The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Steven Randolph

Episode Date: September 16, 2019

My #HoneyDew this week is Steven Randolph! Steven opens up about the night before 8th grade. When he woke up in the morning, he had grown breasts. Overnight. Real breasts. Instantly his whole life changed. What happens next is a story that needs to be heard - addiction, getting kicked out of school and being caught with drugs in Tijuana that almost led to 10 years in a Mexican prison! This is one helluva story! Subscribe, download & review! Sponsors: Get started with the Hims complete hair kit for just $5 today right now at http://forhims.com/HD. Hurry to http://upstart.com/HONEYDEW to find out HOW LOW your Upstart rate is. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code HONEYDEW at http://Manscaped.com.

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a sweet phone plan, Netflix, Disney Plus, and Amazon Prime. All starting at just $99 a month. Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack, only at CUDO. Conditions apply. This episode of The Honeydew is brought to you by HIMS, Upstart, and Manscaped. More on that later. Let's get into the do.

You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sigler. Welcome back to the honeydew, y'all. We're over here at Studio Jeans, doing it at your mom's house. I'm Ryan Sickler. You can find me on all social media at Ryan Sickler. My website is ryansickler.com. Make sure you sign up for my email list. You'll be among the first to find out new information like going back out on the road with Tommy Bunz,

a.k.a. Teddy Loons, in October. Go to the website, check out my calendar. You'll see the dates. The website for here, thehoneydopodcast.com. That's where you can find all your merch, your information, everything you want to know about the Honeydew. And as always, you know, I like to say thank you, guys.

Thank you for supporting the show. Thank you for the emails, the messages. The best way to help the show is to support the sponsors. Go out there, give it ratings and reviews. You guys are doing all that. I love you for it, and I appreciate it. And if you're new here uh what i like to say is that these are the stories behind the storytellers we highlight the low lights

and today's storyteller is steven randolph everybody welcome back steven i say back because you did a crab feast that was so uh powerful for me that uh and you got to check that episode out uh that was i still get messages about that yeah that was five years later we're gonna get into a lot of that today but um before we do please plug whatever you'd like yeah i forgot to plug this last time um guys first and foremost i have a credit card processing company first and foremost a comedian on a comedy podcast. First and foremost, I like to help merchants, especially those who have had legal issues, been in trouble.

You're operating in the gray. Nadav, if YMH ever dips in the gray. Yeah, you guys get in trouble. We believe at GencoPay, that's G-E-N-C-O-P-A-Y.com. We believe in second chances. I'm talking to you, Kratom. Guns and ammo, tobacco, vape, CBD, Nutra, Nutropix. Nutropix, is it legal?

We don't know. We'll help you find that. I am partnered with a great attorney, Theo Monroe of TFMLaw.com. He half owns the company, so you know we're going to do it right. I just love to help you guys out there in e-com. Hit me up. That'sen copay.com i also have an instagram steven randolph too s-t-e-v-e-n-r-a-n-d-o-l-p-h-2 on twitter instagram um and yeah i have a podcast called so deep um you can find that at steven randolph.com we're into the comedy now yeah we're in the comedy yeah you know merchants i'm talking yeah i don't blame you travel merchants anything that's

kind of weird what's your podcast it's called so deep with stephen randolph great so deep is there anything else you'd like to put out there i'll be doing cobs with josh wolf in october yeah we love josh wolf here yeah yeah for Wolfe here. I want to be a good husband and tell you that Chelsea Skidmore, my wife, has a great podcast called The Chelsea Skidmore Show. Very nice. That'll give me points and some blowjobs at home. I wanted

to have you come on the honeydew because no doubt you are a honeydew. There is no doubt. I encourage everybody to go back and listen to your Crab Feast episode. But we're going to start in a specific place. So real quick, where are you from? I'm from Pasadena, California. Okay.

Local boy. And the story that you told, and I remember very well, you went to bed one night at how old? How old were you when you went to bed this particular night? I think this was like in seventh grade. So I was 11 and a half 11 12 years old okay 11 12 years old right at puberty the beginning of puberty yeah you go to bed yeah and what happens when you wake up in the morning it was it was like i think it was the night before eighth grade i go to wait the night before you started school yeah like around that like that summer right before eighth grade and because i remember hiding them during eighth grade and then

high school it was just a nightmare but i yeah right before like eighth grade i went to school with a normal little boy's chest and dude fuck this is so every time i tell this it's i've only done this a few times if you notice like on my on my podcast, I don't really talk about it. I don't talk about this a lot because it's so painful. Well, and I appreciate you doing it because I know there's so many other people out there. You are not the only person that's ever had this happen. You're the only person I know that's had it happen like this. But tell us what happened.

I woke up and I had tits like a chick. Like, not... Bro, tits. Not like the tits like a chick. Like, not... Bro, tits. Not like the tits I have now. No, not fucking dad bod tits. That I should be in better control of. Not tits, tits. Breasts.

Breasts. Breasts. Tits with big nipples. And were they... And you had no ink... There was no pain or... They were sore. They were sensitive.

No, I mean the night before leading up to no it was no you know what you know what there there was like a little like hardness in like like there was a little sensitivity for how long fuck dude right before your wisdom teeth come in how your gums are kind of sore and you know something's fucking brewing it was kind of like that same feeling like i was like oh that's weird like ah like they ah. And you wake up with breasts. Fucking, and I'm like. And what do you do? I just go, what do I do now?

I mean, what is that like? What do I do? You wake up in these. Like, were they proportionate to your body? No, and that's, here's the thing. Like, I fluctuate a lot with my weight. So, I've always been a little chubby. Sometimes I get a little skinny.

You look great right now. We've been talking about that. I appreciate that, dude. It's all carbs and sugar. I know. Carbs and sugar. I do night eating now lately. I've been sleep eating.

And I've got to stop that. I don't know how. But I woke up and I had tits. And no matter how much weight I lose, because then I was like, all right, I'm going to lose all this weight. They still stayed the same. So they were something outside of like, it wasn't just fat. It was tits. So can we just talk about this?

Yeah, I'm here to fucking bear with you. My brother, so when I started stand-up, I was at a coffee shop with him. And he was like, dude, your jokes are good and your stories are good. He's like, but when are you going to start talking about your tits? And I fucking grabbed him. And I was like dude your jokes are good and your stories are good he's like but when are you gonna start talking about your tits and i fucking grabbed him i was like what are you are you fucking serious dude he's like dude you're that's funny you had tits and i was just like and i told it once on stage i got booked on three more shows like tell the tit story and i just didn't want to be the tit guy you know like the city guy i want to be cool well you are thank you but you know a lot of fucked up shit happens to cool people.

I know. But it is what it is. And every time I tell this story, it does help people. And it's wild what a young man will do to avoid being. You know what I mean? So this is what's going through my head. Every young lady out there eventually is going to grow breasts and they are they're aware of it there are bras for them there's a whole training and there's a whole education about it but you now have the same thing they have but it's not supposed to be on you. So how do you even start thinking about swimming and showers in high school?

I mean, all of this. It robbed me. And I don't like to be a victim in life and be like, oh, I was robbed of this. Because, dude, I've had a really good run other than the tits. I've had a good run other than the tits. Oh, man. I feel like I'm a dog that's just like, why are you laughing, human?

You know, like, what's going on? So, yeah, I have. I'm a dog that's just like, why are you laughing, human? You know, like, what's going on? So, yeah, I have. I had a good life. Like, I've had a good life other than the tits. And I would say that to God. I would be like, man, like, people seem to like me. Like, I was popular in school. Like, girls, like, gave me attention.

But I had tits. And I would just be like, dude, if I just didn't have these fucking tits, it'd be perfect. It was like the Twilight Zone where the guy finally had all the time in the world to read, and his glasses fell off and shattered. And he was like, I can't read. It was almost all there. And being from Southern California, we were always swimming. We were always at the beach. I love the ocean.

Done. Done. Done. You're not going to a fucking beach party at 15 with all the guys and all the girls. That's done. That would be suicide, social suicide. So I got to be a master at, what would you call that, diversion. Just, hey, don't look over here.

Don't look over here. I convinced everybody that the beach wasn't cool. I quit football. I was like, the beach is lame. And I was kind of a popular kid. So I had a couple of guys be like, yeah,

the beach is lame. All the while, all I want to do is swim, dude. I had to convince people that like, Oh, pool party. What would you know?

Like you're saying cast. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Pool party. Like how lame. Let's go wear sweaters, dude. I had to convince people that like, oh, pool party? Fuck your sandcastle. Yeah, yeah. Pool party? Like how lame. Let's go wear sweaters, dude, in the summer. I use my salesman abilities to convince my friends that doing things without shirts. Love raging waters, bro. That's one of my favorite things to do.

Raging waters. Water slides. I love the ocean. I'm a cancer. And I just couldn't do any of that shit. out shirt love raging waters bro that's one of my favorite things to do raging waters water slides i loved i love the ocean i'm a cancer and i just couldn't i couldn't do any of that shit i couldn't none of it dude none of it all right so the moment you wake up with tits do you run right and tell your mom and dad dude here here's the thing and we talked a little bit the other night at the ice house about like therapy and stuff like that and not a dig on my mom and dad i i have great parents but first thing you know this this obviously was a thing that really fucked me up and changed my life changed my posture changed everything about me in like world you know not to be weird but while the tree was growing through puberty that's like

really pivotal you're becoming a man when i was becoming a man i was just shrinking and hiding but yet i'm this big personality i like people so it really like i could see if someone was looking at my chest i would either try to fight them or run away or do something grand right you know what i mean so like it was like this whole fucked up thing and my therapist goes what did your parents do yeah and i said they told me that they weren't there and and he said your parents were asleep and he has my therapist has a son and he said if my son had some weird shit had weird stuff or had tits or has weird ears he goes it would be it's solved

immediately plastic surgery plastic surgery immediately and i'm that that's my big message with this you got a fucking ears that you don't like you you have a nose that you don't like dude we're it's not the 1700s fast forward to the story i don't have pits i paid dr corbin eight grand to suck these fuckers out you know and now i'm i'm doing stand-up but i was like you got something weird dude there's there's plastic surgery and and yeah plastic you know getting addicted to plastic surgery that's not the answer to everything but dude it fucking changed my life it changed my life changed my life plastic surgery changed my fucking life all right so go move to a different town, get that nose job, come back with a whole new attitude.

What age do you finally get rid of them? Okay, dude, 28. What? And that's when I got sober. From 10 to 28? Or 12 to 28? Yeah, yeah. Wow.

