The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Steve Simeone - Bye For Now

Episode Date: September 21, 2020

My HoneyDew this week is Steve Simeone! Steve returns to share some hilarious Lowlights! Steve is one of the funniest, kindest, most loyal friends I’ve ever met. We’ve known each other for over 20 years. Steve and I share a lotta laughs and say goodbye...for now. SUBSCRIBE to my YouTube channel & watch full episodes of The HoneyDew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler SUBSCRIBE to my Patreon show, The HoneyDew with y’all, where I highlight the lowlights with y’all! What’s your story? https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew Sponsors: Talkspace Use promo code HONEYDEW at checkout for $100 off your first month Hawthorne Check out Hawthorne at Hawthorne.co and use promo code HONEYDEW​ to get 10% off your first purchase Raycon For a limited time get 15% off your order at BUYRAYCON.com/honeydew! That’s BUYRAYCON.com/honeydew for a special 15% discount Upstart See why Upstart has a 4.9 out of 5 rating on Trustpilot and hurry to Upstart.com/honeydew to find out HOW LOW your Upstart rate can be. Checking your rate only takes a few minutes! Manscaped Get 20% Off and Free Shipping with the code HONEYDEW at ​Manscaped.com. From the moose to the caboose, always use the right tools for the job!

This episode of The Honeydew is brought to you by Hawthorne, Raycon, Upstart, Manscaped, and ExpressVPN. More on that later. Let's get into the do. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We are over here doing it at the Night Pant Studios. I am Ryan Sickler. Ryan Sickler on all social media. RyanSickler.com. And again, I'm just going to say it at the top.

Again, thank you for real. I mean, I can't thank you enough. This is so much fun. I love laughing at this shit. There are some horrible things people have said that have just made me laugh incredibly hard. And I can't

thank you guys enough for the support. I know it's helping. I didn't know it at first and I believe it now. So thank you for making me a believer in it all. And please, if you haven't already subscribed, go subscribe to the YouTube page. Um, you'll get video there every Tuesday.

We dropped that audio on Monday. Um, and the Patreon it's five bucks a month. It's called the honey do with y'all. There's no tears, no levels, none of that shit. All right. You ain't getting a t-shirt, none of that crap. It's just five bucks a month. If you're looking for extra content i do

two shows a week and that is an episode with y'all called honey do with y'all where i highlight the lowlights with y'all so if you or someone you know has that fucking story that just has to be heard please email me at honeydewpodcast uh at gmail.com excuse me and we'll definitely read those stories and hopefully we'll get to do an episode together. The HoneyDudePodcast.com is the website here, the social media. Make sure you're on the Facebook fan page. Follow me all over and blah, blah, blah. All right?

But Night Pants Nation, I mean, come on, y'all. Y'all turned something so stupid and funny into something real, and that's the magic all right and then you cut them off at the knees and made night shorts i y'all are the shit okay y'all are the shit i hope you're comfortable as hell out there night pants nation i appreciate y'all during the summer and night shorts nation uh go get your merch and rep the show um and speaking of repping i always love to rep uh santa monica music center i record here every week and um if you want to take some online music lessons go to santa monica music.com use code honeydew they will give you uh the registration fee completely waived and

a free lesson when you sign up for a package they They're fantastic. I love them here. We're doing good things for the kids. Now, you know what we do here. We highlight the lowlights. These are the stories behind the storytellers. Today is a bittersweet episode. One of my oldest and dearest friends here is back for, you know, going away for a little bit here, ladies and gentlemen. Make it sound like I'm going to prison.

I mean, it feels like it, bro. It feels like it. Steve Simone, y'all. Back on the honeydew. So good to see you, buddy. I love you, dude. I do. I love you, too.

It's weird that we're doing this as a podcast, though, because I thought we were just going to hang out. Yeah. And then you were like, you want to do? And I was like, okay. Why not? Why not? Why not? This is an end of an era for a lot of people. There's a lot of you guys leaving.

You do plan to come back at some point, maybe. Yeah. I mean, the only way I can wrap my head around what's going on is I'm telling myself this is a temporary move because I got nothing in L.A. right now. Like, the city is shut down for people that don't. I mean, you can't get a haircut. Church is outside. If you can't eat outside of the restaurant, guess what? That restaurant's done. So, uh, it's an expensive city. All my friends, you're, I think I have like three buddies that are going to be here. Everybody else I know is going. And, um, when Joey Joe, our uncle Joey, when Joey Dia diaz was i mean i've known joey for 20 years

and we actually don't live that far from each other in the valley so during quarantine he was my link to sanity and we would see each other a few three four times a week keep each other we would just trade food like baseball cards i'd be like joey you got to try this oh dog tremendous i'm gonna go get you some clams can you do a linguine with white clam i go i never made it phenomenal home run he's he's been ordering to jimmy's crab cakes and call me about it like loving every bit of it he is he let me be up with one of those crap cakes one of the best things i've ever i'm I'm telling you, dude. They are the shit. He let me be the first ever guest host on the show. I can't even.

That's an honor beyond all honors. Dude, it's the end of a big deal. Yeah, it really was. And I told him, we're not stopping your life story. I don't care. We'll Zoom. He will be a Zoom. Yeah. We're going to take care of that dude.

So look, this is the way I look at it. So Joey and I were hanging. And then around June. So it was March, April, May. He was going, you're doing the right thing. Stay here. Because my game plan was, I thought rents were going to drop in LA. I thought, okay, 40% of the city is technically unemployed right now.

That some of the statistics were that high. And I went, a lot of people had already left LA. There were people at the beginning of COVID that were like you know what i'm out i'm gonna go live with my parents i'm gonna go back to whatever so my rents will come down and joey was like yeah dean del rey found a place that was this much now it's this much so i thought i was going to be able to find a more affordable housing and i also really had hoped that some sort of innovation was going to happen with like a live streaming standup show, which they're doing. But also I thought at some point by May or June, we were going to have limited inside comedy clubs,

maybe socially distanced with people with masks. And then I was like, you know, if they stream that show and there's a live audience, cause I need an audience to play too. I can't just stand in front of a camera and do standup. I feel like an idiot, but I thought, okay, that's going to be an exciting next, next step of what the future of standup comedy might be. And I really thought whatever was going to happen in standup, the comedy store would still be the epicenter and uncle Joey would be at the forefront so essentially i was like whatever joey's doing i'm doing that's kind of how i was getting through covid and then in june he started to tell me it's time to go for me personally he was like just go

to your mother what are you doing be with your family there's nothing going to happen here he goes my every show i had has been canceled. This is bad. This is worse than anybody's saying. But I know what a pain in the ass moving it, and I didn't want to do it. If I didn't have a family here, I'd be gone. I'd be gone. There is nothing here.

Right now. Right now. This is why I want to come back. Yeah. Because I've really been thinking about this, because I've been reflecting. It's been almost 20 years to the day that I've spent in LA like almost 20 years to the day

and I think the real gift of Los Angeles at least the LA that I knew that brought me out here is the great meeting of minds all these comedians like that's what I wanted to pursue. But everybody from all over the world comes here. All these broken, fucked up, twisted, degenerate.

Amazing, beautiful, divine, awesome, hilarious individuals. And I'm just not going to get that anywhere else in the world. No, you're not. You're not going to get the back door at the comedy store. You ain't getting that in Pensacola. No, you're not. You're not going to get the back door at the comedy store. You ain't getting that in Pensacola.

