The Jacqueline Monroe Show - 217- Lone Wolf

Episode Date: April 11, 2021

Happy Friday!! :) Patreon.com/TJMS 

What's up, guys? Happy Friday. It's episode 217. Welcome back to the show! Hey, what's up? It's Jacqueline. Welcome back to the show. how's it going? How's everybody doing tonight? Friday night. Okay. Guess who's sitting alone drinking a LaCroix for the 90th weekend in a row. Okay. Let me take a sip. Cheers to that. Once again, I'm staring outside at the city observing women my age stomp around in heels going out with their boys their boyfriends I don't know their friends their girls and I'm wearing a headset and I'm sitting in a fucking oversized tee and no pants with fucking fuzzy socks on and I'm podcasting so uh this is my life welcome to the show

you know you can have it all in this life this is just one of those weekends um I do plan on becoming the socialite of San Diego I've been alluding to that or been teasing it for so long every I guess like once a month I say I want like this year 2021 post COVID or post 2020 honestly I don't I don't want to get into my thoughts about COVID right now Jacqueline Jacqueline but I was like 2021 she's going out again she's gonna socialize she's gonna meet a bunch of new people she's both you know gonna have a ton of girlfriends no okay uh at least I'm aware that I it's like awareness is the first step to change or whatever the fuck like I'm I'm on my way it's a journey and I'm still sitting alone on this on a Friday not going out and I've

been really embarrassed lately about my behavior um because I'm not embarrassed just like questioning my behavior on like why like I've been asked out recently I got back on hinge and I've been like talking to people and then they're like hey you know like let's meet up let's go out on a little date or whatever they say you know we like they want to coordinate something to meet me and I just like immediately don't want to what does that mean like why am I like I don't know I don't think am I not ready am I not mentally there yet I don't know I just I'm not even in guys the thing is is like I'm not finding no one is I'm not really into anyone I'm seeing right now I'm in Southern California I'm in San Diego and I don't know I I feel like the dating pool is very interesting here

and I don't know. Who do you think would be a good fit for me? Send me a DM. What kind of man do you think could handle this shit? Um, I've dated older. I've dated younger. I've dated, uh, all kinds. All right. I've dated foreign. I've dated, uh, let me think. Yeah. I mean, just, just let me know. Cause I'm starting to think about that. Like what kind of man should I be like put on my radar or whatever the fuck because I feel like I'm like reaching out to the wrong people Joe Rogan got a new studio I don't know if anyone saw that and I listened to the Tom Segura podcast was like the first one in his new studio and I feel I feel like they said something on it that makes me feel insecure about myself because it's kind of me like joe is saying

that uh people that like like i think he had a he had someone on his podcast who had been locked down and hadn't seen anyone or talked to anyone he was like basically quarantining alone all 2020 something like that and he's like the guy had changed or he he was socially awkward or his communication was kind of fucked up because he doesn't really go out and talk to people anymore and I'm just like um bitch that's me oh my god like if I really think about it guys and it's starting to really hit me it's starting to really hit me okay think about this I I want you to know something because I'm not I'm not I'm not a complete loser I'm not a complete loser think about this when I went from college to with friends going out like every weekend a

shit ton of activities same with high school right and then boom moved to San Diego I jump in with a man move in date work for his company I had like a shit ton of friends a shit ton of activities travel rock star lifestyle for a long time okay and then I quit that cold turkey and walked away and let me be honest about that I would say literally since 2019 until now it's been fucking rough socially and and I mean like I've been a lone wolf as fuck like I so and but here's the thing I've had jobs I've been I've had co-workers and then last year when I lost my my day job or whatever um where I I was so excited about it because it felt like high school again like there was a ton of young people my age working together and everyone was like hot

and cool and hip and fun and we like would go out together and shit it was so much fun I was so excited about that job and then we all lost it because of you know um the government and then so anyway so I've had like I've had a pretty decent social life up until like last year and then now I'm realizing sorry let me cut to the chase literally from lockdown so March till now I've been in prison like I feel like I've been inmate because I live alone I don't talk to anyone all day long other than social media or FaceTime or phone calls to my mom and shit or my neighbors or people at the grocery store like the mailman or the Amazon man like or my postman man like it's very limited because I don't actually have guys I haven't done this yet

