The Horror Returns - THR - Ep. #291: Santa Jaws (2018) Commentary

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

The Christmas magic continues, as we watch Santa Jaws, and invite you to share the holiday spirit with us! Sean Henry is back this week. Cool of the Week includes Mother Android, Spider Man No Way Home, Grand Theft Auto Remastered, and Dexter: New Blood. The Podcast spotlight shines on The Horror You Know. We get listener feedback from Per-Ingvar Tomren, Ben David Llewellyn, Patrick Lear, Adam Bunch, Steve Merlo, and The Evolution of Horror. AND WE GET AN EMAIL FROM TIM DAVIS OF HORROR FOR DUMMIES! Don't forget to send us an email to [e-mail] for a chance to win a THR T-shirt! Thanks for listening!  

victims. For those of you delight and dread, who fantasize about fear, who glorify gore, welcome. You have found the place where the horror returns. Listeners beware. This podcast contains major plot spoilers in the foulest of language. join us in celebrating the old and the new, the best, and the worst in horror. All right, welcome back one and all to The Horror Returns. I'm Lance, and with me as always are my co-host, Brian and Phillip. And tonight, third week in a row, I think we have our buddy Sean Henry. Is that right, Sean?

Yes, sir, three weeks in a row, and I really appreciate you guys. allow me to come on again. It's been a blast. Welcome to the team. Thank you. Right place, right time, dude. So. Thank you.

All right. Well, I guess we'll jump in, man. So I know somebody's got some cool of the weeks. Technically, you're still a guest, Sean. So you want to go first? Or Brian, you want to go first? Let Brian go first. Yeah, I'll go.

I only have two, which I watched both of them last. night. First one is a new Hulu exclusive movie and it's called Mother Android. Looks cool. I saw a poster for it today. Yeah, it was pretty good. I thought it has a Chloe Grace Moretz. That's what I'm saying her name right. Oh, I like her. Hit girl. Yeah. Right. Yeah, she she was pretty good, especially near the end where she she had to make a choice of what to do with their child because it's it's kind of said not too far in the future and everybody basically has like androids like human realistic looking androids that you know do work for them and then of course the there's an uprising with the androids which they

they never really would be without it yeah they never really explain it because they're all all androids are programmed not to kill and then just one day like all over the country like they just like start murdering people they catch your virus huh yeah something I kind of actually like that there wasn't an explanation why you just kind of go with it

because I mean we've seen so many movies where Android's like turn on on their creators and stuff like that so you know why really go into a whole backstory why like Pinocchio yeah So they're just

Basically there's They got to make it to Like I think Boston or something Because all these ships are going out to these To different Asian countries Because they're letting people in They got to They got to make it in time

Or basically you'll miss the boat I don't think Boston's the quickest route From America to Asia Well all the All the cities have been taken down Wait the end The androids or the people? The people.

Oh. The androids are basically, basically there's only like a few, only a few cities left in America that are still out. Everything's been destroyed. Oh, shit. So it's pretty cool. I thought, like I said,

I thought she did pretty good. Oh, check it out. Yeah, definitely. My second one is pretty much the same thing. Create artificial intelligence and it'll bite you an ass. in the end this one's called Monsters of Man and

yeah shady CIA people working with a robotics company trying to make military weapons and uh yeah that's how it goes yep they drop them somewhere where they're not supposed to be and one of them kind of has a malfunction

starts thinking of it for itself wow man you've got a theme going yeah the only problem with the monsters of man I thought it was long because it's over two hours and they probably could have took a good

I think it's about 2 and 2.15. I think they probably could have took half an hour off. Dragged a little bit, huh? Yeah, a little bit of a lower budget, but I thought the effects were pretty good for what it was and the robots look pretty cool. It was basically like chappy, but no humor.

They just straight killing machines. Did they have any rock'em-sockham robots? Not this time. Okay. That'll probably be... I'm surprised they haven't made a movie like that. Did Hugh Jackman show up with his son? No?

Sorry. Was that his son in the movie? I don't know. I thought he was some random guy. Just some kid. Hugh Jackman, the child molester. Oh, no. No.

No. I fell up. God damn it, dude. That was never coming on the show. We just managed to piss off the last fucking media out there. No, I think Androids are not so much going to be our problem because I think that we're going to be

the Androids. I think that instead of, you know, AI taking over humans, humans are going to integrate with AI. and then it may still become some kind of horror movie problem but I could see that but yeah people are probably still going to be the problem

because in monsters a man in monsters of man the the the one the Android that malfunctions the CIA agent is like we need to

we need to get his whatever stuff upload his memory or something because he's gonna he's going to advance our work for the next 10 years or something instead of just like saying this is a bad idea just looking at it as a good idea i'll get there eventually yeah and hawkeye was awesome again nice yes yes that was a great episode every episode yeah and there was a certain character that

came back from a movie earlier this year and i fucking love her love her character even more now. She was a boss in that episode. Yes, she was. They were a boss in that episode. Excuse me. I figured that's who that was. I think I'm like an episode behind.

Yeah. But I'm almost caught up. And, yeah, Hawkeyes, I'm kind of digging it. You know? It's got a little cheese to it, but it's a lot of fun. And I love the Hawkeye character. And I like what they're doing. It looks good.

A big reveal at the end of the episode, too. Yeah. I'm going to sneak that in as one of my 31 days of Christmas with AJ. She already told me I'm allowed to. Yeah. You wait until Wednesday and for the final episode, just watch it all together, like one big alarm Christmas movie. Sounds good. That's what we're going to do.

All right. That's all I got. So what was the best of them? Well, I've been I've had Hawkeye a couple times So I'll go with Mother Android Mother Android All right

Not the best title, but a great movie, huh? Yeah, let's Stop making Androids that are smarter than us Purposely making them smarter than us I don't think that's hard to do though Oh I

Got you we're just going to stick one into Elon Musk and let him take over. Oh, no, he may already have a chip. I think he's already a robot. Do you see him on Saturday Night Live? Yeah. That wasn't him. He was somewhere in a lab working and he sent his Android double-end.

I think you're right. I've told everybody he's going to be the end of us because he's already trying to build and he's teaching monkeys how to play chess and stuff like that. We're going to have terminating. and Planet of the Apes at the same time. Well, if it's not him, it'd be somebody else, and I'd rather it be him than Bezos. Oh, no, Battle of the Big Dick-shaped.

Oh, that guy's not even going to be here. It's going to be in his spaceship somewhere. And his penis rocket. Shatner. To infinity and beyond. All right, well, I'll build off a Hawkeye because that was one of my coolest of the week. I've finally almost caught up.

I think I'm an episode short. But it's a fun, a fun show. I like it. I keep forgetting about it, but I like being able to watch multiple episodes at once, so that helps. It's a little cheesy at times, she said? Yeah, I mean a little, you know. I think that's on purpose, though.

Yeah, I mean, this whole, like, I'm not going to kill you because of my morals and you're a bad guy thing, just leads right into my next cool of the week, which is Spider-Man. No, no spoilers. No spoilers. I've seen plenty of spoilers, though.

I haven't seen the movie yet. No, I ran into a family issue Sunday. I remember we had messaged each other, and I said I was going to go Sunday, but I had a family thing come up, so. Well, okay, I, because I don't know, Philip, you can't, you can't, yeah, go ahead, go ahead. I'm not going to spoil it, but I really enjoyed it. It's, it doesn't have the most substance, but man, is it a lot of fun.

And I watched the second Venom movie again, like a day later. and uh... Spider-Man is way the fuck better than that. Okay, question. Is it worth all the hype? Because I think it's the second highest rated MCU movie? Uh, no. It's got a lot of fan service in it.

It's got a lot of cool things that happen. But I'm... The story is kind of lacking. It's one of those... Man, why didn't you just do this fucking thing in the first place? And then this movie never would have had to happen, you know? Because then it wouldn't have been a movie, Philip. Come on, dude.

Haven't you learned this yet? Like a Threat's Company episode. Oh, we had a misunderstanding. Let's draw that out for an hour. It had a fucking monster opening weekend. Yeah, it went gangbusters. $260 million opening weekend. It's the first one I've been really excited to take my kids to.

recently. And they enjoyed it a lot. Yeah. Oh, they do? Cool. Yeah. They enjoyed it. I enjoyed it.

The wife enjoyed it. Who, you know, usually has a frown on her face. So that works. That's all I got this week. All right. So we'll call your cool of the week the Spidey or the Hawk guy. Oh, Spider-Man. Yeah.

Gotcha. Yeah. I mean, it's not one of the best Marvel movies, but it was important, I think. Yeah. Is it the best MCU Spider-Man? No. That's hard. Yeah.

