The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Steve Simeone

Episode Date: May 25, 2020

My HoneyDew this week is Steve Simeone! Steve returns to The Dew to talk about what a terrible athlete he was and The HoneyDew of all roommates, Fat James! This is such a fun ep with so many laughs! Make sure you subscribe to my YouTube channel & be ready to watch The Dew there next toozdee, June 2nd!

You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here at Studio Jeans doing it at your mom's house. I'm Ryan Sickler. The website is ryansickler.com. Go sign up for the email list. Um, and let's have a moment here cause I want to talk to you guys and have a real

moment for a second. This is my last episode here in the YMH studio. So I want to say, first of all, thank you to everybody. Tom, Christina, Dr.

Drew, the Dob, Chris, Annie, Zolo, everybody here that's helped out. Uh, I appreciate everybody. You guys are the shit. Drew, Nadav, Chris, Annie, Zolo, everybody here that's helped out. I appreciate everybody. You guys are the shit.

Thank you all the YMH fans. I'm not leaving the channel or anything like that. You'll find me under the featured channels with Tom and Christina over there. But I'm just saying thank you. Moving next week, actually, will be episode one at the new studio. And I hope you like it. I didn't cut corners. You'll see what I'm talking about in a little bit.

So the video will be moving to my YouTube channel, which is YouTube dot com slash our sickler. You can go and in a link here describing the show, there'll be a link there at the end of the show. You can click on a link. Also, when you click on my featured channel under YMH, it'll take you there anyway if you don't know how to find it. All right?

iTunes. I know it's a fucking issue. I've been dealing with it for five months. Know every single one of you that hits me up and tells me about it. Do I like it? No, I don't like it. So what I did was show you the bullshit you have to deal with sometimes. I posted the email they sent me. If you're having a problem and you've got free time during the quarantine, Hey, look and see what they say to do. If enough people report it,

maybe they'll get at it and fix it. All right. I'm trying my ass off to get it fixed. It's ridiculous, but I'm trying. So yes, I'm aware. Yes, I'm trying. No, I'm not stoked about it. So yes, I'm aware. Yes, I'm trying. No, I'm not stoked about it. What else I want to tell you about? There's no stand-up schedules. This motherfucking quarantine hair continues to grow.

And thehoneydopodcast.com is where you can get all the honeydew info. All right, you know that. And I can't thank you enough. Again, you guys, not only for your support but for fucking night pants nation i'm telling you you guys are buying the shit out of night pants i saw a stat the other day that pajamas are up like 140 or something like that so i know we're contributing to that shit sales and jeans are down there you know what i mean like we are contributing to the sale of night pants and i can't thank you enough for that um the honey do with y'all okay that's gonna release the first episode will be thursday june 4th it's my patreon

show where i talk to you guys i've already recorded an episode i started with a friend of mine back home just to get the kinks ironed out and everything we want to be running smooth when we get to you guys i'm reading through your emails now. I will be contacting some of you, and we'll do some episodes together. I'll be blasting links out. You'll see it. It's $5 a month. That's it. One tier.

Not doing anything else. You'll get an episode a week, and that'll be starting Thursday, June 4th, and then every Thursday after that. So you'll get audio on Mondays. You're going to get video onuesdays of the honeydew and then on thursdays you're gonna get video patreon the honeydew with y'all okay okay um this show has been one of the my favorite things to do i love sitting down with people hearing about their stories i love sitting with old friends and finding out shit I didn't know even about them.

Or maybe they weren't ready to tell me then. I say these are the stories behind the storytellers. And today's guest, ladies and gentlemen, has brought us a list. And not only did he bring us a list, he brought us some motherfucking donuts. All right, a dozen Dunkin' Donuts. He is human Prozac. Here he is, back on the honeydew, y'all. Steve Simone, everybody. How are you, buddy? How are you, buddy? dunkin donuts he is human prozac here he is back on the honeydew y'all steve simone everybody how

are you buddy how are you buddy i'm good i needed this i know this is so good to see i know i just want to hang out with you might as well sit down and talk about put a microphone in front of us but let's just well i want to tell everybody um first of all please plug whatever you want and then we'll get at how i got not just my podcast good times good times which is literally a good time i've done it a couple of times yeah i want to get you back on i'll do it anytime you want i just need to hang out with buddies i know it's it's it's getting to be a lot um but you called me yesterday i know obviously we record these at different times but yesterday morning you called me and i was early I had my daughter I didn't get it and I call you back and you're like hey man

I'm going on YMH today and I was like are you going in the studio you're like yeah I'm like good for you that'll be really good for you and you're like they want me to talk about wrestling and I just start laughing right away but then you said you're so nice you're like I want to bring them some food do they have any dietary restrictions i'm like it's tom and christina like they don't really have dietary restrictions and here at ymh if you put i'll bet you the last buffet after the coronavirus would exist here they'd be tearing it up out there show these rejects oh yeah all in here here's the shit nobody eats from sizzler these guys would tear it up out there well I didn't know how many people worked here. I talked to Nadav, and he was like, there's going to be seven people.

But then I didn't want to bring something and have people be like, I'm allergic. You know what I mean? Of course, you are considerate. You think about that. Yeah, I just wanted to bring a hug people could eat. Yeah, that's nice. Yeah, so I went to my favorite pizza place and my favorite Italian deli. And that's what I wanted to do for you. I wanted to bring you sandwiches from Domingo's. but we're doing this so early in the morning i'm like

surprise donuts tell look this is today i told nadav when i walked in it's 9 30 a.m yeah it's nine motherfucking 30 a.m this is the outside of like morning radio shit this is the earliest comedy i've ever done and i was so excited to fucking see you. Rolling into Mr. T-shirt. Yeah, I love that shirt. I love it. So you were here yesterday in the studio talking about wrestling and stuff. Yeah. And you and I were talking a little bit.

Because I, as a kid, I loved wrestling too. Yes. And I asked you, and I followed it probably. I stopped when all that, like it got NWO and all that. I just sort of stopped not long after Andre the Giant got bad. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The glory years.

Yeah, those years. Like, we're very lucky to have grown up in a time when it was at its peak. Like, Undertaker coming in and winning was the end. That was where I stopped. Yes. And everything after that i was like whatever but always respected it all and and i grew up like i'll never forget man it was it's one of the things my dad was going to take us to see andre the giant against this guy called killer

khan yeah that yes at the baltimore civic center and my brother and i did something we were probably like seven or eight and i don't remember what the fuck it was, but we got in trouble. My dad's like, go inside, and you sit on that chair, and you sit on that chair. I remember it being a warm summer day or a warm day. He was out in the garden doing shit. He's like, I'm not taking you to the wrestling match. And we're like, and we sat on those chairs, and we kept waiting.

Like, he's going to take us. He's going to take us. And he never fucking took us that night. And we were like, God damn, that's serious. You know what? But you know what? First of all, as a dad now, if my kids fucked up, like, thank God, I don't need to drive them to the city tonight.

Fine. Park. You know, all the shit that goes into that. Taking two fucking kids to go see wrestling, you know, with all those people around. Oh, my dad. Baltimore Civic Center. And back in the day. Oh, day okay i can get into all that with my dad so um but i but it dawned on me i asked you when did you realize it was fake and for me it was like i played sports my whole life and i was probably like 10 or 11 maybe a little younger like that santa claus type thing

where he goes ryan if we're wrestling and I grab you and I throw you against the ropes, what would you do? I said, well, I should, I'd grab the ropes and hold on. So I don't bounce off. And he goes,

exactly. And then I was like, who said that to my dad? He's like, this is how, cause he would always say the second guy coming out, it's going to win. We're like,

how does he like every time? And, and then when he said that, like, yeah, of course I'd grab the fucking ropes and not bounce off so you could close line me or put a boot in my face and that's when i realized oh that guy doesn't have to come back and i was like oh son of a bitch it's fake it is fake but i know the shit

gets real in the ring and all that yeah so i don't even know i don't even know how to approach this because you talk about honeydew moments so my biggest fear is how they're going to edit it like i can't wait to see how it comes out but like wrestling fans are so passionate that i talked to joey diaz about it and he was like dog i don't mess with wrestling fans i'm like uncle joe he doesn't mess with wrestling fans of all the shit yeah everything he's done prison inmates and all of it he goes dog i don't mess with rap those people are passionate and the thing is like i feel blessed like and i honestly use that word because i caught wrestling and what i would call the golden the glory years like that build up to wrestlemania that was a huge deal for me it was yeah it was boblund loses to Iron Sheik. Hulk Hogan comes in and wrestling is reborn into this huge.

