The Ins and Outs with Ruby and Megan - Being single: love or loathe?

Episode Date: October 17, 2024

Ruby is newly single and to use her own words, entering a ‘slaggy era’. Megan has been single for years. So what’s their take on singleness? Ruby and Meg chat about their personal lives, the shocking cost of being single, solo sex and w**king stories, and where the “modern Bridget Jones” would be living today.Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@InsandOutspodEmail the podcast: [e-mail] Ruby on socials: @rubyrare Follow Megan on socials @meganbartonhanson_Ep links and resources: How many of us are choosing to be single - https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/article/2024/jun/24/no-being-single-doesnt-make-me-miserable-its-the-key-to-living-my-best-life The cost of being single - https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/a42652414/single-penatly-revealed/ Ruby and Meg recommendations:Really Good, Actually by Monica HeiseyThe Ins and Outs with Ruby and Megan is a Mags Creative and Dear Media production Producer and Content Editor for Mags Creative: Christy Callaway-GaleEditor and Engineer: Beautiful Strangers, Podcast HouseExecutive Producers for Mags Creative: Faith Russell and Kit MilsomThis podcast contains adult themes that are not suitable for children. Listener caution is advised. If you’ve been affected by anything raised in this episode and want extra support, we encourage you to reach out to your general practitioner or an accredited professional.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Are you a royer? No, I'm banned. Oops. Why are you banned? I'm banned from Tinder. Hey lovelies, you're tuning in to the ins and outs with me, Ruby Rare. And me, Megan Barton-Hanson.

Megan, hi. Hey. This is our first episode. I'm so excited. I feel, oh, I feel really excited. I also feel kind of nervous because I feel like sex and relationships, this is such a huge world that we're about to embark on. We don't have to do everything right now.

That's what I'm trying to tell myself, but I am. But like, there's so much to cover, but that's the fun of it. It is. Let's just take one step at a time. Before then, I feel like we should probably like introduce ourselves. Yeah. So tell me about you and maybe let's set the landscape of like the world you're coming from and then I'll do mine and we'll. I keep being like, we're going to make a baby.

We're not going to make a baby, guys. A podcast baby. We're going to make a podcast baby. So I feel like if anyone recognizes me, it's probably from Love Island back in the day. If not, they're probably subscribed to my OnlyFans. So I'm an OnlyFans creator now. But I done Love Island. And I guess I'm like a sex positive activist, maybe you'd say like, I don't know, I think I got such a bad time on Love Island like slut shamed and all of this it kind of snowballed into something that I never set out on doing I've done talks at like Oxford and Cambridge about like

porn and like being a sex worker and I think it's got so much shame behind it and it shouldn't have at the end of the day it's the most natural thing everyone loves fucking so like why are we not speaking about it it's crazy to me but I I feel like when you were coming up in Love Island and I remember that I think that's probably the series that I watched the most I remember at that time it's sort of like it almost felt like you had to become like outspoken and sex positive because there was so much shit coming your way and it's been really nice seeing you taking that and then like taking loads of ownership about it and being like I really care about this and this is how I'm going to speak about it and how I'm going to present myself yeah it sounds so weird but I feel like in a way I'm kind of glad I did get all that backlash and hate because if not and it would have gone under the radar I probably

wouldn't have addressed it and been this like advocate or voice for like sex workers and girls who are just horny and like sex like there's nothing wrong with that like men can say it and it's absolutely fine so why can't we well well done for reversing the double standard doing your bit I'm here for it thank you babe and what about you so I've been working in like sexual health and sex education for 10 years almost coming up to and just started by going into schools and teaching sex education and I love working with young people and it kind of made me realize how terrible my sex education was and how for like almost all of us I've yet to meet an adult who

was like my sex education was amazing when I was younger and it prepared me for everything that I entered into into adulthood and so after working in schools I started doing workshops for adults and realizing that like we all need a bit of like care and love around this because we go we come into it with a lot of fear and so yeah I kind of come from that sex positive world from social media but also now I'm a writer and have done like presenting stuff kind of just yeah anything sexy queer bit weird so we're going to be doing this every week and we've got a lot to say so most of the time well some of the times it's just going to be us too but we'll also bring in some of our favorite experts and people to like contribute as well and please send us messages make us laugh

try and shock us I think we're quite unshockable but I'm willing to be challenged I'm just nosy I want to hear all the sexual gossip I want to be like above sexual gossip but who is like obviously we want to know all about that but then yeah if there are topics or other specific questions that you have like let us know we really want this to be led by everyone like us and what we want to talk about but also all of your interests and the things you want to learn more about yeah I feel like why I'm so excited I want to make like a whole community where there is no like shame around anything ask us anything we're here for it shock us go for it ask us the really weird thing we are going to pop details of how to get in touch with us in the show notes. But for now, let's get into it. Let's do it.

