The Jacqueline Monroe Show - 106- I Cried All Day

Episode Date: December 19, 2020

Happy Friday!! :) Patreon.com/TJMS https://soundcloud.com/robmonmusic

What's up guys? Happy Friday. It's episode 106. Welcome back to the show. Hi, what's up? It's Jacqueline. Happy Friday. I'm podcasting in bed right now. I'm still in Washington. I'm still at my mom's house. And I cried. I cried all day long. And I had a wake up call. Jacqueline, holy shit, girl, you do this seven days a week. If you do this every day, you're gonna have a bad day where you cry and you're gonna have to talk about it. So here I am in bed. And my eyes are still throbbing. Like, you know, when you cry a lot, like I cried hard. and here's the thing you're probably like Jacqueline why did you cry are you okay is everything okay yes everything is fine my family is amazing I love my mom I love my sister I love

my brother I love everyone in my family we have little tiffs and I talked about it earlier this week had a little issue going on and I was going through it a little bit and I love my family because when we talk it out, it's the most loving, like passionate. We, we just like, I cried, they cry. It's amazing. It's beautiful. And at the end, I'm like, here, here's my list of new boundaries. This is what we're going to work on. This is what I learned. And so literally all I'm going to do today, my mom and sister behind me, you might be able to hear the TV in the other room. My sister does, um, fitness competitions and they're watching the Olympia. I think it's the Olympia the live Olympia show right now out in the living room and I broke away from that to

podcasts because I'm like you know what my mom's like Jacqueline just check in talk about the fact you cried all day go over some of the issues people might be interested in the uh the gossip the hot gossip my family relationships you know so I don't know I'm still in bed my eyes are kind of throbbing do I have any beverage next to me I have water okay here let me take a sip famous last words on the podcast 106 episodes I feel like I say it every time just let me take a sip so let's get into it uh first off if you're new I'm here seven days a week like I said this is my audio diary instead of writing in a journal I speak it out I talk about my thoughts I talk about my feels I talk about my uh rants and all things I want to change

in the world all this like crazy shit I don't know I you never know what you're gonna get on this podcast I don't niche down I am my own niche I talk about whatever I want there isn't a purpose other than hi I'm Jacqueline welcome to my life this is like a YouTube vlog except it's an audio vlog okay cool um I know everyone has a podcast but I just think I'm so special because I do it seven days a week now and uh yeah I don't know why I'm saying that I'm embarrassed now should I restart this I don't think I'm so special I'm just saying if you're like why do you podcast every day it's like Jacqueline journals with by talking her shit out to herself alone and sometimes I've guessed sometimes I will but mostly it's me so if you're new I'm here seven days a week go

ahead and hit that subscribe button on the apple podcast app and head over to patreon.com slash tjms to support the show I do my shout outs at the end of the episode today all my patrons get a friday shout out and they get access to my exclusive content for patreon members only so go check it out and go over to youtube subscribe to my youtube channel i'll be resuming my monday through friday it's like a talk show podcast you know you see me during the week monday through friday i'm just sitting there in my little studio in san diego doing my thing so go check it out I'll be resuming that and follow me on Instagram at Jacqueline Monroe all right so here's why I cried here's why I'm I don't know okay guys so I feel like I want to talk about the lesson I learned

versus talking about the bullshit and like the the meaningless well it's not meaningless the I don't want to talk about the specific details of like what upset me and and shit because I feel like it's personal I don't want to bring my family into this and talk about them and um but the lesson I learned today or this the thing I brought up was it's cool because like every year I go I get older um Jacqueline that happens every year you do get older good job I learn that a couple things One thing, especially on this podcast, I've learned that, um, especially my curious mind wants to fucking save the world and come to the, come to the, like find the root cause of every issue and figure out a way to solve it.

Like my brain just wants to fucking fix everything I see that's wrong. And, and especially like I can get into rabbit holes, conspiracy theories. I can get deep with a lot of shit. and I learned this year I'm like a free bird Jacqueline like the older I get I'm like you can't you're not gonna just okay like relax you're not gonna do it just you know I don't know I get entertained by other people that talk about conspiracies and get into holes and shit but I don't like to do it myself because I just feel I don't know um so I learned that Jacqueline just take a step back pull the brakes on put the brakes on a little bit

stop trying to solve, stop trying to save the world. It's, you know, relax. So there is that lesson. I mean, I could list all the lessons, but let me talk about the lesson I learned tonight. When I was talking to my mom, I realized that Jacqueline, they didn't know this was bothering you. Jacqueline, you didn't say anything. No wonder they're like, they're like confused. you never told them Jacqueline bring it up if it if your feelings get hurt don't let them just hurt your feelings and not say anything so my new my new wave I don't know what the fuck I'm saying my new mission is telling my family members hey that doesn't feel good when you do that that hurts my feelings and um at this like I'm going through this personal what do you call it I'm in my

what's the word what kind of year would I describe I'm in mid-2020 so I went through depression hardcore early 2020 I mean like who didn't um and I was like not going out at the house for two weeks like sleeping all day like having negative thoughts constantly spiral all day long, woke up with a cloud, didn't have any motivation or ambition to do anything. Like it was dark. Okay. And I hadn't been that depressed probably ever. And I got help. My family came and visited me and then I got help, professional help. And since I'd say August, I've been doing like self-improvement, mental health therapy, you know, all the shit. So I'm at this really good place now where I've put in some work and um what am I circling this back to

basically shit I forgot how I'm gonna make this make sense ah shit uh basically a new so fuck I'm working on myself okay so my family knows that they've seen it they said wow Jacqueline since July you've made a drastic improvement everyone notices it and basically I set out I was like I made it up I verbalized it to everyone I am working on myself I'm gonna make some changes I'm getting help blah blah blah so they knew that and so what happened here was I've been alone for most of 2020 I you know in my apartment doing my thing and then I come home and I'm not used to the chatter and the commentary and the um it I didn't think I had such a thin fucking skin it's not that I'm insecure it's like or like I can't handle any

critique criticism input about my life and what I should be doing but I realized like it really got to me because I'm so I'm just building right now I'm in this phase of building so I noticed that my family was like saying little comments about me and stuff I'm doing in San Diego and my podcast and moving home potentially and um there's even some like personal stuff they had comments about um personality stuff that was kind of like shit I'm I think I'm okay I think I'm not fucking psycho I mean like in my eyes like I'm better than I feel like I'm pretty even you guys I hope you agree I know I go I know I get out there on the show sometimes but at my core Like I'm boring. I'm like, I'm just like, I'm not boring. Like I'm, I'm not, I put on the energy and the entertainment for the mic or on the mic. Cause I have to do this alone. I'm like carrying the audience through an hour of the podcast. Like I have to, sometimes I get out there and crazy, but basically they made me feel like I was like just little comments.