Nowhere. So that's what I'm like. I'm like, I have to come back. Like when the comedy store comes back, I'm going to come back. But when Joey is the most I think he's a prophet. That's just my personal feeling. I think God has touched him. So I think when

he's telling me to leave, I almost have like this biblical fear that it's time for me to go like that. I know that sounds crazy, but that's how I feel. So Joey's the most street smart dude I've ever met. And he was telling me about the crime that he had started to see. And then, you know, Joe Rogan's more of a hero than a friend, you know, but he's one of the smartest dudes I've ever met. and he has access to the most brilliant minds of this generation generations like every week that dude's talking to another genius right so when the smartest guy i've ever met who interacts and has the most the best informed

opinion on los angeles when he's gone when the most street smart touched by jesus dude i know is leaving i'm like what i well, I got to go. So I didn't want to accept that. And what I've been telling myself is it's just a temporary move. Wait till we get through the election. Wait until we get through some of this COVID stuff and things start to open up. Hopefully rent will be cheaper. And for now, it's a temporary move just to sort of breathe a little bit, be near my family and sit things out on the sidelines, you know?

Yeah. I mean, look, I selfishly, obviously, you know, I love you and I don't want you to go. But of course, I support it 100%. So, Ryan, I don't want to go. I know you don't i don't but i'm just going there's nothing here for me right now no and it's expensive i'm like i'm just throwing money out of a window every month what sit sit inside and build puzzles with my girlfriend i'm like i could do this for half price somewhere on the beach on yeah yeah for real and then

i was trying to make everything work you know i was like well if i could find i don't even mind spending this much money if i found a place i really loved you know like a place where you go all right i don't mind spending this much money and throwing it away because it's the cost of doing business in la and then like two weeks ago uh my girlfriend's from the pasadena area. I was up there. I've been looking at places up there for months because she wants to be near her family. And then there's other areas like La Cunada, La Conce. It's beautiful.

San Marino. Yeah, it's beautiful up there. I'm like, where is it? And these places look great online. And then I went to go drive by at night. I'm like, I can't live there. I can't spend that much money for that place. It's just not going to happen.

And for the first time during lockdown, I had legit anxiety where I couldn't sleep. And I was draining Diet Cokes, maybe the caffeine. But it was 4.30 in the morning. And I'm playing chess in my head. Like, what am I going to do with my furniture? Should I do a garage sale? Should I put stuff up on Craigslist? This and that.

And then the walls started to shake. I was up at 4.30 in the morning. And there was a legit real earthquake. The walls in my apartment literally cracked. That's how close I was to the epicenter. I woke up the next morning and there's cracks in my walls. So I wasn't i was really here it felt like i thought i was just gonna go and as i was doing that i was thinking

about all my stuff i really feel like i heard god go is your stuff really that important right now and i'm like nope and he was like just pack up your car give away give away your things whatever doesn't fit in your car give give it away and just go for now. So right now I feel like Jules in Pulp Fiction where I'm just playing around. I'm just walking the earth. I'm just going to go walk the earth. I got gigs coming up in Virginia. So I figure I can fly to Virginia, see my brothers in Philly.

Then I have shows in Denver. And then after I'm done with the Denver shows, my girlfriend and I, we're just going to go to Montana, Utah, go see Old Faithful, go see all that stuff, Yellowstone. Some state park tours. Yeah, just go see some stuff and look at this transition as a blessing and then see what's next. I think it's a good plan, man.

It's a whole world's on pause. It is. I mean, obviously, we're more on pause, it feels like, than what everyone else is telling me out there what i'm hearing but i wanted to share an embarrassing earthquake story with you because earthquakes i always like to think i'm you know a man you know what dudes do but there is some shit that shakes me literally to my core and earthquakes have always made my heart like

to my core and earthquakes have always made my heart like literally skip a beat you know pause for a second like that you realize how powerless you really are when these buildings are banging and those wall i've seen what you talked about the walls bend in and yeah there was one night and i just hate them i hate them yeah and i'm laying this is before my daughter's born or anything i'm i'm in my apartment in my bed sleeps like four in the morning and where i live was sherman oaks at the time and uh epicenter was like right in those canyons yeah and it might have been a whatever they called it a two or a three or whatever but when you're right there it's much stronger at the epicenter yeah at least it feels like this one two weeks ago i was a

couple miles away and it was summer yeah it was summer like now and my window was open it's apartment living so there's other buildings all right and i screamed i i came out of it i came out of a dead sleep i know the neighborhood i said oh shit no and i just ran i screamed no and i ran my ass off but i was like where am i your first one hell no no i was i got here right after the northridge hit i was driving here uh left that day and got here so there was a massive ones it was 94 and there were massive uh aftershocks and earthquakes little ones that would happen after that too so i've had my share of them but man that one just i hate them you know what i mean like i hate them but i'll say this that one you're talking about i slept through it

it's the first one it's the first one in two decades i've slept through well this is what has me concerned i only remember three earthquakes since I've been out here for 20 years. I only remember three. Most of them. I remember there was one on the 4th of July. I think last summer my mom was like, oh, yeah. I was like, I didn't even feel it. I was literally walking down the street listening to music while it was happening.

I didn't even know what happened. But the only three I remember. My first one, I was living. Did you ever get to meet Stevie Z? He was the comedian with cerebral palsy. I don't think so. Oh, bro. I don't think so.

I don't fucking remember that. Straight up thug. Man, you have met some characters. He was my roommate. That's what I'm, okay, that's where I'm familiar with it. I don't, never met him, but that's why I know who it is.

Did I ever tell the Vin Diesel story about him on here? I'm not sure, but I want to hear, listen, let's just go out with a bang and laughs and shit and not be all corona down and everything let's hear some facts i want to hear some of your old groups you've met some characters out here let's hear about them all right my first apartment was probably just a couple blocks away from here was on berkeley in santa monica because there used to be a pizza place at ninth and wilshire called the slice yeah it was yeah i was in la for two days my brother's friend was like well if you're looking for the best wings in la go to this place the slice

and actually it's probably the best pizza in la there's one right by my over in santa monica too yeah so they had that was before that one opened up the original was in ninth and wilshire it's not there anymore so i go in there the guy my buddy who's now one of my best friends my buddy brian was behind the counters i literally just drove in from philly he's like where are you from like he knew i was not from here and i was like i just moved out here from philly he's like yeah no joke he's like you are not s Santa Monica at all. So he's like, what do you do? I say comedy. He goes, do you know Joe Mattarese? Joe Mattarese was the only comedian I knew in the world at that point. And Brian had gone to college with Joe's brother. They played baseball together at GW. So we became friends. I ate pretty much every meal there.

And he offered me a job delivering pizzas, found me an apartment. God, I forgot these stories. So I lived down on berkeley with two dudes i didn't know is this the same apartment tracy morgan made breakfast no that was a fat james apartment you got tracy morgan up in your crib what's that say about you like crazy making breakfast shirtless shirtless the littlest nipples in the world. Oh, I love it. He had the nipples the size of kittens. He did.

We were making burgers on a George Foreman grill, scrambled on eggs, Fat James cutting heaters, and Biggie Smalls shaking the walls at four in the morning. Fat James got the party with Tracy Morgan. Yeah, he used to call Fat James Cookie james cookie hey cookie you know i love you the best tracy morgan loved everybody man he did biggest heart in the world so let me hear about this good this roommate here so i'm living there that was my nicest apartment

nicest apartment i ever lived in in la was the first one I lived in with two strangers. And I told this story once on maybe it was a crab feast about when my car died, the bad transmission, and then I had to deliver a pizza. I was caught on a hidden camera show. That's when I was living at that place. So I had nowhere to go. And I met this dude. Pauly I was living at that place. So like, I had nowhere to go. And I met this dude, Pauly Shore was shooting a movie.

