The Horror Returns - THR - Ep. #455: Valentine (2001) & Heart Eyes (2025)

Episode Date: February 14, 2025

This week, Pedro is back to talk some valentines movies with us. Cool of the week includes Companion, Coherence, Cobra Kai, and Better Man. Trailer is Borderline. The podcast spotlight shines on Alone in the Dark. And we get feedback form Matt Wood, Scott Crawford, David Barta, Nathan Whata Croc, Mark Komarzynski, BO RT, and Kevin Kelley. Thanks for listening! The Horror Returns Website: https://thehorrorreturns.com THR Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thehorrorreturns/ Join THR Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1056143707851246 THR X: https://twitter.com/horror_returns?s=21&t=XKcrrOBZ7mzjwJY0ZJWrGA THR Instagram: https://instagram.com/thehorrorreturns?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y= THR Threads: https://www.threads.net/@thehorrorreturns?igshid=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ== THR YouTube Channel: https://youtube.com/@thehorrorreturnspodcast3277 THR Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/thehorrorreturns THR TeePublic: https://www.teepublic.com/user/the-horror-returns SK8ER Nez Podcast Network: https://www.podbean.com/pu/pbblog-p3n57-c4166 E Society Spotify For Podcasters: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/esoc Music By: Steve Carleton Of The Geekz

Regings victims, for those of you who delight and dread, who fantasize about fear, who glorify gore, welcome. You have found the place where the horror returns. Listeners beware. This podcast contains major plot spoilers. and the foulest of language. Join us in celebrating the old and the new, the best, and the worst in horror. Everybody to The Horror Returns.

I'm Lance, and with me as always, we got Brian and Philip. And in the house tonight, it's our man Pedro. What's going on, dude? Oh, man right here in LA, just... I don't want to say, I'm freezing because it's going to make me sound like a pussy because over here, it's maybe like 50 degrees right now,

so I'm cool, but it's a little cold. I would love 50 degrees right now. I think you would. I'm not saying nothing. I'm cool. I'm cool. You know, I'm chilling. Either we know, I'm cold.

It was in the 40s today in Galveston. I was freezing my nuts off. I would love 40 degrees right now. It was 80. It was 80 here today, guys, in Melbourne in Florida. 80. There you go. That's why people go to Florida to die, man,

because the weather's always nice. That's true. I was going to make a joke about to live and die in L.A., but you beat me to the Florida, man. You remember that movie? That was one of the first ones where the good guy died halfway through the movie. Remember that shit?

I want to say, I would say, is that Steve Soderberg? I think it makes sense. Yeah. That was like an 80s movie, though, right? Has he been around that long? Yeah, yeah, he's been around for a while. All right.

I just remember seeing it at the theater, and I was like halfway through the movie, the main, like, detective that was trying to solve the crime gets blown away, and I'm like, what the fuck? Never seen that in an American movie before, but, you know. Yeah. All right. So here we are, the horror returns.

Pedro, welcome back. What's you got going on, man? What's, how's life in L.A.? We were messaging a little bit when the fire was going on, but you could smell smoke, but you never got close to the fire. No, but it's still pretty dangerous. I mean, the fact that I could inhale that shit was not healthy. So, yeah, yeah, I mean, I was lucky enough to be, you know, maybe, I don't know, five miles away from it. I could see everything, but, you know, it never came to my apartment complex, thank God.

But, I mean, now they're talking about what kind of health ramifications are we going to be seeing. later on because so many people were inhaling all that stuff for a long time, I'm doing myself. And yeah, man, I mean, we're just trying to rebound. The fires were hard. I mean, a lot of people lost their homes, you know, and it wasn't all rich people either. You know, we had the Pacific Palisades, which is very, very, very rich part of town. But, I mean, we also had Altadina, which is like kind of like middle class, even lower class.

So a lot of people lost their homes, and it's just, it was also nice to see the city come together. Like, that was weird to me to see that. like everybody just came together to house these people, provide them with food, supplies, et cetera. So yeah, so we're just kind of getting through that. And then, yeah, we've been dealing with the storm. We got hit with a storm that's going to last about three days straight. So there's that.

But at the same time, you know, I try to stay in gratitude. And it's like one of the reasons why I wanted to come on this show today, for a couple reasons. First of all, I wanted to talk companion, which is probably going to – I feel like that movie is going to stay in my life. my top 10 for the rest of the year. Yeah, please don't, please don't spoil too much, dude. I didn't make it out this

week. Okay, I won't. I actually did see it, though. That's my cool of the week. Oh, we'll talk about that. I got to see it, too. You fucking assholes. All right, I'm the only guy then. Okay. And then also just, and I think me and you were texting, Lance, and we're on a streak. I think ever since the

Wolfman, you know, every week there's been a big theatrical horror movie coming out. You know, even we were joking how we get to use our AMC card. You know, you had the Wolfman. You have presents. You know, you have companion, hard eyes. Then we have the monkey next week. So it's been, you know, we took a little break this week because Captain America is probably going to, you know, clean house at the box office. But, but even that's a genre film. So I'm excited for that too. I'm actually going to go see it after this show.

I got my tickets for tomorrow. Okay, cool. And so yeah, so I was just excited. That's why I wanted to come out here because, I mean, I've watched them all, and they've all been pretty good. You know, I mean, I know you guys didn't really like the Wolfman or maybe you guys were mixed on it. Now, Lance, I have a bone to place. I like it. I think, hold on, I think Brian, Brian called it the wolf, me. No.

Didn't you, Brian? No, I don't think I said that. Okay. All right, what's your, what's your beef? What's your beef? Well, speaking of what you just did right now with Brian. So I texted Lance, right? And I'm like, you know what?

I thought the Wolfman was an 8 on 10. You know, and he's like, oh, that's cool. you know, we're talking. And then I go, what do you think of presence? Is it presence? The Steven Sondonberg one with the ghost? Yeah, the ghost story. Now, that's all I said.

That's all I said. What do you think of presence? And when I'm listening to the show, he said that I gave it an eight on ten. Lance, I was talking about the wolfman. I was not talking about. I thought you were talking about presents, man. And you all don't know the frustration. You guys cannot even begin to understand the frustration.

when my own word, right? Because our rating is our word. It's our bomb. That's right. It's being prostituted like that. And it's like it's for the wrong movie. I felt so helpless. Like I'm like,

because he said it a couple of times. Like, Pedro gave it an eight on ten. I'm like, that's the wrong fucking movie. You're here now to defend yourself. I know. I think I gave it an eight partially because of your rating.

Yeah. I will say that. I will say this. I thought presence, I didn't give it a high rating. I think I give it a 7.5, which is what you gave it, Philip. So we're on the same page. So I guess I go into my cool of the week.

I'll transfer into that because it really is what it is all this, watching all these films. So I'll start with the Wolfman. Now, and I'll go really fast. The Wolfman is not a deal. It's not a hill I'm going to die on. I completely understand why people hated that movie. Because it didn't really have a Wolfman.

Let's be real about it. There was nothing with the moon or silver bullets. Like, like, everything that has to do with the Wolfman, right? The criteria of the Wolfman wasn't met. That's true. He kind of changed every night, huh? Yeah, exactly. Kind of didn't change back.

This was more of a disease, right? I did like that Lee won't know try something different as far as, like, showing us that transformation piece, because we've never really seen that. We've never really seen what a human being goes through as they're transforming. mean and those and they're there will make some of human being is is leaving them right and and it's being replaced by some more primal so i like that i didn't think he did it in like i didn't think he hit the landing as the way he he showed us that but i did like that and so i feel like if it would have been named something else other than the wolfman people would have liked it a little more

um probably but even with that said maybe you know some of the characters were very paper thin too so that was that um and then there and then there and then there presence, all right? Again, not a hill I'm going to die on. I really enjoyed it. I like the family dysfunction because usually what we see in these horror movies, even like when real like psychologists

try to study like the haunted house or poltergeist phenomena, what they find is that it's actually the family dynamics that are like in this array, right? And that, they kind of project that into the house and then they start seeing shit. So I like that. You would have a better read on that than we would because of what you do for a living. So that makes sense.

Yes. That makes sense, though. Yeah, so usually there's a lot of family dysfunction. And then it projects itself as like a poltergeist or a haunting. And I thought this film tried to show that, which I really appreciate it. I really like what ends up being the villain of the movie, which is the kid, right, the young kid. Right. I thought his turn was pretty, like, it was awesome.

and just the way that he turns like that, and the way that he kills these young ladies, because essentially what it is is that he's a serial killer. They never tell you that. He's a serial killer. And he has this very unique thing that I've never seen where he doesn't asphyseate these women, right? He doesn't actually do the whole thing where he wraps around.

He, like, he fucks with them. He drugs them to where they're waking up, but not so much of where they could fight back. And then he does that thing with the plastic where eventually they just die because, you know, they can't breathe, right? I thought that was very creepy and very disturbing. The only thing I didn't like was that it was essentially a big setup for like the last 20 seconds of the movie. Like the entire movie's one big setup for just the last 20 seconds.

