The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Sarah Colonna - Missing Dew

Episode Date: May 10, 2021

My HoneyDew this week is Sarah Colonna! Sarah Highlights the Lowlights of a missing boyfriend, dating, and having to put down a pet. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! What’s your story? https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew Sponsors: MEUNDIES To get your 15% off your first order and free shipping go to MEUNDIES.COM/HONEYDEW EXPRESS VPN So if you’re like me and you believe your online activity is your business, secure yourself by visiting EXPRESSVPN.COM/HONEYDEW today. Use my exclusive link EXPRESSVPN.COM/HONEYDEW and you can get an extra three months FREE. That’s EXPRESSVPN.COM/HONEYDEW POLICY GENIUS Head to POLICYGENIUS.COM to get started right now. Policygenius. When it comes to insurance, it’s nice to get it right.

Hey, what's up, everybody? I just want to tell you real quick, I got the message today from Tom Segura asked me to do the Brea Improv with him this week. So starting Wednesday through Sunday, I'll be at the Brea Improv with Tom Segura. It's going to be a great time. If you're local, come out. We're going to have a lot of goddamn fun. All right. This episode of The Honeydew is brought to you by Policy Genius me undies and express vpn more on that later let's get into the do the honeydew with ryan sickler welcome back to the honeydew y'all we're over here doing it in the Night Pant Studios. I am Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all social media.

I just want to say thank you for your support. You guys send me so many messages every week, DMs, emails, all of it. I sincerely appreciate you guys. The community is growing and growing. Please subscribe to the YouTube. Let's get those numbers up over there. And if you want another episode a week, subscribe to the Patreon community. That thing is growing and growing.

There are so many wild fucking stories out there, and they're still coming. I got emails just sitting in wait where I'm like, Jesus Christ, we got to get this person on. It's five bucks a month. That's it. One flat fee. If you sign up for a year or more, you'll get over a month of free episodes. And if you or someone you know just has that fucking story that needs to be heard, please submit it at honeydewpodcast.gmail.com. All right. That's the biz. You guys know I record here at the Santa Monica Music Center. Unfortunately, as you know,

been closed down for quite some time, but they are still offering online music lessons. You can still come in and get music instruments or get your instruments served, purchase whatever you want. If you go to SantaMonicaMusic.com, use the code HONEYDOO, they'll waive the registration fee and they will give you one free lesson when you sign up for a package. That's it. All right. Now, you know what we do here. We highlight the low lights. We shine a little light in that darkness and laugh in the face of trauma. We're over here doing things and solving problems. I'm very excited for this guest over here. First time on The Honeydew, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Sarah Colon, everybody. Welcome to The Honeydew, Sarah. Thank you, Ryan. Thank you. Thank you for being here. Nice introduction.

I appreciate that. Thank you. I haven't heard an applause in a long time. I know, right? Clap for yourself, girl. Before we get into what we're going to talk about today, will you please plug, promote everything you'd like? Yes. Obviously, tour dates are who knows right now. Some are scheduled.

Some are not. Some are canceled. Some may happen. some are not. Some are canceled, some are not. Some may happen, some may not. So you can keep an eye on those on sarahcolonna.com C-O-L-L-O-N-N-A dot com and also has the links to both my books, which you can buy

through my website and they're on Amazon and you can binge two seasons of Insatiable on Netflix or the last two seasons of Shameless that I was on. That's fun for everybody. That's awesome. Two seasons of Insatiable on Netflix were the last two seasons of Shameless that I was on. Yeah. That's fun for everybody. That's awesome.

If you're not leaving the house, you can read or watch TV. That's it. There you go. So I'm interested to talk to you about this because you are a guest who has more of a story than a life story we're going to talk about today. But first, where are you from originally? I grew up in Arkansas. Oh, wow. Okay, Arkansas. Far grew up in Arkansas. Oh, wow. Okay. Arkansas. Farmington, Arkansas. And you say grow up. So how long were you there? I was there

from five years old until I graduated college, until I was 21. Did you go to University of Arkansas as well? I did. Yeah. You're a Razorback? I sure am. Oh, shit. All right. I had a plastic hog hat and everything. Who was a premier athlete when you were there? Like who'd you go? Did you go to games or anything? Scotty Thurman. Okay. He was a basketball player, Corliss Williamson. I didn't pay enough attention to football at the time.

Yeah, you did have good basketball. Yeah. They won the championship when I was, I think it was like 94. Okay. Were you there? I wasn't, but I was on Dixon Street afterwards where everyone put on their hog hats and then they gave out public intoxications. Those are a nice thing in the South.

They like to give you just for walking from bar to bar. Here you go. And I remember when I didn't get one, but a friend of mine did, and when they went to court, the judge fined him the score of the game. So whatever the score of the game was. That was the payment for the fine? That's great. Yeah, yeah.

So it was like, we're celebrating, but also you still have to pay. Let's keep it low score. Yeah, yeah. Very Arkansas thing to do. So I'm interested to hear about this story because I know it involves pets, but some other things as well, which caught

me off guard. I was like, whoa, all right, shut up and don't say anymore. So please share away. Well, so when I moved out to California in 96, right after college, and I was living with my dad. He lived in Orange County at the time, kind of scraping money together to move up here. Did you come here to be a comedian? Yes.

You did, okay. Acting, comedian, writing. I didn't know how it would all go together, but I wanted to do it. And stand-up in Arkansas wasn't a thing at the time. Not where I grew up. Is there a club there at all right now? I don't even think there is in Fayetteville still.

There's more of a performance place, and sometimes they do shows there. But they don't really have any dedicated and then they for sure didn't they didn't have any open mics there wasn't anything so i really didn't know how to um get into it i just i started out here which is kind of a weird place to start stand up yeah it is i did too yeah yeah um so i started going to in it was 97 i started going to an improv class um which i quickly realized that was not my thing yeah it's not the same thing people think it's it's not and i went to the con the the comedy

connection is that it yes yeah yeah so that was um a class that i met this guy and we started dating i thought we were dating we never had sex and okay so let's can we talk about that a little bit because i'm a guy who has had sex with a girl before you have yeah i have a couple i've been lucky and uh i've also thought well yeah we had sex but we're not dating right you know what i mean and where she's like no no we had sex, but we're not dating. Right. You know what I mean? And where she's like, no, no, no, we had sex. We're dating. Right. I'm like, well, both of us fucked up because we should have had this conversation before I put anything inside you.

Right. Yeah. So what makes you dating, but you're not sexually intimate? And that was what was confusing probably because I had had sex before that. And sometimes with people I didn't ever care to see again or date. But this person and I were – I was very – I was a little slutty in my early days if anyone needs to know. If anyone needs to know. If anyone needs me to clarify that. I got it all out early.

