The Iced Coffee Hour - Dating Expert: Why 90% Of Men Will NEVER Get A Girlfriend – Do THIS Instead!

Starting point is 00:00:00 What I see a lot of is just so much reliance on online dating. And the reality is for 95% of guys online and dating apps aren't going to be a fruitful place for them to meet women. My name is Blaine Anderson, and I'm the founder and CEO of Dating by Blaine. What are the biggest mistakes the guys under 35 are making? They aren't meeting women out in real life. They aren't approaching the women that they see that they're attracted to. Online dating is really super,

Starting point is 00:00:30 official, 5% of men get 95% of the matches. But that doesn't mean there isn't another way. I'll do it for 10. Defining what makes somebody good at dating has changed so rapidly. And what you need to be good at does not come naturally to most people. What are the things that they could start doing immediately? My biggest piece of advice for a guy who's looking to improve his score with women is to Blaine Anderson, thank you so much for coming on the ice coffee hour. Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here. So you're a dating coach with over 6,000 clients. You actually made a pitch on Shark Tank and made a deal with Mark Cuban because you're making millions of dollars a year, helping people find the right match.

Starting point is 00:01:18 I did. I was on Shark Tank. So what would you say are the top screaming biggest mistakes people are currently making in dating? Okay, so there's a lot. How much time do we have here? Let's just break it down like top like three things. Yeah. Top three mistakes, especially men, I work exclusively with men, is not sticking their neck out enough. So not taking risks when it comes to meeting women like by approaching, for example. Putting too much emphasis on online dating, kind of a subcategory of that. But I think it's worth naming on its own because it's definitely a problem. And waiting to start living their best life until they have a girlfriend.

Starting point is 00:01:57 So an example of that might be, oh, I've always really wanted to go to Italy, but I'd rather wait and do it when I have a girlfriend to share it with. That's a mistake. Why would you say so many great guys suck at dating? They don't teach it in school. So much of what makes somebody good at dating is different that now than it was 50 years ago, it's changed so rapidly. And what you need to be good at does not come naturally to most people. Communicating in 150 characters via text message or a date. app profile, understanding how to navigate thousands of options. Our brains weren't wired to have 10,000 options, or at least perceived options online. Our brains were wired to maybe have a couple options at the watering hole that we walked up to, and that's just not the case anymore. So people are very confused about how to handle it. So what are the biggest mistakes the guys

Starting point is 00:02:49 under 35 are making right now when it comes to dating? Yeah, I mean, those same ones. So what I see a lot of, especially in the under 35, is just so much reliance on online dating. Like, that's really, like, they aren't meeting women out in real life. They aren't approaching the women that they see that they're attracted to. They go, and then they go home and swipe on the apps and end up frustrated that they aren't getting matches or they feel rejected when their matches don't turn into dates. And the reality is, for 95% of guys online and dating apps, aren't going to be a fruitful place for them to meet women. Why is that? Is it because their profile is not good or they're just not like interesting enough? They're not standing out?

Starting point is 00:03:29 It's a little bit of all of those things. For some guys, it is as simple as their profile sucks. I have looked at thousands of dating app profiles and never once has a guy sent me a profile and I'm like, you know what? It looks great. Keep it exactly like you have it. Never. There's always things that they can do to improve it. But there's also a lot of men who are relying on dating apps who are never going to get the matches that they desire, either because they are short. or because they are bald or because they're an ethnicity that, you know, people aren't choosing to engage with on dating apps. And that's just the reality of it. Online dating is really superficial. So there are certain characteristics that you just aren't going to be able to come, but women in person aren't going to care. If you're short, like you're shorter than a woman, maybe a couple inches shorter, you walk up to her in real life at a bar and you're confident. You carry yourself well. You're engaging, you're funny, you know what to say. She's not going to care that you're shorter than her.

Starting point is 00:04:28 But on a dating app, she may not even see her profile if she has a height filter set that she doesn't want to look at anyone under 510, which is the reality for a lot of people. So maybe dating apps work really well for those who have like desirable physical characteristics. Yeah, like 5% of men. And then for 95% of men, it's a struggle. Yeah, that's pretty well established. Like 5% of men get 95% of the matches when it comes to online dating. And the rest are left feeling frustrated. But the problem is dating apps will give them a little bit of a taste.

Starting point is 00:04:59 So they're showing them these really beautiful women. So they feel just within reach. And maybe if I just keep swiping a little bit more, you know, people have spent millions of dollars making dating apps addictive. It's like social media. You're getting this dopamine hit if someone engages with you. You're seeing this attractive profile. So it feels really possible and really close when the reality is it's oftentimes not. Yeah, it's crazy how many matches women get on.

Starting point is 00:05:23 dating apps. This happened about 10 years ago, but a buddy was on Tinder. It's not getting any matches. And for fun, we made a fake profile of just an average looking girl, just average, like nothing special. And we started swiping on every guy. And it became, like, after an hour, like, everyone was a match. He was like, match, match, match, match. And his phone started getting so many notifications of matches and messages that his phone started overheating and then wouldn't turn on. He kept trying to open Tinder and it just would glitch because it just got too many matches. Like his phone couldn't handle the amount of matches. It probably got up to a point of like eight or 900 matches before the profile was shut down.

Starting point is 00:06:07 Wow. And that's an average looking woman. So imagine like an attractive looking woman. You know what's funny? I also heard that most women are only on Tinder for like a day or two because they get overwhelmed. Or it's just like too many matches or too many just like, hey, what's up? And I'm tired of it. Men and women face very different challenges dating, but especially online. The challenge men have is how do I stand out?

Starting point is 00:06:29 And the problem women have is how do I tell the good from the bad or who might actually be a good partner? So neither one has it easier. But this is why I tell my clients when they're feeling frustrated or get in their feelings because a woman doesn't match with them or a woman ghosts them before they've ever met. Like, you are nobody to her. She hasn't even, you're not even a blip on her radar yet. So don't take it personally when you don't hear back from her. That's just the reality of online dating. So what makes you a dating expert? How do you get that title? Yeah. I get guys results that they're looking for. So I didn't study dating or psychology in school, but I am self-trained from my own

Starting point is 00:07:10 dating experiences and then just working with thousands of clients and helping them get the results that they want over many years. Yeah, but how do you start doing that? Where you just like, the girl the guys would go to is like, hey, I'm not getting matches or like, what do I stay on this date and you'd help them? Yeah, it started organically in college. I was just helping my guy friends, especially if they'd have questions about a sorority sister of mine, like, oh, how should I approach this situation or how could I, you know, get in with her, like put in a good word. And I always just really liked talking about dating and relationships. I never thought of it. as a career possibility. And then I moved to New York City. This was, you know, 15 years ago,

Starting point is 00:07:50 10 years ago. So online dating was just becoming popular where it wasn't weird to meet somebody from the internet where previous to that it kind of was. And I would talk to my guy friends who I knew were awesome guys who would make really good boyfriends. And I would look at their dating app profile and be like, no wonder you're not getting matches. This is not communicating well about you. you don't look good here. So I would just help them either take pictures or spruce up their prompts and they would get better matches. And then they'd say, oh, you should help my other friend. So it just sort of happened organically. Then in 2020, I was working in the travel industry and the pandemic hit and my business went to zero overnight. So I was like, oh, you know, I've always really

Starting point is 00:08:35 enjoyed talking about dating and helping people get better results dating. I wonder if I could turn this into, at the time I wasn't thinking a career, but I was like, oh, I could just, you know, package what I talk about into a course. And then I could offer it to more men at a lower price point. So I made my first course and it turned out there was a lot of demand, especially at that time, people were wondering how the heck do I date with the world shut down. And it took off from there. What are the typical demos of your clients? So a lot of people assume, oh, you must work with some really weird guys. And that's not true at all. The majority of the majority of of the guys I work with are awesome. They have a lot going for them in their professional and

Starting point is 00:09:17 personal lives and they just want their dating life to catch up. They realize that that aspect of their life has fallen behind. So most of my clients fall into one of two categories. The first is who I call the engineer. He may or may not actually be an engineer, but usually works in a technical field, spends a lot of time behind a computer, oftentimes with other males he works with, engages with, doesn't have a lot of experience with women. And then the second is the divorcee. So has come out of a long-term relationship, was maybe married, maybe has kids, didn't expect to find himself single again. And a lot has changed since the last time he was on the market. And he wants to know, okay, what do I do now? Is anyone ever undaatable? Like, you just see him

Starting point is 00:10:01 and it's instant like, okay, because no, I can't help you. Not typically men who come to me, because if you are looking to make change and you're open to feedback and open to self-growth, then change is possible and you are datable. The type of person who I might say, like, yeah, sorry is someone who's unwilling to change, unwilling to look at themselves in the mirror and be honest with themselves. What would you say is your biggest success story? Definitely. I love getting the marriage announcements. I've had a few baby announcements, which is really exciting.

Starting point is 00:10:32 Like, hey, like, you know, I took your course. I got married and now I have a baby. I'm like, you named them after me, right? Haven't had that happen yet. But just hearing that guys are confident, you know, I don't just count marriage or starting a family as success. Because that's not what everybody wants. And sometimes that takes a lot longer to get to that point. So I really consider it successful if a guy just says, you know, I wasn't sure how to put my best foot forward before.

Starting point is 00:11:01 I wasn't feeling like my authentic self on dates or I couldn't market myself. well, and now I'm doing those things, and I'm meeting women I'm excited about. That's my ultimate goal and what I love to hear. So how does your advice differ from a guy? Like if I'm asking a guy for dating advice versus you. I'm sure there are men who give similar dating advice to me. I'm definitely not, I don't say, oh, my dating advice is better just because I'm a female. But the major difference between me and some, like, the pickup artist content out there that you might be familiar with, which is some guy dating coaches, is that content tends to be more focused around how to get results at any cost, whether that's manipulation or what you need to say to make

Starting point is 00:11:44 her feel a certain way, where I try and focus my advice on being your best, most authentic self that is going to attract women that you are going to be compatible with. But what if your authentic self just isn't attractive? Yeah, that can be possible. That's a product problem, and it requires you to do some upgrading, to build the life that a woman is going to be excited about joining or contributing to. Here's the counter to that. You have a lot of people saying, well, there's a lover and a provider, and what you're aiming for is more of the provider.

Starting point is 00:12:18 Whereas if you're just engaging, exciting, live a fun life or carefree, you would have just as good, if not better results than the person who has, like, their career together and is ambitious. Yeah. So it's a sliding scale. Some women are going to care more about one than the other, and that also can be affected by age. I often have clients ask, well, how does your advice differ if I'm in my 20s versus my 30s by what you're saying women want? It's like, well, a woman in her 20s is probably going to put a heavier emphasis on, are you fun to be around? Are you exciting? What are you offering me in those categories where a woman who's more ready to settle down is considering children is going to put more emphasis on your trajectory, where you're going, like, are you going to be able to step up and provide? So both are important and different women are going to put a stronger emphasis on one versus the other. We had Greg Doucette, who's a fitness influencer on the podcast. He also loves talking about dating. He said every inch in height is like making an extra $30,000

Starting point is 00:13:24 per year. And I think he was referencing a study. So it wasn't like he's just pulling that out of nowhere. Have you noticed this to be somewhat true? Like, or are those numbers completely off? And is this even an important thing to consider? I don't think those numbers are completely off. It doesn't sound crazy to me. Unfortunately, a lot of, especially when you're looking online and it's, you're taking superficial things into account more.

