The Jacqueline Monroe Show - 119- Bye 2020

Episode Date: January 1, 2021

Happy New Year's Eve!! :) Patreon.com/TJMS https://soundcloud.com/robmonmusic

Hey guys, happy New Year's Eve. It's episode 119. Welcome back to the show. holy shit guys we made it new year's eve 2020 Honey, she's here, bitch. The last day of the year is here. Hi, it's Jacqueline. Welcome back to the show. I can't believe it. I don't know if this year has felt fast or slow.

I don't know how I feel about it, honestly. I want to sit and reflect a little bit with you guys on the show today because, you know, it's just a thing to do on the last day of the year. Take a moment. Look back. Remember what you did. Remember what you learned. um I think I've pounded 2020 into the ground as far as bitching about it so I don't need to go

into every fucking detail about current events the pandemic the world the shutdowns the government the election that you know I could I could go on and keep hitting that topic home this entire episode because it's on you know it's on the theme it's in line with the theme of 2020 and New Year's Eve but honestly I just want to like go into I guess my year and how I feel and uh bring you guys along today for a little reflection time I don't know what to say like first of all um oh yeah first of all if you're new I'm here seven days a week this is my audio diary this is my audio vlog whatever you want to call it I do podcasts every day to update you guys on my life what I'm up to what I'm thinking about I don't know I committed to it seven days a week

on September 4th and haven't stopped since. So if you're new, go ahead and hit that subscribe button on the Apple podcast app. And there's, but wait, there's more, but wait, there's more head over to patreon.com slash TJMS. If you want to support the show and get access to my exclusive Patreon only content, got a lot of stuff coming out in the new year. Um, oh my gosh, I can't wait to say that at the end of the show talk to you guys next year fucking a I love how everyone does that see you next year like in school I don't know so yeah you do that right before Christmas break I remember every fucking Christmas break in elementary school you would say bye to your friends and you'd be like see you next year yeah so let's get into it do you guys really care about

my day do I just want to you know what usually I go into my day and what I did um I don't really feel like doing that I don't know what else to say other than like I wrote a lot um thought a lot I got you know what here's the thing about that though when I say a lot I mean a little when I say a lot I mean a little my new shit is simplifying the fuck out of everything boiling my life boiling everything down to like things I can fit on one hand simple tangible things that I'm focusing on and I put those things down and I'm not over my new thing is I'm not over complicating I'm not overthinking I'm just committing and going all in in fact I'm gonna bring this up because I was listening to um Tim Dillon and Andrew Schultz

this morning I was finishing up the podcast he was on the Tim Dillon show and he said the most he he repeated what I my epiphany I had that at some point in life you have to make a decision and stick to it and I think that happens for a lot of people um maybe in college when they set out on a career path that'll end them up in a end them up in a you know a surgery room doing heart surgery or they'll they'll be a lawyer or doctor like whatever it is that comes to them I feel like it came to me this year especially with the podcast I don't know why it just did I didn't like I love the fact this is something kind of I don't know if this is dumb to say or tell you guys but I kind of love that I didn't plan this because I feel like everything every

dream every goal I've had is some premeditated carefully thought out plan and this podcast was like it just it it's like when you you meet the love of your life and they just like happen to walk in the door you weren't even looking I feel like that's what this podcast was but I immediately had the the gut feeling that Jacqueline you have to make a decision this feels right do it you know and so I feel really good about that my life feels very fulfilling and full right now um because I'm I finally committed to something I love and I feel my passion so anyways um I just like that Tim said that because it makes that resonated with me a lot a lot um how are you guys doing what are you doing for New Year's Eve? I got people hitting me up like usual. I'm going to

be vague about what I'm doing tonight. I'm not going to say anything. I don't, I don't, here's the thing, guys, I'll just bring you into my personal life right now a little bit. I just got back to San Diego and people are aware, by people I mean the males, the men, the men in my life are aware. Not like I have a ton of men in my life, but, and it's just like, okay, how many fucking years Eve gatherings can I attend? You know, who do I choose? Who do I like? You know, it's a lot. So I don't want to get, I don't want to just, you know what? I'm not, I'm not going to go into that, but I feel like I got ambushed when I came back here. Hey, let's hang out. What are you doing oh you're back in San Diego let's do it I'm like oh shit here we go again um I mean it's

great you guys know my dating life this year was I mean I'm not gonna say let's just have a moment of silence for my dating life please bow your heads thank you um I've got a big plan next year it's called I'm gonna go like a bat out of hell fucking I'm just gonna send it next year as soon as I feel like the coast is gonna be clear in July ish like mid year I don't know why I feel like the vaccine will be rolling out to all the lay people all the normal people not just like the essential workers and doctors and the people working with COVID patients and the elderly however the rollout goes I feel like it'll be available to most people and then we'll just have this peace of mind that I don't know I'm gonna send it I don't I feel like there's gonna be a turning

point and I hope it's a celebration I hope it's a return to normalcy I'm gonna send it I just have a plan so right now still in the grind still trying to focus on my mental health side of things which is really good I think going home was amazing for me because in fact it was I needed to do that so much let me reflect on going home to Washington for a month I've never so I've been kind of whisked away in San Diego doing my own thing for a couple years now and whenever I go home it's only for a few days and that's it and then I come back it's for the holidays right and I feel like going home for a month really rebonded me with my family and now I'm I have this deep connection I miss them so much right now and I'm realizing how good I have it back

home and I think that was good for me to to do at the end of the year because like that solidified that I got to figure something out where I can get back home more often I don't know it's not that hard you just jump on a plane for two hours but um I don't know I feel like it was really good for all of our relationships to be together for that long um um anyways shit where was I going with this going home reflecting on that I don't know was I gonna go into the year guys I completely lost my train of thought typical um family time fuck you know speaking of family I'll just go off on a different topic because I can't remember what I was talking about it'll come back to me I feel like New

