The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Tom Segura -- #67

Episode Date: April 6, 2020

My HoneyDew this week is the Ball Hog himself, Tom Segura! There’s important information in this episode about The Dew! Beginning June 1, you can watch full episodes of The HoneyDew on my YouTube channel. A link to my Youtube will remain on the YMH channel but the full episodes will be available on my YouTube . I also talk about my new Patreon show, “The HoneyDew with Y’all” & my upcoming web series with my stepson called “Learner’s Permit." Now back to TNutz - we share some embarrassing stories about our dads & Tom tells a story about the car accident he had one day after he got his license. Please make sure you’re subscribed to my YouTube channel! I’ll be adding HoneyDew episodes, standup and more! Stay healthy y’all!

You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here at Studio Jeans doing it at your mom's house. I'm Ryan Sickler, ryansickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all social media. Uh, look, I just want to say, first of all,

I hope you're all, uh, healthy and staying safe out there, practicing your social distancing, listening to, uh, expert advice and really taking care of yourselves. Uh,

scary times right now. I don't know what the, the cure is, but like I've said on my Instagram, if you follow me at Ryan Sickler, I know what the cure for comfort is. And that's honeydew night pants. Y'all honeydew night pants are available. They're out there now at Ryan Sickler.com. Go to my merch store. Got some great honeydew night pants there. You can 24 seven. You can use them as day pants. I've been

seeing a lot of night pants as day pants. And we got some new retro tees, some nice hoodies up there, some t-shirts as well. The website for the Honeydew is thehoneydewpodcast.com, but everything's at ryancyckler.com. Nice night pants. You appreciate it. Oh, a little bleed in right there. You'll know who that is in a second. Also, I want to say this real quick because a lot of you are having trouble with the Apple podcast app. I did too. As soon as I upgraded my phone, I had the same problem.

Here's the deal. It's a known Apple issue. This podcast, YMH is professional. It is available everywhere else. Stitcher, Spotify, you name it. On the damn website, it's there but the solution is to unsubscribe from the podcast and then try to resubscribe that has not worked for some people myself included so the full solution for me was to unsubscribe delete the podcast from my library and then add it back and resubscribe and i've gotten every episode since. So that's the problem with Apple. And I do want to give a special shout out to Sweet Flower. They're a cannabis dispensary in Studio City, Melrose and the Arts District with a modern approach to cannabis with a highly curated selection of top shelf flower. They've been hooking me up during this time. They've been

deemed essential because all the health benefits of the plant, and they are, thank God. And they deliver all over LA from Woodland Hills to Pasadena, from the Palisades to LAX. If you use code POD, P-O-D, and you're here in LA, you'll get 20% off. All right. Now, you know what we do here. And if you don't, we highlight the low lights. These are the stories behind the storytellers. And you're going to know who this guy is here today, obviously. The president and CEO and the main mommy. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back Tom Segura. Hey, now.

Good to be here, man. It's good to have you back. Thanks for having me, man. I'm going to set you up with some night pants real soon. I would love some night pants. Everybody's getting night pants, bro. Are these a factor five related? These are factor five? No, those would be some night pants. Everybody's getting night pants, bro. Are these a factor five related? These are factor five.

No, those would be my compression pants. Those are honeydew compression pants. Are those in the store? They're next. I'm trying to be creative. The first time was actually like a few years back when you showed up for some flight we were on. I was like, what the fuck are you wearing? And you're like, my track pants.

The track pants acting up. I got to wear my compression pants, my compression socks. You had special dad shoes, everything for comfort. Oh, dude, let me tell you something. That's right. The New Balance where you shamed me and gave me a, and I got pedophile and everything. I don't know why again.

I don't know why the pedos go for those. I think we said they were the single dad 11s or something. And then I started experimenting from there. Like I had to shift out of my damn shell toes and my pumas and shit every day where. Yeah. Into something like a everyday wear. And man, it took me a while, but I got there. Yeah. What's your go-to now? my damn shell toes and my pumas and shit every day wear into something I could every day wear.

And, man, it took me a while, but I got there. Yeah. What's your go-to now? Now it's the Adidas Bounce. Alpha Bounce. Alpha Bounce. Alpha Bounce. I tried to boost.

The boost is weird. I just have a shitty foot. I have a really high arch. I've got Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease. I got that disease. I got two diseases, bro. Wait, what's that one? That's a disease. A lot of people have disease. I got two diseases, bro. Wait, what's that one? That's a disease.

A lot of people have it. I've talked about it before, but you're missing a layer. And I always get it wrong. So it's like the protective layer around your nerves and things like that in your legs. So from the knees down, the people's legs look like inverted champagne bottles. And for all the soccer I've played over the years, my calves should be tree trunks. But my brothers, we all. So we went to Hopkins, and we had to get tested.

My dad took us to get tested. Oh, so this is like when you were a kid you got tested. Yeah, well, he had them. So he had them. His brother had them. My grandfather had them. And it was like, what is this shit? We always were getting sprained ankles a lot.

Yeah. I have a sprained ankle. So he took us to Hopkins, and they did these tests. And, I mean, dude, they take needles and put them in between the webs of your toes and wiggle them. They're like, tell me when you can feel it. I'm like, I can feel that. I can feel it.

I felt it. I know what it's going to feel like when you put it in. I know that's going to hurt. And then the one that's the worst, though, is they take this, like, it's like a little horseshoe magnet almost, And then the one that's the worst, though, is they take this like it's like a little horseshoe magnet almost. And it's an electric vibrating thing, like electric impulses. And they put it up next to that bone on your ankle, the outside.

Oh, and they put it under there and then they fire that thing up and they say. This is how they test. Hell yeah, because your nerves don't work properly. They're trying to be like, when do you feel this shit? I'm like, I fucking feel that right now. What's it called disease is called charcot marie tooth disease it's named after like the three scientists i think that that discovered the whole fam's got it i mean the brother your brothers and both both so all yes yes everybody yeah all three brothers my dad i don't know about his dad and their side aren't genetics a blast blast? It's terrible. I wish I could have gotten a cool genetic gift. You know what I mean?

I've met a fucking 15-year-old kid with a 43-inch vertical. I'm like, God damn it. I got no fast twitch muscle fibers. I've got no speed, no vertical. Yeah, I don't. No, I have extra earwax yeah yeah i got my hypertension high cholesterol bro that's what i got really cool trait to pass down that's yeah factor five so i had to get do your brothers have that

too no so this is the crazy thing it either comes from one parent or two, and two is much worse. Fortunately for me, my mother went and got tested. She doesn't have it. Both my brothers get tested. They don't fucking have it. Did your dad have it? He had to have it. It had to be him, and I'm the only asshole out of the crew that fucking got it.

Yeah. All right. Shit. But that's also- So that means that Stella might get it? Yes. She's got to be tested later. But also, this is a thing that no one knows they have until they know they have it.

Like, obviously, I've had it since birth. What was the indicator for you on that one? So I got kidney stones, and I was stuck in bed for months. I think I remember that. A month. And my legs started clotting. And I was like, why the fuck are my legs clotting? How do you know they were clotting, though?

Because I was in the movie theater, and I was watching the first Star Wars where they killed Han Solo. Sorry about that spoiler. Wait, what? I'm rubbing my legs through my jeans. It just felt weird. And I could feel the veins through my jeans, like a topographical map. What? And I called the hospital

because I'd been in there for the kidney stones and they go, look, that's a sign of clotting. You need to come here right now. So I drove from the movie theater right to the hospital. Did you finish the movie? I did, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, come on, buddy. It's a $15 ticket, man.

