The Jacqueline Monroe Show - 107- Misunderstood

Episode Date: December 20, 2020

Happy Saturday!! <3 Patreon.com/TJMS https://soundcloud.com/robmonmusic

What's up, guys? Happy Saturday. It's episode 107. Welcome back to the show! hey guys what's up it's Jacqueline happy Saturday welcome back to the show if you're new I'm here seven days a week go ahead and hit that subscribe button on the apple podcast app and if you want more content from me you can head over to patreon.com slash tjms to support the show and get access to my patreon only content content I make over there so check it out and you can follow me on instagram at jacqueline monroe and subscribe to my youtube channel uh just jacqueline monroe on youtube i'll be resuming in january monday through friday for my video episodes uh cool all right so jacqueline's in her bed i'm still in washington i'm sitting here and

guys you know like i said i do this seven days a week and yesterday thank you by the way for your messages and your kind words uh this is what i love about the show i talk about my life You guys know everything, which is what I, I mean, that's what I signed up for. I kind of went out blind and now I'm seeing, okay, it's turning into an intimate relationship with my listeners. They're highly involved and they pay attention. So I want to thank you for your nice messages. Let's just say this.

Today was worse than yesterday. Okay. You know what? Let me sip some tea. I'm going to make sure I sip it hot tonight instead of letting it go cold like I always do. Today was worse than yesterday. Basically, I'm going to tread lightly here, but I want to say that one of the most unfortunate or just one of the lessons I've learned about life since I've been home is that I think when you're a little girl and you're in a family, you have an expectation or an assumption that, um, you know, things will kind of always be the

same or kind of the relationships will kind of always be good and there won't be any, you know, crazy messy shit happen ever. And I think that was the assumption when I was younger. I never expected to be in my twenties and have in butt heads with family here and there. And I'm just being really honest. I hope this helps someone out there who might have, um, you know, family shit. And I think it's like, uh, the thing I'm struggling with, like I said, I'm going to tread lightly. This is not a name drop podcast. You're not going to hear details about specific family members, anything. It's not part of the point of me saying this. I think that I've learned, uh, that maybe the route I'm going to take in my life. Isn't what I anticipated, you know, as a young

kid, I think I might have to set some boundaries and, um, you know, kind of do some distancing and, um, do some deep work on myself to kind of resolve some of my personal, uh, I guess my personal, I guess my, it's a lot of unlearning I have to do. Let me just kind of cut to the chase here. I feel like, unfortunately, the way I see myself and the way I feel like my friends do and maybe you guys, because I feel like I've been good lately. I'm like, everything's fucking great. You know, I'm, I got all my ducks in a row by the end of 2020. I feel like it took me all year to finally get out of my depression, work on myself, you know, pull myself together with my job, my new hobby podcasting I love this I felt great and for some reason here I've been home for

a few weeks now and I'm really low and I guess I don't I'm not going to place blame I don't want to allow other people to make me feel bad I don't want to get like give them that power and energy but the truth of the matter is I think we're all human and you can probably relate to this sometimes there are people in your life that are not healthy for you to live around and be with and I'm having that unfortunate realization now in my 20s that I didn't anticipate this as a little girl I never thought this would happen but wow we've people grow up and they change and my sadness is that I feel like I'm not perceived or looked at as who I truly am by people that I love the most. And it's, it's a struggle I'm going through right now. And yeah, I'm just trying to

be honest with you guys. I'm going to do a Q&A part to lighten the mood, by the way, like in five minutes, but I just have to kind of tell you what's up. I'm being just strong about it. I think the good news is and I'll credit my I'll credit my family to this and by family you guys don't know if I'm talking about aunts uncles cousins brothers sisters like I'm not being specific I'm not narrowing it down to anyone you guys will never hear me say that that's not who I am I will never like rat people out throw talk shit about ever okay and I'm that is my um in fact I love everyone I love everyone for our difference of opinion but what's hurting me currently is just the um I guess the mischaracterization or the misjudgment of um and and that that might be part

of my fault and I'm willing to admit that I might have a flaw in my personality where I'm not translating my you know purse who I am correctly I don't know and again I think what's happened though unfortunately is uh the names have been called the diagnoses of um different kinds of personality disorders have been put upon me now in a kind of a cruel way and I'm gonna have to be in therapy to unlearn some of this shit or discover if those are true uh assumptions about me so that's a current struggle I'm going through and I never thought I'd be telling you guys this but I I'm I'm just kind of at a loss and I have this like I want to keep myself up I know people are passionate when they speak people can be cutting and I can do it too in fact the the

hardest thing that happened tonight is I admitted wrong I said I popped off and I was I was raising my tone of voice I was yelling and I admitted my fault and I said um that's not cool I need to work on that. Cause I have a, I think everyone, I'm going to just say, I'm trying to make you guys, I'm trying to be like, everyone yells, right? Doesn't everyone yell at their family sometimes? Okay. But, um, that's a, that's something that when I'm frustrated, when I feel like I can't, I'm not seeing eye to eye and it's so annoying. I can easily just go yell at people, like yell at my family. So, and get upset. So I said, Hey, I genuinely like, I get that. I understand that that's not cool I need to work on that well that was going around everyone was doing that right

but I was the one and I'm not saying this as the politically correct thing to say I'm not saying this because it's um look at me I'm so great I apologize and I say I'm sorry and I and I say I want to work on myself okay that's unfortunately I feel like how it's perceived it's perceived so I can't win I yell try to get my try to say I stand it was a me standing so guys by the way if you're curious the root of this it's I was standing up for myself and I finally was like I can't allow I can't enable this anymore I can't tolerate this anymore I have to stand up for myself and I did that and I said I was firm at first and I started yelling and I said I'm sorry at the end. I try to make peace at the end. And what's unfortunate is that I was considered

by the end of the conversation abusive. And that crushed me because the reason I was abusive is because I was trying to make peace. I was trying to, because I said I was sorry and I was being too nice because I you can't you can't blow up on someone and get mad at them this is why I can't win and I feel so frustrated someone out there please send me a message I know this is like dramatic as fuck this probably most dramatic episode ever but I'm just I'm just saying you know um and and my brain this is what's wild is I kind of in the back of my head tonight I'm like you know what a lot of this is bullshit there's more to life than this shit I know this is real right now Jacqueline don't let this take you take over you wake up tomorrow you're gonna

