The Jacqueline Monroe Show - 173- Why Am I Like This

Episode Date: February 25, 2021

Happy Wednesday!! :) Patreon.com/TJMS ROBMON: https://open.spotify.com/artist/2d4jPCnnODLVsSNOWJorAy?si=0yxA6iagSAW0uOfIudovGw&nd=1 https://soundcloud.com/robmonmusic

What's up, guys? Happy Wednesday. It's episode 173. Welcome back to the show. hey guys what's up it's jacqueline welcome back to the show happy Wednesday happy hump day hit that subscribe hump the subscribe button for me I'm here seven days a week this is my audio diary this is my daily mental health practice I can't recommend solo podcasting enough uh it's like therapy with yourself it's great so hit that subscribe button I'm here seven days a week and head over to patreon.com slash tjms to support the show all right guys uh wait why did I just say support the show I should I should elaborate uh you get access to my exclusive content my bonus content you get a shout out

every Friday you get phone calls with me you get exclusive videos and pictures of me and that's it so patreon.com slash tjms go check it out okay I'm feeling really good for this episode because I just did cardio for the first time since I was on my mom's elliptical in the garage the day before I left, um, from Washington to San Diego. Like, holy shit. I just do yoga all the time and I forget what it's like to exert my body. And I feel so clear minded. I feel so alert. I'm entering this episode with no notes, with nothing on the top of my brain to talk about. I can't sit here and say, Hey guys, today we're going to talk about that. I have no clue. All I know is I feel I just feel good and oh my guys do cardio I'm telling myself that Jacqueline you need

to do more cardio basically I just took Jimmy out on a long walk and we ran he gets this spurt of energy at night right so I take him out but there's a hill every time we go on this hill he loves running up it and it's like it's tough it's not an easy hill to run up and uh I think we did that five or six times and I just feel great. So anyways, um, real quick, uh, I hope you guys are doing great. I hope your week's going well so far. I guess today I'll just kind of go through a few, um, just like life updates and some, some stuff I got up to on clubhouse today. And, uh, anyways, I had to just like move him, dude, just don't chew. See, you know what? I understand this tastes nice. This plastic lever tastes nice, but this is an Amazon chair. It was $200. It was

$100. It was $120. I don't want bite marks in it. Hey dude, it's the, you know, the lever on like office chairs that lifts it up and down. He's, he thinks that's a chew toy. There you go. So he's not exhausted. I tried to exhaust him tonight on the run and he's just wound the fuck up anyways. okay so yeah life updates let's get into it I have like a I have a topic about the information age uh or a I'll do a segment about the information age and some thoughts on it after I do like today's update but here we go um Wednesday work day I drank a lot of coffee I sat on clubhouse all day I was on stage at one point um what else this is my life now you know I feel like there's so many people it's just like I get in a room

and then I get out so I'll go in a room and listen and I'll get out of it and it's like eight hours later the same people are up there I'm like are these robots like how do these people have this much time to kill just chit-chatting you know it's it's crazy how much time people spend on clubhouse and um I have some thoughts about it too just like how like when i zoom out of everything i'm like this is all bullshit that's just my brain i look at everything us humans do and like work and and building businesses and all this shit and it's just like it doesn't even matter it's all bullshit at the end of the day we're all gonna die and i feel like we're just playing with a rubik's cube with social media and networking

and connecting with people and talking and chit-chatting and we get like uh this dopamine hit when we say these you know awesome things about gratitude and you know telling your story and being authentic and you know no one wants to be sold so you can't sell to people anymore and like all these like phrases that they use on clubhouse it sounds so sexy and it's like motivating and we're just all like oh my god we're going places with our business we're gonna do this thing oh my gosh like this is such an amazing group of people thank you for being like everything is just like kiss and ass left and right and of course it's all positive it's all good um I think when you do have a light one life you should build a business and do something with it I think it's

great but I just get in my head sometimes I'm like it's just boring as fuck sorry uh I just get bored really quickly. And like today here, I'll just tell you what happened on, um, when I was on stage today, I'm sitting around and I'm actively listening to my fellow stage members, my fellow, um, performers, just like how it's called a stage. I feel like clubhouse. It's like I used the last time I was on stage, I was in eighth grade and I was doing backflips and shit. Uh, I was called a candy cane dancer, and it was in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the play at my local theater, and at another, well, you know, was I on stage another time? Actually, yeah, I had to give a speech once to a bunch of international, what are they called, international teachers, professors,

and students, yeah, anyways, that was in, like, 2016, so yeah, I haven't been on stage in a while, I was just trying to tell that story, like, hey, you know, I've been, I've done public speaking before I can talk in front of a group in a professional setting that was for my job actually it was really fun you guys know I was an international program coordinator out of college that was my first big girl job big professional job so anyways I'm in the room I'm on stage excuse me and I'm listening to a lot of overthinking about podcasting over complicating about podcasting like uh like perfectionism you know one one woman was like yeah I'm just afraid if I hire an editor then I won't have the creative control because I usually

when I edit it takes me hours and I have so many interviews ready to go but it there I have to edit them all and it takes me hours to do it and then if I don't like something I said I will re-record that section then I insert it and blah and she was going into like her process and I'm sitting there as a fellow podcast host who does it every day and just fucking presses record doesn't edit anything and then uploads it I'm going what why are you editing this what are you talking about you re-record stuff you say that you don't like I'm like so confused um so there's that um and I get it you know some people are more choosy with their words and they want to sound more eloquent and they don't, whatever. They're not maybe in the, I guess I put myself in the

comedy category on the iTunes or the Apple podcast app. I chose that because I feel like I get a pass. I'm like, I don't have to be, this is not a business podcast. I don't have to sound professional. I just, just, I just press record and I hope for the best. So yeah, there's a lot of that. And then of course, uh, there's other stuff like, uh, just what was like another question like getting on the radio to get your podcast noticed or something I don't know random stuff but um let me just say what I told the audience they called on me for advice they're like and I'm sitting there going the first thing out of my mouth is I'm like look I'm a newbie okay I know I've done a podcast every day for about 200 days now I said about 200 days I think

