The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Tom Arnold - Father Time

Episode Date: October 5, 2020

My HoneyDew this week is Tom Arnold! Tom drops by The Dew to discuss the trials and tribulations it took for him to become a father. After being unsuccessful for years, he shares what it means to him today. Check it out! SUBSCRIBE to my YouTube channel & watch full episodes of The HoneyDew every toozdee! https://www.youtube.com/rsickler SUBSCRIBE to my Patreon show, The HoneyDew with y’all, where I highlight the lowlights with y’all! What’s your story? https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew Sponsors: OMAX Go to omaxhealth.com and enter code HONEYDEW to get 20% off Cryofreeze and sitewide! UPSTART See why Upstart has a 4.9 out of 5 rating on Trustpilot and hurry to Upstart.com/honeydew to find out HOW LOW your Upstart rate can be. Checking your rate only takes a few minutes! That’s Upstart.com/honeydew!

This episode of The Honeydew is brought to you by Upstart, Omax, and Odd One Out Comics. More on that later. Let's get into the do. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We are over here doing it in the Night Pant Studios. I am Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com, Ryan Sickler on all social media. And as always, I want to sincerely say thank you to everyone out there.

Thank you for however you support the show, whether it's through sponsors, merch, comments, just nicely, whatever it is, thank you, for real. It makes a difference. Right now is a strange time, so I appreciate the positivity back. I really do. Make sure you subscribe to the YouTube channel. We've got time codes in there. If you want to jump to different stories, make sure if you have a story or someone you know has a story you think needs to be told and heard, sign up for the Patreon show

and submit your story. Honeydewpodcast at gmail.com. All the links are on the honeydew podcast.com. I can't thank you enough. Night pants nation. You guys. So I want you to know you sold out the manufacturers fucking night pants. Like those people are like, what's going on out there. And it's,

it's a revolution is what the fuck's going on. So thank you for your comfortable support. Facebook fan page, all that stuff. It's all there. As far as what we do here, if you're new, we highlight the lowlights. I always say these are the

stories behind the storytellers. Today, I'm very excited to have my guest first time here on the Honeydew. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the one and only Tom Arnold, y'all. Thank you, Ryan. Thank you, young man. What are night pants? Thank you.

Night pants are, you probably call them pajamas or loungewear. Oh, I like that. But I put them on at night. Yeah. I've called them my night pants. Put them on during the day if you're fat. If I wear them, that sounds like something that me and the kids would like. I haven't been in a pair of jeans since this shit hit.

Yeah. Well, you know, and also I thought you met night pass like that. You could see at night when you're out looting and a nice shirt, you know, uh, you know, I do. It's a good idea.

Night pass job. She's the least at night. And you get a good movie, you know, uh, uh, it's good to be here. Now I know you from comedy,

right? We do. Yeah. Factories where we first, there you go. When I did your show there, that's you from comedy, right? We do. Yeah. Laugh Factory is where we first met way back when. I did your show there. That's how I met Joel Mandelkorn. Oh, yes.

Joel Mandelkorn, my old assistant. What's that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My old assistant. Still working with Joel. He's a great dude. He is a great dude. Well, you know, Joel.

Joel and Mandy. Fantastic. Can I tell a Joel story? Do you mind if I tell Joel Mandelkorn? I don't. Can I say one thing real quick? Mandy Johnson, Joel's partner partner has a fantastic book out called super serious um go it's I've promoted it go find it on my IG wherever and get it it's a

great book about alternative comedy in Los Angeles she is so talented well they you know Joel started uh working for me Joel Bandacord and uh uh you know uh i was living over here there's you know i've been divorced uh uh only four times and there is a building called 1221 ocean boulevard it's on the ocean it's beautiful and it's where a lot of uh divorced people live or uh it's a great you know temporarily britney spears is my next door neighbor then. And she was actually married to Kevin Federline at the time. But you see a lot of people in and out. It would be a great building to do a TV show about.

Because you hear and see a lot of great things in there. It's sort of like that in between jobs. Yeah. That building. Yeah, but it's actually.-between jobs was an apartment complex. It's a beautiful building. I had a delightful time there. My friend, there's a guy named David Foster,

who is probably the best music composer of all time. The people he's worked with, Michael Jackson, Andrere but i don't bocelli you just he has the doc there's documentary about david foster he is the best of the best and he's been married more than once and i love all of his wives and uh he was uh but he's just he's an amazing human being who's uh he's worked with every big band. And he was in between marriages, too. And he came downstairs. He had a girlfriend.

And he may have married her, probably. Anyway, he came downstairs. And there's an office area, big, that people come in to do their work, to do whatever. And he kind of was like, hey, Tom, how you doing? And he's kind of like, shh. And he called another lady who was not his girlfriend. And he wasn't engaged to the woman. And he's like, he's talking to this other gal.

He was in between. And he's like, of course I'm going to not say anything. And then he went upstairs. And about 20 minutes later, his girlfriend came down. And she called a guy. And I just thought, that is the funniest thing in the world. And then I had the – Ryan Reynolds lived there too at the time. God damn.

He's a great – he worked out in the gym there, and I saw him one day. And then he went on – and I saw him, and I don't think he saw me because he went on Coden O'Brien. And he was on the cover of like Men's Health magazine looking super fit. And Coden pulled that out. And he's got such great self-deprecating humor, Ryan Reynolds. I love him. He's an amazing dude. And he said he wanted to make fun of himself because he like

he was uncomfortable that coden pulled that out because he looked so amazing and he said uh but when i let out my breath i look like tom arnold he just said that and uh and then i saw him in the gym and said yeah thanks a lot and and uh but i played it tough and so then he i'm in 4c motherfucker and then but then uh came to my door upstairs a note and a bottle of uh champagne of don pernil and said listen that was a classless thing for me to do uh i apologize ryan reynolds it was a classless thing for me to do. I apologize. Ryan Reynolds. It was a bottle of champagne. And then I took that note and sent it back to his room saying, I'm a recovering alcoholic.