Wait, can I ask you – can we talk about that for a second? What is slutty? What do you – because here's Because people ask me all the time, and I say, look, I know it's a double standard, but to me, if a woman lost her virginity at 18, let's say, and let's say she's 36 and she's not married, but she's only had two partners a year, just dated two guys a year, I don't think that's promiscuous. I don't think that's slutty. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

But after 18 years, times two equals 36 partners. You know what I mean? And some people have had some better years than just two. You know what I'm saying? There's been slow years. There's been good years. Some dry spells. And I've hit on a few.

So what makes it slutty? I don't know. I mean, I hate to use the term slutty because I wouldn't shame anyone, obviously. But I would just say there were – It's okay to shame the shits. I mean, shame the sluts. I'm one of them. You can shame me.

Yes, male and female all around. It takes two, yeah. But there was – yeah. I don't know if I would say numbers that I would – I don't know. Don't put numbers on it. No, let's not do that. Also, I don't ask women anymore how many partners you've been with. I've learned because I feel like when you're going like this, I'm like, she's counting by fives.

Yeah. She is counting by fives. I do tens, 10, 20. I'm decades. I'm like 70s, 80s. Yeah, I don't know. I just know that there was – Promiscuous, fast.

What do you mean slutty? Probably promiscuous. Probably – How old were you when you lost your virginity? Well, I was 16. Okay. But I was also in Farmington, Arkansas, and there wasn't anything else to do. And I think I was – honestly, in my class, I was one of the last.

Last at 16. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So I was definitely – So you were like, I need to step my slut game up. I was like, I guess – I need a kid next year.

I guess I'm – yeah, I came out here. I don't know. There was maybe mixed with just having a few too many cocktails on my nights out and not really knowing anyone and then being like, oh, I guess I'll hang out with that guy. And, well, he wants to hang out at home tonight in his apartment. So I guess that's where we're going. So it was just a little more free with my time. Gotcha. But this guy was different. Yeah. And I think that's the thing that strikes me the most about this story, because he, he and I spent so much time together right off the bat. I didn't know him well. He had moved here from Florida.

He was from Chicago, but he moved here from Florida, and I met him in this class. How old were you guys at the time? I was 20. It was 97, so I was 22. I wasn't 23 yet, and he was, I believe, 24. Okay, so same age. Yeah, and we just started. I didn't know many people here, obviously.

And we just started hanging out all the time. I mean, days, nights, lunch, after class, shopping together. I spent a lot of time with this person that I didn't know very well. And so I hadn't really been in that situation because it usually takes me a little bit longer to warm up to people unless I'm just going to have a one-night stand. Then it's like – Isn't it crazy how much different – it is so weird. Like I'll fuck you, but I like you. Yeah.

I'm all right waiting. I'm all right. Yeah, I'm going to take my time. But we – I spent the night with them a couple times, but we didn't have sex and we made out. Did you make out? Okay. So you at least had some intimacy. It wasn't like just we're best friends.

Right. Okay. But in retrospect, sometimes I look back and I'm like, maybe he just thought we were best friends and then sort of pity made out with me or something. I don't know. And then I started wondering if he was gay because sometimes I would just be be like well obviously if somebody doesn't want to fuck me he's gay isn't it wonderful couldn't have anything to do with my shitty haircut and the fact that i smoked marble reds it's definitely not me it's definitely not me

but when he would make out with me i was like this feels like a straight person It's definitely not me. It's definitely not me. But when he would make out with me, I was like, this feels like a straight person, you know, making out with me. Not that I actually know the difference. I was going to say, have you made out with gay guys and you know the diff? I guess I did once in college. And the passion just wasn't there. Yeah, but I didn't know. Again, I didn't know he was gay at the time. And I'm not sure he did either.

But it felt like a regular kiss. I mean, who knows? But this guy – yeah, we spent a lot of time together. So one night, we go out to see someone at the improv, the Hollywood Improv, and do stand-up. Now, are you doing stand-up at this point yet? I hadn't gotten on stage yet as a stand-up. I had friends that were doing it. gotten on stage yet as a stand-up. I had friends that were doing it. I was still just trying.

I was still in the improv class, and I still hadn't figured out how to sort of – I hadn't done an open mic or anything yet. But I had friends that were doing stand-up that I'd met either at restaurants and working in bars and then these classes. So we go to see someone at the Hollywood Improv. And this guy, so he didn't drink. And he wasn't sober because of anything. He never had a drop in his life. But he was really fun. Who knew? It can be fun without alcohol.

Yeah, you guys, it's true. It's true. Yeah. The rumors are true. The rumors. So after the show that we saw, I wanted to go out for drinks with some friends, my friend that had just gotten off stage. So I said, we're all going to go out. And he had a friend with him who had had a couple drinks.

And he said, I'm not going to – I don't feel like going out. I'm just going to drive my friend Mark, I think was his name, home. And I was like, okay. Are you sure you don't want to just come out? And he's like, eh, probably. You're going to be annoying, I think was probably his take. So he's going to stay in but then later drive a drunk friend home? Is that what he's going to be, a DD for somebody?

I think, yeah. Well, no, he didn't. He was like, we were going out, and he said, I'm bailing. I'm going home. Okay. And I'm going to take my friend that's had a couple drinks with me. So he had someone with him. So cut to the next day. We were supposed to go to lunch and um i'm calling

him and calling him and and he's not answering and i'm like this is so strange he usually you know especially i was calling him kind of consistently at this point because he hadn't showed up and that was not like him and it was just very strange. How long had you known each other at this point? A few months? Probably only two and a half months. Okay. Yeah, which again, that's why it was so odd how much time we spent together. But again, neither of us knew many other people either, so maybe it's not that odd.

But it was strange for him to not be calling me back. So we were supposed to hang out again. So I'm calling him and calling him. And I'm thinking like, did I piss him off last night because I went out? But no, he – it was just let's either go out or not. And he just wanted to go home and he didn't seem upset. Well, finally, his roommate called me. And he was like, oh, hey, I see that you've been calling Neil. And I said, yeah, what's going on? And he was like, well, hey, I see that you've been calling Neil. And I said, yeah, what's going on? And he was like, well, he was in an accident last night.

Taking him home, the same guy you're talking to? No, no. He was taking his friend home, but this was his roommate. It wasn't the same person. And I said, all right, where is he? I'll go visit him. And he said, well, no, he didn't make it. No. And neither did the I'll go visit him. And he said, well, no, he didn't make it. No.

