The Ins and Outs with Ruby and Megan - Self-love slob

Episode Date: December 12, 2024

Stress can be a b**ch for us and our sex lives. Ruby and Meg share what happens to their sexual desire when they’re stressed, Ruby reveals the science behind stress and they both share their tips for how to deal with stress impacting your sex life. Meg also petitions for a national holiday where only hibernation and self-love slobbing is allowed. Sounds great, no?!Email the podcast: [e-mail] Ruby on socials: @rubyrare Follow Megan on socials @meganbartonhanson_The Ins and Outs with Ruby and Megan is a Mags Creative and Dear Media production Producer and Content Editor for Mags Creative: Christy Callaway-GaleEditor and Engineer: Beautiful Strangers, Podcast HouseExecutive Producers for Mags Creative: Faith Russell and Kit MilsomThis podcast contains adult themes that are not suitable for children. Listener caution is advised. If you’ve been affected by anything raised in this episode and want extra support, we encourage you to reach out to your general practitioner or an accredited professional. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I'm Lauren and I'm Ashley and this guys is Nip Tuck Pod. We are your girl chat. We say the things you want to hear, the things that you're thinking but you don't want to say out loud and we're all about being strong aspirational women who basically don't give a... Lauren anyway if you want unfiltered chat, amazing beauty and product recommendations then look no further guys. This is the podcast where you will get all of the girly chat. The following podcast is a Dear Media production.

Or maybe just like a free day holiday, like self-love, mini hibernation day. Where you're like not allowed to do anything. You're like, no, no, it's not a day off where you're like, oh, I can actually do my washing and pick this up and da, da, da, da, da. It's like, no, no, lay down and stay there. Self-love and slob only.

If anyone moves. Self-love, slob, self-love, slob. I love that so much. Hey everyone, you are tuning into the ins and outs with me, Ruby Rare. And me, Megan Barton-Hanson. I'm a bit distracted because I have to tell you something that is a wild fact that I found out about yesterday and it's been like I have not

been able to stop thinking about this. Oh my god please share. I'm a little nerd for weird body shit I just think it's fascinating. Yeah. Do you know what an eptopic pregnancy is? Not really. It's okay to not know as well. An eptopic pregnancy is when an egg is fertilised but it doesn't end up in the uterus, so most often it's in the fallopian tubes, one of them, which is like the little tube that connects the ovaries to the uterus. So it's quite dangerous when that happens and there's like a surgery that needs to happen to remove the fallopian tube

It can be really dangerous to like the pregnant person But if you have an eptopic pregnancy and you have a fallopian tube removed Yeah, your body still produces eggs from both ovaries and your one remaining fallopian tube moves around inside your body Collect collecting the eggs from both sides. Stop. No. What the fuck is going on in our bodies? That is some science fiction shit. That is incredible that that happens. Wait, it detaches itself and then like goes over to that one.

So technically the fallopian tubes aren't like fully fully attached to the ovaries. They're like hovering. So but like, can you imagine? There's just there'd be something swimming around it. It's like a windscreen wiper. Oh my god, that's crazy. But how smart? I love that.

The human body is an amazing, beautiful thing and it surprises me every day. But yesterday it surprised me more than I was expecting. I'm taking I'm going to tell friends that, like I'm so smart. I'm sorry, I feel like there was other things we could have spoken about at the top of this, but I just had, like I was stomping here going, Megan needs to know, like the world needs to know who they're seeing. No, that is truly fascinating. Well.

Wow. Here for all of your weird medical related facts whenever you need them. We've not even been here five minutes, you've taught me something new already. This is why I love you Ruby. Thanks Dave. Okay, I feel like I've derailed enough of my weird medical facts. What are we talking about today, Megan? So today we're talking about the ins and outs of

sex and stress. Yay stress! Stress with jazz hands makes it better. I'm really glad that we're talking about this because it's maybe less immediately like eye-catching and like oh this is really juicy but this is such an important thing to talk about our mental state in relation to sex. For sure, and de-stigmatize it. So I think there is a pressure to have sex when you're in a relationship. You don't wanna be like that partner that's like not into it as much.

I feel personally, I'm like, I need to be like there for my partner and not be selfish. But sometimes when you're going through stress, personally for me, the last thing I'm thinking about is being sexual. Yeah. I'm like, I just want to like get today over with, get back, snuggle on the sofa and just like hibernate.