Year's Eve was always Martinelli's going to my grandpa's house staying up watching the ball drop in New York like we would have like ice cream and pizza and then at midnight we'd have these little poppers these little like they weren't how do I you know the things you pull it's like a little plastic tube that pops and there's like confetti that comes out we'd have those my grandpa would shoot a shotgun or whatever like he would just make a noise I don't we or we do fireworks it was always like a cool thing to do to be a little kid and stay up really late you'd have to like push yourself though because normally we would go to bed at like 8 p.m it's like the one time of year we stayed up really late anyways but uh I don't know what my family my mom I think

she's in Seattle right now staying at a hotel or something she sent me a picture of a bunch of Chinese food she got takeout tonight um anyways geez you know I did this last night I'm on my phone guys I'm on my phone see I I'm distracted I was talking about passion finding my passion podcasting I was going to reflect on this year talk about family um missing them I don't know where that came I just I'm all over the place um let's get into it 2020 what I what did I learn um I feel like I'll repeat myself a lot if you're if you're a daily listener so bear with me but um I finally like faced myself in the mirror and said, get your shit together. Simple. You know, I, I don't, how do I say this? I think

I, I, I like stepped into my, what do they say? Like you step into your power, you step into who you are and your authentic self. Like, I really feel like I'm in the process of doing that. And it started in I'd say August I was here's the thing so I woke up this morning and I was going through you know how everyone's posting the every story you go on right now looks like a little centipede at the top you have to tap through it for so long because everyone's posting their 2020 insta stories and like memories and shit with the date on it so I got sucked into that this morning I was doing it I immediately deleted them after like five minutes I was like this is annoying just like I don't know I don't want to like be that person I just personally I was like annoyed

by it so but I found found some videos of me talking to the camera and like showing like skincare showing like my little stuff like the way I was talking to the camera was like like I think let me try to do an impression of it I feel like I was not I was putting on an act I wasn't being authentic I wasn't really being myself I was trying to sound cute or something I don't even know how to explain it I just didn't I looked at the videos and I'm like who the fuck is this chick in April like what and it's amazing how the longer I sat with myself in this fucking quarantine time isolation whatever the better I got at being myself and being comfortable just showing you guys like exactly who I am and not having any like inhibitions or I don't think

about it I just like talk to you like I picked up the phone we've been friends for 10 years um you know like I know like I I have that uh I I put out that kind of energy now that's just like besties you know I instead of like the typical shit I was doing before I was like hi guys I'm putting on I had my Clarisonic doing like a tutorial on how to wash your face and shit in an insta story and I was like vomiting watching that today um fucking a what was I going to talk about okay lessons learned things I so yeah I got really good with sitting with myself accepting who I am like leaning into it leaning into my strengths I just read I don't know why I got I got sucked into like a birth chart thing I don't I don't okay astrology confuses me or doesn't

very it's very complicated if you get really in deep with it but I've never taken it seriously or really thought about it very much like I don't take time to research and learn about it I hear people talk about it. It's interesting, but I'm not like a, it's not my thing. I'm not into the astrology. I'm not into the crystals. I'm not into the, honestly, like the meditation stuff, the ohm sounds, the sound balls people do. Anything like that, I'm out. I don't know. I'm just not into it. I feel like here's where I'm at with that stuff. This is my honest review or honest like how I deal with that stuff I feel like I'm acting like if I so yoga is a slippery slope right I do yoga every day but I'm not I'm not into the not the science behind all like the

the gurus and all the terminology and the spiritual side of it like at all I don't think about it care about it I just like moving my body it feels great I like deep breathing I'm not like going in deep with it right but all that other stuff like if I was to sit in a circle doing a meditation with those sound you know those bowls people make noises with I couldn't take it serious I would sit there and I'd laugh. I'd start laughing. I would feel fake if I was sitting there trying to like be into it. I don't know. Maybe that's from, you know what that might be coming from. So I went to Catholic school. I went to, you know, Catholic church most of my life, you know, born and raised. And I feel like I was, I could never get into it. Like I couldn't,

I never, is this like, does this mean I'm like a fake bitch? I don't know. Like I never, I always felt like, what's this? What is this feeling? It's like, you don't, you're not fully immersed in it mentally. You're kind of always on the fence questioning it the whole time and kind of like observing it from a distance. Like you're there, but you're like, why are we doing this? This is stupid like that's how my brain works I always think like how are people believing this bullshit this hard you know I just think everything is psychotic like how people get so they're they take everything as truth you know especially in religion like I think from a young age I was like whoa this is culty this is great like a little bit I just noticed it early on and I'm not saying

there's anything wrong with having faith or being religious or you know and in fact I definitely feel a pull back to my faith especially during these times that's something I could talk about this year like um there's been moments where I'm praying to God like I just find myself in a very reverent what's the word like calm just peaceful state where I'm like closing my eyes whatever and I'm praying to God and I just feel like there's something going on in the world where, um, I'm being called back to it. And, but what was I going into other sound ball things? Yeah. I was talking about astrology. Why was it talking about that? God damn. Okay. So I'm all over the place. This might be, this might be the most, so December 31st,

