The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Sarah Tiana - Near-Death Dew

Episode Date: July 5, 2021

My HoneyDew this week is Sarah Tiana! Sarah Highlights the Lowlights of her crazy near-death experiences and motherhood! SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew SPONSORS: RAYCON Go to BUYRAYCON.COM/HONEYDEW. There you’ll get 15% off your entire Raycon order, and it’s such a good deal, you’ll want to grab a pair and a spare...That’s 15% off at BUY RAYCON dot com slash honeydew. BUYRAYCON.COM/HONEYDEW BABBEL Right now, when you purchase a 3-month Babbel subscription, you’ll get an additional 3 months for FREE. That’s 6 months, for the price of 3! Just go to BABBEL.COM and use promo code HONEYDEW. FRESHLY Right now, Freshly is offering my listeners $40 off your first two orders when you go to FRESHLY.COM/HONEYDEW. Stop stressing about dinner. Go to FRESHLY.COM/HONEYDEW for $40 off your first two orders. MINT MOBILE To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, and get the plan shipped to your door for FREE, go to MINTMOBILE.COM/HONEYDEW. That’s MINTMOBILE.COM/HONEYDEW. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month

This episode is brought to you by Freshly, Raycon, Babbel, and Mint Mobile. More on that later. Let's get into the do. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to the Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Nightpant Studios. I am Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all your social medias.

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All that said now, you guys know I record here at the Santa Monica Music Center. We're working with Outreach Through the Arts, Give Back Program, working with At-Risk Youth Kids. They're doing podcasts here with the Santa Monica Police Department. Obviously, there's a lot of shit going on in the last year currently as well. It will always continue, and they're opening the narrative together. So I think it's really awesome to help and give back. And when that gets out and done here, I'll be promoting that, but I just wanted to give you all a heads up about it. All right. That is it. The honeydew

podcast.com. That's the website for the honeydew. And, uh, if you're new here, welcome. If you're back, welcome back. You guys know what we do here. We highlight the lowlights. I'll be honest. It's a beautiful shit show is really what it is. And these are the stories behind the storytellers. Very excited to have this guest on here. Very old friend of mine. First time here on the Honeydew. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Sarah Tiana, y'all.

All right. I made it. You made it. I'm so happy to see you. Thank you for having me. It's been a pleasure to catch up with you before. I know. We probably should have been recording, but it's been awesome to see you.

The last time I saw you, you were an expecting mom. Oh. And you were huge, Sarah. I know. Your face, everything looked normal, and then you're just like this belly. My face did not. My nose was swollen. My lips were swollen.

I look at videos of myself, and I'm like, it looks like I ate myself. I ate myself. I gained 65 pounds. I lost 27 of them on the table when he was born. So I lost basically half the weight when he came out. He was 10 pounds on the nose. He was just a giant, giant baby. It was so uncomfortable and hard.

But then, I mean, I weigh less now than I did before I was pregnant. You look amazing. But it took, you know, like... Prona looks good on you, girl. Yeah. I tell you what, being able to work from home, you can go on walks and, like, you know, do all kinds of things. Take care of yourself, live a little better.

Yeah. Get some vitamin D, sunshine, take him out. He just started walking. So we're always in the backyard. And when they say like you lose weight because you're chasing a baby around, it's so true because like I'll be trying to eat, but then he wants to eat what I'm eating. And like you just eat. Everything goes slower in the food process because you're trying to get food in them and yourself. And I'm like, I don't even know if I did eat something, you know.

And so. Isn't it amazing too like you just blink and you're like, it's 530? Oh. I love when people are like, you're never going to sleep. And I'm like, I get probably 10 hours of sleep a night. But it's not enough. It doesn't matter. I didn't get that.

I'm still tired. Well, now, you know, like we go to, I mean, I will go to bed at like nine o'clock and it feels so good. And he'll sleep from seven to seven now. So it's so nice right now. But he's kind of transitioning into this one nap territory. So this has been a lot of fun. It's a lot going on with walking and napping.

We have a thing. My daughter and I were curious about it. I don't know if it's a real thing that could be possibly hereditary or not, but she is a straight up night owl like I am. Oh, really? She loves the night. Like she keeps the comics hours. I'm like, go to bed. I'm working on this bit, Dad.

I'm like, go to bed. What time does she wake up? She'll get up. Well, we have to go to school now, finally, thank God. But even with Zoom, it was 8.30 it started. So she would get up at like 8.15. You know, hair all over the place. Whatever, ain't nothing wrong with that.

I was like, you can do that. You can do whatever the fuck you want while school's out. But now we got to be at school by like 8.30. So we're up at 7. But she doesn't care. She just doesn't want to miss anything. I'm telling you, I wonder if it's a hereditary thing because I've always been that way. So I'm not a morning person.

I'll get up and do it, be pleasant about it. But I come alive. That's the nighttime is the best. Yeah. I mean, comedians are like tigers at the zoo, like all day. You go to a zoo, you ever see a tiger running around? Just laying around, waiting to eat. And then at night, they're like, hey, what's up, everybody?

So like that's, I mean, I definitely think it's hereditary for sure. Well, as we talk about life, I'm excited to talk about this because we're going to do near-death experiences, which we have not done on here as an episode. Ever? No. I mean, people have certainly shared a story, but we haven't had multiple. And you and I have a similar thing. So before we do, plug everything you want, and then we'll jump right into it.

Oh, I mean, I'm just on Twitter and Instagram. That's like the best place to find me i have a youtube channel sometimes i add little roast videos here and there but it's all sarah tiana sarah with an h tiana with a tiana very easy to find my mom i have to give a shout out to my mom her name is sue haynes she's your biggest fan what's up sue uh she what are you sewing right now, Sue? So when I would go on the road, my mom would make cat bandanas and dog bow ties. I remember. Yeah, yeah.

And so she sits at home and she still makes all kinds of stuff. I realized that your mom was pre-COVID on cats before COVID. What do you mean? She wore a little bandana. You could put it right up. Put it right up. She did make me a lot of masks early on, which was very helpful. My mom's a great seamstress.