So I'm sure it's like very relevant for so many people. And like you say, it's not spoken about enough. Yeah, I feel like it can add a real pressure onto, if you're already stressed or up against it, then thinking about being sexual just adds like a whole other layer, which we find really hard to remove. I find it really difficult in myself and talking to other people of giving the option of like, what if sex could just not be on the cards right now? And that not be it like being a failure

or something going wrong, like it just that being where you're at in that time. So has this happened to you in like past relationships before where we're actually like your headspace has just got in the way of sex being something that feels stressful in the relationship itself? Yeah, for sure. Like it felt almost like a chore, but also, like, on myself, it's really

hard to explain, but not even for my partner. For me, I was like, I'm so stressed out at work, I'm feeling down, I'm just not feeling myself. And for me, sex has always been such a big part of my life and something I've really enjoyed. So when I'm so down that I'm not enjoying it just so, like, even solo, like sex, masturbation, I'm not down that I'm not enjoying it just so like even solo like sex masturbation I'm not into that I get annoyed at myself and then I'm like what I want to I want to enjoy it So I'll do it but it's like at the beginning. It's a chore and then after it's done. I'm like come well That was good. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, it's kind of not hitting the same as it would have felt happy But I think in past relationships. I am quite open so I'll just be be direct, I'm like, no, I'm just, I'm too stressed.

I'm not feeling it. But it's hard. And I think the worst was when I was on antidepressants. I don't know if you've heard this a lot, but as a side effect of one of the antidepressants I was on, I just felt like nothing, like numb every day. I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad, but equally that took away my sex drive. And then when I did finally get in the mood, I didn't know maybe I had like a really cute moment

with my partner or we was just really close that day. I would want to, but I could just never climax. And I was just like, bro, I'm on these tablets because life's shit. Let's not take away my only pleasure in life, which was fucking. I've heard that so much. I've been on anti-anxiety medication for a really long time and that doesn't have the

same kind of side effects, but friends of mine who have been on different antidepressants, I think that's something that's really floored them, even when they've known to expect it. Because I think nowadays it's spoken about a bit more as a side effect. It's still weird and feels like this thing, I don't know how it felt like for you, but almost like something being taken away from you. Yeah. Which is, which is weird. And as you're saying, like, especially when you're up against it, for whatever reason, to then lose something that can be really important to you, it's a head fuck.

It really was hard. But I think even without the antidepressants, I think a lot of people just with stress itself, they just lose their like, mojo. Do you hear that a lot? Well, there is like, there's a sort of science-y side to this that can be really helpful to actually understand what our bodies are going through when we're stressed. And obviously stress can come up in our lives for so many different reasons, and it can be really specific and just about something that's happening in our immediate life. It can also be cumulative, if we're experiencing longer term burnout, which is something I've massively struggled with in the past of just not even realizing that I'm just constantly pushing myself that bit too much.

I think sadly that gets normalized for most of us. That's just like an expected way of being. And turns out it's not like rest is really important. It's saying no, it's really important. But when our bodies are under high levels of stress, the body like actually responds to it. It goes into a fight or flight mode, certain hormones, cortisol in particular, spikes up, which is just about protecting ourselves.

What do we need right now? And it kind of focuses us into the immediate essential needs. And often we talk about sex as a drive. I tend to use more of the phrase sexual desire because a drive is I tend to use the more of the phrase like sexual desire because a drive is something that like physically we need in our lives, like a drive to breathe, sleep, eat, all of that stuff. Right.

And there is definitely, you know, we have drives pushing us towards sex, but it doesn't work in quite the same way. There's also like a want and a curiosity and we can step away from it and some people are just not sexual at all, all of that stuff. So when we're really under stress, a lot of the kind of nice stuff in our lives shut down and pleasure just doesn't feel like it's an easier thing to access because we're like, right, what have I got to focus on? Let's just hone in on this. And so when I'm really up against it, it's good to remember that. So it's less like, oh no, this is me. I'm just being a shit person. It's like, no, my body's literally reprioritizing

and going like, come on Ruby, maybe now's not the time for shag. Let's just focus on this. Yeah, no, that makes so much sense. And I think that really would alleviate so much pressure off people thinking, oh God, so on top of all this other stress, now I've lost my sex drive. It's like, no, your body is going into a state of like survival and we've got all that cortisol like running around your body.

