The Jacqueline Monroe Show - 213- Reviewing Hinge Profiles

Episode Date: April 7, 2021

Happy Monday!! :) Patreon.com/TJMS 

Hey guys, happy Monday. It's episode 213. Welcome back to the show. hey what's up it's Jacqueline welcome back to the show hi happy Monday new week here we go dude I okay I gotta be honest right now so I'm going in blind to this episode I'm going in blind literally two seconds ago or two minutes ago I thought because I don't have notes today I have nothing prepared I thought I'm just gonna go in blind on my hinge app my dating app called hinge and um read a bunch of profiles and review profiles and review matches I've had and shit. And just like talk about hinge and dating apps today. I don't know. But, um, the amount of, I am, I'm feeling the brain fog coming on right now because I have

so much ground Turkey in my body and so much protein. And like, I just, I'm trying, I'm trying to up my protein right now. And I just had dinner and I feel like I'm going to pass out. Um, like I'm sitting in my chair and I look pregnant and I can't do whey protein. I realized that it wasn't an isolate so it has it's not um anyways dude whey protein fucks me up i had that earlier and then i had ground turkey it's a monday and i'm i'm starting out the monday i'm starting out monday bloated this sucks let's hey i'm bloated let's review hinge profile let's review like 80 i got the time i could be here all night should i just jump into it uh any you know what no first please hit that subscribe button i'm here seven days a week this is my audio diary uh i talk about

whatever and i get on the microphone every day you get the gist okay and then head over to patreon.com slash tjms if you want to become an official supporter of the show if you financially support me you become an official supporter of the show not a any dude jack would i suck at plugging patreon patreon.com slash tjms is my subscription service it's the only fans for podcasters you get extra content you get fun stuff over there that i don't post anywhere else you'll get a shout out phone calls etc etc check it out patreon.com slash tjms did i say that four times t j m s okay i'm on hinge oh my god dude i am okay here's what here's what here's a terrible combination of events um monday okay wait i already told you i'm bloated because i had

whey protein which i shouldn't have and then i had fucking ground turkey like 10 minutes ago so i'm bloated and i i did yoga so yoga made me feel all skinny and then i i ate and i just feel like it sucks it sucks uh this will all go away in the morning i'll wake up with abs but you know that feeling after i'm just like god damn it and then i have to podcast bad combo but here's another terrible combination um okay this is even a this is not even a combination i have been matching with anyone who likes my profile on hinge and I guess what I'm saying is I'm trying to get my money's worth I mean everyone pays about like 10 bucks a month for it there's premium memberships but like two days ago I'm like

fuck it I'm just gonna see what people say like what their intro message is this is for research and here's the thing about me I won't waste people's time like they'll be kind of mind they'll me mind fucked that they match with me and then send me a message and I don't respond like oh I thought she wanted to match with me but I won't lead them on I won't like give them a little message back you know like some I don't know I just honestly I don't even use dating apps to meet people or like I don't take it I literally just it's research and it's research it's interesting it's fun it's like and that's why I'm like careful about wasting people's time like I won't message people and give them that small talk that's not going to go anywhere and get

them on a date with me. So anyways, um, I got like a two minute scroll on my fucking matches list here. I mean, that means when I put my thumb on it and I scroll, we could be going for two minutes. That's when my fucking people like, like me. Okay. It's hard out here for a hoe. Jacqueline, delete the episode. Oh, Enrique liked your photo. Let's match. Okay. Let's just start with Enrique. I have no plans. Let's just start with his profile. I think, you know, I have 80, I think the percentage is 81% males. It's going down a little bit. That's how many, that's my, what's it called? My gender split. It's like 85-15 female male on average and so this is going to be great for uh god damn alan just liked me match oh he's

wearing a bow tie um so this might help the boys out there and here's the thing a little disclaimer i am not an expert on dating relationships i'm currently single i'm dating but i'm single if that makes i'm not locking down right now with anybody and i'm not this is not color daddy this is not what other oh fuck Enrique just asked me if I'm real god damn it this is intrusive I'm trying to explain I do a disclaimer right now I am this is not my brand talking about dating talking about boys really it's not okay um this is just fun for me like I said it's honestly these dating apps are entertainment it's research it's fun and as I said before I don't I could fuck around with Enrique on the episode though. I could, I could respond back and I could update

you guys while I'm podcasting, but I would feel really bad because I don't want to go on a date with Enrique. I'm not feeling this. Let me read his profile. Jesus, Jacqueline cut to the chase. You got, do you guys want to know my, let me just tell you my profile first. So you guys get a gist of what they're looking at. First thing you see when you go on my hinge profile is, oh, this is so cringy. I hate dating apps I hate even talking about like the pictures I post on them and like it's just fucking weird and I don't know especially if people know me and they see my profile I'm like oh I don't want them to see that but I'm just at this point I guess 2020 did this to me I'm just like fuck it with

everything and I'm just letting it fly like dude make fun of me judge me whatever you want to do I'm on a dating app and you think that's weird then cool whatever um ah shit okay so first picture is do you know what I mean though like I see my friends on here all the time and I'm like instant swipe left or whatever I'm like I just I don't know it's such a it makes me feel uncomfortable or like embarrassment for them and we're friends but I just feel I don't know we're all trying to fucking we're all trying to get married and um have a family someday and I understand and that is that is really close to home with me and I have a lot of um uh empathy or sympathy for people that are uh okay Jacqueline have I read a single thing on a profile yet

am I getting another message god damn it okay holy shit so I was gonna pass out from all the ground turkey in my tummy but it sounds like it's giving me energy and I just have water on on deck tonight I don't have anything fun I could have done it I could have done a drunk hinge review should I open a bottle of wine I just dribbled all over the microphone Jesus okay my picture the first one you see is me picking up Jimmy he's like trying to get in the fridge and I'm like holding him and I'm smiling it's just like hey you know I have a puppy he's cute shit. Here's me. Uh, I'm wearing sweatpants and I've gotten a lot of comments. I should just read

the, the, like the, what are they? The, the comments on the pictures I post, like the people, I get a common one about my sweatpants that I'm not tying the drawstring tight enough because they're literally, my ass is like halfway out because I'm wearing a leotard. Okay. So that's my first picture. And then the caption is caught in the act. Like he's, and then I also get this picture, a lot of people go, oh, are you putting him in the fridge? Are you putting your puppy in the fridge? Jesus. Okay. And then the next thing is my response or like my little blurb I can write in. And I, the first thing you read about me is my most controversial opinion is Donald Trump is so sexy