My first month in LA, it was just ridiculous. Cause I was working at the pizza place. Like I got a job right away, working at the pizza place. And then I was doing production assistant work for Pauly on something called Pauly Shore's dead. And we were shooting at a VFW in the deep Valley.

It might've been, I forget, but it's out by, like, not, oh, Panorama City. I knew you were going to say Panorama City. Did you? I was just going to say, we just talked about this on another episode about Panorama City. It was with Santino. Dude, Panorama City is tremendous.

It's a different world over there, bro. They were like, you should get a job here like at the vfw they'd be like you'd be a great bartender so they'd still let the old dudes in there and drink even though they were shooting a movie and there was a dude waiting outside who was going to be in the scene of the movie and he was wearing a philadelphia eagles t-shirt and he had like a dumbbell gold gold chain and it was my buddy stevie who um has cerebral palsy but was also like a bodybuilding thug that's no lie so stevie and i used to watch eagles games down here at a bar called the shack it was at 26 in

wilshire was it filled off the eagles bar so So Stevie was like one of my first friends in LA. So when the lease ended on this, I moved in with Stevie for 250 bucks a month. He was living in a Section 8 apartment in Hollywood before it got gentrified. Like it was at McCadden and Sunset. Yeah. And I remember there were dudes putting on a roof on our apartment building and the motel next door was all transvestite prostitutes every time i walked out of that apartment building like and walked down the steps i felt like axl rose getting off the bus

like that's what i felt like. I remember my toughest guy ever knew, Jiu-Jitsu Vinny, was like, you got to be careful in this neighborhood. This was a bad neighborhood. Well, anyway, that's where my first earthquake experience was. I was taking a shower and everything started to shake and I just ran outside naked with soap in my eyes.

I didn't leave the apartment. I didn't know what to do and it stopped by the time I was trying to come up with a game plan. But it was crazy. Let's take a quick break and tell you about our first sponsor, Hawthorne. Now, I don't know about you guys, but back in the day, my experiences of Cologne were horrible. I'm spraying it all over my body on places I shouldn't have been spraying it, burning things, everything else. Back in the day, you had like, you you had polo obsession, all that stuff.

But Hawthorne, man, Hawthorne, not just cologne, they've got all kinds of body products. Ash has been using stuff from the box. My stepson took both the colognes, haven't been able to get that back. There's shampoos, there's everything. Guys, if you're looking for a product that'll help you smell nice and feel good, Hawthorne's got you covered. Ladies, if you're looking to up your man's game, or maybe you all have some teenagers that are staying home right now in quarantine, stinking the place up, this is the stuff. All right? You take a quick two-minute quiz, and then Hawthorne will tell you the two colognes that are best for you. There's one for work. There's one for play. It is totally risk-free with shipping

and free returns. All right. So here's what you got to do. And I'm telling you again, we had soap, shampoo, conditioner, body wash, two types of cologne. There's all kinds of stuff you can get out there. Okay. It's not just cologne. There's all kinds of great products. Check out Hawthorne at hawthorne.co. All right. That's H-A-W-T-H-O-R-N-E.co. And use my promo code honeydew to get 10% off your first purchase. Again, that's H-A-W-T-H-O-R-N-E.co. Use the code honeydew. You'll get 10% off your Hawthorne purchase our next sponsor is raycon raycon and my favorite earbuds uh look hands down i've got two pair and again my stepson derrick took the other ones i'm listening to everything on them right now but i'll tell you what sounds smooth and buttery on there the honeydew y'all sounds good listen to your new. Listen to everything that's out there right now.

And they are premium wireless earbuds. And they're half the price of the other guys. I fully recommend them. I got Raycon's newest model, the Everyday E25 earbuds. They're the best ones yet. They've got six hours of playtime, seamless Bluetooth pairing, more bass. There's a more compact design, a noise isolating fit. Raycon earbuds are stylish. They're discreet. They don't have any of the dangling wires or

stems. The company was co-founded by Ray J and celebrities like Snoop Dogg, Mike Tyson. They're all obsessed with the products. Okay. You give them a try. Raycon has a 45 day free return policy. So you can make sure they're the pair of wireless earbuds for you. For a limited time, get 15% off your order at buyraycon.com. That's B-U-Y-R-A-Y-C-O-N.com. For a special 15% discount on Raycon wireless earbuds. Make sure to check it out now while the deal is still running. Buyraycon.com slash honeydew.

Our next sponsor is Upstart. You know how I feel about Upstart. They're the best, man. You guys have been getting the loans out there. I've emailed you back about it. I'm so glad you're taking care of yourself financially. And everyone needs to during these economically turbulent times. Everyone's looking for a way to feel more financially secure.

So if you're still needlessly throwing money every month at high interest credit card debt, it's time you checked out Upstart, the revolutionary online lending platform that knows you're more than just a credit score. Now is the time to find out how low your Upstart rate can be to help pay off high interest credit card debt. Unlike other lenders, Upstart can reward you based on your education and your job history in the form of a smarter rate. You don't need a degree or diploma to apply though. Upstart lets you skip going to the bank because it's completely online. They offer loans from $1,000 all the way up to $50,000 so you can consolidate your debt into one easy

fixed rate payment. Upstart makes it fast and simple to check your rate. And since it's just a soft pull, it does not affect your credit score. The hard pull happens if you accept your rate and proceed with your application. And the best part is if the loan is approved and accepted, most people get their funds the very next business day. Over 400,000 people have used Upstart to pay off credit cards or meet their financial goals free yourself from the burden of high interest credit card debt and get back to using your money your way with upstart see why upstart has a 4.9 out of 5 rating on trustpilot and hurry to upstart.com slash honeydew to find out how low your upstart rate can be checking your rate only takes a few minutes that's upstart.com slash honeydew now let's get back to the dude anyway stevie was one of my best friends but he was a thug

and uh like why what do you mean was was he what would he do he would like okay this is a true story yeah what sort of thug shit did he do all right so i was fortunate enough very early on in my career where i was paulie shore was let me open up for him i may have still been no this was 2001 so uh i get to mc for paulie and we'd go out on the road sometimes for two three weeks at a time now the night before i'm to go out on the road, I hear a female voice at like two o'clock in the morning with Stevie. And I'm like, oh, Stevie's hooking up, right? So, uh, I'm like, great. All my bags are packed. I have to get out and take an early flight. I go back to sleep. I leave two, three weeks later. I come into my, I used to always take a taxi from the

airport to the comedy store. I wouldn't even go home to always take a taxi from the airport to the comedy store i wouldn't even go home i'd go straight from the airport to the comedy store and tell everybody what the road was like like i felt like travolta in greece whenever it's like tell me more tell me more they're like what's peoria like you know what i mean because we're doing these and coming off the road i forget that i've been to 20 states or whatever in the last three weeks i forget the night before i left, I hear a female voice. So I walk into my apartment. It's probably 2 o'clock in the morning. Stevie's passed out.

And there's a chick in there scraping bong resin, trying to smoke what was ever left of the weed they were smoking. And I'm like, oh. And she was like, hi, I'm Paradise. I'm Stevie's friend. Paradise. Paradise. Almost paradise. We're knocking on Stevie's friend. Paradise. Paradise. Almost paradise.

We're knocking on heaven's door. All right. So I'm like, oh. So the next morning, Stevie catches me or something before I go to work. And he was like, look, that's my friend Paradise. She came into town for my birthday. She's going to be gone in a couple days. I go, was that the chick?

