The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Stavros Halkias - BmoreStavros

Episode Date: February 28, 2022

My HoneyDew this week is comedian, Stavros Halkias! (Cumtown Podcast, Comedy Central) Stavros Highlights the Lowlights of being a first-generation Greek American, growing up with immigrant parents, and juggling day to day life as a poor kid in Baltimore. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler  SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON, The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! You now get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! Sign up for a year and get a month free! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew  SPONSORS: Athletic Greens -Get a FREE 1 year supply of Vitamin D and 5 free travel packs with your first purchase when you go to https://www.AthleticGreens.com/HONEYDEW  Noom Mood -Worry less and feel happier. Sign up for your trial at https://www.NoomMood.com/HONEYDEW  Babbel -Go to https://www.Babbel.com and use promo code HONEYDEW to get an additional 3 months FREE when you purchase a 3-month Babbel subscription

Vancouver. Unfortunately, I have to reschedule. There's a lot that goes on to getting in and out of our countries. And until that's a little easier, I'm going to have to postpone the Vancouver and the Edmonton shows. But Thursday, March 3rd, I will be at Zaney's for one night only. And Friday, March 4th and Saturday, March 5th, I'll be in Lexington. Get all your tickets at ryansickler.com. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the Nightpan Studios. I am Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all your social media. Please, guys, subscribe to the YouTube channel. You're watching, and I appreciate the support.

Hit that subscribe button right there. And Patreon. Look, this community continues to grow, and every week there's some new story. I mean, you've heard me say it a million times. The girl with two pussies is back now with one pussy. She's got one pussy now. We've talked to a guy who died. We talked to a guy who solved an 18-year-old cold case.

We talked to a guy who cleans up people's suicides and shit. Like, it is the wildest shit out there. It's $5 a month. If you sign up for a year, you get over a month free, and you're getting the Honeydew a day early ad free at no additional cost. All right? If you or someone you know has that story that has to be heard, please submit it to honeydewpodcast at gmail.com.

Hopefully we'll get to do an episode together. All right. Now, Night Pants Nation Tour. I want to apologize to Vancouver and Edmonton. Unfortunately, we have to reschedule those dates. There's a lot of restrictions getting in and out of Canada right now. And until that gets a little lighter, I'm going to have to postpone those shows. But I will be coming. I shot a promo for Vancouver in January of 2020 before I even created Night Pants. And I'm still going to use that damn promo whenever the fuck I get there. Okay?

So I'm coming, Vancouver. I promise. All right. March 3rd, I will be in Nashville at Zany's. One night only. March 4th and 5th, I'm in Lexington, Kentucky. All right? That's the info.

You know what we do over here. We highlight the lowlights. I always say these are the stories behind the storytellers. And today, I'm very excited to have this guest on. First time here on The Honeydew. Very excited to have this Baltimore royalty, ladies and gentlemen. Stavros Halkios. Welcome to The Honeydew.

Did I get it right? Yes, you got it. You got it, baby. Yes, nice to be here, man. Nice to be here with the only other actual Baltimore comedian that I know of. Yeah, we were trying to figure out. I mean, I'm sure there are. I just don't know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's some guy who does not have a career. He's like, hey, what the fuck? What about me? He's like, sorry. Be honest. You're not. Nice.

Yeah, no. I've been wanting to do this for a long fucking time. I know. I'm super happy to be here this fucking rocks thank you I can't believe your studio is incredible I love this for you I know I wish I had some

I thought about that I didn't bring any Baltimore merch I didn't bring any any Natty Bow memorabilia it's good to have you here hon dude it's nice to be here you know what's funny oh yeah baby

you do it so good and the funny thing is when I do that sometimes my daughter goes this baby laughs so hard thing is when i do that sometimes my daughter goes this baby laughs so hard i'll go that's nice hon and my daughter goes dad is that a man or a woman i go it could be either yeah yeah that's true the elderly in baltimore were the first non-binary people they're like they just gotta they gotta melt into one block and how you doing honey how you come over here give me my palm all

yeah they just all become one blob that recedes into like a fucked up armchair and they spend their their twilight years smoking smoking menthols in there i couldn't wait to get you in here dude this feels so good it feels so good. I'm happy. I'm fucking pumped to be here. All right. We have a lot to talk about before we get into it. Plug everything you want, please. Yes, let's plug it. Yes.

Thank you. Guys, I am going to be in San Francisco the end of February 25th and 26th. You just said you rescheduled Vancouver. As far as I know, I'm still going to be in Vancouver, but maybe I should take a look at those restrictions, I guess. You should check that shit out, bro. So for right now, I'm in Vancouver, the 3rd through the 5th. Then I'm in St. Louis, Chicago.

Both Friday and Saturday sold out, March 11th and 12th. We're adding Sunday, I hope, and maybe even a Monday. Buy those tickets, Chicago. Then Burlington, Vermont, Charlotte, Nashville, atlanta toronto providence i'm all over the place dc philly uh and then yeah stavi baby on uh twitter stavi baby 2 on instagram and tiktok you know i'm a special i'm gonna release a special i'm actually editing my special i shot in la in december i'm in the middle of the edit right now that'll probably come out in march or april trying to figure all that shit out.

Where are you going to release it? I'll probably self-release it, you know? Yeah. I just want people to see it. I mean, I don't, that's my biggest thing is like. That's it. Especially, I don't know if you experienced this, but when people just know you as like from your podcast, most people don't even know your comedy.

So, and I think podcasting is bullshit. I mean, I can't't i hate doing it yeah this is fun but it's like i think it's such a ridiculous like i don't i've never done a podcast of my own and been like oh fun you know what i mean like i've always been like this fucking bullshit i have to do to keep earning a living whereas like i love stand-up and that's the reason i got into comedy and i've been doing it since i was you know 19 so this is the thing i'm really most proud of so it's like i don't even it's like stand up as this parent that had these kids and podcastings that fucked up one yeah yeah but the fucked up with a family yeah but the fuck yeah but he's over there doing his job yeah yeah podcasting's

the only one he's the doctor in the family exactly yeah yeah yeah or or maybe podcasting it feels like is the kid that had like a settlement for eating lead paint chips. And so now we're all rich off of it, but everyone hates it. We're all rich. Podcasting comes through, puts fucking thousands of dollars in your bank account, but it's all deformed and fucked up and you have to tend to it all the time. But anyway. Yeah, man. So, yeah, all that stuff. And and uh you know just find me on the internet

that kind of thing come see me and when the when the when the special comes out please come please go watch it you know here's the other thing too that that a lot of podcasters and stand-ups can't do is a lot of them can't do stand-up yeah yeah a lot of people see your podcast and then they come see you do stand-up like damn i didn't know you could do an hour that's my favorite thing is how it's like it's like uh you know it hurts my feelings on one end because it's like people like whoa you were funny you know it's like people come and they're like i want to see the guy exactly they're actually funny that was good they're like i just want to see the guy from the podcast that i knew and it's like all right well so that's my favorite thing is when people are like, you know, surprised. But yeah, man, I, like I said, that's the thing I think I'm the

best at in the world. And then it's like, but most people don't know you from that skill. So I'm pumped to just get it out there. And well, I love dudes like you, but you especially like I go back to the crab feast. Okay. And I remember first hearing about patreon yeah and someone says you gotta check out this show called come town yeah yeah yeah and i was like how's it spelled and they're like cum town i was like i don't know who the fuck these guys are but good for them yeah because right away i was like if you're telling me i'm about to see something successful yeah good for them because every manager every agent every person you know in your life would be like you can't call your show come down everyone told us not to do it of

course they did yeah yeah yeah of course they did it's against all logic and i was like here's some guys that were like you know what yeah two of these we don't care come down and now it's it's wildly successful it's the producers of podcasting where it's like we've done everything wrong and it keeps working. And we keep – right now we hate the show. You hate it. We're in a cage. I love my show. We're in a gilded cage where it's like – we beg people, stop listening.

Get off the Patreon. That's also one of my plugs. Please get off the Comptown Patreon so that i can move on with my life so i can move back to baltimore and open up a surf and turf restaurant which is my real destiny i'm coming to eat there yeah please do i'm bringing everybody but hey man it's you know it's also funny to be involved with something like that and it's like you know whatever it's it's been fun and obviously it's like you, you know, taking my Baltimore family out of poverty, you know, so that you can't complain when podcasting does that. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah,

I bought a beautiful piece of property in Greektown, which as you know, very, very easy to get a piece of property in Greektown. But yeah, I'm happy with it, man. And I get to just fucking, you know, like I'm on tour right now. The reason we're doing this podcast here is because I have a bunch of West Coast dates. And I was just like, I'm not going to the fucking East Coast. Where'd you, what venue did you shoot your special? The Lodge Room in Highland Park. Great venue.

