The Ins and Outs with Ruby and Megan - When you bump into a relative at a sex party…

Episode Date: January 30, 2025

Wondering if a sex party is for you? Ruby and Meg chat to Logan Star who has been in the sex party and play party space for eight years. Logan created the organisation Little Black Book, which used to run sex parties and now supports people who want to set up their own play parties.Ruby, Meg and Logan get to the bottom of the difference between a sex party, a play party and a fetish party. They talk about what happens at these parties and how consent and aftercare works. They also speak about how to find parties like these, in the first place! As well as sharing some stories of their own…Email the podcast: [e-mail] Ruby on socials: @rubyrare Follow Megan on socials @meganbartonhanson_Follow Logan on socials @iamloganstarFollow Little Black Book on socials @littleblackbookpartyLogan’s recommendations:Ethically Non Monogamous Fam London: @enmfamlondon ENM Fam calendar: https://teamup.com/ks2ujdfgkxiyjmkhf1Logan recommendations of sex parties:1. Quench https://www.quenchlondon.co.uk/ https://www.instagram.com/quench_london?igsh=MXNnaDFubnMxNXE3Nw== 2. Riot Partyhttps://riotparty.co.uk/ https://www.instagram.com/riotpartyuk?igsh=d2pqNnp3M3hxbHZo 3. Dominium Vitahttps://dominiumvita.com/ https://www.instagram.com/dominiumvitaevents?igsh=MXhzb3h6bXVjZHd3NQ== 4. One Night Partieshttps://www.onenightparties.com/ https://www.instagram.com/onenightparties?igsh=MTN5c2NmejhvNTdvdg== 5. Scenehttps://www.sceneldn.uk/https://www.instagram.com/sceneldn?igsh=eWYzczMwaXR6MHc5 6. Pinky Promisehttps://www.pinkypromiseland.co.uk/ https://www.instagram.com/pinkypromise.world?igsh=eTFhdjZ5c3Rxejly 7. Lucidhttps://www.instagram.com/lucid_sober_events?igsh=MTJkYTI1ejRoMzNnYQ== The Ins and Outs with Ruby and Megan is a Mags Creative and Dear Media production Producer and Content Editor for Mags Creative: Christy Callaway-GaleEditor and Engineer: Beautiful Strangers, Podcast HouseExecutive Producers for Mags Creative: Faith Russell and Kit MilsomThis podcast contains adult themes that are not suitable for children. Listener caution is advised. If you’ve been affected by anything raised in this episode and want extra support, we encourage you to reach out to your general practitioner or an accredited professional. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I'm Lauren and I'm Ashley and this guys is Nip Tuck Pod. We are your girl chat. We say the things you want to hear, the things that you're thinking but you don't want to say out loud and we're all about being strong aspirational women who basically don't give a... Lauren anyway if you want unfiltered chat, amazing beauty and product recommendations then look no further guys. This is the podcast where you will get all of the girly chat. The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Went to a party, it wasn't mine. Going downstairs, I see a woman that I used to have a crush

on come out of this playroom and she's like completely disheveled, in a good way. And then I hear this voice and I'm like, I know that voice but I don't know how I know that voice. And out walks my brother. No way. Hey babes, you're listening to The Inns and Outs with me, Ruby Rear. And me, Megan Barton Hanson. Today we are talking about the ins and outs of... Sex parties! Sex parties!

Woohoo! Have you dabbled before? I have, not very many. I feel like I've been to two or three in my lifetime. But I feel like this was all pre Love Island and I was always like, oh is it too bait if I go now but kind of want to like dip my toe in a little bit so I feel like this is a good episode to have right now. Okay so this might be you mentally preparing for them.

How many have you been to? I've been to like a fair few over the years. I think probably people think I've been, I go to them more than I actually do. I'm not particularly well known but then like of the people who would recognise me, they're the people who are going to sex parties. I've been at them before and like been in the queue for the toilet and then someone's come up and been like oh I really like your work and like wanted to chat to me about that stuff and it's like that's so lovely., I'm about to get railed. And now that I know that you know me, that makes me feel kind of weird. I don't know.