make this good you said you're sorry you feel you know I hurt them out I was doing the best I could I'm like this is not gonna overpower me and make me crumble and ruin relation I'm not gonna ruin uh my this is not gonna blow up my relationships I want to make this I want to work on myself and I want the same in return and hopefully we can come to common ground and understand each other but back to the abuse thing it was wild that I was told that you know first you're yelling and you're saying this not that and then all of a sudden you're nice at the end that's classic abuse so I feel frustrated like I can't when I'm like how am I crazy for like trying to make like what do you want to this conversation to end with if you want to keep this hot water boiling

and and live in this for the duration of me being home or do you want to come to a resolution or we can agree to disagree and kind of just go okay this isn't gonna we're not gonna solve this tonight put a pin in this let's think about it and come back like we could do that or we could say hey take take me seriously I'm sorry I fucked up you know I'm mad at you for doing x y and z the truth of the matter is I was mad or excuse me, I stood up for myself for once, once and for all. And, uh, I was just trying to be heard. And anyways, I could keep going guys. Um, I'm just kind of like at a loss. Uh, thank God I've got great relationships in other places and other people other than I won't say specifics but um you know it's not like my entire family

hates me that's not the case it's not that they hate me it's that I feel misunderstood and I'm really frustrated and the personality disorder uh diagnoses that were nonchalantly put in my face were like bullets I'm like I've never felt more um like I guess fulfilled in my purpose I found my passion I'm on a podcast and I like to entertain you guys I like to talk shit I like to have fun on this I like to share my ideas and thoughts and my life story it's like kind of a fun little you know people this is the thing I shouldn't feel weird about that like it's this selfish self-indulgent thing because look at all the other entertainers doing it it's something it's something people are called to do i believe there are individuals out there

that get up on a stage they get behind a microphone on a podcast they act whatever it is and they're on they're on display and they're for other people to consume and listen to and i believe i'm one of those people and i have this weird guilt about it because i was also a thrown out word tonight I was a narcissist, which I think all of us have a healthy dose of that. It's a survival thing like anxiety. I think there is healthy anxiety, but the just, it's so hard to, again, I'm going to talk to, I'm going to have to, what do I have to talk to? Psychotherapist, psychiatric, I don't know. It just hurts. You know what I mean? I'm like, dude, I've been trying. So yeah, I found my purpose let me go back to this job's good I found something in my uh field the thing I wanted

to get into I finally got into for real um my mental health solid you know healthy I've um a lot of shit's been I've been having a better I've been like calling you know my I don't live with my dad and my mom anymore but I um have great relationships with both of them been great phone calls, great conversation. Like everything's been fucking great. So it's kind of like a little setback tonight and, uh, who knows what will come tomorrow. Um, but, uh, I'm just feeling kind of like not, I guess, understood. And it's one of the hardest or, or, um, yeah. Anyways. So let's just do this Q&A I'm sorry I just I should Jacqueline don't apologize we get it um this is actually the first time I'll admit this like the first time in my life where I get how

family members like old you know when you hear like so-and-so like I feel like older family members cut each other off easily or something like like your aunt and your other aunt don't talk like that kind of stuff like you know what I mean I'm like wait I kind of might see how that happens unfortunately and I never the thing is the reason why I'm so um sad about this is I never want to be a family member who cuts someone off to preserve my sanity and and my um well-being I always see my everyone in my family is good good for me helpful I compliment them all the time on the great advice they've given me and the, the hard knocks and the constructive criticism and the, you know, all the open arms and help throughout my life. Like I'm, I'm always looking

at everyone. I'm like, I can speak, I could speak for fucking 10 hours on every family member and how much all their positive qualities and everything I like. And so it's really hard for me to have this realization right now that that might not be the case for said people or person that is, you know, who I had talked to tonight. So I guess that's life. I will always be willing to work on myself like that's a thing I just don't want to be a stubborn ego-ridden never can be wrong never can be um you know I'm not a perfect person and I and I don't want I I don't want to act that way come across that way like I I feel like I do a decent job and I do it kind of on purpose. Cause I want to be like, I want to just get my shit out there on

the podcast with you guys. Just kind of tell you what I suck at and what I can work on. Um, like I said, I, I fucking yelled tonight. Like I was frustrated and mad and, and, and like hurt deeply hurt. And I was like, okay, I know that happens sometimes, but I got to work on that. I got to cut that back. Okay. Cause it happens, you know, it, it can happen to me a few times here and there in arguments um I don't like to go mute I don't like to be quiet and just like pretend like I'm fine I don't I I tell you how I feel you'll know where I stand um maybe that's am I Italian is that fucking Italian maybe I'm Italian they talk they're they're passionate they yell is that is that Italian am I Irish no I'm Scottish part of me is English I don't fucking know

okay so I literally googled funny questions to ask on google like what list I'm trying to come up with questions that are not dramatic and sad and like making me pissed off anyways um here we go how are you guys doing happy fucking Saturday happy holidays 2020 um I'm trying to just trying to hold it together right now all right cereal soup I feel like I've answered this question before is cereal soup no it's cereal cereal oh you know should I talk about my day you know what do I even want to get into it I was in a cereal aisle today I went to grocery outlet bought a bunch of food for the holiday meals like we're doing a prime rib on Christmas Eve with, like, scalloped potatoes, mac and cheese, like, I don't know, all these

sides, and Christmas Day dinner, we're gonna do something we've never done before, like, we're gonna pick, I don't know if we're gonna do, like, a taco bar, pizza, I think we're gonna make pizzas, homemade pizzas on the, on Christmas as our dinner situation, like, just pizza and beer homemade I don't know we were kind of like burn we're burned out of like turkey and fucking holiday traditional meals so we went grocery shopping for that today and um it was fun I let's see what else did we do we put out a bunch of free furniture in the front like in the driveway today which was funny we wrapped it in like plastic which took forever and garage moved some equipment around again you guys know how we moved all the the uh