I'm actually doing a birthday show there that will probably be, by the time this comes out, it'll be over. I'm doing it next week. But I love that place. And yeah, really nice, really interesting. Like it's a it used to be a masonic lodge so it's like these weird fucked up like you know like ritualistic vibe it's beautiful all the like natural wood these cool paintings but it's like it's a it's a lot it's a masonic lodge that was built in the early 1900s in la like you know some fucked up shit was going on around there like there's there's a sconce in there somewhere if you twist it just right there's a you'll still find the bones of a starlet

that was trying to make it inside in the silent movie era marilyn monroe's right here yeah absolutely the the brian singers of the 20s were definitely in the large room being like, would you like to be in this next Mickey Mouse short? God, we need a whistling, a boy to whistle in the Mickey Mouse short. You know, and then just those kids are all, he puts on a goat head mask and just fucks all those kids. You know, that was going on in there. And eyes on those walls.

Hell yes. But, you know, it was, you know, I want to do something a different, and it just looks cool, has a different vibe. I didn't want my special to look like, you know, I thought, I like that people are doing their own specials now and you can put your own little spin on them. Fuck yeah. I love every, you know, you don't need the sweeping crane and all. Like that's, hey, that's cool.

That's great if you get that budget. Exactly. But that kind of shit adds like $80,000 for like one cool shot. It's like, ah, we're good. For the credits, I'm like, throw some black on white up there. Okay, we're good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. All right, so let's talk about you, man.

Please, yeah, cool. Because you said you pulled your family out of poverty. Let's go back to the beginning. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. So are you, did your family, you're Greek, obviously. Yes. Did your family come here from Greece? Yeah, we're late your grandparents your parents my parents so we're like we're recent immigrants i was the first person born here in my family okay uh they came over in

the 80s um which is it is interesting to like you know like we're so fresh fresh like it's just like my dad's family's still in greece my mom's they both have small families but we're still really you know their best friends are still all in greece so it's like this weird thing of like you know i don't feel you feel like of two worlds on like if your family came here when like jerry curls were around you know what i mean it's like that's not that long ago you know what i mean so they're wanting a black and white photo yeah yeah exactly they were color photos you know what i mean i was i was about you know ninja turtles you were born here i was born here i was born in baltimore now that they come they were married in in greece and came here yeah my mom's my mom's this will

show you like the greek man's like uh fucking mindset where it's like here's how my mom's family got here where my grandfather was a he was a machine shop worker and he was just like going you know this is greece in like uh the 60s and like work's not that great there's like a fascist dictator shit's all fucked up in greece so he's just traveling around looking for work anywhere like their family moved a lot uh she grew up in northern gree he's just traveling around looking for work anywhere. Like their family moved a lot. She grew up in Northern Greece and they moved around a lot. And my grandfather gets this, like this, this guy tells me about this insane job. He's like, it pays this much. The work is this. He's like, what the fuck? This is like four times the money I've ever made in my life. He's

like, yeah, I'll start. Where is it? He's like, oh, maybe I'll have to go to Athens or something. He's like, oh, it's in America. And he's like, what? He's like it he's like oh maybe i'll have to go to athens or something he's like oh it's in america and he's like what he's like all right great i'll think he doesn't go he doesn't ask his wife he doesn't ask his kids hey want to go to america he comes home he's like i'm going to america he's like yeah i'll be there i'll send uh six months later i'll send you guys some money to come over and that's just how it happened so it's like you know my mom just like you know she uh she was pretty she was older at the time she she uh came she moved over here like right after like high school so for her it was devastating because it's like you're about to go to college your college age all your friends you know exactly exactly and so uh but they moved over here my mom moves back because she's like

fuck america i don't want and to get since you know you know about baltimore geography this will not be helpful for 99 of the people listening but they were in like parkville you know so like you know it's just like they weren't even like in the city to have any kind of like action before she's married to your dad before she knows my dad what – And I want to ask you this. What is it about Baltimore that brings the Greek families to there? Like why? I don't know. What is it there?

Well, I can tell you – Is it because they know people there? Exactly. I can tell you. The other thing that always crushes me in this story is that they gave him two options, and the options were new york or baltimore and he knew one guy in baltimore he's like i'm going to baltimore and it's like you motherfucker we could have like a house in astoria right now i live in astoria queens i live

in the neighborhood that you we i could you know i could be the shitty greek landlord instead of paying my money to one i could be in a fucking tank top hosing off my driveway, you know what I mean, with one of my balls hanging out of my shorts. That could have been me, but you wanted to go to fucking Baltimore. So anyway, so yeah, so she was back, meets my dad, and they're like, we're going to go make money for a year in America. Just never come. Like they had never thought they were going to stay in america and they've just been here and my whole life growing up my dad every year was like we're moving to greece you know that right so i was like a little fucking kid

i'm like you know you're hearing that every i'm seven and i'm like crying hugging my friends at summer break i'm like guys And I'm like, guys, this is, I'm going to miss you guys. And I just show up. Yeah, you're still in Little League and shit. Like, I thought you were moving. So did I. And everyone's like pumped to see me every year. They're like, yeah. Yeah, he's back.

All right. That's great. So that was a hilarious, like, traumatic thing. That's a mind fuck. Oh, my God. Because you don't want to go. No. Yeah, and they probably do like, traumatic thing. Oh, my God. Because you don't want to go. No. Yeah, and they probably do.

And my dad, oh, my dad, well, my dad has this, like, all immigrants have this, like, the, you know, fantasy of what it's like if you go back home. And it's like, there's a reason you fucking left. And that's how fucking delusional my dad is, Even in the middle of the Greek financial crisis, right? When it's like everything's getting slashed. No one my age, everyone my age just don't have jobs. They're just like their lives are just fucked. And the jobs they do have pay nothing. My dad's still like, we would have figured it out.

It's like, we're not figuring out in America. You failed here. You failed in the land of opportunity. You're not going to succeed there where it's like, you know, in the middle of the most devastating financial crash ever. But- Are you an only child? I'm the oldest of three. I have two younger brothers. All same parents? Same parents, yeah. Okay. So you are born what? You're how old? 31?

I'm 31, 89. All right. And you're the oldest. I'm the oldest. Yeah. Yeah. And my family is like, I'm a child of, I'm not a child of divorce. I'm a child of should have been divorced. You know what I mean? Like I'm a child of like that immigrant mentality of like, oh, let's stay together.

For the kids. Not just cause. Yeah. Not even for the kids. It wasn't for the kids. Only one of us came out unscathed, and it ain't me. My brother Nick is like the greatest guy you'll ever meet. He's like, and my brother George, they're both great guys,

but it's like I got some mental illness. George definitely got, you know, me and George are both artists. I mean, obviously comedy stuff, but George is like a visual artist, and his stuff's incredible. Art by Zudsy on instagram folks go check him out but uh yeah we didn't come out of it unscathed i'll tell you that much but you know whatever what are you gonna do so what did your dad do while he was here he's a carpenter carp uh yeah and he was good he have work when he came here or they were like we're

gonna find it there he the thing about my dad is he's very talented. It's actually, he's similar to a lot of comics in that, you know, the comics, the best comics oftentimes don't really succeed because they don't give a fuck about the business, you know, and can't like, my dad had no business acumen whatsoever, but he's like an insane, I mean, really talented woodworker. Like he's had his work featured in like, you know, Architectural Digest. Like a lot of, he's done a lot of like really, really cool stuff. And he's insanely talented. But one of the worst businessmen of all time.

Like just like, you know, these fucking shitty Greek diner owners always like haggling him down. And he's like, fine. It's like, you know, I remember being like 10 and working with him and being like, what the fuck are you letting this asshole? You know what I mean? It's just like, but my dad just, I don't know. He just, he was just good at that. And he never wanted to, because of that, we're always moving back mentality. He never actually like, was like, well, all right, let me settle down and make up, make a 20 year plan. Right. Which if he had done, and even if he had just gotten a fucking job or found a company where he could have just like made someone, you know, made to order, whatever.