And I was like, that felt kind of jipped off right there. But it's a short movie, 70 minutes, you know, harmless watch. So I liked it. And then we're going to talk about companion a little bit. I guess I'll join the conversation when you guys bring it up. and then we're going to talk about hard ice, which is what we're here for. So, yeah, just... All right, man.

Good start to the year, then. Yeah, for sure. Which is different from other years, right? When we're dealing with, like, nights swimming, all this shit. So that's my cool of the week right there, just enjoying these great movies. Nice. All right, well, I'll jump in with my cool of the week, which is companion. I also did watch...

You guys ever seen The Voices? I think it's called The Voices. It's got Ryan Reynolds. Ryan Reynolds. Yeah. Yeah. With the heads in the refrigerator. I watched that for the first time.

Didn't even know that movie existed. And it's not bad. It's an interesting little watch. It's like kind of before they were famous almost. But then, yeah. And then I checked out Companion and had a really good time with that one. I like what they were saying. I was torn on who to root for.

you know, until about halfway to the movie. And then, but still, just the, the questions of AI and robots and stuff kind of lingers. And I like that. That was a lot of fun. Oh, and I did. I also watched another one called Coherence. Coherence. Yeah.

So it's this group of people who they're like having a little party. it's just a friend get together while there's some sort of meteor going over, like some sort of historic meteor. Okay. And like... I have seen this one.

The power goes out and they get stuck in some weird multiverse or time loop or something. And it's one of those trippy kind of films. And that was a lot of fun. I had a good time with that one. I mean, it's not the pretty good. production quality is not the best, but it's got a good story. That's the one where they like walk down to the neighbor's house and they look in the window

and it's actually their house and they're looking at themselves. Yeah. Yeah, that's a trip. Yeah, that little motif was in for a while, right? Like, maybe like 10 years ago because you had Triangle, that movie Triangle. Trying. That was a fun movie too. I love that one.

Yeah. Yeah, there's a movie time crimes as well, that Spanish movie. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you see that over and over. but they're always a fun time like you said I mean they're always because you start wondering what started this loop you know and then they're seeing

that sounds and it's like I love those movies I don't think there's enough of them I also saw a companion because Lance made it seem like we were all going to talk about it this week I also loved it I thought the cast

did a phenomenal job I'm starting to when I see Sophie Thatcher and Jack Quaid I'm starting to when I see them in a movie or in a cast, I'm already going to know I'm going to get good performances out of them. Yeah. I don't think the trailer really ruined much for me

because you get the reveal pretty early in the movie. Yeah. And, yeah, I agree with you, Pedro. I think this might be firmly in my top ten for the rest of the year. Holy shit. Yeah, no, I was going to say, like, kind of like what Brian is saying, like, if whatever you saw in the trailer,

because a lot of people were complaining that the trailer gives a lot of way and it would have been cool to see that first reveal without getting a spoiled by a trailer but there's more there's more. There's more. There was one in particular that I'm not going to say here later on that kind of like I was like what the fuck I was not expecting

that. And also I don't think this is a spoiler you know what I'm not going to say because I don't want to fuck with Lance but that's all right. Go ahead go ahead man. Well I felt like there was a pretty cool homage to like the Terminator 2 for some reason. Do you guys remember that?

Yeah, yeah. And that's all I was saying. It was awesome. Oh, I love that. They lowered somebody into some lava, huh? Well, but no, it's a great movie. To me, it's a nine on ten. I can't justify a tent because I have to see it again.

But it was damn near perfect. I love, it was a very different script, you know, the way you keep revealing things. Yeah, it was a good movie, really good movie. But just to have something different on Cool, the cool of the week. I watched the final episodes of Copacaya right before we started recording. Oh, those are own now. Okay. Yeah. So did it hit the landing, Brian? Did it hit the landing, you think? There was some things that I thought were going to happen at the end to, I'm not trying

to spoil anything, but I thought they could have set up the upcoming Karate Kid movie a little bit better. Gotcha. Because we know it's coming. wrapped up all the stories kind of hit me in the fields a couple places during the finale but there was a couple things I'm not going to say it missed the landing but

it could have did a little bit better job of setting up other things that they're planning on so is the new karate kid movie and a half characters from Kobra Kai in it just Ralph Machio oh okay that's it and well Jackie Chan from the reboot.

Okay. And the new, basically a new student. So a totally different story then. Yeah. Okay. And, yeah, that's pretty much all I got

as companion and a cobra kite. So, so Brian, did the, did the next karate kit show up? Can't say. Okay. All right. Well, we'll leave it to that.

All right. I'm going to take us off the rails, guys. Brian. I just saw my favorite musical of 24. You watched Wicked again? In 2024 was a very musical year, right?

Because you got fucking Wicked. You get a lot of musicals, right? They came out in 2024, and they were like singing from start to finish, like no break, like just bombarding you with song after song after song. You guys heard of this British pop singer named Robbie Williams. Does that name ring a bell?

Yes, no. Okay. So there's a movie called Better Man. And I'm looking at the cover of the movie, and I'm like, it's a fucking monkey on a Rolling Stone cover. And I'm like, what the fuck is this shit? I think I know what movie you're talking about. Dude, it's, it's a, I've never seen this before. It's a biopic film of a pop singer named Robbie Williams, who was a huge,

British pop singer. And it's basically his life story, but he's played the entire movie filled by a CGI monkey. Yeah, I've seen the previews to that. I thought this was going to be the biggest piece of shit ever. But it was perfect. Brian, it was the perfect musical, man.

Because you were a good 10, 15 minutes into the movie before the first musical act broke out. And I'm like, I see where we're going here now. Now I get it. But they roped you. They lured you in. They're like, okay, I want to know what the fuck's going on.

Why is this guy being played by a fucking CGI monkey? And what's the story? So it's actually the true story of this pop singer like from start to finish. He goes through some ups. He goes through some downs. There's lots of cocaine usage, lots of alcohol drinking, lots of having sex

with different spice groups. girls and shit like that. But it's all, I don't know, it just works, man. As a monkey. It just works. Somehow it fucking works. All these musicals that came out. And like you guys said,

or y'all know I love musicals, but I fucking hated wicked. I hated Joker too. They were just like so over the top. Like the minute they opened, they broke it into singing. And this was like just the right amount of musical numbers. And there was one number of,

in particular that was in the streets of London and like they were dancing through Piccadilly Circus when he was in his boy band and shit like that. It was just like super surreal. And I don't know. For me it works. So my cool of the week is Better Man. My favorite musical from 2024,

a year of musicals. So there you go. Can you hear me? And on that note, Brian's got a question. Can you hear me? or can Lance hear me? I don't think Lance

I hear you. Okay. Okay. You say things or you don't like things that are over the top, but a CGI singing monkey? That's what I'm saying. Dude, it should not have worked, right? There's no way that should have worked. If they had a fire in it, then it would be a thumbs down.

What if the fire was singing musicals? Well, now that's a horse of another color. Very possibly, Brian. Very possibly. But I don't know, man. It just, for me, it worked. For me, it worked. It just hit the right notes.

So, Pedro, do you like musicals? Any musicals at all? Like old Hollywood stuff or any of the newer stuff? Are you totally out? No, I'm out. Yeah. I'm dying on this hill alone. So that being said, Brian,

Do we have any horror headlines this week? Yes, we do. More casting news for Dexter Resurrection. Peter Dinklitz joins the cast. Are you just laughing because he's a little person? Yes. I'm just trying to figure out how he's going to fit into the Dexter timeline. Well, it happens after...

They're over-dexturing us, man. What the fuck is this? What do you mean by that? Like, what do you mean how he's an offense to the Dexter timeline? It's just, he's a human being. I don't know, dude. Honestly, man. Like, your question.

Wait. Okay. I'm having Dexter overload, Pedro. So we got the original series, which was good for the first half. And then the last two seasons fucking sucked. I think what you're asking. You're asking. Okay.

Okay. Okay. In my opinion, I think he has. has to play a mad scientist. I think that's you don't know what they're going to put a little person

into the script of Dexter. That might be what that's what I was that's what I was getting. He's going to be the mad scientist that gives him the little blood vials

where he could collect his little samples, you know? I'm telling you, Dick the porch is a mad scientist. Now it all makes sense. All right. Thanks for explaining it for me. Thank you.

for Pedro explaining it. He's got that big ass head, the wild crazy hair. Like it's perfect. Let's see. We also got some potential casting news for the Crystal Lake A24 Peacock series. Linda Cardellini

Lance is shaking his head. No, I'm just, I'm curious. Again, where the fuck is this going to fit into the Jason timeline? What do you mean? Just because she's a little person, Lance? Is she a little person?

