The Ins and Outs with Ruby and Megan - Grindr for girls?

Episode Date: December 19, 2024

Buckle up as Ruby and Meg reveal their Hinge and Feeld dating profiles, offering each other (and you listeners!) dating app tips along the way. We hear about Ruby and Meg’s best and weirdest dating app stories - from Ruby’s first date at a sex party to Meg’s phase of dating furiously to get a ‘festive boyfriend’. They laugh about creating romantic fantasies about people before and after dates - “what will my wedding speech be like?!” And Meg prepares for a first date TONIGHT! Also… where is the Grindr for girls please?? Email the podcast: [e-mail] Ruby on socials: @rubyrare Follow Megan on socials @meganbartonhanson_The Ins and Outs with Ruby and Megan is a Mags Creative and Dear Media production Producer and Content Editor for Mags Creative: Christy Callaway-GaleEditor and Engineer: Beautiful Strangers, Podcast HouseExecutive Producers for Mags Creative: Faith Russell and Kit MilsomThis podcast contains adult themes that are not suitable for children. Listener caution is advised. If you’ve been affected by anything raised in this episode and want extra support, we encourage you to reach out to your general practitioner or an accredited professional. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I'm Lauren and I'm Ashley and this guys is Nip Tuck Pod. We are your girl chat. We say the things you want to hear, the things that you're thinking but you don't want to say out loud and we're all about being strong aspirational women who basically don't give a... Lauren anyway if you want unfiltered chat, amazing beauty and product recommendations then look no further guys. This is the podcast where you will get all of the girly chat. The following podcast is a Dear Media production.

This is Field. Field, okay. Profile picture is giving it's start. We've got the red lip on, the winged liner, hair's looking fleeky as fuck. Oh my God, I've not been described as fleek for so long. What an honor. Should I read it out?

You can do, oh my God. Yeah, yeah, go for it, no, no, no, go for it, go for it. Hey everyone, you are tuning into the ins and outs with me, Ruby Rare. And me, Megan Barton-Hanson. I feel self-conscious about having a red lip on doing a podcast. Oh my god, you look stunning. I like it but when just before we started I was like I'm gonna put a bloody red lip on let's do it and

now I feel like overly formal. I don't know, red lips always make me feel like I'm changing character slightly. Does it? I love a red lip. I feel like on your worst days put a red lip on you're feeling great. Okay well thank you. You look 10 10 girl. And also this actually isn't even a worst day like I'm doing genuinely I'm doing alright. So she's adding bonus points. You're giving 20 out of 10 right now. So Ruby I wanted to ask you the X is like such a big thing and I for a long time was like I don't believe in X if you fancy someone you can bypass certain X but what a big X for you that you've seen in a partner like there's no coming back from that one. I feel slightly more like where you were at before I still feel slightly hopeful of being like X aren't a thing that just hang around forever. Mostly, there's some

things that you notice and you like, can't unnotice. Yes. And it's not only with like partners, but with other people, like colleagues, friends as well. I think when I noticed someone saying um, a lot in their speech pattern, yeah, that I can't not notice it anymore. Right. And that really can get under my skin. And then I feel bad because I'm like, it's not your fault. This is, we all speak in different ways, but that has definitely been something that I've picked up on in the past.

And then I'm just like, fuck, I can't let go of that. It's just like rattling around in my brain now. That's maybe a softer ick though. You might be more brutal than me. That's maybe a softer ick though. You might be more brutal than me. I think I'm so, because I'm kind of like weird in my own ways, I kind of love people's quirks and weirdness. So it's not like, you know when girls are like, oh, a guy running for a train and he misses it. It's an ick. I think, oh, I'd want to go hug him. Like, that's so cute. I do find this sort of some of the ick, like talking about icks like as a trend, I find it funny.

Yeah. But also poor guys. Well, poor guys and not poor guys. But the one that I fucking hate is when people are like, a man using an umbrella is an ick. Being like, come on everyone, get a fucking grip. What's he supposed to do? Pull out his kugel?