that sounded kind of nice. Or I said like 170, whatever. And I said, I still consider myself a newbie. But I guess my advice to everyone was don't overthink it. Just start. And then I told everyone that I don't niche down. I don't play by the rules. I don't listen to anyone's advice about podcasting I do my own thing and I treat it like a phone call pick up the phone talk to myself for an hour hang up I don't over I just do it and then I post it and so I think that helped like I got a DM from someone that was like because I also said I I noticed how on YouTube people love watching, uh, or YouTube audiences love basic human daily life shit. They like watching someone make their coffee and get their day going and work from home and like, whatever, like they

love seeing the behind the scenes of some someone's life. So I said to the audience on clubhouse today, I was like, I basically do an audio vlog. Like I, I kind of copied that, or I took inspiration from YouTube and turned it into a podcast. So I got feedback on some DMs about that. People are like, that's such a great idea, but I don't know. I don't really think it's, is it being done? Yeah. I guess there's more. Podcasting is a lot of interviewing, a lot of guests on their, on people's shows, a lot of fun conversations between multiple people, but the whole like sit on your own show every day, a daily podcast, like a daily vlogger, I don't see much of it and I've I'm not saying I'm unique or special I'm just because I'm not

but I think it's a cool little experiment I'm doing because I find that there's a lot of uh my engagement's crazy like I have some diehard listeners who like I will get a message hey where's the episode it's like 11 p.m and I haven't uploaded yet they're like where is it you know and they'll fucking listen to it at midnight so it's it's fabulous I love I love this daily thing but anyways it's a learning experience when you're on clubhouse you're listening to other people discuss their process and um you know what they do and I honestly don't learn shit sorry I don't learn shit I'm going wait a minute I'm like everything you're teaching me here is something that doesn't even apply to me because of how I

go about my podcast I'm like this is not my it's like I just do it different I just I just I'm a one-take Johnny that's what my mom always said she's like yeah I was a good reporter because I was a one-take Johnny my mom was on the news back in the day she's like yeah I was a one-take Johnny they you know all right ready action reporting live from the side of a freeway there's a car crash the Jody Dean and she like tell the fucking camera what's up and then one take she's done so she was good at that and so I took my you know I'm inspired my mom got me uh she got me started in life and it got a lot of gratitude for her not to bring up gratitude and fluffy words but I am very grateful for my mom and um her support and just like

just watching her be confident as a woman with her voice my whole life has been I think that's made this my like this process um what the fuck am i sorry i'm like it's made my process easier but no it's easy you know when you grow up with a boss bitch mom who always had a man's job she was always like the top dog in her fucking field bossing people around wearing the suits in the in those big meetings doing shit when I had that as a uh as my role model as like a what a woman is as a child like I think it helped I was all you know and the truth of the matter is I was insecure as fuck my whole life and I've hated myself forever and so there was always that but I think she inspires me because she's so confident in her voice and like she's so smart and so like

um just like good at commanding a room and she's amazing so anyways um I don't know what I got on a weird tangent so that was clubhouse today there's some fun rooms you know it's not all business chatter but um yeah it's kind of fucked up to admit it's like I just I'm at the point now guys like here's the thing here's the thing and this is probably gonna get him to get me fired but you know what I don't know how to be anything else but honest I don't know how to be anything else but uh do you hear the Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer bells Jimmy he likes to see this is sorry I'll uh get back to my uh thought I was going to say about or where I said I was going to get if I I'm probably going to get fired for saying this but

so Jimmy plays with the poop bells I call him when he has to poop for fun but if I scold him for doing that it's like oh he'll have a negative association like the bells will be a negative thing but I need them to be a positive thing because he needs to alert me when he they need to go off when he needs to go outside so I don't know what to do and I feel like I just I just need to remove them from him right now because it's gonna be background noise you guys are gonna hear for like 15 minutes we just went outside dude you're done with the bells okay but yeah okay this is fucked up to admit or whatever it's just my truth and you know it's my opinion I'm not whatever

okay As I've told you guys in the past, I do things now in life that I want to do that excite me, that are fun, that are not super serious and intense and like I just I just want to enjoy my life. right so I find that like the corporate online corporate environment of clubhouse bores the shit out of me to be honest like I don't care about anything these people are talking about it's just like redundant information about like I said like you know I'm sorry it's just like guys you have to understand I've I've had a decade of podcasts in my ear constantly non-stop like fucking you know Tim Ferriss, Lewis Howes, Gary Vee, Ed Milet um what's his face uh Andy Fursella uh Tom Billy Billy you Billy you uh who's like another

business dude uh all all of these thought leaders and business guys like that that tell you like that are basically so all these ideas and thoughts that people are exchanging on clubhouse i'm like and and they're talking about how to build it's all about you know the current times because things have changed it's 2021 like a lot it's good to have these conversations and help each other out now because you can't do marketing like you did in 2012. So I get it. And I'm just sitting back in the room going boring. I don't want to be here. I'm bored. Everyone's kissing each other's ass. I'm bored. This is all like fakey. It's not like it's fake. It's just like not my, it's not my, doesn't, it doesn't make my soul sing. And I do think it's important to have

these rooms and I just guys I just like I like I said I want to do things I want to do I just want to have fun I don't want to take life that seriously and I feel like corporate like the clubhouse is kind of it's just kind of dry and and I I kind of have to be there for my job which is great but I just don't find it very interesting uh there are like like here's the thing there was a room called what was it called it was like the laugh factory I think started it someone that works at the laugh factory it was like a comedy room people talking shit and it was just fun had no one there was building a business they're all entertainers and I'm sitting there like this was last week and I'm like these are my people okay this is where I want to be this is interesting