I don't fucking know. He should have figured out, you know, I'm a fucking baby when this is happening, but whatever. Even if he had just made that plan, he would have been much more successful. But every year he's like, all right, I'll fucking keep renting out my own space. I'll keep running my own business, all this and he just never he never really figured it out so you know that's always constant stress when you're and he also has that like um that like comics or even that like artist thing of like constant uh um like uh procrastination you know what i mean where it's like that's why i love stand-? Where it's like, that's why I love standup

because it's like, I should work harder on my act, but at the end of the day, the show is happening, right? Like I can't just like, there's a deadline that it's just gonna happen, right? And I love that because I can get two in my head. But with my dad, he was like that, but it's like, okay, well you have to build like a library. You know what I mean? It's like, okay, well, you have to build like a library. You know what I mean?

It's like you can't really leave that to the last day. It's not a fucking paper you can bullshit. And so he would literally just like spend like he would just not work, go to the fucking Greek coffee houses, hang out with his fucking friends who are all avoiding their families as well. And just like for seven days just not sleep and just like put together the most beautiful shit you've ever seen but then he's like completely drained in a bad mood fucking you know whatever or he'd fuck shit up because he's doing things last minute so so you know just the classic just just scatterbrained fucking immigrant like craftsman shit but what about your mom what did she do

my mom uh worked for uh she repaired oriental rugs she's really good at that thing that was like a real come off the boat like we'll pay you under the table you know they found this like uh hilarious egyptian dude who was just like who would who would only hire greek women for some reason so he just like thought their craftsmanship would only hire Greek women for some reason. So he just like thought their craftsmanship was good. Uh, and my grandma got that job, got my mom the job, got her friends the job. Yeah. Yeah. So my grandma worked there in the, in the seventies when they came over. Um, and that was on like, you know, 33rd street on East Baltimore. Um, and it was called Michael's rug gallery. And then my mom also did for years,

was a waitress on top of that. So she had like two jobs. My dad had his own business that was fucking always barely afloat. And so, you know, we spent a lot of time in rec centers, you know, the classic like, you know, shout out to Maura Crossman. I'm just going to get every Baltimore reference here.

I'd throw them all out, bro. If you're, if you're, this is going to be huge for reference here. I'd throw them all out, bro. Throw them all out. This is going to be huge for the Baltimore base of the honeydew because this is – we're going to do way more geographical shout-outs to Baltimore than we are hard punchlines this episode. Good point. Shout-out to Maura Cross when I went to John Rura Elementary School, but it was great. It was like – that's also the most fun because you're just like out there playing sports. You know, you don't, you know, you're just like, you know, it was a great, it was a really fun childhood. And I will give my parents credit.

I did not even know we were broke. Like my mom, the, you know, mom, I don't know how moms fucking do it. Where it's like she has three, you know, three boys constantly, all ravenous. We're all eating like fucking animals. And my dad is essentially a fourth child. He doesn't do shit. It's that immigrant shit of like, my mom does my laundry and cooks for me. Then I get married and my wife does my laundry and cooks for me.

There was never a gap. He literally lived in his mother's house until he got married. And then he lived with his wife. There was a gap. He literally lived in his mother's house until he got married. And then he lived with his wife. Like there's, yeah, no gap. And still, you go to Greektown, you'll see these fucking 30-year-old guys that you'll see in the shittiest little townhomes. Just a fucking tricked out Mercedes, a Porsche, or like whatever. Because it's like these guys live with their mom who does everything for them. And so they just like spend all their money on their car.

You know what I mean? So it's like you'll still see that in my neighborhood to this day um but uh yeah so it was just like um you didn't know you were poor yeah i didn't know i didn't know i was poor i had no idea until like fafsa when when it's like when you go to college and you have to federal student aid something. Okay. And they ask you all these like financial questions. And I'm like to tell you how much like, you know, how many loans you're going to get, how many like just free money you're going to get for being poor. And so, and I'm like, you know, I've spent my whole life doing paperwork for my immigrant family, right?

Like I was the oldest. So it's always like I'm translating shit. I'm always writing. I was writing letters for my mom when I was in fourth grade, you know, like that kind of shit. And so we're sitting down at the computer. And my mom's English is a lot better than my dad's. My dad's is like you couldn't even have a conversation with my father still. He's been in the country 40 years.

Procrastinating. He's procrastinating. I'minating i'm gonna learn it i'm gonna learn it he's yeah he's speaking at a i would say seventh grade level right now he's like he's like he's like it's like talking to a surly middle schooler like that's a little punk ass yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm not look you want to talk about lumber you want to talk about you know cabinets he can talk that that's the only shit he can talk about um so uh we're filling out fafsa and it's like um and they ask you like what's your net worth that's one of the questions and my mom says zero and i'm like no mom net i'm like i'm like she doesn't fucking fucking immigrant doesn't fucking know been in country, doesn't know what net worth means. And I'm like, no, it means how much money we totally have.

And she's like, I know it's zero. And I was like, what? We have no money? Like, I didn't think we had a lot, but we have zero money? How the fuck am I even alive? And it's like, it's a testament to her that I'm like, I'm 18 and it never dawned

on me that we're my parents are just massively in debt just making shit you know so uh so yeah credit to immigrant moms i don't know how the fuck they do it just like and we didn't even have that big a family either but she made it work man she she did everything he had two jobs talk about that because it's really important you say that because here's here are three kids who are clothed. You got a roof over your head with some heat. You say you might be eating Doritos and shit.

We were fucking up spam. I'll tell you that much. There's a lot of shit. There's a lot of shit. And that's another thing. It's like, I don't look. I'm doing okay. Podcasting has kind of become like this middle class. The one way you can become like a middle class like artist basically where it's like because before it was like you're either like a fucking millionaire you're either like going on arena tours you know what i mean you're like burr or something like that or you're like

you know barely scraping by maybe touring 40 weeks a year making like 80 grand and you still have a family it's fucking brutal podcasting i feel like for me anyway has like afforded me like a nice life right and i don't have kids thank god so it's yet so thank god thank god i couldn't deal with them yet but uh but it's like i think about that sometimes where I'm like, do I want my kids growing up knowing what real ramen is? You know what I mean? Because it's like everyone I knew who knew what ramen was before the age of 12, they're pieces of shit. You know what I mean? Like they're just like – so yeah, a lot of ramen.

I thought ramen was sick. I thought hot dogs were like – like Hebrew nationals. I was like, this is fucking prime rib. Not SK? You know what sk you know what i mean nah nah see that's what i'm saying yeah that's that's my mom like i was i was good to think like i created these class hierarchies because the other thing is like you know fucking baltimore it's like you have all these fucking white trash kids running around who are way, who are way like, like the immigrant thing is nice because we got lucky because we didn't have like the baggage of America, American like culture that just honestly has been failing poor people since the new deal was the last time we did anything

good for poor people in America. And ever since then, there've just been, you know, fucking them up. So like we had, we were poor, but it was like, we had an intact, like, you know, like family unit where like my mom would go above and beyond and do shit she shouldn't have had to do. Right. Like, that's the thing. It's, I'm not blaming the kids who's like parents couldn't handle it because like, you shouldn't have to go to work, go to your first job, take your kid to fucking soccer practice,

cook, clean, go to your first job, take your kid to fucking soccer practice, cook, clean, go to your second job, drop it. My mom would drive me to, you know, Baltimore city schools are fucking dog shit. There's all, you have to like get into like two good ones. Right. So you test into the school system. And if you're, if your test scores are good enough, you get to go to, you have the privilege of going to Roland park is where I went. Right? That's a half hour from my fucking house. So my mom drives me there, drives to work. Like that's an hour of her day. Takes me – my brothers couldn't get into that.

Couldn't get into that one. They weren't cutting the intellectual mustard. And so they had to go to – it's still a pretty good one, Southeast, but close to our house. So she's just bouncing around. That's where my cousins went, Southeast. That's exactly where they went. That school's hilarious. My brother, his first day of sixth grade, right?

He's like a nervous little, you know, you're still like a fat little fifth grader who's like scared. You're like, oh, what's middle school? And it'd be like, first day, he goes to the bathroom. A kid, this kid who had probably failed like four times in a row. He's like 16 years old, an eighth grader who's like got stubble. Who's driving. Yeah, he sees my brother. He's like, hey, yo, let me get your pants.

That's his first day in middle school. And my brother just fucking sprints back to homeroom, right? And by the way, that was the third best middle school in Baltimore City we're talking about, right? It's funny because my – you'll love this. So I want to talk about – like I was nowhere near poor but certainly did not have – And look, we were a little bit of class, right? Yeah, free lunch, of course. But I'm going to tell you this.