Probably not. I mean, it's possible. She's half his wife. I way. Okay. All right. I just shaking my head over the whole Crystal Lake TV series concept. And then you say A-24 and Peacock in the same sentence.

I'm like, mind-blown. But, you know, hey, 21st century, man. Why not? peacock oh no those aren't the motherfuckers that started it it was CBS yes oh wait this you just reminded me

of some news peacock cancels another series cancel hysteria the satanic panic series yeah yeah well yeah with Bruce Campbell right

you know cancel well I never watched it yeah the people I know people I know that did watch it said it was really good. Yeah. Yeah, they had some love. I'm surprised they didn't let it keep going, but I guess it didn't have the ratings.

Sometimes you've got let those shows marinate. Yeah. Netflix would push a show in like four or five seasons before it started finding an audience. Then they went the opposite way. Now they cancel everything. Yes. Let's see.

Taylor Lottner is, you guys might know him best from Twilight as the werewolf. Well, he's going to be a werewolf hunter. Okay. In a series directed by radio silence. Okay. I mean... The year of the werewolf, Pedro.

That is looking for that payday. I'll tell that much. I don't think he's done anything of relevant since Twilight. I don't think so either. I was going to say this sounded like maybe he would like specifically search them out for a movie and said, listen, we're going to flip it on its head. I'm going to play a werewolf hunter. Hunter. Have you guys

seen him lately? Uh-uh. He's not all muscled up anymore. Not all jacked? Well, I listen, you can't stay on steroids that long. Let's see. Socy Bacon set the star in an R-rated haunted doll

horror comedy called Brett. She was great in smile, right? What has she done since then? I don't know. I'm trying to think. Not much. She needs to be in the Tremors TV series that they've been teasing.

She's got that bacon money, so she doesn't really have to do much, you know? True, true. Bringing in the bacon. And then another dolls, like, we're going to get overloaded with these doll movies guys. That's a lot of dolls and a lot of AI, right, Pedro?

This Megan beat a dick. produced all these clones and now we're stuck. What do you all think this new Megan movie's going to do? I'm going to predict from the possible synopsis that I read about it, Lance is going to fucking hate this movie. Oh, no. Well, he's got to hate it anyway. I like the first one. I like the first. That's true.

You're going to say this movie's too over the top. Hmm. CGI monkeys are wrong. what? No, no musicals. Okay. Let's see. Wolf Creek Legacy set to hit theaters in 2026.

Theater as you say, they're going to give it us. That's weird. They never give those movies theatricals anymore. Yeah, I was going to say nothing about that description that you read, like it went straight in one ear and out the other. I didn't catch any of it. Yeah, this is through the

studio Cineverse that did a terrifier. and is putting the new toxic adventure movie in the theater this year. All right. Well, maybe they'll do something then. Yeah, with Lance Boy, Peter Dinklage, playing the toxic adventure.

That's right. They might be under something. How does he fit in that timeline, though? It's the little timeline. I'm not really seeing any really big news. We got casting news for the Apple TV Cape Fair series. No, all right, I'll shut up. Little news, big news, what?

Amy Adams and Javier Bardem are going to be in the Cape Fair series on Apple TV. What the fuck? Man, they're fucking done some big money, man. These guys are going to come cheap. No shit. Did they need another Cape Fear? I mean, seriously? What does this be like the third or fourth one?

Pedro but like a series is is where I'm is what throws me off I'm like out like you're gonna work this to a whole series it's gonna get old what are you gonna say that you haven't said in those two movies I mean I think eight episodes yeah unless you're gonna reimagining is he gonna see I think we're alone now oh yeah yeah I mean I'm sure it'll be a total

reimagining but like it just seems like like a yeah i mean they're going to have to have more than just that stick i would hope so yeah you're going to get to that turn by episode two and then the rest of i know you're going to really have to drag that out right is he going to show him in chasing each other around three episodes i think that is all for the news i'm not seeing any big news here all right i'm going to say something right now it's going to be very inside but i don't care Okay. And this is all I'm going to say, okay?

I really, really, really enjoyed last week's show. I thought it was like the entertainment. Okay. And it was awesome. Okay. Thank you, man. That's what I mean. It really was like, you know, there's thousands.

There's maybe even millions of podcasts, right? So you have to. Sure. Sometimes we don't have the resources to compete with those podcasts. So what we do is we use what we have. And that form of entertainment, can be bought i had a good time i had a really good time you know what i had a pretty good time too yeah like i was like i was laughing it was it was a good time you know and you know we'll leave it at

that very nice very nice all right well that being said pedro are you ready to go down to the trailer park yep let's go all right brian is going to bring us the big the small they're very, very weird. What's our first new trailer this week, Brian? Our first and only trailer is Borderline, a new psychological horror comedy written and directed by Jimmy Warden and starring Samara Weaving

and Ray Nicholson, Jack Nicholson's son. I like the guest. Pedro. What'd you think? I didn't get to watch it because I was stuck in traffic. Okay. Oh! That's what I was.

You're supposed to watch it, dude, when you're sitting in traffic. Phil, what'd you think? I'm cautiously optimistic. Like, cast is awesome. I'm kind of loving what Ray Nicholson is putting out there. But the way that this trailer is cut up could be totally different than what the movie is. It's a great trailer.

Okay. But it's obvious. by somebody who knows what they're doing when it comes to putting the trailers together, you know what I mean? So it might not fit the mood of the movie. But maybe it does. I think it looks really good. I'm excited about it. Lance?

I was so disappointed with Samara Weaving's most recent performance last year. You were disappointed in her performance or the movie. I didn't hate that. She just didn't have a lot of lines. Yeah, but it was. more than just not having the lines. I just, I don't know, I didn't love the movie. Yeah. Can you not hear me, Lance? Yeah. What did you think, right?

I feel like I'm asking you questions and you're not answering any of them. Oh, okay. Hold on. Let me, let me get everything set up here a little better. Turn up my volume. That should work. All right. Adjust those headphones a little bit. Yes. I can hear you now. Do you hated her performance or you hated the movie? I didn't hate the movie. I just. was nonplussed by it. How about that? I wasn't super.

I thought it was going to be amazing, right? I thought it was going to be super awesome. And I was kind of like, ah. Well, you said you were disappointed by her. Yeah, see, I went in and expecting. You know what? Actually, I kind of was. Yeah, I kind of was disappointed.

I wanted to get that crazy Samara weaving. And I think we're going to get that in this one. What if we don't? Then I'll be a show of favorite no more. disappointed. No, I'll be disappointed, but she'll still be on the... I have a one-man boycott outside of Samara Weaving's office.

Well, I enjoyed the trailer. I think it's going to be a nice psychological horror comedy. I like the cast. I like Ray Nickle... Jack... What is it? Ray Nicholson. I was going to say Jack Nickson. He looks so much like his

dad. Yeah, but like when I first heard his voice and the trailer started, I almost thought it was Jack Black for a second. Jack Black? Yeah. I can see it. Okay. So, I don't know. But it was a pleasant surprise. I was like, oh, that's the Nicholson kid.

Yeah, I think he's going to do a great job. And he has a great crazy face. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I definitely did that in smile too, right? And it looks like we're going to get some other players in here other than him being the crazy one. So, looking forward to it. It's by the same guys that did Cocaine Bear, which wasn't really, I don't think it was a good movie. So it wasn't a huge hit. It was written by the same people that wrote Cocaine Bear. And then it was like produced by somebody else.

Like, I feel like the credits that they threw out there were not necessarily flattering. I know, an indication of what we're going to get. It's produced by Margot Robbie's company, which is funny because her and Samara Wee and are always constantly compared to each other. Interesting. So does Harley Quinn get to show up then? I don't think so. I think she's done playing Harley Quinn. Yeah, I think this is, yeah, we're going to get into different characters. Okay.

All right. I hope it's good. I hope it's as good as the trailer is because the trailer is great. Yeah, trailer's really great. We'll find out soon, March 14th. Okay. That's it.

Oh, I thought I wanted to talk about. I completely forgot about it. I want to, I want to bring to the table because I'm just a guest on this show. The idea for this week's or this week's, this year's March Madness. Oh, we're getting close. We better hurry and figure that shit out, dude.

It's halfway through February, man. So here's what I propose. So many years ago, it might have been the first one, because I've been at all of these, and I wasn't in this one. So it had to be the first one. You guys did best horror villain for that year's tournament, and somehow Darth Vader won, which is a honesty of justice.

Oh, trust me, we heard from a few people. Yeah, that was my nomination, by the way, so you can blame me for that. Yes. So we're going to go. That's the past. We could just look to the future. That's what we're focused on.

So we're going to run that back, but except we're going to call it the best horror icon. Because all these fucking. Okay. They actually become icons. So this year's going to be a little different. We're going to have judges like we do every year. Except they're not going to be able to give us horror icons because they'll run out. There's only a few of them.