Yeah, I just did. But I love him. I just love him. I genuinely do. That's really nice. I'm honored that someone would make a joke about me. I've always been like that. You have to be, since I started this business,

for someone to make a joke about you, for Johnny Carson or anyone, it's funny. That was so funny. And then to be able to keep it going. They got to know who the fuck you are. Yeah. So anyway. They're out there doing something. Yes, yes they do and when you're a name that people know so joel manacord became my assistant based on his credentials and mandy was his uh girlfriend and and you know and

she's very cute and very smart and so anyway joel starts working for me and he's sitting in front of me where that apartment working and i did have a wife at the time. I can't remember if it was Julie or Shelby. It was in between Roseanne and my last wife. And we're sitting there, and Joel has a, you know, and you want to address everything when you meet him. Like, hey, let's just get this out of the way. Not a big deal.

And I said, you know, I think that Joel hey, let's just get this out of the way. Not a big deal. And I said, you know, I think that Joel may have had, he might, I said to my wife, let's just say it's Shelby. Let's say, hey, I think, I think Joel might have a, what do you call a cleft palate? And she's like, oh, I go, I'm going to ask him. She says, what? Don't, don't, don't. I'm leaving. I go, no, no. I think he'd be cool. I think I just got to address it. She's like, do not say. I go, no. I think he's cool.

Like, I would want somebody to address if I was, you know, was missing an arm or something. I think, whatever he did. So he said he had it. So I go, I guess it's Joel. Hey, Joel. And she's still in the room. She's like, oh, I freaking hate you. Hey, Joel, listen. Hey.

And then I saw his email. Yeah. Joel's email address was cleft clips. And I was like, yeah, Joel. Hey, so. Well, this email address of yours. Wow. That's interesting.

Where did you come up with that? And he turned around and he goes, Tom, I have a hair lip. And I go, what? I had no, what are you talking about? And he just busted me, But he was so talented. I remember one time we were at the Burials Hotel, and Joaquin Phoenix came up to me. And Joaquin Phoenix is one of the – well, he's a brilliant actor,

but he's one of the best human beings you'll ever know and really is of service to a lot of people in our community. And he's a great human being. And you talk about a low. You know, I was filming True Lies back in, I think, 93. And, you know, I mean, if you just hear his voice on the 911 call when his brother died on Sunset Boulevard outside of the Viper Room. I mean, how do you ever recover from that? You do. We go on.

I don't know. But, you know, and so I know him as being a very honest, wonderful human being. Anyway, he comes over, and I'm sitting there with Joel at the pole lounge. He comes over, gives me a hug. We talk a little bit, and Joel's like, Joel, by and of course,

always acted too cool for school. Like, hey, no big deal. He's out of prison. Always. And then, but with Joaquin Phoenix, I introduced him to Joel, and Joel's like, there's hearts coming out of his eyes

in the cartoon. And Joel said he is Joaquin is the apparently his lip too he is the king of the I don't want you know them whatever that was the one time he was

impressed but you know I've had a lot of assistants that have moved on to do amazing things. Joel and one guy did Spongebob and several won Emmys and, you know, that means I'm old.

That means, you know... Well, I want to talk about that. But I'm here today to talk about, you know, you don't always realize how dark things are or that there's sort of a fog in your life. I mean, you get up and go. You go at it. And I also think it's important to not carry ghosts, to not fight ghosts in your adult life from your childhood a lot of people they're

still battling those ghosts and yeah you know i always said i wanted to be a father my father was 20 when he was 22 he was a single father and i was four my sister was three my brother was one and uh and and uh and you know he worked uh in a factory. He worked for a very blue-collar, small town. Where? In Ottumwa, Iowa, southeast Iowa. So can I ask you, he's a single dad. Do you see your mom at all as a split custody? No, no, no, no.

My parents, my mom was an alcoholic like me and married seven times, very chaotic life. And they went to court at first and my dad's parents who were paying for both. And it came time to put me on the stand to basically say, who do you love more, your mom or your dad? And then dad just couldn't do it. And so you remember that next next day i do remember that i bet that i remember very little but it's also documented and also um after my my last divorce i kind of went through all the stuff and and uh you know uh read everything which which makes it important to leave some some uh digital footprints for your kids too about your life. But the day after this, my dad gave up in court. He's like, I can't do that.

And then the day after that, my mother came to my dad's office and said, here's the keys to the house. The kids are there at the babysitter. They're yours. So that was a big moment. That's a big moment because looking back for me, I'm now the oldest of seven kids. And, you know, she passed away when she was probably 20, 30 years ago.

So, you know, as you know, if you continue to abuse your body with alcohol and just that hard life and smoking, there's a lot of smoking where I'm from. You know, it wears out on you. You know, that's what happened with her. And we had a very acrimonious relationship at the end of her life. I remember, you know, it was early on with Roseanne and I's marriage. And I was going to make, I was going to try to work, you know, I made overtures, we talked, this and that, because i'd gotten sober and i knew how to do that was she was she out of your life completely

or was it an in and out well i mean i was you grew i was to go say hi to her and you know i didn't uh you know stop by here and there yeah i stopped by to see her. And I did. But did she live close? Well, she lived in Iowa. But how far away? Roseanne and I had. We were split, I mean. We had a, Iowa's very, she lived very close. I remember as a kid. Everyone's parents did back then.

They stayed close. Well, our town was so small. I mean, but it was still a million miles away from my dad's house. Yeah. And I remember going to look for her and going house to house it's very small and uh and finding her was on the couch with a guy and but you go out and then i remember getting almost getting hit by a car and just being taken back to my dad's and you just you know uh you you're looking for something and you make these uh parents uh heroes you know because she

always say i'm coming back i'm coming to get you and you know i also have to be honest i had wonderful grandmothers me too you know i love hearing that who just love me unconditionally her mother and my dad's mother and they're different kinds of grandmothers. My dad's mother was on me. My dad's mother ironed his underwear until she got out of high school. Very nice people. They traveled. My dad's father was, you know, he ran social services for our part of Iowa. They got educations.

They had money. They traveled. They were part of the being of service to their community. And, you know, really wonderful people. My grandfather was, you know, in the war, he was one of the first people into Dachau. My mother's side is Jewish. My dad's side isn't. But he, you know, they had, and my dad's, my uncle wrote the book, The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler, made that documentary. But my mother's side, they were, they were working class. My grandfather on my mother's side worked at the meatpacking plant for 45 years. And the Jewish, there was four Jewish families where I'm from, and they were working class people.