period that's the first thing you read about me my most controversial opinion Donald Trump is so sexy and there's like one two three four five O's on that bitch okay next picture this is the one where they're

like you got an OnlyFans you got an OnlyFans or they they're asked if I have an OnlyFans or they ask uh is this a air purifier advertisement because there's a fucking air purifier in the background of my pictures I'm in my bedroom and there's an air purifier in my bedroom every night because I give a fuck about purifying my air because of um I live in a city and there's you know planes flying around and shit and dusty ass crusty ass homeless people and cars and shit everywhere and exhaust pipes constantly going. And I'm just like, look, I will not allow that in my lungs as I sleep. So I'm

going to, I hooked up a Levoit air purifier. It's actually a HEPA air filter. It's the same one they put on a fucking airplane. Why am I swearing so much tonight? Next picture is me, uh, selfing in a mirror and I'm sitting on the ground on a furry rug. That's white. I'm in shorts and a white t-shirt um wearing pearls this is the caption this is literally my bedroom and I wrote most exotic place I've been and in that picture okay next I feel like you guys wanted to hear the reviews from the on the guys profiles and I'm just talking about mine but I feel like you need you need context you guys need to like understand what the guys are seeing and why they're responding why they're liking my profile and all this shit's on my Instagram like none of these pictures are

exclusively on hinge. Jesus. Okay. Um, for height, I put five, six, I put my location and then yes for drinking, no for smoking. Uh, okay. You get to see like where I'm from Washington, my university, Washington state, you see that. And then next photo is me bending over in a pink dress and I'm wearing glasses and then the caption I put for it is it's on my Instagram just go find me in a pink dress I think it's the only picture of me in a pink dress and I captioned it these are by the way I'm not picking these captions on hinge everything is a prompt okay so you can choose the photo that goes with this prompt and the prompt is guess the backstory of this photo okay and a common response for for this picture is

uh people think I'm like a sexy secretary in a fucking porno and they always go there because of the glasses and then I'm bending over and I'm just like you know it's a casual pose and honestly this was to celebrate I think it was my 100th episode I took a picture at my mom it's literally at the dining room my family just ate Easter dinner at last night I'm bending that's where this picture is taken and how dare anyone not understand that I'm just look I'm in my Sunday's best at my mom's house this was back in December not to quote Taylor Swift is that a Taylor Swift song back to December back to the sun I don't I don't know okay uh so yeah that's the next picture and then this one's kind of cringy but it gets the people talking man and

the prompt is what if I told you that and I filled in I podcast seven days a week okay you know it's a this is the only dude it's the only differentiating so I'm a blonde blue-eyed chick on the internet the only thing that makes me different from any other hoe out there is the fact I have a podcast seven days a week let's be honest okay I'm a I don't like to consider myself I don't even, I hate labels and shit, but I understand that on paper or just to the eye, I might look like a basic bitch, but there's depth there. There's a, there's a brain there. And I got to, I got to, I got to flex a little bit. I got to flex and say, Hey, look, I know I don't look, I don't know. I, and I also have like a job, like I have a normal job. That's

also in my bio. Okay. Working PR. And then that whole description's there. I also have a podcast some of these weeks. So this is like getting the guy's wheels turning. Like, okay, she's got some shit happening in her life she's got this sounds like a hobby or a side side hustle fuck anyway anyways next picture is me and hold me holding jimmy and i've declared this the cutest picture of him that i've ever taken because of his eyes and his look he's looking directly into the camera which is crazy because i'm holding him and we're i'm standing in the mirror, fuck, I'm not standing in the mirror, I'm in a fun house, what's that thing I wrote in my notebook about fun houses, oh my god, this is such a, okay, I have to find it right

now, because I was looking through my old, I know I was talking about this next hinge picture on my profile, but I got something to mind, fuck you guys, about mirrors, I'm gonna find it, I'm gonna find it, I'm gonna find it, I'm gonna find, can you hear my notebook, this is my like the first 50 episodes i wrote this oh come on jacqueline you can find it oh wait how many moms used you as a bad example for their kids i wrote that what episode is this 28 oh jesus that's a turkey man no no that was probably the whey protein i don't burp from okay, I really want to find it, it has to do with mirrors, and it's a, it's a mind, it's a trip to

even think about this, oh my gosh, this is the intermission, everybody, I know baseball season's back on, or it's, baseball season is back in action, everyone, seventh inning stretch, let's go, god damn it, this is because I wasn't prepped, and I had an intrusive thought about a fun house and mirrors. And then I think I'm too far in the notebook. Oh yeah. I think I'm too far in the notebook. Wait, come on, bitch. Okay. Wait. Do dogs like us because they know we have bones under our skin? Oh my God. That's not what I was looking for. What about this one? Smelling something is just breathing normally. Smelling something is just breathing normally. You're just thinking about it more this is my previous episodes episode 28 it's full of some random takes

like that or whatever random thoughts I really wish I could find it oh oh here we go what would a room of mirrors look like if there was nothing in the room to create a reflection also how far up do bald people wash their face this is from episode 13 i wrote oh my god i wrote episode 13 dash i'm a teenager now like the episode was in the teens for the first time i'm a teenager now yeah what would a mirror a room full of mirrors look like like imagine a box but it's a imagine a room that's square full of mirrors what would it look like oh my god I don't like that I don't like that what my toes like I'm so uncomfortable by that thought like anytime I

get anxious and uncomfortable my toes do that curl I curl they curl under they're in full fucking candy cane mode that's what they look like right now I've got little elf feet but they're the opposite of an elf foot they're like the other way you know what I'm looking into sailboat right now sailing off to the sunset because I moved my table now I can see that I now I have an ocean view didn't know that for an entire year move my table move my podcast desk look at the and I looked out the window and I noticed okay oh I have an ocean view okay that's how that's how locked into my screens I am and how addicted to social media I am like I apparently don't look up out of the horizon enough to even realize that I got an ocean I got an ocean view