Use like appliances or whatever. I will say actually insects, a big thing that comes up for me is when I, is this an ick? When I get the impression that someone is really smug, like when they're like, I'm about to put out this move and I'm fucking amazing and blah blah blah, like overly performing. If I'm sleeping with someone, I want it to feel like real and like giggles and little things going wrong and all of that wrapped up. If someone's like goes into sort of serious modes, like they're about like a Shakespearean actor

but it's just shagging. I'm like, no, come on. I need you to take yourself less seriously. And that maybe can build up into a bit of an ick if that's like someone's go-to, if like the shift into sex is like a big one. Yeah, like they're being very performative. Yeah.

Yeah, that is quite icky, I guess. That's a nice one still. I don't know. We're like, maybe we're gonna get more savage throughout this episode, we're both being really nice. No, but I think personal hygiene is like an ick. You know, like if you'll go to a guy's house and you can just tell them bed sheets have not been washed in like...

Is that an ick though or is that just having standards? I don't think... If someone's like got a fucking grubby bed, it's not like, oh no, I've got the ick. It's like, no, you don't have a good cleaning routine. Okay. You You deserve clean sheets Meg. Yeah okay that's not an ick that's just like a basic human need maybe. Yeah yeah that's just having standards. So everyone listening we want to know if you get the ick, what you get the ick about and the big question can you move past an ick? So email in the address is hello at ins and outs pod.com. Shall we get cracking with today's episode? Let's do it babe. Alright today we are going to be talking about the ins and outs of dating apps.

When we recorded the first episode we discovered that we're both banned off different dating apps. So I'm banned off Tinder. What are you all banned off? Raya. Yep, great. Great start. Really giving us the credentials to like have a podcast when we talk about sex and dating. So if you want the juicy goss about why both of us are not on those platforms you can go back and listen to the very first episode. But I guess to kick things off, what apps do you use now? The main and only one I use now, obviously, because rare isn't an option, is Hinge. What do you use?

I mostly use Field. I've heard about this. Which isn't very well known. No, tell us more. I guess in the sort of kinky non-monogamous world, field feels really mainstream. It's like the main app that like friends of mine use. And then I was looking this up earlier

around like the most popular dating apps in the UK. So can you guess what the most popular one is? This is a basic question, cause we know the answer. I would have said hinge. No, it's Tinder. No way. Yeah is a basic question because we know the answer. I would have said hinge. No, it's Tinder. No way. Tinder is still king. 10 years in, so Tinder's got 2.49 million users.

Hinge has got one and a half million. So Tinder's still like going strong and then Bumble's like 1.4 million, Grindr, 900,000, plenty of fish, throwback, that's about 600,000. That is such a blast from the past. So you're high up on the leaderboard and Field isn't even on there. Like Field feels like really mainstream in my world. Yeah.

And then I forget it's not really as well known, I guess, in bigger spaces. Yeah, I've only heard about it from one person and she said she really loves it but yeah can you tell us more like can you meet people to go on dates one on one or is it purely just for like group sex? Yeah yeah I know it is like you you can use it in so many different ways but you can like I use it just as like me going and hanging out with like other individuals you can also be on there like listed as a couple and you can like match your profile to a partner or multiple partners of yours but it's not only for people who are into like open relationships and threesomes. It's really really varied and I like it. There's

like such a range of gender identities and pronouns and like all the different kinky stuff that you might be into. It kind of gives you a lot to play with. Whereas I do really like, I'm a nerd for all dating apps. I will always try, if there's a new one, I wanna see what it's like. I wanna like give things a go. I do love Hinge and I do use it as well. And there are non-monogamous and queer people on there,

but sometimes I feel like often on Hinge, I'm interacting with lots of people who I know are not up for the kind of relationship I want. And then you find your people. Whereas on field, I know it's more likely that people are going to be on board with non monogamy and like that's not going to be this new thing that they're nervous about and maybe isn't for them. Yeah, that sounds like a cool space. If I'm good, that's homework for today. Yeah.

