The Jacqueline Monroe Show - 189- I Got A Massage

Episode Date: March 14, 2021

Happy Friday!! :) Patreon.com/TJMS 

What's up, guys? Happy Friday. It's episode 189. Welcome back to the show. okay guys i'm still getting set up for this episode right now um i gotta pick up my mom from the airport in like 30 minutes so uh well I need to leave in 30 minutes so this has this has to be short and sweet today hi um I'm eating sorry I know that's annoying to hear someone eat on audio it's like unless you like ASMR and I don't understand that um I'm eating like the last snack in my house because I didn't buy groceries this week because my mom's going to Costco with me anyways the last snack I'm eating is I ate some uh dried cranberries they're really good They're like full-size cranberries. Um, they're not like those raisins. They're like a

grape size. Okay. You know, why am I describing cranberries at the beginning of the episode? Hi guys. Sorry. I'm not prepped. I have to update you guys on my massage yesterday. Um, and what I did today and just kind of like make this short and sweet, but, um, I'm having a great Friday. Currently a FedEx truck and an Amazon truck, um, at the same time, at the same time parked outside. And I wonder if there's like, um, what's it called? Like beef between the drivers, you know, or like they have some sort of like, uh, vibe they give off to each other. That's like, I don't like you. I don't know. I just assume that. I don't know. It's like truck drivers being truck drivers. Guys, I am so unprepared today. What am I even saying?

I'm literally picking a zit on my arm. What happened in the last 30 seconds? Dude, I got a mop full of dog hair in my sink right now because I panic cleaned because my mom's coming over. What else is happening? In three seconds, I'm going to collect my thoughts and start this episode officially. Hey guys, it's Jacqueline. Welcome back to the show. Thanks for being here. Happy Friday. Hit that subscribe button. I'm here seven days a week. And head over to patreon.com slash TJMS to support the show. I'm doing shout outs every Friday. So stick around for your patron at the end of this episode for your shout out. I do patron phone calls, bonus content, extra videos and pictures on Patreon. And you guys are my favorites over on patreon.com slash TJMS. Go

check it out. All right. So I let you guys know yesterday I went to get a massage. I did yoga after recording last night and then I, for an hour, and then I did a 90 minute massage. Like when I say I feel like a newborn baby again or whatever, like I feel so good. I needed it really bad. And, um, it was kind of a hole in the wall place, highly reviewed on Yelp. So I was like, okay, this has got to be the shit. And it was, I, I haven't had a massage in like over like a year and a half. I think this is the last time I went. Yeah. And that was like a 30 minute, you know, back massage. Nothing like, you know, like I did yesterday. So, um, I was like, okay, I know they're doing a body scrub too. So I guess I have to get naked. And that was like not expected. I

didn't understand how much I was going to be touched um I didn't know how much she let me just say this this old woman was amazing I her name was I shouldn't say their names whatever she's amazing great with her hands and um I think she had a little too much fun scrubbing my ass or like I mean it was like a lot of butt touching that I wasn't because here's the thing it's you I think most people, like if you're, if you get a massage regularly, you know, they do the oils, the stones, a full body massage. I mean, I think it's just what you just get, you get naked and they cover your butt and they cover you. It's not like they're touching you inappropriately. It's not that kind of thing. But, um, I guess because I'm not used to it, I was like, whoa,