If you need a bow tie or a bandana for your cat or dog, it's at catbandana.com. It all spelled out D-O-T-C-O-M on Instagram. And then catbandana.com you can order on the website. There's lots of fun ones. We can actually make our own fabric now so we could take your honeydew logo. We could make some honeydew bandanas. Sue, I told my daughter we could get a puppy. I would love

a honeydew bandana for the dog. I will make some of that fabric and try to get that done. But you know what I love about your mom? She used to tell me all the time she would listen to the Crab Feast and I'm like, how in the hell is your mom a Crab Feast fan? And then she loved your episode but you would tell me all the time she would listen to the crab feast i'm like how in the hell is your mom a crab feast fan and then she loved your episode but you would tell me oh you guys talked about me like yeah yeah i told the story about you and i yeah yeah yeah i'm still on oh yeah we're still on it yeah my mom would text me anytime you would bring me up on the podcast

and it always made me feel so good a that she was listening and b that you were saying nice things about me come on it's always nice things about you. It's so funny. Yeah, so she's your biggest fan and she sits in her sewing room and like as she's making quilts for the baby now or whatever she's working on, like she's always listening to your show. So you're doing a really good job. Oh, thank you, Sue. Your broad range of fans can go from people like me to, you know. Yeah, that's impressive.

It is. i'm pleasantly surprised yeah yeah um real quick has your mom met your son yet her grandson okay so you're able to do that yes okay good she actually got to me so he was born february 25th and she came out a week later and uh so oh yeah or two weeks later right before the lockdown so she actually left on march 12th when everything was locked. Well, yeah. So she got to meet him then. And then we all got vaccinated. So we had like a big vaccination party for Easter. So she came out to visit. And then just last week, I went home to visit my dad because he turned 70.

Wow. I took Paige with me. And then like, here we are. Yeah, we are. Yeah. So let's talk about near death, Sarah Tiana. Yeah. It's so funny because I was thinking about this story the other day because before I had a kid, before I had anything to lose, I always thought the best way to go would be in a plane crash. Because, hear me out. I'm about to tell a story about almost dying in one but i know you pass out you know so i'll be passed out you might not be high enough you might just be on the takeoff that's true hopefully you're up in the air and then you just crash statistically

rarely does it happen up there it's take off and land just so you know take off and landing your ass is gonna be awake i'm hoping that it would be where i would pass out probably from fear anyway uh i should be in first class i'll probably be drinking and then my family would get all this money from the airline so i'm like oh everybody wins in that scenario you know every screaming passenger on board the sounds would be horrific. But before I had a baby, I was like, there's not a lot of cleanup here. You know what I mean? Like, there's no orphan left behind. There's no husband left behind.

You know what I mean? But now that I have one, I'm like, oh, man, I'm so glad. You go from nothing to lose to everything to lose. And, like, even just taking him on a plane home last week you know without his dad i was like terrified you know same thing you know you think of kobe you're like i don't want to split the family i just want us to always all travel together forever um so that was like you know mentally challenging but yes so i was going to tell you a story about being on a military tour so i was on an all-female military tour through the south pacific so we had we started years this this would have probably been 2008 2009

yeah 2009 probably uh so we started in hawaii like shows at Pearl Harbor. Then we went down to the Marshall Islands. Then we went to Japan. And then we came to Singapore. Yeah. So we were doing – oh, no, we went to Okinawa and then Singapore. And so we were on a flight, a military flight. We were in a C-130. And the 130s are the ones that are carrying the tanks and the Humvees and shit, right? That's your cargo plane.

So – but this was a passenger – like normally in a C-130, you would ones that are carrying the tanks and the Humvees and shit, right? That's your cargo plane. But this was a passenger. Like normally in a C-130, you would be sitting on the sides of the plane and there would be nothing in the middle except for cargo facing each other. This one, there were about 10 rows towards the front of the plane that were 10 people long. So there's basically like 100 people on the plane. But like the rows aren't like a regular airplane where there's two, three, two or whatever. There would be, you know, four, four, four or something. Y'all got peanuts on us? Yeah.

No, there's no flight attendant. Just in case, I got an allergy. I just want to make sure you don't, actually. Yeah. So this, all the cargo is behind us. But it's a shit. They're like a building. Yes.

It's a very, like you are not going to hit your head on the ceiling. You can stand up and move around. Do you remember what's in there with you other than cargo? Is there any equipment or is it just all cargo? No, I mean everything is under a tarp and it's tied up. And you're just sitting in front of that. Yes, we're sitting in front of that. There's airmen to the right of me.

There's lots of contractors on the plane going to Diego Garcia. Diego Garcia is an island that the U.S. military populates that we got in Vietnam. So it's more just like, it's like an access point between, it kind of keeps an eye on the sky

like the Marshall Islands do between us and Japan. After Pearl Harbor, they were like, you know what, why don't we just stay here and keep an eye up top? Is there anything flying overhead? So we were going there to do a show. It was me, April Macy, who I just talked to her about this the other day.

So that's what made me remember it. Like Shayma Tosh, Melinda Hill. Like there's all these girls. And so we get up to like 30,000 and they go oh you can take out your laptops now or whatever so we take out we're starting to take out our stuff and our ipods and my ears start popping really bad and i can't like clear my ear you know like where you're just like i can't and then i start seeing spots and i'm just like starting to get dizzy. And I can tell I'm starting to pass out.

And I'm like, have you ever passed out prior to this? No. Okay. Not that I. But you can tell you're going. I'm like, yeah, you're just confused as to why you're feeling all of this, you know? And then I just start hearing all these alarms start going off and the air masks pop out of the seat in front of us so they because again the ceilings are so high they can't come from the ceiling so they come

out of the seat in front of you basically like the headrest okay and you're just you're in a daze because again you're passing out and this guy comes running from behind from the back of the plane and he's like take it down take it down take it down and all of a sudden you feel the plane just start going like nose diving and you're like you're trying so then the airman next to me puts my face mask on my my oxygen mask because i'm a child and you have to put yours on first and then you can help the child next to you are you just like jelly over there just like what the fuck yeah as soon as you get a little oxygen then all of a sudden you're kind

of coming to and you're a little bit more like pumping some oxygen it is okay yes and like you're you pull it but it doesn't like you go to put it on and it doesn't you have to snap it and you're afraid i'm like don't snap it it's gonna snap to snap the oxygen cord. But it's just attached to something, and you have to pull it really hard. And you get it on. And then you can feel the plane diving. They open up the captain's doors, the pilot's doors. All the two pilots and whoever else is in the pilot's cabin are standing up. They're wearing these huge gas masks.

