The Jacqueline Monroe Show - 172- Pray For Tiger

Episode Date: February 24, 2021

Happy Tuesday! Patreon.com/TJMS ROBMON: https://open.spotify.com/artist/2d4jPCnnODLVsSNOWJorAy?si=0yxA6iagSAW0uOfIudovGw&nd=1 https://soundcloud.com/robmonmusic

What's up, guys? Happy Tuesday. It's episode 172. Welcome back to the show. hey what's up it's Jacqueline welcome back to the show cool happy Tuesday I just looked at the date and sorry I'm itching my eye I only checked the date like twice a month now I don't even care what day it is really um and I just noticed it's almost March like it's the 23rd of February like where did this month went really fast anyways uh yeah go ahead and hit that subscribe button I'm here seven days a week this is my audio diary this is my daily mental health practice. What do I, I basically talk it out every day and I work on myself and yeah. So hit that subscribe button. I'll be here every day for you to have a friend

to listen to, an escape. I'll take you places. Today we're going to go places and it's going to be pretty, pretty bland, pretty bland. Today we're going to go throughout my day, like a Tuesday work day and I'm going to try to make it sound as interesting as possible. You know, I, there was chicken involved today. There was pumpkin puree involved in my day today. Uh, there was a death, excuse me. It was not a death. There was a severe car crash resulting in injury, not death that happened today. Um, I got lots of shit. I got clubhouse stuff to talk about. So anyways, today's going to be a vlog today's going to be an audio vlog and yeah um real quick before i get into this no i don't want to plug patreon i should just you know i should tell you guys to go to

patreon.com slash tjms i should do that once a week i just feel like it's exhausting every single episode i do it every i do this every day and you have to hear me say patreon.com slash tjms all right I'll set the scene here I'm drinking a an aha aha sparkling water lime watermelon and I hate I hate fake watermelon taste but it's more of an essence so I don't care but like if you hand me a watermelon jolly rancher like imagine the taste of a of a watermelon jolly rancher did i say jelly rancher jolly rancher like the only acceptable jolly rancher is the blue one is not the blue raspberry i don't know or like don't fucking think the grape one sucked and then the uh the watermelon anything fake watermelon like candy disgusting but um yeah that's my

beverage tonight uh jimmy i had to work him out really hard tonight on the road we went on a uh, and basically took him through a David Goggins exercise program. We ran 24 miles and he's completely out. This is the first time I've recorded a podcast at 7 53 PM. Uh, usually he gets a second wind and super excited this time of night, but this is the first time I've recorded with him in a full, he's fully sedated. He's so exhausted from running. Um, so yeah, he's completely passed out. He hasn't even like moved in about an hour and a half. So that's a scene I'm wearing. Uh, my t-shirt is from Walmart. It's double XL from the men's section. It's got a bald Eagle on it. There's three Eagles

on it and a moon. Um, yeah, I dunno. I'm a bonfire bitch. I feel like this is the most white trash I to my own. This is like what Chelsea is. Her name, Chelsea Lynn, Tammy, right? She does that Tammy persona on Instagram. I feel like this is something she would wear. All I need is a cigarette and I need an extra 400 pounds of my body and then bigger tits. And then I'd be her. That's what I'm wearing tonight. And then, um, I got some green avocados on my table for no fucking reason. There's just like four green avocados sitting next to me I don't know I'm just like as a podcast host I'm trying to describe the scene right now and like it's audio only uh let's not talk about YouTube I've completely it's a long story about

YouTube uh I shouldn't even call attention to the fact that I've stopped doing video uh I don't even want to talk about it but basically I'm trying to give you guys a fucking this this sucks all right you know what? I'm just going to start with the vlog part and, and not, and not call attention to things you guys weren't even thinking about. So, okay. So, um, let's just start with my morning. Um, I woke up and do you guys ever have those mornings where you wake up and you audibly say out loud because it's such a rare experience that this happens to you you audibly say I feel good like I woke up and said that to myself I I felt good I actually felt good I was like wait nothing hurts I don't have a headache I don't have

brain fog. I feel amazing. I was like, I feel good. And so that's how I started the day. And then, um, I got up, um, guys, let me tell you my, my routine with Jimmy. Cause I think it's really special. And I think I've talked to you guys about our cuddling routine in the past, but let me just refresh like the latest Jimmy's my three month old golden retriever. So like right now he's passed out so what what will happen is when I I'll like watch Ozark after this I'm on the last season uh I'll like ding dong I'll dink I'll dilly I'll fuck it I'll dilly dag what is it called a lollygag I'll dink around on my cell phone for about you know 30 minutes or so after ozark probably tiktok um and maybe just you know tinder or something just to like i don't know

like i just bounce around apps at night i'm like why the fuck am i here i don't even care like i literally don't even speaking of dating apps like it i i'm i don't i don't even i hate participating in like a conversation it's like i just don't even give an energy anymore but i just like to look around sometimes um so I'll do that but then this is the routine as soon as Jimmy hears the faucet turn on in my bathroom because that's what then he knows okay she's brushing her teeth he'll waddle into my bedroom and he just lays next to the bed just like right by where I get in and then I'll get done with my skincare my teeth brushing I'll put on my pjs and then I go into the room and then he just like because he's low energy at night at this point because

he's been he's tired so he just like because he can't jump on my bed Jimmy like in the most like slow motion struggle bus way he jumps up on the side of my bed and just stands there and looks at me like two arms up full stretch because my bed's kind of tall well for him especially because he's a puppy and he just puts his arms up and then stares at me until I lift him on the bed and then of course I get in and uh I have like an I have a lamp on and then I turn the lamp off and then like as soon as the lamp comes off he goes right behind me and I've posted this all over my Instagram story so many of you have seen this he like goes behind me and just takes his his skull his heavy ass skull and just dumps it on my shoulder and like it's in the like so I'm