Also, can I, before we get into something else, actually, no, no, no, there's some interesting stats and then I want to tell you about something stupid and fun that I love and I found out about the other day. So, couple more dating app facts. 21% of young people who are single and looking for a partner in the UK are no longer using dating apps.

These have been in our lives for like 10 years now and I remember like back in the day everyone used a dating app just as like the default. Yeah. And nowadays I guess it's not there are people opting out of it more often. That's surprising because I remember in the past episode I was like I want to go back to like dating in the wild like actually meeting people out in real life. How's that going? dating in the wild, like actually meeting people out in real life. How's that going? Still single, I guess, not great. No one's approached yet.

But reassuring to know that some people are coming off of dating apps and trying to like meet people in person. Which I think like dating in general isn't easy. And I think we sometimes the way that we like gamify dating through apps, it's almost like this false promise that it's going to be this really easy, smooth sailing thing. And we know it's not. And I love, I'm such an advocate for apps. I think they're amazing in terms of meeting people that you'd never have a connection with if you were just like in your day to day life. I think that's really exciting, but we do have struggles and things that we find difficult with them. And that's

allowed as well. And I think more and more, especially younger generations, Gen Z from the research I've done isn't vibing with dating apps in the way that us millennials have done, because we kind of grew up, we came up with them almost. Yeah, and I do relate when you say that's the go-to for a lot of people maybe five years ago. For me, I didn't know any other way,

especially if you're like busy with like work and other things, like when do you find time just to like lurk around or hang around? What's it gonna be single people? Like it's hard. So I think for a convenience thing, dating apps are great. But equally, I don't know if you've found the same

when you've used them. I do find it's like just another job on my to-do list. Whereas I feel like if I met someone just out and about, you'd like naturally want to like talk to them, find out everything. But like over an app or like it just feels like, oh another chore. And then I think I don't really know if I'm gonna fancy them in person. Do you know what I mean? You can have great chat and banter for like weeks long and then you build up to the first day and I know, I know it sounds mean but like in the first five minutes if I fancy someone or not. Oh and like I think it's like within

seconds I know if there's going to be a vibe or not. Yeah. Also sorry I have to circle back to this, are you chatting to people on apps for weeks? A few sentences, but I'm bad. I'm impatient. I'm like, if we get a bit of a vibe, let's meet, let's nip this in the bud. Like that makes it sound really bad. Actually, it's not nip this in the bud, but like I want to know if we are going to get on in real life. I don't want to create this like fantasy perception of who you are by like chatting for ages in this little like online bubble. I use apps to meet people in person as soon as possible. Exactly. Like I kind of minimise that time.

Cause yeah, I chatting to someone who I don't know for weeks, I can barely reply to like my friends and my family on WhatsApp. I don't need another person I've never met before. Let me text you all the time. That's so true. And I love that you said that like building up

this fictional character because I do it. I make this person into like what I want them to be in my head and it's so mean because on the first date it's always a bit of an anticlimax. I've built them up to be like amazing and it's like oh. But then maybe if you minimise that time so you don't give yourself as much brain space to like create this fantasy. Also I'm very bad for creating the fictional thing after I've met someone, especially if I've like had a good date. God, there was someone who we are still hanging out now and like they're really lovely. But we met for the first time in the summer and we met on field and had this like really

amazing first date and then found out he's a musician and so then like sent me his music afterwards. If you've had a date that's gone well you can spot you can do that kind of spiral of like oh my god this is what our life's gonna look like together. Pair that with like a soundtrack that that person has made themselves. In your head you're already touring with him around Europe. I was like, maybe I do want to get married. Like Courtney and Travis Barker doing the whole tour, having his baby on the tour bus.

And also going from like, I'm probably like mostly gay to being like, oop, don't know about that guys actually. So I had to like, literally, I had like gave myself 24 hours to do the fantasy and then was like, no, no, remember, this is a lovely person, but they are a person. They are not the person in your brain. Like, let's just vibe as we are.