First step, baby. We're going to be talking about being single. Very prevalent for me. And me. Well, recently for me as well. Oh, really? Yeah. How long have you been single for?

Coming up, I think now it's like six months. But it was a long relationship. It was like a big relationship. How long was you together? Six years. Oh, wow. I can't even comprehend. My longest has been like nine months to a year ago.

I can't imagine. I tend to. So right now I'm really trying to break the cycle because I had to have a good hard look at myself and realize that basically since I've been 15 and started dating, had to have a good hard look at myself and realize that basically since I've been 15 and started dating I've been in a relationship for like almost all of that time the most I've been single has been like a handful of months here and there and and also doesn't help that like I'm non-monogamous so I've got like multiple relationships on the go which also like that can be a lovely thing but yeah I don't know I feel really torn because I love relationships and like being with people in different ways but I am basically

grounding myself making like it's been six months and I want at least another six months of being consciously single and still like dating a bit and hooking up with people but just like I need to stand on my own for a bit because so when you say like you was only single for a handful of months would you like live with all these partners or like be seeing them like every day kind of thing this most recent relationship was the first time I lived with someone because even I am still quite independent and haven't like rushed into stuff like that yeah do you know the phrase you hauling rushed into stuff like that yeah do you know the phrase you hauling yeah a big I mean that's mostly I'm queer but not like full full gay a lot of my gay friends are like fall in love hey we're moving in let's go let's do let's do it yeah it's a big phrase in the lesbian scene isn't it and yeah I'm

definitely I try I haven't done that in the past I've not gone that full on but yeah just realizing that I've been like I find it so easy to get like wrapped up in someone else's life and I need to just be me for a while that's nice though to like see how you feel by yourself and just see people like as and when you want rather than I feel like when I date someone I'm really into them I'll kind of like morph into their life or like I don't know be available for that like mold into their routine and life so I guess yeah it's nice to have your own independence and just I'm trying watch one next week I'm like I'm in love but tell me about you where where are you at in terms of single life oh girl I've been single for so so long really since I come out of Love Island I really haven't had like

was that 2018 and we're now in 2024 but 2018 is when I got with my ex so we've had like the reverse yeah we've had polar opposites I've had like little things and I would say like the people I dated maybe for like three or four months at a time they were like we would say like I love you but then really if I deep it was I do you know what I mean it's like one of them ones but I just think the older I get the more I'm like I'm not gonna settle unless it's like I have that spark and that chemistry or bringing something into my life I'm not gonna allow myself to get attached to someone so we'll just like hook up but I think I am quite greedy I think I should just say I'm non-monogamous that's the thing saying it like it's such a difficult non-monogamous but it is like saying

an enemy or millennium or something it's like a really clunky word but non-monogamous you've got it girl i think it's also like finding ways to feel good in yourself gets i think i found it a lot easier as i've got older because we're both now you're are you 30 i'm 30 i'm 31 so like the stat my standard when i was in my early 20s on the fucking floor just like are you looking at me oh my god great let's fall in love i'll go and now i'm much better at being like oh actually i don't think like i can appreciate lots of things about you and also and maybe i don't know not in a way to sound mean but even like recognizing I think this is a really nice way that we can like date and hook up but actually in terms of anything long term this isn't what I'm wanting like that's it feels like that's what

you're describing as well yeah but it frustrates me I'm my own worst enemy when I was in my like late teens early 20s if someone was physically attractive that would be enough I'd be like oh my god she's stunning she's got like the nicest butt she's got amazing titties she's so cute her smile guys I'll be like oh my god he's so tall he's got six pack now they could be physically like carved by the gods but unless you've got like a personality or we have that vibe there's just so much more I think as you get older which I get frustrated at because I'm like I've been celibate now for so long I've just really liked hook up with someone but I can't get past just like if it's just looks I need something more does that make sense. There's actually a like sexuality that this is making me think of.