on my side because at this point it's not dude social media addiction I'm not done with the day I'm fucking this this is literally my routine I do all my skincare get ready for bed all that shit and then I get in bed with Jimmy he puts his skull on my shoulder and then I have a pillow wedged like okay I'm on my side I'm on my fuck what side is my right side and I have a pill I'm holding I'm like I'm spooning a pillow Jimmy's spooning me and then I'm spooning my phone does that make sense so that my phone is in front of my pillow like it's kind of over the bed and I'm still going okay and at this point I I go okay in five minutes I'll get off and then it's like okay in 10 minutes I'll get off and then it's 11 30 and then it's a 12 and then it's midnight and

it's 12 30 I'm like well you know what I don't have a meeting tomorrow at 10 I could just sleep in and so then it goes like that and then um and I'd say this is 60 percent of the time I fall asleep with my phone and uh I don't know I woke up and I said it out loud I did that last night and I feel great. So I feel good. What did I say? I feel good. So then, uh, at that point I throw my phone on the nightstand. I say, Alexa, oh shit. If you're, if you're listening to this in your apartment or house or whatever within Alexa, it probably just triggered her. Alexa, plague dog music playlist on spotify jimmy looks possessed right now holy fuck

okay he's got it's like he's uh okay guys i need to film this hold on i know i don't edit this and it's live right now oh my god he's having puppy dreams but his eyelid is like flipped upside down and it's bloodshot as fuck like his eye is red he looks like a demon and he's he's see puppies like run in their sleep so their legs move really fast as they're asleep and it's really creepy but anyways um sorry what was I saying so yeah I I played this dog it's called dog music on Spotify my favorite playlist to sleep to I initially um it was actually so you know of course uh the algorithm knows they have a dog so initially this came by my feed this playlisted as a sponsored ad from spotify play dog music for dogs that have anxiety and so then i realized

like it's the humans can listen to it it's amazing so i play that every single night as soon as that comes on he's like get me out of here i'm done spooning you and then i lift him off the bed and I have a canopy bed I don't know it's like raised off the ground you can like go you can go underneath it I feel like Jacqueline there's so many beds like you can go under beds okay that's where the monsters sleep like that's where people store like when you're a kid that's where you shove all your fucking clothes last at the last second when your mom is checking to see if your room's clean like obviously not everyone has a mattress on the floor like I don't know I just assume whatever okay so then he goes and I have so under my bed I have

well I have three suitcases so I literally every time someone visits me they like leave a suitcase at my apartment so they're like oh like I don't even remember why the last time they left it I don't know I have three under my bed two of them are kind of small they're like a carry-on and then I have a big one in my closet, but I have three suitcases. I have a basket full of like yoga straps and like weight stuff and like ankle weights, like, like, like, like, um, and then I have a Tupperware bin thing of like old wallets and purses and shit. I don't really use right now. And then I think of hangers. I don't know. So whatever Jimmy goes and like, he, uh, I was afraid he was going to perk up if he heard his name. He's still running. He's still running in this

dream. Jimmy's running. Dude. He's he's thinks he's David Goggins. I told you we won. We went on that workout. Uh, we went on that 24 mile run about an hour and a half ago. And, uh, he's still, he's visualizing. He's doing his athlete visual visualization, uh practice right now I'm proud of him so fuck um anyways Jimmy has a spot and it's so random like on the side of my bed there's a silk pillowcase pillow this why did I why am I describing the pillowcase okay it like fell off the bed but it fell off in like the perfect spot for him to sleep at night because it's kind of in the middle of the bed underneath or whatever so it's like his dog bed but he doesn't actually sleep on it like he puts like his nose on it and then sleeps on

the hard floor directly in the middle of my bed underneath it like directly at the okay under my bed in the middle of the epicenter at the fucking yeah that's where he sleeps and why am I telling an 18 minute story about my bedtime routine with my dog but it's not over yet because the morning happens and then what you know you want to hear the morning cuddle time I'll tell you about it But yeah, he sleeps there all night. Um, it's just wild how like, you know, I bet he feels safe. I think to him, it's his little den because he's surrounded by all of these, it's like boxed in with the luggage and the bins and the baskets. So it probably feels really nice to him to be down there. So whatever. So then in the morning, every morning at five 30, he wakes up and walks out of,

walks out from under the bed and guys, I don't know why, but I feel like we got to talk about chicken. We got to talk about tiger woods. We got to talk about a clubhouse, something that happened to me. We got, I have a lot to cover. I'm just going to cut to the chase here. Basically every morning at five 30, he comes over and jumps on the side of the bed with high energy, high energy. And then I lift him up and he does the same thing. He comes over to my shoulder as I'm like half asleep because I don't wake up till six he uh pops his head or excuse me his skull on my shoulder and then we cuddle until I wake up he like keeps sleeping we sleep for about 30 more minutes and then um at six we wake up and I take him out so that's it um and then okay let me just

move forward so let me just so yeah we we go outside so this morning um this is now just like a fucking vlog about, I have a new puppy, and this is the steps I do in my day, and I always bitch about people that are like, hey guys, so today I went to the store, and I fucking blah, blah, blah, and then I made my coffee, and I went and got lunch, and then I got a salad, and then fucking blah, blah, like, I'm doing it, but you know what, I just feel good, I feel good, and I just want to have a casual episode today, um, I am going to read a piece of news that you guys are already, you're already aware of but uh most likely aware of but I don't know in the past like week I've done so many current events episodes where I'm just sitting and bitching the entire time about shit that's

fucked up in the world I just don't feel like doing that tonight guys I have a really bad problem this is not do you guys do this too like I just find like the like tiniest bump on my like arm like maybe a little tiny um filled pore you know it's not a zit it's nothing really it's just like a little bump something happened with my skin and it's like a little bump and then I just pick the fucking I pick it turns into like a a wound and I don't I get fixated I think I have I have a picking problem and I've confessed how like every three months I do that to my face it's like this insane release it's like I I'm so disciplined about not picking my face because I give a fuck about my appearance and I like having nice skin and I like looking flawless and glowing and

beautiful and every three months I crack and I go the fuck in on my face and I I pick this I don't really have acne but I just like find something small and I turn into something large and then it's scabbing and then it's bleeding and then I'm fucking scarred and yeah but I'm basically doing that on my arms right now and I just don't it's kind of like I don't even it kind of hurts um you know it's fucked up too guys I popped a pimple on Jimmy is that abuse I got fixated on a fucking pimple on his elbow he had a pimple on his elbow was huge I was like how does this kid have acne already he's fucking three months old and I know that's probably 13 in dog years but like dude it was so big and it wasn't infected

