The Horror Returns - THR - Ep. #497: Critters 4 (1992) & Ghoulies IV (1994)

Episode Date: December 5, 2025

Steve joins us to continue our look at the little creatures. Cool of the week includes Stranger Things 5, The Creep Tapes, Bugonia, and Pluribus. Trailers are Obsession and Ready or Not 2: Here I Come. The podcast spotlight shines on Give Me Back My Action and Horror Movies! And we get feedback from Kate Pollock, Stefano Pedersini, Don Lowery, Steve Carleton, Chris Laterreur, Lucas Chapel, Sean Henry, and Samuel Mattern. Be sure to check out the Spanish Sundown podcast. Thanks for listening! The Horror Returns Website: https://thehorrorreturns.com THR Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thehorrorreturns/ Join THR Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1056143707851246 THR X: https://twitter.com/horror_returns?s=21&t=XKcrrOBZ7mzjwJY0ZJWrGA THR Instagram: https://instagram.com/thehorrorreturns?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y= THR Threads: https://www.threads.net/@thehorrorreturns?igshid=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ== THR YouTube Channel: https://youtube.com/@thehorrorreturnspodcast3277 THR Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/thehorrorreturns THR TeePublic: https://www.teepublic.com/user/the-horror-returns SK8ER Nez Podcast Network: https://www.podbean.com/pu/pbblog-p3n57-c4166 E Society Spotify For Podcasters: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/esoc Music By: Steve Carleton Of The Geekz

Greetings, victims, for those of you who delight and dread, who fantasize about fear, who glorify gore, welcome, you have found the place where the whole, the whole, return, you have found the place where the whole return. Listeners beware, this podcast contains major plot spoilers on the foulest of language. Join us in celebrating the old and the new, the best, and the worst in horror. Welcome back, everyone, to the horror returns. I'm Lance. Yeah, dramatic tonight. Cowboys are playing. So Phillips here, but he's got the game on in the background, I'll bet.

Yeah. Just to guess. Brian, what's up, man? We got Brian here. What's going on, Brian? Same old, same old. Not watching a Cowboys game, though. It's Thursday night football.

Yeah, Thursday. football. There's a lot of NBA games tonight, too. Celtics are playing. I think they're playing the early game. Celtics. Oh, man. Yeah, I figured you were going to say that, man. Well, my mom lived in New Hampshire for 10 years, so. Oh, okay. Are you looking for Larry Boyd? Come on. That's right. But the man himself is here with us. The creator of all things, critters and goolies, I guess, and children of the corn, the cockman, C-O-C, children of corn. Wow. What's up, Steve?

Yeah, Steve, the cockman, Carlton, all right. When's that T-shirt coming? I guess it has to happen now. Oh, man. Well, thank you for the glowing intro, Lance. How are you doing? Doing great, man. Nobody ever asks you how you're doing.

You ask everybody else, but. Oh, okay. come on nobody ever asks Lance how he's doing especially with that beard we got to constantly check in with you you doing good you're all right hanging in there man hanging in there thanks for asking to the club welcome to the club beard's looking good I like it's about time thanks dude you need to keep that shit through December because you got a you got a thing oh yeah definitely oh yeah yeah hasn't been lost on the on the seven-year-old grand kid that's for sure Papa you really are Santa Claus

this year. Yeah, yeah, I'll take that. That's cool. So what's up for the... Santa Claus every year. That's right. What's up with the geeks, Steve? Oh, you know, doing the same thing. We always talked, we talked about doing our 12 days of Christmas and we're not doing it. There's no way. What did we, we've been doing? We've been reviewing dairy and we're doing an episode by episode review of the new Stranger Things season. So, uh, we got those two. things coming out and we've been doing some these little things during the show now these little

topics like we did our top five movies that shouldn't be remade and then our top five movies that should be remade we did that list and then now we're our next one's going to be our top five guilty pleasures um nice okay together in a list and then after that we're going to have a bracket where we decide who the fourth person is on the or maybe it's the fifth person we're going to make a horror around Mount Rushmore and we've got to figure out through a bracket who is going up on the mountain with Freddie and Jason and Michael because they always

win. You could have a bracket with a million people and Freddy's going to win it every fucking time. So we put him already on the mountain. So now we battle out of the other people. Who's the fourth guy? You could say leather face, but eh, not a lot of good movies for the leather face. True. True.

Yeah. Pinhead. Shit. Sorry about it. pinhead but he would be in the bracket because not a lot of good movies right that's what to say is the equal amount of shitty movies

true what was the one you gotta have them in there you're gonna have chucky in there you're gonna have lepracron in there you're gonna have art the clown in there

you're gonna have painwise in there and penny wise is making a fucking case for himself with dairy lately so yeah I would say so

I would say so what are you thinking about Stranger Things oh that's my crew of the week Stranger Things fucking rule rules. You have to watch it with a little bit of disbelief because them kids ain't kids

no more. So they took way too long. So like when Erica who's supposed to be in middle school, I'm like, dad is not a middle school. Yeah, I just found out. Me and my daughter were watching the videos like the ages they are on the show as opposed to their real ages. Erica is 19 years old. Holy cow. She looks like it. Yeah. So yeah, there's that The skating one is like 40 fucking five Yeah, what's his name's the oldest Steve?

Right? Yeah, he's like 33 years old. But he hasn't aged a day. He looks the same as season one. He's still pulling it off. I can't remember what her name is, but you know, the... Nancy. Nancy. Nancy looks like she's 45. Yeah, yeah. Timothy Shallamee? She's aged.

Exactly. Somebody get her a sandwich or something. Something. I don't know. And then in this season, are you guys all, did you guys watch it? Yeah. Okay. So, like, rock and Robin, annoying.

Well, I mean, not Robin the character, but her radio persona. Pretty bad. Sometimes she's killing it. Sometimes it's too much. Her code thing was great. Her little code thing, that was cool. That was great. But when she was like, you know who's got to date kids?

I'm just like, I can't stand any of this. There's no way. There's no way. Also, I kind of need a flashback episode that explains how the fuck we got to. Hawkins blowing up in a big huge storm at the end of season four and a bunch of metal plates over the top of it. The metal bandaid. Yeah, in season five. I kind of need to know how we got from here to there.

And also, if the whole town's in lockdown in his military fucking blockade, like, why is everybody still going to school? I wouldn't be going to fucking school. Oh, that's a good point. Yeah, that's a really good point. This shit is crazy. There's some weird shit going on.

And why the fuck didn't Joyce say anything to the wheelers? Can you let them know what's... Like, nobody's talking to these people. You're living in their fucking house. All that being said, I still really loved it. And Will, who's been a wet blanket for four seasons straight, He's suddenly goaded. And it's like, oh, man.

So that's going to be the thing. Are they bringing Eddie back? There's been some online speculation, especially with the D&D stuff with a character called Kaz, who came back from the dead to defeat Vecna in D&D lore. And that character is a vampire.

Eddie got killed by a bunch of bats. There's stuff leading. There is stuff. There's theories, but also just, of quinn is not on the i n db for season five so there's out so that uh could be uncredited though yes could be misdirection it's true it could be i thought vekna looked fucking sweet i think it's cool that murray's like this magic jewish character that can just get anything at any time anywhere i just think it's awesome the magical jews very much look what i got brought grenades under the lettuce like

it's great i love it i love strange things uh it never lost me i it does suck that it takes forever to get the seasons but it's the same thing with the house of the dragon right now too so true oh yeah it's been a while fucking fun when it gets there man it is it is and and yeah the kids being too old does bother me but like only for like 30 seconds and then i'm like yeah i don't care you get over just want to watch the show so uh yeah stranger things definitely my cool of the week but I did have a couple other things

I wanted to mention real quick have you guys seen Good Boy yeah yes that's actually my cool of the week no shit yeah oh this is good it was awesome I was very surprised I liked the monster explanation

of the monster I was like if this is a true dog POV that's fucking sweet like that's really cool very cool yeah and yeah i i i i like the way that they did the little uh you know nuances of the dog just kind of staring at something or chasing something down or barking at the corner or whatever the dog killed it yeah the dog killed it man and uh it was it was uh it was even if you are a big

dog lover you could still watch this movie like it's it's not more hectic because there's a dog in right i think it works but yeah and so i'll just continue on where you left all right right with more more stranger more stranger things and uh and more welcome to dairy um i'm loving what they're doing there too uh it's been pretty exciting to catch up on all that so we got a lot of stuff going on right now so i'm enjoying it's exciting time in tv right yeah a lot of new things Dairy's cool because And they're all good

In episode one They made me fall in love with this group of kids And then they immediately killed them all off Yeah What the fuck? How dare you? And then they introduced this new group of kids And I'm like, I was like,

I don't, I'm not gonna like them You know? Be careful. Be careful. Oh yeah? And now, now, even that girl with the glasses and the eye patch I was like, she can't be redeemed. Fuck her.