Yeah. It's just trying to like get through the day and keep you safe. It's not thinking, oh, who should we shag tonight? And it's a weird thing when like we think we're talking about it in that way, but what we might be getting stressed about is like answering emails or you know like... But it's all relative I think. It really is like we're so... well I'm saying we, I am so good at downplaying the moments where I'm struggling and like give making myself feel shit about them because it's like not a good enough reason or it's like not serious enough. And actually whatever we're up against in our lives, it deserves care and attention and

it will sometimes it literally takes my body like telling me to stop if that's like suddenly feeling really ill or just being like wow my sexual desire has just completely shut down. That's a sign that something else is going wrong that I need to look at and care about. Sex is all the stuff that leads up to those moments as well and it's about our mental state and physical state and the politics around us and all of that kind of stuff. It's not just this thing that exists in isolation basically. Yeah of course your day to day is going to have an impact and especially if you're then beating yourself up for being down because like I shouldn't be down because this're like, I shouldn't be down because this isn't big enough problem to be down.

Like, do you know what I mean? It's all stacking, stacking, stacking. So of course, sex is gonna be the least of your worries at that point. Yeah, we've spoken a lot in this about like the moments where sex just gets shut down. Like for me, I think the biggest moments that I've experienced that have been

around grief and how that's kind of grief, whether that's like grief of loss of someone, or also like other forms of grief in our lives about like big changes and stuff. I find that I go either to extremes, either I'm like, absolutely no, sex does not exist in my body, like I'm just not interested, or I'll go the other way, and actually sex will become something that I kind of cling to a bit to make me feel sane, to like remember that I'm alive and I have a body, and like almost using it a bit as a sort of like

pressure valve, so I get a bit of release and There's never a middle ground. It's either I'm really up against it. I want to have sex all the time or I want to have sex absolutely not at all And I don't want to think about it. Is that the same for you? I guess I have gone through phases. I've never really thought about it like that but I guess maybe not stress maybe more for me, it's like a Breakup because I don't want to feel the feelings of missing that person because I stress, maybe more for me it's like a breakup because I don't want to feel the feelings of missing that person because I knew they were bad for me. I'm not

even going to like take a minute to miss them. I'm like, right, who are you texting next? Get someone right. So in that way, I guess. Or if I've been stressed, I know sometimes I said I wouldn't even be like sexual whatsoever. But other times in order to sleep, it almost got to a habit. I couldn't fall asleep without masturbating. And I was like Meg this isn't sane what am I going to do if my friends stay over and they're just like it's you're right up there like what's she up to? Coming down all sweaty for a glass of water they'll be like have you been in cardio up there? You know what though all hail the efficiency wank. Like if that's what you need to get

to sleep I think that's a really good reason to have a wank. Do you think? Yeah that was me last night. I was like okay I'm actually feeling quite there was just like a lot in my mind and I'm trying to be much better at like not looking at my phone loads before I go to bed and it worked like it's I don't think that's a bad reason to be interested in sex good I'm gonna run with that one because I did think maybe I'm forming like a bad habit I'm very like you said like all or nothing with not just like sex but just everything in life if I'm going to run with that one because I did think maybe I'm forming like a bad habit. I'm very like you said, like all or nothing with not just like sex, but just everything in life. If I'm working, I want to work so hard. If I'm going to the gym, I'm going to be like the fitness guru. Just short periods, but everything in extremely short periods.

Probably ADHD, who knows. I was going to say it's like, okay, that's a little bit ADHD bunny. But yeah, I'm not going to beat myself up now if I get into a little phase of just wanking every day before I go to bed. Who cares? If you're stressed, it's also about how you're releasing that stress. Because for me, like, if I'm feeling a lot of stress, I will try to control everything. That's like a response of mine of just being like, oh, even if it's stuff that like, obviously I'm not able to control my, I spend so much time and energy trying to do that. And I can see that it's like not a helpful thing for me. Yeah. And the thing that breaks that cycle is something that like literally shakes it out of me. And that can be like exercise or because I'm a