You'll like this. Sorry to fucking just that's the other thing about greek people and like their weird pride is like my mom wouldn't she was like you're not getting free lunch and i was like we call like i was like oh mom these people came on the form these people came in they said we we qualify you know we probably qualify we should check with our parents and she's like no you're not doing it she would like pay for lunch just like or she would be like i'll pack your lunch right because like she's she did it in like a it's not healthy thing but it's like she did it because she didn't want the stigma of like free in my opinion right but anyway sorry to cut you no no i because my mom had no problem getting those three kids she's like you're all going yeah yeah yeah just remember just feeling

humiliated because you would have to go the way it went in school where we were you'd have to go in the morning before school started and get in this line with all the other fucking poor kids yeah in front of everybody everybody knew what you were in there 100 because they had breakfast too that was the other thing some of the people in line had money to buy an orange juice and a cookie or a muffin or something to start their day but i'm waiting in line to get my free green fucking like just raffle ticket yeah yeah yeah yeah and then you have to hold it all day you can't lose that motherfucker yeah yeah you got to be responsible that's insane that they made little kids hold on to their tickets and then you get in line with everyone who has money to pay for their lunch.

And when you get to the register in front of everybody, you got to fucking. Use your voucher. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just remember being like, man, this feels like shit. Totally. And then I would scrape enough money together from like selling chocolates for Little League or whatever. And basically I'm eating them myself and using my lawnmmower money my cutting grass money oh oh i remember those

and um at the end of the week i would get my friday pizza i would get my lunch ticket but i bring like the buck 25 to get a double pizza hell yeah dude but then i felt like i was like cheating the system like here's this free ticket but also here yeah i would just be every friday like i couldn't enjoy my fucking right right wow the guilt the guilt the guilt that we put kids through and that's the other thing is like why the fuck are we why doesn't every kid just get free fucking real it's a fucking america yeah like it probably it would probably save you 0.001 of the lotto money and throw free lunch it's like it probably would save administrative time just being like we're not keeping track everyone gets it like fuck it it's all you can eat it's ridiculous yeah although the uh yeah my

first my mom would give us milk money right because she was just like you should have milk still it's funny how what a hold the milk industry had over America from like 1980 to like basically last year. And we can drink milk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything is milk. You're right. I can't believe how much milk we were drinking. I don't drink any milk.

I'm an oat milk guy now. You know, we've all gone almond and all that kind of shit. But you know what's funny, though? Everybody I know that really drank milk a lot growing up, they're tall as shit. It definitely has hormone. That sounds like Baltimore science to me, brother. It is funny, though? Everybody I know that really drank milk a lot growing up, they're tall as shit. It definitely has horror. That sounds like Baltimore science to me, brother. It is true, though. Hey, look, bro.

Why are you 6'3"? I drank milk, bro. Yeah, he drank milk over there. He's a milk drinker. He's drinking milk. I want to tell you this story because this is Baltimore mentality. This is what happened to my aunt. You'll know all these places.

My Aunt Marguerite is one of my cousins I talk about that went to Southeast. They lived on Macon Street. Oh, hell yeah. 308 South Macon Street. Right by where I grew up. Right where the train tracks are back there and the little basketball courts there. So that was where I ran around. That area.

Tracy's right there across the street. Okay. So she works at the Rite on eastern avenue all right she and a few ladies work there and um all of a sudden some money starts missing so the higher-ups accuse the uh register ladies of of stealing the you know skimming the register and shit yeah skimming off the top but it's adding up to a lot of money and they're like we're not fucking doing this we're not so my aunt marguerite gets a an an attorney and had to lawyer up because they told her and those rest of those ladies, I think there were four total, my aunt and three other ladies that if they don't take the lie detector test,

then they're going to lose their job. So the attorney said, listen, that's illegal. So let them, if they tell you, you have to take this test or you're going to lose your job take that test she goes are you lying did you steal the money she's like none of us took this money she's like then you'll pass and then we're going to sue the shit out of them for making you take that test i love it so they did and they all passed and then there was an internal investigation where they found out that the execs were the ones embezzling the money, trying to blame it on the ladies. Wow. Why would those assholes make them take a fucking lie detector test?

Crazy. My Aunt Marguerite gets 1.2. Wow. She's the ringleader. And the other ladies all get a million. Incredible. Here's Baltimore mentality. 308 South Macon Street.

They're like, we're getting the fuck out of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're fucking out of here. My yeah yeah Marjorie bought me a Panasonic 12 speed it wasn't even a 10 it wasn't even a 10 enjoy those two extra gears you're not poor anymore

that's that.2 million I got right there oh my god but what do they do? they fucking get a house and they move $1.2 million I got right there. Oh, my God. But what do they do? They fucking get a house, and they move. Finally, they get the good school system. This is all they wanted because they also are raising their grandkids. My Aunt Marguerite's son, I've talked about before, had a mental illness, schizophrenic. A classic Baltimore move.

Your grandma's your mom. Me too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they're with their – and they want to get their grandkids out of Southeast and into good school systems. And they throw two middle fingers up and they go right to Rosedale. Hilarious. So if you don't know because you don't, here's Baltimore City. Here's Rosedale.

It's the county. It's literally – it's two exits up on 95. That's where I played soccer. It was in the same. That's where they were. So they were still close enough. You could see it. You could see it.

So her whole story, they get a house, nice pool. They go to, what is it, Overly there maybe? I think Overly High there. Golden Ring Middle, Overly High. Golden Ring was still there. They would get on the bus to go up to Atlantic City. I want someone to do a spreadsheet of every specific Baltimore thing. I need to see

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Plus, it comes with a 20-day money-back guarantee. Start your new language learning journey today with Babbel. Right now, when you purchase a three-month Babbel subscription, you'll get an additional three months for free. That's six months for the price of three. Just go to B-A-B-B-E-L.com and use promo code HONEYDOO. That's B-A-B-B-E-L.com, code HONEYDOO. Babbel, language for life. Now, let's get back to the do. When it's all said and done, she was my grandmom's sister, and so we're all close. We're all extended family. And she's like, Ryan, our kids are out of the house now. We did it.

I'm going to move back. Because she kept the house on Macon and just rented it out. And she's like, I'm going to move back to Macon Street, and I'm going to die in Highland Town. And that's exactly what she fucking did. What a fucking soldier. That's exactly what she did. Died in the did on macon street she just eating crab chips not drinking shotgun wearing that little poodle running around probably

a nice short haircut it was it was a nice short haircut it was huge glasses big ass glasses and earrings a lot of floral prints love it dude they were all italian but so similar to the yeah oh that's so that's so fucking sick so hilarious that was it like we're out of here they went right there i know well there is that there's that total villager mentality for everyone scared a little bit scared to get too far it's all you know man it really is i mean i grew up that's what i find crazy about greek town right because it's like, no one is from, very few people are from like the same island. Like it's people from all over Greece, right? Whose families came, they carved out this little fucking, you know, niche of Baltimore.

And like, it's like, yeah, our families moved here so we could do whatever the fuck we wanted. Half the kids, more than half the kids I grew up with, still just live there is that right it's like don't yeah married each other like they left their families left villages in greece and they just created a village in southeast baltimore and it's like they all intermarry like all the kids i went to church with they just it's almost like what's your son it's almost like got a show called come tell oh my god i've heard my i overheard my mom talking to her friend on the phone and she's like It's almost like you got a show called Comptech. Don't subscribe. Oh, my God. I overheard my mom talking to her friend on the phone, and she's like – because my mom is so proud of me, too. She's one of those moms that, like, thought I was a genius.

Like, I thought I was – she thought I was going to be one of those kids that goes to, like, Harvard when he's 11. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Just thought – just because I was, like – I was good with language really early on, so I think people think people really think like that means you're a genius. It's like, no, that's just my only skill. I'm fucking stupid in almost every other aspect of life. But so she's talking to her friend and her friend has like, her friend's kids are insane, right? Like, these are some family friends who are like, they're all chemical engineers. all like you know they actually like moved to greece and then like left they were from new york actually moved to greece and then came back to south carolina weirdly because they just wanted a nicer climate but they didn't want to stay in greece she's this woman's from queens originally and she's like finally my mom's like because this is when things started going good because you know i've been doing i've been in stand-up since I was 19, 13 years, right?

