stupid. Just drinking.

And I just remember I couldn't lift my arms. And I was like, you guys, I can't. I can't lift my arms. And everybody was like, really? I was like, I can't lift my arms. And everybody was like, really? I was like, I literally cannot lift my arms. I was like, and then it would go away.

It happened every time. But I also, yes. So I had to slow down on the Cisco. I would drink other trash, but Cisco used to freak me out. Well, that one is poison. Proud sponsor of the 100. Cisco. I would drink other trash, but Cisco used to freak me out. Well, that one is poison. Yeah. And it literally would give me paralysis

in my arms. And I'd be like, I was like, I can't fucking move my arms. But I noticed, I used to get that weird paralysis thing when I drank the Wallaby Darned at the Outback,

which had the champagne, it had champagne, peach schnapps, and another liquor, frozen, whatever. And I would get like a weird sensation, like I don't want to lift my arms, and then it would go away. So I don't know if there was some kind of combination in Cisco that was similar to that that that was way stronger clearly because i literally was like

i gotta drop out of college i can't move my arms you know that's a wrap but um yeah it happened a couple of times like that but then i well i wasn't scared of it the second time because I knew it would go away. I just went, Cisco. Somebody bounce my quarter. Exactly. I'm like, I got you, Riri. She's good.

You can't even point to him. Oh, my God. She's good. You can't even point to him. Let's take a quick break and tell you about our first sponsor, Talkspace. Now, we all have something we're working on, perhaps a career change, finding a partner, or procrastinating less. The hard part isn't identifying these goals.

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too you just didn't drink yeah i just didn't really so you were social drink yes yeah i was social i can't remember does duke even have uh fraterities, sororities? Yeah, they do. Yes. We have fraternities and sororities. I used to go to the frat parties or whatever. Were you in a sorority? No. And we used to go to Chapel Hill all the time. Yeah.

So, right. You got. What's the proximity? You've got NC State, right? You got North Carolina, Chapel Hill there. You got Duke. Is something else there's i mean well those were the the big ones you know wake forest is not that far um in greensboro there's a lot of colleges you know nccu but how quickly are you going duke to chapel uh 30 minutes that's it it. Oh, holy shit.

That's nothing. That's like going to West Hollywood from here. Yeah, they're really close. So we used to go to parties over there all the time. They used to come to parties to us all the time. But the whole bullying thing, you know, being a fat girl in college. And mind you, I'm bigger than I was when I was in college. I, you know, I just got bigger when I, uh, went to college. Um, and Hank, you know,

you go out and you're with all your girlfriends and you're with the cute girls. And so I would have, um, you know, guys would try to get to you through your friends, you know, by try to get to you through your friends you know by try to buy you a drink you know trying so what you know lean past you and you're like do you need me to move you know like how much are you like having a conversation around my face yeah exactly um but i remember having this incident at oh, what was the name of the place? It was on Franklin Street, upstairs. I keep wanting to say Charlie Good Nights, which is the club that I used to do in Raleigh, North Carolina. But it's, oh, I can't even think of it.

Anyway, so this guy tried to talk to my friend, Lika. Lika is New Jersey. She's mixed. She's Asian and white, but she's so ghetto. Right. And she used to mess with black guys all the time. ghetto right and she used to mess with black guys all the time and so this black guy was trying to talk to her she wasn't interested and she was like get the fuck up out of my face she's like i'm good bruh kind of thing and i was like i i'm always like nervous because anywhere lika goes, there's going to be a fight. She, this small scrappy, as always by 18. So, this guy's trying to talk to her.

