The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Rory Scovel - RoryDew

Episode Date: March 14, 2022

My HoneyDew this week is comedian, Rory Scovel! (Pen Pals Podcast, Robbie) Rory Highlights the Lowlights of his mother dying on his 1st birthday, and his dad and grandparents' recent passing. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee!  https://www.youtube.com/rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew SPONSORS: Dad Grass -Go to https://www.DadGrass.com/HONEYDEW to get 20% off your first order Raycon -Get 15% off your Raycon order at https://www.BuyRaycon.com/HONEYDEW Manscaped -Get 20% off and free shipping with the code HONEYDEW at https://www.Manscaped.com

Nashville, Tennessee. Lexington, Kentucky. Thank you so much for all the love. It was great to see you all out there. I really appreciate all the support. I am bringing the Night Pants Nation tour to Boston March 31st to April 2nd and Minneapolis April 28th through the 30th. Get your tickets for those shows and all shows at RyanSickler.com. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Nightpan Studios. I am Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all your social media.com, Ryan Sickler on all your social media. I want to say, as I do every week, thank you for your support here. Please hit the subscribe button on the YouTube, y'all. How can I help the show, Ryan? I don't have a lot

of money. It's free. You're watching it right now. Hit the subscribe button. It means nothing to you. It means everything to all of us, all right? The Patreon is going nowhere. The honeydew with y'all is one of my favorite things to do. I love my job and y'all have not let me down. If you or someone, you know, out there has that story that has to be heard, please submit it to honeydewpodcast at gmail.com. Okay. It's five bucks a month. If you sign up for a year, you're getting over a month free and you're getting the honeydew a day early ad free at no additional cost. All right. You guys know what we do over here. We highlight the lowlights. I always say these are the stories behind the storytellers. Today's guest, first time here. Very excited to have him on the Honeydew, y'all. Ladies and gentlemen, Rory Scovel. Welcome to the Honeydew, Rory. Yeah. Thank you. This is a long time. Thanks

for having me. Yeah. Thanks for being here. I don't like eating Honeydew Roy. Yeah, thank you. This is a long time coming. Thanks for having me. Yeah, thanks for being here. I don't like eating honeydew. And I just realized that whole picture behind you. That's the whole point. Just staring at it. It's a perfectly good fruit. You're right. People just throw the fuck away.

People love it. People like that. They like cantaloupe. See this one? Somebody at their job caught this guy passing up perfectly good honeydew. He's going for the candle. He's a fucking crazy. Yeah.

And that one right there, the honeydew with the cigarette in the middle. Yeah, exactly. That's everything. Sticking around. Yeah. Well, good. This makes me feel like I fit right in. It's like a hug in here, bro.

It's a perfect welcome. Yeah. Okay. Excuse me. First, before we begin please plug promote everything and anything you'd like you got it uh i myself have a podcast with daniel van kirk called uh pen pals the pen pals podcast so uh wherever you get your podcast which i don't know where even those places are but wherever that is, look us up. Give us a go.

See if you like what we're doing. And then I'm on a show called Physical on Apple TV Plus with Rose Byrne. So I'd say those two things. All right. What about your social media, website, any of that stuff? At Rory Scovel for all that stuff. RoryScovel.com. But I have not.

I'm not like you. I have not been on the road in so long. I don't even know if I can fully remember what that space even feels like. So if someone does go to RoryScovel.com, look past the fact that it's not updated in any way. And also don't go to the tour dates and see that I probably haven't even deleted things from 2018. Like, oh, he's coming to Toronto. Look at that year. Look at the year before you click buy.

You got a lot of expiration dates. Yeah. Well, I'm not like you. I've never been in a movie or a series. So see what I mean? You don't need a dot com. Maybe you don't need the dot com. I don't know if any of us needed it.

I feel like social media is the new free free space to just you know i think if you go on tiktok and you say i'm in vancouver that almost hits more people than the the dot com i think but i don't know how to play i i there's a part of me it feels like i don't know how to play this new game of i was already bad at promoting myself then the game changed for someone who already wasn't doing the old way so there's a part of me it's like well maybe the new way works for me and then that's when i stop having any tour dates so i haven't got to experiment yet to see if it works but we'll see i'll get back out there i'll get i'll get on the road well you have a very

interesting backstory i do remember from the crab feast talking about this a little bit but there's so much more that's happened obviously since then that we're going to get into but death unfortunately you like myself very familiar with death very early on but you very early on so your mom died on your first birthday my mom passed away on my first birthday okay how how did your mom pass she had Hodgkin's disease uh so cancer and uh now can I ask did she did she know that while she was pregnant or was that something that happened but in the year she had you yeah that it's it's interesting because and I feel like maybe you can relate that but a lot of people can relate this if you've lost someone at a young age the story

that you start to get has to come from people and especially for us uh you know in the in the 80s came from people who maybe were like well just tell him whatever right it doesn't matter like i which i would have done that i would have made that mistake too but yeah for me i from what i can understand is that uh she was diagnosed had like was pregnant with me that's my understanding and um was given the option to go through chemotherapy uh but was told that i definitely was gonna it would it would have taken my life. And so she didn't do it. So your mom literally gave her life for you. She literally gave her life.

She said, from what I'm told, this is how we're starting. But I have a- Listen, if your life started this way, the episode could start this way. Yeah, this is how things start. There's good spots. Sometimes there's good spots right in the middle. You get to the middle of a jelly donut.

That's a fun space to be. But to get there, you're like, this is a little dry. And he's day old. But I've had family members, aunts, and close family friends of my parents who, you know, they said that she was like, no, my son will have a chance. And, you know, someone tells you that. I think the first time someone told me that my mother had said that when she had refused to do chemotherapy was, I want to say I was like late teens, early twenties, but maybe late teens. And I mean, it's, I'd say that moment in her life before I was even born is what pushed me to decide that whatever I was going to do with my life, I was like,

building off of that, that inspiration, I was like, I don't think for me, inspiration. I was like, I don't think for me, if I have a job I don't like, then I think I wasted this moment that someone made this ultimate sacrifice. And so I'm like, so then I want to do something big. Of course. And it's so interesting. I mean, how all these things tie together. You go, I want to do something big. And so for me, it just happened to be, oh, I, you know, I'm funny. I'm a class clown.

I do this. And then you stumble into standup and then suddenly you're like, oh, this is actually kind of got some traction. But, you know, in those first three years, you don't know what that kind of traction is. Three. Well, I mean, when you're starting to go up. I mean, 19. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. exactly still today i have tour

dates and i'm like i gotta make my life special like where are you having updated your website go daddy's still sending you reminders right you gotta pay for your website your mom for went chemo well i can't i'm busy right now i can I can't do it today. I'll call some clubs soon. But yeah, there's this motivation in the back of my mind to be like, well, I have to do something big and extraordinary. And it isn't until now at 41 that I've kind of been like, well, I don't, I don't really know what that ever even meant. Uh, this like, you know, like, oh, I'm a, I'm a standup and I got to do something on live at Gotham where I make money going on the road or, or the opportunities that we get in this business, you almost step back and you're like, well, only now am I like, well, is that the big

thing that I thought it would be? Cause I think I? Because I think I'm just lucky to have a really cool, fun job. Man, I resonate hard with that. That's it. Like I say all the time, we're hearing about all these fucking child predators and rapists and shit in our job. Right. But if we worked for FedEx and that was one of the top drivers i'm supposed to rally for that guy because he's a good fedex delivery guy i mean get the fuck out of here right yeah get the fuck out of here what are you talking about i get that what we do is different it's

unique maybe it's special yeah there's a different thing but at the end of the day we are the people the theater kids don't want to hang out with. We are the fucking bad news bears. We are the misfits. And there is something fucked up and mental and lovable and funny and fun about us. Yeah. Okay. But I'm right there with you. Yeah.