What the fuck? Who's flying this motherfucker? They're flipping through a book. No! these huge gas masks what the fuck who's flying this they're flipping through a book no and i'm like what the you're ordering lunch man i'm fucking hungry back here man you're like what is happening you know you're like am i through a book my uncle i told this story to my uncle who's a two-star general who flew in vietnam he's like you know uh he hates pilots now because it's so easy back then they had to do like long division yeah he's like more more day you know to do you know now the plane just flies exactly so he's like oh they're going through a checklist and i'm like no bullshit they were looking stuff up you know and they

were they were flipping pages and then they, like. How do you spell emergency? So, yeah. So all of a sudden, we basically. Why is the door open? Why are they facing you guys? The airman next to me who had put my mask on grabs my hands and I notice that he's crying. And I'm like, it's like, you know, if you're on a plane and you see the flight attendants if they're calm I'm calm I know what they're the fact that he was not calm I was like that's it and people always ask me like what were you thinking about when because you're like okay I'm gonna die

all I could think about was no one knows where I am except for the government. The only people who know, because when you go on a military tour, everything that you dictate to your family is in past tense. No one can know where you're going or when you're going to be there for security reasons. islands. This is what it looked like, you know, but they don't know where you are now. And so I'm like, Pat Tillman had recently happened. I was really on edge about that. And, you know, I'm a hundred miles above the Indian Ocean and no one knows where I am. And so I'm like, they can tell my arm is blaring in your ears. All I can think about is they can tell my family anything they want. Is my family going to know what really happened? Is anybody going to understand, you know, like, because obviously when there are celebrities on board or quote unquote, you know, comedians, like that's a really bad look for the military and the project. And so, yeah. And then all of a sudden, like the plane flattened out because basically what happened was we lost cabin pressure. We lost oxygen. So when you're on a

plane, you know, they seal the plane with cabin pressure. You breathe the oxygen from the plane, not the outside air, because there's not a lot of oxygen up that high. It's like when you climb Everest, you usually need oxygen. So they were diving to 10,000 feet so that we could breathe outside air. And I remember because that Greek plane had crashed like a little while. I don't remember when that Greek plane crashed. But basically everybody on the plane, they lost cabin pressure. Everybody on the plane passed out. And the plane just flew until it crashed into a mountain.

And so I was just like, and all of this stuff is stuff I realized once we got on the ground. But in the moment, you're just like, what is going on? Like, I'm so confused. And so we got to 10,000 feet, they turned back around, we went back to Singapore, we get on the ground, we can barely walk because our equilibrium is so thrown off because of our ears. And they go, just sit here, we'll get you guys another plane in like an hour and i go you can keep that to your fucking self i'm going home and all the other girls were like okay yeah we're doing that too because i think they were you know and i was just like i that was like my 12th rodeo and i was like no thanks i'm going back to the you guys we'll do

this another day and so everything was fine after that. We stayed in Singapore for a couple of days and then went home. Did anyone scream? Did you hear anybody? Oh, yeah. People were screaming, crying. Like a lot of people had a tough time breathing even when we got on the ground. I think some people had a tough time getting their masks on.

You know, it's so crazy. Like you hear those descriptions over and over again on an airplane and then it actually happens. And you're like, what do I do? You know, it's no matter how many times you hear about how to put on an oxygen mask, it's like still difficult to remember how to do it when you're passing out. Yeah. Yeah. And that's, that's what really hit me, you know? And then, um, yeah, April actually sent me a picture from the plane. So I'll share it with you if you want to show people. So did they listen?

Did they let you stay that night? Yeah, yeah. We did not go back to Diego Garcia. We stayed in Singapore. Did you end up having to go though or they just canceled that? It was our last show anyway. So it was the end of the tour. I think we might have done another show in Singapore for the contractors there just because we were already there.

And then we just spent the rest of the time in the country. That's one of my favorite countries in the world. It's one of the coolest countries I've ever been to. So it was fine to just hang out there. Did you ever ask them what they were looking at in the book or what they were really doing? It is a checklist. So that is what they're going through. They have to go through a checklist like in any emergency, even on the airplane. Like, I don't know if you watch the Sully movie, but they open up a book for a checklist whenever something happens. And so there is a list of things that you have to do. And he didn't go by that list. That was the whole point

of Sully had to just react because there wasn't enough time to make a turn or go to this airport or do whatever, you know. So, yeah. So they have to go through a checklist, which is, you know, whatever the checklist is, but ultimately dive to 10,000 feet and get everybody outside air. Damn. And then from there, when everyone gets outside air, then take and get everybody outside air. Damn. Yeah. And then from there, when everyone gets outside air, then take it down and land it. Yeah. So there, you know. There's nothing wrong with the plane.

They just fucked up with the cabin pressure. Yeah. It was just the cabin pressure. Yeah. There's nothing with the engines. There was nothing. And that's a monster. It's a building you're trying to fly out of the sky.

Like that's not an easy thing to do. No, no, no no no no no like a c-17 is actually a little bit bigger but like a c-130 is still like a ginormous plane it's like bigger than any regular commercial flight you would be on and carrying who knows what you know the back of it can open and close you know so like you feel like all right we're at 10 000000 feet. Just open up the back. Yeah, can you just crack the back a little bit? Just crack the window in here or something. Yeah, Operation Elephant Drop. The whole back opens up.

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I've been there before. So tell me, you said you had. I told this story on the craft piece a long time ago, and I probably mentioned it, but I me. You said you had – I told this story on the craft feast a long time ago, and I probably mentioned it, but it's – I'll share it with you because it was a very similar experience in that it was a military tour. It was a gig. It was a military show. It was not a tour. I'll take that back.

You were on a tour. Military gig. I believe it's called – I don't know. I'm wrong a lot, but I think it's the San Marcos Islands. You go up here to Ventura Harbor. There's a little base right there. Oh, yeah. And then you just take a 20-minute flight out to this...