So yeah, I do go to them every once in a while. We are speaking to the wonderful Logan today who has been in the sex party world for years, long time. Eight years. And we're calling on you to be an expert in this episode please. Okay, I'll share what I've got. But first of all, hello, how are you and would you like to introduce yourself a little bit? I'm good, thank you for asking.

I'm Logan, pronouns are he, him. How do I introduce myself? I think what's really important is like raised by black lesbian feminists that kind of gives a lot of context in terms of my politics and the space that I take up in the world. Very queer, very poly, and know a lot about sex parties apparently. So yeah, that's me. We'll test you. Yeah, I like a quiz. I want to ask about the party that you set up, but before I'm aware, I don't know how,

if we're always using the right terminology and can you enlighten us a little bit? Because I, I say sex party and sometimes I say play party or like fetish party. So one of the ones I went to was torture garden and that's like more strict. I feel with like the dress code and you have to wear like latex or dress a certain way. So I just thought it was like a sex party or a fetish party. I would say a sex party, the intention is in the name, right? You're going there to have sex with someone. What that sex looks like is, you know, here and there. But I would say a sex party is similar to a swingers party. Swingers very much came from couples wanting to swap or be with other couples in a heteronormative way. Whereas I feel as though over the eight years, sex parties

have started to adopt more kink or fetish aspects as opposed to a fetish party, which is strictly like there is a certain dress code, there's performers. So I'd say a fetish party is very much about someone's fetish or their kink. So you could go there wearing latex, done up, dressed up, um, head, dresses and not have sex. That's not the purpose of it. Whereas a sex party is I want to get railed or railed someone. This is what I'm going to do, you know, with consent, et cetera, et cetera. Whereas a play party is a blend, I would say, of the two.

So when you hosted your own party, that was play, so a mix of both, like... When I started, sex parties. Okay. It was just everyone who was there was actually single, and that was it. Like, let's all go and have massive orgy or whatever the case may be. But then over time, as I changed, the parties changed as well, and my circles changed. So now I would say definitely like hybrid play parties rather than strictly sex or strictly kink.

And this was Little Black Book. That's it? That was, yeah. Which is, it's still happening or you don't do them anymore? It is still happening, but I wanted to transition more to consultation. So now I help people set up their own parties.

So a friend of mine, Heather, she set up Lucid, which is a play party strictly for sober people. There's so many people like in the scene in the community experiencing sobriety who want to still have that space where it's not about drugs and alcohol and all of that. So stuff like that. That's where Lil Babooka is going.

But I'm gonna start my own party again. I'll let you know. Exciting. This is exciting. But I'm gonna start my own party again. I'll let you know. Exciting. This is exciting. I hope you get the invite. Yeah, you're more than welcome. We'll do the smaller, more intimate one. That way you don't have to worry about people knowing you.

Or just put you in a gimp mask. Yeah, that could work. That could definitely work. Do you feel comfortable with that? If you want to, obviously. I mean, I'd be down. I think it might be a bit of a giveaway with my big fake giveaway of my big

fake arse and my big fake tits. Yeah I feel like I'm because I'm very tattooed in like a fairly recognisable way. That's again I'd have to go full head to toe and then I'm too sweaty for latex. To be fair I think depending on again what type of party you go to I've had the deepest connections and conversations with people that are on the scene or part of the community because our anonymity is very important. We know that people have children or work in profession. I know teachers, lawyers, doctors who just can't afford to have their work or someone else know about this side of their life. I'm also, I'm aware like anonymity isn't necessarily the goal with this because also you're in a space that requires vulnerability from everyone involved and like respect and care. So you just, you have to kind of, I guess, go with the trust that other

people are going to meet you with that as well. And I do think it's like a different environment. Like I said, I've only dipped my toe in, I'm not an expert. I've gone to like two or three, but I feel like from what I can relate it to, even going into like gay bars or like queer venues, I just think that atmosphere is different. When I go into like just a generic bar or club, I feel like there's more of like people like looking around judging you, like what bag you've got, what watch have you got,

who are you? Whereas in all these spaces, I feel like it sounds like there's such more of a community there. People aren't gonna go and be like, oh, you never guess what? I saw her down there. Do you know what I mean? It's like everyone's there for their experience and the whole community vibe rather than worrying who's there, which is nice and reassuring.