and I was assuming this is the problem I was assuming they were labeling me as like this I'll just say it bipolar yeah um which hurt my feelings and they were joking about it which they shouldn't because that's a serious thing but I was like questioning myself I'm like researching those characteristics I'm like no Jacqueline Jesus Christ I'm like I thought I was doing okay up until this fucking vacation up until Thanksgiving when I came home for a month I was like Jacqueline you're soaring girl everything's going well mental health up physical mental spiritual podcast yoga everything solid woo going home to see family woo and then I just started getting these little comments so basically what I learned is I gotta address it if it starts

to get under my skin instead of like never telling them because what happened is it all came to a head and I fucking went how would I say this I went passive-aggressive on my sister um I feel like rightfully so though in one situation maybe you guys would back me up on this hi Julia if you're listening I love you um we actually had a great heart-to-heart this morning and she's I like understand her a lot better now because she's kind of she's a lot more reserved than I am but I felt like damn it like she's okay I respect you 10 times more now after we had that talk but um hi are they coming in I don't know this could be a family therapy session my mom offered to get on the mic and I'm like no mom it'll get too emotional

why was I talking about Julia okay um shit damn I hate you guys I lose my train of thought it's it's nighttime this is my bedtime podcast uh she and I got into it this morning oh rightfully so like why did I get why did I go passive-aggressive well I don't like to get um immediate attention as soon as I wake up and my retainer still in you know what I mean like I don't want to chit chat but literally I go out into the kitchen to get some water I think it was like Tuesday morning and she's like what's your problem you know like that was the first question of the day and I just went over to her this is like probably bad or just rude I looked at her I grabbed my water I looked at her and I'm like

I don't want to talk to you and I didn't talk to her literally I haven't done this with her but there's other stuff that was like we have some stuff we worked out this morning finally but there's some other stuff where I was just like I'm fucking done girl like I can't handle this shit so I like went mute or just didn't really hang she like left all day that day so I didn't even see her but I didn't really see her yesterday either and we talked this morning she I I saw her on the couch when I came out this morning and this is how we this is my first cry I'll talk about my first cry this is with my sister this morning I walk out of the living room this morning and I got so pissed because I hadn't talked to her right and she

smiled at me and she's like sipping her coffee and I was like you bitch like you're being smug you're smirking. You're trying to like get under my skin. So I just kind of like said some shit to her. And then we ended up talking, which is really healthy. Cause, um, she's really like me and my mindset about like taking the, like how to communicate in a, just in a, how do I say this? like efficient way like how you're feeling instead of doing these it's like lazy to just spout off and clap back and or go mute and not talk you know that's like a lazy thing but to really tell someone like how you're feeling and work shit out is like a lot healthier obviously and um we were just talking about that and I was telling her about certain stuff she says that I don't like

and she's saying the same for me and we're like okay I won't do that I didn't know blah blah it was really great and she's even crying because like she felt bad about stuff and I was crying and then she's like oh my gosh like you know it was great and so uh do you guys like listening to family shit I feel like everyone has stuff like this happen but I was telling my mom tonight like we were sitting on the couch I'm like this like it's not that bad like the stuff we cried over today and got upset about was like not even that bad because I have a tendency to I can get really like how do I say this I can feel all the emotions at once and it feels worse than it is so I have to get perspective and

think no Jacqueline it's simple just tell people up front when it's when you're when you're not liking how they're treating you or what they're saying like just call them out and and I said we're gonna be like obnoxious about it for a little bit just so we can work on a relationship and get this you know part of it better but after a while it'll just be natural we'll know not to bring up certain or do certain things that trigger things we're trying to work on you know it's like not helpful for me to hear certain things right now at this point in my life and there's like stuff you guys don't even know which is not anything bad it's like stuff I'm working with my therapist on, and, like, you know what I mean, so, I don't know, basically,

yeah, I don't know, I feel boring, is this boring, ah, mental health podcast, family drama, happy fucking holidays, you're seeing your family, and people are crying podcast, but you know what, it was great, we all cried and hugged, and my mom at one point said, you're my favorite, so I got that out of her, I don't know if she's, you know, I feel like if I was a parent I'd have a favorite child anyways so then um had all these emotions my sister's like you know what Jacqueline you need to get out of the house because like I've been kind of cooped up here and hiding in my high school bedroom like a like a moody teenager like literally I just work in my bedroom all day and don't really go out because I was pissed at her so she's like you

know what Jacqueline let's go get Starbucks I have to do a return let's go do an errands let's get out of the house. And I'm like, I just ended up taking a little nap. I needed like an emotional nap to like come down from that. And I napped and like, I didn't eat all day. I literally had cheese and crackers for dinner. One of those days. Um, then shit, did she come home? My mom came home from her trip. She was in Charleston and Savannah. So she came home at like one and my sister and her went off and um they did some errands and shit and like my mom showed up and then she left and then i don't know i'm trying to think if i'm missing out on details i could talk about like stuff i watched i watched the joe rogan andrew schultz podcast

some of it today i oh i know well my sister you guys i got an i got an update that's not about the family convos and the crying today I did yoga yoga I did yoga outside got fresh air when my sister was doing errands and I love doing it outside like especially where my at my mom's house because it's borderline borderline raining out there's bird birds migrating all over the sky so like when I'm upside down doing a pose like I can see the birds and there's clouds moving fast and wind and leaves blowing and it's like this it's so fun and I was um that was probably the highlight of my day I think there's something to be said about let me talk about yoga yoga for yoga let me sit up Jacqueline don't lay down in your bed when you're a podcast host