Have you heard of demisexual before? No. Demisexuality is like where you do, you are sexually attracted to people, but you actually, in order to feel that sexual attraction, you need to have formed a bit more of an emotional bond with someone. Yeah, I have that. So every day is a school day. Oh my God.

Maybe this is like, and you know, that can be like to greater or lesser extents. But I always find it really interesting when people kind of can claim that with some understanding of themselves. Unless like the sparks there or you've developed something a bit more, you're not going to like really lean headfirst into headfirst. That makes it sound a bit wrong. It's so strange that I wish I wasn't like that have you like found that with age obviously you're newly single but do you think like when you're younger you could just physically like look at someone be like okay they're hot it's enough and now as you're older you're like but they need to be funny they need to be smart they need to be driven I just think the checklist is just getting

longer and I'm like Meg reign it in girl I think I think to be honest the checklist has always been fairly long for me I've just allowed myself to look past it I think I've always needed someone who makes me laugh physical attraction I guess is important to me but not as but like actually I'm very like personality driven and also now I'm lucky because my mates and the people that I'm kind of still seeing in a more casual way just like everyone's really fit so if on top of that I'm like and they're my friends so like I fancy their minds and their values and like I think they're really funny and all of that kind of stuff but yeah looks are important but I tend I think I've always like seen the whole package.

Yeah. More. Do you remember when you were growing up? What, like any references of being single? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I feel like Bridget Jones was obviously like the main one. That's the classic. And she was like, so unhappy and like, oh, she just needed a man. And I think what, obviously I love them films, watching it. But as you get older, you're like, no, come on, girl.

You're like crushing it by yourself. You don't need a man. She's got that really nice flat as well. Any, any like 90s sitcom or noughties, 90s or noughties rom-com. I'm always just amazed at their housing. By being like, you have an entrylevel job and you live in this like really nice bougie two-bed flat she lives in like borough market sorry this is so not the point you're making you're making a really important point about self-worth and I'm like housing

prices these days okay let's we'll park that no but it's so true I would love to know what the modern Bridget Jones where she'd be living she'd be in a flat share in Deptford and having the time of her life but she'd probably have bed bugs or in self-end with me I'd be like come on girl let's get down the weatherspoons it's not that bad I mean the Deptford thing I'm just talking about myself but yeah I guess Bridget Jones or sex in the city and I'll do that even to this day if I'm like oh I'm 30 and still single is it me am I the issue I'll put on Sex and the City and I'm like okay Sarah Jessica Parker didn't start filming that till she was 30 did she so I feel like that's given me a lot of like positive but there isn't really many media things where it's championed of single

women striving like there's just not or if it is it's a bit like in spite of being like like they've been done dirty so now she's getting like yeah or in a forced way of being like i don't need any it's like this kind of performance of independence where I think a lot of the time when we're talking about singleness I struggle because um are you ready to get slightly existential only a little bit like the idea of being single doesn't really make sense to me when I really think about it because we're not like if you don't have a romantic partner why does that then mean that you are a single entity when like we are so we're surrounded by so many different connections and they like make us who we are and we feed into them like why does not having one type of

relationship negate any of the others yeah which i know like i'm trying again this is me coming from like polyamory perspective maybe and sometimes if i talk like that people are like okay ruby but no i hear it i hear it though and i think really is it a thing that society has put in place as a way to be like you have to go to work you have to find a partner settle down be monogamous because it just keeps us like very in line no one's like straying or causing chaos whereas if it was all just out being like polyamorous and doing the most like I'm not going into work on Monday I'm just gonna have the best time with like all my new friends sadly I still do have to go into work on Mondays don't don't think I'm like

I'm just like only frolicking all the time but yeah it's and like not even in terms of sexual and romantic partners like my friendships and my like family members and the people that I like share community spaces with like actually being single now is nice because it's really confirming how important all of those are. This last six months has been fucking rough, like really next level. And I wouldn't have been able to do it without all of those people. So I can't like, can I really think of myself as single when like I have been so held and looked after by like this amazing group of people? Yeah, your community of like friends and stuff.