I'm not going to fucking. They didn't sound like it. And here's what's crazy, too, and I'll never forget this. I'm driving home. I'm on the 405 north from the 101 up the hill. It's like 9 o'clock at night. And this car in the left i'm in the right far lane on the 405 the only thing next to me is the right hand shoulder and there's a car in the

far left lane a little bit up the the hov lane yeah and i don't know what the guy did i don't know if he cut quick or tried to avoid something or dude starts 360ing across the freeway and everyone we're all slowing down i'm like holy shit this guy slow-mo spins i mean this far in front of my car and then lands and stops right next to me facing the other way two people and i go holy shit man are you guys all right and they're like yeah and i was like holy shit dude but it was like a Toyota, you know what I mean? This wasn't some handling, it just was all the way across. And I was like, man, I almost got killed

going to get these clops fixed. Dude, one time I went to, I was in Florida. I was a teenager and it had rained a little bit. I was in a car and I was just not, just being dumb, I turn and I gun gun it, and the road was wet, and the car just started to spin, but there's cars around. And I'm like, oh, shit, so I just let go, and the car starts sliding towards a semi

with a rig on the back, and I was like, oh, fuck, I'm going to just slide into this thing, and it's going to be catastrophic and there was nothing I could do because it was just sliding and it just slid and slid and slid and it stopped like this far from the truck and I was like and then you just kind of

drive away like okay don't do that again I had that happen to me in the rain too I drove that big dodge aspen station wagon and we were barreling through the rain those tires were bald the belts were sticking out of the fucking things and i remember this guy just i thought i just thought he was going to turn he had plenty of room to do it but he decided he wasn't going to do it and then i hit the brakes and we're we're just hydroplaning the whole way i'm not i let go and my we have time to have a conversation my friends like are we going to hit him i'm like

yeah we're gonna we're gonna crush this guy we're gonna crush this guy and i remember putting my hand over here on his chest and i mean same thing at the i mean the last possible second he just casually made that left and we were like i mean right behind right behind. Fuck, man. Did I ever tell you that I got in a car accident the day after I got my driver's license? This was so depressing. The day after? The day after. It was super depressing. So,

when I was first of all, when I was like 15, I never had a learner's. I just. You just went straight to driving? At 16. So I had no driving experience.

How did you even do that? Well, here's the fuck. I remember that when I was like 15 and 10 months, one of my older cousins visited and was like, oh, let's drive this, my car around the neighborhood. And I told my dad, I was like, I'm going to ride with my cousin. And he was like, you don't have a license. And I go, I know, but, and he flipped out because he's so about rules and, like, just exploded. I was like, I won't do it. I won't drive with him.

Just so upset. Then I asked him if I could ride with him in the car just to practice. And he was like, you don't have a license. Like, just went crazy again. I was like, all right. But you don't need to have a license. You only need a LERS permit to have him in the car. But I didn't have that.

And I was like, just. You just wanted to get behind the wheel. Yeah. And also, like, let me practice. No. So, anyway, the day I turned 16, I go. uh, I, I take the, uh, test. I remember I took it with this old piece of shit in the passenger seat who I was like, uh, he was, it was, we were driving in a parking lot and he was like, he was like, go up here and turn here.

And I go, I pulled up and in the parking lot, I go, do you want me to stop here? here and I go I pulled up and in the parking lot I go do you want me to stop here like um like I would on a road or just continue because we're in this parking lot he goes this is a test and I was like I know but I'm saying because there's no stop sign here and he goes so what what would you do I was like just never mind man so, man. So I just, you know, I drive, uh, after the test, he tells me I passed everything but that I was like, I was like, I failed because of that though. No, no, I still passed. He was like, but you had that wrong. And I was like, okay. Um, I get my, I get the, my license go home and you're just like jonesing to drive right like it's just so exciting and also like i'd grown up just uh as a kid like a lot of kids a car fanatic right like i just played with car toy cars and photos of cars and i have car mag i just want to drive i just want to drive and the feeling is like such

a rush so the next day i have school i come home and i'm like I want to go I want to I want just an active like give me an errand to run and I'm like um oh I have my little sister I go we're gonna go to uh McDonald's and um they're like okay my parents are going to a black tie event that night so they're like okay yeah like it's a few hours after school. They're like, go there, go to the drive through, get food, come home. But it'll be like, you can drive, right? So we get in the car, I drive, go to the drive through, uh, we're, we leave, we're, we're headed home. Now we're on us one. How from mcdonald's to home from mcdonald's to home i think it would probably be i'm trying to think here i think it's about a 10 minute drive so i'm at you i'm

at an intersection on us one and another street and it's it's probably like around five so it's it's pretty you know it's a town, but it's traffic traffic for that time. Well, here's the thing, because I have zero experience, I don't know, this is like, it sounds so crazy now, but I realized that I'd never asked, I'd never put it together. That if you're in the left-hand turning lane on a green light, not a green arrow, but a green light that, uh, obviously, to oncoming cars. So it turns green, and I'm like, there's cars going. And I'm like, oh, and then I kind of am putting together

like, I think I'm supposed to go. I don't know the rule at all at this time. And so then I... You know what would help with that? What? Some driving experience. Yeah, some driving experience. Yeah, that would have helped. That would have helped. That would have helped. Yeah. One time. Dude. So I, uh, I see like some space between the car that just came by and next car.

I'm like, oh, I'll just go now. and the car that's oncoming hits the rear, like rear passenger and rear tires, right? Crushes it hard. Car just goes pow. How old's your sister? Well, I'm 16. 13.

So she's probably 12. Damn. Two little kids in the car. Yeah and that the impact split the rear axle holy shit so it's what are you driving it's a toyota avalon damn four-door sedan rear axle split that's a wide bit that's a wide body yeah too that thing's split and i'm like fuck so first thing i do who is it who hit you a lady who she's just like looking you know she's probably like 55 and she's just like there's no airbag or anything she doesn't come and say like are you okay she's just out looking just looking i'm like

jesus christ like come fucking ask us if we're all right are you able to get out and stuff are you able to get out but the first thing i do there's a there's a car like the mounted car phone in the car uh and i i'd call and my dad answers the phone and i just go i crashed that's what you said yep he's like hello i go i crashed and he's it? That's what you said? Yep. He's like, hello? I go, I crashed. And he's like, where are you? And I tell him that he shows up in his black tie gear.

Tuxedo. Like, with the tie off, you know? And he's just like... He shows up. Also, fire, police, ambulance, everyone's there. Like, it's a huge intersection crash on a major street at that time. So here's the thing is, like, I'm like, you all right? My sister, she's, like, more emotionally worked up.

She's like, and they go, the paramedic comes over. He goes, are you okay? And she goes, yeah. And he goes, do you feel like off at all? And she's like, I mean, he's like, are you like at all uncomfortable? And she goes, yeah. And he goes, oh yeah, yeah. Get the stretcher. So I was like, God damn it. So like, she's sitting, I'm like, you need a stretcher so i was like god damn it so like she's sitting i'm like you need a stretcher and she's like i don't know she he got because he had asked her like a leading question and she goes yes like i do feel bad he's like stretch like he gets 20 bucks every time somebody gets on the stretcher you know yeah right down and i'm like it looks so scary oh yeah and then she starts crying more. She's like,

into the tunnel. He'll walk again. But you guys didn't go to the hospital or anything? Well, yeah. So this is the best part. I was like, God damn. So first of all, you know,

I'm one day into my driver's license. Yeah, day one. And I also am like, I'm believing that I'm a good, I'll be like, I'll be a good driver. My older sister, day one. And I also am like, I'm believing that I'm a good, I'll be like, I'll be a good driver. My older sister, by the way, is a horrific driver.