Yeah, yeah, dude. Holy shit. All the fun years. All the fucking shirts off drinking beers fucking yeah you know what i mean turn 30 keep that shirt on man dude and that's when i fucking you know yeah so so i'm surprised you're not shirtless now dude i love taking my i would too i'll take it off by the end of this show i like taking it off now. So, okay. Why? All right. You don't tell your parents or you do?

They say, oh, they're not there. So this is fucked up. This is embarrassing. So I was sleeping in my bed at 15. All my family's going. My mom and dad, for some reason, I think because there's nothing they could do. I had another therapist that was like, there's nothing they could have done. Right?

Well, they didn't know that they could. In their world, they couldn't fix it. they're just like it's fine it's fine but i'm going to fucking school and it's not fine people are teasing me and i think a moment so people do see them yeah yeah yeah everyone thought there was a nip slip dude and then then it was this but then that was like death especially for dudes you. You know, you're a dude. It's like you do with tits, bro. You can't talk. No. That's some fucked up shit.

Yeah, especially for kids are going to call that shit out. And then going to an all-boys Catholic competitive high school nightmare. Nightmare, you know, nightmare. And I could see it in my eyes and pictures. I was just, oh, I was so angry. I was so angry. My parents were like, what is he angry about? What are you angry?

We have a good life. What are you angry about? But when it was, this was actually a weird moment. I have never shared this publicly. This is so embarrassing. But I was sleeping in my bed and one of my younger cousins came over who was a toddler at the time. And I was sleeping, I guess, with my shirt off. And she woke me up and she goes, and I was like looking at her.

I'm like, hey. And she goes, bo and she goes and i was like looking at her i'm like hey and she goes boobie and i'm like all right you know like i got you know what i mean she said boobie never forgot i've never i've never shared that in public or with in therapy but that's when i was like all right i'm not fucking insane like this kid it was like the kid booby i'm like thank you blair thank you blair blair's probably 25 now it doesn't when you're four you know she said booby and i was like all right i got tits it's official this kid just stamped it so you know i go i go through seventh or eighth grade i forget like catholic school like grammar school but it wasn't a – I didn't go to, like, a junior high, junior high. I went to a small private school. So I was able to, like, kind of just not – we didn't do shirts and skin shit.

And then right before freshman football, going into St. Francis High School. God, I'm just sitting here thinking about shirts and skins. You could never do that. Bro, you want that quarter toss when they're, like, one. You know, all the – all right, one, two, one, two, all the ones. Dude, that was, for an active God, I was always shirts. I said, God, if there's a God. You went perfect on shirts every time.

I swear to God. I said, if there's a God, I'll do anything. I'll join the missionary. I'll do anything. And I join the missionary. I'll do anything. And I actually didn't play football the next year because I was like, there's no way I could beat these odds, these shirt skins odds. You would definitely be shirtless in the locker room. At some time.

But, yeah, I would flip it real quick. But I had really muscular arms. I mean, I don't lift weights. So I just got my arms really big and wore cut off shirts because at least I could show something cool. And what do you hold, are you trying to use them, I can't remember, you use ace bandages or what do you use to hold them down? I did that once, I got caught at a

restaurant because they switched the shirts at Mi Piace from like this like cool Italian restaurant. They're like, dude, we're wearing rash guard style things and it was just, the material was just light enough to just, it was just like this. And I was like, Oh, like I almost had to quit my job, but that was during the heroin year. So I needed this job for the a hundred to 200 a day. We're going to get to the heroin. Yeah. Yeah. Heroin really

helps for tits. Uh, it just, you don't care that you have them there. I got tits. You want to suck them? You know, it was actually, you know, yeah. So, no, but I think the last, when I heard the prison gate just shut was, I never told anybody about it. I think I may have said something with my family. And they're like, no, no, no. And I'm just like, all right. I'm not getting any help here. Was, you know for did you play

football in high school i played soccer played soccer did you have to do like a physical where you cough and all that yeah for wrestling and you stand there in front of you stand there in front of schools and weigh in and stuff at tournaments yeah yeah like that kind of shit but i i went to this doctor right before and this was my last chance i went to the doctor you had to have a physical to play football so i was playing football. It was still like, it was only a new thing. I only had them for a year, year and a half or whatever. I'm hiding. I'm going, okay, this is going to go away.

This is going to go away. A year, a year and a half. Yeah, I'm like, this is going to go away because my body's changing. I'm growing. I grew three inches. I'm becoming a man. I'm like, eventually, I'm going to grow. You're going to outgrow your tits.

Outgrow my tits. But I did not. I did not outgrow my tits. Outgrow my tits. But I did not. I did not outgrow my tits. Praying for a tight end build here. Praying for a tight end build. Praying. Praying to God. God, take these tits away.

And so I had the balls to, you know, you're doing the thing where you cough. And I did the whole physical. Didn't have to take off my shirt, but it was a physical to play freshman. But this is like your own private doctor, right? My private doctor. My mom took me. You had to do all the tests, and it was this lady. And I'll never forget what a fucking cunt.

I've forgiven a lot of people, but this fucking bitch, dude. How evil. Like, I put my guard down. And after the physical was done, this, like, female doctor, I was like, I got to ask you something. She's like, what? You know, with her notebook. I'll never forget this, dude. This happened on Saramadre Street, Pasadena, 1994.

And she was like, she said, yeah. And I said, I got to show you something. And I want to know if there's help for it. She goes, okay, what is it? And I took off my shirt. And I said, look at this. And she goes, nothing you could do. And pulled my shirt back down and walked away.

Nuh-uh. I swear to God. I'll never, you know, there's mean things. There's people that are dismissive. But I just thought, how could you be so closed off and in the dark? If someone walked in during this thing and said, hey, dude, my fucking left elbow, I'd be like, hey, we'll get to that right at. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not the guy for that, but I can help.

Like, thank you for sharing that with me. I'm a little kid's fucking, you know, a 13-year-old kid. Let me refer you to someone who I think could help you. Surgery, it's going to be a big deal, but you know, you got to think this boy's coming to you to get into tackle football at an all-boys school. He just showed you that he had breasts. And she just went, nope.

It was like something out of like a movie, you know, where like a closed-off teacher would be like, nope, sorry, class dismissed. It was just like, you fucking bitch. You know what I mean? So I was just like, after that, that was my last attempt at asking anybody for help for this horrible, horrible, embarrassing, terrifying thing. So that was the last.

That was, for me, I ask for help now all the time, dude. But that was a big deal for a kid to ask somebody for help for something that was so embarrassing. And they'd just hear that, nope. And then put it down, and now we're in high school. Now we're fucking in high school. So do you play football that year?

I played football that year. It turns out I'm not that good at football. How did you avoid keeping your secret? I just got to the locker room first. I was the locker room first. I was the first to change. Your whole life, your schedule, everything is patterned around these tits.

Everything, dude. Everything. Getting blowjobs. Yeah, sexually active in high school. Yeah, I was a fucking sexual maniac. But I always had my shirt on or waited until the light was off perfectly. But they couldn't feel them? Maybe girls are nicer than guys.

Girls are definitely nicer than guys. You know what I mean? Yes. Girls are way nicer than guys. I never thought about that. Maybe girls are nicer than guys. Way nicer. Yeah.

Yeah, the girls I was sleeping with. They have compassion and heart and soul and yeah yeah i never thought about that there had to be yeah someone probably felt empathy you know that thing that high school guys like and that's a, that's a nightmare. But then I start, I start doing drugs. Yeah. So, I mean, obviously this has got to be fucking with you. Dude.

Do you think you would have not have started the drugs that you started if you didn't have tits? And I always struggle with that. I wonder, I wonder if that, what about that, right? Because I'm an alcoholic, I'm 11 years sober, all that stuff, right? Congratulations. Thank you so much.

And I wonder sometimes, what I've got to in my head is, there's probably 10,000 people on earth with this, or more, I don't know. Yeah, I was gonna say, do you know now that since you've gone through it, like what percentage of this happened? A few times I've squeaked this story out on stage. And when I have the guts, every single time somebody's come up to me afterwards, because I have this,

how do I get help for this? And I currently have it while they're talking from this podcast, people from your podcast, from the crafty. Really? Yes. People reached out and said, I have this now. Yes. What do I do? That happens a lot. Could you imagine if you had that back then? It would have changed your life in a week. You would have been like, I'm going to get these fucking taken care of. So my dad, and my dad told me this story in high school while I had tits

and I don't know why he didn't fucking take me to do it. So he said he was in his 30s and he was at a park and there was this really good looking like, like, 6'4 dude, like, athletic dude playing with this kid playing frisbee. And my dad's like, I knew this guy. I know this guy.

How do I know this guy? And my dad eventually went up to him and he goes, I feel like I know you or something like that. And the guy goes, I'm so-and-so. And my dad goes, the criminal kid. And he goes, yeah. My dad said this guy got arrested when they were teenagers for two armed robberies. He was the local town in Burbank, armed robber, bad kid.

The guy said to my dad, I ended up, my third court case, went with my mom. He had a nose out to here. It was like a beak, right? The judge, this is in the 60s, dude, in Southern California. How progressive. He said, the judge sentenced me, pulled my mom and me up to the thing and said, it's because of your son's nose. He's acting out because of his nose. I sentenced him to, you're to get plastic surgery. No. Swear to God. You can sentence somebody to get plastic surgery.

You're getting plastic surgery. You're putting him in a different school and he's coming back and you're not talking about this anymore. And he goes, that judge saved my life. Wow. He goes, I went with my mom. We got the surgery. I left school. Everybody thought I must have went to prison or something, and it changed my life. My dad was like, he was just some regular dude.

Now I just shoplift from 7-Eleven. Yeah, exactly. I don't need the gun. I don't need the gun. I don't need the gun, bitch. But my dad told me this story, and I was like, I got tits. You know? So, yeah.

So I'm like, I'm going through high school with this fucking nightmare. Is this interesting? You fuck? Yeah. Is it interesting? Like I said, you're the only person I know that grew tits. Yeah. I mean, only guy.

It feels like when I'm telling the other stories, it feels like a rush. This feels just like I'm a filleted butterfly. I feel like a butterfly in a glass right now. I completely get it. I don't feel cool. I'm trying not to laugh at things. You can laugh. The way you say certain things is your comedic style.

Okay, okay. It's fucking funny. Okay, yeah, because right now I feel like. I had a good run. Everything but the tits. Yeah, that's the truth. That's a great line. That's the truth, man.