She's one for the fodder. Nope. Now she's a great. character. I'm all on board. These motherfuckers did it. They made me fall in love with another group of kids and they're going to kill them all again. No, they won't. They won't.

I'm telling you right now. The little Hispanic dude, they're definitely going to murder him. He's going to sacrifice. He's going to sacrifice himself for the good of the many, I guarantee. He has such a shining moment in episode six. But that last episode was way too happy.

Exactly. Yeah. He gives his drum and he's playing drum. he's making the eyes at the one girl I'm like he's making an eye back at him yeah everything's going way too good life is good yeah he's definitely going to die yeah there's no way

and that's that's the black spot that's where we've been hearing about that in it stuff we saw Mike Hamlin have a have a vision of that in it chapter 1 so I'm excited to see that finally on the screen I mean not excited that's his dad right that's Mike's dad right the little boy I believe so, yes

Which he's not alive in a chapter one But the grandfather is So that's interesting Yeah, because their last name is Hanlon I did not, that never clicked Okay Yeah, you can go online and there's a lot of It family trees that people are doing

Like connecting all the characters together And this periwinkle shit is wild Yeah, I don't know what's happening there but it's interesting but I was like that lady looks like if you do the math that lady should be like 60 something

and like she looks like 60 something for 2025 but she don't look 60 something for the 1960s yeah no kidding and the 1960s 30 somethings look like 60 something I thought she was like 40 yeah that's right I'm like wait she was born in

1900 what the fuck crazy freaking Danny Glover was like 35 years old going i'm too over the shit right looking back penny wise well i'll tell you this penny wise i don't think he's looked cooler than he had than he has in this show he they did not spare a scent on making him look great and scary and when they did the flashback in black and white and the only thing that was in color was his eyes glowing that was one of the coolest that was pretty visuals of penny wise there has ever been so just hats off they're doing a great job

a lot of cool of the week brian you chime in with this stuff or you guys are all way ahead of me yes um keeping up with stranger things was great uh dairy was great um i caught up on the the creep tapes i'm on season two now oh that's it that's out now okay oh i kind of dropped I kind of dropped off because the first season kind of got a little repetitive until we got to the later end of the season, which I thought was great. Because he had

an episode where you know, when he puts on the mask, he's Peach Fuzz. Right. He had an episode where he was arguing with Peach Fuzz, and his point of view, Peach Fuzz was a separate person from him. Holy shit. That explains

a lot. Then there was another episode where his mom was involved which uh that's when i started to get interested in season two because it seemed like they were kind of changing up things and uh season two's been pretty good so far you got david dalz malchin was in uh the first episode okay then there was a basically a saw inspired episode where he tricks a guy into thanking him and uh both of them are in a saw trapped together and they need to figure out. But the guy,

he's getting frustrated with the guy because he can't figure out any of the clues. Right? It adds a lot of comedy to it, right? So he lets himself out.

Got your goddamn handoff. Are you... We got to look for it. Yeah, we got to look for a DVD and he's all like... Well, DVDs are flat and around, so we got to look for something flatten around to find.

It's probably hiding behind it, and he's just like, looking at the guy, like, really? So that was kind of like, kind of like the clue, huh? Yeah. This morning, I checked out the first episode of a Netflix show that just came out today called The Abandones. It's a Western show with Lena Hetty and Jillian Anderson.

They're like the matriarchs of rival families. What? Whoa, where is this? That sounds like fun. This is on Netflix. What's it called? The Abandones. The abandons, all right, adding it to the ever-growing list here.

The biggest thing for Jillian Anderson back in the day. Oh, she's like, I'm sure she gets better with age, mind you. Did you see the last season of X-Files? God. That's a while ago, dude. I don't care. They're like, they're both matriarchs of rival families. One's like basically like the poorer family and the other ones like the richer family.

And they got like some kind of beef that goes. back a while. The Hatfields and McCoys. Gillian has to be the rich family one, right? Yes. Of course. I mean, the Hedy would play that fucking

fucking all fucked up pressure. And the the show is created by what's his name? Kurt Sutter that did Sons of Anarchy. Oh, all right. Holy, all right.

I'm in. So is there a lot of gore in it? A lot of violence and action scenes? I'm only one episode in. Okay. so we it ended with with some deaths so yeah i have faith let's just say lena hetty ain't ain't one to fuck with i guess i've known that through game of thrones and through uh what was that

the movie she was dread there you go yeah that's right judge dread uh and i checked out a couple movies uh the first one's director's cut on Shudder about a punk band that's incredibly unlikable every character every band member is extremely unlikable they want to shoot a video they get a DM from some unknown guy who said they'll do it for free and they go to this abandoned mansion and you can figure out the movie from there sure it was not good and there was nobody I was rooting for I was hoping everybody died did they did you get your way for the ghost

oh yeah because if they did then it might be a good movie they died but it wasn't spectacular got gotcha well you know probably lower budget movie right yeah

checked out another movie on shutter called so torn it's kind of a crime thriller the seamstress comes across a accident on the road And it looks like between Basically, it's a drug deal gone bad Okay

And she sees this case of money And she takes the case of money And they know she's got the case of money And they're after her And it's kind of cool But it's weird at the same time She uses like her seamstress skills To get herself out of stuff

It's like super weird But it's also created That sounds awesome actually that sounds awesome did you imagine if you just had like one specific like talent or something like that and then like you just found yourself in all these situations where that

bailed you out and you're like what the fuck what are the chances right I know how to get out of this so I recommend I recommend that one I think I've seen it's coming to Netflix too if you don't have a shutter what's it called again

so torn so torn s eW I'll bet right yeah and since everybody you guys are doing some shit down yeah since everybody said stranger things five i'll go with something different i checked out uh i'm gonna say this name right bougonia oh oh wow i hate jessie pernans yeah i hate that he's he is not fat damon no more he's skinny damon now got a six-pack going huh essentially him and his friend or i think the guys' cousin. They kidnap Emma Stone, is that her name?

Yes. Emma Farras, yeah. They kidnap her thinking that she is an alien from a race of aliens that are coming to Earth to destroy it. Oh, Cowboys football. They score a touchdown already? No, they just took the ball away. Ah, okay. What take long, I suspect. Go ahead, Brian, sorry, man.

Basically, they think she's an alien, and they're, like, torturing her, trying to get her to confess. Torture as you would torture an alien. And the movie, the movie kind of plays with you. Is she an alien? Is she not an alien? Is skinny Damon? Just crazy. Were they probing her, Brian?

Doesn't have the same ring to it. I'll spoil one thing. There is some shock therapy used. Mm-hmm. that he might have used a little too much okay uh never mind not cowboys cool should be called not fat damon

that hell's my camera dude i don't know I'm trying to figure out because skinny damon doesn't roll off the tongue the same way fat damon does no not at all yeah not even close it's a tricky not even close

he's gonna lose his identity yeah so what do is a good one you recommend yeah i i i I see what Lance is saying. I'm not a fan of the director's work either. Yargos, Lanthamos. Yeah, that guy.

What else is he doing? He did that poor things. A bunch of weird movies. There's a poor thing with Emma Stone. She was supposed to be like a play on Frankenstein. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Killing of a sacred deer. You know what it is?

I feel like the movies that he makes are telling me, like, if you don't like this, it's because you're stupid. I don't like it. I don't want you to tell me I'm stupid movie. Yeah, I think that's why I think that's why I kind of enjoyed this one. It wasn't really, it didn't feel like his other movies. Okay, then I'm going to check it out. It's pretty much more straightforward.