Has double digit car accidents and tickets and stuff. Yeah. For real? Out of this world. That's crazy. Out of this world. You've never.

Double digit car accidents and tickets. Yes. She got a ticket going 105 and a 55. Holy shit! That's jail time. Yeah, I know. Yeah.

Dude, she has... That's like reckless driving. They'll throw everything at you. They told her. They told her. They're like, you know, we could take you to jail right now. We could take your car. They told her.

They're like, what the fuck? Like, my dad goes, what the fuck are you doing and she goes i was dancing like dancing driving didn't even realize yeah oh my god she uh she backed up one time she backed up into a light post um but it was to drive across the street so she hit that she hit a parked car once she hit the island at a gas station she hit the pole exiting a parking lot she got she's t-boned a car she's been t-boned um just countless countless every way that you could fuck up a car she's done it so anyways she's a couple years old i mean she's already like had a few of these and i'm I'm like, God damn it, man.

So we go to the hospital. And we're sitting in this waiting room. My mother's, of course, traumatized. Her baby is in there. And then I feel totally guilty. Like, my dumb ass, not knowing that rule, got my fucking sister in the hospital. And I, and I just feel so low and so badly.

I'm like, fuck. And I just don't know. I don't know what to say. I'm just, I'm, I'm just so depressed in the moment. And they're like,

it's okay. Like you didn't know. And, uh, you know, she's going to be all right. And I'm like, I know. I just feel like such a piece of shit. I ruined your night.

I ruined the car. The axle. Yeah. The axle split. And then as I'm sitting there and they're like, it's okay. I'm like, all right. Then a Florida highway patrolman comes in. He's like, sorry about, you know, what happened.

Here's also your ticket for the violations. Oh, my God. You got to get all that. That's what he's giving them to. In the hospital waiting room. He's got 47 points right now. He's like, just sign right here. That's a $380 ticket.

And then I was like, cool. He probably got one guy on the force. Yeah. You know, the soft-spoken guy like send send send larry and yeah like larry talks to kids well it's like cool well this is a perfect uh thing to talk about because we got some updates i want to share with everybody about the honeydew but also i want to tell you so my stepson is 16 he has his learner's permit now. And we've been out driving, and we're on quarantine, can't do anything. So I put a bunch of GoPros in the car and on the car,

and I'm starting a new series called, just a little short web series called Learner's Permit, where I take him out and teach him how to drive and shit like left-hand turn lanes and arrows and just about life in general. Let me tell you something. I get that turn right every time now. I never fucked that one up.

Well, Learner's Permit will be available soon. That sounds cool. It's fun. I'm working on it. And as soon as we're off quarantine, what I'd love to do is have an introduce every once in a while, backseat driver, and have you and other comedians pop up and talk to him about that.

I would love to do that and do it in a high horsepower car that makes a 16-year-old go like, oh, fuck. What, let him drive it? I'll be the one going, oh, fuck. He can't handle that. He can't handle that at all. He wants to, though. He loves that shit.

I wanted to do that to Bert's daughter. You're such a car guy. You know what the type of car is? He loves the Subaru. There wanted to do that to Bert's daughter. You're such a car guy. You know what the type of car is? He loves the Subaru. There's a Subaru that he loves. Some people are. That is a lane that has a. It's like a cult following.

I mean, he loves all your cars. He loves your cars. But he'll see it. Every now and then we'll see it. He goes, there's that Subaru. That one. But then I'm like, Subaru? You know who's a devout Subaru guy, too?

Is Tosh. Oh, yeah? He loves Subarus. Yeah, he swears by this car. He grew up on guys like Ken Block and all these racers, and it would just tear it up. I mean, I have a feeling that it must be a thing where if you have one, you don't leave them because so far.

They got age on them, and he's like, that car is badass. Yeah. Really, that one, huh? Yeah. Yeah, so learner's permit's coming coming i'd love to have you if you trust i would drive your ass around i'm not getting in a high power car you two motherfuckers there's no way um but also some updates on the honeydew so you know with everything going on with this coronavirus and social distancing distancing being six feet i just it's odd to me

that james brown would not be able to be between us right now i know you know that what do you mean you know six three you say you would be he would uh you say if if we sat on that if you sat on the the head end of james brown i was at his and we can have a perfect conversation i'm saying no we're we're fucking four inches too close there's six foot six feet between us at that point. Six feet. It'd be just like having Michael Jordan lay between us. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah.

Well, there's a lot going on. So let's update everybody with what's going on with the honeydew. So crazy things are going on right now. Obviously, you got where we record now. Maybe hours are going to with the honeydew. So crazy things are going on right now. Obviously you got where we record now, maybe hours are going to be limited staff, limited blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah. There's a lot going on. I do not live near here. I live on the West side. If this shit gets any worse and we aren't able to record anywhere, we have to do it at our homes. Yeah,

probably. Are you prepared to do that? Well, we started a transition, um, to do that about two weeks ago. So I took a bunch of cables, mics, mic arms, everything to the house to start doing your mom's house from the house. Literally the next day, the mayor announced the stay at home policy we have here in L.A.

you know, the stay at home policy we have here in L.A. with permission for media that we fell under to keep doing it, which is because our next thing was going to be to bring video equipment home and start setting that up, which is still a possibility. It may have it may have to happen. But yeah, it's been, it's, you know, and like this week we were supposed to come in yesterday to do our podcast. That is now moved, was moved to tomorrow. And I just got the message that it's now going to be moved to Saturday. It's all because of like coverage for someone to watch our kids and that person's been sick. So yeah, it's all, it's all crazy right now. Yeah. My daughter's mother actually is, she's a bad ass audio mixer. She works at Fox and that person's been sick. So yeah, it's all, it's all crazy right now. Yeah. And my daughter's mother actually is,

she's a bad-ass audio mixer. She works at Fox and they make her go in. They're still making her go. Really? And every day she goes in, they take everyone's temperature. If you have a fever, your ass is out.

They don't let you in, but she's considered essential as well. Wow. Um, so they're being great about it. They're even giving them hazard pay. They're giving them like nine bucks an hour on top of what they make. That's great.

That is great. Yeah. Hell yeah. Uh, cause I don't, I don't have anything for the foreseeable future, but you can get your goddamn night pants, uh,

Ryan sickler.com. Stay comfy. Get them night pants. Uh, you can check out learners permit too. That's coming. Uh, but what we're going to do with the honeydew.

So I am going to move out of this studio and put it in. Uh, I don't just say where it is. It's Santa Monica Music Center. So my neighbor, her family has owned it for like 50 years. There's one in Santa Monica. There's one in Culver City. And it's pretty close to where I live.

So I'm going to rent the studio out of the back of that, flip that to the Honeydew studio. And then I'll be coming at you right from there. Same format, same everything. We're going to keep the Honeydew, I believe, as a featured channel on the YMH page. So if you're on YouTube, it's there under you guys, you and Christine, and I believe the highlights and stuff. So, yeah, but what I've asked to do that I'd like to do because it's just time and I need to do it. We're going to move. You can still get to me from the YMH channel, but we're going to move the Honeydew episodes to my YouTube channel. And you're cool with that.