Cause yeah, the spiral fictional world is a dangerous line to tread. I'm so glad you're voicing it though. Cause I do the same for sure. Like one good day I'm like picturing our wedding. That's not okay. What's my wedding speech going to be like? How am I going to do like an effortless look, like very classy cry? No, it's crazy though.

Like considering my longest relationship has been like nine months, I like go to like, oh, I wonder what he's going to look like at 50. But I still want to fuck him. I'm like Meg, just get like go to like, oh, I wonder what it's gonna look like at 50. But I still wanna fuck it. I'm like Meg, just get to the third date. Would you like fucking reign it in? But also that's part of the fun as well. Like we're allowed to be a bit delusional and like, I don't wanna stop myself from doing that at all

because it is fun. It's nice. But also I don't wanna get carried away with it and like forget the human who's there and the fact that like we're all humans and we all make mistakes or like maybe we're just like not as compatible as we thought we were or whatever. So yeah, that's a nice way of doing it though. 24 hours do all the like the fantasy. It's like back to the real world, Revy. Come on, crack on.

I like that. I'm going to give myself 24 hours next time. I've actually got a date tonight, a first date. So let's see. Hopefully. Okay, exciting. Very exciting. Can I show you something slightly unhinged that I've always got like a new weird app that I want to talk about? This one, sadly, not for me. You know Grindr? I'm sure most people listening will be. It's like the gay boys mecca of apps. I kind of wish there was like a Grindr for girls. I did have one called Her. Have you heard of that? I've never really, Her has had its moments for me,

but I've never really vibed with it. But also Grindr is a lot, is not necessarily, but has a bit more of a sexual undertone to it of like, hey, do you want to hook up? Yes. And I feel like with girls dating, I'd love there to be a bit more like chill casual sex, rather than being like, hey, let's meet up and share our life stories, all of our astrology, and our like hopes and dreams and fears. And then, and then like maybe let's kiss and I'll pine after you for two weeks and be thinking about that kiss and like I love that don't get me wrong but sometimes I do

just want to shag. Yeah, cut to the chase. Yeah. So have you heard of Sniffies? No. Okay I'm gonna get this up for you. I love the name already. Sniffies is not an app, it's like a website because it's quite explicit. Sniffies is like making cruising culture where, you know, people are having anonymous hot sex together. It's kind of like digitalizing that a bit, but it's just like immediate. So I'll show you. It like only shows you on your location Also, we're recording this in Vauxhall the gay capital of London. So I think there's gonna be a lot of people You're about to see dicks and holes I'm ready. Okay, so all of these guys are logged on now and They're like hey, it's like a beacon just being like I'm down to fuck right now

Oh my goodness and they're just like showing you the full dicks you're not even wasting time you're only going if there's over seven inches. Well I am. This is what? Oh my god I don't think they're looking for us sadly but like I love that this is what's going on as like another form of you know this is maybe not a dating app although I'm sure that people have found love on sniffies. But I love how these spaces like evolve and change and something like, you know, cottaging and cruising, which were really, well, still but historically really important ways for gay men to connect. There's like a digital

version that that's carrying on now. That's good. But just a quick question, what's cottaging? So cottages were like, you know, those sort of public toilets that look like a little house or a cottage? Yeah. Like that's the name for like meeting up and hooking up in those kinds of spaces. Oh, so especially in the 20th century when still being gay was like not legal and it was a lot more kind of hidden and secret. That would be a way that lots of gay men could like find each other and connect. Right. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I have heard about them toilets

and it's so funny. My dad was, my dad was in a toilet. Where is this going? He must have just been like taking a shit, fuck knows what he was up to. And it's like some guy was just looking at me through the door. Through the door. I thought he thought he was there like trying to hook up. He's like thank you but no thank you.

Just trying to take a shit and leave, bro. Fuck that. Bless him. Yeah, well, it's a whole underground world, you know? I do feel a bit sad that that doesn't feel as safe or as doable for women. Because I would love a version of that. There's something quite like exciting and thrilling about that. But I guess there's like dangers for everyone.