Hulkamania. Yeah, Hulkamania takes it. And that's pretty much where I got off the train. I was on the Hulkamania. Yeah, me too. But then I got back on in college, right after college, when the Monday Night Wars. And that was incredible.

I think that was the last time it was magic like and i knew it i knew what it was then the business was exposed as they said but so now you're appreciating all the choreography and all the storylines yeah the the storytelling is something i've always always admired but getting back to like the legitimacy of it, I guess it was something my dad enjoyed sharing with us. Because he would take us to the Philadelphia Spectrum. And I do remember you talk about all that chaos. I remember there was a ramp that cars would drive down to get into the Spectrum. But it was Iron Mike sharp walking.

There was a hotel across the street from the spectrum and iron Mike shark is smoking a cigar, just walking down and wrestling fans were giving them the business. Yeah. And I remember I was like, Oh my gosh. Like, I mean,

I think these are gladiators walking into that. And then he gets into it with a fan. And then there's just a whiskey bottle that gets thrown at him. Like my dad's like, time to go, buddy. Yeah. And my mom's with us. And she was like, what are you taking the boys to? He's like, babe, this is part of our culture. It's an aspect of culture. It's not high culture, but it's culture. It's like, don't worry. I'll take them to the symphony after this. We went to the symphony um and i remember that electricity and i remember like even my dad like talking to the security guard guy like and he was just like you're fine tonight because roddy piper isn't wrestling but he goes when roddy comes to town don't bring the kids because he makes it near riot that was one of your close friends

yeah so it's um there's so much to it like i remember when it started to dawn on me it might not be what i thought it was you're talking about wrestling wrestling i thought you were about to talk about Roddy passing the way you saw it. I really thought you were getting emotional about Roddy.

You were talking about when you felt that it was fake. I thought you were talking about Roddy Piper's death. I thought you were talking about Ronnie Piper's death. You're talking about the death of wrestling to you. This is how much of an idiot I am, and I'm going to try to phrase this. I'm going to try to phrase this in a way where I don't ruin anything. Mr. T wrestled.

He even got into it. Everybody got into it. Oh, bro. The greatest. All right, let's hear about the death of wrestling to you when you really... This is just what an optimist I am, and I'm going to phrase this in a way where...

Because I don't know if little kids are listening to this, okay? I doubt it. But they could be. They could be. And I would never want to be... You know how wrestling got exposed? Well, let's just talk about the christmas spirit and what's involved with the christmas spirit i won't even say the word my younger

brother my young my younger brother told me his thoughts on that and i was devastated but you know my response was like he's in his bed i'm in my bed and he's explaining to me his case about what was really happening laying it out for you. Yeah, and I was crushed. Seeing some things here. Yeah, and then I went like this. I went, well, we still have the tooth fairy. And he was like, he's looking at me.

And he's your younger brother. My younger brother. And he was like, what? I go, bro, you might be right about that, but we got the Easter bunny. I got all these teeth to lose, bro. We got the tooth fairy. And he was like, what is wrong with you? He was like, if what I'm telling you is true, then it's all.

Okay? So that's just my mentality. So if Christmas is a lie, it's all a lie. Right. So my dad, I went to my dad with my hat in hand. And I'm like, these kids are saying these things. And he goes, listen, buddy. I remember this.

He was in his recliner. The only joy he had, he had this recliner. We got on a closeout at Sears. And he would come in. I don't know how my dad did it. I don't know how they do it. But his favorite move was coming in, taking off his work pants. He would have me and my brother fight. This is how well we were trained. I don't know how they do it. But his favorite move was coming in, taking off his work pants.

He would have me and my brother fight. This is how well we were trained. We were trained like attack dogs. And we would each take off one of his cowboy boots. Yeah, he wore cowboy boots all day. Yeah. And then we'd take off his boots, and he'd put on his gray property of the Philadelphia Phillies shorts.

His night pants. Yeah, and love it. And it was back when the cable boxes were attached. He was the only one allowed to remove it from the TV. And he's just clicking through it. He's not watching it. He's just like, click, click, click, click. Down the B, click, click, click. Down the C.

And I'm like, I need his attention. Because I had been hearing some things about the business. And I was like, could this be true? And he was like, listen, buddy. I know you're kind of devastated right now, but trust me, you're going to get into it again on a different level. Like when you're in college, you and your buddies are going to have some laughs with it.

And he goes, and there was a kid in the neighborhood. I don't like mentioning names. He was like, that kid is a hole. Yeah. So I'll say it for you. Yeah. And, uh, and he goes, that kid thinks he knows everything. Let me tell you something. It's not what you think it is these guys aren't driving around

in private jets and limousines they're probably all packed into rental cars together try to save money and he goes a lot of bad blood builds up when you live like that these guys are always hanging out together a lot of drugs to keep them going they're all banging the same chicks trust me trust me it gets real in there sometimes and i was like hey just think about it man he goes look how you treat your brother doesn't that get real i'm like that does get real and he goes that don morocco he'll snap somebody's neck like and i was like yeah so so like that's the mentality i had but this is like what an idiot i was and this is like a legit honeydew story i wanted So, like, that's the mentality I had. But this is, like, what an idiot I was. And this is, like, a legit honeydew story I wanted.

So, like, I'm 12 years old, right? And I grew up. I was a decent baseball player. Like, I played shortstop. So, you know I wasn't stinky. They put me at shortstop. I was the only kid not afraid to be a catcher so i did that and then it was also a pitcher i lied and said i could pitch i remember my first little league game

because when i was six they let us hit off a tease or something like that or five no they had dad's pitch that's how old school was we so we had two leagues too we played in the league where they let the kids pitch the problem was it took forever. That's my point. Forever. So when I was in one neighborhood, they had dads pitch. And legit, I remember a brawl breaking out. Dads were drinking beers and somebody brushed back.

Yeah, somebody brushed back a six-year-old. In Philly, of course. Yeah, for real. I remember that. I was horrified. I'm six and I'm like, what is, I was like, where's my dad? Brushed back a six what is what i was like yeah and my dad was at work my mom's like jesus marion jones like you're pulling me out of the way and i'm like mom i got a bat i got a bat get behind me yeah oh bro so then we moved to a nicer neighborhood and i let the kids pitch it's the following spring and i remember being like yeah i'm an awesome i would

lie just so people would like me. And I was like, yeah, I'm awesome. And I remember the first time I couldn't even make it to the plate. And I'm like, how am I going to get through this inning? I learned how to pitch. I played catcher. I was shortstop. Then I was really good at soccer.

That was the only sport I was really – because I played all the fat kid positions. I played goalie. I played catcher. And then I tried to play played all the fat kid positions. I played goalie. I played catcher. And then I tried to play basketball. I get all a lot of those parents called Goldie Goldie. I used to hate that. Way to go. Goldie.

I'm like, it's not a fucking gold. It's not Goldie. This is an overboard. So seventh grade, I remember like. I remember not wanting to play sports. I'm like wanting to ride skateboards and stuff like that. But like that's when like you started to really separate into cool kids and not cool kids. Like middle school is awful. And I remember in seventh grade, all the cool kids went out for the football team and my mom wasn't having it.

And plus, if I had a choice between playing football going home and having laughs I was like I'm not doing anything but I knew like sports were important like if you wanted to get chicks so then they announced we're having an information meeting for wrestling we have a wrestling team here at nether providence middle school and I'm like finally I can get behind this and I know this sounds like a bit because at 12 you should know more but I really thought it was professional wrestling like when they said wrestling team I'm like yes maybe I could pace paint my face maybe I could think, I was like, if I could be from Parts Unknown. Yeah.

Parts Unknown. That's what I really wanted. If I could be from Parts Unknown. Yeah, I was like, this is my shot. That's the best. So I remember being like, and then there was a couple, because at 12, that's sort of like when some kids started to pull away from it. Just put, listen to me, write that down. Your next album something has got to be called Parts Unknown.