You know, I'm going to try to scrunge up at least 24 to 32, which is going to be hard, but I think I could do it. You got Jason, you got Candyman, you got Freddy, okay. And there is going to be some criteria. There's going to be, they have to be a horror icon. None of the sci-fi shit. It has to have horror elements. So we're not going to have the T-800.

No, Luke Skywalker, huh? Yeah. Oh, Darth Vader, you mean. So, so. Listen, Terminator, the first Terminator is a horror movie. Yeah, but it's all, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, considered a horror movie though. I guess so. And the weird-ass rules.

So yes, so it's going to be very much established to say horror icon. Okay, so Godzilla's not a horror icon. You know, Darth Vader's not a horror Pokemon. Godzilla? I disagree. No, bro. It's a kaiju. That's what it is. I bet he was terrifying to those little Japanese people underneath his feet. That's right.

We'll never know because you know where they're at. So, yeah, so that's what I proposed. The judges are going to obviously get to vote, right? We're going to do the brackets like we do every year. And then this year's going to be a little different too, because since we're going to know the participants very early, I'm going to be able to make polls on the Hore Returns Facebook page, and they're also going to have a vote.

So for example, if it's Freddie versus Leatherface, maybe like three weeks before we record the show, I'll put the poll up, and if Freddie wins, then that's one vote for Fred. already going into the show. So, because we're going to have the results, right? Oh, wow. Okay. That sounds complicated, but if you can you and Brian work it out?

Because I'm out. I can't figure this shit out. The audience are going to have one vote. That's really what it comes down to because they're all going to vote on their polls, on the polls that we put up. And then once we get there on the matchup, but we're recording the winner of the polls, are we going to have one vote?

And then the judges are going to decide the actual winner, right? So what's the criteria on the horror icon part like? Oh, it has to, it has to have at least, they have to have at least two sequels. So part one, two and three. But then like, like who went, like, if you go Freddie versus Jason, which I'm sure is going to be the final bout. Like, never say never, dude. Well, what about, oh, what would the thing? What do you go, body count?

Whatever, whatever the judge's discretion, whatever they want to. push maybe the quality of the movie maybe iconic the kills how they kill whatever they want and one cool thing about this tournament is that because they have so many movies it's going to keep the conversation fresh because usually what happens with these tournaments you know like for example best kill right which we've had best kill whoever advocates for that kill they're constantly talking about the same kill so by the third round we're

completely out of gas okay they're like yeah yeah I vote for the shower scene for the reasons I said in the previous rounds right It always happens in our shows. Like they just, people run out of gas, understandably so. What else are you going to say about the shower scene, right? But with this tournament, Freddie, you can talk about part one round. You could talk about part three on the next round, and you could continuously advocate for them

and bring up different scenes from different movies. So it should keep the conversation fresh going all the way through the tournament. You know? So, yeah, so that's kind of what I propose. I think it'll be fun. I've been part of the last, like, six of them. I mean, everything from like best grindhouse picture, best elevator, elevated horror movie we did one year, best kill. Yeah, man, we've done them all.

We did the best, worst movie tournament one year where I think Bredemic one, I think. Bredemic one. All right. So how are we going to roll this out? Brian, you're usually our logistics guy. So how's this going to be between you and me? I don't know why you put so many hats on my head. What am I supposed to do now?

I'm out on this one. Pedro, can you just spearheaded or how are we going to do this? I'll spearheaded. I'll volunteer. We don't have to talk about the specifics now because we don't want to bore the audience. I'm just presenting the concept. But I'll spearhead it. I'll create the tournament sheet.

Yeah, no, I like it. I like it. I mean, Lance, you've already reached out to some people. Hopefully some already accepted. And then, you know, yeah, on that day, it all makes sense. Okay. And then you guys come up with the day too Because I'm not going to book the date for everyone

Because that's weird Oh yeah no problem Yeah whatever Someday in March I guess because we always do them in March The only other thing I know we have to do in March Or April at least is Mad God, right Brian? For Lars

Well I'm looking at the movie release schedule March might be pretty open Okay There you go So what do y'all want to shoot for little behind the scene stuff well we'll we'll talk about it after

we have a good one later we have a good show okay sure somebody's like get to the fucking movie reviews well that's all right because what I've started what I've started doing is putting those out separately on YouTube in case you guys want to go check them out that's a playlist wonderful

there you so we got it so we got our so we got our March Madness pick we're going to figure out how we're getting the vote out and on to the show. All right. Actually, it's on to listener feedback. This week, we shine the podcast spotlight on Alone in the Dark. Podcast Monthly, oh, well, that's probably not the bonus shows, but that's the link that I got.

So lock your doors, but tell your friends, it's, sorry. Alone in the Dark podcast. Lock your doors, but tell your friends to tune into this podcast party with. Mike and Marty. Mike and Maddie, my bad. But it would have worked out better if your name is Marty. Sorry. Not Marty make fly, right?

That never ends. We ruinate and reminisce about great horror films that have inspired us throughout our lives. The door's always open. Come on in. Just turn the lights off first. Ooh, that sounds sexy. All right, Alone in the Dark podcast.

Check them out. Sometimes I like to be alone in the dark. All right. And we got Matt Wood, who says, listening back to the commentary we did, laughed out loud a fair few times. The amount of what the fucks was next level. Sorry again, guys. I punished myself. I punished you by watching Pink Flamingos.

I'm now going to punish myself by watching the fucks. final destination not as bad as a punishment but you get my drift yeah i was super fucked up during that movie man that was i think you got up and left at one point i i had to take a break because i needed a puke basket it was not good i don't know if that was the movie or the whiskey or but it was fun uh definitely a once-on-a-lifetime opportunity uh never never again philip is that probably not you're not glad i did it the steel book yeah it's like it's like jumping in the frozen water got to do it once but never again Okay. Scott Crawford, freaking night swim. Just don't go in the effing pool.

Well, easier said than done. You guys are never going to let me off the hook. Brian told me how to pass this year. We weren't going to break that baby up again. I didn't say from our listeners. Not us. That's true. Can't make promises for everybody else. Let's see In regards to the Nightbreed Horror Returns T-shirt

David Barta says, love the new design. Yes, we do too. Thank you, Steve Carlton. In regards to Adrian Barbeau, Nathan Wattacrock. I don't think that's his real name.

Probably. Says She's an awesome actress. in regards to puppet master two. Mark Komarzynski says this is my favorite entry in the puppet master franchise, I think. And Torch is my favorite evil puppet. He just looks like he means business. Yeah, I can see that.

All right. I would go with three, but that's just me. Three takes place in Germany, like Nazi Germany. And it's like a time period movie. It's pretty good, actually, for the budget. I can't ever separate those movies in my I don't know how many of them there are. Is that where they introduced a six-shooter one? Yeah, yeah.

Okay. That's it. Yeah. All right. In regards to the monkey, Bort? Says, I guess. Says, I don't know, B-O-R-D.

My name's not Bart, man. It's Bort. I'm so down. for a good horror comedy. The monkey looks like it'll spank my expectations. That sounds like a Bort comment. Yeah. Funny, very funny. In regards to The Shining,

Kevin Kelly says the book is awesome, but I despise Coogart for insulting and disrespecting Stephen King. So did Stephen King, apparently. I was going to say, is that Stephen King right in under someone else? Yes. Kevin Kelly, we know your real identity.

In regards to the night fire, Mark Komarzinski says, cool film, the unique vampire design, an equally unique concept. Plus, the late great Miguel Ferrar playing one of the most arrogant and aggressive dicks ever to be put to celluloid. I enjoy it. Two thumbs up from me. Hey, Dave Barter, that's one we haven't done. That's a good point. If he's listening.

Never seen it. Dave, you better be listening, dude. We still need your picks, man. All right. Well, that is listener feedback. Our intro and new logos come from Steve Carlton, as aforementioned above, from the geeks. Be on the lookout for some more great stuff from him. And, of course, our original skull artwork comes from Natsulani, which is still as awesome as it was the day she made it.

And if you'd like to help us out, please consider becoming a Patreon. on patron. We'll let you pick the movies for a feature show at any amount. And for $5 a more a month, also pick a commentary for a future bonus show. And it will be awesome because you can come on and talk to us about it. All right, on to our featured attractions. We get in the mood for love. That's weird. With the new heart eyes. Did you write this shit, Philip, or what? I did not. I'm in the mood for love.

react to it as I read it. And 2001's Valentine. A lot of guest appearances in that one that I didn't expect. Right. It was very 2001. Let's just put it out with it. Yeah. Somebody was definitely training for Gray's anatomy, right?

Oh, yeah, exactly. I was like, wait a minute. I don't know that person. Right. All right. We'll start with Valentine from 2001. Why is it that the one day of the year? He loves me not. Everyone is afraid to be alone.

