The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - Tom Segura -- #75

Episode Date: June 1, 2020

My HoneyDew this week on the first episode from the new HoneyDew Studio is none other than Mystic Rick himself, Tom Segura! Tom and I reminisce about our early, embarrassing years with girls and just how awkward and stupid we really were and honestly, still are. Make sure you subscribe to my YouTube channel & watch The Dew there every toozdee! If you want more weekly HoneyDew, subscribe to The HoneyDew with Y’all, my new Patreon show where I highlight the lowlights with y’all! If you or someone you know has a HoneyDew story that’s worth hearing, send an email with a brief summary of your story to [e-mail] https://TheHoneyDewPodcast.com

You're listening to The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to The Honeydew, y'all. We're over here with the first episode, doing it at The Honeydew Studios. I want to say thank you guys for coming over. Thank you to everybody at YMH. I appreciate you guys coming to watch the show here. I'm going to give you some updates.

RyanSickler.com is the website. Go join the email list over there. Be the first to find out about some upcoming stuff. YouTube.com, R. Sickler, you're here already. Tell everybody, spread the word. That's where you watch the honeydew. Make sure you subscribe to the Facebook fan page. And the Patreon show is now

launched um i didn't want to charge you guys for they were going to hit you for a may fee and we weren't having any may episodes so now you can go uh sign up patreon links are everywhere ryan sickler.com honeydewpodcast.com um night pants night pants nation y'all it's growing man i can't I love it. Keep sending your photos. I'll keep putting them up. And I can't thank you all enough for just helping me out during all this time. And you look good in the goddamn night pants.

I want to say, too, I record here at the Santa Monica Music Center. If you live in the L.A. area and you want or need some musical instruments or lessons for your kids or for you, this is the spot. They're a family-owned business. They've been around here for 50 years. They're friends of mine. Shout out to Lana Negrete, the best ever. With all the uncertainty from the virus, they've been offering online classes.

So if you live in Ohio, you or your kids, you can get classes and lessons from kick-ass local LA musicians. So go to SantaMonicaMusic.com. Use code HONEYDOO. They'll waive the registration fee, and they'll give you one free lesson when you sign up for a package. And you can feel free to call them. There's a phone number on the website.

There are real people here. Call them up. Talk to them. So that's everything. I wanted to say thank you. As far as the studio here, I want to give a special thanks to my buddy Gary Adler. Gary helped me design this. I threw him some ideas and dude killed it.

Came back with a bunch of shit. And I'm so fucking OCD. I'm a pain in the ass to deal with. So thank you. Jeff Tice doing all the fucking logos and everything for the honeydew. Lana Negrete, as I said here. Everybody at YMH. So thank you. Excited to be here. logos and everything for the honeydew lana negretti as i said here everybody at ymh um so thank you excited to be here this is where we're going to do it from now on and i always

say these are the stories behind the storytellers we're highlighting the low lights over here my first guest the main mommy himself ladies and gentlemen tom segura hey man oh dude thank you for doing yeah yeah for real though look i love the space man i love the space it looks great look i there's a couple things i want to say to you first of all you keep shit very close to because i see people saying that we've had we had a rift and you know it's nonsense nonsense nonsense none of that is true at all no i mean we're even still working together on some other shit but i wanted to say thank you you are i tell everybody not only are you one of the fucking biggest

comedians in the world you're one of the nicest fucking people i'm fortunate to know you and christina oh thanks man you're so goddamn nice you do so much for so many people just for me i mean you pulled me up and you've helped so many people in comedy you you rotate your openers you know you really spread the wealth and the time and people i mean most of us don't ever get to a level where we're rolling in theaters and getting to perform in front of three thousand six thousand people a night when you're doing two fucking shows yeah no that's cool thanks man so thank you and what i have learned from you on top of you're a fucking great businessman you make damn good decisions oh really yeah okay and you have a fucking family business and i remember saying that to you this

you and christina are a modern day family business and i love watching you and learning from you and i thought of it like that but yeah you are you're you're not a brick and mortar but you're a 2020 family business and the thing i have paid attention to like i always wanted to be like when you asked me to uh go out on tour with you i always just believe in being like the most the the least pain in the ass i can be yeah i went right and got clear i went right and got oh yeah say preach even got rear-ended leaving my tsa preach that's the best though yeah right i mean like i i had the same approach to going on the when someone brought me on the road i was like i want to be the last thing this person thinks of i don't want them waiting for me i don't want anything i'll be whatever they said like

noon i'm like 11 45 i'll be even when you even when you almost made that lady cry in minneapolis i professionally walked around the corner and laughed i couldn't even know what happened exactly oh it wasn't it wasn't her you scared the shit out of that lady i'm not done with my thank yous but i'm gonna tell this story real quick we had gotten just we had just gotten in and some shit on the paint the the oh yeah the card wasn't a file okay but here's here's the part but it wasn't her fault it wasn't her fault but here's the part that that is is pertinent to the story so with with a tour like that that was a 183 city tour and to coordinate all that travel we work with a company that does it all so like

there's you know there's there's weekends where it would be me somebody opening the show um alley coming bringing the merch and all that coordination then there's uh sometimes sean would come to shoot content, you know, photography. So there'd be like sometimes four people, sometimes five people for a day. And then you're doing four or five city tour and you have flights, buses, cars, hotels. Right. So there's all this stuff. And that's why.