Neither you think she's an alien or you think skinny. They're nuts. Bad Damon is just out of his mind. and the movie also made me feel old because Alicia Silverstone from Clueless is playing moms now Yeah she's been playing moms for

I've seen her in a couple of mom roles I think The Hallmark movies Yeah mostly Hallmark movies I think That shark one I've never seen worse acting in my life The shark Oh god you just reminded me of that movie

I think me and Nez were rebuted And I think in my review, I was, like, talking about how I wished a husband threw her in the water. I listened to that one. Yeah, that was a good time. It was the worst character ever. You think you get a good name actress, and then this happens. Yeah, that was a bad one. What was it called Blackwater or something like that?

No, I had a weird name. Was it? Fuck, I don't. It's forgettable, right? I don't know. They were on a house boat that wasn't a boat, right? No, they were. They were in a, like, a bungalow at a resort, and then a tide, like, a storm washed them out.

They got, like, Wizard of Oz. In the bungal. She kept blaming her husband for her. He's like, what the fuck? A tsunami happening, and I'm just like, throw her to the sharks now. Yes, I do remember that, unfortunately. That's all I got this week, though. All right.

Brian, I know you've seen a couple episodes. You guys checked out Pluribus yet? Yeah, I think I'm on episode three. Yeah, well, I just started it. You guys are fucking eons ahead of me on TV. I'm so backed up because I've been watching so many Hallmark Christmas movies with a WIF. I've been watching a lot of NBA, too. I know, dude, it's gone forever.

I've been watched a lot of NBA games, though, really getting into basketball this year. Trying to get my money's worth right out of that league pass. But Pluribus, the first episode, I'm definitely all in, Brian. And we all thought it was aliens at first, right? Because it made it look like it was probably aliens. And then they make it very clear toward the end when that person's talking to her through the TV directly to her. It's just like super paranoid. I didn't know it was going to be that horrific.

like big time horror movie right like when you're walking down the street and all these people turn and look at you and start saying your name it's like the fuck is going on here have you heard anything about this steve not really um i i know i want to watch it but i have to some things i just need to wait until they're all out so i tried to do that too with all these other shows you guys are spoiling for me yeah i try to do that with almost every show but when the gigs want to do a episode by episode review. True enough. I got to be on the shit.

No choice. Yeah. I think you dig it, man. Does it kind of stay the same, Brian? It's almost like at the end of episode one, where can they go from here? Because they're talking about only 11 people. Yeah, we have that particular quality. Won't spoil anything, but it's episode two.

You get to meet the other people. I figured you'd have to, that would have to happen pretty soon. It's kind of a mixed bag of how. they feel some are kind of like well my family's still alive and then her whole point is like are they really your family that's a really good point yeah yeah yeah i'm digging it so much good fucking tv right boys yeah whatch mccall starts here in a couple weeks uh fallout oh yeah that's right too and that's week that week also isn't it yeah i'm gonna be watching that one week at a time.

Yeah, but I'm gonna be old... Landman's still going too, and it's like three episodes in, it's pretty great. I'm still behind on Tulsa King, you know? What are you going to do? I can watch Landman on mute down alley, large. Could you? Good stuff, huh?

Still hot. She is the comedic relief, and she's awesome. Right? Her and her daughter. Okay, all right. Well, that's on the list, too. I haven't really seen too many movies that aren't Hallmark Christmas movies, so

I guess we'll move on to news. Is that everything? We covered covered all the... Have you guys heard about a movie called Primitive War before? With dinosaurs. I want to see that. Yeah, the dinosaurs in Vietnam time. Fuck I was to get it.

Ari Gold is a Vietnam soldier. It's awesome, right? No. No. See, the problem is, the problem is, right, It's like, if I was on our show, I'd rated a high side kick. Like, I wanted it to be awesome.

The dinosaur shit is really cool, except for the shit at the credits. In the end credits, they try to add a little bunch of fucking silly little dinosaur things in home, like in like real footage and it looks terrible. But in the movie, the dinosaur shit's pretty good. They look scary. They're like, the raptors are cool. There's like multiple different sizes of them and they're like, they got feathers and shit. It's really cool. they do some really cool shit

the problem is they try to pretend that it's a real movie they take it too seriously yeah they take it too seriously and then when they explain to you why the dinosaurs there because there's a fucking explanation and then it's not Jurassic Park scientists there's an explanation for it

and is it a good one I guess if crazy shit makes sense then yeah it's I mean it's way out there you're like okay but I mean if that's your premise then you've got to lean into the silly you can't then add this like sweeping score and like crying people and like you're trying

to get like character moments and this person's battling addiction I'm like I don't give a fuck about any of this. It's like two separate two separate movies then and we're supposed to be riding fucking T-Rexes into battle here and they're supposed to be American

GIs but but like the main character is the guy named Ryan Quentin he was the brother in true blood this motherfucker is Australian and it gets and the whole production was Australian and it was the only time it's like every now and then people would just be flying out with their accents like what the fuck oh god and then got to kill some dino it was a close up there was a close up on um on ryan he was got to write him

it was a close up on ryan when he was saying something one of his guys and he was like right close and he was like he and he was saying the word like you or something that had a oh or you but his mouth his mouth is going like yeah yeah it's like oh like you totally had to ADR that because you couldn't fucking do it in real life it's it's

you know that's a small gripe but it was really funny yeah it's I wanted it to be awesome and it could have been if it didn't take it so seriously okay maybe they'll uh maybe they'll do a sequel and get some comic relief in there I'm just your everyday yank As far as like how The dinosaur in the battle

As far as like how they explain how the dinosaurs got there Like if you know anything about like Nazis Fucking like a cult like experiments and shit It's kind of like that makes sense Now you're in my world Makes perfect sense Right but if you're gonna lean in

If you're gonna say that Then that's the kind of movie we need to be in Not whatever you're doing here Right All right, time for some news. It's time for horror headlines brought to you by Brian. Take it away, man. All right.

Ava Green has officially joined the cast of Wednesday, season three. Okay. I didn't know she was still acting, dude. I haven't seen her in anything in a while. I don't know when the last thing I've seen her in. I didn't watch season two. That bad dark shadows thing, maybe? that really bad dark shadows movie i don't know

she was in the second 300 movie that was after that that's true she was having that's true fight slash sex scene yeah say what you want that was a good scene and she was in a show too it was a show she was in for apple i think are you show okay it was like uh it was like magic people or something i don't know it was weird she had penny dreadful too didn't she

that wasn't that wasn't that long ago yeah let's see this is just a rumor I saw this today we talked about it like earlier this year that Stephen Spielberg was filming a UFO movie starring Emily Blunt that has no title yet but is supposed to come out this summer or this upcoming summer

sold we allegedly according to this rumor are getting the trailer with Avatar in a couple weeks in theater Avatar is going to get us a lot of trailers we're supposed to be Avengers trailer supposed to be And it's still not going to make any fucking money

I think they even said Supergirl trailer might No, it's not going to make money Yes Avatar You mean not as much as they spent Or what? Nah, I think it's going to

justify a fourth one Yeah, I think it's going to lose money And again, I didn't see the second one Those, I don't know, I hear it's good But nobody asked for this time I'm just like three hours of blue people, I mean now.

Dude, I love all of them, man. You got to go to the theater and see it in 3D, man. It's not about the story. Well, I did go to that theater and see the first one in like 3D. Yeah, I did it. You know, Omni, all that bullshit. But that was fucking 20 years ago. I think, well, the second one is like top five all time, box offers.

Is it? The second one? Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy. I didn't like it when they re-released it to get that most money ever made. tied away from Avengers I was like, you catty bitch

Yeah Well, that's business man That's James Cameron though Didn't he re-released Titanic too? Yes No, yeah I'm good That's a long fucking movie too

I kind of hope this one crashes and burns It looks like shit Yeah I don't know They all look the same like quality-wise to me It looks pretty good I always I always have fun dude 20 years ago.

Going to see it. I always have fun going to the theater. I just like the effects, but I get Phillips' point. Phillips a bit jaded. He's tired. He's had enough Avatar. He's had enough to heal with Avatar. Well, it's kind of at least getting into one of my irritations with Star Wars, right?