Yeah. That's amazing it's sad to like hear that you've been going for it though the last six months but I guess it's like change it's something you're not used to yeah fully and actually I think we're starting this at a nice time if we'd started this like a month before I think we would have started talking about being single and I would just like weep but actually I I don't know what the time frame is for different people but I think in the last month I've just felt myself like settle again and actually feel like a sane person and like feel I feel like I've got my little spark back again you need to give

yourself credit because for such a long relationship that's still quite a short span of time to like pick yourself up and get over it and feel like yourself again yeah for sure I've had like relationships for like six months nine months and I'm like devastated for like a year so you're you're doing good thanks we'll get I'm sure we'll get some of the devastation but also lucky you I think I'm like entering a real slaggy era so I just bring it on baby yeah I can't wait for all the gossip um yeah there was a really great Guardian article earlier this year which was talking about being single by choice which again like we don't hear about that often because so much of the time being single is seen as like genuinely almost like a tragedy or like oh there must be something

wrong with you or like oh there must be something wrong with you or like oh sympathy like this was the survey center of american life uh finding that for gen z's 53 of them were like unpartnered by choice and that's pretty similar with millennials 59 and it only goes up more as people get older with generations so like boomers 73 percent of them were identifying as being single by choice this is why i think being able to pair like our conversations with research ours but like just in general yeah it's really important because if we don't hear those perspectives it's so easy to keep having that same message in our minds of like if we're single then it means that something's wrong with us or that's something that we actively have to change if we in order to like be happy

but there's no defined script of what happiness is like and also like not to say that then we all just like need to be really happy being single obviously that can be difficult as well of course yeah but I feel like I have personally gone through that where I've been single for so long like I've dated people on and off but not had like a full-blown relationship I was questioning myself I was like maybe I'm asexual you know do I like girls do I like guys do I like anyone and I was but it's not until you hear these stats it's like oh okay it's completely normal so many of us are choosing to be single now but I think just society does especially for women I think men feel less because really as a man you could settle down at like for mid 40s 50s and

still like find a partner still have kids at that age but for us we do have as much as I hate saying it we do have that biological clock which is less like I I think there's less urgency than we're socially told there is like that was such a weird wonky way of phrasing it but like my friendship group is like a really broad age range and so a lot of my friends with kids are like late 30s early 40s and I think for me that feels really good because it just puts the pressure off like whereas I know for some friendship groups if everyone's like the same age and everyone's like doing some of those things you're nodding is this yeah so many of my girls have like settled down and like having babies now even like the ones that I would like consider like very like not conforming to society

they still have kind of like fallen in love and had babies and that's like so beautiful to see but at the same time it does make you even subconsciously if I'm not thinking about it even in the back of my mind I'm like hmm maybe I should be like trying to find someone that can build a future with it puts that kind of element of pressure on and I think especially now on social media there's so many girls getting their eggs frozen and doing this I think oh my god do I need to do that I'm like no surely not I just look at Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker I'm like it's fine it's fine do you think you want kids I do now and I never did before I was so like I'm so selfish like I just want to live like imagine holidays ruined like I can imagine that like I just want to live like imagine holidays ruined like I can imagine that like I

just want a sunbabe and drink I love that thing that you're just like no let me holiday in peace I just need to ensure I stack enough money on OnlyFans to employ an au pair so she can come with us and I'm like I'm getting a margarita on the beach and getting a back massage you need to look after baby Bruno I love the idea of just like from across the beach and getting a back massage. You need to look after baby Bruno. I love the idea of just like from across the beach, you being like, hi, baby. Well done. You're doing great.

Make sure there's factor 50 on him, please. And a big sun hat. Sun glasses back on. I cannot wait to see that. But yeah, I guess like it does. That does make if you know that's something that you want that definitely shifts the idea of being single and obviously like you can have children without a traditional partnership but i think we're still hardwired to see that as like the only way that you can do it and i can totally appreciate for lots of people it feels quite

nerve-wracking like intentionally going out on your own and doing that um yeah what do you like from what you were saying before it feels like I'm definitely in that like single by choice thing for the next little while does that feel like you or actually are you looking for a relationship the thing thing is, like, I'm my own worst enemy. So I would love to be in a relationship. I think I've been single now for like best part of like four or five years. So I would love to, not because I need validation from someone, but just like someone to have like nice meals with, nice holidays, travel with, all of that cutesy stuff I miss. Or like if you're having a bad day you know when you just like don't

want to like hang out with your friends necessarily and like speak and have loads of conversation you just want to be like like be a little baby like snuggle me look after me I miss that it's only of an evening that I like really think I would love a partner I feel very seen by you like only really wanting a partner when it's night time because I I'm like living on my own now yeah um and I've really I like quite pride myself in being feeling like butch and brave and like if there's a spider I'll sort it like I can be the brave friend when I'm at home on my own if I hear a noise in the middle of the night I'm just losing it right now and like I'm being like big and brave in the daytime and then I just unravel at night I'm like no where's someone to look after me it gets dark and you're like daddy guys I just want