to me this makes my soul sing so i have this inner uh what's it called internal conflict where i'm like i have this professional side of me and this like entertainer podcast host fucking off the cuff just talk shit person you know here's the thing i'm just repeating what joe rogan says about talking shit like where did i get that phrase where did i get that that those two words talking shit rogan says that all the time and he's another person who's been in my ear for a fucking decade so i feel like i've been conditioned or i've been influenced as fuck from the comedy world i've never talked to you guys about this so let me just be super i'm vulnerable right now and tell my story but all of my favorite podcasters are comedians all my favorite like um podcasters are

comedians and all of my favorite podcasters are like i just fucking love that crew and i've been around it before and i'm like whoa like i i love this and i've never really addressed that with myself before or like told you guys but i don't know i don't know what to do i don't want to be a stand-up comedian I don't want to be a comedian I literally like I don't have that uh I don't have that in my body anywhere that wants to that's like itching to do it but I would rather be in under that umbrella of a career than clicking buttons and Rubik's cubes and fucking doing just boring ass shit. I'm fired. But here's the thing. There is something rewarding about what I do. And that was a little extreme for

me to say that. I will take that back a little bit. It's not that it's boring because here's the thing I'm willing to crawl before I ball so I'm willing to grind I do like the challenge of what I do I do like the it's like a personal competition I have with myself every day with my job but um guys is this does anyone okay sorry but does anybody I don't these are my like these are my real thoughts these are my raw thoughts I think it's a risk to fucking say anything like this, but again, I don't, it's just the nature of the show and what I do. This is my diary. This is what I'd write in my diary. So I'm telling you like it is. Okay. I'm whatever. I feel like the thing about my job though, is that like the helping people aspect, the rewarding part of

the fulfillment of like advancing someone else in their career and helping them out feels amazing and I and I love that I'm like who can I help so instead of like just doing the podcast and it's all self-serving and self-indulgent it's all about me and my life like this feels great as a hobby and as a creative outlet and I think I I'm working this out right now let me work this out I feel like I do need for me to feel like I'm contributing to society and I'm but see also that's all about the construct everything's made up but it doesn't matter you know um oh no dude not the not the macbook charger hey not the macbook charger no I got one I don't have a backup um for me to feel like I'm actually contributing

to society and I'm like getting use out of my college degree I got to have a professional position under my belt I gotta be doing that shit and I feel like it's good for my uh it's built I'm building a network I'm growing skill I'm professionally developing professional development professionally developing this is good for my professional development and uh IQ I don't know fuck it so yeah that's kind of the latest of where I'm at in life um I'm 26 I feel like I should be doing this I'm not one of those millennials who's like I don't want to work I just want to do my YouTube channel I just want to do my podcast and it just sounded like I said that but at the at the end of the day what I just worked out is that I think it's good to have a

balance and pull weight into kind of two different avenues of jobs and hobbies and everything and uh, yeah, it's cool. I'm really grateful, honestly, not to bring up gratitude and fluffy. I just, I'm so burnt out of the fucking word gratitude. Gratitude. Here's, you guys want to know something like, this is probably why I'm like this. So again, with all the podcasters I listed up earlier, I've had this, like when people repeat information and I'm going to talk about information age in about five minutes when people repeat information that I've already heard in a podcast from like 2012 and they're like still talking about gratitude journaling and writing in a journal and meditation I'm like Tim Ferriss has fucking talked about this for forever and it

just gets boring to me and I'm like I've heard it this is like obvious this is redundant and I and I think like when I get when I hear people and they might be starting it for the first time they might be coming across this information for the first time they're lit up they're so excited talk about it and let's do our breath work and let's do our cold plunge and i'm like ben greenfield fucking taught me that 10 years ago maybe i'm a lucky maybe i'm the type of person though that was ahead of their times i think i'm ahead of my times with all this human optimization self-improvement bullshit it's not bullshit it's great excuse me all this like education about how to be a great vital person. Um, and he even mentioned like Aubrey Marcus on it,

that whole, his podcast, him, I'm just listening to all the like fucking dude, you know, all like all the, all the, the, you know, you guys know who they are. You know, I was a big fan of Owen Benjamin. I don't think I've confessed that. Yeah. You hate me now. You can totally, you're, if you know who that guy is and you don't like, you either love his shit or you fucking hate his guts. He got banned from Twitter, shut down. Um, he kind of got extreme towards the end with what he was talking about, but yeah, I used to listen to that guy. So anyways, um, what was I saying? Yeah, but I kind of just get, this is guys, this might be kind of, I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and maybe think about your interpretation of what

I'm saying or your perspective of how I'm just kind of brushing off these people and their interests about business and gratitude and all this shit. I just, it might come across like I'm arrogant and I'm better than, and I'm, um, you know, just like ahead of my time. Like I said, it's just, but I just don't make shit a big deal. Like people make it a big deal and they get like, I don't know. It's kind of like, I don't want to, I just, I don't give a fuck. Like people are, I get bored. I don't guys I'm, I'm fucked up. Let me just admit that right now i am a i'm a fucked up person like i genuinely am i a narcissist is this all narcissism i'm in a clubhouse room i'm like i'm bored i don't care about these conversations this is all not fun for

me but then again i mentioned like there's other groups and other um like types of people to talk to like i mentioned the laugh factory i forget what the room was called improv night something like that. Yeah. But then it's like in that room I'm, I'm living, I'm having the best time. So I think that's all it is. I'm just not finding my people and I'm, yeah. Okay. So anyways, um, and by the way, so much respect for all these people. I just kind of said we're boring because, uh, they have fucking done it. They have made their billions, built their businesses. and I haven't I'm not I'm one to talk like sitting here talking shit I'm like dude well you know what they're rolling in dough and they're fucking happy and they're doing fine

and they're you know it's I just feel like you guys this is another thing I question a lot how program how programmed we all are you know what I mean how we're like the whole system and how we put through a fucking factory farm as kids in school and we you know are sold the college thing and then we do that and then we work a job that you know that whole cliche thing about the school system and just the structure of i guess education or just society and how people are you know we go to the grocery store we go to the post office and we have a 401k and it's all like this thing to I don't know like because here all this 2020 exposed a lot I got sucked into a lot of rabbit holes about uh the higher powers pulling strings you know