And this was like the fucking 15th time where I'm checking in in this city and i go like the only thing is make sure that still see your face little asian lady make sure that everything is like and it's not a crazy thing to request like that the the rooms are checked in and the reason is that like if if they tell me that it's checked in, and then I go there and they go, oh, yeah, we need your card, then they end up, they double charge. And it happens all the time. It happens all the time where you check out

and they charged you more nights than you stayed there because it was a prepaid room, but somebody that works there didn't know, and then you pay. When I got to Dublin, they're like, we have your four rooms ready. And I was like. I only need two. Yeah, there's two of us.

And they're like, well, you have four rooms. And I'm like, are they paid for? And they're like, yeah. And I was like, I fucking lost my shit. I wish I had seen an international incident. You should call Potter. He was there. We can call him right now.

That poor lady. I was so fucking mad. And she was one of those people that nervous laugh. She did. She laughed. And do you remember, though? Do you remember that a manager came out? Yeah, she had to go get him.

Wait, and he was like, oh, there is a resume. It is. And then she was like, ah! She was scared to turn around. She was scared to turn around. She was scared to turn around. And she goes, well, I hope no one's getting fired. And you said, somebody's about to. And that's when I went around the corner, and I laughed out loud.

I couldn't even. I know you. It was echoing over there. I was like, ah! Like, trying to. And she was scared. So then later, I remember i remember it was snow it just started snowing and i wanted to go walk and get it like a slice of pizza and i walked down to

the lobby and i asked her i go hey do you know just like a quick place i can go grab a slice she's like she's got on i go what's the matter she's like i just don't want to say the wrong thing i made a mistake before and he got really upset to be clear though i didn't yell at her no you didn't yell at her at all i was like i i told her you were telling her that the people i'm calling these motherfuckers to fuck this up somebody's about to get an earful yeah yeah not her but she's not her i told i was just like i'm gonna i'm gonna fire one of the people i work with. She was like, what? So I was about to. She's like, oh, God.

So she went and got someone to come tell me where the pizza was because she didn't want the pressure of me coming back. Be like, bitch, that was nine block. She was scared. Yeah, she was scared. Oh, my God. Anyway, I want to say thank you. You have taught me a lot,

and you can't go from being at YMH to throwing up a fucking shower curtain behind you. This looks great. I level one up here, and that's what you've taught me. So thank you, dude. And I got a couple gifts for you here. You got gifts for me? This here is a framed picture right here. That's awesome.

This is Tom and I at the University of Nebraska right after I made a field goal. That's right there. I mean, that moment lasted a millisecond. I can't remember one of the guys that got that. That's for you, Clay. That's dope. And then I just want you to. I get my own night pants?

You got night pants nation, bro. Tags on everything. These are new. They haven't been used or you to. I get my own night pants. You got night pants nation, bro. Tags on everything. These are new. They haven't been used or anything, bro. They're your night pants. You're officially part of night pants nation now. I'm putting them on, man. Hey, dude, I love you.

And I always have. I love you, too. You know, we met. Shit, man. That was 2002. That was when we met in 2002. Is that right? I thought it was 2000 or what math always

yeah but two's right that two's when i moved here what you said oh okay well yeah you would know but i used to fucking just abuse your kindness to just i would be like i'm just gonna move into your apartment i would come into your place i would go to ryan's place and i would just there was just shit like you were like have you ever played splinter cell and i was like no I would come into your place. I would go to Ryan's place and I would just, there was just shit like you were like, have you ever played Splinter Cell? And I was like, no.

And then you would just sit at your house and I mean, it would be like three in the morning. The sun would come up. And you're like, I guess we'll stay. Oh my God. I guess we're just going to go ahead and stay. Keep playing. Dude,

I remember, I'll tell you the things I remember too. And your roommate would lend me a DVD folder of pornography. Yeah, so we'll talk about it. Let's talk about it. I mean, he reached out, and he apologized and reconnected. So he's doing well. He's doing good.

So he, well, Puddin's his name, his nickname, Puddin. And he had some great stories, there is no doubt. But I remember one time, full charge stayed with us too and uh he was making um pasta he was making some sauce for himself full charges in the kitchen this is the best and then putting balls in and just goes over and goes you know what makes the secret ingredient is sugar and matt's like nah i'm good man there's enough sugar and that shit already it's like ragu yeah no you know i don't need any more and just bully it his way let me hook you in his sauce and matt said he poured it like it was like somebody an unhealthy cup of coffee and he's he said he fucking rinsed it out and threw it away and never

all he wanted to do is eat something yeah that's the best part is i just want to eat i'm hungry i just want to have a bite let me ruin it for you also back in the day till you come home from like a an ontario show on a saturday night that started at 11 and you're getting home at two in the morning and all you want to do yeah is get something to fucking eat yeah just be satisfied decompress a little yep man dude i remember the vodka the vodka penne is the one i remember remember that yes we used to put vodka in it yeah and spike it a little bit where you could soak it and taste it yeah that shit was good dude he um well i i mean i base i basically was your guy's third roommate i mean i once once you were like yeah come over i was like i got a place y'all i'm just signing the lease

they invited me over i'm gonna stay there i mean you're i had dude i think it's so funny because i used to always come over to your place i would text you and i would call you and then i also have your work number saved in my phone it's still in there yeah because i don't even know what number that is it was before you would save everybody's contact info as uh under one thing oh yeah yeah so that's what so i have like like when i put in sickler oh yeah sickler home sickler sickle work right yeah so because this is probably i'm sure that's the old work number. I don't even know what number. Yeah, it's definitely one of them. That's what I need to get in touch with. In a hurry. Yeah.