That is who we are. Yeah. Period. It kind of makes you, I think it really puts it in place that you go, oh, this is, I'm lucky that I have this job. And the fact that it is a job in the past two years has taught us, you know, gratitude in a huge way. But at the same time, hopefully, the reason why, you know, I think you're successful and many of our friends are successful, even people we don't know who are successful, is because you can tell that it's just, it's actually their personality is, there's something ingrained in them that says, I'm not afraid of 300 strangers. I'm not afraid of this joke working or not working. I'm not afraid of what I'm wearing. The things that some people, I think when they go, I could never get on stage. It's like, because the 10 things you're thinking about aren't even, those don't even cross our mind. We literally are chasing a drug that's

already built into us to go for it. It isn't us going, you know, oh yeah, I think I got, you know, when you have a new joke joke that's like a drug that you can't even i had a driver in kansas city that drove me to the club and the guy i'm not gonna do it now but he literally says he keeps saying he's from wisconsin so i'm like okay this guy wants me to ask why i go so what brought you to kansas city and he goes you want the prison version or do you want to follow the woman version i was like i definitely want the prison version or do you want the I'll follow the woman version? I was like, I definitely want the prison version. So I have a new five-minute fucking story about the felon, the federal felon who robbed banks that drove me to the club now.

Yeah. So, all right, let's talk about a few things here. How old was your mom when she passed? 25. Holy fuck. I'll tell you what, that really changes you too. You might have gone through this because when you hit that age- At 42, dude.

When you hit that age, you go, fuck, that's way younger than I've ever pictured in my life. What are you doing at 25? What's 25-year-old Rory Scoville doing? Just give me something during the day. Pot. Definitely smoking pot. Skipping. If I'm at work.

This is what I was doing. So I lived in D.C. and I was doing, I worked for a government contracting firm, contractor with Irving Burton Associates, IBA. Oh, yeah. And it was like medical stuff for like veterans and things. But I was just like a secretary, desktop support specialist. But I was just secretary. I went and ran. I got supplies. I made sure the conversation.

Call it DSS. All right? No secretary. You're the desktop support specialist, right? Yeah. The printer needs paper. Oh, okay. Executive DSS.

Yeah, the printer. My pen needs ink. Can you get me another pen? You got it. Somebody left the cap off the sharp. Let pen needs ink. Can you get me another pen? You got it. Somebody left the cap off the Sharpie. Let me get those. I got it. Let me get those because I'm a specialist.

Got a rainbow pen. Specialist in anything is a red flag. But yeah, so that's what I did. That's what I was doing in DC. Listen, that's under the desk. I have specifically desktop. This is how my job was. When I took calls, I had to put a notch

of how many calls we got that day. And I just transferred calls. My boss was the greatest boss ever. Everybody knew I did stand up. They thought, oh, that's great. In one of my yearly reviews, I said to my boss, I was like, you don't need someone doing this. I was like, you could get a machine to answer it. And he was like, like you're the first person ever come in here to explain to me why you shouldn't have a job he goes you do stand up he goes do you want me to really write this down and take this to the higher ups like hey we should get a robot and i was like i guess i guess not and that's what you're doing and your mom is deciding to forego chemo at 25 exactly what a fucking decision exactly so what so in that space of being 25 i was also that's when i started stand up was uh 24 24 i think 23 24 um and that's when

i started getting on stage so there's this part of me that's living this life of like do i have the audacity would i ever have the courage the bravery to ever say that to a doctor if i was in that position but then there's this there's this part of me that's like, I have a responsibility to pursue my own joy and happiness because of- Someone gave you that key. Yeah, yeah. I think all the time too. It's not important to me to be famous.

It's not important to me to be any of that stuff. But what was important to me too, is I literally have my father and grandmother who's gave their life for us and there's no way I'm going to waste it. So part of me isn't just, doesn't just want to do what I want to do and do it to its fullest because they were like, go live the life you want to live. Yeah. But the other part of me wants to keep them alive in some way and tell their stories. And I'm glad and fortunate to be able to tell stories in my stand-up and podcast that have kept people, kept them alive, at least for me. Yeah, yeah. It's nice to talk about them and shit like that.

Yeah. All right. Let's dial it back a second here. Your mom's 25. Your dad's 20. I believe he was 25 going on 26 they're married yeah and is this their first child together i'm their second second so my sister's a year and a half older than me okay so i don't know when she specifically found out that yeah because you guys are pretty quick back to back yeah yeah i don't know when they're like, oh, yeah, you have this long to live. I don't even remember if that was like a thing.

All anyone's ever told me now is they're like, oh, yeah, the treatment she could have had now would be, you know, she would have survived. She would have lived. But at the time, they didn't know, you know, it's always such a evolving sort of game with cancer, I guess. It's, you know, you don't know what treatments they're going to uncover and what they won't. So basically your dad is the diary of your mom for you. Yeah. We're going to get to that, but I have this one question. Is there anything that sticks out that anyone in the family or one of her friends told you about her? Like, um, something you're like, that's fucking cool to know. You know, it's, it not even that long ago because I haven't ever really known my mother.

You're one. You don't, nothing. There was one time I was at my grandparents' house, her parents, and they, they were like,

you know, we have all this film and I was like, wait, what do you mean? And they're like, yeah, because we had a camera,

we were upset, my grandfather was obsessed with it, he had like the film camera, no audio, but like film and they're like, you know,

we have a lot of this of your mom and I was like, I've never seen her in motion. Like, this is absurd. And I was like, do you have a projector? And they were like, yeah. So I remember being at their house one day and I'm putting the projector together. I'm like jacked and I couldn't, the projector wouldn't work. It was like broken. So I had all, yeah. And I had all of those and they were just in this box and I didn't live in, in my hometown of Greenville at the time. So I was like broken. Real to real? So I had all, yeah. And I had all of those and they were just in this box. And I didn't live in my hometown of Greenville at the time. So I was like, all right, well, let's, we'll keep these here. I got in touch with my cousin.

I said, can you find someone? I'll pay for all of it. Go get all this transferred digitally. And not that long ago, we got all of that transferred. My sister and I got to see her like movement, which is like. What was that like? that transferred my sister and i got to see her like movement which is like what's that what was that like it's strange because it's like uh i i mean i don't know what it would be like to hear her voice i think i don't think that'll be something i'm ever able to do i don't think

in 81 you know i don't i don't know what she would have had you know any home video stuff they had home cameras it wasn't it was just yeah i don't know i don't know if she if there's anything that exists but um that was a moment but then also maybe in 2018 i went and got coffee in charleston south carolina with because i was doing a show there get this random email a friend of hers from high school is also in town and she she was like, I was friends with your mom and I have a letter that she wrote me before she passed away. And, uh, she's like, I'd like to just sit and meet you and chat. And so I was like, this has never happened. This is great. So I went and sat down with her and her husband and we chatted and she was showing me some pictures that she had in this letter to like, see my mother's handwriting it's

it's sort of a testament to what we do and and what other artists i think do but like reading her writing is the only way i think i've i will probably ever hear her voice is that one letter that i've i've now read but she said your mom used to like steal shit like what she used she said well there's one picture we went to to disney world and she goes your mom uh she goes this is just after us stealing stuff from the gift shop oh she was like petty yeah like tiny shit that didn't matter and i gotta say like you know everyone building her up to me as your mom was perfect she did this they don't they don't tell you the real thing and i gotta say it was the most it was like the first moment that i felt this this thing of of real i was like that's her yeah i was like i like tell me the more fucked up thing

she said or did like give me give me that like as opposed to perfect which is just so hard to believe the older you get and they were also like uh she used to help at the high school and work in the office and she would steal all the tardy slips and just give them out to people that's to be like here just you can just use these tardy slips and my whole life because of uh how my dad you know the level of discipline and stuff i lived this fear of doing things wrong. Like I was the kid who in any movie, I was the kid going, I don't think we should do this.