That is a hard question, but I'm going to say no, not as a movie on its own. Okay. But with the implications from the rest of the shit, it moves the story along. Gotcha. Sean are you are you in lockstep I have not I have not seen Spider-Man yet

oh we gotta be careful yeah but no that's cool I'm not like me and Sean are the only two people yeah oh it's you too huh yeah

you know very similar to Brian I had a whole bunch of stuff with family that I had to do this weekend so I was just going balls to the wall all weekend so no I haven't had a chance but I'm going to go probably, I think Christmas

Day go watch it or go watch Sing 2. I don't know. I haven't decided yet. That's quite a choice. I know. Well, it depends on like what my kids are feeling which one they're really wanting to see.

Yeah, my family wants to see Sing also. I thought the first one was cute. So, I mean, I'm not opposed. to that. We're definitely going to see it. Yeah. Is it just my imagination, guys, or is there literally a movie out right now with Michael B. Jordan

called The Jordan Journal's? Oh, yeah. I think Denzel directed it, I think. That's what I was going to say, too. There's a lot of movies competing for our dollar right now, guys. Oh, God. Yeah. Has Denzel directed anything else?

I want to say Yeah, but I'm not sure. I know he's getting into producing. Like he's bought a lot of... Lance, what was that movie? Was they in fences? Yeah, that's right. I think he bought the rights and produced that one.

So I think he's starting to get into more, as he's getting older, more like behind the scenes stuff. Well, we'll see how he does. I mean, Affleck had wagged the dog. That was pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. Affleck's done a lot of a lot of shit, right?

Yeah, he's got, he directed some pretty decent movies, surprising. The town? Yeah, the town was awesome. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he was in that. Yeah, yeah, he was. He seems like a Boston guy.

Yeah, he does. Kapakar. Maybe DeTzel's got it any, man. Didn't me to interrupt. Sorry. No, no worse. My first call of the week is my wife, let me have one of my Christmas presents early.

She got Grand Theft Auto, the remastered edition, or Defendative Edition. Yeah, with GTA 3 and San Andreas and Vice City. Nice. Okay, so there's a lot of hate out there about this edition a lot. If you look it up, people are just shitting all over it. And to be fair, they rockstar kind of shit the bad on updating it. I love the nostalgia of playing these three games.

I play them when they came out and being able to play them again is what is most worth, you know, the present being making it awesome. But the graphics, like the shapes of people, they're like elbows, they're like proportions. it's all kinds of just fucked up. All messed up, huh? Yeah, just all jacked up. So with that being said, it's been a lot of fun, especially Vice City.

I love that game so much. So that was... Great game. Yeah, amazing game. And, you know, my second cool of the week is a word that I get Thursday, Friday off, and Monday from work. Damn. Yeah. Well, yeah.

Must be nice. I know. I don't know how the fuck I lucked in. Well, you'll have Grand Theft Auto Complete by then, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, man. So, sounds like, oh, shit, I haven't gone yet, have I? No. No. All right.

I've got a cool of the week. but gentlemen let me begin with my very strong and diligent not so cool of the week yes this is a little movie brian that I like to call spider mess no way to make a marvel movie this fucking piece of shit this is one of the worst fucking marvel movies I've ever seen this may be on the bottom 10 this thing I don't know how this piece of shit has a fucking rotten tomatoes score of 94 or whatever. I must just be missing something. That's all I can tell you. I kind of feel like you are, Lance.

You like, you like pop. You hate popular things. I don't know what. I can't get into any spoilers. I wish to hell I could because what Philip was kind of insinuating makes a lot of sense. Hold on. I'm going to put it on hold. I'll be right back, guys. He's going to go kill the dog. Allegedly, allegedly. Allegedly. I kind of feel like when I watch Spider-Man,

I'm going to think differently. I feel like you probably are, too. I have a hard time believing that he liked the second Venom and hated this one. I don't know how I liked the second time that I watched. Yeah. Say it again? I don't know how he liked the second Venom.

Yeah. No idea. I'm going to edit all that out. Sorry. Okay, everybody Stop talking about Lance. Yeah, there you do. I'll keep that in, man.

Where was I? You, uh, Spider-Man's the biggest hatred of Spider-Man. Okay. God damn it. I wish we could do spoilers, but you guys haven't seen it, and I'm not going to do it to you,

but what Philip was insinuating? Mm-hmm. I know where you're going with that, Philip. I understand exactly what you're saying when you're talking around the topic of what happened where if it hadn't it would have been a movie or whatever and I was kind of defending it

but this movie manages to make two of the greatest Marvel heroes Dr. Strange one of the most powerful the fucking master of the mystic arts and Spider-Man who almost single-handedly

saved the day in civil war looked like two absolute fucking buffoons I mean, this movie makes them both look like absolute morons. I'm going to have to stop your rant there. When did Spider-Man saved a day in Civil War? He showed up, man, and he had a fight. Oh, okay.

Okay. And then he was told to sit it out after he got his ass kicked. Well, you know what? He should have set this movie out. Oh, man. This is no way to do it. You know what? this movie took everything that was great

into the multiverse and just made a cheap fucking plastic imitation of it and just found a way to shoehorn in and Ness has a point with what he posted on Facebook they should have gotten this guy the real Spider-Man in you know the Spider-Man from the 70s they should have gotten

the cartoon in at one point at one point I swear Dr. Strange said Spider-Ham and we were about to get Spider-Ham, but I think he just mispronounced. That's why you're mad. I'm very mad about that, man.

Yeah, you're like incensed. I went into this movie, just wanted to love it. There was one person that showed up. I'm glad that person showed up toward the beginning of this movie. Philip, you know what part I'm talking about? I'm sure he'll be back.

And it got a cheer out of the audience. Nothing else got a cheer. This was just, this was a, oh, man, I think this was a horrible way. well, maybe they were all cheering and I wasn't. I was so fucking pissed off. This was a horrible way to bring the different characters together,

which I'm not, I hope I'm not spoiling anything. You were so mad that your hatred drowned out the cheers of everybody else. I think so, man. Cheers in my theater. I think so, dude, it was just burning all around my chair, dude,

and it's just, uh, Spider-Man, Spider-Man, we're for art thou Spider-D Spider-Man. Oh, and Jake. let's not even talk about how moronic they made

Jay Jonah Jameson look like I mean it's like he was doing fucking info wars or something for Christ's sake this was terrible I mean you can't have him you can't have him do a fucking newspaper you know what I've read the newspaper I've talked by myself into it this is a bottom 10

Chi is going to be a top 10 or at least an honorable mention Eternals is I've already forgotten and everything about it, even though it was a seven-hour-long movie. This is a fucking bottom 10. Absolute garbage. You said the same thing about escape room, and it's hard. I don't know if I want to call this Spider-Mess or Spider-Mah.

All right. I didn't need it. Oh, I do have a cool of the week, though. You know what? Maybe if this movie had gone six more hours, I would have liked it, because you guys remember how much I didn't like the first episode of Dexter New Blood. It's starting to grow on me.

That is not what I'm hearing. No, I'm up to like the seventh episode and it's growing on me. I like a lot of the characters and I like what they're doing. Dexter New Blood will be my cool of the week and Spider-Mass, you can go speak for yourself, man. And we will be getting a post from Nez

after this episode is released. I'm certain. So where I was going earlier though with the second Venom movie that you loved I watched it again

and it's worse. I did not love the second Venom movie but it was a bad which you liked it a lot. Let me put it to this way. Let me put it to this way the fact that I enjoyed seeing

venom in a rave with fucking glow sticks and tripping on fucking ecstasy or whatever speaks bonds. speaks volumes of how much I hated this movie. It was fun. It just wasn't been them.

But it was worse the second time. I'm not going to watch that movie again. Tom Hardy, you're better than that. Yeah, for real. Get ready to see a lot more of them. I know.

I tell you that right now. Billup. All right. We're not doing any trailers, man. Okay. Well, let's... Real quick. Did you guys see that trailer

what the fuck it was the call it's the A24 film speaking of multiverses one with martial arts in it yeah that looks like it's going to be trippy and amazing as Michelle Yao and Jimmy Lee Curtis oh what's it called

I'm trying to look it out of it the poster has a whole bunch of eyeballs on it like it's called real trippy yeah it's like everything everything everywhere all at once. That's a lot better than my name. I was going to say,

kick you in the cunt. It's like a sci-fi martial arts. Multi-verse movie. Oh, my God. That sounds cool. Yeah, sounds very cool. I'm looking at the trailer now.

It does look really interesting. I saw the trailer for what the fuck was it called it a bead was telling us about the Nick Cage movie which one this month's Nick Cage movie it's called someone where Nick Cage is playing himself

oh the unbearable weight of massive talent oh God are you fucking kidding me I'm into it and that's not my Nick Cage bias but it looks like it's going to be fun it has Pedro Pascal in it and Tiffany Haddish. I think he gets hired to be in a movie.

Dude, Nick Cage and Tiffany Haddish in the same movie. That's going to be bad shit. Yeah, I just wanted to throw those. Maybe we'll review them next episode. Stop down, man. Apparently a lot of people are tripping on acid for the pandemic or something, huh? It's just life. When in doubt.