but anyways I'm looking at the sailboat right now and I'm like look those are normal people on that boat they're not why am I like this like they're out there probably just talking you know drinking wine having bread and cheese and shit chilling in the sunset on their boat being normal and then literally up the road out here in the city a bitch there's a girl in a microphone reading hinge profiles and she's off topic as fuck. But you know what? The picture I was trying to get back to this all had to do with the mirror and Jimmy looking in the mirror is I'm holding my phone, taking a mirror selfie with Jimmy in my arms. Like I'm holding him like a baby and he knew what he was doing. Okay. Like he looked into the camera. Um, what's it called? The lens,

like on the iPhone through the mirror. So it looks like he's looking us in the eyes. Okay. He could have looked anywhere else, but he's looking directly into the camera lens on my iPhone through the mirror. And like, that is why this is the cutest picture of him. It's because he's because the eye contact is perfect. He's kind of resting his arm up on my shoulder. Like he's holding onto me. It's so cute. So that's my next, next pick. And the prompt I chose for it, for it is, uh, uh, woke up like this. I thought that might be cute. I geek out. My next thing is I geek out on and I just wrote JRE. Okay. This is an interesting one because so this, again, this I'm reviewing men's hinge profiles just turned into, I'm reviewing my own and I'm

analyzing my own profile and I don't even fucking use it. Like literally, I think I have like, there's like one person I actually, so I like matched with them on Tinder and I matched with them on hinge. And like, I've never, I haven't talked to, I literally haven't talked to anyone else but him like I don't use this ever I just now I have all these new matches just for fun okay so this is interesting so that I wrote I geek out on JRE and I get a lot of oh do you mind explaining me what explaining to me what that is and that's an instant red flag that's an instant like okay if you don't if you don't even I can't I don't understand how you don't understand that in 2021 you don't know what jre stands for it's joe rogan experience the joe

rogan experience excuse me i'm slurring my speeches because i'm fucking drunk on tryptophan right now isn't that what's in turkey god damn it i am i literally okay i like just ate ground turkey there's no vegetables in my body there are no side dishes in my body to go with it I think that's why I feel fucked up because I literally I just put ground turkey in a bowl like a dog like ew but you know what it's a hot girl summer I'm trying to I'm trying to get you know stay well high protein low carb it's my dietary or it's usually how I feel the most energized and like I always do that anyways but like now I'm really consciously trying hard because it's like summer but I should have like put it in a

solid I don't know Jesus so JRE people are like oh can you explain explain to me what that is and then I'm like okay that's kind of a turnoff to be honest because like I listen to Joe Rogan every fucking day of my life and I wrote I geek out on Joe Rogan JRE and there's also something floating around and I've seen this a lot on TikTok there's so I'm on dating and relationships TikTok right now just because i'm trying to brush up on like the like the current like language and lingo being shared about like how to date in 2021 like after covid and shit like people are and it's a lot of like millennials and gen z will mostly like i don't know whatever but i um sometimes i'll come across videos and this is a this is like a trend where girls will say like instant red flag if he

listens to joe if he listens to joe rogan at all like instant red flag like run away and then all the comments are like yeah yeah yeah that means he's just um they have all these explanations of like why that's bad i'm like are you fuck am i the only woman i know that's like a i feel like that's a polarizing thing to say but i'm like i don't understand that i'm one of the boys then bitch i'm always listening to it i love that show i love those conversations i fucking can't wait from the whenever there's like a new dope person on there like I just watched um I'm gonna fuck up her last name Laura Bites Beats Bites or Beats and I was like oh my gosh she's amazing it's like someone I discovered because of his because of his podcast and so breathe bitch breathe okay so

So that's my next thing. And then I geek out on JRE. You get it. Next one is, or I have two pictures. Caption is felt cute. Might delete later. Cause I'm like trying to be fun and flirty and cute. You know what I mean? Like, ah, just trying to be like cute. Um, I don't take myself too seriously, clearly, but like, especially my hinge profile. Like, it's kind of like, I'm joking about the felt cute might delete later thing because like that's a cliche Instagram caption and I thought I'm gonna just play into that basic bitch thing where I'm literally just trying to look hot in a picture and that's my caption and so I have two pictures where I'm like smiling and then I don't know uh I guess I should tell you which pictures they are one of them I

have my arms over my head and I'm smiling wearing a hat see a Seattle Marin Seattle Mariners hat and the other one is me with my hair in a messy bun and I'm wearing glasses and I'm wearing like a lace top so there you go that's my hinge profile let's go back to Enrique um I'm just gonna answer him no I should I should read his profile first because he asked me if I'm real god damn it then they meet me and they're like god this fucking catfish that's why I don't like I just I honestly post pictures like I purposely put ones that look exactly like how I'll look because you see like you know I give them angles I give them vibes I don't know I'm like here's my dog and here's me just chilling on the floor in my

bedroom like this is like real life shit okay okay here's his bio he's 43 I put my age oh my god I'm fucked up for doing this my age range is 18 to 65 and um the amount of like 19 year old boys that I've matched with is so fucked up I'm not even gonna lie about that like I I'll go through their profiles in fact I noticed I noticed something about the younger because guys like I said this is experimental this is entertainment this is fun for me I'm not leading these guys on I'm not really responding I'm not at all I will not respond to Enrique but it's just fascinating to read profiles and what people say about themselves and what they're looking at what they're looking for it's good to know it's just it's like an it's an app we go on our phones for

entertainment Jesus so I'll get to the young boys this guy's 43 let me just read some of his have some of his responses the one thing i'd love to know about you is do you love the course to bodak bodak yellow so little bitch you don't fuck me if you wanted to wait that was such a throwback to 2016 at uh like post football games like going out and fucking getting blacked out and shit holy like that was our song at Mike's which got shut down at Washington University it was like how does it go I can't even put on the music I can't even play it because it's a copyright say little bitch you don't fuck with me if you wanted to these is red bottoms these is bloody shoes or something like

that it's so disgusting the lyrics in that song are so disgusting and I'm a changed woman now like you guys know my opinions about like Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion scissoring on stage and how I think it's this is just not good like these kinds of musicians and artists and rappers like especially the female ones like I'm not into it anymore um that is a great song like the thing is is like okay the songs like I can bump to the songs in the club but like I don't also I also just don't stand for the message and the sexual nature of the way they go about their um performances okay so oh we asked do you know the course to bodak yellow not really you just heard me fumble there um next thing he wrote is and i want to like this is a bad example i want to like roast