I didn't realize like the butt cheeks are getting scrubbed and oiled up and massaged. I didn't expect that. And I was, I didn't even have a thong. I was going to wear a thong. I was like, Oh, you know, didn't have that on. And she was very careful to like, keep me covered up in her special way, but it was a great massage overall. I'm going to go back. Um, I took Jimmy with me and I was freaked out. I was like, I don't know if I can leave him for that long. And they were so nice. The, the ladies there were like, we love dogs. People bring their dogs all the time. Just like, we'll, we'll babysit him while you get your massage. And he ended up going on a walk with her and he was so happy when I got out. And, um, yeah, so I had a great, that was like a needed

thing. Um, I think, uh, I think I, if I, I should make, I should make a massage appointment once a month or something. Cause goddamn, I feel like a new woman, but what else could I tell you about the massage um uh I'm squeamish like when they touch your thigh above the knee do you guys remember doing that to your siblings or okay you know that spot it's like your it's your thigh right above the knee if you grab someone else's thigh right there abruptly it makes you so it like tickles I can't explain it or like you you like kick forward with your foot and so whenever she went to that spot I was gritting my teeth I was like oh my god I couldn't it was really tough to like get through but um yeah when we were kids we'd all like we'd be sitting in my dad's truck

going to school and we'd be sitting across like three of us across I think it was illegal illegal bitch get your words right today come on it's Friday you had a whole week of talking get it right illegal pretty sure when the cops came we one of us ducked down and um i don't know if i is that you know what it was so far in the past the 90s were like 30 years ago whatever but um i'm not that old but yeah we would fuck with each other and squeeze each other's knees when we weren't when they weren't looking when we weren't looking and then yeah my dad would call it he'd be like quit playing grab ass quit playing grab ass you little bastards but it was like bastards was a funny thing it wasn't like he was actually calling us bastards he would we it was like a

it was joking jokingly uh fucking okay again i just started this kind of on a whim because i'm rushing and um ah so i should drink water those cranberries are kind of dry if you want to know what specific ones to buy they're called patience fruit and co organic whole crap cranberries sweetened with apple juice whole and juicy yeah they're plump they're very plump i would describe them as not a raisin vibe they're like a big bitch um size of like your thumb at the tip or okay well um moving on I think that's enough about the massage that happened last night um guys I failed failed again I failed two days in a row going to bed at 10 30 my massage was

kind of late it was at was it like 7 30 yes it went kind of late and I was starving because like I didn't eat I did a tough yoga workout showered shaved I like did my I scrubbed my own body before the massage. I was like, I'll get myself really good. And then she'll go the extra mile and like get me even better. So from, you know, the shower or the yoga, the, the shower, the hour and a half massage turnaround, it was like a two hour thing. I was so hungry. So I ended up eating kind of late and, um, you know, I fed Jimmy late and then we were up till like midnight. So you guys know, I want to get to bed at 10 30. That's my new mission. And it failed last night, two days in around but um it's kind of my own fault because yes I was on TikTok um till it was like 12 30

my Apple watch said I went to bed yeah okay so then today I woke up I mean what's fun to tell you I don't want to tell you guys like I drank coffee and walked my dog I say that every day I mean this Amazon driver is wedging himself on the sidewalk like he owns this place excuse me sir he's like half of his van is on the sidewalk and half of it isn't i i don't care i mean live your life and thank you for your service like it's kind of like that they're like the mill i mean they are on the front fucking lines for our country right now it's it is kind of like that with amazon um i'm repeating myself like thank you for your service jesus christ not the same jacqueline those cannot be compared

you cannot think you cannot compare a man delivering a package to a man fucking shooting up a compound in iraq iraq iraq iraq it's not the same bitch it's life and death it's uh okay jesus but yeah shout out to amazon workers because you know i love getting packages that quickly and efficiently and it's just amazing so but also i should shop local and shop small and i just it's not the life i live it's just not so whatever okay what where was I at massage woke up this morning anything interesting to tell you oh I was listening to beautiful music this morning that I tell you that I was listening to beautiful music I was in the mood to just like listen to usher um let it burn

i can't sing so let it burn burn usher um what other beautiful songs is it oh shit it was so good can i listen to my history can i go to my history yeah i was listening to throwbacks r&b pretty songs um i got when i got what i got i don't miss what i had there's some great slow country beautiful songs too so i listen to that um too anyways i don't know what to tell you i like did my makeup and listen to music instead of sitting there on clubhouse listening to fucking whatever or watching a youtube video so that's what i did this morning i took a meeting at 10 um had a meeting and then panic cleaned all day and i have really bad bo because i forgot to put on deodorant and I've been cleaning all day. It's just a terrible combo. And then now I need to