He loves me. Is Valentine's Day? He loves me not. He loves me. Hello? Do someone want to be my Valentine? Five women are stalked by an unknown assailant while preparing for Valentine's Day. in a little cherub mousk

because that's how they work. Director is Jamie Blanks, also known for Urban Legend. That makes sense. Oh, okay. Writers are Tom Savage, Donna Powers. Donna Powers,

that's not a real name. And Wayne Powers. Oh, okay. All right. Wayne's World. At a cost of $10 million, this is the cheapest film to ever have.

have a Super Bowl spot. This had a Super Bowl spot. Oh, wow. Okay. I'm going to say it's 10 or 15-20-second one. Yeah, maybe. Well, that was that expensive back then either. Yeah.

So, $10 million of this film's budget. $10 million of this film's budget went to a fucking Super Bowl ad. All right. Wow. Pedro, what did you think about Valentine? Man, like I said, it was so 2001, so many, some of these cast members, I was like, oh, yeah, I remember that. I remember that.

Yeah, sure, sure. When I was a young man discovering my sexuality, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Denise Richards? Yeah. You know what? It was funny, though, because she was very young at this point, but she already had, like, that very, like, stretched out face.

Like, she had, like, one expression throughout the entire movie. and that made it very much. Yeah, her expression is, I have boobs. Yes. This movie was weird. Most of all, the tropes are all very 80s Slashers style, right? Very 80s. You have the beginning where they make fun of the kids.

Sometimes it's a woman, sometimes it's a guy. And then the slasher comes back and kills whomever was in that crowd one by one. Watch rinse repeat. That was the whole 80s way of doing their slasher movies. But this movie, what it is, is that it was very mean. This is a very mean-spirited movie in a lot of ways.

First of all, the script, it's a very misogynist movie. It treats all the, like, none of the women are likable. That's good point. Black Christmas. Like, they're fighting over, like, who's sleeping with who, and they're calling each other, like, hos, and they're supposed to be best friends, right? Like, this is a French group, and they're putting each other down. Right.

And I'm thinking, man, the writer must hate women. But then the guys get it just as bad because they're just like, they're just like sex objects. They're little sex objects. So that was weird to see, right? Because, I mean, I don't think this movie would fly nowadays, you know, with the woke movement nowadays. It just won't fight. I don't think because they're fighting over like, oh, you slept with him and you're jealous because I'm sleeping with this guy. That shit will never go away.

You got soap operas. You've got these fucking dramas that people. watching their cell phones. All these women are airheads, Lance, they're all airheads. Remember? Yeah, I guess. They have this exchange where one guy, one of the girls is like, you let them into your house, you barely met him. And then the other one's like, well, you didn't know Adam was an alcoholic when you met him. And oh, yeah, they kept fucking hash with him. Yeah, and then they told Denise Richards, you barely know any man before you fuck him. Oh, that's true. That's true. And she's like, yeah, you're right. The best line of this movie, the best line of this movie is when they're in the cop and the detective's office and they're going through that 901 Windows 95 fucking Macintosh. You know, and they're going, he has a picture of Jeremy Milton, right? And he's doing a lot of different ways.

Yeah, how he could look now. Yeah, I think, I think one of the girls is like, do you have another picture? And then the detective looks so fucking annoyed. And he looks at her. Yeah. You dumb, I had one, I would be using it, you know? I know.

He doesn't say that. He doesn't tell her a dumb bitch, but he's thinking it. So all the women in this movie are all Eric Haynes. There's no, there's no, like, intelligent quality about any of them. They all get dup. The guys are just sex objects. They have no character development.

One of them are, yeah. I think, I think it's implied that one of them is gay because he can't get his dick hard to, to fuck that one girl. and he's all a shit. Remember that four lens? Yeah. They were like about to get it on

and then the next scene they're both laying in the bed like, um-de-d-d-dum-dum. And then the boss-ling... I thought it was because he finished too fast. Either or, either or. And then she's like, no, it's okay, but you could tell she's really pissed,

you know, because this whole movie's, up all about just sex. It's okay. It's okay. And then she just gets up. And then he's scheming. He's going to rob some money from her. Anyways,

there's a whole thing. Right. So that was weird. Now, one thing this movie... Very weird. Now, one thing people need to watch this movie if you haven't. It's a cold classic.

So a lot of people already watched it. But the kills are fucking awesome in this movie. Like the setups. Like when they kill that one girl from Grey's Anatomy, in the beginning, I love how she's in the morgue. What she's doing in the morgue, we don't really know it. She just works there for some reason.

Well, no, she was training to be a doctor, right? So she had studied. When the morgue workers work. Yeah. So if they did it as they kill the one with the brains, they killed her first. It's essentially what happened. And so I love the part where she, but look, but how much brains could she have? She decides to hide in a fucking bag, you know, in those, in those bags they put on, on, on, on, on.

that's her biggest plan. Remember the killer's like stabbing every fucking body. That whole scene kind of irritated me to be honest. I was like, okay, first she wouldn't have time to get in there. I know. Right. Where did that happen? And it's like, and then eventually he finds her.

And it's like, it was weird because when I used to seeing these kind of like dumb moves by these women anymore, it's day filmmaking, right? It's more sophisticated. They're more intelligent. So he opens the bag and she's just in there. And then he just... And then he just kills her.

And I like how he just sims it back up, too. Like, here's another... My question is, what happened to the body that was in that bag to begin with? They didn't explain that, did they? And then I like the scene where they kill that other girl. I think her name was Lily, where they kill her in the art gallery, where she's surrounded by all these screens.

And then there's this one voice that's like, love me, love me, love me, love me, like over and the lips talking over and over again. And then the killer, which is, I guess, is Cupid, right? Supposed to be Cupid with the mask. Sure. With the bow and arrow. Yeah, it's it with the bow and arrows. In front of everybody, by the way.

They don't even try to make sense of how this guy's doing it. I was going to say, this didn't show up on a police report or something. The next day they're just like, well, she never came off. home. Yeah, because the detective's also kind of a dumb fuck himself, you know, he's just kind of there later on, they cut his head off. And so, um, the third act. He's trying to get, he's trying to get with Denise Richards the whole time, you know? That's right. That's right. That's another, that's just like everybody, everybody go ahead and go, Denise Richards, stay back. You stay here. Let's talk about what's going on between us. And she's like,

what the fuck are you talking about? And he was like, you know. You know what? You know what? She doesn't 100% like reject them either. Yeah. I know. She's leading her on. She's like, you're right. I'm a slut. She's like the one chick from Sex and the City, the horny one.

Right? Yeah. Exactly. The older one? That's exactly who she is. All right. Kim Patrol. I mean, they're all horny. They're all horny, though. Because the reason why David Borianz, or whatever his fucking name is, the reason why he's able to infiltrate their little inner circle is because that all they want is dick

like all of them and they're all jealous of each other that entire movie is them being jealous of each other as to how one is getting a particular dick and the other one isn't that's literally the whole thing right that's a good point

wow where they have little arguments about it so the third act is where it gets really wonky somehow somehow the one of the girls gets up ends up in the Cupid outfit and she gets killed. Sure. And it is in the cliffhanger where David Boreans' like nose is bleeding.

Oh, because we didn't say. Yeah, what's with the nose bleeding the whole time? When he was a little kid and he was under stress, his nose would start to bleed. Okay. And that first scene, when they're when they're punking him out, his nose starts to bleed. So that was the whole thing. Yeah. Oh, here's another.

He obviously hit the gym after that, right? Or hit the steroids. That's what they say. But I'll tell you another thing that cannot go on set in today's. the era that we live in, the Pulsification era that we live in. This movie is also very fatphobic. It's very fatphobic.

Fatphobic? Yeah, because there's the scene of the movie. Because remember, what's the name of the main girl? What's her name? I forget the characters. Pedro's killing me, dude. The one that was chubby, right?

Oh, from the beginning? Yeah. Wait, which one was that? at the end was that the girl from the rich one the the rich one that was that was in gray's and adam like i'm the fat one you're the smart one yeah yes and she's like i'm i'm i'm the fat one and it starts crying and then and then i think that it's one of then is richer so the other one you're just big bone you're just big bone so she was a little chunky huh when she was in high school girl you just big boned don't worry about that

So they have that entire scene, a very melodramatic scene where she breaks down because she's, quote, unquote, the fat one of the group. Okay. And she's not even like what I would consider quote unquote fat, right? And so imagine, imagine a younger girl at that time watching that movie. And I'm like, what the fuck? I'm kind of chunky. And she's saying she's chunky, but she's not really chunky. What does that make me?

You know, so this is a very weird movie. It makes you a fucking whale. It's so un-PC. This movie's very un-PC when it comes to a lot of this shit. But with all that said, I didn't, I was never bored. It was okay, I guess. Yeah. You didn't hate it, huh?

I didn't hate it. I mean, I didn't love it, but I didn't hate it. Is that what fatphobic is? I don't think that's what fat bobic is. No? What I'm saying that the writers don't really like fat people. I gotcha. Yeah.