That was my whole life. Guys, we're going to get in trouble. We're friends are like, what does that even mean? I'm like, well, at my house,

it's pretty bad. I don't want to fucking get in trouble. So I'd like to not participate. So to find out that she was like this, I'm just like, oh man, I like,, I'm just like, oh, man. There's something kind of fun to know that that sort of mischief isn't even in my DNA. It almost feels great.

But yeah, that was something recently where I was like, oh, this is – it really made me go, well, fuck, now I really want to know this person that I'll never know, you know, and then trying to figure out how to do that is, you know, it's intense because there's the one guy who I could talk to, to go, hey, who is this woman is my dad. And my sister and I, you know, we'd check in with each other all the time even as two people not knowing how to talk to each other about hey our mom's dead so how does that make you feel you know you know you don't know how to talk about it with anybody really you're 41 you said right yeah and you're a dad how old you're if you have a son yeah my daughter she's six yeah okay well six oh we are the same yeah all right so your daughter's six you're 41 your dad's basically 25 yeah he's now he's a widow

yeah his wife has just died of cancer yeah he's left with basically a three-year-old and a one-year-old yeah what happens and can you by the way can you imagine being 25 fucking years old you know what and all that's going on while you're also trying to figure out yeah how to raise a boy and a girl yeah i it's so funny to me i'm not funny i got i don't know maybe it is kind of funny but but what does happen at that time is that his younger younger sister, he was one of five kids. He was the oldest. So the next kid in line, my Aunt Connie, she stops college and moves in with us. And so it's my dad, my aunt, and my sister and me. And it's strange because losing your mother at one is something you can't mentally understand. But I fully believe in the connection that you do have.

And I think there is something that does happen where the cells in your body or something are fully aware that a trauma has occurred. Whether you can digest that as a person. I believe that wholeheartedly. You just know it. It's just something. The energy. Yeah, there's an energy and you're like, that's gone, but you don't know what that even means. Right. And then my aunt moves in with us and it's hard to look back on or weird to look back on and

realize that while people are explaining your reality to you, which is how we all live, someone has to also explain to you, no, how we all live. Someone has to also explain to you, no, your mother, you, you don't have a mother because you don't understand that because you, I've immediately shifted to, oh, this is my, this woman, this is this woman. And this man, these are my two, but this is my, you know, you're like a dog. You're like, what's my pack? Where do I stand in the pack? And so it was like, oh, this is the pack. And of course, you know, when you think about some, you try to find some positives. I mean, I had a great family, a big family. My dad was one of five kids. So like, obviously everybody realizes like all hands on deck, like these two kids and what they're going through. Like we're a family, we're going to be together. We're going to, you know, come in. And that's my perception. together we're gonna you know come in and that's my perception granted my dad at the time could have been like i wished everyone would have fucked off or i didn't think i didn't think so-and-so did enough like i didn't see it i'll tell you what yeah vicky was shit you know you

know she should have been there likeicky you don't even send gifts don't even send you didn't send gifts I saw at the funeral they still went around with a collection plate you didn't even contribute you didn't contribute got a collection plate at a funeral

I don't even do Catholics do that? that's gotta be Catholics say hey I know this but still Got a collection plate at a funeral. Do Catholics do that? That's got to be a lot of Catholics. Hey, I know this, but still. It's still give a little bit. It's fine. It's going to be okay if you give a little bit. Yeah.

You got to give to get. You got to give to get, folks. Get a couple extra years on your soul if you throw a couple bucks. Yeah. So that became my reality and as a kid i don't understand at all in any capacity what my dad is is going through there's no there's no chance even even when you're 25 how the fuck could you unless you go through that no okay but what what age do you start remembering people sort of formulating the story for you?

And who was it? Yeah, I don't know. I don't, I, my assumption, and I'd have to ask family members like, hey, right away, were you guys constantly informing us that Aunt Connie is not your mom? Because no matter what, whether I was told that, you start to form a bond with a maternal, there's a maternal thing happening there, even for her. We aren't her kids, but she's now a mother to two kids that aren't her kids. I'm sure it's a strange place to be, but we were, you know, my assumption was like, you're my person, you know, that's where my soul was. And then my dad remarried when I was in the second grade. And so then that there was just a sudden shift where that my aunt now was like, all right, back to school to finish my degree

to become a teacher. And now here I am with living with a stepmother and it's that is a such a strange space to be in that i've i've said that to my sister and so i mean that's a different kind of divorce well yeah where i've i've told people i'm like i don't i don't think i don't know if our family if it registers for a family maybe it does that that is two traumas that is kind of like losing two moms my mom yeah yeah and i i i have so many i have so many memories of my aunt coming to visit and you know we're in i remember there's one time and this is where my memory gets a little hazy because i know for a fact i was in the first grade but i also know that she had already moved to Florence, South Carolina. But I also know that my dad got married in second grade. So I don't know, I'm hazy in the timeline

of why and what, but I remember one day she took us to school before she was going to drive back to Florence and we were just parked in the car and just sitting there. And you know this space, everybody knows this space. You're sitting there and you're in this sad, and you know this space. Everybody knows this space. You're sitting there, and you're in this sad moment, and you know that I was in first grade. And I can remember just kind of like almost shaking like, oh, I know she's about to leave. And this, to me, is my mother. Right. And I know she's about to leave.

And I'm going to get worked up here but we get out of the car um to walk to the the lines you know you get in before you go into the school and i just remember i dropped all of my stuff and i looked at her and i was like i don't want you to go and i think back now like fuck how i think me, like, that's a traumatizing moment. Yeah. But her, I think in that moment, like, I relate to that more now. Where if my daughter said that to me, like, and for whatever reason, I don't want you to leave. Oh.

I don't know what, like, it's almost like someone just stabbed you. Yeah. And you don't even scream. You just are, like, it's almost like someone just stabbed you. Yeah. And you don't even scream. You just are like in this shock of it. But I remember dropping all my stuff. I'm crying. I'm like, I don't want you to leave. And she's like, I gotta leave.

And then whatever transpires, I end up getting in the line. I remember being in school. I'm crying. And I don't even know what, if only now do I look back at this, like, even if you're the teacher and someone goes, well, you know, his mom died on his first birthday. This aunt moved in to take care of him. Anyway, she's got to go back to work. So anyways, he's sad about that. If you're the teacher, are you just like, hey, here's a pile of candy because I can't even fat. Like I over here going oh i forgot to i'm

36 and i've never gone i'm over here going my vcr is broken yeah that's what i thought that was a thing but now this kid's six and so i think i feel stuff like that even more because like i just said my daughter is in that age and i i constantly record where she's at in her life and where I was at. And it gives me this strange trauma that doesn't relate to her. But I experienced through where I'm like, oh, that's where I almost start to cry. Like on her first birthday, I cried in bed. And my wife was like, I remember I got home. I was probably doing a spot or something.

