The Jacqueline Monroe Show - 12- Hello 911 I'm On Fire

Episode Date: September 15, 2020

It's Tuesday. Here's a Podcast! Subscribe to my YouTube for the video podcast launch next month. Can't wait to hangout with you on video! Yay :) 

what's up everyone episode 12 welcome back to the podcast um oh shit okay wait who's triggered right now i need to turn this off sorry i was playing with my sound effects hi happy tuesday uh episode 12 uh go seahawks 12th man i can uh i identify as a member of the 12th man because i'm from, I'm from, uh, the Seattle area and that is my, my team up there. Go Seahawks. This is gonna be a great episode. I'm feeling myself. It's Tuesday, Taco Tuesday. Who's having tacos later? I'm not. Um, I'm just, I've got a lot of notes ahead of me. I have a lot to talk about. Of course, I'm feeling like this could be a two hour ordeal again, but, um, yeah, uh, I had this thought. I was like who okay it's more normal in 2020 I think it's more normal to be crazy like and have issues

like like crazy mental health issues it's that's normal I don't think it's normal like how did people if people held their shit together this whole year I don't think that's I'm scared of those people how do they do it because I straight up went from what I thought was normal in a sales job in March losing that to fucking depression and issues mental health like issues out the ass to now I'm talking to myself trying to improve my mental health issues and I think this is starting I know I would come across as a crazy person to most people um yeah I just saw that like if you held your shit together this year I'm scared of you I am scared of you I think uh being crazy in 2020 is, is, is normal. Uh, let's talk about the last 24 hours. Let me give you a

life update. I don't know why I just went off on that. Um, of course, sitting here with my coffee, shout out nut pods, French kiss. Do you, do you, uh, do you like when I kiss you? I always kiss everyone on the podcast, French kiss, nut pods, vanilla creamer. I keep seeing everyone use it all over Tik TOK and shit when they do their coffee recipes. Cause yeah, I'm on coffee Tik talk I am on coffee tick tock and yeah nut pods is my new creamer I got from my whole foods delivery yesterday uh I hope you guys enjoyed that little segment in the podcast where I live on audio or whatever picked up my grocery delivery outside with no pants and I like had my I literally had my laptop in my left hand groceries in my right hand cords hanging and I had my fucking headset

on and there's people walking by and I said hi to them so yeah go back and listen that episode if you're curious how that ended, you know, how that played out, but anyways, I got my nut pods from my Whole Foods delivery yesterday, I'm pissed, my protein powder was sold out, so they didn't deliver it, but these are complete first world problems, I understand, but I've been trying to explain to my mom, because she's freaked out when I say, oh, I get grocery delivery, it's, I save, I probably save, okay, I'm trying to think of, like, how much I spend on groceries, uh, uh I don't know but I I feel like I save money when I do grocery delivery because I only buy exactly what I buy exactly what I need I'm not doing any browsing and like picking up random

shit from wandering around the grocery store I buy what I need that's it and so anyways I'm trying to tell you about my coffee so nut pods french kiss great creamer uh my freaking okay I was disappointed my try not to say the f word so I said freaking and now I feel like I'm like I don't want to be like freaking when people say like freaking or freaking I'm like dude it's so annoying so I'm gonna say fucking my fucking ground coffee excuse my fucking what's it called uh instant coffee so you know when it's like online it looks a certain way and then you get it in person is like what the hell my uh it was 11 and this container of instant coffee because I love instant coffee I've already told told everyone about this in past episodes it's underrated

ice is underrated like eating ice as a meal is underrated and then like part of your coffee and breakfast and everything and then an ice shape and texture is very important to me I've already talked about this but instant coffee is underrated but anyways I get this container out of my whole foods bag delivery thing and it is so tiny I'm gonna blast through this in two days and it was like opening I mean it's a size I would say I expected it to be the size of uh what's like a good comparison uh I don't know like two marinara sauce jars combined like that kind of volume of instant coffee but it was literally like a fucking freaking freaking uh peanut butter, or like a tiny honey jar, why am I telling you this, anyways, I was disappointed,

but it's good coffee, organic, fair trade, Colombian, instant coffee, dude, I'm bougie, I'm bougie about it with my instant coffee, um, see, I'm drinking that, who's sick of me talking about coffee, I'm not, um, okay, let's see what else happened, I, dude, I need to take a drink I haven't drank yet dude I constantly I consciously do you ever get like pissed off at yourself when you do something you're like why did I do that before this podcast let me spit this ice out before this podcast I had a little green straw on it because I took a picture for um to post on Instagram after I record this of my anyways you'll see it but I had the straw in the coffee and I got pissed off at myself so I literally just like took it I like got up threw it in the

sink from my seat like imagine me sitting here at my podcast in my studio here my fucking kitchen studio I threw it with my right hand into my sink it it went in I was a former um uh I was a sharpshooter a point guard sharpshooter three-point shooter whatever the fuck I was a wing guard I can't even I don't even know what that I was a basketball player okay so I flinged it in the sink because I was pissed off I was like Jacqueline you don't use straws because you like chewing the ice when you drink the coffee with the straw it doesn't like you you just you can't use the straw so anyways random information you guys don't care about but I'm feeling so good and joyful and happy oh my gosh okay guys this podcast if I could like put this into three words not only is it free

it's free for you to subscribe and listen to it's free it's joyful and it's so honest and I really think like it's free of course it's joyful and honest that's how that's how I would describe it because I'm just having fun I feel like it's it's like me I'm I feel honest I feel like I've been the most honest I've ever been in my life instead of being ashamed by my life stories I've been oversharing and I've been just telling you guys everything and I feel so good about it like I'm just sitting here like leaning back of course like I do on I get so comfortable when I podcast so I start leaning back but that's how I feel it's just it's joyful it's free it's honest I'm just a kid having fun there's no objective here there's no purpose you guys

aren't tuning in to learn about anything and I do feel self-conscious about that because I do feel like I'm wasting your time and I really don't want this to be like me drugging you and you're just zoned out for two hours and afterwards you're like I don't know what I what just happened I don't know what she talked about I don't know what I learned um so I'm trying you know I'm self-conscious about that but get my reps in man I'm getting this episode 12 who's triggered I I I don't that was probably not okay for me to say that um the number 12 is triggering this year so I just you know um but yeah it's like if you're happy doing what you're what you love which is what I'm doing now if you're happy doing what you're doing and you love then no

one can tell you you aren't successful so I feel very successful joyful light happy free all those things you guys are in my dream right now it's crazy all right what else did I do today um 24 hour update took a cold shower I took a cold shower before this woke up took a cold shower it's early in the morning it's fucking like 7 a.m um speaking of cold showers okay I have a thought about oh my god I don't know if I want to rant about this yet I'm gonna go back to cold showers and talk about something I want to rant about am I congested do I need to do a corona to check in I always like freak out if I have like sniffles and shit but it's not like March my paranoia in March was so insane for 24 hours back in March like it was probably like April

when I felt like I had some like scratchiness in my throat on the hour I was sipping so I was sipping hot or warm water all day long and then I was gargling apple cider vinegar like every 30 minutes I was so paranoid but we're past those times now if I sniffle I'm just like allergies I guess I don't know I don't have allergies it's probably from oh I just blame the fucking smoke outside but we're blessed here down in San how are your lungs doing down in San Diego we're pretty much we're hazy we're not we're not smoked out but like it's I think it's having in effect a little bit, but, um, anyways, okay, so, oh, yeah, I want to, like, get out, get a couple things out of the way, my 24-hour update, uh, my outfit of the day, uh, tie-dye, tie-dye hoodie, I keep

saying hoodie, and it's not, it's a crew neck, it's a tie-dye crew neck, wearing that, no pants, typical, um, oh, oh, yeah, like, my perfume, I feel like I, okay, so, you know, how I said episode 12, who's catching feelings, we're dating at this point, um, I think I should tell you guys my perfume, it's, like, I don't know, you know what I smell like, or some shit, I don't know, would that be fun? I'm really, I'm wearing one of my, like, least favorite perfumes, but it, well, I'm chewing ice, sorry, it smells okay, it's, like, I feel like this is my work perfume, when I used to work go to the office when I was like corporate and when I had like normal jobs this would be my I literally picked this perfume up because I'm like this is sophisticated like

this smells like I'm not trying too hard or like I'm not trying to attract anyone here in the office it's just like nice it's the I think I have to google it Olympia perfume I think it's called Olympia I think I got it from my sister from like college or some shit Olympia we used to live together Olympia perfume yeah let me look it up it's called Paco Rabanne Paco Paco Rabanne Paco Rabanne Olympia so yeah that's my perfume and where my tie-dye crew neck um tie-dye crew neck perfume no pants I'm wearing like I don't well I'm wearing these like I don't have pants on but I'm wearing what are they called I'm wearing underwear I don't need to talk about this I just I'm trying to like give you guys the visuals I'm sitting in