Starting point is 00:13:48 Height is important. When does it start to taper off for height? I would say once you're over six feet. So, like, six foot two is, worse than six foot one? No, like so six foot two is, the return start diminishing. Exactly. So if you're six foot or six two, a woman's not like that much more excited. You know, it's just like, okay, he's over six feet. Got it. And what about the ideal age for men to date and for women

Starting point is 00:14:15 to date? I am a firm believer that age truly is just a number, but you are going to have more in common with people within a few years of your age. So you're just going to more to talk about. you're going to be more in the same places in life. That being said, men tend to, I have seen have better luck dating women who are a little bit younger and women tend to gravitate towards men who are a little bit older, often because they do have the ability to provide more. They've demonstrated more of those qualities that can make a good long-term partner. But I know plenty of women who date younger guys as well.

Starting point is 00:14:53 Welcome aboard via rail. Please sit and enjoy. Please sit and stretch. Steep. Flip. Or that and enjoy. Via Rail, love the way. It works out.

Starting point is 00:15:10 And we read the comments. We see all the podcasts. And one of the common threads is you never ask a fisherman, or you never ask a fish how to fish, but an experienced fisherman. What do you say to that? So I like, I obviously hear this as well in my comments even. But I would take that back to what's the premise of how are you thinking about dating if you're comparing it to fishing?

Starting point is 00:15:35 Because when you're fishing, you're essentially tricking that fish into biting the hook. You use your bait and then you wheel them in. And that's not what dating should be about. You're not trying to trick a woman into biting into being interested in you. Instead, you're trying, in my opinion, especially if you're looking for a long-term partner, you're looking for somebody who you are mutually compatible with. who you can grow with, who you are excited to be around, and they're excited to be around you, which is very different than thinking like, oh, I'm going to trick this woman into coming with me or

Starting point is 00:16:08 going out with me. Is there a difference in dating if you're looking to just not have a long-term partner but have fun versus finding someone who's like a long-term match? Like, how do you approach that situation differently? It doesn't have to be different. What I teach in my methodology around approaching women and getting to know women is going to work whether you are looking for something shorter term or longer term. But a lot of the advice made you hear from pickup artists, which a lot of it has some truth to it,

Starting point is 00:16:39 is going to be more focused on the short term and won't work long term because back to the fishing, you're essentially tricking this woman into giving you her number or going on the date with you. And that isn't going to be sustainable long term. Whereas if you're looking for something long term, you should also, like, as the man, be mutually interested in understanding if this woman is going to be a good fit for you. And that's something I see a lot of guys get wrong when they see an attractive woman, whether it's online or in person, they immediately go into, okay, how can I get her phone number? How can I get her on a date? How can I escalate things, depending on where they are in the relationship? When the reality is, they should be thinking,

Starting point is 00:17:21 Hmm, is she a good fit for me? Does she deserve my attention and time and resources? I should be assessing for that just as much as I am trying to put my best foot forward for her to make a connection so she likes me. So you're saying start from the approach of disqualifying them rather than qualifying them. A little of both. Your approach shouldn't be about just making them like you. It should be understanding if you are still excited about them. So take approaching a woman that you don't know, for example. If you go into it just thinking, oh, I want to get this woman's phone number that's probably going to show through in your words and your actions and it could come off as needy, or she's just like, okay, why is this guy? He doesn't even know me.

Starting point is 00:18:07 And now he's like clearly angling for my phone number, where if you approach with the mindset of I want to get to know her as a human, see if we have a good conversation, see if we have anything in common, do I think she's intelligent and could be interesting to spend time with, you're going to give off a very different vibe. And I'm not saying you want to be, you know, interviewing her to see if she's worthy, but you want to strike the balance of creating a fun conversation for her and determining if you want to ask for her phone number. And then if you don't want to ask for her phone number, if through talking to her, you know, she's boring or we have different views on this, so it'll never work out. Don't ask for her phone number.

Starting point is 00:18:47 You avoid the unnecessary rejection, which tends to kill guys' confidence. And you look like a much more aware human and upstanding man by being like, you know, it's great to meet you, lovely chatting to you, and moving on. You don't always have to ask for the phone number. And so going in with the mindset of knowing that, I think is really helpful. Now, when it comes to everyday spending, here's what I've noticed. A lot of the purchases we make are out of sight, out of mind, like those daily coffee the expenditures or the streaming subscriptions you barely even use, it adds up very quickly.

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Starting point is 00:20:23 Go to RocketMoney.com slash iced today. That's rocketmoney.com slash iced. Once again, rocketmoney.com slash iced. Thank you so much to Rocket Money for sponsoring this episode. So on Shark Tank, you made a deal with Mark Cuban. Yes. What ended up happening there? You went in asking for $100,000 for 2% state.

Starting point is 00:20:42 How did you come up with that number? That seems high. Well, based on what my profits are, it was, in my opinion, a very fair evaluation. But what ended up happening was, I took the deal, had every intention of closing it with Mark. I think he's incredible. I went in only wanting to take a deal with him. I think he exudes a lot of the qualities the men I work with want to achieve. He's successful. He has a family. He's perceived, you know, as a genuinely. good guy who helps other people. Ultimately, after the show, we didn't end up closing the deal for a variety of reasons.

Starting point is 00:21:20 But nothing but amazing things to say about Mark. There's really nothing except like I panicked and decided I didn't want an investor. Were you talking with Mark? Yeah, yeah. So like, did you get his phone number? Yeah, I have his number. So you're just like texting him back and forward like, hey. He is so responsive.

Starting point is 00:21:37 He, I would say I never wait. If I text him, I got a reply in 10 minutes. I was communicating a lot with his team. We went through a lot of the back and forth. You know, they, of course, what you see on the show is really a lot of, it's cut down to 10 minutes based on 40 minutes of you talking probably up there. But that's all they know about you. So of course, they have to do their due diligence. They want to see all the finances. They want to get to know you more. So we went through all of that. And I wanted to close it. But then at the end of the day, I don't need the financial capital for my business. and I just didn't want someone else sharing my business.

Starting point is 00:22:15 But I don't think it was financial capital. He was really bringing to the table. It's his name. So do you think that you would have done better with his name behind you? Or you already got it kind of by like the shark tank deal. Just him showing interest is kind of like the value. Yeah, I think what I came to realize through talking to him and like after really thinking about it was, yeah, he would bring a lot to the table. But it would really a picture of him and I, honestly, honestly,

Starting point is 00:22:41 my homepage, you know, I'm not sure how much lift that would ultimately give my credibility and my business. So I just didn't feel like it made sense for selling 10% of the company. That was just, that was too much ultimately once I started to really think about it. Is there anything that happened on the show that wasn't shown on TV? I felt like Mr. Wonderful was very scary on the show or like from behind the scenes. But no, they, I thought, did a very fair job portraying what went down. It's so funny because Kevin O'Leary says that he's like the friendliest guy ever, but obviously no one perceives him as that because of his online persona. However, in person, he genuinely is.

Starting point is 00:23:22 Yeah. Like he's actually. Oh, he just loves to hang out. He loves to hang out. He's a great conversationalist. He's generous with his time. And he's just like a normal guy. He's so friendly.

Starting point is 00:23:31 No, it's, you know, it's a bit for the show. And what makes the TV entertaining is people having big personalities. Yeah. But everyone was very nice, especially behind the scenes. So is dating harder now than it was 10 years ago? Yes, I think so. Why? We rely too much on technology and convenience.

Starting point is 00:23:50 Convenience has killed dating. So it being harder, I believe, is somewhat self-inflicted. It was already getting harder, and then we had the pandemic, and that just spiked things even more. You don't have to leave your house to live your life anymore. Your groceries delivered to your door. Food delivered to your doorstep. You can watch anything you want at any time. You don't have to leave your house.

Starting point is 00:24:15 And that has made people lazy. It has made them socially awkward. And it makes them think that they should be able to lay on their couch and supine position swiping and end up with a hot girlfriend. And that's crazy. That's not how mating has evolved overall. It is where you've ended up, but it's not how it's meant to be. So what are some of the core principles of then a good dating profile? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:39 Like what's going to get the most matches? The most important thing is just having quality photos. So photos that show what you look like, that are clear, that ideally showcase some of the ways you spend your time. If you don't have good photos, especially the first couple, even if the rest of your profile is A plus, you're dead in the water. There is nothing, a woman isn't even going to see it because your first profile picture comes up. If it's not good, then it's an automatic no. She's not even going to swipe down. So if your first picture is good, okay, she's going to look a little further.

Starting point is 00:25:12 She's going to read your prompts. Are you giving her information about you? Are you living a life that she would like to join or participate in? If yes, then she might say yes. But even then, you're still one of many in her queue. So how are you going to stand out next? Your messaging. Can you send a message that is going to be different than everything else she's seeing?

Starting point is 00:25:36 hey, how is your weekend? I think you're beautiful. Are not messages that are going to stand out because she has literally dozens of guys saying those same things. So you need to look for something unique, creative, fun. You don't have to like, you know, reinvent the wheel every time. I tell guys look for themes that you see in profiles often, pizza, dogs, travel, and come up with a few versions of messages off of those that you can send. And even then, you send a message, maybe you get a response, you are still one of many, and so it's important to keep expectations low and not get to invest it. That's a comment thing I see. And what about the bio? Like, what do you write in the bio, the about me? Yeah. So you want to give just enough information for her to want to know more.

Starting point is 00:26:25 Something I see guys getting wrong is they treat it like a resume. They're trying to communicate all of their accomplishments and all of these exciting things that they have done. And this is not the place for it. You just want to give her little bits and pieces. You want to keep it lightweight. You're not being so serious. Or as a help wanted ad, I see often, oh, I'm looking for a woman who is kind and generous and with a good sense of humor. It's like you're not speaking to anybody because you're speaking to everybody when you say something so vague like that. Your profile shouldn't be about who you're looking for.

Starting point is 00:26:56 It should be about who you are and she can decide if you're going to be a good fit. And how can you tell if your pictures are good? Are you getting matches? But how many matches should you be getting a day for it to be good? Like, how do you test these photos? Yeah. So I would actually take a step back. And before you even put your photos on your dating app, you can post them on your social media.