Yeah, absolutely, man. Anything you want to do, I'm 100% supportive of. You know I'm your biggest fan. It's a crazy time so um so if you guys want to help the honeydew and help support me and keep this thing uh going on video just go subscribe to my youtube page you're going to get learner's permit there you're going to get the honeydew there you're going to get uh more stand-up clips there and then i want to announce something else too that i'm doing i'm going to start a patreon um called the honeydew with y'all. And over the last year and a half, I've gotten so many amazing stories that I think

it's time that they're told. So what I'm going to tell you to do now is go to my website, Ryan sickler.com, subscribe to my email, and then send me a, just a quick paragraph of what your story is, why you think it should be heard. And then I'm keeping it one tier. It's five bucks a month. I'm going to try to give you, you know, several episodes a month, uh, while we're on lockdown, we'll zoom them or something like that. I'll video you in, um, and then we'll put them up and you get to hear the honeydew with y'all. So I can't wait to hear your stories. And so many of them, you sent them, I will go back through them, but, um, and I would say this, I would jump on this because because people will need you'll need to say it over and over and over for all those

things but especially on youtube go now yes to youtube the honeydew and subscribe now and say that every episode yes because uh that that fan base will subscribe. You just got to keep saying it. Yep. Go right now and subscribe to my YouTube channel. Go check out Nine Inches with your boy Tom Segura. That's on there

where James Brown is 5'6". Almost 6'8", some people say. 6'8", almost. Could you imagine if a guy 6'8", could really dance the way he could?

It'd be like LeBron James doing it. Yeah. Who I think can actually dance. But like that? Not like that. No one can do that. You got to be closer to fucking Earth for that kind of shit. Let's see.

Oh, Nadav over there is telling us that the URL will be in the YouTube description of this video. So that's the URL for my YouTube? Yeah. So you'll be able to click on that and subscribe right away. If you ever get confused, the feature channel is always on YMH. Can you scroll down? What else is on there? That's it.

I wanted to tell you this, too. This made me laugh. Our buddy Eric Snyder, who we drank and hung out with him richmond virginia at your show remember you yeah yeah yeah yeah told me this story the other day this made me laugh so hard uh he was uh he he slept sitting up dude not only did he sleep sitting up his wife was like okay you can stay and drink with them but you've got a meeting in the fucking morning you gotta be cannot miss it you can't miss it he's like i'll be there i'll be there and then he drank i mean he he drank the wine out of the fucking baby like everything he drank it

all and it i set an alarm for like it was an early he had to leave it like i want to say six yeah i set the alarm early man yeah for 5 30 i'm doing i wake up like eric get up get up we slept in the same bed he's in the same king bed as me i'm like get up you gotta go and do your thing he's like okay and he leaves and i don't know we had a long night i slept in probably got up 10 10 30 and i get i fully get ready i go i think we're going to meet you. Or some of it, I walk out, and the room was big enough to have this little entrance area. And there was a wingback chair. And this motherfucker is sitting upright in it asleep.

I go, Eric, you didn't go to your meetings. Oh, I guess I missed it. He sat down in that chair to put his shoes on and passed out upright. Sitting up. Sitting up. Yep, and never made it to the final game. Well, that night, the night before, I was in your room with you guys. And I kept looking.

I go, he's not going to let me in tomorrow. I don't know that. Because he's just like, we got another one. He's like, I'll be there. I'll be there. Yeah. But he told me a story like a month or so ago. I guess he was at the gym.

And he goes, I got to tell you this. This just happened. It made me laugh. And he's in there. And's it's him there's a black dude in there and then this white dude with his two little kids and they the three of them have just gotten out of the pool and the little kid looks at his dad and dying dying why is your penis so small i don't know i have you like i know your dad embarrasses you but have you ever had any time where like that's what parents do though yeah they do like my dad they both do yeah yeah but my dad would do it intentionally like there's

there was a time where we we had this this this station wagon i mentioned it's this 1977 it's a dodge aspen limited edition oh excuse me wood panel maroon dark tinted windows around limited limited edition play uh you. Pleather seats. I talk about that early power steering. Remember early power steering where if you just touched it, the car would be like, like it was so unnecessary. Nobody needs to steer like that. High beams down on the floor.

We're in Ocean City, Maryland. It's the middle of summer, and it's coastal highway, which is not like the PCH, but it is, and the fact that if there's one asshole breaks down, we're sitting forever, you know, and that's where we are, and it's, we're cooking in the fucking sun. The AC, it's blowing hot air. It's not working, and I'm trying to roll my window down,

and, you know, it squeaks. There's electric, you know, and it squeaks. There was electric. It goes a quarter, a quarter up. He's putting it back up, and I'm going down. Just this car of these, I'm probably 13, a carload of these fucking hot seniors. They're all in senior week. Pull up next to us. These girls are hot. I'm just staring at them.

All of a sudden, I hear, and I see it go down. I'm like, dad, I'm trying to roll it up. And he locked it up. He's like, hey, girls. Oh, no. I'm like, dad. He's like, hey, girls, my son, Ryan, right here. You think he's cute?

I'm like, oh, my fucking God. Dad, shut it up, dad. Like, shut up. He's like, tell him, Ryan. He's doing a lot of pushups now. What are your grades, Ryan? Tell him what your grades are. I'm like, tell him, Ryan, he's doing a lot of push-ups now. What are your grades, Ryan? Tell him what your grades are. I'm like, oh, my God.

He made the Presidential Physical Fitness Award. I'm like, shut the fuck up. Did they at least entertain it or no? They did. Oh, they loved it. I was humiliated. He did it too. And I've been emailing with him.

Thank you as well. But DMC from Run DMC is going to come on the honeydew eventually when all this shit's over. Thank you. Yeah, we've been going back and forth. And that night, I'm going to tell him this, too. I still have the ticket stub. My dad took us to see. It was me, my two brothers, and my buddy Shannon.

And took us with his dad to see Run DMC and the Beastie Boys together forever at the Capital Center in D.C. I think we're like 13, 14. Do you remember the show? Oh, yeah. It was the Beastie Boys, License to Ill. They had the girls dancing in the cages back when they were the beer, you know, throwing and everything else before they got to Check Your Head and all that stuff. But what I really remember is my dad doing that shit again

because we're all in a row and right behind us in this row. Like I said, I'm probably the same age, right in that pocket, 13, 14, 15. These girls are right here in this row. They're college girls or whatever. Hey, girls. This is my son Ryan. Shut the fuck up, Dad. I can't.

Oh, my God. Kept doing that the whole time. Look at him. You think he's cute? Girls, you think he's cute? Shut the fuck up, Dad. I'm trying to watch Run the MC. Oh, my God. Kept doing that the whole time. Like, look at him. You think he's cute? Girls, you think he's cute? I'm like, shut the fuck up, Dad. I'm trying to watch Run the MC. Oh, my God.

My dad, see, that's awareness that he's doing something embarrassing. My dad is totally unintentional. Well, I mean, I would get that, too, but he never did intentional shit. No. My dad would do this one a lot. That wasn't his thing. We'd go to, like, Target or whatever, Kmart back then. There was no Target.

And we'd be in the fishing aisle looking at lures or whatever, and he would drop a fart, but he wouldn't say anything. And then he would casually move to the other side, and then they would hit us or the other people. We'd be like, oh, my God. I would hear him on the other side laughing so hard. Yeah, my dad definitely likes a fart thing. He actually, i was writing about

this the other day about how he has some so many shit and fart stories that he's told so many times they have titles you know so he titles yeah like he'll refer to them he's like orlando airport and i'm like yeah i remember so he does uh he'll refer he's like remember the Airport. And I'm like, yeah, I remember. So he does, he'll refer, he's like, remember the movie theater? And I'm like, oh, God. Because one time we went as a family to the movies. And it was like, the movie was starting. I want to say it's like in the first few minutes of the movie. And we're all in one row, our family.

And then the rows in front of us are full. Dude, he dropped. My dad had diverticulitis. He had a bunch of intestines removed, like emergency surgery when he was like early 40s. And what was that because of? That's like an inflation that happens in your large intestines, right? It's a digestive.

Diuretary? I don't know. I think it might be. You got to get ready for that. I know. So ever since then, he said everything was different with his digestive tract. But his farts are fucking, I mean, everybody says their dad can fart. I'm telling you, I've never been around anything like this.