so yeah but maybe that's a bodyguard more than like more than a partner maybe we need to set up like cctv at your flat or something also i live in like a really creepy old weird house so it's probably just like is ghosts but i've just decided that they're friendly no i i really can relate like i've lived by myself for like four or five years now and it was novelty at first and some of my friends used to be like oh how much like rent a room for me I was thinking no like I want everything pristine and neat I don't want you in my space but now of an evening I I do I won't lie like I have a roster of like fuck buddies but it's not gonna feel them lonely nights when I want to watch like even just watching tv by yourself

it's not the same like i'm watching tv and i want to laugh at it but it's like i feel like a dickhead i'm sitting there laughing by myself oh my god did you see oh there's no one there what an idiot and also things aren't as funny when you're watching them on your own yeah like certain shows if i watch them with like my sibling or like a friend i will laugh a lot more and like now if I'm watching it on my own I'll notice exactly oh yeah yeah look guys it's not all positives there's actually in terms of renting a room this is like this made me prang out so much cost of being single have you thought about this before only once going on holiday you know getting a single occupancy room

is more expensive than getting a double and i thought how dare you not only am i single and i'm trying to get myself out this rut and explore the world by myself you're now charging me double assholes that's oh yeah i think the world is designed as you were saying of like every you know like this is the way that we do it like find someone get married have kids do all the stuff like I think because that's still the norm economically that's like the setup that's designed to suit everyone the best and even with like taxes I've got mates who don't want to get married but they have done because they're like literally this makes a financial a better financial decision because you are taxed less if you're in a married couple

why am i talking about tax i can know i'm talking about like let's that is wild not my area of expertise this was genuinely shocking to me there's research that came out last year by hargreaves lansdowne which showed that people who live by themselves uh and are single spend up like twice as much every year um just on like existing no girl don't kick a man while she's down what so i'm now entering that life being like guys i don't know if i can afford this should we if this goes well should we just move in together we can rock up yeah well also I wonder if being polyamorous means that I'm like saving loads of money true that's not true as if the cost of dating is real but yeah I I guess I've never really thought about singleness from a like purely economic

headspace and how fucked that is if there's like an actual financial repercussion yeah which is not conforming and like settling down that's crazy hopefully if only fans keeps doing well hopefully you're just like yeah whatever this is fine i can cover it yeah i'll be the sugar mama i've got this is fine. Thanks, babe. But no, that is wild, isn't it? I've only noticed it, like I said, like on holidays and travelling, which I always thought is so bizarre. Like, why are you going to pay more for a room if one person's staying there over two? I could never fathom that.

But this is just... I'm actually taking a back. Getting back on hinge after this. We should do an episode of looking at each other's dating profiles because i feel like i would really like to see are you a riot no i'm banned oops i'm banned from tinder tell me your story i just want to know like how we're qualified to be sitting in right now we're both blocked off dating apps so i had a sex and relationships column with vice

and i mentioned that i was on raya it was all about online dating and i said i'm on raya and i was like channing tatum's on there but i only mentioned him because it was already public knowledge it's already out that he was on there so i thought it's fine to mention him like out at him but these stories had already run but i just re maybe brought it up but i made like a self-deprecating joke i was like oh channing's on there i keep swiping him but it's not swiping me back it's obviously just not seen it or maybe his pa's swiping for him he's missed me next thing i go to sign in thanks for your support in our community it's no longer needed that's how they phrased it

i dm the most passive aggressive rejection evil i dm them i was like guys i made a little mistake i thought if it was public knowledge it was fine didn't mean it please have me back we're like nope no wow you're gone bitch bye then I got hinged and I got blocked off that for being a catfish and I was like no no no it actually is me how did you get blocked oh well this was so long ago and genuinely like I didn't do anything bad this was like maybe seven years ago on tinder I uploaded a photo that was like a really sweet lovely tender image of me bleaching my friend's hair and like we're all giggly and smiley but because it was bleached and I didn't want to get anything

on my um top I took my top off but I put emojis over my tits but like bigger than a bikini like full coverage damn damn yeah and um i was in the states and i wonder if like they've got stricter um like guidelines over there but just really quickly it was like nope that was nudity and like kept i've i tried for ages um to get an account back with that number. But also being like, guys, I'm an asset to Tinder. Like, I'm a slag. You want me. I'm going to complete it.