It's like towards the Channel Islands. Exactly. That's exactly right. And they were telling us it's weird out there. It's got its own environment almost. It's overcast. It's just out in the ocean. It's funky and nasty and very... You know... Temperamental. It's overcast. It's just out in the ocean. It's funky and nasty and very, you know. Temperamental.

Yes. Well said. So we're on this show. Daryl Wright, Vodka Time, three-tier comedian. NASCAR fan. NASCAR fan. The right turn. He used to have a podcast.

He was on it. I was on it. A few other comedians are on it. that he was on it, I was on it, a few other comedians are on it. And we're – they weigh you first and they weigh your shit to make sure – everybody's got to get on the scale. There's no lying about like, I'm 200 pounds, like 227, motherfucker. You all have to push. Yeah, they're like, get your shit and weigh on.

You got to hold on the wing, bro. It's only 20 minutes. So we're getting on. And for this flight, it's unexpectedly packed. They don't usually fly this many people over, but they're just putting everybody on to get over. What's the size of it? What kind of plane is it? It's a small thing, man.

Is it got propellers? Yep. Okay. And it's a rickety, old-ass military plane. You know, it's like. It's the Larry thing, man. It's got propellers. Yeah. OK. And it's a rickety old ass military plane. You know, it's like it's the Larry King of planes. It's the Larry King. It's the Barry King. You don't even know who that is.

You know what I mean? It's a knockoff Larry King. It's a knockoff Larry King. Sure, sure, sure. So we're getting on and there's one guy from the military who's with us. He's sort of our guide to take us over and stuff. And his wife's coming with us and we're small talking as we're getting on the plane. And I see a tire and it looks fucking flat.

I'm like, God, that tire looks flat. Like, is that? And she's like, you're right. It does. That really does look flat. He's like, oh, we're fine. We can all get on the plane. And it's just like two two by two

you know it's not a huge one but there's maybe a couple dozen people on this thing right and um it's got some cooks and stuff who work on the island and they park there and they fly and every day this is their commute they fly over fly back they cook for the right every day okay so it's this old ass rickety plane and we're and daryl is scared to death of flying as it is and i'm not at the time and um i'm even like this motherfucker looks like a junkyard plane like it's rolled out of sanford and son you know like what is this you know and it's got like brown marks and stain like is this dirt and they're like nah it had an electrical fire it's just the house like oh my god but now they know that daryl's scared we wiped it off everyone is piling on scare the fucking guy that's scared to fly right

and they're like uh you know a couple weeks ago we had to belly land this and daryl's like what he's like the gear wouldn't come down. We had to slide this on the grass. And I'm like, Daryl, that would tear the plane. Like, don't. Stop. Stop. We wouldn't be honest.

But it starts going. And you're like. And you can hear every squeak. You know what I mean? And I'm looking out the window like, oh, God. Oh, God. And I'm not scared to fly. Now we're up.

20 minutes. We're good. But like you said, the flight attendant, because there was one, she's on this little jumper seat in the back. And all of a sudden, she stands up and she hustles to the front like she's been called. Okay. comes out oh god and this chick should never play poker okay it was all over her death it looked like i mean she walked in a flight attendant walked out like the grim reaper with the sickle she might as well walk back and everyone took notice now there's only a handful of us for the show everyone else on there is a seasoned veteran on these planes they're doing this all the time so they don't give a fuck well when they her, you could feel and see everyone change. And we're like, what the fuck's going on?

And then it's like, what is going on? And I guess it's crazy windy out. And we're getting caught up in this wind. OK, and it's a rough thing. And Daryl's like, oh, my God. And people are still joking a little bit. And then the fucking jokes stop when she sits back down. And I see the guy next to me.

He goes, hey, is everything all right? And she goes, mm-hmm. And I was like, oh, that is. I've seen. I've heard that. I've been in relationships. I've been in bad relationships. I've heard that a lot.

I did something wrong. I'll find out later. Yeah, hopefully. Mm-hmm. I did something wrong. I'll find out later. Yeah, hopefully. And the fucking door from the cockpit flies open. And you can see, you know, they're on a smaller plane. You can see the pilot and the copilot. You can see the front of the plane.

But you don't see the ocean that we're flying over. You see, like, land. And we're like, what the fuck is going on? And the plane is now sideways like this. They're trying to bring us in for landing and it gets caught sideways. So as we're sitting back here, we're now looking out the front. We're facing this way. The plane's over here and they're trying to bring it around to bring us down on this landing pad. Everyone starts, people are screaming. Okay okay i knew it was real when i saw the people that do it all the time when they gripped their seat and i saw the white in their knuckles i was like oh fuck oh fuck like it's real yeah and everyone's looking at each other

and people are screaming and the guy spins this fucking thing around and i've been on planes before where they were on a descent and then i guess the gate wasn't available and then they yes and you're like another plane in the runway another hour but i'm wondering why we're not doing that why are we not but we're too low to do it okay and we fucking he he pulls us back and we hit the runway and that fucking bullshit tire you hear this pop and we hit hard as shit and it's just bouncing and guy next to me he's just going one he just can't help himself he's counting the bounces i was like shut the fuck up and we hit and it skids and it skids to the edge of this fucking runway. I mean the edge.

It's the cliff over there. I was going to say what's at the end of the runway. Cliff and more ocean but down. Get down. Oh, God. And everyone gets off. It is silent. And they get out and we can't talk about anything but what just happened.

Yeah, of course. And then we all get to the show and every comedian doesn't want to be a hack, but we can't not talk about what just fucking happened. So we all do a show. We're talking about like how horrific it was. And I'm just like, I'm scared to death to fly back. Like, I'll roll back. So after the show, the guys come over to us and they're like, listen, man, today was no joke. We're like, yeah, we fucking know.

He's like, no, you don't know, man. Like that was like, no, we got it. We got like, no, you don't know, man. Like that was, we're like, no, we got it. We got it when we heard the screams. We realized that shit was real. I was like, holy fuck, we got to fly back. Like we got to fly back. And I just, that was the most terrifying flight I've ever been on because you spend the night over there and then you fly.

The next day. The next morning back on that rickety fucking plane. Why do you have to fly back why can't you take a boat back i mean the flight was 20 minutes i don't know how long it would take on a boat probably an hour or so well that's worth the hour they just didn't have it that seems to be worth the time i'm not joking when i tell you there was a wrecked plane on the i swear to god like a little little cessna on the fucking rocks that we flew over. I'm not kidding you.