And I've also, I shared a hotel room with him like a few years ago where he farted and i was like man fuck you i love and and i'm not kidding you i'm not kidding you i came back 35 minutes later and it smelled like someone's shit in the room like just hanging in there yeah oh i just so we were were in the theater, and my dad farted. It wasn't audible. All of a sudden, you're like, oh, my God. And you know it's one of his. It's like a guy pulled his pants down and shit in the eye.

It's that bright. It's so strong. So immediately, you see my mom go, I don't. She's just like, I don't. And then all of us are like oh my god and you see him he's like like this and literally you kept one two three in front of us ten people stand and they all left they all went to like different seats everybody left and then and then his family left too. We all got up. And we left. And then there's my dad alone and 25 empty chairs around him.

And eventually my mom was like, we should go sit back next to him. Like, I feel badly. I'm like, I don't. I don't feel badly at all. But he's like, remember that movie theater? He says it like, remember that game where you hit a fucking home run? I'm like, yeah, that was great. My grandmother had an epic one,

and it was one that was just so funny that we would make her tell the story again and again. It never got old to us because she would laugh, and she had a laugh. I mean, we all have a different laugh. I probably have more of a laugh like my dad, but my grandmother would get in this one where she would get in that where she can't breathe either, and she'd be like, and then it would be a pause and then a boom and then a boom, you know,

and it just kept going until she told me one time she was in a cab with my Aunt Marguerite, her sister, and those two started laughing about something, and she laughed so hard she peed her pants, but that made her laugh harder, and she couldn't tell my Aunt Marguerite, so she just took her hand and put it in her crotch so she could feel it she started laughing so hard she peed herself the cabbie's like i don't know what the hell you two are laughing out there but this has been a fun ride she's like yeah wait till you can see that

back seat so my grandmom goes uh she and a cousin Jimmy of ours both have the same birthday. It's like December 9th, years apart, but the same day. So they would always go get like a coffee and breakfast. I don't want to forget something. I have to write it down. Yeah. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Because this is with you.

Hold on. Oh, is this what I'm thinking? I don't know. The cup man fart story? No. It's not the story where you shit in the guy's mouth, literally? No. Not that one.

No. So anyway, they have the same birthday. They usually get a breakfast and a coffee or whatever together in the morning. So she gets coffee and she's like, Ryan, it hit me. It just, it got me. This is who? It's my grandma. Wait, I think I know this.

And she went back to the bathroom. Yeah. She tells my cousin, just wait here. And she said, Ryan, I had diarrhea so bad. She's like, and I wasn't touching that toilet. And they're in Baltimore City and she just pulls her shirt up shirt up pants down she goes to bathroom and she goes i turn around i wipe i turn around to go flush and she goes there's nothing in the toilet i'm like what she's like it's sprayed all over the wall like a lion you know what i mean like all over the wall she's

like oh my god she's panicking like oh my god so she's washing her hands and trying to get the fuck out of there right then an hands and trying to get the fuck out of there right then an employee comes in to clean the restroom and my grandmother just looks at this lady she goes some sick son of a bitch did that in there and then just hauled ass grabbed my cousin jimmy she's like we gotta get the hell out of here and he's like i'm not done my coffee he's like i'll buy you another call we gotta get the fuck out of here shit all over their wall who okay who were we hanging out with do you remember we were taught man is this what you just wrote down yes yeah that we were like we were hanging out in a group of guys and somebody remember we were i forgot it's like it's like vaguely coming to me we're hanging

out with a group of guys and there was one guy who wasn't i guess like part of our circle we were talking about like a hot chick and the guy went went overboard you remember like yeah she's hot she's and then the guy was like man i'd love to split her in half and fuck her till she shits and we were like what no and he kept saying that kind of stuff. Everybody was like, all right. You don't remember that? No. Dude, I feel like it was you. I'm trying to think of the group because it wasn't comics.

It wasn't comics. I felt like it was either Grindstaff. And there was somebody else in this circle that we were talking and we we all walked away and we're like that guy's fucking gonna kill somebody this wasn't your cousin that got drunk in vegas and started saying shit where we all had to eventually just get away from the table like yeah you're gonna be playing this blackjack when you're No. Or my other cousin that was singing. Yeah. Drunk.

Drunk. Every time people are saying crazy shit, they're drunk. But this was not a drunk guy, man. God, I wish. This is going to come to you at like 2 in the morning. Yeah, it is. It's going to wake me up. Look, man, I don't know what you've been doing during all this shit,

but I fucking, I can't sleep. I walk the streets. Really? Dude, i walk the street really dude i walk the streets yeah you sleep eight and a half hours i'm out there at midnight oh so let me tell you what happened last night this is crazy so last night i'm outside i mean i have developed a weed smoking habit on top of my weed smoking habit and i i love it what else am i good what are you know eight hours i'm gonna match it tonight what is the is that this is a well this is my whoop i like your whoop whoop whoop um so i'm out last night it's probably midnight and the streets are empty so i'm just walking i'm smoking a joint i think of things you know i put them in my notepad

i don't know i'm just very creative at night yeah and um all of a sudden here comes a police suv here comes another here comes another all SUV. Here comes another one. Here comes another one. All headlights off, parking lights only. They're pulling up everywhere. Cops come up. They're like, you see anybody running through here? I go, no, just people walking their dogs. All right, they pull away.

And then they do it again, come by. Another guy, you see a guy look like this? You hear anybody screaming or yelling? I go, I've been out here for 10 minutes just getting some fresh air, and I haven't heard that at all. Are you holding a joint right now? Yeah, yeah, they're all talking to me. But they got bigger problems right now.

This is some real shit's going on. But there's like eight of them. They're pulling in every direction. I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, let me get the fuck in the house. I'm not going to be that white guy. He's like, what's going on out here? And you know what I'll read about.

I got the Citizen app. You know what I'm saying? Is it over there? It's all loud over there. Heard it coming from that way, you know i'll take the lead yeah like i'm pretty sure he's over here let me put on my iphone flashlight um but they're they're flashlight and everything so today i find out that apparently the building behind uh or diagonal from us um some home intruder got in the dude got him and was holding him down he was screaming

call the police i got him call the police and then i guess the dude got away and hauled ass out of there and they were all looking for him i was i'm just out there smoking a fucking joint minding my business but i didn't hear anybody holy shit man it's been crazy the place behind me has been um it burned down there's just fucking the people really the people move well it didn't burn down it got burned down the people moved out fucking... Really? The people moved... Well, it didn't burn down. It got burned down. The people moved out. This is the building behind you? The whole building?

So the people moved out, and the dude, I guess he sold it, and they're demoing the building to build these new, nice, high-rise condos. But in the meantime of that building being vacant, it's been taken over by squatters and homeless, crazy homeless people, like crazy shit. They've set two fires, all the kind of shit's going on. So I don't know, a week and a half ago, they set it off like legit on fire. This is the demoed?

Yeah, the demo. So it had to be boarded up, fenced. The police always say, we can't do anything. But they burned it down. They fucking set it on fire just the second time. But this time for like... Like it was a big-ass fire? It looked like when I got to my...

I had to drive home. I wasn't home. We're all getting these texts like, get home. It was huge. There were like a hook and ladder. It must have been eight fire trucks, ambulances. Oh, man. They treated this

shit like it was you know was anybody in there well i was kept waiting to hear we got a dead body in there and i haven't heard yet no but um they burnt they burned it down it was the fire department said look if this thing would have been if we would have got this call right after midnight we would have reduced our staff because they'd be spread out everywhere else and you guys would have been fucked this would have spread be spread out everywhere else and you guys would have been fucked. This would have spread to every building around here and this whole corner would have gone up. But they were, dude, that LA fire department

was on top of shit. Do you remember when I lived with Chuck and my neighbor got murdered? I do now, yeah. That was the house where I was dog sitting. They used to shoot transsexual porn upstairs. Or my neighbor upstairs. There was an upstairs in that house?