it was like a blackhead it wasn't even a pimple it was a blackhead which got me really excited because I prefer those over anything but um like do you guys do your do you fucking pick your dog's pimples am I a psychopath what's happening oh god damn it guys you want to know something even more fucked up god damn it okay so two things I was gonna talk about going on a walk with Jimmy doing yoga working going on clubhouse I'm not even getting there yet but like okay so recently Jimmy's this is literally all about my puppy recently Jimmy has started resembling Buddy the first golden retriever my family got and today I was just like I smoked him out by the way I was I had my cast iron skillet going he smoked him out the two alarm two smoke detectors were going

off he was freaking out and so I had to settle him down I took him in the bathroom where there wasn't smoke and I let him go on the cool ground uh well he he brought himself in there let's be honest he he knew what was up he's like I'm laying low I'm getting out of the smoke I'm a fireman I know what to do so he fucking sits there all sad because it smells like shit and he got his ears blown out from the smoke detector and I'm sitting there and I and I recognize I realized like I held his face like I cupped his jaw and his ears and everything and I just stared at him and I was consoling him and then I was like oh my god you are buddy and I know golden retrievers look like but like there's variations of what their faces look like and I feel like he's literally buddy

it's so it's so trippy to me and then guys so you know how the the pimple I told you about uh, or the blackhead on his elbow. I popped out. So guys, this is like fucked up that I even remember this, but this is why my mom, she was going to come on the, on the podcast back in December when I went home for Christmas and she was going to do an entire spiel on how she believes I should have been a dermatologist. I should have been an esthetician because I love picking shit. Like it's a fucking bonus. Like if you're a guy and you have back knee, you instantly become a 10. for me, personal preference, like I need you to have back knee. I need you to have bad acne or not on your face, but like on your body. Like if you're a guy with back zits, oh my God. And I know

this is embarrassing to admit, but I'm just being honest. Like, and it doesn't have to be all the time. Like it's good for me if it's not an all the time thing, but every now and then you need something popped, you know, I don't like to feel disgusting. Like I need to get, get at your back every day okay but uh once every three months you know I'll pop my face and I'll go to your back I'll destroy it and then I'll get it out I'll have that release anyways what was I saying so yeah I held his face and then I had a flashback okay the day I was like 17 I think I was 17 uh the day we put him down my dog buddy he was 14 years old I was in science class I texted my dad and mom and I said it's okay you can put him down uh on that day I think it was

November wait was it November 17th November 3rd I think it was November 3rd wait a minute why do I remember that so well it's probably on my Facebook still okay whatever um yeah I let him know because I was the kid that was like okay I I was having the hardest time with it so everyone else said it's cool mom and dad you can take them in and get them and put them down and I was the last one just like they wanted me to come around right so I texted them I'm freaked you're you're you're like why is this relating how come you to you just you're how are you gonna relate this to a blackhead how are you gonna relate your dog getting put down your 14 year old golden retriever getting put down in high school

to your puppy's blackhead on his elbow watch okay so uh I freak out I'm in science class I like can't stop thinking about the fact my dog's gonna be gone forever and I won't be able to say goodbye I just kind of like said fuck it go put him down I don't want to be be there I don't want to see anything and I was at peace with it. And so I freaked out and drove home in a fucking truck, fucking, fucking Ford F two 50, uh, with a peeling paint job. Uh, yeah, I drove that home. I think that's what at the time. Yeah. Was I driving that? Like the three of us kids would just drive that to school and we'd like share it anyways. Um, fucking, I drove that bitch home a hundred miles an hour

and I like went into the back laundry room laundry room where his bed was and he's sitting there really old and frail and and he was so sick he had a lymphoma I'm pretty sure he had like huge tumors in his uh what's it called his uh neck and then his back leg stopped working and shit so it was bad anyways I I held his face I held his face I stared him in the eyes for so long and it's like impossible to not get emotional as I say this but I'm gonna hold my shit together because it's gonna be so fucked up what I'm about to say I'm holding his face just like I was holding Jimmy's face in the bathroom today I'm staring at my fucking dying golden retriever's eyes and I feel something

and I get fixated on it he had a fucking black head on his on his uh right above his uh kind of like in the middle of his eyes like but like on his on the top of his head it was on the top of his head and I had a fucked up thought that was like like it was distracting me from the fact that he's gonna die in like an hour I was like I want to pick this so bad but you're gonna but I'm I that's fucked up if I do that right before your death but I can't stop thinking about it it's right there and it was like protruding this blackhead I don't know how no one else in the family caught this like earlier or like I don't know because we pet we petted him every day we saw it was literally like a horn and I felt I was just like god damn it why am I like this

it's my dog like it's that's is that do like okay someone dm me not someone you I'm addressing one person I learned that today in clubhouse when I talk to my audience I'm talking to you this is a personal conversation it's a two work work I'm talking to you what is what did I learn wait who said that today some like podcast mentor person who's like grow your audience grow your podcast in six months you know like whatever um so yeah so please you if you could dm me what that means am i is that a compulsive behavior do i have i know i have an oral fixation my dentist made or my orthodontist um body shamed me about my tongue one time and i never forgot it and then i figured that

figured out later in life that I have an oral fixation but is that a fixation like a do I have a compulsive need to pop things what does that mean but like it was so fucked up I'm like you're gonna how am I like my brain it was like don't think about it don't look at it don't touch it just hold his head and and say goodbye and just like be with him and pet him and just like like I hugged the shit out of him like I was just I think I was with him for a good hour just saying goodbye fuck dude this is like the hardest thing to talk about because it's like kind of fucking funny and that I even remember that or like it's so fucked up and I have a three-month-old next to me like you are not allowed to die I was ears exposed whenever whenever it flops over like that