And neither did the guy that was with him. Oh, no. Both of them. Yeah. On Laurel Canyon Boulevard, which, you know, not that anyone. In the Windy Canyon Road. Windy Canyon Road. And of all things for this guy to be hit by a drunk driver.

Never had a drop of alcohol in his life. Yeah. Drunk driver killed two people. Oh, and the driver lived? Mm-hmm. Fuck. Yeah. Actually, before I came here, I was so – I'd sort of just never looked up the person that

hit him since then at least. And he's – I found – he lives – he's just – he's fine. I mean, again, he made a horrible mistake obviously and he's in his 40s now. I don't know. But he's still – he seems to be out and about. So I don't know what happened with his like prison sentence or how long. Did he go to prison? I don't know.

I don't know anything. I couldn't find anything. And I feel like at that time it was harder to sort of follow up in 97 on cases. And it's not all over Instagram and Twitter. You got Michael Fisch and everything. Yeah, yeah. It's just a little. What is that like? What is it like to – not only did you really like this guy,

like you were probably one of the last – definitely one of the last people he saw. Yeah, and I just was like, God, if he just would have gone with us. In this weird way, it's like he just would have gone with us in you know in this weird way it's like if you would have if he would have gone with us if i could have convinced him so i sort of i felt guilty you know you did yeah i felt guilty even though i mean you could have pushed more to get him to go with you yeah but also what a weird thing to feel you know like oh i should have made you go out to drinks with me. Right. But there's just that what if. Oh, if you had, then you wouldn't have driven home at this particular time.

Or if we'd have asked you one more time, is that 10 seconds long enough for that drunk driver to get by you? Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I know. You could do that. Yeah.

I hadn't thought about that before, but now I will. Sorry. that before but now now i will i hadn't really gone by the 10 seconds thing but jesus christ timing is everything as you know now yeah you definitely man that's strange did you go to the funeral and stuff or i didn't so he had only been here for about the same amount of time that I knew him. This is every parent's worst nightmare. It is. Their kid moves to – It is. And that's what my mom said to me.

So there was this – I worked at this restaurant called Mirabelle at the time and I had a friend. Oh, I know. It was one at the Grove and there was one in Sherman Oaks, right? This was on Sunset. Okay. So it was like right next door to Red Rock. I don't know if you remember that bar. Yeah, of course. One of the best stand-up shows back in the day Okay. So it was like right next door to Red Rock. I don't know if you remember that bar.

Yeah, of course. One of the best stand-up shows back in the day. Yeah, it was. Had a lot of blackouts at Red Rock, unfortunately, in my 20s. But that – yeah, that was – a friend of mine closed down Mirabelle. He was the bartender that night. And on his way home, he saw the accident because I started telling him about it the next day. And he's like, I passed by.

I passed by that. Because he lived in Studio City. He was going home. I'm giving a lot of logistics that your audience is like, could she please quit talking about bullhards? No, please. It's specific. You can look this Google map. So he had seen it, which I just thought was strange.

It was like one of my closest friends was like, I saw it. Not everything, but it was closed down and he had to go around it and blah, blah, blah. And then I called my mom because I was very close to her. I am very close to her. And I said, I told her what happened. And she said, you know, this is what you said, every parent's worst nightmare. This guy just moved out to california pursuing his dreams and he's doing the right thing yeah he's sober and doing a solid by taking a friend

home yeah to make sure that person's okay yeah and then they both die yeah fuck from someone else not doing the right thing who's still alive yeah and on facebook yeah yeah i mean man yeah it's very it was uh it was just so and then i start i kind of i'm not very i'm not like a religious or spiritual person very much but i i thought oh this is why i spent so much time with this person was because i was only gonna have that much amount of time you know and so cut to i so i didn't go to his funeral because I think his family brought him back to Chicago where he was from. Now at the time that he passed away, I was taking care of – he had two cats and his roommate that he had at the time was allergic or something. So I had his two cats in my house. So now he's dead and I've got two cats.

And what is that weird as fuck? Like you have this guy's cats. Yeah, who I barely know. And can I ask you after this, does anything change for you? Do you drink more? Do you become more antisocial? Does does anything happen are you freaked out by this i became a little more anti-social i became more guarded with spending time with people really close to people especially so quickly yeah you're just gonna leave anyway and it was one of the few

times that i had sort of bonded with someone that quickly so i well, that's not worth it. I've got friends I've known for a long time. I'll just stick with them. Was this the first significant death that you were close to in your life? Yeah. It was. Yeah, there's a lot that goes into that. Yeah. And especially someone young, someone so young. Very young, yeah. And then a couple weeks after it happened, I got a letter, and I honestly don't know how this person got my address to

this day. I don't know if his roommate somehow had it and passed it on, but I got a letter from a girl who said, hi, I was Neil's girlfriend until a few days ago days ago yeah did she know about you she knew that we were friends um and so i think she wanted to reach out to me i'm really trying to remember how she got my address oh i know what it was i got his

I'm really trying to remember how she got my address. Oh, I know what it was. I got his mom's address from his roommate. And I sent her a letter after speaking to my mom. I sent her a letter. Sorry, this has been a while. It's okay. No, I got his mom's address after I spoke to my mom from his roommate. And I just sent her a letter very – I didn't say I was his girlfriend.

I didn't say he didn't have sex with me, so maybe he was gay. I didn't say I was his girlfriend. I didn't say he didn't have sex with me, so maybe he was gay. I didn't say anything like that. That was in my initial letter, not my revival. Not in my final draft. Let me cut the postscript off of this piece of paper. Final draft. A little lighter. I said, I just want you to know that in the short time Neil was here, he had an impact on several people, including myself.

We spent a lot of time together. He was wonderful. He was driving a friend home that night. Last I saw him, he was smiling and laughing. I didn't even know if this was appropriate, but my mom told me that it would be. I would love that. I mean, it would crush me, but it would be i would love i would i mean it would crush me but it'll be one of those things i'd be so happy someone sent me yeah good i think so it definitely would like you saw my child right before they passed and they were happy and not you

know and they were going home doing the right thing my kid's not drinking and driving and doing something fucking stupid you know like the other asshole is yeah yeah which um you know i'm sure she knew most of that by this time but i just kind of wanted to give her and you know and i said i wasn't the only friend he made in this class and i know it's the first class he took out here and he really impacted you know a lot of people in there and i also think for not only any parent but especially for a mom who raised a son in today's world as much as guys are fucking pieces of shit and can be um to hear that your son was a gentleman and a happy person and was good to you and stuff i think that's that that's the stuff that mom will remember forever yeah yeah for sure, for sure. I think so, too. I mean, I think it, you know, hopefully it helped her somehow.