I'm literally in my bed in my high school bedroom hi happy December at mom's house um hold on drink more water let me talk about yoga yoga why can't I say yoga okay it's crazy how I crave it now where if I don't get on my mat and it's like I don't know 8 p.m and I haven't been on it all day which is rare usually I'm doing it like my routine with yoga is pretty much every morning and night without question like I do it like I get on my mat and I flow like for minimum like 15 minutes to an hour and then maybe not even an hour maybe like 30 haven't been going that hard but and then sometimes around like the end of my work day

I'll go on the mat for an hour and do an actual class but I just love how I'm like called to it it's weird how like my body knows, like it just wants to stretch out and it wants to move. It wants to, it's a different craving than like, for example, lifting weights and like going to the gym and doing like a lifting routine. Cause I guess I don't think my body's ever really like called me to do that. Like craved it. I don't know how to explain it. Like my muscles aren't like go lift something. They're usually just like sore, like relax, you know, take a day off, bitch. Don't go lift anything right now you're sore or whatever I know like I would yeah but I don't know I just really like the yoga routine right now and I want to apply the same principles or the same

discipline I have for the podcast to yoga because it's kind of what is Joe Rogan say it's a martial yoga is martial arts against yourself is that what he calls it who said that or did he call did he call jujitsu martial arts? That is martial arts. I think he said yoga is martial arts against yourself. Yeah. There's something about it that is, you have to be, um, like there's a discipline about it. I really enjoy. And I think it balances me out in my energy because I'm like, I'm high energy. I'm out like spoken and woo, you know, like I can be really like just big and bold and obnoxious sometimes so I like that yoga makes me calm versus making my main exercise like I don't know fucking crossfit or some shit where I'm like

going hard and I don't know maybe I should release more energy maybe yoga is probably not enough of a release I don't guys I don't know I just feel good when I do it and I like being flexible and I like deep breathing and um I'm not really into by the way like I don't want to be I don't like to get into deep as shit I don't like all the something I don't like it I don't all the terminology and the spiritual like I don't know how to like the names of yoga like asana kundalini chaturanga like I don't know technical terms I just like move on my mat and I do classes on YouTube I'm like that works for me okay I'm just like not super I don't want to nerd out about nerd nerd out about the I don't know for some reason I get overwhelmed when I

start something new where I'm like I need to do baby steps I need to get consistent at this and if I over complicate it and learn all this shit and do and read books about it and go in too deep I'm going to be, I'm going to feel like I'm making it too big of a deal and too much of a thing. I have this, I don't know if it's like a quirk I have. I need everything to be like brushing, brushing my teeth. Does that make sense? Like I don't question that in the morning. I'm like, Oh, first thing I do in the morning. Oh, I brush my teeth with yoga. It's like, Oh, I just get on my mat and I move and I don't over complicate it. Think about it. I don't read about it I don't watch videos about it really I just like go and do it okay same with podcasting like

I don't show up with a fucking script and like oh this is what I'm gonna do today like I have it in my head a little bit but I don't over complicate this because my goals should be consistent and uh yeah I just want to apply that discipline the podcast thing doing every day to yoga and it's a good compliment to my life and uh I can do it anywhere and I love doing it back in my apartment in San Diego. So yeah. You guys might see some yoga content at some point on the gram again. I used to post yoga shit sometimes and I haven't done it in a while. I don't know. I feel strong. I like how I feel connected to my, like my core feels really strong and cool. All right. We're talking about yoga instead of crying. Who's bored? Wait, did I just get a text? Who just

texted me out of nowhere. I got a K from my sister. I told her to turn down the TV. Oh, did I tell you? I said, we're watching, or my mom and my sister out there are watching the, uh, fitness, the Olympia bodybuilding championship or whatever. So I think it's in Miami. I think it's live. I think it's tonight. Well, it's Friday. Okay. So let's cut to the chase. I talked to my mom my mom and sister were doing errands they came home and then um I'll be honest guys I'll just be honest how do I say this um I was kind of ignoring my mom because I wanted her to come to me because I was like you have some explaining to do kind of like you guys I don't want to say details but I was just like I need for once you to break the ice because I feel like I'm

always the one to say hey let's work on this let's talk about it you know I usually do that and I'm like I was being stubborn so I'm in my room working and she comes in she's like are are we talking or are you not talking to me or I'm like I was just in shock I'm like you have you don't have anything to say to me you owe me an apology mom like what like I was just like are you like I didn't say that but I was just like oh my god like I kind of was being stubborn and then she came and sat down in my in my room and we talked for a really long time about every detail of everything and I got I cried hard I got emotional I was bringing up shit from two and a half years ago I was talking about um life shit with her uh our relationship the dynamics the

the ups the downs we've been through the um you know and at the end of the day I apologize I took accountability for some of the shit I was doing wrong with her in the relationship and one of the things is I tolerate things just I don't I'm I don't know how to say it a lot of times I go oh mom it's like I give my mom a pass and I and I say this about um my generation and the disrespect a lot of the disrespect towards older generations I see especially with people on social media popping off like oh okay boomer or whatever and I have a lot of um I guess I don't have the words empathy but a lot of times it's like look they were raised different than we were they didn't have access to all this information we have now I mean they do now so maybe they could

get with it like I don't know what else to say but I have empathy I'm like look my brain is still forming theirs is kind of formed and it's thinking how it wants to think you know I can't be so um, I, I don't, I usually let shit roll off my back easily. Like, especially with my mom and my other, my dad, because I'm like, they're just, that's how they think. And I can't fault them for that so much. It's like, I have to respect that they, you know, they have, they've lived life. They think what they think, you know, I can't be. So when I don't take the, what my point of my point about letting it roll off my back is, Oh, I don't take it so personal. So a lot of times I hear them say stuff and I just go oh you know whatever just mom being mom and she cares it's

always rooted and she cares about me she loves me and she wants what's best for me but I feel like with a lot of parents sometimes their delivery sucks and that's kind of what we worked on we worked out tonight and um I apologize I just said like my problem the thing I haven't been doing which is not helping the relationship is addressing when those things start to upset me over time it's Like I'm, it, it gets under my skin and it really makes me have my, I feel like my, I end up questioning my behavior and my choices in life and what I'm doing. Cause I feel like I'm not doing what you want me to do and shit like that. Just by your commentary, that's so subtle and you don't mean harm.