the fucking what are they called the elites what are they called what do they call them you know and you think about shit like that I'm like what the fuck am I worrying about anything for it's all bullshit then I look at the media and I'm like even more bullshit everything's kind of just turning into bullshit in my brain and in my eyes and what I observe and I'm like I don't care I just want to have fun I just want to enjoy life I just want to laugh and be entertained and just like play with my puppy and like cook awesome food and go on cool trips and jump in the ocean and everything else is just noise and it's just boring I'm really just saying everything tonight so uh let me get into the

something I saw I came across on the internet about how this is the next topic about the information age it's very interesting to me because I'd say what is it 2021 maybe like what 15 years yeah I'd say like 15 20 years you've been in the information age where well maybe how what do they consider the information age? Let me just Google it. I'm curious. Timeline. 1981. It is considered as the first true mobile computer. Oh, the Osborne one. First mobile computer. Okay. Since the 80s. Whatever. Since we've been able to Google shit and figure everything out instantaneously I just consider that the information age but um so basically this person

on the internet I think it was on a tiktok they were explaining how like the new age so we've just been in the information age like the new age is gonna be the curation era the era of like curating the content curating the information and so I don't really remember the gist of what he said but I thought about it and in my brain I interpret that as like as I've told you guys about listening to podcasts and getting all this information for the last decade like since I got out of I just back it up till I was since I was 18 because I got Instagram at 18 I had a I had apps okay an iPhone I had apps I had social media had Facebook everything was uh you know it was online and my life I became an avatar of myself

and I started connecting with people through the internet and I got tinder then and I you know so I put myself back so 20 was that 2012 2012 ish so anyways for the last like decade I've consumed all this content all this information I've seen it all read it all heard it all, looked at all the same, like, it's just becoming redundant, and it's becoming, I keep saying that, this is kind of getting, I'm being redundant in this episode, okay, you know what, I like how I started out this episode, like, I have all this energy, I did cardio, I feel great, I feel light, and fresh, and ready to do a podcast off the cuff, I have no notes, and I just feel like it's getting into it's turning into a rant and I'm being I'm repeating myself

so okay so now that I've consumed all that info the next decade for me because we're we're not going away from digital we're not going away from having an online uh avatar persona online uh you know my content you know my podcast everything's online podcast podcast um so I think now it's all about being selective about what you're consuming and curating your online experience so I guess because I've been in this washing machine of information for so long and I feel like my attention span is completely gone I'm maxed out of listening to all this over it's just the boring ass bullshit about the same stuff about everything's the same every influencer is telling me about the same five products every eyeshadow color has been made

every skincare product has been made I've been told about every kind of jean uh fit of jeans and every kind of top and like where to buy the best clothes and how to build a business and how to meditate and how to exercise and how to eat this diet or that diet. So I've taken it all in and I've turned into this like overstimulated piece of shit of a human being who can't take anything seriously anymore. but I I feel like I have a quality personality compared to some boring ass motherfuckers on sorry compared to dry people around me a lot of the times that I encounter uh sorry you know what it's their journey it's it works for them I just personally uh I rock to a different beat and

that's fine but so that happened I'm addicted to my phone there's that too so now it's like okay for me to have a quality life experience in the next decade I gotta and this this thought I'm about to that I'm working out is inspired by that video I saw about the curation era the next phase of like internet life is about curating so in order for me to feel like to get back to some sort of sanity and normalcy with I don't know life and everything I got to be really selective about what I'm consuming when I'm consuming it I want to really think about it write it out who am I following what do I want to learn what do I need to work on like who can help me what people can I help like who should I be connecting with and really think about it instead

of blindly following people and then I'm just tapping like do you guys ever I'll just like follow 10 new people and other stories will show up on my thing and I usually mute people immediately like I just have a I used to be good at that where I'd keep a certain amount of stories at one time but I just find myself now I'm just like randomly tapping I'm just tapping through shit I'm not even really there like mentally I'm not even like paying attention and it's like guys why are we watching your own stories like I watch my own story for no fucking reason I do it for it's honestly probably for it's it's a good thing like I it's like oh that was a cute picture of my dog or oh that was a funny meme or whatever like who gives a fuck I think we all do it who gives

a fuck but it's just like all this time wasting bouncing around so moving forward I think I want to list out I want to write out who really adds value to my life that I already follow and like what areas of my life do I need to seek out um like who what information do I seek need to seek out to help the areas of my life that are kind of weak you know like what am I missing with the internet and and um you know like I told you guys I started investing in 2020 during the the crash and I I feel like a great example of this is how you can there are endless people teaching you how to like buy and sell stocks on the internet and on YouTube and all these different chat rooms you can get in there's so many people doing it it's like what I learned

because it's something that involved it was like I treated it I took it seriously because I'm like this has to do with my money that's it's it's kind of like gambling like I don't want to fuck this up so I literally have there are three people that I religiously listen to get advice from uh go back to time after time after time just for stocks versus like influencers or uh thought leaders entrepreneurs business people where I have endless options on on Instagram or whatever and I'm not being selective I'm just like hearing all this random stuff from all these people it's kind of all the same so I think I need to take it more seriously and and be selective and curate who I'm following who I'm paying attention to be really specific and indecisive

about it because like I want to have like all my stories because guys this is the thing it's a fucking lifestyle I go on Instagram I watch stories it's just like it's like a part of my routine I'm like I just want to see people that add value and elevate like that inspire me and teach me something and are good for me and they anyways you guys get it I would recommend that maybe the same for you maybe this is a new idea I'm planting in your head um I just like I did with my life I actually the new year or kind of in 2020 kind of towards the time when I started the podcast I wrote down like five like I'm looking right now one two three four five yeah there is a list I have a whiteboard of five things that are like the pillars of my life