In a hurry. But then we would write, you know, sketches, like Cutman. Yeah, that's where all that came from. All that shit, man. There was something I feel like you just told me recently about someone that was just, like, you don't remember that? And I was like, that guy, he said something so, like there's people that don't realize they say the most offensive shit.

You just said this to me recently. What the fuck was it? We were like hanging out with a group of guys. It was, man, this was like years ago. I feel like it would have been like gym and we were at some type of like social setting you know like a barbecue like someone's house party or something and i remember that it was daytime and there's a group of people and like somebody had mentioned like a woman had come up and had walked away and it was like that natural thing where somebody first did like the eyes and

then someone was like jesus man and you know like like you said like i wouldn't mind whatever spending the night with her something fine to say and then somebody else like kind of tagged it with like no shit you know blah blah and there was a guy there i don't know i thought it was like somebody you remember i remember this is what you asked me about yeah and then he was like that guy was like i wouldn't mind fucking her until she shits in the bed or something he was like took it away rip her in half Fuck her until she bleeds to death. And we were like, what are you talking about, man? I'm talking about sex. Sex.

She's hot. Just regular sex. Really? And everybody walked away. Everybody was like, no. What was your first, when it comes to like girls what was your first crush who was your first like not sex or anything who's the first girl you liked and then just got destroyed by man i mean there's like levels of that with ages you know i remember andrea sparrow fourth grade

tweet tweet tweet tweet andrearea and she was so good wait hold on hold on right now you fucking kid what was kenny's last name that's how i stay connected i'll bet that's how you got the name for sure that's how I stay connected to her. I bet that's how you got the name. For sure, that's how I got the name. Kenny fucking Sparrow was his name. What a pussy-ass boxer name. Hey, Sparrow! Little tiny-ass guy. You don't even notice him.

Sparrow. That's a horrible fight moniker, too. The spare tire is here. The guy that'll do. When you don't have what works, this'll do. Kenny'll do. Andrea Sparrow. Yeah. So I remember this.

That was the era. So this is... I mean, I'm a lot younger than you, but like in the... When I was a kid, so in the early 2000s let's say so I had a big crush on Andrea and we had moved to Minneapolis

and I'm in school with her Catholic school and that's when you would pull out the phone book and there was no no one knew about. And there was no, like, no one knew about caller ID. There was no caller ID, but I remember we prank called her, right? Because that's what you, like, fourth grade or something, that's what you do, fifth grade.

So this is a girl you like, and you found her number, and you call her. And, like, I'm sitting around with friends, and we just call her, and we're like, hi, and then, you know, you don't even know what to do. Nothing in mind. It's like, hello, and you're like, make a voice or something do it nothing in mind it's like they hello and you're like make a voice or something just how are you she's like hello and you know you got her on the phone or there's no end game like it's just like it's your way of reaching out so we'd prank this girl we called her house i don't know probably a couple times on a friday or saturday saturday i'm sure and then i remember at school the next week you know i'm not thinking anything of it and i just walked into class with her and she was like

oh hey hi and i'm like hi and she goes uh oh if you're gonna call um like if you're gonna call why why hang up why don't you just say something? This is like a fucking fifth grader. Nice. And I was like, and I turned white. Like, how the fuck do you, how does she know I called? And she actually said, like, we called the phone company. Found out. Is that real?

That's aggressive. By the way, I also felt like i've been convicted of murder yeah right i mean it was mortifying so i remember that one um i'm trying to think of i remember having like different types of like crushes on my older sister's friends would come over you know when you're like 10 and a girl's 12 or you're 12 and they're 14 you're like i never had that's why i always wish i had oh my god i probably would have had i would have had 19 i thought these girls were i thought they were supermodels yeah you know yeah because your hormones are raging yeah and these girls and they're like two she's two years older so our

friends are two years older than me and they would do shit like oh my my god, he's so cute. They would come up to me and almost little boy me. I was like, just play with it. Roll with what they give me. I'm trying to think of the next big crush I had. Definitely, I went out with a girl in eighth grade. This is my first girlfriend. And I'm so such a, I don't know.

It's so juvenile. I feel like there was some exchange of like, will you be my girlfriend? Yeah. And she was like, I will. I'll do that. Yeah.