You're trying to like, for a stupid example is, um, I keep getting comments about moving home like Jacqueline you know you can always come move back in with me and you know live for free and you know the world's changing are you you know are you sure about San Diego is it really where you want to be and are you happy and I just end up going dude wait no I don't want to move home I'm fine I love where I live I'm living my dream life like everything's fucking amazing where and I love it and I feel a guilt, then I feel that I'm assuming that she doesn't approve of my life down there, which is not true. She definitely does. Or she doesn't think I'm a family-oriented person because I left the entire family in Washington. And then I start assuming

and then I go. So over time, while I'm letting that roll off my back, I'm literally overanalyzing everything which is hi I'm a girl I over I overthink am I just labeling is that do guys overthink I don't know I think it's also me overthinking that is rooted in trying to please my parent and that's like a a default to that a lot of the times and it's subconscious I don't even think about it it's just like in my it's like a habit it's like a what's the word condition conditioning classical train I'm like a trained dog mom says this obey do not disrespect do not disagree um with that being said I'm catching myself now where I'm like stop assuming shit Jacqueline it's not just she means well instead of thinking she means harm just understand she at

her core means well and there's other things I told her I like put it we were literally in a fun way I was like building a cake I was building layers of the cake and I made 10 layers and each layer was a comment or a subject or a scenario we've been through since I've been home that hasn't been helpful and it's really kind of it's pushed me it's kind of set my mental health back a little bit and it's nothing like I said she doesn't mean harm but I haven't said anything while this is happening until today and so I said mom if you we took all these layers away and this didn't exist I'm Jacqueline before Thanksgiving coming home soaring like an eagle work on working on myself doing amazing coming home and if all these things weren't really part of and it's not

that I don't want to hear uh advice and feedback and stuff but I'm at this point where in order for me to stay on my grind and stay focused on what I'm working on right now, I got to eliminate anything that questions or suggests something else that might be better or whatever, because I have got it locked in. And so I think I have to protect that right now. And in order for me to be successful, I have to protect that and I have to set up some little boundaries. and it sounds stupid I'm like a little kid I'm like or not like a little kid I'm just like I can't just it's not helpful when you say those things please don't say it okay anyways um but I cried a lot I cried I felt bad she cried um that was probably the most beautiful

conversation we've had uh ever and we always reference like this is a conversation I will reference in the future with my mom where I'll remember it and I'll compliment her for like like for example I thanked my sister I owe her a lot for calling me out on my bullshit bullshit this summer when she visited me and that's really when I made a change and I just like got my I I was like Jacqueline you're a depressed piece of shit I mean I'm not a piece of shit but I was like a mess I was depressed I had no trajectory I'm like unemployed COVID-19 isolation pandemic unprecedented times quarantine moved moved moved into a new apartment by myself no friends new city uh well not really a new city I just moved closer to the city uh

I'm like fuck Jacqueline figure it out get your so my sister was like the little slap in my face or like the kick in the ass whatever you call it to get me going and then my mom tonight I think instead of making it and this is the maturity I have now that I didn't have in the past instead of making it all about what she did to me and what she said to me and how how much it hurt me instead of making it that I made it um I allow you to say like these things when you don't mean harm and you never meant harm or were trying to change me or make me move home or fix me or anything. And, um, I'm at, I'm at, I'm at fault. I allow, I enable that to happen because I never say anything. So that's a man. That's something, you know, not to toot my own

horn, but I couldn't do that probably, I don't know, a year or two ago. I'm all about my new shit, let me drink some water, excuse me, let me take a sip, I just like, my new favorite thing to do, or just, it makes my life less chaotic, and I guess it's like the ego thing, Like, I don't let my ego get the best of me and rule my life and literally ruin my life because I feel like your ego will ruin your life if you don't check it. I just love being super honest and vulnerable and willing to accept my faults and my wrongdoings and the behaviors I need to correct and like little things. Because I don't want to be stubborn. I don't want to have the same issues year after year after year and never think anything's wrong with me. and I need that and that I'm a perfect person because we're all we're no one's a perfect person

we're all flawed and I think it's frustrating when you're in a family and I don't want to be that family member who's stubborn and never changes and like you know what I mean so I'm just realizing that oh shit that's like a freedom thing like you just put it out there and it's like release hey mom I'm working on this you're right I'll change that I'll fix that yep set that boundary. We'll talk this out. We'll hug it out. Same with my sister. Okay. And now I know I won't say that you won't say, okay, cool. And then, and then at the root of it, I do that because of X, Y, and Z. And this is the behavior. Like this is the problem I have. So I don't know. Do you guys do that? Are you a little stubborn pieces of shit? I think everyone's a stubborn piece of

shit sometimes it's hard to admit that you're wrong but I want to do that for I just the it's kind of like what I learned when I started the show like the second I it clicked for me that oh being raw real honest open sharing your life story not caring about how good you sound on a podcast or what the content really is, but you're just doing it and you're being yourself a hundred percent without, um, overthinking it and trying hard. I'm like, wow, this is freedom. This is what it means to be a content creator on the internet who is just like flowing. There isn't any like the gap. I basically, what I did is I closed the gap with this podcast between who I am on social media, what existed before and who I am on the show. Like I close that gap

with this show. It's so consistent. Oh no, excuse me. Who I am in person. Why did I say on Instagram or on social media, who I am in person and how I exist online. I close that gap with this show. Does that make sense? So I think people that can do that, the closer you appear in person and your personality and everything you put online, the closer that is to, to, um, the realer you are. Okay. Jacqueline, clearly the realer you, okay. Fuck. I was like, I'm in bed. I'm podcasting. I'm tired of shit. I don't know what I was saying by that. Just like, don't be a fake bitch online and then like be something else in person. Um, so I learned that, but then I also learned that just airing out your shit, your dirty laundry,