But right now, I feel like I'm flying out into space with this tit story. I'm like at the studio. It's just so strange. It's so strange because it was something that, you know, I did a lot of ecstasy. I did a lot of meth. I did a lot of cocaine. What started your interest in it? In that?

How old? High school, you start drugs? Yeah. 16, 15? Freshman year. Oh, okay. I went. So the summer going into St. Francis High School, I'll tell you this.

Most of the people from my. So I would have been the class at 98. I got kicked out. The class at 98. I was there actually the same time. D'Elia was in a school next door, but I didn't know him. Okay. I locked me out of high school. But my class at 98, a lot of the guys died or dead or in jail

or are in serious trouble. We had a really, I guess our class, the class of 98 at St. Francis High School in La Quijada was one of the worst classes they've ever had. I know a lot of people say, oh, but there's just something in the water. I mean, my mom, teachers, they would say, you know, the school's been here for 60 years. This is the world. There's just something in the water with my class. I want to write, the book I want to write isn't so much about my life, but it's about

this high school. For the couple years that I went there, I mean, guys were overdosing in class. On what? What was the big thing then? Coke or pills? Pills and heroin. Guys were smoking crack. I went into this.

It's a lot of rich kids. These are affluent. I was going to say affluent, yes. I went in. So we were all playing football, right? So you play football in high school, but you do that summer camp for football before you get into the high school. So you almost kind of know a lot of the guys that are playing football

before that first day of freshman year. So everybody else comes and no one knows each other. So there's a couple summer parties with the football players, and we're all leaving eighth grade. We're kids. We were fucking 13 years old. I was more, you know, 13 years old. And they go, hey, we're going to go to,

there's a party at one of the guys' houses in Eagle Rock. And I know that some of the guys are smoking weed, haven't really smoked yet, taking a couple sips of alcohol. And I get there and the one guy's older sister was pregnant. There's a baby monitor next to her. I walk into this party and one of the people at the party go, hey, go down to the basement. Everybody's hanging out in the basement. I thought we were all just going to be drinking Dr. Pepper, fucking watching funny movies. And I walk in and this lady's pregnant and she's smoking what i thought was weed and there's

a baby monitor next to her she's pregnant i'm like what's going on and then some of the guys some of the cool guys from football were down there i'm like what's up and someone goes past the brillo pad and i go past the brillo pad and everybody laughed this whole room of 13 year olds and the older sister was probably 16 laughed at me for not knowing crack was smoked. You smoked crack on top of Brillo pad? I didn't know that. Yeah. You smoked. And I didn't know that.

And I was like, I got a huge, everybody started laughing at me really hard. And I was like, oh, crack. You know, cool. And everybody, 13-year-olds were just smoking crack. Are you fucking serious? Not kidding, dude. So then. Where were the parents?

Just gone for the weekend or just gone? Yeah, upstairs, you know, hanging out. Upstairs. It was just like one of those houses. You know, one of those houses where the dad was just drinking. It was like no big deal. And so I'm like, this is high school, but that wasn't as scary as taking my shirt off. Yeah, I'm in this den of everybody smoking crack, but what would be scarier is if we're

like, hey, we're all jumping in the pool. So anything that wasn't taking my shirt off wasn't scary to me, really. So then they started smoking PCP. I'll never forget this. The same night? Saying that everybody starts smoking PCP. This is the same night? Yeah, yeah.

And so I go. Holy shit. No wonder they're overdosing and dying. I didn't hit crack, right? Because I was like, that's crack. But they're like, this is PCP. It's just going to make you feel funny. And so I took a huge rip of PCP,

started smoking it a little bit. And I was like, what now? And then the guy threw me an aluminum, like a little bat, like a little T-ball, T-ball bat. He's like, let's go up and whack trees. So I'm just up whacking. We're just smoking PCP. I'm 13. We're just whacking a tree, boom, smashing it like, like maniacal. And I remember it bounced and came back and split my lip and I just started laughing. I was like, you know, just like, I had the time of my life. Meanwhile, the dad's up in the windows like, they got the PCP. Yeah, the PCP's happening. They got into my PCP stash,

baby. And I remember, I think the dad was like a retired cop. Weird scene. Unbelievable. Got Eagle Rock. It's so weird, right? It's so crazy. i haven't thought about that well i'm retired so fuck it dude these are the same guys i i i went to high school with the with you know all these guys and two of the guys i smoked pcp with i also went to grade school with and i remember i spent the night at their house we smoked cigarettes really early on like from

sixth grade i was already what see i want my daughter to listen to all these episodes i'm i started smoking weed at 21 that is the truth these motherfuckers started way early 21 california well you're raising your daughter in southern california yeah i know you got it goes fast yeah it goes faster it goes really it's fast here it's faster i was 13 that is no doubt it is just it's. Even the guys I grew up with told me about the sexual stuff they were doing in sixth grade. I'm like, we were lucky if we were just rubbing a titty over a sweater. You know what I mean? You want, I don't know if this is funny or just, just sad, but, but at this point,

Mark the time code on this. Same, same group of guys. So our class was so progressive and like the guys were bigger and stronger not me i was just always kind of the amount of drugs too like it was this those are intense drugs to be doing back to back i know crazy and it was it was my it was our class right so my older cousin ross who's funny as fuck he was a senior at this same school so so now school started September October and we're at we're at a fucking uh a backyard party but we were like the senior class like our class was so crazy on drugs everybody was just like on steroids and like

we our class looked older than the seniors so the seniors who were trying to be all cool our class like and not it's not me that was like behind this but like a lot of the guys they were just bigger faster stronger crazier we're taking this new freshman class it was like get the fuck out of here we were walking they're like you can't walk on the senior lawn we were just eating lunch on the senior lawn like what you know but it wasn't me but it was like a lot of the like tough guys i fucking i i grew up with but we we went to this class I remember I okay so I met these two girls Halloween freshman year and everybody made fun of me because these girls were like goth girls and they were way above like they were just like skanks dude and we were freshmen and they're just like this this one girl liked me and this this

other girl like my other my cousin at on this Halloween like night that we're just smoking cigarettes around Pasadena and she's like you could do anything to me i was like let me suck your tits like i thought that was so cool right and she was like huh okay you know and i and i did and everybody like made fun of me like that that's all i did you know just like that's all you wanted to do well i saw these same two girls at a at a backyard party the senior backyard party at saint francis and the one girl was there again. And then her friend was like, I want to start sucking some dick.

And just announces it. Just announces. I'll never forget this. So these are all guys that I'm in freshman class with. And there's like seniors. There's some girls at the party, like older kids. Like we were supposed to be like the nervous freshman.

And I didn't participate in this, but the girl drops her knees so my cousin gets his dick sucked. Another guy... I like how you're trying to whisper it right now. There's microphones and cameras. My cousin got his dick sucked. I just felt bad. I shouldn't say it.

There's a line forms. A line forms where this girl's just sucking... I swear, I'll never forget this. Sucking 20 dicks. Oh, my. And so all the seniors are going, you know, trying to get a girl. Stella, you're not going to any fucking parties.

Are going, what the fuck's going on at this party? Like, you know, this is weird. But we just turned it into this like weird sexual. So there's just this like gangbang going on with our class. So I guess I'm just giving you examples of how weird and twisted our class was. And what drugs will do to you. The guys that were a part of this were all the guys that were smoking crack and shit. And doing heroin.

Doing heroin freshman year. Heroin, crack, and PCP. Yeah. Nobody was just drinking or weed? Not really, no. I was drinking and doing weed. That's all I wanted to really do. Man, that's heavy shit.

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i really like i had a thing for meth i really like meth got in all kinds of trouble with meth so now we're all we're all getting kicked out of the school at left and right everybody's getting kicked out of saint francis high school our class is it because they're being caught with drugs caught with drugs the quarterback got caught with drugs this this guy did this thing this guy did this thing this guy went to jail. This guy did. So they're weeding our fucking class. That school was by far.

Weed should have been what they were doing. I know. I know. And they're just like, all right, we got to stop this. So my cousin gets kicked out. This person gets kicked out. Everybody's smoking meth. People are overdosing in class.

And I think you asked what it was. It was that, God, I forgot. What's that drink? Tom Segura had an overdose what it was it was that uh god i forgot what's that what's that drink the thompson had an overdose on it he was talking about on his thing i forgot i forgot what it's called the the rate ghb yeah thank you people were doing g like getting uh uh uh brought out on stretchers in our class and they were just like what is going on so um was this also because that's that whole steroid and everything era? You guys had that and you were just beefing up. Yeah, and it was the 90s, so it was like a lot of rave stuff too. A lot of zebra pants and shit like that.

Yeah, embarrassing pictures. Embarrassing pictures. The photos were just deadly, if they ever surfaced now. So I start doing pills. That's not everybody I know. Wisdom teeth. Got my wisdom teeth pulled. Loved it.

Couldn't get enough of it. Started doing heroin. And what was it they gave you? Oxy or Vicodin? Vicodin. I loved it. And I told this on your mom's house, so I won't cross-bleed too much. But yeah, I got into that.

Started doing Oxy later like with the Jackass dudes like I was a part of that whole thing and their magazine called Big Brother Magazine that later became Jackass one of the coolest magazines there's like coffee table book and I think there's a Hulu documentary about it but that was some of the most fun I've ever had in my life was working for Big Brother

Magazine it was basically like an unedited Jackass so you think Jackass is crazy Knoxville was shooting himself in the chest with a bulletproof vest. And it was just really, really good. That's all at CKY. Yeah, CKY was happening. They were doing a little stuff with Big Brother. But that was at the same time those got married and became that.

But a doctor kind of surfaced on the groupie scene. It was like, I'll write scripts for anybody. And I was like, huh. And long story short, I get hooked on Oxy. And then one day, i can't get that and i i i my friend and i just went downtown and we we start doing heroin all right so because josh adam meyers has told some crazy stories too about going down town town how do you know where to go so funny so so one of one of the guys that i that was initially smoking crack was like i don't know where to go. But he wasn't shooting it yet.

He was just kind of a miscellaneous drug user. So one of the guys from freshman year were like 22, 23. We were actually getting that stuff from, I don't want to get anybody in trouble because I think they might still be in operation, but there's legitimate businesses around Hollywood thatwood that also sell um vicodin and oxy and injectable vicodin so we bought one day they were out of the office what do you mean legitimate businesses they're businesses that pharmacies uh like workout places i see see a lot of like buff dudes in there yeah they sell the cops and so they're able to let it.