She's not interested. He doesn't appreciate it. He's getting in her face. And she's like, and as soon as she starts she starts motherfucker then she starts reading everything about him you know little dick motherfucker your fake cross colors your this

your that that gold that chain ain't gold all the things and he is not feeling it. And he goes for her throat. Not with me around. I remember I was wearing a baseball cap. I was wearing a baseball cap. And you're right there. I'm not really paying attention until she starts getting loud with him. And I turn and I see him go. him and i turn and i see him go at my friends so when i get mad something like and i have no fear and normal i'm a scaredy cat what's that all about

my no fear thing i have a thing of of like fairness and equality and i'm and i'm and as soon as i see something that's not fair or not right, especially like it's getting violent and, you know, it's and it it's disrespectful. It's like the whole thing. I get so angry. And so I don't have that. But where do you think that comes from? I don't know, because I have the same thing where also it's I get stubborn to like there was a gas station in my neighborhood for i i didn't i didn't know how long i didn't i'll tell you what i didn't plan on living in a neighborhood for 10 years but i did and one time i went to get a bottle of water and the goddamn machine wasn't working i was dying of thirst and i just went to the window and i go yo machine took the dollar just it's in just can i please get a bottle of water he's like it ain't my machine and i was

like and right away i was like i go look i get that you're you're you're no subcontracted your real estate over here come on the dollar's in there like it costs a dollar for a bottle of water in your place can you just take the dollar you're so i don't have the keys and i'm like this motherfucker and and now there's people behind me and I just I just lost my shit I'm like you know what fuck you motherfucker I'm never coming to get gas let me tell you something I would if I was on fumes I would have pushed my car by

that gas station I have two times in 10 years I had to go and I felt guilty about those two but that gas station lost a lot of money on my ass principle is what I was looking for I'm very all about principal. I'm with you. 100%. To a fault sometimes.

So I like, you know, you get that, your heart starts racing, the blood rushes in, and my friends say that I said, not today, motherfucker, and I turned the hat backwards. I turned the hat backwards. I turned the hat backwards.

And I fucking went at him. And he was a little bit shocked. He was a little bit shocked. And I was like, who the fuck? You want to fucking fight a girl? Like, I get, I curse. I already curse as it is. But I, it just spills out and i go so then security that like the whole place is like what the fuck now there no fight really happened i just jumped at him and

i'm like fuck you the fuck you think you're a fucking fighter girl she's fucking five two fuck you be going on and on and on we're hitting some of her highlights. Here's what I remember. Because he had said to me earlier something about, do you know Michael Bivens? From Bell Biv DeVoe? Yeah. And I said. I know Ralph Trezvan.

And I said. Imagine if you really knew him enough. And I remember saying well we're not pen pals I know who he is did he go to school there no but he was trying to say that was one of his things about being cool was he's friends with Michael

meaning do you know who that guy is that's my buddy yeah but he wasn't there he was just saying that's like you know my girlfriend lives in Canada and I was like this is how you try to pull girls do you know michael bivins so when i jumped on it was one of those things i was like you pretend you don't even know michael like who cares no i don't even care but i was like going crazy and i just might get her off me man i

know michael bivins i remember security pulling us apart. What a dumb thing to say. And then throwing him out and him being like yelling like, she's the one who tried to jump me. I was like, yeah, bitch, but I come here all the time. They like me. Bye. Bell Biv DeVoe. Yeah. Now you know.

Yo, slick. Yeah. So. Now you know. Yo, slick. Blow. It's time to leave. Bye. Get your ass to another bar, motherfucker. Go take your Ronnie Bibb and shit somewhere else. I can't believe I knew it. I pulled that out too

see that we got a little bit out of it i'm cultured man so did you date at all during in college no i hooked up every once in a while but i never dated anyone so how would you meet guys what was your way of me because back then no offense i say back then because i'm in that class too but it wasn't a let's just get online and see who's out tonight you know and who's in my proximity like it was just basically parties yeah going to party no no parties it was more of a party thing and you know It was more of a party thing and, you know, you just meet somebody and you mack out or whatever. I also didn't hook up with a lot of people in college. I don't know.

I was a little bit of an introvert. I was a, you know, I was a goody two shoes. So I wasn't just going to have sex with, you know, a bunch of randoms i just remember whenever a friend told me like if they they met somebody when we were out and they met somebody and they kind of hooked up and then we talked the next day and i'm like you had sex with him you don't even know that was my big my friends used to make fun of me he's like you don't even know him i I remember you saying that. I'd always be like... You and I used to go drink at Red Rock back when that was a place. And you used to tell me that shit. It made me laugh.