final podcast of the year. Confusing as fuck. I'm sorry. So I was just reading my birth chart. why was I bringing that up oh something about something I learned on it guys I don't know what's happening are you okay is this is there a full moon you know what I think there's a full moon that's it I'm blaming the full moon I think it's a full moon a cancer moon speaking of zodiac signs and shit I was reading mine and I was like oh my god this is me to a tee maybe I'll get into it so back to oh I was talking about being a fake bitch on Instagram stories not oh my authentic self this is what happens on a podcast let me be honest right now I don't I I didn't premeditate this show I didn't make notes about 2020 to reference like I'm just going off the cuff so

this is what happens tangents i'm all over the place i literally feel like i had three different thoughts i didn't complete for you guys and i apologize um fucking full moon so this is a train wreck do i do i start it over i always question that when i'm in the middle of a show i'm like well i could always just scratch scrap this and start it over but you know I don't do that um back to what I was saying I turned into who I am fucking it what was I like came out the other side of 2020 who I'm supposed to be and I feel really connected to her I feel really um proud of her talking about myself I feel very like I love her I'm excited for her I know that

next year is gonna be probably my best year uh it will be I don't know why I think that I just feel like I have this superstition that when everyone you know like the whole 27 club thing I don't want to be 27 and going through it like I did in 2020 like this year was a train wreck started out kind of so I came out of 2019 you guys don't even know this maybe I'll bring you up to speed I was working for a startup company for a year quit cold turkey try to make things happen for the next throughout 2019 just like peace and shit together just trying to like find myself again because I was like soul stripped I got there's so much I could go into about that job and that experience and I don't really honestly I I don't I don't even it doesn't

even matter to me anymore. I don't even think about it or, or any, like, I'm literally thinking about it for the first time, probably in fucking months. Like I'm just trying to catch you guys up to speed. So coming into 2020, I was kind of still piecing shit together, trying to figure out what I'm going to do career wise. And, uh, just like I was going to move and, uh, it's not out of San Diego, but somewhere new. And then, you know, found a new apartment closer to the city, got a new job lost the job and then I was like okay fuck my life the world's crazy I did guys I don't think I've told you the story of me yeah I did I did delivery for like elderly people's groceries to get me out of the house I did that and what else then I got depressed I got depressed as

fuck in like April May June July April May June yeah for like four months I was in the I was in a shitter like I was so low and then the big turning point was with my mom and sister why do I have hiccups my mom and sister visited me and then you know I've told the story a million times they chewed me out well in a healthy constructive way told me told me I need to get my shit together and now I have my shit together so yay um I guess I'm gonna repeat this too something I learned this year was you can't rely on other people to make you happy or external experiences activities you know events are like a band-aid or they just they're like filler you know they're like a buffer to make you happy and then if you take

that buffer away you're like okay do I like myself am I happy alone and I discovered no I don't I sit and talk shit to myself all day that spirals me into depression I hate who I am I have all this negative self-talk low self-esteem zero like confidence and I don't know why that's just what happened and it's maybe genetic maybe it's part of it's very I feel like it's very circumstantial or very um situational I think that whole thing was situational that depressive time because I don't feel like I'm naturally just low but again I I was telling I was talking to my mom this during those times I was like I always like in order for me to be happy like just naturally doing well I have to be like a fucking marine navy seal whatever I don't know crossfitter

I have to do like intense workouts crazy workouts like I have to kill myself like with cardio or heavy lifting or like whatever like I have to do really intense training to get endorphins to feel good and then I have to be around a ton of people all day like office space with tons of co-workers or friends and activities doing things like that's how I'm happy and that's normal like I feel like exercise and friends and community and co-workers that's great right like you should have that in your life to keep you happy but the missing piece that I was not aware of until this year was me and just happiness with me and loving me and that's kind of deep but you take all those things I just mentioned away and I was like that was broken and I and I'm fixing it and I think that's

what life's all about, I really am proud of that, I really feel like I'm, like, not embarrassed or ashamed of that, I think a lot of people, I'm sure you might relate to that, like, you've got a lot of external things at play to keep you up, and then you take that away, and you're, like, fuck my life, I just feel like a loser, I hate myself, I, you know, you pick yourself apart, but yeah, so I discovered that this year, that you gotta figure, you gotta have, you gotta love yourself first it's like the cliche but you really do um I feel awesome like I just feel cool interesting fun I haven't been funny lately like I'm not gonna be like you know I feel like the show a lot of the times I'm just like fucking going off about things I think are funny you know and

I have more fun. Um, but I, I think I know how to have a good time, have fun, crack a joke. I'm conversational. I don't know. I don't like a year ago. I don't think I could say that about myself. I didn't really know who I was. I was just kind of playing the game of life, trying to like, you know, make it, I guess. And when you're in survival mode, I think when you're in that mode, you don't like I had a lot of time to think and I had a lot of downtime this year and um but when you're just grinding going along with the world running in the rat race you get caught up in those things you don't really you can lose yourself really easily if you don't take those moments to reflect that's selfishly why I like this podcast is it forces me

to sit down with myself I'm alone and work my shit out talk it out it's like there it's like you know and I can't recommend this enough I think every now and then I get a dm like oh you make me want to start a podcast like it sounds like you have a lot of fun doing it by yourself like I tell you guys all the time even if no one's listening just the process of doing it process of speaking something out into the world with no audience like no one's in this room no one's here it's very I feel like it's a healthy practice a lot of people talk about morning pages journaling meditation and I think my I I'm a talker you know I like talking I like conversation and I think all those other things I mentioned are boring as fuck I just like don't buy into it

