The Jacqueline Monroe Show - 138- Can't Keep A Secret

Episode Date: January 20, 2021

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Okay, I just recorded the intro and said, hey guys, welcome back. It's episode 138. I cringed because I listened to it back. So I'm just gonna say this. It's episode 138. Welcome back to the show. welcome back to the show today we're going to talk about our spiritual journeys and how we're going to work on our mental health so for the next hour and a half please open all of your shock okay guys so I'll cut it out I don't even know what that was basically um I'm sauced I don't even know what that means I'm sauced um first of all I did that intro because I was realizing how how sometimes I come across podcasts that are so bubbly and like positive and like nice to listen

to and I feel like all I deliver is fucking bitching and like negativity and just toxicity to you guys because all I do is sit on here and complain about society complain about my problems now I do I do throw in I do throw in some good stuff you know there's always a moral to the story what's the positive lesson here I always spin it around and come out with a positive ending but I was just listening um before I started recording I was listening to a podcast and I'm like how are people like this like happy like spiritual like everything's like let's have crystals and fucking light up um what's it called sage or fucking whatever and like I don't know I just don't play in that world and I just think it's I it's wild to me like as a human being

discovering who I am I feel like I just don't fit in with that kind of crowd and I there's a ton of it in San Diego and I just I don't want to be like oh these are like weird hippie people but They kind of, like, that's, I guess they just like to nerd out about astrology, then, like, you know, crystals, spirituality, all that stuff, which is awesome. It works for them. But I just feel like I can't even get into it mentally. I just go, how are you actually that absorbed and immersed? And, like, it's, like, religious to them. So I don't know.

Am I judgmental? Am I starting this podcast off by judging other people? I actually complimented them because I think it's like a nice positive thing to listen to, but I just feel like I deliver the shit. Okay. Back when I was, what was I saying about being sauced? Did I say that already? I feel sauced right now. Listen up. I don't know what sauce means, but I am emotionally, physically, spiritually, uh, sauced, drained, whatever you want to call it. Uh, not to be negative, but doing exactly what I feel like I shouldn't do. Um, I'm going to take you through my day step-by-step. I'm going to really walk you through

it. Um, and maybe this will be entertaining for you to know what kind of highs and lows I was on, on today's roller coaster. I mean, basically let's just, I'll just say it like this. I, do I want to say this right now? Do I want to really go there and, and, and blame this fuck? You know, and I, and I've got a, I'm a professional, I got a professional position. I don't know if this is bad to say, well, this get me fired. I smoked weed last night and I haven't done that literally since I was home for Christmas. So it's been a, it's been a few weeks. So I smoked for the first time in forever and like first sleep, you know, like I usually, if I just felt like okay I just feel like smoking tonight I'm gonna you know sleep great and I did

right but I woke up and I was so effing groggy and I was like shit shit this sucks like I couldn't snap out of it no amount of caffeine no amount of like fresh air nothing snapped me out of my grogginess so this is again like I'm just being negative I'm trying to be honest with you guys like that's the best I can do uh or for my own conscience like to end an episode and be like I didn't sugarcoat anything or make my life sound cool and like happy snappy when it wasn't so I'm trying my best to be honest and raw right now um yeah nothing was doing it for me so I literally made four shots of espresso like I do every morning well this is my recent coffee recipe. It's four shots of espresso straight out of my machine. So basically the routine is wake

up, brush teeth, drink water. Okay. Do you guys really give a fuck? And then I go make my coffee and then I bring my coffee to my bedroom, make my bed. And then I sit on my couch and I read and I check my stocks and shit and then uh after like 30 minutes I'm like okay time to walk so then I go on my morning walk okay that's what I did this morning that's what I've been doing I've been doing that lately so so I'm on my walk and I'm like a zombie I'm still groggy I'm pissed off my caffeine isn't really working so I ended up coming home I was disgusting like I didn't even shower. I mean, whatever. I didn't even wash my face. It was terrible. Um, that probably, probably would have helped me feel less groggy actually. Wow. Um, anyways,