Like Star Wars has a logistics problem where they're like, this whole planet, we're going to take the planet back. And then like five people do. And I'm like, what the fuck? Why is every planet the same? size of like road island i don't understand like every planet in star wars has one climate it's you know it's one kind of

people one kind of snow planet there's a like on hot there's no fucking beach anyone on hot you're telling me that the whole thing so at least in this at least in avatar they're like no there's other people that live over there and they don't like us very much I'm like oh okay and all of the same planet

yeah good point in mandolin over the thing it was season three when Bo Catan was like we're taking back Mandelor and she had like six dudes I was like what the fuck the size of Rhode Island that's great planets

planets my ass planets is so tiny install us Sam Ramey and Jordan Peel are teaming up to produce a feature film adaptation of a short horror film that went viral called Portrait of a God.

Okay. I'd heard about this. I think that's a pretty good team up, you know? They're teaming up to produce it. Yeah. Oh, James Wanning it. Damn it. Oh, no. All that does is keeps them from doing actual work, right? Portrait of a God, though. I might want to look into that short movie, though. That sounds cool. Portrait of a God, huh? Speaking of James Wan, Phil, he is attached his name to Parachia. Paranormal Activity 8 as a producer. God,

God, Lord. We did that series on The Geeks. I'm going to have to do that one when it comes out. Right. It's like that kitchen nightmares. I'm going to take it and turn it around. And finally, Scarlett Johansson has been officially cast as the lead in Mike Flanagan's new Exorcist movie. She's also in talks

To be in the new Batman movie Yeah Who's she gonna play Poison Ivy or what There's talks of that or phantasm Lady Fantasome Yeah Okay

That's sweet An exorcist That's cool She definitely pull off Poison Ivy Yeah I was watching this guy Doing a deep diver Talking about He thinks he's going to be

Who is What's from the 89 Batman Ricky Vale Right But they're going to do a play on Vicki Vale Where she is

Lady Fantasm I can see that That would work Phil The only problem with her Being poison ivy Is we're not that lucky Because the outfit

That she would have to wear We're just not that lucky That's what I'm looking for To get that movie Outfit would be awesome Fantasm 40 years old and still hot Sure

Well, she needs something to hit Because that Jurassic movie was no good They rarely are That's why I was looking forward to primitive war, man I thought you're going to tell me they finally got it right Oh, it's better than the last couple of Jurassic movies Oh, I'm sure, yeah, I'm sure But that's not a high bar though

That's not a high bar The dinosaurs have feathers, I'm pretty happy They even had spinosaurs in the water and shit It was cool Yeah And they had You know They had like people

shooting guns at them and like trying to run you know they didn't have like Bryce Dallas Howard and high heels out running a T-Rex but they did have machine guns so that was cool

there's that and that's the news all the news are you excited for a new exorcist I mean Mike Flanagan's doing it that's cool but I'm excited because they're doing a whole new take

they're not rehashing the same story with bring it back you know quote unquote legacy characters and sure that last one was that was rough shit boy I couldn't believe it I'm like this motherfucker's

done now right we're done we let him destroy Halloween and we're done now we're good what's he going to take on next Jaws? Yeah he's like coming soon David Gordon Green's nightmare on Elm Street like oh my God I'm sorry Brian I don't mean to speak it into the universe

I take it back oh man it was back in that box that Dick Howard's box I'm just going to put it right in there I'm sure it was in development long before you spoke it Steve what is next

oh fuck trailers trailer parks God damn it where are we going guys I don't know where are we going where are we going Steve going down to the trailer park All right There's that sound effect

Brian is going to bring us We're not going down that trailer part We may But Brian's going to bring us The big, the small And sometimes the very, very weird What do we have tonight? First one is obsession

From writer-director Curry Barker And I know what you're thinking, Lance, Who is Curry Barker? Sure He did the viral YouTube movie Milk and Serial okay

you remember watching that yeah yeah that wasn't too bad wasn't too bad and it was a quick watch right so it was easy to add to the 31 days last year yeah based on that blumhouse and focus features gave him the opportunity to money to make this movie which is

his feature film debut so we'll start with Steve I who's in the who's in the car who is that is that Josh Hutcherson or was that just some dude look like him a guy named Michael Johnston oh that was my first thought too Steve boring which I will say real quick I did see this I don't know if you ever watched reviews from this YouTuber named Cody Leach I don't I don't really watch a lot of this stuff because he seems to hate a lot of things he got to see this in a film festival

and he said is one of the most insaneest movies he's seen this year okay cool and he said the lead actress her performance was crazy I'm assuming the one that gets to wish granted on her yeah the trailer

was very ambiguous it was just a quick cut a quick scene and I think that's cool it made me want to know more about it so yeah that's what a trailer's supposed to do i'm gonna remember the trailer oh yeah and it and it was it was just a like just a single scene in the movie it's like if you're flipping through on netflix and this is the thing that pops up this is right that's what it's going to give you by the way i hate that stop doing that stream i know i'm fucking tired it's okay

especially when it goes bigger and it takes up more of the screen i'm like ah yeah yeah you can't like stop you can't stop scrolling for a second otherwise I gotta turn all the sound down because I don't want to keep talking you know but it does it looks like that it like gives you a sample a sample scene from the moot

which seems interesting yeah yeah that's the way a trailer should be man it's like it tells you just enough about what's going on but no idea how you got there oh I still don't know anything I'm like there's wishes Mm-hmm. Well, that's all you need to know.

And that's all you need to know, right? In tech support. Right. Yes, that was very original. That was very original. I'm all in. I'm pretty excited. I like this setup.

I think this was one of the more clever trailers that I've seen in a long time. And I'm all in. I don't really want to see any more trailers, you know? Kind of want to just go in mind. Blumhouse is backing it. You'll see. Oh, boy. Teasers.

right and a haunt at universal and a haunt at universal next year steve all right this hits theaters may 15th i'm sorry when you said the haunt i just keep thinking of the wolfman shit that they had this last year and i was like damn that's not going to be what the movie is there can't be right can be and it was it was exactly movie uh on to our second and final trailer is ready or not to here I come starring Samara Weaving, Catherine Newton, Elijah Wood, and Sarah Michelle Geller and a bunch of other people. The radio silence guys are

back directing this one. Steve, what did you think? Looks awesome. Looks like it's going to be a blast. Samara weaving is always good. Catherine Newton's kind of in everything, so that's fine. I'm not, look, she, we have an issue after that last A-Man movie. She was a bit hard. Well, that's not her fault. That's not her fault. Sure it is. I mean, it's everybody's fault. Dude, it's a fucking paycheck. I paid for it. I'm allowed to be mad about it. Brutal. But she's been great and everything else. This looks good. It looks, I think Elijah Wood's cool. Sarah Michelle Gowdo looks like she's going to be a lot of fun. But it's not this kind of the same original set

up as the last one. I like the hide and seek in the house. This was, this is kind of like they're on a hunting reserve. And we just had that movie, the hunt, we have surviving the game. They said they're going to expand on the mythology. You had me.

You survived that. Now you get to fight all these other people. You had me at Samara weaving in a ball gag. I'm looking at other cast maids. You're working on the t-shirt, Steve. Other people on the cast,

Kevin Durand, David Croninberg. Not Kevin Durant. Dude. I like that guy. I know. But don't get too used to him because you see him in the trailer go, pop.

Yeah. They're getting a lot of the Abigail crew back together, it sounds like. He's going to get and getting killed. Yeah, it looked like they showed quite a bit of the movie in the trailer, but that's okay. It looks like a lot of fun. Mm-hmm.

Phil? That's the first one. I, Elijah Wood immediately makes me interested in a movie. As, yeah, as he should, right? I like him, man. He makes wise choices. Since he was a kid, I like that guy. He makes weird choices, but it always works.

He's a good actor. Yeah, for sure. I don't think he's going to be in it very long, though, right? Isn't he just, he's billed as the lawyer in the credit. Yeah, but he just announces it. He's top billed on IMDV. Who knows, right? I mean, it's a rogues gallery of characters, so it should be interesting.

It's kind of like it's given me what I wanted from that other movie. What was the one that Glenn from the Walking Dead was in with her? Mayhem. Which one? Oh, yeah. Mayhem? Yes, yes. Remember at the end of that it left us wanting more, like they were going to expand the universe.

And it's like, they actually did it for this one. Yeah, I kind of want to. I wanted to see it some more, though, man. I wanted to see some of those other places that it was going on. But I guess this is going to go next level then, right? Like, it's not just a family. They're part of a big underground clique or a cult click or something like that. Seems interesting.