And she shared that letter with his girlfriend. That's how she got my address now that I put it together. She's like, you might want to look into this bitch. Remember when you were

not spending time with him? You might want to look into this letter. So she contacted you, huh? So she wrote me and said, Neal's mom got your letter. It meant a lot to her. And she introduced herself by, hi, this is my name. And I was Neal's girlfriend up until a couple weeks ago.

She really wrote that? Yeah. That's not necessary, right? Well. Is it? I think she probably thought that he wasn't – I mean, again, I guess we never had – Does she mean up until a couple weeks ago because he died? Yes.

Or up until a couple weeks ago because she realized you were in the picture? No, she meant – That's when he passed. Yeah, the way it was worded was that it was because – He's dead. Yeah. Not because – So we broke up. Yeah, so it's all right. Hard because – He's dead. Yeah. Not because – So we broke up.

Yeah. So it's all right. Hard to – That's what I'm saying. It's a weird thing to say. No, it is. He's died. So we broke up.

But – Now that you say it, it was very oddly worded. And you said it a few times. I know it's written in there and you remember it. I remember it very distinctly. And especially since I thought, well, I've never heard of this person, but she had heard of me. So he had told her that he had a friend that was a girl. He probably didn't tell her that we had a couple of makeout sessions or whatever.

But yeah, he had told her about me. And so she said, I know that you have his cats. I know that you have his cats. And she's in Florida. And she said, so if you want to send them to me. I was like, how am I going to send a cat to Florida? I don't know. There's two of them. I didn't even know how this was possible to try to get a cat to her.

It just seemed like a lot more work than it would be worth. And I said, it's fine. I'll just keep the cats. It's like kind of all I wrote her back. I didn't really know what else to say other than, I guess, congratulations on being his girlfriend and he didn't fully cheat on you. So that's good. So it was just a strange sort of culmination of events to find out that he also had, he'd never mentioned her to me and you know it is what it is obviously but it just seemed very strange to me and did you ever hear from her again no no i just said i wrote her back and i said thanks for the offer i'm fine to keep them if if everybody unless his family wants them or something and i think everybody was like no they're fucking cats nobody Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He was very attached to those cats, so at least he didn't live long enough to see me let one get murdered. Him and one cat are down. You're like a little bit of a cooler, I feel like. John better be careful, man. You know what?

One time I had sex with a guy who— Listen, I don't know what you're about to say, but coming off the heels of what we're talking about, for you to say, you know what, one time I had sex with a guy, I can't wait to hear it. He went missing the next day. Nuh-uh. Missing? Well, it turns out he got run over by a bulldozer. got run over by a bulldozer listen i don't know anyone who knows someone that got run over by a bulldozer you died yeah well no because they seem pretty slow like you could get away from a bulldozer

yeah oh yeah um so people he was croatian and there was like rumors that maybe it was a hit none of it made any sense. I mean, again, I'm just – Hold on. All right. We're not just going to gloss over this. Okay. How do you meet this guy?

I worked with him at a bar. And then you just go home. You have sex. Yeah. We worked together for several months and then one night we just hooked up. The next day he's gone. So he left that night. Yeah.

And then he went – So if he just would have stayed a little longer. This motherfucker might not be Deb Vio Bulldozer. I mean, what a way to die. I got to start making people stay around longer. John, stay put, motherfucker. Stay put. So if you think, oh, you want to leave?

Well, you're going to die. You're going to die, bro. Yeah. He also worked at a construction site, and then they said he had a terrible accident, and he was run over by a bulldozer. That does sound shady. It sounds shady, right? I don't care if you're the first day on a detective case.

I'm like, let's look into this. Did the guy not have legs? Like, how did he get run over by a bulldozer? It seems on both ends that the bulldozer could have been like, hey, move. I mean, unless the bucket dropped and hit him on the fucking head and knocked him. But you would see that. He wouldn't just go missing. Yeah, these were the...

Who runs over somebody and then doesn't know where the fuck they are for a day? Nobody said move the bulldozer. I mean, the details were very shady coming in on this story. to bulldozer i mean this the details were very shady coming in on this story and believe me once as shady as they were i was like i'm not gonna ask any more questions because i don't want to i don't want to be next no you ask questions about a dui accident you don't ask questions about a missing person no bulldozer no and you just go between them and them yeah so but there's a little bit of a history of me. Yeah, sounds like it. Maybe.

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So you take this guy's cats. One gets out and dies. One gets out. And you still have a cat. Yeah. Still got a cat. And how long do you have that cat? 16 years.

Holy fuck. From that point, 16 years? Yeah. So wait, 97, 2007. 2013. Talking about seven, eight years ago? Yeah, 2007, 13. Damn, you did a real solid for that cat.

I did. I did. And we became very close. I knew him and was much closer to that. What's the cat's name? Mischief. Was it always Mischief or did you change it? It was Mischief.

It came Mischief and the one that went to the coyotes, I believe, was Malky. I remember that cat's name too. But mischief was this cat. A slow cat. A slow lay over there you got. Maybe Malky got run over by a bulldozer. Yeah, he did. You can look into these things.

So you had this cat for 16. How old was it when you got it? A couple years? I guess. That's a long time. I wasn't positive, but I think he said he was around a year or so. So yeah, cats, they really cling on for a while or can. And this one, he went – it was like I went from my one-bedroom apartment at the time with a roommate to a different apartment.

I mean this cat lives in five apartments. And then finally in 2013, when I had to put him down, I was living by myself. And I had just broken up with someone that I'd been with for five years. It was basically my only really long-term relationship before I got married. I mean, long-term meaning we lived together and it seemed like maybe it was gonna go into marriage. But then when we moved in, I wanted, long term, meaning we live together, and it seemed like maybe it was going

to go into marriage. But then when we moved in, I wanted to get married, I thought and then when we and he was very much dragging his feet. And then when we moved in together, that's when I was like, Oh, I hate this person. I hate this person. I don't want to marry him. I don't even want to live with them. I know some people have different feelings about if you should live with someone first. But if you can, I definitely recommend it because that's when you really find out. Like that's how you brush your teeth? Yeah. It's all that little bullshit.