I'll just say this. I'll just say this. Do you guys ever have one of those days where you're just like, it's Tuesday, but it's actually Sunday. I'm, this is a Sunday. This is a Sunday. it's Tuesday but it's a Sunday it's Tuesday but it's a Sunday today was Tuesday and I treated it like a Sunday okay but in terms of not just like laying in my pjs because I literally walk in my pjs like my top I have my like okay whatever I like literally throw a hoodie over my pj top and then I put on yoga pants so that's not that's not technically pjs whatever I like roll out of the house I don't change my hair do anything and I go on my walk and then I came inside and I'm like I just I just want to sit on my couch and I don't want to do it I just I want to like sit

and do nothing but I have to do something because it's Tuesday it is the work week and I have work to do so I let myself work from my couch in a really cozy way all morning I grinded I actually got a lot of stuff done but I was so annoyed at myself that I that I've I had this grogginess I couldn't knock and I just was in this funk and I don't know if it's the gloominess because the rain's coming here maybe a combination of that because like I'm always like think about this for the most part I wake up I'm refreshed I'm like whoa you know I love I love life everything's good but then this is why you shouldn't kids you shouldn't smoke weed like or okay my mom's gonna this is gonna be music to her ears music to her ears mom weed makes me groggy if I don't smoke

for like a few weeks then all of a sudden I do however when I smoke regularly which I used to do uh you just like live with it you don't even notice it it just like I don't know if you adjust but i feel like i'm talking about weed on the podcast when i shouldn't be is this bad i don't care like what is i'm being honest okay so yeah i kind of i was a little bit frustrated with myself hey that's a good learning lesson a little experiment i guess um but it sucks i had to be productive today and then i was like in this funk and then um i had so this is a this is where the roller coaster took a second dip worse um I had a difficult phone call to make today um just some personal business nothing like you guys need to know or it's I guess you could put

this under the umbrella of adulting being an adult and having to take care of your shit I had a difficult phone call regarding something in my adult life so that was a bitch and I got hit with a brick that I wasn't ready to be hit with. And it's like the morning and I'm just like, great day's not even halfway over. Here's, here's another piece of, here's another shit storm coming my way. Guys, here's the thing. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Let me be all like happy, snappy, spiritual, like everybody get your crystals out right now. Let's celebrate life. I got it so good I got it so good I am so blessed these little things I mentioned are dog shit in comparison to other people's lives out there and I really I have this like immense

gratitude and love of what I've been blessed with like I'll never take what I have for granted or you know I'm making I'm making molehill I'm turning what cotton into a t-shirt no I'm fucking taking a molehill and I'm turning it into Kilimanjaro because it's entertainment I'm putting on a show hi you're the audience I'm the entertainer this is my this is my gig and no one wants to sit and listen to someone just say boring shit without any flavor. So I'm making everything I went through today sound like the most dramatic life altering experience possible. But let me tell you this. I caught myself after this, after this difficult adult phone call, I caught myself kind of spiraling in thoughts of like, I was like anxious and just

kind of like pissed off and just like fuck like oh this sucks and then I'm like then I just like caught I caught myself and I'm like I got this everything's gonna be fine everything always works out with me like anything that comes my way I've proven to myself all like year after year after year of my life with help along the way it's not like I've done everything on my own like there's obviously people that help like that's another thing I'm blessed with this is a good support system when I go through hard shit. But I just ended, I ended that little spiral with myself with, I got this, it's fine. Like, you know, whatever. So that shit storm hit, then I had a derm appointment. And then it was like, I don't know, like two. So I got back to

work. Guys, I literally, I didn't tell you this, but I just saw it again. I burped before I started recording. I usually, this is TMI. I'm just being like, again, I'm not going to shut up about how raw and like honest and open I am with you guys. Like we're, we've been dating for 10 years. You just know all about my bodily functions. Just, I want to let you know that I burped my ginger lemon water plus LaCroix beverage I burped a few times before the show to get it all out after I drink it literally saw a ghost just saw it again there's some movement in my apartment and I'm paranoid and I'm not like tonight isn't like I'm not paranoid for uh because of what you're thinking of that is not my current uh state i am a sober suzy

currently and the paranoia is just it's yeah i just saw it again there's like some sort of movement am i a psycho am i a crazy ass do you guys listen to this and go she's fucking bad shit she's fucking crazy but i can't stop listening this is actually so fucking entertaining who's this chick on instagram i just found and then all of a sudden she has a podcast link in your bio oh my god now I'm listening and I can't stop listening because it's so fucking entertaining oh my god is that what you're thinking right now I get it I've been called a psychopath many times in my life it's not new so I saw some movement after the burp and I'm just gonna stay on alert uh you know for your entertainment I'll call it out when I see it