that's what I was going into earlier like for me to do any of that shit is so like I feel like I'm playing an act like I oh I'm meditating I'm supposed to I'm supposed to be making these noises saying this chant sitting still like I just sit there and question the whole thing I'm like why am I doing this I don't want to do this so I found something that's not I guess this could be meditation whatever I don't you know people that work out call it meditation I'm calling podcasting meditation whatever um but I I decided another thing this year another lesson 2020 or epiphany I don't do shit I don't want to do anymore I don't say yes to people anymore I don't people please anymore I don't and that's not a see that can be taken as oh well you're you know selfish

or conceited or whatever but if you don't take care of your needs and your wants and your happiness first like you're gonna be miserable your whole life trying to make other people happy and I've realized like you'll never make you can't make everyone happy and it's okay to say no and put your foot down and say I'm not doing that and I finally figured that out this year I'm like I'm sick and tired of I feel like I've lost days hours years of my life just like living for other people and trying to make them like me and accept me and it's like in dating when I was younger like I was dating soccer players I'm like I love soccer I didn't like soccer like I didn't actually like it I was just trying to like nerd out with them about it

you know all of a sudden I'm watching fucking you know soccer games on tv and I'm like I don't I watch football what am I doing you know and I don't do that shit anymore especially in relationships I'm not dude I'll go like what's an example of something that I'll go along for the ride on but I don't love dating wise I'm pretty I mean who okay like what's a good example maybe something that's like dumb like fucking dodgeball like let's say I'm dating a guy that's obsessed with dodgeball this is such a weird example and he's like you got to come play it's so fun oh my gosh you're gonna have such a great or softball like a softball team he's on and he wants me to join it like I'm not fucking doing that like you know I just like let's not I don't

want to be dragged into that like I'd rather date someone who has his things that he likes to do and then I do my things and we're independent we have mutual respect for each other's hobbies and interests but we're not it's not like a oh she's not fun she's not cool because she doesn't want to come along to the fucking dodgeball game and play like I don't know stupid example I did jump in the ocean one time when I didn't want to jump in the ocean on a date and uh or I was pressured into doing that and I was like at the time I didn't want to I was scared I just like didn't I wasn't feeling it and I was made to feel like a loser because I I'm not like cool and adventurous and yeah but I don't know now I don't let that shit get to me I don't care um I like what I

like I don't do shit I don't want to do um back on my phone what am I doing holy shit 2020 let's keep going um I hope so I didn't get coronaviruses here thank god uh I don't want to get it I don't think anyone wants to get it you do you want to get it I mean maybe some people do so they get those antibodies and they just get it over with but I hate to think that my mom well we joke about it she's like well yeah but if you lose your taste and smell like that's the best skinny bitch diet of all time like yay you know if you can't smell or taste anything like you'll fucking just down you know leaves and like kale and fucking just like healthy fucking food all the time you won't care because you can't taste it anyways but I didn't get it I stayed my physical

health took it took a downturn I was looking at pictures like this is the this is like just what it is I was like you know I feel like I'm me but just like I just inflated a little bit like my body just kind of inflated and I don't know it's just what happened you know I gained weight but I'm just like well I've been inflowing with well if I lose weight boobs go away boobs go away and I don't know if I'm ready for that I hope they stay I'm like how can I make my boobs stay and lose weight how does that happen because I don't really like I I feel like I'm the type of person who just gains weight everywhere I don't you know some people can they get it all in their ass they get it all in their tits like I get it I feel like everywhere so whatever I just feel like I

yeah I inflated so that happened this year but here's a positive thing about that let me get into it I think maybe I've mentioned this before for the first time in life I gained some weight I'm not a bitch to myself about it. I'm not freaked out by it. I'm not like, I don't look in the mirror and hate how I look. I just actually, I feel really, I, I don't know. I feel like I feel more womanly. I don't know. Like I feel confident and sexy and like, like curvy. Like it's nice. Um, but I like, see my thing though is I, I always preach this. Hey, if you like being a certain size weight like whatever body leanness fat whatever you want what are these terminologies these fucking words body fat percentage if if you've if you got that in your

head you and you know that's when you're happiest and you feel the best like go for it there's nothing wrong with that um so yeah I'm kind of on that journey right now going back down some pounds just to like just feel better in my clothes especially because you know the fucking sweatpants here this is my comfy year this is my cozy year I just like wore a bunch of baggy t-shirts and yoga pants every day and I felt like you know that scene in Mean Girls and Regina's like it's all that fits me right now it's all that fits she had the sweat suit on because she got the um what's her name Carly no what's Lindsay Lohan's character's name Catherine Katie Katie Heron right yeah she was feeding her those protein bars are making her fat

she's like sabotaging her so yeah I feel like I had my comfy year my sweatpants here but I'm over it I actually took out I did a big clothing when I came back and unpacked all my stuff from Washington I like went through all my cute clothes and I don't know it always inspires me to like see my cute outfits I'm like oh because I know shit's gonna open back up and I'm like I can't wait to like okay first of all that's an incorrect statement shit's open I could go out I could socialize I could be out places doing fun shit but I don't know I just like need I need to d I need to un I need to deprogram that for my head like I see it all over social media people living a fucking normal life you know being safe corona you know social distance you got a lot of fucking