But also, it's kind of like everything, it feels like, like this, they're John Wick in it. You know, John Wick was this cool story. And then they were like, but now, I'm John's talking about, too. where there's all these other chapters and there's these guys and there's this whole other crew of homeless people run by George Fishburn

and all of it's like wait a second he was just mad about his dog that was good enough right all right this hits theaters April 10th

okay that's my birthday happy birthday yeah well on April 10th you get oh shit that's my wedding anniversary you get Samara weaving for your birthday Philip.

There it is. I'll take it. That's a good present. You want to unwrap that one, huh? Not normally a big fan of skinny bitches, but she's hot. Yep. All right. Listen to feedback.

All right. Listener feedback. That's my cue. My bad. I got the Cowboys distracting me. It's understandable. Big game going on, am I right? Yeah, man, and the lions of the teams I want if it's not the Cowboys.

So one of them has to win today, and I'm not going to like it. Yeah, there you go. This week, we shine the podcast spotlight on Give Me My Action and Horror Movies. While there are new movies that are found and enjoyable, they just don't have the same impact as the action movies you remember as kids or teenagers. Give me back my action. Damn. So why is Naz not on the show tonight? Because this is, this screams Nass. Right up his alley. Yeah.

In regards to Eternal Darkness of the Not So Spotless Minds, great show. Check that one out. Kate Pollock says, oh, thanks, guys. No problem. That's all, Brian. Brian is our man that definitely brings to the forefront a lot of our fellow podcasters. And man, man, love it when we're. We're recognized for doing that, so appreciate it, Kate. And in regards to The Fog, Stefano Peter Sini, says Undisputed Masterpiece by John Carpenter. What does that mean, like, his best movie? That's what I was trying to figure out.

I wouldn't call it as best. I wouldn't either. Is it a masterpiece? It's definitely better than that new one that had Clark Ken in it. That was terrible. I don't remember that one. The fog remake, good. All right, good that you don't remember.

That one. That's a good movie. Clark, Clark from Smallville. No, not good at all. All right, in regards to sleepaway camp, Don Lowry says, just re-watched it recently. Saw it way too young and, of course, never forgot the ending. It confuses you at certain points with being a man's hand.

doing a lot of the killing POV style, so even though you know better, it was still a clever thing to do. Classic 80s can't be goodness. Classic for a reason. Again, NAS is missing the wrong episode here. Yeah, get you with that

Seinfeld manhands. In regards to Mickey versus Winnie, Steve Clark says that looks so, so dumb. it does that looks stupid not a

Mickey Mouse versus Winnie the Pooh is that what we're doing here that's what people it looks like people wearing like little kids onesie pajamas like what are we doing

oh I probably could have talked about in news there's going to be a new thing happening a new twisted universe where they take serial killers

and somehow transfer their souls into dolls like Jackie okay yeah yeah I can say that's been done before I thought you were going to say serial killers transferred into the bodies of serial

mascots like Tony the tiger and the leprechaun what's that Steve that'd be cool I was I feel like in some areas the wrong people are being allowed to make noise for sure they're doing it and we're not It's true, I mean, yeah, well, yeah. Although your Calaveras County shit is pretty fucking awesome, dude. I'll talk more about that at the end.

Hey, you want to make it winning the poo horror movie? I get you winning the poo horror movie by the end of the day. All right, with nail polish. In regards to Stranger Things, Chris La Turner says, if you guys are curious about the true story behind the series Stranger Things, the real kids involved, the real monsters, this is not only a book, it's actually the first legal document ever covering those events which really happened in 1983 at Camp Hero,

the Montauk Air Base. It's 18 plus as it's not censored because it's a court statement. So if you want to know what really happened in this MK Ultra experiment without the usual narrative that was released, it's right here. More information and many interviews available on the official website at terror at montoc.com. That sounds up. That's up your alley, Philip.

Absolutely. M.K. Ultra, Montauck stuff. Yeah, definitely. Check out the Y files on some of that stuff. It's good. All right. And we got in regards to Ria Ripley's Art the Clown-inspired masks. Lucas Chappelle says

A Great Idea by Wicked Lester Clothing. Hmm. Not Dave Chappelle, huh? Chapel Chappelle, I don't know. Good idea. In regards to Redder or Not, too, Rob Cheshire says, Can't Wait.

There you go. And we got an email from our listener and commentary buddy, Sean Henry. Sean Henry. That's the one. Okay. I wanted to stop in and say hello, first and foremost. I hope everything is going well for you guys.

I miss being able to help with commentary episodes, and I found myself with a surplus of free time. I was wanting to offer any assistance with episodes like we did earlier this year. And if you need help last minute on the regular season, just let me know, and I'd be happy to help. I'm free and excited to do the episode on December 23rd. Uh-oh, he got some insight information, I think. Yeah.

Yeah, and Pedro is in that night, too, apparently. So it should be great fun. Be a big Christmas night, right, Brian? Let's do it. 500th episode. Oh, that's right. That's right. Steve, you should pop in, too, man.

Congratulations. What day is that? Yeah. December or Christmas. This is a day. I think it's like a Tuesday. This is a very busy month. We'll see where on it.

It was a Tuesday. It's a very busy month. Not better many people know that. All right. We got another email from fellow podcaster Samuel Matern of the Spanish Sundown podcast. As a reminder of his previous email describing his show, it's a horror history podcast about voices trapped in objects from Spain's bloody past that tell their stories in all audio drama format. I'm an American who has been living in Spain for the past 20 years, and one of the coolest things about this show is that I record Spain sounds on local. locations so the listeners can travel through their ears. If you're interested in 2,000-year-old Celts, high on mushrooms, 16th century adulterous kings and swashbuckling bandaliers, dark magic, this is for you.

We've been in touch with Samuel, and he's going to be joining us in our show in January and February, or February, one of the other. Go to his podcast, just search for Spanish sundown, wherever you think. find your podcasts okay and i have listened to one of the episodes and um i hope he's not going to judge our sound quality and special effects based on what he does because it's it's pretty top notch it's pretty professional that's awesome yeah we're not kind of similar to what steve's doing with the uh crackling fire in the background and sound effects like that on your uh calivorous County stuff, but definitely a step up

from the horror returns. I'll put it that way. No way, man. It doesn't have these voice. Well, that's true. All right, well, that's it for listener feedback. Our intro and logos come from Steve. Thank you. Original skull artwork from Natsulani.

And if you'd like to help us out, please consider becoming a Patreon. Patreon. We'll let you pick the movies for a future show at any amount. And for $5.00 more a month. Also pick a commentary for a future bonus show. All right, on to future attractions. Little creatures

take four. Who writes this shit? In the 90s. We're going to do Critters 4 from 1992 first. After being cryogenically frozen and waking up on a space station in the

near future, the critters aim to have the unwitting green for lunch. Director is Rupert Harvey, also a producer of all the Critters movies. Writer is Joseph Lyle also known for not really

anything else. Critters 4 is the only Critters movie where the critters are unable to shoot poison darts at their victim. Oh shit. Unable or unwilling. All external

space scenes. and many sets are lifted from one of Don Keith's earlier films, Android. Yeah, they do that a couple of times. They do that, don't they? They do that. I was like, is that a ship on a string?

What are we doing? All right, Critters 4. Steve, what did you think? Yeah, this one wasn't very good. I mean, look, Brad Dorff tried his hardest. Yeah, he did. And he was, he did all right. He did all right.

And I don't know who. who the um who the gal was on this movie but she was doing all right too you know she was she had she had a half she had a half she had a punch of people in the face and i like that angela bassett is that angela bassett i couldn't it i couldn't look like it but i just couldn't believe she would slum it and critters for it was early wow wow i didn't i missed it i was like i was like it's not angela bassett you thought not angela bassett i thought yeah i thought like a lookalike that's a chick that looks just like Angela Masick. Holy shit. Well, she did great.

She tried. I mean, they tried. This is terrible material. They live, they're in the future on the spaceship, but they're all wearing clothes from 1992. Yeah, and it's only, what, like, 50 years in the future, and they've already got all this tech. And, like, I think one of the characters is a throwaway line like, Earth, I've never been to Earth. I've spent my whole life out here spacefaring. It's really. It's like the, so it would be like now, right?