come on dude it's like your fly's undone that's the equivalent when dog's ears flapped over like that you know when like it's like backwards just like dude zip up your fly he's so passed out I've never seen him like this he's exhausted okay so anyways um let's just move on I guess big news today Tiger Woods Tiger Woods who's running late apparently to uh shoot with Drew Brees he was gonna show Drew Brees the moves on the golf course and uh gotten a super fucked up looking car crash here I'm looking at the car there's like a picture of the airbag with blood on it he's in surgery he had surgery I'm on TMZ's website yeah so I don't know about you

guys but like when I saw this because I'm I'm a big Tiger Woods fan and I've you know followed him forever and I just saw this and I was like this felt like like the reaction to my body was the same as fucking Kobe that should not go together fucking Kobe like I should not have said it like that that's fucking fuck I should just not say fuck like the pictures the over like the aerial view of the car and the crash and i'm like it was like seeing the crash of the helicopter and i was like oh my god it's like fucking what is it february isn't it the same it like happened around the same time of year and i'm like what's going on but basically it sounds like he was running late and he was staying at a hotel where a movie was being shot or a tv show um let's see

here tiger was staying at a hotel where a major network television show was being shot production sources tell tmz when the director arrived just before 7 a.m tiger was driving his suv very fast as he was leaving the property and almost hit the director's car so it sounds like he whizzed quickly out of the hotel because he was running late there's also a statement here that he uh appeared to be agitated and impatient and then people just say yeah he took off fast but and then the officials are saying that as i'm saying this there's like a ambulance going by right now okay simulation um they're saying that the seatbelt probably saved his life of course yeah um goddamn so anyways pray for tiger shit dude life is so fragile like

i'm getting more paranoid as i get older i'm like dude every time in my car i'm like looking at the so i've seen way too many videos on the freeway not to make this about myself like I start thinking about like on the highway wait do you say highway or freeway what's the how do I say it as a as a I'm not from California I'm like I'm a transplant here whatever they call us but uh what's how do Californians say freeway I was on the interstate I was on the old five the old five interstate five whatever and the opposing so the the lane or excuse me the other side of the freeway going the opposite direction towards me like I I always I keep my left eye on that crowd of cars like I'm constantly like someone is gonna jump over the barrier and

fucking hit me because I'm always in the fast lane and I've told you guys that I'm always in the fast lane if it's an option to go that fast and be at your destination faster by going in the fast lane then of course I'm taking that off I'm doing that like why would you go anywhere like hello so that that other the car is going the opposite direction or closest to me so I think about it and I get paranoid so anyways yeah it's just like car crashes are crazy there's so many car crashes but um I don't know it sounds like I mean hopefully he'll be okay there aren't there aren't any details about the kinds of injuries he had or like apparently he couldn't walk so the front end is just taken out like the whole the everything in the front is gone

which is totaled and then he's got he probably rolled say anything else here let me just scroll down it's not the first time tiger woods has been in a high-profile car accident he crashed his suv in 2009 okay you guys get the picture he got in a crash he's okay well dude is he done fuck he's been done right he's kind of been done i mean i saw him win the farmers what was it two years ago I don't know but he just like he's this probably took his back out for good I hope he's I hope he's gonna recover fuck anyways okay so today let me just run through like let's just be like Betty Betty Crocker Betty Homemaker right now together and I'm

gonna tell you kind of like what kind of day I had so it's Tuesday um I made the best coffee guys I told you my coffee routine with my nut pods marshmallow creamer toasted marshmallow I got that with my four shots of espresso in my body on my walk with Jimmy um dude not one two men approached today one of them was I was like okay oh okay good to know you're in the neighborhood okay um he was really hot and I was just like okay I see I see I need to go out in public. Like I need to like be on clubhouse, be doing my job, like in the streets in public all the time. Like, this is how you meet guys. I didn't realize that until like today it really hit me because usually people come up to me and it's like grandma and grandpa on the walk or like

a random like girl on a run, you know, not a hot, a hot man. So I'm, um, yeah, I'm noticing how Jimmy is he's helping me out with that uh with that with that what's it called ice he's like the icebreaker whatever it's like oh she's got a puppy she's approachable like here's a reason to say hi okay so anyways we had a great walk um I came inside and uh did yoga did yoga for like an hour and then I worked was on clubhouse all day um I'll quickly tell the clubhouse riff not the riffraff what am I saying the catastrophe the clubhouse catastrophe guys I'm on stage today I got invited on stage I think the room had multiple thousands of people listening here's Jacqueline Monroe on stage okay of course I'm on mute I have nothing to contribute I'm not here

building a business and it's all about how they the topic of the room was scaling your business okay so you know if they called on me I'd be like oh the way I scale I'm a I'm a podcast host and so far so good I post every day I'm I'm practicing consistency and the podcast is growing that's it I don't do any marketing or promotion really and then I don't know so we're cross-pollinating I don't guest star on any other podcasts um guest star guest whatever fucking okay so yeah I'm just there I think they call they call it you're parked you're holding a position on stage you have nothing to say or contribute um if you get called on this is where you go I need to listen a little more to the conversation just get a gist of what's going on before I comment on this

you know like I see some bullshit like that if I have no clue what's happening um so whatever I'm on stage I'm there for like an hour and I mean these people are like 50 levels above me and that's what I love about clubhouse like the whole the quote like never be the smartest person in the room like I'm practicing that literally every day and it's it's I feel like I'm learning so much it's so good for like your professional development and your mindset and your growth and like oh you know all that stuff so uh I've been loving it it's like better than college like I'm learning more in a you know two-hour clubhouse chat than I've ever learned in college because these are these are actually these are people that have like built businesses they've had you know decades in

their careers and they're they're talking shop they're bringing you right into their world and it's like, it's like a, it's like a weekly meeting as if you're working alongside them and you're just right in the conversation. So it's really cool. And anyways, let me get to it. So get on stage. I'm sitting there and I'm just like, I'm just, you know, at one point I took Jimmy out on a walk. I was still listening, but the wifi was, or like the, I was using my old iPhone seven and the internet was going in and out and I was like, great. Am I stuck here? Is this frozen? I don't know. And so then next thing I know, I get a message from someone else on stage and they're like, dude, they called your name. You're supposed to respond. Like they're calling your name to