just saying hey or is that the term I don't know talk about what you suck at and what you want to work on and if other and if you tell a couple people it feels good it's nice to not let your ego like the what the ego does and what it did to me in the past was I wouldn't want anyone to know I keep it to myself I would be ashamed and shy if anyone knew that like for example if you know you're being a little shithead and you're being a jackass to a family member and they call you out on it and you're stubborn you're like no I didn't do anything wrong I'm nice to you what are you talking about if you that's that's like horrible it's annoying for your family if that's how you are and annoying it's just not healthy but the second you admit fault or you admit you're wrong

and just kind of go yeah I'm not I yeah you're right I wasn't that nice to you I'm sorry like that kind of shit it sounds so childish but it literally it's so it's so freeing I feel like you know what I just like it's like a weight off my chest I just feel better so there's your little life advice I don't know dude what's happening in the world should I check my phone I'm done I'm done talking about crying and shit but I'll be honest my eyes still hurt or nothing they don't hurt what's the feeling they're like you if you saw me right now in person you could see that I was crying does that make sense like they're kind of like red my eyes are kind of like veiny no wait how do I explain it um it isn't crying like not attract wait I heard that

and this is why I'm terrified of crying in front of a man like I'm not terrified like okay that sounds dramatic but when a man sees a woman cry it like does something where he there's like a chemical that it releases and he, it becomes like a unattractive, he shouldn't be there thing or something like that. I don't know how to explain it. What the, let me just Google it. When a man sees a woman cry. Let me type that in. I know there's something to it. When a man sees a woman cry. When a man sees a woman cry. It's like a song, I think. What guys think when they see a crying i need to not glamour.com i need a fucking science science here we go oh my god this is called her wait should you quora what do men think when women cry we could do like a a thread

or here's the scientific american.com her tears will control your mind oh it affects their sex drive wait let me just read this because it's science and i think you guys need the science over the the chat room thread thing okay okay her tears will control your mind a mysterious substance in a woman's tears subtly affects the male sex drive that's what i heard so like yeah okay some time ago women in solitude cried into vials their tears were special they held a chemical whisper that could rob desire from men that's fucking crazy though this sounds like some kind of fairy tale it's in fact the description of a fascinating and important experiment by gnome sobel's lab at the weisman institute of science in israel

oh my god using a combination of brain scanning and other testing these researchers have shown that women's tears contain a compound that covertly that covertly inhibits sexual desire in men okay i want to see what happens when they see you cry this is about the tears themselves and that's interesting i could keep reading what's the conclusion here in conclusion where's the last paragraph amazingly this sleeping okay i don't like this article um let's read the thread here. What do you men think when women cry? First thought, oh shit, what's wrong? Okay, obviously. No, but I think all it is, I think the answer I was looking for is it like affects

men's sex drive if you cry in front of them. Like it does something, like a chemical releases, I don't know. I think I heard that from Bill Nye the science guy one time. He probably didn't say that. I don't know where I thought of that. Um, no tears left to cry. Great Ariana Grande song. Is she putting out a show or something? I got to talk about what I want to watch. There's some good content coming out. Andrew Schultz, Schultz saves America. Is that his Netflix show? Wait, Schultz. I really like that guy. I'm a, I'm one of the boys. You know what I mean like I listen to I'm not one of the boys I just watch the thing is when you watch enough Joe Rogan over time you start following and listening to his guest podcast so like

Andrew Schultz was on Rogan and then I saw they did a special come out and I was like oh well I'm gonna watch that and I've already followed Andrew for a long time and then I felt like all the other comedians and all the people he interviews like I'm in the Lex Friedman fucking Eric Weinstein Weinstein like I'm in the club you know what I mean like I know who all these people are and I I just like pay attention to their shit and their their movies and specials that come out so anyways I'm excited to watch I'm gonna watch uh Andrew I'm gonna watch Schultz Schultz save America saves America Andrew Schultz he's a smart dude funny smart dude um yeah Schultz saves America I'm gonna watch that and then um damn it what was the other thing I forgot my train of

thought dude brain cells out the window I think all the tears does crying make you brain dead might what was the other thing I was gonna watch damn it Andrew Schultz is there something else Christmas movie maybe no fuck football Sunday obviously um I can't remember I to know what else I was gonna watch damn it like I'm really frustrated with myself right now what could I watch on Netflix um I'm really actually I'm annoyed I had another movie I was gonna watch to tell you guys and I can't remember okay um happy Friday I could end this now um that was kind of a dump so I'm sorry for unloading all that on you I I know that's I don't know if it was cohesive I don't know what I said I kind of blacked out when I talked about that

but you know at the end of the day we're all human we're all human um I hate saying shit like warm and fuzzy stuff like that but I don't I don't feel weird about talking about family drama and issues and arguments and crying and because I think it's part of life and we all do it and you know I I think what I'm what I'm coming to with my show my brand is just like we're on a phone call I'm just I'm like hi friend this is what happened I cried with my mom but like I'm just being that and I don't know like literally by default the fact I do this every day my daily life and like what happens is each day is going to come up on the show like I can't avoid it because I could I could do a podcast seven days

a week and each day would be like a specific topic and I could get really organized with it but for some reason I just like selfishly like for now I just like to talk it out and work on myself and my mental health shit and my problem like just bring up stuff on the show that's probably relatable honestly you know what I mean like I feel like if you're listening you probably relate to me in some way so I feel like it's helpful or it's it's therapeutic I don't know there could be worse shit I could have to deal with you know and like I could talk about my childhood I could talk about some of the crazy ass SHIT that I've been through that I haven't even scratched scratched the surface on like I haven't talked about like there's a whole like