She's like, yeah, she's been here for like two, three weeks. Welcome to the jungle to paradise city bro well it turns out she was a stripper slash prostitute okay and they would get into they'd get drunk and get in the vicious fights these two would fight each other these two would fight each other cerebral palsy and paradise. Yeah, and I'm like, this is not suburban Philadelphia anymore. I'm like, how did this become my life? I just wanted to tell jokes.

And every night I can hear domestic situations on the other side of the wall. And I talked to Stevie about it. I'm like, hey, Stevie, this is no good. And he was like, yeah, she's going to get her own place. I go, this is one better. This is the opposite of paradise. I don't know what your idea of paradise is. Dear God.

It ain't this bitch. And this is after 9-11. Life was not good. So you actually had to sit down and talk to him about it i love that i love that you communicate with everybody it's it's a great quality it really is well i didn't like dude i it got to the point where i was leaving i would grab my checkbooks and my passport and never kept cashing me apart i would never leave anything there that could not be replaced. We were already cramped.

He was sleeping on a futon in the living room and I was sleeping in the bedroom. I'm like, this isn't a healthy environment. You can't have a third person who also happens to be crazy. Paradise fucked all in your bed when you were gone. For sure. Thanks. I never even thought about it. I know you hadn't.

I wanted to make sure. i brought it up for you i could tell you hadn't thought of it as soon as i heard the futon in bed room like bro every time you were out they were fucking in your bed oh shit yeah oh yeah all right so so we finally have to have a real heart to heart because he tells me she's gonna be in town for two days a week later i gotta talk to him now it's a month so she's essentially lived there for two months not paying rent and just fighting with him so i i take him outside and we have a talk and i started explaining why i didn't think that she was a good person to cohabitate with and how

i didn't feel comfortable there and he's just gone like this he's like yeah everything you're saying makes sense you're absolutely right but if i have to choose between her you i'm gonna choose her so the next day i just packed up my stuff. That was it. And I was in with Fat James. And then I went to go live with Fat James after that. You said you have more. I know you have more Fat James stories.

The funniest thing to me, and I'm sorry, I got to say, is that I was saying like something happened with the upload and it clipped the end of the story when you for and people were going, what the fuck happened to Fat J? Oh, I was dying. I go, what happened? Oh, shit. It was great. They fixed it. And you got to go listen to that.

To the Fat James Wheel story. Yeah. But I didn't tell you the Fat James Donuts story. I don't think so. I don't think so. And there was one where there was bullets flying over our head with stevie z i don't know if i told that on a i mean feel free to tell both donuts i'll just give you the short version of the bullet story we don't need to be short because we're an hour long podcast all right but i don't want to also here's the thing i'm fine

with sharing everything i've been through i don't want to ever put somebody else's business on the street i know we know you know yes all right but when you would ask me is stevie a thug yeah like he would like smoke weed spend his money on booze he's hanging out with prostitutes and then that neighborhood like i said was rough it was rough um and there was no i had no parking so i had to park blocks away and i'm with stevie and we're we park blocks away, and I'm with Stevie, and we're having a fight, and this is just the short version of the story. You and him are? Yeah, we would get into it.

Oh, okay. Because he's my roommate and my friend. That's how you know you really are friends before you can get into a fight. Anyway, I don't know if it was kids lighting off firecrackers, or it was the sound of automatic gunfire. There was a different tone to it.

I was under the impression in the moment, I never read a police report, nothing. But in that moment, I believed automatic gunfire. Because we're walking. It's just best to think that anyway. Anyway. Yeah. And, I mean, you could see the muzzle flashes. And you heard, like, yelling before it happened.

Like, it sounded like a drive-by. Okay? So, and I could, out of the corner of my eye i see muzzle flash and you're like it wasn't it wasn't firecrackers it was like yeah so i dive over a parked car right and i'm between the parked car and the curb stevie doesn't break stride and i went to grab him and he didn't care. He was like, nope. And he had his own reasoning behind it. And I'll tell you that stuff off the air.

But he was the real deal. And he became like a competitive bodybuilder after that. Dude's my hero. He didn't care to go. No fear. Plus he probably couldn't have dove over the car with the policy. I went to grab him. He pushed me off.

He was like, nope. He's like, listen, cult savers. Get the fuck off of it. Man. Yeah. So did you stay friends with him after you moved out? Yeah, the last time I talked to him was about a year ago. So who's the donut story then?

That's Fat James. All right. God, I feel like I told this one. Maybe. I don't know, to be honest. I hear so many stories, but I don't remember Fat James. Because I think the last time we got into Fat James, I just told Wheels. Yeah, Wheels, the whole build up to he finally

met him and then he said to him how did it happen he said to him how did it happen he's like what the fuck so what was it what was it and i just remember the look wheels is like this fat james goes so what and we also and he looks at me and he goes what was what straight the fat james i'll never forget to look like he he's a fat james what was what like that it was i couldn't believe and then the best part is the anxiety of sitting there waiting because you know he's going to say what was what. Oh, my God. Like, please, God, don't. Oh, my God.

Let me hear about the donuts, dude. All right. So I loved Fat Jake. But he also drove me crazy. Right. And I know on the last episode, I gave the bill like he would watch Friends in the other room and try to get me to come out and watch it. And he's laughing. And he used to have this habit.

He couldn't be by himself. You know what I mean? So he would always want me to hang out with him. And he would kind of wake me up in the morning. He would just start talking to me in my doorway. Like, hey, you awake? All right. So this was, uh, it was awful. I was working. I, I know this sounds like a lie, but I think it's

real and I'm going through all my stuff and I'm going through, like, if you count standup comedy and being on the road and travel days, I did not have a day off for over a year because i think at the time i was working at this pizza place down the street from the comedy store i was working at the comedy store and i don't think i was working at the gym yet but maybe i was doing telemarketing there was i always had for my first 10 years in la i always had at least two day jobs i've worked three to five jobs seriously right um since I've been here right since I've been here right and I never had like a good office I never had enough money to take the time to try to find a real office job and also people I know that took real jobs wound up giving up on comedy so I was working at least two minimum wage jobs all the time and

then like if you count different jobs at the I'm counting the comedy store is one job but it was like back then I found pay stubs because it's another thing on it we got $25 a ship to work the door so if I work that door on a Sunday and got there at 6 p.m. and stayed to one or two in the morning that's still 25 bucks a ship so I was exhausted I mean I've been running at that pace got there at 6 p.m. and stayed to 1 or 2 in the morning. That's still $25 a shift. So I was exhausted. I mean, I've been running at that pace, damn near that pace for probably five years at the time.

And then that, say, 2005 year, there was no day off. And I finally have a day where I can sleep in. So I have to talk to James. And I go, James, you can't. I'm going to sleep tonight and do not wake me up. And he goes, I don't wake you up. I go, James, just let me sleep.

I don't... You know how... Yeah, you've been working a lot. Okay, buddy. I need to sleep no matter what. Don't bother me. What if the building catches on fire? James, don't be an ass. You know, just no.

Now I have to make him repeat it like a little kid. What? I go, James, say no matter what, I'm not going to wake Steve up. Okay, I got you. I go, say the word. He goes, oh, you want to? I go, James. All right, no matter what, I won't break you up. Let's look at an emergency if the building catching on fire. I go James alright no matter what I won't break you up let's look at an emergency if the building catching on fire I go fair enough

I'm going to sleep I'm asleep I'm done and then I just I start I'm talking and I'm like what and I'm talking to James and I'm looking at him? And I'm like, why? And I'm talking to James.