talk. And I'm like, oh fuck. I'm that person who's up there just trolling, just there to get followers. No one's, everyone's like, oh, she's just not, she's not even listening to the conversation she's just she's just here for followers or she's just here for people to click on her profile and go follow her on Instagram whatever the fuck so yeah I was like great in front of all these people I look up to I'm that bitch I'm the one who I might the reason for it is what I just said like my um the wife something happened where my phone was frozen and they couldn't tap anything it was all fucked up and so I couldn't even get out of the room I couldn't open I cannot turn my microphone on it was fucked up so yeah that happened today um and overall i love

clubhouse uh it's gonna be interesting because it's gonna get really it's gonna get so saturated and everyone's gonna be on it and i really um i'm really excited to see like how it evolves because it's kind of basic right now i wonder what the future of clubhouse will be and like how how many more bells and whistles will they add to just the audio and the you have a profile picture and that's it like is there is it going to resemble um I don't know like a zoom hangout at some point where you can see people's faces is that their mission or is it will always be audio only um anyways so yeah clubhouse is cool follow me at club jacqueline let's connect um okay so that happened let me get to the Betty Crocker shit so hold on I need to drink water

I need mason jars I miss having those for water like I have a I'm using a blender what's it called a Vitamix what is that blender called Vitamix it's like the smoothie blender there's something about drinking out of a it's like plastic and it's just not good i need a i need a glass mason jar jar jar am i from the mason jar oh jimmy's awake god damn it hey son son he's drinking so much water both we're both having a water break uh oh yeah i'm still hiring staff in five years and i will be hiring a water boy that's going to be a position available so uh shoot me your resume right now if you want to get hired in five years for that job because a bitch gets exhausted like i really need i feel like whenever i see a podcast set up on uh youtube

or whatever it's just like here's a table here's a laptop and here's 73 beverages and it's like what the fuck everyone's drinking the whole time and I mean you really get your mouth really it really dries up okay so Betty Crocker shit let's get into it I got my grocery I got my groceries delivered today um didn't I make that my goal last weekend I was like I want to go to the grocery store today because I've been getting it delivered every weekend whatever I got it delivered today and I meal prepped. Um, guys, I made the best combo like, Oh, okay. So I like, I like chicken thighs. I think I told you guys that. Um, and I don't like them just baked and shit. Like I need them black. Like I need these bitches charred. I need them

like crusted it's got to be like a barbecued situation or i won't need a chicken thigh like just a baked chicken thigh or just like it's got to have a crust on it a crust so i did chicken thighs in the cast iron real simple i got uh salt and pepper and a little garlic powder a little uh ghost pepper a little spice and then uh that's it uh what am i even fucking why am i going through guys do you guys want to hear about like what did she meal prep whatever it's kind of like a pilgrim meal I used to get it I used I told you guys back in the Halloween time excuse me not the fucking the fucking Thanksgiving time I was eating a lot of gourds during gourd season I'm still eating gourds bitch I'm still eating eating that butternut I got a I got a thing for

butternut squash it's kind of like a fucking fetish I don't know what it is it's honestly so good like a butternut a roasted butternut squash tossed with maple syrup olive oil rosemary salt pepper and a little thyme not too much but just a little bit roast that cube it roast it oh my god so I did that on the side of my chicken and then I did uh roasted broccoli with a lot of cayenne because I like my broccoli with a lot of cayenne fuck I forgot garlic I was gonna crush garlic on it oh whatever um so that's what I made for like so I have butternut squash broccoli chicken and then I did mushrooms just like in a pan I don't do I don't even I just put some like light seasoning on them and then

that's it yeah okay so that's what I did today oh here's the okay why am I guys am I coming down sorry it is 8 31 p.m um okay so as I'm cooking I've got my fan on all the windows open like I've got this bitch ventilated or like air the air can escape okay a couple things happened and one of them involves a fire. Okay. So I'm like headphones in Rogan podcast on. It was the latest one. Whoever, one of the dudes on it is so funny. Let me get to it here. The latest episode. Fuck. It's Freddie Gibbs and Brian Moses. I was listening to that while I was cooking with my headphones in so I couldn't hear shit and next thing I know Jimmy's like at my feet just like jamming his head into my calves just like trying to like hide or something I couldn't

figure it out I was like what are you doing why are you scared right now I'm like am I getting robbed and so I take out my headphones and I hear that's a terrible smoke detector noise beep beep beep okay you guys know what it sounds like it was obnoxious it's loud as fuck and anyways um you might be wondering jacqueline why isn't your smoke detector in your kitchen okay because like oh wait i didn't tell you where i went i literally went into the storage closet where i removed where i reply is this illegal don't tell my landlord okay basically if it's in the kitchen and I'm lightly toasting a piece of bread it will go off immediately like it's really finicky and touchy and I and it's good right I want it to catch a

I want it to detect a fire but it was just annoying the fuck out of me so when I first moved in here I put it in the storage closet and I honestly until today it hasn't gone off well obviously it's there but today it was so bad it went off uh long story short I go and I I silence it and then it keeps going off so I put it under my bed I think it's still in there yeah I got so annoyed I just like I couldn't figure out how to take the battery out so I went into my bedroom I just like tucked it under my mattress like fuck you smoke detector I I'm here I'm on alert there if there's a fire I'm gonna see it I'm gonna be present I'm gonna call 9-1-1 I have a fire extinguisher I'll get the job done so you know fuck you smoke detector I don't need your help

So I threw that in my bedroom. Then I walked back to the kitchen, stick my headphones in. Okay. So it doesn't stop there. So listen, uh, Jimmy, out of nowhere, like two minutes later, same shit comes in the kitchen. He's acting terrified. It was like worse this time. okay I'm like what's happening um he's freaking out he looks terrified okay so another smoke the same I'm like the smoke detector under my mattress is going off again that's what my brain thought I'm like how the fuck is it detecting this chicken thigh smoke coming out of my cast iron with all these fucking windows open and the vent or and the fan going on how it was like is this is someone on the simulation fucking with me how is it how is this happening so I'm tripping out