And it's like I was always a good student. My mom used to brag about me. And then there was like a six-year black hole of bragging where I'm doing, you know, open mics in seafood restaurants. I'm fucking, you know. Did you star in Baltimore? I starred in Baltimore, yeah. Where? I did – well, McGoovies was the first club I worked.

Okay. well, McGoovies was the first club I worked, but, you know, just overall, you know, open mics in the, there was an open mic at this place, Red Roof Tavern in Canton. There was High Tops over in Timonium. They did stand up there?

They used to do stand up. It was a fucking dog shit show. It's like, one of those shows where there's, I hung out there with my daughter outside Sam Pitts.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. They have great wings. It was on wing nights, right? A lot of the high tops wings. And listen, it's a Sunday night show. TVs are showing Sunday night football. People are playing fucking pool in the back.

It's one of those shows where it's like 12 comics and then a headliner. You know what I mean? And when you first start, you're like, wow, one day I'll i'll fucking i'll be the guy that goes headline yeah exactly i'll make 125 and go 13th i'm gonna be next door to stay fair i'll come over when it's my turn dude but that was like you know you don't know any better you know and you're like that's fucking you know so there but then also d DC had a great scene. So I probably started, I started when I was in college and I did a few open mics around. And then I took, the immigrant guilt hit me.

So like for a year and a half, I was super into, I quit comedy again, super into school. Then I started going to therapy because I was like, I'm going fucking crazy. What the fuck? I just was wracked by guilt. And I literally had a therapist who was like you should just drop like drop out of college like you know what you want to do and i didn't because i was too scared but it was like that was still like the guilt of what immigrant guilt i'm the firstborn son i was on so you're letting your family down exactly i'm on school for on scholarship it's like

and look everyone who does comedy you have you have some like you have some like ego where you think you can do it but also i wasn't fucking stupid i know odds part of me is like this is a selfish pursuit and the odds of me the odds absolutely dude it's a hundred percent when people are like i just want to make people laugh it's like well no you don't you yeah you want to make people laugh you also don't want a real job you want to make people laugh. It's like, well, no, you don't. Yeah, you want to make people laugh. You also don't want a real job. You want to be the center of attention, and you want to get fucking rich and be on TV hopefully someday. You're not doing it to put a smile on someone's face.

You know what I mean? Like, we're doing it because it's, like, selfish. Also, you fucking give up relationships. Sure. Absolutely. Family sometimes. Absolutely. You go away from people.

It's a very selfish endeavor. In so many many ways i want to throw a big word out i love it you threw acumen out earlier did i all right nice you said your dad had no business acumen sorry a good thing we're we're friendly that's uh that's another sign of baltimore disrespect using too many syllables with a man you just met could end up in a switchblade fight. I'm so trying to impress. I'll show you some fucking. How's my stabbing acumen, you piece of shit? You think you're fucking better than me?

I could say acumen too. Who just told me? I was telling my stepson Derek you bet somebody told me this story oh it was a guy on a Patreon

that came on he was on a on the metro leaving Baltimore and he happened to be there the night the Freddie Gray riots

broke out he's like oh my god I lived in I was still in Baltimore when that happened were you? oh yeah yeah it was fucking

fucked up. He said he's on the train, and he said this fucking big black dude pulls a knife on another black dude on the train, and that black dude pulled his out. He's like, what the fuck's going on in Baltimore? They both got knives. And they're like, knife fight on the fucking train. Like it's a pirate movie. You're just circling each other. I'm like, you got to be ready for that.

Everybody else is just sitting there eating crab chips. Oh, yeah, yeah. You don't make eye contact. No, I don't. You just fucking go about your business. I'm going to get off this next stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly, exactly.

Oh, yeah. So the guilt. You started going to therapy. Why? I was so fucking unhappy. Was it a choice you made or was someone else? It was a choice. It was a choice I made.

Because I got to imagine your father's never been to therapy. Never. Would do him a world of good. Hilarious. Like these guys that like. How old's your dad now? My dad's 66. Is your mom how old?

Same, similar age. And are they still together? Again, one of those, they're roommates. Okay. They do live in the same place. Well, now they have yeah they they separate rooms at this point now that everyone's moved out and there are rooms and like it was literally like we grew up in a let's see how many bedrooms there was four bedrooms and there was uh two four six people so it's like my parents had a bedroom i was lucky enough to as the oldest i had my own

i think i was me and my grandma were the only two people that had our own rooms in that house and then my brothers had to share you know my they were twins so they fraternal so they they split that's me and my brother yeah you're about to make me cry yeah yeah so it was like it was fucking ellis island style in that house you know what i mean just like it's sharing a wall with my grandmother just beating off quietly no lock on the door my foot's on the bedroom door i'm just like barely touching my penis i don't want her to fucking not you know yeah yeah no dude it was fucking crazy it was just like we were so packed in there and so my i want to say i want to say this because you'll appreciate this too i was just back when i did the

show at uh jimmy's yeah um and i my um i take my daughter and eva with me right and i'm like i'm gonna take you over to my she's my my cousin, but she's really like, feels like an aunt because she's like in her 70s. You know what I mean? Like my dad's first cousin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I take her. See, Greek people just, we call that person an aunt. I always found it weird.

Aunt Patty. I always found it weird where people, I think technically that would make her your second cousin. Yeah. Or one. Which makes no fucking, she's an aunt. Yeah. She's like, she's not a cousin, but anyway. And she's little. And so I put, I not a cousin, but anyway. And she's little.

And so I put, I have a picture of my daughter. My daughter's seven. She's almost got her by like this much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I go get ready to time travel. And they go, what do you mean? And I go, she hasn't changed this house since she moved in in 1966. That's awesome.

And we go in and she lives on Hollabird Avenue. Somebody pin that one. Hollabird. In Dundalk right there on a row home. You can see this side of the street over here did some shit. These people did not do some shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.

Their handrails are rusty going up. Yeah, yeah. And when you walk in, it's that same little house that you know. The little tiny square living room right here. Yep. Little tiny dining room here. Kitchen here. immediately up the stairs here tight turn yeah yeah bedroom bedroom bathroom still with the black and white checkered floor oh my god and the stove doesn't work it's the same general electric stove like her fridge says frigidaire yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, this fucking place. The fridge outside is yellowed.

And it's like, how? All we needed was put a little carport top over so they could park in the yard. Right, right, right, right. There's no grass back there. Right, right, right. Yeah, no, those homes are fucking, yeah, and that's how Greek that is too.

It's like these little, we were talking about it a little bit before the show, but it's like these little houses, their architecture is dog shit. They're these little boxes that only – they were built – There's a square brick with homes cut into them. Literally. That's really it.

They only exist because they were off a trolley line and they needed somewhere to house iron workers. So it's like this old shit that does – it's like a vestige of a fucking, a city that doesn't fucking exist anymore. Like, uh, but you know, which the houses are dog shit, but I still,

part of me just loves the neighborhood, man. I can't, you know, I can't get away from it. As soon as I see it on TV, I'm like, that's Baltimore.

You know, right away. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's sick. Um,

but yeah, I mean, it was just the guilt of the, you know the fam immigrant shit of like and and i think growing up it's like your dad my dad would pin the like basically the hopes of like he kind of saw us as lottery tickets to get him out of his fucking situation and uh he never wanted you necessarily to go into work with him or anything like that no in fact he would threaten that as like,

you better fucking study or you'll end up like me type of shit. Oh, really? You know, like that kind of thing. Damn. He had a whole, he had a real like, you know, martyr complex. These fucking, you know, these immigrant dads that think their lives are the hardest in the world. They've never done a chore in their fucking life. You know what I mean?

They're just out there fucking always like, but that's the thing. When you go from your mother babying you to like your wife doing it, it's like, yeah, he's like, it's not like his life was easy, but it's like, it's not that hard. You've never washed underwear.

Yeah, exactly. You've never washed underwear. I would rather be, it's like, let's put it this way. My mom never like went and fucking sat in a coffee house and played cards with her friends for three days in a row right which you should have been working you know what i mean like yeah um so yeah so that was the guilt of it but i was just i felt so horrible because i was like i was good at school but i

hated it you know and i always just knew how to game the system like i was good at getting great good grades but it's not like i even studied that hard i just kind of you know like when i got to when i got to that middle school that i was telling you about where it's like like I even studied that hard. I just kind of, you know, like when I got to that middle school that I was telling you about where it's like the best, I went from being like the smartest kid in like my shitty little school to like every kid was smarter than me, like in that middle school. Like I was in the best. So I was like, I went from being like, and that's when kind of

I started honing the funny identity of like, well, I'm not the smartest kid anymore. I'm not some fucking nerd goody two-shoes that I thought, you know, when I was as, you know, so now it's like, let me cheat off these kids and let me, let me make them laugh. So they'll give me their homework and like, this is a much easier life, you know? Um, and so I was finally like, I was just like, I kept trying to force that, like, let me just get good grades. Let me do the traditional route of success. But I couldn't fucking do it. And eventually I just like, my senior year of college, I just kind of checked out.