They say that they do testing, military testing on this island and shit. Like it was a really weird fucking thing altogether. Maybe testing my patience. And that was the last military gig I got on a flight for. I'll drive to San Diego anytime. Yeah. Man, no more for me. So what was the last military gig I got on a flight for. I'll drive to San Diego anytime. Yeah. Man, no more for me. So what was the actual issue?

Was it just the wind? The wind caught us out in that little vortex. And we were coming down, and it fucked the whole plane up. But it also seems like if the plane is full, like normally it wouldn't be full, so I would understand why the plane could get caught in the wind. But if it's heavier, I'm surprised that it did did i'm guessing the pilots weren't the best up there either you know i mean if they landed that thing with one wheel they landed it so then we went up in the control tower when we were leaving we go up in the control tower i'm like no no we gotta talk

to this guy up here i'm like tell us what happened he's like all right here's what happened he's like when you normally come in and it's like a ruler in front of you. He's showing us the landing strip. And he's like, you normally hit at D and then you stop at B. He's like, you guys hit at C and you stopped after A. And I was like, we really were. He's like, you guys were really – it was that bad. Yeah.

We're like, holy fuck. Oh, my God. So I know you said you had another one. I've got another near death, too, but it's not a plane. No, I mean, I definitely like I remember I told you about my first trip to Iraq in 2005. That was my first military tour. Saddam was still alive at the time. You told me about the fish and all that stuff.

The fish in his lake. Well, that was the lake in Baghdad that surrounded the compound at Bayop. It was like, there were all these like giant carp there and they would just like eat anything. Like you could feed them eggs and they're like, you know, and you know, Saddam's people are starving, but he told them that they were magic fish. And if they caught the fish and ate it, the fish would tell him. So like no one would eat the fish anyway it was like it was quite it was quite the process and at the time it was a very i didn't until i've been on like so many tours now i realized how dangerous that tour was it was like because we were still doing um conys, and I don't know if you've ever been on a military convoy, but basically it's just a ton of Humvees. Whenever they have to take supplies from one base to another, they would drive in a convoy, and that's just one big line of military vehicles.

And then there would be two Humvees that circle the convoy to protect it. So they're just like these two little buzzing bees that go up and down and around the convoy. And the convoy would take up. So there's two lanes on the freeway. And, you know, in Iraq, they would take it. They would just drive down the middle lane and then the other Hummers would go up and around it. So it would back up traffic like the locals would be so upset and they would drive to

the other side of the freeway to go around it like full-on head-on head-on yes like but anyway that's their own issue but like i can understand how that would be very frustrating to be stuck behind and we would be in like these like like you'd open up the door for the escalate and the windows would be like two inches thick you know i mean this is what the presidents would be like two inches thick, you know. I mean, this is what the presidents would ride in. And when you go overseas as a comedian, you're given, you have to be given a rank and a clearance. So we're given what's called, I believe it's a GS-14, which is basically a full bird colonel, which is right before a general. So, and my uncle at the time was a full birdbred colonel he hadn't become a general yet and so he was the one telling me all this stuff because you have to get a rank so that you can get on the

planes you're a colonel officially when you're well that's your rank right technically you're still a civilian you know you're not i'm not allowed to have a weapon or whatever but i'm allowed into certain you're not out there like, take cover! Yeah. You're allowed. Yeah. I mean, I would. I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty. I was the first woman that had been over there that would like carry her own bag. For real?

Yes. Of course you are. I was like, I would wear like boots and like all this tactical gear. And then when we get to the show, I'd change into heels and put on perfume and I brought a portable curling iron so that I could like look, because i'm like i know what i'm here for you know what i mean i know they're not here because they just love my jokes about lieutenants you know so uh i would let them i would like rub my perfume on their clothes like whatever just winning hearts and minds like anything i could do And the whole reason I even wanted to go over there. Winning hearts and minds.

You know, they're all back at the bunk sniffing your fucking perfume. This is also, you know, let's see. The bunk's quiet tonight. Everybody's in there. It's quiet tonight. Yes, also,

I mean, I'm 43 now, but in my 20s, I was a little bit more of a looker, you know? You still are. Thank you. So, I knew what I was doing over there. And we had a great time, you know.

And a big part of the reason I wanted to go was because when I was growing up in high school, we had recruiters in my high school every day at lunch. I knew a lot of like the brigade from my hometown was in Iraq. I was trying to get to see them the whole time. They were in the green zone. It was a really tough zone to be in. We had a show there one of the days that I was over there. And we were going to go, but then that road got blown up that day, and we couldn't go. It was just like

so depressing but so I was like oh they probably don't even know that I'm from Calhoun you know and um they did they were like sitting there waiting and then like five minutes after the show was supposed to start somebody just put a Chris Rock DVD in and I was like, I mean, they should probably, they would have wanted to watch Chris Rock more than me. So like, I'm sure it was fine, but it was kind of a bummer. But anyway, by the time we got to Biop, we were, we had just done a show for Special Forces,

which is like, the Special Forces are like, you can't take any video. You can't take pictures of them. Like you can't. It was the only show that we did. They lived in Saddam's girlfriend's mansion. And it had this cool pool. It had like all this stuff. Like it was the only show we did where no one had a weapon because they don't need

weapons to kill you like yeah they can kill you with their finger and i'm like what else can you do with that i didn't say that i said that at the show and then um i remember like one of the captains like taking me into this room and he's like do you want to hear something cool i'm like okay and it's like this like room where they room where they're commanding another group that's out, and they were raiding a house. And so he's like, isn't that? And I'm like, I don't want to hear people screaming. Anyway, so we're in the green zone. That's like they're in our streets here.

They're just coming into some of my house. Listen to this lady getting all mad at us. That's like a 911 operator being like, listen to this. Listen to this chick freak out. Yeah, yeah, there's a fire and they're trapped inside. Isn't that hilarious? You're like, not really. Actually, that's not exactly entertaining, but I guess you've been here a while, so it might be to you.

So anyway, we were staying in one of Saddam's hunting lodges where we were staying. How did they hunt over there? Exactly. What's he hunt? It was just on the lake. People? It was called his hunting lodge, but it was like this. It's on the lake.