It's all that little bullshit that drives you nuts. I remember one time he got hurt and he had Vicodin and he was just like complaining about the pain. And I was just like, I just wanted to stuff all the Vicodin. And maybe some into mine and just like this is – why are you complaining? I mean, the guy's knee was broken or something. I mean, it was not – you know, he had a reason to complain. But things like that really drive you crazy, someone. And we – our breakup was – it was kind of shit. I mean, I was always over it before

we broke up. So it was a little bit easier for me, but he was the person that sort of went to, oh no, maybe I should have treated you differently. And so then he kind of dragged out the breakup. And just by the time it was finally over, I was so relieved. And I was working. I was working on Chelsea lately at the time. So I had a full-time writing job. And that kind of came between us because he had been the more successful one. I was always the bartender and he was successful. And then when things changed a little bit, his attitude towards me changed, wasn't very supportive. bit, his attitude towards me changed, wasn't very supportive. So by the time, the point being, by the time we broke up, I just was so relieved to be alone, to be single. I didn't feel like I needed anybody. It wasn't a chip on my shoulder. I just was like, this, who cares if I ever meet

someone, this is fine. I can do this all on my own it doesn't matter but then when my cat got sick you're things like that i don't know i don't if it depends on how you feel about pets but i feel like when we're all animal people yeah yeah we are for sure you know i mean 16 years too or whatever and the way you got the cat like there's a whole thing that that goes in there it's not the cat. Like there's a whole thing that goes in there. It's not like you went and just rescued this cat from fucking a shelter. Like this is a cat that came because someone died. Yeah, and it felt a little bit sort of like, oh, this is – there's zero connection to this person anymore even though I never – it's not like I really thought about him often or wrote his mom anymore or anything. But it was just his, it was, it was something I kind of took care of for him. The only thing I knew that I could do, maybe it was like making up for letting him go home that night. I don't know.

But I was very close to this animal. And so when I had, when I found out he was sick, it's the same as probably most people. You find out how to keep them comfortable. You definitely don't want it to go on too long. There's all these things go into it. But at first, it seemed fine. It was okay. His kidneys were failing, but they can go on a long time. You just have to give them a little fluid and they're comfortable and all this stuff. And I thought, well, that's not a big deal. I got home from this thing that they give me that you have to – it was a fluid thing. You have to get like an IV bag and a fluid and inject them with a little – and a shot and all this stuff. And I'm looking at it and I'm like, oh, this is a two-person job.

That guy shouldn't die and he can help me. You got to hold a cat and try to do it. Yeah. You got to – I'm like, oh, you got to hold – like I don't think there's ever – I can even picture it sometimes. I mean I had to take the IV bag, hang it on a hanger,

and hang that on a closet, wrestle the cat, and get it in. And then once the fluid was in, he was happy and fine and all was good. But the process of it – Sure, yeah. It just looked like a sad single cat lady movie that you would fucking write in a second. It just seemed so, so sad. And that went on for a little while. It didn't go on too long because it went on until they told me the signs or whatever. But it was hard.

And then I was doing a lot of traveling for standup, so I would leave town. And then I would feel super guilty that I left this animal that I promised someone I would take care of forever at home while he was kind of not feeling well. And then it became, well, I had to put him in a vet when I was gone, just so they could keep an eye on him in case he needed more fluids. And it just became like caring for like an elderly parent or something. It just felt very shitty and awful. And then when he – it was time to put him down, I had the vet come to the house. That's nice.

Yeah. I mean it seems like common practice for the most part now. But I think it's probably like a little costly. So it's not as easy to do for everyone. But it's definitely – it made it easier because I had friends over and we all kind of said goodbye to him. And I swear to God, when they put him down, I looked down and I saw a tear coming out of his eye.

No. Yeah. And then I realized, well, no, cats don't cry. That's just – it was my own fucking tear that fell on it. You're crying on the cat. They're laying right here. Sarah. Your tear is running down the cat's crying crying for Christ's sake.

That's so good. So sad. It's so goddamn funny. So fucking pathetic. I was like, oh my God, he feels it too. And then I was like, oh no, that's definitely one. That's for sure one of mine. Yeah. that's definitely one that's for sure one of mine uh yeah and then i i i had to put him down and i just feel like that was um it was sort of a weird full circle moment but it was also one of those

moments of this is it would be nice to have somebody by your side it's like i felt that again even though i had this in my head of like you don't need that and and luckily i had my friends it's not as if i didn't have anyone there but the daily struggle of having a iv hanging from a fucking cabinet and you know trying to wrestle an animal and it just sort of felt like a weird closure with what happened to him but what happened with the cat yeah i mean it's a long book yeah it's a long book to write 16 17 years let me ask you this when it comes to because you're literally being your hospice care for the fucking cat do you start to have any feelings afterwards like look honestly i'm glad the cat's in a better place i don't have to do this shit anymore with this whole thing and then the guilt that comes along with feeling better

about hey everything is the way it should be and this cat's in a better place a hundred percent there's there's did i let it go on too long and then there's oh the one time i went out of town and then the vet called and said he didn't feel good. And I felt like, oh, was I the shittiest person in the world to, you know, go out of town even though it was for work and leave him somewhere else? Because I remember that night I came home when I picked him up from the vet and – because he had a little – he just wasn't feeling that well there. And they let me know. But he was still okay. And I remember that night I came home and he just like laid on my chest and slept there. And he usually ran around in like open cabinets all night. He was a real fucking asshole.

But he just slept on my chest and just basically stared at me. Didn't cry. He didn't cry because they don't. But he stared right at me all night and just laid there and purred. And I was like, this guy is like, please don't go out of town anymore. Please don't leave. You know, don't let me go. Don't make me go in another place. Or maybe he was like, please kill me. Please.

Please do this. Kill me. Come on, lady. Get it together. Let's just shit together and figure this out. Yeah. I mean, he was like a big personality in my life, which is sometimes, again, feels so weird to say, but it was a long journey.

So I definitely felt guilty. Like I did, I let it go on too long or, um, and then when I would feel relieved when I would go out of town and after 16 years of having to think who's going to feed him, where is he going to go? Do I don't have to hook him an IV up to him and look like the most pathetic person in the world anymore, the relief makes you feel like shit for sure. Yeah, it does, doesn't it? Doesn't the thing that should make you feel good makes you feel like fucking shit? Yeah.

Yeah. Because you feel like you shouldn't have any satisfaction out of it. No goodness could become of this. Yeah. Yeah. And then that's it. I didn't have him anymore, but I just – it made me realize – it did make me realize that I wouldn't mind sharing my life with someone if that's – it's a strange thing to come across from having to put an animal down. Why did you – what made you come to that?

Well, part of it was the fact that I realized it would have been nice to have someone there when I was going through it and when he was going through it and and and helped me make the decision instead of just my friends maybe someone that was there every day um and also this is gonna sound really stupid but I'm really sad that my husband never got to meet my cat that doesn't sound stupid I'm with you on that shit I'm sentimental as fuck yeah yeah because i mean there was a time i met him uh probably six months five months after i had to put him down oh whoa okay it's very soon yeah and i and i mean there was like one night i woke up in the middle of the night crying about the cat and he was just like whoa this is this you're i was thinking about forever, but... You're real close to this fucking cat, hey? Real close to this quasi-ex-boyfriend's cat here.