And we went to the movies and I think maybe one other, one other weekend we did something else, and we hung out at each other's place a couple times. This is eighth grade, and nothing has happened yet. We've held hands. We haven't even kissed yet, but she's my girlfriend. We're eighth graders. Two weeks later, her friend calls me and reads a letter to break up with me over the phone you're gonna want to sit down but she didn't do it she gave her

her friend her friend was like i would call you to tell you that and you sat and i sat and listened to it she's like i think we're growing apart i was like what the fuck we're in eighth grade yeah and i also like nothing's happened yet like we're not we haven't even actually we're not boyfriend girlfriend but that i was devastated by that so i was like oh man i didn't even like nothing started you didn't even get anything this is my girlfriend this hasn't been anything are you single which i'll tell you an embarrassing story just reminded me of it's a good story that has an embarrassing moment but um so my very first kiss was and i mean my first

kiss no tongue or anything my first kiss with a girl was i was in sixth grade she was in seventh grade we my parents just split We moved to this new apartment. It was a hallway with rooms off of it. That's all this place was. And there was a black girl who lived next door. We played with her brother, and she was a year older. And I still remember how she smelled. She was so fucking pretty.

She smelled so good. And she kissed me. My first kiss was a black girl, seventh grade. I was sixth grade. But then when I, 7th grade. I was 6th grade. But then when I got in 7th grade, I had a girlfriend. And her name was Andrea. And we still, you know, she married with kids, but we still messaged back and forth. And this girl, we were watching a Police Academy movie.

Because that's all you did back then. When you had a girlfriend, you just met at the movies. I'm going to go there. And she leans over and she puts her fucking tongue in my mouth and let me tell you something dude that that seventh grade girl woke a monster it it i loved it i was i i was like it was all these emotions of what's fucking happening this is fucking awesome i fucking love this and when when she was done, I went, do it again, do it again, do it again. And there were three girls in our class that I didn't know were sitting right behind us.

And all the rest of the movie and all the way out and all after that for a little while. Do it again, do it again, do it again. But you know what? I didn't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck. What age were you? Seventh grade. Wow.

And she made the move. I don't get what age were you seventh grade wow and she made the move I didn't even know listen I'm I set up the kiss first because I thought that's how I didn't even know you put a tongue in somebody's fucking mouth yeah you know what I mean like that girl that's advanced I feel like and to be in seventh grade and have a girl just lean over and you're just yeah just shove a tongue you're like what oh man yeah fucking, I'm telling you, that was like putting a key in the fucking goddamn ignition and turning that shit on for me.

And I was like, I am about this the rest of the way. Dude, I couldn't get over that. Do it again. Do it again. I was so excited, dude. Jesus. And she did. She did it again.

How old were you when you had sex the first time i was 15 that's pretty young it was you i was it was like a month before my 16th birthday it was valentine's weekend and i was with um with this um girl i was seeing at the time she was a cheerleader she was a year older we both were virgins and we were in the back of her dad's chevy trailblazer and it was terrible it lasted minutes and you know it was awful for but you know what yeah it wasn't awful in the sense that we weren't we just no one knew what the fuck they were doing these are certainly not ideal and we were at a soccer field where we played rec soccer and on like a at 10 o'clock

at night you know what i mean like it was just it was bad and then apparently i left the condom piece of the condom wrapper in the car and her mom started asking questions and i was like just tell her we were out riding with some friends and we were fucking around with condoms did i tell you that story last about um getting ratted out like prom night i don't think so man so i was uh i gotta write shit down no on this show because if something will occur to me and then i'll be like did i talk about that yet um hold on there's that one and then so my senior year i think it was my senior year junior or whatever i go to prom and uh you know by that time just i guess it depends on what clique of kids you're in but i was with like party kids so we're out drinking and doing whatever, smoking weed, doing shit.

Then there's good kids that don't go to those. Did you smoke weed before you had sex? Yes. I was smoking weed at 14. I think that's early. It's average for what I know.

That's the thing I forgot to tell you. About being young, i remember i was working miami and i was staying at this place down there and i met one of the guys from the club we did morning radio and afterwards we went to news cafe right there on ocean i think it's collins or ocean and we're sitting there just talking about life and sex comes up and he was telling me about like his he's married now and i was like well somehow we end up on well when did you first have sex he was like like fourth fifth grade i was like fifth grade you're 10 fourth he goes he goes this is miami i was like what he goes in miami like that's normal i go to have sex in fifth grade he goes definitely he's

like if you're at least blowing people and i go when you're 10 he goes it's totally normal here and i'm like bro this isn't like another country i've ever been to yeah he's like in miami he's like we were all having oral sex at least by uh fourth and fifth grade and and he's like if you went to sixth grade you hadn't had sex you were ostracized like people wouldn't talk to you they're not even talking yeah he's like that's how hypersexual miami yeah he's that's in the water here man i will say this the guys that i've met from here tell me that the shit they were doing out here in seventh and eighth grade was i mean advanced threesomes and oh that's oh my god i mean they're talking about these girls that are you know doing this and that what i'm like i mean i didn't get a i

don't think i got a hand oh over a sweater on a titty intentionally yeah till ninth grade maybe eighth ninth grade tenth grade i mean what he told me he went and like he was telling all kind of he didn't seem like he was making it up and i was like dude he's like you didn't i was like of course not i was in this fucking wholesome household where and think about having sex in fucking fifth grade no not that's your 10 yeah he was like nah yeah we'd already hooked up then because that was the thing he was telling me how his sex life was completely non-existent now because he was too early well he was like too early he's like uh he's like last time i had sex

was when i made my kid one of those people you know people who were like last time i had sex is to conceive a child um prom night I didn't tell you this one? So prom night, I went out, I took the girl out, and then the parents were like, have her home by midnight or one or something. Okay. We go to a party, and then we go to a hotel. And we're just hooking up there,

and I'm taking GHB. And we both blackout. This is before I OD, but it's like... This is on the road to OD. Yeah, this is a red flag moment where when we took some, all of a sudden we woke up, and time had gone, like three, four hours. You know, we're like, we both were like, oh, I don't know what happened.