like furniture we moved two houses a couple weeks weekends ago my whole family like road trip to move my uh family members and a couple of them and anyways i feel like we're still moving shit it's still happening so yeah we cleaned out the garage um i don't know then we yeah we okay I don't know why I'm doing this when I wanted to do the Q&A sorry okay what secret conspiracy would you like to start secret I don't want to answer that question I saw some crazy it was like a reach about how all of these shutdowns all these open um like all these open what am i saying let's open real estate all these shut down restaurants and shit um is because china's gonna come in and buy it out and then america's gonna turn into china

like someone i feel like it was a tiktok or something on twitter like all these vacancies are because of i don't know do you guys hear about that and then i hear people still saying Trump's gonna win there was a picture for his uh yeah I guess the holiday Christmas picture he posted of him and Melania had the portrait of Harry Truman behind them in the White House and people were like he did that on purpose because Harry Truman came out of nowhere and won the election I guess it was like the most dramatic presidential win in history because the other guy thought he had it in the bag and then harry truman won so i don't know i saw that um why am i bringing this up conspiracies dude shout out i gotta say it again shout out barstool and dave

portnoy for the fucking barstool fund the whole helping out new york city restaurants and small businesses like it's it's getting wild to me how i don't know like everyone think it's like a it's like every this year is just one thing on top of another but I feel like at the end here I'm looking back and I'm like how the fuck did this all happen like it did why are I don't know I guess the Oregon's shutting down for a long time again I saw that guys anyways okay let's just answer questions like quick quickly here um what's the most ridiculous fact you know I think it's barnacles have the biggest based off of like size body size they have the biggest penises out of anything on the planet barnacles do and my PE teacher slash seventh grade

what was he called my environmental teacher I think he was my I don't know what that was environmental ed or something teacher taught us that on a field trip out here at deception pass we were looking at some barnacles and I learned that fact what is something that everyone looks stupid doing uh oh there's so many honestly it's so I it will never not be cringy to me to see you know like the influencers in the wild Instagram page where they post videos of people taking pics for Instagram and shit like I don't think that will ever make me feel comfortable I don't think there's ever gonna be a time where I won't kind of cringe at that and I've done it so I'm that person too

like we've all kind of been there taking pics but there's something about it that's just kind of like you get especially if they're doing like twerking videos like have you seen those ones where they're just out on top of a building twerking and like I don't know like that's a thing I'm like Jacqueline who cares live your life like let people do with yeah of course I'm not judging it I'm just saying there's like something about it that's like kind of cringy I guess but what is something everyone looks stupid doing I got it there's like something really good I'm trying to remember here um what's something with your mouth uh or like at the DMV what do you have to do at the airport I guess like at the airport everyone looks stupid going through the metal

detector no I don't know wait I don't I kind of want to google that what is something what is something people look stupid doing? Why do I want to, I want a really good answer for this. That's why I'm not giving up. What is something people look at? Reddit. Oh yeah. Reddit. Come on, Reddit. Come on, Reddit. Guys, I woke up with a migraine today. I kept telling my Tylenol, come on, Tylenol, do your thing, girl. I was like, dude, this morning was so much high energy. like you should have seen us moving this furniture I was like it was it was comedy it was like three women and these farm trucks would go by and then we they'd scope them out because usually like the farm uh workers around us will pick up our free furniture we do this all the time like whenever

we have free shit we just put it on the front lawn or the driveway put free on it we we care here when I was like making a joke like I work for Ashley Furniture I'm like we care about our customers we thought it was going to rain today so we wrapped we had furniture wrap and we wrapped everything which took forever it's kind of a lot but I don't know um yeah it's high energy why am I saying that what is something everyone looks stupid doing let's get into this choosing chasing a loose paper in the wind yeah taking a picture with an iPad okay I don't know guys I feel like there's a really good answer I'm gonna think of it probably by

the end of the show I just want to answer I don't know um in 40 years what will people be nostalgic for next question in 40 years I think people will be nostalgic for 2020 I feel like we're gonna we're gonna miss quarantine we're gonna miss COVID-19 we're gonna be like that was a good time it's gonna be so much better now than in 40 years probably not i don't know in four years people will be nostalgic for i feel like tiktok and this is all gonna be too far ahead 40 years like what's 40 years ago probably like drake people people will miss drake music or something it's weird to think about that like all the music from the 60s 70s 80s 90s the only thing that stayed consistent was like the

rap music that kind of carried through but like the other shit died out if you think of like the early rock stuff that kind of died out so I feel like it's going to be interesting to look forward 40 years to see what music does and if Drake kind of music and if like the pop style of music will be it'll obviously change but like how different will it be because if you think back to like early 2000s or like 10 years ago let's go 10 years I mean yeah music has changed but it's kind of not that much like I was listening to yeah exclamation point greatest song of all time in the car today ludicrous yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah wait how does it go anyways the club with my homies um what's the ludicrous verse take that rewind it back

eluda chris got the beat together yeah that song yeah it's a great song of all time but uh you know music today kind of still has a vibe like i mean it's still perky and and there's a lot of like songs like they're gonna last a long time that are be made there that are be made that are being made now fuck me okay sit up jacqueline come on come on come on girl i mean there's a lot of songs that are gonna stick around for a long time anyways 40 years people are gonna be nostalgic for coronavirus. All right. So how do you feel about putting pineapple on pizza? It's great. I don't care. I don't really eat it that often, but if it's there, like if I'm at a party and there happens to be that as the only option left, I'll eat it. I don't care. Um, what part

of a kid's movie completely scared you or scarred you? Dude, so many, I feel like, okay. I was terrified of the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz. Those flying monkey kids. Terrified. The witch terrified me. Like that whole movie creeped me out. Oh, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? Scarred for life. The whole movie. Terrified of that. I was terrified of Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty for I don't know why and all those like creepy goblin-y things around her castle terrified um I still think I'm gonna say it's not a kids movie but the Lord of the Rings orcs fucked me up I saw that when I was really little terrified me um Star Trek shit okay yeah I saw a lot I saw a lot of Borgs I think they're called half they're like half robot half human with like