Don't leave the bed. You never know what's going to happen to you. I hear a bulldozer coming. I can't get over that one. I wish we could look into that story. I know. I'm too afraid to Google it now because I don't... Somebody out there, Google that damn story. I want to know what happened to that one. I wish we could look into that story. I know. I'm too afraid to Google it now because I don't... Somebody out there, Google that damn story. I want to know what happened to that

guy. So did you get another pet after that? I haven't. You haven't? No. And is it because you don't want to go through that again? Yeah. Is it really? It is. But is it the loss of the pet you don't want to go through again or all of it? The maintenance, the, hey, I'm back on the road, someone's got to take care of it. If it gets sick, this has to happen. Or was it the loss? It's a little bit of both, but it's mostly the loss. Because I know that I'm in a position to have someone take care of my cat or a dog when I'm out of town.

I'm in a position to take it to a boarding. But everyone is. We can all figure it out. And I'm sure that it would be nicer to rescue an animal than just be selfish and not want to have to put one down but it it it just feels um weird like i'm betraying him or something it's really fun that's not pathetic i get it i do get it yeah so we haven't and and my husband's not a huge he loves animals but he is very, he travels a lot for work too. And he's out of town like half the month, half the year.

So he's just like, how, how would we do this? And so I haven't, but a lot of it is my own, just like, oh, and then I just had a friend had to go through and put her dog down. And I'm like, oh God, I just know the pain and the, it's just the worst feeling in the world. And I'm like, I don't want to put myself through that again. So when you had to put your cat down or someone else's cat that became your cat down, did that death and dying and just final moment bring back the feelings that you felt when he passed away? Yeah, it definitely did. And it made me, I felt like kind of relieved in a sense of, you know,

if there's any sort of spiritual thing where they get to hang out or whatever. They're running around the field together. Or the rainbow bridge or whatever they run around. But also just felt like, okay, I did, I took care. I, you know, it was, because he said, please – you know, he didn't know he was going to die. But when I took his cats in, he was like, please be very careful. Please make sure they don't get out.

I mean, little did he know, one got eaten by a coyote. But – or maybe he does know. Wait, so you had them before he passed? Yeah, I was watching them. So I had them in my – yeah, because his – You didn't take them because he died. You had already had them in my – yeah, because his – You didn't take them because he died. You had already had them. Yeah.

So his roommate didn't want – either was allergic or didn't want them or something. Okay. Got it. So I had – so he said until I – I don't even know how long I was supposed to keep them, to be honest, because he was basically kind of crashing with this roommate and he was looking for his own place. I see. So when he had his own place, he was going to take the cats. But in the meantime, and I had a roommate at the time

who was like, why do we have two? Why did I come home and there's two fucking cats all of a sudden? I'm like, I don't know because Neil needed me to watch them. And she's like, you haven't fucked that guy,

but you have his cats. You know, I think. You haven't fucked that guy, but you got his cat she's giving you pussy at least your roommate was honest she was I mean

that's great you haven't fucked that guy but you got his cat she was like you're getting the raw end of this deal no shit but little did she know well half of it She was like, you're getting the raw end of this deal. Yeah. Oh, shit. And she was like – But little did she know – well, half of it. And then you had a partner for 16 fucking years after that? Yeah, which –

And you got close. So it's not like you just did this to – because you felt obligated. You actually really cared for this cat. I did. Yeah. So that's huge. And I remember there was a couple – there was one time he was on his – Neil, when he was still alive, was on his way over,

and the cats had gotten out that day. I mean, apparently I wasn't great at keeping the cats inside. I like to blame my roommate. We lived on, like, Beachwood Canyon and – no, she didn't give a shit about these cats. She's like, sorry, the door was open. I guess they got out. But luckily they came back right before he visited,

so I didn't even tell him. I wasn't like, they got out. You don't tell anyone anything like that. So as far as he knows, they were both in good care when he passed until one went into the woods, never returned. Maybe he's living a nice life somewhere. Yeah, in a neighbor's house. He just went over there and started kicking it there. I was like, fuck this place.

I'm going to stay over here. And then it wasn't long after that, after he passed away, and I had these cats that we had someone break in. It's my break in your home? Well, it was basically we were – my friend and I had gone out. My roommate and I had gone out. My roommate and I had gone out. We got home and we basically just fell asleep watching TV on the couch because, I mean, at this point, we had a one-bedroom. So we had like a trundle bed. It was the saddest.

It was like Lucy and Desi sleeping together. It was really pathetic. So a lot of times one of us would sleep on – Who had the top bed and who had the bottom? She had the top. You had the full bed. Which actually is kind of fucked up because it was my dad gave me that bed and you're on the most uncomfortable yeah on the most uncomfortable and i kind of i forgot about that god i really like let her get away with

whatever but so a lot of times we would follow or one of us would fall asleep on the couch or whatever we and we'd been drinking we were out we fell asleep and i guess one of i guess one of us would fall asleep on the couch or whatever. And we'd been drinking. We were out. We fell asleep. And I guess one of us didn't lock the door, but we thought we did. And luckily she woke up first. There was somebody opening the door to the apartment. And she woke up and she just dove. She ran to the door and the person backed out, which I don't know if I would have had that instinct or not. I think i would

just cry in a corner and let someone which i um but her instinct was to run and since he wasn't all the way all the way and he backed out and then we locked the door and we called 9-1-1 and my friend is she's looking out the window and he's just standing there with his dick in his hand nah yeah and he's just standing there and he's like he we the window was kind of cracked so we he's just standing there and he's like... The window was kind of cracked so we could kind of hear him and he was like... I know you ain't fucked your boyfriend yet!

Heard you might need some. Heard you was looking for some. I might be barking off the wrong tree, but I'm right here with my dick in my hand. Very could have easily heard me talking about it at the bar. Men don't, I don't know any man who could sit here and say they've ever had some woman try to break in their home with their just pussy all out. Like it doesn't, I don't know if that happens.

Mathematically it has to, but there's got to be like five of those stories in the history of those stories. Yeah. This is a guy trying to break into your home with his dick already out. Yeah. And he said. When she saw him outside, he actually said. He goes, oh, I was just jerking off. Like, oh, sorry, you interrupted me kind of basically.

Walk in and jerk off with the two girls sleeping? No. Yeah. That's something I was getting something on him, I feel like. Yeah. And then the worst part was I was on the phone while she was looking at him and she, you know, we're both panicking. And she's like, oh, my God, he's jacking off. And I yell into 911, he's jacking off.