Everything is gold, and it's like a castle or a man. I don't even know. And I'm like, where is he even being held? And they're like, we can't tell you that. And then they would just like point, like when we were flying overhead. So at the time we were flying in Blackhawk helicopters because that's the easiest and fastest way to get from base to base. And we were going to – I was over there with a group called Comics on Duty. And they specialized in going to small bases, FOBs, which are called forward operating bases, which means there's all these giant bases like BIOP, which is Baghdad

International Airport, which was the hub, right? That's probably where Saddam was being held. And the main base supplies the FOBs. The FOBs supply the patrol bases. The patrol bases are like 14 guys. So a FOB is like where the patrol base guys will come and kind of like relax for a day, get new supplies and head back out into the field. So we would be performing at FOBs because a patrol base is never in a set location.

So there would be like 100, 200 guys at some of these bases. Sometimes there'd be 800, you know. So we would be flying to all these little bases that never got entertainment. That was our whole goal. And so to get there, we would have to fly on Blackhawks and Blackhawks always fly in twos so that they can protect each other. And we had this guy that picked us up in Baghdad. His name was Major Hater. And everybody called him Major Hated because he was kind of a dork. And like one of those guys who is like a high ranking officer because he was good in school, you know, not because he was good with the web, but very important in the military. You know what I mean? Those guys are very essential.

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And we're sitting there. You're like looking down because you have to fly low to the ground too because they have to watch the ground. They're basically, you're sitting in a blackhawk. Have you ever been in a blackhawk? You're sitting in a blackhawk. The doors are both open. blackhawk you're sitting in a blackhawk the doors are both open there's one guy there's a guy hanging outside of each door with a weapon scanning the ground and all they do is scan the whole time both they're just watching out for each other and you'll hear them if you're wearing a headset

you'll hear them say you know blue nissan three o'clock and everybody looks you know and so all of a sudden the flares go off. You can just smell sulfur and you just see two things flying out of the Black Hawk and you're like, what the fuck? And the major goes, what the hell was that? And we're like, you're in charge, you know? Why do you not know?

I'm not supposed to know. You're the one that's supposed to know. And it turns out that there was a missile lock on us us from the ground and so they shoot the flares off so that the missile goes to the flare and not to you how do they know that though how do they know they're being targeted or locked i think just like our technology is a little bit better you know and so or or they saw it because they can see it coming in the air and then like we made just like a sharp right turn and we landed pretty soon after that yeah yeah yeah and like it grants us bliss right i'm like i don't know what's going on i'll just put it over in a second yeah you wouldn't that that's the way to go by the way yes that is the way to go descent down where you pass out. It's, what? Boom! You don't even have

what? You want my book? Bam! And it's over. Especially over Baghdad, you know what I mean? Legend. Instant legend. Oh, it would be instant legend. You'd be memorialized. I'd just be brown like the rest of those houses. I'd be like, that flag's half-mast today for Sarah Tiana right there, guys.

Yeah, that was like, that was pretty insane. i remember like we we ended up getting stuck at because at that hospital because and we had just been stuck at another base for like three days because of a sandstorm when a sandstorm hits you can't fly anywhere a the it's hard it's mostly because they can't see the ground so you can't watch out for things coming up towards you and it's like the conditions are too tough to fly so there was a sandstorm coming in and they were like you're not going anywhere you're sleeping in the hospital tonight we're like okay and it was like an abandoned hospital that was like mostly um just like an ops uh a special

ops center so and what do you want like a cot or something like that? Yeah, or you would find a bed wherever you could find. And then last second they go, actually, we're going to take you back to Bayat because we have to give these guys a ride to Abu Ghraib. And we're like, what? And we walk outside and there are these four guys with hoods over their

heads. It's black as night outside. They have hoods over their heads and they have hoods over their heads and they have glow sticks around their necks in case they run. In case they're raving. In case they run. They can find them. And I go, Abu Ghraib.

This is right after Abu Ghraib happened. So I know that name. And I'm like, I'm like, are we getting on the same plane? You all want us to get in the same cutlass with these guys? And I don't know them. I'm sitting in the back. I'm like, I don't know if they're going to get my jokes.

Do they speak English? Can I do some time off? Yeah, how much time? How much time are they doing? You got all the time in the world. I'm only doing 15. How much time do those guys get? So, yeah, it was like trippy.

Did you know you got on a flight with no they were on the other one so we got on one they got on the other one but they but but they dropped us off first so i didn't actually get to see i'll be great but that would have been cool you did see dudes with oh yeah fucking hoods over their heads glow sticks around their necks and i was like what is that and they're like that's in case they run i don't know if anybody out there is in our u.s military but if you could please let us know what is the u.s military budget for glow sticks just curious what we're spending on glow sticks and smoke machines yeah i just yeah i don't Somebody out there's got to itemize that. Like, who the fuck's getting all these glow sticks, man? You know, the Middle East, man.

At night, it's crazy. Oh, well, Kevin's having a birthday party. Just take the ones off the prisoners. We got them already. Freeze them and crack them. God damn it, man. We got to reuse. That was so trippy.

That is crazy. It was like a really trippy experience. But I loved it. Yeah. You know? I mean, I said off mic, but I'll say it on mic. You were the reason I won't go do any military tour. Because of that?

I don't want to be shot at. Nothing. No, I'll do military shows here in the States and support the troops because i support our troops but i don't ever want to be on a black hawk unless i'm being rescued from somewhere for some some good reason too yeah you know i don't want to be i don't i don't want to be the missing hiker you know what i mean they gotta come airlift me in that metal fucking cage it spins and shit i don't want to ever be that no i mean yeah i guess i mean i mean, I would do it every day. Okay, so would you go back and do it?

Now that you're a mom. Now, not going back now. I'm saying right now. They say, Sarah, a month. Would you go be away from your child for a month? A month? No, I couldn't go for that long. What's the longest you ever did before?

Was it ever that long? I mean, I think the longest I've ever been gone is like maybe two weeks. Okay, would you go for two weeks? That's tough. I think so longest I've ever been gone is like maybe two weeks. Okay. Would you go for two weeks? That's tough. I think so. You would? Yeah. Maybe when he, after he's like two, you know, like it'd be really hard.