But I think particularly if you are a woman or like present in a more femme way, like you obviously just clock all the potential dangers of doing something like that way more than the fun stuff. So maybe in like the future I will get a gay cottageing experience for myself. We will see. There needs to be something similar because I do feel the same. Like I have so many gay guy friends and they all use Grindr in a similar way. No conversation before. They're just meeting up, getting to it. But I think yeah,, as women it's kind of scary isn't it? Because you don't know like, unless there's like some strict guidelines in place to make sure that it

is another woman and not like Terry from Stoke who's like 70, do you know what I mean? We don't want Terry actually. We're here for just the purse. So can I see your date, your hinge profile? Yeah, I am nervous, but be brutal with me because I clearly need help. I've been single six years, so let me get my phone. Get your phone. I will show you mine as well. How should we do it? Should we just like swap?

Yeah, shall we? Not me with my 34 notifications. I'm nervous. Ruby, this is yours. What is this? Is this Hinge? This is Field. Field okay. Profile picture is giving it's start. We've got the red lip on, the winged liner, hair's looking fleeky as fuck. Oh my god I've not been described as fleek for so long. Should I read it out? Or no, just. You can do, oh my God. Yeah, yeah, go for it.

No, no, no, go for it, go for it. Let's do it. Honesty, transparency. Silly sparkly she they. I love sea swims, sweaty dancing, and rolling around in deliciously wicked ways. Currently into stumpy toppy dikes, fem per fem, bye boys, the more the merrier, play fighting.

Oh my god, play fighting? I really want to get into wrestling. I want to get like really hench and good at wrestling. That's sick. It feels very weird hearing that being said out loud by someone else. What is a toppy dyke? Well, just like a really fit dyke-y woman or non-binary person who's got like sort of dummy top energy. I'd like, you know, I want someone who I can just like

stare up at who's gonna stomp around and be a bit bossy. So yeah, what do you make of it? I love, I need to take tips because I think mine's too serious. I've really tried to not take myself too seriously in it. And like, obviously I wanna come off, I want people to be like, she's hot yeah but also I want people to get see that and be like I'm also silly funny personality don't take myself

seriously bit weird because actually I don't just want to hang out with people who are like really aesthetically my type I also want them to be like a bit odd and like we're gonna have stuff that we can vibe off of with each other. Yeah, that's where I think I'm going wrong. You've got so much personality, like your humor's there, whereas mine I'm just like giving nothing. And I am saying currently into quite a lot of different things, but that is because it's true.

Girl, there's no rules. Like what you like. Okay. Alright, let's have a look at yours. Oh mine's so boring. You look fit. Thank you. Okay. Are you 5'5 as well? Yeah. Oh my god, we're the same height.

You're interested in monogamy? Hey, respect. I'm in just trying to set the boundaries. Couldn't be me. I'm the only princess to set the boundaries. Couldn't be me. I'm the only princess around here honey. Okay, I go crazy for tall, kind, funny, assertive and a sexy sexy man. You get bonus points if you have a weird party trick or a cute dog. That's sweet. That like gives personality as well.

Oh my god, you like, you're gorgeous in every single one of that one. I think that first one is like black and white Marilyn Monroe moment with a cigarette. People know I am a smoker. I do really enjoy that. And again, something like that. That's smart of you being like, okay, if you're not into this, this is who I am. We're not all going to be everyone's cup of tea. And that's like, I mean, you look fucking sensational, but like a bit of an instructive way of going like,

this is me. The last one you'll wear, is it a wig? You've got like, pastely pink hair and like so much highlighter, you look stunning. And you're like looking off into the distance. It's very ethereal. And you have a video in there, which is nice, which like shows a bit more.

All of your photos are really fucking hot. And I want there to be one where you're being a bit silly and smiley and cheeky. And like candid, like it's not a photo shoot. I'm not on set for something. It's just like normal. I think that would be nicer, do you think? Get you a little photo in nature.