the things that matter to me five things or like the things that like okay Jacqueline Monroe and then five bullet points under her boom boom boom boom boom that's it and I got really decisive I realized that my issue was I was uh you know I wasn't picking anything in life I had all these interests I wasn't picking anything so it's crazy how it's crazy how I'm why is this such a you know here I am bitching about clubhouse and how dry and boring and all these like corporatey stiff fuzzy fucking fuzzy funky fucking boring ass god what am I saying I feel like I'm doing it now I'm like I'm in a sound I'm just doing it too you know what I want to talk I'm a hypocrite uh shit okay whatever you know what hey I'm trying something I'm just trying something new on this

episode I don't know I'm kind of working out my like this is like the life update of kind of where I'm at with my career my job my interests and my like the lane I want to go into with um podcasting and the people I want to surround myself with I kind of covered that and then now I'm going into uh content information and curating it so that I can have a sane digital experience instead of a chaotic one where I'm just mindlessly looking around all the time and I have no uh it's there's no intention behind it because I've kind of I just I'm following too many people I'm not I'm just not being mindful with my consumption and I feel like shit like not that's so dramatic like I'm like I feel good I just did cardio but I also feel like shit

I just feel like I'm wasting it's when I say I feel like shit it's like I'm wasting hours of my life like watching people I don't even know personally and I don't really get that like I'm not really in like their content looks like everyone else's why am I here on their profile why I'm on their story you know I haven't really thought about that so uh yeah anyways dude this fucking sad is this should I just go off the grid I just fucking go off the grid do van life you know that's not my aesthetic I would never do that um I do want to go on a like a road trip with someone but I don't want to just like convert to a van as a as my home never um I think it's awesome if you do that I think that's great but just personally I need I need a shower

then I need a fucking couch and a big ass TV. I do an RV. I do a fucking RV. I'm saying fuck a lot. I just feel like it's coming out, whatever. Um, back to the five bullet points under me, that whole thing. I feel like after i wrote those down i kind of got this spurt of energy inside of me about those five things like oh bitch i'm committing those are it i'm not changing my mind i need to see these five things through for me to feel like i'm uh fulfilled and i'm i'm actually moving forward in life and I'm actually becoming who I'm meant to be because if I don't commit to these five things like these five pillars of who I am a hundred percent and give it my all

I'm just gonna wash away in my 20s and not really ever do anything and I'm just gonna like float around it's spiraling and I don't really have I'm not I'm not grounded in anything and so you know it's been a few months since I put it on paper and I feel like one thing I wanted to tell you guys today is that you know when I was 18 you know new to social media fresh into college fresh out of high school right into college and you know uh looking forward to my 20s and like what I would get up I had like a vision of my 20s a little bit. I didn't really know what I wanted to do.

But I can actually say that, and it really hit me today. I don't know why. It just kind of feels right to say this. I feel like I am, I am, I'm me, bitch. no um I'm doing exactly what I like this is me I'm doing what I should be doing I'm in alignment with like everything everything is like oh this is what I like everything feels right how do I put this into words like there's no wavering here there's no questions I don't feel lost because I've spent a lot of time in my 20s feeling lost and unsure of what to do

where now I'm like oh it's clear as day and I feel like I can finally say that like oh I'm so I feel like I'm defined now I'm who I I'm a fucking 26 year old with a daily podcast works in PR as well and I love my life like it's legit and I got a puppy I feel like the puppy's helping me um that's changed my life I'm uh all my relationships are good all of my my health is really good right now I've been taking good care of my health um been drinking a shit ton of water actually that's been an increase you know what I just started putting ice in my water like you guys know I have a fetish about ice in my coffee it's like a thing I have I just fucking love ice ice coffee is is great right but I I it's like I drink the

coffee to eat the ice or I want the ice I want the coffee also but like I want the ice I eat the ice uh I'm not low iron I just like ice um my molars are probably fucked but I like ice whatever but yeah, I've been drinking water. I've been, uh, yeah, everything's good. But do you guys ever think about that? Like you see, here's why I'm saying it. I observe people. I'm a, I don't know why I feel like it's a middle child thing. I'm an observer and I've seen, I've like watched people around me become who they're going to, who they're going to be. Like they're like, how do I say this? Or if you look at, if you look at your favorite entertainers, you look at your Post Malones of the world, your Justin Bieber's, your Lil Uzi Verts, your fucking, I don't know who else,

Jack Harlow's, your Lady Gaga's, your Miley Cyrus's. It's like, they're defined as fuck. It's like, they're in it. They're a musician. They're a singer. They're a rapper. They're an entertainer. They're, they're, they are them. They are doing their thing. That's what they're gonna do that is it bitch and it's like I finally feel like that for myself like I'm not to include myself in that group of people like I'm uh oh I'm but I'm the podcast host I know you're the rapper I know you're the singer I'm the but I'm the podcast host I'm in the club it's kind of like that though it's kind of like that I'm just feeling like I finally got my shit together I got my fucking hobby. And it's like, I'm defining, I'm like chipping away the fluff and the excess

of my life. And I'm whittling it down to like the core of who I am and what I'm going to do. And I don't know, it just feels right. Not like, it's not like, oh, I need to be defined. I need labels. I need to have a thing, but I kind of think for my brain, I do. At some point, I think this is probably a Tim Dillon thing yet, but I was, why did I say it's probably, I knew it was before I even said it. He said on a podcast, like at some point in your 20s, you got to pick something. You just got to pick something. And that hit me hard as a rock. I was like, oh that's kind of true and I think people that finally do that thing they finally pick something they're happy and they feel like okay I finally have something to work towards and go after

instead of and just there are no other options there are no backups this is the thing I decided on. You have to like my brain. I don't know what it is. I admire this in my, I have a sibling who's like this, who has a goal. She sets her mind to doing something and she fucking does it a hundred percent. There's no wavering. I've always admired that quality. And I feel like something happened when I started the podcast and I, I, I just got this fixation or this obsession in my brain about doing it every day that I, and I just stuck to it. And I felt like I can't fuck this up. I can't break this promise to myself. I can't be a loser and fucking say, I'm going to do it every day. And I show up once a week. The fuck? So yeah, anyways, I swore so much on this episode.