The four Cohen sisters that moved to this part of Iowa many years ago, they assimilated into the working, you know, they were, and that's what we did. And so, you know, I worked at a pork processing plant to save money for college. That's what we did. But my grandmother, my mother's mother, who did not get her driver's license, my grandfather died and just didn't do, you know, it was different.

But she, and this is a key with kids, kids know if you don't want to be with them. Yes, they do. And she wanted to be with me i mean she didn't say much but she would sit on the couch with me and we would whether we watch tv together or whether she cut up beans or whether whatever we were doing because you know we're from farm country she want i knew she wanted to be with me that's really interesting you say that because there's so much put into verbal communication these days and everything but you're fucking right yeah maybe sometimes nothing said between two people who just want to be together and be present with each other

is more powerful than sitting there having fucking you know small talk yeah that's that's that i've never even thought of that before what how powerful it is that i want to be with maybe she doesn't know how to communicate so well or whatever but yeah you felt that that need to be present that's that's yeah wow that's awesome and she also uh and uh she also fed me whatever i wanted to eat just was was just impressed by my eating. And, you know, because my dad did not know how to cook. Both my grandmothers were great that way. And, you know, it's funny because my grandfather,

my mother's father, was a big, big guy. And he was big into sports and tough for the meatpacking plant and tough. And, you know, I saw him get into more than one fight, and he's tough, and, you know, you're a big, tough Jew, and a big, you know, plus he, you know, if you're from a small town, and you're different at all, like, I didn't have a mother, so people say stuff, so my grandpa, I'm sure, had to step up and get into, you know, but my grandmother, you know, he also got stern with me a few times, you know, and I do remember my grandmother, even if he got crabby with me, just looking at him and you, cause you think, well, this is a woman that didn't even get to drive. She doesn't get to have, I bet he keeps her in this,

but I saw her do things to him without saying anything where he'd be like, oh, you know, listen, you're her favorite. I don't, I mean, he just would be, she could crush him. He, and you know, he has a right to go,

you know, you know, there's some things. Sometimes I did stuff wrong. I got in some trouble. But if he got just crabby with me, as men tend to do, then he'd come back outside to whatever and say, listen, God damn it. into whatever and say, listen, God damn it. You know, I mean, he just, you know, you're her favorite. You just tell that she put it back out there. But I sure loved being with him. I just loved being around him.

I loved going to games with him. I loved it. So we all were, us kids, were looked after in different ways. And then when I was 10, my dad married the next-door neighbor. Nah, did he? Yeah. Now, hold on. Can we talk about this for a second?

Yeah. Our 20s were a while ago. 22 with three fucking kids? Yeah. All under what, five at the time? Yeah, all under five. Man. My brother wasn't even one and uh wow yeah and

dad sounds like a strong man well he is and uh i at the time i i do remember saying god you're boring you know you come we were you know you work at the factory and uh and then we want you to play with us for it he would get on the floor and play with us, you know, but he did work a lot. And, you know, you always want more. And I think about that now because, you know, I became a father at 54, and, you know, he did pretty well. You know, in our town, too, I have to say that it's a very union town.

And I remember my dad, he worked so hard. And he finally got, he was management, I have to say. He finally saved enough money. Because he had to drop out of college when my mom said she was pregnant. So when she was 16, my uncle went on very successful. My aunt went to New York, an actress on TV and Broadway. My dad dropped out of school to take care of us. So he earned his degree slowly, slowly.

But his plant went on strike, and he'd just gotten this Mercury Barkey convertible used, and he was so proud of it. And he parked it in the driveway, and our cousin was one of the men that blew it up there was a strike and then the police and it was like my dad was so because my dad was in a show off and he was the youngest of his family and they blew it up and it was the cops had to wait till they did it they were outside they knew it was going to happen and it incinerated it and my dad you know uh you know because my dad did time study he was an industrial engineer so he said well if you make this many pieces of this uh industrial knife

you'll make this amount of money and if you work this fast. Very specific. You know, it's numbers. It wasn't like he was, you know, and man, the union guys. It's just, you know, you know, it was my cousin, Tommy Richmond. Tommy Richmond. But you know, again, when I grew older

and Hormel, my meatpacking plant, when I was trying, I was, you know, you worked there at Hormel, my meatpacking plant, when I was trying, I was, you know. You worked there at Hormel? That was where you did the pork? Yeah, the most famous strike, meatpacking plant strike ever. You know, I was so excited. I was like, yeah, we're going to, I don't even know what the strike's about,

but I am all in because it's going to get crazy, you know. And then, of course, they fired everybody and just changed the name on the outside of the building to XL and hired people half the, but you know, it's a very intense, uh, you know, but my dad did, I mean, there's so many things I think about him. Uh, and I, and I'll tell you what, right. I always thought this too, because my mom, you know, she would sort of, she had this allure, and the next door neighbor that he married who had two kids who I'd known since they were born,

he asked us, he sat us down and said, do you mind if I marry Ruth? How old are you at that time? Nine, and she'd babysat us some, and she's from a different world, you know. She's more of a, you know, everybody's sort of a redneck, but she's more of uh uh you know uh airbase is sort of a redneck but she's more of a hillbilly you know she's smaller you know and she'd uh she she was big on the corporal punishment that we i don't think we'd ever had that and uh you know uh and i think she

was younger sort of what she's hit you oh yeah yeah yeah she'd grown up that way and she was not my dad she was younger than my dad so she was even closer to my age and i was the oldest and i think she uh and i i'm sure i was a handful but you know i was a kid i think she thought well i'm gonna break this one and uh you know very and uh but we did tell him yeah because we, because we felt bad for him because dating was hard, and he had the best of intentions. Like my sister did not have a female influence on a daily basis. She was so rough. I remember Lori tackling her once because my dad said,

you have to put on clean underwear every day. He told us all of us. And I tackled her from behind. I pulled down the back of her pants. And she had like five different, she was putting on clean underwear on top of her underwear. And my mom was not a feminine, you know, my mom said two things.