And I got home and the next day was her birthday party and her first birthday. And I was just crying. And I remember my wife being like, what, are you okay? And I was like, I only now know what one year looks like. Right. I now know, oh, you were born 365 days and that's it. And it's fine it's it's almost like a finite number you know you've been talking like let's think about your mom for a second this is a 25 year old woman yeah who knows she's dying yeah and there's a moment in her life where she looks at you guys for the last time or no she's never gonna see you guys grow up or anything and i'm just over here thinking that is a parent right now like oh yeah the fucking like if cancer isn't bad enough you know what i mean like they told me and this is what's interesting to me too and everyone kind of develops their story my aunt

told me and my aunt connie told me this at one point she goes so you she goes your mother collapsed in the bathroom of the the hospital room that she was in because she had a heart attack and she collapsed. And so I remember when she told me that, I was like, so did she die of a heart attack? And my aunt goes, not to me. To me, it was the cancer that killed her. And I remember going, that is so important. Nothing against my aunt, but I remember it made me angry

that this story that matters so much to who I am and where I come from to decide like, yeah, but I think it was this. Now, as I've gotten older, I look back and I go, you know what? I can understand her perspective of the cancer, whatever it was going through, whatever treatment she was doing. I'm sure it made it so weak that, you know, maybe in a normal world, she doesn't have a heart attack at all. So then you go, well, that's what I mean by it taking you. But I just, so I say all that to say that I don't know if there was ever this last moment of like, oh, I'm not going to get out of here and this will take me. I truly think that my family might have thought she's going to be fine. And I think this all comes from the story that people tell you

that I think we were going to Myrtle beach and we were supposed to go to Myrtle beach. And I, for some reason, I feel like someone's told me a story that we were going to like pick her up to like go to the beach. So I, I'm hazy on what everyone's expectations were of her recovering or not recovering. But I do know that my dad was at home with us my aunt tells me this and got a must have gotten a phone call because she goes i walked in the door and she's like your dad threw the two of you at me almost like in the most dangerous way you could ever pass two kids off somebody he was like i gotta go he was like out the door and off to the hospital and man the older i get the more i think what is that like what is that space when when you get that phone call

what i think about it so much now like what was that drive from starting your car no texts how are you how do you see the road? Just your mind. Yeah. And the radio's not on. You're just driving. Flying. You're just, there's no way you're not looking at it through a stained glass window out your windshield.

Like the tears are just taking over. And I've thought about that more and more as I've aged. My brain asks better questions about what happened in these moments as opposed to, oh, yeah, he threw it and then he drove off. My brain has now become more of that journalist of like, God, I wonder what that drive was like, a question I never had before. Does he know that she's gone and what's the fast forward of the rest of your life? I've got two kids. How am I going to do this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So your dad was alive. He died recently? My dad died in June of 2020. Man, very recently. Sorry. Four months into COVID, I guess, and he had a heart attack and passed away. Because it also is important to know if your mom died.

If she had that cancer, is that hereditary? Exactly. There's all kinds of things that you need to know if your mom died. If she had that cancer, is that hereditary? Exactly. There's all kinds of things that you need to know, not just for you, but for your daughter too. But heart stuff. My grandfather had a heart attack.

My aunt, Connie, who is still alive, she's had a heart attack and you just go, hey, heart stuff, we need to know. But did she ever get that degree? She got that degree.

Connie got that degree. Way to go, Connie! She got it. She taught. She's retired. She's moved on. She got it. She taught. She's retired. She's moved on. She's at the beach. A little two-year hiatus.

Take care of you guys. Did she stay present in your life after that? Would you still see her? She's been very present. Yeah. I know obviously it was a day-to-day originally. Yeah. We would see her and spend time with her.

And I think my sister and I have sort of a unique aunt, niece, nephew relationship because it's, you know, I mean, more so, I mean, to all of us, because we all feel it, but, you know, more so to her because she was of an age to really remember that time period, whereas my sister and I, it's more something you just feel and you kind of

maintain over time. But yeah. There's three phases of things I want to talk about. I want to talk about your dad first. I want to talk about your stepmom who came in at the time. I'm just saying this so I don't forget. And then I want to talk about, because your mom's parents were alive when she passed, right? So now you've got her parents and your dad as sort of these living diaries to ask questions and start with your dad. Like when, at what age do you remember like a real conversation with your dad about your mom? Never.

Never? We never had one. Were you always scared to ask? I was terrified. And it wasn't that he would shut it down, you just never asked? He never shut it down. In fact, when those reel-to-reels, when those got converted to digital and I could actually see video of my mother on a DVD, I remember I was visiting my sister in Virginia.

My dad was there with my stepmom. And I can't remember if I was in town doing shows, but I think I was just like, like oh this is kind of bizarre that all of us are up at my sister's place because that just never happens and she maybe i can't remember what it was if it was one of her kids or something but anyways my sister goes let's put on one of those dvds which was such a in front of my dad which was like such a moment of like is this this how, like I was terrified and excited by it because I think instinctually as his kids, I think my sister and I always carried this sense of protecting him from that. And I don't,

I don't know why, but I think we were all just always like, we know how we feel and we know who you are and how you are. And I think there was this place of like, we won't bring this sadness to you. Have you ever just been too damn high? With today's weed, it can be a dangerous game. And we don't always have time to play reefer roulette when we're looking to light up. Dad grass is reviving the pleasure of the casual smoke so you can chill out without the stress.

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i just want to see how you're reacting um how was he well he was fine i i think i i think what and i don't know this but i think what happens is is you you have you have to move on you have to go this was that life and now this is this life and i think my dad sat there and he could have easily i mean ripe moment to like have asked questions and you know know, say some stuff. My first tattoo. Nothing like she looks like you or you're not getting nothing out of it. Nothing. Nothing.

And like I said, I mean, there's this instinct of going, well, I'm not going to ever push this issue. Is your dad in these videos as well? My dad's in them. Look, there you are, dad. He's not saying like, I remember that birthday. He's not saying anything. He is saying stuff. He's not sitting there shut down. He is sitting there

commenting and saying some stuff. And I think that made me and my sister feel really good. I mean, us sitting down having a conversation with him is something that we've talked about for a very long time in our lives. And you never tried to double team him and go at it? We just never set it up. It just was this thing that- What were you scared of? You said you were scared to death. Of what? So I think hurting him. I think seeing him think about it and hurt.

There was this one time we were at Myrtle Beach and me and my sister and my dad used to like play. I mean, my dad really focused on making sure like, hey, I'm going to be there. And we were playing in the in the water i feel like it was like going into the evening sun's like kind of going down and we're just having the best time in the water and my dad just like stopped and i i remember you know when kids got that energy they don't understand like the stop and i just remember it was like clearly

something had just shifted and he got up and and and that was that was kind just remember it was like clearly something had just shifted and he got up and and and that was that was kind of it it was like sort of this i'm gonna go i'm gonna go in or whatever and i i remember being like oh i don't like i think we were both confused if maybe we did something or if we were in trouble and i i remember my grandmother, his mother. Get him in the nuts. My one of them was so sad. Maybe that hot cock joke isn't funny anymore, and he's feeling it. Guys, I'm going to head in. I can't.

I got a stray heel. I got a stray heel, guys. I can't feel my – guys, I got to get – I got to lay down. Lay down. I got to lay down, guys. Lay down. Lay down. I got to lay down, guys. But my grandmother said to us so casually, she's like,

I heard your dad lost your mom's ring in the ocean. And he had it on a necklace, just threw it. And whatever, the necklace had come off or whatever. And I just remember that. I then started to play that back in my mind, the moment of like him, like, oh, we're having so much fun. And then like, and it's the ocean. It's gone.