I hope you find that whatever it is for you um I didn't dream to be a podcast host I didn't dream to do this at all um I think I think I always wanted to be somebody I don't really know like what that meant I never defined it but I always thought like oh well my name's kind of cool it should be there should be like a billboard or some shit with it on like some lights on it my name you know it's like it's like a very it's kind of Hollywood I should move to LA I should go become an actress and fucking that's all bullshit no what I'm saying is like I just had this I think a lot of people feel it. I think a lot of, I think, I don't know if it's everyone, but you're, you're brought up

with, you know, these young Disney channel stars who are doing all this cool Hollywood shit. And they're, you're on YouTube and you're watching all these creators do cool shit and they're well known. And you have access to all these people, all these other people's lives doing big things and people know their names and you're kind of like, oh, that looks fun. And then I never took it seriously. Like, oh, maybe I could, I don't know. And this is such a contradiction to what I've said before about like, like, I don't want to, I don't care about building my, like, I don't want to do any marketing. I don't want to promote this shit. And that's the truth. Like, I think there's something inside my brain that's like, okay, if it happens, it'll happen. I'll be grateful

for whatever happens with the podcast. I want it to grow organically. I want to put the reps in. I want to learn every day and get better at this for as long as it takes to grow an audience. Like I don't, I don't want to push any, I don't want to push the gas pedal on right now. I just want to keep going. And I don't really know how I'm going to help people though. Like how I'm gonna and you might be wondering Jacqueline what's your why what's your why let me think about my why I mean I've said it before like I know what it's like to be in a dark hole be in depression um being a be sad be alone and you feel lost you feel like you're just life sucks i know what that's

like and so i guess my why is like i want to be a light in other people's lives and be that person in their ear who they can go and listen to and just like for comfort and for a friend and for uh someone who can relate to them and maybe make them laugh or or say something say something that they are inspired by or whatever because that's what i always turned to when i was depressed and shit i like i used to go in college i would it'd be like 11 30 p.m. I remember this I go put on a podcast and walk all over campus it'd be like freezing cold out I'd have a big snow coat on like a fluffy coat and I just like walk out of my apartment and go walk I'd walk like three or four miles and just zone out to a podcast

because I I was really I had really bad depression in college so I guess that's my why and then like selfishly for myself I think my why um just like for personal benefit would be I want to know I want to I want to fucking know who I am I want to know myself well I want to be um I want to love myself better I want to just yeah like define who I am and just like figure my shit out that's what I do on this on this every day and I think it's a very unique it's unique to me but I think it's a unique way to soul search because I'm spending you know lately I feel like I'm at least an hour I'm at least an hour doing this and it's like a lot of time with yourself talking it out and

hearing your voice hearing your soul speak I always say that I'm like listening to my soul speak I'm saying my truths I'm saying my opinions I'm getting everything out of my brain and I think I'm accelerating my personal growth and and like finding who I am and just like exploring life and what it means to me and what I want to do and how I see the world like I'm accelerating this process and I really like that I'm doing it right now because it's um I think it's an important time to document I mean there's a interesting combination of events happening in the world so I think this is a really cool time I think it's an important time for me to uh, put my two cents in and, you know, put myself out there, contribute to the conversation of

COVID and, and current affairs of politics and the power takeover of fucking everything getting shut down and all this bullshit and, um, black lives matter stuff and the fucking, like all this any anyways so yeah I just I don't know and I'm trying to think how I it's crazy how I don't think I would be I would have never been comfortable doing this I would have never been secure enough to share everything like I'm doing every day here about a year ago and I think if COVID taught me anything if isolation and and you know I was living alone I like moved to a new apartment in last March and then everything got shut down I lost my job and I literally just like so I was like in prison in a prison cell I was like by

myself all the time I didn't I don't really have a lot of friends I don't really have a lot a lot of things going on socially and so I just spent the time to find myself and I think COVID taught me that if you're like go out like COVID taught me that it's a bunch of bullshit uh fucking I just think nothing I was worried about matters none of those insecurities insecurities I've had about myself matter nobody cares nobody's thinking about them but me no one's putting me under a microscope and analyzing me going oh my god I can't believe she said this oh my god I can't believe she has that opinion like look I'm not for everybody I'm not for everybody I don't want gonna be for everybody that's not what I'm here to do I'm not here to please everyone say the

right things and I feel like that was the biggest like breakthrough I had last year I just said fuck it I'm gonna stop playing small I'm gonna stop dumb I'm gonna stop I'm gonna stop dumbing myself down and I'm going to speak my mind, say it like it is and fucking podcast because I love podcasting. I like, I love this. I like watching them. I love listening to them. I'm obsessed with it. There should be like a podcast union, podcasters. There should be like, like a fucking how do I see it like uh by the way there's uh I learned today in clubhouse during a fucking I'm swearing so much on this episode sorry and during a very boring dry conversation no I'm kidding um I don't know maybe I should have just I should just drink a bunch of

coffee and like get a notebook notebook notebook out and feel and like use highlighters and colored colored uh different colored pens and take notes to like feel like really excited and inspired by these clubhouse conversations maybe if i like set this scene better instead of just sitting back listening like on the couch like what the fuck i wouldn't be so bored i need to be like i need to be like participating being i need to be active whatever but anyways today i learned that uh There's 37 million YouTube channels and only 1.7 million podcasts, which is a super big discrepancy difference or whatever. I thought, oh, am I an early adopter? Am I new at this?