So you said you went to UMBC, right? Yeah. So you actually went all the way. Did you graduate? Well, hilariously. Like guilt took you at least through three years of college? Well, here's the funny thing. I walked my graduation, right?

I ended up with like a 3.9 GPA, right? For high school? For college. Oh, for college. And, but I. Damn, dude. But I, yeah, it was, I just knew kind of how to like fucking, you know, whatever. It was, school was just like, you just had to time it the right way.

You had to game the system. School was just like, you just had to time it the right way. You had to game the system. But I never got, I still need six language credits. Because they, but they let you, they let you, if you have under, if you have the amount of credits you could do in a fucking lunatic would go through college and walk do everything and not get his degree and i was just like i don't fucking want to do this and i knew greek by the way i could have tested out i was about to say but i was about to say you had to go to new york and set up a whole fuck you can't do that shit online right now for you i probably could you easily could but i just find i think it's funnier to almost graduate and never do it.

It'd be better to register for it, set it all up, and then never do it. Now that I live in New York, dude, that's the only thing. Why are you showing up? Like, nah. So, yeah, I technically never graduated. And I lied for years. I was a paralegal for years. I just lied about having a degree. No one fucking checks. You were a paralegal. I was a paralegal for years. I just lied about having a degree.

No one fucking checks. You were a paralegal? I was a paralegal at a very shitty law firm. Yeah. What's some of the wild shit you saw come through there? Dude, so my friend worked there, right? And I didn't really have any idea what the law firm was really like. But I was in the midst of saving up money to move to New York.

And I was actually working at the CCBC Catonsville, count it, testing center. And it was a fun job. It was really easy. You just had to like sit there and make sure like nurses that were taking, you know, continuing education courses didn't cheat on their online tests, basically. That's what it was there for. But you didn't make that much money. And my friend was a paralegal. And he was like, yeah, it pays this much. I don't remember what it was. But at the time, it was like more money than I'd ever made. And I was like, fuck it.

I can do that. But it was basically a foreclosure mill where it was like – and none of the – they weren't doing any Maryland law. It was this weird scam where they got lawyers who were barred in florida which apparently is like the easiest like just the fucking dumbest lawyers who can't get barred anywhere else sounds right get barred in florida and so all these guys all these guys lived in maryland but were barred in florida and were just doing foreclosure law firm law and it was like and it was during the during the aftermath of the housing crisis and i was like i don't want to be a part of this this is fucking bullshit like i'm not i was like i'm not gonna fucking just like help banks take homes from people that were like tricked into getting these loans so i was like i'm just gonna work for

like i was like i i worked for i was getting trained and when it all when i figured out this was the only law these people did and the whole thing was a scam to employ the dumbest lawyers. I mean, there were some cool guys there, but most of them were fucking, you know, mongoloids over there. You know what I mean? They were just like, like, and that was important for me because I went there. I was like, oh, lawyers are fucking idiots too. Like I was like, cause you know, you grow up and you're, it's like a esteemed position. Lawyers, doctors, all this.

It's like, yeah, just like everything else. Half of those people are fucking morons that's what they say you know what they call the guy who finished last in medical school doctor yeah yeah yeah exactly the dumbest doctor is a doctor yeah yeah there's you know there's plenty of smarter people than them so i just kind of checked out i was like i'm not gonna do shit and this place was so like weirdly run and like poorly managed that they didn't really like notice for like seven months. So I was just. That you weren't.

I got hired in like, I got hired in like August. And I did work for like, you know, a month until I kind of figured out the lay of the land. And then I was like, I don't want to be a part of this. And I just was like, all right, well, I might get a paycheck or two out of it by the time they put it together but then it went through like the holidays and once you get to thanksgiving no one fucking no one's gonna do anything from thanksgiving to december right then i got to fuck it then it's like all right i'm looking around i'm like all right it's january the fuck they didn't fire me till march of that year. So I was just in there. My boss would walk by.

I would like touch my computer to like make it look like it was, but it wasn't even logged in. Like the screensaver would pop off and it would be like, start your day or whatever. And I just would take two hour lunches. I would just, I wasn't doing shit. And that was the best job I've ever had. Because I was like, hey, I'm fucking, I'm Robin Hood over here. I'm stealing time from this law firm.

I'm obstructing. I'm obstructing these, you know, fucked up housing seizures. And I was just writing all day. I was just, that was one of the times I got the best at comedy. Because I would wake up. I'd have to be in, physically be in at work. So I'd start my day at like 8 a.m., get up. I was writing all day.

You know what I mean? Like I was writing comedy. I was like on Facebook, like networking, messaging people back when Facebook was the social media everyone used. I was like fucking just, it was great. Twitter, I was back in the day, this is how fucking long ago it was. I was tweeting from my, I would text my tweets to a number. I don't think – I had a – I didn't get a smartphone until late.

And it was just like – it was great, man. It was like a fucking – an incredible time in my life where I was just like stealing money from this horrible law firm, which by the way, the owner of just – they sued them for unlawful practices and the guy killed himself he just shot himself in the office not in the office my friend got fired I ain't getting my security deposit back so yeah dude my friend got fired because a female boss

sexually harassed him and he called it out and they just fired him there was a just there was a there was a law there was a there was a lawyer who would just who would like

the hot secretary so he'd be like hey I'll fucking I'll fucking put your case to the top of the line if you show me your pussy and it's just like

this is just the most dirtbag in Rosedale actually in the place of your family's dreams your dream home man it was just the most Philadelphia oh yeah oh Sam overall over there on Philadelphia literally on Philadelphia Road not even kidding with you it was a shitty and it was just the most unlawful shitty

fucking law firm people were fucked like it was just they employed the most trash and there's these fucking disgusting white trash girls are like okay people were fucking in the parking lots and shit it was just like fucking trashy dude it was awesome but they. But they weren't on to me for fucking months. They were too busy doing everything else. Yeah, yeah. I made so much money just doing nothing over there. It was great. And then I had enough money.

I moved to New York the next year. I saved up a bunch and then moved. Have your parents been to see you perform live? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, my mom. They have. My mom has more recently um but i'm interested they think of

what you do you know or how you do it let's say that sure well you know they're not they don't really check in that much you know they don't listen to come down they're not they're not subscribers god no no no one should but especially not my fucking parents. But, oh, that's the story I was telling where she's bragging to her friend and she's talking about, yeah, he's doing very good, you know, like all these. And then he's got this show with his friends and a lot of people listen. And then I just hear a pause and she's like, it's called the calm down and just all the wind out of her sails just fucking drops she can describe it when it comes to the actual thing she was fucking devastated but but my mom is just so insanely supportive

and actually when i was at that at that paralegal job she didn't know i wasn't doing shit she thought i because i i had moved i was i moved back home when i got that job because i was like if i'm gonna work a full-time job and do comedy i'm just gonna eat sleep work comedy there's no reason to have my own place there's no reason to spend money i'm just saving up to move to new york so i was like fuck it i. I'll move back home. I'll do that. I'll swallow my pride and just do that. And my mom saw me wake up. I would wake up every morning early. I would go to work. She didn't know I wasn't doing shit there, but I would come home, eat dinner, drive right to DC every night for a year and a half. So she was like, oh, because she thought she my mom thought i was smart but she always knew i was a little lazy so she thought oh he wants to do comedy just gonna

go out get drunk be a boy like she thought it was that shit but then she saw how i was actually working basically two jobs and commuting basically every night to dc for better stage time and i think for her it clicked she was like oh he's not fuck this happens to be the thing he actually wants to do would I prefer if he was a fucking lawyer or you know whatever just something sure but she was happy

that like I was really working hard and ever since then she's been super supportive and it's easy too because I made enough money where I can be like alright let me fucking help you out here it's like that's really the turning point what's that feel like to be able to help your parents? Insane. I mean, the house I bought in Baltimore was because my family, like, yeah, on some level,

it's an investment and it was really cheap. Like, let's be honest. I'm not, you know, I'm not fucking a millionaire over here, but a Baltimore house costs what, what a quarter of a down payment costs in LA or New York. So it was affordable, but I bought it because my, my family was still living like that. And it's like the way we grew up. It's like my little brother was still living with them. My grandma was still there. They were all kind of at each other's throats.