Yeah. This is the one that he and I moved to. The picket fence around the yard? Yeah. It was a two story. Oh, was it? Yeah, yeah. And they would come.

He would bring Yeah. Yeah. And they would come. He would bring he would bring actors. Yeah. To. Yeah. They would park by my bedroom and the staircase to his place was by my bedroom. So I would I would see them walk up the stairs like. Hi. And then he would have production lights in his apartment.

You know, you'd be like, what the fuck is, are they shooting up there? Because, and then you would just hear it. You'd hear that shit? Oh, yeah. And moaning and screaming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they were, they were, that would be upstairs. And then if you walk out our front door, you know, like that we normally see from our living room, you open the front door.

There's a house across the street. And then the one to the right, that guy, they shot him. He got killed. Shot him with a shotgun seven times. Come on. Yeah. That is personal. Yeah.

On the driveway, in the driveway. Were you guys home? Yeah. What? But here's the thing. I didn't, I was in a dead sleep. You sleep good, bro. I sleep good.

I sleep right there. There it is. There it is. I wish you guys happened to be watching Boogie Nights and it was that scene so you didn't notice shots were real. I thought it was the movie, man. All I remember was I was asleep and then uh chuck standing over me tommy tommy i'm like what are you like do you hear that i'm like i'm i'm asleep what are you talking about he's like

you didn't hear that i'm like no dude and then he's like it sounded like really loud bang and i was like i didn't hear anything i hear you talking to me. Yeah. And then not even a few minutes later, and it was LAPD detectives already there. Seven, listen, seven. They said that with that type of gun that he was shot, they emptied it and reloaded and shot him. That's what I'm saying. That would take like a minute to do seven of those.

And they shot him on, in the driveway on top of his car. Fuck! Yeah. Unsolved. They never got anyone for it. They're scared of that guy. They said he was

dealing drugs. I mean, I'm watching this guy out back. This was like two weeks ago. There was a homeless guy in there, and he's having a standoff with the police. Really? He's screaming, you're going to have to fucking kill me. He's got a pipe and shit. And these dudes, they've threatened people.

They're fucking our cars up. Like, it's just been a problem all over the neighborhood. Everyone's going to these court meetings, whole thing. This is recent? Yeah, it's been like a year and a half ordeal, this shit. So we're like, oh, my'm like, oh, my God. Are they going to fucking kill this guy right now? He's screaming, you're going to have to fucking kill me.

You're going to have to kill me. And I'm not. And then the cops are like, we're just going to leave. We're like, wait, what? The whole building's out there. Like, you're going to leave? Why? Finally, we can do so.

He's threatening you. They're like, he's just crazy. It's not worth it. And then I was like, oh, you guys are worried. He's got the coronavirus. And you don't want to put him in the fucking car with you. That's exactly worth it. And then I was like, oh, you guys are worried. He's got the coronavirus, and you don't want to put him in the fucking car with you. That's exactly what it is. They're worried all of them are.

They're not arresting anybody right now. No violent crimes. That's what I was saying. Even those cops weren't going to fuck with me. First of all, it's legal enough. And second of all, there's somebody that's breaking into people's homes. Why don't you go chase that guy? I'm out here trying to get some fresh air.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's some wild shit, though. It's been crazy going on, yeah. Yeah, I remember the next thing was. Oh, I have something I want to ask you about. It's kind of a honeydew job. Well, tell me what. No, so they came and they distributed flyers.

We're seeking someone for this homicide. Hey, we're looking for the guy that took his time and shot this motherfucker in his driveway on his car. With a shotgun. Seven times. So if you have any information, call us now. I'm going to tell you who that is. That guy doesn't give a fuck. That guy doesn't give a fuck.

This will show you how my brain works and how it's not equipped for the corporate space. You gave him info? No. You're crazy, dude. I wouldn't have said stop like i know i didn't give i'll tell you i didn't give anybody i didn't give any info i didn't do anything what happened was they gave us those flyers and i thought it was so ridiculous so i was working in post-production at the time and my boss was like oh i know you do comedy um will you do we're having this end of the week we have to do this presentation we have to do a meeting a big meeting in the conference room you know it has like 30 people at it is there anything you could do to like you know that would

be funny i'm like what do you mean he's like well you know like i don't know maybe you could like distribute a packet or something and just you know know, maybe put some comedy into it. And I was like, okay. I just got some flyers. So I made copies of that homicide flyer. And then I took some other things that I thought were funny. And I had them like professionally put together and I distributed it in this meeting and he was like all right Tom like take it away and I was like

all right and he didn't had no idea he had no idea what's gonna happen and then there's like I don't know probably like a meme and then something i wrote and then and then this thing and i was like and this is uh also like my neighbor got killed a couple weeks ago and we're trying to solve it and he was like what i was like and i i started to like try to to riff on it and people some people were laughing some some people were like, what's going on? And I was like, and then somebody was like, oh, he typed this up.

Like, he's a comedian. He wrote this up in that conference meeting. And I was like, oh, no. Like, this is- You're right about me being a comedian. But my neighbor was brutally murdered on the hood of his car. And I thought we could use it to bring some light to this meeting. And they were like, wait, what's the funny part?

And then afterwards. And then there's a GIF of me right here with a WTF. You know what I was saying? Guys, please switch your recycling to recycle cans. You better buy it. If you have any information on the brutal murder of my neighbor, please call this number right here. I thought it was like a funny moment, you know?

I remember, too, the other thing was that I never considered that people in the room may have experienced some horrific violence in their life. Yeah, right. So afterwards, one of the girls was like, this real i was like i was like yeah some fucking somebody killed my neighbor isn't that crazy and she was like yeah i i know a lot of people that have been killed and i was like all right so do you have flyers we can add them to next week's package let's solve some cases, y'all.

Let's have a good week, guys. Try not to use too many cups out there. I saw this again, too. I got to move. This is the first time I've ever even said this to anybody. But I witnessed something one night. These two guys. Now, this is what I have put together in my head because, again,

I don't tell anybody shit, and I don't talk to anybody. And there is a security guard that was right there, and I could have answered all his questions, and I was like, I'm not telling anybody shit. But there's a guy that would come home in a white Range Rover blaring his music all the time, and he would always have like a gang of dudes roll with him, and they would always be loud. But they're always coming in 2.30 or 3 in the time. And he would always have like a gang of dudes roll with them. They would always be loud,

but they're always coming in two 30 or three in the morning. His alarm would always go off. Same thing every fucking night. But you could say he was arrogant, you know, just fucking flashing money and everything. And I just knew he pissed somebody off because these two dudes come up the alley one night.

I mean, band and I could tell one one's a black guy, but the other person, I couldn't tell age, race, sex, nothing. They were covered. The only thing I could see on the other guy was this. They walk. They are not in a fucking hurry. They pull out pistols, and they aim at his. Now, meanwhile.

This is where? Where are you? Right behind my building. Now, they've walked past everyone else's cars. If they were there for any other reason, they would have shot up every fucking car. They walked right to that gate. They put their guns through, pop, pop, pop, and blew his fucking front up. Okay?