And I'm looking at him. I go, James, what time is it? He goes, 8.30. I go, 8.30? Why are we talking? He's like, because I got the best news. I got to tell you the best news. I go, James, what did I say?

And I lose it. Like I go from like talking to realizing what's going on. And now it's Steve Martin in planes, trains and automobiles. And I'm just giving it to him. And I cross the line verbally. I'm like, you want to know why you don't have any friends? Because you're so annoying. Why do I have to be the only person that puts up?

And he's just taking it. And he went from having the best news in the world to share with me to just getting crushed and i feel bad for the things i said and he's just holding the doorknob and he's just like this you're right i should have let you sleep that's right he goes it's just that he goes just that my dad sent me some extra money and you've been such a good friend to me i wanted to share it with you and take you out to breakfast but i'll let you sleep and he closed the door and i'm like oh no i'm like i don't care i'm going back to bed i would say i'm like fuck your scramble so now i'm trying to go back to sleep and i'm like i don't care it's not my fault you should never be nice to him this is it and then

toss i turn about four minutes five minutes goes by i go that's it i'm awake and i open the door and i go let's go out to breakfast. And he's gone. He just left. And now I feel like the worst person in the world. Now I can't get back to sleep. So now it's about almost nine o'clock. I don't fall asleep until 11. He's gone.

Around two o'clock, I wake up and I open my bedroom door. I'm like, James. And I trip over a box and it's a box of donuts. He fell back donuts he fell back like yeah i wish i kept that though dear steve you're the only friend i've ever you're the sweetest guy in the world i know how much you like donuts i'm sorry for waking you up i hope this makes you feel better it's terrible did you eat those down god they're right yeah and i'm thinking about tying together like one of the things i wrote like if i look at my hours of stand-up like let's say my first one was dedicated to my brothers and then my next cd was kind of dedicated to my

mom then my next cd was kind of dedicated to my dad what i'm thinking about for my next hour at least was this was the pre-covid game plan and the cd would have been out by now you know was talking about friends because i i mean friends are really the best thing in life you know what i mean it's like family you get to choose and i started to really think about some of the best friends i ever had or people I never should have met. You know, where you look at somebody and you go, I don't even know how I became friends with this dude. We should have never met Joey Diaz. Never met Joey Diaz. I should have never met Roddy Piper.

Roddy Piper, yeah. Joey Diaz. Tommy Lee. Yeah, no. It's a weird, weird, great thing. Great thing. Yeah, it is. And that donut story.

This is how i was going to end my hour and i want to reach out to james's dad before i do it and that's why i feel like there's some stuff about stevie i want to share but i don't have his permission and there's some other stuff about james i would love to share and i don't want anybody to think i'm like exploiting anybody or i don't you're not though but But this is what, this is true. Like, okay. So that donut story. So I live with James. We were friends. We drove each other crazy, but there was a love there, right?

Like I remember once he hated when I'd bring people over. I remember this like 2002, 2003 and Ari Shaffir was hanging out. James just drops his pants. He's like, it's my house too. But he was so heavy that you couldn't even tell. He had tighty-whities on it. He had a Kamala belly. You know what I mean?

Yeah. So, like 2011, I got a phone call from Joey Cerise of Jimmy and Joey. Of course. They're the absolute greatest. Guys, look up Jimmy and Joey. They're the absolute greatest. Guys, look up Jimmy and Joey. They are the best. The best. Because there's been so many Jimmys.

Joey stayed consistent, though. Consistent, heart of gold, love the dude. And he called me, because you need to check in on your buddy, James. He's not doing well. I go, what? He goes, he's really sick. This is after you guys moved out? Yeah, I moved out five years earlier

okay i moved out in 2006 let's take a quick break and tell you about our next sponsor manscaped who is the best in men's below the belt grooming they obsess over their technology developments to provide you the best tools for your grooming experience that's why manscaped has redesigned the electric trimmer the manscaped engineering team spent 18 months perfecting the greatest ball hair trimmer ever created and just released the new and improved lawnmower 3.0 their third generation trimmer features a cutting edge ceramic blade to reduce manscaping accidents thanks to manscaped advanced skin safe technology and when i tell you this is premium, I mean this is premium.

Your balls will love it. The battery lasts up to 90 minutes, so you can take a longer shave. The water-resistant technology allows you to groom in the shower. And one of the coolest features is the LED light, which illuminates grooming areas for a closer and more precise trimming. And let's not forget about the charging stand. You can show your mower off loud and proud, because this intelligently designed stand is a convenient charging dock powered by

USB. If you're listening to me speak right now, I want you to experience it firsthand. Trim that junk of yours. Get 20% off plus free shipping with code honeydew at manscaped.com. Your balls will thank you. That is 20% off and free shipping with the code honeydew at manscaped.com. Your balls will thank you. That is 20% off and free shipping with the code honeydew at manscaped.com. One more time, 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use code honeydew. Our next sponsor is ExpressVPN. All right. So we all know how ExpressVPN protects your privacy and security online, right? But here's something you might not know. You can also use ExpressVPN to unlock movies and shows that are only available in other countries. So now that so many of us are stuck at home, it's only a matter of time until you run out of stuff to

watch on Netflix. So this whole week I've been using ExpressVPN to binge Doctor Who on UK Netflix. It's so simple to do. I just fire up the ExpressVPN app. I change my location to the UK. I refresh Netflix and boom, that's it. ExpressVPN hides your IP address and lets you control where you want sites to think you're located. So you can choose from almost 100 different countries. All right, so think about all the Netflix libraries you can go through, but it's not just Netflix.

ExpressVPN works with any streaming service. There's Hulu, BBC iPlayer, YouTube, you name it. There are hundreds of VPNs out there, but the reason I use ExpressVPN to watch shows is it's ridiculously fast. There's never any buffering or lag, and you can stream in HD with no problem. ExpressVPN is also compatible with all your devices,

so your phones, your media consoles, smart TVs, and more. You can watch what you want on a personal device or on the big screen, wherever you are. If you visit my special link right now at expressvpn.com slash honeydew, you can get an extra three months of ExpressVPN for free. Okay. Support the show, watch what you want and protect yourself with ExpressVPN at e-x-p-r-e-s-s-v-p-n dot com slash honeydew. Now, let's get back to the dude. I've only

told this a few times on stage because it's a lot of laughs. I'll do the wheels story and then James didn't make it. He had a rare form of cancer. They had a comedian's memorial for him at a place in the valley called Rocco's.

And James was so in on the Italian comedy circuit. It was great. It looked like central casting in there. Like a ragu commercial. A ragu commercial. That's what it, you know what I mean? It was all guineas and stuff, right? And I show up and Joey is like being the master of ceremonies and stuff.