a camera on one of their eyes. That's, that used to terrify me. Um, there's a movie, I think it's called, is it K-19? I got to Google it. It's a submarine movie. And these guys get like a radiation, Soviet submarine K-19. Did I really remember that? Images. Is that a movie? K-19 movie? Am I getting that wrong? K-something. K-19. Yeah. Is that Dennis Quaid? Harrison Ford? Liam Neeson yeah is that the movie where they go under and there's like a radiation issue and everyone gets like burned that used to terrify me yeah the guys were trying to go into fix I don't know what it's called the nuclear reactor or something and oh the clown and Air Bud terrified should I go I'm gonna like think of every movie right now

um for some reason the clown terrified me airbud the first movie i think it was what's the airbud theme song i have to play it right now youtube.com that's a song that'll make me cry those were my favorite movies growing up airbud that's what we named our golden our first one buddy buddy okay airbud theme song it's like airbud 12 from the heart airbuds theme yeah oh my god guys i'm gonna play it for like five seconds come on it's loading obviously it's not playing duh it's those it's those violins oh my god that takes you back i used to think the guy and it was hot wait what actor was that

an airbud i think he's really cute it's wild when you're older and you look at your childhood crushes on in movies and on tv who thought really cute and then you look back now and they're like fucking 10 years old or 12 like all the disney channel movies like who was the guy in um what was the mermaid movie i don't know he like turned it was a he was a merman that kid i thought was cute and he looks like a like a little 10 year old okay let me keep answering questions do you guys like this Q&A, I kind of unloaded some, you know, hefty emo shit, but I'm gonna be fine. I think all parties will be fine involved. I think it's gonna be about, I'm gonna, I'm all about hearing it out, changing my behavior, and working on myself to improve relationships,

and I'd hope for the same on the other side and uh I can't force it it's got to come from within um but I'm hopeful I hope that I mean shit I got talked to this summer and I was so you know I got kind of like a mini intervention you know I was depressed and I I had family come visit visit me and it was helpful because they were like you know what's going on let's talk about it you know you're you're not well let's get some help because you know I was unemployed COVID-19 you guys know the story if you've listened before lost my job went got depressed and kind of went through it I was lost I didn't have purpose in life um I didn't have a lot going on so I figured that out and so but I was so receptive to the feedback of and I I wasn't you know so I just it sucks where

if I try to do that to someone else which I'm not I'm not trying to be right I'm not trying to say you've got problems you need to fix, but you're, um, you're unintentional. Apparently your unintentional, uh, behavior affects me. And you might want to pause and think about it before you decide to do it. You know, like I'm just asking simply that. I don't know, guys, I'm really venting I'm sorry like I just felt crazy for even thinking that's normal to say but I'm expected to fix myself and work on myself but it's not reciprocate I don't know it's tough that's why I'm like I can see why people cut people off I just it's hard all right what is the most embarrassing thing you have ever worn oh I know what it is I used to be a candy

cane dancer on a it was I was in a play in I think it was seventh grade I think that was like the last play I did on stage like local theater and I I was like I was a giant candy corn um I yeah we had these like felt or I don't know what the material was giant candy corn like my hat like the top of my head had a like a cone orange cone on it and then basically I did back walkovers on stage I did like acrobatic shit and I love that role because I in plays growing up I'd be like choir background kid I had one leading role I don't want to call it like I'm not a child star like leading character but I was Gladys in the best Christmas pageant ever which was so fun because I got to be a little rebel chick who I was like talking back and being you

know like a little little kid it was fun and I was the angel at the end that came out and I got to say in front of the whole stage spotlight on me I got to say hey hey you a child is born or whatever and that was about Jesus being born and I don't know it was like cool I had that but for the most part I've been like background you know supporting shit but I was a candy cane dancer that was like my last role I did on on stage and um just for fun because I missed acting and I hadn't done it in a couple years so anyways it was fun because we got to go to the local gymnastics place that was where we did play practice because we were doing gymnastics on stage and we didn't need to work we didn't need to practice with the other cast members we just had to do our thing so

I was jumping on trampolines learning how to do backflips going into foam pits balance beams all this shit it was so fun but that's probably the most ridiculous thing I wore candy cane outfit I mean there's probably other ridiculous shit probably like Halloween costumes as a kid just like makeshift I'm an astronaut and I'm wearing like I don't know a fucking paper mache half falling apart. There's like glue still hanging, like dripping off astronaut hat. I don't even know what I've done. Um, what's the most imaginative, imaginative insult you can come up with? I like compliment insults. That's kind of fucked up. Wait. Uh, I don't, I mean, imaginative and so it's kind of on brand or in this tracks for what I've been talking about

earlier about family shit and drama and arguments and you know but what could I say right now imaginative insult I don't know I usually like this is what hurts bullies the most I think is when you totally take the high road and you're nice I think that's the best insult because it's not like I know what I'm doing I'm not go I'm not stooping down and I'm not being mean back or whatever but they it's so crippling because they can't it's hard for them or you don't give it attention like I don't know I I just feel I I don't want people to be left I don't want to leave a bully conversation where I need or whatever where someone's like they can always remember what I said to them and that that fucking messed with them and like hurt their feelings and

they'll always remember me being that b-i-t-c-h who said that to them like I never want to have someone remember me for that I want to be like high road nice even though that's annoying I'll do it okay anyways which body part do you wish you could detach and why oh let's let's have fun with this um hold on I'm looking at my hands need all 10 fingers what the hell what am I gonna detach I need my toes for balance I need okay let's think of face oh my god guys I wouldn't detach anything I would detach my wisdom teeth that didn't need to grow in and I didn't have to get them removed like what are

things that extra body oh you know what I'll be honest right now I'd like to remove a rib I would love to do that I want to snatch tiny little like 24 inch waist I don't have that I mean I don't know I actually like don't measure it I don't know but I feel like that'd be dope because that's like a that's like a genetic thing you're either like super tiny tiny tiny waist or you don't have it and I think for girls that's like one like I guess aesthetic thing that a lot of like there's waist trainers and you know all these workouts about making your waist tinier but I mean I'm chilling I like what I got but I don't know maybe I'll remove a rib I kind of have a do you guys have it where one rib cage on one side kind

of sticks up more than the other one I kind of have that I don't know um so yeah probably a rib I don't want to lose any body parts uh but yeah what used to be considered trashy but is now very classy weird I feel like I wouldn't say classy but a lot of things that were considered trashy the past are just socially acceptable now not necessarily i don't think the thing is especially the all of the hyper sexualized content all the sexual shit you see all over the internet now like just social media memes all this stuff it's like normalized now and tolerated it's not trashy and shunned i don't know and like a lot of celebrities can get away with like the nastiest raunchiest shit and they're like considerate but yet they're on a red carpet in a gown and it's like so classy