Starting point is 00:27:20 Like, do they get likes? Or people like, damn, Jack, you look great in that photo. Probably a good one for you to use online. There's also a website called Photo Feeler that you can upload photos of yourself and people rate them across multiple dimensions. I think it's like attractiveness. trustworthiness, something else, successful, like how like you're perceived in that photo, which can be directionally helpful. I sometimes will have clients who are like, well,

Starting point is 00:27:45 I put it on photo feeler and this photo got the best results. And I'm like, well, I'm telling you that's not the best photo and to use that one instead. So you have to take that a little bit with a grain of salt, but it can be somewhat helpful. That's so interesting. But this is a massive tangent, but this, that reminded me of a business idea that I wanted to start before I started working with you, which was split testing everything. And so you could create an account on this website and then maybe you get 10 cents for every response that you place, but it could be a response about which title is more clickable for a YouTube video, which thumbnail is better, which picture of me is better. What should I name my child? You know, how should I ask out this girl? What's the

Starting point is 00:28:23 next message I should send in this chat log? And then you could pay, allocate a $10 budget and get 100 responses, and you could, as a person that puts your responses, you could be paid 10 cents for just answering simple questions. And then you have split testing universalized. Thank you guys. I'm taking investments. But yeah, that's interesting. So photo feeler. Yeah, yeah. But ultimately, you're going to get your best answer, aside from are you getting results online? Because there could be other things wrong with your profile that are tanking your results that you're not aware of, but ask women if you have women in your life friends, like, hey, which photo is better?

Starting point is 00:29:01 Yeah, but they're not honest. Like, every single time, sometimes where you go and you ask a woman, like, what do you think of these photos? It's just, it's going at it from the wrong perspective, because if you, if you ask them, they've already friend zoned you. You're not asking someone who you're interested in dating or they're like into you. I mean, like, ask your sister. But that puts them in a different category of just like, oh, yeah, this is a great photo of you.

Starting point is 00:29:23 Oh, I love that. but it doesn't get any matches. Don't ask your mom. Meanwhile, yeah. Don't ask your mom. But if you have a sister or you have a friend who are girls, like I would like to be like be brutally honest with me.

Starting point is 00:29:34 I feel like. I'm not going to be brutally honest. I feel like friends have sisters. I feel like they won't. I think if you said, hey, look like be completely honest. I have no egoic attachment to whatever you say. Is this a good picture?

Starting point is 00:29:44 Yeah. Like what is most effective? You're not asking like, am I good looking? Yeah. It's like is this photo bad. It depends on how you frame it. Mm-hmm.

Starting point is 00:29:50 Yeah. Or come to me and I'll tell you because I'll give you the brutal truth on if your photos are good or not. The first photo has to be just a nice, clean picture of you. Yeah. The second photo should be you doing something you enjoy. Yep. Preferably like a physical activity.

Starting point is 00:30:04 Yeah. Third photo has to be a group photo with no more than like three to four people where you're in it. And then another photo of just you clean. And then the fifth photo could be maybe you and an animal. Have you taken my course? No. See, but I used to get so into, like this was a long time ago, obviously, but like dating profiles and Tinder. And I would optimize every.

Starting point is 00:30:24 little thing. Like, like, I'm just as analytical about like title thumbnails, I used to get about everything, whether I was posting ads for real estate or on a dating profile. And I would A, B, test different pictures, see how many matches I would get overall optimized for that, help friends do the exact same thing. And we all together, there was like five or six of us. We'd all like exchange like, oh, this photo worked well for me and I'm trying this photo. Like, we would get so into it, just from an analytics standpoint. Yeah, yeah. And that's honestly what it takes when I'm talking a client. I'm telling them, okay, we have to A, B, test this, and we're going to need to see what works and then adjust accordingly. A lot of people, I mean, with anything in life, want to just throw it up and have it work and be done with it and think they should get results when, as you know, with anything, whether it's a title or a thumbnail or an online dating profile, it usually takes iteration.

Starting point is 00:31:15 What would you say is the most ridiculous dating app story you've heard from a client? I mean, this didn't happen on the apps, but I had a client. early on. And so this was when I was also, now I've heard, I've heard so much. Like, you really can't take me by surprise, like with a crazy dating story or like, like, with just thinking something odd. That I'm like, what? Where'd you get that idea? But I had a client who came to me and he had moved to the U.S. He'd been here for a few years from China and he was online dating. He was meeting women and he came to me. He was very frustrated that he wasn't getting results. And I was like, well, what do you mean? You've been going on these first dates. And he said, well,

Starting point is 00:31:54 Well, my friends say that they get fil-a-no on the first date. And I never get-fellino on the first date. And I was like, what? Well, first of all, stop calling it. Is that, that's the word. He was using, that he was using. And I was like, huh? Okay, like, and then he went on to tell me this story that this woman,

Starting point is 00:32:16 who he met online, she told him that she wasn't very comfortable with physical touch early on. She'd had some trauma around it. but someone had told him that in order to come off as an alpha male, you had to insert yourself physically. You had to make physical contact. And I was like, oh, no. So like, she told you she didn't want it. But you had this advice. So what did you do? He's like, well, I put my arm around her. I'm like, no, like, what do you mean? This is the same client. So that's, I feel like one that I'm just like, you are being told exactly what to do. This woman is telling you what she's comfortable with and you're ignoring it because of bad advice you heard on the internet. I got a good story for you. I got one success story for dating profiles. A buddy of mine who we would be testing with wasn't getting any matches whatsoever. I did all of his profile pictures, all of them. And the first one I thought I would Photoshop. And I photoshopped. I'm sure I had the picture somewhere. We could hopefully put them up on screen. I photoshopped him on a unicorn. And his hands are out like this and he's creating a rainbow with his hands. And that was the first picture. And it was so ridiculous.

Starting point is 00:33:22 that I thought everyone's going to at least stop at this photo and read your profile because of how ridiculous it is. Sure enough, he got a match. He's now married with kids from that photo. Wow. That is a good story. That's a good success story. What do you think about eye-catching things like that in your profile? I've seen it before.

Starting point is 00:33:45 Yeah. Like on Hinge, you can put videos. And the first video is a guy going, whoa, wait, don't swipe left. Like, first of all, I have something to say to you, and then you can, you know, give them your spiel or something like that. Yeah. What do you think about stuff like that? Just trying to be way outside of the norm. I think it's smart to try, especially because there's just so much noise on apps. And as I've been saying, for men, the problem is how do I stand out? So if that helps you stand out, which it can and gets women to at least pause and look at everything else, then I say go for it. Ultimately, like, it's how it is with photo. or trying something outlandish like that, you just have to see what works for you, based on where you live, who you're trying to attract, what you look like.

Starting point is 00:34:30 All of those things affect it. So what works for one guy might not work for another guy. So it really is about iterating. What would you say are the biggest mistakes men make on their profiles that turn women off immediately? I have a few examples here. Blant bios, fish photos, mirror selfies, only group photos, and lying about height. All of those. The fish photo I knew was going to come up. That's always a common one that guys are asking me about. Why does everyone have a photo of them holding a fish? I think it's because it just happens to be when men take photos.

Starting point is 00:35:02 Men aren't taking that many photos of themselves. So then if they're on a fishing trip with their buddies and they're like, I got this sick fish. Someone's like, I got to take a photo of it. So it just happens to be the photo that they have, which is often how men are putting together their profiles anyway. It's just can I cobble together six photos that of me? And that's not the right approach. You know what's so funny? I'm thinking of the female equivalent of that. And I remember just being two things, bikini photos and photos at Coachella with a big group of girls.

Starting point is 00:35:32 And they're all wearing really revealing outfits. And that's like the female version of the dude, like taking a photo with a six-pack. Yeah. Although our bin complaining of a woman has a bikini photo. I'm just trying to think of the commonality. It's like the thing you overwhelmingly see. And then I remember the other one in the bio that I would say maybe like 15, 20% of women had was if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. There's so many.

Starting point is 00:35:57 Is that still a thing? I don't see a whole lot of that, but that might be like well overdone now. But I see a lot of common threads. Like one is first round is on me if it's a prompt on hinge. And then it's like it's with your card. Like you see that all of them. Really? Or it's, I would never say that.

Starting point is 00:36:14 And like the amount that that. that exists is incredible. It's like these women are talking and all coming to the same conclusion that they need to use that as a response. Wow. Yeah. And the other common ones, like, I love to travel. So vague, so boring.

Starting point is 00:36:30 You shouldn't, like, go out with me if your family runs 5Ks on Thanksgiving. That's, like, one that people think is, like, silly and I think it's stupid. But that, but that's a thing women can have profiles as you discover. It just doesn't matter. Yeah, I had a client who, it's funny. guys often do what you describe, where they make a profile as a woman because they want to see what it's like. And a client who told me he used a photo of a tree as the first photo and still got like hundreds of matches, which is ridiculous. I remember it being a thing where you would

Starting point is 00:37:02 just swipe on every profile because it wasn't worth your time to go through and like analyze every single thing. Not a good strategy if you're listening to this. What, to swipe on everybody? Yeah, because it's going to teach the algorithm something. So I'm not going to say I'm like the algorithm expert in like how to optimize it because you're better off like not trying to optimize the algorithm too far just like make a great profile but every person you're swiping on you want to maximize the people who are saying yes to you also so if you swipe on all these people and nobody says yes to you that's telling the algorithm something they are going to show your profile to then lower quality women women who are also not getting enough matches or not

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Starting point is 00:39:11 There is a hidden Elo. on dating apps. I don't have insider information, but from what I have witnessed, yes. You talk a lot about showcasing authenticity versus marketing. How can you effectively market yourself on a dating app and show that you're being authentic without oversharing or maybe just like saying too much? So a dating app profile should be lightweight, fun, and flirty. It's like I said before, it's not your resume.

Starting point is 00:39:42 you are just giving her enough information to say yes, and then you're going to get to know each other a little more via text, but then ultimately you want to aim for getting to know each other in person. So how you are going to market yourself there is pick a couple things that you are passionate about, that you are into, that resonate with you that you think a woman might be able to connect to. So maybe you are into rock climbing or you love pickleball, like highlight one of those things in your profile so that a woman can see that. I like that thing. This could be someone who I have things in common with. What about being too tryhardy on a profile? Like, do you see that a lot? And how big of an issue is that? I don't, I wouldn't say I see it a lot, but it is an issue. That goes back to like the

Starting point is 00:40:27 person who makes the video that's like, stop right here. Listen to me. Like that can come off as to try hard. If you've, you know, perfected every aspect of your profile very clearly and you have all these professional photos done. Sometimes that looks a little like, okay, you have nothing else to do. Like, you clearly aren't, like, women aren't swiping on you if you've gone to these lengths. So I will say, when I look at somebody's profile, I do try and strike a balance between, okay, effort has been put in here, but it's not so curated that all six photos are professional photos. It's okay to have a couple. In fact, I encourage clients to do a professional photo shoot so they can get a couple good photos. Let's say you get the match, you have an opener.

Starting point is 00:41:08 Is there an opener that a lot of people use that they just need to stop using? Hey. Yes, definitely that one. How is your weekend? You're beautiful. All of those. Good morning. Okay.

