The Jacqueline Monroe Show - 103- The Goat Escaped

Episode Date: December 16, 2020

Happy Tuesday!! :) Patreon.com/TJMS https://soundcloud.com/robmonmusic

Hey, what's up, y'all? It's episode 103. Happy Tuesday. Welcome back to the show. Hey guys, what's up? It's Jacqueline. Happy Tuesday. How's your week going? Tuesday what's going on at the office is anyone even in the office right now I'm at home I'm sitting next to my mom's refrigerator again doing this at night um I'm recording I'm in Washington for a month if you're tuning in if you're new by the way if you're new go ahead and hit that subscribe button I sound like a youtuber subscribe to the podcast on the apple podcast app write me up a review by the end of this if you're into the show if you're like I need to I need to gush about it to someone just go write a review help people out help them

find the show uh head over to patreon.com slash tjms for more content of mine you can get access to all my exclusive patreon only content there and everyone gets a shout out on my Friday episodes so now that that's out of the way yep I'm sitting next to the refrigerator I'm in Washington for a month for the holidays um I have this emotion coming over my body right now that I need to start the podcast off with um I just had the biggest like holy like discovery self-discovery of 2020 and it I feel at this I feel two emotions like con what's it what's it called colliding two emotions are colliding in my body right now one of them is like tears sadness uh self-loathing really depressed and sad the other emotion is like I'm amazing there isn't anything wrong with

me I haven't ever done anything wrong I'm innocent I'm okay I'm just trying to be a good person and improve my life and help people around me and yay like I want to celebrate I want to party I feel upbeat so I know that sounds what's the term uh people use what do they fucking diagnose that as like manic or but it's just because I read I just read about five documents on the internet helping me understand my role and myself and in a certain situation and I was like oh my god I needed to read this tonight so anyways that's what I'm feeling right now and I don't know how this is gonna go because I want to talk I want to tell you guys about my day I want to tell you what my sister and I got up to like what I did another day at my mom's house what did I do but I feel

like this energy that's, I don't know, very emotional, and I didn't, I kind of wanted, after I was reading the article, I was, I was really emo, and I thought, you know, maybe I should come on here and talk about the fact that it wasn't, like, the best day, like, I'm actually going through something, and I could have, like, made this all about how it's a bad day, and I want to be sad, and I want to talk about it with you guys, but I, I try my best to make the show positive and fun and lighthearted. You know how I do it. I always poke shit or poke jokes, poke fun at shit. Um, anyways, I'm drinking guys. I'm drinking a Coke zero. Okay. My sister and I went to Walmart today and I thought I dodged it. I saw it. I saw the little refrigerator next to the checkout.

we did the self-check I saw diet coke in me locked eyes and next thing I know I avoided it I walked I kept walking guys I've been addicted to diet coke ever since I've been home because my mom has it in the fridge and so I was like ah fuck have it every day anyways my sister's like do you want a diet coke do you want do you want one I was like oh yes so that's what I'm drinking tonight anyways yeah I'll be honest so back to what I was saying about having a bad day being kind of down um I thought about that I'm like I haven't really had a bad negative podcast day I don't come on here with low sad energy because I feel like I've you know I don't know it's a lot a lot of things colliding together I feel like I found my passion this thing makes me so happy

I love talking to you guys every day uh that's been helping my mental health and happiness so much. And I have so much fun. Like I'm, like I said, I'm sitting next to a refrigerator in my mom's kitchen. I'm having so much fun. What is my life? Am I going to the big leagues? I haven't talked about that yet. Remember I used to say, I'm good. I'm drowning out these hoes that do it once a week. I'm doing it seven days a week. I'm going to the big leagues. I learned about my ego tonight. I watched a video from a guy on YouTube called better ideas. He did a video about why your ego is ruining your life and I feel like all that fluffy stuff I said in the beginning that arrogant like I'm so cool shit was just chill like I had to go hard because that's when I was

coming out of my depression and I had to try to boost my self-esteem with any way I could and I feel like those positive affirmations positive uh like the the like the outlandish shit I would say about being like a top podcaster drowning out these hoes and all that was just a way for me to try to knock it in my brain that I'm awesome. I can do this. I'm worth it. I'm okay. I'm interesting. I'm not a piece of shit. Like I felt like pretty much most of 2020. So anyways, um, yeah, it was a great night of content, uh, ingesting. Jesus Christ. It was a great night. I was reading a lot tonight. It was researching my, so I started out, okay, I'm just going to go backwards you guys want me to make this backwards day should I start with it at night

and work backwards to the morning fuck it I'm doing it it's backwards day it's Tuesday it's December what is it 15th it's backwards day I'll start with my night and I'll explain the whole thing I discovered the epiphany to get that out of the way in the beginning so you guys know what I'm getting all like excited about here um but yeah it started out tonight with uh oh this can me hard. How do I block this out? I basically went off with my coloring book. I got at Walmart today and chilled on my bed and colored for like an hour. And I watched a podcast. I was watching a whiskey ginger, whiskey ginger. I was watching that coloring, chilling out. And then I started researching stocks for the, cause I'm looking at new stocks right now. And I'm just reading up a