Once a year for one of my mate's birthdays, I will consent to go straight clubbing. And every time I leave and I'm like, never fucking again. That, what the fuck was going on in there? It's like apocalyptic. And it's so weird to be like, this is how you party? It feels deranged getting used to being in queer spaces and that being now my long-term norm of how I am in nightlife and how that connects to play spaces and other sort of subcultures. Not to say things don't go wrong and there aren't like arseholes and creeps who end up in all spaces, but it is completely different. When I went, like I said, only once or twice, but I did feel free, like I could just do

whatever. The first time I went, you're going to both laugh at me. I thought this guy was working there and it was his job to be a spanker. So he had this queue of women, like queuing up and he was just spanking them. And I was like, oh, I like that, let me get in line. I thought this was his job, bro. He was just there off his own back, but I just felt so comfortable. And it's like in these spaces,

you all know why you're going there. You're going to explore, play. And it just seems a bit calmer and a bit more relaxed and everyone respects each other a bit more in my head. Or is that not the case? No, I would say that's definitely the case. I don't want to make it out like it's a utopia. I've lost count of how many times I've had to ban people or have rehabilitation calls

with people because I don't think you mess up, you're out, that's it, done. Because then where's the growth, right? We have to believe that people can be better and learn But it's it's way better I've had friends come and especially Women or femme people like just have lingerie dancing. No one touches you. No one gropes you No one does the thing where they push past and then get a drink or whatever the case may be and like when you say no It's not and that's it. No is a full sentence. And like people being okay with that.

It's not perfect, but it's way better than straight coffee. I must say. One of the things I found really, and like me and like my friend have spoken about this since and like got really emotional about it, but we went to Joyride, which is like, I really like it as a play space because it's kind of like, it feels like a good party. They get like really good DJs. It can just be like a really good night out and then there's cheeky stuff smatters around. But we went there together on a date.

If we were in like another space, even if it was maybe a queer club, but like, especially in more mainstream straight places, I would not feel comfortable making out with her in that space because it would immediately be objectified and about the like pleasure of the men around us and would feel really unsafe. We had this really emotional, like it genuinely felt very healing time of being on this dance floor and making out for ages and like, you know, being much more physical than we would have been in another space. We weren't like fucking, fucking, but,

and the whole time, and like keeping breaking apart and being like, isn't it wild that like, no one is looking at us. Like no one gives a fuck, no one cares. Everyone can just see that we're like really into each other, we're not like shopping around. I'd never felt like that before and it felt very powerful to like sit in a high femme mode and it just be for like me and her. How lovely and refreshing.

That sounds quite healing. It was really healing and then it was super gay and she wrote a poem about it. I want to read that poem. That sounds quite healing. It was really healing. And then it was super gay and she wrote a poem about it. Oh! I wanna read that poem. I love this. I'll show it to you after. Okay, cool. Thank you.

It's really nice. How did you get into the sex party space? I went on a date with someone and they said, do you wanna go to a party? Didn't give any qualifying information, just said, it's just like a fancy adult party. Da da da da. I was like, cool.

Me being me at the time, I used to wear suits all the time. So I put on a three piece suit, went to Oxford Circus, and then went into this sauna where everyone's wearing masks. And I'm standing there in a three piece suit, which I didn't take off for the entire night. In a sauna?

In a sauna. Sweating out. Sweating everywhere. The woman that I was with, she got with like every woman that moved. And I was just sat on the sofa for like a good two, three hours. Stop and talk us through like how you felt. Was you intimidated? Was you turned on? Was you nervous? Like that's a lot to process.

Okay, totally nervous, totally intimidated. Often I was like, should I be here? Like, is this illegal? Like I didn't know what was allowed. Do you know what I mean? I thought about every movie I saw that had like a sex scene or like a cult sex party. And I was like, am I now in this?

Do they have my blood? What's happened? So yeah, that's what that was like. And I didn't play with anybody. Yeah. Yeah. The first time I went to a sex party, I was dating a couple and they took me to a party.