It would be really hard. But I. It's hard leaving your baby, but knowing what you know also about how easily you could get shot down or any of that, you don't have any. Yeah. how easily you could get shot down or any of that you don't have any yeah i mean i think like if it if we were in another full-fledged war like we were back then i don't think that i would go but like now it's just like i just they don't even like comedy as much as they used to because now there's netflix and they can just watch all this streaming stuff. So the last tour I did was in Korea and Tokyo, and hardly anybody came out.

Because it's like, you know, they work 10 hours a day, 6 days a week, or 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. Going out at night is just exhausting. They'd rather just drink in their room and watch Netflix. They can watch a stand-up special there. exhaust. They'd rather just drink in their room and watch Netflix. They can watch a stand-up special there. So I've been trying to get a special off the ground that is just comedians doing their jokes about the military that I can give to them to watch on a streaming service, because I know that's how they watch it now. They listen to podcasts like this, and they watch

comedy specials, and that's how they get their entertainment now. They don't necessarily need to see it live. And so I don't know. I think that would be the only reason that I would be held back from doing it was because I'd be like, I don't know how much they're into it anymore. That's an interesting point about Netflix and everything. Yeah. Because now you have so much entertainment right there on your phone. You don't want, yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I even, I did that. I wrote on the show Rock the Troops that The Rock did at Pearl Harbor. And like, that was like so great for the people at Pearl Harbor and we, they put it on TV and I don't think it did that well because it's kind of hard to watch a concert on TV. You know what I mean? Like being there would be cool, like seeing those people live. But with comedy, it's like, it's much easier

to watch that on TV. That's something that you can, that you don't always need to see live. And so I think that would be the only reason that would hold me back from doing it. It's not like, like I went to Afghanistan in 2011. And it was right after we killed Osama bin Laden. I say we because I pay taxes. God damn right. And so I thought we did a great job. How quickly after did you go? So he was, I believe he was killed in May and then I was there in August or June. So it was only like a month or two. And what was that like?

It was amazing. But you would ask the guys, you'd be like, has your life changed? And they're like, am I still here? Yeah, good point. Yeah. They're like, no big deal to us, you know. And, you know, I really loved going as a performer because I had access to so many generals and to so much brass. And I could ask them a lot of questions because I am a taxpay many generals and to so much brass, and I could ask

them a lot of questions because I am a taxpaying civilian. I do pay their salary, and I have a lot of questions. I'd be like, how much is that? How much gas is going in there? Where are we getting that gas from? And do they answer? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anything that wasn't like... What's something you asked them that... What's an answer you got that really blew you away about the aircraft carriers? Because I would I asked about I think we were in Oman and I was asking about the port in Oman and the aircraft carriers. And they they told me, like, how much money we actually make on the aircraft carriers, because we have 11, which is more than any other country in the world. An aircraft carrier produces clean water, so they can desalinate water and make fresh water for local people. That's why whenever a tsunami happens or something, a lot of times our medical ships or aircraft carriers will go to that island because it has a giant hospital.

It can make clean water water and it can help. But also whenever, say we're bringing, we have to bring three airplanes over to Oman. So we have to ship them on an aircraft carrier. Well, we lease out spots on that aircraft carrier to other countries so that they can bring cars over or it's almost like a FedEx truck. So we actually make money on shipping because we bring stuff to other countries that they need. And it's like all part of, you know, the mail almost. So I thought that was really cool to learn that, like, we're not just wasting money by having these like floating ships do nothing. They're actually doing a service. They're not just out there keeping security guards. Yeah.

They're not just fishing. Yeah. Fishing. They deep sea fishing. They're out doing a service. They're not just out there keeping security guards. Yeah, they're not just fishing. Yeah, fishing. They're out there with whistles and shit like, what are y'all doing over there? Don't make me fire one of these up. Yeah, but Afghanistan, we went to some really incredible fobs.

But that's also another near-death experience that I had, which was we were at a base outside of – let's see. Where would we have been? We were in the Helmand Province, which was like southern Afghanistan. Mayonnaise province? Uh-huh.

Helmand. And – You called me out on a mayonnaise joke one time on the crab feast. Your mom – we had to go to your mom, go to the table. Oh, yeah? Because I said something like, do you like mayonnaise or something? You said that when we were at the Ducks game. And you

clowned me for it, and now look, here's fucking mayonnaise again. I can't stop with you. Because we were both stoned at the Ducks game. What did I ask you? And we were sitting in one of those lounges. Yeah, you took me to the nicest shit. Yeah. I had a friend that worked for the Ducks, and he hooked us up with all kinds of cool stuff and we were sitting in one of those

lounges eating free sandwiches and then uh i was like you said something about not liking mayonnaise and then you just looked at me like do you like mayonnaise and i just started laughing so hard and i'm like what the way you asked it was like accusatory but also but also like generous like if you do i'll give you all of the mayonnaise that i have i'm accusing you yeah like first of all it's gross that you like it but if you do like it i'll give you all of mine because i was just like yes i do you know i just i think it was also like a little bit of uh the edible or whatever we had before going in to really enjoy that game but like yeah that yes so we're in the helmand province we're at a base

that doesn't have um bathrooms normally like you'll have porta-potties or whatever that you will go in on a lot of these fobs because, you know, they're just, they're basically said it's a camp, you know, and so they'll set that up in the middle of nowhere. But this base was so remote, they didn't have air conditioning and they didn't have bathrooms

because there's no way of emptying them, right? So they had a burn pit, which I'm sure you've heard about. Like Jon Stewart has been really a big proponent of like. Isn't that unhealthy? Very unhealthy. It's given a lot of guys very difficult medical and lung issues over the years. Yeah, because. They're just pooping and burnt and just throwing fuel on it.

It's like they throw anything in there that they're not using. It's just a trash pit. Oh, a trash pit. So whether it's like weapons that don't work anymore or oil, I mean, anything that's in there, they're just like, they burn stuff. And so there's pee tubes all over the base. But, you know, as a woman, you can't pee in a tube, like a pee tube. And so you'd have to go into a stall.