lot of shit about them. And I did that. And then it turned into, I am watching that video about the ego. I was in a rabbit hole with this guy's channel. He's great. He's called better ideas on YouTube. And he does a lot of concise, informative, uh, helpful videos that they're not, they're not eye rolling or they don't, they're not a little bit. Sometimes it's sometimes I want to roll my eyes cause he's right. But it's kind of cheap. It's kind of like cheesy, like self-improvement life shit it's you see it all the time but this guy does it in this kind of modern minimalist way I don't know he's cool anyway so I watched that shit and then I got on the rabbit hole I started this is what I did guys this is what I'm doing now I'm googling

scenarios I find like conversation scenarios and I'm trying to find answers and I'm trying to understand what's going on in the psychology and the roles and all of that. I'm trying to unpack that. And I've been doing this, I'll just be honest, since I came home. Because here I am going a whole year. This is some like unique shit to my life, I guess. I guess a lot of people have been isolated this year, but I'm a single 26 year old girl living by herself in San Diego. I don't know. No one come after me. Is that my mom would be like, don't tell anyone that. No, I live with a six six man who's uh my bodyguard don't come to my place don't find me you'll get you'll get talk shit get hit he'll come after you no um but that's the truth so I've been alone pretty much

all year the only interaction I had it was very minimal grocery stores gyms I went out to dinner a couple times yep a couple times counting on my fingers yep my mom and sister visited me for a month during my birthday week. Well, my birthday. I'm not a birthday week bitch. Don't get it twisted. Do I look like a birthday week bitch? Like I'd celebrate it or a month? No. I do it for a day and I don't even like doing it for a day. I don't even want anyone to know. I don't like my, I love the date of my birthday. It's July 7th. I love it. Seven, seven. There's something about it. I love it. It comes right after the fourth of July weekend. I love America. It makes sense so anyways uh they came visit I'll just cut to the chase they came and visited me for a week

uh and then I don't know that was and I was pretty much by myself the rest of the year doing the same shit like grocery stores fucking my postmate would drop my shit off and I'd say hi my neighbors so I was basically in prison um I shouldn't joke about that but like it kind of at some point felt like I was, I was doing it to myself in a way. Cause like I had friends that were in San Diego reach out, Hey, let's do, you know, want to hang. We should do, we're doing this this weekend. I got a birthday gig. I got to, you know, and I'd always say no. And I feel like a piece of me, um, this is fucked up to say, but I kind of think I wanted to be with myself in my silence, in my apartment and go through this pandemic on my own to face all the shit that I've struggled

with in my 20s so far pretty much my whole like over my the course of my life but mainly in my 20s and being an adult I really wanted to get clear about it face it take action on it uh be accountable all those good things because I realized the reason I I said no to social was because I feel like a lot of the reason so I was using events and people and activities and spontaneous endeavors in my life like I literally moved to San Diego I moved in with someone after like two weeks I don't think I've ever really told a story maybe I shouldn't I don't know I like met someone moved in I like jumped headfirst into this situation very spontaneous I'm like look, I'm young. I can do it. This is the year to do it, whatever. It was great. I had a great

time through it all. I learned a lot. There's highs and lows, but, um, anyways, I realized that I need a lot of stimulant, stimulus, stimulus, stimulus. I was distracting. I was allowing, or I, fuck, you guys know where I'm going with this. People were distracting me and events and all that for myself like I would you know what I mean I didn't I wasn't happy with myself there's a lot of self-esteem issues self-doubt self-worth problems insecurity depression all that kind of underneath it all that of course being social and going out with people and doing stuff is good for your mental health and happiness like I think that's great but there it there's a fine line with it you kind of have to pay attention to so anyways I was doing I was put myself in a little

guinea pig cage this year literally my apartment I said look figure it out Jacqueline adulthood is knocking on the door let's make this year about working on yourself because this is the time to do it and I've never felt more connected to who I am more happy with um how I've turned out um and like I said the final piece tonight was me googling scenarios in conversations I've had to really understand my role in the family and how I am perceived and what I do to trigger people and make people, like, feel a certain way about me and da-da-da-da-da. So, I figured it out. And I was like, oh my god, this finally, like, clicked for me. And let me see if I wrote any notes am I still doing backwards day uh I don't want to go into it because here's the thing

I love my family there's really I've really I have zero shit to talk about my family ever in fact I feel like I always talk them up like I fucking love everyone in my family but I think there's something to be said about family roles and where you and how you fit in and in my case let me just read something I wrote I don't think it'll disclose what this role is you guys might be able to unpack it from listening to this but let me read it um so oh wait no it's it's this tab I literally have like so many tabs open of articles about this so I'm a truth teller this has to be this has to do with me being a truth teller um okay I found it I'm gonna read this and just know that there's uh there's levels to this shit it

doesn't mean it's full-on 100% this is what I'm experiencing as an adult now but it's there's pieces of this that I identified with and I was like holy shit so here you go so I'm just gonna call this adults with this role in their family often don't realize how their familial distress has been negatively impacting nearly every area of their life, including their mental and emotional health, relationships, work, and their ability to realize their most cherished goals and dreams. More specifically, adults with this role, I'm not going to say what it is. I think it's kind of a negative label, and I don't want to label myself or say this

because I'm struggling to even talk about this because, again, I love my family. This is just facts and information. I'm not – okay, anyways. so adults with this role often feel debilitated by self-doubt and imposter syndrome and their relationships and in the workplace and blame themselves for their difficulties they typically struggle in regard to creating and experiencing a sense of life mission yep passion and purpose and find themselves succumbing to feelings of futility hopelessness depression anxiety and despair so that's all i'm going to read about it but i guess in conclusion or the little epiphany