I'm not maternal. So, and I'm not going to tell you I love you, but I will tap you on the knee once in a while. That's the signal. But then she was rough. People are kind of rough. And I don't mean rough to insult. But the women, we compete.

There's a lot of barrel roping. Those are competitive sports. You grow up, the girls work on the farm with their dad. If their dad dies, the girl takes over. It's not like you go, oh, shoot, I've got to find a boy. No, no, they're doing it with you. Whatever you do, when you go out in the fields of work, your sister is doing it standing next to you.

When you go down to the church parking lot to get on the bus with the drifters, that's what you do every summer. You go, details, accord? Your sister's with you. When a bus, when you go down to the church parking lot to get on the bus with the drifters, that's what you do every summer. You go, details on court? Your sister's with you. There's no, they don't go, girl, it's going to be easier for you. No, she's with you. A girl's softball, basketball, when I was growing up in Iowa, are way more popular.

We're way, you know, state tournaments are way more popular than the boys were. Because they, you know state tournaments are way more popular than the boys were because they you know they were they're better uh they're better athletes they're a better team you know they people just cared more uh so you know it's hard to tell you know uh who they're just rough but my dad also wanted you know he felt bad that she doesn't have the, you know, you want to be around, you want to have a female in your life. And she was, so that's what I guess he thought of a lot of things. He thought, I'm going to do this.

It was rough for me. And I ended up moving out and moved in with my grandparents the next year. Wow. But I moved in with his parents who are are my grandma is super nice super nice and the first day i was in school and i came home with a black eye because that's what happens in school to boys they get in a fight and they have a black eye and i didn't think anything about it and i'm eating dinner with my grandpa and my grandma and all of a sudden she puts her head down and starts weeping and my grandma's like what what's going on it's because i had a black eye i didn't even know that

like i'd gotten to fight no big deal and then i remember thinking oh she's gonna be weeping all the time because you know it was a rough town and and uh And I'm not going to be able to live here because that's another side. You go from people that have animus towards you to people that care so much that, whoa, I'd rather be somewhere in the middle. And also at that time, I did, you know, you look at these people that are like these Eskimos, these angels. And I did get, I wasn't popular. Again, if you don't have a mother, if you're different, if you're, and there were the older kids. And I guarantee I brought, you know, because I brought it on myself.

And there's a lot of, growing up, a lot of fighting. A lot of boys, you don't have. Tons of fights. Tons. Yeah. a lot of growing up a lot of fighting a lot of boys you don't have fights tons yeah so you know i got chased out of that to school uh towards home and at the bottom of the hill for my grandmothers was uh saint mary's catholic church and uh you know i don't i didn't know obviously i didn't go there but they had a young priest who just got to town, and he'd see me fighting and getting chased up towards there. And he was outdoors.

Father Gary was his name, and he knows I'm not Catholic, obviously. And he was shooting baskets. I watched him a couple times as I ran up the side street to my grandma. He saw me one day. He said, hey, you want to shoot hoops and i did he didn't say anything to me and then i did it started doing it every day and he never said anything but it was just him and i and i'll tell you it changed my life it uh because he was cool this is a good looking dude cool and and also with those other guys who wanted to kill me saw him they stopped because he's also big

yeah and they're like what the hell's going on what's the deal with this guy you know this guy is a you know he's a preacher and he's big and he's like athletic and he's Arnold's friend

then they would start then they stopped like he's arnold's friend was not even then they would start it then he stopped like he's his buddy okay let's do we're not we're not gonna you know but he never said hey uh go away pretend he didn't know i was going i would have been embarrassed but he shot he shot a lot and then uh you know you know it was it was but it was a big deal to me to have somebody that just said, said, didn't go, hey, if you're getting beat up, I would have said, no, no, that's not happening. No, those guys, I'm not, no. You know, people, when I grew up, their parents would bring them down

to fight me. You better get out of this. No, they're crazy. They are crazy i'm like god dang it let me know how it goes no they're just vicious people that yeah but they're also you know our town was divided you know they're straight up the straight up racist our next door neighbor's dog was a big black pit bull and its name was the n-word that's not there's no irony that it got lost a lot there's those people and then there's people like us who just hated

because they're so embarrassed so there's the people like us there was four black families too four jewish so they were our friends and we just hated them because they're freaking embarrassing and that's how every in sports in dodgeball we're divided up you know the greaser and also did you smoke pot or did you drink because you couldn't do both but we just hated those people now until i got out of my town i didn't know there was any other kind of racism except straight up Edward racism. Black and white. Yeah, just saying those, just people that say that word because they're scumbags and they have no teeth and they're disgusting. But even being Jewish, you didn't experience it there?

They just, it's too small, not enough Jews to hate, you know. We had, that's true, we had, you know you hate you say things with my grandpa's generation they're sort of a secret uh you know uh you know thing and i knew enough about it from uh you know it's funny funny enough for my other grandpa from what he brought back from dachau and what he uh you know because that had changed his life and and you know know, but plus they didn't want to talk about it, you know. But it's really true. And then as you get out, you know, but those people that said the N-word,

I mean, they said a lot of kikes and a lot of stuff. And you just kind of went, well, those guys are the most ignorant fucks that we ever met in our life. They're so stupid, you know, that they're like, you know, they hate everything and everyone. We don't want anyone to ever see them and go off with them. Seriously, that's what it is. They are so embarrassing.

We don't want anybody to know they're white. Like, we need to put a cone over. They're embarrassing to humanity. I can't even explain how it is to be. But I saw some of their kids go on and come to school with us and want to do better and do better. And then so I had a lot of compassion, you know, for the kids because they were really struggling with their parents.

Jeez. And so I always felt like, well, you know, I had it. You know, things could have been a lot worse. You know, some kids want to get out of the alcoholism. Some want to get out of the freaking crazy racism which is a disease like it is you know and so you just want to go i'm going to do i'm going to try to pull away from this let's take a quick break and tell you about our first sponsor upstart now during these economically turbulent times everyone is looking for a way to feel more financially secure so if

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How does it affect you as a father today? See, when you started fatherhood at 54, you had your first child at 54 i did um you know it was a long journey because i've tried uh uh you know i found out in college that i could not be a father uh the the normal way how'd you find well i went to university i worked at the hospital school for a job. I donated blood and plasma a lot for beer money. You know, at both hospitals, Children's and the U of I. And any time you're on the board, they'd have different things for students for different jobs. You could donate.