So anyways, I end up dropping her off. And parents are upset. But the thing was, I ended up telling people. They were like, where were you? I didn't want to say I was at the hotel. So I told people, even friends. They're like, where were you guys? I was like, we went to the beach.

And we got laid up at the beach. We were at the beach. Kept telling them, everybody that. We were at, I named the beach, you know, South A1A. We were at that beach. The next week in school, the, like the principal called me to his office. And he's like, hey, I want to talk to you about something. And I go, yeah, what's up? And he goes, you you know you're a good kid but blah blah blah and he goes i know you were at the beach

and i go what and he goes don't play stupid prom night you went to there and then you went to the beach and i realized he was telling my fake story that i had told people yeah which means some of them had had told him like somebody from my circle of friends was ratting on me it was just one of those moments where i couldn't believe that that i was getting told on by a by a kid in my crew, basically. I never figured out who it was. No, I didn't know who it was. No. But it had to have been somebody from like pretty much that. Because that was the fake story.

That was the story I was telling people. Like we didn't want to say we're at a hotel. Yeah. It just felt like too, you know. My dad one time. So the same girl I lost my virginity to at this point. Now I am just like what you know we're getting better at it we want more and more and we're trying more and more and

um my dad you know is a single dad so there's no one else can come get me but i'm at her place and he's like i'm gonna get you at i want to say it was like 11 o'clock and I was like, all right. And he goes, listen to me, be outside. Not 1101, not 1102, 11 o'clock. I'm going to be there because he's going to take me home. Then he's going to drive all the way to DC and go work an overnight shift at Pan Am. Right. And I'm like, okay, I'll be ready. We're hot and heavy. Hormones are gone. I haven't gotten anywhere yet, but I've got my dicks hard. We are right there.

The whole time, I'm peeking at the clock. I can't get comfortable. It's 10.58. It's 10.59. I'm like, really? I've got to go. It's not yet, I'm like, I really, I gotta go. I gotta go. It's not yet. Not yet.

Not yet. And I fucking hear. Dude, my dad is in the station wagon in the driveway. He's laying on it. Fuck about her parents or anything. It is 1101. And that horn is black. Listen to me.

Tug boat blaring, like waking her parents. Now they're up. Listen to me. Tug boat blaring. Like waking her parents and shit. Like, ah! Like, ah! Now, they're up. I'm downstairs with their daughter. I'm trying to, you know, I've got my pants are undone. I'm trying to, oh, my God. She's trying to, I'm like, she's like, what is that?

I'm like, it's my dad. It's my dad. It's past 11. I am hustling. I got to go out their back bottom basement door. Her bedroom was in the basement. By the way, never let your daughter have her bedroom in the basement. I run out around the house. You know, I'm out go out there. Back bottom basement door. Her bedroom was in the basement. By the way, never let your daughter have a bedroom in the basement. I run out around the house.

I'm out in the yard. I'm like, Dad! And I'm all hunched over and shit. I got a fucking boner. I'm trying to get up. I'm doing this. And he's just fucking laying. He still didn't stop.

But I'm coming around. And I open the door. I go, what are you doing? He's like, I told you, 11 o'clock. And I was like, oh my god. How old were you? Like 14. i don't drive yet or anything and so he's pissed because he's got to go to work he's the only parent it's

not like my mom he's like will you just go get you know what i mean like there's nobody there so we're driving home and he just looks at me he goes you got blue balls i'm like god yes so bad so bad it hurts so bad all the way over it hurts so bad and then I had to call the next day and apologize to her parents like my dad their bedroom was like when the drive what did they say they were just like

what the fuck is going on I remember one time I was in New York and I hooked up with one of my sister's friends. I was hammered, like so drunk. And the next day, I remember my sister was like, did you hook up with my friend? And I was like, there's always that moment where you're like, you know, should I say it or not?

I was like, yeah. And I was wondering like how she's gonna react she's like how was she i was like what she asked yeah how was she that's an interesting question i know i was like i go yeah she was good but i was just fucking shit faced you know and she's like does she give good head i was like oh my god sister yeah i was like i didn't really think about that i don't know um so then we whatever then she was like a day goes by where she goes oh my god my friend is crazy about you i was like really and she was like yeah she's like can't stop talking about you. I was like, well, you know, I'm leaving. So I left.

And then she came out here to visit. And she was like, hey, do you want to go out? And I go, okay. And she's with a friend, a girl. And I was like, oh, her friend's cute. So she was trying to hook up with me, but I was trying to hook up with her friend. And she brought me to, I dropped her off at her hotel. And she was like, do you want to come up?