I had is that I think my personality that's very curious and looking for truth and answers for everything is a little bit, it's like 10 steps ahead sometimes in conversation. And I think that's where I slip up and that's where I experienced this, or I fall into this role. So anyways, it was fun to learn about that tonight. I'm actually glad I did because now I can, I can learn how to I guess navigate myself in a healthy way and know when it's kind of going down a slippery slope or I got to protect myself and set a boundary and I mean every family's got their stuff I feel like in mine it's just like there's five of us we all have a there's roles every every family's got that and so I learned about mine tonight it was really cool so I don't like

I said I don't like to label things I don't want to make this a negative or a positive um I want to work on solutions and how I can come to you know a good place with each relationship I have in my family so anyways um that's what I did tonight I'm still going backwards don't worry um my sister just walked in the kitchen about five minutes ago um you guys yeah okay I don't edit this but I had to pause to like find that article and find the place anyways but she came in. Um, anyways, so yeah, maybe that's a tip. I don't know if you're going through a conversation that's a little rocky or, uh, there's something going on with the relationship you're in, just Google it, Google, like the situation, the scenario, you know how Google is, you can type

in a sentence, it'll find stuff about it. And that's what I did. And I learned something I never knew about myself and that was cool. So anyways, um, so let's see what I did. Let's work backwards. Did I say I colored on my bed and chilled? Did I talk about that yet and watch the podcast? I think I worked backwards. Wait, got to go ahead of that. Before that, before I chilled and colored in my coloring book from Walmart, I worked. This is stupid. Why am I going backwards? Why am I doing this? I'm trying to change it up on a Tuesday night for no reason. I worked in the afternoon. Before that, I took a break when I came home from Walmart and colored. And I ate chocolate while I colored and I watched I think I was like I bought a dark dark chocolate bar Walmart I was

like I need it because I feel like all the chocolate we've had at home so far is all like fancy or like milk I don't I like dark dark like I think this is 96 I don't know um so I had that as my that was literally lunch with cheese and crackers I mean I'm it's how this is my favorite time of year anything goes honestly I just eat cheese and crackers and chocolate for lunch and call it a lunch, I don't care, um, I'm eating, I'm drinking Diet Coke right now, I don't know, this is not, this is not how I used to be, it'd be green juice, and, uh, green juice, and what would I have, uh, like, a salmon salad every fucking day, okay, um, it comes, I, I do, I still do that, it just, it's not mandatory, okay, um, am I still working backwards, should I tell you

guys about work so the coloring book uh cheese and crackers session was midday before that around 10 11 my sister and I went to Walmart we walked around it was great every Walmart is different and I noticed this uh at the Walmart we were at because the one I'm used to the layout is like the opposite so the food is on the right and everything else on the left but this one is so weird the food section I feel like they redid it it's so annoying it's like you know how I'm right-handed the food is usually on the right I feel like in Walmart but this place is left it's just or it's on the left I don't I didn't like it but I got I had her lead the way I was kind of confused where I was at but we looked at um what do we get coloring books was the mission we went

there to get adult coloring books I got this really cool one that's called uh like colliding worlds or something and it'll be like a picture of a deer and then on its antlers there's a little elf town if you know what I mean so it's really cool like I was just doing it tonight and I was doing a snow globe and the inside of the snow globe was a tree and then all these little animals and I don't know it's so fun so got that at Walmart then we looked at she looked a weight set because we don't have heavy she's uh into my sister's into like uh body sculpt or bodybuilding type of workout so she got a big I think it was 100 pounds for like 40 bucks at Walmart the last one there big weight set uh like a I think it was like a barbell with I don't know

I don't know the technical technical terms it was tiny it was like it wasn't like a big one it was just whatever, um, then we looked at clothes, she got a pair of jeans, I think she got, yeah, jeans and a pair of yoga pants that were really cute, and yeah, did we get, oh, Diet Cokes, we left Diet Cokes, did I get, did I get anything else, gum, I got, literally, I got a coloring book, dark chocolate, uh, gum, oh, I got, I got markers, okay, do you guys really care what I got at Walmart, It was fun to go there. I don't know. My sister and I love it. We go around, pal around, look at shit. It's like a field day, a girl day. And it was great. So raining like hell today. I was just like, okay, I didn't mention this yesterday. Let me get into it for two minutes.

Let me drink some Diet Coke. Hold on. ASMR. I got it really good in San Diego when I think about it. I'm like, it's starting to hit me like, Whoa, okay. How many weeks have I, I'm on what week three home week two and a half, something like that. I appreciate where I live so much more now because I, I didn't know. I, it's really hard. It's hard for me to say this, but, and I have this weird guilt, which I need to get over. And I'm learning about as part of what I learned tonight there's a reason I have self-esteem or excuse me guilt and shame around my decisions in life there's a reason for that and I won't forget it after tonight after all my reading I'm like okay now I know why that doesn't mean there's something wrong with me at my core and who I am

it's I'm fine but uh I have it so good in California I'm realizing like I don't know if I was cut out for this like gloomy rainy weather like I honestly think my soul was called south like it needed to go to the sun it needed to go to the beach it needed to be by in that weather and I think a piece of that might have to do with this I would really I would get really bad like the seasonal depression stuff during my time in college at WSU and then I worked there for a year after and it the town itself it's a college town it's out in the middle of nowhere in the middle of, or out in the east side of Washington, it was awesome, college there was great, I loved it, it was a college town, nothing wrong with that, but when you live there for a while, and