podcast and like, literally I need to end recording and go shower and pick up my mom at the airport and within the next hour. So, um, I know you guys are like, Jacqueline, shut the fuck, like get your, get your shit together. Get a, get a better schedule. You committed to doing it seven days a week, schedule your podcast and better. Well, maybe I could tell you about cleaning, how I do it. Do you guys want to know, do you want to know specifics about my cleaning style? I always start with my dishes because I like to get my hands warm and I was freezing this morning in my apartment. So I start with dishes and then I do surfaces like the countertops, tables, my ottoman, I like wax it or I put leather. It's like fucking saddle cleaner. I don't even

know where I got it it's for saddles like horse saddles put that all over my leather ottoman let that soak soak and rub it around do all of my like dressers and side tables like all those all the surfaces surfaces get done first I do floors last because I'm I find that I'm walking around and I'm you know it's just the floors go last and then and also because if you do them first they're all wet or whatever they have to dry kind of so what else did I do I do surfaces then I did my bathroom shower which is my least favorite thing to clean because of my tiles are so tiny and it the grout there are so much there are so much grout to clean and I've made it like in the past like when I do it really well I will clean my shower tiles for one hour straight and it's just that kind of thing

they look really nice it's worth it like my shower it looks great however the cleaning process is hell and I should get a power tool or something with more muscle than me so I should get a robot there should be a robot I can't wait for that just like a cute little cleaning your shower it just does it it just notices it's dirty you don't even you don't have to tell it or program it it just notices it oh the police car on the freeway why does the police car turn into a pace car some certain times of the day do you guys notice this in san diego or on the freeway where you live highway freeway i call it the freeway um they turn into a pace car all of a sudden and they are they kind of drive slow and they have their lights on and they're

making noise their buttons are all clicked I don't know everything is on like they're pulling someone over but they're not and then a ton of cars and they're bobbing and weaving they're like zigzagging in the freeway and a ton of cars are behind them and is that because of crashes to like slow people down before the crash if it's like up the way I don't know but yeah that's happening currently I'm just staring out the window um I only open my window all the way when I have guests coming which I should do more often because it's really nice but I'm a woman and I live alone and I get paranoid so my blinds are almost always shut like well you know speaking of that I saw a really sad thing that happened to the UK um you guys might know about this

I guess a girl was walking home and she got murdered let me find a post about it um there's a viral post of her text or someone texting her like I think it says text me when you get home yeah so the post today that's going around is it says text me when you get home it's a whatsapp message and the girl who died her name was Sarah I want to say her last name right Everard Everard sarah everard and so the post is um it says like you know women and like this is something like all women have done we've all shared our live locations we have all changed our shoes we have all held our keys between our fingers we have all made phone calls both real and fake we have all tucked our hair inside our coats we have all ran ran down dark roads we have all theorized our

escape routes but so insidious is that these things don't even feel like special safety tools they're literally just ingrained behaviors and actions we've had to pick up since we were little girls because in quotes that's just the way it is so a lot of people are making there there's like a ton of conversation around this and it's like educate your sons a lot of people are like the you need to start start them young we got an issue in society and you gotta raise them right man stop following women home and murdering them like that's literally what happened i'm pretty sure i don't see i should know i shouldn't say this off the top of my head when i'm um assuming happened but i know the girl is no longer alive and that

is so fucking sad sarah everard let me type it in yeah it's like a top news thing oh a british police officer has been charged with murder and missing women's kidnapping and killing just in 30 minutes ago london a british police officer was charged late friday in the kidnapping and killing of whoa she was 30 so sarah everard was 33 was a 33 year old marketing executive last seen at 9 30 p.m on march 3rd walking home from a friend's house house in south london her disappearance sparked a national outcry in britain and over the harassment of harassment and abusive women. That's crazy because I, when I was studying abroad in London, like the biggest thing I noticed as like a, I guess a woman in the city alone, like I would walk alone all the time.