And you're like, there's no finding this. And I was so young. So it was definitely so prevalent, that symbol. And I've thought about that moment too where i just like god that even that like i you think like well what are the ways to bring it up what are the ways to talk to your dad i gotta say for people listening to this who maybe you're in this position and you feel these kind of things the day that you will finally figure out how to talk about these things is the day you can't do it. And it's not over time. It is literally Thanos snapping his fingers and every I've wanted to ask him about my mom. And it's only now that I realized like, oh, that isn't the way in. The way in was to ask him about him. The way in was

to say, when you were going to the hospital, what were you thinking? and then just listen and go if if me asking you that isn't the biggest sign as opposed to i remember i had so much anger of like don't you understand how important it is for us to know and i almost put it on him like to pull us aside and go hey here's you know it's not that he would never mention something and when my grandparents would come over right he was there. And it was just like, yeah, I understand the situation. Was your dad just that type of, did you have a sex talk with your dad? Never.

My dad would never in a million years. So he's probably that era. He's not that guy. Yeah. He's not that guy. And my dad was also not. He's not going to give it up. My dad was not a macho machismo guy.

My dad was like a clown. He would do jokes. He would look silly. He dressed so badly, but thought he looked great. And he also didn't live. Yeah. Yeah.

But it's great. That's how, that's how you should be. I, it also another thing, like when he passed away, I was like, God,

I don't think I ever gave my dad enough credit for doing and living. And, and you know, he had, obviously we all have our negatives, but some of those positives that didn't just highlight as positives and go, man, it's great that you, I like, I'm embarrassed that I have to stand next to you dressed like that because you truly look so crazy. He came to one of my shows at the Charlotte, uh, comedy zone and uh it's cold it's winter in uh crew socks with adidas sandals like he's some sort of fucking soccer player from the 90s going to the on going to a tournament

going to a tournament he's about to put his fucking socks on and he's wearing basketball shorts and a hoodie. My aunt coaches, uh, coached, uh, college basketball. So he's got on the Gulf coast Commodores hoodie.

And, and just, I, I was like, I remember I came out of the green room. I go, stop. I got to take a picture of you.

Stand right there. And he's just like, and he, and I mean, we hung out afterwards. We're at a bar and he's dressed like that. And I just can't, I'm like, I, I, I'm just like, do you know what you look like right now? and he and i mean we hung out afterwards we're at a bar and he's dressed like that and i just can't i'm like i i'm just like do you know what you look like right now my whole life you know

you look my dad popped his collar my entire life there wasn't a time in my life my dad didn't have his collar popped and we made so much fun of. And then here comes the early 2000s where kids are like popping their collars. And my dad goes, who do you think started that? Who do you think started it? Who do you think they got that from? And I'm sitting there going, I can't even argue this. Because now that is like a look. Yeah.

Your dad's got that athleisure that's what they call it now athleisure yeah that's it one of his friends from work uh when i was home for the funeral and just being back home he i remember she's like she was like you know they don't make them like your dad anymore she goes your dad could sit here and talk sports and and get into an argument and and and get fired up she goes and then all the ladies at work, she goes, if they all started talking about some kind of recipe, she goes, your dad's right there talking about the recipe and what he would do. And she was like, your dad wasn't a guy. She goes, your dad was a true gentleman. He really was. Now, granted, like I said,

we all have our negatives. Like your dad was a gentleman, but she goes, he could transition. I mean, my dad legit, you know, he was a voice or cared about the voiceless. He cared about people that needed help. I mean, my dad gave blood and plasma all the time. I mean, his, his whole life, I've known him to go and do that. I mean, we had to tell the blood center when he had passed away. I mean, they almost like, oh, that's like a coworker that's passed, passed away. Um, you know, I remember he would, uh, my brother was telling me this. He would tell kids in our neighborhood who had to wait on the school bus he goes he told them i don't ever lock my car he goes so if it's raining and it's cold and you're waiting on the bus he goes just sit in my car and i'm just like like never time now there's shit in your car my dad's car was broken into probably 30 times. So he just He would open the trunk. He loved tennis. He would open the trunk where he had some pretty decent rackets

and he goes, look, they didn't even take these rackets. He goes, they took maybe a dollar 25 and change on my license. I mean, my dad drove shit cars. He took pride in the fact that his car was a pile of shit. And he'd be like, who even breaks into this car? He goes, they took this. He goes, I won. I won. I still got the rackets. He's that kind of shit. And he'd be like, who even breaks into this car? He goes, they took this. He goes,

he goes, I won. I won. I still got the rackets. Like that, that he's that kind of person going back to like, did we ever have a sex talk? It wasn't my dad going, well, I'm not going to have a sex talk. I think my dad was embarrassed and wouldn't have known how to talk about it in, in general. But, you know, I, I have a little bit of that in me in terms of the emotionally opening up and saying how I feel about stuff. Like, I definitely probably get a little bit of that from his DNA where I just don is but i could do it in a heartbeat now because he's gone and it's it you realize how to ask questions about your mom suddenly you realize how to ask questions about him you realize what you should have celebrated about him to him you realize what all of the things just you just see the matrix suddenly you see all the fucking green numbers and you're like oh that's what i should have done or what i should have said and so not now let me ask you all the years not one thing what's the what's the one thing your father said about your mom that's that sticks

with you no matter what age i mean what is there's my dad would just tell stories about high school okay um so they were high school sweethearts they went all the way back yeah but it was never you know your mom your mom would do this or your mom would say this your mom would do that i remember i think i don't know what the answer would have been but i i there was a part of me that always wanted to just ask him hey do you do you think she would have thought i was funny do you think she would have laughed at this stuff that i do that's you know pretty r-rated like this cursing like i for a while thought well this angel probably would have been like you know that's for you right and then when i found out that she was more like that i was like she's she might have been like you're funny as like i might have had this i mean my dad i know more and whatever and pussies but whatever you know my dad i mean this is example my dad not

opened up i put out a show uh robbie on commie central it ended up being on youtube all the all the episodes and uh it came out in i think in may of 2020 it just got dumped on youtube because you know pandemic viacom fighter but a blah blah blah And, you know, all those episodes came out. I got to the funeral and my stepmother goes, your dad liked your show. And I was just like, you know, it hits you. Because there's so much of him in that show specifically that i chose like moments of things that were meant to be for him and about him to some degree and uh yeah uh she said oh she liked your show and i was like it only dawned on me right there i was like i didn't he never

told me about it like he had a he had some time to say hey i saw you don't hey, I saw it. You didn't even know if he watched it. I didn't even know if he watched it. She goes, oh, your dad liked your show. And then I remember getting a little bit angry. I wish I would have known that. And then the funeral, I mean, the amount of coworkers and friends who came up and they were like, your dad wouldn't shut up about your show. Some friends said, your dad called me every up about your show your dad he she he some friends said your dad called me every day and asked have you watched it yet and i had you know they would

just be like donnie i'll get to it when i get to when i get to it my dad me all right and then call the next day like well it drops at midnight yeah did you watch it did you watch it yeah you gotta watch it and i i you know someone tells you that and I, you go, I love that. I love that. But I wish, and my regret is like, why wish we had that space where my dad called me as opposed to that? The amount of friends in his life that are like, man, your dad doesn't shut up about you kids. up about you kids. If you told that to me and my, I'm one of seven kids. So me and my sister, and then I have five half siblings when he remarried. He had five more kids? He had five more kids. Holy shit.

They didn't stop. Catholic. Yeah. The Jim Gaffigan bit and we're like, five kids, Catholic. It is. But yeah, if you told that to any of us, we would all go, what are you even talking about? Right. Like our dad doesn't pick up the phone to just go, what's going on in your life?

How's it going? Like you call him or if he calls or my stepmother would call, oh, your dad wanted to talk to you. Just go, did you watch the game the other day? Blah, blah, blah. And you just go, why don't you just pick up the phone and call me and ask me this stuff? But then I realized, you know, i didn't do those things um either but that that's that's how he was when people were like your dad doesn't shut up about you guys we're all like i wish i could have felt that or no i wish i'd known that two days ago yeah you know so what second grade your dad remarries for

you yeah what is it like and and is this stepmom the same lady when they were together the whole time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So what is that like, having her come in? It was strange. It was a strange, I mean, I'm sure it was strange for her, too. You're talking about people who are in their late 20s, you know, because she's younger than my dad. So she was late.