my kitchen studio here I've got my coffee I'm setting the vibes I'm trying to give you guys like I can't wait I can't this is the thing I can't wait for the YouTube version of this podcast next month because uh by the way if you want to get a little head start and see what I look like shit and like get a vibe of me in the quarantine this year when I did YouTube videos go ahead and subscribe on my YouTube channel uh just search my name Jacqueline Monroe and it'll show up but that's when I was like trying to do the influencer thing but I was trying to keep it real but I felt like I was on this I was I was playing this tug of war with myself like I felt like I don't I don't want to do that like fakey shit but I also want to like I don't know so yeah you can go and go to

my YouTube channel but I can't wait for that because then you guys would know exactly what I'm talking about because you can see me. And if you saw me right now, so that's the outfit and everything. Fuck, what was I going to say? Oh, yesterday I was like going around my apartment looking for shit to fill in my background because I'm like, how could I make this cute and decorate it like me? And then I got so annoyed because I put a bunch of clutter on my shelf behind me and I'm like, this looks dumb. So I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm excited. I'm going to really turn this little box I'm in here in my kitchen into this like I just want to you know what I might do you know what I really I this would be extreme but I think it'd be really cool

and kind of modern I feel like Kanye would do some shit like this I want to get and I saw online I was looking at soundproof shit and I want to get those like soundproofing spongy things and I want to get like white ones that go all over my walls and ceiling like completely cover this entire room with that so it would look really cool be like it would look like um because let's be honest this audio this fucking call center microphone sucks if you're in your car right now and you're just hearing like constantly it's because I didn't take this I'm not overdoing or overthinking this setup right now I'm just trying to do my podcast every single day because I'm a daily podcaster and I'm going hard in the paint um but anyways I thought like that would really improve the sound

probably. Anyways, I thought it looked cool to have. Oh my gosh. I'm going to totally do that. It's going to look really like futuristic, futuristic, futuristic, futuristic. I can't talk. Yeah. Because like I said, on another podcast, all these podcasters have their studio looks like they're a little kid again and those are all their toys and it's their bedroom. You know what I mean and it's fun it's fun you gotta you get some personality uh you get like flavors of their personality by how they by how they decorate but I'm kind of thinking like I need to come on here in I don't know what my outfit's gonna be or my like thing I think I'm gonna show up in my bathrobe every day with like a baseball hat on I think that's my thing I think I was okay

literally I thought Jacqueline you're gonna have your white terrycloth bathrobe you know just chilling in your apartment and then you're gonna have like a New York you're gonna have like a Yankees hat on or like a Nike hat or some shit um ponytail and then you're gonna have your headset over it because you know what the reason I thought of that is because number one I don't want to get glam for every fucking podcast I do this every day I don't want to come on to YouTube uh video every day to do the podcast and look like a guru like a beauty guru and be glam I don't want to have to like do that kind of effort so I thought okay you know it's really hot when you go to the gym when you go to the gym and there's I personally do this because I think it's hot so I I get my

I set up my my head like this but when I see guys with a hat on and then like the the big ass headphones when they're lifting they're just like it's it's so hot I'm not I don't know there's something about it so that's why that's what I was thinking I was like Jacqueline if you do um if you wear a baseball hat with your little call center headset over it it's gonna look hot and then I won't have to like put on a bunch of I won't have to like do my hair and like you know what I mean it's not because I'm lazy it's just me realizing that my time is my biggest asset and I'm I'm just looking at time like I got a job I got this podcast I get too excited the problem is with, with the podcast right now is I get too excited to record. It's like all I can do to

have a normal morning routine, routine shower and like get all set up and go over my notes of everything I want to talk about. I just want to sit down and record every morning. Literally fucking feels like Christmas. I'm like little, I'm like a little kid going out into the living room and then to the kitchen. I'm like looking for my presents. I'm just looking at my call center headset. Like I cannot wait to do this again. That's why you guys are in my dream. it's a whole thing but anyway so my um the reason I was talking about all that shit is because of my studio setup and my background I think it'd be cool to have a bunch of soundproof like white soundproof and make it look really like I'm in a spaceship or something

um okay I was gonna rant about the cold shower thing I need some water how are you guys doing this is gonna be a good episode I'm gonna go into my dms I got okay I'm starting to notice there's a flood of DMs I'm getting from girls now and I'm so excited to see that so I'm going to read DMs I'm going to talk about some DMs I've been getting um and open some ones I haven't open open some I haven't open but anyways let's get through this I got a lot of notes today um let's see what else I did this morning I rolled out of bed early uh like I get up at six and then, you know, I'm sick of, like, I feel self-conscious talking about stocks, but, like, anyways, I was on Robinhood looking at my stockies, getting some, I was, you know,

got an exciting week ahead, hopefully, anyways, I, I'm sick and tired, and the reason I'm self-conscious about talking about the stock market and stuff is, like, I'm sick and tired of feeling like nobody gets it or like I could rant about this I've said this a lot on other podcasts like the things that people say oh they never taught us that in school like they never teach us this in school and those are the things I seek out to figure out in my life like the stock market real estate all that kind of stuff I try to like learn about it because I've identified that like I could rant I could rant so basically stop saying you don't understand it I don't know who my audience is right now I bet there's people that are fully like they're invested they're they

get it they're not in the dark but I'm assuming like okay I'm talking to like high schoolers like figure it out there's enough information all over the internet there's books you can read I've been in a book right now um figure it out figure it out okay um fuck what was I gonna say but yeah I rolled out of bed this morning and checking my Robin Hood stockies and um it's a good day wait I was gonna say something about my rant about the stock market I don't know I feel self-conscious talking about it I feel like my brother's gonna judge me if he listens I always feel like he's gonna judge me My brother though keeps me in check he keeps me in check he keeps me

Really honest and authentic with myself because he calls me out on bullshit. So he would probably think i'm saying this because talking about the stock market because it's like if He might think it's like oh humble brag or like subtle flex, but it's not I'm, just trying to tell you guys if I could leave you with anything go seek out think go seek out acquire knowledge educate yourself on shit they don't that everyone says they don't teach you in high school anyways and rant but that's the thing man I've identified that if you're not the it's the way to get ahead in this

fucking country is stocks and real estate end of story if you're not an entrepreneur if you're not in the stock market if you're not and you know if you don't have like your hands in those pots it's gonna be hard for like you to get ahead and to really like be financially free stocks and real estate I mean just saying figure it out do if you if you're not into real estate you don't want to like go on that down that road start investing learn about it anyways oh yeah I was gonna rant about cold showers influencers look okay this is my rant today my influencer rant who's sick of me talking about influencers um okay can we just take a cold shower and tell people we like taking cold showers without giving them all of the health benefits and giving them

all this extra information about taking a cold shower and this goes for everything it's gotten to the point now where I'm like I didn't need to know that can I just enjoy my cold shower and be like wow I feel great and then move on with my day but I'm sitting there going oh my god all my um, the norepinephrine and my, um, fight or flight cells are firing and, um, my body is waking up and I need to stay in here for exactly five minutes and 32 seconds because someone said it's the most health benefits. Like this is where I'm at with stuff. Like it's good. Okay. Maybe I'm just maxed out and I, and I've heard it all and seen it all. We've, we've been there. We've talked about this before on old episodes, but I kind of hate that I'm hyper aware of little

details and things because I'm in my head about stuff that's like dude brush your teeth wake up drink water brush your teeth take a cold shower move on with your day but now it's like I know all this stuff and I'm like I don't know it's it's information overload it's like just fucking like let people find out for themselves how great they feel after a cold shower you know what I mean you don't have to like sit there and go through every fucking detail of all the health benefits and how it's going to change their life I don't know people take their shit so seriously influencers do and the reason I say this is because I'm the type of person where if I hear something or see something I can't unsee it I can't unsee something I learn it's like it's really hard for me to go

like I don't know it just sticks with me and this is why this is why this is what I don't understand about like typical influencer people out there that really take their shit seriously and I mean obviously they have a career around it they're selling people stuff that's how they make their living they have to feed their families I support it whatever like do what you got to do but I don't know man I'm like okay 2020 enough people have mocked influencers you know what I mean like enough people like they've poked fun at how they talk and shit and shit and like I don't know like if I was an influencer and I saw someone because it would keep me in check I'd be like oh fuck I don't want to come across like hi guys so when you take a cold shower this