Cops love meth and steroids. You ever get pulled over? Hey, pull over! Why are you so aggressive with your biceps? I'm saying you see it. Coming hard at you. Not all of them, but it's a competitive thing. But I know the guy you're talking about. Yeah, that guy.

But it makes sense to me. You want the physical advantage over some fucking lunatic. Yeah, you're working crazy hours. The people that are gravitated towards those jobs are thrill seekers probably. No judgment over here. But I think that's how a lot of times these places are able to stay around. So we start buying from there. And the guy, I'm waiting in the car,

and he comes back, and he's like, yo, dude, the guy is all out of Oxycontin, but he's got liquid Vicodin. I'm like, yeah, great. And he's like, but we have to inject it. And I was like, eh, okay. Well, the guy that said that, he was starting to do steroids, and I got used to doing pills and going to his house

and having needles everywhere and one time he was like hey can you inject me because he got too big to inject himself I was like fine I'm better fucking whacked out on pills doing coke and I injected him and he has a bunch of clean diabetic needles really thin diabetic needles and I think this is

everybody always wonders what's the leap towards that. The leap. I had a friend that had, he used to shoot roids and he would show me the needles and he's like, these are the needles. You don't feel these needles. And he said it, the doctors get the ones because they're cheaper.

Yeah. You, but the needle he showed me, I mean, it looked like it just, it just went, it just disappeared in his skin. It didn't look like it punctured or anything.

If you were talking to that camera, I could probably sneak one in yet. Yeah, you wouldn't feel it. It wouldn't be a big deal. You wouldn't even feel it or you'd feel like a cold of the needle. So I got used to hanging out at this guy's house. Good friend of mine still. He's sober now. But I remember I took a sterile needle.

I took it out of the thing just to fuck around. I was high, just fucking around, just kind of itching myself with it. And I just put it in. I was like, oh, that doesn't hurt. You know, so just kind of save that for later. Like, oh, that's weird. In the movies, it was always just Leonard Skinner playing. It was like, that wasn't a big deal.

So I got, that wasn't a big deal. I need these pills. And when you don't have opiates, oh my God. Oh my fucking God. The pain. The pain. The pain. It's terrible.

Really? Terrible. It's terrible. I was cold turkey detoxing at my dad's house. I did that a couple times. I kicked at my dad's house. This is kind of a funny thing. I hate being seasick.

I get really seasick and really carsick. I hate it. I get sea queasy. You get sea queasy? Yeah. I don't actually vomit. I just get sea queasy. I get seasick.

And I was withdrawing, and my dad was caring for me. And I was like, oh, oh. I would just watch the movie The Aviator. I got obsessed with the movie The Aviator. I would just shoot heroin and watch that three times a day. That was my thing. It was weird. But I was at my dad's house withdrawing i was like wearing a blanket just like dying my dad was like how bad is it i'm like it's so bad it's so bad this is so bad and he goes is it is it worse than having the flu i'm like a hundred times worse

he was like is it like being seasick i'm like not that bad i always thought of that i was like laughed at myself while i was like not that bad that's always thought of that. I laughed at myself while I was in a draw. I was like, not that bad. That's an 11. This is a 10. So Aaron Wood Draw is bad, but it's not as bad as being seasick. It's right at that edge. But, you know, so the guy comes back to the car.

We're in Hollywood. He goes, they got these, and he showed it to me. He goes, it's just liquid. So you're sitting in a car while he goes into this gym or wherever he goes, and he comes out with this thing. Yeah. Okay. And he goes, they have this.

And I go, fuck it, yeah. It's a little liquid vial. Yeah, and the guy goes, hey, this is a whole different game than what you guys are doing. He warned him. So he told me as we were about to do it. He was like, hey, the guy warned me. I was like, I don't give a fuck, dude.

I'm, like, going to get sick. Like, who cares? And we just put it in, and we didn't know what we were doing, and it felt awesome. And it wasn't like this big dramatic thing. did you hit a vein do you know no i just put it in your body pushed it in and i was like oh i'm not sick anymore i feel euphoric and how how do you know how much to try or anything i had no idea that's what i'm saying just putting this in yeah just so then whatever this guy just gave you in your body with a needle in this body you don't even know if it's what he said it is. Yeah.

That guy might not even know it's not that. Yeah, well, I think this is, of all the stuff I did, this at least was made in a factory. It was liquid Vicodin. So then fast forward to I'm with this guy and we're getting this shit, and one day they don't have this. Well, I'm sure as fuck not going back to Vicodin after shooting Vicodin. Yeah, right?

I guess that's got to suck. Yeah, it's like, dude, I'm not going backwards. And so then he goes, you know, this was my heroin buddy, you're my opiate buddy, and so he goes, hey, let's go downtown. I used to smoke it. I know where to get it. Dude, you're two white boys and you walk downtown

and they just go, hey, get over here. You know, like it's on. And what, just out on the open street? Well, you can Google this. It's really interesting. From the 70s? They're waving you in like De Niro trying to what, just out on the open street? Well, you can Google this. It's really interesting. From the 70s? They're waving you in like De Niro trying to get her to go in the fucking thing. I swear.

It's like in there, right in there. They have kids waving you in. Oh, come on. It was on 5th and Spring. That's there. Or 6th and Broadway in downtown. And there's a corner you went to, and there'd be three Hispanic kids. Always young kids because they maybe don't do as much time so

the guys would probably be waiting away he's got three little puerto rican kids out there kids and that that felt weird yeah that felt i felt i i didn't feel good about that but i needed it so bad but then i was just like this this is all bad right you know like this it was just like their version of the wire yeah it'd be like some 12 year old mexican girl out there like what's up and you're just and she they're just looking at you so you're pulling in your car or you're walking in or whatever they spot you right away and it's just it's that's no longer now that's been gentrified and if you go to those same corners i just mentioned now i i have genco payments.com i have a business where i work i work downtown and i'm with my i'm with my partner at genco that's g-e-n-c-o-p-Payments.com. I have a business where I work downtown, and I'm with my partner at GencoPay.com.

But we're downtown credit card processing like we do, and I had a gourmet taco, like a $10, $12 lobster taco and an ice cream where I almost got fucking stabbed in 2005. And we were there a year ago. I'm eating with him, and I'm very open with him. He's a cool guy, the attorney I work with. And I go, dude, Theo, I fucking was right on this block 10, 15 years ago, almost got stabbed in my pajamas.

And I'm sitting there eating, dressed like this, in a collared shirt, eating a fucking lobster taco, and then we had gelato afterwards. It's just a mind fuck. It's a mind fuck. What do you mean almost stabbed in your pajamas what happened you rolled down there so fucked up you're in your pajamas dude okay so like your night pants and shit you're just well you just junkies just wear pajamas you wake up and you just that's it that's your clothes except for the fucking drug part it sounds awesome dude it really does you know what you know it, it's so funny because we come on podcasts and we tell the exciting stories.

You come out here and you tell the peaks and the craziness. And that's what we want to hear. You know? Yeah, the highlight reel. The highlight reel. The ESPN show. The majority of being a junkie is waiting in parking lots or watching Law & Order. Smoking cigarettes once you got your heroin.

What I did, I didn't go to fucking – When you're doing heroin, you're not like, now it's time. I would go to the Bukakis like I talked about on the other thing. Those were like weird weekend jaunts. But the majority of the time, I just watched The Aviator or Law & Order. I got obsessed with Law & Order SVU, so I would spend all day, get my shit, come home, shoot up, and then just watch Law & Order. I just want to say, there may be people

who, I didn't just gloss over him saying Bukkake. You can listen to him on The Crab Feast and Your Mom's House, and he gets into very detailed Bukkake stories. Someone found it on Reddit, because I read some of the YouTube comments, right? There's always got to be some fucking hater in there you know the overwhelming yeah and don't

if you don't know what that is do not google it at work all right don't google it don't google that at work but so everybody's like and i and i just didn't want to get involved but i but i i want i read a couple of youtube comments i think rule number one is don't read the comments but everybody was overwhelmingly like oh this is an awesome episode of your mom's house this is fucking funny and i got a couple guys and they're like this is fucking bullshit and then that might have been about my half of the show we were on that was so crazy that was we had a we you and i had a talk like a month before that yeah we shot that a month before and then i shot mine well after you shot yours yeah you and i had talked about it and then we end up the night before that episode comes up we're at

the ice house talking about therapy and weight loss and the connectivity of life yeah and and then we wake up in the morning and we're on that episode we're both sandwiched on the same episode and we call each other and we're like it makes perfect sense're both sandwiched on the same episode. And we call each other. And it makes perfect sense. It makes perfect sense. And it makes no sense at all. It makes no sense at all. We're talking about how crazy. That was a really special talk at the Ice House we had.

Yeah, I agree. Sitting at the table. It was almost like going to do the stand-up was anticlimactic. Yeah. Because, hey, hold on. I've got to go do stand-up now. But I had a beautiful talk with you. Beautiful talk with you.

Yeah, that was awesome. And this is, too, by the way. I know you feel uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable. No, this is. And this is too, by the way. I know you feel uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable. No, this is great. This is very helpful. All right. All right, so now we're downtown in our pajamas.

Yeah, just a couple of the wild... We're downtown in our pajamas. So you're going out to this corner, and then they see you in the car, and they wave you out, and you get out. You're a white boy down there. And you're also, I'm guessing, carrying cash. Cash, yeah.

You're a target. You know what's crazy? The cops won and they cleaned up that area that I'm talking about from the 70s to the mid-2000s. This block was allowed to do that. That long? Yeah.

I don't want to tell that. That long? Yeah. They let it now. I don't want to tell everybody where the dope spots are. I don't want to. But it's in another spot. They always let a certain element. Like in Canada, I think they have Junkie Parks. They have that over here. There's streets where it's on and cracking, and the cops are like.

There's a street downtown where they've let them claim it as their toilet. Well, so that's where you go get heroin. Piles of shit lying in the sidewalk. It's unbelievable. That's where you go. And everybody says, aren't you scared to go down there? It's not as scary as you think because it's almost like people on their last leg. It's scarier to go into gang territory wearing the opposite colors.

But, like, down there, everybody's just grabbing for one $5 bag. And it's not so much... These aren't people like healthy, like you and I working out fucking it's, it's, it's, uh, your biggest,

your biggest risk is overdosing or going to jail. It's not someone else getting you. And you're not scared of like, well, I know you're clean and sober now, but even back then of it being spiked or not, you're not even thinking that as you're putting a needle in your arm. Not a thought.

Not a fucking thought. It's scary to withdraw. That's scary. That's once it starts. I mean, how do you think about that now? You ever think about I took this package from some. I used a drug dealer downtown and then put it in my body. I'm very lucky.