You were like, he put his mouth where? You had a straw. You don't even know him! You don't even know him! And you just kept asking questions. You don't know where his mouth is, babe. I used to be mortified. I'd be like, I mean, okay.

Until I was older and I became a little ho. Oh, I get it. I get it. I get it. It's fun. It's fun. The random hookup. You said two things. You mentioned introvert and goody two-shoes why um why were you goody two-shoes were you raised like what was it more about not

letting mom and dad down or not about letting them find out let it like well you both but but I mean it was always about like not embarrassing my parents but you're also at Duke nobody gives a fuck if you don't finish community college Duke's a big deal especially coming from where your parents came from yeah

but honestly I don't think Duke was that big a deal to my parents they were just like college so you know it was a bigger deal to me than it was to them my parents would just like go to college um we need to be able to afford it so if you don't get you know financial aid kind of thing um but it was yeah it was the way i was raised I think always in the back of my mind, you know, what would Debbie think if she found out about it? It's one of the reasons why I didn't curse for so long. When I got older and I was like, I'm not a person. Then I cursed so much.

You're good at it. But otherwise, I remember the first time I heard my mother say ass i was in college and she was mad about my dad about something and she's like i was being such an ass i swear me and my brother were like you had never heard that and then i remember telling my mom a joke some stupid joke about monkeys in a cage throwing poop. And I said, shit. And she was like,

Oh, I'm done with this joke. Who are you talking to? It was like, we ain't, we are not equal. We do not. I was like,

Lord. And I was in college. Yeah. I was in college then. I was like, all right, we got it. Cool.

Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. But, but has she ever seen you do stand up or your work now? Well all right, Deb, we got it. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. But has she ever seen you do stand-up or your work now?

Well, yeah, she's seen my work now. She did see me do stand-up because my mother was then forever about school. Africans live for school. So my mother was at the insurance college in New York, and I had had a gig there so she came to that show but my mother saw me do stand-up in North Carolina where I started at Charlie Good Nights um so I told my mother this is a good story I think I may have told you this too when I first started doing stand-up my parents were in Jersey I'm in North Carolina and I'm about to do my first show.

And I've written this bit. It's my KFC bit. And worked really hard on it. And I tell my mother the bit on the phone. Silence. And she's like, I mean. High pitch. She was like, I guess it could be funny

you know and this is like I always thought I was about to kill this shit you know so it was the time I was doing open mics it was time I was doing open mics so I was getting ready to do it at an open mic I went and did a

kill like ripped the bits still work that's how strong it is 2020 it still works so like that death I go home I call my mother the next day I tell her about it

I was like I did so well people really thought it was funny and my mother was like well there's no accounting for taste and I was like they're wrong she said she really was like i don't know what's going she came she and my dad came to north carolina to visit me i'm you know i made sure i had a set so i i had a set i was the i was the mc so I opened the show. I did well. Whatever. Worst thing in the world. My parents were sitting in the front.

You don't answer questions. You don't answer comics questions at the club. So he's asking about their sex life. And I'm like, I don't know if I can handle that. My mother is super religious's not my mother's super religious my father doesn't talk so it was just anyway glad that was over and we got out of there

and i was like mom just future reference you never talk during a unless you want to be in the show don't sit up don't say anything don't sit in the front she had to sit in the front see me yeah anyway i said what did you think of my set she goes funny i guess she has to be there to enjoy it i was like yeah i guess so but i was like yeah it's a good bit always works i'll dust it off right now um can we talk about the I'll dust it off right now. I'll fucking do it. God damn it. Can we talk about the loss of your friend? I asked you about something and you said, yeah, it was a really tragic thing. And I just, I wanted to know if we could talk about that.

Yes. So I had, you know, I have a really good friend whose baby passed away. He was two. And you were asking, like, any traumas. Back when you said you didn't have any. I was like, I don't really have any traumas. And I was like, oh, yeah. Because it wasn't my child, I don't think of it as my trauma, you know, even though it was, was like the worst experience.