little cold swimming wanker, like jumping in the sea when it's really cold or having a massive cry or having a wank and an orgasm or sex. Like all of those things do something similar in my body where they're kind of like there's a crescendo, there's a release, I come down and maybe things don't feel quite so stressful as they did before. Yeah that's such a lovely way of putting it because with all of them things there is something so we wouldn't be like oh because you've got being a what did you call it like cold water therapy wanker because you're doing that like people wouldn't look at that and be like okay that's how she deals with stress but because you say masturbation I was like okay yeah it's weird we need to get rid of that whole stigma but I'm interested to find out like when you said you was going through the phase where you was using sex as like stress relief

and doing it a lot, what time was that for you? Like, do you remember what you was going for at the time? I think it's come after big breakups in the past, for sure. Like, after that initial really like, cut up, heartbroken stage. And a lot of that is around like chasing intimacy and like sensuality as much as it is just about sex, but wanting to have a moment where I just feel very in my body and less in my head. And then also with work stuff. Like, how do you find this? Because both of our jobs relate to sex.

Yep. And so there's also a weird thing in my brain when if I'm not feeling sexual because it's also part of my job and I feel like I should be representing that in my personal life and my professional life, if I'm not as interested, it makes me feel like a professional failure, as well as like a failure in myself. Oh, you need to give yourself a break, honestly, girl. But I get it, probably more so for you,

because obviously OnlyFans is the only sexual thing I do. And to be honest, I look at that, people are coming there for a service, that's the sexy Megan. It's kind of like a persona. And then I'd kind of And you're working there. That is very, you're like literally clocking in to work.

Yeah. And I guess it's same for you though. Like when you go and do your like sex ed talks and things, that's like work Ruby. How you're having sex in your personal life is up to you. Yeah. I really try and make a distinction between, I guess it's also helpful because my surname's not rare, surprise, surprise, some people really think that it is. Such a sick name if it was.

But like, I try to think of myself a bit like Hannah Montana of like separate Miley Cyrus, Hannah Montana of being like okay this is like professional Ruby who knows a lot about sex and relationships and is like knowledgeable and curious and then actually like when I'm not that Ruby there's so much crossover which is the thing that's difficult but being like I am allowed to be a hot mess and not feel sexy and be a bit all over the place and not want to do this. And I know that in my head and it's been like for years I've been kind of grappling with that but actually feeling it and believing it I find much harder.

Yeah, I get it. I can relate so, so much. Yeah. But yeah, you should be hard on yourself about that. I feel like I'm being... I am quite hard on myself a lot of the time. I don't know how you feel. Like, I'm just trying to be a bit more honest about this stuff. Yeah, and I think it's so nice that you are being so, like, open because I've definitely, definitely felt that so many times. And I think, especially in, like, the press, they've made me out to be like this overtly sexual man eater.

So I think when people meet me, do I need to put on that performance that I am? And it's really held me back in like so many ways. Like when I go on dates, people want to speak about sex on the first date. That's not me. That's not my whole encompassed like personality as part of me. And I feel like you need to give yourself a bit of grace and think like, yes, it's my job. Yes, I love it at certain times, but I'm also human. There's gonna be days where I'm not that into it. We don't need to, we don't know anyone that,

do you know what I mean? Yeah, it is like, ultimately our relationship with sex and sexual desire is first and foremost a really personal thing. And it's tricky when then it becomes so much about the way that we interact with other people sexually. But I really like the way that you described that of it being like up to you, how much you bring of that into your day to day life or with different people. I'm still so surprised that people sexualize you that much in like dating environments.

Because it's one thing it being press stuff, that's bullshit in itself. But when someone actually just meets you first and foremost,, that's bullshit in itself, but when someone actually just meets you first and foremost, that that's just where they go to straight away. I know, it's very irritating because I could kind of like try and vet people before as well to check that they're not just like trying to get just that. So it's irritating and I like say all these like routine things like, oh, you might look at my Instagram, but it's not actually like what I'm like per se because a lot of it