And like, it was fun, but very overwhelming to be in that kind of environment. And like the upstairs bit felt just like a normal party with like a bit more making out and people wearing like a bit less clothes, but it was kind of just like a queer club. And then the downstairs bit was where the like sex was happening. But if you went downstairs, you couldn't just like watch. You had to like get involved or keep on walking, basically. And so I I had this expectation

that I would go there and I'd walk down the stairs and everyone would stop and turn around and be like, oh my god, who's this majestic goddess, please. And obviously I walked down, it was super awkward, no one fucking noticed that someone was in there. And I kept like wandering down, peeping, and I kind of wanted to just look and see what was happening, but I had to keep walking and would go back up the stairs, and then 10 minutes later, it would be like, hey guys, what's going on? That was so awkward.

Did not touch another person that whole evening. Really, yeah. But yeah, it was humbling, and it feels a bit like being in a school canteen sometimes of being like, hey guys, like, can I sit with you? That is a great way of putting it. It's just a microcosm of the reality that we all need, to some extent.

If you had quite an intense, strange first experience, what made you go back again? Everyone was hot. I was just like, okay, clearly I need to do some like shadow work or something to like be present in this space. I want access to this. So I went back like four more times that year. Yeah.

Then it became a lot more fun. And did you feel like the second time? Right. I've sussed it out the first time. Let me go back. Not in the three piece suit. Second time was a lot better. Same venue. I knew what the deal was.

Brought flip flops this, because it was a sauna. Good thinking. No one thinks about stuff like that. Anyway, second time was a lot more active and I felt more comfortable. It wasn't the most diverse crowd, but people take that as negatives and positives, depending on where you stand.

So it was fun. Can we talk about that a bit more? Cause I kind of, I wanted to, like my perception of a sex party, a lot of my experience has been walking in and it being like an overwhelmingly white crowd. I'm mixed race, but like in a cheeky white passing way. So like if I'm in that space,

people will just read me as white, but I can be like, oh, this feels weird. Like why? And then mates and like partners of mine, there are certain places that they won't go because they'll be like, I don't want to be the only black or brown person there. It feels weird. How, like, I don't know how to phrase that as a question, but how has that felt for you?

That's really complex. Sorry, I know. I put loads on you. As in the feeling is complicated because I think we exist in a world where people are fetishized and we don't necessarily deal with like the moral aspect of that. Like I've dated women who only date black men and I was like, is this okay? Is this a problem? Do you like me for me? Et cetera, et cetera. And I think by being a person of color, to just use a casual phrase, you just exist being of color. There's no way to take that out of any interaction

you have with anyone ever. Now, when you add sex and desire onto that, I have black friends who are like, I'm gonna go to this party because I know that it's like tailored to that, or that's the theme, or I'm gonna be one of a few. And that's great because it means that you're getting all of this attention.

Whereas where I'm at is more... Just like me for me. We don't have to sit down and go through like our childhood. But at the amount of times I've been confused with another black guy on the scene is just like astronomical. Oh, that's so painful. Yeah, it's really strange.

But not everyone sees that as a problem. But I'm not gonna judge you for it. Like you do you, I do me. Yeah, I can see how it could be seen as an advantage, but also a really difficult thing if you are walking in and an assumption that a lot of people are making is like hypersexualizing you more than loads of other people who are in that space and like the pressure and

kind of weirdness that that puts on you. But at the same time not to diminish my experience but oh so and a man so a femme person or a woman being of color they're gonna have a completely different experience to to me so I I can I still have my agency to some extent more so than a woman would or a friend presenting person would or non-binary person would. So it's challenging, but I know someone else is dealing with way worse.

So I'd rather put my energy into like creating spaces for them to feel comfortable. You've been in the space for like eight years. Do you think people are getting a bit more like liberated with sex and sex parties? Have you felt like there's been more of an increase of like people coming and stuff like that? Astronomically, there's so many Netflix shows about bondage or BDSM or play parties in general. I feel as though it's becoming more acceptable. However, the type

of acceptable is quite important to say. So it's still very middle-class, white, non-disabled. It's still very much like a palatable type of representation. I feel as though if you see bigger bodies, especially people of colour or disabled bodies, like that is the reality of it. Like majority of the people I know look that way and they're all into very diverse things. I don't believe in gatekeeping, but I think that community should be filled with people who authentically want to be in those spaces, not who just want quick access to it because you bought a ticket and then you're going to bring all your fuckeries to this party and make someone else feel unsafe because you just wore the right thing and now you fit in.