you know maybe there's just something weird you know when you get like a film over your eyeball there's like a little film that builds up I feel like you can mistake a ghost for just seeing a blur over your pupil from that and I'm just trying to like move my eye my eyelid around to stop that okay so I woke up I woke up groggy as shit was frustrated at myself for smoking weed and having to deal with that. Went on a walk, was frustrated. It was gloomy. I wasn't waking up from the walk. Came home, parked myself on the couch, grinded, worked. I worked in silence because like noise, I was like sensitive to noise. And then had a difficult phone call, went to the dermatologist, came back home, literally skipped all meals today. Like I

didn't even eat I think I had an apple yeah I had an apple and like all together when I counted because I was I keep track of how many shots I pull on my machine my barista my Breville barista express I had eight shots of caffeine by 2 p.m. which is pretty normal for me but that's what I was working with was zero food in my body and I feel like I just crashed and took a power nap and grinded some more. And so I feel like this is when I started getting excited. Okay. Because without telling you what I did today, because I have to keep this information private until I'm ready to gush about this. Um, how will, how will I say this as a hint without making it? So it's not a bad thing.

it's a really exciting thing this is a life-changing thing I've hinted about it on my Instagram story if you follow me follow me on Instagram if you're like I want to know um but this is where things started getting exciting in the day so I had the shit storm in the morning and then I got excited because around 3 or 4 p.m um I had a life-changing encounter and I um can't wait to share it with you guys uh basically I'll just say this this is the clue so in my Monday morning meeting I set a goal with my co-workers this week that I was going to because I have like two work goals one personal goal so I have my two work goals and then when I said my personal goal I said I want to buy a couch by

Friday okay I've been looking at couches I can't pull the trigger on anything because I'm too indecisive I just need to buy one by Friday because the fucking love seat I'm currently sitting on doesn't have enough room for two people and I planning I plan on having another person on this couch by the end of 2021 Netflixing and chilling and they can't fucking fit on here with me so I need a new I need a new couch in addition this is a piece of shit I've had it long enough it's had a good life it's time to go so I set a personal goal to buy a couch by Friday this is when life hits you with surprises guys because I set that goal on Monday but instead of buying a couch by Friday I'm gonna be buying something else and you guys get to guess

what that is because I'm not gonna tell you okay and that something else is how will I describe this something else basically I had to meet the something else today I couldn't just like go to the local living spaces furniture store and buy the couch like I had to like it's a different setup so anyways that's exciting my day took a turn because of that meeting with that life-changing thing entity object um uh do I want to say creature creature critter alien furry friend furry friend furry friend furry friend furry friend I can't keep secrets so yeah I'm probably adopting a dog by Friday

fuck it I don't give a shit I'll spill the beans um I'm in a competition though with like 35 other fucking people for this animal and let me tell you I'm gonna win it and if I don't I'm gonna bear the I'm gonna be crushed so you thought today was bad Jacqueline just wait until someone out outbids you or out does you for this fucking dog because it's a competitive world out there when you're when you're trying to buy a golden retriever they literally are impossible to buy right now everyone's buying a golden retriever in California I don't know what's happening i've been literally looking for uh so i've wanted a dog it's kind of been a recent thing it's been in the back of my mind for a year but recently after being home with od the dog i was with at

my mom's house i was like i don't want i need this so i've been heavily searching for a golden retriever um for about yeah like a good month or so and can't stop thinking about it I literally dream all night long about what it's gonna do what it's gonna look like what we're gonna how we're gonna hang out together like everything so names you know everything so anywho I anywho I found it I met it I'm 99.9999% sure he's coming home with me on Friday by Friday um so stay tuned that's the exciting news I can't keep a secret I literally was like I'm gonna be funny and just make you guys guess but you probably already could now I just don't want to be too excited about like because there's a there is a minute tiny little chance it won't

work out and I look at life like if it does it's not if it doesn't work out it wasn't supposed to in the first place like don't don't like because part of buying a retriever right now is like there's a bit of a like a hustle to it where you feel like you're just like picking anyone you can fucking find because they're hard to get because it's like as soon as one's available it's like you got to jump on it so there's a bit of like a I'm just impulsively grabbing this dog you know I know there's breeders out there you know they've got like wait lists and you know people wait for like the entire pregnancy they know they're gonna get it that's not what I did so and yeah you can come at me about not rescuing not adopting an abused dog from a shelter um trust me when I say