99% is like bikini pictures. Well you're walking around in a bikini all the time right? Every day. Literally with my stained tracksuit on at home like hair not brushed in a couple days. But then it's ludicrous for that to be like the way that people read you 24-7. Yeah, and the same for you, I guess. I have a much scruffier persona online and offline. I think I'm all right. But in regards to the sexuality of it all, you are like a wealth of knowledge. I could chat to you for hours and hours and just learn so much, but that's just part of

you. Do you get it when you hang out with friends maybe they just want to ask you all these questions and facts on sex you're like okay guys let's just have general chat now. I think with my mates because I've been in this field for almost 10 years now like I think I've had a lot of those chats early on with lots of friends and there's always other stuff that we want to talk about. I think when I moved out of London it was really helpful because a lot of the friendships I made there had nothing to do with our work. I was mates with people for like six months

and then would turn around and be like, sorry, wait, what do you do for a job? And how amazing it was to like not have that as a connection at all. If I'm like at sex positive events, those are the moments where I can go into my brain and overthink more than like anyone else in that room is overthinking because honestly, most of the time, I think people

do not give a fuck about anyone like everyone's it so in their own heads that no one's like thinking about me or you in the way that we might perceive it to be. But yeah, they're the moments where I'm like, like, I have to know everything and be under all of that stuff. So I didn't think that we'd be talking about that in this episode, but I guess that's where I can feel quite stressed about how I relate to sex. I think it all plays into it because it is such a big part of like our public persona, I guess, is sex that we just feel we feel like in our jobs, we have to be constantly like focused on sex or talk about sex or know all the answers about sex or at

home we should be having sex like a million times a day. We need to take the pressure off of ourselves. But this is just part of our personality. And like that is a very key part of who we are. But at the same time, we are allowed to not have to carry that wholeheartedly all the time every day. And part of that is moments of being like, I'm actually just going to put this down right now because I want to not think about sex at all for the next little bit. And that could be a day, that could be months, that could be years, like that should all be allowed. Yeah, it's so, so true. And I think what you just touched on there, like the shame element,

that definitely does play into it why I'm more beating myself up and probably you are for not feeling sexual on certain days because we've had to prove to everyone else this is normal, this is healthy, this isn't, it shouldn't be taboo. The days that you actually deep in your heart you couldn't think of anything less than sex, you're like oh god am I a fraud? A sexual fraud. Yeah I get that, I really do. Also, just going back to like, even stress without sex at all. Like, stress is such a fucking bitch in our lives. Literally. Arsehole. We can use a genderless insult. Like, the way that it takes over and the way,

and even the way that we're saying this in this conversation, I'm aware of how much I downplay stress and what it does to me. And actually it like has a massive impact in my life. And I don't give it enough time. I don't give myself enough time to like really unpack it and look after myself within it. And then I think I can see that a lot in my loved ones and other people that I work with. I've just not like like almost being so stressed that you don't, that to look at the stress feels too stressful to do. No, I can relate. I get it so much and I think so many people will because you're just like, well, if I sit down and think about the stress, that's another thing.

We just keep on going, keep on going. We all need to stop a little bit. A bit of self-love is what we all need. Minus the plague that was terrible. I think we need another lockdown. Like if we could have that and it has nothing to do with any like global terrible disasters, actually just a bit of time to reset would be great. Maybe I'm just talking about hibernating.

We're coming into winter. Maybe we just need to hibernate. I'd really like that. I would love that. I'm right behind you. If you're going into winter. Maybe we just need to hibernate. I'd really like that. I would love that. I'm right behind you if you're going to start that movement. Or maybe just like a free day holiday, like self-love, mini hibernation day. Where you're like not allowed to do anything. You're like, no, no, it's not a day off where

you're like, oh, I can actually do my washing and pick this up and da, da, da, da, da. It's like, no, no, lay down and stay there. Self-love and slob only. If anyone moves. Self love and slob. Self love and slob. I love that so much. Self love and slob baby. Okay petition for making a star as a national holiday. I'm down. I'm gonna back you. It needs to happen. So now I've got a national holiday. We've got some tips haven't we for people how to deal with stress and the relationships and sex lives. So should we jump in?

Yeah, do you want to kick off? I want to hear yours. So I feel like for me, it's not all getting straight to the sex for me. I feel like as much as when I'm highly stressed, the last thing I'm doing is thinking about sex. I still want that connection with my partner and like that intimacy still. So I think maybe for me it's like if my partner was like, Oh, let me give you a massage, babe. That would like set the mood. So I think if you're highly stressed, maybe just switch it up a bit or like do things that are going to make you connect with your partner in a non-sexual way.