And then walked leisurely away from it. Okay? Now, I was like, holy fuck. And the security guard comes right around the corner i'm like they might have known the fucking security guard and said we're gonna go do this maybe he's in but he starts writing up some shit or whatever i go to bed i wake up in the morning the car is gone okay now there's another dude that parks next to him and these two they would rival back and forth okay yeah i remember this exact it was this kickoff of football not of of last year okay opening day and i hear this horrible fucking like metal grinding on metal and gears and shit and then just this loud boom and i look outside

and the dude that parks next to the dude in the range rover who has beef with the guy in the range rover drives this big ass ford pickup with a fat like lift axles the whole thing dude the axle is off his truck it's off like it's and he's blocking everyone's in and out so we're stuck good thing i got three and a half hours of football he had to call a tow truck regular Regular tow truck was too small to take it. He had to call a big ass rollback to come get it. And I was like, man, these guys got a fucking feud going

on. But yeah, they walked right off. With guns? Yes. Pistols, handguns. In a back alley. Shot up a car. And then walked away. Let's go over here and get fucking tacos. Yeah.

That's exactly what happened. Wait, what were you going to ask? I was going to ask you about your job that's a honeydew job. You may not want to talk about it, so you might want to edit this. But what I remember when I first met you and Chuck, you guys had a job that I couldn't and still can't. And from every now and then then I'll pass that area or it'll come in my head. It was at a place called Splash.

Have you talked about that? I feel like I've maybe mentioned it. It's funny. I've been writing about that too. You asked me if there's any. That is something. That job. Can I get a bottle of water please real quick? Sorry. Did I crack this one yet?

I'll take this one. He didn't this one yet? I don't know. Did you? No. I'll take this one. He didn't crack that one. I just cracked it. Thank you. I don't have the COVID plan. All right.

So this is the truth, okay? Explain to people what Splash is. Yeah, yeah. Well, first I want to say how I ended up with this. So I get to L.A., and, you know, you kind of settle in, and I'm like, I need to say how I ended up with this. So I get to L.A. and you can kind of settle in. I'm like, I need to get a job. I had come working from more career-oriented stuff, even though I was so young. But I'd already had a real estate license and worked in real estate.

So I felt like that could have been obviously like a career track. And then I worked in, uh, I worked for America's most wanted and I worked in, uh, the research department and I, I even helped produce an episode. So I had that, which felt like real work. And now I'm coming here and I'm like, Oh, I need to get a job. You know what I mean? Like a, an hourly job. So, and I don't really have, I didn't really have, you know, restaurant experience, anything like that. I'm like, well, what can I do for like a job? And I see, I forget whether it was a, in some type of trades or online, but hiring at a

spa. And I'm like, oh, I've been to spas. Spas are nice. I could, I could work at a spa, you know, fold some towels and smell eucalyptus all day. I thought it would be alright, you know. And I go with Chuck to Splash, the relaxation spa. Which was also very popular back in the day

on Blind Date. That's where they would end up on Blind Date. I did not know that when we went there. Okay. I found that out. So if you ever watched Blind Date, the old one, not that they read, they just brought it back. But the old one, you know, they throw people together, go on a date, and they would end up always somewhere in a hot tub. And the hot was um at splash because what splash really was was an hourly rental hot tub rooms it was where you could bring prostitutes basically but they don't have a fuck motel it's a right tub yeah yeah i just farted so loud um i thought that was next door i thought that was noise next door.

I hope the mics pick that up. So Splash, so I get there, and I'm literally picturing, like, there will be massage therapists. Burt Williams. Yeah, mud wraps. Right, yeah. There's going to be some mud wraps. Oh, man.

So there's a front desk, and the guy who owns it is going to train us. And he starts, so I'm sitting here like putting together, because he doesn't just come out and say, this is what this is. I'm like, this is a spa. I've been to a spa before. So I'm like, where are the therapists? So he starts taking us room by room and it's just and they have i love that you're looking for therapy i am like that's what's gonna spa this is a spa

so i'm like i walk into this room he's like this is the barcelona room i'm like barcelona and it's just a theme they have like a themed room and then they have japanese garden and then they have like istanbul and like just these these names with maybe there's a painting that sort of reflects that name. But it's just a hot tub and then a cheap mattress raised on some type of bedding with sheets and then a knob for music. And then buttons for the hot the hot tub i'm like what the fuck is this man so he's like people come in here they rent the room by the hour i'm like rent the room by the hour then he brings up blind date comes here all the time and i'm like okay so where where's the other stuff he's like this is it like that's what this place is yeah well then he starts training us like how to before and after

people come you got to do put this mixture in the hot tub and and then you know measure the chlorine uh make up make sure you wipe down everything then like there's going to be condoms everywhere i'm like what and uh he's like yeah people come here on dates and i'm like dates then he says you know some people will come here but we never advertise that we you that you know prostitution is something you can do here but they come here and you should never like encourage it or advertise it but that's what happens i'm like oh okay takes us through the whole thing through the whole day of like every room and i'm like um all right man after like one day chuck's like i can't work here and i'm like i'll give it a shot so i'm behind the counter my

favorite thing was this so every everybody's obviously counting their dollars for anything, right? So when you go there, if you say, like, I'm Ryan Sickler, and I want the Barcelona room. I'm like, okay. And my lady's coming to meet me here in a minute. I'm like, great. You have to wait in the lobby until she gets here. You can't go and wait in that room.

I can't be all just macking in the bar. Well, here's the thing. The whole reason for that is has to do with billing, because if you go to the room before she gets there, it could create the idea that you at the end go, well, I was only here from this time. Like she didn't get here, so I wasn't really using the room. I see. So to avoid all that, you always wait for both parties to arrive and they have to go into the room i see so to avoid all that you always wait for both parties to arrive and they have to go into the room together man i worked i ended up working there two weeks okay i had to explain i had to defend that policy every day every day all day people were like just let me go wait in the

room because what was happening was they were embarrassed to be meeting someone they don't know to have sex with them right so and i i grew to enjoy the feeling of telling them watching them yeah yeah yeah yeah so i was like oh no you have to wait here and then they would squirm you could tell they were like oh fuck you know they didn't want to be waiting in front of people and of course i mean you know you just go like oh you just wait here man one time there was a guy he was like oh yeah i just want the room and i was like okay cool and he's like i'm just gonna go there i go no no you have to wait here and he was like oh no i i i can't wait here i'm like that's the policy you can't go into the room until

until the uh the party arrives completely and he was like all right fuck and he was like looking at his watch and he was i mean he was pacing he was really nervous and I'm like all right and then whatever 10 minutes later these uh these two guys walk in one of them's kind of rough looking and they're like Jim he's like Mario and he's like Kevin and they all just kind of meet there they go into the room together and like man like six minutes later telling me to say oh yes but like six minutes later like dude splits and then the other guys leave. And you go in there, and there's just three condoms. That's what I remember.

You told me you set the mop-up jizz off the guy. Yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck. One of my last days. One of my last days. One of my last days, because what would happen was the, uh, I would have thought when I started that we'll run into that prostitution thing. It's the opposite.

It's, it's, uh, it's, it's like all prostitutes, but then every once in a while people are like, Oh, this does seem like a fun date. So you, you, you'd have couples coming in, like, ah, we're trying to spice it up, have some fun. I'm like, there's nothing but whores here. So this couple comes in where the woman is clearly like, she's driving this experience and the guy is like, I don't want to be here, this shit's nasty and I'm like, mm-hmm. So they go down, I take them to a room and then the phone rings at the front desk. He's like, so they go down, I take him to a room

and then the phone rings at the front desk. He's like, man, this shit is nasty. There's hairs in the sink. And I'm like, really? And of course, my actual thought is like, yeah, I'm not trying to be a great cleaner. So I'm like, what? And then I go down there and i'm like i cannot let me move you guys to the istanbul room yeah i like wipe it down and then i try to move and eventually he he

he he calls it off he's like no no no i'm not i'm not doing this place is nasty as hell i was like good call man um so and then i remember it was like that was towards the end and then like a couple days later i uh i didn't have another job but i remember i called the owner and i go i got another job man i'm sorry i got i got i can't come in anymore i'm sorry yeah i was like i'm sorry that i won't be i'm sorry i can't clean come up i can't i mean the jizz mopping is a blast. Oh, God. I told him I couldn't. And I remember that I was lying. I didn't have another job, but I was like, it's just too gross.