And taking two kids. Late 20s and taking on two kids who are now uh third grade and second grade and they dated for i think two or three years maybe maybe more so it was there was like a slow transition of like oh we know who this person is but now she moves in and um yeah i mean they they had my next sister pretty soon like a year later i guess and then became a child making factory but uh yeah the the relationship uh uh is is fine i think it's a strange one given all of the circumstances and also my aunt who is still like you know very much we are still her kids in a way do you feel loyalty to her like yeah yeah for sure i think there's a loyalty to my aunt and then also trying to get

into this relationship with a stepmother who's in her late 20s and doesn't you know i i don't think they're i don't know that anyone in my family ever sort of clocked the trauma for what me and my son, I think they were just like, well, they're kids or they thought, well, you know, they'll be fine. Like we'll spoil them. I don't think people in my family and I'm, you know, I'm just as guilty probably with my daughter, but really clock, you know, the trauma that we're more aware of now. Like we're just more aware of mental health now and what it means and how you can, you know, be better for yourself and things that you should do. I mean, I've thought so long, like, yeah, we really should have seen a therapist or a psychologist to just get us talking about our feelings because I think I'd be a different person today. It's only today that I really, I mean, really dealing with the trauma of my mother's

death didn't really happen until my daughter was born. And I was like, oh, I'm in it now. And now I realize if you told me that I was going to die and I am looking at my daughter, like that's insane. I mean, that's like a genuine fear that I have because I've lived it. I have it. So I'm like, oh, if something happens to me, I know what that's like. And I wouldn't wish that on someone who spit in my face and told me they hate me. I would go, I still wouldn't wish you to know what this ever feels like. It's, it's too, it's just a big question mark. So is there any part of you as then as a child or even growing up that feels, cause I'm asking you this cause I did like a loser.

Like my mom's gone. Here goes aunt Connie. Now this lady's coming in. Do you ever feel like you don't have your feet under you and you're just like this you know yeah and then here come five other kids do you feel like a throwaway no i don't think that ever i think there's there's a little bit of that that that that comes and goes for sure i mean i love my my brothers and sisters so much and your dad did a really good job making you guys all inclusive. I think so. But I also think,

I'm sorry. No, go ahead. Was he, have you ever talked to your brothers and sisters? Was he the same way with them? So that's the thing because you gotta think and you can relate to this where you think to yourself,

you know, if I'm, you know, my daughter was born when I was 35. If I had another kid today and I'm 41, I'm like, well, I'm a different first year dad than I was when I was 35. And you got to think, my youngest brother, when my dad passed away, was I think 22. I think that's right.

I think he was 22, 21 or 22. And you just think him and my dad were like buddies right where we look back we're like what is that how is it like that and it's like well look at my dad's age i mean a certain point he's like it worked out for the others i'm gonna quit sitting here fucking worrying about it and just be like yeah you oh you don't want to go to do the thing that i said to do i don't fucking care you know i mean you're just a different person so i think we all probably got a different version of a dad but i i i've my sister and i've i've thought about it and she sort of presented this idea to me it was that you know what we didn't get was a dad who sort of aged

with us who understood like oh you're in your 30s now this is the, this is who I am to you at 30 or you're, you know, I, we all had fine relationships, but I think all seven of us are probably sitting here going, man, we're really, there's a, there's a big thing lacking or missing, uh, from our psychology of this relationship because, uh, um, because you, you, you kept having kids. You had to keep being a young dad to these young kids. Well, we're like, well, I'm 35 now, and I just had a kid. And it's like, my dad's like, well, my son's still in high school. You know what I mean? It's a weird space to be in and to connect on.

Yeah, he's going to fucking high school. Yeah. All right, so now tell me about your mom's parents were you close with them and and were you able to communicate better with them or were they sort of not open as as well i think it was a different i think we were in just different spaces i it's kind of shocking for them too i mean think about you're like oh our connection our liaison to our grandchildren is gone and so it's almost like you know they have to make a big effort to go hey we're going to come and pick up the kids we're going to spend time with the kids we're going to do stuff and they did they did all the time they really made it a point to do it and i they would obviously

talk about my mom what's all they have left of their child like forget about the liaison yeah you are what they have left of their own daughter forget about the liaison yeah you are what they have left of their own daughter and that's every fucking parent's nightmares to lose their child and now you guys are all they have left so did they stay local your whole life they stayed local they lived in my my hometown and you know they had they had three daughters my mom was their middle child and uh yeah i mean they would they would willingly show us stuff, pictures of our mom, talk about our mom. Did they have any videos where you heard a voice? No. No. I never, if that exists, I don't know where it is.

It's funny you said that a couple of Christmases ago, I went back to Baltimore, I was visiting some relatives and like, we found this VHS, you're not going to believe this. And they put it in my grandmother's on it. I immediately, I start crying. Of course. HHS, you're not going to believe this. And they put it in my grandmother's on it. I immediately, I start crying. Of course. And when I hear her voice, it's slightly higher pitch than I remembered it. Yeah. And it blew me away when I started for my first thought was, oh my God, she sounds a little different than my memory. But then I started thinking about it and I was like, I don't really hear my grandmother's voice. I hear my voice saying what she said in my head.

I've never really thought. And then I wondered, I wonder if my dad sounds like I remember my father sounding. And all that. I was like, man, it blew me away. It was really, it tripped me out a little bit. Yeah. Well, you must have stuff of your dad where you can hear. You know, video stuff.

He died in 89. And I think someone that might have a Vhs is also dead right yeah but there's old um we have real to real and it's um you know christmas videos where you don't hear anything and somebody's putting their hand on the face and i know that's right yeah chevy chase up in the fucking attic on christmas vacation that's what i have. That's right. I've watched it and I have that on DVD now too as well. It just sucks. You have all these people there

and this one woman who's not. Do you have a picture of your mom in your home? Yeah. Do you have one in your wallet? No, I have my phone. I kind of want to go back to that, though. I mean, these are my 10 choices. Yeah.

These are the people I love the most. I only got 10 sleeves. I got a couple tucked away behind this. I'm not presenting. Yeah, some doubles. They're in there in case I have a car accident. They're like, you were in there. You were in his wallet.

Everyone goes, trifold? What was it? It was the plastic that was cracked that one was cracked it's velcro it was a deaf-lovered velcro wallet it was brown too it was weird do you um oh do you have a picture of mom in your home sorry yeah yeah you do and do you talk to your daughter about her yeah i do i say that i tell her that's your grandmother and that's my mom. And my mom passed away when I was really young. Now you got a seven-year-old trying to comprehend, oh my God. Man, you want to go, like, I know this is a side thing, but our, you know, we rent a house. We rented a house in Los Angeles in Eagle Rock and our landlord lived in the back house and was like a grandfather to our daughter. And like, we love

this guy. I mean, never raised rent when the pandemic started. He asked me, you guys, okay, do you want me to change? I said, right now we're good. There's no need for you to not have what you need. We can, we're fine. Like just to check in like that and say, Hey, I know I'm your landlord, but what can we do? How can we make it work? And we really bonded, especially when the pandemic started. And he, on April 30th of 2020, he had a heart attack and he passed away. And I mean, this guy truly, you know, here we are in this pandemic, you've just taken my daughter at four years old, we've taken her out of preschool and said, you know, you're not going back. And I don't know

when you'll see any of those people again, or those kids who you were like playing with your friends. Um, and just, we were trying to make the best of it as we could. And then, you know, that's a month and a half into, Hey, everything shut down. And he had a heart attack. And I, I came back in the house. Uh, I got off the phone with someone at the hospital who, you know, the hospitals at that time, like didn't know what to do with COVID. And so I was like, they're like, he didn't make it. And they were like, I'm not legally supposed to even tell you this. You're not next of kin or anything.