I'm like how the I'm like legitimately that's like impossible scientifically that is impossible technologically biologically what's so fuck uh mechanically uh whatever so I waddle into my room oh excuse me i didn't do that i said that when i said waddle when i described i just remembered from the beginning of this episode when jimmy's tired he waddles into my bedroom at night that's funny i like my brain just did that so i take out my headphones and i'm hearing the beep and it's coming out of the storage closet okay guys remember i just took the smoke detector two minutes earlier and put it under my mattress took it out of the storage closet closet and put it into my mattress so i'm

fucking confused and freaking out i'm like what the i'm like i am i going crazy so clearly uh so i hear it coming from the storage closet and i open it and then i'm like oh there were there were two of them this one's from my bedroom that i also put in there when i was annoyed when it like if i blew a candle out it would go off in my bedroom so long story short both of the fucking smoke detectors ended up under my mattress i'll have to bring i'll have to take them out tonight uh this is all i know is this let me know please you you please you i'm talking yes to you, not y'all, not you guys, you DM me the legalities of removing or putting or relocating your smoke detectors from where your landlord placed them. Guys, it doesn't

stop there I need a drink after I come out of from my bedroom to go to get back to my chicken thighs I had to do like three rounds of barbecuing those bitches like there was a lot I cook like three pounds something like that and oh no he's not eating this sock I never want him to know what a sock tastes like Jimmy this is my mission I'm not letting him eat the sock my brother's dog's uh my brother's dog has a sock eating issue and he's had to go to the ER like 50 times for it and he's almost died so I'm like Jimmy is never gonna know what a sock looks like tastes like feels like he's never gonna know that texture oh god okay he oh he squealed I just ran him over with my uh office chair wheel fuck Jimmy

why'd you wake up so it doesn't stop there I get back to barbecue my chicken thighs sorry I'm trying to like stay on task and there's smoke coming from I like couldn't find where it was coming from but I just see smoke in my uh at my desk where I podcast like right where I'm at right now I'm like there's just smoke in the sky coming from nowhere I'm like what the fuck now I'm really freaking out now I'm like am I being is this a paranormal experience am I are there spirits here so I shut off the stove I'm like looking around the books looking around the table like my laptop I'm moving everything the notebooks the pens the beverages that are left over the

fuck every excuse me everything i have a throw bubble oh god okay so fuck god damn it i was trying to tell the story of that fire there's a fucking campfire happening on this table and it's like a ghost campfire i'm like where the fuck is it coming from so it hits me i get a flashback from being like 10 years old with a magnifying glass incinerating ants on the pavement by reflecting the sun into the magnifying glass and catching them on fire. I had a flashback of that because I realized my makeup mirror, the sun was bouncing on my makeup mirror. It was bouncing onto the makeup mirror. And then the makeup mirror light was bouncing onto my makeup brushes in the holder next to it. And one of them was on fire.

so that's where it was coming from shout out san diego always sunny in san diego i swear to god like it was actually really hot today so uh whatever i'm grateful for the sun but oh my god i was just like this is one thing after another so yeah uh one of my makeup brushes i've had since i was like 12 years old i feel like every woman knows what this is like you have that brush you've had forever it's like fucking it's done it's it's got a bad burn I mean I'm just playing with it right now all the little bristles are crisped off so burn to a crisp so yeah that happened during my meal prep session and then

after I meal prepped I like I don't know what did I do I went like worked more stolen clubhouse um I guess I have an update this is like a girly update about my skin I know I talked about picking the hell out picking the hell out of it every three months but I've been doing this thing now because you guys know like I I like taking care of my skin I genuinely care about like my you know aesthetics and my face okay it's like my it's like all I fucking got okay because a bitch gained a bitch gained weight in 2020. Okay. I'm not, and it's not coming off quickly. I'll be honest. It's not coming off quickly and it's pissing me off. So I got one thing left. I got, I got, I got my face. Okay. So I'm like working the face all the time lately. Like, God damn it. So I got to keep

this thing. Why did I just say that? You know what? Whatever. Um, and you guys know I'm an anti-body positive bitch I don't believe in that shit at all so I actually part of the reason let me just get personal right now uh I believe well I had a realization about myself and how like so I gained weight in 2020 I was depressed I wasn't I literally was immobile like I was just like sitting around laying around I wasn't even going outside there was a two-week period I did not go outdoors. Like I did not. And I didn't have a puppy obviously. So I didn't have to like take it outside, but literally didn't go outside for two weeks. Okay. Real bad, real bad depression, really dark place. Okay. Um, maybe I got my mail. Okay. But like, that's it. I probably didn't even

do that. No. Okay. So what am I saying? Yeah. The body positive movement. Uh, I, this realization that I think I was starting to go okay I can tell I'm gaining weight things aren't fitting and like I you know I'm not my little cute tops anymore and my cute shorts for summer and I'm like okay obviously I've gained weight and uh anyways like I could tell I was getting bigger and then I was like wait this is like wait so wait I'm supposed to like this I'm supposed to be body positive and embrace this and love this and feel and feel sexy and feel confident in who I am no matter what size I am. And no matter if I'm getting weighed, I'm like, wait, I'm supposed to be like flexing this on the gram. Like, look at me. I'm big and beautiful. I'm like, I love my

curves. Oh wait, I'm supposed to like feel good. I'm like, I'm fucking miserable. And I'm like, wait a minute. I got influenced by some bullshit because I want to look hot as fuck and hot as fuck to me looks a certain way. And it's not overweight. It's not chubby. And I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to look hot as fuck and not hot as fuck at you know 20 40 50 60 70 80 200 pounds heavier than you should be like it's like you know that's just what it is so I think there's nothing wrong with that I'm on a journey obviously I don't really talk about it but um I feel like I got sucked into that body positive bullshit I'm like god damn it I started making excuses like little like like I would let things slide you know when I was trying to like

get fit again I was like I was just like oh well I can really take my time with this I can just be gentle on myself I don't feel like it today so I'm gonna take a nap and you literally just stay depressed that's all fake bullshit by the way like there is no woman out there I've said this I feel like I'm repeating myself but I do a podcast seven days a week so if you if you listen every day and I do have people that listen every day you've heard this before there's not a single woman out there that like wouldn't want and just i'm saying it like no woman not one who's alive with a uh with exposure to other people and what's what's uh and the beauty standards of this world that are what they are for a fucking reason okay it's built in we are born with these

uh like tendencies in our brains to like see beauty or what's it called like we're there's a ratio in the in the wild and everything like there's so much science behind this shit of what we believe is attractive so i don't believe there's a single woman on this world that wouldn't want to look hot in a bikini on a beach at a at a normal bmi um you know toned fit healthy happy vibrant full of energy she can run around and her legs don't just like rub every fucking time she's going and it's like this well I feel like that actually happens to a lot of people that are fit um well I'm just saying