It was certainly one of my worst experiences and it wasn't my child. But that was a tough, scary time because you're worried about your friend getting through it. What happened? Oh, God. Now I'm scared.'m gonna cry um so her son had been sick i remember um so i was at red rock and she used to dj and so she was dj she wasn't there that night her husband was there filling in and i was like like, where is she? He's like, oh, the baby's sick. So she stayed home. The next day I wake up to a call from one of our good friends. And she says, she's, she's kind of crying. And she's like, the baby died. And I was like, what? And I, like, I was like, let me, I'm trying to wake up. And I'm like, what are you talking about? She goes,

last night they were in the hospital and he died last night. And I was like, what are you talking about? What are you talking about? And like, I had to get off the phone. I literally remember just sitting for a while and just being like this can't be true this can't be true you know like having a little bit of like palpitations trying to be calm and then calling her phone she didn't answer calling his phone he didn't answer um i called my friend back and she's like yeah i said well okay where are they now where are they now she goes jacqueline just talked to them jacqueline talked to them last they were still in the hospital when she talked to him so i called jacqueline and she's like yeah it's fucked up she's and jacqueline

lives out far um so i'm like freaking out freaking out freaking out and i'm like praying as if she didn't already tell me what happened you know I'm praying like it can't be true. It can't be true. Like fucking freaking out. I remember I got off the bed and sat on the floor. I was like, can't be true. It can't be true. What is going on?

What is going on? And then I called her number again. She didn't answer. And I called. So it was like texting back and forth, everybody trying to figure out where they are, a whole thing. So I would say about an hour and an hour and a half from when I first got the call to when I tried to call them again.

I call her, no answer. I call him, he answers. And I'm like, what happened? And he's very calm. You can tell he's like fucked what what happened he's she and he's very calm you can tell he's like fucked up but he's calm and he's like he's like yeah uh we just got home she's in the bed she's in the bedroom and she and she's kind of wailing in the back um and she's just like who is it who is it and she's like and he tells her it's me and she's like and, who is it? Who is it? And she's like, and he tells her it's me. And she's like, and I said, I said, should I come over? And he says, should I come over?

And she yells, yes. So I was the first person to go over there. And it was just this most surreal, like when I think about it, it almost has this like ethereal feeling because i just remember it like we weren't really there like it not that it didn't happen but it was i get this like weird feeling because like we just floated through that whole thing because like you were almost watching it so we were there right literally is that what you mean like you're almost you you're outside of it not so much that i was outside of it but i that i i almost didn't let myself i won't let myself hold on to it i see we were we were we i would say i was at their house probably for three days there were people in and out of the house constantly people coming flying in the traumatic part about it like it was it was it was fucking

traumatic the hard part to watch was every time someone new came in it was their time to go through it so she had to go through it every time someone came in to the room. So it started to get really, really fucking heavy. And so then we're just in the house. So it was probably like seven or eight girls in the bedroom.

Just in the bedroom. We'd go out every once in a while to get something. All the guys were outside in the living room and in the kitchen and stuff like that. But the girls were in the bedroom most of the time. We're on the floor, we're on the bed, we're sitting in the chair. And there was this one girl who she flew in. I think she got there on the third day. And, you know, she was good friends with her.

She had been in her wedding. I don't know if they'd both been in each other's wedding, but she had kids. And, you know, so she had to find, I think her husband was taking care of the kids. So she flew in. So she's new. We've been grieving for three days. Like, it has been fucking heavy. And we had finally gotten to a point where we were laughing about stuff.

So telling stupid stories and like on the floor, crying, but dying laughing. And I remember her coming into the room and being irate that we are cracking up. That was her first impression of... Well, she had been there. She probably had been there for like two or three hours, but she hadn't been in the room. Yes. But she hadn't been in the room.