All right. From the fat-bomic activist perspective. I got you. All right, so who's next? I'll give my rating after you guys do. It's okay, Pedro. You're not fat. All right.

Let's, what do you think? I don't even know where to go from there. Pedro just, like, summed up the whole movie. I really did. That was really good. Honestly, that was like Rotten Tomatoes. reviewing a five minutes short. You know what I'm saying?

Like something they never would have taken on. So I don't know what to say. I mean, I guess I kind of, fuck. Hard to say after that, man. Hard to follow up. It was corny as hell. Yeah, you got a lot of people that you've seen in other stuff. I kind of enjoyed the arrow scene like, right,

where they would shine the camera on the point of the arrow. And like, you know, you kind of like, like Pedro saying. you get some pretty decent original kills in here but yeah this it was it was really kind of stupid from start to finish there wasn't a lot to love about this movie besides the fact that there's some people that got big careers later so ah i don't have to say Pedro said it all what do you think right i thought this was a fun little slasher movie um it's a classic tale of fuck around and find out. I mean, they all the girls

make fun of this kid. The boys come and stomp his ass out after they strip him naked. Of course he grew up to be a serial killer. And then they send him to reform school and then they send him to a site ward for who knows what he's in. And then

they imply, they never say this, but they imply that he set his parents on fire for whatever. See, all right. I've known a lot of crazy motherfuckers, and I'm cool with all of them for that reason. Yeah. And somehow this kid grows up to be David Boreannis. Yeah.

Which I don't know what kind of technology they had in 2001 with the software, the facial recognition or whatever. Right. Because they just kept enlarging his forehead. He was like, does he look familiar now? Yeah, it didn't look at all like him. like you came man I had fun with the kills it's been a while since I've seen this movie

because I remember Catherine Hegel being in the movie a lot more than she was it was basically Drew Barrymore heard like they did in Scream they killed her off immediately Was Catherine Hegel Somebody before this movie came out? I don't think so

No I don't think so She was in one of the child's play movies But I think that was after this movie Yeah. Because I forgot she was in. Pride of Chucky, maybe. Yeah. And the kill that I remember the most was the Denise Richard one in the hot tub with the drill.

Yeah, of course. Well, that's got to be a major kill. She is. She's the big name in the movie. She is nice to look at, but she is hard to listen to. Oh. Well, she was a scientist in a James Bond movie. You remember?

Yeah, Dr. Christmas or something. I thought Christmas only comes once a year. That's it. But I had a big problem with the finale when it was when they took the mask off the killer and it was Dorothy's a quote-unquote fat girl. Yeah, that's cheesy. She had nothing covering her mouth. At no point could she speak out saying I'm not the killer. Oh, I didn't even think about that.

Well, I mean, remember, there are airheads. And I think that was done on purpose, even though we're not going to. You think so? Well, Pedro pointed out that they killed the smart one immediately all, so they didn't have no one to figure out who the killer was. So they didn't have any brains. And another name that I completely didn't, for God, was in this, was Marley Shelton, Officer Judy from the screen movies. Ends up being the final girl.

Okay. Well, there were actually two people from Gray's Anatomy in this movie, right? Because you had Heigel and then the other one. It was like Dr. Arizona, something. Yeah, that was supposed to be the fat one, right? Yeah. No, no, my wife has started watching the, god damn it, gossip girl again. Oh, no.

And so I am praying for Grey's Anatomy to come back. Gossip Girl was so fucking horrible, dude. I hate that way. X-O, X-O, Gossip Girl. I'm like, all right, let's, Gray's Anatomy, put it on. all day. I don't care. Yeah. You get me great. But other

than the ending I had a problem with, I thought this was a decent fun little slasher, a little holiday slasher. Because I don't, there's not too many Valentine theme or good ones, at least, slasher movies. Yeah, I mean, the other one is the two my

bloody valentines, you know, the original and the remake. The remake is really good as small. Yeah, the 3D one. Yeah. Yeah, Pedro really, Pedro really made me rethink because I kind of enjoyed this movie for those stupid kills and stuff

Brian until Pedro reminded me of No you Pedro you reminded me how stupid that opening scene was with the body bags Like how the fuck does she have time To hide in the body bag

And what the fuck they do with the body? It was in the fucking body bag And the one was The one was The one kill that was brought up The one at the art gallery It's a simple kill with shooting the arrows, but it was done

like super violently the way she's getting hit with the arrows, and then she falls over the banister. And it comedically falls into the dumpster. That's right. Yeah, because they have it just... Because her artist trash!

Yeah, they have it just by them saying that she went to L.A. and she never came back or whatever. That's good. So she had to find out. Yeah. That's what happens. Everybody who goes to L.A., right, Pedro? That's what it seems like, yeah. I'm a native, so I could talk shit. I'm not, I don't know what they call transplants.

Bill, what do you think? Yeah, I thought it was a very timely holiday horror slasher movie. And that is the perfect description of this, because that is exactly what it is. But it was kind of fun to go back and watch some of those big characters, you know. um the the the main chick to denise richards in particular because uh she's dr christmas dr christmas um yeah i didn't i didn't i didn't hate it as much as i thought i was going to when i started the movie okay and so it was kind of a good little blast of nostalgia because i was like oh i remember when this came out sure um

not a great movie but I didn't hate it so there's that not the exorcist is it no yeah yeah no this one's not one in any awards or anything but uh but for for a fun

um holiday slasher movie that has some nostalgia packed in with some characters that you have forgot about you know uh this this is a fun one for that in case you haven't watched it in 20 years Valentine which most people probably haven't let's be honest

all right scores Pedro what do you think this was such a like us it's also very simplistic right there's nothing to this movie it's literally everything we talked about you know you introduce the victims you introduce the center and you just work your way through them so it went by fat it went by fast, dude. It was like

an hour long, right? It's a very harmless movie. It's got some good tropes. I'm going to go 7 on 10 on this one. Damn. Nice. Yeah. So that's where I'm going to. And also, I get these movies

cannot be made anymore because of the culture that we live in. You can't have these dunces running around getting killed one by one. Yeah, you can if they're dudes. That's true. fell up. So seven on ten.

Seven on ten. All right. Get in, get out. I like it. Right. Well, Lance, you were next. What do you think? I'll give it a five. It's like right in the middle. You sound like you don't want to give it a five.

All to a fit, stradler. Five. Like I said, this is a fun movie to watch. there's the we didn't even talk about the dialogue there's a scene where denise richards denise richards again is taken up to a room at the party and the guy pulls his pants down and he's like i don't know if anybody even talks like this he's like waxed right yeah he said wax it then she forced the candle waxed well and i love that she acted like she was so insulted that it happened i'm like bitch you went up

What did you think was going to happen? I know. I think I agree with Pedro. I think this is a seven. Damn. This is the next classic. I mean, it is a, believe it that, this

thing does have a fan base. I mean, it is. Man, aren't the clown eat your heart out, huh? It's not surprising. It's got a lot of crazy things that happen with some really big name actors and actresses like before they were big

and with that with the cast and the music and some of the dialogue it's a piece of that time period that early 2000 sure oh it is 100% dated it is time stamped is it by a lot

a lot of that new metal right the new metal that was yeah yeah yeah but I and kind of because of that I I think I'm going to go 6.5 instead of a 7, but like, I liked this way more than I thought I was going to like this when I turned it on. I get it. Yeah, like, I turned this on and I was like, fucking another stupid horror holiday bullshit movie.

And this one was actually kind of a good time. Yeah, a wonderful knife. It wasn't. So that's good. Oh, yeah. Thank God. Right. All right.

We'll move on to our 2025 movie Heart Eyes. For the past two years, a masked maniac known as the Heart Eyes killer has stalked, hunted, and brutally slain couples on Valentine's Day. With no motive yet uncovered. This is more than just order. He's like Cupid with a kink. We're being chased by a fucking serial killer. Which just seems like a terrible name, but whatever.

It really is. Kind of like hard on. For the past several years, the heart-eyes killer has reeked traffic. Like, you have to say it slowly. Otherwise, has wreaked havoc on Valentine's Day by stalking and murdering romantic couples. Valentine's Day or this Valentine's Day no couple is safe

director is Josh Rubin also known for Werewolves Within and Scare Me Writers are Philip Murphy Christopher Landon and Michael Kennedy The two detectives investigating the heart-eyes killer murderers Are named Hobbs and Shaw a reference to Fast and Furious which they make

very obvious. The screen the screenwriters confirmed that they had always been the case or that had always been the case even before Jordana Brewster who has played a large role

in the series was brought on as Detective Schoff. Was she in this movie? Yeah, she was the detective. Oh, that makes sense. All right, that didn't click. But they're saying they decided even before they picked her. I'm like, stupid joke.

Or so they say. Or so they say, right? All right. Pedro, what did you think about heart eyes? I think another one that I really enjoyed. It wasn't perfect, and I was, you know, I thought at times it was a little too silly for my taste, like, as far as, like, the narrative. Oh, they definitely went silly. a couple times. Yes.