No. Do some acid. There you go. Where is everybody getting all his acid? All right. Email us at the whore returns at gmail.com. Do you have a ayahuasca retreat? Email us.

We'll do a show from your place. All right. Listener feedback. First of all, we have an email. Some feedback. back. The title of it is I love you, but Lance is wrong. What?

That could cover a plethora of stuff. Can we get one for Spider-Man already? That's quick. I came through the multiverse. Who is this from? Oh, wait. Podcast Spotlight. Don't forget that.

No, I'll get there. All right, sorry. It says, hey guys, hope everyone is great. and doing well. I'd like to email you guys about a certain subject, since you guys are reviewing Santa Jaws on the next. Oh, Tim Davis. Oh, Davis, okay.

I'd like to take this time to say that yes, while Santa Jaws is a fun Christmas film featuring sharks, it's not the best Christmas film featuring sharks. That award goes to a little beauty called Jaws the Revenge. Oh, come on. Oh, no, that is a turd. I imagine. I imagine by now that Lance is broken and laughing his ass off.

Come on. I can Jaws the revenge. My first ever zero. Zero on 10. But I think he should add it to his Christmas watch list and give it another chance. You get AJ to watch that one. That'd be great. Jaws the revenge?

Yeah. I'm going to put myself to that much less hurt. But in all seriousness, which do you guys prefer? Jaws the Revenge or Santa Jaws? Which Jaws is better and why? Much love, guys. I hope you all have an awesome

Christmas and thanks for another amazing year of laughter and spookiness. I'm going to jump in and say, even though we haven't watched the movie yet, it's not as superior as Jaws of Revenge. Jaws of Revenge head Michael Kane. You're putting it out there.

I think Jaws the Revenge also is going to be probably better. You think so? Yeah. I can't give a real opinion because I've never seen Santa Jaws. But I don't know. Yeah, me either. From the pictures I've seen, Santa Jaws is wearing a Santa Claus hat. That automatically makes it better.

And we'll roll into the podcast spotlight. There you go. Broken. Yep. It shines on The Horror You Know, a weekly podcast dedicated to exploring

famous and sometimes infamous horror films and the modicum of truth that inspired them. Part humorous, part serious, but always entertaining.

This is the horror you know. This week's episode is Cranpus. Check them out. Hell yeah. Good episode. listen to it they give you a lot of information on crampus and different different uh i guess

celebrations of it in different countries or the countries that have crampus uh some of it is kind of a little bit racist i'm going to say oh no god really yeah there's there's little things in there not not the guys the the uh the uh the the background on the traditions. Yeah, I'm like yeah, newsflash. The whole world

was really racist for a lot. Oh my God. But they give a lot of information that I congratulate and applaud them because they do a lot of research on whatever movie

they're doing, especially if there's like a subject that's based on a legend or a myth, they'll break down all that stuff. So good episode, good podcast. Check them out. It should be interesting, man. I don't know everything about it, but it's,

I like it. Cool. Intrigued. Minus the racist. Yes. Yeah. Down with the racism part. God damn it, did I dig myself in a hole again? All right.

Uh, oh, thanks Tim for writing us in. It was already in my notes, and I didn't know that. Be sure to keep those emails coming. And at the end of the year, we're going to pick a random emailer and send you a free t-shirt. Uh, people really do win occasionally. Woo! Yes. Uh, regarding Sarah of horror.

Uh, I don't know. know who that is. I'm sorry. It's a podcast and a YouTube channel, right, Brian? I think YouTube. No, that the next thing, it says per Ingvar Tomran, there it is, okay. Sarah has a lot of

great videos and also a really good filmmaker. I highly recommend checking out both her channel and her movies including Sargod. S-A-R-G-A-D. Check that out. Okay. Ben David Lewin posted a link in the Facebook group to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Game.

Sounds like something that will be on a lot of Christmas lists. Is it a video game or? Yeah, I don't think it's coming out this year. Okay. I've seen the trailer, though. It looked pretty good. Yeah? Well, they're milking that sucker for all that's worth.

They are milking. I guess a multiplayer one? Is it? I'm going to have to look it up now. Sean, I started playing that one. What's it called? Dead by Daylight, I think. Oh, yeah, that's a great game.

That's pretty cool. I like playing the killer, but it's hard to catch those motherfuckers sometimes. Maybe they fucking jet to the left, dart to the right. I'm just trying to catch your head off. All right. And the evolution of horror. I'm joined by Joshua Tonks to discuss season one of

Chucky plus I chat with the creator Dom Mancini about the history of the character that's the evolution of horror and not me

but that's awesome that's how awesome I'm not sure he didn't chat with somebody else that required you to buy an autograph I know right

Don Mancini was cool I'm not saying names but okay he needed he needed autograph purchase before you

Jackie Chuckie himself, huh? Chuckie would have done for free. No, Chuckie's cool. Dorff was cool. As was his daughter. Oh, she is awesome. Yeah, she seems like a nice person.

How come in this trailer for the unbearable weight of massive talent, he's naked in a bathroom with Dugie Hauser? That's the unbearable weight. Yeah, it's Nicholas Cage. The house is not light. Yeah, sometimes that comes with a, The unbearable weight of massive talent. Yeah.

Exactly. I'm intrigued. Sometimes you end up in a tub with Sean Patrick Harris. I'm intrigued. And the unbearable weight of his penis. Oh, my God. Adam Bunch says, I've got such a spot for Strangeland. That was a theater watch.

I have not seen a movie in years. That was decent. Yeah. Yep. Freddy Krueger was in it. He played an abusive father. It's a good movie. Oh, I think that has been forever since I've watched that, too.

It had like that creepy cover, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Steve Merlo says, is Ed Neal playing a Sawyer in our film? What do you guys think? Support our Indie Go-Go, and you may find out. go to our Facebook group for the link

that's Steve Merlo what group is he associated with he is doing a fan film Texas chainsaw mask or fan film another Texas chainsaw which I think he actually got some of the actors from the original movie to be in his fan film well that's not something everybody can claim

claim fame too that's for sure I'm calling it grandpa for the game. Oh, God. Is he still alive? I don't know. Well, I mean, but in the game. Ah, okay. Choose your character. That's going to be mine. Right.

What if you choose him as a character and he still can't get out the chair? Oh, that's fucked up. I'm sure that's what it is. You're just sitting in the chair until somebody kills you. Oh, my God. That's terrible.

Swimming a hammer. Oh, trying to swing a hammer. Oh, my God. All right. That's it for listener feedback this week. As always, our intro comes from Steve Carlton of the League of Geeks. Our artwork comes from Natsulani. Check her out on Instagram. And please consider becoming a Patreon patron if you would like to help us out.

We'll let you pick the movies for a future show at any amount Or for $5 more a month Also pick a commentary for a future bonus show Which is what we're doing today If you have a chance Please give us a five-star Apple podcast review You may win some cool shit And on to our featured attraction

The Commentary of Santa Jaws Oh boy How did we get here? It should be interesting. More Christmas magic. Oh, we got some trivia first. All right. So Cody isn't like it matters.

Cody is an aspiring comment on us. Who happens to be gifted a pin which changes reality. As he first draws Santa Jaws making it come to life as Cody's family and friends are picked off. How old is this kid? I don't know. If I had a magic pin and I could make anything come to life when I was 13 years old, it wouldn't have been a fucking shark, I can tell you that.

Yeah, same. First, no one believes him. But soon his remaining family and friends find out it's true in race to the battle for survival. Who will win? Hi. Director is Misty Talley, also known for Mississippi River Sharks and Ozark Sharks. So she was on the most.

Ozark Sharks, that's amazing. Oh. Writer is Jake Kiernan, also known for absolutely nothing else. This film actually has Rotten Tomatoes score of 100%. dislike Spider-Man far from home or no way home. With both reviews being certified fresh. Wow. Holy shit.

Both of them. So the reviewer's mom and the reviewer's cousin. You got to get somebody to give you some good reviews. That's why I'm a little leery of Amazon reviews with only four reviews and half of them don't have like broken English. I'm like, uh-oh. I'm not ordering that fucking thing. Makes you wonder. All right.

So Santa Jaws it is. Oh, no. My fucking TV turned off. Uh-oh. I think we're up to a great start. All right. You guys got a starting point? Yeah, I'm at one second on Amazon Prime.

and if you want, I'll play the volume a little bit. Yes. So whenever you're ready, Phil. Go ahead, man. Give us a countdown. Okay. Hold on. Started exactly zero. Okay, there we go.

Ready 16 plus. You ready? Yeah. Yep. Three, two, one. 16 plus. For alcohol use, foul language, smoking, and violence. Oh, my God.

There's a fucking shark in it. It better be violence. You got to put smoking in your rating? I don't know. 16 plus. They don't... Included everything now. I haven't heard of a single one of these actors, have you all?