And they're like, oh, my God. I wish we could hear that call. It exists somewhere. You know it does. It exists somewhere. You know it does. Oh, my God. dogs this summer oh you know it does oh my god and then he took off luckily and the cops came like three hours later yeah they don't you know there's bigger problems i guess but i was like what if he they don't know what if he came back yeah seriously but at the time that was it

was not long after he came i don't know if he came back, but he came. He came and went. We really ruined that guy's plan, but he probably finished anyway. You two bitches. He was so blase about it. I was just jerking off. Okay, sorry. That's when you know they're psychotic. Yeah.

When they're super cash about the craziest shit. I'm just yeah i'm just breaking in your home to jerk off like yeah we got a problem with it yeah and i didn't have anywhere to go i just remember thinking this wasn't long after neil had died so i was like i don't have anywhere to go i don't have anywhere else to stay at night you know and my friend of course she had a boyfriend and she started staying the night at his house. I'll bet, yeah. She was just like, screw you. Fuck you and that cat. Yeah. So she just started staying at his house.

And I just remember thinking. You never had a problem with it again? No. Luckily, no. But I just remember thinking, like, God, it would be nice to have someone to be with right now or another place to stay. And it wasn't too long after him. So I was like, oh, if Neil was around, I could stay with him.

I wonder if his girlfriend would care. On night she wasn't there. Can you believe that letter? I think I still have it too. Do you really? I think I saved it, yeah. Because I felt like – I'm sure – yeah, I know I do. I definitely saved it because I just – I don't know.

It was like the only thing I had sort of left of him in a way, but also it was evidence that he had a girlfriend if it ever came up. I don't know. It was just a lot of things. Just fucking break-ins. I had a good friend of mine. She called me one morning and she said that she had a roommate, another girl I knew, and her name is Christy. So she went to work. I'm sorry.

Her roommate Rachel went to work or i'm sorry her roommate rachel went to work first and when christy got up she said she sat down at the kitchen table was having a little bowl of cereal and looked over um and saw that the screen had been pushed in and then so she texted her roommates like hey you didn't see the screen like this like you know why are you leaving shit like that the door is unlocked you just left with the door unlocked. She's like, no, I didn't. And she's like, huh? And so between the time that her roommate left for work early in the morning and the time she woke up, someone had come in thinking that the place was empty, saw her, freaked out, bailed. Okay?

A week later, Rachel's now home sleeping on like a saturday morning she wakes up there's a gardener looking in the window fucking jerking it and he was one of the landscaping crew employees that would do like several of the buildings in the area and we lived in sherman oaks at the time yeah and this guy ends up coming in and not knowing like had been casing the place for a while and everything and and then just same shit. Then they never had a problem again, but I was like, fuck. I guess it's like a one and done. You just sort of go, I'm not going to show my face there again.

It's a one and done for you, but that person's probably doing that until they get caught probably. And they never do. Never. The police aren't coming. Unless you get them and hold them there. And they'll be, you know, if you can hold, if anyone out there can hold an intruder for three hours, you might be able to fucking get the cops to help you out. Yeah.

I started sleeping with pepper spray under my pillow after that. And we didn't have air conditioning in that apartment. So I woke up at like one time it was, you know know two o'clock in the morning or something and i was like oh there's someone in here because i i had one of those like tall fans at the end of my bed yeah and i was like there's somebody fucking in here and i i unloaded my pepper spray into the fan right back on you are you fucking serious luckily it didn't go. Just spraying the whole fucking roof with that shit. I've accidentally hit it in a car with a friend just jerking around one time, and it fucking filled the whole car. Our eyes were broken.

We were coughing and gagging. I can't imagine having it blown right back into my face. I guess it got kind of spread out to where it wasn't so bad. I wasn't blinded or something, but i definitely was like oh my god you know i mean that's another moment of maybe i need to live with someone else you know someone that'll stay around because if you wake up and pepper spray yourself out of fear from a fan panic from a fan shit's not going great yeah so did you have any other serious relationships between this guy and John? Or were you like put off by you said maybe like, yeah, they're going to leave anyway.

So was it more casual? Did you find yourself afraid to commit? No, not really. I mean, I definitely I had a couple, you know, several months to maybe a year of relationships. Nothing. Nothing where I was living with anyone or being like too serious with anyone. A couple where I probably either, either the person was more into me or I was more into them, a couple of those relationships where I was like, okay, well, this isn't going very far. And then, and then I had a guy, there was a guy

that I dated on and off for five years. He's the one I ended up moving in with that, that I had a guy – there was a guy that I dated on and off for five years. He's the one I ended up moving in with that I had my cat still then. So he got to meet your cat. He got to meet my cat. This motherfucker. He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve the time. But he was really the only sort of longer term because I think it was part fear of somebody just, you know, of getting too close to someone and them disappearing. And then part my own just bullshit and immaturity probably of not being – knowing when I was ready or – it wasn't until when I met my husband, I was like, oh, that's –

You knew? Yeah. Quickly? Quickly. We met my husband. I was like, oh, that's – You knew? Yeah. Quickly? Quickly. We met in person. We had talked for about two months just texting, and we had never spoken on the phone. How did you meet? So he plays football.

He plays – I know who he is. He played for the Seahawks at the time. And he – Did you even like football? Did you give a fuck about football i did i mean i'm i'm a huge baseball fan but i've i've never had especially growing up in arkansas i had i was more of a college football fan i didn't really have who's closest to you well i guess the razor

backs well yeah nfl yeah nfl would be dallas for the chiefs and most of my family was like chiefs or dallas so i mean i liked it but I didn't pay enough attention to have a team. And then when I met him, he was – it was funny. It was actually the year they won the Super Bowl. And Ross Matthews, you know Ross Matthews? Yeah. So he's a big Seahawks fan. And he was down on the sidelines during a championship game.

And John went up to him and he was like, hey, do you know Sarah Colonna? Don't you guys work together? Because we had been doing the panel on Chelsea at the time. And he was like, yeah, I know her. And he said, I have a crush on her. Do you want to hook us up? And Ross was like, maybe we'll see. Why don't you see if you can win the game

or whatever he said to him. Why don't you get out there and punt the ball first, bro? You got some other shit you need to worry about. Shit to focus on. I don't need you to focus on her don't think you focused on her motherfucker we got a ring to win i mean i know you have a little time off in quarters but come on buddy we're trying to win a championship that's great uh and then russ tweet texted me afterward that he was like this guy is gonna he's gonna tweet you and so he knew of you from television yeah but you did not know

of him at all no at all no i didn't know um okay yeah i so he makes the first move then yeah and all right he basically said he he wrote me and was like you know i well it's funny when he wrote me i looked and i already followed him and I realized he had messaged – like tweeted me or something before. I mean, it's just so – I don't pay that much attention. It was his mom. I know. I was like, oh, it's verified. I guess I'll follow him.