And I'm very, very lucky. How often were you doing that? Daily? Yeah. Multiple times a day? Yeah. How many times a day? 15, 20 times a day.

Shooting up? As much as I could put it in. No. As much as I could put it in. You were shooting up 15 to 20 times a day? 100%. Same needles? Never.

Yeah, never enough. Never enough. Were you ever sharing needles? Yeah, I did it one time. I did it one time. Man. I did it one time i did it one time man i did it one time i had i had a sponsor in my 12-step program who's a junkie who got me sober and he were you know just telling interesting stories and he said that he had a god what what is it called um that junkies get

uh not aids but uh hepatitis hepatitis he had hepatitis c now there's a cure for it but this was 15, 10 years ago when I got sober, he had hepatitis and I think he was going through that process I don't know what happened with that but he said there was a guy with AIDS, they were all shooting up there was a guy with AIDS, he had hepatitis

and there was a guy with nothing and so they were all like, okay who has what and the guy was like, I don't have anything you use the needle first and my my sponsor was like i have hep and the other guy goes i have eight so the hep you use it second and the aids will finish it off that's just that i never forgot that yeah yeah yeah he told me that at a cafe while we were you know getting sober i was like damn what yeah you know so that's just to speak to that. I'm going to get another latte. Yeah. Nicest guy. Nicest guy.

Jesus. That's what I'm saying. The mindset that goes into that. Dude, you don't give a fuck. You don't give a fuck. I mean, you do because there's an order of how we're going to use this needle, but you don't give a fuck enough not to still put that in your body. If there was a guy with AIDS sitting at this table shooting up, I'd be very sober.

I'd be like, okay, all right, cool, no judgment, but like, whoa, what's going on? There's an active needle. You know, it'd be like an active gun thing. Yeah, it would definitely be weird because it's not the show. Yet. Yet.

Somebody out there is definitely going to do it. The shoot-up podcast, the fucking damn heroin addicts come on. That's a good idea. People would watch that. I'd watch it. Sleepy time. Yeah, three minutes in.

First time I did stand-up, I did heroin. What do you mean? You did stand-up on heroin? Yeah, that's an interesting. So I wanted to do stand-up more than anything else. And I Googled where people were doing stand-up. I told this. It was at like the Blue Moon Cafe

or this cafe in La Crescenta, California. And I went and I made this MySpace post. I'm like, I'm unveiling my work of art. And I actually ended up playing the Bukkake video. I rented a projector and played it on a bed sheet, the one that I played for Tom and Christina. And I was going to do that, and I was going to do stand-up, or I did stand-up. But it was a fucking mess.

And that was the first intervention that my family had for me because I was, as I was telling jokes, I was falling asleep. And they weren't jokes. Were they there for this? My brother was. And then 30 or 40 other people. I grew up here, so everybody came to see this fucking crazy guy. I just want to ask this question.

All the stories you're telling us that have continued, you still have breasts at this point. Still have tits, dude. Okay. Still have tits. So you're going to show a Bukkake video on a bed sheet. I almost shot out a glass window with a 12 gauge shotgun because i was really into gg and performance art but all that wasn't crazy yeah i was obsessed

and uh all that wasn't crazy to me because it was like anything that any you know any i was really i was terrified of having someone say you have tits on stage. So I was doing all this crazy, distracting stuff. But yeah, I was up there. The art of diversion. The art of diversion, dude. And I was up there falling asleep, hitting the mic, and then waking back up. And then the next morning,

everybody was over at my house with an intervention. You woke up to an intervention? Yeah, I spent the night at my girlfriend's house, came back, and everybody had an intervention. And I was like, dude, see? And it was the first time I did stand up and because i was nodding out hitting the microphone waking up but in my mind i was like dude you're just hating on me for following my dreams this is what happens i go and follow my dreams and now you guys want to hate and

so that you know i didn't end up getting sober i was like fuck you guys i i just from then on they try to drug test me but from then on i just had i had a fake pee like i had synthetic pee you just crack it and it would heat up and then like i just had that ready and so then they i knew they were drug testing me and i was like you guys are all going crazy and so they pinned me down and i was like fine i can't pee with people watching i cracked the fucking pee and i just sat back and i was like what does it say and they're like he's not on anything i'm like what do you guys want to want from me you know and that was just i probably owe an amends for that but um sad stuff so at what point now you told me during all this there's a you go to tijuana oh okay so so about the same age like yeah in 20s early 20s right right before the heroin so i'm still doing the oxy so right before the heroin. So I'm still doing the Oxy. So right before I go to downtown and make the switch to the needle.

I go downtown with my friend who I gave a shout out on last podcast, Adult Karate. He has a cool band, Adult Karate. He's sober now too, I think like eight or nine years. Eight or nine years. Ten, maybe ten. My best friend from growing up. We're in LA. We have these dealers and stuff around.

Just different ones. We're messing around with a guy that we go into the muscle place with. But you have a couple. Junkies stick with junkies because you have the same goal, right? You have the same. So it's like you team up.

Makes sense. Say, hey, this guy just wants to smoke weed and do shrooms. Like, bro, I'm not on that trip. I need to fucking get junk. So you have your friends. Like, hey, hey, are you well? weed and do shrooms. Like, bro, I'm not on that trip. You know, like I need to fucking get junk. So you have your friends like, hey, hey, are you well? It's called getting well. Are you well?

Getting well means what? You're holding? You have it? Getting well means that you're not sick anymore because you have drugs. You're just trying to get well. You're just trying to get well. That's the way you say it. Yeah, yeah.

You're not trying to get high. You're trying to get well. Gotcha. Just trying to get well. Just trying to get well. So. Man, you guys got a better fucking campaign going on for that shit than a lot of fucking It's getting well, dude.

Just trying to be a whole person. Just trying to be whole. And so this was a fucking wild story. So my dad warned me. He goes, Stephen, with your mouth and your craziness, you can never go to TJ. You're going to get in trouble. If you get in trouble down there, and for a lot of LA kids, TJ, Mexico's right there. So you get in trouble in Mexico,

there's nothing we could do. There's nothing we could do. And you get in trouble down there, and the rules are different. People want to say shit about the police here, treatment here. Dude, not great. I'm sure if you're a person of color, I have friends that are black and

Hispanic and stuff like that, and they tell me the stories and stuff. I probably said this before black and Hispanic and stuff like that and they tell me the stories and stuff. I probably said this before, but when I first moved here and worked at this hotel, I got to be good friends with a lot of the Bellman and stuff. They were all Mexican dudes and they, just because they had California plates on their car, if they rolled down into TJ, they would

come back and tell me. They'd be like, Ryan, those fucking cops are so crooked. They don't care who you are. It's not like if you're Mexicanican like you can get out of here they'll be like no no no give us 200 and they'll give 200 i guess my partner needs 200 too and they said you need to carry cash on you if you don't have that shit you could be fucked down there fuck around down there and so that's why i say now it's really dangerous down there now the gangs are really going at it i i there's stories i can't tell I got warned for telling a story before, so I won't tell it.

You got warned? There's certain stuff you don't talk about down there. Somebody warned you? It was just, you don't talk about it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. There's things going on down there that is none of my business. But this was because... Somebody reminded you of that. Yeah. Holy shit of that. Yeah. Holy shit.

Okay. Yeah, in a very nice way out of nowhere. We will not talk about that. Yeah, yeah. Woo! Message received. Message received. You don't hear me?

Message received. Message received. Got love for all y'all um but yeah so so the the but what we can't talk about is your story my story would be to you want to cops because that's just that is what it is you know so so um so i told my friend casey i'm like hey dude this girl's not calling us back this girl we used to cop from that look like lucy lube is lesbian chick they used to sell us oxys and stuff. I had a couple different, like, deals.

She was interesting, very interesting girl. She would FedEx it to you anywhere in the world. I was briefly a part of this pill ring. So I just had to go into doctors with her and complain to nine different symptoms, and they would write a thousand scripts under my name, and then I would get a discount on my pills for doing that in Hollywood. Really? Yeah, and I got a part of this whole thing and my mom found a bottle because she found all these bottles that i had my name on cops couldn't pull me over because i had everything in

my name and my mom was like grab the phone and she goes i'm calling the police and i'm ratting out this doctor and it was like this huge asian thing and i fucking slammed the phone on her and it was like this huge asian thing and i fucking slammed the phone on her and my dad was like my mom he was like you stop right now and i'm like mom you cannot rat you know it was just don't fuck around with these people my mom was gonna rat and my dad tore the fucking phone off the off the thing it was like i was like dad my dad's a smart i said dad she makes that call we're all in trouble and so that that call didn't get made but that girl uh wasn't calling back and we're like damn damn damn so i told her i told my friend uh are these interesting stories fuck yeah i'm over here terrified yeah i can't even tell like what i'm

saying about the bust up asian pill ring over here yeah i haven't thought about that in a long time i i haven't thought about that in a long time i haven't thought about that in a long time. I haven't thought about that in a long time. I haven't thought about that in a long time. I had problems because I grew up in San Gabriel Valley. Shout out to my Chinese, Vietnamese. You don't want problems with those guys. Big Asian community out in like Walnut and all that. Is there?

When we go on the way to Brea. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes, there is. Huge communities out that way. Brea, Huntington Beach, and San Gabriel Valley. Love the food. Valley Boulevard. But I grew up with all those crazy fucks. You know Feng Chao, the door Huge communities out that way. Brea, Huntington Beach, and San Gabriel Valley. Love the food, Valley Boulevard. But I grew up with all those crazy fucks.

You know Feng Chao, the door guy at the comedy store? He's like, oh. He found out I was from Pasadena, and he was like, we go to Chinese restaurants with him. But yeah, you know, as a kid, I had some problems with, like, some Chinese gangs. It's different. Dude, I've watched docs on them, and they don't fuck around. I piped off to this kid that was in a Vietnamese gang and he just calmly said, okay. They're polite.

No shit talking. Okay. Fast forward to my, you know, there was gunplay involved. That's a whole other story. What do you mean? They came at you like that? They came at me. My dad had a chute.

Nuh-uh. Yeah. What do you mean they came at you like that? They came at me and my dad had to shoot. Nuh-uh. Yeah, yeah. What? Yeah, and then the Vietnamese guy's grandmother or mother called my mother and made us apologize because my friends started tearing down this guy's house because he came after us. That's a whole, that's, I got to come back.