And I was like, we live on his property. Can you just help me out? Like, where is he? Is he okay? And they were like, he didn't make it. And I double checked the name and the address and everything. And the guy's like, I'm really sorry to find out this way. We're slammed. I gotta get off the phone. I was like, okay, bye. And I hung up and I went inside and I just collapsed. I think my wife probably had a

better relationship with him than I did, but I, everything was just inside of me. It just exploded. relationship with him than i did but i everything was just inside of me it just exploded and i was just like i can't i was like i grew up in this it's like i don't want to tell her she's in bed you know this at night i was like tomorrow morning we have to explain to her that he died and then when she's four years old and my wife has been reading her this book called lifetimes that i was like babe put, what are we doing? Put that away. And she's like, it just talks about how bugs and animals and humans. I was like, it just starts prepping kids.

The fact that we got to that next morning, I was like, thank God you fucking read her that book. Because she will maybe be able to comprehend this because of that book. And so I remember having to tell her what had happened. And I'm crying. My wife is crying. And she is like, you can tell she doesn't know how to feel about it. It's so strange when someone tells you someone died. In the movies and TV shows, people are maybe like shattered.

But that's truly not real. There's almost a part of you that doesn't feel sad right away. Confusion first. You almost have to get to that. And it's not even like immediate, the shock. Sometimes anger before being upset. Yeah. But I say all that to say that when my dad died, she was down the street at her friends and we had said, you know, they were like, we'll keep her for the night. And so then the next morning she came back to the house and to sit her, I mean, to sit her down again, this fucking poor kid and just say, I know we were just here and I told you this. And I, I, my wife, we talked about it. I was like, I don't want her to think that everyone just dies. I was like, I don't want her to develop a thing of like, well, I better be careful about love because it's easier if everyone's going to die anyways. I was like, I don't want that to happen.

And to tell her, you know, you lost your grandfather and it's my dad and trying to explain, you know, it's a kid. They can't fully comprehend it anyways. But man, I'll tell you what crushed me so much. As an adult, and I've been through it a bunch like you, I still don't fully comprehend it. Yeah, exactly. And then it evolves and changes. And now i went through this as a kid and i have to try to explain this to a kid when i didn't even know what the

fuck that was i still don't know what the fuck that was i was 16 then yeah i'm 48 now there's a big difference yeah and i'm just trying to explain it to her i'm getting all kinds of fucking anxiety this is happening i know of course of course It's everywhere. It's fucking Dracula's goddamn biting at us. But yeah, to explain that to her, I think her and my dad would have had so much in common. The more she's like aged and who she is, like we play games and stuff and she shit talks. And I'm like, fuck, my dad would have loved that shit.

That's what I taught my daughter all the time. When she tells me shit, when I put something down, she'd just be like, ah, I wasn't too smart to do that was it as a kid you thought that was good huh that's my daughter does i'm like your grandfather would love yeah and they would gang up on me too you know yeah tell him stella yeah yeah shut the fuck up i just i just know it i'm like god there's so much of you in him like in how you respond and say stuff. That's got to feel a little good too, though. Yeah, it does. And there's also this part of me that, you know, you start to,

this is maybe sort of a full circle of this conversation, but there's this part of me that's like, well, my mom died on my first birthday. So I dedicate myself to going, you know what? I'm going to try to live this big life and do something extraordinary, whatever that is. And so here I am in the world of doing standup and acting and being like, well, there, that's a unique pursuit. And the fact that I've even been able to buy groceries off of it is already, that means I crossed the finish line in terms of getting to where I was trying to get to, no matter what happens after that. If you're supporting your family off of your talent,

then you are a successful professional. Yeah, to have a job you like. Insert title here, yeah. To have a job you like, that is the American dream. So I had that. And then when my dad passed away, I thought, I feel like I obviously had to leave to go. I moved to DC and then I moved to New York city and I moved to LA. And once he was gone, I was like, God,

I there's now this part of me. It's like, I feel like I left. I feel like, you know, if he's like, oh yeah, maybe I, maybe we would have really hit it off, me and your daughter, but you guys weren't here or I didn't see you. Well, that, yeah, but that's... But it's a thing that you just go, there's no winning to it. You look at it and you go, oh, I don't know how you get to have all of those things. But the other strange thing is that I go into stand up to, to have this extraordinary life as a dedication to my mother for the sacrifice she made, uh, only to have my dad pass away. And for me to realize, oh, I was only doing this to,

for you, I was doing this so that you would look so that you would go, wait, what did you say? Like, if I have this microphone and all these people are watching and the lights are pointing up here, then you're going to look up here and you'll, you'll hear what I'm saying. And I, I got to say to, obviously we're in a pandemic. I haven't been on stage very much, but it's not the same space for me anymore. What I do is now not the same space as what it once was, where I had this, this, you know, you're obviously trying to sell tickets and have an audience, but to be faced with the fact that you realize you just cared about one audience member the whole time really changes so much stuff in your mind

and your approach to how to care about the thing that you were doing as a dedication to your mother who died and then your dad dies to realize, oh, I was doing this for you. This wasn't for her at all. All right, two things. You have a new audience of one, your daughter now. Right. That's the person who matters that's watching you now. Yeah.

Which is what your dad would want anyway. If your dad was like, look, I'm done watching this fucking show. I'm going to give my ticket to somebody that's going to now yeah which is what your dad would want anyway if your dad was like look i'm done watching this fucking show i'm gonna give my ticket to somebody it's gonna be your daughter secondly actually three things because your dad did love what you did he just didn't tell you yeah like you wish he would have but everybody else fucking came over and told you and um also it's it's tough because i my mom didn't because my mom left our family, but your dad also made a sacrifice. Your dad was a single fucking dad with two kids for a minute, brought in Aunt Connie. She's putting on fucking, you know, what do you call it? Additional education, higher education on pause.

Yeah. And then you have a stepmom. And, I mean, I'm that was she was a good woman your dad brought her and trusted her around his kids and all that so your mom made the ultimate sacrifice but so did your dad your dad made a huge sacrifice as well so i think it's cool that you wanted him to see it i think he and he obviously did yeah yeah but now the space is different but you should change that fucking start painting a new painting for your daughter now yeah i i mean it it really it's funny you say i've started painting actually um painting actually i do it i do it every night every now and then i go to the garage i get high

pour some wine or a old-fashioned put on some some jazz and i just start fucking painting and it's if anyone is looking going i need something to release go paint it is so great and don't sit there and go was it good or bad no one fucking just paint and you'll get god this is fun and use your hands fucking finger paint get a brush smear shit it's so goddamn uh therapeutic but uh yeah it's it it really there's a good and bad to it to realize that you've been doing it all for this reason there's something that clicks for you to go well now there's this there's this other reason and i will say um and yes i i totally agree like well now there's your daughter and and this but i i will say it's now the first time that i've been like well what if uh you know what what

would you do if you're if you're your own audience then what would you do because before it really mattered this other person's thing but what does art become if it no longer matters to you about any other person and it's just what you think is funny and i won't lie i don't know when i'll hit hit the ground running and start doing spots all the time like i used to do and get on the road like i used to do but i am excited to see what it becomes i think it's going to be very painful and i think it's going to be very quiet for a lot of a lot of the time but i i think somewhere in there, talking about the painting, somewhere in there,

there is a painting I like, and I got to go through a lot of shit to find it. It's just like those fucking, think about when you do headshots. They'll take 80 of them. All you're looking for is one. I know.