people's profiles i want to like say oh this doesn't work for me i want to i want to help you guys out so you guys don't write these types of things in there um oh here's shit okay I'm weirdly attracted to brains dark humor blonde hair blue or green eyes okay so you could have either or and a gnarly attitude do I haven't oh my god I've never thought of me how like I kind of have a gnarly attitude we know like that's like a negative thing like a girl that's sassy and like she like pouts around has little hissy fits I don't ever fucking do that my since we're talking about dating relationships like I have an insecurity because I podcast and I this is energy like I said again entertainment

everything I do here is I think a heightened I I'm what's the word it's like a heightened version of me or I'm pushing myself a little bit like with the with the the personality and just like how I come across I don't know just it's just the nature of being on the on I'm I'm on it's like I'm on stage right so I'm trying to keep people like you know everyone like I want to keep your attention. I want, so I, I say crazy, crazy shit, some shit sometimes, but like, it's, I'm quite honestly the opposite of this in a relationship. Like I'm not, not the opposite, but I'm so relaxed and calm and like quiet. And I just want to like sit and listen to you. I don't know. I just, I like, I'm, I like a calm, I'm a calming presence when I'm in a relationship, but like

I'm alone popping off with myself because I can't. Okay. This is just, I don't know. I can't describe this, but if, does that make sense to anyone? Like, I'm not, I don't talk to you like this. I'm not like, Hey, how was your day at work? Like, Oh my gosh, what'd you do? I'm not like this energy 24 seven. Okay. I can be, I'm mostly like, so anyways, I'm also not back to the thing that the guy said about having a gnarly attitude. Like you're not gonna, I'm not gonna like pout and and put on a little hissy fit and scream at you and like cat claw you and shit like i don't do that whenever i've ever whenever i've been in an argument with a guy it's usually just like uh i'm quiet and i usually need some space and i don't just like yell at you you know what

so whatever um let's just do a different profile i'm bored of enrique to be honest wasn't it let me just find that young kid oh jesus um i think he surfs he was like 22 he said he sent me he sent me a message too um I can't find him oh wait here it is I haven't opened the message yet Parker totally a Gen Z kid name all right we got his message to me is hey there with three y's okay no response because I'm not like I'm not gonna lead him on good I'm not gonna give him anything you know I don't want to I'm I feel like I need to keep saying that because

what Jacqueline that's just not okay like there's they're paying for this app don't fuck don't don't waste their time so he says he takes pride in not leaving the sink run while I brush my teeth okay instant red flag I don't need to I feel like this this guy is That just tells me you're a vegan, you are going to preach to me about climate change and recycling and saving the turtles and you're probably a liberal and you fucking, which I'm okay with, but like you're probably into like all the woke shit and you care about the environment too much where I'm going to go insane because it's like what we're going to have conversations about, which to me is the most boring shit ever and look, we're

all going to die. Okay. Not my lifetime, bitch. The turtles are still going to be around in a hundred years. I don't care what you say. Okay. So I don't give a fuck that you stop the water when you brush your teeth. I could care less. And that doesn't make you cool. Next response. Biggest risk I've taken hero is putting my car in neutral before entering. I'm such a chocolate like there's this world needs all kinds okay it does and we need the people that are compassionate and that care and that want to make a change and go vegan and whatever they need to do you know we need those people and i was one of them like i can talk about i literally went through college as a vegan who preached other people about veganism all the time and environmental

shit and climate change like i was that okay i'm recovered from that i'm out of that because it it i i saw the light i see or i see multiple angles of how the world works now where i'm just like it's not all it's not all it's not what we're being sold okay so anyways um he's probably a nice kid, but, like, do I turn my water off when I brush my teeth? I mean, I honestly do. Wait, let me do the motion. Put my toothpaste on, and then I, like, wait, toothpaste? Yeah, I turn it off, and then I brush, because it takes a couple minutes, and then I turn it back on to rinse. Yeah, dude, I learned that when I was in preschool. Jesus, and I skipped preschool.

The biggest risk I've taken, he said, is putting my car in neutral before entering a car wash. That's not, that's not hitting for me. Next thing he wrote is a shower thought I recently had. He wrote, yo, listen up. Here's a story about a little guy that lives in a blue world and all day and all night and and everything he sees is just blue like him how old is this guy 23 he's 23 okay so that was probably a quote that I that's probably a movie reference that I don't understand because I'm older than him and I mean cute guy he's gonna find his woman it's just not gonna be me um also below my age I'm like no I do not I you know what's weird I dated younger guys when I was in college like a little it was always like a year

or two or like a year it was mostly like we were close in age like that but now I have a very it's just what I'm attracted to and also like what I can put up with it's got to be like at this point youngest I'll date is like 29 I'm 26 26 but you know what I actually I can't say I'd say like my own age would I don't know it would take a really special dude who could that could would convince me that I can date someone my own age and that they don't need to be like five years older or ten years older um they'd have to be kind of they would have to be I don't know like I said special or like something about that and that's I don't know age shouldn't matter but I notice a difference when I, when I'm on dates to, uh, between like the 30 plus year olds versus

the, well, fuck, I'd say like the 27s, 28s, 29s, 30s, 31s, 32s, 33s are my, that's like my age range, age range. I don't want to date someone that's 45, even though I've matched with them on here. I'm like, it's not happening. Uh, yeah. The oldest person I dated was what? 12 years older than me was he 36 I was 24 something like that train wreck of a situation um okay I get a lot of questions what's your podcast called so I could respond like Chris asked me what's your podcast called I could like this I I don't want to use hinge to get more downloads to my podcast some more subscribers I will not respond but hey he's curious he asked that question um a lot of people ask about Jimmy because I have that caption um it's on my Instagram like the picture and

they're like how's Jimmy doing today let's find a different guy to talk about his let's talk about different profile. Okay. Jacob. 29. Okay. 6'3", 29. He's in my area. Let's make sure we're on the same page about Taco Tuesday and tequila shots being the best food slash drink combo out there anything I I know this is just my you know I don't know why I'm this way but like that's the equivalent of a bitch saying a basic bitch saying I like my favorite thing a week a typical weekend brunch and mimosas bottomless mimosas and brunch it's like I don't know I don't like cliches like this taco Tuesday and tequila I don't know um he wrote I'm just not feeling this already the one thing you should know about me is I have super nice hoodies but