And I'm actually friends with those guys today. Like I'm friends with all those guys. Like they respected the fact that like we went so crazy, they respected the fact that, like, we went so crazy. But it was just like, yeah, that was the meth days. But so me and Casey from Adult Karate go down to Mexico. We just go, hey, let's go down to fucking Mexico. We don't know what the fuck we're doing. What's the goal, though, to get drugs?

Get Vicodin and Oxycontin. This is, you know, early 2000s. So we go down, park in the lot, walk across. You walk over that turnstile. Now, to someone who's a junkie, who's a kid, who's like, hey, I'm just in fucking San Diego. This crazy part of San Diego. You're not, dude. No, you're not.

See the hills of San Diego. There's a different president. There's a different. And it's just people. Tijuana, it's cool. It's cool as fuck. But it is. It's more dangerous than Iraq. It's more cool. It's cool as fuck. But it is, it's more dangerous than Iraq. It's more dangerous.

It's fucking Wild West. It's the fucking Wild West and you will get your fucking head cut off and it is no big deal. There's nobody stopping at stoplights or stop signs or anything. There's no big, there's a white boy down there. They want your money and they're cool, but they don't give a fuck. No. And if you're a Mexican American and you go down but um they don't give a fuck no and if you're and if you're mexican a mexican american and you go down there they hate you even more because like oh you're fucking american you know so they because i was bitching to them my friends that are hispanic

living in la and they're like bro they fucking give us more shit because we're fucking living in america so i go down there we start doctor shopping there's pharmacies that sell shit, right? If you're ever in a bind, they are a good place for like antibiotics. You don't have health insurance. You need some like, you got strep throat, always. I hear people go for dental work and stuff like that. All day. It's not bad. All day dental work, all kinds of shit. So you just go into these places

and you ask for it and they just will give it to you. So we did it wrong. You gotta know which places to go to so there's certain drugs that are okay and certain that are not. for it and they just will give it to you so we did it wrong you got to know which places to go to so there's there's certain drugs that that are okay and certain are not oxy i didn't know it at the time but our government it's not their government our the united states is like yo dude we're not going to give you support you know there's different like weird treaties that are constantly happening they just made cocaine legal down there i just legal i just read some article about mexico

making recreational i'm sure our government is and i don't know the ins and outs of that you can google it and see what end up happening but i'm sure our government's like all right you could do whatever you want however we're not going to help you know there's there's this weird there's this weird back and forth where they don't want to be too crazy down there because americans will just take the fuck advantage of that so they kind of like so i guess our government had been like, yo, dude, you can't be just selling Oxy. We're not allowing you guys to sell Oxy on the street like that. Cause who's coming down? It's not Mexicans who are doing, it's the white kids who were coming down and doing that shit. So I come,

we go down and we're just do it all wrong. We're fucking, I'm dressed like a fucking psychopath. My friend buys an oil painting of a Mack truck, right, about that size, and it just says superstar. So we're whacked. My friend Casey was like, I have to have this fucking painting. I'm like, bro, we'll get the painting later. Yeah, you don't want to carry that around. We're in Mexico, and he's half Japanese and 100% gay

and looks like a good-looking Bruce. Not Bruce Lee, but he has a vibe to him. Like, you know, so just let – we stick out. So he's that – I'm this fucking white boy with weird fucking hair in my pajamas wearing sandals. And now he's got a fucking – he's got an oil painting of a Mack truck that says Superstar. And we're just like going to fucking pharmacy after pharmacy after pharmacy. And what are they telling you? No?

Like this. Watch. You ask for Oxy. Can I get some Oxy? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Really? We're going, yes, yes, yes. Because I had heard, I didn't know, but I had heard, you go down there.

You go down to Mexico, you fucking ask. So like there must be some problem. Oxy, Oxycontin, you know. And they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no. And so everybody was hearing like five or six notes. Dude, you're already a fucking target. You're on Revolution Street. You're fucking big.

You got an oil painting. You got an oil painting of a Mack truck, and you're going knocking, knocking. So finally, this place called, I'll never forget the name, because what happened afterwards was just hell on earth. But it was called Best Buy Pharmacy. Same logo as Best Buy. it's a best buy best buy pharmacy and i'm like best buy pharmacy that's our place that's the american trap right yeah i'm like that's that feels safe so we go in and the guy goes like gives us the eyes we go hold on there's a guy in like a mexican like suavecito sleazeball car salesman in a suit just in the in the pharmacy watching us and he made

eyes with us it's like something i'm quentin tarantino movie you know he makes eyes with us kind of looks at him goes like hold on you know like and this guy was looking at us he goes okay okay okay the guy leaves he goes okay what do you want i'm like dude he's like i have everything so we're like fuck yeah spent all of our money we want some cocaine we want some oxy we want some fucking this we want some that how much money all in what'd you bring down thousand more 500 500 you know just every you know kids kids just scrounging up drug money. I'm guessing fucking $300 to $500. All right, now you got this stuff, at least in your hands.

It's in a fucking bag, in a lunch bag. And no thought about being scared to cross the border with this shit. I'm paranoid. Always have been. Casey, cool. He doesn't have that anxiety shit. He has other probably issues or whatever, but he's like, we we're cool like just he's like we're cool i'm like but we both have that the sun started going down we have this oil payment bag and we go for tacos all right

let's eat tacos and i said i said casey i have a feeling this sun goes down i was like i we got to get the fuck out of here we got to get get out of here. And he goes, all right, let's go. So we eat our tacos real fast and I have a bad feeling. We got to get the fuck out of here. So we were walking back over the river. And I had nightmares about this fucking years. You did? Years.

Years. You saw it vividly just like it happened? Years. I would not go back there. I later dated a girl that's parents were political. Big political people in Mexico. And she would invite me over. I said, I'm not going.

You don't mean Tijuana. You mean I'm not going back to Mexico. I would not go back to Mexico. I won't date a girl named TJ. I won't go to TJ Maxx. I'm a Ross man myself. I'm a Ross man, dude. That's where I get all my night pants. My heroin night pants.

It was pajamas, dude. It's all about pajamas and Tempur-Pedic slippers. That was my gear. So I go, we got to go back. And I had that feeling. You know, you get that feeling. I never got arrested in L.A., thank God, by a heroin because that feeling would be like, don't go down right now. Hold on.

Because they were trying to gentrify, and they eventually were successful. But downtown L.A. because I listened to that voice. I'm like, I would go down there as much as you need i'd be like just wait i remember my friend billy saved our fuck he he we're driving down there he pulls off the side of the freeway he goes the voice told me not to go down we needed it i go let's go let's go he goes nope you do not not listen to that voice and even on drugs dude because there's there's that you're gonna get you got that like you're you're going to go down. Every, I'm a 12 step, you know, and every guy that did serious prison time,

it's always, and I never talked about this or thought about this, but I'm just thinking about it right now. They always say, you know, in that movie Blow. Remember that movie Blow? And he went back for that one extra deal and he knew, he was like, something smelled off. And I was down there one time and this nerdy black dude, like Steve Urkel kind of black dude. He was like, hey, man, where do you get this stuff at?

I was waiting. And I was like, what stuff? And he's like, you know, nose candy or did some bullshit. And I'm like, just looked around. I'm like, mm-mm. And I needed it. I was in my pajamas. I needed it.

Dude, I was like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I went back to my car. There's a fucking ice cream truck, paddy wagon, just slamming motherfuckers down. Really? Yeah. That happened a couple times where you're just like, you just go in. You know, you go in. Like on the hunting channel, if you watch the deer when it gets baited, it'll always do that one blow.

Yeah. Where it's like, no, I still want pussy. Yeah. You know what I mean? So it's that one, whoa. I had that. So did my friend in Tijuana. And we're like, nah nah we're okay had it to

do over again we're throwing it in the fucking trash can and ran back but i didn't and so so we're eating at this taco place you start walking got the fucking superstar oil painting got a fucking i have the drug are you holding them in a bag are they in your shirt i have them in a hoodie with the with the ones with the pockets that go through. I just have them like I'm pregnant. And we're walking over the river, the Tijuana River. Dude, I don't want to go to jail in Tijuana. I'm scared of great whites.

There's a couple things I'm really terrified of. Great white sharks. Are they in the river? No. I mean, what are you worried about great whites? Just in general. Just in general. And Mexican cops. And it was AIDS aids i was terrified of aids growing up but um those are just because i you can't talk your way out of getting eaten by

a great white and you can't talk your way out of mexican they don't give a fuck dude i'm a talker they don't i i dude they don't give a fuck so so we're walking over the river the tijuana river like a little fucking walkway over there's san diego san diego is fucking two blocks away beautiful hills san diego america i hear a motorbike cuts in front of me and i was like oh shit and it's a tijuana cop on a bike his helmet has a nine inch nail sticker on it. What? Never forget that.

He's into cool shit. He's into dark American shit. The one thing I know is that he's a Mexican cop. He's into the nine inch nails. He's about to go do that shit Trent Reznor does in his videos. Trent Reznor. I'd be scared to death like this, but not this guy.

A hundred percent. He wasn't into Sublime. He wasn't into Pearl Jam. He was into Nine Inch Nails. He was like, that Mexican. Obviously, he was into the arts and into fucking violence and into fucking with people.

And he pulls over and he goes, what's in your pocket? And I go, nothing. He goes, go in your pocket. And I opened up the sandwich bag. And I remember saying, it's for mi madre. Because people go over there for medicine for their families. Mi madre. He goes, oh, OK, OK.

And then he starts going through this thing. And I look at my friend Casey. And my friend Casey uh he got out of handcuffs in jail one time he's very limber i think it's the you know the japanese but he i look over and he's he's fucking flipping things off the fucking you know he's going you know uh just flipping his pills off of the the side of the the river, right? Okay, yeah. Because he's focused on me. And then he realizes we're both together.

And he goes, oh, you have money? And we had spent all of our fucking money. And I go, no. He goes, oh, okay, okay. You're getting 10 years. 10 years. You see the judge tomorrow. Holy shit.

He's an oxy. 10 years. So I'm like, dude, I'm going to be like the dude who cuts hair in prison. I'm already thinking I'm just going to be changed, dude. You're already there. You're the prison barber already. Because I watched a documentary on a guy that was doing mission work and got in trouble. And he came back fluent Spanish and knew how to cut hair.

Because when he was cutting hair hair they weren't stabbing him So he was just like this old white dude that was I was like and you know He just gravitate to it like my my fear gravitates towards weird scenarios I'm like from cutting hair in a fucking TJJ all the rest of you know. Oh my god So some kid is spray-painting. I don't know why this fucking kid was doing it, but this Mexican kid You know from Mexico is he didn't want a kid, was spray painting on the bridge. He looks over, catches him spray painting. While the cop's right there, he's spray painting.