But she hadn't been in the room, really. I mean, like cackling. Like it was weird. But it had been so fucking heavy for so long. Like the fact that we were even finding stuff to laugh with. And my friend was in the bed she and she was laughing she was crying but she was laughing too so she comes in and it's like what is going i don't even understand what is going on in here

like she came in like somebody's parent like it was a slumber party and we were told to go to bed an hour ago. And I snapped. Turned the hat around. I might have taken the hat off. So everybody got really weird. Everybody was like, what the fuck and she's like yeah how do you handle this and i was like how do you i turned to her and i was like if you don't get the

fuck out of here i said we have been in this fucking room sitting in this shit for three days you just walked in this bitch and you want to tell somebody you want to tell people how to fucking grieve and grieve yeah we're in here with the mother who fucking needs this reprieve and you're gonna how if i said bitch i will fucking choke you out in front of this all these girls in this room if you don't get the fuck out of here right the fuck now. And she was like salty, you know, like. And I said, get the fuck out. Wow.

And she walks out. You know, so I'm like. And I turn around and they all fall out laughing. They're like, that is the best thing I've ever seen. I was like, the fuck? I mean, and then, of course, I laughed about it. I was like, how dare you? And then my friend was like, I love you so much. I love you so much.

I love you so much. Oh, my God. We were. What happened what happened that lady stay like did you have to go see her after that she didn't sleep in the room what i remember you probably scared the shit out of that like i mean but yeah i was like y'all need anything what are you doing oh god yeah that was it was um i've never like had to function in that kind of grief before it was really hard and i was working so i had to go shoot like i was on parks at the time and i just remember being in hair and makeup and they were like okay well we won't put on eyeliner like i was just crying constantly and then just like the last minute they're like eyeliner and then i have to go on set like actually treat yourself

can i tell you i wish you would have been able to fucking copyright that shit i hear it everywhere and you know when i hear someone say it so i'm like you know what that's from they're like what i'm like that's from retta on parker i don't know i don't give a z's he does deserve so too but it's always you what i say and i'm like that's from right on Parks and Rec. That is stolen fucking written from somebody. That is their shit. Nobody even knows where it fucking comes from. Yeah, my friend, she

said she was at the grocery store. This is years ago. And she had just gotten this manicure that had this glittery polish on and and she put something out, and the cashier said, ooh, I like your polish. She was like, oh, yeah, I got a day at the salon, and the bagger was like, treat yourself. And she was like, that's my friend.

He was like, who's your friend? She was like, my friend, treat yourself. He was like, huh? No idea. I didn't know that it came from a show, where it came from. It was just this thing that was in the zeitgeist at that point. And she was like, never mind. Yeah, but treat yourself. Yes, that's what I did.

Not to go back to your story. Great. A friend of mine, a very good friend of mine, a lady I consider my mom growing up. Her daughter passed away. She was a sister to all of mine the lady i consider my mom growing up her daughter passed away she was a sister to all of us like 16 in a car actually it was i shouldn't just say her daughter passed away it was two friends of ours in a car accident um they that the guy across the center line hit them he was ejected died immediately she was uh and no airbags back then you know they they hit heads and then bang so she was you know it really fucked her head up and she was on life support for a little while and then she passed away and and for me that was just a run of it went from my dad at 16 and then to my grandmother in april a few years later she was i

believe august and then my other grandmother in like october all that same year and i was like what the fuck like and i remember his mom because it was like you said the house so many people coming in and out everyone meaning well and his mom my friend shannon because he's the guy i'm still close with her it's her brother gotcha so kelly and so shannon my friend uh his mom her brother um we're still super tight and i just remember everyone being there kids are you know it's high school that's different when it's in high school so now the kids are sleeping over and you know on the ten of them on the floor you know and yeah and um she asked me and i don't know she and i have talked about it and i said why did you ask me for that and she's

like will you just take me out for a drive and i was like yeah and i took her out and I don't know, we were just driving and she's just crying and she, yeah. And she's just crying. And I'm, you know, I don't know what the fuck can say. I'm not even a parent, let alone lost a child. I have no idea what to say. And, um, I end up driving and I don't know why I did this, but to our, just because it was in the air, like to our high school. And I just thought, well, I'll just park here on the parking lots, lights and some other cars up there. And she puts on Garth Brooks, the dance. I had never heard that song before in my life. And this woman, I mean, screamed just a primal guttural. And I was like, oh, you didn't want anyone to see you do this.