Let me back on. Not all the matches. I am swiping left. But yeah, I can. I, in theory, could complete Tinder or any other app. But yeah, I feel a bit foolish. Because I also, fair enough, like I do get it. And if nowadays I would never have posted something like this.

But I think I honestly was just like, hey, I need some new photos. This one's cute. Let's go. And they didn't like it. But equally, it must be like humans like reporting you. Because how would like AI know that if the emojis were bigger than like a bra cup how's that gonna know I should have done like emojis and then like drawn a thing like it was a triangle bikini it's crazy I don't get how this reporting stuff works yeah so sadly tinder if

you're listening take me back I'm sorry and Raya yeah Raya please well raya accept me because i'm still not on you yeah we need to definitely get on that i want to close out this episode chatting about one of my favorite topics which i know you are very down to talk about as well which is solo sex um what are your thoughts about like we i'm excited to keep talking about solo sex and masturbation throughout this, throughout our episodes. But how do you find sex and masturbation through the context of singleness? Not to like bring the tone down or like make it negative vibes. But for me, it's been a really tricky, I guess, situation with masturbation and just like self-pleasure. Like when I was year nine, so I don't even know what year, like how old I would have been, maybe like 15.

I think you're nine to 13, 14. Right. So I was in year nine and a guy in year 11 was like, can you send me a video of you masturbating? And at the time I was just so nervous I was like no no no I don't want to send it to you thank god I didn't because like have you even done it before I said yeah of course I have then the next day I went in school my life was hell everybody that's the girl that fingers herself oh my god and then I'm going back home crying. And back then no one spoke about it. There wasn't podcasts like this. People didn't speak openly about sex.

And my mom's like, why are you so upset? Why do you want to move school? I think, I can't tell her. What on earth am I going to do? So that was my introduction to self-pillage, which wasn't great. And at that point, I hadn't even done it. But I think because the whole bullying aspect had created so much shame around it when I finally did want to do that after I'd done it like you know post not clarity I would have like post not shame

I'd be like oh my god like obviously it's amazing in the moment but like once I'd orgasmed I'd be like oh my god maybe I should feel bad I'm on your slack like why have I like it was it was really sticky for me but I think until I had my platform after Love Island and I spoke about that experience and every person does it it's just back then women weren't really allowed to speak about it or it wasn't known for women to speak about it and there were probably girls at your school who were like relieved it was you getting bullied and not them like like which stops people from speaking out because also not to trivialize that is so fucking rough and it makes me really upset that so many people have had experiences like that as teenagers

before you've even become sexual yourself that there's just like this huge layer of shame that you then have to try and work your way through as well as becoming like an a sexual being an adult it's horrendous and like and actually yeah we need to talk about it with that like seriousness to it because it's not like I'm here to have a laugh with you and like there's a lot of stuff here that's really silly but actually at the at the like surface level of all of these conversations there's a lot of pain and shame that we also need to address but I think that's the beauty of us doing this it will like allow girls to feel like oh it is normal to feel that way because after them like months of shaming and bullying I was like even in the confines of my

own house I'm not hurting anyone boys would joke about wanking and coming to school and be like oh yeah we like all these wanking jokes but as a girl if you done it oh my god you're dirty you're a slag so I think it's so important that we are actually doing this and speaking about it because I'm not gonna lie I've had some of the best orgasms of my life by myself and actually very important you know what the only thing again like so this is such a weird analogy to make what you were saying about like watching tv and not having someone to laugh with I think with masturbation you're right you can really because you're not having to think about anyone else you can just really be in your own body in your own zone but I will sometimes

like have a wank and it be so blindingly successful and I almost I don't want anyone to be there when I'm masturbating but I kind of want someone to be there afterwards to like debrief and be like Christ that was good and like have a chat to after and then you're like okay I've got I'm just gonna do that bit myself or I'll like message a friend and do you say to your friends like oh my god I just like oh you're not that open with there's there's some friends of mine especially like mates of mine who I do hook up with and also mates of mine who are in like the sex work world or kind of more sex positive movement I can especially if I've done something