is going to happen to your body and you're going to need to do this for five minutes and 32 seconds and like I would personally feel like I don't know I would be like I don't want to I couldn't unsee that if someone mocked me I'd be like oh I don't want to be like that I don't want to talk like that I don't know that's why I couldn't take it seriously like whenever I found myself going down that influencer rabbit hole I felt like such a fucking phony I'm so judgmental I'm such a biatch but like I said like if your career depends on you plugging stuff and telling people to swipe up and you work with brands all the time I feel like there's it's hard like how else are you going to share it with people like you have to kind of do it there's like a way to do it

there's a script all right and that's why I said this is like going back to like a really early episode shit I'm in deep 12 episodes episode 12 uh I said that it's like it's kind of easy because there's a script like it's been done so many times that if you want to be an influencer now if you want to do it, like there's enough material out there for you to kind of emulate and copy and be like the whole, Hey guys, I'm obsessed. This is the best formula. This is going to change your life. Like there's so many like adjectives out there. I mean, influencers love their adjectives, but there's, it's, it's so like, there's a script. So that's what I'm saying. It's like kind of easy now. It's pretty easy. And, uh, I think it's harder to be like, I don't know,

doing a beat a rock to the beat of my drum set like doing it your own fucking way that was a little wayne song she will a rock to the beat of my drum set i love little wayne why is this getting serious right now dude the older i get the older i get the more i realize like i don't i catch myself when i start getting deep or start like trying to solve the world's issues i'm like i just like wipe my hands i'm like dude i just stay out of it you're not going to solve the world problems with you. Like you can, you're not going to solve anything. Same shit, different year. There's always something you could sit and rant about, but you're not going to solve the world issues. Okay. Just throw out your opinion for fun. Get it out of, get it off your chest

because this is now talk therapy for me every day. I'm doubling down, man. I have therapy and I have my podcast. And you know what? I got to be nice right now. Cause I was just bitching about influencers and stuff again when will I stop she cannot be stopped I've been feeling really like really grateful lately and just so I think it's because I'm coming into my own with this I really feel like I'm doing the right thing this is the path of least resistance for Jacqueline she's found her passion she's like fucking in it she's in it and she's feeling so good about it but I just I've been feeling really grateful for like and so much gratitude for grateful gratitude same same thing uh just straight up like for all the people that like paved the path before me

all the podcasters out there that paved the way like I'm so grateful for them because they really made me go oh yeah oh oh yeah that's that's what I should do and like this would be this is like for me, I guess. I don't know. Did that make sense? I'm just feeling grateful for them because without them, first of all, they helped my mental health so much. I, I can't even tell you, like, I remember I was really depressed in college. I don't want to talk about my depression, but I had some depressed depression at the end of my senior year in college. And I would take a lot of walks around stadium way in Pullman, Washington. If you know, like if you're Washington State University stadium way like goes around the entire town small little college town

but I remember I would take walks and I would listen to my favorite podcasters and it was just so comforting and I think about the times where I was like low and how much I loved or like how much I look forward to people in my ear all the time and just they made me feel okay and so not to be deep again but like that's kind of what I want to do here and I and I want to prove I think my goal with this I know podcast is sexy right now I know it's real sexy but like I kind of feel like like I've said the talk therapy thing like talking out your shit as a form of like first of all getting to know yourself and really getting clarity on exactly what you

stand for and think because you're talking it out um i want to make podcasts so sexy you know how people okay let me make a draw a little analogy here so this is how my brain thinks of this you know when you go on youtube i'm talking to the females oh i don't want to say females that's not a good way to call women or good word to call women guys do not call women females I don't know why I just said that I need to drink more coffee I just glitched that was a malfunction uh I'm talking to the women out there listening the girls hey girls thank you for lighting up my dms lately because I swear I'm like I've never gotten this many dms from girls before I'm so excited I feel like I need more of you so keep dming me keep talking to me on instagram like

fuck okay but okay when I go onto YouTube and I'm on the beauty I'm in the beauty beauty guru universe I just it's like such a vibe I just feel some type of way it's so like shiny and cute they all have their their makeup collections and their little studios are so cute and and like that is how I want podcasting to be like the vibe of having your little podcast microphone you can get a call center call center headset like Jacqueline I'm a trendsetter you can do this $20 on Amazon $30 um you know I want it to be this whole little like this new thing where people are just fully them fucking selves everyone you know you sit down in your little studio and you've got your setup or whatever and it's like this whole universe

It's like, yeah, podcasting is already there. I don't know. I just want to inspire people to do it for themselves as like a therapeutic, like a therapy, because it's working for me. And I don't know. I don't know. I feel like this is honestly, people might think like this is delusional. So I'm trying to, we love the word normalize. In 2020, we love the word normalize. So I want to normalize being a solo podcaster and make this like the way forward. Because look, we've all been, I think the internet has identified people's mental health is fucked across the board. Social media is fucking us up.

So I always talk about, I'm sick of going in circles about problems all the time. So I'm saying, what's the solution? and i think the way forward is talk therapy whether that's with yourself or a friend on a podcast you and your friend could do it or your roommate or whatever this is what we need because we have a first of all i've identified in past episodes we have a communication issue in this country we have a mental health crisis depression so bad it's so bad especially this year um and i and i'm raising my hand like yeah that happened to me i'm sick of talking about depression here's a solution. I'm getting on a podcast every day and I'm working it out. Okay. And, uh, because

here's the thing. I think I wrote this on a little note yet. I haven't really referred to my notes today, but, um, I don't think it's good to know something as truth and live a life out of alignment with that. Does that make sense? Like I know it's truth that, how do I explain this? talking and communicating and getting your thoughts like speaking shit into existence it's the whole like everyone loves to talk about manifesting or whatever but like my creative outlet is speaking shit out into existence and so I don't think it's good to know that as truth as like this is the most healthy way to work on your mental health and not do it and like sit on my apartment do just like stay quiet and not talk it out so like

I wouldn't be living in alignment with what I know is truth and so that's what I'm doing I'm practicing what I'm preaching practicing what I believe because I want to live a life I really feel like I want to be I do feel like this is the most most authentic I've ever been in my life because I'm sure I'm so honest I'm so free about it and uh it's like so it feels so good to just get everything off my chest every day so yeah I want to start a little movement I want to start a social justice movement I don't even think that's what it's called but I do think that moving forward let's have a little like let's let's make the podcast world sexy let's make like having a microphone on your head every day talking to yourself sexy I don't know I'm just a

big I'm just like big talker but you know what it's not for everyone it's not because I think it's it's I I do have to have some I need to like keep it real because like I think it takes a certain type of person to just share everything online and get it out there I'm just trying to say it's freeing as fuck like I'm I'm trying to be the proof all the people ahead of me to pave the way all the podcasters everyone that talks about you know being vulnerable and sharing your truths and telling your life telling your life story how freeing that is and how light you feel afterwards I'm trying to do that as like hey if I can do it you can do it because I was in my head for so long keeping shit to myself trying to keep up a certain image like I've got all my shit

together and I cracked I fucking cracked 2020 cracked me I'm drinking water I need some water and it was good it was good I got in a little dark hole because dude you're listening right now I'm doing this podcast and I'm the best version of myself because of it so yeah uh don't live a life if you know something is truth live a life according to that don't live out of alignment with what you believe is true because you'll feel like for me I know this is my truth. This is the best thing I can contribute to society right now as a podcaster. And so I'm living, I'm living up to, I'm practicing what I'm preaching. I'm living up to it. Um, shout out, shout out to all the people doing it before me because you guys, you know, I'm just joining the

club. Like I said, let's normalize this shit. Let's make this like being a, just being delusional by yourself talking to yourself let's make that normal that's healthy because we all live in our head we all have mental health issues so talking it out is like the best therapy I'm looking at my note here how are you guys doing I have some lighter topics I want to talk about um oh I wrote a Gandhi quote oh shit I already talked about that um the Gandhi quote let me pull it up here This kind of has to do with what I was talking about. Okay. Your beliefs become your thoughts.

Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny. Gandhi. That is so fucking powerful. like what you believe becomes what you think those thoughts become what you say which is

what I'm doing here so I'm hoping my my words become my actions like I said practicing what I'm preaching the action that I'm doing finally taking action I've had information overload for the last decade with social media and I'm finally going oh fuck now I gotta do something gotta put this to work so my action is I'm showing up every day on this podcast hopefully giving you some sort of comfort or entertaining you in some way because I think this is the best I can do I think this is why I'm here I think this is like what my calling is so that my actions become my habits yep episode 12 every day this is now a habit well actually isn't it 17 days in a row I don't know I'm already it was a habit on episode two let's be honest um yeah like the fact I did it two days in a row

just fucking that I'm it's a habit um your habits become your values yeah I value this I value this shit your values become your destiny there you go so anyways um let's go to the fun shit on my note I love this notebook by the way I'm not trying to product plug here or you know not sponsored I'm not trying to tell you to buy anything because I don't like I consume consumerism is annoying um you have enough of that but these moleskin moleskin like a mole like a little mole in a in a hole a mole in a hole digging a hole a little tunnel in your front yard oh it's so funny my mom gets so annoyed she has like a beautiful front lawn and there's always like a molehill uh she like I think she's trying to drown wait I think the other month like about

a month ago she had a real issue with one of them she couldn't like get rid of but okay this is fucked up but as a child I remember taking a hose to the molehills and drowning them out yeah okay I'm going to hell and I didn't like that's the thing I think it was like I don't know okay guys I think that the reason so my my childhood trauma I'm gonna get into the fun stuff don't worry but I feel like I grew up with a lot of animals like I wasn't like I don't like live on a farm we always lived next to dairy farms like they were always milking cows and there was yeah just like a lot of cows we didn't personally have that I didn't grow up on a farm like that the type of farm I grew up on was like okay we have golden retrievers we have cats

and we have like 12 bunny rabbits because they we couldn't they were just active and we couldn't stop them and we had chicken we always had a chicken coop 12 chickens all the time um we had usually like one or two horses or like a pony and then a fuck ton of sheep I think at one at one point we had nine sheep oh and then like a couple goats oh wait I had a pygmy goat that got hit by a semi truck so if you want to know about my trauma I feel this where I was going with it I have seen so many animals die in my life I'm like that that's my trauma like that's part of my childhood trauma I mean my goat my goat Maria she's born on Cinco Cinco de Mayo she was kind of like a dog like she would run around and like act like a dog and so like okay

you know Bella, Bella Hadid? It warms my heart. Okay. Yeah. Bella Hadid. I'm like, why can't I think of her name on, um, the, the model? She's gorgeous. Uh, on Instagram, I follow her, uh, her stuff and she's always with her little pygmy goats. I think they're like Bam Bam and like Punky and Bam Bam, like the cutest little names, but it always reminds me of my little goat Maria. Anyways, Maria one night was crossing the road and I was about to turn into my house house probably coming home from basketball practice or something in high school and there is a semi or like a farm truck in front of us that stopped and we're like oh what the fuck and then next thing I know Maria is dead in front of that truck she wasn't like it wasn't like a lot

of guts happening it was just like her mouth was bloody and then her eyes were glazed over because she was you know dead anyways that's dark and then so I saw that like I was crying you know of course crying. I'm just telling you guys some childhood stuff right now. I'm really trying to get you guys to, or like, I'm trying to, I don't know, give you some interesting shit because we're dating at this point and I'm telling you my life story. Anyways, so instant depression, crying, sobbing, and the farmer got out and like dragged it, took her ankles, like set her in her lawn. And then I remember my brother had all this GI Joe night vision shit, like goggles and stuff. And he, I remember him going out there and like looking at her with her, with his night vision

goggles. But see, I think I was, I was pretty strong at that point because I have seen, like I said, so many animals die. I remember my birthday, my horse, she was so old. I think she was 30 what was my sister's horse I think she's an Arabian what was her name I don't know Courtney no not Courtney I don't know anyways on so I was at Six Flags on my birthday I think it's part of like a youth group summer thing because my birthday's in July and I remember my fucking horse got put down on my birthday and then one of my neighbors was like why did your horse get shot the other day and I'm like wait I thought they just injected her and like that's how she got put down but apparently I don't want to expose a family member but I think one of my family

members just took care of it with a shotgun like that's that's okay that's kind of how they do it out there that's how they do it out there sometimes they just shoot the animal so childhood trauma a lot of dead animals there was even two times now I'm telling this dead animal story a little too long but there is a time when my favorite pet of all time duke my little norwegian forest hunter maine coon looking cat like a giant garfield cat um since we live next to a dairy farm there's a lot of farm cats everywhere but we were convinced he was dead one time because there was an orange cat flattened on the road that was so common like you would see dead cats on the road all the time because the big trucks would go by in the middle of the night and they

across the road anyways we were convinced he was dead and that was the most traumatizing i don't know it was like three days because we couldn't find him but i remember the time we found him he was under my bed he was under my fucking bed taking a nap and i thought he was dead dead on the road smashed and anyways i remember my grasshopper died one time i caught a grasshopper who's liking these stories i don't know i'm just reminiscing i'm having fun i'm leaning back and people watching i just had my neighbor man bun he's out there he's out there doing his workout with his couple he trains every morning i'm just leaning back having fun i'm reminiscing i love to reminisce i did one time i had a grasshopper i caught brought it to school

to like do a little show and tell and like it stayed in the classroom and then it was suffering so bad because it was in this little pickle jar and then instead of letting the grasshopper free and like letting him go out into the field my dad convinced me that he was suffering too much so we smashed him like he won't make it in the wild we have to kill him like is it like that's dark this is like so bad but I mean I get it like he wasn't he wasn't breathing and like anyways I killed 13 uh tetris fish overnight one time on accident because the water wasn't ready in my fish tank two of them lived and the rest I got 15 uh Tetris is that what they're called Tetris I don't fucking know those little blue ones anyways I've seen a lot

of dead animals in my life I've experienced a lot of death a lot of pet die a lot of pets die um so I don't know it's sad it's really sad back to my fun part of the episode let's let's look at my DMs I haven't looked at Instagram yet today it's early I'm just trying to stay off of it but I did notice in my oh shit we got some DMs okay shout out to I'm not gonna say your name but I posted a picture of Hailey Bieber she had a little short haircut and I was like oh I now I want to do this all of a sudden like do a little short blonde bob anyways I got this sweet message from a girl that used to go to my catholic school I think yeah that's what it wasn't high school yeah anyways but she was like

telling me that oh this fits your vibe like I don't get messages from girls all the time I usually because it's I don't know I just don't um like there's I have like a handful of girls that always talk to me on Instagram and there's like every now and then I'll get other ones but anyway she was just so nice and she's like I it's weird to say this because I've never really gotten messages like this but she's like I remember when you were we all went to that school together and I remember that you were there I always felt like you were such a light and that you were destined for greatness so to see you do your podcast is such a cool step and I'm totally rooting for you. That makes me feel like I literally started, I gasped out loud and

I almost, I like, I kind of started crying and I'm like, I don't know how to feel. I sent her a picture of my eyeball and drew some teardrops. It was like the sweetest message. And then she said she listens to me in her car. That's cool. That's really cool. See, one person says that and I'm just fucking feeling myself I just I I do that myself like I'm the type of person um who I don't care if you're famous or just not it doesn't matter how like I will go and I'll slide into your dms and thank you for helping me get me through like get I I can't tell you how many people I've like complimented in the DMs because I can't help myself there's such like that's what I love about social media is like you can really talk to your heroes out there and the people that

inspire you you can really yeah so it's cool and I've successfully gotten the attention of certain people that I'm like what the fuck they're still responding bitch you got 10 million followers and your anyways I pinch myself sometimes because I feel like I'm nobody but you know what being nobody keeps you authentic it really does because I'm not I'm not playing the game I'm not chasing the numbers this isn't about that I'm being authentic because I literally like I said at the other at the beginning of this podcast which I feel like this one sucks a little bit but whatever I said that I'm every morning feels like Christmas I'm just so happy to do this I feel so light and joyful every morning I podcast and yeah but like I don't know I I malfunctioning

uh I feel like yeah but when you're being a nobody keeps you authentic if it's not about like I'm not playing the game of climbing up the social ladder and being like I'm not watching the numbers. This is my therapy. This is my fucking hobby. I'm a fucking podcaster twirling my pen right now. Like I'm back in school. I always felt so cool when I could twirl my pen on my fingers. I felt like such a bad bitch. I'm like, Hey, I'm good with my hands. Look at this shit. Um, I'm like, you know, and you see like a drummer twirling the drum stick anyways, let's go back to my dms um unopened double tap like see that's the perfect ending to a conversation if you don't want to say anything back just like that like the message I always well I'll send

an emoji at least I've kind of that's a personal policy um can't wait send anyways i don't know is this fun to like go onto my instagram and like you guys are in it with me right now oh shit i got a lot of dms i got work to do today fuck um no i do love my job i think it's been really good for me i do feel like it's like oh 24 hour update i went hard in the paint with my, um, other job yesterday. So I didn't hit the gym. I was just doing my job until late at night. Um, took a little rest. Oh no, I worked out yesterday morning. That's right. I did my workout in the morning. So last night I didn't, um, do anything. This is getting, the podcast is flattening out. It's getting slow. I pretty much covered all the notes here in my Moleskine notebook.