You'd be part of an experiment. Like me and my buddies were up for whatever. could donate you'd be part of experiment like me my buddies were up for whatever and uh um uh one time that that i said donate bone marrow they need it for one of the kids they want to test and i i stopped there and uh uh it was 75 it was the most i'd ever seen for something and i was like yes nobody even signed up and i put my name first you get your name first on a these things it's like if you work at a meatpacking plant, there's a different union, if a job's available, you put your name on it, you can move up.

If you work at a meatpacking plant, you start in livestock where it's so bad because there's so much hog shit everywhere. You go inside to the kill floor where there's less hog shit, and then you hopefully get in somewhere where it's refrigerated, and then you go to the smoke shop where there's less hog shit. And then you hopefully get it somewhere where it's refrigerated. And then you go to the smoke shop where you can eat actual food that you're actually cutting. So it's always about moving up within the factory. So I see this $75 for bone marrow.

Yes, that will be. And so then I'm the only person signed up and the nurses that i work with at the hospital school were not super fans because i was so you know that they were like oh tom you you're doing that i go yeah well yeah i'm doing it uh of course you're our hero i go am i okay and so i was like well that feels good I've always liked to get blood and whatever else. And I did a sleep test for you guys, which was, you know, I'll do anything for these kids. And so I went to the, they took me into the room to give the blood sample, I thought, for the bone marrow. And the two nurses who I loved, but they always screwed with the, the, the doctor comes in. He goes,

Arnold's doing this. I go, yeah. And he turns, he goes, listen, I can give you a local, I can, uh, that area, but it's still going to hurt like a motherfucker. That's what that doctor actually said. And that nurse had pulled my, my, uh, uh, loosen up my belt and pulled it down to my hip and i was like what this something's something's up but he turns around you know and i should know this from being on a farm he had one of those corkscrew needles and i'm like you gotta be kidding me

and they he screwed it at the time this is the 1980s. I was like, now I could have, and this is people that work at the hospital still know this story. I could have run out. Like, I could have pussed out. I could have run out. This is for $75. Yeah, $75 in the 1980s. But the nurse there looking straight at me like, you?

And also, it was for potential incest. I guarantee it didn't. But it was to test. Although I am still a bone marrow donor. I'd say that if I go. But this is back in the day. They have a much easier way. If you want to be a bone marrow donor, they don't do this.

There's no way you have to do it this way to test you. I'm just going to tell you right now. To get do this there's no way you have to do it this way to test you i'm just gonna tell you right now to get it you know there's a and so everybody's looking at me like are you if i ran out there i'd have to never work in the hospital so i'd lose my job i'd have to probably quit school i mean you don't and so i just it was it was so painful oh like right in the bone yeah but but so then right after that, and then everybody's like, yeah, they just screw it right in the bone. I mean, it stops hurting at a certain point. But, you know, but right.

But soon after that, there was a site said $35 for sperm. And they started a new fertility clinic there. And I was like, well, that is. And so I called my five roommates and I was like well that is and so i called my five roommates and i was like i can't believe our luck i'm gonna do this three times a day we went running over there and they're like slow down we're gonna have to test your sperm that i so i was like that that has to be easier and uh you know and they the doctor came back and said listen uh i got some bad news we were never we you don't have you don't have enough you know sperm and i and uh you'll never get a woman pregnant the normal way basically break it down you have like four or three and i go

that seems like it'd be enough and he goes your roommate has two million i go that's fucking bullshit like they the my i'm still bunnies these guys i go he goes you'll never get a woman pregnant the the the normal way and and uh yeah i was i was down about the which is weird because now i'd be thinking what what happened to that sperm? But then I'm thinking, well, I just want to make a bunch of money. I'll do it all the time. But then I also thought, well, this is also good news because, and there was many times we'd be at the bar closing and I'd say to women, yeah, yeah, I can't, I don't know if you heard, but I can't get you pregnant. Maybe sweat on you and give you a staph infection, but that's about it.

That was a calling. In case you haven't heard, yeah, you don't have to worry about me. I went to do it one time also. I live with my grandmother, my father's mother, who was furious. A Catholic woman who was like, those are your children, those are your children. I thought the same thing. I'm doing this five times a fucking day. But what I didn't know that I found out when I started, I never ended up doing it.

But what I didn't know is that you're only allowed to donate a certain amount of times in a, in a certain mile radius, because mathematically it's possible that those two children do meet up and then they're incestual kids and everything else. So I was like, well, that just sucked all the thunder out of this. If I can only jerk off three times, that's $105, and it's a wrap on that. Well, that's probably Dow.

That's not in Iowa. No, this was back in the late 90s but I hadn't even done the math on something like that so when I got married to Roseanne I said I really want a family you talk about that before you get married

Roseanne had kids part of my attraction to her was she was a great mom we met in 1983 when I was 23. I don't think she was 30 then, back in the Midwest. She wasn't even famous. We just hit it off. We partied a lot.

I just moved from Iowa, and I think she liked me because I was a guy that was so different. I wasn't that far out of the meatpacking plant. And she was also so different. She was this mom and she was like a feminist. And she was, and I really respected her. And she was so funny. Her act was so funny.

And she did the thing that men love more than anything. We know we're good looking. But she thought I was funny. And she did the thing that, that men love more than anything. We know we're good looking, but she, she, she thought I was funny. And that's a, if you want a man to love you and follow you around forever, you tell him how funny he is because we're like, I know. And you know, and I also, uh, and I think you're like this too. I, you know, we, I stood up for her no matter what I mean that was just how I am and when I came out to write her show because it was her show and she was always right because it's her show it's a show about her life and the problems on the show were uh that there were guys there she never got created by credit on her show. And so at first, you know, and, you know,

I started off writing jokes for her back, you know, when I first met her and that to see her doing those jokes on Johnny Carson was like, wow, you know, my friend is killing it and doing jokes that I wrote. And then eventually I came out to write her TV show. And then anytime there was problems, I didn't understand exactly the finesse of how it works in Hollywood. And neither did she, obviously. But I knew that it was her show about her life. And, you know, obviously I put the Iowa stuff in, a lot of the Iowa stuff where I'm from.