And I was like, nah, I'm good. She was like, I'm good. She was like, you don't want to come up? And I was like, no. And I kept like looking at her friend. She was like, okay. So do you want to like try it again tomorrow and i was like yeah sure so the next day she comes out again with her friend and i i'm trying to like talk to the friend and we we start

talking about uh literature i'm like god damn it I don't even know any of this shit. You know how many photo albums I've had? Old school photo albums I've had to sit and look at just to wait to get any kind of fucking attention. I'm like, yeah, I'll look at that fucking trip from the Caribbean. I'm like, how thick is this god damn? And then she's like, you haven't seen this one.

This is just going on the trip. I think she was it was the guy, what's the guy who wrote Catcher in the Rye? What's the author's name? I feel like it was the same author. Is that Steinbeck? Who was that?

I don't know. That's Grapes of Wrath. I don't know. Maybe it is. So I'm just drawing a blank on his name. So she's like, oh, have you read this other book? And I go,

no, I'm super interested though. She was like, oh, I have it. And I was like, great. Can I read it? She goes, no, she's like i i'm traveling with it but it's like my prized possession and i was like i'll send it back to

you i promise and she was like no i don't feel comfortable and then i insisted i was like get it she's like okay like i'm telling you that i don't want to give it to you but i just feel like i was like i thought it was gonna you know help things progress so she's like um do you want to like wait here because now the girl that i know is is like not in the lobby of the hotel just the the friend is right and i was like oh you're gonna want to come get it? And she was like, okay. I'm like, yes. I thought I was going to close the deal. So we go up to

her room and she gets the book. I can't believe she travels with the book. It's like her favorite book. It's like worn and there's marks on it and stains and shit it's like her teddy bear or something is this fucking book and i was like okay cool and i'm thinking that this

might be my my way in to hook up you know so i was like yeah i would uh i can't wait to read it and she was like she goes i would really be devastated if you didn't send it back. And I go, I'll definitely send it back. And I look at her and her eyes are welling up. Oh, my God. I wouldn't even be able to take it. I was like, you're so committed. You got to take it.

I know. And I have to take it. And also, I'm also realizing that she does not have feel it for me like it's taking me all this time she got the she's got the feeling for the book yeah like she and i and i'm thinking like by showing this interest you know i'm sure that's like what i'm thinking right like she'll like me and this you know what this can happen so she's just like i would be devastated if you if i didn't get this back and she hands it to me and i can see

tears in her eyes and i'm like i can't wait to read this and like and then she's like cool and she's like like shoves me out the door she's like boom shuts the door so now i'm like i don't get to hook up with her the girl i like and then i have this book and now i have i feel the weight of the responsibility i'm like i gotta fucking send this to her so the girl who i had hooked up with sees me and she goes do you want to come up and i go no i'm not interested because i'm now i'm just like reading it and she can't believe that i don't want to hook up like i can see it and she's just like what and i'm like yeah i'm just not i don't know and i'm bummed out i think i'm you know it's like you i took the loss and yeah for sure you know so i'd also gotten the girl's address like before i was like well let me get your address i'll say i'll ship it back to you i promise she's like all right so i go home i'm i obviously don't end up

with either of them um i read this fucking book over the next few days i read it it's a good book i wish i knew the name i feel like it has the word brooklyn in the title or something i don't know no that's where she lived maybe that's it so anyways i i read it i go to the post office fill out the whole thing put extra stamps on it ship it and i think i added I put a little note in there too saying thank you. Then a week later it comes back. Wrong address. No. I just kept the book.

You got to find that girl on Facebook and send her to copy that book. It's mine now. She gave me the wrong address, man. Dude, one time, my friend and I, Jeff Wagner at the time, we were just such horny teenagers. And I was dating a girl who lived maybe two miles from our place.

And he was dating her best friend. And we're in probably 10th grade. We don't drive yet. And they're having her best friend. And we're in probably 10th grade. We don't drive yet. And they're having a sleepover. So they're like, why don't you two come over? Sneak in. My mom will be asleep or whatever. We're like, okay.

It's like February. It's the middle of winter. We walk two miles. We cut through this cornfield. I mean, two fucking miles. It takes us almost 45 minutes to get there we we get in we sneak in we're you know she's on this couch over here with him and i'm on this one over here with her we're making out and um they got the tv on because they're in the living room

having to sleep over and the fucking bedroom door opens up and her she's like it's my mom it's my mom and they fucking slide us down on the couch and they lay on us and cover up and her mom comes out in that fucking living room and we are both on these couches dead silent her mom's talking for like five minutes and we're just terrified

terrified and then her mom leaves and we're like holy fuck we got away we got the fuck got away but we got the fuck out of there yeah we got away with that i was so scared like oh god i remember one time i was messing around with a girl after school in my bedroom this is my junior year of high school so like school's out come to my house we're screwing around in my room and there was a the door chime you know you could set the alarm yeah it was off so i turned it on so that i would have a heads up and i i you know i turned it on my mom comes home

the chime goes off i pop off off the girl throw on like a like sweatshorts and a t-shirt and i'm like hey what's up and she was like She's like, I didn't have the right away. She's like, the chimes on? I was like, yeah. She's like, why? I was like, just safety. Safety? Safety?