oh yeah i wrote shout out dms which i'm doing now um life equals game level up okay i was gonna talk about kevin hart saying that but like straight up that's how it is straight up like the game of life when you think of that game you used to play as a kid i don't know do people still play it like that's actually how life is it literally is like spin the little wheel thing move forward two spaces you know pick a card it's like insane when I look back I remember I was really money motivated as a kid like I don't know how to explain it I recognize that money literally like it does make the world go around it gives you freedom and opportunities if you have a lot of it and and I grew up in a my family was like

we weren't balling out but I wouldn't I mean I had a I would say like a pretty upper middle class childhood but like I recognize there's the tension people have with money like I just looked so anyways I'm talking about this because when the game of life um when we play that as a family like I always pulled the the career I always wanted was like the career card was dude there's like six cops outside in a row going down the hill oh episode 12 um that's weird they're probably just going on the i don't know morning coffee run or something but i always pulled the most the highest paying career jobs on those game of life cards but looking back i remember it was like oh fuck if I got the entertainer card I was like oh I'm not that excited but now I'm like dude

Jacqueline that's you that's your calling I gotta speak it into existence I gotta identify as a podcaster and as an entertainer I don't know how else to say it guys I don't know how else to say it I gotta start believing in myself my self-esteem has been shot I was in a very um I'm coming out of still but I got my little soul stripped a little bit when I first moved to San Diego for a while and I I really want to I think I want to do a podcast on that but I'm a little bit like I don't know I don't I don't want to talk about the past and talk about like but I think it's important to like acknowledge that um the like I'm I'm building my self-esteem back up in my self-worth and I and it's it's yeah it's cool because I I don't know like

how do I say this I'm chewing my corners of my mouth because I'm like thinking um I'm gonna droplet because I'm chewing so hard yeah the self-esteem thing's weird because I don't get how people just do shit like how do people come on a podcast or decide they're gonna be an entertainer and just like not feel like a super self-absorbed narcissist about it does that make sense like how does someone just go yeah I'm really good at entertaining people so I'm gonna do this and everyone's gonna listen to me like how does that happen that's why I've always questioned it about myself I've had this low self-esteem like I'm nobody like I'm not what the fuck you know um so I'm working on that that's part of this journey I'm on like

I'm doing the podcast every day I'm trying to figure that out about myself um it would be narcissistic as fuck okay this is how it goes this practice of podcasting would be next level narcissism if I just literally recorded it every day and didn't upload it for you guys so if I didn't if I just recorded it for myself and kept this that's called that's narcissism that's that's what I should be worried about the fact I'm uploading it is it's I need to like let it go I'm sharing it with people I'm not a narcissist get that out of my head you know what the narcissism thing is coming from is from a former like kind of what I was alluding to like relationship that stripped my soul a little bit and anyways uh I have like I've taken a lot of

mental notes of that personality type and I'm like I don't want to have anything to do with that I want to be everything the opposite of that and I just like it like I said PTSD I don't want to be like that now I have to like tell you guys I'm like can you understand that I am like mother Teresa giving my soul to you every day talking on this podcast trying to share my story in hopes that I'm comforting you right now or inspiring you right now to do your own podcast into your own little therapy session like anyways let's take let's go to my fucking voicemail now okay last night I don't know is this a long podcast I think I'm gonna wrap it up in like 15 my fucking coffee just spilled on my screen here and it got all wet

dude I'm rocking the iPhone 8 plus still the sexiest phone I've ever had works like a charm um haven't updated it because that slows it down and dude it's it's thriving in 2020 I feel like it's six years old at this point I don't even know what the new models look like I always see the camera with the three dots and I'm like dude what kind of what what the fuck why are there so many cameras on that new iPhone um oh I was gonna go to my voicemail and read the transcript dude last night I got Los Angeles California spam seven second voicemail let me see if I can play it out loud can you hear this okay so literally it's like voicemail I click it spam and then it's like transcription beta in parentheses low confidence like the voice is low not confident the one I

just played for you guys I just thought that was funny like the transcription that the voice has low confidence and it says legal proceedings underscore and then a number and it says thank you I don't understand spam from Los Angeles I don't know who's trying to hire me who's trying to like recruit me up there I don't know probably somebody hey that's the thing too I got all excited when impulse impulsive low compulsive podcast was like you know we're looking for a female host and they never did that but like this is kind of one long giant one long giant uh reel or whatever like audition tape for a potential job maybe like I don't know but I got excited I was like oh my god I would like die to be on their show and to um host with them or

something or just like guest guest host guest appear I don't know I just like that show because it's my demo like they're my people like i don't know i could be friends with them or like they talk about shit that i think is interesting so like current events pop culture whatever so and they have great guests on they had charlie rocket on the other day which was a great episode um they had takashi69 which was crazy smart kid i will say that um it's crazy as he is I was like dude I didn't think like the way he talks and thinks I was like I did not expect that but I know he's freaking controversial freaking I know he's so controversial and I don't want to talk about him anymore is Bella Hadid pregnant why is she oh okay I just I'm on

I'm on Instagram right now and she's touching her belly like her sister who's pregnant gg that's crazy she her and Zayn are expecting a baby um okay oh I know so I read my I read my um voicemail that was weird oh I was gonna talk about the simulation okay so Alex is it Honnold I was on his Instagram Alex Honnold he's the rock climber guy that had that Netflix movie that was like crazy because he's yeah Alex Honnold and I was like if we need proof that we're in a simulation look at these what are they called free climbers what the hell are they called free free soloing these climbers that go up on the on these cliffs without anything like somebody is like on their little controller keeping them on the cliff I don't

understand like that's the thing I cannot understand so that's why I'm like dude I think that's the proof we need that we're in a simulation who what I'm sorry I'm kind of burping right now. Sorry. What like brain, like what human being out there in their right mind would do that? Like, it doesn't make sense. I'm like, this is kind of like, I feel like the simulation is like someone controlling is fucking with us. Like watch, we're going to put this kid on a cliff and he's not going to fall. And it's actually like completely impossible for anyone else to do, but we're going to, it doesn't make sense. Like I'm like, how do you know who I'm talking about Alex Honnold and I'm just like, I'm, my hands are sweating right now. My feet tingle

thinking about it. I have the worst height anxiety or whatever, where I can even, I can think like I'm visualizing, I'm, I got off his Instagram cause I'm, it traumatizes me. I can't, I can't look at it. I can think about someone on a cliff and I get like my toes curl, my toes curl. I have like the bottoms of my feet tingle thinking about it I'm never that person who's like yeah I'm gonna sit on the edge of the cliff and take my picture no I don't fuck with that I don't hate I can't even watch people stand out there anyway so I'm like I wrote a note like if we need proof of being in a simulation just look at these free climbers like that's not it looks fake it's like dude that's not real um reels is

annoying Instagram is Facebook wrote a note on that yeah real reels Instagram reels is so annoying it's just like it's annoying especially because the video's like supposed to fill up the screen right but then if you're scrolling on your page it's cropped and so then you have to click it and like it's already started and it's like I don't know Instagram's turning into Facebook like you know how Facebook has it keeps updating there's new bells and whistles there's constantly like new little like components, components to the Facebook homepage or whatever. It's like Instagram starting to look like Facebook, but, um, I miss my space. I will say that, um, dude, my, my space background. So my space was a big sore spot in my family. Um, my mom,