I heard of the Jim Clock. You have? No, I haven't. It's a great name, though. I think you're thinking of the porn star Jim Cock. What the fuck? Oh. Hey, is this what we're in for?

It's off to a great start. Wow. Somebody going to stab her with that tree? Better not die. It's like, is that going to stab her with something. Yeah, it looks like Daryl from the Walking Dead. It's like the beginning of like a Christmas porn. Maybe it is.

Well, minus the crazy eyes. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Oh, come on. This must be a movie. No, don't put the fucking gun down. Are you looking at me? You don't verify the bad guy.

You shoot him in the face. Especially when he's 10 times your size. The fuck is going on. Did we start halfway through the movie accidentally or what? It doesn't have testicles. This is like a rest of the movie. that retired 30 years ago. I was just about to say that.

Definitely not an ocean, that's for sure. I think this is filmed in the Ozarks. It looks like. Yeah, that's definitely look like. Where's Jason Bates? Oh, so this is like a Chucky situation where he absorbs the Santa Claus. Ah, okay, I gotcha.

Yep, there he goes. Santa Claus. there he goes there you go okay now he's Santa Jaws come on how the fuck does the hat

stand when he goes under water Santa Jaws is patrolling the lake to keep you safe push her in yeah of course it's a dream she's a bit of a she's a bit of a butterface

see now that's what I would have been drawing okay Dude, you're standing right beside me. We can fucking see. That dude looks like a lot of it. That dude looks like a pedophile. That dude looks like a pedophile. It's why he works on comic book store. Just like you, Jay. Oh.

Who here is good? Certainly not. Excited. Tomorrow is the first ever big music comics Christmas Eve party. Yeah, of course I am. It's just, you know, I'm always happy. Those two reviews that were laid and fresh. It wasn't for the acting, was it?

It's like they're reading their lines, but there's nowhere to read the lines. They're reading it. They hit them in the comic books, Brian. Oh, okay. This is like the perfect movie for riff tracks. Sometimes you just got to jump the shark. Nah. Get it?

Oh my God. You know, your cartoon about school uniforms got more lives in the winter dance. It's my night and a little bit. All right. I'm out here, guys. Hey, Brian. Jumping the shark is exactly what

Spider-Man movie did. I think you were wrong. Just to let you know. Ah, it sounds like a Hallmark movie. I've watched about 30 of them in the last 30 days. It looks like a Hallmark fucking movie. The shark All shark

There better be a whole lot more shark carnage in this movie I can draw what I really want to draw Oh my god No more of Be a pervert Yeah she caught Come on That was like blatant

He had his fucking mind shut though Oh Jesus Christ He probably does this every day. Probably. This is dad. Or did they just

buy a new car from a sleazy-ass car salesman? What it looks like. Oh, God. No, no, no, I'm not listening. Is that Santa Claus at the

desk in there? Oh, I thought it's a fat Jack Nicholp. Is it? You're right it is, isn't it? Holy fuck. I look just like fat Jack Nichols. Jesus Christ.

I had a buddy in my neighborhood that looks just like Santa Claus. No kidding? Yeah, matter of fact, we told him that we told the kids that he was Santa Claus for about two or three years. Aw. That's cute. Hopefully he's not a pet of file. Oh. Come sit on all the Santa's lap.

Just you imagine telling your kids, hey, that guy down there's Santa Claus, and then you go to work and you come home from work. And they're down there. No, no. Ouch. Yeah, she looks like a model. Sure.

A model is more like an escort. That's how she got the job. A model escort. Yeah, you idiot, the comics. I like how they always make fun of, like, kids that draw comics and shit in movies. Where, like, if you saw one in real life, like a 13-year-old kid who could draw, like, a legit comic, you'd be like, holy crap. You're amazing. Right.

I thought being a nerd was cool now and not, you know, still crapped on. Yeah. How old is this movie? Anybody know? It is. Good question. 2018. Oh, so just a couple of years ago, right before the wonderful pandemic.

I have no idea what he's talking about. Really? Oh. Looks like your artwork to me. School is unjust. Okay, clothes are an expression of our individuality. Thank you. Sounds like a robot.

The kid does not talk like a child does. Like a fat Jack Nicholson. He's like, I'm out. We have some cocaine to do in the corner. That was exactly my argument against school uniforms in high school. Right. Which I didn't have to wear it, but the class after me did. Are you serious?

Yeah. Well, not like uniforms, but you know. Well, you have to wear a green polo shirt or whatever. You go to public school? Oh, that's my kids right now have to wear like specific colors and... In public school? Yeah, and khakis and shit. Yeah.

Damn, dude. Yeah, here in Florida now. We don't have that. In Florida, you guys never wore a mask. It's a single day of the pandemic. Well, that's true. You know, there's a reason we call our governor, Deathsante. Guess what, though? Everybody's still alive.

That is true. And Florida is rebounding economically. Yeah, well, Florida's gotten more vaccines than almost any other state. Oh, so true. Map. I can't get fucking fat Jack Nicholson out of my mind now. What was that one movie he was in where he was like, God damn it? What was that?

Fuck. There was a movie at the full beard and he was fat. Anger management? Was it anger management? Oh, yeah. The one with Adam Sandler. Right. That's probably what I'm thinking. I think, yeah, that's the only one I can think of where he had a beard. I thought this kid was in a wheelchair for a minute.

I was about to say that's a, that's not a very well-scripted movie. that's not very It's like he's walking around the whole first half of the movie and now he's wheelchair-bound and they didn't even explain it. No continuity. Terrible, Lance. Is he in a wheelchair? No, man.

No. No, it worked for him. All right. But he's not on a phone, which totally takes you out of reality. No shit. Right. No kidding, God. Children live and die by the phone.

Got to take that. I knew he was going to say, gotta take this. God damn it, go take something apart or something. Take your lighter, asshole. Oh, is that what he left, is lighter? Yeah, I think it's Zippo.

Ah. It's going to get burned down the neighborhood, huh? A little bit of arson. It's the holiday spirit. Complete. I'm just kidding. person's not okay. We all thought you were serious.

I did accidentally set the field behind her house on fire one time. Oh, I burned my grandparents' camper down when I was a kid. I'm not proud of that. I accidentally set some glue on fire and it spread onto the curtains inside the camper and that thing.

Just wet, look. Red row. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Oh, it's always a German pen, isn't it? Is that what it is? I thought that was a pipe. Is it a...

Whatever that it is. Oh, okay, yeah, it is, Ben. I totally was thinking of, like, a pipe and you can start a press a math or something. Telling you, Hitler was into some weird shit. Is that a German pipe? Is that a German pipe? It's a German Pius? It's both.

Yeah, it looked like it was written in German. something on the outside of it. I don't know what it said. Swastika. Oh, my God. Well, the Third Reich was into some weird shit, right? Remember right as the Lost Art? No, I read a book about some kind of shark monster

that was a Nazi thing. Shut up. Are you serious? I did. I can't remember what the hell it was called. Did they have freaking laser beams? No, it was like a shark person. It was... laser beams attached to their heads.

You must send me the article that you're reading. I can't remember. It was a book I read when I was a kid. And it was one of those, Oh, you open a crate and there's a monster in it. It was something, some old Nazi thing that got lost at sea, and it was some kind of shark person. It was great back then.

It's Santa Jaws Uh-oh Oh my God Oh my God Jesus Christ I was like I was wondering How the hat would stay on in the water Little did I know

Yeah I don't know how the Christmas lights are going to work in the water Wrapped around a shark That does not look like the ocean He's like If Jack Tell me this is broken Eloise.

Don't tell me this is Brokeback Mountain, too. Time to go fishing. Oh, Lance. Sorry. Come on, nothing's off limits. Oh, yeah, that's true. Especially with a movie like this.

He said, come on. No, biting. Is that what he's? That sounds wrong in so many levels. This episode might get before it even goes up, guys. By who? We ain't on YouTube.

We got our own website now, don't we? Grandfather. I wonder if that was script. Where is the set? What fuck is this? Where is the set? That's what I'm trying to figure out. Louisiana?

The Ozarks, right? It might be the Ozarks. It looks kind of like Louisiana, though, yeah. I might have just went straight. from this to film an Ozark shirt. That's kind of what I was thinking. Well, Philip, you live by the ocean. Does this look familiar?

No, this looks like a swamp. Yeah, that's exactly. And part of the shots look like and it was a lake. Filming locations. Mandeville, Louisiana. Oh, my God.

Budget, $700,000. estimated it says you know what it means when they say estimated right they have no clue how would you spend $700,000 making this movie how could you not

equipment acting cocaine drugs yeah lots of drugs magical magical German pin that looks like a pipe you can

right with it and smoke crystal meth at the same time. Oh, wait a minute. He makes his own eggnog? That sounds disgusting. There's some trivia here, guys, on the page. That's not eggnog. It says, by what name was Santa Jaws officially released in India? Anybody want to know the answer? Yeah.