Yeah, for sure. I really like the idea. A lot of like relationship therapists will say this if couples are coming in and there's like a real struggle around sexual desire or connection of actually telling them to take sex off the cards, just be like for the next bit, the next couple of months, like sex isn't allowed, obviously, if you then want to and ends up happening, it's not like a bad thing. Yeah. But taking the pressure off of having sex, but instead focusing on sensuality, intimacy, other forms of connection, which I think are so undervalued. And it's really nice to hear that as a priority that you're bringing to this. Because I don't speak to that many people who have that awareness that that's maybe what they're needing if they're stressed more than like the actual physical like bodies

smashing together, which can also be a really lovely thing and like a great, you know, release connection, all that stuff. Yeah. But yeah, all of this for me just starts off with communicating, which sounds really basic. But when I think when we are stressed, a lot can go unsaid, or we can pick up on cues or misinterpret things in different ways or like whatever it is, there's just like that extra element where you and your partner or partners, there's more room for like, scritchy feelings. And trying to deescalate that by just communicating and being like, hey, I'm all over the place right now. I'm not doing great. And this is impacting the way that I feel sexual in myself. Just being able to name that feels really important. So you're not again, like piling on different elements of stress on top of the other basically. Exactly and I guess it will alleviate stress from yourself because you've said it out loud and I think half of the battle for me is like admitting to myself how stressed I am because

I see it as a weakness but once you've told your partner it's going to alleviate their stress like oh okay that's why she's so like touchy or whatever, or like doesn't want to come near me. It's not like a them issue. It's like because we're stressed and then you've admitted it to yourself. So that's going to alleviate two avenues of stress that you don't need to have. Yeah. I think that's great. And being able to say that also to like mates and other people in your life. I mean, we probably might do as oversharers, but being like, you don't have to say I'm stressed and it's impacting my sex life. Just being honest about like, you're being really stressed and that impacting your life in general, even that can like take a bit of the weight off. Cause probably you'll say that to people and they'll end up feeling similarly. And you can remember that you're like, not alone in

this and that these moments ebb and flow and pass, like you're not going to feel like this absolutely forever. Should also maybe do like the grown up thing of if actually your stress is feeling next level and really impacting your life. I'm glad you're listening to this podcast, but also maybe there's some professional people who will be really helpful to speak to, like going to your GP, accessing therapy, if that's something that you are able to do. Like we've got a lot of answers, but we are also two tits on the internet. Well, four.

Maybe six actually, you're packing a lot of heat. Me trying to be really serious and then being like, ha, no, no, no. Oh, I have something that I want to share that I thought you might find interesting. Which is like, actually studies around how often people in the UK have sex. Oh my God, please share.

I want to know your thoughts beforehand. Like on average, how often do you think people in the UK are banging? Like per month? Not that I really want to get this right or anything, but is it different from single people to people in relationships or just general? I think this is just general.

It's basically NATSAL, which is the National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles. I can never remember that, which is why it's written down. They do these like massive UK studies, is it every decade maybe? But the most recent one is a couple years old, but that's where this research comes from. So it's not like specific, just whole nation. Okay. And I was saying like how many times in a week or just a month? Okay. I reckon 20, 22? No,

20. 20 days out of the month because there's's 28 days in the like, the shortest month, right? Yeah. So 20. Wow, Megan. Can I ask, is that without it getting, well, as personal as you want it to, is that related to how often you're having sex or like how much you'd like to have sex or your expectation of actually what's happening? She's been a single girl for a long time, I think that's my expectation if I'm meeting someone.

I'm also not saying that in a way that's shamey in any way but like whenever I speak to people it always varies but like people always say higher than what studies suggest which is around three times a month. No. Yeah. I get like maybe I've not had a long-term relationship maybe. What? It's like, where is this? Yeah, in the UK, the average person has sex a little less than once a week or about three times per month.

Like. Maybe I'm thinking when I had like long-term relationships, I was about 18, 19. So maybe it was just novel two back then. But also that's a great thing. This is an average, within that average there's going to be people who have sex loads more and people who have sex loads less. There's no like better or worse. I also, there's also some arguments to be made of like why are we chasing this

average because that shouldn't tell us it's more about what's normal to us than what's normal as like a nation. But I say it because a stressor that I hear lots of people kind of gravitating towards is how often they should be having sex, like should in big massive air quotes, because I don't think should exist with our sex lives. Knowing that that is the UK average, I think can kind of make people feel less panicked that they're not having sex enough. Yeah, because it is way less than most people think. Of course. Yeah. And also, if that to you feels like loads, if you're listening, that's also okay. There's no like right or wrong way to do this. If you're recognising that actually you're having sex less than you would like to, or more than you would like to, you can do things to change that. But it's not about we don't all need to be shagging three times a month. That's not the rules.