shit masked up but uh I just don't I haven't participated like I plan on next year so anyways I pulled out the cute clothes I'm like I can't wait to just like get back into this and you know get all I my favorite shit ever my favorite shit ever is going out and like for two hours before you go out like getting ready and like making your hair look nice your nails all your you know everything like your makeup time I'll spend like an hour slowly doing my makeup listening to music like I'm with friends it's like a fun fucking time like that's I live for that and I feel like that's been missing like I need to find more girlfriends I just need to find my people and I honestly feel like next year I'm gonna get I'm gonna get so desperate next year

literally tomorrow I feel like I'm gonna get so desperate and just hit people up like hey you want to be friends like can we hang out like I'm gonna be that person I want to have people here all the time I want to be at places I feel like I'm starved of like friends right now and I don't like that because I'm at my best like when I have but I'm like everyone usually is at their best when they have a fun social life and friends right that's obvious but I feel better about going into it now because I'm so secure with myself. You know, I think before I was really insecure. This is wild guys. This, this is wild to realize. I feel like in college, even after college, just meeting people in San Diego when I moved here, I was, I wasn't comfortable with

myself with new people. Like I am now, like I was okay. I wasn't the worst, but I think I had a lot of like dysmorphic ideas of my personality and how I came across and I would downplay it a lot and I would try to like change a little bit to make people feel more comfortable around me and I try to make them happy with how I act like I was just like trying to figure people out in this stupid fucking way instead of just being myself so now I notice this like when I'm at the store this is where I test it whenever I'm at a coffee stand the grocery store post-op like wherever I am in public I take my fucking time with people and I'm not my heart doesn't race it's not like I have social anxiety but I feel like in the past I would kind of brush people off and kind of

move around quickly and not really I wasn't very interested in them or nice to them fully I was just kind of like there to do my shit and get out but now I feel like I make it I make a point to like have a nice little interaction. And I've never felt more comfortable about myself doing that in public with strangers. Like you might think, I don't know, you might think, oh, that's weird. It doesn't seem like that. Maybe you, you're overthinking it, but I know it's like a different feeling. It's how I feel doing it is like, I just feel, guys, I think this is as good as it's gonna get and no bullshit like I really feel like I came into my own by the end of the year here and you know I heard my family say oh we noticed it when you came home

we're like Jack's back Jack's back this is her she's good you know and then I brought that by my brother because my mom was telling me that and I'm like yeah do you is that what's going on like do you feel that way? He's like, no, you're, you've never changed. You're still the same. I'm like, yeah, but I think personally I feel different. I feel more myself than I've ever felt. Okay. Is that kind of like a jumbled tangent, you know, like kind of going all over the place? Yeah, it kind of was. Um, shout out Joe Rogan for, uh, post in this about new year's happy new year's he posted a fireworks video happy new year i love you we can do better whether you're scared or brave or insecure whether you're sad or happy we can

work together being apart and scared is only contributing to the confusion in the world we all want acceptance we all want love we want to extend that offer out to others if we truly want the world to be a better place I know it's scary and I know we'll all have an instinct to protect ourselves but if we all agree that we're all on the same page and if we all understand that we all really just want to be loved and love each other you talk about loving each other a lot this is cool we can all make the world a better place that's what I'm reaching for and I hope you reach out and meet me there that's a nice little you know end of the year Joe Rogan post he really helped me during this time you know gotta give it out or shout out Joe Rogan because

I don't have like here's the thing I think we all like this about podcasts and listening to them it's like sitting around a campfire listening to your elders talk about life and shit I feel like he does a good job with that on a show with his interviews he invites cool people to have great perspectives on what's going on in the world and I feel like that helped me stay sane during this whole time I remember during the beginning of the pandemic I would go on walks and listen to his podcast and you know I was just seeing stuff on the news and social media like that's that's the only information I was getting right but then I would listen to his podcast and would dissect it he'd have great conversations about it really level-headed like common sense conversations and

it really helped me just get through any kind of anxiety or worry or fear I had because it was such a weird guys that was such a weird time and the feeling this is what's cool I I go back and I don't know if this is my inner I was looking at my zodiac sign this is my inner cancer thing I'm highly like in tune with my feelings and I and I'm like I'm I have a strong connection to them or I have an awareness of them but this is like a dumb example but being in the grocery store in March like masked up around people I was like holding my breath I remember I was so freaked out I was like wait I can't touch anything I gotta sanitize everything I gotta like can't be close to people I can't breathe like I felt uncomfortable the feeling

being in a grocery store was so like uncomfortable so I just thought everyone breathing was gonna like kill like not kill me but like give me coronavirus where now it's like unfazed literally everything's normal I don't like obviously there's a there's a virus there's a fucking pandemic pandemic pandemic there's a pandemic but uh I have zero anxiety about it I'm just like okay try to keep your shit healthy try to stay healthy I feel like I'm upset right now because I didn't finish the tangents I started in the beginning and I'm really trying to remember what I was gonna talk talk talk about but I couldn't remember um dude I saw this someone posted a meme that was like I'm just gonna read it this is like wild whoever thought of this is

genius does it bother anyone else that next year is pronounced 2021 like 2021 like they won the year one it beat us that's fucked up 2021 my 2021 first episode is episode 120 I thought of that just before the show today I was like oh tomorrow's 120 I'm a third of the way through it's cool um should I go back on my camera roll this might be a good thing to do just to like remember what I was up to I don't know I'm like always like posting like taking pictures of flowers and shit on my walk like I just have all these pictures of being on walks back earlier in the year um you guys don't you guys might not know you might not know this hold on you drink some water you guys might not know this but I had a conversation after I lost my job with my my mom