Fucking busting us. Dude, just, you know, some punk rock shit, you know? So he goes over to him. I go, Casey, let's go. So I walk. I start walking away. And I'm like, you know, I'm getting away. I'm getting away.

I'm walking, like, slow and steady. I'm getting away. I'm looking over. walking like slow and steady i'm getting away i'm looking over i'm like do i swear to god i would have thought the same thing do i jump over the bridge and kill myself oh was it that far down it was far down it was like you know yeah i forget you know my mind plays tricks on me so i i don't know and it was it was the the bridge you walk over the river so enough you know there's concrete i think but enough to like kill you like i was just like a rat that got trapped and i'm like fuck dude so i'm walking and i and i remember seeing this black couple walk over and i just go help me help me i was like looking at me like what the fuck you know help me and so it was like out of a movie and i was walking fast and i just hear that oh god in front of me and he goes get the fuck over there. He goes, you think you could run from me?

And I'm like, oh, my God. So as he's over with us, he had put the kid – while we were walking, we had put the kid in handcuffs, right? He put the kid in handcuffs that was spray-painting the wall, and he started renegotiating with us. Let me see your ID, blah, blah, blah, this and that. The kid said, fuck you, to him. So he goes over to the kid,

takes a mag light out without any expression, and caves the side of his fucking head in. Nuh-uh. Caves his fucking head in. What do you mean? A little kid? A kid that was tagging. 12-year-old, 13?

Yeah. He just beat him with a flashlight? Caved his fucking head in with a flashlight. And remember on Terminator when they would just, they wouldn't have facial, they would just. Yeah. Like that. He had latex gloves on, so you know he's getting into some bullshit. Decorated, military guy, Nine Inch Nails thing, and he just fucking caved this kid's head in.

Jesus Christ. Blood everywhere. He gets dragged off to the side by his friend, his other fucking... You're watching this. Well, I watched that. So when he was getting back to negotiating with us, the kid was like,

hey, blue dog, you know, said something, and he went over and caved the side of his fucking head in. Jesus Christ. Caved it in, killed. He caved... Wait. Dude, I don't... I can't see that kid.

You're telling me he killed that guy? Guy wasn't moving. He fucking hit him eight or nine times with a mag light. Holy shit. With a mag light. Yeah, they're heavy as fuck. Waka, waka, waka. Like, not over here when people are like, hey, police beatings.

Not to, like, down talk what happens out here, but it was a different. And nobody recording him back then? He wasn't hiding it. He just did that, fucking fucking cave the side of this guy's head in tourists were walking over and then comes back to me and goes okay so now holy shit tears well enough that's what he did to his own people right that's what he did to a mexican now i'm gonna oil you i'd have been sirring his ass up and down. Dude, I'm fucking so scared at this point.

So then he starts negotiating with us. We don't have money. He goes, off to see the judge. I remember saying, I don't want to see the judge. And he goes, you see the judge. Who the fuck is the judge? Who's the judge? You know what I mean?

That could just be a dude named the judge who the fuck is the you know who's the judge right you know i could just be a dude named the judge yeah when girls get arrested you know you you have like growing up here you have friends from san diego and one of my exes from san diego was like oh we got caught fucking taking a piss over there or something like that and so i had to show my tits and you know uh you know they go back and they'll like you know it's different for the girls too so they'll arrest you know fucking party girls in San Diego and do whatever the fuck they want down there. And then after a night or whatever, you're released.

You're cool. So, you know, they've told me some pretty sad stories. So I had a friend that got caught with blow down there, and he was able to pay the guy off. He found some money in his sock, and then one of the judges or whatever did blow with him in the police station and let him go. After that? Yeah. my friend used to smoke crack in jail down there might you know i don't want to say his name but he used to go to the bullfights and smoke crack that was his thing

he got caught and he was like did you flip him off money to let you smoke rock in the jail well i got some interesting friends for you that are non-comics that that would be probably good for this this podcast so then the guy comes back to renegotiate with me. And I see this kid getting carted off over to this side. Probably killed. In my mind, he's dead. He caved his head in with a maglite. Then came over.

It was like he was playing two hands of poker. Dealt with that. Then came back over without an emotional peak. Like, okay, so now with you. It was like another table at a restaurant. I'm like, I was like, so you don't have money. You spent all the money, but you can go see the judge. And I'm like, I don't want to see the judge. You go see the judge. You're getting 10 years, get the fuck in the car. So then he hooks me and Casey together on this fucking, on this, uh, uh, two handcuffs. And you know, there's like, uh, Broncos, they have Broncos, the federalities with a welded machine gun to the top. They're

like military videos or military vehicles. And inside there's a cab where they kind of hollow out. That's like their paddy wagon. It looks like a paddy wagon. So they're just rounding up motherfuckers. So I get thrown in there and we we're in there with a guy from a Los Angeles gang. A Mexican guy, but you can tell he's a Mexican-American. Face tattoos everywhere. And he's tweaking. And he's on meth. He's not in handcuffs.

There's six or seven of us in this paddy wagon. A cramp. Yeah, in a Bronco. That's cramped. In a Bronco, yeah. And he's like, I wish I could show you. It's just like I'll never forget this. Because he's like, he's like, oh, because we got thrown in there.

And he's like, it's about to go off right now. I would be fucking scared to death my dude and he goes he goes your homie over there and he goes he goes you and your homie you're gonna be fighting all night he goes you ever been to fucking mexican prison before we're going to prison and he's excited yeah and he's fucking he can't wait dude you can ask probably george perez you know like that whole like vibe just like oh like like he he's meth, and he was fucking doing it in there. He's like, you want some meth? I'm like, no.

He's like, dude, you don't want to sleep. He's like, you don't want to sleep. He's like, it's about to fuck. We're fighting tonight. And he's getting hyped up, sitting up on this little wheel well in there. And I'm like, oh, my god. So I'm sitting there. My friend Casey's sitting there.

And there's two Mexican grandpas. They friend Casey's sitting there. And there's two, like, Mexican, like, grandpas. They're just, like, you know, Mexican, like, worker guys. And the one guy's crying. And I go, why is he crying? And he goes, he goes, because he's been to Mexican prison before. And I, dude, so then I go, then I go, dude, dude, how more can you scare a person? Dude, there's no, it's like at that threshold. I start crying.

Dude, tears start welling up. He goes, oh. He was like, homie, because he later became my friend after stealing my cell phone, but he told me he was hiding from a murderer down in Tijuana, right? So he's like, oh, I killed someone. I'm down here. And he was like, oh, man. He's like, oh, I killed someone. I'm down here. And he was like, he was like, uh, he's like, oh man. He's like, he's like, dude, it's on. And then, then I started crying. He goes, he goes, oh, oh, tears off now. No tears. And I stopped. He goes,

dude, you don't. No, no, no. And I was like, okay. Then my phone goes, it's like a, like an old Nokia goes, he goes, what's that? It was my dad, but I couldn't hear him. And it's like a like an old nokia goes he goes what's that it was my dad but i couldn't hear him and it was like such a mind fuck because it's not like you're in iraq he's right there dude he's right there there's san diego so i'm in the back of this dark fucking thing and he goes hey i need that phone dude right away here you go bro i'm not bro my new buddy needs a phone people always wonder i can get you a landline, too, if you need it. People go like, what would I be like in prison? I now know, dude, a bitch, dude.

Here you go. Here's my phone. Just like, here you go, bro. So whatever I got to do to survive here, you know? So he takes my phone. He puts it in. And then he goes, the other Mexican guys are starting to speak in Spanish. And then he goes, goes oh they said something funny

and I go what do they say that's funny and he goes they said your friend looks like Bruce Lee and they want to fight him so my friends have Japanese fucking gay you know artist you know and so am I you know like just like two little artists down there and I'm like

Casey dude they think you look like Bruce Lee dude and he's just like frozen and i'm like casey dude they think you look like bruce lee dude and he's just like frozen i'm like oh my god dude like what the fuck you know and so then the one guy starts throwing up in the back of the car great all over all of us dude just no one the tweaker dude's just like oh shit like he's loving everything don't you wish you could be him in that situation? He's like, oh, wee. Like, we kept saying, we're fighting tonight, dude. We're fighting tonight, dude.

He's like, oh. And so he's just like, he's just perched ready. That's what he was built for. Yeah. It's like you and I doing a big stand-up show. Like, woo. We got 1,200 out there. Woo-wee.

He's like, yeah. Because he's probably walking around in fucking L.A. So we're trying to get a job, like, not fitting in. But, dude, he is at what God made him for, dude. He's a warrior. And we are, dude, he looked at me, I'll never forget, when he was like, oh, you never met him. He was like excited.

Like, oh, you've never done stand-up before. Oh, you got to have a good time. We are fighting tonight! He kept saying, dude. Like, oh, you've never done stand-up before. Oh, it's wild. Oh, you've got to have a good time tonight. We are fighting tonight. He kept saying, dude. We are fighting tonight. Just tweaking with all this. And also, are you scared that you're going to have to take your shirt off once you get in there?

Oh, bro. I'm going to be the chick getting ran. Oh, my gosh. That was one of a hundred thoughts. That was one of a hundred thoughts, bro. That was a floating thought. That's an yeah that of course of course they're gonna be coming on my tits like oh god i did think that but i kept thinking the most about the hair. I was going to be the barber. I was going to be the barber. I was going to be the fucking barber, dude, because of that documentary I watched. I love this guy in the Bronco, man.

He can't wait to get there. Oh, dude. We're about to fight. And so then, okay, so then we're talking, and they have, little holes in the back of that thing, so lights coming through, and everybody would take turns looking at them, and he, this guy was the alpha dog in the fucking thing, and he was looking, he was like, oh, we're on Revolution, and I was like, dude, I want to see, because I'm like, we're back in there, we've been in there for a half hour, 45 minutes, circling, looking for other people to bust I assume and you know there's that moment grew up

upper middle class white kid in LA knowing full well if I got in trouble like you know I would have some kind of like justice or like my mom and dad my uncle is a lawyer you know that's kind of the back where you see that Mexican flag on revolution it's about the size of a football field just going like this I i look out out of the thing i'm in shackles in a fucking thing and all i see is a big mexican flag and the guy said poppy you're not in your home anymore and i was like oh my i just got chills right now like like poppy you're not in your home anymore and i'm like oh my god dude this to be so bad. So then we're driving back and forth, back and forth. And so then they pull over and they grab my friend Casey.