I'm very much like these spaces should be for people from those communities who can find themselves. What advice would you give to people who haven't been in these spaces before? So someone who's new and like wants to dip their toe in, but also doesn't want to be the asshole if they like don't know the vibe or they're kind of feeling nervous. Like how, how do you bring yourself into those spaces with your vulnerabilities and not disrupt them negatively? Have a conversation with yourself about like, why do I want to be in this space? There are people that you're engaging with. They're not just like a commodity for you to have

like an experience. So have that conversation with yourself and then go to socials or munches. It's basically like we're all going to meet up in a pub or a bar and we're just going to chat. There's no play. There's no anything explicit and try and be sociable in meeting people in speaking to people. You're then able to... We all have anxiety to some level. We all have body issues. We all have like whatever the thing is that makes you feel like you're completely alien to this group. We all have that stuff. If we just share and open up a bit at a social, then you can then find like the right parties or private party. Get advice from someone who wants to help you with no benefit

to themselves. That makes so much sense. I want to go to one of these socials. I wish I'd done that before. Because one of my experience, I literally ran away out of the club. Basically I was seeing this guy, he was like super attractive, but you know when you're just not vibing like on a connection kind of level, like we didn't have anything in common. So I was like, it's not going to go anywhere. And I'd been invited, I think it was like killing kittens. I was like, this is going to be so sexy, it's going to be amazing, everyone's going to be hot. And literally, I was quite nervous and awkward. I must have been like 22. And I just was like, went really frigid and really like uptight. And I was

like, no, no, no, I can't do anything. I was just watching. And then another girl like dumb bits with him. And I just thought logistically, I don't, I can't do anything. I was just watching. And then another girl like dumb bits with him. And I just thought logistically, I don't know if I want that spit in my mouth. I haven't even said hello to her. Like I was just deepening the science of all this. I was like, actually I didn't say nothing. He was getting his dick sucked. I just went to the lockers, got my bag and ran for my life.

Are you okay? Baby. I was, I was such a baby, but my point is I feel like if I would have done this whole like social thing before, chatting to other girls that were going, other couples that were going, I would have felt less alone. Even if you can't go to socials and you don't have access to those spaces, just have a conversation with your partner. Obviously you didn't know at the time, but having a check in with them and being like,

I'm comfortable for this, but not this. Or if you wanna do that, just let me know, and then we can have a quick check-in. That's happened so many times where it's like, are you happy for this person to go down on me, da, da, da, da, da? Yeah, grand, well, no. And then you feel comfortable still.

Also in, when you're at these events, like I think the smoking areas play such a key role. Even like, I don't smoke But going into these spaces and just having like a bit of a breather and a check-in with the people that you're with but also like that's always where I start talking to other people and even if that's without the intention of being like Let's hook up. That's where I've made friendships. Let's just have a candy stick and just put it in my mouth out there I don't smoke either,

well I'm not anymore, but I agree. Yeah, I'm really obsessed with like the mundanities of these like heightened sexual spaces that you'll have like everyone in their sexy little outfits but really skimpy outside in a smoking area in November, freezing their tits off for being like actually really cold for having a nice time or like every private play party I've been to, everyone's really surprised that there's food, everyone brings a dish and there's like a little spread. And so you go help yourself and get some like olives and hummus. And like I've like been at private parties before where everyone sat down

and eaten first and like caught up and said hi, and then things have started happening. And then it gets to late in the evening. Like it just had a moment of being like, it's two in the morning, like I'm tired. I want more food. And so getting a plate of food and then sitting in the corner and like watching this scene of my friends.

A little blanket. Fucking around and being like, I'm just gonna have some really tasty food right now. That's iconic behavior. It's wholesome. But you, I, but is this, you have experienced this as well? 100%. Yeah, good, okay.

I've put on like nude dinner parties because I'm like, I wanna eat naked with a bunch of people. That sounds lovely. Yeah, but you've got to think about the bloating and stuff. That's the logistics. But no, for sure, I've definitely been there. Or I've been with someone in the corner, cuddled up watching my partner do a massive scene.