And it was, but I could see what they were doing. I could see that they're fans of the genre. So that's always nice because you're going to, you could feel that in a movie when somebody's actually a fan and they're just trying to make a good movie because they're fans. Rather than just seeing a studio picture. So I enjoy that. We're not going to get into spoilers yet,

but there's a couple questions as far as characters, especially in the third act, where I think the third act really falls apart for a lot of reasons, which we'll get to in spoilers. But and then also just the progression of things because the hard-eyed killer, right, which whatever, you know, what a... First of all, how do they know why would they call? I guess it does leave like a calling card, right? The killer does leave a calling card. That's how they called.

Yeah, it does, I remember now. It does leave a calling card. But just the fact that it seems to catch up to the people that we're following. Like, that's a big coincidence right there. You know what I'm saying? because it's hard-ice killer starts stuff as his national... That's all I have to swallow, right? Yeah, because it starts stuff as this big national threat, right?

Oh, the hard-ice killer is, you know, it's in Seattle, and it's in another place I forgot where, but... Yeah. All the headlines flashing at the beginning. Right. So it just so... And then we're following this character, our main lead, our two main leads, and then it just so happens to latch on to them, which I whatever.

And then later on, it gets more ridiculous because they just so have... I don't know. We'll talk about it doing... I can't say much with this movie without getting to spoilers. Yeah, good point. But all I know, it worked for me. Some of the jokes landed. Some of them didn't.

I like some of the kills. The van kill was awesome, which they ruined by in the fucking trailer. Yeah, I know. I know. Yeah, and I thought at times it was a really creepy movie, just because I thought that hard ice was really good. You know, I thought it was Kane Hodder underneath it for a while, just his movements or whatnot.

So for now, before we go into spoilers, I'm going to say that it worked for me, even though at times it got too silly. so I wouldn't call it a perfect movie but it's a movie that I enjoyed watching and I'm excited because they got a theatrical these movies don't really get theatricals anymore so yeah so I really enjoyed it

all right Lance what do you think I really had fun with this I went into this movie thinking I was going to absolutely hate it because I thought the mask was fucking stupid right like I saw the trailers and I saw the like eyes with the lights and stuff I'm like, this is ridiculous. But what I loved about this movie was the way they...

Because, all right, guys, I watch a lot of rom-coms. I'm a married man. That's right. I have to give equal time to the wife. Look, I watch 31 fucking Christmas movies every fucking Christmas, and half of them are hallmarked shit, okay? So, and you guys know me. I like musicals, right?

I'm straight, but I like musicals, okay? I don't like over the top musicals like Joker fucking two. You threw that in there. All right. I really love the way that this movie paid homage to rom-coms. I thought it was clever.

I thought it was original. And I've never really seen it before. I've never seen a horror movie like this. Like you said, like you guys said, there aren't that many Valentine's movies. And the ones we do get are normally like, you know, like the, the killer in the mind shaft that's like, you know,

killing people, you know, brutally and stuff like that. But this to me was extremely original. It played great homage to rom-coms. It had all those beats. It even had an airport scene. Not to spoil it. But God damn it, every fucking rom-com has an airport scene. It didn't have the, let's just say, Big Bone roommate, though.

No big boat. Yeah, no big room roommate. But for crying out loud, I had a lot of fun with this movie, and I thought I was going to hate it. So I'm going to tell you right now, I enjoyed this more than I thought I was going to. And that's awesome. I think we're going to have a very high rating. Night swim 2025, maybe, huh? Brian, what do you think?

Again, I had a lot of fun with this. This is a good holiday horror rom-com. I thought the cast was super likable. When I saw the trailer, I didn't know what to think of the mask, but it kind of grew on me. And then the light-up eyes, they kind of explained why they light up in the movie. I thought the kills were super fun. You guys know I'm all about the Sawansansans.

We got Devin Sawah in there as the other detective. I didn't even know he was going to be in it until a song. I remember hearing about it, but I think it just, him and Jordana Brewster just kind of went out my mind. And then when they popped up on screen, I was like, oh, yeah, they're in this movie. A big bonus. Neither one of those people even clicked in my mind that I was like, oh, I know those. I was like, yeah. I completely enjoyed the opening sequence.

I thought it was super fun. at times it made me laugh I agree with Pedro at times some of the jokes didn't hit with me but you know sometimes comedies are like that not all the jokes are just going to hit with you I thought the movie should have ended

at a certain time I kind of wasn't completely on board with the ending and you guys know what I mean when I say the movie should have ended at a certain point and they kind of went on from there sure sure i got out a little bit yeah uh trying to avoid spoilers but yeah super fun movie kills were fun i wish the the van one wasn't in the trailer because that was probably one of the

most violent ones but yeah a lot of a lot of fun that was a horny couple in the van wasn't it hey we have an audience let's do it even more they were already they were already doing it so i know they were they were like oh you guys are role playing cool we're gonna keep on going that was hilarious man not hey get the fuck out of my car one of the one of the things i really like one of the one of the things that i really liked about that scene is that usually in movies like these you see the killer hyper-focused on the victims right right here without spoilers this killer didn't give a fuck they were taking everyone out and yeah that's true that's true they gave them a distraction Even like going all the way back to Jason takes Manhattan, right?

Jason's walking through Manhattan, but he's only focused on the person he's going after. He doesn't even fuck up those gangbangers that are listening to their boombox and she. He just takes the boom box and keeps on walking. Doesn't even breakdames. Yeah. So I know I like that part. In this film, they kind of changed that a little bit, which I appreciate it. Yeah.

Original. Yeah. Yeah. I had a lot more fun with this movie than I thought I was going to. Like, the comedy was actually not bad. Like, it was kind of a wrong time. Better than cocaine bear, right? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Sure. Well, and they had some, you know, really firmly inserted jokes there that were meant to be funny. And they actually, most of them worked out pretty well. So can't complain too much. I like the, the, uh, the chemistry of the,

of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the, of the,

of the, of the, of the, I was a little concerned, just going into the movie, I was concerned about the killer of the hard eyes thing and I was like, I don't,

whatever, another screen ripoff or whatever. Yeah, no, I thought I was gonna, I was gonna, I was gonna be terrible. And, uh, and I,

it was, it, it just, it outperformed what I expected. And so I'll give it props on that. I had a pretty good time with it. Better than Interviolent Nature. I'll tell you that right now. Stop it, Brian.

Stop it. I would not stop. Oh, fuck. Inilent nature was like watching someone play the Friday of the 13th video game that should have been. I know. But I love it. Heart Eyes is all about business. What's his name in Involent Nature was all about walking through the woods?

You know, you know what? I'm going to make an announcement right now. You know, I know both of these films, and this is just me because I can, I'm going to have to scrounge to love these guys. I can't find enough of them. Both of these guys are in the tournament. Johnny, whatever the fuck his name is from a violent nature is in the tournament, and so is

hard eyes. So there you go, folks. All right. You said they have to have a sequel. Well, I'm going to, he's getting a sequel, and I'm going to say they're going to try to franchise hard eyes. Yes. So they're already, yeah.

Oh, for sure. I hope they don't. But I bet they will. But I bet they will. These guys are all going to have sequels. This would be fun as a standalone movie. I mean, like that 2001 Valentine's movie was actually kind of fun when I went back and watched it. I don't remember it being fun, but it was.

And this one was a lot more fun than I expected. Kind of like getting spanked, huh? I thought that was going to be awful. It was awesome. So much so that you forgot that your daughter Brewster was in there the whole time. I know. Well, I didn't click that that's who that was. I knew Devon Sawin look familiar.

That was mean. I'm sorry. Phil if I'm going to have to let AJ let Rose borrow the whip that she spanked me with. Great. Hey. Okay. All right. No, but I liked it.

I liked it better than I thought I was going to. Pedro, you want to go scores? I'm going to go 7.5 on 10. Damn. All right. Good one, good one. Lance, what do you think? Seven.

Seven on 10. Nice. I really enjoyed it. Really enjoyed it. 7.7. five, not quite at eight. Wow. I would totally rewatch this again.

Nice. I'm sure we will. Yeah, I would too. Like, the comedy hit way better than I expected it to. I'm going to go, I'm going to go seven. I think it was a really solid movie. It belongs in better company than than holiday horror movies. Okay. You know?

Yeah. My bloody Valentine. Yeah. All right. Spoilers. This is a motherfucking spoiler alert. You've been fucking warned. This is a motherfucking spoiler alert.

You've been fucking warned. This is a motherfucking spoiler alert. You've been fucking warned. Let me jump in real quick. I like the ongoing gag of that they're not a couple. He only kills couples. But every time he shows up, doing couple-like things.