Is this like, I don't know. I feel like podcasts have been around forever. in fact they used to be so I remember going on iTunes and they were a lot of them were just like I watched this sketch comedy uh duo called Bratz and Bretta and you I'd go to the podcast section of iTunes and then it was a video like they did sketch videos like you see on Instagram now but it was on iTunes and you'd like click it it looked like a song and then you click it and it turns into a video. I don't know how to explain it, but yeah. And that was in like 2008 ish. Was I in eighth grade? Yeah. I don't know. So I feel like they've been around forever,

but it's crazy that there's only, there's like less than 2 million compared to YouTube. And then anyways, but what am I thinking about? Cause like I told you, I told you guys at the very beginning of this podcasting journey, I was like, I want to create. So you know how YouTubers are all about their like studios and it's like this aesthetic thing with their cool backgrounds and I guess you or podcasters do this too on YouTube it's like they have a whole set and a setup but maybe like I just want to create like a maybe a solo podcast what do I fucking call it I don't know I just want to make it more of a thing like I'm trying to figure out like what cool aesthetic or like

like, normalize, what am I saying, I just want to, like, fuck, you know how people, I'm, like, what's normal that I can compare this to, um, you know how people tie their shoelaces and put on their shoes every morning, it's, like, yeah I just want like talking to yourself on a microphone to be just like that just like brushing your teeth you know oh there's nothing weird about this there this is just a normal thing everyone does I don't know I think it would cure people's mental health if it became like a normal practice but then it's like you don't necessarily need to share it with everyone and turn it into a show but if I could I I've never really said this or thought about it but

if maybe am I starting a movement called talk to yourself and help like but here's the thing Jacqueline most people have friends most people have uh family and people to talk to and so that's how they that's how they get help but if you don't have that I feel like there's a lot of people who don't have that option and they're depressed and they're down maybe I'm the influencer who's like talk to yourself maybe that's what I can do maybe that's a movement that's maybe that's a social justice movement I start and like don't think it's weird don't think it's you're crazy don't think because it's I think it's 10 times more therapeutic and and beneficial to your mental health to say it out loud and to get used to doing that all the time like I literally do it every day

this is like nothing to me at this point so at first it's it's weird right you might be at home in your your apartment you might be talking to yourself and you might feel like oh this is weird I've never heard myself like when you first talk to yourself you're sitting going this feels crazy I feel this isn't normal but after you do it for a while you you really start to feel good you really start to feel like, wow, I love myself. I'm close to myself. I'm like saying what's in my head all jumbled and making me anxious and depressed. I'm saying all that stuff out loud and I'm getting it out of my head. I think that's what the issue is in society right now. A lot of people sit, because I used to do it, you sit and you spiral in your head all day.

you think think think think think so coach yourself get it out and then state the facts like that's what I used to do I would go before I did the podcast I told you guys I had a few um you know uh like random times sessions what am I saying a few moments in my life where I would like, uh, talk in the shower to myself, talk in the car to myself. And what I do is I state the hard facts. Like this is, this is what happened. This is what I'm currently facing. This is what I'm struggling with. Say the facts like that is what is going on. And then I would go, okay, here's what I'm going to do to alleviate that, fix that, work on that, whatever it is. And like, explain how I'm going to cope with it um how I'm gonna like make it my bitch whatever it is like

instead of just letting it like swarm me and take me over I would face it and I'd talk it out like that and it would set me up for maybe the next day I'd wake up and I go okay I just I thought this through I worked it out in my head and then I talked it out and I feel good I feel like okay it's it's in it's out there it's in the universe now because there's a quote I think it's Gandhi here we go or Rumi oh come on sorry your thoughts fuck sorry um I'm really tripping right now you guys probably hear every Google image. Wait, I don't want to buy a poster. Yeah, Gandhi. Here we go. Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become

your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny. And that was Gandhi. Now listen, this is where I think people get stuck. So the part here, the third line is your words become your actions. Or no, no, excuse me. Line number two, your thoughts become your words. So I'm taking that kind of literally here, doing a podcast every day. I'm like getting my thoughts out, make, turning them into my words, because your thoughts, like you're, you live with yourself. You're by yourself all the time. You're in your own head no one else is there with you it doesn't matter if you're around a ton of people it's at the end at the end of the day it's you and only you it's all you've got so I'm gonna

like relate this quote to you like your thoughts in your head about yourself your thoughts about your life your current situation with your relationships your job all that stuff if you're not well corgan is quote like those become your words i feel like you personally could benefit from turning all those thoughts into words and saying it out loud this fucking sounds crazy i feel i sound like a preacher i remember like this one person i followed an influencer was like talk to yourself in the mirror look in your eyes and talk to yourself in the mirror. I'm like, absolutely not. But maybe, maybe start a podcast and then you'll, you'll feel more sane about it. But I'm saying it might be helpful. I feel like if you're not

making them your words, if you're not getting it out, whether it's with a therapist or a family member or a friend, um, you can't take action towards like the next line is your words become your actions if those words aren't coming out and they're going you're going from thoughts to actions that's how my brain is seeing this if your thoughts are going to actions without words being said I feel like that's the issue with your filtration system you have to I feel like you fucking have to say it I feel like that helps the, that's the best process. And again, I'm talking from experience where I'm talking, I'm saying I talk to myself, that's what works for me. But I think if you've

got thoughts in your head, dark thoughts, you know, negative thoughts that are making you depressed and anxious, whatever, and you're not talking it out, I guess this is the obvious fucking advice now. Everyone's got mental health issues. Talk to a friend, call a friend, check on your friends, go to therapy everyone's talking about therapy therapy therapy therapy therapy like talk to someone talk to someone talk to someone same shit but it's so true and if you just it's it's so like that's honestly probably why i'm so hooked on this is because i get the i'm in full fucking control here okay i don't have to listen to someone else because here's the thing put yourself in a situation