Starting point is 00:41:20 So don't be too complimentary in the beginning or just don't be too brief. I would say don't be too basic. Like that encompasses all of those things. If you're saying something that everybody else is saying, then why is she going to choose to respond to you? Dude, this is unlocking so many memories for me. I remember our highest response rate was quoting rap or Drake lyrics or any popular song at the time. And it was Drake rap lyrics that got the highest response rate.

Starting point is 00:41:50 You know what I like about that is it's easy to respond to. You have, especially if you share part of the lyric and it's a song that's popular and she's definitely going to know. It's super easy for her and like almost tempting to just complete the sentence versus even asking her like, Would you do this weekend? Not only is it basic and boring and she's heard it 100 times already, but she just has to now like, oh, I did this, this, and this. It's not interesting. And it requires actually more effort than completing the lyric. And you're really with that first message just trying to get your foot in the door. Yeah. And what do men typically do wrong when they're flirting? Like how do you flirt incorrectly? What I actually see in terms of flirting is just not flirting.

Starting point is 00:42:31 My clients are going on dates and they're oftentimes treating them like business meetings. They're being very nice and respectable and even having good conversations and they're creating intellectual connections, but they aren't flirting and creating emotional or sexual connections. And so a woman leaves the date and thinks, oh, nice guy, don't see him as a romantic partner. So that's why these guys who are very nice, have a lot going for them, aren't actually getting the second date or getting the results with women. So how do you effectively flirt? So it starts, there's a lot of techniques that can work here, but it starts with body language.

Starting point is 00:43:08 You aren't going to be effective at flirting if you don't have the right body language. Wrong body language looks like closed off body posture, shoulders hunched in, not having good posture, not making eye contact. You have to, you can't be doing those things. Eye contact super important for flirting. Even if you're saying something silly or flirty, but you're not looking at her, you're looking at her, you're looking. down, you're mumbling, you're not going to come off as confident and it's not going to feel flirtatious. So the first thing you need to consider is how you're coming across. Shoulders back, looking right at her, pronunciating, excuse me, if I'm going to get that one right. Speaking loudly so she can hear you.

Starting point is 00:43:53 That's, you know, baseline what needs to happen to even seem flirty. And it's honestly more, oftentimes more important than even the words that you're saying. is how you're saying them and how you're coming across. And how often should you compliment them? On a date? Yeah. So I actually think a sweet spot for a first date is three compliments. But hear me out here. And how long of a duration, though, is this first date?

Starting point is 00:44:17 So an average first date should be an hour or two, in my opinion. You want to keep it relatively short. But these aren't, oh, you look really beautiful. They aren't necessarily all about her physical appearance. And you're spacing them out. So right when she arrives, you might pay her a compliment. Like, thank you so much for meeting, taking the time to me. You look great.

Starting point is 00:44:36 Or you look incredible in that dress, giving her a light compliment that makes her feel good coming in. What about backhanded compliments? Negging. Not I'm not a fan. You're a lot smarter than you look. I don't like those. You know, they can. I like that dress.

Starting point is 00:44:51 My mom has the same one. You can be playful in tease, and I like that. But I don't like. so pick up artists will say that you should nag women. You want to make her feel bad about herself intentionally. And I don't like that. But what they're ultimately getting at is you want to make women feel things. You want to create, they call, I've heard it referred to as emotional spikes. And that feels a little manipulative to me, but it has some truth to it. You do want a woman to feel things when she's around you. I just don't think you want to make her feel things by making her feel bad and then good.

Starting point is 00:45:28 you can just pay genuine compliments. So ideally one at the start of the date, maybe one. But when does that seem manipulative, that you're giving her compliments because you want a desired outcome? If the desired outcome is her to feel good about herself and the compliment is genuine, I don't count that as manipulative. If you are saying things that maybe you don't mean

Starting point is 00:45:51 or you're saying them just because you want something from her, like manipulative might be too strong of a word for it, But it's, hidden motives, kind of in a negative way. Yeah. It's then it's also not going to come off in a way that a lot of times women are going to see through it. Let's just say that. I feel like women have a sixth sense for underlying intentions. So if your intention is just to sleep with her or just to get her phone number when you've approached, like I mentioned before, that can be problematic.

Starting point is 00:46:20 And it's, it might get you results sometimes, but it's not going to get you long-term results. How are men and women psychologically different in terms of dating? And what should you know about the way like a woman's brain works or about the way a guy's brain works? Something that I see men getting wrong often is they overestimate how much a woman cares about their looks. Yes, your looks are a factor as a man. But men care way more about what a woman looks like than a woman cares about what a man looks like. That's in person, though, probably. And overall. Overall, I would say, because that applies for online as well. Like, yeah, you have, you do, your looks matter more online. But a guy can oftentimes look at a woman's profile and know whether or not he'd want to go out with her pretty instantly.

Starting point is 00:47:12 And a woman does not look at a man's profile and know if she, know if she would want to go out with him. She might know if she wants to get to know him more or is curious to learn more about him. But it's not like, oh, I would take the date with him just based on his. looks where that is often true for a man. How important is it to be a high value man? That's the new term. Yeah. Well, I think you have to really break down what does that mean, you know? And it is important. I refer, I feel strongly that one of the things women look for in all men, and this is important for any guy who's like, hey, I want to attract high quality women, is you need to be high status, which is essentially what I think people are getting out when they say high value. But breaking down

Starting point is 00:47:54 what that really means is important. To me, it means you showcase a trajectory that implies you are going places, that you are going to be able to be that provider, that you have things building in your life towards something that doesn't have to be financial. It's not like, oh, you have to have a high paying career to attract women. It could just be that you're interested in things. Like, I'm a cook and I want to eventually open my own food truck. That's showing her that you have goals and aspirations and that you think about the future. She also wants somebody who has interests and I call them investment areas. If you're a guy, all you do is work and go to the gym, that's not very appealing. That's actually pretty boring. What are your interests outside of those

Starting point is 00:48:40 things? Do you play sports? Do you collect rocks? Are you really into your dog? It doesn't have to necessarily be things she's interested in, but she wants to see that you have things going on. And how many points can a guy raise himself on the 1 to 10 scale? Like, what are the things that they could start doing immediately? So my biggest piece of advice for a guy who's looking to improve his score with women is to build a life that he is genuinely proud of. So that can look like gaining some of those interests or investment areas if you don't have any today. Getting better at something. Getting in shape, taking good care of yourself.

Starting point is 00:49:20 how you look. You know, I did say women don't care as much about what a man looks like as a man cares about what a woman looks like, but it's still relevant, especially early on. First impressions matter. So if you look like a slob, even if you're successful and funny and bring a lot to the table, you're going to get overlooked often. So are you well-groomed? Are you wearing clothes that look good on you? Are you in shape? You don't have to have six-pack abs, but you should look like you care about taking care of your health if you want to improve your results with women and you're looking to improve yourself on that scale. Is it true that dad bods get more attention than the guy with like the six pack abs? I wouldn't say they get more attention, but I don't think the six

Starting point is 00:50:04 pack abs are going to give you outsized results. You know what's interesting? That just made me thinking, we're going a little off topic once again here. But in a lot of relationships, once you get into the point of like dating and boyfriend, girlfriend, a lot of the times as the guy gain some weight, the woman's like, oh yeah, I like that. Like, that's great. Keep gaining the weight. Now, a lot of men speculate that that's because the woman wants the guy to not be so competitive in the dating marketplace. And so they just want him all to themselves. Would you say this is accurate? Or is this like a way that maybe the girls can think I can kind of not take so much care of myself? Do they actually enjoy that? I was going to suggest that as like the alternative option is like,

Starting point is 00:50:47 oh, well, if he gains some weight, like, I can, like, gain a little weight, too and not have to, like, stay so tight. Um, I mean, it makes some sense, you know, I can't say it's, I have witnessed it or it's something like my girlfriend's talk about. They're like, yeah, he's gaining weight again. Like, this is good. Um, but I can see it being at least some accuracy to that. I just never made any sense to me. Like, if you have a partner, you would want to be attractive to your partner. Like, it just seems common sense to me. Like, I'm more motivated now to, like, stay in shape because now I have, like someone to stay in shape four in a sense. Oh, wow. Okay. Like it just, it seems completely illogical to be like, all right, well, now I could just get fat. Yeah, I mean, I'm not like hoping my husband gets fat. I would love if he got a six pack. That sounds cool. What did you think of the magic mind, by the way? Delicious. Isn't it good? Yeah, and I had like half and I feel hyped up, like in a good way. It's really good. So funny enough, they reached out to us. They sent us probably like a month's worth of magic mind, just out of the blue. I started drinking these things pretty much every

Starting point is 00:51:44 single day before almost every single podcast. Every time we're out of town, I put these in my backpack and I drink them before the podcast because it gives me a little bit of energy. And after that, I actually reached back out and I said, I really love the product. They decided to sponsor the podcast. So they make a lot of this possible. It's like a really cool energy focus shot. It's got a little caffeine in it. So it gives you like a little boost. But it's not so much that it gets you all hyped up and like jittery. So it's not as much as like a crazy big cup of coffee from Starbucks. So if you guys are interested in trying this out a mental performance clarity shot the link is down below in the description and we have a very exclusive coupon code to try this out we absolutely love it it's delicious

Starting point is 00:52:24 and no joke we do take this with us everywhere i'm glad that uh you enjoy it minimal clean ingredients too exactly it's good yeah so how can you tell if you're texting a girl if she's into you if she's being slow to text back or if she doesn't necessarily respond like is she just busy how can you gauge that interest yeah i mean the ultimate test is ask her on a date and if she says yes, she's interested in you and if she says no or makes an excuse, she's not. Oftentimes I see men trying to read between the lines and she took this long to respond, but then she responded quicker and she asked me a question back and it's like, just ask her out and we'll know very quickly whether or not you have a shot here.

Starting point is 00:53:05 What about for the nice guys out there who just feel like they're not getting any results, but they are just really kind? So I work with a lot of nice guys. guys and oftentimes their problem is they aren't flirting. They aren't creating enough romantic chemistry. They're not making any tension. So they're showing up on these dates and they're being very nice, but they aren't making the woman feel anything. They aren't making her feel desired. We talked about how women want a guy who's high status and we spoke a little bit about what that means. Another key thing a woman wants is to feel desired. If you aren't making her feel sexy and wanted, you could be high status, but she's not going to see you as a romantic partner.

Starting point is 00:53:50 So being upfront about your feelings at appropriate times throughout the dating process of the relationship is key. You want to make it known that you like her. That also demonstrates confidence because you aren't scared of the outcome. You aren't afraid to say, hey, I had a really great time on this date and I would love to see you again. Or I really want to kiss you right now. Or I want this to happen next. If you can say that with confidence and not be worried about the results, that is going to be a turn on to women. Now, what about the things that could maybe attract the wrong type of person? Maybe it's like leading with flashy things or making money or going out to clubs all the time. So, yeah, what you put out there is what you're going to attract. And that's one of

Starting point is 00:54:34 the reasons that oftentimes spending time in bars or clubs is not a good strategy. if you are looking for a long-term partner. Guys oftentimes fall back on places like bars and clubs as where they think that's where you meet women. This is where I'm going to find somebody. And the reality is you're going to attract a certain type of woman there, not to say quality women can't go to bars and clubs, but you aren't optimizing for shared values or shared interests.