and she was like they like booked or they were gonna fly down here help me pack up all my shit get a u-haul and like ship me back to Washington like I was close to moving back because I didn't know what was going on. And no one did. And I almost moved back there for the year or however long to ride this out. And you guys might not, I don't think I've told you guys that. I was like so close to moving back home at one point. And there was something inside of me that was like, because you guys have to understand this. And I don't know, I'm not, I think former me would be shy to admit this, but I don't really have a lot of shit going on here. You know, been here a couple years at first I did at first I felt fully immersed the crew of people a job a life like I

had a lot going on I had this rock star lifestyle for a year I was here and then year two has been trying to figure all you know figure it all out and now 2020 is like wait 2018 how many years have I been here wait a minute so 20 holy shit have I been here three years oh wait guys I'm sorry I'm doing this right now I don't think I calculate it right when I thought about it so wait it's 2021 I got here in 2018 wait 2018 June 2019 June is one year 2020 June is two years two and a half right yeah so I've been here two and a half years but basically I've been piecing shit together and lately so I back to what I was saying about moving I didn't really have a lot going on but there's something inside of me that was like I know I just moved to my own apartment

and I don't have really I don't have a lot of friends down here I don't really know any people everything's shutting down but a piece of me was like you're gonna figure it out and I have this drive in me or this like not drive I have this knowing this internal like optimism whatever you're gonna fucking call it Gary V uh it's very Gary V Gary V of me that everything's going to work out and get better and it's not always going to be hell and I was willing to ride that storm out alone instead of moving back to Washington so I'm really glad I made that decision I think it put me in a hole and I was supposed to be in that hole because I needed to get out on the other side and be where I'm at today and I know this

sounds like a fucking inspirational speech but that's really how life is and I'll be honest 2020 was like a relapse for me for in a lot of ways like a lot of the problems the mental health issues that I dealt with in my 20s so far resurfaced really bad and that's part you know the depression that whole thing I feel like I had glimmers of when I was younger and then it just snow like it just fucking bombed me in the spring when this all went down and I'm glad it happened that hard because now I'm like okay I never want I never want to deal with this shit again I don't want to I don't want to go backwards I don't want to repeat I don't want to never solve like I just I have this I'm like a little butterfly like I'm literally on the way

out of my little cocoon like I'm out I'm out of that shit and life's not linear you know happiness isn't linear um I keep talking about Logan Paul in fact I talked about talked about him yesterday but he mentions a lot how throughout his life he's had this consistent level of happiness he hasn't really experienced super low lows or super like his highs are really high obviously with his career and what he's he's done but he just like has this sustained happiness and I like that idea or that I feel like now that's what I'm trying to strive for like keeping myself that can I want to be consistent I don't want to have like dips where you know you guys get it okay so 2020 2021 2022 it's so weird I used to work in retail I worked at coach and sold purses and I'll never

forget this is a huge crazy thing to realize right now the girl a girl I worked with she was a stockroom girl said she was 25 at the time and I was like 19 18 I think it was 18 she's like just wait someday you'll be 25 and you'll look at your life and be like why am I working retail why am I here what am I doing with my life I didn't want to do this when I was your age I didn't dream to do this and here I am stuck in this job working retail in a stock room like she told me that and now I'm 26 you know and I'm like wait so I don't feel like that happened to me at all but it it was a slip 2019 to 2020 were very pivotal very important years for me to remember that because I feel like if I didn't pull my shit out of the hole this year and get where I'm at

right now I would I'd be fucked like I would be and I just I'm not that kind of person here's something to remember about myself this is an important thing to remember is I'm not the type of person that goes years months years long stretches of time in the dumps like I get to I work I think it's what my mom's always taught me you got to recover quickly like I'm not proud of okay I basically had four months of a dip but you know what who the fuck it was you know shit happened in the world lockdowns weird shit happened like everything was weird and you know I didn't have a lot going on. So, you know, four months of that, you know, I'll, I'll let that slide, but I don't, I'm not, I could never go like five, two years being in the dumps and not

get my shit together. I have too much ambition drive, like desire to like move forward in life. I love that Kevin Hart interview, Jerry episode with, uh, with him where he would talk about life's a game it's like each time you learn something new or you do something it's like you got to the next level in the game it's like the game of life and I've always thought of it like that too like I like the gate I like to think of life in a gamified way like for example the podcast. I could approach this like it's a game. And for me right now, it's like every dream, desire, hope, I feel like the typical podcaster sets out to do with their show doesn't even exist in my head. Like it, I don't, I'm not, how do I say this?

I think I mentioned this a couple days ago like to be big and well known and be on the top charts you know that idea or that dream or that whatever isn't in my head at all because I don't maybe I'm am I scared of that no I just like don't that's not what this is about like and that's I'm not trying to be like humble or what's the word like shy about it or I'm not being fake about that, it's literally, like, I, this is a survival tool, like, for me to stay, like, well, I don't know how else to say it, like, I, this is, like, journaling in a journal, and it's, instead, it's me talking it out every day, but it's kind of, like, keeping me going, it's keeping me happy, it's keeping me, it's helping build my self-esteem, my confidence,

um I'm getting to know myself better than ever right now and that's my goal right now with it like I'm just trying to stay on this little train just chugging along doing my own thing and staying in my lane and all that other flashy big cool top chart shit is like year 30 like I don't even you know I don't know fuck oh my god guys you guys I don't know where I went with this show today do I need to button it up maybe I talk to you guys what I'm gonna do what am I gonna do tomorrow thanks for asking I'm gonna go on a hike I was I feel like I hiked last new year's too um you know just like start start the year out getting on top of a mountain looking out at the ocean taking a deep breath that's how I want to do it and then I don't know