I had all the notifications on my phone going the alerts for new dogs in my search I've for like the last month and I could have waited longer and I could have found a rescue over the next year I could have but here's what I want to tell you about my heart and soul I want what I want and I don't want what I don't know I'm kidding this sounds fucked up I so every time I was like getting I was like literally my leisure time at night was like browsing dogs on websites and looking and I never set foot in a shelter and if I did I'd probably fall in love with the first dog I saw and I would have immediately adopted it so I can't say I actually went and like held dogs and looked okay but I was on pet finder findadog.com whatever all these websites

can location search and I've been on them constantly and for whatever reason there's like this thing in my body that's like dude you don't know what else it you don't know what it's like to have a dog unless it's a golden retriever so and you like want you like deep down you love these like cool rescue dogs the cool mixed breeds like the like they're awesome like od for example is a pit lab i fell in love with them but your gut like your intuition like your soul your soul just wants a little baby golden like it wants that same experience of buddy and Charlie and champ like the dogs you grew up with it wants to be it wants to replicate that it wants to like nurture a little golden again and I guess selfishly I was like yeah that's what

I got to go with for me to feel like you know it's my first dog I've never raised one alone I've only had you know I've always had family around to help um you know it was always like a who fed the dog or who took the dog out or, you know, someone like picked up the pieces you left off or that you didn't get with the dog. And now it's all up to me, which I'm a hundred percent prepared for. I've like never wanted to do something more in my life because why is this getting like deep about my journey about buying a dog now? Like, or my fucking mindset about So everybody get your crystals out. I'm reflecting on motherhood and nurturing a baby. Let's go. So I'm ready. I'm ready to take on the responsibility to train this dog, to love this dog, to like have a life with this dog and like take it out and go places with it and go to the beach and like go on trails and go and just like have fun with it. go to the park meet other people with dogs like I'm so ready for this and I can't think of a better

time to do it because of my living situation like this dog will have like 24-7 care you know I'm not like going off to work for eight hours and leaving it and you know so I'm just excited and I and I feel like I've been looking at other people for so long I'm like how do they do it they have they live alone they have a dog like what but I'm like wait a minute that like that makes so much sense for me and anyways back to the breed I just love goldens it's all I know and I feel like I just I pulled the trigger and I found one and I it looks like I'm getting it and let me list off the names without without further ado so basically let me recap hold on do I have any more LaCroix left how are you guys doing I mean is anyone does anyone have like pre-inauguration anxiety

I don't know it's the 20th tomorrow shit might happen I'm literally adopting a dog on well I'm pretty sure I'm getting it tomorrow uh literally on the inauguration day so um I'll be completely distracted in my own world with a puppy um yeah how are you guys doing I mean how's your 2021 going so far let me check in I make this all about me and how shitty my day was but you know I held I held my son today held my son the love of my life and it's looking like it's gonna work out so I just hate how everyone is trying to buy this like just it's it's tough um I'm pretty sure secure the bag I'm gonna get this dog but anyways so um what was I gonna say oh basically I had a shitty morning turned around met the dog met the pup and then um oh I was gonna name names so

basically I had a negative morning turned into a positive day can't stop thinking about this dog but hey I will say this this sounds crazy and I hope my boss is listening I really do so I feel like I am now a single mom like I've already started mentally acting like this I'm like I'm a single mom I have to work my ass off to feed my kid so it's like this puppy is motivating me to work even harder and grind more and like do better in my life like this dog is gonna push me to be a better person already it is and I don't even fucking have it so this is gonna be a positive influence in my life I just think like I'm like wait so if I have a kid like I'm pretending like I if I don't grind and work and like slave away at six jobs like this kid isn't

gonna have its dinner tonight like that's how I'm feeling about the new um animal already so the animal the fucking the pups so let's do names people are all over my dm saying because I've been like reaching out to people sending them pics of the dog like showing them what he looks like and they're like you don't name it before you get it you name it it'll come to you you sit there with the dog it'll come to you and I understand that but I I just like picking names out or getting it in my head first so let's start off with we got um bubbles so do not make fun of any of these names these are all the ones I came up with out of um pure just like who gives a fuck what your name like to me when someone's like hey what's your dog's name hey cute dog