Starting point is 00:55:03 You're optimizing for a party lifestyle in a specific environment that is actually quite hard to stand out in. How much do nice cars help you in dating? That's kind of like height. I feel like, you know, as long as you have a decent car, it's like being six feet tall. As long as it gets the job done and you keep it clean and it's not super old or if it's old, it's like cool old, you know. So like what's the ideal car? Oh, what's the idea?

Starting point is 00:55:30 I think it's something that's sort of masculine, reliable, though, shows that you have your shit together enough that you can afford it. It can be like, but there isn't a specific one car that, like, if you could give like, I don't hate a forerunner. I feel like a forerunner shows that you're fun. You can go camping. You can take it out. It's a great, reliable car. Yeah. It's just a cool.

Starting point is 00:55:52 Toyota. It's a big safe car. Yeah. I was thinking more like Mercedes, Aston Martin. Like a good, like, a five part. No. Dude, they feel like, no, something like a vanquish could be very, like, understated. That just seems like over the, it's not over the top.

Starting point is 00:56:07 Ah. But it's like, it's like. In silver? Like an S. Martin in silver. The color is important here. It is. That's funny. I had a client who told me he had a Lamborghini, and he's like, but it's dark green.

Starting point is 00:56:19 And I was like, oh, okay, well, in that case, yeah, pick her up in the Lambo, as long as it's not red. What about a Tesla? Fine. Totally fine. Yeah. Does it matter if it's like a Model 3 or Model S? I mean, the S is going to be better. What about the cyber truck?

Starting point is 00:56:33 That's going to be a no for me. Really? Get a cyber truck if you're into cyber trucks, but just know it is going to be a small. niche of women who are into a cyber truck and think that is cool than if you just had a regular Tesla. It's somewhat virtue signaling. Speaking of that, what about political affiliation? This has been a big topic.

Starting point is 00:56:53 Jack actually just did a match and she unmatched you, right, after like a few of the guests that we've had on a podcast. Oh, yeah, yeah. She saw me on like the dating app and she found my Instagram. And she saw that, you know, I've had a conversation with Jordan Peterson. and so she probably immediately assumed where I stand politically and then she was like, I can't believe that year.

Starting point is 00:57:14 Like it started like judging me and then he matched me. I was like, wow. Well, that's a, you dodged a bullet. That's the way I see it too. Yeah. No room for nuance, you know? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:57:21 She was immediately assuming something about me. Yeah. I've had people who, yeah, I did an interview with Dan Bolzerian and people were like, oh, I can't believe. I was surprised the message. I can't believe you would talk to him. It's like, if you don't talk to people

Starting point is 00:57:35 who have differing opinions than yourself, like you're not having any interesting conversations. How did your opinions differ with Dan Bolzerian? We actually overlapped on more things than I would have thought if you just like look at his social media or like how he portrays himself. I would say our biggest differences where he definitely has more like games to play around like you have to do this to attract women where I am more like be your authentic self and you're attract like the right woman for you,

Starting point is 00:58:06 even if that means turning off a lot of women. That's not as much his methodology. Is there a different way to approach relationships if you want the more Dan Bilzerian, you know, type of girl where it's kind of just like a hookup or a one-night stand or like that sort of relationship versus like a long-term, stable, healthy relationship? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:58:24 Would you approach those completely differently? Well, I think when you're, if you're looking for the shorter sort of like flashier relationship, like the women who are going to just, you're going to fly them over and they have, I don't want to generalize here, but, you know, they have like a huge Instagram falling with, like, all their bikini photos and have a lot of guys going after them. You are going to need the flashier things to attract them, the fancy car, the expensive watch, the offering to fly them places. Because you're connecting on more superficial things like their appearance and what you bring to the table, in this case, financially often.

Starting point is 00:58:59 Whereas if you're looking for somebody longer term, people do connect over those things and sure it can work. out, but if you want to be able to have meaningful conversation and share values with your partner, you need to go much deeper than what you can tell in those surface level interactions. One thing that I feel like confuses a lot of men these days, especially under 35, would be they don't know if women now still want chivalry or like a strong man, strong traditional, or if the women want a more egalitarian equal, you know, like they have. own job and their own money and you do your own thing and they split the bill. And so a lot of guys, like, they're kind of confused on how they should be approaching relationships. What have you found to be

Starting point is 00:59:44 more prominent? So first of all, that's understandable and that is confusing. There's so much mixed messaging in the media about toxic masculinity and how you should be or shouldn't be. And then you have the trad movement where people are looking for more traditional. Ultimately, it's going to differ among women. Some women are going to be looking for different things. My approach is skewed and how I approach it is, okay, what's going to get you the best results with the most amount of women is skewing somewhat more traditional, but then read the room. Offer to pay on the first date. As a man, you should pay on the first date. But if the woman's like, no, no, I insist on splitting it, then let her split it as well. And where you live can often be a big determinant of like where women expect you to fall on that scale. So for example, if you are dating

Starting point is 01:00:38 someplace like Seattle, women are oftentimes okay with or even interested in men who have more of less of the traditional masculine qualities. And they want to maybe, you know, I've had plenty of clients, I don't know what, there's Pacific Northwest, like who want to, who end up splitting the bill. Where if you are in the South, you're going to, you're going to be dating women who expect much more traditional male habits. So you a little bit need to keep in mind the atmosphere in which you're dating in. How much should you spend on a first date and what are like the most effective first dates you've seen? I am a big fan of lightweight first dates. Especially if this is someone you met online, this is a stranger. So you shouldn't want to invest

Starting point is 01:01:25 your valuable time and money heavily into this person until you've assessed if you've assessed if there's some amount of connection. So I really like drinks. I get shit for this, but even coffee in a walk or juice in a walk. That was my first date with my husband. Some women say, I'm not a dog. I don't want to go on a walk, which to that I would say, why do you want to sit down on a two-hour dinner with somebody that you don't know? If a woman doesn't accept a lightweight first date as your first meeting, then that is going to tell, in my opinion, tell you a lot about her expectations in the relationship. And that might be okay with some guys. Like, they want to exclusively be the parieter. They're okay with somebody who has high expectations around fancy dinners and gifts and

Starting point is 01:02:12 receiving things. But a lot of guys, that's not what they're looking for. They're okay bringing that to the table, but they also want somebody who is interested in just getting to know them. So I like short and sweet and inexpensive. What are some of the downsides to be an attractive woman? You get a lot of inbound and it's hard to tell who's actually going to be a good partner or could be a good fit for you versus who is just interested in you for your looks. And what's the filter look like on that? Oftentimes it, and this is why women get frustrated with dating apps and end up giving up is because there isn't a good filtering mechanism. It often requires actually going out on the date with the person to understand if that person is a good

Starting point is 01:02:56 fit and going to be a good partner. It's not just, it's, you know, back to women care less about what a man looks like. They want to know what a relationship could look like with him. And it's really hard to determine that until you're actually getting to know them. So it's hard to, for, to filter for that until you're in person. Are there any downsides of being an attractive guy? No. No downsides whatsoever. I mean, I'm sure, again, you're, you're getting more attention, but I don't think for most men that that is a problem. What would you say is one trait in men, women say they want, but actually don't reward? Local news is in decline across Canada, and this is bad news for all of us.

Starting point is 01:03:39 With less local news, noise, rumors, and misinformation fill the void, and it gets harder to separate truth from fiction. That's why CBC News is putting more journalists in more places across Canada, reporting on the ground from where you live, telling the story. that matter to all of us, because local news is big news. Choose news, not noise. CBC News. Okay, when I sell my business, I want the best tax and investment advice. I want to help my kids, and I want to give back to the community. Ooh, then it's the vacation of a lifetime.

Starting point is 01:04:17 I wonder if my out of office has a forever setting. An IG private wealth advisor creates the clarity you need with plans that harmonize business, your family, and your dreams. Get financial advice that puts you at the center. Find your advisor at IGPrivatewealth.com. Being nice. And I think that, you know, there's obviously some nuance there. Like, it's not that you can't be nice as a guy, but if you're too nice, and that comes in the form of letting people walk all over you, bending over backwards for a woman you barely know, that's a turnoff. So, yeah, a woman wants a guy who is kind, who is, who treats people well, but not at their own expense.

Starting point is 01:04:58 And what's the best way to approach someone if you see them and you want a date? Don't overcomplicate it. So oftentimes I see guys either freezing up or not and not approaching at all because they feel like they don't have the perfect line. And they don't have something funny or witty or interesting to say when they see an attractive woman. And you don't need that. Sure, that can work if it comes to you and that's one of your skill sets. but for many men, that's not their skill set. So having a few lines that you use that are authentic

Starting point is 01:05:30 to you and feel, like in your own voice that you can use in any situation is really effective. So something like, hey, I've seen you here before, but we haven't met. So I wanted to come and introduce myself, obviously, if you've seen them there before. It's someplace you go repeatedly. Or you caught my eye and I'd kick myself later if I didn't say hello. super simple and it starts the conversation and sometimes I'll hear well then she's gonna she's gonna think I'm like interested in her and it's like well you are interested in her and that's okay especially if you're interested in getting to know her through a conversation and not just hey I saw you from over there so I wanted to come ask for your phone number because then you're showing her oh I don't really

Starting point is 01:06:12 care like whether or not you're interesting or whether or not we're a fit I'm just here for your number So that's why actually what you say after that opening line is more important than what that opening line is in and of itself. But then what happens when you run out of things to say? You just go blank. Like you can't have a conversation. Yeah. It's just like you say the line. She's like, oh, hi, my name is Cheryl. Yeah. And you just blank. Well, you do need to be ready to like speak a little bit further. Okay, but what if you're like a minute into the conversation, but you just blank. You just run out of things to say.

Starting point is 01:06:43 You have no idea what to say. Okay, that's a good opportunity to excuse yourself. Well, I've got to get going. It's been great chatting with you. I'd love to continue the conversation over coffee sometime. But how do you overcome that? Let's say you are on the date and you're like five minutes into it. And then you run out of things to say. Because that's the most common thing that I would say overall is you just run out of things to talk about. So I guess there's two potential problems there. One is if you just don't, literally don't have things to talk about, then you need to get some hobbies and pick up some new interests. Because if you are an interesting person and you have interesting fun things going on in your life and you're reading interesting books and listening to good podcasts, you're probably not going to run out of things to talk about on a first date because you don't know this person. So there's endless things to talk about and get to know them. Alternatively, if the problem is your mind is going blank because you're nervous and you actually do have things to say, but you're like, I don't know, my mind has, you know, escaped me, then that's a problem that is addressed differently and I would say you need more practice.