And he's like, oh, I'm so happy you made it. Look, everybody's going to get up there and talk about James. And he goes, I would love if you had a couple of words to say. And I'm like, I'm not comfortable you had a couple of words to say, I don't mind. I'm not comfortable with it. You know what I mean? Like the weirdest thing about me is I don't, I want to hang out with you. I love the fact that podcasts exist and stuff, but this kind of all makes me uncomfortable. And I miss making people laugh. I miss being on stage, but I don't miss the attention. Like I have to pray and really try to figure out what God wants my life. Cause I

don't want to be out there. Okay. And even at this memorial, I just wanted to be there and pay my respect. Right. But Joey was like, look, it would mean a lot if you could get up there and say something. I'll tell you what, I'm going to put somebody up. I'll come check in on you. And if you want to share something, share it. But he goes, I really think you should, because you know him very well out of everybody in here. I'm like okay so he goes you want to do it I go alright he goes I'm putting you up next like it's a conversation I'm putting you up next and there's maybe

200 people in this place I'll light a candle to give you the time he goes like this he goes like this I'm not kidding he goes this next gentleman was very dear friends with James he actually lived with James he lived with james for four and a half years and you hear the whole audience go oh no i swear to god

do you believe that four and a half years this man's a saint give it up i swear to god i swear to god i I swear to God. I was like, nobody would ever believe this. They groaned in his view. Yes, that's not a lie. They go, this man lived with Steve for four and a half years. And you're ever go, oh. Oh,

that is fantastic. I can't believe this is my life. Oh my God, dude. That is so good. And't believe this is my life. Oh, my God, dude. That is so good. And then I told the donut story. And everybody's like, that's the perfect James story. I'll drive you crazy. But he had a heart of gold.

You know? And I think the reason why I want to share that, if I can get his dad's permission, is, like, share that, put it out there. And then, like, I think the real lesson is like love everybody you meet because when they're gone like i miss fat jane you know like i found some old pictures and i'm like and it would be fun to be hanging out with that dude right now some old pictures and i'm like and it would be fun to be hanging out with that dude right now

wearing he had a purple suit tremendous doo-wop voice really that's right you did say he could sing oh he his license plate said doo-wop yeah he killed it it's weird who you miss it's weird who you meet and it's definitely weird who you miss yeah that is the damn truth like i'm looking back at this last 20 years and yeah i have to like for me this is just a vacation i'm coming back but like there's so much uncertainty right now like i was at the comedy store the last three saturday nights just hanging out and uh i'm like okay when this place comes back i'll be back but i don't know when that's going to be and when it comes back without rogan without joey diaz it's not the same club just not going to be the same club but i was conscious

of enjoying the last five year run at that place what a time it's insane insane it was crazy it was absolutely crazy like i had a buddy of mine it was every bit of that who had i had a buddy of mine was real smart business dude and he was telling me he was like hey man work cruise ship he was like just make as much money as you can because he was telling me that the economy was going to tank a year ago before covid and he was like you need to get yourself a house you need to start thinking about retirement and he was like, you need to get yourself a house. You need to start thinking about retirement. And he was like, you know, he was pretty much telling me like, just be on the road as much as possible and who cares, whatever. But then he came to visit me at the comedy store one night and like, we're talking to Bill Burr and he sees Whitney Cummings. He's

like, is that Joe Rogan? And Rogan's like, what's up, Steve? And then after that, he was like, no, stay here. He was like, don't take easy money on the road. He goes, just be a part of this. He goes, this is incredible. And I knew it. I knew it was a really special place. I knew it was a special time in comedy in general. And I don't know, man, it's going to be great to get out on the road and start seeing people

again and start doing standup. But how long do you think it's going to be until we can do real shows? I have no idea. I have no, I mean, no one does. Who knows? Yeah. Who knows? It could be a year.

It could be two. Who knows? I mean, I don't know if they're going to let us, but I imagine until sports, live sports is a thing again. Isn't that so weird watching sports with no fans? Yeah. I mean, I listen to baseball. Me too.

I'm at that age too. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, age too destroyed my phillies last week um they're shooting all fireworks and pumping in crowd noise and all so that sounds yeah fine um but uh that's so yeah i don't know um i don't it's just a weird time but you know also think about it i look back at all these old black and white pictures of people wearing masks. Their pets have masks on it. I mean, we've been through this shit before as a race, a human race. And obviously we haven't been wearing masks since we've been born.

So we come out of it. So I don't know. Everything goes like this, man. It will come back. But, yeah, in the meantime, it's it's you know it's a different time for different a lot of people even outside of entertainment uh everybody's got so many people who i was thinking about the beer guy the other night that beer guy don't have a job right now you know what i'm saying but why is that guy i remember seeing a report when lebron left

cleveland and that was one dude that left Cleveland. And they were talking about it devastated the economy there. And I'm like, there's nothing right now. No baseball, no football. You can't go see anything. So many people out of work. So many people. Yeah, it's a tough time for a lot of people right now.

Yeah. But I am going to miss you, dude. We've had a lot of fun fucking times yeah a lot of so many laughs i'm glad to hear you're gonna come back i'm here yeah you know i'm staying right here and if the apocalypse jumps off you'll have a place with me i appreciate it if the apocalypse jumps off i think we're all done so it don't matter where you are i'll be i'll stay out here in 75 and sunny you know i can't beat the weather you can't no yeah just weird it's crazy time and it's weird that like we're doing this podcast

and i was like i don't know what stories i got and you're like well tell another fat james story and now i feel like we're having our sort of like goodbye with the cameras on. It's weird. I don't know. Crazy. You got some more fat James story. I love that he got to hang out with Tracy Morgan. Oh yeah. Cookie,

huh? Called him cookie. Dice. Dice used to call fat James chip. Cause he used to call, he told James he should change his stage he should use the stage name Chips Keebler Jr.

Maybe that's why Tracy Morgan called him Cookie but I don't know. I do know the last time I got to see Tracy Morgan he just picked up. I mean does that with you too, right? Mid-sentence, same spot. I think you said reunited.

Yeah, same spot. He's got, I don't know what that is. Didn't you go to the Playboy Mansion with him? Not with him. I went, and when I turned the corner, you know, we were outside, and there was Friday night fights live there. How did you get to the Playboy Mansion? Well, which time?

I've been there two times. I want to hear about both. The first time I got to the Playboy Mansion, because when I first moved here, this was 97, 8. So your first time out here was in 94, right? For college. And then I went back, graduated at Towson, finished up, saved what I thought was a ton of money and $5,000. Yeah.

And headed west in my 1990 Honda Civic with original rims. And I stay with my friends, Rick and Kevin, for a minute until I find a place in the valley. And I move out there. And I'm living in this little, like, it is a white trash melrose place you know what i mean same layout and shit but it ain't the same you know it ain't the same this is the neighborhood i think i've told you where i would jog and all the mexican dudes would tell me i'm the only white guy in the neighborhood and shit and the first night there the there's uh the cops come to the

building and tell us that there's some gang activity in a building a couple down, and there's chalk and a body on the street. Where was this Van Nuys? This is North Hollywood at the corner of Fulton and Sherman Way. And also in 19-whatever. Yeah, it's weird how neighborhoods change, right? So it's a rough neighborhood, and it had these old-ass windows, these glass windows. I've never seen them anywhere over

here but the slats you know i'm talking about oh yeah they open up sometimes they're frosted yeah no no screen yeah so i would open them and i'd get in the shower when i come out of the shower there'd be like three fucking cats in my apartment i'm like where the fuck are these cats coming from so i start seeing this lady and i start you hey, man, your cats are running in my apartment. You know, I'm animal friendly, but I don't need three of your cats coming in, pissing and everything else, you know, whatever. And I'm like, oh, this bitch is all sauced up. So it keeps happening and it keeps happening. And then finally she puts a nasty note on my car because she says I parked too close to her space or whatever.

So I went to her door and I knocked on her door and I go, look, man, you got these fucking cats running in and out of my place. So we're either going to be cool or we're going to have problems. Which is it going to be? And she's like, we can be cool. And I was like, great. And her name was Debbie. And she would come by my place all the time, sauced up.