I think I hesitate because I don't like to get I don't like to talk about the past and I don't like to think about it and stew about it and it it's not important like I I don't want to focus on that and make it my and talk like share my story about that I kind of want to keep it private but it's something horrible like it's something crazy but I I did not have like I think a misconception and you know I get every now and then I get like the random dm about that I've I'm, you know, privileged, white privilege. I have it so good. Like someone will come at me and just like, um, think I'm this spoiled, rotten, rich bitch. Who's, you know, whatever, but you know what? You only know, you know, my name, you don't know my story. You know what I

mean? I got some fucking shit on my resume of life. Like I'm not, it's not squeaky clean. Like I've, I've seen hard times. I've seen sweet times. I've seen it all. And so, um, fortunately nothing, um, how would I say this without saying any specifics, like nothing dark or, um, well, yeah, I can't say nothing dark necessarily, just nothing like tragic. You know I could have lost a family member like that would have been a tragedy I think that'd be a worse trauma than what I went through or something like awful happening like that but um it was more like just you know family parents drama you know a lot of a lot of yelling and screaming and shit so yeah I'm trying to tread lightly here because I don't know what I should or should not say

did I do this for an hour are they done watching the Olympia should I check the news I don't know we're hanging out now I'm just looking at my email check an email check an email on a Friday night it's 9 49 p.m I kind of have a headache it's not good Jacqueline don't have a headache I don't I don't take anything when I have headaches because they don't believe in it but i eat french fries from mcdonald's how does that make sense i won't take a tylenol but i'll down a chemical in a french fry bitch who do you think you are i don't know if i want to check the news should i i just feel like i want to look at the stimmy

check is it going to be stimulus bill they're saying it's going to be 600 600 i saw a tweet that was like it's funny how rich people think 600 is a lot of money to poor people like that's what they're offering they're gonna do for the stimulus check uh that's a that's a bag of groceries at costco bitch 600 bucks that's a bag of groceries at costco what are you doing um what news site do i trust here it's a 900 billion dollar relief package Washington Post um I don't think anything passed oh I heard they're going to go on a government shutdown for two days because they ran out of money apparently and so they just tried to sign something today that would extend it they would like and work until

the 20th so they could pass the stimulus stimulus bill the Christmas miracle package the Christmas miracle i guys the cherry on top think about this the cherry on top of 2020 will be congress passes the fucking stimulus bill everyone gets a stimulus check happy fucking christ merry fucking christmas happy new year i don't know there's something kind of symbolic about them giving us money at the very end of this year like if it if it doesn't happen and we have to wait till like the end of January. It won't feel as like, like the ending of a movie as it should be. It's just like the movie ends the 31st this year. You know what I mean? Guys, wait till we brand, wait till we start branding 2021. Like bitching about 2021. 2021, what are we going to say? 2021. It's like

hard to say 2020 2020 like it's gonna become its own brand like 2020 did but it'll be like either worse or it'll have like a different vibe to it um I don't know I'm excited for that kind of shit to come out like tweets memes vaccines you know what did I see someone tweet about the vaccine oh wait wait what did i see a tweet it was like bitch you're scared of getting covid but you won't wait something about covid and the vaccine like being scared of one or the other wait i gotta look at this i don't know we're hanging out twitter.com bitch enter do do do do do what's happening twitter says what's happening i'm gonna say i'm podcasting live right now i'm not gonna say that. News for you, FDA approves Moderna's COVID-19 vaccine for emergency use in the

US. Goddamn. Congratulations, the Moderna vaccine is now available, Trump says. Rihanna posted a thirst trap. Hot damn. A girl tweeted, why do I feel so ugly lately? Why? Can't relate. the best stimulus question mark a job period that's a great tweet a job oh by the way shout out dave portnoy and the barstool fund for the uh small businesses in new york funding funded them getting them getting them through the holidays you know supporting them that's going to be awesome to watch you know is he on fox news he is on fox news anyways i'm just reading tweets i'm hanging out doing my own thing

picture people fishing what's this dude escasia or tez cortez how do i say her name rubs me the wrong way wait how do i say her name a scottia a scott a o c it's easier to just type in aoc alexandria oscasio court ocasio am i canceled for um being rude and fucking this up alexandria ocasio cortez ocasio ocasio just kind of rubs me the wrong way i don't know much about her what she's up to but i just kind of like get a vibe that i'm not really stoked on um i'm sniffing out socialism socialism underneath all this literally I just scroll through the tweets and I'm like oh okay socialism I see see what we're doing here

that doesn't work with people who have a mortgage honey sorry it's not gonna work a lot of it's not gonna work for a lot of people did you guys ask you wait third stimulus check is going to be 300 a 300 venmo request from nancy pelosi i love twitter uh i can make this a three-hour podcast and scroll twitter for the next i could just like end my night hanging out my bed reading twitter and just you know what i mean like this is the end of the podcast. Just, I don't know. Is this Mike Pence getting a, a vaccine? This is the nudist Mike Pence has ever been. His, uh, he has short sleeves. It's a well-spoken

man. Do you guys see that debate against Kamala? Kamala? He's a well-spoken man or just like he carries himself well um okay okay um Lil Nas okay tweeting everyone's tweeting I don't tweet I just read tweets sometimes I tweet should I read my tweets nah I'm embarrassed by them actually I actually thought of this morning I had this paranoid thought where I was like I don't like my brand on Twitter I feel like I'm trying to well it's you know I've never changed the thing is I got Twitter in 2009 I started popping off I think senior senior year of high school I started tweeting a lot and I really haven't changed my style and like the shit I say in a long time it's always been the same so I'm like you know what just roll with it

cashews are mini croissants great tweet literally all I did this weekend was vacuum up oh shit I'm gonna read my tweets November 15th literally all I did this weekend was vacuum up rat shit in my apartment and watch football marry me

let's normalize arm slings let's normalize wearing arm slings on days we feel like doing less okay I thought it was cool for saying this make disagreeing with people an interesting conversation again a great way to bond with friends yeah can't disagree with anyone these days you just you can't you can't do it i wrote here's during the election times obviously i said it seems like unless you're anything but a progressive liberal you're an extremist on the right and that's not true