Starting point is 01:07:44 and that practice can come from going on more dates or just getting out and talking to more people. That's a problem I actually see a lot of, especially with 20s and 30s men, is they aren't having a lot of social interactions. So then they go on a date and they feel uncomfortable carrying a conversation or their mind does go blank because they're nervous because they're ordering their groceries and getting their food and doing everything and working from the comfort of their own home. instead of going out and getting comfortable, engaging with people, making people laugh, flirting with random strangers to develop that skill. How is the classic, hey, I saw you from across the bar and I thought you were really cute. My name's Jack. Oh, hi, my name's Cheryl. And then I say, could I get you a drink?

Starting point is 01:08:31 Is that too fast? Like, is that a fine approach? I think it's a fine approach. I think it is you're, ideally, if she's accepting. that drink from you, it is signal that she's opening, open to continuing the conversation. You might have a little more pleasantries before just right going into asking for the drink. That goes back to why I don't want you to spend a lot of money on a first date. You don't know her yet. So maybe exchange a few words first. And then I'd love to offer you, I'd love to offer to buy you a drink.

Starting point is 01:09:06 Like, can I get you a drink? Is an appropriate next step to extend the conversation. And how do you not be creepy? Guys are very fearful of being creepy. I see this, I hear this all the time. And what I have learned is often the guys who are worried about being creepy, they aren't the problem. They aren't usually the ones who are creepy. It's the guys who that's not even on his radar that is going around creeping out women. And so I actually conducted some survey, a survey of like 2,000 women ages, I think it was 18 to 42.

Starting point is 01:09:41 around what they found to be creepy because I was constantly hearing this from clients. Like, I'm worried about being creepy. And I'm like, well, what are you doing that you think is creepy? And they either weren't sure or it was things that I was like, that's not creepy. Like approaching a woman isn't creepy if you don't do it in a creepy way. So I did this survey of women. And the things that they, some of the top things that they found creepy was excessive staring. So it's not looking at a woman.

Starting point is 01:10:06 You can look and make eye contact, but then look away. don't, you know, give her the serial killer stare. Inappropriate contact online was another big one. So that looks like reaching out. If you meet a woman in person, that is your opportunity ideally to ask her out. There are obviously exceptions to this rule. But if you have to jump through hoops to find somebody online and then you shoot them a message online when you could have chatted with them in person, that often comes off as creepy. And then a lot of the obvious stuff like unwanted physical touch, showing up places where they are uninvited, which like most guys aren't doing those things. Don't add people on social media. I do matchmaking as well, which I have a lot of thoughts on why that's better for a lot of people than dating apps. But I tell clients both the women candidates and the male clients, do not add this person on social media before the date. Go get to know them.

Starting point is 01:11:07 on the date. It is weird to track them down and you're going to make a lot of assumptions without getting to know them. Sort of like the woman making assumptions about you based on who you've interviewed or what she saw on your Instagram. It's like a lot of those things would be fine probably even with her once she got to know you. But people make a lot of assumptions and that's also why I say I leave, oftentimes I recommend leaving political affiliation and religion off of your dating app profiles. Because people just assume so much with that one little word that could not be true or they could be okay with once they got to know you. What about different icks? Now really quick, I just want to say that when Jack and I started the podcast, it seemed as though we had to figure out everything ourselves.

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Starting point is 01:13:07 Again, Shopify.com slash ICH all lowercase with the link also down below in the description. Thank you so much to our sponsor Shopify, and now let's get back to the episode. Now, at this point, you might be asking yourself, what makes a leader stand out? Because it's not just about taking charge, but about setting new standards and embracing bold moves. That's why, if you lead by example and live with passion, then our sponsor, the range over sport, is made for you. Every model of the rangeover sport offers a unique blend of dynamic sophistication and sporting luxury. It's where refined elegance meets visceral power. With focused on-road performance and world-renowned off-road capability, this vehicle rises to every occasion. Experience the adaptive off-road cruise

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Starting point is 01:14:34 and things that don't actually matter in a relationship but people are using them as like a reason to not go on another date with someone like oh his like apple watch gave me the ick or like the car he drove gave me the ick and so they're often I think very superficial things and that's one of the problems with dating generally is people tend to focus or can focus either on things that are superficial or things that they think they need or want that the other person doesn't have that don't actually matter when it comes down to it. And what about legitimate deal breakers? What would be something that you see in someone, a girl or a guy that you think, okay, you know it, they have to solve this before they can get a new relationship?

Starting point is 01:15:18 A misalignment in values, which isn't necessarily something to be solved. It's just something that would indicate this is a deal breaker and we aren't compatible. Other things that would maybe be solvable is the person not being emotionally available or ready to be in a relationship. I see that all the time. She's so perfect. We have all these things in common. But the woman just clearly isn't investing the time and the energy in them for whatever reason. She's not over her ex.

Starting point is 01:15:48 She doesn't value him for whatever reason. And again, it's like almost none of their business, why she's not interested. But if she's not putting the same amount of effort in, that should be a deal breaker. Okay, we have a list of things. And then you're going to respond, Ick, Red Flag, deal breaker, or nothing. Okay. Okay. He's 35 and has never had a relationship longer than three months.

Starting point is 01:16:12 Red flag. He still talks, or he talks about his ex on the first date. Ooh, Red flag. He still lives with his parents, but says, he's saving up for a down payment. Not a problem. He asks you to split the bill after dinner. Ick.

Starting point is 01:16:28 His profile says, no drama, just good vibes. Deal breaker. Really? He sends voice notes instead of texts. Fine. He brings up astrology unironically. Fine for me. A deal breaker for a lot of people.

Starting point is 01:16:46 I have a story about that actually next. His bed doesn't have a headboard. Mm, ick. He vapes during the date. Deal breaker. He orders a milkshake at dinner. Red flag. He describes himself as sapiosexual.

Starting point is 01:17:03 Um, ick. He says his love language is physical touch within the first three minutes. Red flag. His profile pick holding up a dead fish shirtless in a trucker hat. Ick. He texts you W.Y.D. at 11.m. Red flag.

Starting point is 01:17:23 He has a framed... He has a framed photo of Elon Musk on his nightstand. Red flag. Jack's describing himself. Oh, no. I have a headboard. Okay, Grant. I have a headboard.

Starting point is 01:17:36 That's a fixable problem. It's from IKEA. It's good. And it matches my nightstands, too. Thank you very much. Okay, one thing Chris Williamson said to look out for in women and for long-term healthy relationships would be don't go after women who are psychologically unstable. In terms of like, if you can find a girl who's able to stay calm through a little bit of

Starting point is 01:17:57 chaos, that is the biggest green flag you could possibly look for. Would you agree with this? I agree. And I think that goes for both men and women. Life, you know, it's going to have its ups and downs. There is going to be some chaos. And so you want somebody who can remain level-headed. What are some questions that you could ask a date to determine if they have certain green flags? It depends on what you, you as the one, like, determining are looking for. So let's say that you want somebody who, you want somebody who is ambitious and goes after things that they want. Asking about their past jobs, like where they started at their company could be something that tells you, okay, are you working towards a specific goal?

Starting point is 01:18:44 Or even, do you go skiing? Like, are you a skier? Skiing indicates, like, a certain amount of effort required. to have fun. You have to schlep all your stuff around. You have to stick with it. Usually year after year to continue to improve, that shows dedication. Do you speak a foreign language? Commitment. You know, interest in cultures or people outside of yourself. So depending on what you're trying to determine if, like, they have as a green flag, affects what kind of questions you should ask. But I think there are questions, like sort of sneaky questions that can get at the underlying meaning. I would say

Starting point is 01:19:19 the best question, ask them about their ex. And if they go on a tirade and they start badmouthing the person or they start gossiping, that's a red flag. But if they don't and they say, you know what, it was great relationship. We just didn't work out. Green flags. I think that is a green flag, but I would not ask about an ex on a first date. I think that needs to be at least third, fourth, fifth date material. Really? Fifth date in? Yeah. I mean, maybe third if you're getting to that like level of closeness, but I think asking about someone's ex on a first date, it's like, why do you want to know? Like, let's get to know each other.

Starting point is 01:19:53 What about asking, like, how long have you been single for? So the problem with that is I think it can be misleading. So one of your questions was 35 and never had a relationship longer than three months. And I think my answer to that was red flag. But there are definitely valid reasons. And there are a lot of really awesome guys out there

Starting point is 01:20:16 who fall into that category. And it's totally legit. You've been focusing on your career. You just haven't put time and effort into dating. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's like, oh, and antenna up. Let's like learn more about it. So what's the appropriate way to ask about something like that? I think asking directly is appropriate.

Starting point is 01:20:37 It just feels like on a first date, somewhat interrogating because they might feel put on the spot or uncomfortable with their, like what the answer actually is, where I would prefer on a first date, you're really understanding if you have shared interest, if your values align, like just focusing on flirting and having fun, really, and then work on uncovering some of those red flags that might be there or even the green flags on future dates. I think when you focus too much on like, I need to learn these specific things about them, the first date doesn't end up being fun. So early on, just focus on having fun. And then on the next dates, you can be more intentional about what you want to uncover or know. And how much talking should you be doing

Starting point is 01:21:25 versus the date? Okay, I tell men they should strive for 70-30, her talking 70% of the time. Good conversations usually end up more being like 50-50. But if you're striving to have her talk more, that's going to be better than having her talk less. People fundamentally think that dates went better, the more they talked. How bad is it to just cut through all filters and then point out something? Like maybe she's being a little quiet. And you're like, hey, by the way, I just kind of picked up you're a little quiet. Is there, like, are you more shy?

Starting point is 01:21:59 And just kind of cutting through all of like the societal norms of everyone saying, hey, you need to open up the door for them or you need to do this. You need to do that. And you just cut through it. And you're just like, hey, this is something I just noticed. What do you think about that? Well, I feel like that's different things. Like, opening the door for them and, you know, following the societal norms of the date is something

Starting point is 01:22:18 I would recommend. But I definitely, I think there can be benefits to, like, cutting through the bullshit. And especially if you see something like that, like, you seem like a little uncomfortable or you seem a little shy right now can be effective because it demonstrates you're not worried about what she's going to say. If she says, yeah, I don't actually want to be here right now or you're not as cute as your photos, like, you're not worried about that. Like, you're just getting your answer. So I think that can be effective. What about the amount of partners that someone has had and the, the duration of those

Starting point is 01:22:49 partnerships or relationships? When does that matter? When does it not matter? So it can definitely tell you something about them. So if this person has only been in long-term relationships and they go from relationship to relationship, that certainly means something different than if this person has never had a significant other. And it doesn't, I wouldn't say you should take too much stock in it because people change. And sometimes someone hasn't had a partner because it, they were focusing on work or it just wasn't important to them. And now it is. So it's not to say the future can't be different, but a good indicator of future behavior is past behavior. So it can be relevant. And what if you're someone who wants to improve yourself before,

Starting point is 01:23:35 going out into the dating pool. Like, I always think for myself, like, I want to become more successful, get in better shape, have better things going on before I eventually find, like, my long-term partner because I feel like as I continue to try to become a better person, it'll open up more opportunity for me in that area. Yeah. Like, how do you know when to draw the line and to actually, like, start looking and putting more effort into that versus, like, developing yourself?