the snow comes, and it's there for three months, and it's always, you know, that really affected me, and I think that's when I, when I was living in, when I was working at WSU, that's when I made the decision to move to California, and that was in the middle of snow, like, I set on my mind uh California the fall before I moved and I moved in the summer was it 2018 yeah I moved summer 2018 in June to San Diego what was the date it's like May I think it was like May end of May June anyways but yeah I've always had this like issue with the the weather here where it really hurt it hurts me it hurts my mind my mental health and I am one of those people that I run low on my my like what's it called my serotonin just doesn't it depletes in fact I was listening to

speaking of whiskey ginger I was watching uh what's his name comedian it's not Duncan it's not Duncan Trussell it's fucking ah I gotta I gotta look it up I want to get his name right he was talking about how I'll just I'll just say it because I don't want to I don't have pulled up I don't want to waste your guys's time. A guy on whiskey ginger in the last, I think like two weeks, he was on there probably last Friday. I was talking about how his serotonin, it like dissolves quicker. It's like, how did he describe it? It was so perfect. Like it doesn't, what's it, what's a good analogy. It's like a candle with a shitty flame. Okay. Think of a candle that burns 12 hours. This is so, this is a bad example. Basically mine,

my serotonin I've learned and I went you know I got help this year and I learned about my depression and what's going on with my brain but it depletes quicker than nor it should normally deplete so um anyways why was I bringing this up so maybe there's something maybe there the weather thing has something to do with that I don't know I don't want to like go in too deep about it but I fucking appreciate anyways today it was raining at Walmart I was like holy I have it so good um I'm a, I'm a summer, I'm a summer baby born in July. I feel like there's something about the sun that calls me. Gotta be close to it. Gotta be in that, at that beach. Um, anyways, but it's getting to me. I used to say this, I'd come home when I first moved to San Diego and came home for

the holidays. I would notice how literally in two days I'd be like, fuck, this is tough. This is dark and depressing. But anyways, some people love it. I know my brother once said, he's like, yeah, I think it, I love the rainy, cold, dark vibe. Like I love it. It's like a mood. He likes it. Some people do and some people don't. It's not right or wrong. It's just what it is. So where am I going now? We went backwards from, well, let's go backwards from Walmart. I made eggs on toast again. I'm talking about what I ate today a lot. I had, what did I have for breakfast? I had eggs and toast, cheese and crackers and chocolate for lunch. And what I, I haven't had dinner. Oh fuck. I locked myself into my bedroom and I was reading and I haven't

eaten yet. It's 9.03 PM, but I'm drinking Diet Coke. So shout out, uh, whatever. Let's call it a meal. The podcast is the meal. Let's be honest. Talk like that's a thing I noticed when I'm really productive and busy and doing shit. I like forget about meals. I'm like, I don't know what four hours has passed and I'm working. I'm having fun. Oh shit. I haven't eaten, but I, oh, I had a cheese stick this afternoon. That was dinner. Okay. Anyways, I'm joking. I'll probably eat after this um so yeah I made eggs and toast with my grandparents eggs from their chicken coop it was really good um I woke up really early let me just start with the morning this is the final backwards day section and then I can talk about talk about other shit but basically I woke up at six

naturally it just happened I was so stoked I want to get my up my excuse me my wake up time earlier because I feel like it's been seven, eight lately. And I don't know, there's something about, I like getting up at six. Um, but anyways, I got coffee, check my stocks, fucking like went on my yoga mat outside. It was great. I put it out. It was really cold and blustery, but I was loving it. I was in a t-shirt. It was like, I liked, I liked being in that brisk weather while I was doing my yoga. but there was something so cool about it. And then, uh, I was watching. So it was cool. So whenever I went upside down or did anything on my back, I saw the bird migration. I talked about yesterday, the snow geese, the big, the snow geese that fly in giant V's in the sky migrating,

I think from Siberia. I don't know actually the actual place they're from, but whatever. Uh, it was so cool. It was so majestic and beautiful. And I felt amazing. And I was drinking coffee. I was listening to Ariana Grande um and then I got an early start to work and then that's right before I had so I worked after that and then I got on with my day at Walmart and then yeah you guys know the rest but um that was my Tuesday this is my audio diary I'm writing in my journal what did Jacqueline do today well now you know uh I don't know I still you know here's the thing about this podcast let me reflect as a podcast host right now I am so down to be like what's the word uh always new at this always learning always trying to like yeah like I'm always trying to

learn something new about myself how to podcast everything about it so uh I back to being hard on myself self-esteem problems all that shit I kind of mentioned that was maybe confusing for you guys. I think it's, I'm being vague because I'm still, I literally learned about it tonight, but a piece of me, this imposter syndrome, it's never good enough shit, kind of thinks I need to be more like structured. I need to have a purpose for each episode of what are we going to talk about today? Let's hit a topic home. What's my niche? Am I going to niche down? Am I going to like but I'm kind of struggling with that because I feel like I'm not interested like I still think this is I don't know I struggle I really do because my goal with this is to like selflessly

and so it's selfless and selfish at the same time and I'll own that like I'll own it this is selfishly helping my mental health my happiness I feel like I know myself really well I'm I'm more in tune with who I am I'm working everything out I believe I'm hearing my truths what my soul is speaking I'm hearing my soul speak everything I say out loud is like coming from my soul it's as if we've been friends for 10 years and I'm on a phone call with you this is the selfless part I want to be your friend I want to be as relatable uh I want to be someone you can relate to that you that help entertains you on a boring day at work or a boring day doing I don't know like a if you're at the at the gym doing a workout like i don't know so i don't want to