Yeah. Let me get amongst it. Amongst the trees. Yeah, no, you're right photo in nature. Yeah, let me get amongst it. Amongst the trees. Yeah, no, you're right, I think. Just to be more human. And I do, I love the prompts in Hinge because I think it does like give you a lot of information about a person, not what they say, but also like if you're choosing to take it off in a slightly different direction, you know, it shows a bit of cheekiness. Because also if I'm, when I'm on Hinge, you get those like very typical responses of big, like ages ago, it used to be every woman that I matched, I like saw would be

like, I love gin. And I was like, I like gin too. There's gotta be more interesting stuff that we can talk about here. Like don't lead with that. Or when people are like, oh yeah, just don't put like pineapple on your pizza. I'm like, yeah, well, I'm, yeah, I challenge you to change two of the really hot picks to like one a bit sillier because you are goofy.

I am such a goofy. Like show a bit of that. Okay. And maybe a nature pick and then see if that makes a difference. I'm gonna report back next time. My old PT who's such a lovely guy once was like, can you have a look at my hinge and like see

what's going wrong because I don't know why like women just want to hook up with me and then be done and I he showed me and I was like babe you're only showing topless photos like what come on that is such a red flag. Like if you want to fall in love like you got come on you look great we all know you look great but like let that be a little surprise or like one we whittled it down i was like one topless pick and it can't be the first one and he's like fine no that's really good advice i think that will help a lot like show him more of my goofy side because i think it's just oh and i especially i think because a lot of people have a perception of you from like, Telly World and OnlyFans. It's like having the confidence to show,

but also you're all of this other wonderful stuff and like... Yeah. I think being able to present as like, quite well-rounded, that you're like all of those different bits is always what I tend to like, encourage people to do on apps. That's so true. And I think it is like a security like thing to just put pictures where like I'm on set, I'm at work. I know that I've had full glam.

I've got wigs. It's kind of like distancing myself from the world. Do you know what I mean? It's like security. But also that's, I think to recognise that is a really important thing. And you're allowed to do that too. Like you get to choose what this is like.

You don't have to take anyone's advice including mine. Oh, but I am. I want to see what happens with my new matches. I want to hear some of your juicy dating app stories. There's been so many. So I'll be brutally honest that people are probably going to judge me for this, but like not largely the year before I furiously dated, like literally would line up dates

back to back because I just wanted a festive boyfriend. I'd been single for so many Christmases. My parents are still together. My brother has his girlfriend. I'm like, oh, I just want a boyfriend. Like a Christmas is so dead on your own. So I was literally like lining up dates after dates. I would like be there for one drink.

If it wasn't a vibe, onto the next one. Just calling it. Yeah. So in amongst all of that, the common theme was, I don't know whether it's my profile pictures or what, I had about five men that year ask me on the first day if I would peg them. Now I feel like I'm such a geeky, quiet, like baby, shy, like why am I giving off the dominant energy that I'm going to put on a strap on and peg you, sir? You need to send them my way. Actually, I don't know, I'm quite picky with men. But yeah, that's been the most like random thing on a first date to be like, one guy

who's like, oh, you know you're bisexual? I said I said yes I think I'm bisexual too. I said oh really? what made you think that or like how come? So like do you fancy a guy? No I just want to be pegged. I was like not the same thing baby. It's completely different like so you're not attracted to men. If you're getting fucked by a woman that's not bisexual. You could be, like you can still be, but okay. Yeah, weird to like find the common trends that happen with the people that you interact with. What about you? What's been the weirdest day experience would you say? I mean, I've had a lot of weird, bad experiences and a lot of them that kind of get your hopes up for a particular kind of person and then immediately you're like, Oh, you are not who I thought you are. And then that's, that feels so sad