And then she goes, she looks, she goes, you have stains on your shorts. I was leaking that pre-com. That pre-com. I go, what? She goes,

there's only one way to get stains like that on your shorts. I was like, yeah, pee. I just peed. This is dribble. Jesus. I was totally lying. She just gave me like the like the death look yeah i walked away and i was like god and then yeah just fucking intense blue balls again it's the worst oh this is an old crappy story i don't know if i've ever told you this one but I, um, when I was, uh, so at the time I'm 17,

it's February, 1991. I have no parents at this point. And a girl I've been seeing briefly, um, in high school has now moved to Indianapolis and I have no one to tell me no, or that I can't go or anything. So I decide I'm going to ride a greyhound by myself

from maryland to indianapolis how's that to fucking well to see this girl i did this too by the way i'll tell you after all right good because this is the shit you'll do for you know hormones and testosterone make you do so i get on this greyhound in frederick maryland i have a buddy drive me out there drop me off get on the greyhound and then we're going you know it's supposed to be i don't know i think it was supposed to be like an 11 hour 12 hour ride on a greyhound one way right and um we get on and we hit our first stops wheeling west virginia and people are throwing shit at the bus and everything like what the fuck is going on and the guy's like we're on strike and i'm like what is the scabs driving us right now this motherfucker crawls the picket line they are

throwing like lettuce and cabbage and like old school they're throwing shit at the fucking we're like what the fuck are you talking about so now now he's scared. We're delayed there. It's supposed, again, supposed to be, I think, like a 12-hour ride or something. The next stop is going to be Pittsburgh. We get into Pittsburgh. They are not having the Greyhound strike in Pittsburgh. This dude is still driving us, you know. So it takes like 18 or 19 hours ultimately to get there, all these fuck-ups.

So I get there. Her mom really liked me. The moms always liked me because I think the moms felt sorry for me. And the dads were just looking at me like this is a walking erection. So now I'm in Indiana. Again, it's February. I'm 17. I turn 18 in March.

It's fucking freezing even more there. It's cold as shit. And her dad is going to work and coming home. And he's home now. And it's late. And she and I are on the couch and we're making out. But we're fully clothed. But, I mean, we're having sex in our clothes.

You know what I mean? And we don't realize that the TV has gone to static. Remember back in the day when TVs would go to static in the morning? Sure. We don't even pay any mind to it. And I'm on top of this girl, and I've got my head down in here in her neck and kissing and talking to her and shit. And then all of a sudden I hear hear get your ass in your room and i'm like and i know it's her dad and i know he is

standing right the fuck here and i don't know what to do i have no idea what to do i'm i'm stuck i'm in indiana i can't get up and go home i'm 17 i you know what I mean? I can't be like, I'm just going to show myself out and go home. I'm stuck in their house for one more day and night. And she, of course, is their dad. She just, I mean, she's lit out under me. Gave me fucking nose burn. You know what I mean? And I don't know what to do, dude.

And I fucking roll over and i just go and i play i lay there like i'm sleeping i mean he just watched me humping dry he stands there i can hear him breathing and he doesn't say anything but i don't fuck i'm like i'm winning this one and i mean you know when you fake sleep and your eyes move my eyes didn't fucking move i was dead i had I had my mouth open, and that was it. I was like. Wait, I don't understand, though. So he saw you, and then you just rolled over and played dead?

It was like humping, humping, humping, rolled over. She stood out in front of me, and he stood there. And literally, I just rolled over and went and played sleep. I didn't know what to do. I was so scared. I was like, is he going to beat a sleeping child? I'm 17. I don't know what to do i was so scared i was like is he gonna beat a sleeping child you know i'm 17 i don't know what but i could hear him standing right here and i was like i'm not but then he walked away for a while he stood there and then he fucking walked away and

then i was like oh my god oh my god and what happened i didn't realize was he had come down the hallway it was one of those houses where you could make a right into the kitchen and then it kept going through the dining room and circled into the living room so he had come out to get a drink and saw and circled around like what the fuck and boom so in the morning he's got to go to work and i got to see him and i i mean i i don't i literally don't feel good. I physically do not feel, I feel ill. And I tell her mom. He's obviously gone back there and told the mom.

He went back and yelled at his daughter. And he's got to go to work. So I tell the mom, the mom's like, would you like some breakfast? And I'm like, I don't really feel good. And she's like, why don't you go lay down in my son's room? And he's gone. I was like was like okay so i go in there i'm thinking you know i'm in here doors shut because i'm sleeping on their couch yeah you know like i'm exposed to everything but in here i'm safe he'll leave for work and then that'll be the end of it i have to deal with him one more

night when he comes home and this motherfucker throws the door and goes my wife said you're not feeling good and i was just like yeah he goes just shuts the door that's it that's it and i was like fuck this guy's gonna kill me tonight when he comes home he's gonna fight he's gonna be stewing about this all day all day and come home and kill me and that motherfucker got snowed in at work that night there was a massive he had to stay at like like the construction he must have been so angry he was pissed but i was like fuck yeah because the morning i was up and out on that greyhound i was gone he wasn't gonna see me at all dude i lucked out got on that fucking went to indianapolis met chuck d on a greyhound bus going to ohio swear to god nobody i got his autograph and everything he was on the bus he was sitting on the floor of the indianapolis greyhound station when he was the lead of fucking public enemy and i'm looking at