make this this doesn't need it's it's a podcast it's not rocket science i don't need to overthink it but some days i go jesus i just talked about like fucking going to walmart today making toast but i'll say i'll be the first to say i love simple shit i love knowing details about people like the most specific quirky like what do they eat for breakfast what's their life like behind the scenes what do they really think like that's so interesting to me so I hope I'm doing that for you um that's really all I have today I could talk about what's going on in the world okay we got a stimulus COVID relief package they're calling the Christmas miracle if they pass it before Christmas coming out. Bipartisan bill. Let's see what happens. I don't know. There's a

lot, a lot of press today around it. Mitch McConnell coming out and speaking, Nancy Pelosi speaking. I was following it throughout the day, but it's looking like it's the 740 ish. I want to say billion dollar package that's going to pass and not the $906 billion one. The $906 billion one would include a stimulus check. That's a $1,200 stimulus check or six to 12, 600 or 1,200. I'm not quite sure that was going to get, um, that was included with a $906 billion one, but it's looking like that's not happening. But the 741 pass, I don't know if you guys are following this or know anything, anything about it, but unemployment will be extended. Another unemployment will be if this passes extended another 16 weeks uh plus an additional 300

a week let me just read about it um stimulus bill they're both sides are saying this isn't about politics we need to do this for the american people we want to help them they need this now more than ever in the times of christmas and the first quarter of 2021 is going to be miserable if we don't do this now they are saying as far as if you're like when's a stimulus is a stimulus check coming they're saying that under Biden it will come out indefinitely like that will happen but um probably not with this bill before Christmas oh shit I don't

I can't find like a clear list all I know is about that unemployment there's something else rental assistance and small business oh vaccine something with the vaccine money for that uh rental assistance I believe something for small businesses and then the unemployment thing anyways are you guys a nerd about it like I am I literally just I don't watch the news but I know everything about the stimulus situation because of this guy on YouTube he's super cool his name's Kevin he's uh meet Kevin on YouTube and I'm sucked on his videos he's so I don't know like he's kind of he's got this funny personality I can't really put my finger on it but anyways he's into stocks and real estate and I learn I learn a lot from him outside of the stimulus shit but I

still every day I'm like checking in what's going on with the what's going on with Congress are they fighting are they agreeing but um yeah so that's going on now I feel like the thing I was saying earlier like I gotta I gotta ball I gotta ball out right now and be and make this podcast like something worth your time so I'm like what's the news today what's going on in the news sometimes I go on page six to find out about uh what's it called like uh celebrity news let's go page six I just found this Instagram a while ago and it's so nice because they do a story where they'll post like 10 top celebrity headlines in a row so if you ever want to know what's going on like just go to page six it seems like a classier TMZ I don't really know

just gossip you know what I mean I love pop I love celebrity and pop culture news it's great It's just juicy sometimes. Let's see if there's anything here. Okay. Sandra Lee. I used to watch her on the Food Network. Packs up home she shared with Governor Cuomo. Was she married to him or dating him? I see it. I could see them as a couple. Sandra Lee. She's the one that I feel like there's always that meme that's like, like three shots of vodka and she's like continually she's the vodka's pouring in and it's like six second pour she's like two shots of vodka do you guys know who that is she used to have the show semi homemade on food network i love the food network

Jeff Bridges reveals shaved head oh says he's feeling good battling cancer oh my gosh what does he have Jeff Bridges has cancer Jesus Christ oh no what does he have let's see it's really too it's just sad um he's 71 feeling good shave my head got a puppy his name's Monty oh that's cool shaved my head got a puppy lymphoma my grandpa had that actually my grandpa died of lymphoma bridges i never met him this is like i'm not trying to make this about me jeff bridges i hope you're healthy and i hope you beat this i think lymphoma is curable now i'm pretty sure it is

but yeah my grandpa never met my dad's dad he died of lymphoma and I think a few years before I was born maybe more than that but yeah it's kind of wild you know here's something about the California thing I just thought about it my dad's family's from California I'm pretty sure they're from or they're a lot of relatives down there my grandpa used to play baseball in California I think there's like a California thing with my family so I'm like okay maybe that makes sense maybe somehow it's like in my like it's just like in my genes or whatever but who knows it's probably all the fucking what's it called YouTube I watch all the YouTubers in California like the whole California aesthetic was so appealing to me I just had to be under a palm tree god forbid I lived in

a cold weather place. Like that's so unsexy. Jesus. Maybe I could go into that, the guilt I have around where I live. Let's see if there's any more page six. Megan Markle, Prince Harry signed deal with Spotify to produce podcasts. What? Prince Harry and Megan Markle signed deal what was Spotify this is cool this is your news section guys Meghan Markle and Prince Harry are going to be podcasters oh my gosh I'm so glad I found this news the Duke and Duchess of Sussex have signed a multi-million dollar deal with Spotify to host and produce their own podcast they announced Tuesday they are again following in the footsteps of the Obamas by signing up with both netflix and spotify doesn't michelle obama have a podcast i think i saw her on the

charts anyways they have set up archwell audio and signed an exclusive multi-year deal with the platform and said in a statement released tuesday they will produce programming that uplifts and entertains audiences around the world that's cool and aren't they controversial weren't they like i don't pay attention too closely but weren't megan megan and harry like like shunned or exiled from the family like they're not he's like not a royal anymore what happened with harry this year did they move to the states or canada i don't know i don't even want to look it up i'm like something i think something's going on with those two oh Jesus Christ uh