if you want this is all during the election if you want to be a better america if you want america to be better be a better american i didn't even copy that i came out of that that came out of my brain cells if you want to be if you want america to be better be a better american that kind of rolls off the tongue next tweet past my bedtime buying shit on amazon like it's a professional sport uh this if trump's re-elected that means i have to wait another four years for him to do stand-up comedy goddamn he'd be great at it he needs an audience like i think i was listening to the rogan pod yeah the rogan podcast last night was okay jocelyn joe rogan said just quote quote it that trump should do a podcast then he said he's gonna need an audience though

like he needs a live audience next week all i do on sunday is over caffeinate and lay on my back who do I think I am I think I'm so special I'm being boring as fuck I am in bed on a Friday night half asleep laying back reading my own tweets is this I'm full of I'm full of shit but I'm I'm having fun I haven't read my tweets in a while uh I tried to tie the I okay daylight savings just slowed the year down I tweeted that I wrote changes to our circadian rhythm weakens our immune system all caps does daylight savings make us sick like i tried to make an argument that the government moving our clock is fucking up our immune system because of our okay that's a reach but i tried um oh i believe in this i could have i could have done a whole

segment on this i realized the moment the i wrote the moment the ig algorithm replaced chronological posts posts nothing on the internet has been the same i went and found the date instagram switches its feed from chronological to algorithmically driven best posts firsts first algorithmically driven best post first was march 15th 2016 so that rolled out that's when it that's when you wouldn't scroll Instagram and see the chronological, like what just posted the, it didn't come in real time anymore. It came through an algorithm. I feel like every other social media platform adopted something similar after

that, like Facebook, Twitter, everything got an algorithm. Everything on like Google got an algorithm. like everything's been algorithmized you know ever since that drop of on Instagram I feel like nothing has been the same you don't everything's like suggestions and sponsored ads and algorithms and that was in 2016 so I nerded out and wrote something about that watching podcasts on youtube makes me feel like i have a social life october 20th goddamn watching podcasts on youtube makes me feel like i have a social life how depressing is that i wrote trump doesn't like wind because it blows his hair off that was during the debate

trump doesn't like wind because it blows his hair off he's talking about like wind energy or some it. Watch the Rogan Kanye episode and tweeted, Kanye is pure-hearted as fuck. Football players are so hot, WTF. Tweeted that. Next tweet, October 6th, if your Instagram aesthetic has the same tones as a bowl of oatmeal, I'm out. Yeah, I don't like a theme that looks like oatmeal or like, okay. Why is it? Let's unpack this. Am I triggered by nice aesthetics on Instagram? Because I'm jealous that people are better. Like they're, I'm not jealous though. It's just like annoying. I'm like, you, I don't, I just don't like it when, and I know it's all about art and expression and branding okay like I get it but sometimes I'm like

I don't like I don't like it when people look like they try really hard like I don't know if you guys noticed this recently on Instagram I just like post like the most I don't know I don't even care what I post I just like post random shit I don't even like it's not aesthetic there aren't really like colorful filters going where I'm like making a theme but yeah anyways I tweeted that if your Instagram aesthetic has the same tones of as a bowl of oatmeal I'm out jeez I'm fucking what's the word I'm like angsty Jesus I'm so I'm literally this is the tweet next tweet speaking of angsty everything about social media is losing its luster. Nothing is impressive or interesting parentheses to me

anymore. I'm unimpressed. Yeah. I'll say this about, um, you know, I grew up watching the OG YouTube shit. I saw Logan Paul come up and his boys and his gang and all that, you know, Maverick and team 10 over you know Jake Paul like I saw all that like PewDiePie uh just who are the basketball guys throwing basketballs Jenna Marbles like Shane I like I've been there since the beginning so now I'm watching the TikTok like I'm watching from a distance don't think I'm like actually sit in there I don't watch like Dixie D'Amelio and YouTube videos of hers like I don't sit and watch that but I see it on the suggested stuff like it's part of like I see it every now and then I'm like all the like hypey pranky funny like the sway boys doing their sway stuff like

I think I think I've matured what's the word I've aged up I've matured out of it where I like don't get entertained by um kind of like immature it's kind of immature like stupid shit on YouTube and the internet anymore I'm just like especially pranky stuff like sketches on Instagram that are cheesy that aren't even funny like I don't know I'm not I kind of I've like burned out of it I feel like it's been all been done um like the vine days are gone you know and so now I feel like what's happened is Jacqueline you're growing up this is what sucks about not sucks about growing up is like well Jacqueline the young kids love it because they're growing up with it right now it's crazy how like a decade

has gone by of social media and like kids 10 years younger than me are like just experiencing this stuff I first experienced, like, they're, I don't, you know what I mean, so, I don't know, I'm kind of, like, Jacqueline, grow up, you're 26, you don't need to watch these 18-year-olds TikTok dance and do shit on YouTube, like, who cares, um, I'm a big kid now, all right, what was I just looking at, tweets, I'll read a couple more tweets, and I'll, I'll wrap this up, I gotta make, I don't know, I need, like, ice water, guys I was just picking you guys ever just like this is I have cute my toes are cute okay I'm just like putting my fingers between my pinky toe just resting it there like why am I doing that

but anyways I need ice water I feel like I need to go do some stretches or some shit I don't know I just feel like, eh, I don't know. I'm sick of wearing a diaper on my face. September 21st. Okay. Oh, this is cute. I've made 13 podcasts in 13 days in a row. Wait, I've made 13 podcasts 13 days in a row.