And so she was right. And she was funnier than them and it's her life. So I'd say, listen, I'm going to, I'm going to tell you something. You're going to, you're going to do it her way or else. I don't know how else to say this, but I'm fucking, I'm going to, I'm going to throw somebody out the fucking window. I'll eventually, or you're fired or whatever, I'm going to kick somebody's ass. I don't know. Next year, maybe I'll learn some more finesse.

But what do you not understand about the show is called Roseanne, and you've got to quit fucking with her because you're fucking with me, and I just don't know i don't know how how much more clear i could make this if they were stunned because i think they'd used to but i was all in i was like because she was right there's no and then it was uh uh you know then i brought a bunch of my friends out for the Midwest to write the show, half. And then I found an executive producer with me that I trusted that brought half of old school guys from Hollywood. I said, well, I'm going to teach my friends to write the form

because I know how funny they are. They've each got unique, funny voices. And then to write the form of a sitcom script, script it's a form you learn to do that but you can't teach people to be funny and write in these different voices and then i also want people that respected her that respected her character right and uh but i also needed to i didn't want a shit show i didn't want to go well i'm gonna we're gonna recreate stand-up comedy or sitcoms we're gonna completely but we had to we had to produce a different a new show every week and there's no like well we're just gonna no every week it had to be turned in and i was aware of that too so you know i mean it was

you have you have to get out of here in a little bit. Yeah. So I want to get you to, I want to talk to you about being a dad. Yeah. Well, you know, anyway. I know. So when Roseanne. So you did try with Roseanne. Oh, yeah. You did.

And Roseanne, we did. I said, let's not do in vitro. I don't want you to put your body through that. It's my issue. We tried six times and failed. And the great thing about my first three wives, a total of 20 times failed. And the great thing about each one of them got remarried right away to another guy and had a baby with that guy the normal way. So I'm grateful that they did it. And I'll tell you something else that happened. We went to an adoption lawyer and this happened

each time. And Sharon Stone, another great friend of mine said, Hey, because adoption takes a while that Sharon Stone said, listen, I want you to go to my adoption attorney. He got my great boys. He will expedite the process. And, and, you know, adoption, you know, you can have a baby if your marriage isn't perfect, the regular way people do it all the time. And, and, and, uh in vitro is so stressful it's the hormones the couple is stressed out things might not be perfect when you have that baby you're it's a blessing but adoption here's the thing that baby has options so you the question is is your marriage are you good enough for that baby because people go i'm gonna get adopt a baby and then i'm

gonna make that's a great point your baby is your baby but someone else's has a lot of options your kids just got you yeah yeah so we so rosanna i went to this uh lawyer and i thought well maybe it'll take uh six months instead of two years whatever and we're like yeah we'd like to adopt it he's like when i said well you know as we'd like to adopt. And he's like, when? I said, well, you know, ASAP. And he went to his computer and he pulls his picture off. He goes, how about in 45 minutes? Come on. This baby is just born in Wisconsin to a 15-year-old girl.

And I tore the picture off the head. I was looking at the picture. It's a beautiful little red-haired little baby boy. And I said to Roseanne, do you, do you think we're good enough for that, for that baby? And, uh, and I, and she could tell I, and she's like, no, I go, I don't think so either. Then we got divorced. That's what we got divorced. Yeah. And that's basically what happened with my first three marriages. We were not good enough. Our marriage wasn't good enough to adopt a child. So that's what it was. Yeah. But

when I was 54, I didn't want to do, I want to do a sperm donor by the way, because Shaquille O'Deal was my next door neighbor for eight years. That's no joke. There's no joke. There's no joke. And you know, in Iowa, if you wanted to borrow a cup of sugar, this is a fact. You went to your neighbor's door and you said, Hey neighbor, can I borrow a cup of sugar, this is a fact. You went to your neighbor's door and you said, Hey, neighbor, can I borrow a cup of sugar? And you know those cups you get for the fertility clinic? I swear on my life, we live in a cul-de-sac. I thought, how hard would it be for me to go get a cup of shag?

And I swear, this is no joke. And here's what I think about God. I think our babies are up there. We're all up there. And my whole life I've been waiting for my kids and I've been, you know, and however my child, however I'm blessed, you know, it might be a seven foot tall black son. It might be a, whatever it might be through adoption, whatever that soul, whatever, if I, if it, if it comes, it may not be in this lifetime, it may be whatever. And how lucky, you know, I, I'm not go, Oh, well, wait a minute. Does it have my DNA? My DNA is fucked up. My DNA is alcoholism and crazy, whatever, you know, however the baby came, you know, however blessed if I get.

And if it doesn't work out, I'm so blessed anyway. And so when I met Ashley, the mother of my kids, you know, she said, I'm going to make sure you have a baby. But she's a whatever worked, whatever the relationship was like, you know, looking back, she said, we're you're, you're going to do this. And she made it happen. And what happened is we tried the in vitro three times. And then the doctor said, that is, there's nothing I can do. And I said, well, I, I just, I don't know. I never on a, well, I said, too bad there's not something you can do on a band. And he goes, well, I'd like to, this is. And he goes, well, I'd like to.

This is a brilliant doctor. He goes, well, there's something I'd like to experiment on a band. And I was like, and I saw her looking like, yeah, let's do that. I go, the doctor is a very good friend. He's worked on Rosanna and I, all these people. And he goes, I go, well, what do you want to do? people and he goes i go well what do you want to do and the way my son came into this world is i they cut my scrotum in half which i we should have just done this day one and took a big syringe which is much like the other story and stuck it into my testicle and pulled one sperm out come on and they happen to have one of her eggs.

And this is a miracle. And they put them together, and it started multiplying. And it's a miracle, miracle, and it kept multiplying. And then they took that, and they put it in per hoo-ha or whatever. And even without the sticky hormones, it just started. It stayed. One month, two months, and I got so nervous every month. Just, wow, what a gift.