I'm not allowed to say that my mom doesn't like when I say Jesus Christ shit I can't say that either I don't know sometimes I'm like I I just it slips out I don't know um back to what I was saying in the beginning I'm this is my passion I'm having fun hanging out with myself it is night time I think the last over the last week I've been tired at night but tonight I feel excited because I discovered something that's going to help my life and hopefully help my relationships with my family members so that's cool and I think I just instead of I'm learning this is what's cool about growing up and observing and growing and learning from your mistakes and getting curious about why things persist and why things issues

never resolve over time because I'm big on that I'm really big on that for myself and I want that for other people in my life. I want other, I want other people around me to be happy and free and successful and, like, evolved. Like, I want everyone, I want to, in the most loving way possible, and this is what's hard for me to convey and get across sometimes, like, in the most loving way possible, I want people close to me to, like, get curious about their behavior that isn't serving them and isn't serving their relationships and helping their life and that you know brings up conflict a lot I want them in the most loving way possible I want them to get curious about it reflect on it learn about it talk about it get it out in the open and work on it and

that's something I decided to do after my sister thank God for my sister she came at me she came visited me, like I said, for my birthday this summer, and she laid into me. She called me out on my bullshit, and I was like, you're right. I can't sit here and be stubborn about this. I can't sit here and be mad at you about saying this about me. Like, no, you're right. I know you're right. I'm going to be accountable. I want to get better. I want to work on this, and thank you. I think that tough what's it called constructive tough love conversation is important and in my own way because I have a different approach or a different way of saying it in my own way I want to do that I want to have that constructive conversation with my family members now that I've learned this new

thing about my role so that we can all kind of work together better and and flow better with how we interact, because it, it gets rocky sometimes, and here's the deal, here's something inside on my, I don't know why this is now, here's the inside about my family, I don't know if that's whatever, I'm gonna be, it's all good, everything's good, I'm saying that we're all passionate, hard-working, confident, passionate, I'm saying this about myself too, I know, passionate, hardworking confident um competitive that's a big one competitive strong-willed hard like we work hard we're that kind of we're those kind of people we tough it out and so I feel like that that trait when we're when we just need to be objective and it doesn't need

to get competitive or um the ego doesn't need to get involved all that kind of shit I feel like we slip up sometimes because that kind of energy, we have that dominant alpha energy, especially the women in our family. Like we're very together. We can get very alpha, very like, uh, standing our ground. We're right. You're wrong. Like that kind of shit. And we always resolve it, but I feel like we could avoid some of the explosions if we understood our behaviors better and we could self-correct. Cause yeah, again, in the most loving way possible. I, I want people around me to have that self, uh, what's it called? Like realization or that self breakthrough. Um, I dunno, like I said, my twenties are not, my adulthood's not

adulthood is knocking on my door this year. A lot of shit's going crazy in the world. I want to get my shit right so when I march into this back half of my 20s 30s 40s you know and beyond I'm work I've done the work now in a great time to do it and it's never ending I'm always going to be working but I just want everyone everyone to do that you know I don't know I've observed and I've admired people that especially the thought leaders out there like I really like uh Andy Frisella for this he admits his shit and he's just honest and open and raw about it and it's not he his ego is his everything's down he doesn't it's not he's and that's what's cool like I admire people where there's zero ego involved and I think there everyone has

a little bit. There's always going to be some there, and that's healthy. I think there's a healthy, ego's healthy in a certain amount, but there's a slippery slope with that. You have to be conscious of it. You have to monitor it, but anyways, I admire people that are just open about, they're just so raw about it, and especially big leaders out there, leaders that do that, people that everyone looks up to that you're like, they're perfect. They're amazing. how could they ever have flaws and then boom they just list them out and they're like I've been addicted I've been depressed I cheated on my wife I've been um whatever it is like I've abused I've been in an abusive relationship whatever it is like it's very it's awesome to hear that and I

I kind of want to be that kind of person on this show who's and I don't know if I'm doing it full on like I've I've talked about you know I'm a little depressed I've had this little low self-esteem shit going on for a long time and I'm working on it now really hard but um there's so much more to the story like and I just have this fear though that I I don't need to share everything I don't want to overshare I really don't like I want to have fun on this show I don't want to get too deep I this probably deepest I've gotten in a while I don't know but it's not this isn't my this isn't the plot I'll talk to my therapist you know what I mean like I don't want to come on here and just be like here's all my shit there's some secret there's some not secrets

there's some stuff I like to keep to myself um because it's not it's probably best that way and I don't know I'd like to maintain some kind of mystery speaking of let's go into dating in relationships I have this you know I feel like this is a rational fear about like sharing everything on the internet talking about my life all over my podcast every day and if some man out there like I'm just hypothesizing that's not the word but like I don't want to I if you're interested just please don't listen to my podcast I want you to find out like date by date you know what i mean i don't want you to know everything coming in other than what maybe you see on instagram okay but like knowing if you've listened to a hundred what is it now i don't even remember