Holy shit. Wow. It's been a journey. What is today, 106? Geez. Next tweet. Influencers are good at regurgitating obvious information. I love when influencers tell me about drinking water. It's like, bitch, my mom taught me that when I was two. Um, literally I tweeted that. I didn't even know I tweeted that. Dude, stop telling me how to wake up and drink water and start my day. I learned

my warning routine when I was two. I'm angsty. Here's the thing I don't like. I don't like unnecessary bullshit. I don't like filler. I don't like just dumb, useless, like garbage. I don't like to see it. I don't like to follow it, read it. I just don't. to me it's just like a lack of self-awareness like no one reflects on the fact that they're like i'm using the waters an example like i just think it's over people take shit just like it's like religious like hi i wake up i drink 32 ounces exactly and then i did it like this much water like i don't know i don't make anything that serious and that deep you know I don't want to waste I'm like trying to my new thing is

working off therapists with this like um there's stuff that I like need to unlearn certain patterns and like thought processes that I need to work on not like that I've been stuck in these cycles with for a long time that I'm trying to unlearn and I feel like the less bullshit in my brain the better I can just think about other I can just like not have to think about stuff all day long like to have to think about my water intake all day long would suck I just drink a fuck I literally I have a blender bottle with me at all times here at home I probably drink 14 of these a day that's what like two gallons I don't know do you know what I mean does it annoy you like it annoys me why does it annoy me

i don't know okay um wait did i tweet use your voice before i had a podcast no i did i tweeted september 9th use your voice oh california wildfires holy shit that was back in september 8th why did i retweet gavin newsom bitch why did i retweet him unretweet no honey he was taught he tweeted about the rescue the helicopter rescue which is very uh majestic to watch that rescue mission all right oh god i've talked about this before i drive 30 minutes to a laundromat that accepts cards because it's 2020 and fuck collecting quarters yeah um um show me an organized ross shoe section september 8th

i want to influence influencers who the fuck do i why did i tweet that should i delete that i want to influence influencers uh okay zoom call set design is key i used a key emoji oh now i'm sad mac miller rep i like retweeted a thread of him smiling fucks it still fucks me up only it's weird like the older you get and more people die you're just like it doesn't seem real like i'm still fucked up by joan rivers dying that really took me back i still i still remember going to the grocery store and seeing kanye west's mom died like that on the the front of the magazine like I still remember that and I didn't even like Kanye that much I just remember that sad story like I remember dude I remember okay when Michael Jackson died what was it June

it's like June 6 or something 2000 I'm gonna get this close oh no I know it was June when did Michael Jackson die we're hanging out Michael Jackson died does anyone listen like this far in michael jackson die june 25th okay i remember i remember i tweeted i was in high school i think i was a freshman 2009 i would have been a freshman um i remember i tweeted no excuse me i texted on my little i think i had a voyager lg voyager phone from verizon yeah i did i texted like every one of my friends I knew I just texted even random like boys I liked I'm like this is a way I can talk to people I was just like hyperventilating like oh my god he died but then I'm like I just like texted people that he died is that weird I was probably so weird people that read

that were like Jacqueline what the fuck I like who are you what's who is this who's this I love that and you don't they don't save your number I do that all the time though I like never you have to be someone special for me to save your number honestly or I don't save it it's got to be like and then if you text me I never know who if someone says what's up I never know who it is if I don't save their number and I just like I don't know don't respond ah don't check I just don't um oh my god guys pistachios are land clams pistachios are land clams great tweet I took a picture of me holding some pistachios I mean just look at a pistachio it's a land clam they look exact I even posted a picture of a steamer clam on a barbecue

i read the resemblance is resemblance is uncanny i cannot see it i don't know why does my brain do shit like that i just see stuff and i'm like oh pistachio land clam oh cashew mini croissant same mouthfeel same texture same thing it's literally a mini croissant i have a wild imagination i don't know where it comes from oh golden retriever video did you guys see the video of the golden retriever sliding down it was like on ice on a hill it was so cute I love it all right I'm gonna call it there I'm gonna call it I think that was an hour I don't know why I'm trying to push myself to do an hour now like I thought oh I'm gonna check and make this short and sweet and here I am I was talking

about crying and then I'm like reading tweets I don't know what happened thanks for hanging out um stick around if you're a patron once again you can go over to patreon.com slash tjms to support the show and to get access to my exclusive patreon only content and like I said everyone gets a shout out on Friday episodes at the end so stick around if you're a patron and you can head over to the apple podcast app if you like today's episode if you cried with me um go ahead and leave a review it helps me out and uh yeah one through five stars I don't know just pick a number submit it it's easy yeah leave me a review and then follow me on Instagram at Jacqueline Rowe and subscribe I'm really like going all over the map here go over to YouTube

and subscribe to my YouTube channel I'll be resuming Monday through Friday in January back in my studio in San Diego when I go home, which will be a lot of fun. I really miss it. I miss being on camera. I miss like the routine of that. So check it out. And anyways, I hope you guys are doing well. I hope you're happy. I hope you're fulfilled and I hope your family's doing well and you're, I hope you're just hanging in there. I love telling people that in 2020. how you hanging in there I hope you're doing well I hope you're hanging in there and uh yeah I'll talk to you guys tomorrow I'm gonna do a Q&A for Saturday all right love you guys bye all right today's patreon.com slash tjms patron shout outs thank you guys so much

you know who you are these shout outs go out to ricky jensen hi ricky thanks for your support it means a lot to me I really appreciate you next shout out goes to Trevor Garrett thank you Trevor for your support it means a lot and I'm repeating the same shit I I really appreciate you I do I know I'm repeating what I just said to Ricky but I do mean it for you too okay I don't know how else I don't want to sound fake I'm trying to be as genuine as fucking excuse me I shouldn't swear should I redo this segment I'm trying to be as genuine as possible here. Thank you for your support. And, uh, next up we have Eagle one, Eagle one. Thank you for your support. It means a lot to me. Appreciate you. And finally, why am I pausing? Ozzy, Ozzy,

Ozzy. Thank you for your support. It means a lot to me. I really appreciate you. Now guys, you do realize I do this seven days a week. It's my dream. I love this. And I can't tell you how much your support means to me. I hope you're liking the show. I know it's been, uh, I don't know. It's been like a night lately. It's not the same vibes back in my, you know, apartment in the morning, coming off a workout, like a normal day, but you know what? I don't know. I'm chilling. I'm having fun. Hope you guys are doing well. I hope you're happy. And, um, yeah, thanks for all the support and I will shout you out next Friday and I'll talk to you tomorrow. I don't know what else to say. You guys know the drill. Talk to you tomorrow. All right. Bye.