Starting point is 01:24:03 So that's something I see all the way. the time and that's how oftentimes the guys I work with end up being 35 or 40 and single because they've spent all of this time building themselves and oftentimes investing in themselves in very meaningful ways but they haven't spent the time investing in their dating life in the same way so actually I would encourage someone who's in that position start dating now you're never a finished product you are always hopefully going to be striving to be better to improve in those different areas is, but that doesn't mean you have to put your dating life on hold. Sure, if you're not meeting table stakes, like you're not in decent shape and you don't have a job, like those might be things

Starting point is 01:24:46 that you want to take care of before putting yourself out there because you're going to get drastically better matches. But if you're just trying to lose a little body fat or, you know, improve your portfolio a bit more, get out there and start dating and continue to work on those things. If you could make one cultural rule that everyone would have to follow, what would it be? Ghosting. It leads to just so much confusion and in my experience, both men and women spiraling into like, well, maybe there's still hope here, but why did this person do that? Where if you just have the common decency to shoot somebody a message, like, I really enjoyed meeting you. This isn't the romantic connection I'm looking for. I wish you the best. It closes the door. It shows that you

Starting point is 01:25:36 have respect for other people. And it's just like common decency. I remember what I had first got into the dating pool. Like for the first time and I was trying to actively date in the event I was ghosted. I would have a text that I could send and be like, hey, I just noticed like you, you know, you didn't respond. And I was just curious because I'm trying to learn like what could I have improved on. And that's totally cool. Like, we don't need to be anything. And I'm not looking for anything from you, maybe just an answer and some clarity. And I actually would get a lot of, like, thoughtful responses. Really? Like, what did they say? Do you feel like they were being honest? Yeah, absolutely. They're like, hey, to be honest, it was just kind of this or hey, to be honest. Like,

Starting point is 01:26:18 I just started talking to someone else or, hey, to be honest. Like, you know, I found it a little, you know, odd how you were, you know, super interested in spike ball. You know, I don't know. Like, it could be anything. And did you feel like it was helpful in improving for future dates? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And in fact, I remember when I first downloaded the dating apps, like my opener to a lot of people, which actually had a really high success rate, because on Hinge, you can like someone's picture and have a comment as well. And I would say, hey, just curious, we don't even need like to talk, but can you critique my profile? I just downloaded this like last week. And that's a great one. And I got a lot of matches. And people were like, yeah, honestly remove this picture, like do this. And I was getting. And I got a great one. And I got a lot of matches. And people were like, yeah, honestly remove this picture, like do this. And I was. And I was getting. And I was. And I was. getting like data points from people. That's a fantastic one. That's a dating pool. This is like when I was like at UCSB.

Starting point is 01:27:08 And did people, did some of those then translate into dates? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, once I was like, okay, well, like, what about these pictures? Like, and then I could send them those. How about you critique my first date? That's what it should be.

Starting point is 01:27:20 Just give us some pointers. She's like, I can't believe anything you're saying. I don't know about this. Let's critique this relationship together. Yeah, that's funny. Are you still on the dating abs? Uh, yeah. Should we look at your profile?

Starting point is 01:27:32 You know what we should do? I don't know about my... Yes. This is going to be a member exclusive. So if you want to see this entire interaction, join the membership. You'll be able to see this entire episode, uncensored in full, including Jack's dating profile review. Uh, I don't know if I want to do a dating profile review because I have friends profiles. Nope.

Starting point is 01:27:54 That we can... For the members, Jack. We've got to do it for the members. Do it for the members. We'll see. We'll see. You have access to the best day and coach in the world. We always decide not to post it.

Starting point is 01:28:03 Yeah, yeah, you're right. We could decide to cut it out. Okay, we can do this. Yes, this will happen. Fifteen minutes later. How do you recommend getting over a breakup? There's a certain point where you just have to get back out there. I wouldn't say that's step one.

Starting point is 01:28:19 Step one is invest in yourself. So what's something you've, if you're heartbroken, you, maybe you did the breaking up or maybe you were broken up with, like even when breakup's happening. for the right reasons, they're oftentimes still very difficult. So what is something that maybe you let fall by the wayside during your relationship, whether spending time with friends or a hobby that you enjoyed or something that you wanted to pick up and spend some time getting good at that? Because that's going to be effective for a few different reasons. It's going to help increase your confidence. Most people's confidence takes a hit during a breakup because you're going to spend time

Starting point is 01:28:53 improving and getting better at something. Ideally, be good at something. And you're also probably going to meet more people, potentially more like-minded people by picking up a new hobby or reinvesting in an interest. You start going to yoga every day again. You start joining pickleball leagues. All of a sudden, you're connecting with more people. And then dating doesn't even necessarily have to be this distinct, like, okay, I'm going to date again. Maybe you just meet people you're interested in going on dates with by putting yourself out there more. Is it ever worth it to try to win back an X? I think it can be. I think if the reason for the breakup, like let's say the reason for the breakup was you lived in different places or you didn't have a job or you were going through something and that resulted in the relationship

Starting point is 01:29:40 ending and then that thing that caused the relationship to end has now changed. Great. It might be worth revisiting the relationship, maybe. But the mistake people make is nothing has really changed except you're now lonely or you kind of miss them. It's normal to miss an X. If the fundamental reason for the breakup is still there, don't try and make it work again. It's interesting. I read somewhere that when you break up with an X, it's similar to like withdrawing from a drug. And that a lot of that going on in your mind is the reason why you want that X back. Yeah. It fills that dependency and the flood of emotion. Yeah. It's like with any habit. They're a habit. It's something that you have become accustomed to. Your body, you know,

Starting point is 01:30:27 craves that thing that they know. So it's natural when you're changing any habit in your life, whether it's talking to or seeing someone or introducing exercise or giving up smoking, that they're going to be moments where you crave or desire the old way, no matter what it was. Why would you say situationships are so common? I think they are more common now than ever before because of the access to options that we have dating. So if you are in a situation ship or maybe you start to date someone. But you know, you still have your dating apps and you have social media, so you're seeing all of these other people. And in the back of your head, you're like, oh, what if something better comes along? You're much more likely to keep that as a situation ship or tolerate a

Starting point is 01:31:12 situation ship as opposed to being like going all in and saying, no, I really want to be with this person. And that's one of the problems I see with dating now in general is everyone feels like they have so many options. They are perceiving that they have more options, whether that's accurate or not. It's usually not because they have the dating app and they're seeing these women or because they have social media and they're seeing all these other people. So it makes them less likely to commit to any one person. Is that more common for men or women? I think both are doing it. I think both have the tendency to think there's going to be something better just around the corner. And it's a really bad habit when it comes to dating. And what about being exclusive with someone and taking it from dating to a relationship?

Starting point is 01:31:54 When is the ideal point to make that transition? People always want a timeline, you know, how many dates should I have gone on? And it's really more about the depth of the relationship and what you have understood or gotten to know about that person than any length of time or number of dates. You need to know some of this person's flaws and things that you maybe like aren't super excited about about them because those things are going to come out. So nobody is. perfect. So you want to already know some of their imperfections. And if you think they're perfect, it's probably too soon to be all in or to be exclusive. You probably don't know them well enough. And what are some of the questions you should ask someone when you're dating versus actually

Starting point is 01:32:33 in a relationship? Once you're in a relationship, hopefully you've already asked a lot of the get-to-know-you questions. Those questions that have helped you determine whether they have the green flags that you're looking for, whether you share values with them. I'm a big believer in not rushing into exclusivity. I think if you are rushing to define the relationship with someone or to put a title on it, it often is coming from a place of a scarcity mindset. You feel like, oh, I need to lock this person down or put a title on it because I don't want them to find somebody else or I want to make sure that this is real. Where the reality is them finding somebody else or the realness of the relationship doesn't come from the title.

Starting point is 01:33:18 it comes from getting to know the other person. I'm a big fan of dating around, and people are often like, wait, really? You think you should be dating multiple people? And yeah, especially if you are looking for a relationship, you absolutely, as a man, you absolutely should be dating multiple women early on. You're being honest about this, you know, with the women that you date, but it is going to... This episode is brought to you by Tell Us Online Security. The worst. You mean a hack season? Sorry, what? Yeah, cybercriminals love tax forms. But I've got TELUS online security. It helps protect against identity theft and financial fraud,

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Starting point is 01:34:39 And TD Easy Trade is made to help. Download it now. Actually give you more options. It's going to make you more confident. It's going to make you busier so you're less likely to come off as needy and overinvested in any one woman. And it's going to hopefully be more fun as well. So early on, it's a huge mistake to put all your eggs in one basket. And what level of like physical connection or intimacy would you recommend if you are dating around?

Starting point is 01:35:09 Like where do you call it? Like where do you stop it? So that is what someone is personally comfortable with. A lot of people wouldn't be comfortable. sleeping with multiple people. Likewise, if you're sleeping with a woman, you need, and you are not exclusive, then you need to have a conversation about that, ideally, because it's, I, I am, I always say you can't make any assumptions, both men and women, like a woman shouldn't assume just because we sleep together, oh, now he's my boyfriend. No, but if you escalate things physically,

Starting point is 01:35:41 it does oftentimes come with certain assumptions, whether that's right or not. So if you aren't ready for that, you should communicate about it. But I'm not going to say like, oh, you can't sleep with her until you're exclusive or like you should only go this far. And what about a relationship where the man makes less than the woman? Have you found that to have any issues at all? Or is that kind of, like a non? First of all, there are some women out there who are going to be totally okay with it. There are also going to be a lot of women out there who don't want to date somebody who makes less than them, which is becoming more of an issue. I don't know the exact stats on it, but women are, you know, more college graduates are women than men. Women are increasingly making more money

Starting point is 01:36:25 in the same age range. And that, I think we have seen that become an issue in the dating market, where women feel that they are, they can't find a man who is at their same level. But now, what about when it comes to marriage and things like this, does your advice still apply? just in terms of like having a successful marriage and like building a successful foundation and everything. Absolutely. You need to continue to date the person you're in a relationship, whether you're married or you've been on 40 dates. You want to continue to bring the fun, to bring the flirting, to put in effort, to ask thoughtful questions. Otherwise, that relationship becomes stale and, you know, where does that really go? So, yeah, I absolutely think a lot of the advice applies whether you are single and looking to attract you.

Starting point is 01:37:13 new women or just looking to continue attracting the woman you already have. So now we're going to do it's called this or that. Tinder versus Bumble versus Hinge. Oh, Bumble or Hinge. Can have two. DM slide or IRL approach? IRL approach always. Coffee date or cocktail date?