And the compersion, like the happiness of another partner is just like so nice and loving. Will you explain what compersion is? Compersion is, let's say we're in a relationship and it's an open or a poly relationship, and then you meet someone else, and then you will go on a date, or you experience something, and you're really happy about it.

I'm gonna be happy that you're happy, because you found happiness somewhere else, external to me and external to us. That's what that's for. That sounds beautiful. Did our favorite rom-coms we adored growing up totally warp our ideas around love, relationships, dating, and sex?

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Tune in now. Just type in Sex Ed with DB wherever you get your podcasts. So Logan, how would you say if people aren't going to do a me and run away from the venue completely and they decide to stay? How does consent work if you want to just like maybe watch or you do want to like get with someone? Talk to me about consent. So depending on the party, they have different rules. So you mentioned Joyride earlier. Joyride is similar to Quench in terms of whereism isn't allowed. So you can't be in the playroom and just sit there and watch someone else

play. Despite that's like 100% a kink or a fetish or however you want to identify it as, to not make other people feel uncomfortable, we don't allow people to just sit there. You can kind of like take a lap to see the space or what equipment you might want to use. But even that is a consensual thing, like everything. Even like when I walked in here and I was like, do you want a handshake or a hug? And I checked with everyone regardless of your gender because consent shows up in so many different ways. So it would be a case of very directly saying, once you've introduced yourself, oh hi, my name is X, da da da, pronouns, da da da da,

I'd really like to play with you, is that something that you'd like to do? And then ask the person in like a non-aggressive kind of like, I wanna play, let's go. Then the person has a chance to say yes or no, or to think about it. Or even if you do the whole, yeah, okay, to me that's no, because it's not enthusiastic, it. To me, that's no, because it's not enthusiastic.

It's not clear. It's not, you know, so I'd say just be simple and direct. Do you want a Jager bomb? You're going to say yes or no. It's the exact same thing when it comes to any sexual or, um, sensual act, I'd say. That's so true. And I think that's important to take away.

Like if someone is hesitating to like not push up'd be like, OK, take that as yet. You've got to read the fucking social cues and be like, there's a strong no. And get comfortable with giving and receiving rejection as well. And it not being a bad thing, it not being like a reflection on you, but just like, oh, yeah, that's not what that person wants. That's fine. Yeah, like it's not it shouldn't't feel so deep and feel like an insult if someone's just telling you what they don't want to do.

Yeah, it's not a personal thing because if it's the first time someone's experienced that kind of environment, they would be nervous anyway. It's not a reflection on the person. And even if it was their hundredth time, one of the things that we always say is, unless there's an agreement, consent does not last a period of time. Like we could be in the middle of doing something, you change your mind, immediately consent has been revoked. So I or whoever is in the scene needs to stop what they're doing. Whether that be like red, if you do like traffic light systems in kink, or whether it's just no, whether it's, you've gone completely nonverbal and I can't read what's happening to check in with the person.

It looks different ways, but it's pretty simple when people just apply it. Break it down. Yeah. And then how does aftercare work within, like if you're in a play space that's more like kink and fetish minded, and maybe people are doing some like more intense scenes.

How does aftercare in those spaces work, but also like after events? Aftercare could be, so for me, give me a biscuit, stroke my head, leave me alone. Other people is like, let me hug you, let me reassure you, let me tell you everything's gonna be okay. It can look very different for different people. Like just hold me whilst I cry, whatever it is for different people. And that doesn't have to be extreme

BDSM. It could be just, I had sex and I got triggered or I just had sex and it was really intense. After that can be so many different things. But again, just ask them, what do you need in this moment? And then you can say. Because I feel that would be quite a normal like human reaction. If you're having such a heightened experience that you haven't had before or even if you had did like you said you've been there 50 times whatever. I feel like emotionally and like the energy it must be so euphoric and you're in the moment like after the next day you must have a bit of a lot like a calm down almost.