We all want to know the answer. Well, you have to join this IMDB account to find out, so fuck that up. The hell. Grandpa's gone, huh? No, he was the best character so far. Right. What happened to the lights? He's an inch away from that grass.

How is it he even swimming? Shouldn't the kid be more upset? Is that the model? Something terrible happening. Who did we do it? You're supposed to be in your room. Be a papa at the fishing hall is something attacked him. What are you talking about?

A shark, a shark attacked Papa. Okay, go back to your room. I'm not. Don't be ridiculous. Cody, we both engage in these stances. I'm not lying. You're crowded for another week. Now go to your room.

He looks like young Elon Musk a little bit, doesn't he? He looks like a young Dane Dahan. Oh, no. Edward Furlong. Yes, Edward Furlong. Oh, my God. Where's Arnold when you need him? Oh, my God.

Why is he even going to go check on Grandpa? I know. What I was wondering is, no. That's right. Nobody's even going to find out where he is. He's obviously lying and he didn't even mention the Santa hat. Grandpa's fine. It's cool. God.

There must be crack in that popcorn or whatever. Is that what he's eating? It looks, I don't know. It is day dawn. The early years, Brian. Another crack rock. He's just eating them. He hasn't developed the bags under his eyes yet.

No, because that was in the crack years. The heroin years were to get off the crack years. Right. He's got to even out, right? That's fucked up. You guys ever seen that movie the night before? Yeah. With Seth Rogen, where his wife gives him a little box of drugs to do whatever.

he wants for the one night. Oh, yeah. He starts tripping on mushrooms in the club, and he goes into the bathroom. He's like, I got, I got it even out. I got it even out. He just cocaine, and he starts freaking out even more. He tested on himself. Things go terribly wrong.

Philip, you're right. This guy is definitely a petto. Oh, yeah. At the bay this morning. A great white shark attacked Papa. We were at the fishing hole. and something grabbed him and pulled him into the water. He purposely put the sweater on.

I know, you know, calling him Papa probably is not helping your story. Right. Yeah. Who refers to their grandparents as Papa? Papa don't preach. Come on, guys. Born to run, she was attacked by the other sharks in a frenzy. She only survived by becoming the vest, What the fuck? Let's sit here and talk about it.

She grew so powerful that no other sharks would even get near her. This is terrible, guys. You're like beyond terrible. Can we switch over? All right. Uncle. Uncle, Tim. I'm crying uncle.

Can we switch over to Jaws the Revenge, please? Negative. I think this is still better. Okay. I have a question. Why do they do this? and movies and TV shows, why do they always stand so close to each other? That's a good question.

No social distancing, huh? You know what they really do this in? Sons of Anarchy. Every time somebody needs to talk to somebody. Yeah. Oh, you're right. Or just people that don't understand, like, social cues of, hey, maybe I shouldn't stand so close.

Well, they got to get them both in the frame, I guess. But, like, I'm telling you, in a bite, well, in regular world, you would probably not stand three inches away from another man's face. I don't know. I got one coworker that's like that. He's, bless is hard. He's socially retarded.

He's just not read social cues whatsoever. I'm like, all right, you're a little close, dude. And I'll back up, like, one step,

and then he'll, like, kind of move forward. I'm like, hey, okay, okay, let's establish.

You back up one step, and he moves forward, two steps, huh? Yeah, it's like, okay, I know you're talking to me, and you're really excited about what the fuck you're talking about, but come on, give me a little space. Ugh.

You need to play that police song for him. You need what I'm talking about. Don't stand so close to me. Girl. Is it that one or the stalking one? Because they're kind of. opposite of each other Are they gonna like

haul ass and go check on the grandfather or continue like you know circle jerking No shit dude they're all just talking about it Meanwhile where the fuck is the grandfather right Nobody believes him they're like I'm sure he's around somewhere He probably just fell asleep

Being molested by Santa Jaws Oh God I would choose death Of a mollustation Why is he have a ball of chips And all kinds of stuff on a counter Pedophile That's how you lure

That's how you lure the kids in Uh Very nice Chips and Zaza stuffed animals Candy Whatever you want I got it I thought she didn't say it.

How much money do you have on you? That's later. She's like, he's like, I'm a high school of physics teacher. She's like, all right, later. Yeah. Mandeville, Louisiana. No, I mean, are they in a restaurant and she's cooking? Are they?

Are they in a restaurant? It looks like a bar. Looks like it. There's a weird restaurant location. But of course he did. Of course he did. Since he seemed in a clinic. We were kids.

We used to watch the parade together. You couldn't get enough of those legs. Was that Santa Jaws? Papa has to come out somewhere, huh? Oh, yeah, she said we watched the parade from the restaurant deck. So yeah, I guess they own a restaurant or something. something.

Hashtag Christmas Spirits. Let me go get in my bikini for the gram. Did they film this after Katrina? Yeah. I'm sorry. It does like a storm recently hit.

Yeah. Well, fuck. Louisiana gets a hurricane every other year, you know? Yeah, that's true. That's why they got to have all the casinos there, right? To sap all, suck all the money back into the area from all the Texans that go over there and throw all their fucking money down the slot machines.

I mean, that's fair. Every time a hurricane comes this way, I'm like, oh, thank goodness. This is going to Louisiana again. And it always does, right? Yep. They're cursed. It's the ghost of Marie Laveau. That's some filthy water.

Oh, that's just Louisiana. I'm sorry. It is. The kid looks like he's ready to turn into the next Chucky. No worries, I constipated. Right?

Constipated me. This is not the yacht, is it? That's not a fucking yacht. No. Are you fucking kidding me? That definitely is not. Oh, my God. That's a little.

Louisiana yacht. Jesus. And I have a gallicent yacht. That's right. Let's all go. She's cute, but I like a little bit more on the top. You know what I mean? I'm not going to complain.

It seems like... We'll kick her from the bed. Yeah. Very shallow and stupidest in. 20,000 of my followers. Oh, yep, definitely. Yeah, if you utter the word followers, then I don't give a shit anymore. Yep.

And pumpkin spice lattes. I don't know to hear about that. The camel toe incident. Dog walking leotard. Yeah, let's crank this yacht up. It's like a tugboat. Right. No shit.

Did the hat come with the yacht? Probably. He kind of looks like a, he kind of looks like a poor man's Michael McKean a little bit. I'm trying to think of who he reminds me of. Help me out here, Brian. Gary Busey. Paul Thomas, not Paul Thomas Anderson. Who was the guy that died of a heroin overdose that used to be in all the Paul Thomas Anderson movies? Philip C. War Hoffman.

Oh, Philipsy Moore. A little bit, right? Oh, maybe. you know his son Philip Seymour Hoffman's son is in that new movie Lickrish Pizza Oh he's the he's the main guy right

Yeah I didn't realize that until I was reading Up on the movie because I was trying to figure out What the fuck the movie is Is that movie worth the shit because I saw a commercial And it was like everybody's talking about Liquorish Pizza and I'm like no they're not you No they're not

You're talking about Spider-Man No way home I don't know I'm really curious about it but I will not spend money to actually watch it let me put it yeah boy they've spent some advertising money on it though because it's every fucking YouTube yeah watch I mean it's no Santa Jaws but yeah it is it's true sleigh bells what's that shit I just realize every time I hit mute to go deal with the dog that nobody can hear the sound coming

through the phone, huh? Not that I guess anybody needs to, right? What the fuck? Get out of the dock right there. Get on the fucking dock. Does she really say sleigh bells? Yep.

Oh, the Mormon kids are here. Are they? Christmas sweaters. Are they still not concerned about the grandfather? Like, not moving in any hurry.

Yeah, they still I don't notice that Gramps is gone, huh? It's like home alone, but... Yeah, I mean, you would think they would invite him to come on their yacht. Is this maybe really only 30 minutes in? No. That must be way off then. This has been going on at least an hour, right?

Oh, her name is Mary. Like, Mary Christmas? Yeah, mine says 32 minutes. Oh, my God. It's like Mary's fucking kill, huh? Yeah, you don't track a field girl that my sister keeps talking about. The owner of the big music comics that he gave you a comic book, Tandadross? He did.

I count me as a creepy vibe. He knows. Is it, Philip? The illustrations are cool when I had the callback stress. Are we at the same spot where she just said, you want it back? Yeah. Yeah. Was it just me, or did they just tell her the whole girls' volleyball team?

What the fuck? The hell is that? It's the restaurant. it's a boat restaurant a floating a floating restaurant you just said what happened to him but was it a red fan that's probably not where you start that conversation oh this is a bikini top i thought she was in her underwear the whole time no remember she said she was getting in her bikini for her instagram there's bikinis have come a long way Yeah, go outside.