Oh, this guy outside there, I'll say you bulls walking down the street. I love people watching I can't move this is the best house ever um it was such a sore spot you know I I was my my mom was freaked out with me putting myself online that was at the era that was like 2006 when everyone was like don't share your information to anyone online but anyways I had a I had a myspace account in middle school I think it was seventh grade and I had it for like three months like I was hiding it for my mom and she found out and I got grounded for a month they took she she called me she's like Jacqueline when I get home I want your I want your laptop on I want your laptop on the counter you're grounded and she hauled her ass home from

she was at my friend's house or my friend's mom's house I don't know they were probably hanging out or something and she found out there and then she I swear to god she told me she was going like 90 driving home because she was so upset and so yeah I got grounded from having a MySpace I know I was gonna say this dude my MySpace background okay friends from my middle school years if you remember this I was obsessed with my MySpace and I had I coded spinner wheels so I you know how you had to code to like make your background and everything I coded spinner wheels as my background it was like a grid of spinner wheels and then my fucking song was little mama lip gloss my lip gloss is cool my lip gloss be popping all the boys at school like

hanging by my locker like that was my fucking aesthetic on my myspace and so yeah I miss myspace I feel like I wish there was more customization with Instagram and stuff like I don't know it'd be fun it'd be fun to have like a I don't know um rock climbing I already talked about that voicemail talk about that oh teacher tiktok I love teacher tiktok right now it's where like the teacher will post themselves teaching the class on their zoom whatever thing they'll be like in their actual classroom on zoom it's so cute I'm like I didn't and a lot of these teachers they're mostly women I think all of them that I've seen are women but they're all like around my age and I'm like oh my gosh this would be so much fucking fun part of me thinks I should

have been a teacher like to little kids they're it's just so cute um and how theatrical they are and how it's weird when you're an adult and you watch a teacher teach a class and you haven't seen that since you were literally in kindergarten and now you're like oh it was like that like that's how they talk to us I don't know see I'm on teacher TikTok I'm on coffee TikTok what other TikToks am I on I don't know I'm like not really on it that much um I've been better I'd say lately at being on my it's hard because my job requires me to be on Instagram Instagram but like I I'm staying on task like I just don't go I don't go on I usually check TikTok once a day now like once a day I'll just be on it for like 15 minutes I don't know it's kind of like all the

same shit um what else was I going to talk about oh I was looking at JMS merch and stuff online I was on Amazon no bullshit I typed in JMS let me do it right now and the first thing to pop up wait JMS sign I typed in because I was thinking like Jacqueline Monroe show I need some sort of thing with those initials or something for my YouTube background anyways I typed JMS into Amazon and a coffee it was JMS coffee came up I thought that was funny I was like JMS coffee that makes sense I don't know I was like what can my background be do I need a sign that's like the Jacqueline Monroe show, I've been looking at people, I've been kind of, because I watch a lot of podcasters on YouTube, I'm kind of taking notes on their background, but I want to be different, so that's

why I think I'm going to do the soundproof, just exposed all over my walls, make it, like, really, really cool and futuristic, and I don't know, I was thinking about getting a P.O. box, too, doing, like, unboxings of shit you guys send me, I want presents man I've been fucking going through it do you guys want to send me shit should I make a p.o box drown me in love letters please drown me in love letters I need it give me those love letters in the physical form stop dming me I need them in on paper I need to see your handwriting I need to see your handwriting handwriting dude here comes those cop cards again it's like a string of them what's happening this is really fitting for episode 12

they're they went down the road like six in a row and now they're coming back up the road okay back to my and then I'm gonna wrap this up it's Tuesday we don't need a long podcast today um oh I was gonna talk about my judge of character what disappointed with myself for trusting someone oh that's kind of not the topic I want to talk about right now um yeah I think okay I'd like to consider I don't know I'm going to talk about judge of character right now but I feel like I have a good judge of character with people like that gut feeling and what sucks I think when you I don't know when you have to cut things off with someone or a friend or whatever like it's not so much what they did that made you end that

relationship it's and I think this is because it's like I have like a chronic um self-criticism or whatever but I get mad at myself for trusting them you know what I mean and like like I'm disappointed for trusting someone I thought I that I thought was a good person and then when you end that relationship you're like mad at them because of like what they were doing and why you know what I mean and then you're like but it's like I'm more mad at myself for not having that good judge of character right off the bat but literally like if I think about it when I go back to a certain situation I was in I remember like red flags went up so early on and I ignored them and I'm like oh shouldn't have done that but you know you live

and learn don't be so I think I'm so proud of myself as like you know as a woman as a you know woman growing up and coming into her own I really am proud of myself now that I've finally figured out that doing the whole like meek like small girly shit for a man is over like I'm so proud of myself for going like that is not a life you want to live trying to appeal to a man and trying to like fit into like a small box that's not really outspoken and doesn't really have a backbone like because I I think what happens is like I'm a feminine one like I'm very feminine and girly and everything and when I over play that side of myself or over I can overdo it I can like go to the extremes with it where I'm like just literally living a life that's like constantly doing upkeep

and making myself really pretty every day and like I haven't worn makeup in like two months I look I look like I mean the thing is I can pull my shit together and I can look nice and I can do my makeup but it got to the point with a certain situation where I was like my lifestyle is being this girly feminine princess and I'm not it's for someone I'm doing it for myself because I feel great and like seriously I I get that like as a girl like as a I get like all that self-improvement shit where you're like doing all the upkeep all the time and your nails your hair your tan like prettiness all that all the time it's for yourself at the end of the day but I think I got down a like a rabbit hole of like trying to keep up my shit for someone else and

it wasn't like I got exhausted and I was just like dude I'm more I'm more than just I'm more than just my fucking out outward appearance bitch I'm not a pretty girl online anymore I do not identify as a hot girl online I don't there's enough of those girls out there so please just don't see me that way anymore like see me that way yeah whatever I need to like just shut the fuck up about that but I want to be I want my sexy voice to be my I want that to be me I want you guys to know me for this shit, and, like, like me for this, take me seriously, but I'm not dumb, like, I'm, like, sex sells, man, I, I get it, I love that, I love playing into it, like, I like my femininity, I like it all, but a piece of me is just, like, there's

another fucking cop car, what is going on, um, a piece of me is just, like, it's not the priority like it's not I need to be me first be authentic speak my mind be bold all that shit first and I can do all the girly stuff on the side but it's not like my personality trait my My personality trait isn't that I'm hot and that I'm, like, this sexy girl and that I'm tan and pretty and shit. Like, that's not my, that's not my personality trait. And I think, you know, just trying to give you guys some free adult advice out there. Like, don't make your personality trait your, like, that you're hot and sexy and fit. like that's all you your life revolves around is like maintenance you're good at

you're good at maintenance that's what that tells me you're good at like you're self-disciplined you know what I mean like you're so good at that that's talent that's a good skill to have but like can you just like do that shit way on the side and like what else is there and that's why I struggle with relationships because I'm like like certain like ones I've been in sort of recently but like there's just more to life than working and working out you know and looking hot I don't know does that make sense my personality trait is fucking me bitch personality like what is my personality who okay that's what I was gonna ask you guys not like I need feedback but I kind of wonder like who I remind you of kind of or like I don't I I can't I feel like

it's I I have a hard time relating to people out there like I kind of want to find my tribe of like who do I who do I fit in with and I don't know who do I remind you of I don't know this podcast sort of sucking right now, I need to end it, um, it's Tuesday, Taco Tuesday, episode 12, episode 13, we're hitting the teens, we're going into our teenage years tomorrow, guys, we're going into the teens, I just like that you guys, when you DM me, that you're like, oh, I'm in the car listening, or, oh, shit, there goes my positive affirmation alarm, I think it's cool when you guys tell me, like, where you listen, or, like, I don't know, um I think I covered everything this was a long one maybe this will be like an hour 15 again

happy Tuesday um I'm gonna work on my background for you guys for my YouTube video when I start doing the visual podcast um so I'm gonna do that today get to work it's fucking so early in the day right now. I'm proud of myself. I got this done. Oh, I'm going to work out later. Do another lower body day. Of course. Do my glute workout and, um, brush my hair right now. I'm trying to just like give you guys random shit to talk about to like finish this. I'm looking around. There wasn't a lot of people watching watching today um oh shit okay this might this might drag on fuck dude okay I thought so my mom and my sister came and visited me this summer and they gave me a journal I used to write in as a little kid little kid like this leather fucking journal