I thought there was a couple of cool scenes, like the one where Brad Doroff was getting Charlie the gun. And I thought that that was kind of a cool idea that like the cult, he would like set it up like a display. Like he's a nerd. Like he's like, this old shit that I had. He's got the bullets and as someone that has collected. Okay. You're giving us a lot of crap, buddy. I was like that was kind of cool.

Yeah. Of course. Listen, this is on the critter scale, Lance. We're not judging this against other films. Except then he starts to waste an ammo like he's got. Oh, I know. A terrible shot. I think he shot every bullet, didn't he?

And not one hole breach, amazing. Yeah, it just wasn't very, it just wasn't good. It wasn't good. And the critters weren't very good. Yeah, it was just kind of boring. Very boring. Yeah, a lot of wide open spaces. I feel bad for some of the people involved.

It's like, aw. It's such a miss. Yeah. People, if you can't make a space movie, don't make a space movie. Lepricon tried it. They didn't do a good job. The only one that got it close. Jason.

Jason. That's it. Jason X. Right one. Jason X rules. Brian, what do you think? Garbage. Oh, no.

Worst one out of the series. What? The worst one. So far. You're out of your mind. Like Steve said, Brad Duraff was giving it as all in this movie. I don't know why. Nobody else was.

Like when he was arguing with the computer, that was good. It was like throwing turns out and stuff, all that was good. The main thing that pissed me off was I looked at the time. We don't get critters until almost 45 minutes, 50 minutes into the movie. Yeah, I noticed that too. And when you're on number four, that's too long. You don't get critters until that point in the movie and this movie is less than an hour and a half. Right.

It's bad. And my other critique is we went from Brad. to Ethan. We went from Steve to this guy. Steve, how does it feel to get replaced by this guy? Oh, that's right. That's right. It was no good. This guy was not likable at all. But there were some cool moments, like the captain when he had all the critters that were shoving into his mouth. That was a good effect. That was pretty great. That was cool. There's a little butt just sticking out of his mouth a whole Lance can't find the joy.

He was just like, no, none of it. I got to try to find the little shiny spots in all the poop, you know? The little curder nuggets. Yeah. But those Mormons were far and few. Oh, yeah, there was a lot of shit to sift through. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, Angela Bassett, she was doing what I guess she could do in this movie.

Yeah. We got a lot of Angel Abbasso. Being mostly naked. That raises it a point of truth just by itself. Yeah, yeah, well. That camera lingered for a minute. I was like, yo-you-law. So did that captain.

Charlie was annoying through the whole movie. Oh, God. It's like he never progressed as a bounty hunter. He hasn't progressed as a character. Well, that's kind of the point, though, right? In four movies. Even up to the end of the movie. I know.

Or they're like, don't press any buttons. Yeah, he just can't help himself, right? Yeah. You know. He's coming, man. That's the fucking guy you leave here. His bounty hunter buddy is like now a suit and he's like, don't fuck with him more. So is it the same, uh?

Things change. I figured it was. He played it off like he didn't know Charlie, but then they had a moment. He basically told Charlie things change. Okay. Yeah, but he just, it just, the way that he was like playing it off, I was like, is this even the same person? Yeah, and they're supposed to be like shape-shifter bounty hunters, like, so you just age? I know.

How do you age? He kept this shape. Try to keep that continuity, Steve. I know. This wasn't good. I figured he was a clone or something, right? Since they are shapeshifters, I don't know. You think it was the same character, Brian?

Yeah, I mean. Angela Bassett punched that shit out of that dude. I guess it's neither here nor there, right? Yeah, she did. He rocked his fucking world. Well, after he already wasted one of your guys, just... She had the gun in her head. He's like, pah!

I was like, oh, my God. Boom, motherfucker. That fell flew against the wall. Right? All right, Lance, what did you think? Yeah, no, I mean, everything's, you know, said is right? They couldn't even save it, right? Chuckie and Angela Bassett couldn't save this steaming pipe.

of horseship, right? It was just, really, I don't really want to say it was terrible. It was just boring. As, as has been brought up, it was 45 minutes in before you even saw one of the creatures. And I don't know, you guys are talking about continuity. I mean, there's parts where number one, Angela Bassett was like stomping the eggs, right? And why'd they stop her? They're like, no, no, don't stop the eggs. And then at the end, the kids like juggling the not Steve Carlton, the new not Steve Carlton, is like juggling the little... You set it up earlier in the movie that he knows how to juggle

see, so it's a pale. Oh, that's right, the McGuffin, okay. There it is. But then he's like, these are the last ones, but they're fucking all over the place. It's like... How did they get here? He probably walked into that audition. I would imagine he did. I would imagine so. What kind of special talents do you have?

Oh, I can juggle. Yeah, there was no, there was no logic to this, right? Like, where did they come from? Why are they all over the place? I thought they were just in the capsule. Why does Brad do not, man, like an IT help desk guy from 1993?

I don't understand. Because this is 1993 and he's the IT help desk guy. That's the role he plays in the movie. Put him in a chrome shirt or something. Like, we've got to make it look, feel like the future. You got to try. You can't just have

the boy's window next to his bed. foil shirt. It was painted with stars. It was like a painting. Boy, oh boy. Yeah, this was just boring, man. I didn't enjoy it. It wasn't. The other movies were all a joy to watch. Bad as they were in parts, they were fun. This one lost it.

I jumped shark, whatever you want to call it. It's just didn't need to be made. Man, I'm kind of surprised at the outcome on this one, because I kind of enjoyed this one. Well, there you go. There's one in every crowd. folks. I'm more high on it than I'm, it was terrible

but you're high all right if you like this movie. It's silly, it's silly terribleness from a Critters movie it's not. Well, yeah, it's silly terrible from a Critter's movie but I feel like in space this is where this works because Critters just seems like a bad

Star Trek episode right? I guess so a really bad sur trick episode. They didn't do enough of the in space stuff for it to feel like it justified it being in space like even leprechaun in space did space stuff at least it was just in a space station

and I feel like they almost had this space station movie and they were like hey we got the rights to critters let's throw them in there literally we just throw them from off camera into the movie probably what happened but it actually

it kept my attention and had it a pretty decent cast for a critters for And you can see how many people looked it off. I'm like, Alien Resurrection ripped off this movie for their whole crew. Like, they look exactly the same as this team here. Well, that's what, but that's what they were doing is ripping off space movies. They were like, ah, well, you know, like in aliens where all the different characters get together and talk.

Very alien heavy, right? Very rip-up, very much ripping off alien. You had the, you had the trash compactor scene from Star Wars. okay in the future are you going to have laminated cards that use a dry eraser marker to a circle and scratch dates off of or a tablet device of some part depends on when the movie was made how else are you going to get into the pharmacy that's true oh that was hilarious that that scene it's so bad that it's kind of enjoyable but like his randomly dumping pills all over the place that's what I'm saying he's dumping them all over the floor anyway and then he like jumps down to the floor to pick them all up I'm like what's got a whole pharmacy around the whole fucking shit laid on the floor

just grab more out of the trace and go but I I kind of enjoyed this one more than the last definitely more than the last one maybe more than the last couple of critters even even a young Leo

couldn't save the last one but even Chuck, he couldn't say this. Plus, it was fun, though, man. All right. Agreed to disagree, Philip. All right. Let's go score.

Steve, what do you think? Yeah, this one's hard to put a score on. Let's go four and a half. Okay. Brian? Two. Ouch. Lance.

Dose. I'm giving it a six. I like this movie. All right, hot shot Okay I'm giving it a six on a real movie schedule Good for you, Wow, a real movie for you.

Good for you, stick to your guns. I like what I like, I don't give a fuck. It's like an eight on the gooies, critter's scale. I know, easy. Nine, nine and a half. Maybe I was at a good move. Was this your favorite critter's movie, I think it might be.

Sounds like it. What? What really stuck out, though, that you enjoyed so much? I just, I like the space atmosphere of it. Because the critters are kind of stupid. I think it's a stupid character, and they have stupid abilities. And so the more that they downplayed, the stupid critters. Right.

And they downplayed it a lot. You got to think of what, about five minutes of screen time? Sci-fi space thing is where I want to be not a fucking apartment building in the Bronx. Okay. Okay. All right. All right. On to the next one. We've got gooies four. Yep, there's four of them. Yep. Maybe more. I don't know. A retired occultist turned police officer. That's the guy from the first movie for some reason. You're just allowed to go into law enforcement after that?