So I guess there is a need for like aftercare like for people to check in with you and stuff. And especially if you're arriving in these spaces with like high expectations of what you want it to be or how you perceive yourself being in those spaces. Feel like navigating that if things haven't gone as in the way that you wanted them to is kind of tough and needs a bit of care as well. For sure. We describe it as drop. So that can be like five minutes after having sex. Drop could be you've had an amazing week and then your weekend is shit and now you're just like low

because at the end of the day, we have endorphins and hormones and all of these things in our body. So if you do something very extreme or new, you're gonna be like elated, you're gonna be buzzy. And then the second that stopped, it's like, why do I feel so shit right now? I just want to experience that again by calm. And I have no way to regulate myself. So what you're describing is we'd call drop and then

to navigate that you have aftercare for all parties, not just for the person experiencing the thing. When you say it, it's so simple. It is. Why is everyone not doing this? We're not taught to do this stuff. Yeah, we're not. None of us are. Even something as simple like with my kids and it's like, I remember someone was tickling my son and he kept going, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. And we're taught to continue doing that.

And I was like, he said stop. We have to just make things so simple from a young age to understand. Stop tickling someone is consent. Like, do you wanna eat this food? Yes or no is consent. How are you feeling? I feel crap now, but earlier I was great. Like we can apply this to anything,

but we're just not taught to look at the world like that or to look at like our bodies and desire in that way. It's just like, you do this thing and then we have to elegantly just fall into bed and everything's grand. Like, no, let's talk about it. Let's discuss it. What's there for you? That's so true. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Okay. This story has just come to me and it was very, very sweet and

powerful that we, there used to be a really lovely sex positive sex party kind of mini festival a few years ago, which sadly is no more. And I was there the first year that they had like a queer space for one of the evenings. And they were like, how's this going to go? Do we want to do this? Do we not? It was like the most popular space across the whole weekend and clearly was like really important, but a group of us went and it was mostly kind of like fem-y people in my friendship group and we all sat down in it. It was early in the evening, but it just felt like we were at a girly sleepover. We were like having silly little chats and like kissing a bit, but it was very like, oh my God, I love what you're wearing. No,

I love what you're wearing. Like that kind of like soft vibe. And because it was the only queer space there, it was where all of the gay boys went as well. Where like often gay play spaces for men are very separate, very different. That's like Vauxhall saunas. We don't have like access to those spaces, but they collided. So we were all in one corner having this like soft little fem girlie time and then turned around and there's like a full gangbang scene happening with all of these like really fit gay boys, like two boys in the middle of this circle like on their knees just like mouths open, like it got really like hardcore quite quickly. I've never been able to see that before and it wasn't threatening.

It was like kind of funny and silly that we were all in the same space together but it was very tender and beautiful for both of those things to happen in the same space. And like they turned around and were like, sorry, is this okay? And we were like, Hans, go for it. We love this.

Like it was very, we kind of mutually were doing very different things in the same it. We love this. Like it was very, we kind of mutually were doing very different things in the same space. Can I be nosy and can we end on some of your stories? Yeah, of course. I'm trying to think of good stories. I remember I did a party once in Vauxhall, private party in an apartment. And this woman had been emailing me for ages and she was like, I'm not sure if I want to come. I'm really, really nervous. She was in her forties. So to her, she felt like she was older, despite, you know, forties, not old. She was like, I'm going to bring a friend they've been before. They'll like hold my hand. Okay, cool. We've had everyone's we've had the friend friend came.

Who's like, not a pro, but like expert spoke to loads of people who didn't play at all. The nervous person stayed in the playroom for about 5 hours non stop. I will never forget her because she never came back to a party after that but she had a great time there. Another story, went to a party, it wasn't mine, going downstairs I see a woman that I used to have a crush on come out of this playroom and she's like completely disheveled, in a good way. And then I hear this voice and I'm like, I know that voice, but I don't know how I know that voice. And out walks my brother. No way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. Did you know you fancied her? No, he, yeah. Oh my god. Did you know you fancied her? No, he had no idea who she was. He had just come to that party. We hadn't discussed going to the party or anything. I was going to say that's sly. I didn't even get in there before you. I know, right? Well, good job that you saw him. Oh, and then she asked us for a threesome.