when you're like interacting with someone but feeling a bit like disheartened because that shouldn't be about that person. That's fine. Like we all just have different like strokes for different folks kind of vibe. But last summer, I had, I'd say like one of my most successful first dates, which I loved. Me and this girl got talking on field and she was over from Canada to do like a poetry retreat in like the woods. And I just come back from a writing retreat and it felt very like sweet and wholesome. I was working on my book, we were talking about writing stuff like lots in common. Yeah. And then she mentioned that she was going to a sex party called Joy Ride,

which I love as a space. It's like a nightclub party, but then there's also sexy stuff that happens. It's not like full orgy vibe. Yeah. And I'd been thinking about going. And so then I was like, well, maybe if we're going to hang out while you're here, like, I know it's weird, but would you want to go together? And so we went to a sex party as our first date. Oh my God, that's iconic.

And to this day, only date. Like I think the next time she's in the UK or if I go to Canada, we'll see each other again. But like, that's the one time we've met up and we went for a drink before and thank fuck, when she arrived, both of us very quickly were like, oh, you seem lovely, I'm into you, this is on, this is gonna be a good time.

Perfect. If we'd not vibed, then maybe we would have gone for a drink and been like, maybe let's not go to this thing or whatever. But yeah, like having a first kiss with someone in a sex party, like in a club, when there's all this crazy stuff happening around you was just a really special moment. I think that was one of those like, if like, baby queer Ruby in like my early 20s could see me then, I think she'd be really amazed and like proud that that's something I could do. Yeah I think that's

so incredibly brave and iconic. And she's so hot Megan. Oh my god. She's so lovely. I'm in a way it's probably a good thing. I mean I would like her to move here. Very gay but but like in a way it was kind of good that it was just a one-time thing because I think we both could have gone and done that very gay-yoo-hole situation. Do you reckon you would have been moving in in your fields? You and me, writing little poetry and books alongside each other and then fucking... Oh my god, your star sign artwork and your cats. Oh my god, it would have been so cute. Not the cats for me, sorry.

Oh, that's a buzz. I thought every single queer people like love cats. No. Every girl I've dated has always had a cat and I'm petrified of the little bastards. Yeah. I'm not. I like animals a lot. I love animals, but I don't really feel the need to have a pet. If I do, I'd have, I'd want like a little, a tiny handbag dog or like a rabbit that I

put in a handbag. That would be so cute. That's more my vibe than a cat. I love, I think I like, I'm still sort of swooning over that. That sounds so romantic and cute. And we would have never met if it wasn't for dating apps. Yeah. Like there is no mutual connection.

She literally lives the other side of the world and yet we like found each other and had this really beautiful moment and it's not about creating like a long-term lasting relationship like that and itself was just really beautiful. Yeah like a lovely experience. That app sounds amazing because if you was doing that on Hinge you'd have to talk and do all the background shit before you even got to that point of inviting her. Do you think, do you not think you can do a bit of that on there?

Do you know what I hate, I guess it is sexist maybe, but with men, I feel like if I took that approach with a man, he would look at me in a certain way. Whereas if I had it set to women, because when I first got Hinge, it was only set to women. And with girls, I would be a bit more direct and be like, look, should we just go for a drink? I think we're gonna have a a vibe. She let me up.

But I do think with men, they just read it. I'll take that with the wrong energy. They're like, oh, she's keen. She wants, she wants to just like hook up for sex. And it's like irritating. And that does get in the way of apps being fun. I think maybe I'm just enjoying them because I'm dating men less.

I think you're right. I'm going to change my pictures up. Only women and queer people. And then you're like, oh, actually, I mean, still, there's some arseholes in the mix, but being like, actually, maybe apps are great. Yeah, no, I definitely need to get on field and maybe set my settings back to men and women. See, okay, we can bounce through life. It's all about what you feel like doing and being with at the moment, but. It's so true. There's no one, like, you have to stick to this

just because I'm mainly dating guys and I don't have to stick to that. No, you get to choose your own rules, baby. As we're summing up, what are your top tips for using dating apps? I mean I don't know who's gonna take this single girl's advice but I do think being direct with like what you want like maybe and I just said like with guys it's harder to say like be more assertive and be like right let's go for a drink straight away because

they might read into it wrong but equally I do think you need to just say like what you're looking for and don't't be shy. Because at first, I was a bit nervous to be like, I'm looking for something serious. Because I felt like maybe it puts pressure on maybe it's coming across like, as desperate. But equally, there's no point in wasting time being like, oh, yeah, I'm just looking for something. Like, I ultimately want someone to like, go for dinners with travel with explore the world with make memories with, I with, explore the world with, make memories with. I think just be honest with what you're looking for because it will cut a lot of like time wasting.