where you've told someone your problems and they sit there and try to fix you they don't really listen they're trying to give you advice and you're sitting there going I just want someone to listen to me I just want someone to be just fucking there for me to listen and and be a sponge I don't I just want their presence because I need to I need to talk this out and I don't want to be should it I don't want to be told like you should do this you should do that and so that's why I find so many benefits from being alone doing it because it's the same thing I don't think I could carry like no one wants to fucking sit down with me for two hours alone or fucking excuse me alone it's like to put someone through what I'm doing now and that's wild like if you're out there and

you're genuinely interested and being silent for an hour an hour and a half two hours like I'm doing podcasting here just to listen to me as a sponge and just someone I could release all of my thoughts on like holy fuck uh slide in my dm submit a resume let's let's do it hit me up I'm talking a potential partner in life like I'd like to know who you are hit me up um because like anyways what I'm saying is when you do it this way when you sit and talk to yourself I just want I'm on a tangent literally about talking yourself for a fucking 30 minutes here but there's no feedback. There's no, no, no one bouncing off ideas or anything. And sometimes that's nice. Cause it's more like a, it's like you're taking out the trash. You're taking out

the trash in your brain versus, um, going to someone for advice. Like if you, like, I don't know. Surround yourself with people who will, what's the fucking quote? I'm not doing that right now guys I'm really not I'm kind of embarrassed by that or not embarrassed it's not something to be embarrassed about I'm just not taking action on that like getting myself around a bunch of quality people that are miles above me like I always want to punch up 10 levels when I make friends with people and shit like I just want people to be better than me like I don't know I just how I've always I've always wanted that and I've never really well I've had it in the past can't say I've never had it but um yeah I think that would help me out a lot

because I'm already I feel like I'm at that launch pad place in life where I've done so much of the the mental work I've gone to the mental gym now every fucking day for 170 days so like I'm putting in the mental work being consistent at it I'm not breaking this chain I feel like I'm like who I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Like I said before, and now it's like, okay, when I interact with people, when I go out into the world, when I make those quality friends and relationships with people, I feel like it's going to be so good. I'm going to be such a better, um, person to be around because of what

I'm doing and because of all this work I've put in. And so that's cool. But I think, yeah, moving forward. I'm excited to, um, I'm excited to connect. I'm excited to connect. Let's connect, connect, connect. Christ. Okay. So am I out of water? You guys get it. Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits your habits become your values your values become your destiny that was Gandhi quote of the day all right you guys we did it all today this was kind of a serious episode or kind of a uh it was because I was clear-minded for my cardio session my fucking puppy run I did outside all the hill sprints we did I feel like it set my mind you know I cleared my mind for

this kind of thinking or whatever I feel like it was my brain was like primed or it did like a workout before it literally did so it this got kind of deep it got kind of weird but I don't know it's my diary guys this is like it's what it is uh know yourself Lil Wayne right know yourself Drake know yourself Drake know yourself dude is Drake in uh or Drake and kim is that a thing let me just google drake and kim drake and kim i was listening to the uh flagrant podcast andrew schultz's podcast and they were talking about how uh kanye like erased like kim marrying kanye like helped really like erase her passed with like the whole sex tape thing and her like that like mess or not what was it what

they say just like that whole era of kim got erased and she got with kanye like helped like level her up and and whatever they kind of were going into it and then now there's then they are saying now drake is like an even more it's like if if drake and kim are together and that's a thing and she goes that way then it's even more of an upgrade because drake is obviously like one of the greats of all greatest of all time like i feel like people consider kanye like that but at least they were saying like oh well drake is sane drake is like actually respected because and he's sane i don't know anyways um but yeah what happened with drake and kanye and no what did kim this is all like oh this is literally all 2018 there's nothing recent about

this oh there's really nothing it's just all about the divorce all right i don't know what guys i'm off topic i'm off i'm just i'm continuing um was that an earthquake dude i won't i don't know i just want there to be a natural disaster so bad i need to hunker down and i need to i need to i need to get my my fight or flight chemicals have not been released in a while you know i was thinking i should go to cryotherapy that would help i need to i need to be in flight or fight or flight more often it helps build your immune system your uh norepinephrine and your epinephrine chemicals release during fight or flight and that's great for fighting inflammation i used to work at a cryotherapy clinic by the way

and yeah i had to do the whole spiel um but yeah i was thinking i could do cryotherapy again i just need a cold plunge or something i don't know ben greenfield what should i do what's the latest trend um is everyone still eating liver and like i don't know deep breathing i'm deep breathing a lot you know that's the thing about yoga like it's so good if you've got anxiety and depression stuff like it's so good for um it's so good for that because of the deep breathing i mean every obviously any exercise is good but all right guys i'm just trailing off oh my back kind of hurts because I sat funny this episode love you guys a lot I hope you're doing well um I hope your family's healthy and I hope they're all good uh pray for tiger tiger pray for tiger woods

may he may his soul fucking doing guys this is a train wreck I'm like I hope your family's all all right also the please pray for Tiger Woods. And yeah, I hope you enjoyed this episode. I will be here tomorrow. So please hit that subscribe button if you haven't already and go over to the Apple podcast app, write me a review if you want. That helps people find out about the show. I think I've got like 18 reviews when I last checked. It's not bad. Not bad. Not great. Not bad. I don't know. What's great who cares like I'm not I'm not really like I think after year so once year two starts you guys are gonna watch me be like a fucking psychopath about plugging my podcast trying hard

marketing going on other podcasts and during and doing interviews getting guests on my show it's gonna be a whole thing but like year one I'm like you know if you want leave a review I still got the training wheels on training wheels come off year two year one it's all try it's like uh trial and error trial and error trial and error um so yeah and then head over to patreon.com slash tjms to support the show get access to my exclusive content uh you'll get a shout out on friday this week if you subscribe today subscribe today subscribe now patreon.com slash tjms um a top tier patrons get phone numbers and phone calls and then they get exclusive videos and pics all right it's like an only fans but maybe it is maybe it's not you don't know what kind of

content it is until you subscribe check it out patreon.com slash tjms all right guys have a great wednesday and i will talk to you tomorrow bye