I thought it was so sophisticated I and I thought it was normal to like write and have a diary and like I thought that was like it I guess it is I think a lot of people do it but my sister's like dude, I never did that, I literally, I'm on my, the reason I brought this up is because I've been writing forever, right, and so at the end of last year, I took all of the notes in my phone, everything I've ever written, ever, like, I literally just have it all on my, um, my notes in my phone, and, like, on my Google Doc here, but I put it, yeah, I put it all in a Google Doc, and it is like 200 is it 260 how many pages now dude I have written so much over time and so I thought it'd be kind of fun to like think about a good like a 265 I can't see how many pages

of writing of random shit like I could read I thought I could end this by reading a couple things it might be interesting like I I write so much like not only am I doing it now for the podcast like little random thoughts throughout the day but I don't know I just I just like talk shit out I actively want people around me to be free I've identified that the fact I've identified the fact that most people's suffering is based on worry about how other people will perceive them they are not at peace with themselves they're in the external form in seeking mindset they have not awakened to the fact that they can be fully content happy with

i don't know something deeper i wrote again and like i'm not going to solve the world problems like when I talk about deep things I'm like dude just keep it fun on the podcast have a good time you're the jolly joker you're not you can get deep because the only reason I do it is because I'm like yeah these are thoughts I have and I think it's maybe relatable or something you've also thought of but I want to be I don't want I don't want to waste your time so if I say something insightful I feel like oh I'm actually helping them right now oh man this is so long I write like fucking essays about oh I wrote when I was seven a stranger said to me don't ask yourself in quotes what do I want to be when I grow up ask yourself how do I want to live and that stuck with

me I've never had a specific career goal to achieve my focus is always quality of life when I wake up how do I live continued I prioritize people living environment daily routines sunshine leisure hobbies etc over chasing a big career what whatever makes me happy I do that my life isn't for show fuck that was kind of good but I've always gone back to that question so I think it was someone who came into my classroom when I was like in elementary school they made a great point that was stuck with me forever that was like how do you want to live like when you wake up and you do your day what is that lifestyle like what do where do you physically live what's your environment who do you talk to what are your like tasks you perform at your job like the how

not like oh I want to be a doctor I want to be a scientist I want to be a rocket ship driver I don't know I just pull those out of my ass but instead of chasing like a specific career I thought about like my lifestyle and that's a big reason I came to California because I like the lifestyle here I liked the environment and it inspired me it made me happy it um like my soul feels great here so because I'm from Washington like I said I grew up in the Pacific Northwest but um I wanted to like create this lifestyle here which is what I'm working on so I do feel like I'm that's all in alignment right now I mean my am I still record recording dude I think this is too long but you know what if you stuck around maybe you listen to this in two separate like

days I don't know I don't care it's my podcast it's gonna be as long as I want I have dry mouth I need to drink water seventh inning stretch leave a five-star review and uh did I say four did I say three did I say two did I say one no five I love you for dating I need that five-star review or it's over I don't know the only reason I say that is because like I think that's what I'm supposed to say and it's like how I as a podcaster get pushed to a prominent location so people find it I don't give a fuck as I've said before I'm not playing the game I'm not chasing the numbers I'm just having fun and that's what I was gonna say here like how do I want to live I want to wake up and do a podcast every day and I'm doing it so yeah quality of life number

one for me it's so important like you should prioritize relationships sunshine like leisure hobbies all that fun stuff and I've sucked at the relationship side of things lately and I'm like trying to work on that but it'll come I'm not that's the thing about me is I'm like okay Jacqueline I know your social life is in the fucking shitter right now Clark the shitter is full like it's in a shitter but like I I have I'm not freaked out by it I'm like it is what it is it's not forever nothing is gonna be set in stone for the rest of my life like this year everything's unfolding and changing and it's gonna improve I have like I'm I mentally know that so I'm not I don't wake up every day and go oh I don't have any like my social life sucks and like wallow in it

I'm social as fuck I talk to myself all day um whenever I get a title slapped next to my name at a job it doesn't empower me because that title has no value or importance to who I am it honestly alienates me from wait this is kind of good wait am I gonna I actually have a job so I don't want to get fired but I'm gonna read this whenever I get a title slapped next to my name at a job it doesn't empower me because that title has no value or value or importance to who I am it honestly alienates me from myself at first because all of a sudden I have to posture up and morph Jacqueline with that title obviously titles are just positions on a societal measuring stick people used to judge each other and themselves with so put me at the bottom I genuinely don't

care I said I've picked up garbage on the side of the freeway and I worked with celebrities I've been the janitor and I and the right and the right hand woman I know what it's like to be covered in actual horseshit lol uh I've given speeches to people from all over the world life is about nuance the transitions how do I live comfortably and satisfied or and and and comfortably and satisfied or endlessly disconnected from myself and striving outward for more dude this is too deep I know how to live both very well it's possible for me to be equal excited about the high life and the humble life because the two because of the two words self-perception dude this is good kind of like too deep for you guys this is this podcast isn't about that but

straight up like that's it when you have a title a job title it like I wrote here it kind of alienates you at first I remember this happened one of my first jobs like out of college it was like, oh, I'm this title. I have to live up to this. I have to morph myself. People know me because of this job. It was like, it doesn't, it's not really that deep. It doesn't really matter that much, but I don't know. I think what we've, I think what we've discovered together on this podcast is that the job title I need right now, or like the one that I think is the most fitting for me is fucking Jacqueline Monroe. Just myself. Like that's, I think that's what I've discovered um but I'll work forever like I can never imagine myself not working I need

the thing I love is like having I'm like super competitive with myself so the job I have right now is like kind of like that where I'm like okay dude how much more can you do today and that's why I didn't go to the gym last night I just like stayed the fuck up working but um I like having that like co-worker stuff and like I like having I don't know I like to like I've I've worked forever like my whole life I can't imagine not working but I think that um like being myself and doing this is important too like Jacqueline Monroe number one that's me that's my number one job title and I actually have to go to work and do a podcast for you guys every day and actually live up to that. Um, anyways, that was good. That was some good writing. I think that's probably

all I'm going to share today. I literally have like a fucking Harry Potter length novel I could read to you right now, but, um, what I'll say right in that. Yeah. I picked up garbage on the freeway. I worked with celebrities. I've been the janitor and the right hand woman. I know you have some cool life experiences that are like highs and lows on the totem pole of society like literally I've worked with number one well I don't want to say who but I've worked with top people and I've worked on the side of the road picking up garbage on the freeway like I've shoveled shit so anyways that's why I feel like I have this kind of unique not like it's unique but it's my own life story that I want to share share and I want to get out

there and I I think it gives me um character and it explains who I am and it helps me kind of work out why I am the way I keep burping damn it it's the ice I think the ice makes me burp um but when I talk it out it helps me kind of go oh like that's why you're that way or whatever um hi who's bored I'm not but yeah I wrote I like physical work I like physical labor because I grew up doing a lot of farm chores that's so true like work to me I feel like I'm really working when I'm like out and about running errands like hauling shit building stuff like I should have I should have done construction honestly because I don't know parking myself behind a computer or like doing stuff online is, I'm finally like, oh yeah, that's, it feels like

work, but, um, there's something about, there's something about like, you know, go in and I don't know, bringing shit to the post office for my job or like whatever. I don't know. Okay. I need to end this. It's a long episode. I got work to do. I think I covered all my bases. We read this, uh brand my personal writing what the hell okay wait questions I don't care that you're a richy corny little bitch oh that was like a it's not a post Malone quote or is that a 21 savage sometimes I write rap lyrics that are like they pop and so I wrote that oh I remember I wrote you don't put a saddle on a mustang

I wrote that down because of Michael Jordan and his um documentary he said that and I thought that is that is so good like you don't put a saddle on a mustang that's like me right now all right listen to this you don't tell Jacqueline to stop podcasting you do not put a saddle on a mustang you don't muzzle a podcaster when you're bored of listening to her for too long you don't do that okay so if you're bored tune out you can always click off all right you're not stuck here you can do what you you have the freedom to choose to end this right now I invite you my arms are just open I'm like you know what go for it fly little birdie flee flee the podcast she's probably going to talk about some nonsense like this oh yeah wait another Michael Jordan quote he wrote

he said literally this is okay this is why i feel like i don't know i i'm just like does anyone else fucking do this i'm literally i'm literally sitting there watching the last dance the documentary michael jordan one and i'm like writing key quotes down and notes like that's how my that's how my brain is i like constantly am like i don't know maybe it's just i have a love for like words turn me on or something like I get off on like people's fucking vocab choice he said there's no I in team but there's an I in win and I was like fuck that's a good that's a good quote there's no I in team but there's an I in win and that's so Michael Jordan that is so Michael Jordan he inspires me when I think about it I'm like dude I want to be like that when I

see people that are just such like bosses at what they do like they're there's no one like no one can touch them they're so world fucking class like there's something about those people that are it's like they have this twinkle in their eye I swear these people that I'm thinking of that are at the top they all have this little aura to them that's like out of this world I can't explain it and that inspires me, because I'm like, you know, you got one life, you know, shoot your shot with yourself, try to be the best you can possibly be, don't settle for less, bitch, I'm a daily podcaster, I'm not settling for less than that, and I even got so excited last night, literally, literally, I'm so excited last night, I'm like, should I do two today, should I do two,

I don't know who your favorite influencer is, but you're about to trade up, i don't know who your favorite influencer is but you're about to trade up i literally i wrote that i knew stop seeing literally but i wrote that i think i got excited when i was going to do my youtube channel because i'm like dude i'm about to blow your guys's brains out with my content here with my youtube channel and uh i want to be your favorite influencer but i don't want to identify as an influencer i'm a i don't know your favorite podcaster is but you're about to trade up I might make that the, um, the bio or the description today. Anyways, here's some notes on a Eckhart Tolle book I read.