And where'd you buy the place? Literally a block, a block behind and two blocks over, like from where we grew up. So now my bro, at first my brothers were both living there. Then one of them moved out. He got a job in like, you know.

You bought a home for your family. Yeah, exactly. Because I was like, you guys need to- Three generations, your grandmom, your parents, and your brothers. And so my brothers moved- That's fucking fantastic. No, my parents stayed in that house. I know it probably cost you $125,000.

It cost me nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They stayed in that house. I know it probably cost you $125,000. It cost me nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Phil, they got a fucking house. My brothers lived there and I was like, you guys need to get away from our parents. So I bought that. And then I redid my mom's. My mom and my grandma have a little- So they kept that house, the original one too?

They still live there. And my brothers moved to the other one. Then one of my brothers moved in with his girl in Columbia, somewhere out there. He got a good job over there. He's a personal trainer and and uh and fitness coach strength coach and uh um so yeah that was cool and then i redid my mom's uh her little her my grandma stayed in like they turned my brother's room into like their little girl cave you know what i mean they have like recliners they watch greek cooking shows all the time so for christmas this year i remodeled that shit i paid off my mom's debt if that felt awesome

you know what i mean uh and it's also hilarious because you're like you realize again this is how not to get too fucking i'm really not a political i'm trying not to be a political guy but it's like you just see the realities of people's lives and it's like the amount of money my mother like kept her up at night was really not that much, but it's like poor people just cannot get under like $5,000 that could like ruin a person's life. And they could, and it's like in the grand scheme of things, like that's, you know, you could save up, you could do a couple of shows, whatever, like it's possible to make that money. But it's like when your whole life is just survival and you just have to get your kids out, you have to worry about your elderly mom it's like that i

was like jesus christ how many people have it like worse than my mom yeah who just don't have who's you know son didn't get lucky with a fucking podcast you know what i mean yeah yeah so it was really fucking it was really fucked up to realize like god damn it's like most people thousand bucks you just like keep them from upward mobility and it's just it's insane but it felt incredible that felt awesome for sure and uh you know that's a dream come true story that's the dream and thank god my family's from baltimore so it's the overhead is low and when you grow up poor, your dreams are pretty achievable. Right there. All right. I want to get to, because we got to wrap up here soon. Sure.

I want to hear this story about how you tore your, what was it? Your planner fashion? My planner fashion. Yeah, it's funny. I respect. It's so funny to come to LA and do podcasts, and you guys try so much harder than everyone in New York. Everyone in New York is just like, fucking, we record our shit. The studio, you guys have prompts.

You thought about it. We're counting it. Yeah, everyone's just like, we press record. We're like, all right, an hour. Let's fucking do it, and then let's leave. The podcasting culture is so the differences are stark but uh no i was thinking about it because it's like you know uh i don't i haven't i can't compete with some of the tragedies that people have turned around like funny here you know what i mean

but i did have a horrible time a couple years ago um i was at I suffered a foot injury I tore my plantar fascia in the most embarrassing way it was at the Skanks Fest basketball tournament what did you do? it was

nothing you and Segura you and Segura should never be on a court dude it was like it wasn't his level of like

how hilarious the like how severe and hilarious the fall was but it was like i was just playing about i was playing basketball against like fuck it it was literally steve rain is easy and ari shafir not exactly athletic titans you know what i mean it's like it's like

i was like i couldn't i couldn't keep those keeping up with those guys i was like fucking i just i was just playing, I just, I was just playing a game of basketball and I just hear a fucking on my foot. That's it. Heard a pop and I was like, oh, that feels weird. But I was still kind of had like the adrenaline. Where do you feel it? Bottom of my foot.

Like center? Kind of center. But I still had that adrenaline and it just kind of felt like maybe I like, you know, I used to, I played a lot of sports growing up. So I was like, oh, maybe I pulled some weird muscle on the bottom of my foot. Kind of like when you pull a hamstring, it's like, when it first happens, you can still kind of like go, because it's still warm. And then I just figured like, ah, I'll be fucked up. Like I might have to go home and ice it. I was still thinking like, I'm going to go home, ice it. I'll be back for the shows that night. Right. I was also going

to meet up with this girl. I was stoked. You know what I mean? So I was like, oh, I have a great night ahead of me. I get home and once the like adrenaline wears off, excruciating pain. I'm like, whoa, this is fucking weird. I ice my shit up. I don't have insurance at the time. So I'm just like, I'm not going to go to the fucking hospital. So I just make a, I'm just like, all right, I'll make an appointment with a podiatrist. This guy's like, yeah, you fucking, and I have to go to some weird as you know insurance i have to go to some like just a guy who had an mri machine in his basement he's like you might want to hit this guy up he does mris for 250 i'm like say no more brother it was like some fucking weird medical office and i'm like oh cool and then you just go to a basement it's like just a guy.

And I'm like, oh, this is not affiliated with these doctors, is it? And it was just like, anyway, I go get a fucking bottom of the barrel MRI. They're like, yeah, this shit is complete. You just, it's so, the plantar fascia is like the bottom of your foot. It's kind of like it connects the back and the front. It's kind of like a band that connects them. And I just snap that shit. and there's really no does it make your foot like just drop or anything or is it just painful it was just really fucking painful and i just can't put any weight on i

couldn't put any weight on it and uh you know i live on the on the on the third floor of a walk up there's no you know there's no like is there's no easy way to get up and down. And the guy was just like, your best bet might be just like, you know, four to six weeks of complete rest, just stay up on it. Don't do shit and come out of it. Like, and then you will put a walking boot on all this shit. But like, I mean, you know how crazy we all went during the pandemic? Imagine if you have a pandemic and the whole world just keeps going. So it's like, there was none of the freeing of like, well, I'm not accomplishing anything,

but everyone else, neither is anyone else. This was like, I fucking, I have to be in my house and shit is just starting to go right for me, right? I've started headlining, you know what I mean? I had a big tour coming up and I was booking it and I was like, fuck, am I going to even be able to go on this tour? And dude, I just fully lost my mind. I was so bored. I was so sad. I was so depressed. I had this relationship that was on again, off again. And I was like, one day I was like, let's fucking,

let's do it. Let's make, this will really fucking. And then the next day I had like a panic attack. I was like, we can't talk. I'm sorry. speak to me you know what i mean i'm just like i'm ruining relationships i'm fucking i'm taking so much i'm getting so bored i'm taking like i did a quarter of mushrooms in my home on my couch just losing my mind. Just fully like, I'm trying to watch Thor Ragnarok. I'm like, I watched Thor Ragnarok one night on edibles the first night. I was like,

this movie rocks. And I was like, let me watch it on fucking acid. First I watched it on mushrooms. Then I watched it on acid. I'm just laying there. I'm experiencing. Is it three different movies?

Dude, that was an insane experience. It wasn't good, but it wasn't a bad trip. It was just like I was on a roller coaster that I was not ready for, where I was just like, I'm imagining myself as a two-dimensional cartoon. I'm like, ding, ding. Everything's in black and white. I was like, I'm feeling like I'm just on some weird,

just like I don't even know, just on some weird, just like, I'm, I don't even know how to experience, I explained it. I was just like, I'm, I'm hanging on for dear life. And it's like, I'm aware that I'm in my living room and there's a movie, but it's like, that is not, that is not what's important to me at the time. And I was just like, I got fat as shit. Yeah. I just don't do good without like, and it was just horrible. It was just like, I can't, I just, I just don't do good without, like, and it was just horrible, dude, it was just, like, I can't, I just, I just, like, I went, and then, so I'm cooped up for six weeks, I'm fucking

losing my mind, I've alienated, like, a girl that I would go, we would go, we would, like, patch things up and go on the date, but I did a lot of fucking damage in that time that just, our relationship never recovered from, I don't and uh and then i'm like i go right into a tour and it's just like i got a walking boot on i'm i'm like i'm out baby i'm getting fucked up every single fucking night i'm eating like complete though i get so fucking i get fat as hell i'm just like the i'm um my penis will not I have to take so many dick pills that like my head is a balloon. You know what I mean? Like you could just like, if you pressed on my eyeballs, like fucking air would come out through my nose and ears.