I don't know which is great I think I don't care I'm just saying that the times have changed and trashy is the new classy in some ways I guess that's how I'd interpret that question um it's one of the classy will always be classy don't get it twisted like I'll be honest there's a reason why I'm holding on to I feel like I've kept a lot of I guess old jewelry and like classic pieces in my wardrobe and like I I just like feel when I dress I always try to be classy with shit like my earrings are always I always do like really classy earrings like old old like from the 60s like they're clip-ons even they're not even you know they're fucking old um I like I don't know I just feel because a piece of me feels trashy

my personality sometimes feels trashy and kind of raunchy a little bit so I'm like I gotta keep my classy feminine stuff constantly going and I I feel balanced out and good about myself and I'm like, you know, elegant and classy. And, um, I don't know, maybe that's, I honestly, it's weird to say, but the yoga feels like that I've been getting back to back into feels like I'm connecting with my feminine energy, like in a really healthy way where I don't know if I was feeling that connection to my body with weights and like that kind of movement. And it's not that I don't like, I don't hate it I just don't feel like I just I don't know I always kind of not burn out of it I don't I don't love it like I I like doing the more fluid yoga kind of stuff so anyways um

what's the weirdest thing a guest has done at your house holy shit um I have to think like of all my life who's been in my house it's been weird maybe when I okay I don't know like my plumber like a plumber plug plunging or excuse me it's pumping a septic tank or whatever the septic tank people just like literally seeing all of our shit that's awkward that's weird well is that weird? That's weird for us. It's weird for us to have them do that. Kind of like, Hey, this is what our shit looks like. Thanks for pumping it. Shout out to those guys. Did you guys, okay. What am I seeing? I don't know what podcast it was. Probably Tom and Christina, Tom Segura and his wife on a, your mom's house. They show the most out there content. You know what I mean?

Like they're on Tik TOK and the dark, they're on the dark web, dark side of Tik TOK with like the weirdest people in America posting weird ass videos. And I feel like there's a weird like fetish thing where people like to be in, they like dress up and go on manure and roll around in it. Uh, yeah, no judgment, but that's, uh, I've never heard of that before. Yeah. I can't say don't judge that. I have to say, I, uh, I, I'm going to say this too. This just, I said no judgment but I'm realizing you know what I have opinions about those kinds of things I think it's like go see a doctor you know that doesn't seem mentally stable rolling around in manure you know what I mean like I'm kind of getting sick and tired of told him we got to accept everyone

everything's acceptable and you know I think someone I listened to on TikTok had a point the other day they're like if you have to wear a wrist strap bracelet color-coded thing to let people know if you're he she they them today and some days you feel like a they them some days you feel like a he she he her he no he him or a she her and it's ever flowing and you never really have you're not it's not one or the other forever it's always changing like that's a mental illness I feel like that's not, I feel, well, the person on that TikTok, back to that, I'm using, I'm repeating what they're saying. They consider that like, dude, that's like a mental illness. Why do we have to sit around and go, yeah, that's totally fine. And, you know, and then,

but what's hard is that people misspeak and say the wrong pronoun. And then you're, you look like a, you know, a bad person if you say it wrong and they get offended. And it's like, I don't know, it's tough I think you know I'm trying to be empathetic I can't imagine what that life is like and maybe and I don't mean oh it must suck I'm just like in a world where you're that's not the norm I don't know and especially in the psychology but again that's why it's kind of starting to look like a mental uh health issue to me start I I had that idea across me across me through that TikTok and, or that, yeah, and I, and I kind of thought about, like, maybe there's something, something to that, because, you know, I, everyone wants to do the right thing and be politically

correct and kind to everyone, I get that, but we gotta have some, we gotta have some rails, we gotta have some straight, we gotta have some, what's the word, uh structure i guess we don't yeah that's just my belief all right let me know what you think about the pronoun stuff if you know anyone that's is it gender fluid is that what it's called where they are it does you it could change yeah it's interesting what inanimate oh this is fun what inanimate object do you wish you could eliminate from existence oh god what in him uh parking lots parking lots i don't like them we need we need to restructure you guys know i've ranted about them so many times an animate object that could

be gone forever what's like not helpful what do i stub my toe on what do i bump into that's annoying Come on, Jacqueline. Think, think, think, think, think. Do, do, do, do, do. Should we play the Air Buds song while I think? Where is it? What inanimate object would I want to eliminate forever? I kind of want to put a pin in that think about it I'm just trying to think of something that ruins my life every time I bump into it or something like what do I stub my you know what I mean what's just an eyesore that I could get rid of what's in your car that's annoying or what's in a store what's in traffic or

annoying I'm just gonna google it annoying inanimate objects annoying inanimate objects here we go reddit let's go reddit the spring door stopper at my front door my dog always runs into it oh yeah that is annoying oh honestly i want to say this a frustrating object in my house cannot stand there in every apartment are those blinds the they're so deba jangled discombobulated and jangled mangle jangled up the strings always in a knot you pull them up you got your you're like all right it's gonna come down straight nope one side's going down the other side's going up

you're trying to jimmy jimmy the strings to make it straight can't work the whole thing sometimes falls down I mean I don't like blinds um let's see what else people are saying here come on google come on wait i gotta refresh it won't let me scroll view entire discussion here we go my alarm clock okay life during sex question mark jesus stairs the toilet okay I don't know what they mean by that because you kind of need it yeah okay this reddit thread sucks I would just say um my blinds in my apartment I'd like to remove I need them for privacy but or I don't know there's you know those like automatic blinds push a button they come down like that'd be nice um if peanut butter wasn't called

peanut butter what would it be called peanut I don't know mush peanut smashed peanuts I don't know paste peanut paste I mean do you want to keep the theme of peanut in the in it keep the word peanut because I mean you have to identify that that's from a peanut peanut paste peanut slime peanut juice isn't that weird wait if you milk a nut wait hold on no you add water never mind that's all it is I'm like wait when I grind up almonds it turns into almond milk no you add water. Is it? That's what's a, that's a, that trips me out. Why is there no, so you know how we have almond milk, cashew milk, hemp milk, all these soy milk, um, hazelnut milk. Why isn't there peanut milk? Doesn't that seem like a, I don't know what, what would that taste like though?