And I was like, I've never felt more safe in a city. London feels so safe. There's like no homeless people. It's not like big cities and over here where there's just like, it's, there's rough spots, like really bad rough spots. It's not like that. I mean, I'd say over down in kind of, yeah, like South London kind of had some, like the nightclubby area kind of got, there's some sketchy, like where the Gucci stores are, that kind of felt sketchy sometimes, that area, for whatever reason. But anyways, long story short, I don't want to fucking, no I'm not making this about me but it's wild how um I think this shook a lot of people over there a lot of women because they would agree like yeah it's fucking safe as a woman like you

walk around and it's most most most of the time like 99.99% of the time it's a really safe place to walk around and in comparison to other cities that's what I'm saying but I guess now a police officer was just charged for the kidnapping and killing. Wow. Wow. Anyway, so that's currently going on. They're going around social media today. I thought I'd touch on it because it's really sad. And I think it's true. Like women have like the key thing. Like you better believe my keys are in a fucking uh shank position in my knuckles when I walk into my in the car garage to my car and I should have pepper spray I should have it I should I should I should be packing okay I'm gonna get concealed carry I'm gonna get that license I'm gonna fucking do it it's gonna

be pink it's gonna be cute it's gonna be my back it's gonna be on my belt I'm gonna be packing that's gonna be my new lifestyle because you know what can't trust these bitches out there and it's a scary world but I should have some sort of um weapon you know I have a puppy like my dog isn't I mean he's useless right now but maybe someday I can train him to bite on command he's like a German shepherd but just like 10 times not 10 times less aggressive right yeah yeah okay he doesn't even know like that's what's wild about golden retrievers I feel like um well I can't say this because our two puppies they were about one or two years old would cage fight in their kennel like it got aggressive like they were actually fighting fighting it wasn't

playful so I have seen it with golden retrievers before but for the most part it's like they don't get mad like I don't like they don't switch over to that like angry crazy mode I mean it's like even our old gold retriever buddy he would just like bark at cars and strangers but in like the most like weak way it wasn't a scary thing at all but anyways um yeah what else have i done i mean walk again i feel like i shouldn't talk about myself but um i think women we've all done it we've um i guess like yeah the tucking your hair or changing your shoes yeah like there's no fucking way I'm walking in heel zone uh I've even mentioned before like how I had that guy approach me that freaked me out and so I said that night I put on like my biggest scariest

looking outfit and I walk like a dude I literally walk like I have a dick between my legs like that's how I walk at night and I look like a fucking like I almost look um it's like a crip walk what's that called gangster lean yeah it's gross it's just it's not cute it's like don't fuck with me that's the kind of energy I put off because you never know and I live in a city and that one guy lives close and I was freaked out so how am I doing on time I'm going to go like five ten more minutes um let's see what else happened dude what's up with beautiful music and just like do you ever just notice how you've been deprived from your oldies for so long and then you play them again and you're just like wow why have i been listening to like top charts

rap and like a little oozy vert for like and shit like why do i listen to these new songs that are fun for two minutes and then it's like okay but they it's not really my thing so then i've been um and then i found the song i was looking for yesterday was sweet child of mine that was a song i couldn't remember yesterday was it yesterday the day before sweet it's the beginning guitar part that I love I don't think I can play it but I'm gonna do it anyways oh shit arrest me

bitches okay I'm gonna play like the first note I think you can do that right sweet child of mine I'm talking out of my ass on this episode I'm just kind of like what else can I remember and talk about ah here we go shit can you hear that or no here

there that's it copyright ah love that song she's got eyes and everything done like a bright blue sky it's so good it's kind of a yelly song like yelling um okay a bunch of people just went by on those scooters that's fun I don't know what else to talk about um looking forward to this weekend my mom and I are gonna have a lot of fun we're going out to dinner tonight and she's gonna um her boyfriend like we're all going out together and then this weekend we're gonna go on a little road trip so I'll shit well I'll have interesting stuff to talk about because she's coming and we'll be actually doing things that are not me living my basic bitch work from home millennial life as a girl in her uh 20s so