I get it. And I just sat there and I was like oh you didn't want anyone to see you do this I get it and I just sat there and I was just like whoa I will never forget that like hearing that just like wailing and we're in a Honda Civic you know what I'm saying and it was tight quarters

it was some close ass quarters for that trauma on that 1990 Honda Civic with the original rim. You say original rims. Always original rims. Like that's a lie. Like it was limited edition. Hey listen, I stayed true.

You know what I'm saying? Everybody tried to get your fucking hubcaps and your spinners and all. I stayed true to my OG rimim they spinning nigga they spinning they spinning nigga they spinning there are people out there still have that shit on their car because they spent the money they're coming back they're coming back no they ain't coming they are not coming i see old cabs every now and then i'm like look at this cab trying to get that's hilarious oh man but you didn't you say you had two friends who every now and then. I'm like, look at this cab trying to get to me. That's hilarious. Oh, man.

But didn't you say you had two friends who lost? Yeah, and then I had another friend. They, you know, they had twins. And one of the girls, she had issues from the beginning. So she was, you know, in the hospital for a long time from birth. And then finally, she was able to get out and she still had some more surgeries to go and i think it was like after her second birthday things went downhill and they were back in the hospital and she passed away and i was like how i used and I used to when I was touring on the road, I remember I would I would see these families in the airport with their kids.

And I remember, you know, it was right then I felt that ticking clock for having kids or whatever. clock for having kids or whatever. And after that, after both those losses, I was like, I wouldn't be able to survive it. It's probably for the best that I don't have kids. You know what I mean?

I got over that ticking clock because I was like, I don't know how people survive it. It changes you. Being a good parent, good one, not one that's just like, peace, brought you here, good luck. Being a good parent changes everything about you. It exposes all of your insecurities.

You find out shit you never knew about yourself. It's humbling. It's difficult. I mean, just my daughter's five she don't leave the fucking house you know i can't imagine what that's gonna feel like every fucking night hoping they come home safe every fucking time they leave when you're in high school and you're like why are you so yeah and then i i'm an aunt and i'm like right that's how it started for me yeah being an uncle and then you're like sick tonight my nephew uh we found out my nephew had cancer two years ago

oh my god and it was leukemia and he's doing well good you know hopefully by october next October next year he should be done with his chemo and stuff. But just the random crying, like you feel sick. I'm an auntie. I'm like, I can't even imagine being the parent. And then having had two friends, one very close friend, lose a child to see it, to be there for it, experience it. The fear that I have with my nephew, like, and you don't want your mind to go there at all. But you can't help it.

Every time I get off the phone with my nephews I'm like I love them so much it's so bad oh my god when my first nephew went to kindergarten last year they have a video of him getting on the bus I bawled

he's so small the other girl is so tall. Oh, God. It is. I don't know how parents do it. Therapy. My daughter almost got hit by a car. It unhinged me.

It unhinged me. And I went to EMDR therapy. And she's like, look, you're future tripping. You're programmed to feel a certain way about things because death and destruction you know is what you know and that didn't happen but I couldn't stop seeing that

horrible scene play out and it didn't even happen and you know there was clearly some anxiety and shit that had just been chilling down there like wake up wake up it's been good down there. Like, oh, wake up. Wake up. It's not working.

It's been good down here the whole time. We're coming. And it did with a full. I started getting scared of flying. I had never been scared. Never. I love that fucking takeoff. And then I was like, what was that?

You know, every bump I hear. You all hear that? Any of those scare me? My thing was when Aaliyah died yeah that's when my panic and I you know road comic

a tour that's all I did was travel my commute was to the airport and after that I used to get now I'm scared like I hate turbulence

even though like do you do this when you feel turbulence you're like there's gonna be another one coming you feel the other one you're like it this when you feel turbulence you're like there's going to be another one coming you feel the other one you're like it's probably another one and you're like

okay maybe one more and then you're like okay and then it smooths out and you're like okay so then something comes and you're like yeah I've screamed on a plane before I've screamed I'll do this too I grab and look my house is scared.