what number what is this 103 103 episodes an hour plus long each some of them almost two like that's kind of scary because i i think that's it's what i signed up for okay i'm willing to put myself out there i'm one of those people put my skin in the game getting my skin what's the term getting my putting my skin in the game getting my skin in the game contributing to the conversation sharing my worldview sharing my opinions talking about politics talking about celebrities talking about pop culture like i'm just one of those people that's like i'll do it fuck it i'll do it i'll do a podcast i'll talk about shit it's fun but as far as dating goes it's kind of scary to think about if someone knows

everything about me and they listen to the show but you know what I like literally fall in love with people I listen to podcasts listen when I listen to their podcast I'm like oh my god I know you so well what you're saying is so attractive I love how you think we could have conversations for hours like I know how that is I do so whatever it's 2020 we're in the information age people are podcasters it's a thing you know what I mean we're all content creators I'm noticing my behavior around my sister because she's totally like private account doesn't share on social media all day long in the same way I do it's not her lifestyle and I thought about it today I'm like we were backing in she backs the car in the driveway she does not pull in straight it's

always a back end I talk and joke about that yesterday she parked like the sheriff like sideways in the driveway I love my sister it's like ridiculous I love it she does like funny shit all the time but we're backing in today from Walmart and I'm like how did I turn in why did I go the content internet route like she said monetize she used it like she didn't know what it meant she just said it and I thought I was just like she's like I don't even know what that means I'm like I know but it was so funny I'm like how did I get into this world and then my sister went like the education law route which is awesome she's doing amazing things and I don't know it's weird to think about like how did that happen because we were younger we were we were both

really creative we did everything artsy-fartsy and then I guess like I I'm I don't know that's so weird to think about wait a minute I've always been artistic I always thought she was more artistic and creative than I was she was always better at drawing she's always better at like yeah all of her art she made she used to draw fashion my sister was so good at drawing uh like you know when you see a sketch of an out like a dress like in a fashion magazine like those really kind of like almost like abstract drawings of clothes my sister could do that when she was like 10 and she's so good at drawing faces and horses and I know she just seemed like super I thought maybe she'd do something crazy creative I don't know what'd she do in high school why am

I talking about my sister she should just come on the mic Julia come out of your room I think she's in bed she goes she goes to bed early I don't like to talk about like when other people when I'm talking about someone who's, like, literally in the house, I'm, like, weird, I'm, like, Julia, come talk about your life, but, yeah, it's crazy, I just had that thought in the car when she was backing in, like, how did I end up, because here's the thing, I'm, like, storying, she's playing music, I'm, like, I'm gonna do a story in the car as you're playing this music, like, this is my natural, it's, like, a habit, you just grab your phone, you make a story, I do that all all day long and she like doesn't do that it's like I don't know how that happened

neither does my brother my brother he's a content he makes music he made my intro music shout out Rob Mon on SoundCloud always link to the show notes that's Rob Mon R-O-B-M-O-N short for Robert Monroe he goes by Rob check him out uh but he's not a big social media guy but I I love that about him because he thinks it's a bunch of bullshit. He called me out about my, uh, like last year when we were in Vegas. Yeah. That conversation was really, I've talked about it before on previous episodes, how he talked about how it's like, you don't need this. Like he threw my phone. We were having this heart to heart, like 4am. It was amazing. I'll never forget it. We were watching, well, was it six in the morning? Yeah. I think it was six. We were

literally watching the sun come up, having this, like, sibling moment, and I was getting my phone out to record the moment, like, I want to remember this, this is beautiful, like, I, this is amazing, this is so cool, we just had an amazing night, like, this was, we had, like, because I never see my brother, like, we, whenever we're together, it's, like, the funnest shit, it's, we have, we're so tight, but, anyways, he took my phone, he's, like, Jacqueline, you don't need this, this is ruining your life and so after that I kind of now I'm just telling the story I said I did this in a previous episode whatever if you're new now you know but after that I noticed it happened actually it happened later not right after that moment but I'd say later in 2019 this is when I went off my

I literally didn't go on social media for like two months I started observing my behavior around my phone and how I'm always taking pictures of everything I'm doing all day long and like yeah I'm kind of doing that a lot now okay I'm doing that a lot now that I'm home but it's also because here I'm justifying it I said literally I said I don't want to come home I want to be present I don't want to come home and be like updating guys all day long on my Instagram story but anyways for those two months of the back half of 2019 I did a lot of writing I thought about my like habit my behavior around grabbing my phone always documenting shit not being in the moment and now it's a lot of a lot of things have changed for social media I'm just

going to go into this real quick I mute like 95% of the stories that I follow around 900 people I think yeah like I'd say good percent like 90 95 percent of people are muted and I'm constantly like oh not constantly I'd say maybe once a month I'll kind of check people that I'll add people back in and but it keeps me off of my it keeps me focused and like these people inspire me motivate me I like their their content uplifts me I like what they post whatever so I I curate what I watch on Instagram stories. And if I stalk you, so for example, hey, maybe you're like, oh, I'm lucky she watched my story. Well, I go on a little stalking mission sometimes. And if you're in my DMs, I'll like click your circle thing. This is so like, imagine saying this in 2005, like click

your circle thing. Like we were had fucking razor phones. Like we didn't have Instagram. That's so wild so wild um but yeah like I've so I've done that I've when I post now I said this yesterday I post pics I get out I don't sit there and camp out on is someone liking this do I have to reply to this I don't check dms until like sometimes I'll leave it for my personal dms I've worked dms and personal dms my personal ones I I leave I let them accumulate and then I'll go in and respond all at once um and I'd say for the most part I'm not right is this if guys is this the funnest episode ever like I'm really I'm really going into my social media habits and the shit I'm working on this is kind of sad but whatever I'm almost done I'm almost done I really want to