They go, do any of you have credit cards? And he had a credit card on him, an ATM card. And they go, come out. And I love Casey. He's the best man at my wedding. And I said, I love you, dude. I love you too. And they pull over on some random street and TJ, it's now getting dark. And your best

friend from fucking childhood. And your only fucking company in this whole thing. He's now out of the thing. Oh God. And now the door's shut and we're just doing these zigzag patterns around the outskirts of TJ. And this guy's like, dude, this is good. This is good. That means they think you have money. So they're not going to take, he was, this guy's like, dude, this is good. This is good. That means they think you have money. So they're not going to take... This guy was just telling me the truth. He was like, they think you have money. Like your shaman in the back there.

Yeah, he's like, they think you have money. This guy is pissed though. He probably wants to be there already. I'll never forget that. He's just like... He was so excited. So excited to fight. And so Casey leaves.

He's gone for a half hour, and he's like, I'm like, where are we going? He's like, dude, they're zigzagging around because they're marching him. He knew exactly what was going on. He's like, they're going to ATM for him. So, dude, my friends, I'm like, I've never seen my fucking, they're going to blow his fucking brain. They just killed somebody in front of me. So all of a sudden, out of nowhere, Casey gets thrown back in the fucking in the car so he the car stops there's

my best friend again casey what happened they just marched me around with machine guns from atm to atm as much as they could some of the atms wouldn't work and he was like i was like in front of people he's like dude they're walking into restaurants with this guy just you know atm machine dude just fucking boom boom doing their thing that's their thing you know like i imagine like that's that's what federalities do you get down there and you live down there long enough and you know so how do you get out of this so he comes back in the car and so the guy's like what happened and casey was like i eventually was able to give him 200 he's like that's the golden number he's like to give him $200. He's like, that's the golden number. He's like, you gave him $200? And Casey's like, yeah.

And he's like, you guys are cool. But, I mean, we're still locked in a fucking cage. So now we're driving. I'm like, we're driving farther away. He's like, no, no, no. Dude, this is it right here. This is make or break, you know, kind of like thing. He's like, this is it.

Game show. He was like, $200? He's like, that's a good number, you know? And remember, you said $200, right? It's always $200 200 that's what they told me it's 200 dude it's 200 so 200 for me and 200 for my partner see this was just 200 that so i kept asking him if he had more in case he did it so they pull us out of the car i even said goodbye to this guy. Bye. I'll see you, man. They pull us both back. I said, so what now? The guy goes,

go up against that wall. Now we're on the outskirts of TJ, a quarter mile out. Jesus Christ. There's a dirt road, like a dirt yard, and a fucking wall. Once I got out of the car, I realized we're in a convoy of cars. There like three other Broncos there. They're all drinking beers, all military, fucking like federales.

They're all drinking beers in this yard. There's a wall. Captain comes over, and he goes, fucking cuts on his face. All of them had surgical gloves. That's just for some reason, surgical gloves. It's just like, ha, ha. You know, just like, take it. It was just like, they didn't want to mess up their hands with their wives.

You know, they don't take work home. Hug their kids and shit. Hug their kids. I never, ever, there's something so cold about that. They were pristine military, and they had surgical gloves. And that's just, nothing good happens when you're wearing a surgical. Their blood is going to go down their gore. And so they gave us our fucking drugs back. No way. And that's just nothing good happens when you're wearing a surgical. There's blood that is going to go down or gore.

And so they gave us our fucking drugs back. No way. He goes, take the drug. I go, I don't want to take the drug. And the captain guy goes, take the fucking drug. Pushed it back on me. He goes, go up against that wall. And so I looked at my friend Casey and this calm came over me.

Like, we're getting, dude, they all had machine guns. Executed. We're getting executed. And they wanted us to have this. There's even a guy with a camera. So they're going to go, two widows, drug runners. And I just, I just, I was thinking about that at my wedding when Casey was my best man. I was looking at him and I was up there at the altar, at the thing.

And I was flashing back to him, giving the speech. And I speech i'm like bro i've been through a lot with this guy like you know and they they put us up against the wall so we're walking up against the wall we're sitting there holding them i'm holding a fucking bag full of drugs and i go i love you casey you're my best friend he goes i love you too steven and we're just sitting there and it's like facing them or facing the wall facing them facing them they're all sitting there but they don't have guns drawn but they're all they all have guns and they're sitting there. Facing them or facing the wall? Facing them. Facing them. They're all sitting there. They don't have guns drawn, but they all have guns. And they're sitting there looking at us. And then they all fold over hysterically laughing. And I'm like, dude, when you're at a peak fear for that whole time,

when you're at a peak fear, it doesn't go, like, there's level 10. It just doesn't. It doesn't just. Yeah, you know, you march a dog around. Eventually, you just go somewhere else. You know those guys on the military? So I was just kind of like, they're laughing, sick bastards.

Goodbye. I said goodbye to my best friend. I'm in the hills of fucking off the thing in TJ. They all start laughing hysterically. The captain comes back over to me. He grabs the drugs. He goes, next time you come to tj hide it in your fucking ass and everybody starts laughing dude i'm like

you know like what does this mean you know like and he's like i'm like it's like peewee herman you know like and then he fucking pushes it back and he's like in your fucking ass and everybody starts laughing and I'm like, and then he goes, okay. And I go, what? He goes, oh, have fun in Mexico. And then they all get in their cars and fucking drive off. Get the fuck out of here. So I go, Casey, what do we do?

And he goes, he's in shock. We just thought we were going to get mowed down, bro. And so I'm now sitting there and I, and so we start, we go, I go, we got to get home, dude. Cause we could see the lights. We got to get mowed down, bro. And so I'm now sitting there. And so we start. I go, we've got to get home, dude, because we can see the lights. We've got to get home. So we start walking. He goes, what do you want to do? I go, bro, do you want these on you?

He goes, no. I go, I don't want these on me. I go, I don't want these. And I threw them in a fucking trash can. I go, let's get the fuck out of here. So they gave him back his. When they start laughing, they gave him back his. when they when they start laughing they gave him back his they go do they have anything and they go yeah this fucking painting so they bring him back this

superstar mexico painting the guy like looks at it he's like a superstar you know and like gives it back to him it was like they were like tripping on us bro they're like these fuck you know but they probably see this shit all it's not just goop down beavis and butthead white boys down there you know and so he has his superstar fucking oil painting i throw the drugs we start running so I just goofed out Beavis and Butthead, white boys down there, you know. And so he has this superstar fucking oil painting. I throw the drugs. We start running. So now there's a fucking line to get back into America, right?

Line. Dude, he and I fucking cut 158 whatever people. Cut. Jumped over to the turnstile. Fucking big black military. U.S. Never been so happy to see military. U.S.

Fucking. He was like, we cut everybody. We're like, we went, ran into customs. And he was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what the fuck? It looked like we were, and he goes, what the fuck are you guys doing? And I go, just happy to be back in the greatest country on Earth, sir. And he goes, just shook his head. And I fucking went home, went through to San Diego, broke down hysterically crying, hugged and kissed the trash can. I love you, America. I love you, America.

I love you, America. I love you, America. I swear to God, I got on my knees and was hugging a trash can at that $7 lot where you get your car. I love you, America. I love greatest country on earth. So I still, you you know there's problems with america but i still i don't forget that dude i don't forget that i wouldn't either i'm not gonna forget hearing about it i don't forget that i i just i love you america and we go back and you

know there there it's it goes from there you know it's fucking i get back and that so funny because that that fear to not do drugs i promised god i would never do drugs again i was praying to a friend who had recently committed suicide who i believe helped me get out of that dude a buddy rich uh was half nicaraguan half uh half white and he was really good in mexico and he i was like rich please get me out so i think my friend rich helped me but i would pray i i promised god i'll never do drugs again and that you know even that like didn't off the drug next day I was looking for him dude I know we got to get you out

here but I want to obviously you got the surgery so we come when you come back part two I want you to talk more about coming out of that and still how fucked up you were and it didn't stop you and into yeah finally cleaning up because it's fans I think this is fantastic.

I had fun. This is a great fucking episode. I can never tell. When I go off the cuff and just kind of I can't tell. Unfortunately, it's normal to you. You're used to the story and you lived it. For people to hear that,

they're like, what the fuck? I've heard it, but not all of it. Yeah, yeah. Thank you for opening up and sharing appreciate it i appreciate it uh do your promos again real quick yeah no if there's anybody out here who's been touched by anything that i said um please contact me especially if it's merchants that are playing in the high risk space like kratom guns and ammo. Guns and ammo. I don't judge. Tobacco. Firearms.

Gambling. Gambling. I'm talking to you, Kratom. I'm talking to you, Vape. They're cracking down on Vape now. They shouldn't. Go to GenCopay. That's G-E-N-C-O-P-A-Y.com.

I'm Steve Randolph. You reach out to me. It's partnered with an attorney, Theo Monroe. We'll take care of you. We don't judge. We believe in second chances at Genco Pay and we'll get you processing credit card processing that you deserve.

Everybody deserves the ability to take payments. Everybody. Also, please follow me on Instagram. Steven Randolph 2 on Instagram and Twitter. S-T-E-V-E-N R-A-N-D-U-L-P-H 2. And then I have a podcast called So Deep with Stephen Randolph.

You can go to StephenRandolph.com forward slash podcast, or you can find it on iTunes or anything like that. And my YouTube, YouTube.com forward slash Stephen Randolph put a bunch of crazy videos on there. And shout out to Casey at Adult Karate, who was a part of that story. And I love you, Mom and Dad. Scott. Scott, have fun opening up for Steve-O.

My brother never done stand-up. Yeah, good luck to that. Good luck. Good luck, Scott. You don't want in this life. This is where you could be the hype dude, like the guy in the van. Oh, we're about to go up! Dude.

Well, thank you. Yeah, please. Yeah, just over, but not. We're about to go up. Seriously, thank you for being, please. Yeah, just over, but not. You're about to go up. Seriously, thank you for being here. I had fun. This is such a great story. I am Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com.

We'll talk to you all next week. Oh, and can I say one more thing? You and Jay, he and Jay, and because Sam, who's coming in next, Sam introduced me to you guys. Yeah. And that was the first, Crab Feast was the first big podcast I ever did. I never had exposure like that before. And I just want to thank you.

Always, always put me on, man. Never forget that. You and Jay and Sam. You always put me on. You always give me love. And I just want to thank you for that. Thank you, bro. Talk to y' you next time.