I gotta shower I gotta clean up honestly my hair's still wet from my shower yesterday that's kind of day I've had I threw it up in a bun it smells so good though I feel like that makes your hair smell good longer that probably doesn't work that way but I don't know dude should I name should I title this episode talking out of my ass is there anything I need to hide before she comes over I always freak out I'm like what am I gonna I got a cigar next to me I got a cigar here um it's kind of like a hand-me-down cigar from an ex-boyfriend that I ended up well sort of boyfriend whatever um it just ended up with me but I'm saving this for a special occasion I think and it's uh probably all dried out and shitty smells really good though

oh yeah Dominican Republic is that illegal or Cuban I used to think as a kid I was like aren't cigars illegal whenever I saw a man with a cigar I thought it was not legal in the United States to smoke for whatever reason I heard that it's like thinking when you're in the car your parents tell you it's illegal to turn the lights on in the car and then later in life you find out that it's actually not, they just get annoyed as fuck when, when you turn on the passenger light, and, you know, I love growing up, you learn a lot, and, yeah, but I'm like, is there anything I need to hide? I don't think so, I've got nothing to hide, mom, I'm kidding, if you're listening, I'm kidding,

it's like, maybe a journal or two, that she, it would be embarrassing if she read, because I've been very I've told you guys about the blue the blue journal is sacred to me and I should just burn it but if anyone reads it it is so fucking it literally tells you like the it's my soul on paper and it's it's just like I would never want someone to read it and yet it's going to be an arm's length away from my mom and she comes in my apartment stays here for three days, so, um, yeah, so I'm just gonna, like, uh, end this podcast, ah, it's kind of a quickie, love that, um, see if my planner says I did anything else that I could report on, um, when I got what I got, I don't miss what I had, the old me's,

um I think that's it okay I literally just like scanned my planner I was like what else that's it have a great weekend I'll be here tomorrow I'll be here Sunday as well crazy I know I'm here seven days a week hit that subscribe button and head over to patreon.com slash tjms to get access to my exclusive content okay and my bonus videos and pictures and to receive a shout out every friday so stay tuned for your shout out if you're a patron and i do phone calls i do i'm going to do virtual hangouts in the future when there's like enough people where it's like i have a fucking crowd and it's not just like a handful you know even though i should do it now anyways i should just pretend like i'm the i've already made

made it to the big leagues and that's just you know i'm i don't know I'm shitting myself, I should do this, I should do that, no, I'm killing it, I love podcasting, I love the fact that I finally know what it's like to find your passion, and I have, it's like sign sealed and delivered, bitch, you now can relate to people that talk about that stuff in life. Like I found my passion. I found my, my, my, found my purpose. I didn't really get it before, but now I get it. When, and when you know, you know, that's all I have to say. I can't tell you how to find your passion. You'll just know when you find it. And mine's podcasting. So love you guys. Love you guys lots. Have a great weekend. Have a great Friday. And I will talk to you

tomorrow bye all right today's patreon.com slash tjms patron shout outs go to ricky jensen thanks ricky trevor garrett thank you trevor eagle one the mystery one thank you awkward pause chris o'hearn oops i skipped ozzy ozzy osborne thank you ozzy thanks also chris i forgot to say thank you thank you rich as well thank you richie rich this is offbeat and bronson bloom thank you all right guys happy friday thanks for your support it means a lot to me glad you're liking the show and i will talk to you tomorrow all right bye