And every night it was a snake, a chinchilla. How many animals did she have? They kept coming out here birds are placed reeked of urine like even when you get near the front door reeked of urine yeah so many cats and everything and finally she brought a snake and i'm like get that fucking thing out here and she's laughing i go what the fuck do you do yeah what are you where are you getting these animals and she's like i'm hugh hefner's uh number two zookeeper and i was like bullshit you're full of shit you're just some fucking drunk lady that likes pets and cock you

know parakeets and shit you know number two bro she ain't ever gonna be number one i'm not number one that's right i'm on the team but honestly very she could have lied but she was clear yeah she said i'm his number one. That's right. I'm on the team. But honestly, she could have lied, but she was clear. She said, I'm his number two zookeeper. And I was like, bullshit. And she goes, what do I got to do to prove it to you? I go, you can let me come to the Playboy Mansion and see what you do. And she's like, when do you want to come? And I'm like, tomorrow.

And she goes, okay. And I was like. And she's like, when do you want to come? And I'm like, tomorrow. And she goes, okay. And I was like. So the next day comes and she gives me the address. And I drive, again, my 1990 Honda Civic with original rims.

I have a picture of this. Over to the Playboy Mansion, the service gate. And I ring the thing. And I say. How did you even find it? This is before MapQuest. she gave me the address yeah do you have one of the thomas guys no you know what I never use a thomas guy and I would just drive and I knew where beverly glen was and she'd like you take the first left off of that boom boom and

it's right there I was like great so I get there and um I buzz the gate and they're like you know whatever they answer and I say hey I whatever the answer. And I say, Hey, I'm Ryan Sickler. I'm here for a Debbie. And then I don't, I hear it hang up and I'm like, I'm going to do it. And then the gate starts to open.

And I drive that little motherfucking Honda civic in the Hugh Hefner's driveway. And I park it in front of the mansion, which you don't get to do. I have a photo of it. It is parked in front of the mansion, which you don't get to do. I have a photo of it. Why? It is parked in front of the mansion. I'm like, you've got to be kidding me.

So then she starts taking me. I'm like, you really do work? She's like, yeah, I really work here. So she takes me in. He's got almost like a, I don't know what you call it, where the iguanas and the snakes and everything are. For lack of a better term, it was like a little rainforest area, a tropical area, a small little thing. But then there were albino peacocks, which I had never even seen.

And then there was this cage with these mini monkeys. I was going to ask you about monkeys. Yeah, dude. Did you have chimps, too? No, I wouldn't have fucked with chimps because they can rip your face off. Yeah. Remember that guy that brought the birthday cake and they ripped his testicles off? No. That's a real story. Where?

The guy had like a baby chimp and he donated it to the zoo. He had a chimp. He had a special time with the chip and a special spot in his heart so he'd remember the chip

on his birthday. And he showed up expecting the chip to blow out the candles and he ripped his classical chip. expect the chip to have one of those fucking moments. He thought he had one of those lion reunited moments. That's a true story. I got his nuts ripped off.

Yeah, because I still want to kind of have a chimp, but I think about that. No, you don't, dude. Because I have the strength like four or five men. Anyway, these little monkeys are in this cage. We're in a room like this, and they're way up there. She's like, I'm going to step out. I'm like, don't step out.

She's like, I'm going to use your cameras. Back then, I had a VHS-C camera, the compact VHS that went in. She's shooting it for me. I don't even know where the fuck that is. These things just descend. I'm giving them grapes, and they like boom on my shoulder boom and they had the hands were about this big but it was so creepy it was it was fleshy and it would touch your skin it was like oh it'd be like these mini mini mini hands yeah so then raccoon hands yeah but fleshy you know like feeling like our skin yeah um so then she took me in um into

like the playroom and like this this it was just a fuck room and the the floor it must have been this thick padded like you would sink into it just so you could just it's probably an orgy floor what's an orgy like uh i'm guessing just you know everybody all lay comfortable and fuck each other has i've never been it was probably something for the kids i don't know i'm just calling it orgy floor but i got to go into the grotto and into the like the hot tub and the pullway area and everything all of it so i was like holy shit this this alcoholic lady is legit yeah for that at least so that's how we started off the second time, the Tracy Morgan time,

a friend of ours, zoom me back home. He hit us up and he was like, yo, I'd ever tell you, I think he's, his sister was biz Marquis business manager. That's great.

And so biz was DJing, um, the SB after party. I remember that Fox. And then he was also DJing the playboy Mansion party that they had before the SBs. I was like parking cars for that SB. Really? Yeah.

Helping people get in and out of cars. So he's like, we're coming out. Do you guys want to be our guests to the Playboy Mansion party? And then we can't go to the SBs, we can we can go to the after party that's where you want to go anywhere at the sky bar at the right there across the store at the madrion i'm like fuck yeah and i've already been to the playboy mansion so i know the lay of the land i know where we're going i know what so we get on shuttles uh which we first of all we're like how the fuck do you not ever tell us that your sister works with like biz i mean jesus christ he's iconic so we get on the shuttles at the mondrian across from the

store take us down through the neighborhoods and i'm on the shuttle with peyton manning we're on the shuttle with um antonio tarver at the time olympic athletes and uh we're just an amazing event the sb's is so cool and we're in the back just making people laugh and we're having a good time because we're not any of them you know what i mean so we get to the um lavar errington was there and his wife or girlfriend i mean man you we get there and um it's just everyone that's not currently in season. There was no NHL players. I think the NBA players were not there, but there was football, a couple other sports, live boxing, or ESPN boxing right there, Friday night fight. And I ended up being friendly this night with these two twins, these girls that were Olympic athletes who were, I don't know if they were swimmers or gymnasts they were cool as shit and they just rolled with us and hung out with us

and you know we're seeing tom brady and peyton manning you're also realizing how big these motherfuckers are you know and you're seeing a guy like troy acheman or or fucking peyton manning and you're thinking well he's that big and these linemen are bigger than him like jesus christ the size of these people so there's hot chicks and there's the playboy buddies and i'll tell you what the the women that came with the men or were invited were 10 times hotter than the playboy girls they had body makeup on and shit there's the fucking grottos going on there are people back there i'm like i'm seeing the albino peacocks you know what i mean like it happened i fed the monkeys they're like what because you can't park up there so you know we're going around whatever and then we turn the corner and here comes tracy morgan and it's i mean it's like you said it's a little over here he's like ryan sickler

and it is boom and no one can believe i know him and he's being so nice to me there and he's like you're rolling with us and then the rest of the night we just walked around with tracy and let tracy be tracy and hung out with him and he's great and and here's the other thing tracy payton manning this is my boy ryan sickley he's a hilarious comedian he would that's every single introduction no matter to who it was he was fucking having your back on that i'm like what the fuck greatest dude he really is he is so fucking nice yeah i can't wait to run into him again i can't wait did i ever tell you my huefner story uh-uh part of the reason why i moved here uh-uh i'll tell you the short version because i know i i just always feel like

i told you all this stuff before but I've been out here on vacation. This is my vacation in LA. And before I ever moved here. And the two dudes I was out here on vacation with, my best friend Pete was my best friend in college. And he wound up setting a New Jersey state bench press record. Like, but the nicest guy in the world but like and he looked like a cop but like a jack cop but his buddy god rest his soul my buddy adam

was one of the largest human beings i'd ever seen in my life who was like a prison guard and like bounced in strip club and he was so uh had such a presence that wherever we went with that dude we got noticed and he would get offered jobs like he he took an extra cycle of steroids because he was going to the mecca to go to gold's gym like he was like i gotta i'm gonna hang a bang at gold's i call kogan and he was like doing incline bench presses at golds with like 550 pounds for reps just because he wanted everybody to stare at him he had he was giant I remember when I introduced him to like dice at the comedy store he's like I want that guy to be my bodyguard he goes he just has that kind of presence did he no no because he went back to Jersey and that was it he was like whatever

um but he was also hilarious like one of the funniest dudes i ever met like he was the one like when he would there would be fights and clubs that he was bouncing at he would just yell hot soup because people get out of the way so that became his his his catchphrase was hot suit. That's so good. Oh, and before the UFC, he would just try. Before we knew it was called the rear naked choke, he would put people in the sleeper just for laughs. He's like, Sally Grotz.