And every month, just see more and more. Then a heartbeat. And then so nervous. And I remember it was time to go to the hospital and get there. The doctor's like, uh, uh, just, uh, everything's fine. He's fine. But, but, uh, I was like, Oh my God, but he's breech. So, uh, we're gonna, we're gonna do a C-section. So Tom, you're going to want to, you don't want to stay behind that curtain cause you don't want to see this. And I was like, buddy at a meat packet i am not going anywhere i gotta see this because i just don't

believe it's happening and it was so amazing and and the second you know uh the second i see you know because i'm also on point like what if something goes sideways i've this is something you don't want to tell your wife or tell me, I've delivered a lot of animals. Have you? A lot of calves. Oh, yeah, a lot of horses. A lot. And it's wonderful.

I've seen this, man. And sometimes things go sideways. And it does. You've got to be in there. You know, the vets there, whatever people you've got there. But sometimes you've got to put a knee under. You've got to bear down and sometimes you can see you know it's always wonderful you know we raise cattle we raise

horses we raise and uh i know it sounds don't but i'm always also on alert because that's your wife that's your baby right there you don't just assume that everybody here knows what they're doing right i mean you're on point. So, uh, and the way to do a C-section by, cause it, cause you know,

here's what you do. If you think, Oh my God, I can't take it. Cause it is hard. It is hard to see a doctor. Just let me matter of fact, cutting your wife.

So what you do is you, they put a circle around it and you go, that's not her belly. They're not cutting. That's where the baby, they put a circle around it, and you go, that's not her belly. They're not cutting. That's where the baby comes. They put a circle around it and go, that circle is a whole separate thing. That's where the baby comes from, that circle. You don't identify it with the person.

You take it out, and you compartmentalize it. And so that's what you do. But anyway, he comes out, and I help get him out of there. What does that feel like? Well, it changed everything. First of all, I, you know, you go back to your childhood

and there's, it just, I mean, it's, first of all, you go, I was that perfect at one time and that small. And, and you really are shocked that, that, you know,

you look back on your, you think, wow, you know, cause there's things that happened to you in your childhood. You, you, you kind of go, well, you know, I was this kind of kid or that kind of kid. And, and it's, it's, it's hard to believe that you were also perfect like that. That's how you were. And it's also, you realize, oh, my God, I care about everything about this kid. And the way you had it, I mean, that's a lotto ticket. It's a miracle.

And, you know know a little thought later was my dad also cared about everything oh i used to say well uh you know i got in so much trouble i got arrested seven times and once i'm a teenager fighting the cops fighting drinking fighting and then he had to bail me out of jail he had to bail me out of jail and i'd be like well he doesn't he doesn't care he doesn't he does he just he cares he had to get up he had to bail me out of jail. He had to bail me out of jail. And I'd be like, well, he doesn't care. He cares he had to get up. He had to get up. My other cousin was a cop.

And he'd be like, he cares. I'd go, yeah, he cares because he couldn't sleep. And I realized you just, he cared. Because you care about everything. And I, you know, every moment. And it was funny because I was cutting the cord. And my son wrapped his fingers around the scissors. And I almost, like, cut his fingers off right there.

I was like, oh, geez. And so every, but every second. And, you know, my friend said, listen, you know, let your wife at the time do everything. But when he's seven, they'd come back. He'll be 57. And I said, well, yeah, I'm 54. I don't know where I'll be when he's seven. So I've changed every diaper and stayed with my daughter, who is a miracle.

There's a frozen embryo. This is after the relationship ended. Tell me how you had her. This guy, Tyler Henry, i think hollywood medium i didn't show my my ex asked me to do a favor she wanted to get a reading from him and he came over and i did not believe i don't believe in that he's also a uh one of the people that's talked to dead people he's uh uh whatever they're called eddie and she liked his show. A medium? Yeah. He walks into my house and he goes like this,

your mother is here and she is sorry, which is like an evergreen. Yeah, sure. But anyway, at the end, he does this reading

and I wanted to bust him, but she's like big into this, so I thought I'd, you know, for her or whatever. And I go, hey Tyler, you got any questions?

Yeah. Am I going to have another child? Are we? Which we weren't having sex, we weren't together, we weren't, and I do that. My idea. He's like this. Yes, you are. This is on the TV show. So you see, I go, really? Ah, boy or girl? He goes, a girl. And I was like, Oh my God, this is the best thing I've ever.

Cause it's impossible. Physiologically. I walk up to the door and then because she's never said i was right about anything she goes i guess you're right he's full of shit like he's he's her idol he's her idol and then and then this is no shit uh 48 hours later i get a call from a cryo bank in long beach and we use this other doctor in between Dr. Mars. That's our main guy. Just because I don't know if he was out of town and they had a frozen embryo stored down there. They were looking for me to pay 700 bucks.

I'd owe them and I changed business managers. They had it. And so she heard about it, drives down there a hundred miles an hour, gets that shot up into her hoo-ha. And nine months later to the day, my daughter was born. Holy shit. And I'll tell you, man. Two 48 hours later.

I know. It is crazy because I thought, you've got to survive no matter what. No kids. I thought, man, I've been so blessed. And then my son, I was like, okay, that is everything. And I did have a couple people say, well, you know, daughters. I go, no, no. I had to have, and I'll tell you what, I'm glad I have a daughter.

I love it. I love it. And, you know. It's calming. Has it calmed you down? Yeah. Well, geez. The girls calm me down.

I mean, she just has a way. She's also a great son. I have to tell you, like, my son, she's also by far the funniest. But it's also how close they are. You know, I designed, decorated the rooms that they wanted, and we both signed for still the same bed. But the way they – I just see them together. You know, when I get out of bed to pee,

which is more than – they just move together i she she is his biggest fan you know he's a big he's 115 pounds he just got out of kindergarten he's a head taller she's small she doesn't take any shit and but you i watch out for that but she is uh you know i make sure she gets her he sucks up a of air. And I've always made sure one day a week is just me and her. But they love each other so much because I feel like this is an incubator for every relationship they'll ever have. She never saw her mom and I hug. Or she doesn't know how that works.