what's its name I just want to be like cheeseburger his name's cheeseburger like I want to give him a fucking like a stupid fucking name but like in the home we call him Marty or like a cute normal dog name but like I'll introduce him as Cheeseburger or Bubbles or Nacho you know give him like a fucked up name in public and then in the home he's Max you know so let me just tell you guys some of the names for real though like cody keeps popping up um so cody ronnie bentley marty there's a theme here i think it was my dad or yeah i'm pretty sure he said that dogs with like the e sound at the end like they do better with the e sound names than like

like here's another name that's not that ranger like it's a ranger ranger like if I yell at him it'll sound aggressive so that's probably good to call him ranger like that's a good name ranger ranger but like hey Toby Toby it's like cuter I don't know how do you guys name your dogs what do you pick I know what comes to you I know that you sit with it you browse names in your brain as you're staring at its eyes and you're like hi you are calvin or fucking peter or some shit which are names on the list that i don't like okay we got bentley chip waylon charlie and i've already had a charlie but i still like it i gotta take that off i can't do i can't repeat a dog name that i've already had charlie's out charlie had a skin condition and

ran away never saw him again but have i guys have i told you guys about charlie our golden retriever that like he was a jackass of a dog but like he was a farm dog like he wasn't trained like buddy was where he was really housebroken and like this dog was like a just crazy ass ran through ran through all the fields pissed off all the workers like just escaped the property all the time he got himself a bad skin condition and then I think he ran away for I don't know like a week or two and a family took him in and then I think they called us and they're like yeah we took him to the vet we're getting his skin looked at and then like they ended up keeping him I think yeah so this is like a this was a transition dog like we didn't grow up with him but he was like we got him

and he just wasn't it didn't really work I think we had him for a couple years does that guys we weren't abusing the dog understand that the dog was just not um maybe we were maybe you'd sit here and argue with me and be like well if he weren't abusing the dog if the dog was running away it didn't like you I just think we sucked at training it like buddy had the the electric fence around the property he had I feel like he went to a trainer I don't I don't remember. I was too young, but Charlie was more of a job. He was a good dog. Don't get me wrong. He was a good dog, but he had some running away problems. And like, he had no band. He didn't know what boundaries were, especially with people. He just like go and

like run through the field as they're like picking fucking carrots or no, like what, what did they pick out where my mom lives? Um, like blueberries, they'd be in the, he'd be in the blueberry patches, the blueberry trees fucking around with the workers as they're trying to pick the berries so yeah I can't name it I can't name my dog Charlie um Dustin Scotty Peter no I don't like Peter or Calvin I wrote those I don't I don't like Peter kill Benny Johnny I do like Johnny Joey Gunner Jordy then there's cheeseburger nacho bubbles don't make fun of me and ranger I don't know guys I just like give me your feedback I mean the dogs in me named by Fred like I'll figure out the name and like immediately probably but

or after, you know, I think it might take me a day or two, but, uh, I follow someone on Instagram and his dog, he has a golden, he's actually by inspo. He was the first person shout out, shout out Stewart strength on Instagram. I'll shout you out. He was the first person I came across who lived. I'm pretty sure he lives in a, he's like a, an apartment, a city apartment with with a golden like he did it and I watched him raise the dog and you know now I'm watching so by the way this is this is what's kind of fun right now is I follow two people I follow this girl from Philadelphia she just bought a golden who's like 10 or 11 weeks right now so she's just got him just starting to raise him so I'm watching her

every day, like show off this dog and what she's doing with it. And I've been following her for years. So it's kind of cool. Like I'm getting a dog too, at the same time she is, it's the same breed. That's cool. And then I follow this other girl who's going to Harvard. I think she's from here. Yeah. She's from California. She's over on the East coast and she's, she just bought a Labradoodle and she's like all over her story showing off like how she's raising it, everything she's doing and I know it's different for each owner but like I just feel like you like get it's fun to like see other people at the same time raise a dog I feel like that'll be fun for me and just like nice so and these are people I really love following so I feel like I get to

do it too with them and so anyways um what was I talking about oh this guy from uh I think he's Canadian yeah his dog's name is Waylon and I love that name Waylon is such a good dog name especially I just see I see it with this puppy I'm like you're a Wayland but his dog is named that and I can't un like I can't if you know someone has the same breed of dog and you name it that maybe who cares who really cares though maybe it'll just like I won't really think about it I'll just call him that but I like so I'm liking I'm liking Wayland Ranger Joey's kind of cute Johnny I don't know I look there's just dumb names too like I could just name him Nacho so anyways that's what happened today I think I'm gonna like blast out of here