I'm happy because this is like the notes I took from Eckhart Tolle. Feel free to tune out now, like I said. I know this is dragging on, but I'm going to read this and end it. Eckhart Tolle. I'm happy because I don't mind what happens. good or bad it is what it is and then he talks about the form and presence existence and being being equals the ideal half of consciousness existence oh yeah the difference between being and existing existing or being is what you want to do that's ideal like if you think of consciousness if you cut consciousness in half the ideal half is being is being and existing is the seeking external side of consciousness and that's not and most people are in that form

side of things they're out outward external shit the form where being is like how I feel right now I'm like I'm just being me and I'm just sitting here I'm not wrapped up in does the sound of my voice sound okay should I like work on my enunciation and sound a little cuter for you guys and like not sound so fucking rough that's me sitting and chilling in the form side of things and worrying about the external vibe I give off does that make any sense that made sense in my head. That made sense in my head. I'll be selling a Rosetta Stone. I'll be selling a Rosetta Stone course on my words so you guys understand me or whatever. Okay. Anyways, so that's the Eckhart Tolle book I read in the queue early in the quarantine. It's a great book. Life is about

nuance read wrote that life advice exceed expectations that bolding that that I think is the number one lesson I've learned like I think I heard I heard this from someone else probably trying to remember who but that makes so much sense to me like when you have a job when you're in a relationship when you're literally doing anything even for yourself exceed expectations do more like fuck here I am trying to get deep and solve the world problems right now but you'll feel it's it's about how you're gonna feel because if you really want to have a high self-esteem and feel like you're giving it your all in this life if you exceed people's expectations and yourself like if you exceed your own expectations and push a little harder and

go a little longer and like show up for yourself a little better every day like that's a fulfilling existence you're gonna feel you're probably gonna feel really great so I'm exceeding my own expectations I struggled in the past with being consistent like choosing something and being consistent at it hi YouTube hi how many times am I gonna start and stop you okay uh I'll get, I think this is because I've undiagnosed adult ADHD, obviously. Um, but I get excited and really enthusiastic to start something and then I'm not consistent with it. And then I don't ever complete it. And so I feel like I'm a spinning top a lot, a lot of the times where I'm not actually getting closer to my goals. I just keep bouncing around and getting sidetracked

with new projects so I'm exceeding my expectations with this podcast because well it's not like I expected to fail like I told you earlier I got a fucking I turned this into a habit episode too bitch I don't need to do 17 episodes to create a habit I need to do two like I was so proud of myself I'm like dude I just did this two days in a row I'm a daily podcaster I'm a daily podcaster and I I got a career in this shit so anyways exceed expectations go above and beyond it feels good this has to do with like if you want to feel the best you can possibly feel like don't half-ass your life like your effort you put into this life is everything like

what did i even wrote this a long ass time ago about i don't have ass anything but i feel like that's i just said that because it sounds good but wait what was i gonna say about just like send it fucking send it fucking send it one life kill it this is your monday motivation on tuesday okay how are you doing is your head in the game i'm like your fucking coach we're in the huddle we're in the huddle it's halftime those were some okay some of my favorite times in life were like at the timeouts my coach would call and how much fear I fucking had of like my basketball coach like telling me okay Jacqueline so they're gonna screen you're gonna do a screen and like come around grab the ball and do a three-pointer for this buzzer and it's like what the fuck

I did one buzzer halftime wait I hit a half court shot it bounced off the backboard so it wasn't like it wasn't that hot and that wasn't a great shot but I've had a buzzer shot in my life before probably a couple I used to play like AAU basketball like middle school I remember there was a time I'm pretty sure I had yeah I know I was playing AAU and actual basketball for my school I don't know I was a I was a little baller I was a little point guard and I honestly think if I look back if I look at videos I would fucking sucked but I felt like the shit and it was fun at the end of the day I was having fun but I remember like the pressure and the fear

I felt in the um at at these uh timeouts my coach would call it's intense if you've ever played a sport and you you know they call a timeout and it's like fourth quarter type of shit it's intense and I love that feeling like that is that's when I feel the most alive when I'm like gasping for air struggling I'm getting the ball stolen from me every fucking second and like we got to call a timeout because you know we needed to have a talk with Jacqueline okay Jacqueline needs some assistance she needs some coaching right now and the rest of the team she's like not it's it's she's she's losing the game for the team right now so we got to call a timeout, and then I get fucking yelled at. That's cool. Anyways, I faced a lot of adversity because

I wasn't selected on varsity my sophomore year. I think I did, though. Like, I think I ended up playing towards the end of the season, but all my friends that I thought sucked, not, like, sucked, but I thought I was just as good as, just as good as, just as good at, what am I saying? They all, like, made the team, and I was like, dude, what the fuck? I don't want to be a point guard on this jv shit but i got a lot more i got a lot more playing time so that was positive and then i think i um sat on the bench on some varsity games and dude the pressure of the whole fucking school watching you at a basketball game is a lot dude that's why i'm good at this i'm good under pressure i'm good i'm good under pressure i'm good at being like fucking in front of people and on

i'm literally talking to no one right now but like it's the same shit we got an audience out there. I literally thought if I say literally, literally again to now, okay. Um, me being like, oh, I want to be quirky and different on my podcast. I wanted to get a bunch of ears, like a bunch of fake, like elf ears and like Mickey ears. And I don't know, like prosthetic ears. You can literally go on Amazon. I just said it literally, you can go on Amazon and you can search if you search ears there's a lot of there's a lot you can buy but I was thinking I could put that in front of me as like a joke because that's what I feel like I don't have an audience here when I podcast but I could be it's like I'm talking in your ear you know what I mean I was

gonna do something artsy and like do a little collage of ears but that's so creepy but that's how my brain works because I have this issue with I have to be different than other people and I have to be quirky and I act I like do shit on purpose to not be like other people because I don't want to be like other people and I need to talk to my therapist about that because I think it alienates myself from people that you know I don't know I have issues all right on that note exceed expectations leave a five-star review exceed my expectations today um no pressure I mean I've never done it myself so I can't tell you to do it but if you want to take your little fingers and put them to work I know you're gonna click what do I do when I end

a podcast I'm trying to think like do I just end oh it'll probably start playing another podcast and then I like click pause so yeah instead just go to my my home my home screen thing or my fucking what's it called home page on my my hub my podcast station my podcast station go to my podcast hub station where you see all the episodes. Scroll down, click five stars, send, and I'm going to fall in love with you if you do that. So it's already happening. Episode 12. We're in a deep, committed relationship. This relationship has been built on vulnerability and trust and all the good things. And oh, and honesty. I am so honest. I've never been this honest in my life, dude. And I'm feeling so good. And I hope you guys, like, I think some of

you, when you DM me, you notice that and you're like, dude, I didn't know that about you. I didn't know that about you. I do that too. I didn't know you like that. Oh shit. I did get DMS about, I'm not going to talk about it right now, but people want to talk, wanted me to talk about going to Europe. I think, wait, I don't even think I've talked about that. I know I talked about living in London when I did my study abroad, but I don't think I never mentioned like someone DM me and he's like, can you talk about Rome? I'm a history. He's like, I like history. Wait, what did he say? Yeah. Please share pics from Rome. I'm a history major, history nerd.

Freaking awesome. You spent time in Rome. I don't remember talking about Rome, but, uh, I think in the future episodes, I'll probably mention traveling. Maybe whatever. All right, guys, have a happy Tuesday. I love you um again if you want to get a head start on my YouTube you can go check out my channel uh I'm going to start doing a video podcast next month so you can you know get your toes wet get my vibe on my old videos what the fuck um okay people watching we got a man with a binder he's got oh yeah hi oh my god cargo shorts black socks up up to his knees black so probably like new balance shoes and a binder i got man bun taking his dogs out again dude throughout this

podcast he'd done his workout gone inside now he's coming back out that's how i know i need to end it um what else we got here neighbor my neighbor that lives in my thing who's going to work with her puppy she's got a what's that called that dog called uh she's got a dog a cop has what's that dog st bernard what the fuck is it called dude and the podcast oh my god a rottweiler no it's not a rottweiler german shepherd she's got a german shepherd puppy she's getting in her car i'm just giving you guys some people watching content to end this again youtube five star review follow me on instagram uh have a great tuesday eat some fucking tacos uh call your family now i feel like i'm not finishing call your family tell them they tell them you love

them like get in contact with people you don't talk to very much it's so important guys it's so important call your family call your mom call your mom this is a train wreck um what else can I squeeze in there. I'm sweating. I need to take off the sweatshirt at this point. All right, guys. Happy Tuesday. See you tomorrow. All right. Bye.