him and i'm looking at him and i'm looking at him and no one's talking to him and i'm looking at them like do you not recognize if they don't i don't want to be the racist kid that walks over and goes you look like hey you call me brian like my name is carl so so the girl's mom goes is that theo huxtable and she oh my god dude i was like you're exactly who i don't want to be in this situation right now please do not go over there and call that that's not even a real fucking person that's a character on a goddamn show okay that is not there's no one named theo fucking hucks well yeah you're a dog yeah you're a dog but um so i walk over and i'm like dude are you chuck d he's like i am i go what the fuck are you doing in a gray house station she's like i'm just going in i go i'm going ohio and i go they're on

strike dude you know they're on strike dude you know they're on strike signs an autograph for me sits talks to me for a little bit and he says please don't tell other people he doesn't want people coming up to him and shit i'm like i won't tell anybody and then we got on that bus i'm like that's chuck d in the back there you go and they all he was on the bus he was on the fucking bus dude no one believes me i'm telling you i have two witnesses who will quab i believe you. I definitely believe you. I just don't understand why he was. I met Chuck D once.

At your level right now, would you get on a fucking Greyhound just to go anywhere? Anywhere. I wouldn't get on a Greyhound to go to Hollywood from here. Dude, I haven't done it. It's one of the worst experiences of my life. I was a freshman in college. This is like you're saying what you do for your hormones the girl i'm seeing she's i'm she's good she's in charleston and i'm a freshman

who doesn't know to i look up how far hickory north carolina is to to charleston and it's like five and a half hours i was like that's not bad. I buy my bus ticket for like a hundred bucks or whatever it is. I get on that bus and I don't realize because I'm too naive that there are multiple stops along the way. It takes 11 and a half hours. Double. Dude, we go at one point we go to fucking it's from you know north carolina we go to a military base so we go off the route and we drive fucking 40 miles this way to pick up one guy at the military base then you go all the way back stop it all i was like

i had no idea someone vomits on the bus oh that's what i was gonna say yeah people shit on it and you're stuck on it smelling it and then you just see like it was like the it was so bad that i remember when i got there i was trying to think if there's an alternative way to get back and there wasn't but all i did for the less than 48 hours that i was going to see, because I had to get back, was just think about the misery of having to ride back. It was like the worst. Because the whole time I was there,

I was like, I can't believe I had to get on this fucking bus again. It was depressing. It was such a bad. No, like that experience was my first and last distance bus ride. It was horrible. Ever. It's the worst way to go. So there's an addition to my story too so i head back on this greyhound i'm so excited i'm excited to get on this greyhound

because i'd rather do that than face her dad oh yeah and i remember the whole way out too was this redneck named verne it's that i'll never forget this guy had the biggest buck teeth and there was some kind of some shit went down the back of the bus people fighting or whatever you know and uh you know i said they're throwing shit at the bus and stuff this dude had packed the lunch and he just looked at me i'll never this line sticks with me still he just looks at me goes i'm gonna eat my sandwich and he just sat there next to me eating his fucking sandwich i get back to maryland and her dad calls and this dude is checking on me and i'm telling you he couldn't have been nicer and i was like it just must have been look this guy's the fuck out of here i never need to see

him again you know it never nothing ever really happened anyway he called i called her and he got on the phone i was like and he was so fucking nice he's like how you feeling feeling better so years later i um go to a party they have i'm i'm visiting i'm in town i go to a big party they have and her brother comes over and her dad and i are talking and i'm saying this is i mean god years and years later 12 15 years later and um her brother comes over and goes remember that time my dad caught you dry humping my sister in the living room her dad's talking to me and i go what the fuck are you doing and her dad looks at me goes been meaning to talk to you about that and i was like oh fuck and i just fucking got the fuck out of there i left i left i got the fuck out of there i was like nah we're good we ain't talking about that

yeah i'll never do greyhound again no that was that was the worst oh dude well look i know we got to get you out of here i appreciate you coming yeah man congratulations yeah and i got no the place looks great i Go ahead. No, the place looks great. I'm happy for you. It's going to be, you know, we're going to be promoting you like we have, but promoting the new channel. And, I mean, this is exactly what you needed to do, I think. I think it's going to make your show grow. And, you know, I'm happy for you.

I think it's going to be awesome, man. Well, I love you, dude. Love you, too. And thank you. Because what I didn't say earlier too is you have done so much i mean dude you paid your producers to come help me equipment i mean you're the shit i can't thank you enough so love you man i uh i really appreciate you remembering all those poor days back in the day and pull me up like i'm so happy for you i love you do you want to promote

anything um trying to get those antibodies. I saw a place testing for it the other day. Yeah, I want those, man. You want them? Can they put them in you? I think that's what they're trying to figure out. Like Lance Armstrong type shit, spin it and put it in you? Get that EPO, man.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know, man. I'm doing, obviously, the multiple podcasts. I'm dying to go back on the road, know um i don't know man just you know i'm doing obviously the the multiple podcasts and um excited i mean i'm dying to go back on the road but that's not going to happen for a minute and then um no i think that's it man that's it working on a couple things well thank you for everything for real yeah of course and christina yes of course and everybody at ymh josh potter too i forgot to mention him last time and i texted him i want to make sure I mentioned the cockroach for sure. You got to have him in here.

Oh, for sure. I already told him you're definitely coming on. Yeah. Ryan Sickler on all social media, ryansickler.com. We'll talk to you you next time.