and uh I didn't even tell you guys what did I preface this in the beginning that today's episode was a couch cast. Yeah. I told you guys I'm on my piece of shit couch, but I'm like relaxed and it's chill and it's nighttime. So after this, I'm probably gonna like honestly grind some more for my new child. I need to grind. I need to work until 3am. No sleep. Hashtag no sleep. I'm in a type of so I love like my work situation because I can basically like I can work around the clock if I want I can work on a Sunday like I it's really flexible like with what I do so I find myself working at night but I don't know now you guys I think that that's funny what I said about or it's interesting how immediately I went into like mom mode I was like okay I gotta get like

my I have to really get my shit together because I'm gonna have this baby with me so can't wait to share share puppy stories with you guys share pictures videos you know I'll be honest can I be really honest right now this is how I kept talking in the beginning I'm just so honest and raw with you guys and and again that's just straight up for my own sanity because I'm trying to overcome my past fake bitch self who was like going on the internet really insecure like hi guys welcome back to my podcast today we're going to talk about how my journey with healing crystals and opening my chakras and fucking like I am I'm trying to be just like I don't know if the word is relaxed and just like open and straight up with you guys for my I'm like working that

muscle because this feels like the most me I've ever been. And thank you for like coming along this journey with me. Cause I think, um, you kind of have to do a podcast every day or like do it really frequently to nip that in the ass and not sound like a, like a, like a cartoon of yourself and like a little, like, I don't know, but here's the thing. What was I saying? Here's the thing about two seconds ago. Oh, I want to be on. Let me just cut to the chase. Do I just see the ghost again? There's just movement. There's movement. Maybe my light bulb, you know what? It might be my light bulb flickering. I have these Edison bulbs are kind of like a warm toned bulb. They're vintage. I like them for a living room lighting. I think it's flickering,

But here's what I want to say about the dog. The reason why I, and I didn't plan a show. Like I caught myself talking about the afternoon when I went and met the creature. Instead of buying the couch, I'm going to buy a dog. Like I was teasing that. I caught myself not wanting to say anything about it. Not wanting to tell anyone. Like I wanted to keep that to myself and not be, not to be secretive, but I don't want to be, first of all, like, this is me being super straight up. I feel like, this sounds like I'm ratting my mom out, but I feel like my mom would be like, oh my God, how come you didn't tell us about this? Why didn't you like include us in this adoption and like want us to like help you? And then, like, you know, like, I feel like she would be, like, concerned or worried if she knew I wanted a puppy. And can I even afford it and deal with it?

Like, does she even, you know, I feel like she'd be concerned and, like, worried. So I was, like, afraid to say anything. Because I just always feel like my mom's going to, because she's a mom and she's a parent and this is, like, a normal thing. She's going to obviously support my decisions. But, like, there's always that, is this going to make her worry about me? And, like, you know? And so I just, like, was hesitant because of that. And that's me trying to, like, I'm trying to overcome that with myself where I'm, like, this is my life.

I make my own choices independent of my parents. And I am, you know, going to fuck up and take risks. But I'm trying to learn and grow and do the best I can. And thank God I have their support no matter what. So I was hesitant about that. and then also because of the just the negative what's it called negative uh there's the culture especially on on social media that um like I feel like people that shit on getting what am I trying to say like if you don't rescue a dog you're a piece of shit and that's what

that's like the tone I noticed on the internet with buying a dog so I'm like uh you know it's really difficult I will say I'll say this I said okay here's the thing I I told you guys I don't know it's been a few days I I said I found a southern California golden retriever rescue I found one up in LA and I said this is where I'm gonna adopt a dog and rescue a golden retriever because I wanted to rescue it means a lot to me it's important for me like all my I just felt like that's honestly I felt pressure to say that I felt pressure from what I've seen other people do and say that that's the only way to go that's the best thing to do you're a piece of shit if you don't rescue so I was like okay so this is like the one and only

place because golden retrievers just just don't show up at um shelters like that's they just don't it's a it's like a diamond if your needle in a haystack it's like impossible to find a purebred retriever at a shelter like it just doesn't exist so I thought okay so there this is the one and only rescue literally around just for golden retrievers and I'm gonna have to sit and wait maybe a year maybe you know it could be tomorrow but it could be in a year to find a puppy because a lot of them are older and I want to raise a puppy so I was like okay well that's pretty much what I'm locked into here if I want to rescue a golden unless I randomly get a notification from one of these websites that says hey you know there's a rescue golden like they're you know