like cut this but uh yeah I post I get out I mute people it's another thing I do time limit on my phone I have that shit I don't remember my brother back to that it was really important like that conversation woke me up because I knew it about myself and like deep down I'm like yeah this is not real life like this isn't it's kind of making me a zombie I don't like how I feel every experience I had in fact I will say this this is important I say this I'll repeat it I've already mentioned did before but when I would take a moment to document something in my day like my breakfast or my skincare in my cabinet or my makeup or whatever it kind of makes my life suck because instead of just or being with family and taking pictures of everything around the fucking dinner

table and all that shit it kind of makes your my it made my life suck a little bit or kind of a lot because it was like this hiccup in my day where instead of just being with people and hanging out and having breakfast and not even having a phone around or anything all of a sudden it's like oh it's a hiccup like it sucks you out of the moment for a second and you gotta post it caption it whatever put a little swirly thing on it I don't know it makes your life experience it changes your life experience I want to say it's not like my life is it's not like my life is horrible when I do that but it kind of it like makes me not I don't know it just kind of it's like a little like a little glitch when you have to post something and story it all day long anyways

okay I'm annoyed with this tangent but you get what I mean again I'm putting my skin in the game I'm a podcast host I do this every day chose to do that it's my choice I'm owning it there's no I feel like I don't the way I feel about posting a podcast is so much different than like the bullshit I post all over Instagram all day long you know what I mean like it feels like I'm taking action I'm instead of being somebody which is what like Instagram is all about I'm doing something and I've identified that my issue the reason why I was kind of feeling lost I couldn't I didn't feel like, I had a purpose earlier in my 20s was because I didn't, I wasn't, I didn't have that thing, I wasn't doing something, I was, it was all about, like, well, just, like, honestly,

having fun, posting on Instagram, whatever, but, like, aesthetics, like, making your life look cool, like, whatever, like, I was in London just balling out, taking pics of everything, like, look where I'm at, like, it was for my scrapbook, like, Instagram's my little scrapbook, but I wasn't like doing anything like I could have been in London helping people with like here's like a cool spot to go to here's a little thing about it and here's a write-up on a blog or I don't know where now I have that with the podcast I'm like I'm podcasting I'm providing a piece of content that I feel like I'm helping people in some way I know it's weird to say that I know a lot of content creators struggle with that uh it's like well I'm just it's all about me in my

life how's that helping people it does don't discredit that I love like I have the few people I've been following for years that have helped me get through shit because of their posts their content so whatever um but yeah I'm all about taking action doing something prioritizing that ahead of being somebody everyone wants to be somebody now fuck that I don't want to be any I'm like I'm this is it bitch like you are Jacqueline you're sitting next to a refrigerator in your mom's house in the kitchen on a Tuesday night drinking a diet coke okay you're wearing a hoodie what's new I don't want to be any different than this I don't want to be known for anything cooler or like something like better than this does that make sense like I don't need

to be on a fucking stage I don't need to have a bunch of followers I don't need to have like an article or a fucking documentary like someday I don't need any of that shit like to me the dream is like I'm doing like this is it I don't I'm just I'm doing something I'm not trying to be anybody. That's what I think people need to get clear on. Uh, cause you want to be useful. What are, how are, how are we going to help the world? How are you going to help people? How can you be useful? How can you be useful? Okay. All right. That's all I got for you guys today. Once again, if you liked this episode, go ahead and subscribe to the Apple pot on the Apple podcast app. Write me up a review if you want, whatever. And then, uh, I should take that more seriously.

please write me a review on the apple podcast app it would help me out a lot and go over to patreon.com slash tjms if you want to support the show and get access to my exclusive patreon only content check that out over there follow me on instagram if you want to see how i'm trying to be somebody I'm trying to flex on all you hoes lately I've been like nonchalant like I post shit I don't even caption it I don't even I'm like I'm kind of at this point now I can't take anything well I'd still take shit seriously I I need to be careful with saying that too much uh but I feel like sometimes when I post a caption I feel full of myself that's why a lot of times they're just like jokes because I don't you know it's like this is just a picture it's about the

picture it's not about the caption sometimes the caption helps a lot of times it does but lately I'm like fuck it this is the picture for the scrapbook for you know the online scrapbook of Jacqueline doesn't need a caption it speaks for itself just post it and get out I don't know is that a flex no caption is that it's gonna be the cool thing to do I roll my eyes out so hard when people do and I've done it before so you know I get it but sometimes I don't need to hear I don't need an essay on what you're going through a little pity party all this deep shit I don't know it's like it's helping somebody like the people that write long captions that are like that are probably amazing they're helping people but I don't know

sometimes I'm just like just talk to your therapist please don't tell the internet I should take my advice. Okay. Love you guys. Happy Tuesday. I'll be here tomorrow for Wednesday's podcast. I'll be here for Thursday's podcast, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, literally I'm here seven days a week. Again, go ahead and subscribe, hit up patreon.com slash TJMS for more content. And yeah, that's all I got for you guys today. I hope you're having a good week and I hope you're healthy. I hope you're healthy. I hope you're happy and I hope you're fulfilled. All right. That's all I got. Bye.