it's Friday I kind of I have a love hate that the new year started on Friday uh it's perfect though for New Year's well I don't know this is like a dumb I'm like talking in circles maybe I could go into what I did today do you guys care do you guys get okay did I cover everything I feel like I didn't um another good thing I did is I feel like I um like my relationship with my dad's really good right now that's something I wanted to work on um we like talk on the phone like 10 times more, more than we ever have. And I just really like, like we are just really good right now. And, um, for a minute there, especially when I moved here, I like, wasn't really talking or seeing, seeing him very much and talking to him or seeing him. So I don't know. I feel like

that's been a good thing this year. Um, I realized I want a dog and not a cat that happened. I literally cried I was watching a TikTok of they do this thing on TikTok where they show a dog or it's usually a dog full grown and it was like it started when you were younger you were mine my boo that song what is that song Usher my boo started when we were younger you were my boo and it shows like the dog and then it does this like blurry noise thing and then it shows the dog small but it's in the it'll be in the same place so tonight there was a um excuse me last night i was watching it there was a like a pit bull or whatever sitting in a bathtub and then full grown and then it showed the puppy after the blurry part like of the same dog sitting in the bathtub

same place it was so cute and I literally I get I like get emotional when I see dogs now like and I think Odie changed me Odie was like and here's the thing I was reading you know maybe I'll end it I'll read some stuff about my birth chart stuff I learned I need to nurture and care for something and plants are not fucking doing it house plants are a joke like I need a living breathing eating shitting thing around me at all times. I feel like, look, I'm 26. My grandparents had like four kids at this point in their life. Clock's ticking. I think my mom was married at this age. She had kids at 28. Yeah. Like what am I doing with my life? Like I need an animal to start, obviously I need a dog. Um, but I'm very nurturing. Like I need to take care of something

and um yeah let me read some of my i'll just finish it with this guys because maybe it's interesting if you want to know and here's the thing about my so what you do on your astrology birth chart is you put in your date of birth your time the time you were born born born born and where you were born like the city you were born in and then what it does is it pumps out a birth chart so it'll based on the time of day the date and then the longitude latitude all that shit it like shows what the stars and the planets were like at that time so it's all legit when you really think about it it's all legit like that because every time you can track the planets and the stars and you can like there you can there you can collect that data and use it to explain

well this is the part that I just think is a bunch of bullshit when they try to explain things based on that but basically mine is um let me read my some of the just like a few of the different things I got off of it but I'll say this every time I read this I go oh yeah that is so me like this is so me the archetype for cancer cancer I'm July 7th so I'm a cancer cancer sign the archetype for cancer is the parent or caregiver like I just said nurturing you know if your son is in cancer mine is you have an absolute need to care for someone or even something if you do not have a child or a pet you may want to consider a holy fuck I can't believe this is what it says if you do not have a child or a pet you may want to consider at least

a house plant if you do not have anyone to care for you could start to turn yourself into a self pity into you could start to turn in on yourself in self-pity or self-protectiveness if that happens you can become irritable and turn your sharp claws on others well maybe that's happening I don't know I need yeah so that's me to a t like I need to nurture and care for something I love that like I feel like that is my calling that is my um reason to be here like nothing makes me happier than taking care of something like feeding something it's so it's simple. Like if I could feed a person, a dog, whatever, like make their bed, do their, like, I love it. So ascendant and Leo, this is what I really relate to. This means this is what

my outward personality looks like the most. So when your ascendant sign is Leo, which is next to cancer those are opposing signs i know i can probably never date a leo again because it clashes really hard um you are outgoing and you know how to put on a show hey guys episode 119 welcome back to the fucking show like literally what i'm doing right now you have a tendency to be larger than life and stand and stand out in a crowd this may or may not reflect who you truly are inside if you have a chart that is extroverted a leo ascendant will magnify these qualities so oh if the rest of your chart is quieter you will hide your true nature under a flashy exterior i do feel this so i have this deeply intellectual introverted homebody

like nurturing vibe to me that's like calm and like quiet and to myself but the ascendant leo is like i don't know maybe there's a lot of maybe there's a lot of like maybe people that are entertainers maybe all if they have this too where like when people when you're in how you portray yourself and how you exude your like your personality type comes off like a like a very charming charismatic entertaining like loud obnoxious like whatever you want to call it um like want to be seen want to put on a show type of person but that's like the opposite of like my true like my true nature of just like my I'd say my resting position or my resting state excuse me

my resting state is very cancerous that's such a weird zodiac sign cancer but that's what it's called it's my resting state is very like just like calm nurture like what's the term like docile no I don't know and then I come out of my shell and I like put on a show and I'm like very outgoing and everything so anyways um here's something else yeah moon and cancer this is huge the moon rules cancer I've always felt like this weird connection to the moon who the fuck knows but also the sun see here's the thing I didn't know anything about this zodiac stuff until like two years ago one of my friends was like you got to do your birth chart you got to figure this out and I read it and it blew my mind and I was doing a different

one tonight I was trying to look up my projection which will tell me about 2021 something like that but um I remember being a little kid and like the moon was like I just felt something going on there really hard and I remember whenever there was rain this is like such a little kid thing whenever there's rain coming down on the window did anyone else do this I would like stick my finger no not rain oh I try to like stop the raindrops with my finger okay that's something different but I'd put my thumb where the moon is and squint my eye to like cover it and then would look it would look really or my thumb would hide it and then I'd open my eye and then it would you know go huge but I don't know I just felt like and then I got a telescope to look at the