so anyways I was hesitant to say anything because of people just being like weird about dog adoptions like or just like buying from breeders and buying I don't know so uh that's my life update I'm really excited I think it's gonna be good for me I'm like I don't even worry here's the thing about this is what it's it's a positive thing to realize I guess a change in me is that I'm practicing what I'm preaching about not overthinking things and spiraling and like talking myself out of something I want because I think in the past I would go oh I really want a pet I want a dog and then I sit and tell myself like 50 reasons why that would be a bad idea where now I'm like only positive this is a good idea for and this is why the dog will change my

life and this is why it's gonna be a positive impact in my life and people sit like I could sit and worry about well what if I travel or what if I want to go here do this or leave and what will I do well I'll figure it out when the day comes and I'll plan ahead that's what I'll do how else do other how else do people do that you know it's not an impossible thing to do to leave your dog and travel there's something there's like a there's a way to do it so I think that's a positive um change in myself that I just march forward make decisions and I I figure it out I always do and I'm not reckless I'm methodical but I think I I'm noticing my age now I know I'm young. I know I have a lot of years left, but it's like, I realized my brother is

turning, is he 25? Fuck. Wait, I'm 27 this year. He's 20. Wait. Oh my God. My brother's turning 25. I almost cried. I like, I could cry right now. I almost cried. I was like about to sleep last night and I'm like, Robert's birthday is Friday and he's 25. Where has life gone? Like, where is time gone so not to get emo wow this has been a roller coaster of emotions today holy shit but that like it's starting to hit me how if I'm gonna be in my 20s in my own cutesy little apartment in my dream city here in my dream land and I want a dog and I don't do it like what I'm like what the what's the point of anything like just do live your dreams like get what you want do what you want like don't sit around and wait and come up with excuses

is why you shouldn't do it and live with that regret of like oh I wish I had that or I wish I did that you know it's never going to be perfect you're never going to be fully ready and that's what I'm starting to to love about the changes I've made in my life is I'm pretty gung-ho and not to say spontaneous but I'm willing to take a little more risks and not to say it's a risk to get a dog I mean in a way it can be but just say yes to my dreams and do it like I podcast seven days a week that just that was a on a whim decision wasn't a super premeditated thing I it felt right this is what's this is what's so true about me I know I did my personality test yesterday but I go I turn to how I feel so much about like like if I feel super happy about

something and lit up and like I'm glowing from the inside out when I'm experiencing something I ride that wave and so that happened to me as soon as I recorded my first podcast I recognize that like whoa this is like a wave that just hit me of I'm happy this is my passion like holy fuck I this is what I'm supposed to do and then literally like the whole getting a puppy thing it's like this can't stop thinking about it dreaming about it wanting it like holding the puppy today like it all makes sense it's I feel so happy everything feels right there's not a single little piece of me that's like worried about it it's just like it feels so back to the feeling like a lot of the decisions I make are based on that like my happy gauge and I don't know you

could is that it I'm trying to dissect this now why am I overthinking this or why am I trying to keep this podcast going longer than it should be my screensaver is literally the puppy oh my god I'm praying to God he's mine um basically what was I gonna say what did I say I do what I want no um you gotta have a a compass though about your decisions especially around your happiness because if you just do things that are pleasurable and like that make you happy all the time like that can be a negative thing especially with substance abuse and like addictions and all those terrible things so um I guess the happy feeling I I check in with or I go back to is like that I'm five years old I'm a little kid and I'm lit up and if I feel that

around something or someone or whatever it is I like glue myself to it I'm just like yes so episode 138. I don't even know what I said, but that was the journey of a day. Um, glad it's over excited for tomorrow. Excited to update you guys on, um, this puppy and my new life with it. And, uh, I'm trying to like manifest this year. I don't know how else to say it. Like, I just want to like do everything I dream of doing and I want to go on retriever. So I'm fucking good. All right. love you guys uh head over to patreon.com slash tjms that's my subscription service my subscription page you can get access to bonus content my exclusive content the only patreon members get access to so check it out patreon.com slash tjms follow me on instagram subscribe to the

podcast if you haven't already. And yeah, love you guys. Hope you have a great Tuesday. And I don't know how to end these. Love you. All right. Bye.