I don't think there's a woman who's like I actually no actually I want to be hot as fuck and 400 pounds no wait I want to be 400 pounds and be hot or fuck what am I saying I want to be I'd actually rather be 400 pounds that's what I'm saying I'd rather be 400 pounds and then every time I get up off the beach I have to like use a cane I prefer that and like no I can't play with my kids and run around with them on the beach and chase after them and stuff and and I'd actually prefer that than being fit and hot this fuck in a bikini and like you know active and having fun like that's just a I just that's how I see things and um I don't think there's anything wrong with just being super honest

about that and super like blunt I think it's uh I don't know it's like let's blame men for let's blame the male let's blame the male patriarchy let's blame the patriarchy and misogyny and the male gaze for the beauty standards of women and how untangible they are in society and how it's all a construct and so we're gonna blame everything on other people and not take accountability for our health and our own like it's such bullshit it's like this whole body positive shit is like teaching women how to it's like laziness is it's like just give up and that's okay giving up is okay and being lazy is okay and not trying is okay and blaming others is okay it's their fault it's not my fault I'm fat it's their fault I'm fat so anyways um

I'm trying to motivate myself right now I'm like yep you should uh I'm like trying to keep my brain I literally have to retrain my brain a little bit sometimes like I feel like I've seen too many of those like things on Instagram and TikTok everything about body positivity and I'm just like the fucking mannequins too and just it's just obnoxious so uh anyways oh let's talk about my skin I like to look I like to have nice skin because my face uh it's my uh god-given talent I don't know I can't help it parents were hot now look at me I gotta stop you know it is one of those things in life where you're like I know how I look this sounds so conceited and fucked up but like

I know that I'm not facially quote like I'm conventionally attractive I guess like I understand that and actually I got to tell you guys this thing I saw about women like attractive women and what they go through with men it's really fascinating actually I just never thought of it um I'm just scribbling you okay I'll talk about that after this um literally I'm going on this tangent just to tell you guys I've been doing this thing where after I do my makeup I pat on like I take a pump of rosehip oil and then I take a little bit of Vaseline you guys know my thing about Vaseline and I like rub it in my hands really good and then I just press it over my makeup like I can't I just like take my hands and cut my face and dab it over it so like my

entire face is like a shiny glowing pretty looking like disco ball thing because of my blushes underneath it and like it just smooths everything out because I don't wear a lot I don't wear any foundation or anything but like it just makes everything look better and so yeah that's what I've been doing lately so anyways but yeah let's get to this TikTok I saw about and I never thought of it but it makes sense so women who grow up and know like oh you're cute boys like you because you're cute or whatever they'll go through like there's I guess science behind this I don't know the study this is just word of mouth some shit I saw on TikTok but the attention they get like they'll get like something like 20 times more I don't know what the number was let's just say

they'll get 20 times more. It sounds like a lot. So just take a plain looking chick and then a fucking goddess and put them next to each other. The goddess is going to get, why am I calling her a goddess? The queen, a fucking baddie will get 20 times more attention from men throughout her life than a plain Jane or whatever. And then what's, what's interesting is that women who are just they don't they can't rely on their beauty and everything for uh to get a man you know they've got it's just not the you know it's just not the first what am i saying this is like hard to explain they'll have like they'll go through like less than four men in their life like relationships versus women who are super that that love them for them and love them for

who they are versus men who go to the hot woman versus like the 20 times more men so the hot woman will have attention and and she'll probably date 20 times more men or whatever the fuck that research was and she'll have to go through a lot more men to find one that wants her for who she is like she'll have to go through she'll probably have more attention have to siphon through more people to find someone versus someone who's more plain and less attractive and not conventionally beautiful who will only have to go through a few to find someone if that makes sense because I think what people realize is like hot people date each other right it's like a thing and uh whatever just calling it what it is and they realize they have options there's more choices

they can and then I feel like that it's like there's there's like you go through more it takes it's like a fucking I don't know because like honestly it would be easier to be ugly you would be like god damn it why did I say that I want to be easier what I'm not saying it's better it's it would be better of course not who would want like who would actually want that I'm just saying as far as like dating and stuff I feel like I mean if I was missing yeah if I was missing both of my legs and arms and someone wanted me and I would know they really wanted me if that you know what i mean god damn it this lady explained it in like 30 seconds on tiktok and i just tried my best but it's something to think about we just have a lot more to we i'm lumping myself in the

hot group fuck okay i'm done jimmy just took my tea towel off the countertop he's chewing it i mean at least it's not a sock but now i'm pissed like he can officially jump countertop height and I don't know how his legs are still working right now after we ran 24 miles so what the fuck how could he jump at this hour it's past his bedtime dude I'm just saying that and you know what I think everyone no I'm gonna just say this not hot girls are not hot girls or hot boys are not hot boys what's the plain boys plain janes and plain and fucking plain boys playing tom's playing j god damn it i think everyone deals with this at some level now because of social media dating apps all that stuff like we have so many options across the

board we everybody when i say we i mean everybody but it's interesting when you think about a sports illustrated cover model who's like a fucking also a victoria's secret angel like the amount of attention attention she's gonna get in her life from men and like the amount of guys she has available to like date and choices and everything is so many more than fucking su lu from you know with su lu why did i just give her like a bumfuck name no i'm gonna call something hot versus Celeste. She's a real slut. Celeste with a missing arm. God damn it. Oh man. You guys get it. Someone is going to date Celeste and love her for exactly who she is, no matter what. They don't care that she's missing an arm. They love her for her.