It was the greatest. Oh, dude. The missing link from Parts Unknown. It was the greatest thing ever. So I was into that. That's like the WrestleMania years. I used to buy the magazines and be like, where's this guy from? Who's Ric Flair? And then there was a glorious year when the territories were fighting over Philadelphia and you had

NWA wrestling at the Civic Center and the WWF wrestling at the Spectrum it was glorious. At the same time same night? Yeah maybe not the same night but around the same time and this is when Dusty Rhodes was feuding with Rick Flair and Hulk Hogan was feuding with Piper it was a glorious time to be 12

so they announced the wrestling team. And I'm like, this is what I'm going to do. And I remember an honest to goodness thought I had was if I get into trouble, my older brother was Husky and he was three years older. I'm like, if I get into trouble, Chris can just come out of the locker room with a chair. Legit.

That's acceptable. I was like, hey, if I bite off something I can't chew, I got a brother with a chair. This is legit thoughts I had. So I go to the first meeting. And let me tell you something. The two wrestling coaches we had, number one was Mr. Ferguson. Mr. Ferguson was jacked, no lie.

Legend had it that he could deadlift over 400 pounds damn yeah and when you're like seven and he like and he also let out a legendary fart in my older brother's class where he was known as mr fergan cranker because he said because he would drink protein shakes and stuff all the time because he was jacked so my brother said they were taking a test and it's quiet and he taught science and they were taking a test and it's quiet and he taught science and everybody's taking a test and he said he got the name fergan cranker because he was up there when all the kids were taking the test and he said you just heard this like it went up it cranked up so like i remember going my older brother's now in high school he's

like a freshman i'm in seventh grade. And he was like, oh, you're going to go out for wrestling with Mr. Fergenkranker? And I was like, Fergenkranker. So now he comes in, and he's all jacked. And it was Mr. Tagliaterra was his co-coach, Mr. Tag. He was a high school football coach. Now he's picking up probably another check to be a middle school. Yeah, you look at it like that. And they come in, bro bro and it's like it's

like that scene in stripes like where everybody's having laughs until hulka walks in and i'm like this is my chance to get chicks finally a sport i understand and then these guys come in and close the door and you can tell right away it's business and they're addressing us like we adjust and listen in the marines and this is an informational meeting and they start explaining it and i'm like there's a disconnect here like they're talking about all the the conditioning involved my conditioning so there's i mean i was a chubby kid you know conditioning involved and then the basic because they're going over like we're going to like this is the up you're gonna start an up and down and I'm like

not when do we learn to sleep or hold yeah yeah right so there was another fat kid there I forget his name

but I remember we both had that confused look on our faces like like as they're explaining stuff so now

and then there were kids whose dads like wrestled and stuff like kids that already had their wrestling haircut yeah like the dude from vision quest that was carrying a log on his back they're ready to go to war they're in seventh grade but some of those kids already been wrestling since they were four right because they had lunatic dads and they're like i'm gonna kill this my buddy al savios his brother wrestled at pit he was ready to go to war like these dudes were

locked chris katona his dad wrestled they're all ready to go and it. Like these dudes were locked. Chris Katona, his dad wrestled. They're all ready to go. And it's like me and this other fat kid that are perplexed. Right. So Mr. Ferg is like, all right, they go over the basics and he goes, does anybody have any questions?

And I see the fat, I'm about to raise my hand. Right. And the fat kid's looking at me and I'm looking at the fat kid. So then he raises his hand and he was like, let's say Mike, what's your question? He goes,

um, where do they keep the ring? And you just see Mr. Fer at mr tag and they're like oh it's not that kind of wrestling and i was like taking my hand out steve you have a question i'm like nope so then i go to the first practice that other fat kid already cut bait he was like like, I'm done. If I can't hit somebody with a chair, I'm not doing this. Yeah, no shit. So I remember being like, well, maybe this is how Hulk Hogan started. And it is, it's terrible. And I was chubby.

And like, I was kind of a smart ass too. Like, I would like want to get laughs to take your attention off the fact that I was terrible. And you're an idiot when you're 12. And I remember the coaches were like, there was this other kid. He was a man at 12 years old. This dude, Bobby Butler. He was like, he was the type of dude that wore those tinted 80s style glasses. When we got to high school, he had like a souped up car that he would reverse into the spot.

So everybody would know he was a badass. He had like a souped up car that he would reverse into the spot. So everybody would know he was a bad-ass. The coaches to punish me. Cause I was probably wrestling at like three weight classes above where I should be. At least I was chubby. We would have to run with somebody on our back and they'd be like, Simone,

you take Bobby Butler on your back. All my back. You'd have to carry him. And he must've outweighed me by 40. He was our heavyweight. And I think I wrestled at one 19 and I should have been wrestling at like 70 to be honest with you because i was a little kid and just curious if you remember what was heavyweight for that age then probably like 165 he was that big yeah god damn that's big he was a big kid dude so i'm getting tortured

and i remember the first first practice i just didn't know what was going on and this kid's trying to give me the business and i just like ran away but i mean it was like that's the doggy escape way to go simone that's the only compliment i got the only one i got every match this is not an exaggeration for comedic purposes you come out and you shake hands with somebody it was handshake foot on the line yeah pin there was i got pinned every match not once in a while not just lost you got pinned pinned first period like i never survived the first period i remember like that nervous feeling i'd get my stomach like when we're taking the bus to go wrestle and then you

have to look at the sheet and see who you got to wrestle i always had like some kid with the 13 year old mustache i'm like this kid's carrying a knife i gotta wrestle the kid with a mustache his his kids are in the stands watching you know what i mean and then and then everybody be like you got a wrestle kid he's got pubes and And there was nothing worse where, like, they'd get you in a headlock. Oh, yeah, put that stank on your face. Yeah, it was awful. And for whatever reason, I was always at, like, the most competitive weight. It was a disaster.

And I remember making it through the season. And I'm like, I'm done here. I'm like, because I remember, I don't know where this came from. I don't know if my parents told me this. But I always felt like if you made the commitment, you had to see it through. And it was horrible. Like, humiliating.

You know, like, it was physically exhausting. But it was also humiliating. Like, middle school sucks bad enough, and then, like, you're done with the classes, and you're like, now I gotta go to practice, and wrestling season's long. It's a long one. And I'm'm like I'm never doing this again but then we had a party at uh Jamie Feller's house afterwards and he had a really nice house and all the parents were there and stuff and I had so many laughs with my buddies because I was like set seventh grade

that my go-to move was I would drink soda and laugh and make it come out of my nose. I don't know how I could do it. And then I would let it collect in the glass again. Oh. Yeah. Oh, shit. But everybody was like, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve.

So I show up at the party in a fat kid Hawaiian shirt. I have a bubblegum cigar. Like, boys, we made it through the season and then the guys loved having me hang out so much they were like are you going to wrestle again next year and i was like absolutely and i'm like what did i say and then i did it again eighth grade and the only difference was there was one match where i made it to the third period all right there you go did you wrestle in high school no no and the coaches had already like they'd gone through the middle school roster,

and some people were asked. I was not asked. Oh, you weren't even asked? You got hunted. Well, some of the other dudes, they were like, well, dude, you make practice fun. Because I would always have laughs with the guys and stuff. But I was terrible.

I wrestled in high school. I played basketball. So winter was a winter sport where we were from. Basketball, I played my freshman year and just didn't like it. I mean, I played my whole life, and I just didn't like that coach. I just didn't like the guys that were on the wrestling team. I liked better anyway. So the next year, my sophomore year, I started wrestling.

And I had only dabbled in wrestling in middle school, like you say, as well. But I remember my brother also wrestled, and we went to this high school in Maryland. It was called Athelton. And he got stuck with one of the best kids in the state. And I had to wrestle that night. I was JV, 10th, but they didn't have a weight class to fill in varsity. Exactly.