You know what I mean? Like just to get my dick even to 70%. And I'm just with a walking boot on getting sucked off by some girl at a hotel. Just like this rocks. You know what I mean? Drunk as shit off a bacon cheeseburger. Just, I mean, oh my God. It was such a fucking horrible time.

My friends are losing their mind. At the same time that I'm going through this, my friends, the podcast is so weird because the guys are coming to my apartment and recording but i'm losing my mind uh my nick my friend nick is having like his own weird like i asked like you know mental shit going on so i'm worried about him he's literally like losing it i'm like and i don't even care i'm like great i don't awesome i'm like life's over i don't fucking care i'm just right i'm like i'm like i'm good everything is uh everything is just slipping away from me and it was just like i don't know man it

was it was one of the worst just a horrific six to twelve weeks because then it's like i get out of there i go on this tour then the tour ends and i'm like just I have to basically like go into like fat rehab where I'm like go to Baltimore make sure your brother like works out with you like you can't be around drugs you can't do any of that stuff and that's I'm on and unfortunately that's the cycle of my life

where it's like that happened to me at the pandemic too where I was like at the end I got really healthy I lost a bunch of weight I went did all this I got fat as hell doing basically the same thing and then lost a bunch of weight then I'm feeling great going this tour went buck fucking wild the tour and now I'm like now I'm like still on the road I'm like I need to go back I need to get the fat rehab again I need to check into Maryland it will do that's what I'm saying so So it's just, it's a cycle of just like forced isolation that makes me go crazy. I get a fucking, you know, gain a bunch of weight.

And then I just fucking, I'm excited, man. Once this tour, I'm pumped for the tour. It's going to be great. I hope everyone comes out to see me. The shows are really fun. It's creatively really fulfilling to do something new. Because the last tour, I was trying to fine-tune my hour so it's a lot of like trying new joke trying old jokes trying little tags tinkering

but it's mostly the same shit this is like i'm trying to fucking create an hour out of fucking nothing so it's really like it's scary but it is like you're performing you're trying you're you're super aware every second trying to like so the shows are fun but i cannot wait to just be done with it and just take like i might i might be going for like three months just in a cabin somewhere fucking eating good like you know working out all this kind of shit that's my that's my dream is like i would love a cabin where i could just go you know fuck off to and then also have like a weird barn gym where I just get, just come back to New York weirdly jacked. You know what I mean?

Like just fucking my hair, just keep growing my hair out, come with like a full, full ponytail just like fucking, what's up? What's up guys? Just like that. Dude, thank you for coming on here and doing this. Of course, bro. This is great. This has been a long time coming, man.

I know. I'm so happy to be able to do it. Yeah, man. on here of course this is great it's been a long time coming i know i'm so happy to be able to do it uh yeah man um i ask everybody i mentioned to you before at the top uh before we recorded 16 year old me what advice would you give dude you're 16 i've been thinking about this because i've just uh i would just say you're a cute kid that's all i would say because i went back i was looking like this is the most i've ever fucked in my life. And I, like, I know I've got a,

you know, I got a thing about me. I'm a, I've got, I'm a charming guy. I'm entertaining. Physiologically, no one's fucking me

because of the way I look, right? I've got a diner owner aesthetic going on. I own it. I like it. I think it's funny to have, you know, long balding hair. I think it's funny to

be fat as shit with a little mustache. That's the other thing I love about you is you don't take yourself seriously. You had a tooth missing for a long fucking time. I had a tooth missing for two years. Yeah, yeah. That's the other thing. Before I broke my plantar fascia, I had the tooth had popped out and I had like a weird cancer scare in my jaw where I had a growth that a doctor, one dentist, like when he saw the x-ray, like turned white in the face and was like, oh, you have to go to a normal surgeon right now. So I thought I was going to die for a while. It was a benign tumor, thank God.

But yeah, so that I was toothless. I had a fucking biopsy. My shit was all fucked up but yeah dude i was i was looking at that i was looking at my i one of my best friends got married and she was my substitute prom like my girlfriend at prom this girl i was dating like just like i found out was cheated on me like right before prom so my best friend christina we grew up together she came in last minute it's like all right i need the kids in my school to think a hot girl who's like just come her dad owned a car dealership we roll up in like a bright orange uh smart car back when those were

like a super novelty you know um and i was looking at our prom pictures because she i actually just officiated her wedding and i was looking at our prom pics because I actually just officiated her wedding. And I was looking at our prom pictures and I was like, this is a fucking cute kid. I was so self-conscious, full head of hair. I thought I was fat, dude. I would fucking cut off my left toe to look to be as fat as I thought I was in fucking high school. And that's all I would say because I was so self-conscious about my body. And now it's probably gone the other way where I could say because i was so self-conscious about my body and now it's probably gone the other way where i i could probably use a little more self-consciousness

dude i was because i i want to lose weight because i feel bad right like i physically have been like i've been getting so fucked up and eating like shit that i was just like wake up every morning and i just don't feel good but like i look in in the mirror, I'm like, hell yeah, dude. I love what you're doing over there. I'm just fat as shit, but I think I look awesome. I have a little too much body confidence now maybe, but that's all I would say to my 16-year-old self because I think I'm paying for a lot of those hangups now, right?

Because it's like you're always like relationship stuff is hard for me it's like you know i i've been like you know at a certain point you get to the point where it's like at a certain age it's not cool to fuck all the time it's pathological you know what i mean so it's like i'm trying to get out of that like mindset and like be more of just like i think i'm paying for like the not feeling desired as a younger kid or feeling self-conscious about my body and not making those connections younger like that. My first girlfriend, serious girlfriend wasn't until late in college. And even my first really good relationship that I really tried super hard on wasn't until three years of my last relationship, like three years ago. So I think a lot of that body stuff like kind of kept me self-conscious, kept me from like exploring the regular life parts of stuff that then once you go into standup, like we were talking about earlier, that kind of gets put on the back burner anyway. So now I'm like this fucking 30 year old guy, who's like, what do I even want out of a relationship? You know what I mean? So I'm

going through all this like psychological, you know know big picture questions where it's like if i had just gotten sucked off a couple more times at 17 if i was just just down there over on merit boulevard getting sucked off if i just if i just let the because i went to roland park it was like mostly i was like you know it's like 10 white white. It's mostly all of Baltimore City Public Schools. It's like mostly black kids. But there's this one white trash girl who like did her bangs like, you know, that like curled over. They stayed there too. Stayed there, fucking whatever.

It was so funny because it was almost like we could have like paired off like cartoons where it's like, you know, like Alvin and the chipmunks, all their girlfriends are like just girl versions of them at our middle school. It was like, yeah, some chubby, some chubby white trash girl with huge tits. It was like, that should have,

I think I heard she had a crush on me, but I was like, so self-conscious that I was like, well, I don't know what to, I just think about what if I had just seen those big white trash titties, you know what I'm saying? Like in,

in eighth or ninth grade, there are women now, when I go back to Baltimore to tell me like they had this crush on me white trash titties, you know what I'm saying? In eighth or ninth grade. There are women now, when I go back to Baltimore, to tell me they had this crush on me. I'm like, why? Come on. Why wouldn't you tell me that? I would be just... Back when you were jerking off next to Grandma's room with the foot on the door. With the silencer over my dick.

I'm spoofing. I put a spoof over my dick I'm just beating off but yeah that's my advice who knows if getting jacked off in 9th grade what the trajectory of my life would be maybe I'd be just a happy small business owner with

3 children I would never do comedy I wouldn't feel the need to prove anything who knows but that's my advice believe in yourself and that's the advice i give to so many you know whenever you know there's a lot of a lot of little plus-sized boys are in my dms being like what do i what do i do and i'm like bro just you're you're good enough brother you just got to believe in yourself right now but yeah um well thank you thank you for being here of course plug whatever you want again please yeah. Come see me on the road.

Go to stavi.biz slash tour, S-T-A-V-V-Y dot biz slash tour. A lot of stuff coming up. Like I said, SF, Vancouver, we'll see Chicago, St. Louis, all these dates. I'm doing a run through the South. Go to stavi.biz, Instagram, Stavi Baby 2, and TikTok now, StaviBaby2, and Twitter, StaviBaby. So that's all the stuff. Yep. Well, thank you, brother.

And it's special when it comes out. Yes. Thank you, bro. Ryan Sickler on all social media, RyanSickler.com. We'll talk to you all next week. I'm out.