And it's too, like, the environment. For a week or two, it feels like you're people watching. I still think about it once in a while. It feels like you're conducting some type of, I don't know, social experiment where you're like, this is wild. But once the newness of it wore off, I was like, this is just foul, man. It was gross. It was gross.

Is that the grossest job you've ever had? I mean... I mean, what gets grosser than mopping up strangers' jizz? Yeah, I think, you know, when you put it like that, that's... That's probably at the top of the list. Right at the top now, yeah. I've done some gross shit i mean i feel like maybe it's just really the uh i've had a lot of like those weird short runs you know

like construction stuff i worked the security at a uh at an auction before. At an auction? What kind of auction? Like antiques. Oh, really? You're the security guard at an antique auction? Yeah. What is that like? I just like, I mean, I was. He's got to be there. Yeah, I feel like I was a high school or college. I think it was maybe, maybe it was college.

I was a big dude. And they just, there you go. Just like look like you're fucking. Just look menacing. Yeah. So you just put on your fucking scowl. college i was big dude and they just there you go just like look like you're fucking just look menacing yeah so you just put on your fucking scowl and uh i mean it's all like old people so they're like oh my god you know um and then i mean the construction stuff was the most brutal you know uh i remember i would tell you i worked with a guy there who told me that a bathtub fell on his neck. And I laughed in his face like that.

A bathtub fell on his fucking neck? Yes. How the hell? Dude, this guy was super fucked up. And when he told me that, I laughed for 10 minutes straight. It's the most ridiculous thing to hear. He just stayed like deadpan. Something that big fell on my neck. From a third floor window.

How's he alive? How's he alive? How's he alive? He had metal rods in his neck. He had metal rods in his neck. Should have hung shower curtains off of his motherfucking neck. You know why it came up? So this fucking guy, we're doing construction. My friend's dad bought these shitty apartments,

and he wanted to remodel them, right, in Florida. It's the summer after my freshman year in college. So I come home, and he's like, my dad bought these shitty apartments. He's going to re you know retile them paint uh put new ac units in them and then rent them so he's like do you want you know do you want some some work and i was like yeah it'd be great man so dude we're going we're laying tile in apartments in summertime in Florida. They don't have the AC units yet.

Oh, man, yeah. You're on the floor. You know, it's 97. There's 110% humidity. I mean, just, I mean, like a faucet just dripping. Every night, I remember I would sleep like a baby then, dude, because you would just, we'd go there, we'd get there at 7 a.m. and work till 5 or something and just be completely exhausted.

Well, this guy is like the foreman, and he's clearly like a transient type, you know? It's not on the- The kind that would have a tough fall in his neck. It's not on the books kind of work. Yeah, right. So this guy has experience. So he's telling us how to like lay grout and do all this stuff but he's we're you know he's in charge and we're just you know

he's like bring those two by fours here and we're like the muscle right me and my friend and i so one day we're out there he takes his shirt off and i'm like what the fuck so he has in under his skin this shit sticking like this. Bulging out? Bulging out. In his abdominal area. I'm like, what the fuck is that? He's like, oh, it's a morphine drip.

I was like, what? It's built into his body? It's sewn into his body. Built in morphine. Yes. Holy shit. This is in his body, and he's like, it's a constant drip. The wiring goes here to my neck, and it drips on my neck.

And I go, what? I go, I've never. How old do you think he is? So at the time, I was 18 or 19, and he was probably, I want to say, maybe 40s. And he didn't look great. I mean, considering. He had like that thin guy build, but with the pot belly. Totally.

You see this thing protruding. I'm like, wait, what are you talking about? To this day, by the way, I've only heard one other person bring that up, that they know what that is. The morphine drip in the body? Yes. One other person in 25 years has brought that up to me, and I've never seen another one. The guy takes his shirt. the guy takes a shirt, I see it and I'm like, what is it? What does it look like? You just see that there's clearly something like a foreign pushing through the flesh, but it looks like, um, it looks like obvious machinery, like a foreign object under like, it'd be like if i had this phone say like an

under my skin and you're like what the fuck is that doing under your skin so he tells me he tells me the uh he's like oh yeah it's a it's a morphine drip and it's sewn in i go why is it sewn into your skin he goes well because i had a uh, intraspinal drug delivery, I guess, would be one of the ways of doing it. I go, what do you mean? He goes, I had an accident, like a horrific accident. And I was like, what happened? And dude, I'm just like looking at him like this, like what happened? He goes, well, I was working on a site and they had built the whole building and they hadn't, mistakenly hadn't put the tubs in into this uh

into the apartments so they had to use a special crane to load bathtubs externally through the windows and one fell out of it and landed on my neck and i I was like, oh, shit. And he just looked at me like, what? Because I started laughing so hard. And I go, what happened? And he's like, my neck went to dust. Like the bones were turned into powder. How is he not dead?

I don't know. It had to hit in such a specific way where nothing else hit his head or anything. And I go, holy shit, man. And I just, I kept looking at him because he stayed deadpan. Every time I looked at him, I started laughing. And he goes, yeah, so I was in the hospital for all this time. they reconstructed my neck with

all these rods and they put this fucking thing in because i'm in so much pain he's microdosing morphine every day all day long and then he's so he saw me lose my shit laughing. So he started to go, he goes, you know, like the next day he goes, you want to hear about the time I broke my legs? And I'm like, yeah, I totally do. Well, fell on those. Dude, he started to tell, he goes, like a week would come by and he was like, oh, he goes, I know you love these stories, so I thought I'd tell you about when I broke my collarbone.

And he would just tell me these stories about horrific accidents. And I would just laugh my ass off. He had a tree trimming accident. He had a ladder fall on him and break his arm. This guy shouldn't be working anything like that. But the tub on the neck. The tub fell on my neck, bro. I mean, just that line.

Dude. Yeah. It was one of the hardest I've ever laughed. I'll bet, dude. Right in his face, too. I mean, there's no way I could have hidden it It hit me in such a way that I could not I mean for anybody

Why would you ever be expecting to hear that Oh a tub fell on my neck Third floor What the fuck are you talking about I bet he didn't even feel it It just would have been like It had to knock him out and he had to wake up And be like I'm still alive

Well here's the thing. A tub fell on your neck from the third story. He probably didn't remember any of that. No. Just waking up like, Oh man. Oh, all right.

All right. We got to get you out of here. Um, thank you again for being on here. And great. I mean, we didn't even say you're fucking special, dude.

It's so fucking good. Oh, thanks. and i loved being out there and even seeing stuff i didn't get to see so yeah it's so good dude thanks for everybody watches it if you check out ball hog yeah check out streaming now on netflix um and again go to youtube the honeydew video episodes are moving to my youtube page again i'll still be under the featured channel on YMH, but the full episode will be on my YouTube, so go subscribe there now. Go to my website, RyanSickler.com. You can subscribe there. Sign up to my email list.

Send me your stories for Honeydew. Night pants also. Stay comfortable out there. Night pants. Thank you again. I love you. Stay healthy. I love you too, man. And I want you to be the first guest at the new studio. I'd love to be. So we're going to be making that switch, by the way, by June 1st. So get over there now.

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