So they bring you up. So now I'm wrestling my first varsity match, and I'm going against the senior quarterback for the athelton high school and i'm like jesus christ and i'm giving up weight too you know i'm i'm i'm giving up like 10 pounds so i'm weighing in in my i got my whole fucking you know usually you weigh in your underwear and naked if you have to i got my whole fucking sweatsuit on my head gears hanging from my side and i'm eating a cup of pudding on the scale and it's not moving and i was like like, wow. And I knew if it was a fat guy,

I could beat him 10 pounds of fat. I could, I could, I was strong. I could get that 10 pounds of muscle. I knew I couldn't, but my only saving grace was I'm not going to let you fucking pin me. And that's all I would do. I would get out of there with Matt burn on my forehead from them, I would do I would get out of there with Matt Byrne on my forehead from them just half Nelson and yeah I wouldn't god damn because you lose you know if you whatever the points are you get a point I think if you it's six points I think a team points if you pin whatever yeah it's much more you're like you just want to survive you just want to survive that's what the coach is like just don't get pinned just don't get pinned you know what i mean like we can't lose those points my brother goes out and i i mean it's the fastest pin i've ever even heard of he got pinned in six seconds okay like the dude stuck him and boom six seconds

and to this day i still tell him people ride bulls longer people ride bulls longer than that dude you got pinned pendants like it has to pretty much be a takedown and pin um but the best i'll tell you the best moment i ever had in wrestling uh immediately followed by the coach shitting on it but i don't think he meant to he was just one of those guys that you know meant well but couldn't say it it was a wrestling coach yeah um we had a holiday tournament and it was like you know i don't know 15 20 schools all come and it was during the winter break when everyone else is off but you know you're wrestling you're you're getting at it you're still practicing in high school that's the real deal everyone else

is enjoying christmas break and stuff but you're you're working you're working wrestling every day and but i loved it i i mean at that point my dad had just died yeah in november so this is a february uh tournament we've just been made to move in with our mom we are we are pissed all fucking kids yeah and again here it comes i gotta wrestle this guy from gilman i remember that name that was like a prep school it sure was yep and this dude was yoked and this time i'm giving up 20 pounds i'm that should be illegal i'm giving well we had nobody to fill it in so he's 185 and i'm no he's yeah and i'm like 165 170 yeah i'm 10th grade, one 65. He's like one 85. He's going to kill me.

He's probably a senior. He's he looks, he looks like the dude from vision quest. The guy, he ends up wrestling that dude. I mean, he's, you know, yeah,

shoot. Look, he's been wrestling his whole life. You know what I mean? That kid. And I'm like, fuck. And the coach was like,

just don't get pinned. But I am so sad and I am so angry and I am just, I just want to take it out on this motherfucker. But I know I'm probably going to get my ass kicked. Yeah. And we lock heads, and you just feel that. When somebody grabs the back of your neck, you're like, God damn. You just feel their strength.

And I chuck him to the side a little bit, and he sticks his neck out just a tad too far, and I threw a fucking headlock on this motherfucker and i flipped him like lateral drop bam i drop him i fucking throw him and i and immediately i'm like ryan if you don't pin this kid he's gonna get up and he's gonna fucking kill you and i i mean i'm so pissed at everything in life right now though i give him everything and i take his arm and I throw it over his face like that. And then I rock up. And I am squeezing.

And I'm like, come on. I know he's pinned. I know he's pinned. And he's not. And I'm still going and still going. This is lasting like five, six seconds. Is the referee of his hand up? Yes.

He slid in like, yep. And boom, he hits it. And dude, I fucking got him. Dude dude i want to hug you right now i dude i was so before i could be excited i was relieved that i wasn't about to get my ass get this kid did not want to shake my hand you know that kind of shit he he knew he made a mistake and i stuck him and i was strong i was strong plus had he didn't know what the fuck i was going through i had so much pent-up shit going on and then then I went down in the locker room, and I just started crying, like happy for myself.

You know what I mean? I was like, that was for my dad right there. I was fucking – That's incredible. And then we get on the bus to go home, and it was 17 seconds, I remember. I'm pretty sure. And it was the fastest pin of the whole tournament. Wow.

And my coach is giving out, like, awards on the bus, and we're going back, like, all right, everybody you know this and this and this and this award goes to the guy who shouldn't have won but he did and i was like what the fuck kind of motivation i just had a great moment here that is the most negative east coast right fucking now's awful. We should track that dude. Whoever that guy was, if he's still alive, we should give him the Goodfellas treatment. His name's Ed Singer. Excuse me. And we should just grab that dude and throw him a beating.

That's terrible. He was a good guy, though. He just didn't. He was just an oaf. You know what I mean? Like an idiot. A wrestler. I wouldn't say he's an idiot.

Bro, that's an idiotic thing to say. That was an idiotic thing to say. But I know from his heart he didn't mean it like that. But I was just like, Jesus Christ, from the guy that should have never won. Could you imagine the coach of USA Hockey after they beat the Russians? Well, that's right. We got lucky today, I guess. Yeah, as a coach you should never. I was like, I'm riding high.

Bro, he should have taken that confidence in you and turned you into a world champion. That's incredible. I couldn't believe it. It was so great. Just the all wonderful moment and then just shit on it. And that's how you make a comedian. I've never had an athletic moment like that where like. I've been lucky.

I've had a few, man. I've had a few where like soccer i was was my sport and i remember we were down by a goal with like i don't know less than a minute to play you know the ref had already given that sign yeah go down the field boom i score we get the ball again boom i score again in a minute yeah and we win the game i've had moments like that like middle school wow i had um high school we were a good team we were ranked in the state um and soccer yeah yeah maryland's a good time we were good we were good we but if we got better because most a huge core of the same kids would play that's how you build a team together indoor

together outdoor together and then when we got to high school we were very comfortable with one another and we knew each other's strengths and weaknesses and how we could help each other out. And we were good. We were a good team. Yeah. My buddy, Stevie Warren was an amazing soccer player from the time we were kids. And his, when he was a senior, they won a state championship. And it was because they'd been playing at the core of that team had been playing together since they were six, seven years old. And that's what it takes it takes you know it takes a long time i'll tell you this is one of my favorite little like bad news bears scenarios that happened in my life it was honeydews that that turned it around okay so you know we always played on these rec teams every whatever saturday you'd get up and miss

saturday morning cartoons or wrestling you'd miss wrestling to go play sports because you know sports were just everything yeah and i would try out for this one team they were called freedom optimist and they were very clicky with their family and they already knew who they would want on their team but these were the travel teams i was good and i wanted to play on a travel team because that's just where the better kids played and i wanted better competition my brother too and um they would cut us i think my brother might have made it one time but i got cut cut cut cut cut and a lot of kids did yeah travel team was a big deal so these other parents decided well they don't have to be the only team in the county

like fuck them we'll make our own team so we we created a team called south carol okay and we brought all the kids that got cut by that team and then went out and found other kids that got cut from other teams in the county this sounds like a disney the honeydews bro it i'm telling you you should write a movie called the honeydews and put this these kids together and we were fucking good we weren't just and here's the thing too like you would think that our goal was to go beat this team, this freedom team that would cut all of us and stuff, which it was. It was certainly a goal.

It wasn't the goal. The goal was to go after this team called Deer Park, who was the fucking Yankees, thank you, of Little League. You know what I mean? They were the shit. And you were just a stepping stone to them. You know what I mean? Like a lot of people would stop were just a stepping stone to them. You know what I mean? Like a lot of people would stop their focus on, I'm going to get the, no, no, no.

We're going to get you on the way to something else. We got bigger, bigger fucking fish to fry. Dude, we had just shitty long sleeve uniforms that said South Carolina and stuff. But then we started getting good. We got the sleek umbros. We had some parents that gave a little bit of money. Our friend Shannon's dad, Mr. Roy, would start putting money and buy the uniforms for the kids and dude we got good and every year we'd whip freedom we'd whip their ass we start people started leaving them to come to us because we were so good and we went and we fucking took

out deer park we took them out how long did that take maybe two seasons we were good man the first time we were like okay all right we see what it's about. And the second time we're like, we're coming for your ass again. And we got them. We got them a bunch. Like the end of Bad News Bears. Yep. You could take this trophy and shove it up your ass.

Shove it straight up your ass. We'll see you next year. Yeah. And then beer all over everybody and cigarettes. Yeah. Yeah, dude. We were good. So it was, you know, we end up, it was.