I don't know I feel like peanut milk would be good in cereal Reese's puff cereal with peanut milk I don't know um what movie would be greatly improved if it was made into a musical when I read that I just thought of Lord of the Rings as a musical but like super just the yeah it'd be so I don't No. It'd be so funny. That is a musical. It probably would work. That would work. It's kind of getting dry. The energy's dying down. I gotta, do I have water? No, I have tea still. Let me drink it. I'm drinking, uh, perfect for tonight. Stress relief, kava tea. I've been into tea kind of lately. All right. what set of items could you buy that would make the cashier the most uncomfortable I do it all

the time I'm like tampons and WD-40 you know what I mean all right next question but I just feel like yeah like tampons and eggs. I don't know. Yeah, that makes sense. Eggs are chicken periods. That's kind of funny. I don't know. I feel like, I feel like there's always one thing on the, on that conveyor belt where I'm kind of ashamed or not ashamed. It's just like healthy food, healthy food, healthy food, healthy food, healthy food, Reese's big cup. It's the final item I see in the aisle. I'm like, I'm getting Reese's big cup but everything else is like frozen broccoli and uh shrimp and vegetables and avocados and kombucha and you know sweet potatoes all this like healthy shit and it's like Reese's

big cup there's nothing wrong with that I'm just saying it's kind of funny how I don't know I can't wait to grocery shop guys I'm really you know what this is kind of sad I'm going to say it. I learned how to make myself happy alone this year, genuinely just like content with my presence alone. I don't need a lot of people or stimulus, stimuli around me, which is something I struggled with at the beginning of 2020 with depression because here I am unemployed in my new apartment alone, kind of sad, right? And I kept spiraling about myself and I was negative about my about my life and who I am and just like I was overthinking shit when I'm like Jacqueline give yourself a break this is a weird time like you're not close to family you

just moved it's like a kind of a lot so anyways I learned how to I had this like I turned my life into this fun little routine and I was so excited and happy to get myself back on my feet and I'm excited this is kind of sad to admit but I'm kind of really excited to go home um and that sucks to say but or not it doesn't suck to say it's just kind of unfortunate and uh I'm I'm sad and I'm I don't the thing is the thing that I don't want to do is just go back to San Diego and go out of sight out of mind and just leave this place in the dust I really hope things are good I leave uh end of this month so I'll be here for a while still but um as of now I'm just kind of like damn I just want to go to like the grocery store back home and like fucking like go to my

coffee shop like be in my apartment watch football on Sunday like do my shit um go to the beach I miss it so much I'm already planning like the first week back all these like outdoor like I'm gonna bring my bike home I'm gonna ship it back in fact let me open that right now ship a bike I'm gonna ship my road bike ship a bike back to San Diego because I'm gonna start biking um I miss it so yeah I'm doing all these outdoor like hikes and uh you know beach things and so okay let's think here you're a mad scientist what scientific experiment would you run if money and ethics weren't an issue oh fuck with money and ethics weren't an issue I just really I guess one of the biggest curiosities I had this year was about animals

specifically monkeys how would this be a scientific experiment basically this isn't necessarily an experiment i just want to know about did we time travel are the apes existing with us simultaneously in 2020 on this like you know how i i deep think about i deep thought about this for a minute earlier i think it was like august i don't know I thought about the fact that we're on this planet with like apes reside here too apes reside at the same time as humans it's like how come we evolved but they are but some of them didn't and that doesn't add up to me it kind of doesn't make sense to me I'm like wouldn't we all you know wouldn't evolution mean if it like wouldn't we

all turn into human beings or did one of, did we branch off from the apes? Like they say, I don't know. But my, uh, the thing I'm trying to find the answer to, or what would be cool to know is are we time travelers? Like, did we go back? Did, okay. Hear me out. This is the chain. I think, I think monkeys, apes, all of them are us in the past, even though they're with us today. on this planet currently i think that's what we look like in the past and i think we are them in the future we are what an ape will be eventually and i think aliens with the big heads and little bodies and what we think of an alien and what apparently exists like i guess all this alien shit's coming out now it's kind of tripping me out but apparently it's getting confirmed left

and right or talked a lot about by big people uh including the government with the uh spacecraft from another world or whatever they came out with at the beginning of that was so crazy they dropped that piece of information and like it didn't seem like nobody like people cared but it wasn't as big of a piece of news as like people are dying from coronavirus and that's all they talked about so um but I feel like the aliens are us in the future that makes sense so it's as if we somehow went back in time and then we've stayed here but the apes I don't know guys I don't know do you see how i see that what is that why are we i don't know it'd be cool though to go the future and or go to another planet i don't know like let's just say aliens live on fucking mars let's

just assume that they don't but like or it's not like populated like earth it's not like there's cities and but let's just say another galaxy far far away whatever we could go to it and we would be like the monkeys are to us to the aliens like they would look at us as monkeys but we're just them in the past does that make sense I'm tripping I'm not tripping out uh I'm completely stone sober just thinking you know I got fucking told maybe I'm just too smart for my own good tonight that really pissed me off and that apparently my the podcast I listen to Joe Rogan has influenced me too much. That fucking hurt. All right. All right. Um, if you were arrested with no explanation, what would your friends and family assume you had done? Oh my God. I don't want

to talk about it after tonight I'm like dude I could do they would assume probably I mean they would assume I had a fucking episode in public and I had to get detained I mean they may literally think I'm like guys you know when you pop off at family and shit I was like told I need to check in I know And that's why I know my therapist, I've talked to her, you know, before and I'm like, not necessarily about what I'm experiencing or what I experienced today, but I feel like I'm hopeful. This is my hope. I'm hopeful she talks about either, okay, either I'm going to be diagnosed and then they're right. And I'm fucking, I don't want to use the diagnosed, I don't want to use the technical terms because I don't want to, um, label this or if people are actually, if, if people out there actually have these personality disorders, I don't want to make it sound like a negative thing.