I just need one that doesn't disgust me or my own fucking face. Please, I hope you got it in that pile over there. And they're like, well, this one where you're holding up your hand covering most of it. I'm that's the one that's it that's the one

i um it's funny you say that because you know i just recently was passed at the comedy store and for all these years 22 years i've wanted to make my dad proud, my gram. I've wanted the world to see my name on that building. And now that I have it, now, if I would have got it then, that's what I would have thought. And now all I care about is my daughter, my stepson, their kids seeing that on the wall. You know what I mean? So I was able to shift that, be like, you know what? And I keep – it's so funny. I keep listening to – want to i'm going

to manifest this i want joan jett on this podcast i love joan jett she's an oriole fan there aren't many of us left i'd love to sit down and talk to her we could go over an whole episode on that fucking shit squad but i say just say that i know i'm interrupting you but just saying that my dad was hardcore braves i was watching a soccer game at the soccer stadium, win the Braves, won the World Series. And I mean, I almost collapsed. And someone would have been like, you love the Braves. I mean, I like them. They've been like, what are you? You're pouring tears like you just pitched the last pitch to win the fucking game and you played for them your whole career and i've been like ah it's a long story to go into it but i remember the moment they threw that pitch and and they

just needed one more out i was just like fuck like it it it hit me hard and i just remember those the 90s watching the braves was i mean that what a team to cheer for in the 90s you know i keep listening to her song bad reputation and she, you're living in the past. It's a new generation. I'm like, yeah. And I get these – I see these questions, which I'm going to ask you about your 16-year-old self. But I just recently realized that when I see these things that say, think back to a time you were truly happy. My mind is trained to always go back to childhood.

Always. I'm always looking for it in there. Yeah. When I'm like, you're 48, dude, 15 years ago. Right. You know what I'm saying? Yes. Like 33, you could have been so fucking happy.

Why does your mind always go to 7 to 10? You know what i mean yeah and because i guess because before the shit show started i was i was happy like i feel like i had a good childhood up until death showed up was like guess what we're gonna fuck that all up yeah and it hits you i've told this story before but you'll i'm gonna tell you this because you'll get a kick out of this so it's a couple like thanksgivings ago before the pandemic or whatever. And I go in, it's actually Christmas and I'm always do a traditional thing. My grandmom was Italian. So we had the traditional foods and then we would have Italian options. So I'm going to get some shit to make some Italian food.

And I go up to, there's no one in line at the deli meat counter. So I'm like, while I'm here, I'm going to go order some cold cuts and I'm going to shop and I'll come to there's no one in line at the the deli meat counter so I'm like while I'm here I'm gonna go order some cold cuts and I'm gonna shop and I'll come back and grab them that's the move so this older lady comes out and she's got an Italian accent she's like what would you like and I'm like let me get some boars head low sodium number two cut it as thin as you can without shaving and she's like okay I'm gonna be right back i'm gonna grab a couple things and i'll come back she goes stay here talk to me i'm like okay and i start talking to her and she's she's asking me like what i'm doing i'm like i'm getting the italian food you know i start telling her that i didn't know until i started dating other girls and stuff and going to their homes that people didn't always have italian food because every fucking relative was italian like i'm an idiot i don't figure it out and yeah we're going back and she's telling me her her daughter's

dating this guy and this and that and um i go yeah you know it's the older generation i really just miss the older generation so much and um i'm talking to her all about my grandma i'm like every time i go there the smells and the smells yeah and um she gives me the ham and i'm like thank you so much and i go what's your name and she goes carmella and i go did you just say carmella she goes yeah i go that's my grandmom's name yeah and i get my credit card out because i named my business stella my daughter and carmella my grandmom yeah bro i'm crying at the belly meat. Of course you are. I'm like, look at this. Yeah. And I'm just, people like, wait, like, can I get some core beef?

I'm just having this fucking moment with this fucking lady hard, you know? Oh my God. Yeah. Thank you for making me stay. Thank you for talking to her. It's like the closest hello I'll ever fucking get from my grandma. You walk off, tears, snot. Is the next person funny enough to look at her and go, I'll have what he's having.

Like, are they funny? And also, is Carmella even getting that? Life is like that. Like, get the fuck out of here, asshole. Give me a half-pattern of rose beet. While you're telling that story, when you were telling that story, right at the moment where she said,

stay here and just talk to me for a second, that right i almost said to you i almost interrupted you to say i wonder if people know like that like there's angels among us but they are just us like because there's a moment where a guy is speeding off for getting away from you and you're like hold on one second where did you get those shoes yeah and that guy doesn't know he needs you to ask him that. Right. Right then. And that moment where her just saying,

stay here and talk to me. I bet you that is not all the time. It was the closest thing to a hug. Yeah. I'm ever going to fucking get. That's the kind of fucking thing

you put in a movie. You should write the time and go, this is a scene for a character in a thing. I'm openly weeping at the fucking deli counter and now everyone's there.

It's no one would I get there and now. Now everyone's there. It's no one. When I get there. And now there's six fucking people. She's by herself. You know, she's like, you got to move on. Son,

I'm not her. I'm not her. I'm not her, but I'm not. Put your card away. Pay at the register. I'm not her. I just bored.

I just bored for a second. oh dude thank you for coming on this has been a fucking great episode thank you for having me i appreciate this all right so before you plug again i ask everyone their first time on sometimes i forget i do forget sometimes yeah i forgot nick swartz and i forgot to ask we'll have to get him back to ask a 16 year old me but please after what we've talked about now knowing what what you were at going through at that age, what advice would you give 16-year-old Rory? I think I would tell myself to listen more and to genuinely listen, not the kind of listening that I still do actively, the kind of listening where you're just kind of thinking what you're going to say.

Because a lot of times our trigger is, oh, I got a good one. Yeah. So then you wait for your timing to get it in and you kind of miss some good shit. And I feel like I would be a different person today if instead of being so me, me, me at 16, which we all are, we're teenagers,

but I wish I was less me, me, me and 16, which we all are, we're teenagers, but I wish I was less me, me, me and more, well, you're talking, so I'm actually actively listen and ask you about you as opposed to waiting for that moment where I get to just talk about me and myself. I think as I get older, myself i think as i get older you just get so fucking tired of that you get so tired of of uh the the internal like i need people to know i mean i know the irony of saying it on a podcast where you just interviewed me about stuff about this show but you know what i mean where it's still there when you're not on a podcast and someone's like i didn't ask you about your dad bro it's like sorry i just i'll get some roast beef and some ham and turkey. As you shuffle off in your fucking Adidas slippers.

Exactly. But I would tell my 16-year-old self, listen more and don't be so afraid of adults. Don't look at adults as these mega authoritative figures and start to talk to them. I think if I didn't look at adults like that, there's a chance maybe I would open up to my dad much sooner. I think all of us did, though. We're a generation that was taught to fear and and shut up and listen and go over there and sit at the kids table and mind your business and yes you know it wasn't a very open time to have that so that's great yeah um plug whatever you'd like again please yeah uh

pen pals podcast um it's with Daniel Van Kirk and myself. We get letters from our listeners who write us about random shit, and we get into it. It's not so unlike this. We dive into the funny stuff. We dive into the real dramatic stuff as well. So I would say check that out and then physical on Apple TV+. And then hopefully at some point in 2022, I'll have some club dates coming. But I don't know when or where yet.

And that website back up. Get that website going. That's what I'm talking about. All right. As always, Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com. We'll talk to you all next week. Thank you.