moon it's really into like the moon I don't know and then I moved to the sun I moved to the sunny warm weather here in California like maybe there's something to that who knows because I have both like my I've got sun what is it sun and moon and cancer wait I don't even I'm probably I'm probably completely fucking this up um oh i like this part you are likely an excellent cook and cooking can be quite therapeutic for you yes so let me go to the beginning of this the moon rules in cancer which makes the moon very powerful in your chart no matter what else your chart shows you will have a kind and nurturing manner you will care deeply for other people as well for as well as for animals and even houseplants this is funny in general you will manifest

the positive qualities of cancer although you could still be prone to some of the more negative qualities such as moodiness and irritability yet these will fade away quickly when you focus on your concern for others holy fuck so I that is me a hundred percent like when I'm helping people when I'm around other people I'm my best and then if I don't have that going on in my life I get I can get irritable like I guess moody whatever you want to call it because I need to like serve like I need to and here's the thing what I'm saying right now applies to every other fucking sign or zodiac symbol of every other chart every person walking this planet that applies to everyone but I don't know this is something that is very me to a tee

um okay in order for you to get the most out of cooking okay it is important wait it will be important that you are cooking for someone else it will bring you great pleasure when others eat everything that you have prepared for them and want more. So best time of my life, one of the most fulfilling times. There's a lot of things at play here, but let's just say I was in a situation, a living with a man situation who I woke up every day and cooked breakfast for, made lunches like I lived with him like it was like I was a housewife and I loved it like the feeling of like someone smelling breakfast or like when someone smells breakfast and they're excited about it I that's I love just knowing they're happy that is my favorite I feel like

that time was so good for me like I experienced that I call that housewife training that whole like relationship situation I was in so whatever but um it made me feel so alive and happy because I was cooking for someone else I hate cooking for myself I don't hate it it's just like not the same um this is a long ass podcast I'm literally going hey guys here's my 2020 reflection then we're going to talk about my zodiac sign um this is my so mercury my other planet and gemini this is interesting you have a ton of intellectual curiosity and you have a very good communication skills you know a lot about many different subjects although you get bored easily if you must stick to one thing for too long so I that is so me intellectual curiosity

community good communication skills yep I do know a lot about a bunch of subjects but I get bored that's that's a whole problem I had I told you guys so many times on the show like forever I've been half pregnant on 10 things I can't pick anything I constantly get distracted with new ideas and curiosities and things going on I want to learn about and I never pick one thing and I'm finding that I'm not bored when I stick to one thing I actually feel better when I do that so whatever Venus and Leo this is about attractiveness I guess you are attracted to people who are larger than life and you have a great talent for flirtation I feel like I am like that I don't know if your son is also in Leo this will enhance your charm and grace on the other

hand your ego can get in the way of true intimacy and caring if you are not careful yeah I feel like I have the flirting thing like it's very natural like I have a you know how people just have like a sexual they're like more what's the word I don't want to be like oh I'm a sexual person but I kind of am I feel like I've always been that way whatever it's probably because my sign says I'm a Venus and Leo okay Mars and Gemini you're very active I don't want to go through this whole thing I was trying to look up so this the projection chart I think it's called your natal chart tells you about the new year and like what's coming and I'm trying to figure out which planet I'm supposed to look up. I don't know. So here's the thing. It's probably all

bullshit, but a lot of that made sense to me and whatever. That's how I wanted to end this show, I guess. So I was looking up that earlier. All right, guys. Happy New Year's Eve. Happy New Year. If you're not going to listen tomorrow, I'll be here tomorrow on New Year's. I'm here seven days a week, go ahead and hit that subscribe button if you haven't already. Yeah, that's all I got for you today. I'm, I don't know. I'm chill about the new year. I'm not, I feel differently. I think everyone does going into it because it's like, we don't really know what's gonna happen it's all unfolding right now and so it's hard to plan and hard to like if you want to travel in February like good luck if that's on your resolution thing because like who

the like I don't know so yeah I'm just kind of like rolling with the punches trying to stay on my grind trying to keep my shit simple like I said in the beginning I have a very simple plan that I can achieve that's gonna work for me that I know I can be successful at so I'm excited to execute on this mission and I'll be honest there's something I'm in the midst of doing that is like nobody knows and I don't want to be like this but I think it might be fun to watch eventually but I'm trying to like think of a way to tell you guys without telling you or like you know so that's that'll be fun for 2021 um maybe I'll reveal it on patreon.com slash tjms over on my patreon go ahead and subscribe if you want to maybe see that in the future

I'll tease it I'm sure I'll tell you guys at some point but I got a big exciting endeavor for 2021 and uh keeping it to myself right now but yeah that's all i got today happy new year's eve stay safe don't blow a firework in your face i feel like there's always that shit show on the neighborhood block like someone just fucking burn their hand off burn their face off i forget though new year's is a firework a firework display too not just the fourth all right that's it that's episode 119 you know if it was a train wreck in your eyes I just have to put this out there I just every time it's an odd number episode 119 I'm pissed off at this number anyways like what a bullshit number like 119 it's just you know it's

not a great number. 120 sounds a lot better. It's just like an even number. It's a multiple of 10. It's like a good number, right? Like 119 pisses me the fuck off. So, you know, I'll try better. I'll try hard tomorrow. New Year's Day. I'll send it for New Year's Day. Happy fucking New Year tomorrow. Can't wait. Yeah, that's it, guys. Have a great New Year's Eve and I'll talk to you tomorrow. All right. Bye.