At least that, like you say, takes pressure off people. Because I have seen like different TV shows or just like groups of girls and they're like, oh my god, what you shag this many times a week. It's like a competition of who can do it the most. And is it, I think in Sex and the City, there was that like three times a God, what you shagged this many times a week. I shagged like, it's like a competition of who can do it the most. And is it, I think in Sex and the City, there was that like three times a week, like that's the thing that you should strive for kind of thing. And again, just like the bullshit pressure

that puts on ourselves when you're entering sex, if it's like solo sex or having sex with partner, if you're entering that, like taking a box of being like, okay, great, I've like done the correct amount of sex this week. Yeah, like we don't want it to feel like that. I would rather, I don't know how you feel, but I'd rather have two sessions of sex with my guy

and they last hours and we'd be like into it and it's passionate and it's hot, rather than thinking, oh, should we fuck again? We've only got hit, reached two times this week. You've not filled our quota. Yeah, like what? That's crazy. Yeah, and it's also about the

way that you're showing up into these situations. So you know we all have sex for like different reasons, different times. I'm not trying to say that like every time needs to be this explosive fireworks, rose petals, like all of that. But for me a big indicator of if I should be having, again why am I doing the shoulds? It's because they're in my mind now. A big indicator of if I want to have sex is if I'm feeling present and embodied in myself. And if I'm not, there are ways that I can get to that. But it's also really nice to go like, oh, I'm actually just not feeling like that right now. So maybe let's just not push it. And I'd imagine that would feel so empowering to be like, no, I'm just not feeling it today

rather than like just going with it, which I feel a lot of people feel like they have to. For sure. I would be curious to speak to some men about this as well, because I think that sexual desire is much more universal across genders than we make it out to be. But there is still a socialised expectation that like, men should always be ready to have sex and always horny. And I wonder if, like from our experiences, there's maybe even less stigma of being like, oh, I actually just don't want to do it right now. Like if there's more shame from a man's perspective in not being sexual. So yeah, I reckon so.

So I feel like we got really into it today and I feel like you taught me so much, especially about the cortisol thing, that it's not my problem why I'm not feeling horny. It's my body doing its thing. It's taking care of stress. So hopefully that will teach us not to be so hard on ourselves when we're not feeling that intimate, I guess. Yeah. What have you learned? What do you say from this episode? It makes a real difference, someone you care about being like, babe, be nicer to yourself.

Like that's, I don't think I'm very good at saying that to myself and actually hearing it from you is really nice and maybe I just need to like hear that from people more often. All of this stuff, obviously stress impacting your sex life is not a fun thing for anyone, but it's also a bit of an inevitability and just being a bit less of a dick to yourself in those moments. For sure, yeah. And I think your vulnerability will really help people like open up to their friends. It doesn't have to be like stress relating to sex, but just any stress in your life. We should be more vulnerable and open. Yeah for sure. Well thank you. I feel like this one's

been a bit sciencey mini therapy session. It's been good though, it's been needed. I've really liked it. Thank you very much. As always babe it's a pleasure chatting to you. Thank you for sharing. Yay. And thank you everyone for listening. We hope that you enjoyed. And if this episode resonated listening. We hope that you enjoyed. And if this episode resonated with any of you guys, please get in touch. We want to hear your stories, sex conundrums, and yeah, we can't wait to hear from you. And in a slightly cheekier way, we do want to do an episode soon, which is just about all of your wild stories. So if you wouldn't mind indulging us.

I feel like now enough, we've shared, overshared, a lot so far, and that's only going to continue. So the invitation is for you to overshare as well. You can get in touch with us. Our email address is hello at ins and outs pod.com. I can't wait to hear your weird and wild stories. We'll be back next week with a new episode of the Inns and Outs. Bye.

Mwah. Bye. We'll be back next week with a new episode of the Inns and Outs. Bye! Mwah! Bye!