And the stall are just like these, like, wooden stalls that have a toilet seat. And you're given a WAG bag. And so WAG stands for waste alleviation something. And you take the bag and you put it over the toilet seat. And you go in the bag and you put this over the toilet seat and you go in the bag and then you put this gel in there and then you seal it up and then you walk it down to the pit and you throw it in the fire. Well, when it's full of pee, you can't throw it that easily. Like I would throw it and the wind would catch it. And then I'd just be chasing it down the base. I did that three times, and I kept having to get closer and closer and closer, you know,

to where you're just like, you know, like you have to, you know, get really close to the pit. And so when I get back to the U.S., I start, I get a headache. I get a really bad headache. And I'm like, whatever. I get headaches all the time. And it's getting worse and worse worse and it won't go away. After about a week, I've started to lose motor function. I've started to lose like I'm stuttering a lot.

And my hands, I can't really like when I tell my hands to do something, they don't always do it. I'm having trouble walking. do something. They don't always do it. I'm having trouble walking. So I go and see my friend work. I didn't think I had health insurance at the time. And my friend's wife worked at this neurologist. So I go to see him and he goes, you need to go to the hospital right now. So I go to the emergency room. He's like, I think you have meningitis. I looked it up and I was like, I think you have men, I looked it up and I was like, I think I have meningitis, which is an infection in your brain fluid and your spinal fluid. And so I get to Cedars and they go, what are your symptoms? And I go, and all I can get out is I think I have meningitis. And she's just like, you do not have meningitis, you know, like rolls her eyes. So I wait in the waiting room. Yeah. So I wait in the

waiting room for like three hours because I'm being a woman right i'm just pushing through the pain you know and um i'm still making jokes i'm like if i have aids just tell me you know what i mean and uh so i'm like laying i'm laying and finally get back and the doctor says why do you think you have meningitis and i said well i was just was just in Afghanistan and I was around a lot of like pits that burned feces, which I know that's how you can catch it is from any kind of bodily fluid, like being around those. I'm not like I'm single. I ain't been kissing nobody. And and she goes, what were you doing in Afghanistan? And I was like buying a house, you know, like that.

That's what I always said. I was like, I just need three more goats and then I can get a down payment. Yeah. So they're like laughing, but they're like, no, really. And I go, I was doing stand up comedy. And the nurse was like, oh, my son's out there. He saw a comedian. I was like, well, if it was a woman, it was probably me.

So anyway, they they do the spinal tap. out there he saw a comedian i was like well if it was a woman it was probably me so anyway they they do the spinal tap they admit me immediately because i have um i have viral meningitis i don't have bacterial which i would have been dead already if i had had bacterial but i had viral i was you know it had already gotten into all my fluid my so that's why i was not able to walk or talk and um they admit me immediately and as they're admitting me the nurse comes over and shows me a picture of her and her me and her son yeah oh it's got chills i know yeah so look here's the last thing before you die this is why you died this is where you almost died and that's why you're here my son said

you were right but april was funny you're like god damn it yeah oh my god so yeah so i ended up being in the hospital for five days roll her eyes no no no no that was the admission you're in there yeah five days so what do they have to do they have to like drain the fluid like what do they do they just pump you full of antibiotics to fight it off so like i was I was just basically like, had IVs for like five days and like, just, yeah, I had to kind of pee it out, I guess, or something. I don't remember how they were giving me all kinds of stuff. It was 2011. So I don't, I don't really remember because I was also in such a daze, you know, and I was alone, like, my friend Lenny, like helped me, like, check into the hospital, but I didn't have any family.

I wasn't dating anyone. So I had a couple friends come in a couple days, but I was just kind of there hoping not to die. God, hoping not to die. And my mom was freaking out. She's at work, but she can't get a flight like that. And I'm like, don't worry. I'm only going to be in here for a day or two. But it ended up being a couple more like that. And I'm like, don't worry. I'm only going to be in here for a day or two, you know?

And so, but it ended up being a couple more than that, but I was fine. Yeah, but it did. It was like very scary. Like looking back, it was like, it could have been like, it could have paralyzed me. It could have like done all kinds of things, like as a comedian, you know? Like, and I had gone to a couple of hospitals before that

being like, and they're like, it's just a cold. It's just a cold. And I'm like, it doesn't feel like a cold, and they're like, it's just a cold. It's just a cold. And I'm like, it doesn't feel like a cold. Don't just listen to your body. Keep going. Yeah. Yeah. So I finally looked it up and figured it out.

But yeah, Afghanistan almost killed me in a different way. Yeah. Yeah. That makes you wonder how many people do die from that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That was that was just like a really freak, like, you know, fluke ax. Yeah. But that that was the one I was on with Pajitsky, though, with Christina and Jody Miller. All moms now. All moms now. All your own moms now. Something I mentioned to you before I always ask my first-time guests, advice you would give to your 16-year-old self. What would you tell 16-year-old Sarah Tiana? What would you tell 16-year-old Sarah Tiana? What would I tell 16-year-old Sarah Tiana?

Probably just to have faith that it will all work out. I think Jeff Garlin always – he gave me the best advice when it came to this business, which is like – because I would always complain about luck. People in this business is a lot about luck. I mean, I think Hollywood is like the royal family, like it's very rare for a commoner to get in. Like it's very incestual. A lot of people are born into it. And I was complaining once about luck. And I was like, I know that luck is just perseverance plus time.

And he would be like, yeah, but perseverance is just perseverance plus time. And he would be like, yeah, but perseverance is just keeping it together when nothing is going on. If you can just keep your mind right, when you're not busy, you'll always be busy. And so I think about that all the time. And anytime I get anxious or worried, I think about that. And I think I could have saved myself a lot of heartache in my early, all through my 20s if I had known that. That's great. Yeah.

I love you, Sarah Tiana. I love you more. I'm so glad you're okay. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're a mom. I know you're going to be such a great fucking mom. You would always tell me that way before I was a mom. Way before.

Way before. Yeah. Well, please plug everything again sarahtiana.com sarahtiana on twitter and instagram catbandana.com for all of your dog and cat bow tie needs and bandanas and shout out to my mom

Sue Haynes who loves this show I'm getting you a mug, mama. That mug's coming home. Thank you so much for real. And thank you all as well. Please subscribe to the YouTube, RyanSickler.com, Ryan Sickler on all social media. We'll talk to you all next week. Thank you.