I know. You have to take like a background check or what? Ask questions and you're not supposed to lie about it. Have you ever summoned the devil? A retired occultist turned police officer must battle a former lover as she attempts to summon demonic forces. A former lover. After escaping an asylum.

How many former lovers did he have in this movie? He's got a lot of current game. guys a player I'll say director is Jim Wynorski also known for chopping mall and Dino Gator

writers Mark Seve and Jeffrey Levy Okay They rhyme for a reason Sevy and Levy The reason that the goolies were played by actors and costumes as opposed to puppets was because

Cinnettel films couldn't afford to use the puppet props of the original goolies. I'm going to say that again. Cinnettel films couldn't afford to use the puppet props from the original

goolies. Ouch. That was a thing. Wow. It reuses the same haunted car crash sequence from 976 Evil 2. Okay. That's fine.

All right, Steve, what did you think about Goolies 4? What even was this movie? I didn't even know what it was about until an hour in when fucking Homeboy just decided to drop all the exposition to this girl in the car. I was like, oh, that's what it's about. No kidding. You know, it's about this lady. One way to get shit to speak. We used to be into the devil.

And by the fuck. I was like, is that the same guy? Now, what this movie had going before it, where it lacked its story had going for a night candy. It was quite nice It was good visuals all throughout It's quite a nice Starts out with the porno leather chick Sure

And listen she was great Throwing fucking Chinese stars at people Yeah she was great The leap from puppets To midgets So So blatantly It's just so

I just didn't like it. The ghoulies weren't even a part of this movie. We were just looking at them like looking at it. Talking about your continuity problems, right? Like it's like, hey, what's going on over here? I don't know. Hey, hey, see. What are we doing?

Like, I was like, what the fuck are we doing? And then they pop in at the very end, have like a ring around the rosy fight and then fuck off back to hell, like on their own. I was like, what? And then they came back. Yeah, they came back. No explanation. They just did.

Right. Yeah, they were 100% an afterthought in this movie. Seems that way, right? Was it better than Goolies 4? Or Critters 4, maybe? But I don't think I liked it more. At least Critters 4 had a beginning, middle, and then this was just kind of, you were just following people around for a little while.

Weird, right? Weird. I didn't understand what the point was. And then it ended, and I'm like, yep, still don't understand what the point of any of that was. And they're like, Joitors were Goolies 4, part 2. I was like, I fucking hope not. God damn help us

Steve it was that they kept filming it like that same retrofitted convenience store like they would change the sign like it was a liquor store and then it was a different liquor store it was pretty rough yeah we're getting into the weeds now

these this one was pretty rough I didn't like this one at all at all the ladies were nice other than that no good no good all right Brian what you think see the thing is I'm a simple man Uh-oh

Latex-clad women Throwing Ninja Stars And silences on their weapons Sold Immediately Goolies that looked like they were costumes From the You guys ever see the Garbage Kill

Garbage Kill Kid movie Of course Yeah And they kind of sounded like The Goombuzz from that Super Mario movie Oh yeah The Bob Hoskins movie

Right Try to connect it a little bit to the original, using the same actor. How do you become a cultist turned cop? I don't know. I don't care. I went with it. Brian's bringing some good points up, guys. Why?

Yes, police department was pretty loose. Why is he bringing back this specific actor? But his points are, I don't care. Particularly good. I mean, of course he's a police officer. This police department is pretty loose on their rules. I mean, the police chiefs banging people. Yeah, that's true.

You see who they hired as his partner, this bumming idiot. That looks just like Al Pacino, allegedly. The story. I don't know what the story was. Things were happening. The gooies would show up. I thought they were trying to, I don't know who they were helping. Were they?

Sorry. Seemed like they were good guy guileys, right? They were just sort of there. Yeah, but what was their mission? Yeah, I don't know what they were doing. They just had their stick. Comic relief. And they were trying to get back home.

Yeah, I think Phillips right. Did they fuck that prostitute? Yes. The one they saved and then she was like, oh, I'm going to thank me. She had to get it. Yes, yes. Oh. That's the scene.

I was kind of expecting some boobs in that scene. Yeah, I was disappointed by the lack of boots. But this seems like the perfect, like, PG-13 movie. Yep. Gateway. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I mean, you got scantily glad, leather chicks.

We were 14 watching this, of course. Well, I let my 14-year-old self watch this movie, and I kind of enjoyed it. I couldn't tell you where the story was going or what happened at the end or if it even mattered that anything happened at the end, I just kind of went with it because. I don't know. Who was the bad guy? It was Foust. Foust. Why did Foust look like?

It just looks like Michael jumped out of the shower with a robe. With a lisp. All of a sudden, for some reason. I am Foust. I'm going to tell you the evil things to do. No, so stop in the pen to do. Instagram.

I saw a lot of funny videos. Like, isn't it fucked up? Like, the word Lisp? Like, people with the list can't really. Yeah, cruel joke. Cruel joke. That's really funny. That doctor's a fucking asshole.

Whoever made it. Oh, shit. Oh, man. Brian makes a lot of really good points. But then I also. kind of think, why didn't we get any exposed breast, right? We didn't get any full beauty, no frontal. Yeah, I mean, I love the, I love the, I love the, I'm stumbling for words here.

I love looking at the chicks, but I probably would have enjoyed it more if they revealed a little bit more. And there's zero to the story here, right? Like, it's all over the place. And I don't know, it's like all the women were either prostitutes or police chiefs trying to be prostitutes or get with their fellow officers. This girlfriend was a prostitute, right?

Literally. I think so. I was waiting for the cat fight. I was confused. Between the hot police chief and the hot prostitute. I was confused at times. My guy, me too. I was like, here we go.

And then they didn't. They just were really catty with each other. Like, all right, dirty Harriet. I was like, what the fuck? Brian, Brian was super confused. Yeah, I was confused because at one moment, they look like they're a couple and then the next moment

she's bringing a payment. Yeah. You're right. Girls got to do what the girls got to do, right? I know. That doesn't make sense, right? But that's what you pay the prostitians for, to go the

fuck away. Fuck away. Yeah, you're not paying them for the sex. You're paying them to go away, right? Wow. I don't know. Yeah, this was... That's a good turn. Man, the last movie was amazing. and had no logistics, this one was even worse.

It's, where are we going here, guys? I mean, seriously, is this what we've gotten to on these? I mean, they've outlived their usefulness, haven't they? This is the problem when you watch all of a whole franchise. It's like you really start getting into the weeds. You realize why they stopped making them in a certain point. Remember, we did all those halting flicks too. That's true. That's true.

But I was thinking with children in the corn, like at least we got urban harvest, right? which was fun. And I guess in the last... That was number two. That was three. Oh, yeah. Three. And it was like nine of those.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure the point I'm making anymore at this point. It's like what is happening. Goalies four broke plants. See, I knew I would come up with one eventually. And I feel like howling just slowly continued to fall apart. Until they got to the hillbillies and the country bar. Yeah.

a British guy with the long hair who everyone thought it was hot. Here's like, ah, here's just some dude that some guy made or some movie that some dude made. I'm going to bring it back up though. I like this movie, man.

I thought it was a lot of fun. How? Oh, man. I got to get, I got to get that sweet Texas. Like, it is, it's,

it's definitely a B movie. The acting is terrible. You think? I don't know why this guy still has a job. I imagine these are probably the only couple of movies that he's done. Probably. But it's cheesy in kind of the best ways. Like, it's so, like, I rolled my eyes so many times at this movie.

You don't know how cheesy it is. It's cheesy where he's like, ex-girlfriends are of pain. Or no, if girlfriends are a pain, but F, ex-girlfriends can really be hell. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's the kind of blinds that they have. He says it smiles at the camera. Yeah, it's cheesy.

It's hard. Like the end of the movie when they start like monologuing, like the leather chick is like, oh, here's all the wrong that you've done me and I'm trying to. Like it just, it's so over the top and ridiculous. Or you can see the script. Yes. Like, it reminds me of that heavy metal movie where, like, at the end,

when they're throwing, like, stupid stars. When did that necklace thing turn into a gun? Yeah. I didn't even catch that. Wham, wham, she was, like, glassing with the little green ball. Like a car alarm gun. Okay, I see what you're saying. You guys are just saying a whole bunch of good stuff.