Like I'm trying to, he's still reading the paper. I watch, I keep an eye on the, you know, I like to, I generally fly first. I generally fly first.

Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. I'm back there keeping an eye on you. So I, I stare at the flight attendant when there's turbulence. And as long as she stays calm, I can kind of stay calm.

I was on a flight to Amsterdam. KLM flight. Turbulence was fucked up. And the purser comes running down the aisle.

Running down. And I'm like... comes running down the aisle. Running down. And I'm like running on a plane. To get to the thing that said get in your seat. And I'm right by where that mic thing is. And I was like I'm pretty sure that's not

how you handle this. And the old man was crying next to me. Crying? Yeah yeah i think it was his first flight i don't think he's going to make it back i just remember being like this woman is but i honestly i think that made me feel, and this is before, this was before I was really scared to fly, I think. But that is what made me, like, be able to watch calm flight attendants and stay calm, even though I was feeling, you know. She's bouncing, they're still back there pouring coffee. I'm like, we're good.

Like, I just, yeah. Janice has done been through this a bunch, yeah. Yeah, I get so, like. Fear of heights. I started getting scared of heights when I'd never been scared of heights before. I'm like, what is going on? What is going on? I used to love to fly.

I loved turbulence. The more turbulence, the better when I was younger. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. When you're a kid. I loved it. Oh, I loved it. Because you don't have the fear of death as a

kid no you know i yelled on a plane i've told this before but i'll that's a quick one you'll laugh at this so i have that anxiety you know and um now with this whole blood disease i have found out i had i gotta get up walk every goddamn 90 minutes and shit i'm the asshole in the back you know chatting them up because i gotta be bad back. I'm stretching. I'm doing it. I got my fucking compression pants on and shit. You have compression pants? I have to wear them. You almost like pants. Yeah, I got to wear compression pants. Do you wear pants over them or do you just wear

snug ass? Can you imagine if I didn't? I do. You just wear bike shorts all the time. What's up, everybody? I can always get the middle seat next to me. I get poor man's first class. Don't worry about it. But one time, I'm sleeping. And now also, because of the... I'm also a courteous person because of...

I do like to sit in the window seat and I like to try to sleep. But I can't sleep now because I got to get up every night. So now I don't want to walk across everybody. I sit in the aisle. I sit in the aisle also. And you know, that just doesn't make me feel as secure. I know it's so dumb. We're going a thousand miles an hour. Anything hits, it's over. The window ain't going to save me. You know what I mean? Nothing. But in my mind, I feel less secure in the aisle seat, but I sit there anyway, you know. The one time, I guess I fell asleep.

But in my mind, we're headed to Baltimore, you know what I mean? And we are up there, and all of a sudden, the plane just, and I mean, it is 747, nose diving down. In your, I had that same thing. In the real world, in my life. And I went, huh! And I mean, I woke I went, and I mean, I woke myself up and I looked around. Listen, everybody like leaning up.

Listen, we still had four hours to go, girl. I took my hoodie up with a shirt on my head and I just laid there. I didn't take drinks, nothing. Just, I'm sorry, everybody. I had the, everybody. I'm sorry. I had the same thing.

I like the window as well. Part of it is, like, if there's turbulence, if I can see the ground, for some reason, it's a little bit steadier. Me too. I don't, yes. If I'm in the clouds, I'm like, we don't know what's going on. I've seen other planes, and I'm like,

why was that? The plane was close. Once I saw a plane, I was like, we don't know what's going on. I've seen other planes and I'm like, the plane was close. Once I saw a plane, I was like, that plane wasn't supposed to be that close. Like, yeah, I saw a plane go by and I was like, that's too close. There's too much sky for that plane to have been where it was. Like, I was like, something's up. But I'd fallen asleep at the window. Turbulence. I think there must have been some turbulence I don't think it was that bad but in my dream in my sleep I felt it and I felt a drop and I screamed too and I was like and the person next to me, you know, was kind and was like, okay. I was like, but no one else really reacted.