Like, I don't have that. I don't have that, you know? Um, but either I'm going to be diagnosed or it's going to be, uh, that's either gaslighting or manipulation and abuse. And you need to unlearn these things and do these affirmations and, uh, work on your, um, self-worth and your blah blah blah like i'm trying i'm like wait a minute i don't know but i'm willing you guys i'm i'm gonna roll the punches i'm not too good to be told that i got problems but fucking i don't know all right i'm not gonna say what i would be if i was arrested what they assume i did my family um yeah what i say just a i just had an episode in public at fucking uh subway i screamed at the subway artist and threw the meat

everywhere and like what would like a crazy person do apparently that's what something i would do apparently if i'm crazy i'd like jump up on the counter and body slam like wwe my sandwich art sandwich artist. I just learned they're called sandwich artists at Subway, which is kind of cute. I mean, it's kind of artistic putting meat on bread and like the little toppings. They do it really orderly. It's like a little picture and then they fold it over and wrap it up. It's like art. But yeah, I'd body slam a Subway artist like WWE. I'd stick my hand in the oven and burn off my arm and then I'd poke someone's eyeballs out and take all my clothes off and rub mayonnaise all over myself and run outside and then the cops would have to arrest me and so that's probably

what my family would assume I did something like that um I'm being sarcastic you all know that but I'm kind of feeling like you know that's maybe what they think about me which is fucking annoying guys I'm do you guys are there quotes out there I feel like there's quotes like I just nobody understands me and I in a world of or it's like in a world of um I'd rather be crazy than boring or like whatever the fuck I'm like I'm pretty not I'm just like fun I guess and upbeat I'm happy-go-lucky for the most part I like to joke like we had so much fun this morning we were joking around with the free shit we were putting out on the driveway just like I had the plastic wrap and at the very end I went around all of the furniture with it

and like enclosed it it was the funniest shit I ended up running out into the field with a tricycle for my childhood just like I just ran out there with it like I had so much fun I feel like I'm I'm not that person in Subway you know what I mean like what the fuck all right let's do a couple more and then I'm gonna call it did I even check my phone for I don't know why I want see that's kind of an that's like a phone addiction thing like I'm like wait I haven't checked my phone this entire podcast that's probably good for me all right oh fuck okay question 63 on this list if you were wrongfully

put into an insane asylum how would you convince them that you're actually sane and not just pretending to be sane holy shit how would I convince them that I'm actually sane oh my god if you're in okay that's kind of literally what I did tonight mischaracterized all the names all the diagnoses personality disorders and you need to check yourself in here I am saying sorry and just like being nice and I'm like ripped apart so yeah anyways um getting over it already I don't want to think about it make this podcast sad but if I had to convince that I'm people convince the people in the insane asylum that I'm saying how would I how would I how would I convince them that I'm maybe I would I guess like say something really smart I don't know or like a fact or like

I would just probably calm be really nice and like level and normal I don't know how do you pull your shit together in that situation if you're wrongfully put into an insane insane asylum how would you convince them that you're actually sane is that an easy answer that would suck I honestly feel like that's what happened to me did I allow that did I enable that I tried I tried my best to stand up for myself and I got called crazy so I don't know um you know maybe maybe you've been there before what did you do how did you get out of that I think it's an internal knowing not to get deep but I believe it's

I have a it's like your internal knowing that comes from your soul that you're good and you're trying your best and you mean well and you're plugged into the world. I'm a citizen who's contributing to the greater good. Okay. I'm serving people. I'm employed, put my skin in the game, talking on a podcast. I'm active. I've got shit going on with my life I'm productive I've like there aren't any like weird tics or weird things about my life and that like the stuff I do it's pretty fucking normal I guess a podcast you guys could argue well no shit you're crazy Jacqueline you podcast and talk to yourself seven days a week and it's like fuck me I can't win look at all the podcasters out there we're all

kind of in her own way it's like it for me it's the it's not the it's the release of getting my voice heard and like just saying shit and and saying what I and just being free about it I feel like I've told you guys in the past I felt like for a long time I've been shy about telling my story and I feel like I've been kind of bottled up and I'm trying to I tried to curate myself in a way that would be super like no one would hate me I was trying to be like liked by everyone or whatever or you know what I mean so now I've released that I'm just being myself just saying whatever and with you know I try to keep it like y'all know I don't mean harm underneath it all if I get opinionated and pop off it's not I'm just like I don't know I don't need to explain

myself you guys I'm I'm having fun on this I shouldn't have to apologize for uh trying to joke around you know what I mean not everything I say is serious and yeah but anyways but that yeah to get deep again it's just like that internal knowing and that relationship with yourself where you're um you have to follow that and let that be your guide and don't let anyone take that away from you and make you and make you question that because your intentions you only know what you intend and you only know what your heart wants and what you're um and all of that so don't let other people make you feel like shit about yourself when it's not true and you know in your soul it's not true and I think

that's what hurts the most I'm all about correcting behaviors and person like like uh bad habits and um ego driven you know pop shots and words and negative uh comments like I'm all about that but if at your soul, you're good, and you mean well, and you're not fucking crazy, and you know that, then don't let any, don't let anyone, don't let anyone take that from you, because that's, that's your soul, so I just, I don't know, maybe it's, I don't know how to stand up for myself, maybe it's that I gotta learn how to stand up for myself better or set boundaries earlier so things like this don't happen I don't know you guys I'm so vague I haven't said anything specific you guys are probably like like please just tell us what happened was everything all right let's

do one more question I'm kind of like getting dry mouth I need some actual water not tea what's the most inappropriate excuse me what's the most yeah inappropriate slash most embarrassing place you've farted? Oh, fuck. I don't think, have I ever farted in front of a guy? Yeah, I definitely have. I mean, it's like you either get to that point or you don't. Like you're either farting around each other and it's funny and it's like a joke or you just like always hide it. And I feel like I mostly always hide it. I don't know. That's one thing about me I like don't that doesn't happen if you're dating me like I just you know but I feel like in a couple situations or relationships like I have and I don't like it's kind of funny it's