they are all mine I I'm interested so that makes me interested to be honest I love hoodie like I love there's something about a man's hoodie that's like I could buy the exact same hoodie that my boyfriend has and it's I guess it's like the fact he wears it and it smells like I don't know it's so oh my god nothing better but it's nice to know that he's got hoodies like that was a nice thing to disclose um but they are all mine like I see that that humor there I see where he's going with that because girls steal their their man's hoodie and um I think I've officially thrown away yeah I had a big purge of all of the trailing like clothing items that I had like since like fucking college

like I kept yeah I kept a lot of hoodies I kept a lot yeah just a lot of t-shirts and hoodies over over the last I don't know like eight years or whatever or whatever the fuck but like I finally like I think it was a couple years ago I purged it all I was like I can't this is just bad energy it's just like it gave me like it made me feel bad about myself I don't know it shouldn't but like I just felt like I I was holding on to the past and I was still thinking about these men that I just and it wasn't it wasn't meant to be nice hoodies though I mean I slept great I mean one of them was a football player and they fucking completely tricked them out with the best like nike shit and all the newest latest greatest technology with all the fabrics and shit and i

had that i literally had one of our football players hoodies for like five years and it was so nice i slept in all the time and uh he's the guy i said that came back around and professors loved me after college and after i moved to san diego that was his hoodie that was a big um uh what do you call it a mind fuck like i just hate when guys like they they don't say how they they don't they're not up front about their feelings and shit and then they tell you like five years later i'm like i liked you i thought we liked each other why didn't you tell me then too little too late buddy it's just a little okay so i'm over this jacob guy honestly i'm not feeling it um

i just that was i i don't know i want i want to pick someone that's like got a good that they're that that's funny or okay i just want to enjoy reading someone's profile what am i saying fact that surprises me about people this is junior jr says fact that surprises me about people i'm a pretty even balance balance between nerdy and athletic oh buddy oh fuck don't say that like that's not an interesting fact about you

is he cute wait i didn't even look at his pictures i'm just reading his thing yeah i mean i want someone who knows a good flirt to roast race ratio cliche i'll know i found the one when he's got one this is his third response he's got two strikes one more well he's already got two strikes well one more he's out but if i like this one then maybe there's a chance i'll know i'll know i found the one when when i say hey do you want to go to insert random destination for a week with me they're always down especially if it involves skiing slash snowboarding okay so this guy um definitely played world of warcraft he definitely goes to comic-con and he uh

uses okay i can't say this this is fucked up i don't want to do this i'm just getting like i'm getting like super um I don't know how to explain it like like he's very he's a nerd he's a nerd he's a total nerd and that's cute but not for me or he's just kind of immature how old is he 32 Jesus Christ here we go this one I gotta pick someone that's cute just to see like okay so they're cute and do I like what they're saying let's find someone that I'm like okay this is a good I'm liking their pictures I'm liking what I'm seeing yeah I feel like I've seen this guy before I feel like I know

him but I probably from a different I don't know so you should leave a comment he wrote this is Jason he wrote you should leave a comment if your retirement plan is to breed large athletes who will pay for all of our bills that's good because I like that because I I would love to have I would love to have like if speaking of a football player in the hoodie thing like if my son was in a went to a d1 school played football like I and I could I could go relive my college days and go to all the games and tailgate and be with all the moms and all the kids and like fucking drink and party like just like i don't know i live in california maybe they go to ucla usc or fucking somewhere here well we don't have football in san diego do we no you know like oh my god

i feel it i would love to breed uh what did he say breed large athletes who will pay for all of our bills that'd be sick um i haven't even thought of that like what i will put my kids in like I guess I'll let them try everything or do whatever they want to do but like I know my parents they they put me through dancing singing acting instruments piano flute fucking uh and then all the sports soccer basketball volleyball you know just you name it I did I pretty much did everything and a little did they know they should have they should have parked a microphone in front in front of my face at a young age and they should have said hey look bitch get good at this because someday you're going to do it every day. And you know, what's really cute. Oh my gosh. I just had

a little random thought about microphones. Um, I have a little baby cousin who's two and she just got, so my mom has like completely packed away obviously and kept our toys that we grew up with in our house like me my brother and my sister and she gave my cousin my cash register my little red cash register and I just thought about how the how it had a had a microphone on it like you could talk you could do like the intercom thing to the customers like attention customers close the store the store is closing in 15 minutes like I could do that as a little kid because of the microphone and it's crazy to like reflect I don't know she's using it now it's really cute but the fact that had a microphone and I didn't even know that someday I'd be on a mic I don't know

or when I excused the entire school in eighth grade because I was vice president and I at every assembly every every time we went to church and we as a school we had to like you know everyone gets excused at the end of these events and so I was vice president so I would say I would like direct each class to leave but I was holding a microphone the whole time when else have I been mic'd up it's mic'd up in uh plays yeah anyways I don't know why I'm reflecting on microphones but I'm a podcast host like that's what I do here okay so I like that first response about athletes um this guy's six seven Jesus Christ a shower thought I recently had he wrote everyone hates being sung happy birthday and everyone hates singing happy birthday so what are we even doing

here. I'm just laughing. Cause I think he's cute, but like, I don't. Yeah. I mean, I feel it. That also frustrates me and pisses me off. I recently had a sing happy birthday over zoom. And actually that made me more comfortable than I think if I was doing it in person, cause I could control my volume and no one could tell that I wasn't being very loud about it. Like I was trying to, and no one can really hear each other when you're on zoom. You can only really hear, hear yourself in your room so okay one he's got one more he's doing okay I'm giving this is kind of lukewarm it got lukewarm like the second question was kind of the first one was good the last thing he wrote is let's make sure we're on the same page about

breezing past the chit chat on here and making plans that way it'll be easier to lie about how we meet plus we can see if there's chemistry oh fuck he's serious about this and then guys I this is why I won't waste his time and I won't respond okay he sent me a message and said he's he's got a dog I'm not gonna say his dog's name because I feel like I've already said his first name and like if you know this guy and I said his height like I don't know I don't want to say his dog's name but he said well Jimmy and let's just call him Rufus Rufus need to meet so let's make that happen very forward very much he said meet he just wants to like out the gates let's just meet and I gotta be honest I'm a little bit uh turned off by that a little bit I'm just