After her mom officially moved out after, you know, I showed the videos of her birth, I went through and she's like, how did I get here? And I said, love, you know, we loved you so much. And we wanted, you know, and I made a little cartoon of your mom. I was born over here. You're in heaven, you guys. And I wanted to, and then your mom was born much later, much younger. But we wanted you to be here. And then here you are. And that's how you came from love. And we both dreamed about

you guys. And then we came together and she goes, and then I was in mommy's belly. I go, well, you started, you know, here. I made it very clear. You got it. I didn't say that. Yeah. Oh, no, I know go you started yeah but i i want you to know that that you absolutely came from love because that's really important yeah and that's where you know and then your brother came first and then we that we all were waiting for you and

i literally have a i went down and because her mom had a tough delivery with her. The first four hours is Dan. I had to take off my shirt, like in front of, I didn't know I was going to do that kind of an emergency and, hold her for a few hours, put her on me for, then I went home,

got a little brother and brought him down for the first time. And I have it all on video. And, uh, it is so, I'm so glad I have that because i'd be splating uh you know and then we came down and got you and uh and and to see you and it's uh and uh she's like i go do you remember that she goes kind of and uh you know but she does remember me making her bottles at night because of i bring

her back downstairs and she remembers once a while she'll say can i have a bottle tonight just once it i don't know if it kids once in a while they want to be baby and i'm always like yeah yeah i love it i can tell you love it i do i can tell you appreciate it i appreciate it yeah i wish my i'm i'm have a similar upbringing in the sense that my mother split early my dad was a single dad but he died when we were 16 so then we we've got nobody we live with his mom that sort of thing but you know i'm a twin i'm a fraternal twin but i wish when my daughter was born i was just like i wish he was here how the fuck did you do it? Twins. Then another kid like, you know, and I wish I had some him,

not someone fucking him to bounce questions off of ideas off of like, Hey, when I fucked up and did this, what would you, what would you have liked to have done differently? You know, how can I better parent, better teach? Well, look, we've got to get you out of here in a few minutes, but I have a question for you. I ask all my first-time guests this. After everything you've said, after everything you've been through,

what advice would you give to your 16-year-old self with the benefit of hindsight? to your 16 year old self with the, with the benefit of hindsight? Well, easy does it, uh, you know, I mean, every, uh, dream I've ever had has come true. I, I think you know I've gotten very lucky about surviving you know I think I identified a dream and then I whether it be watching my dad watch Bob Hope on TV and laugh and go, I'm going to do that.

I'm going to make my dad laugh on TV with Bob Hope beside me. Or whatever it was. Just easy. Easy does it. Beware of, you got very lucky. You know, barely, you know, God was very, very lucky. I got to, I wouldn't have gotten married so much, save some money. But I hate to change that sequence of things, uh, you know,

I like the easy does it. I mean, it changes nothing about your life and the course of it. Just try to relax a little. I wish I'm still, I don't remember. I don't mean surrender, you know?

Yeah. But, uh, because I do think that when you're a parent, you gotta be ready. You gotta be, because, uh, sometimes you have to stand up. We live in a world where, you know, you've got to be,

it's like what I said about Roseanne in the show. I've got to, hey, listen, man, you've got to have people's backs. You're with people, you've got to have their backs. I've got these kids' backs, you know. I'd like to just, you got to have their backs I got these kids backs you know I'd like to just you said about have the energy well I have to have the energy there's no excuse I've got to do it

and I can sit around and say well I'm 61 they don't care they look at you like how do they what would they know about that nothing I got to do it all I got to do it all i gotta do it all i gotta get on the ground and play with them like my dad did i gotta go outside and play with them we gotta play ball we gotta kick the ball you gotta box we gotta you know carry them up i still

son makes him carry me carry about the stairs he 115 that kind of weight like you know that is with both of them yeah you know it's like i can't tell you my shoulders always hurt i gotta switch sides and yeah i'm like oh yeah man well good for you congratulations too but hold on please plug everything you want to plug everything well you know uh sasha boggs is great comedian and great she's great with the kids. She lives with us. We have a great podcast called Tom Arnold, Two of the Bush. She's a delight. We love her so much. She's 30.

She's adorable. My friends all call. Hey, are you guys having sex? I go, no. And I didn't think so. She's really cute and young. I go, wait a minute. We could.

Seriously. So we did that. We could. Seriously. So we did that. We do this podcast. And you can see it on YouTube, I think, or Spotify or whatever. And it's going very well. She's so funny. We're working there. And I was like, hey, you did a podcast, right?

I saw your thing. And it's so funny. Let's do one here. Because we're quarantined with these kids. Let's do a podcast and talk about everything. She's so much younger. She knows nothing. You understand, right?

And she's so funny. But she's so good with the kids. And so we do that. And then we made a music video. You've got to see the music video. Because kids' mom's like, you should send him to school rock camp this summer. I said, I am the school rock camp. That's why you're talking to your neighbor, who I like, has a music store.

Yes. I go, we do it all. I have rappers. I have great filmmakers that come in and out of my place teaching the kids stuff. So we made a rap video. The kids like rap music. I don't know what kind of music. They do the TikTok.

Yeah. And so it's a little filthy. But I believe some of the words that the kids sing. But it's about our life being quarantined this summer. People asking me if Sasha and I are boating. And the kids, we used everything about the house, and we had so much fun. But that's the life.

And, you know, I have a movie called High Holidays coming out in a month or so with Jennifer Tilly, who's my wife, and the great Cloris Leachman is my mother-in-law, a bunch of really good actors, and then a lot of things, whatever. I need to work, Ryan. I need to pay some bills. I'd like to go back and do some road shows and comedy. I know.

It'll be here. Okay, man. Okay, let's do it. Thank you, brother. Thank you for coming on. Congratulations on the podcast and fatherhood. RyanSickler.com on all social media. Ryan Sickler, whatever it is.

RyanSickler.com. We'll talk to you all. I'm on Twitter, too. Yeah, yeah. Twitter. Instagram. Instagram, man. I go hard on Twitter.

Beware. We'll talk to y'all next week. ... ... ... ... ...