a bit unusual or weird can be like lol guys just this ended up happening oh I love that that's so nice do you have do you have how are we phrasing that like mates that you can chat about your orgasms to no I I wouldn't really say friends like more people I'm just like seeing at the time maybe if I just want a bit of like I don't know a bit of an audience maybe I'll text them during and just let them know like yeah step by step what's going on but yeah I never thought about that I guess that is the part after where I said like back in my early 20s after the whole bullying thing I would feel like this overwhelming

sense of shame after now I don't feel shame but I guess I haven't like ever thought about like oh reaching out to someone being like oh my god this was amazing well if you have a really sensational orgasm and you need someone to know about it you're very welcome to text me I'm gonna let you know no pressure oh my god I have also also if you're listening this isn't your invitation to tell us mainly on maybe on only fans can I tell you a really embarrassing wanking story and also do you call it wanking because what do we call it as women I move around I think for a long time I said solo sex from like a professional standpoint because also there was something quite nice about like

leveling out like there's solo sex there's partnered sex there's like group sex it's all just sex it's not like better or worse depending on how many people are there and I still stand by that but maybe solo sex feels a bit earnest now wanking silly and fun masturbation's fine yeah we need we need some more like good words though I feel like what do you go for wanking because I feel like, although obviously that's typically for men, I just feel like masturbation is so like formal and like clinical. I don't like that. We can go with wanking.

No, but wait, I want to hear your story. Okay, this is so, so embarrassing. So when I was younger, the only time I had a flatmate at the time, the only place I could wank was literally in the shower or in bed so I was like we're gonna go with the shower this time we're like it's a hair wash day washing the hair round one fine I thought she's getting greedy here round two what for round two I didn't really take in consideration the heat of the shower I went so like edit everything was spinning and I was just like staggering out and I was calling my friend

up the stairs and bear in mind he's like a gay guy and then I'm like fully naked and he's like no I heard if people faint you need to put your legs above your head i'm like no no no oh my god the shame the embarrassment the chaos of it all because what happened in there i said oh i don't know i think i just haven't eaten today and i had it too hot but my heart's going pitter-patter oh my god wow oh my god Fainting from coming twice. It's a story I've not heard that before. You need some like Victorian smelling salts. I just crack a window open actually, Megan.

That's what you need to do. Them shower heads are aggressive, let me tell you. Also, now I'm worried about your bowl for like don't get burned i am gonna be thinking about that for like days to come even round two even saying again i'm like yeah this is incredible i hope you got into your bed like cooled off and then you were like okay we can finish round two now oh i don't know how i played that maybe you're just like i'm done for the day guys sorry i icarus i flew too close to the sun oh my god

on that note have we tackled everything that there is about singleness I mean no obviously there's more to talk about um but we've hit the serious you've made me laugh so much I've almost cried we've like helped to feel more empowered in like the choice of being single but with all of these topics you know there's so many different ways of looking at them so we hope we've opened your eyes a little bit and like made you see things from different perspectives is there anything today that you were like particularly surprised by maybe the cost of being single to be honest that's the thing that's going to change things what about you maybe you will never try masturbating in a shower after that I mean I can't believe I shared that I just want to go back and like hug megan and be like babe

well well done that was brave of you it's stupid but brave no i think actually i really appreciate like being being like hearing from you that you feel like content being single but you can also recognize the things that you're missing because it can so feel like an all or nothing like either you're like miserable or you're really happy and actually finding a middle ground and just being like honest with where you're at is really helpful and I think will be that's really useful for me to like take away and think about with my next little bit of singleness yeah but I feel like you're doing super well being single like with all your friends around you and all of that like you said if you've only ever been single for a few months at a time, whatever, it could have been so easy for you to just dive back into another relationship by now.

For sure. So you're smashing it. Thanks, babe. I appreciate it. Can I recommend you a novel as well? Or maybe audiobook as well? I know you're more of an audiobook babe. I am. of an audiobook babe I am so I really liked a novel called Really Good Actually which is by Monica Heisey I think I'm pronouncing that right it's so funny but just like very real about being single but like getting to a place of that feeling good so oh my god it sounds like I need to download that it's a really cute one um and yeah I hope that you've all enjoyed listening thank you

for coming along for the rides this has been fun I loved it I feel like I'm massively overshared but whatever start as we mean to go on so that was it that was our first episode please let us know what you think you can email us or get in touch in lots of different ways all that information is in the show notes and please send us your sex questions conundrums, and any questions you have for us. And please be open, as we have. Shot us. And yeah, until next time, this has been The Ins and Outs. Bye, babes.