like part of it but where's the most embarrassing place I've ever been maybe on a plane and it was really bad or something like that would suck that's what sucks it's like you're in a enclosed place um like in the water in a you're like swimming and then you like a bubble comes up I don't know it's kind of a stupid question this is like a seven-year-old would love this question I think if you're in front of people like doing a speech and you fart and it's really loud like that would kind of be honestly I feel like I've done it in class before yeah and you know when I feel like when you're younger it depends like my for whatever reason the the experience I'm recalling farting in front of class is like it's like I knew I did it everyone knew I did it but

no one said anything or like made it a big deal everyone just kind of like pretended they didn't hear it I think that happened to me before probably like a third grade or some shit I don't know I've got worse like bodily function stories like I don't really want to talk about it but like staying like sleeping over at friends houses and I had like did you guys ever pee the bed sometimes I'm gonna just say it like it it was terrifying sleeping over at friends houses when I was a little girl because yeah I am a deep sleeper and I would forget to wake up to go pee in the middle of the night and yeah I would piss my sleeping bag at my friend's house and then I'd have to like guys the amount of like code like secret missions I'd go on in the middle of the

night to fucking clean a sleeping bag or whatever the bedding was I was sleeping on to get that shit cleaned and so no one could hear me and wake up and find out not only changing my clothes and not making anyone notice but like trying to get the cleaning like clean up the sleeping bag and usually guys not to be like graphic but it was it was never like it never like oh my god there's a flood but it was like okay gotta clean this up or like I don't think I ever had to ask like one of the moms at the sleepover to help me or like tell her I did it I think one of my closest friends moms knew I had a little problem so she always like offered to like you know we had diapers at her house when I was really little for me yeah diapers I wore pull-ups as a young child this is

sad am I really guys um is it so here's the thing now I'm questioning my sanity this is what fucking sucks I'm like so here I am just telling my life story being like like for example I'm questioning is it insane to talk so openly about stuff like that to me it's funny and I don't care because it's so long ago and it's like a childhood thing but based off of feedback I received over arguments this evening i am questioning is this even fucking sane is this like am i just am i actually like because i feel like i'm having fun i genuinely want to just like tell that little stupid sleeping bag story and like i don't make it's not a big it's not that deep but i'm like is there something more going on here is this like i need to get this head checked because i

I'm so open and honest and willing to talk about stuff like that I don't know I think the advice I think pros would tell me people would be like dude keep doing your thing stay on your grind people you know I know thanks for your messages I know you guys are you know so far like in the show and shit and you look forward to it all the nice things and that's great um and I should just damn I should just keep going and not have to worry about one or two or five or ten I'm not going to tell you how many people I'm just going to keep it vague having a opinion about me that's not who I am so anyways I think I'm going to end on those questions the last one was where did I where's the most embarrassing place I farted and I told you a

uh sleepover peeing my sleep sleeping backstory shit did they extend is the government shut down or did they extend it two days i need to i need to search this hold on government shut down they like ran out of money i think that's crazy shut down or did they pass that lawmakers still being big okay wait republicans this is six hours ago it's just one tweet it's like a very uh leftist tweet here what do we have here congress is preparing politico congress is preparing for the possibility of a short government shutdown as leaders attempt to wrap up a nearly one trillion dollar coronavirus relief package okay oh friday the friday deadline but i don't think it's gonna get

you guys actually i'm gonna end this podcast i wanna i don't know what's going on with this bill but i'm gonna be watching my meet kevin dude on youtube to see the update it's so juicy he's such a good uh host or he's kind of like a newscaster in a way he just talks about uh the stimulus shit going on and in politics and it's great um he's got a lot of informative videos on stocks and real estate too that i like to watch but i see his stimulus updates and it's fun so i'm gonna watch that figure out what happened today and order up a bike box I'm seeing here you can like buy a box bikeflights.com it's like an actual thing people do they post they put a bike in a box and ship it so I gotta I gotta see I gotta do that um

and yeah I gotta I don't know post this shit all right guys that's all I got for you today thanks for tuning in thanks for listening in and hanging out and I appreciate your ear I appreciate your I don't know maybe understand I shouldn't say this but like understanding that I'm not perfect and I'm working on myself and I'm not always gonna bring the fun vibes every day because I'm here seven days a week and I I you know this is life this is my life and it's not always perfect and shiny so thanks for sticking with me regardless and I hope it's helping you in some way and um maybe you feel like I know what it's like to listen to podcasters it feels like a little connection you feel like you maybe got a little online friend or someone who you can

relate to which is something I am kind of struggling with in my life right now so I hope to be that person for you and uh yeah once again my last little things before I end the show uh you can go over to why am I getting emotional over that that's kind of deep do I just put that into words yeah I'm struggling to relate to people so I feel like that if I can do that for you if I can be that person you relate to then I hope um it's helping you anyways that's really wow Jesus it's my new I guess purpose behind this honestly turn something negative into a way I can help people not only just with a fucking commentary about shit on the podcast all day but on a on a friend level like that all right patreon.com slash tjms if you want to support the show

uh just brief you on what goes with that you get access to my exclusive patreon only content and everyone gets a shout out on my Friday episode so go check it out if you want to support the show and get more content from me and you can go over to the Apple podcast app and if you leave a review it really helps me out or you can just like you don't even have to write anything you can just tap a couple stars one through five submit it and subscribe to the podcast while you're there and follow me on Instagram at Jacqueline Rowe and subscribe to my YouTube channel I'll be I'm excited. That's one thing I am excited about going home to do. I'll be on YouTube Monday through Friday, uh, starting January. So check it out. And anyways, guys, hope you had a great

Saturday, Saturday. Uh, we got football tomorrow. Woo. Can't wait to watch football. Try to have, I'll try to have a better day. Maybe something amazing will happen in the next 24 hours regarding my situation today let's pray for that um you know I'm gonna end with this I'm not a super religious person uh you know I was Catholic born raised put into Catholic school my whole life you know I've seen the Pope all that fun stuff but I'm starting to feel like I I'm gonna like I feel a calling to my faith because I just need something to turn to, to be a rock for me right now. And yeah, I'll be praying tonight because I don't want the outcome today to be the actual outcome. I want to, I want to find peace and I want to find a resolution to all of

this. And yeah, so I'll be praying tonight. So anyways, guys, I know I plug my stuff and I said goodbye, but bye again. I will talk to you tomorrow for Sunday. Have a great night. All right. Bye.