We ended up, like, rodney dangerfield already did this movie called a ladybug i never saw when i remember going i don't i love rodney but uh you know what do you think the mentality was that brought that team together because that's incredible because like i'll tell you okay his name was bill huffman yeah he was a dad and he loved like he loved the World Cup he studied the German soccer team and he watched that whole thing Phil Jackson with the triangles that's all we did was run triangles wow so if you and I are here and one person's here and that guy's got the ball his options are really three it's either to pass it to me. He can pass it to you diagonal, but there's a defender here. Or you hustle to this.

If you look at it, you're running a triangle within a square, if that makes sense. And you hustle to that corner over there. He now has you to pass to there and me to pass to here. He passes it to me. You sprint back to this corner. Now I've got two outlets. And we would just run triangles. How old were you when you guys were running this kind of offense?

Like early middle school, seventh grade. Wow. And he's teaching us strong side, weak side, strong side to side with the ball, weak side to side without. And you come down the field on the strong side and you cross it. And we were like, what? And you put it to the weak side. Now they got the ball and the shift to defense.

And, dude, we were running triangles. Dude, we were fucking good, man. We got really good. We got good at indoor. We got good at all of it. That dude, and he always had the white spit in the corners of his mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the coach spit. And he was built like Fred Flintstone.

He'd be yelling at you and shit. He had pants on, you know. Yeah. And we had these long sleeves. And he had this nervous habit. Like, when he would sub you back in after giving you a break, he'd go, get over here, Steve, and and he'd grab you and while he's watching the game he's taking your sleeve he's rolling it up and down your arm and we're all just standing there

like but he would do it thereby he'd be getting nervous like all right he's grabbing you rolling he's like all right all right get in there and he'd run in oh he was a yeller so much but here's another thing in my my stepson had a he did my stepson had a coach like this too he was a great coach if you listen to what he was saying, you were like, fuck, yeah. But he was a yeller. And a lot of people just hear yelling and think negative. But he was yelling. It was always like, great job, great job.

You know what I mean? Good hustle, good hustle. But it's loud. And a lot of people, that disorients them and shit, especially when you're in a gymnas gymnasium, like basketball or wrestling or something. So, um, yeah,

we had some really good moments that, that, but was all born from being rejected and wanting to be, and just believing in yourself. Like I, Josh Wolf and I talk about this all the time. I love that dude. My self,

he, yup. My, he and I say the same thing. My self confidence, it's off the charts. I, if you give me something to do,

I really believe in myself enough that if I'm like, I can do that, I can do that and I can do it. Well, I believe in that. My self esteem. No, not always there.

You know what I mean? It's not, it doesn't match my self confidence all the time. So, you know, if, if that was a beauty pageant, I would have never entered it.

You know what I mean? But if you're telling me that you're not better than me at sports or whatever, then I'm competitive. I want to fucking play. Well, let's see. I'll go take the kids out in the back and whip their ass in ping pong. I mean, they beat me too, but believe me, when I beat you 21 to 6 and you're 10, you're going to fucking hear about it.

You've been talking shit over there, all that shit. You know what I mean? I don't care how old you are. If you're going to talk the talk, walk the walk the walk and when you that's another thing too please teach your kids how to lose there's a way to learn like the the message they say it all the time and it's true you learn way more losing than you ever will winning yeah you learn so much more when you lose than you do when you win yeah you know you win because of all the times you've lost yeah i mean there are the michael jordans out there you watch that documentary he i know they say he got cut but then he grew like 14 inches or some shit yeah

yeah if you think about it the term losing is a misconception it really is just a learning opportunity yes and it and that comes that like i had a great coach when i was eight years old eight years old mr sorelli and he would tell us that attitude was everything and it really is because if you go into it with the attitude of all right i'm gonna keep on doing this until i get it like um i started doing jujitsu as a grown-up like a couple years ago oh okay like and it's the most difficult thing i've ever done in my life like the most do you I started doing jujitsu as a grownup, like a couple of years ago. Oh, okay. Like, and it's the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. Like the most, do you throw up and stuff when you start?

I remember, I remember listening to a podcast with Rogan and David Goggins. Oh yeah. And Goggins is like, they're both like heroes of mine. And they were talking about, it's all mental. It's not physical.

So I'm like, I'm listening to this podcast and they were like, just go suck. Just go suck at something. That's how you're It's not physical. So I'm like, I'm listening to this podcast. And they were like, just go suck. Just go suck at something. That's how you're going to learn something. And I've been wanting to do jujitsu since I saw Hoyce Gracie in the 90s. Like I remember the day I had to sell my baseball cards to pay rent. I went to a baseball card shop in Beverly Hills.

Did you? Yeah. And the guy just didn't have, he didn't want to buy them. But across the street, this is like the year 2000, there was a jujitsu school. And I'm like, that's the stuff I've seen on TV.

And like, I was watching the guys do it, but I had no money. I had no time. And then I listened to this podcast a couple years ago and I'm in my 40s, dude. And I've never been an athlete. Not an athlete.

Never had that mentality that I could do it. Like, I don't have that gene. like i i don't know like but i decided to so i was like i'm gonna go for it i'm just gonna do it i'm just gonna go suck it's all mental i remember the first practice i'm on my back i can't breathe i'm dying have to pop out. The whole class is going on. I pop out the door. Everybody's like, where's that new guy going? And I just collapsed on the sidewalk.

Did you really? Yeah, hand the guy out, and I'm going like this. I'm going, it's definitely physical, too. It's definitely physical, too. I'm like, what have I done? Like all that anxiety of being 12 years old and going out for the wrestling team. I'm like, I did it to myself again. But I remember.

I did it to myself again. I remember Eddie Bravo, because I love Eddie. I think he's the sweetest and most interesting dude ever. And he was like, what? You got started? I go, yeah. And he was like, what? You got started? I go, yeah. And he's like, you're doing Gi? I'm like, yeah.

And he was like, you'll learn some cool collar chokes, whatever. He goes, after you want to, get a base. He goes, if you want to come over and do no Gi? And I was like, thank you. And he goes, here's the thing. He goes, you're built for jujitsu. He goes, nerds are. He goes like this.

He goes, nerds are great at ju like this. He goes, nerds are great at jujitsu because they don't have an ego. He was like the guys that come to my school that can't handle it. He goes, they're meatheads, they're jocks, they're guys that excelled at everything. And they're 240 pounds of muscle. And I have 160 blue belt or 160, I think he said 160 pound purple belt. There's a 240 pound bodybuilder. And he goes, they just get humbled immediately. And he goes, their ego can't take it. He goes, but a dude like you,

he goes, you could be getting choked out and you're laughing going one day, I'm going to learn this. And that's always been my attitude. Like I remember going, like it's the most humbling thing ever, but the community of people, you have to quote unquote lose so much to acquire those skills.

It's the same thing I thought about wrestling. I had never wrestled really competitively until 10th grade, and then all of a sudden you're on your back, and you're looking at these lights, and you're hearing this boom, and you're hearing people clap because you lost. And you're like, oh, my God. There was never any sport more true than wrestling. You know what I mean?

It is just you out there. Yeah, no excuses. No excuses. You know damn well if you cheated yourself, and you know if it cost you, you know everything. It's a great self-esteem sport, I think, also, because it does. It humbles you. You're right.

You match up by weight, but skill is everything. It's everything. Dude, I've gotten crushed in jiu-jitsu so often, but the great thing is the attitude of the guys. It takes a special person to be able to... They're just so cool. There are guys that could

literally snap me in two. You wouldn't be able to pick them out of a crowd. You're talking about dudes that look like school teachers that bit sebastian does now about how you can't fight a guy anymore because you don't know who the hell knows mma like these guys are so like and they're not even breathing heavy and they can just yeah boom and you're done and there's some points where you're like there's nothing i can do there's nothing i can do i'm i'm but those lessons like i i learned those lessons with comedy like you're gonna bomb man and you're gonna hear no and it's gonna take however long you think it's gonna take it there is no timetable

it's the rest of your life and it's easy to quit that's the easiest thing in the world but if you constantly learn a little more if you have a good attitude where you're like what am i learning through this situation i'm still in the game you're good man it's cool it really is cool you learn from losing so and then so if you. I'm just thinking about what you said. You've learned, but it's really not losing, right? No. You're learning something. No, it's not ever losing.