I don't think that's desperate at all. The more specific you are about what you're looking for, the more information you're giving people as that like first initial contact. And it might mean you don't get as many likes because you're making your pool slightly smaller. But in theory, what that does mean is that the more people who do like and interact with you are on board with a similar thing that you want.

So true. And you're going to be more compatible with the people that are still there. Or be like me and just put many different things being like, are you a high femme? Are you a toppy dyke? Are you a bisexual guy? Do you want to wrestle with me? I love that advice though. I'm going to say like a similar thing to what I said to you before. Put photos up that feel really great, but the aim isn't to be as hot as you physically can be. The aim is to show off your personality. True. And like, have a bit of range in there. And I always try to have like one or two photos that are conversation starters as well, where you're doing something like, let's not do

the really overdone, like, I don't want to see photos of you skiing. I don't want to see you holding up a puppy. Sorry to the puppies out there or someone else's baby. If you are holding up a fucking fish, hell no. Be a bit more inventive and like you, but if it's like you doing a hobby that you really love or like I met the Queer Eye guys like ages ago for a long time that was one of my photos because people would be like oh my god you met them and then I had this really fun story that I could share. You're not just thinking about presenting yourself as hot, you're thinking about like the conversation start as you're offering at the beginning. That is such good advice to just show more diversity

in what you're actually like when you're like with your friends and what you enjoy doing. And also know when to put apps down. Because if I'm feeling really insecure or really anxious, I can feel myself going on there to get validation or to like have a bit of interaction or something. And that's not the way that I want to be making connections. Like if I'm not feeling good in myself, I need to call a friend or go for a walk or read a fucking book or have a bath.

It's kind of knowing when an app is being your friend and when actually you're using it in a way that doesn't feel as healthy. Sam's getting likes on Instagram, I assume. Yeah, it's just that mindless scrolling, like whatever it is. Because also dating apps are a form of social media. And so if we're being critical about dating apps, we also need to carry that criticism onto the other ways that we interact online

and knowing when to switch off, being able to have other connections in real life. Touch some grass, kids. For sure, because the validation from strangers is not going to do any good, is it really? What's that going to achieve? And it's so human to fall into that. Like, I do that still, and then I have to be like, no, come on, Ruby, let's wind that back.

That's not what we're here for. Right, we've done a lot today. Thank you so much, Ruby, for looking at my profile, because that has helped. I think, I don't know, I get shy showing my close, close friends, but just showing you. I've definitely got so much information to take away. Changing pictures up, showing more of the personality. And I think everyone at home, if you've got friends you can trust, do the same because

it is so helpful. Because I think I'm projecting something and then what you see is completely different. Well and also like our mates are the people who can hype us up the most. It's really nice, I felt so weird showing you mine but it is really helpful to like just get that sounding boards and have people in your life who are like cheerleaders for you because we're often dicks to ourselves and we're like really critical and then our mates would never treat us like that. Exactly and they know like the authentic you that you're trying to get across but maybe you not necessarily in the right ways so it's great to just steer it a bit. Yeah for sure.

Pleasure babe anytime. We are going to do an episode quite soon sharing lots of your stories, questions, all of that stuff. So please get in touch. We want to hear all your weird little bits. Yeah. You know how busy I am. I love to know all the goss. So make sure you email us all your sex questions, dilemmas, and fun stories to hello at ins and outs pod.com. We will see you next week. Yeah see you next week. Why did I sound like it was a question? We will!