like it's the point it's like what are we all doing here it's like let's actually meet up let's actually like hang out let's you know but I've done that before where I just go like yeah let's just set a date like I'll literally I like what was like two summers ago I had like fucking three dates in a day it's like I was going on dates like all hinge dates constantly and it was because I was just saying yes yes yes yes yes and then you know it was like time and place okay I'll meet you there tonight I'll meet you there tomorrow it's just like an easy thing to set up right dates are easy to set up but then i would wait i felt like i didn't really feel out the chemistry first through the the messages and the dms and then i just was not i ended up being like oh i'm

wasting your time and one of them fucking kissed me and i wasn't ready for that and i didn't want it i didn't want it it was not consensual it's awkward as shit one of them bought fucking cactus tacos and i was just so turned off by that i was like eat some goddamn carne asada with me stop being, I just couldn't do it, but I get it, we're all just frustrated by this dance we have to do on dating apps, and it's, a lot of people feel like they're not getting anywhere, because no one's really meeting up, I'm just not, guys, I gotta be honest about something, I haven't said this, but I don't know why my brain is like this, but when I like someone, it's really hard for me to like anyone else and like you have to like it's there's some great guys on this app there's

some great people um you know that I could be going on dates with and everything but I'm currently in a situation where I'm like I just need some fucking closure or else I'm not going to be able to go on a date with anyone else and like that's I don't talk about my I don't talk like I don't tell you guys personal life dating life boy life or boy stuff ever but I just thought I'd mention it because like I have to acknowledge the fact there are some great people on this app I just I'm just so I don't know why my brain is like that in fact one of my first serious relationships was that exact same situation where I was like look I need to meet you like I need to date you I need to date you to get on the other side and figure out if we're supposed to be

be together and we ended up having to do that and figuring that out because it was like I couldn't I just couldn't think about anyone else it's so fucked up but anyways let me just move on Jesus so I wasn't feeling it really with that guy let's do another profile how many of these could I do I'm gonna do like two more 28 his name's Cordell he said first thing he wrote is let let's make sure we're on the same page about the fact this that's the prompt I gotta keep saying that that's not him saying it's like that's the prompt and his response to that is let's make sure we're on the same page about

the fact that I'm not going to pay for I'm not going to pay you for whatever services you're offering and a laughing face okay next uh I don't even want to keep reading I'm just like what the fuck what are you alluding to there are you trying to be funny am I not getting it this guy's actually pretty good looking everyone on here is like this these dating apps are full of good looking dudes it's like it's just what it is but i don't know i'm just like not i don't know he wrote next prompt his first round is on me if it's tequila okay well i do like tequila oh fuck this i'm out never have i ever his response had coffee instant swipe left like I need answers are you gonna die if you drink it and that's the

only excuse that you should have for not drinking coffee you're the only excuse a human being a human being should ever have for not drinking coffee is I will die instantly if I drink this I will die of an allergic reaction if I drink coffee and that's it oh my god he'd probably drink fucking matcha in front of me and i'd make fun of him this would be a terrible relationship next um let's do like an older dude let me guys let me give you guys like an older let me look at the pictures here oh yeah he's got gray hair love this okay we got a silver hair dude oh fuck instant I know this is going to be bad instantly this is going to be bad because he

wrote we got hold on what's the name Nicholas 45 here we go I'm a regular at the beach and i instantly fall asleep of boredom and i'm like wow that is just so boring and i'm just that is obvious and not interesting um believe it or not this is his next response believe it or not i have never been divorced uh you're so I get it he's 45 and I understand why he would think he would need he would need to say that but like I don't care that's not telling me anything about like I'm not that's not a feature of who you are that's like a oh that's cool good to know but like I'm not don't lead with that don't lead with that on your profile

okay final thing he wrote this is wholesome i i do like what i'm seeing here is together we could be best friends laugh a ton follow our passions create positive change start a family or expand current expand a current one and live intentionally wholesome he's got his head in the right place there um yeah like you know not to be cheesy but like I am looking for my best friend who I can just laugh with and you know like just live enjoy life together with and have a family with like you know all the all the like the normal things we all want but like or the simple things we all want but um you know I will say this I was in a relationship there's one relationship I was in

at one point in my life where I had a glimmer of that where I went oh this is what it's like when you're literally like I am your person like I am your best friend we are inseparable like I love you because like I love you for who you are and like I just like you know what I mean it's like you have this they become it's like you become you're like related like that it's like I can't describe it um so I would like that again but not with someone who um I don't want to disclose anything because that would give it away maybe but like I don't know wasn't it wasn't supposed to it wasn't meant to be but like you know what uh there were glimmers of goodness in that relationship that I will remember for my future relationships okay let's read another

honestly these have all been boring as fuck but I get it like no one's really I don't know okay let's find let me just find another person I think is kind of attractive and see if his answers match that okay

okay we got Jason let's do Jason I think I did a Jason earlier biggest risk I've taken jumping out of a helicopter I think he's military let me see yeah he's wearing a bulletproof vest in a picture yep okay not no no issues with that we got next or next response I'm a regular at working out rock climbing, hiking, playing piano in a country band, cooking and baking Twix cookies. This is my kind of man. Okay. Wait, what's the next one? Don't hate me if I am a gentleman and keep chivalry alive. I'm a dying breed. Sorry. I'm not a snowflake either. All right. And I'm looking at you shooting a gun here. He's wearing a bulletproof vest. He's fucking, uh, it looks like he's playing the piano he plays in a country band I respect that uh he's a fucking man okay

that's the impression I'm getting here and he looks like a good guy who's just gonna treat me right and he's simple he's a simple man I can just tell this he just likes a good back massage back massage back massage at the end of a hard work day shooting guns and shit and he wants me I don't know all right um I'm feeling this unfortunately like I'm not facially attracted at all like I just don't see like is he 45 how old was he oh 34 you know what he looks he looks 45 like he looks really old which is interesting um but he looks like a good guy like i can tell like that was a that was an example of someone i just felt like they're normal they're hard working they're like you said i keep chivalry alive and i'm a dying breed like i

love that i will never like i am not a fucking feminist or whatever it's called like i am not like a uh i want to pay for our dinners i want to you know tell you what to do and boss you around like no I'm the one that you're taking care of me like I'm the woman I I I'm not the dominant member of the relationship Jesus Christ all right let's I could keep going all night okay I'm gonna do one more gotta be disciplined uh and I do need to finish my 5,000 steps or I have 5,000 more to get my to get to 10k and I gotta take Jimmy out all right let's pick a good one I gotta pick sometimes you can tell if someone's funny just from their pictures

like their first their profile pic I can get kind of a sense of it let's do Zach now I don't see his profile yet but he did send me a message that says uh suh dude suh dude