I mean, I tell you what, I think the hardest time to lose in life is when you have put all the time and effort in, and you've lost and lost and lost, and then you know you're fucking good, and you get up against somebody good, and they just edge you out, and lost and lost and then you know you're fucking good and you get up against somebody good and they just edge you out and you're like god damn it you know like you ever hear those world series teams or super bowl teams like we were the better team we just were the better team and we just didn't play better that day like that's when losing really sucks is when when you're good at something and you know you fucked up you know what i mean versus i'm not good at. I'm coming in as a blank slate and I'm going to take in everything here.

But hell, you probably learn more in the big loss than anything too. Yeah. And if you like, it's everything's a process, you know, and ultimately you're not competing against anybody other than yourself,

you know? So if you're constantly evolving and becoming a better version of yourself, you didn't lose. Yeah. So I wanted to, you brought a list of some other stories I wanted to get into too. Is that how long we've been talking?

Yeah, brother. Wow. See, it's nice to see you. Good to see you too. Let's hear about asking out your crush. How old were you when you asked out your crush? Dude, okay, I went back yesterday and I listened to the first Honeydew we did.

And I kind of told that story. Oh, you did? Yeah, I didn't want to do it. Thank you for doing that. I know you didn't tell any about Fat James and Steve Z. Yeah, I didn't do any of those, but I was loving listening to us hang out yesterday and I listened to the whole episode.

And I was like, a hot dog. I can't wait to go hang out with my buddy the absolute best I'm so happy to be here um I don't even know how to get into these stories like one of the things that I am exploring

like with my new hour stand up if we ever get to do it again um like the way I kind of looked at my first three albums where i was like they're all the same sort of themes celebrate gratitude celebrate the little things family food fun and i kind of look at it like there were stories about my brothers there was stories about my mom and there were stories about my dad kind of like i do other things but they're sort of like at the core of every hour so then

I really wanted to do friends right like I think friends are like I mean after moving to LA and being out here for 20 years my friends are kind of like you know they're family to me you know um and one of the things I wanted to explore was that some of the best friends I've ever had were people I never should have met in the first place. Like, you ever just have a friend, you're like, why am I even friends with? How did this even happen? And one of those, I mean, this stuff's hard. I don't even know.

Because I started to tell some Fat James stories on stage. And I wanted, cause fat James isn't with us anymore. And I wanted to somehow get in touch with his dad before I would ever do anything with it. You know, and I know you have a big audience, but I'll, I mean,

I never have. You haven't gotten in touch with his father. No, I got to go through probably, you know, Joey Cer yes of jimmy and joey fame of course i think the greatest um i i think maybe he could get me in touch with james is that but james was a character and he had a big heart but he legitimately drove me crazy. I guess I could tell this story. I don't even know how to describe James.

How'd you meet him? I met him. Okay, so I was living with Stevie at the time. And this all sounds like a lie. Stevie was born with severe cerebral palsy but he was kind of like a thug i'm not i mean i'm not lying like like like like he would like smoke weed and get wasted and he essentially i mean we were sharing a section eight one bedroom apartment where in a holly it was in hollywood before that neighborhood

got gentrified we were at at Sunset and McAdden. Okay, I know exactly where you're at. And that was a rough neighborhood at the time. It was so rough that I remember my buddy Jujitsu Vinny. Fat James Jujitsu. Jujitsu Vinny is arguably one of the toughest guys I ever met in my life. And I remember I didn't have a car, and he was dropping me off at home one night, and he goes, hey, Stevie, this is a rough neighborhood.

He goes, you got to be careful. Keep your head on a swivel. And he goes, come start training with us on Saturdays. Like, he was legit. Like, when Jiu-Jitsu Vinny is telling you it's a rough neighborhood, it's time to move. Yeah, it is. If your neighborhood slogan is keep your head on a swivel. Bro, every time I left that apartment i would hear

the opening riff to welcome to the jungle you remember when actually rose stepped off the bus like like i'd walk out like you're in the jungle baby there was a motel next to that apartment where it was all transvestite prostitutes like it was disgusting this neighborhood it was so bad that um like i remember going out on the road and like stevie got mugged in that neighborhood like Like it was disgusting. This neighborhood. It was so bad that, um, like I remember going out on the road and like Stevie got mugged in that neighborhood. Like somebody attacked the dude. A cerebral palsy guy.

Yeah. Was he in a chair or crutches or what was he then? He had difficulty walking. Um, attacked him. Jesus Christ. Vicious. Um,

but he wound up. All right. i guess this is all out there i have to call him to make sure i'm allowed to say this stuff but you ever just go through like moments in life and you're like i i don't even know how this is possible like all right so i was a pa on a paulie short independent movie right and i just pretty much do craft services carry boxes do whatever they needed and we were filming one day and i see a dude in a philadelphia eagles t-shirt who has uh cerebral palsy right so me and stevie immediately become friends because his heart's so big and his passion for living was so big and he liked the same football team i liked and he was also a gym rat like legit this dude

wound up becoming a competitive bodybuilder like they did experimental surgery and put this pump inside of him for what to try to like balance out his i don't know i'm not smart but like to help him to like help him stand a little bit better okay and i remember seeing him on a bodybuilding stage and he was so shredded you could see the implant oh wow okay like his best friend was a professional bodybuilder um and he was just the funniest dude ever like this is how funny stevie's this is a true stevie z story he was working at a private gym in the valley right because like you would see this dude working out and it just inspired you to do more sure he is you know you see it palsy yeah hanging and banging a gold yeah dude like the real deal

so he winds up getting a job behind the desk at a private gym in the valley and one of the dudes that would come in all the time was vin diesel and this is like fast and the furious peak of vin diesel early 2000s he's a huge movie star and he loves stevie right like because like stevie had that type of personality you know and uh they would break each other's balls because stevie is quick like if you can listen to him if you understand what he's saying, it's always hilarious. Well, mentally, he's quick. Yeah. Not so much on foot.

I could tell you this. All right. I will tell you. Hold that point. All right. I can't believe I'm telling these stories. I have to call him before I share any of this. So, all right.

So, anyway, long story short, Vin Diesel and him become buddies. And Vin Diesel is always just trying to break him off cash, like tip him. And Stevie will never take the money. And he's like, no, we're friends. I don't want. And he's like, come on, dude, just put this in your pocket. And he goes, no. Okay.

So Stevie's working on a Saturday morning. The phone rings at the gym. Boom, it's Vin Diesel. And he was like, oh, thank God it's you, Stevie. And he goes, I have a buddy that's flying in to Burbank from New York. Before he even gets to my place, he wants to grab a workout. Is it okay if he just comes through? He's not a member, but I wanted to give you a heads up.

And Stevie goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He can do that, but I'm going to need $3.50. And he goes, what? He goes, I'm going to need $3.50. He goes, is that he goes yeah i'll pay whatever the guest fee is and he goes it's only 350 he goes yeah that's all i need is 350 he goes do you need money he goes look i'm always trying to give you money and he goes no i'm good i just want 350 and he goes well what do you need 350 for and stevie goes because i rented triple x last night and i want my money back that movie was

terrible that's that's how funny that's how funny stevie is so ah that's great so he winds up he had an ex of his that was uh a lady of suspicious character. Maybe her professional choices, what she did to make a living, I was suspicious. And we're already sharing a one-bedroom apartment. The way it worked was Stevie would sleep on a futon in the living room, and we're already sharing a one-bedroom apartment. The way it worked was Stevie would sleep on a futon in the living room and I got the bedroom because I paid the rent. Got it.

But he got us a place where the rent was $250. A month? A month because it was Section 8 and it was 20 years ago. Holy shit. So that allowed me to stay in L.A. because if I was just making minimum wage or delivering pizzas or whatever it was, I could come up with 250 bucks. All right. So. There's now three of us in this apartment and this young lady is just somebody I don't want to be smart to anybody's character, but I wasn't comfortable with her there. be smart to anybody's character but i wasn't comfortable with her there and even if she was you know a social worker and the sweetest woman ever it's still too small of a place but i was

also concerned for stevie like i didn't understand why stevie was in a relationship with somebody like this and i was concerned for him and i was also like i wouldn't leave my passport or checks or any cash in the apartment i took all that stuff with me whenever I left. And I'm like, I can't live like, like she was supposed to be there a night. And now it's three weeks. So I have a heart to heart with Stevie. And I had already paid like six months rent in advance. I had like saved up a little money, but he needed money desperately.