You guys ever heard that joke? Oh, that one. Yeah. Yeah, you call somebody else say, or you call somebody up and say, is Mike there? Mike who? Mike Hunt? I don't know. Somehow it was funnier when I was nine years old.

Good old. and joke. Oh, Jesus. There really is an hour left in this. I think there's an hour like 28 minutes left. You know what? I'd almost be willing to just go ahead and turn this off where we're

at and put in Jaws the Revenge. Shot fired. When is his friend going to get eaten? I think I'd rather watch an hour of this than Jaws or revenge. Who's this? freaking it be eating. I was going to say, can it be now? Please.

What? Let's go. That didn't even make sense. Oh, damn it, Nez. She's definitely got that resting bitch face going. She doesn't even look like the same chick. Is it the same actress or did they switch? Is it a body double?

I'm kind of confused. I don't, it... The dude looks like Adam Scott now. What the fuck are we watching? The switch is. to cramp us on the bayou or whatever. Your favorite actor, Lance. You know what? That would be hilarious. If they just cut all of the cast,

switch the characters completely in the middle of the and then pretended like nothing happened. That would be hilarious. What's he drinking? Olympia? Holy shit. Okay.

Now we're getting somewhere. He's still wearing a stupid fucking sweater. In New Orleans, it's probably 90 degrees. Oh, God. Looks like Ernest Gared stupid. What the hell? What the hell? Santa Jans just.

had in some crawfish and a hurricane. How big can this shark possibly be swimming under docks and shit? I know. That water was like, what, two feet two feet being, baby? That's magical. Oh, he just drawn his grandpa,

have him come back. That would be it. That would be too original, man. It's a terrestrial from different worlds. That is a brawl top. looks like it where are the comics oh there they're there

I was about to say this is a weird comic show Rufi Collada Oh god Oh we broke the lance I had I had it already ready for the kids But since you're here

That's a better Oh No No Oh no Oh god Oh Oh

Desperate times, huh? So we just need to stay away from the water. You have to stay here? So, Philip, you said she's skinny, but you'd give it a try, huh? Oh, really? What? How would you not? I'm not picky.

believe us though oh this guy Ruthie Collado it does look like one straight up look at that fucking eggnog oh never mind yeah you're right

these kids have like 90s haircuts oh they do yeah you're right yeah he's totally got the rocking the Edward furlong look right and there's this weird 30 year old model who's supposed to be playing

25 it's not working on She looks like she's 40. Yeah. She's scaring the hell out of 40, huh? I'm actually 18? No. I'm telling you, she looked younger earlier in the movie. Maybe they did change.

Why does he have weapons? I don't have any idea. Why does he have Pinocales for kids? So many questions. I don't know if I want the answers. I'm pretty sure we don't. What's the joke's going to be on them when those crossbows turn out to be Nerf?

Oh, boy. Now there's going to be a second shark. Why would you just throw it in the water anyway? You fucking jerk? Pick up your trash. He was just complaining about them not decorating, and then he throws it in water. the one thing they put up lose your arm

oh my god oh come on now we know where the 700 000 went okay yes you're right it's all justified now

to their nephew the IT guy yes oh we're gonna be all right we can't oh we have kids now we believe them

oh we have kids I'm probably people are going to be rolled to that door. They're at the pedophiles. Oh, God. I guess just like, fuck Grandpa. Yeah, no one seems to give a shit. Just a whole, man.

Speaking German. You were right, Philip. I told you to look like German on front of that thing. Oh, God. You were fucking right, Philip. He been a in Berliner. He holds... back into Deutsch.

As the power. Be there who you says that. Oh, boy. Figure it out, Dane. Figure it out. Figure it out, 40-year-old model.

Figure it out. Ugh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Now, that was a pipe that he dropped, right? Oh, is that the pen? The pen slash pipe.

Marina del Rey. Isn't that a George Strait song? Yeah, I think it is. That was an artist. Is it? Okay. It's going to wait. Get the shark over here.

Well, you can take off your top and then, you know, take off your bottoms. and uh... Well, if this was 80s. Yeah, yeah, that's true. It's at least worth a shot. Yeah. Again, if I were 13 years old, I wouldn't have been drawing sharks in the first place.

Nope. Not at all. It would have been a bunch of fucking cannibal women in the avocado jungle of death or something coming to it. Coming to Jesus. Or vagina sharks. Yeah, right. That sounds amazing.

So what's the plan here? Just like when he gets close, stab it with all your stabby weapons? I think so. Like they're made out of foam. What fuck is this soundtrack? That's what his friend had on his phone for some reason. That didn't fucking miss.

That was terrible. Did he shoot it or did he toss it? Oh, she of course knows how to shoot it. Yeah. What the fuck. It didn't even, it like tapped the shark and that was it. Throw the spear. Yeah, throw the sphere. Yeah.

See what this does. Okay. How experienced could the kid possibly be at spear throwing? Well, this isn't a Mawana, is it? That's what I've got the Mawana theme song going through my head now. And is she back there sucking on a candy cane? Yeah. Mother fucking

trying to kill the shark. There's the lights. You're like, I just want you to look sexy. Oh, boy. Do it again. I'm a little disappointed. The lights are not on. They were.

They were on. I mean, right now. No, and the shark was underwater, the lights were on, Brian. Oh. I don't know. Now. Oh. No way to hell.

Maybe they're battery operated and waterproof. What the hell? Stabbed at a thigh. A testicle. Well, I don't know. They kicked him in the nuts earlier, and it rang like jingle bells. I don't know if the candy can't get so big. That's right.

That happened like three hour-long episodes ago, I think. Or was that last night when we saw the guy kick the jingle bells. How far are we into this movie? All right. Oh, they got her. We're over halfway down. I can't wait to listen to Nez's review tomorrow. It should be interesting.

Your foster parents are dead. Oh, come on. No, no, no, no. I know what you're thinking, but the answer is no. Who's going to believe us? weapons. Think about it. That shark is way too strong and way too smart. We can't fight her. One of us is next.

We made it. How do they know that? They established that like 10, 15 minutes, hour, two hours ago. That's sexist. How do they know that? But didn't you get the bad Santa Claus guy? Christmas flair.

Oh, boy. I hate this. movie so much. Candy cane arrows. They're going to make candy cane arrows. Now, I would be with this if there was more

killing. Same. Man, they would have trouble finding me because I'd be on Bourbon Street by now if I was hired to go if I can film this movie. I bet you they don't even look for grandpa.

No! He's just looking for it, Brian. There's no Papa. An hour later, they finally realized that, hey, maybe we should issue a silver alert. That's silver alert. I don't know if they, that's what they call it outside the state of Florida,

but when old people are missing here, it's a silver alert here. Okay. That's like a great white shark. Let's put this fish on ice. Oh, God. But it would have sounded cool if Arnold had said it, right? Well, I mean...

As Mr. Freeze. The accent, and he would have been flexing for no reason. Hey, my news. How do you want to go to the finals against Montclair Park to lose by one line? What is your problem? My problem. Yeah, you have some sort of chip on your shoulder. I don't know why that would be.

You and your friends treat me and Cody like we don't exist. When you're bored, we're chom. I wonder why. You and all your jock friends As a nerds Like second-class citizens This is like it's trying to be an 80s movie Huh?

Josh You motherfucker conjured up a killer shark When is the last time Anybody ever used the term Jock or nerd Outside of the 80s? Right now Nerds

Just wait kid a couple years It'll be popular I don't think anyone Gives a shit about the terms Jock and nerd anymore Yeah Oh, gee, sorry, man Different buzzwords now

Guess I made a bunch of misconceptions about you I'm very sorry Everybody thinks I'm going to get a scholarship But I'm not I'm not that good Oh my God It's because you're 5 foot 10 and weigh a buck 35 Right

I think you're going to get it. The only thing standing between me and that scholarship Is talent I think this box is explosives. Why is there a box of explosives at a marina? What the fuck? Generically marked explosives. Well, that's where I had mine.

Houston. Houston, all right. Shout out, Philip. Hey, look at that. I guess it's always been fast. It has been training me since I was a little. He pushes me. Oh, track. I was thinking she was.

I think that she was talking about something else. Well, you never know. Is she older than him? Dane to hunt here. Oh, yeah. Dane to hunt doesn't hear. She's actually 25. Dane to Hans says, hey, that's all good.

Got any heroin? They're doing a whole lot of talking. Hey, we're not hunting for a shark or anything. Let's have a powwow. and just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Back. The kind that Papa uses to kill more than the camp.

Yeah, enough to love an elephant. And for delivery, a little taste of Christmas. What's dead? What the fuck? What are they doing? Hunting. We're going to have a rifle.

Mm-hmm. For you please go. I love my children. Yeah, I love them, too. Yeah, let's take the smallest boat. Man, no shit. Like, we need to take up this logic. All right? Cody, what?