It's cute, you know. And I just remember thinking, I don't – the last person I would want to date is an athlete. I mean, you know, I had hooked up with a baseball player and it was just gross. Everything about it was gross. I mean, it was fun, but I was just like, oh, this is gross. Why? Because it was – I set myself up for it. I basically flew – we had been messaging and texting and then I basically flew to see him play and thought we were gonna

go out on a date but we didn't we just we were just in his hotel room and then and then i saw myself out it was you know, I had been, I had, I felt confident in myself at the time. Is that a cat you need taken care of? I'm pretty solid with that, bro. Mine's on its way out if you'd like to give me a new one. Yeah, it was just one of those. It was a whole lead up, but I flew to see him and remember thinking like it was fun. And I was like, I'm – I don't know.

I just felt like I was doing something a little bit out of my comfort zone and hooking up with this athlete and all this stuff. Yeah, I did not feel great afterwards. I mean mean not it wasn't like i was down on myself i was just like that was that was disappointing i was hoping for more oh yeah i thought he would be fun and we would like hang out and and he seemed like a fun person and his persona was very fun but he was just more of like a dick and that's i should have figured that out out. So I was sort of not really ready to hit the reply button on another athlete hitting on me on Twitter. But Ross was like, no, I follow the Seahawks. This guy has been on there for years. I've never heard a bad word about him.

Everyone on the team loves him. So I said, all right. And then we started talking and he was just – he's very funny. He just led with his personality. And, and then we kept talking and he, he said, you know, we, we moved on to phone numbers as, as you do from Twitter. It's all so stupid. But he, he said, you know, I have a kind of a big game to play. The Super Bowl was that week. And he said, but I'd like to take you out when we're done when i'm back and then they won that night and he was texting me all night after the win photos of him holding the trophy photos in the locker room photos of the party afterwards and it just felt like he was trying to let me know

that he because we'd been talking for you know a bit at this point and it felt like he was trying to let me know like hey i, I'm interested in you. I'm not outdoing. I mean, if there's any point you're going to run around New York with your dick out, it's after you win a Super Bowl, right? I mean, that's a reason to bust into somebody's apartment with your dick out. Not just some rando shit. Sorry, I just won the Super Bowl. Dick in your head.

That would have been a much better 911 call. I just won the Super Bowl. It's a punter, I think. Yeah, that was when I realized he was not like the other person that I had encountered. It's a bit of a different personality. And I just, from there, it just sort of escalated. He came to LA in February, I think that year. He took his family to Disneyland, as you do, after the Super Bowl.

And then he took an Uber up to Studio City, where I was living at the time, and took me out to dinner. No shit. How nice is that? All right. Yeah. And it was just right. We'd been talking for so long, and he was just so, that all right yeah and it was just right we'd been talking for so long and he was just so like he brought me on our first date he brought me a box of all his

favorite shit like this is my favorite candy this is my favorite movie this is my favorite he had a bobble head of uh i think someone from the mariners like he's a big baseball fan too he had all this stuff in a box and he was and he was like hilarious would it be if it was the guy you hooked up with oh that's fun look at that bobblehead can i see it for a minute throw it over the balcony yeah it was not him thank god but yeah i he brought me all that stuff to tell me. Now, these are my favorite things. I can't wait to learn what all yours are. Yeah, that's great.

And I was like, that's a move. And he's just super supportive and funny and sort of broke that wall down in me of thinking that you couldn't really. I had pretty serious trust issues with people and i was always right like the guy that i was living with before was he and it wasn't about me he was very much he was just so insecure that he had to text or email any facebook any anyone he could he just he needed that attention and maybe it would never went further than that. I have no idea. But they were very inappropriate for someone, especially in any relationship, let alone. And I mean, I can break your password

like nobody's fucking business. Like I broke his password fast. I just show it to him now. I'm like, well, let me show you open my phone up. It's boom, boom, boom, boom right there. Okay, that's my password. And I got into his Facebook and found a lot of very inappropriate things. And he, you know, basically blamed me for it.

And I think this isn't this isn't how this is supposed to work. And that was another reason it was very easy for me to end that relationship and just feel relief. And I swear to God with John, I am like, his phone, I could give a shit about his phone when he gets a text or something. And that's how it should be. And I feel like, yeah, I know there are people who are over jealous for other reasons and they're always looking for something. But for me, the two times that it has happened to me, it has been because I was dead on correct.

And I could tell by their behavior. I could tell something was going on. And then, of course, they want to blame you. But with my husband, I mean, I've had to ask him for his passcode when he was driving or something. He's like, I've given it to you. I'm like, yeah, I don't need to remember it. I've never looked at all. I'm the same way.

I'm not looking at your fucking phone. I got better shit to do. I know I'm just going to get pissed off. If I'm right, I'm just going to get mad. You at your fucking phone I got better shit to do I know I'm just gonna get pissed off If I'm right I'm just gonna get mad You know I don't wanna be right Well if I'm right I wanna know But luckily with him I don't have You know

I mean for all I know he's running around Just Sherman Oaks at night putting his dick in the window But he hides it really well and makes me feel secure. People don't recognize him, so good news. Yeah. He usually has his helmet on on TV, so nobody knows it's him. All right. So we're about there, and I want to ask you what I ask every guest that comes on for the first time.

Advice you would give to your 16-year-old self. What would you say to 16-year-old Sarah? Well, lock your door when you get home from the bar. Yeah, and if you know anyone that works around bulldozers, tell them to keep a lookout over their shoulder. This has been fun. I don't know if we've had people talk about the loss of a pet like that, but also how it ties into this. What a tragic story.

I'm sorry. That fucking sucks. Well, thank you. That really does suck, to know that you were there. There's absolutely nothing you could have done, to know you were there and and at that i mean you really are driving that point home though you know what i mean just to make sure i think about it for the rest i mean if you could have just said hang on a second let me tie my shoe real quick here and then we'll walk anything no i'm just kidding um please plug promote everything

again uh yes please sarahcolonna.com has the links to all the tour dates that will and be updated and um my books. And like I said, watch Shameless, watch Insatiable. And I do have a podcast. It's about Lifetime movies and making fun of them. So it's a little bit niche, but it's super fun. And it's called Are You My Podcast? Awesome.

Thank you very much. This was a lot of fun. As always, Ryan Sickler on all social media, Ryanyanickler.com. We will talk to you all next week.