So I'd given him like 1500 bucks. And that last month. I'll take it from you but not vin diesel yeah come on come on bro come on bro so i have a heart to heart with him i go hey man this is how i feel and i think we're friends and i can be this honest i don't i'm not comfortable with this woman here and he's taking it all in and he goes i understand everything you're saying but if i have to choose between her and you, I'm choosing her. Where do you go?

You move in with the recently divorced 330 pound ex Elvis impersonator. Oh, that was fat James. Yeah, that's how fat James showed up. Like, bro, if I wrote this verbatim nobody would believe this story because the story about fat james was like i i my heart just goes out to people right like i remember when i saw stevie i'm like i love this dude and i remember seeing fat fat james at uh the comedy store bro he had the at the Pompadour. I remember.

And like nobody's talking to this dude. Like you could tell like, and I remember he had been hanging out for a couple weeks. And I was just like, one of the things I've always tried to do is be that person that if you need a friend to be your friend you know like um i remember how scary it was for me when i first showed up at the comedy store and that the emotional stakes were so high it wasn't just getting on stage for three minutes it was having the courage to live your dream and being in that building around all these people and you know these legends on on the wall and they've been on that stage yeah it's intimidating it's very intimidating and the stakes are so high this you're you're you've now literally put your feet in the footsteps of your taking your hearings and you're living your dream absolutely so like walking in the footsteps of

living your dream yeah and so many people are so competitive or so insecure that they want to keep people out. And I want to invite people in. That's just how I am. Yes, I'm the same way. And so is Tom and Christine. That's why we're here. Yeah. Because they pull up and they invite in.

Yes. That's why I love them. That's why people root for them. Yes. So long story short, I see Fat James. I'm like, this dude doesn't have any friends. Let me go talk to him. And I'm like, he's a little bit overbearing.

Like, I think would be a nice way to put it. I'm like, okay. So I'm like, we go to Carney's. And I'm not lying. This is like, I've talked to this dude for 12 minutes or whatever. And we go to Carney's. And I'm coming back with the food and he was like this he was like you want some ketchup and i'm like what he gets you want some

ketchup on those fries and i'm like i guess and i go to grab the ketchup and i squeeze it and nothing comes out and he's like i played a prank on you i played a prank on you. I played a prank on you. I put paper in the top of the ketchup. We're already having laughs like best friends. And I'm like, that's your intro. Because he was obsessed with 70s and 80s TV shows. He's like, we're like Potsy and Richie. Potsy and Richie. That sucks.

So I walk this dude back to the comedy store and I'm like I'm never talking to this dude again I'm like I'll never talk to this like I'm like I learned my lesson nobody's talking to this guy for a reason so I remember it's like three days later

I don't have a car I'm walking to the comedy store and I see this walking from hollywood yeah that's a walk yeah it was like 200 i did that for a long time years i didn't have i didn't have a car to 2006 damn so i would make the walk and i would make the walk not to perform i'd make the walk to either work the door or just hang out so uh i'm walking to the comedy store and i see this convertible come by and i just see a pump door and it's like a sunfire it's like a pontiac sunfire and it drives by the license plate say doo-wop it says doo-wop and i hear like pretty little angel lies he sees

me he busts a u-turn on sunset and he And he pulls over. He's like, hey, buddy. Do you need a ride somewhere? And I'm like, what? And he goes, hop in. So I get in the car. I'm like, he's like, where are you going? I'm like, he's like, to the comedy store. And I go to the comedy store.

He's like, I'll take you. So then I'm in the car. And he was like, I told my dad all about you. I was like, bro, we hung out once. I told my dad about you. He was like, I go, dad, this guy isn't even a friend. We're more like brothers. Like immediately.

He's stepbrothers. Yeah. And is he doing comedy at the time? He was signing up for open mics. Okay. And then. But he's not doing the Elvis stuff anymore at this point. At this point, no, but he kept the hair.

Like he did have a tremendous Sha Na Na pompadour. Sha Na Na. So Stevie kicks me out and I'm like, hey man, I guess you want to be a roommate? Like you want to be roommates? And I'll tell this one story because it's not, it's not. There's one involving a special needs person but the levels that i have to play with i'm only laughing because i know how if you ever tell it it will be the most respectful safe way you could tell because i think i remember trying to tell it i maybe tried to tell

this on the feast or maybe there was one night we did a storyteller show. We did a live feast at the Hollywood Improv. You and Gareth Reynolds both told stories, then said, hey, maybe I shouldn't have those stories. So it got to be a live in-person only. But it was fucking great. Tell whatever you're comfortable with. All right. So I'll just, okay.

I love how it went from I'm never going to see this guy again to hey, do you want to be roommates? Oh, like instantly. And I loved James. But the truth is like he would drive me crazy.

His favorite TV show was Friends, right right like he loved it i've never really seen an episode so what he would do to try to get me to watch it is that he would just laugh really loud like like try to act like this is so much right what are you laughing at yeah yeah you're missing it and then they're like how was he when you met him grown up he's well in his 30s 30s okay yeah and they go i'm like james i'm tired i don't want to watch anything no i'm not asking you to you're just missing it right so like i okay this is what a character james was so we're looking at this apartment. We wind up renting an apartment in an all-Russian neighborhood, all-Russian building.

But we could afford it. And before, he was like, look, I say we get this place. He goes, it's only a one-bedroom, but it's a... Where was it? It was called the James Terrace Apartments on Hollywood Boulevard. Like Hollywood and Fuller, the two old buildings that are right there. Because I lived off Sun sunset and poinsettia or point same neighborhood and i was gonna say it was right down the street you could smell cabbage

in the air when yeah it was all right yeah that was that neighborhood right by ralph's and so many hot chicks yes um so speaking of hot chicks james is like hey we're gonna be sharing this place so uh we have to come up with a system i'm like like, what? He goes, when one of us has a chick in there, we got to put a tie on the door so we know when to take it on the arches. Like he had just seen so much, so many sitcoms that he felt like this. Life was like that.

Yeah. Like I remember he was watching Friends and he was like, you got to see this show. And I'm like, do I? He was like, no. See, there's two guys on the show that are exactly like me and you. He goes there's this guy named Joey

who's really good looking and gets all the chicks that's me. And he goes then there's this other guy who's really nice but everybody thinks he's gay. That's you. Legit telling me that's my face oh my god so he's legitimate like he would drive me crazy and here's the thing dude i don't have a

car and i am working at least two jobs in addition to anything like in addition to second city classes we're trying to do open mics like i would i worked every job at the comedy store i was working at the hollywood gym i was working at a pizza place i had done telemarketing i had done like i'm working around the clock and whenever i would come home, he's overbearing. Right. So there were times. All right. I'll just tell the story. And if we have to cut it or if it's,

I just want people to know my intentions are pure and I'm not trying to make fun of everyone knows. Okay. So there were times where like, I just had to get out. You know what I mean? Like, cause he would just like,

he would stand in the doorway of my bedroom and just like, he wouldn't leave me alone. I'm like, bro, I need to stop. No more talking, get another friend. Like you can't dump all this on me. So right there at La Brea and Sunset, there was a, I think there's still a coffee shop there. It used to be called Cyber Java. I don't know what it's called now. But that was like a little over a block away from where I lived. And I would just go there

to write and to get away from James. And there was a dude I became friends with there who had like that rare bone disease where you have like a little tiny body and he was in a motorized wheelchair.

But he was so fucking, he was so cool. Like you don't see the chair, you're just connecting with this human spirit, right? Like this dude is cool. And like he loved, I was still in my heavy metal phase at the time. He loved heavy metal and we would talk about bands and we would talk about comedy. Like this dude was brilliant.

And we would hang out, right? And like he knew when I was there I was usually trying to get away from James. So he loved hearing fat James stories. Like he would love it. So this one day, I don't even tell James I'm going. I just dip out. Like he like goes to the bathroom. I dip out. So I'm just like, I got to get out.