And then they literally, she could shot by the thing, and the portal opens up, and she runs backwards. off-scre. Yeah. She goes, no. That's right. And that's sort of how I was watching it, especially at the end.

It's just like backwards. It's so bad. It's good. I didn't get to the good part. I was just like, wow. I love the whole thing was so bad. It's good. The stupid gooies.

like dialogue with these little like midgets and terrible masks yeah you know one of them was you guys know Tony Cox from a bad Santa oh okay yeah he was one of the really

yeah oh he was the one with a really bad mask well you gotta start somewhere this movie had like a fucking pun every 30 seconds like yeah not a good one not a good fun either they were that like

this movie has so it's like nachos dude this movie has so much cheese it's ridiculous and i love every second of it okay this might be my favorite gooies movie uh oh yeah these were two of my favorite i loved these movies more than the more than the one at the uh at the fair yes wow yeah no way not for me yeah for sure this this was this was a lot of it didn't have anything to do with like the gooies goos i signed up for a puffin franchise how dare they flip turn into a midget franchise you know what if you're gonna throw a midget franchise

instead of puppets I go right it's okay with that Steve do midgets we can't afford the puppets you little guys want to get in there that's fucked up I mean can't afford these fake puppets

but I can afford you that's fucked up wow that just hit home dude That's what I'm saying. They couldn't afford the puppets from the original ghoulies. What? I could have made those puppets from the original gullies.

You probably could. Steve could have made it by putting some going to Home Depot and buying some shit, you know? Well, they went to Home Depot and got some midgets and threw them in shitty costumes, and it was fantastic. I liked their dialogue. I thought it was funny. I guess you did. I think we know which... Judging on the dialogue,

I think we know which one was the guy from Bad Santa. You think so? Like, they didn't have any, like, super memorable lines, but every time they came on screened, I, like, chuckled. Yeah, like, one guy sounded like an old white guy. One guy sounded like an old white guy, and the other one did not. Yes.

We'll just leave it at that. They played fast and lose. It was like some Transformers shit. I was like, whoa. It's funny. Yeah, man, I had a good time with this one. All right. Let's do scores.

Steve, what do you think? I'm going to go two and a half. Ouch. Fair enough. I'm going to bring it back up to a seven. Awesome. Lance. One.

One. Ouch. One. One. One. Yeah, I'm going to go seven also, man. Goolies wins this round. This movie was so fucking stupid that it was fantastic.

This is going to be a tough one. This is going to be a vote for sure. Photo finish here, huh? This one reminded me a lot of that stupid heavy metal movie. Hard Rock, what was it? Was it called? it was it called heavy metal yeah okay that yeah heavy metal nightmare right now heavy metal nightmare oh i thought you were talking about the animated movie no no no no no no oh no

no that was no the starfish and stuff on the guy on his on his man boobs rock and roll nightmare there it is this reminded me a lot of that where i i watched it and it was so bad but i loved it the whole old time. Put this one on repeat in Philip's house all the time, huh? Chicks and plether with Chinese stars.

That does have a lot of replayability. I will say. But better than Angela Bassett? I mean, I don't know. Angela Bassett wasn't spin kicking people.

But Angela Bassett was naked in the shower and you got to see it. I don't, I kind of feel like it was an Angela Bassett. Was that an Angela Bassett? Stunt double. She didn't have a lot of credit at this point, though. So, I mean, you know, people do silly roles early, right?

It was Critters 4, Brian. They couldn't afford a body double. I agree. They might have, because we're talking Critters 4 and not Goolies 4. True. True. Good point. Crutters 4, they saved.

They saved money. They saved money on sets and reading shots from other movies. So Critters won round 1. ahead on this one right well critters definitely one round one what about two yes i think two also i think no i think you got i think two i think you got i think we got two yeah two was the fair yeah two are you sure two yeah i think we gave gullies two okay and then critters one three again no i don't know it was goleys at college because y'all like that one College versus Critters in the Bronx.

Oh, that's right. I like Goolies go to college. Yeah, I voted Critters, and you guys all voted Goolies. So this one's, we're going to be tied, right? Well, it all depends. I think Critters won round four, but clearly Brian and Philip don't. I think Critters barely by a nose. Well, looks like we're going to end on a tie because there is no Goolies 5.

There's a fifth Critters movie. We could use numbers We could use numbers Because y'all did seven and seven I did one Steve did two and a half right So that's All right

We'll just say it's a tie Because really It doesn't really matter Yeah Before we Because the whoever wins All they beat was the other shitty movie That's true

Does it really matter The bad gooies movies are worse than the bad Critters movies. Fair enough. Yeah, fair statement. But I feel like they're more entertaining. Also true. Hmm. God damn it.

I don't care. Look. Are we going to do Critters 5 too? Yeah, we're going to do it as a commentary. Oh, sweet. All right. That's cool. That's awesome.

Is anybody famous in that one? It's the return of D. Well, probably. Oh, nice. Not bad. Tell us back Calaveras County. Okay, so we have two episodes out now. It's called the Calaveras Campfire, and it's all based on local legends of this area.

The first episode came in at 25 minutes. Second one, 45 minutes. That was a fucking haul to edit that. Really? Was it just a longer story? It was just a longer story. I got carried away, writing it, and then, like, it just, like, I wrote basically, like, the last 10 minutes is, like, a movie scene. And when I did all the editing, I did sound effects.

There's a chase involving a police car and a headless bandito. They're having a gunfight while having a chase down a mountain road. And it's all sound effects, cars driving, gunshots, all the stuff. Of course. There's music and I add all that kind of stuff. So it's a lot of fun. And for the third one, I have to invent this one whole cloth. Because like the first two, I got to use a little bit of actual facts on real people.

from the area. You're going to make the third one up? Oh, yeah. The third one is a complete fabrication. So it's getting really, it's really cool. Basically, I'm inventing a little mountain resort town up here in the 80s that gets attacked on Christmas Eve

by a monster. So this will come out before Christmas then? Yes, yes. It'll come out. Okay. Yeah. And one of the monsters calling cards is he uses the entrails of his victims to decorate the trees around the area.

so like as they do yeah it'll be a nice holiday tie-in very festive yeah yeah yeah i got to find away and i got to make the 95-year-old cedric clout read it so is he still around i mean that may sound insensitive jeez well yeah you're not recording it at the graveyard no it's he's he's a lot of fun to uh to to do the show with and yeah it's it's a lot of work it's a ton of work writing is tricky just because I'm really hard on myself when I make people proofread it and all that

and go back and edit edit edit so you don't rob zombie it then no no and then also it's the editing process you know it's tricky when you're 95 you don't tend to follow a lot of instructions very well like hey before you turn the page can you like stop talking

and then turn it and then start again like I edit out what I can but at 95 is real hard you know so there's a reason that campfire track is in the background that hides a lot of some of that bullshit you know but so far so good i think it's coming out good we've got got nothing but positive feedback so where uh where is it again just like wherever you find podcast or yeah it's on apple spotify all that stuff just look up uh calaveras campfire and you will find it calaveras campfire all right well as always we want to thank you guys for listening to another episode

to The Horror Returns. We'd love to hear your feedback and ideas. We'd love for you to join us on a commentary. So reach out to us at The Horror Returns at gmail.com or just go to thehorrorreturns.com. We've locked it in for at least another year. So we'll see how that goes. Check out our new YouTube channel that Philip is in charge of. So it's got to be a lot of naked women and drugs there, I imagine. So, you got to monetize. You won't be on YouTube. But speaking of commentaries, Lance, what you guys got going on on Patreon? Oh, yeah, we do have a Patreon exclusive running. Our good friend Jay Black has been hanging out with me.

We're watching the Monster the Ed Gein story. I think we're two episodes in, so we'll hit all eight of those. So check it out on Patreon. You know how we are. We like to give it away, too. So once the eight episodes run, it'll be on the regular feed. but a lot of fun to do. Thanks for asking, Brian.

And next week, kid stuff, right? Banana splits and Freddy's and all kinds of stuff, right? Sure. My daughter's excited. I'll bet. I think a lot of... I'm kind of excited for that banana splits movie.

Have you seen that one, Phillip or Steve? No. Never have. All right. I'll be waiting in your guys' review. Animatron. week. So until the horror returns again, Steve, good night. I don't know.