At least I'll give him credit. He doesn't have his fucking finger on the shirt. That shit drives me crazy. Same. Oh, he does? You're right. Yeah, that drives me nuts, too. Or when someone has a firearm and they pull the clip out and then pop it back in and pull the slide back, you know, as if it's not already loaded.

God, I hate that. Well, let me put it to you this way. I think there was a different gun wrangler on set than there was with Alec Baldwin. Hey. Oh, too sad. I don't know if the gun wrangler had a whole lot to do with Alec Baldwin. Hey. Hey!

That motherfucker has changed his stories more times than I count. He's going to jail. Allegedly. Allegedly, he didn't pull the trigger. Hey I'm a single action revolver New Mexico They won't do anything

Yeah He'll get away with it Dude What are they throwing chum in the water Or was it that What did you call it Petonog or Roofie Colada

Yeah Roofie Calata There it goes what the fuck? Damn! They've gotten better. I'm glad they have their Christmas weapons. What was that?

A homemade grenade. Uh-oh. That was a close one. There goes your arm. You have the best thing to do if you drop a grenade or run after it and grab it. Oh, your friend's gone. But he's still got the grenade.

Find the motherfucker blown up. He sacrificed himself to save everyone else. It's a shark attacking Port City. Where's Cody? That is classified. He's been drinking too much of his own. Oh, God. granted.

Oh my God. Is it the Simpsons that has the comic book dealer in it that's such a nerd? Yeah. What? That's branded. None shall pass.

Oh, okay. You got a gun. Okay. This is like the two in tremors. Michael Gross and Reba. Hell yeah. Oh, no. Seagulls in Louisiana.

Seagulls. Y'all might have far from the ocean now, aren't you? There's a bad Louisiana accent. I don't know if there is a bad Louisiana accent. How, home, I'm sorry. Fucking waterpoint. I love that one. Brian.

Hmm. Can we do, next week, can we do a commentary for two Jennifer or Fram Jennifer or whatever it's called? Jesus Christ. Don't ever want to watch that. I quit. I'm not on that one. We'd also do a commentary on me, on me stabbing myself through the foot. Well, we got to get a.

our YouTube up and running for that. I think I'd rather do that than Tudjian. Was it called Tudanifer? From Jennifer, I can't remember. It doesn't matter. If you ever come across either of those, don't do it.

Kind of like teenage suicide. Yeah. What fuck does that sign in the background say Necroball? What the hell is a necrobball? I think it does say that. You're right. What's he got like paint samples up there

looks like he's like Sharon Williams also he's got paint samples welcome the made of El Louisiana the comic book store paint samples and everything you need right here we even rent yachts we cook crystal meth in the back

I'm sorry crystal math in the back we cook Chris her mouth right up front. Like we're doing Taffy. That's just dangerous. Here we go. Quick, don't drink it. Don't drink it.

The more I look at it, the more it looks like baby batter. By the way, I'm not going to shit on Louisiana and especially not on accents, because I'm from Texas and I know that I have an accent. I grew up in East Tennessee. I had an accent for the longest time. Yeah? I don't anymore. I had no idea I had one until I went to college with a girl from Colorado and I told her I was fixing to go do something and she's like, you're fixing to? And I'm like, yeah, um, fixing to. She's like, I had no idea that was weird.

That's funny. Svet, Lana. She has amazing taste. flew in a okay you do know what's going on here guys right oh he drew the model

okay there you go 13 year old kid that's the thing you need to be drawn right you know I put that the same place for you

and I will get that I'll be right back I'll get that for you and just stay here stay put at least you didn't draw an extra little kid am I right

oh of course oh With my drawing skills, she would have like one eye. Left tip would be three times bigger than the right. Just an abomination. I know. I've always been very jealous of those people that can really draw because I can't.

Yeah. I can't draw worth of shit. Yep. Shout out to anybody with any artistic skills whatsoever. We certainly have none. Yeah. I'm spit. She came and talked.

She literally can't talk. Oh, he drew himself $100. He is one fuck of an artist, isn't he? Maybe he's not that dumb after all. Oh, shit. Why would you leave the keys in the ignition? Right. Man, if he can draw a Russian chick and $100 bills

with that much accuracy, The movie I want to see is the one where the mafia kidnaps him and, like, keeps him chained in a basement drawing shit for him. There happened to be three bucks for them. Right. Or it could have been the keys in the visor. Has anybody ever in the history of ever kept anything in their visor? Because in movies, it's there all the time. I don't know.

I don't think you can keep papers up there because they keep falling. Plus, how do you open the mirror? You took Papa. She's gone for Reba. Yeah, but she can't shoot worth of shit. Right. Shooting grandpa. I think these two are next.

What the fuck? I was about to joke that it was going to be a gator and then I decided to cast it. I was like that would be a stupid joke. I'm going to say it again. Now we know where the $700,000 went. Holy shit. Oh, that took a shortcut. Yeah, right.

I feel like the goonies here. What's for that car? Must have cost him quite a pretty penny to rent that, huh? That's where most of the budget went. I just needed a new car. I figured out. I got a faster car. Because we're running away.

Can't we negotiate? Like, maybe stop the murderous shark and keep the money? Mm-hmm. Just tell the motherfucker. Just keep drawing $100 bills. And we're cool. Yeah. I mean, am I right?

Am I missing something here? Mm-mm. And why the fuck is you're saying for the money? why the fuck is he running from a 13 year old Dane DeHan a chick and his stupid friend well three on one

oh that's true yeah kids are strong please don't tell me he's going to throw it in the lake watch Clark oh my god Clark is this Superman yes

this is the the untold origin of Superman huh That'd be time. He just... He just... ...all something to take care of these kids. Yeah, right.

For a hole for them to step into or something, right? Okay. Why do you want a woman that speaks? No, I don't know. I kind of like what they're doing right here. I know. It's kind of cute, isn't it? No, but life is so hard and this is so easy.

I know. I know. I kind of like this part of the movie. I got to tell you, it's kind of won me back a little bit from Jaws of Revenge. They already were. Right. It's not like, they weren't going sons of anarchy style in him. Uh-oh.

It's bullshit. That kid ain't catching shit. Uh-oh. He looks like Zach Gallifanakis there. I think we've almost recasted this whole movie. Well, that maybe we've recasted we cost more than seven thousand, well, we got Philip Seymour Hoffman, Dane DeHan,

Zach Gallifanakis. We're going to bring him back from the dead. Too soon. Come on. Full zombie, Philip Seymour. You guys, yeah. Oh, that's way too soon. Does she just get eaten?

I think so. But she saved the pen. so she played her part. But who's he going to spy on now from his window? Probably the shark. See, the lights are on there, right, Brian? Yeah, but I was disappointed

they were off when he killed the one chick. How does she know it's specifically a great white shark? All right, this is where they hang out. Yeah. This line is for emergencies only. Although I've been in that situation before, where I'm telling somebody something that happened. I'm like, man, this sounds insane.

Have you really? Oh, yeah. Usually with my mom. How would they know? I was kind of thinking the same thing. That's the saddest looking Marina. The fucking lights are still on. Uh-oh, there's the new teeth.

Oh, my God. Are you serious right now? What are they doing now? Outlining the shark? What? What the fuck just happened? What? Oh, my God.

Ouch. Now the sharks are dangerous. Why don't you just draw the shark? That's a unicorn jaws. Norwal. like an elf oh my god bye mr darwall

I'm headed to new york city where the bubble gum is free candy I love that movie have a good dad we need to get to mom and dad before she does oh yeah we're gonna find

what if I never see him again who grandpa or your son they fucking got the Papa. They gave, they don't give. Fuck Papa. He lived his life. Yep.

You're alive. Son, you're alive. We knew exactly where you were. We were looking for you. We promise. The nephew's probably going to have to live with them now. Right. That thing is a monster.

Riefi Kalad is for everyone. I guess I was just angry about, son. I drew her and she came down now she's honey. Zad looks like he's about to say, you dumb little motherfucker. No.

This is not your fault. Yes, it is. Do you grab Grandpa's German pen? You know, species roaming into unfamiliar territories, it happens all...

You are not listening to me. That is Santa John. It's Santa John. Just listen. to him. What we need to do is we need to get inland and contact the important. You remember the last time you didn't list him,

you lost Papa. He's going for an award of something. I made him, I made. Fucking maximum overdrive. We made you! We made you. But who made who?

So, and I have no masturbating for first time can be kind of scary. Oh, Jesus. It's a normal thing. It's a force of nature. Sometimes it is. Why don't he just draw something to show that that's what happens?

That'd be too easy. Not to mention his mom sounded crazier calling the police and talking about that shit than he did. when he was like, hey, grandpa's gone, and they're like, you're so fucking stupid. Yeah, grandpa's gone. Well, let's go hit the fishing truck or whatever. Where the fuck they were going? The restaurant.