So I go to the coffee shop and Wheels is in there holding court. Like everybody's hanging out with this dude, Wheels. Then he sees me. He's like, what's up, Steve? I don't know what's up, Wheels. And then he was like, tells his friends and he wheels over and he sees the miserable look on my face. He was like, is it fat, James? I go, yeah, man.

He goes, what did he do now? What did he do now what did he do now like he loved it right so i'm telling him stories wheels is like that's awesome this guy's fantastic so as we're saying that who do i see bopping down the street but it's fat james and he's got like one of those those puffy hats like chauffeurs would wear like he was like where's and i see fat james walk down the street like he's looking for me like i'm a lost child and he sees me in the window and he just goes like that like there you are wheel sees that and he looks at me and he goes oh my god he's real i don't like buddy you have no idea so now fat j James comes barreling into the coffee shop. He doesn't even acknowledge Wheels.

And he's just like, where did you go? You had me worried sick. If you're going to leave the apartment, you have to let me know where you're going. And Wheels is like, ah, ah, I'm loving it. He's getting a live show. So now he sees Wheels in the wheelchair. And he was like, hey, how's it going? I'm James.

He's like, I know who you are. I know who you are. Now, James is like, hey, what do you got? Do you mind if I join you? And he's like, go right ahead. Go right ahead. So I'm like, oh, my God. Okay, now, I had a fear.

Like, I always have this fear when I'm introducing friends that they're not going to get along. Going back to college. Like, if I had a college buddy and he's hanging out with my high school friends, I was always afraid they weren't going to. Now, James, biggest heart in the world, but often very childlike. Wheels was very self-conscious, you know? Like, and obviously, like his life is, you talk about a honeydew. That guy had a rough life, worse than all of us.

So I was a little bit protective of him a little bit. Like, cause I never acknowledged it. It's like, I never, I never want to make somebody feel bad. So now James is sitting down and we all just loving it. Right? Like he just wants to stir the pot, but I'm like, James, please don't say anything that's not sensitive. Like, and James wouldn't do it to be mean.

He would just do it because he doesn't think things through. So I'm on thin ice and I'm a little bit nervous. I'm like, James, just don't. Because you know how like a little kid will see somebody and they'll be like, does that hurt? And you're like, oh, Jesus, don't. You know what I mean? Where's the rest of your arm? Yes.

Yes. In second grade, we had a lady that would bring in art and explain art to us, but she had a fake arm. So she'd be like, does anybody have a question about the painting? And every kid would be like, does your arm hurt? You know what I mean? Because you're seven. All right, so I'm just praying James doesn't do anything like that.

And now James and Will start connecting, and it's like I'm not even at the table like because they were both really in the music and wheels is like i love this guy i love this guy now it's like i'm not and they're going back and forth and i remember looking at james i'm like this is a good dude like he's now we're all can i go how could i have ever gotten mad at james like he's really treating this dude with love and then there was a you know how conversations just die out right so everybody's talking and I'm just watching and I'm like this is great and then it's just that right and that now James couldn't sit in an

awkward moment like that's just not how his brain worked. So it's like, yeah, yeah, I love that. Yeah, I have that album. And he's like, yeah, me too. Now I see the wheels turn. There's like an awkward thing. Who's? Wheels is wheels? Oh, Jesus.

Or Fat James is wheels. So Fat James, there's an awkward pause and Fat James looks at wheels. He looks at wheels and he goes, What was it? He said, What was it? Hand to God. Hand to God.

He goes, What was it? Wheels looks at me like, and he looks at James and he goes, What was what? Wheels looks at me like, and he looks at James, he goes, what was what? And he goes,

how'd you get in the chair? And he's saying it like, like he's so caring and everything. No, but he was. Yeah, I know he was. And he goes, how did you get in the chair? And Wheels is immediately pissed.

And he goes, what do you mean, how did I get in the chair? And Wheels is immediately pissed. And he goes, what do you mean, how did I get in the chair? And he goes, what kind of accident was it? And he goes, why would you ask me something like that? And he goes, can't you see I'm a birth defect, you stupid mother F? And then he looks at me and he goes, you're right, Steve, this guy is a moron.

He doesn't deserve to have friends. So now James is like, you said that about me? You said that about me? And Wheels just starts knocking over chairs. This is all in that cafe. All right there. And he's like, F you, fat James. And he's knocking over chairs.

Everybody's looking. And James is like, is it something I said? Is it something I said? I'm like, what do you mean was it something you said? Yes, it was definitely something you said.'m like i can't believe you said it was exactly what you said and he goes he goes well i had to know i'm like you didn't have to know james and he goes well it could have been a lot what do you mean it could have been a lot of things? He goes, well, my cousin Louie fell off a ladder and he's in a wheelchair. I go, James, didn't you notice he had a little tiny puppet body?

How high would the ladder have to be? How far is he going to drop? Oh, it still could have been an accident. I go, an accident? What was he walking through the woods and a wizard put a spell on him? He had tiny little pickle feet. His feet are the size of pickles. You're self-conscious about your weight

and you did that to yourself. You don't think this guy's a little upset at the hand life dealt him? Oh my. I couldn't. I couldn't believe it. So, so,

yeah, I couldn't believe it so uh yeah i couldn't believe it oh man so like i just left him at the coffee shop then we had that blow up back at the apartment because i i was just like you don't think he would have been sensitive all right oh my god so if i get get James's dad's promotion, I'd like to share that story. That's not a bad story. It's just a dumb question. Yeah. It's an insensitive question that was not led with hate. Yeah, but he had the best intentions.

Yes, that's what I'm saying. It doesn't come from a place of malice at all. It's, oh my God. So. Dude. Yeah, we could just end it. We're going out on that. Yeah, i have a lot of fat james stewart's like that's well you can come back on we'll share more but um first of all let me um oh yeah um because you came on early and we weren't doing this yeah i i ask everybody that

hasn't come on yet or or did and and didn say this, but what advice would you give to your 16-year-old self? Knowing what you know today about the things we've talked about, what would you say to 16-year-old Steve Simone? Trust God. Wow, you're the first person with two words. Great. That's great. I want to say something, too.

So this is, it hit me in the middle of this episode, and I was like, remember to say something too so this is it hit me in the middle of this episode and i'm i was like remember to say this at the end this is my last episode in this studio here i'm so glad you're my guest because for a lot of reasons but also this very table that we're sitting at i don't know if you remember this but we needed to get this table out here and i have my daughter and i couldn't do it and i hit you up and you delivered this table out here and i have my daughter and i couldn't do it and i hit you up and you delivered this table out here yeah that's the first time you might have met in a job he might not even remember because i felt terrible because i had just gotten crippled in jujitsu like

no lie legitimately crippled like this is all mangled to this day it's all i had i tore everything from here to here and like i couldn't really help i was trying to help carry it and i couldn't do it and i remember that yeah this table we're sitting so would have been like january or february of last year it was yeah it was because we started in here and i started in here in march so what had been about that february yeah because i got i got crippled in late january well brother thank you promote please one more thing one more time maybe the podcast is called good times website you go to go to help Steve help we're trying to help some families children's hospital your albums yeah I have an out I have two albums for sale um I stopped selling

the first one because the f word was on it and I didn't want family I know you went back and did your stuff clean yeah and I'm not even gonna sell that what's what can they subscribe to um i don't know i dora you make a steve simone yeah i'm on pandora i'm uh serious yeah i'm on serious xm all the time on the laugh usa family station is xm even out there anymore we say serious i don't know is it just serious i don't know serious i don't know i'm not smart well brother i love you thank you so much for being on here. This has been awesome. It's been awesome just to fucking hang and laugh with you. Jesus Christ, I needed it too. I needed it.

And for all of you out there, thank you so much as well. Thank you, everyone here at YMH. And make sure you go subscribe to my YouTube, youtube.com slash rsickler. Again, it'll be a link in the show description. And you can click on, if you're link into the show description and you can click on if you're watching on laptop or android you can click on right at the end of the episode and subscribe to my youtube and also honeydew patreon you'll be seeing me uh promote that and everything

so make sure you subscribe submit your story to honeydewpodcast at gmail.com just give me a few bullet points don't write you know the whole story i want to talk to you about it and learn about it when we talk so um submit your story there and hopefully we get to do an episode together and uh as always ryan sickler on all social media talk to you all next week Take care.