Yeah, that's true. And I thought Olivia Holt and Mason Gooding, I thought their chemistry worked really well because they were really believable as a couple, not couple. Yeah, I loved it. He was like, ah, what are you talking about? I just met her. And he's obviously in love with her.

That's great. Yeah. Yeah, and I was going to say, I guess they did try to explain how the killer, or we should say killers, as we find out later on. The reason why they zeroed in on that couple is because they were actually going after the other couple, right, which was her ex and the girlfriend or whatever. Yeah.

So they were originally going after them, and then they found this couple who had a kiss because she made, what's his name, kissed her because she was jealous of her ex being there in front of them, and that started the whole thing going, you know? I guess everything that bothers me is just how much of a coincidence it was, that Hard Ice was right there, you know, to see all that. Yeah, a lot. You have to suspend disbelief, right? Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's cool.

I mean, that's cool. It is a movie. It is a movie, Pedro. It is a movie, Petra. I thought, I thought the third act was weird because, like you guys said, I mean, once they kill the guy at the drive-in, like, all of a sudden, it's almost like they needed, they were running out of time, and they just needed to find the actual killers. So, just two people.

one guy who was the IT guy he he he didn't even get to we only saw him in one scene before this and then obviously he got a Brewster later on um now and as soon as he showed up in that scene I was like that's the guy I like the reveal of the first guy

they killed when they took his mask off they were like who the fuck is this guy yeah yeah it was also very wing wink as well like it was talking to the real fans you know sure trying to put the clues together and stuff so whenever they show the The first guy, it was like, this is kind of a letdown.

And they told us that through their characters, you know? Well, yeah, and that's part of the beauty of the movie, right? No, yeah, that's cool, yeah, for sure. But I did think it was a little lazy how they explained that guy later on. He was just like a fan or something, like somebody that looked up to them, and he decided to throw on the mask. Even though that guy was pretty fucking brutal, you know, and the driving, killing everyone that was in the way.

Very scream-esque, right? Would you agree, Pedro? Yeah, very scream. Oh, yeah. They definitely pulled from some scream stuff. So that's the reason why this hard ice killer could keep on going because it's actually like a, it's a statement, right? It's not actually just one place there. Yeah, so hard ice two could very well be another killer and then another in part three and another in part four, right?

Well, I'm glad they didn't do that. Well, they might. Well, they haven't. And yet. This movie just came out last week. I guess that's true. But I did thought it was a little too coincidental that Jordana Brewster happened to work and be a cop. And they get to do all that to the couple.

Like, come on. And she's a killer, too. That was a little too. That's why it doesn't get like a higher score because there was things. I did have problems with it. Even though it is a comedy and we're supposed to be more light on it. Still, there was things that are, come on, just a little, put a little more thought into the script, you know? Like how did she get?

through her sack, Val. Exactly. She did have a good decapitation scene, though. Yeah, that was cool. And then the guy, he got all kinds of, like, candle wax on him, you know? But what kind of, like, that was some very lethal candle wax. Yeah, no shit.

It was like tearing his skin off and shit. I thought it was like, did they go to that place from that robocop scene, you know, where they run over that one guy that's mouthful? It's the same thing. I'm sure Candlewax sucks, but I don't think it does that. Doesn't suck for everybody, right, Lance? Yeah, that's true. That's true.

I really enjoy the first scene, and it really set the tempo with the photographer guy and all that stuff. I thought that was pretty funny. And, yeah, like, the middle part is all rom-com. You know, they even have a coffee shop scene, which these fucking movies have, you know, where they go for the same copy, and then all of a sudden, the sparks fly. Yeah, it wasn't, it, it would have been nicer if they would have had either like a no-it-all, like teenager, which a lot of these rom-coms have, or the heavyset roommate.

And the heavyset roommate could be a girl or a guy. Or the gay roommate, right? A gay roommate, that's right. That's right. What did you all think about that scene where they were quoting all the rom-com movies? Did you catch that? were they were quoting all the different titles of

rom-com movies I missed that one yeah I thought it I thought it was clever I really did I thought this was a clever movie it was more than I expected for sure

we didn't talk about the we'll put you on the spot you've watched even though you say you're a straight man you've watched thousands of these what is your favorite give me your favorite rom-com about

time. Oh no. Pedro, let's make it harder. Let's letterbox. That's stuff. 54-Rocombs right now. What's that? 50 first dates. It's one of my favorite movies. I got one. You want me to go first?

I got one. Yeah. Yeah, please do. That's a great movie. Which one? What's that? As good as it gets. Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one. I think, I think my favorite one is one that that we had one of our Patreon patrons make us watch for the movie.

If you guys recall, it was my wife that actually made us watch this one, Brian. It might need a spreadsheet on this one. It's called, it's called P.S. I love you. Oh, a Gerard Butler.

Yeah, and the reason it's so special to me is because our son-in-law died of brain cancer. about 10 years ago. And that's the, you know, the main point of the movie is, you know, he leaves her notes and tells her to go to Ireland where he came from to, you know, meet up with people and visit certain sites and stuff like that. So that was very special to me, very, very close to my heart. So it would be P.S. I love you. My favorite rhyme to come, man.

Yeah. So, yeah. So that's, Brian, I don't think. you have a favorite wrongcom, right? I think we all said ours, but you haven't. I'll go something simple. I'll do sleepless in Seattle. That's a good one. That's a good one.

Which I do get confused with, you've got mail. I get those confused a lot. Except the same actors, right? Yeah, because I feel like Tom Hanks was kind of like one of the first, right? He really brought that genre into what it became, you know? I guess so, yeah. Yeah, he was up to the bottom. Early 90s, late 80s, whatever, right?

Yeah, then Gerald Butner took over. Matthew McConaughey took over. Oh, yeah. McConaughey got his spotlight. Failure to launch. Another great one. That's a good. Terry Bradshaw, dude.

He was fucking hilarious. I want you out of here so I have my naked room. That was fucking hilarious, man. And I can relate. So I do like how the middle portion of this film really center on the rom-com aspect of it, you know? Yeah, yeah. And just getting to know the couple or the posse couple. And yeah, and then it's like any rom-com.

They had to go through all this ordeal and except you throw like a serial killer in the mix. And then at the end, they find out that they are made for each other. And it has that happy ending. It's got the happy ending, the rom-com ending. And I thought there was going to be a second ending, right? Like a, you know, it's not so happy after all. The killer pops up again, but he didn't. And that was okay.

That was okay in this one, right? Because normally as horror fans, we love that. Like, we love the movie The Mist better than the book The Miss because of that dark ending. But we didn't get it. They trick you with the roommate, Colin, acting like the killer. Yes. So they even fucked you even more. It was cool, man.

This is a fun movie. And we didn't bring up... We didn't bring up the kill in the beginning with the great press or wine press or whatever. Oh, yeah. Like, I don't know what kind of machine that was, but it seems dangerous. Right. It should not exist. Yeah, it's got like a weird timer on it where you put it on the wine bottle and it has like a countdown.

Like, ding, ping, ping, and then it just... pops it open. Like, why are you able to try it in there? I went on Amazon and looked for one. I couldn't find one. I was there. There's your answer. It doesn't really exist.

But then later on, they pay it off because they put in somebody's head. Yeah. All right. Is that enough about this movie, guys? Yeah. I mean, I really enjoyed it.

People need to go watch it. All right. We had fun. So Pedro, thanks for joining us, dude. Yeah, I'll keep you guys updated on the tournament. And we'll book it sometime in March. It's going to be a fun time. Hardice is in the tournament officially. So much like we do with the Royal Rumble, right, Brian, we're going to be releasing all these names in increments. You know, we're going to create the hype for this tournament.

So Hardice has officially declared as the first mofo in this. tournament. Uh-oh. Oh. Yeah. And Jacob or Johnny or whatever the fuck is. Johnny. Johnny Goodnight or whatever the fuck is named.

Johnny what's his face? Yeah. Because I think I'm going to point in Kane. Because Kane has a sequel. He has, what is it? See No Evil 1 and See No Evil 2. Yes.

Oh, that's right. You can be in there. The problem is when you have more than one person as the killer, I don't know how much that counts. Well, ghost face is an icon, right? Well, I know. I see ghost face is another problem for me.

Okay. We'll figure it out. Yeah. We'll figure it out. But in the meantime, we want to thank you guys for listening to another episode of The Horror Returns. You know where to find us, www. www.thehorrorreturns.com or email us at thehorrorreturns at gmail.com next week. Brian, how in the fuck?

Do we have another fucking Werewolf week? Well, you can ask our guest, Steve Carlton. Oh my God. Yet again. What is the Werewolves? It is going to be the Howling and the Howling 2. Okay.

All right? Those movies are not bad. You guys don't have a good time. No, not bad at all. I love the hamburger cooking scene at the end of the Howling. You know, that was like iconic for me. but I don't know that I've ever seen. Ah, nice.

Yeah. It should be fun. All right, Philip, until the horror returns again. Good night.