He would call me Sally Grotziano because he was a pro wrestler. He was like, Sally Grotz. He goes, that sleeper hold works. Like he was just such an idiot. He would try pro wrestling moves on people and stuff like that just testing him out because he was just testing him out yeah he told me that he started doing steroids when he was in high school he was sally grotz i never saw the 200s i go what he goes i was 195 pounds when i started taking anadrol and whatever else he was on he goes three weeks later i was 320 he weighed 320 he wanted he was at his biggest probably like 360 pounds he was of solid muscle no he had a

belly okay but like you know those big power lifters yeah like the the mountain that that strongest man the guys that are uh you know squat rack and cheerleading yeah my buddy robert my buddy competes with in the world's strongest man. My buddy, Robert, 400 pounds. Yeah. Those guys got you. So he was like a minute, a smaller version of that. You don't see that every day.

Anyway, long story short. Uh, I don't want to put it. So I'm at the improv. Like this dude is just going, doing his thing. And then, uh, I'm at the improv and i meet a famous comedian i know i told this on the i had to build this on um i think i probably told this on the feast so anyway we go to a strip club and pete and adam pick me up and i'm like we're gonna meet so-and-so at this club and they're like like, no, no, we're not. He was like a famous comedian who was just super cool to me. So I walk in there,

I'm a full-blown idiot. I'm wearing a Hawaiian shirt. I got Spain and Pete with me, but they're just my friends. But then they had this one strip club. They had like these little velvet ropes. And I see the famous comedian. He invites me over for a drink. Now, Adam and Pete are starstruck and they don't come up. So they're just like standing in front of the velvet rope because they're idiots. But if you're watching this from a distance, you might think they were my bodyguards. You might think that. Okay? I'm not saying, I never told anybody that.

You might think that. So, then, we're hanging out. I leave. So, now I'm hanging out with. Do you not want to say who the comedian is? No. Okay. Yeah, because I think maybe I did in the past, but.

Fine. The older I get, the more i go why i ever mentioned somebody's name do you know what i mean like you never so we're and i have a drink with them and i'm like i'm totally moving here this would never happen in philly this is crazy and that dude that comedian told me to move out here he was like you're crazy enough to actually make it in this business. So I'm talking to my buddies and then I get a tap on the shoulder and we're all like, this is all so surreal and crazy. And I'm, I've seen this dude after when Hugh Hefner came to the comedy store and they swept the building, like he was a head of state, his security detail. And there are certain people that just have a presence like you don't have to be a gorilla to have a presence this gentleman uh was like balding mustache a little bit older but he just had a presence that if he asked you to do something you said yes and i looked

down he had a little lapel with a play a gold bunny on it and he's wearing a a suit. Like, he's like, this dude is, he looked like Secret Service. You know, those dudes just have a presence. And he said, Mr. Hefner would like to invite you over for a drink. And I'm like, what? And he steps out of the way. And then another booth was Hugh Hefner

with like the six or seven blondes he was dating at the time. And like one brunette. And I'm like, and my friends were like, what is going on here? So now they're doing the same thing like one brunette and i'm like and my friends were like what is going on here so now they're doing the same thing and i sit down and i'm like you're sitting with hugh hefner yeah and six girls just the two of you and the girls yes and why okay here's the thing i would lie as a younger man here. Like, chunking goonies, right?

Like, and I think it just comes from insecurity. I know this is the honeydew. I want to be as open as I can about myself. I think, like,

for whatever reason in life, we all get damaged in our own unique way. And I don't think for whatever reason, somewhere in my psychological development, I started,

maybe felt like, no, I think it maybe felt like, no, I think it's very human to just not feel worthy, you know? And especially when I got drunk, I would tell lies to try to get people to like exaggerate or just get people to like me, give people verbal reasons to hang out with me. Like if you said you were from Kansas, I'd be like, oh, I have cousins in Kansas. Oh yeah Kansas oh yeah you know like just because I wanted to connect and it's very sad and needy but this really happened right

I'm hanging out here's Hugh Hefner and there's champagne and there's all these girls and I'm just like what is going on here so then I'm talking to like the two girls on the end it's like girl me and then everybody else and I'm making them laugh and stuff and then the one

girl they're over here whispering and then the one girl but has he introduced himself at all yeah have a drink and i'm like what is going on here so then the one girl's just staring at me because i'm not lying at this point i know not though i'm just being cool i'm just being open act like you've been there right but i'm not like not like, oh, I'm doing this and that. So then the one girl asked me and she goes, now what's the name of the show that you're on again? And I go, oh, I'm not on a TV show. Right. And then the other goes, oh, and they're like, oh, you know, I want to do comedy and stuff.

And then they're like, okay. And then one girl's still being nice to me. Then it's whispered down the line. And then the dude, the shaved head. Secret service. Yeah. Secret service dude comes back and he just goes, thank you for your time.

And I went, thank you for your time. I just got up. I was like, how did this even happen? But the problem was when I went back to Philly, everybody was like, that didn't happen. Oh, that's just like the time Michael Jackson used your bathroom. They were chonking goonies. He was like, no, the fratellis are real

but it was one of the reasons why i moved out here that's hilarious because of a mistake yeah because what it probably was if i were to piece it together and i don't know maybe they just saw me being an idiot and wanted me but they probably saw my buddies thought i was somebody i'm not and then at least i got to sit down with an american icon for a few minutes i love it dude it's crazy that is but i was never to the mansion yeah if you think about playboy it's a little creepy too now it's very creepy yeah it's it's a whole it was an empire built on that thing too disgusting if you really think about it joe rogan had the best bit about that oh they think i'm they're very lucky talking about eating the viagra lucky girl i did always want to go to uh mid what was it midsummer night's dream was the party they

would go every year i'll bet i'll bet yeah and it was that party too was nuts because the front lawn was vendors but like high-end vendors like cuban cig and shit. And it was all free. Oh, all of it. All of it. Yeah. Absolutely all of it. What a time. Different times, man. Well, I love you, brother.

I love you, too. I wish you well on this next little mini chapter. I'll be back, dude. I hope so. We got to do our thing. I know. We're going to do it. We got an email about that time.

I know. We sure did. We sure did. When life comes back, it's on, bro. Good. I love you, dude. I love you, too. Thank. When life comes back, it's on, bro. Good. I love you, dude. I love you, too. Thank you for doing this.

And it was great to get you here. I mean, this thing won't come out. You'll be gone when this comes out. When's it going to come out? A few weeks. Okay. So thank you, dude. Thank you.

Is there anything you'd like to promote here? Because I should be theoretically, who knows in this world, but theoretically, I'm supposed to be at the arlington draft house the fifth and sixth of september that's labor day weekend saturday and sunday we're not doing i'm not doing friday i don't know why but saturday and sunday and then the 16th through the 20th at the denver comedy work south i'm still i think i'm still supposed to be there for that all right so well thank you brother and take care of yourself let's go get some lunch

let's go eat as always Ryan Sickler on all social media ryansickler.com we'll talk to you all next week I'll see you next time.