S-U-H wait how old is he oh wait profile um he's 27 okay now surfer snowboarder okay not nothing wrong with that i see what i'm okay he's got group photo oh here we go oh fuck van life oh no oh no oh no okay most spontaneous thing i've done i've lived in a van for a few weeks oh fuck i get along best with people who watch tv without subtitles

yeah what is that okay someone enlighten me in the dms shoot me a dm on instagram i was home for the holidays with my family for a month and we watched every netflix movie or anything on tv with subtitles and i didn't understand that that's a thing like people there's like a community of people that watch shows with a subtitle, like they, they need the subtitles. So anyways, I don't understand it, but he said he gets along with people who don't need subtitles. Um, maybe I'm on, maybe we're on the same page about that. Like I don't need them. I don't personally get it so okay um my simple pleasures strolling through target okay i get it i get it you know what i mean i also i'm also skeptical i'm also a little bit like

are you just saying that because you know bitches love target you're trying to get bitches i you know you could say that about me you could say that about me saying i geek out on my response to i geek out on was jre because i know so many fucking men listen to that podcast but i legitimately like look look i i'll go toe-to-toe with you i have literally listened to every fucking episode one of the boys no like i you know it's like that for me it's like that for me and i I didn't just put that because I know men like to listen that it's like there it's what did I see there's a meme that was like Rogan is Ellen for men I mean so I guess that the target he says he likes strolling through target I mean yeah he's grown he's an adult I mean it's like I think

men get kind of like that when they get older they're like I got my favorite favorite grocery store now I like simple things like you know going to bed at 9 p.m. and I you know and doing my morning breath work at 5 a.m. like whatever like they're they're into like basic little life things but uh anyways um I said I'd do one that was it I just the van life thing to be honest like you guys know I'm not into adventure boys I'm not I'm not into like extreme sports boys and I need to be constantly on a hike in a next to a glacier or a fucking like I need to go explore every national park and and see every site like I'm not into that I don't mind a little bit of it like let's go on a hike of course let's go camping let's you know okay but if that's your

if that's like if you're if you're if you're super nomadic and you live out of a van i'm and you have long hair i'm out i'm sorry i'm not into it it's not my vibe it's not my and then you're probably super spiritual and like you talk about fluffy things like that all day and you probably really give a fuck about the turtles and i just will sit there and go I'll zone out and I'll and I'd want to talk about um what do I talk about here like why do why are things that are commonly discussed in my generation uninteresting and fucking boring to me it's all because you know what it's so bitch that's what it is like to me everything is so pansy and bitch and soft and stupid and

everyone's just like crying about the world and how everything's falling apart and going to hell And I'm like, it just shows me how sold you are on every fucking thing you see on the internet. And, like, that's sad. Like, no one does their own research. No one even knows. And I don't even do that. But, like, for certain things I don't. But I don't like sitting around with people that, yeah, so let's be environmentally conscious and sit around a campfire and talk about how we're going to be more grateful for our Mother Earth.

and fucking use metal straws instead of plastic straws, even though we all learned in the seaspiracy that's bullshit. Guess who has plastic straws in her cupboard right now? Because plastic is self-care. Go listen to that episode. I own plastic straws. I buy plastic cups. I use plastic shit because it makes me feel good, and that's it, okay?

And imagine my percentage. calculate what your prediction of my percentage or my plastic what how much of a percent am I if plastic am I putting in the ocean one person do the math well Jacqueline um with small city big dreams I know one person wait what's the domino effect the snowball effect it starts with one person and if everyone did it the world would be a better place we would all live happily ever after and mother earth would breathe better the turtles would survive and swim out into the sea and feel amazing and they wouldn't die and choke on straws to death am i just a negative bit am i just a curmudgeon like i just don't think the world is that happy

snappy. It's not. It's not how the world works, unfortunately. Okay. We got, we got issues and I don't know how they're going to get solved. I personally don't have that in my body. Like I'm not, my life mission isn't to save the planet. Okay. It's just not. And again, what am I, what do you realistically think? How much of an impact in my, are my little baby straws contributing to garbage patch in the pacific or wherever the fuck it is which in that movie they extrapolated to the entire popular the entire planet which is something you can't do you can't just say oh because of this much plastic in this specific location in the ocean uh you know that percentage of plastic in this specific location the ocean represents the entirety of the world that's a

bunch of bullshit but of course no one's gonna question those statistics or those it's uh you know you guys heard my opinions about c-spiracy i'm uh i think it's great at the end of the day i don't know why i'm talking about c-spiracy now but i think anytime you can get people talking and get people thinking about their consumption of you know anything really where it's there's you know a corrupt industry out there the fishing and all that like there's corruption in it and uh You get people talking, they're going to be thinking about it, they're going to buy more, I don't know, they'll stop eating the fish, or they're going to find fisheries that are sustainable, which is a possibility, even though they said in that, they said there isn't a, sustainability is not defined, or it can't be defined, or there isn't an actual definition of sustainable fishing. and there's literally it's it's like what thomas's theory in 1935 or some shit go look it up on google i had to do this after i watched the movie there's literally like sustainability theories or

sustainability uh uh measurements what is it called the something sustainability yield why this is this is about hinge jackal why are you going on this rabbit hole about uh yeah maximum sustainable yield is the number to tell you how to maximize the number of fish you're taking out of the water one year uh max to maximize the number of fish you're taking out the next year the goal is to have the same fish from one year to the next that's that's literally sustainable fishing well how i don't know but what was i saying the this was this all because of the guy posting he lived in a van yeah and i was like i just don't like to talk about that kind of shit i don't know but i was also trying to think about what do i like to talk about

i just get on here and judge other people for being good people for literally being good people and trying to save the planet and is that my brand that's that's shameful and i should go to hell and i should be canceled but you know what i gotta keep shit in check i gotta call out i gotta i gotta explain the other way of thinking, because it's not, like I said, we're being sold so many, it's all this, there's so much fear-mongering going on and propaganda around the conservation and environmental climate change, just like, I don't know, all right, that's it, that's the official I reviewed I reviewed hinge profiles episode I don't know I like I said uh went in blind didn't have any notes I just kind of now guys you know what I'm gonna end up doing because