I've been with Cody all day. He knows what we're up against. God, this is almost mercifully over. We can't let him bite them. So much unneeded dialogue in this movie. Yeah. Really? and 18 minutes of it.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh, the Walking Dead. This movie was less than an hour. It would be a lot more tolerable. Yes. Tolerable. Kind of like a...

No, but you could almost make it good. Like if it was a little short? Yeah, you trim it down, get rid of all this, you know, talky-talkie bullshit. Kind of like a tales from the crypt. episode or something. Yeah.

It can, you know, campy and play in on that fact. Yeah, I don't think I need to know the Instagram model's backstory. Oh, God. She gave him that

look like Dane. Again, Brian, there is we're more of that 700,000 win, right? Those are some of the shittiest and saddest-looking tools I've seen in a while. They probably rented them for the day.

The bottom at a shitty pawn shop. Yeah, a pawn shop. A crackhead sold him. Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking. So they had time to make hens. Three French hands.

French. French. Hey man, you guys want to rent some boats? You got me time by 6 o'clock? Because it's Louisiana and it has to be French, you know. Oh, God. What do they put in them cajohn seasoning or what? That's a turkey bottle.

That's a turduckin. And it's not been deep fried, so, you know, it's not. Cajun. Posers. Oh, man, my brother-in-law made this deep-fried Cajun turkey for Thanksgiving. Yeah. That thing was gone in like an hour. Oh, it's hell of good.

It's just dangerous as fuck. Right. I'm a smoked turkey guy. Smoked is good, too. Yeah. Doing a pork butt and a brisket for Christmas. Hell yeah. And nobody's coming over.

Yay, yeah. AJ and I'll come over for New Year's or do you have something planned? Not that I'm aware of, but I don't know what's going on next week, so. She very specifically said she wants to get away from all the kids and all the grandkids for New Year's. Fuck yeah, man. I'm sure Rose would be down. These got to go with our kids. There he goes. That's different.

Yeah, when you're dealing with other people still. We can kind of pat them on the head and say, okay, bye. Yeah, not. They're pretty easy. I get turduck exploding turduckins. It's just catapult the fucking turkey. I like the catapult cam. Right. What is this jackass?

When is that movie coming out? The new jackass movie. I think February. Really? I'm looking for that. Oh, I thought it was already done. I forgot about it. Yeah, I thought it was.

No, they polled. They delayed it. It's like it. It's swerved the other way from where the turkey hit. Yeah, I can't wait for the jackass movie. Oh, yeah, those are great, man. It's got to be the last because Knox was just... I read their introducing new people to kind of like pass the torch.

You can't do that. I mean, I understand you're trying to expand it, but you can't... You know, it's jacket ass. Well, they got a, they got to have somebody that can survive the dumb breaks at this point. Yeah, that's fair. You know, if I go flying out of a shopping cart at 20 years old, it's not that big a deal, but. Yeah. When you're, yeah, 40s, 50s, yeah, more likely to break a hip or leg or something.

Like, just like 53 years old. Oh, I thought it Nailed him right in the crotch I was like, oh my God Did it go for his joke? It's a pedophile. What is this guy doing? See, if it was more kills like this,

I think it would be a little bit more fun. Yeah. I think so, but there's a lot. There's so much dialogue. What did you call it? Sean, talkie talkie, talkie, yeah. Ever heard that phrase before, Brian? Oh, yeah.

Apparently that's a universal thing, huh? Yeah, just stand there with the rifle. Don't do anything. Nice. Keep your finger on the trigger, too. There you go. See, that's what I'm talking about. And how many times are you going to cock it?

I can shoot. There we go. There's that budget. That is so fucking terrible looking. Oh, God, it looks like he came out of like a PS1 game. Yes. I was thinking Nintendo, but okay. Oh, yeah.

So bad. Why to go, kid? You killed all your family and your friends. I'm sure you guys are all too young to remember those little handheld football games and basketball games and stuff with just the flashing lights. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's those dots?

What are they, tiger games or whatever? Yeah. They still have old dude. Did they? Yeah. I thought I bought one for one of my kids not too long ago. Oh, yeah, yoy. You got to be really bored to play with one of those.

Oh, for sure. Yeah, they thought it was fun for about 10 minutes. And then what? You took over or what? Yeah. There is some strategy involved in the football game. Oh, see. The German chin.

Got the crack pin. Hair pin. No, that one's too like... I'm sorry. It looks golden. Like, the other one looks just silver. Like, will you put your stupid vaporizer away, you dumb kid? Right?

In your fucking dildo. Oh. A ribbed dildo. Papa gave that to me, the rib dildo. Oh. Oh, yeah. The more you think about that, the worse it gets. Sorry.

Let's go have that Okolato. Oh, God. What? Just when you thought it was safe to go back near the bio. I don't think it's ever been safe to go in the bay. I'll save you while you're getting eaten by a shark. Let me draw it real quick. Hurry, hurry.

Is it a wood chipper? What was that movie with the wood chipper? They made it into a TV series. Come on, help me out, guys. Oh, Fargo? Go. I knew that lighter was going to come in handy soon.

Oh, I want to punch this kid in the face. Yeah, so bad. It's fucking green. Oh, God. Well. And he burned down the restaurant.

Oh, and it's all a dream. It was all a dream. Yep. Now I'm mad. As if you're couldn't make this worse. Oh, God. Hey, it's Christmas Day.

I'll never wish for a shark again, Mommy and Daddy. Jack Nicholson. Maybe this is like... Yeah. It looks like Jack Nicholson. Fuck Dom DeLuis. Guys like Philip Seymour Hoffa and Michael McKeon's love to tell.

She's kind of hot in her onesy pajamas. Annie meant that the shark's going to come through the window. While you were geeking down on the comics, I was fucking dad's 40-year-old model. For a price, of course. Yeah, of course. Did he say, well, fuck it, Cody? Sound like it. Sure did.

Yeah, this definitely looks like a crampus ending. Yeah. Well, that's how you get the twist ending if you suck at it. A cranky D? What's that? I don't know. I was really wanting to know. A cranky D?

Yeah. That's what the grandpa said. I got to look this up now. Frankie D. Oh, look, it's a videotape, it's a videotapey Man, I miss those days When I was young and skinny

I thought the shark was going to come out Ah, there's the twist They just opened up Maybe we could Check it out together That would be fun As long as they have Riffy collars

I thought this movie was almost over. What the fuck is going on? It's like it started over. It's like we're trapped in the crampas globe here. Come on. On top of that, that girl being interested in him is way less believable than the whole rest of the movie. Right.

All right. At this point, Oh, there's the pin. Zipin. Dere pin. So did it never happen? Or like... You know what?

Maybe that's the ending he wrote. Kind of wish this movie never happened. Oh, my God. And now he's going to be a super... Oh, my God. No kidding. Oh, that was so fucking terrible. I thought the pin was going to say,

we have such sights to show you all right Sean we're sorry yeah no worries it was still fun I really appreciate being able to come on again this was a blast it was definitely interesting we're not making decisions mid-show

while we're all fucked up anymore well thanks for hanging out man yeah thank you and you guys have Merry Christmas, Happy holidays Yeah, for sure. And as always, we want to thank you guys for listening to another episode of the horror returns. We're sorry, but thank you for listening. You know you've had fun.

Brian, what are we doing next week? The Matrix, the Matrix, what was it, Resurrections? Resurrections. Yeah, sounds good. One of those. Ready. And we do have a guest, right? Hey, Dro.

Oh, Pedro. Our first ever guest, right? First ever. Was he? I think so. I believe it was John Carpenter retrospective. I think so. I don't know.

Pedro's been on so many. All right. Well, to check us out, go to the horror. www. Thehorrorreturns.com and, uh, fill up until the horror returns again. Good night. Ho, ho, ho.

There's a sorry named Langford in the credits. I sure hope that's not a kinfolk of mine. A kinfolk. Oh, God, there's still a minute of credits. What do y'all want to talk about? What if there's an after-credit scene? You can't turn it off yet. Yeah, there could very well be, right?

It could be a sequel. Oh, my God. Yeah, plus I've still got to edit out the part where my dog started barking, right? Oh, leave it. Yeah, that's exactly what else could say. What was I talking about? Spider-meh at that point, or Spider-Mass? Oh, there we go.

Madisonville, Mandeville, and Covington. Okay, I know we're all the... Louisiana Entertainment. That's exactly where it was. Yeah. I thought it was going to be Louisiana Entertainment. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. many of their movies. Well, guaranteed part of that $700,000 went to hurricanes and casinos for sure. Oh, yeah. Maybe. Yeah.

I'm sure you're right. That looks suspiciously like the actual Jaws logo, isn't it? Allegedly. Sony? The fuck does Sony have to do with this? Jesus Christ.

There was no mention of Sony until the very end. All right. This movie has a three and a half star rating on Amazon. From the studio that brought you venom carnage and Spider-Man. Spider-Man. Three and a half out of five. Like, what the fuck?

How. How?