and it's gonna whatever does anyone else feel like there's another tiktok i saw i'm just kind of like coming down of this whole episode but there's another tiktok i saw about how we're so our brains have such a short attention span now so we have no um what's it called no attention span we're like easily bored or like whatever you get it um that it's making or everything is instant right tap tap tap click click click everything all day all day long is fast quick tap tap tap scroll scroll scroll bounce around apps watch tv watch netflix go on your laptop go on your like podcast on your walk on your run you're at the gym you're blast of music you're on your fucking audio book on the drive home like it's all day long just

information going through our brains constantly so in that way our lives feel fast now everything's fast about that and intense he just rang the bell and he just sat by the door he's like I gotta go shit dude I'm not done telling the story so anyways that so that part of our lives is fast but then the real life shit like dating and finding a partner like that area is for a lot of us now and this is like the millennial generation seems extremely slow and we're like becoming impatient because of how like we're very not it's what's the word we don't have the this is all in a tiktok just go watch it on tiktok you've probably already fucking seen it dude this is why again i i repeated this a couple days ago i'm like this is why tiktok works tiktok

works because it's video and you get it you'll watch the video there's captions someone's telling you in a quick concise way and you get the message and you get the fuck off to the you get the fuck off to the next TikTok. You keep, you keep scrolling. Okay. When Jacqueline gets on the mic and tries to describe it, it does, it just doesn't send, it doesn't work because it's not video. And I'm trying to remember something at 8 56 PM that I saw like two days ago. Fuck. So basically we we've we've we are our patience is is dwindling for we we feel like we need to be in a hurry this is what it is the tiktok said something like we need to we feel like we should be in a hurry to

find someone date someone marry someone because we feel like to to match the pace of our digital world that's fast so we have anxiety about it we have this worry about it we i'm just saying like this was a, you know, general thing about people like millennials and shit. That kind of made sense. I'm like, yeah, I do kind of feel a sense of I'm wasting time with a digital, in a digital life that I could be, that I, if this didn't all exist, if I wasn't on clubhouse for eight hours a day 12 hours a day 18 hours a fucking day but if i wasn't on instagram for you know i'm down to like an hour 30 i'm proud of that an hour 30 a day i would be investing more time into real life shit right but then it's like well this is where i work

this is where i get paid everything i do is it has to be on like i don't have an i mean i do have a choice I could go work somewhere where I'm out and about in person with people and whatever but it's like my life is online and I just feel like it's just not it doesn't feel real I've told you I've had this I've spiraled about it in the past I think I have the episode is titled the fake online world I think I titled that how like like people are just avatars and I never meet them and yet they're like my fucking like, these are people I'm working with. And I, I don't even, I've never met them in real life. And it's like, I think of them as real people, but it's, it's just a mindfuck. Everything

on the, on the internet is just, it's a mindfuck. I have these impressions of people and these perceptions of people that are just a perception. I don't even know them, but it's something I'm basing off of what they were posting. And people have that same impression of me. and it just feels weird it's like everything is like airy and spacey and digital and like it doesn't translate into real life like today I was sitting down with my two neighbors they were both like middle-aged 50 60 ish and I'm like they don't give a fuck they're like retired they don't give a fuck about anything I'm doing all day they're not they don't give a shit about clubhouse or like building a brand or whatever

and they're just like smelling the flowers watching the sunset you know and they never got caught up at this age with what i'm caught up in right now with what you're caught up in right now social media and just this lifestyle of phone addiction it's just it's a fucking lifestyle you know and sometimes i love it you know i do love my tiktok sessions i do but um it's just something to think about like I always wonder and you can't shift your life timeline but I'm like what would I be like okay wait how did what did I think about the other like the other year like I haven't thought about this in like a couple years about

what I would be like at this age but in 96 why do I think that or like if I I don't know I'm not going to go down that tangent all right guys that's I it made sense two years ago clearly I couldn't remember it tonight um last thing I have here uh I think I covered it all oh the unemployment super high right now so the bottom 25% of Americans. So 25%, there's 25% unemployment for the bottom 25% of Americans, which is really fucking bad. Bottom 25. So a quarter of the bottom of the barrel basically were fucked. The bottom has fallen out. They're unemployed. Um, you know, I could talk stocks the uh the fucking dip dash the dip dip the crash crash the crash crash um i don't know

it's just you know if you're in the stock market i feel like just use this time to build your mental fortitude train your brain to not react emotionally and just ride the wave hold on tight you know I'm new to the stock market I got in at the at the fucking COVID crash and I feel like best decision I ever made I was like okay I'm not going to be one of those people that goes through life saying I don't get the stock market I don't understand how it works so I educated myself I got involved and I get I got involved I love saying that I'm involved um but i got into bitcoin before i got into stocks when i think about it i just put that together but um i guess what am i saying yeah i've learned to just you gotta trust the process man

you gotta have a plan you gotta have a lot of shit researched and thought out you can't just be a jackass um you can if you want i mean it's kind of like gambling dude but like when you make money in the stock market once you have that happen you're like oh fuck what you're just like when it when you have that like early morning like secure your profits and you're like cheers in your fucking baileys or whatever you're like it's like i need to i need to toast get the champagne at 6 30 in the morning i need to toast someone you're like oh so like what the fuck why haven't I been doing this my whole life and also why isn't everyone doing this and also um money isn't real this is like playing a video game

I'm literally just like tapping like to make x amount of money I just made I literally tapped my phone to make like I just tap some buttons on an app a few times like buy hold my stocks sell he really has to shit he's he's going around like a bunny rabbit I know we'll go did you just eat dinner yeah he did he's got a shit okay so anyways um guys happy Tuesday hope you had a great day um guys you have a great Tuesday god damn it I said god damn it too much my mom would be pissed she will be pissed if she listens to the episode she's like when i say gd but uh damn um hope you had a great day and hit that subscribe button i'll be here tomorrow i'm here seven days a week and head over to patreon.com slash tjms jimmy do not hey i'm coming i'm coming

let me get i'll get the leash hey come here patreon.com slash tjms to get access to my exclusive content. Here you go. Yep. Exclusive content. You get a shout out every Friday. You get phone calls with me. You get extra videos and pictures on patreon.com. Go check it out. Love you guys. Talk to you tomorrow. Have a great day. Bye.