Starting point is 01:37:31 Cocktails. Why cocktails? Okay, so I had a coffee date or a juice date with my husband, so you can do that. but a lot of men struggle to create a sexy romantic vibe. So coffee is not going to help you there. Whereas if you're getting cocktails, even if it's mocktails, but the environment is a bar, it's more dimly lit, the seats are closer together.

Starting point is 01:37:52 You're a leg up and creating a romantic vibe. Then you're sitting next to each other on a park bench. Gym flirt or bookstore flirt. Jim. I met my husband at the gym. Introvert with charm or extrovert with no filter. Introvert with charm. What was your husband's opening line? I've seen you here before, so I wanted to introduce myself something along those lines.

Starting point is 01:38:17 We were at a Barry's class. Are you familiar with Barry's? It's a group fitness class. It was like after class, and I was standing in the lobby. And he came up and was like, hey, I've seen you here, so I wanted to introduce myself. And I, like, wasn't even thinking. I was like, oh, you work here? And he was like, no.

Starting point is 01:38:31 And, like, we had actually been taking the same morning class together for, like, months. And I just, like, had it noticed him. And you know, every single day. he went in there. He's like, oh, where's that cute girl? Is she going to show up to this class? And you're just doing your own thing. That's what every guy's absolutely petrified of. Just letting you know. And so he was like, and like, now we obviously talk about it when he was like mortified in the moment. And I was kind of embarrassed too because I don't know why I said that. Because he was just being so friendly and the people who work there are very friendly and like outgoing and make contact like that. And he was just like, no, I don't work here. We like, we just took class together. Well, nice to meet you and like walked away. And I was like, oh, that was awkward. But then because he'd introduced himself, then of course, I did. did notice him when we were at the same class later that week. So I was like, said hello. And then we started talking. So before or after class, we would chat.

Starting point is 01:39:17 And, you know, eventually. So it was so embarrassing when you get that wrong. And you talk to someone thinking they work there and they don't. Yeah. I love cats guy or I love crypto guy. Cats. 6-4 with no ambition or 5-7 with Insane Drive. 5-7 with Insane Drive.

Starting point is 01:39:37 asking for a kiss or going for it. Can we do an in-between of stating that you want a kiss if you're unsure? So let me explain that because I think this is an important call-out. If you just blindly go for a kiss and you haven't read the room, like, that's the creepy thing. That's a hard no. Asking for a kiss, like, can I kiss you? Also can come off very beta and like not confident. But if you, okay, I would like to kiss her.

Starting point is 01:40:05 You're unsure and you say something. something like you're standing close together and you say something at the end of the day, like, I really want to kiss you right now. That is a way of asking that is much sexier than just saying than actually asking or going for it inappropriately. What if you say please? No. Fritty please. Yeah. Week night date or weekend date? Week night.

Starting point is 01:40:27 Week night. It depends on the like the date, but I think for a first date, you're better off asking for a lightweight date early in the evening on like a Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Thursday, then taking up prime real estate on like a Saturday evening. Cologne are all natural. Cologne. What about cologne or just deodorant? Or deodorant and cologne? I'm fine with deodorant and no cologne.

Starting point is 01:40:50 When you say, just natural, I'm like kind of thinking like musty body odor. Yeah. What about just natural or acts body spray? Just natural. Can a girl tell that there's between like a cheap and a nice cologne? Yeah. Well, like, cheap colognes tend to be overwhelming and very like pungent. We're a nice cologne, you are discovering, you know, as you used to.

Starting point is 01:41:12 Do you wear acts? No, I don't wear axe. It's not that. I got some cologne. I thought it was really nice. And then I got some critiques from my friends that is very pungent. Oh. From men or women?

Starting point is 01:41:23 From men. Okay. Yeah. Owning a dog or being great with kids. I feel like both. Those go. Like, if you own a dog and your responsible pet owner, like, it's more a signal you'll be great with kids.

Starting point is 01:41:33 Funny but broke or rich and just okay. Funny but broke. You can change that. Okay, one word answers. Open up the car door. Yes. Really? Yeah, why not?

Starting point is 01:41:45 Okay. I don't know why not. What are you going to do? Sit in your car and open it from across the... No, but she could open her own door. I think it depends. It depends on the context, but if you're walking, you're both walking to the car together, like, why not open her door?

Starting point is 01:41:59 It's a very a gentleman thing to do. It shows chivalry. It seems, yeah, it is chivalrous, but, like, it just seems a little force. So I have a friend recently who went on a date and the guy picked her up. And when she came out of her house, he was like just waiting outside of his car leaning against his car. And she was like, that was so attractive. He wasn't in the front seat on his phone, like just killing time waiting for her. He actually got out. He was enjoying the nice day. And then it didn't feel forced. He was able to greet her outside the car, give her a hug, open the door and get in. Where especially if she's getting into the car and you're staying in the car and then it's like, you're giving her across the car hug, it doesn't give you the chance to have a really good first impression, whether it's your first time meeting her in person or it's like a second, third, fourth day, like get out of your car and give her a good hug and that just sets you up to open the door in an unforced way.

Starting point is 01:42:53 Most underrated turn on. Underrated. Clean fingernails. Worst thing a guy can say on a first date. What's your body count? What women secretly judge the hardest? Shoes and sunglasses. Shoes.

Starting point is 01:43:14 Yeah, if you have, like, whack-ass shoes on that are just, like, lame, they can kill an outfit. What do you mean whack? Like, how do you know if it's wacky? Should I look under the tailoring shoes? I'm just in socks right now. Like, if you're wearing, like, you're, like, you know, running shoes tightly laced up with jeans, like, that's an ick. Yeah. And you're going to be judged for it.

Starting point is 01:43:34 Okay, so I don't do that. So I think I'm safe in that regard. Pick up artist's tricks, your gut reaction. Nah. Modern dating in one word. Challenging. Most overrated dating tip men still follow. This is a weird one, but I've heard, and I don't know how many guys are following it,

Starting point is 01:43:52 so maybe this isn't a good answer, but wearing a red t-shirt. Have you guys heard that one? No. Okay, there was this study that if you actually look at was absolute bullshit that was conducted like a decade ago about wearing a red t-shirt on a date leads to more second dates. and I have had guys be like, oh, I always wear a red t-shirt on a first date. And it's like, unless you look really good in red, like, that's not a good reason. And when you actually looked at the study, I can't remember the exact, like how it played out. But it was something like

Starting point is 01:44:20 they asked like 12 college students. They showed a picture of a guy in a white shirt and then a picture of the same guy in a white shirt with a red background, who, like, which one was more attractive? And they like picked the red background. And that was determined that the red shirt made you stand out more, which is, like, absurd. I actually heard about the red shirt thing now that you're mentioning it. Yeah. But I don't consider that going on any dates. That would be interesting to try. Like, what shirt does the best?

Starting point is 01:44:50 A button-down shirt, T-shirt, what color. I think color really depends on the person, though. Your complexion, your eye color. Because, like, that's going to really affect, like, whether or not a shirt looks good on you. And body type affects the type of shirt. True. Is being too nice ever hot? No.

Starting point is 01:45:08 Should a man ever bring flowers on the first date? No. Have you ever seen Home Math's videos? No. That right there would it be, okay. Who's videos? Homeath. So.

Starting point is 01:45:20 Homeath. Here, this is it. I'll let you, this is his most viewed video. When he takes an app, it irrationally annoys me. We can just look that up on the Ic indicator. That's why I made it. There are two types. There is not enough of something.

Starting point is 01:45:35 and then there is being affected by something. This would be a type 2 that's too sensitive to sleepiness, having a feeling of sleepiness. And then we just find the degree. This is arranged from more understandable behavior to less acceptable. If he cannot swing a hammer, it's normal to be icked out by that,

Starting point is 01:45:54 but not so much if he can't carry a refrigerator. It has to do with reasonable expectation. So if you were icked out from him wearing a raincoat or carrying an umbrella, that would be an unsalvageable air. I would put needing a nap somewhere in between making a big deal of a cut or a bruise and enjoying music a little too much. I'd place that right about here. That would be, who do you think you are?

Starting point is 01:46:18 Get some perspective, lady. That's amazing. He creates these diagrams and illustrations that are really, really good. They're really creative. And he goes into really, really nice detail about, like, he has a video, how attractive are you? and he ranks basically how you can become the most attractive person. So he looks at someone's photo and is like, they should do this and this? It's about like how many points can a guy usually increase on this scale and what you can do to increase your points on top of just physical attractiveness?

Starting point is 01:46:48 He says that women look out for things like trustworthiness, honesty, but also that women also look for this thing called, that he calls like the dark triad, which is like a little bit of mystique factor. And you can't be like you kind of talk about just the nice guy that. The bad boy. The bad boy. You have to have a few of those qualities. But if you have too many of those, then you're really good for like, you know, just like a one-night stand or something like that. But you're not a great contender for a relationship. And he illustrates all of this stuff on a really, it's really interesting.

Starting point is 01:47:19 I love it. I'm going to check that out. And then also how to get yourself up a few points on the one to ten scale as a guy of things you could do, like getting in shape or getting like being good at music, learning another language, things like this that bump you up. And there's actually a lot more to do. do as a guy to bump yourself up than a woman can do to bump herself up. A woman can essentially make herself more attractive and sure she can be like a little funnier or be a better cook. But those are things like those are small details. I're usually not discovered until later anyway and aren't going to make a man initially attractive or a guy to your point. Get in shape. Become more successful. Become more confident. Learn how to tell a good joke and make her laugh. Absolutely true. Thank you so much

Starting point is 01:48:02 for coming on the podcast. Thank you. We have one last question. Okay. Imagine a listener out there. A guy who's been struggling in the dating scene and feeling hopeless. What is one piece of advice or encouragement you want him and all the guys listening to remember from this conversation? One lasting memory. You deserve to be with a woman that you are excited about and you are in control about whether or not that happens. And my one piece of advice, to get to that point is to build a life that you are genuinely proud of and excited to live every day. Cool. Thank you so much for coming on the show.

Starting point is 01:48:42 Thank you for having me. Thank you to all of our wonderful listeners out there. All of your information will be linked down below in the description. Yeah, and also, if you guys haven't subscribed already, feel free to subscribe at the like button. It helps us out tremendously, especially if you're at the very end of the episode and you haven't subscribed yet. It's free. And if you want to see, by the way, Jack's dating profile, break. down, join as a member.

Starting point is 01:49:03 You'll be able to see these episodes uncensored and a bit early. So you get ahead of it. The profile was juicy. It was really good. Shout out to my friends. I can't believe you had that photo on there. Shout out to my friends for contributing

Starting point is 01:49:14 their hinge profiles. Shout out Gavin. Shout out Gigi. Thank you for the shirt. Until next time. Thanks for guys for watching. Until next time.

The Iced Coffee Hour - Dating Expert: Why 90% Of Men Will NEVER Get A Girlfriend – Do THIS Instead!

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