Ah, yeah, I feel really conflicted about that. So do I, but you know, it's part of the story. Okay, yeah, and we got to hear the whole story. Oh, my God. But yeah, seeing my brother was definitely one of the highlights, it was hilarious. How did he handle it? Was he embarrassed or was he just like- He was embarrassed at first,

but then after some stuff on Comfort and Cook, it was cool. I guess that happened in the best way because you didn't walk in on them actually shagging that has happened but that was a different time okay maybe i should have told that story don't worry this story was perfect okay cool so if you're like me a bit of a novice like you've only been to one or two how would you find because it was just i feel like i just stumbled across it or maybe back at when I went, I was doing webcam at the time. So I'd have like guys speak to me about sex parties. So just more on the scene and new. But if you're like not

in like sex work, but you want to like get involved, how do you even find where these are? I think it's called Libertine. They're basically a platform where you can put play parties, sex parties, footage parties, all kinds on there. And then they'll reference other events that are similar to that. Kind of like Dice does. I would say maybe start there, but like really read and be clear about who it's for, what the rules are, what the boundaries are.

There's a calendar that we use. There's an event called E&M for ethically non-monogamous fam London. A friend of mine, Erin, she set up a calendar. Anyone can join it and it will have all the parties that they've deemed as like being okay, whether it be swings party, fetish party, it's all colour coded. We love colour coded things. You're going into like organisational polyamory, which I struggle with. It's not, I love it for other people,

but I like, I can't do the shared Google calendar. I'm too chaotic. Oh, I'm not sharing my calendar, but I definitely need a calendar. But on that, you can see where the parties are and the cost, all of that information's on there. Perfect. There's loads of different parties

for loads of different groups of people. So what I'll do is I'll compile like a list of like Logan's recommendations and then I send it to you all and then you can put it out to all of your listeners and your viewers. That's very special. Okay cool. Okay we'll put it in the show notes. And how much would you say like an average chick it is to a sex party and can you go alone? Say if you didn't have like someone you're really seeing or you're not that close to you don't want to tell your friends because they might be a bit prudish or judgmental. Can you turn up alone? Yeah I don't know any event, maybe one or two smaller parties like less than 50 people where you need to have someone but that's more about accountability as opposed to you

need to play with that person. Right. And it's just about keeping people safe. You can definitely go alone. I would say maybe pre-drinks, don't have to drink alcohol, but like pre-drinks or a WhatsApp group or a telegram group or something to kind of see who's going or post a picture, say, this is me, come and chat to me if you want to, blah, blah, blah, blah, to get that kind of connection beforehand would be really good. And cost anywhere from 18 pounds to 249 pounds. It really... 249?

Yeah, there's a party tonight. There's a party tonight, which is 249 pounds. Oh my God. I'll say that, you'll see me there. And again, this is like accessibility, right? If you have the money and you have the capacity to do it, then go for it. Obviously you get way more with the 200 plus parties. I've heard of ones where they like will hire a mansion like out of the city and like really go for it. I love the idea of that, but I'm going

to need to work up to affording that. What I've found, unfortunately, is like the more expensive stroke elitist a party is, the more problematic the people are. I hadn't even thought about that. Oh God, yeah. Oh no. This isn't like, I'm not tarnishing every event and every person because even me who's like, Mr. Feminist ally, everything ally, social,

like even me, I want some bouginess. I wanna wear a suit and drink champagne. You got to get the three piece suit out. I want to get the three piece suit out. It didn't get used. Anyway, so I think different courses for different folks, if you want to do it, do it. Thank you so much for coming on and being open and chatting about all the different things. I appreciate it. I had fun. That was nice. Do you want to tell people if you want to be found where you can be found? Nobody knows. No, probably Instagram. I am Logan Starr. That's the best way.

Everything else will be on Linktree and stuff like that. And we'll look for your parties. There might be a new shiny thing. There definitely will be. I'll invite both of you. Gorgeous. I'll have to vet you and then I'll invite you. Okay. Well, this wasn't enough. No. Okay.

But you're cool. You're cool. Yay. I've learned so much. I'm definitely going to be dipping my toe back in. You're feeling ready now? A little dip. Yeah, won't you? Yay. Excited. Gorgeous. Well, thank you very much for back in. You're feeling ready now? Yeah, won't you? Yeah. Gorgeous. Well, thank you very much for joining us.

Thank you, lovely listeners. If you've got questions from this conversation, if you've got any like play party, sex party stories of your own, then please send them in. But like more questions would be really good because I'd love to chat more about this kind of stuff. So you can send that to hello at ins and outs pods.com see you next week guys bye