I feel gross and kind of weird about it like I'm gonna just delete every I'm gonna have to unmatch everyone I don't even know how to do that or I think if you don't respond after a certain amount of days on hinge it'll just go away so I think that'll just happen um but I was I don't know trigger happy and I was like fuck it I'll just match with everyone and just to like see what they say and what questions they have and what they say about my profile because it's interesting to see like how people like what they think about you it's it's good to it's kind of nice to know it helps you gauge like how you're coming across on dating apps you know and uh I did get a nice compliment today I did get a nice compliment uh but I just I don't think I should read it because

it's so nice that it's like it's gonna make me sound full of myself because I actually I do believe it I do I do agree with them about this compliment they gave me and uh yeah I won't I won't I'll keep it to myself but like some people nail it on the head some people will send like their intro message is something very um it's just so it's complimentary in the best way because they compliment the parts of you that you love about yourself that you know about yourself but you're like I don't want to flex that or talk about that but they're like I recognize this in you and I can tell that you're this way and even though you you know like they just give you a little and I'm also like are they shining me on and blowing smoke up my ass but you know what I'm

at the end of the day I'm a fucking I work hard I'm kind to people I give it my all every day and I'm and I'm a I'm a good person with a big heart and I'm not a piece of shit and I don't I'm not all these I'm not a what did I say earlier I'm not a gnarly I don't have a gnarly attitude I'm not a fucking stone-cold resting bitch-faced chick I'm really not I'm not a toxic I don't do the toxic dating stuff. I don't like where you, I don't know, like there's so many TikToks speaking of beyond dating and relationship TikTok, there are so many like girls teaching other girls how to like fucking, uh, emasculate men and make them insecure and make them. And I'm like, what the fuck? If you have to do that, like you should

even, if you, you shouldn't be dating, you shouldn't be, you should not even be involving yourself with men and I think those are usually women that have not found they haven't found themselves they don't know who they are and they like slide around this life uh there's they slide relationship to a relationship and they get like it's like a hit they get from each little man they can take down or fucking make jealous or like whatever it is they need to do to make themselves feel better and it's just like that you just damage that guy and then he's left out high and dry and he feels like shit about himself and because you're dramatic and you're crazy and you like to fuck around with people and um call them out on stupid shit and you're not most girls

beat around the bush no one's no one's women are not straight to the point they're very uh what's it called passive aggressive and they don't really say how they feel and they you know just it's fucking not good if you're dating and you're like that so you know what just grow up and to be honest like I took a fat fucking break last year uh and evaluated myself and dating and evaluated my honestly like the style of dating I was doing and just like how I was going about meeting men and um you know a year after well it's been a year now of uh well it's like 2020 is over but I have different plans now I have a better I think I'm a lot more grounded now and I know I don't know it's like I regained my values and my strong um like I like found myself worth

or whatever the fuck it's called and I'm like okay I like know it now I know it now I know what I should be expecting now or what I should be the type of men I should be going after and what I should be putting up with because I was making so many excuses before 2020 and like allowing so much shit to slide and changing who I was just to accommodate and make other men like me and make men think I was I was like changing who I was so they would be more attracted to me because I thought that's how you had to do it to keep them around and that's sad now I just lead with I just lead with who I am I'm like look take it or leave it hey I'm gonna be a great fucking wife someday and I can't wait to do it and I've you know what I was

I've been thinking about it a lot lately lately and I've been telling you guys about that where I'm like, I just want that, it sounds boring as fuck, but, like, that stability and that full feeling of, like, you're, you know, you got your person and you're in love and you're experiencing life together and you're just, like, having the best time. Like, I don't, I don't like this little in-between shit I'm putting up with now with dating and figuring and finding people and it's just, it's exhausting. But you know what? It shouldn't be. I feel like that's how you know you found the one where it'll just be like, oh, okay. Hi, you're it. All right. Thanks. That's cool. Thanks, God. Thanks, whoever put you in front of me. Thanks, whoever put you in front of me. What am I saying? Jesus. Seven million people, bitch, and you're still single or whatever. Plenty of fish in the sea. Okay. That was kind of a long episode, but what's new? I've been doing

long ones lately I don't know um wow my back fucking hurts I'm sitting in a bad position it's like I just did yoga and then I undo it all by the way I sit in my podcast chair like come on oh there's Monday motivation for you um I so not only have I podcasted 213 days in a row I have done yoga well I think I missed like two days I do yoga every day so I've done yoga every day since November I think last year and I stuck with it I didn't give up and I it's it's it's taken a long time it's taken a long time to get really like good at it or whatever again because I used to be good at it and then I stopped doing it anyways but uh I'm not stopping I'm showing up every day to my mat no matter what and I'm I feel amazing so there stick to your workout routine

don't give up on it it'll get better it'll eventually pay off just I don't know okay uh hit that subscribe button I'm here seven days a week and head over to patreon.com slash tjms if you want to support the show what did I say in the beginning if you want to officially support the show. Yeah. I mean, look, it's a, it's super, this is my passion. Okay. This is what I want to do for 30 years, for 50 years. Like I want to do this forever. And you know, a Patreon's a subscription service. It's a way for me to make a side income, a small income from the show. Cause I don't make any money doing this. You know what I mean? So you all know how it works. But if you want to get access to more of me, more of my content, if you want to get a shout out

every friday which sounds so fucking like boring but whatever you get to be part of the show credits and if you'd like a phone call from me personal phone call from me then go ahead and subscribe on patreon.com slash tjms and yeah that's it that was a fun episode i'll never review hinge profiles again honestly it was boring as fuck and uh I don't know someone okay wait what was I gonna have you guys dm me um where do bald guys stop shaving their not shaving washing their what at what point of their head do they shop stop washing their face and then what would a room full of mirrors look like with nothing inside to reflect anything off of okay goodbye wait was that my bye bye