But I was just like, oh, God. I remember I used to fly to Chicago all the time. I flew American. And so, you know, Chicago is the big hub over there. I flew American, and so, you know, Chicago's the big hub over there. And the wind shears. I was on a flight once that tried to land three times. No.

Fuck that. I hate that. Because I just want to get down. Even when they go, oh, we got to go back up and around. That's what I'm saying. There's another hour. There's another hour. Now we got to wait to get into that circle.

Oh, fuck. I remember getting off the plane. I was crying, crying, crying. I was in the hallway, you know, having gotten off the plane, away from the gate, in that hallway, towards the Mrs. Fields. I remember seeing Mrs. Fields. Sitting, I sat down on the heater that was along the window. I called my agent. I said, cancel the rest of my shows.

I'm done. I don't know how I'm getting home, but I'm done. I'm not getting on another fucking plane. He's like, calm down. Get to the hotel. Do your show. We can talk about it when you get back. I said, well, I'm probably driving back.

It's going to be a while. I was just... I'll never forget that day I had I was doing this show and what's the kid from Saved by the Bell with the scurly afro Screech. Dustin Diamond. Dustin Diamond was also

on this show. I don't remember what he did or whatever he went on after me because it was a bigger name. I was like, yeah, I'm done. My stand-up career is over. It wasn't, but I was messed up. Wind cheers.

Fuck that. I hate flying in Chicago. I just want to say right now I really miss stand up I miss the art of grabbing a microphone and getting up on stage and rocking a mic and making an audience laugh for an hour I miss it

I miss the fuck out I also realized today too what a joke all of this whole life thing did I just put my whole life and passion into an art form that could be gone? I mean, think about that. I'm a kid. My whole life, all I've ever wanted to be was this thing, this thing, this thing, this thing.

This thing's gone. It's just gone. It could be. So now I'm like, fuck it. Live your life however the fuck you want to live it. Do whatever the fuck you want to do. I don't even know if you should dream anymore. I don't even know if you should dream anymore. I don't even know if you should dream.

I mean, Corona going to come along. Kill my dreams. I was just with a friend of mine. We were talking about, she's an actor too. And we were talking about red carpets and stuff like that. And how we would tell people, it's not all it's cracked up to be you know it's not as glamorous it's not as glamorous as it looks and i was like yeah we're probably salty just before we got out of the car kind of thing and then we were talking about the

photographers and i'm like what are those photographers doing like that was their job to go to these events take pictures sell the pictures earn money churches all of it all these jobs all these passions all these human beings have had all these occupations and jobs and dreams a lot of them could be gone so how do you tell your kids you can be anything but that shit could be taken away from you for nothing for a virus. Um, all right. I want to,

I want to wrap this up with you, but before we do, I want to ask you advice you would give to your 16 year old self with, with the hindsight you now have, what would you say? Uh, I always say patience. Um,

my big thing was, you know, I wanted to become an actor. I wanted to be a successful actor. And so, you know, so that's why I started stand up because, you know, my path, I thought, was to have my own sitcom. And I had anxiety. And not anxiety that it wasn't happening. I believed it was going to happen. My anxiety was, when's it going to happen? When's it going to happen? When's it going to happen?

And so I would tell my younger self, just chill. It's going to happen. You know, even though I knew deep, deep down, I was like, it's going to happen. Up under that tomahawk cut your head up there up under it it was gonna happen yeah and so because i really don't feel like i had any doubt i i honestly felt like i'm gonna figure something out probably. But I felt like I knew it was going to happen. Just calm down. Let that anxiety go. Now I have anxiety for a whole different reason.

I'm trying not to catch the disease. That's great. Thank you. Thank you for coming on. I'm serious. I know you don't do podcasts. I know you't it's exclusive over here thank you um as always ryan sickler on all social media ryan sickler.com we will talk to y'all next week I'll see you next time.