I haven't fucking done this yet I'm really fucking embarrassed about it is this a red flag oh shit i don't have friends chocolate delete this episode like i don't have a girlfriend i could just like call up right now and say hey can i come over and have a slumber party or hey do you want to go out tonight here's the thing here's the thing i'm aware of people i have like a acquaintance relationship with a lot of girls in san diego that i could hit up literally anytime and probably do that it's just like it's more me and i feel like i'm working on a lot of like I don't know I don't know I think I'm I don't know I'm overthinking this I should just reach out and do that but I don't and I feel like that's that could be a good sign let me

reframe this let me make myself feel better about this I'm genuinely happy alone which is a huge accomplishment that that's what came out of 2020 for me or like that's what I learned in 2020 hey Jacqueline you're in prison for a year you're gonna quarantine live alone do your own thing not talk to anyone you're not gonna date you're not gonna fucking do any of that and you're gonna figure out how to be happy by yourself and enjoy your life alone okay and so I'm there so now I think what like I said becoming the socialite of San Diego all that bullshit is gonna naturally unfold because I'm I'm starting from a good place now and I can just like I don't know it's time it's fucking hot girl summer apparently um summer everyone's like talking about summer summer summer

and I feel it like I've been I don't know I've been so giddy about this summer and just the weather's nice here and I've been like I just I go outside all the time I'm like getting tan I don't know I feel great so also like my cousin's visiting me at the end of the summer end of the month my sister is so I'm having girls come over which will be great did I just tell you guys I don't have friends if do you know what I mean though like I have it's like okay and I'll be honest. I'll be raw. I feel like those people I first met when I moved to San Diego weren't like a great, um, it was like a, Oh, I work with them. So we're friends relationship, but I don't know if I would have picked them, you know what I mean? Like on my, like if that makes sense. So we kind

of became estranged. I don't really talk to them anymore, even though they're great people. Like I, I still consider them like family in a weird way because of how close we all were. Um, but yeah. okay anyways i don't want to do a little pity party about she doesn't have friends now but i just don't want that to also be a red flag it's a hard out it's hard out here for a independent woman who moves moved to a new city who uh does everything on her own i'm like completely self-sufficient no roommates no what is it called um daddy giving me money money daddy money what is that called no fuck that fuck all that like no I've completely done this on my own I've earned everything I have it's like my I feel good about that now you know I've done it so now it's like

okay just bitch go out to a meet and greet social gathering somewhere just go to the beach and talk to people like the amount of times I walk by tables like at restaurants like during brunch hour and there's a bunch of girls sitting there I just want to like fucking sit down next to them be like hey here I am it looks like we get along can I be your friend literally I'm at that point like you know what fuck it I'm struggling I need a friend I need I need girlfriends I need shit to do on the weekends can I be your friend like I'm at that point and that's that's a bold move I would legitimately actually make now because I don't give a fuck I'm just like look I'm the main character you're in my movie you're the supporting character if this was being filmed right now I'm

that actress in the scene of the movie where she walks onto the piazza at the fucking, where all the restaurants are in Italy. And she's, you know, on her own like Italian vacation. And then there's like a group of Italian women at a table and she just like invites herself over. And then it becomes like this dynamic, crazy interaction with everyone meeting and like, I don't even know. That's how I like dream it and then in in reality I'd probably get a lot of uh it would be like oh this is an ambush security come over here take her out um everyone's uncomfortable including myself and I'd feel awkward about it and I'd fucking uh I don't even know what happened guys I don't know why I'm trailing off like this is my Friday night this is a topic I haven't really touched on and I

kind of kept to myself because I feel really insecure about it but why not talk about it um it's all in my head too like I feel like a lot of the reasons I don't um or in the past I don't think about this now so much but in the past I would like I wouldn't put myself out there and like want to hang out with people because I had all these insecurities built up inside me and I was like they don't want they don't like me or I'm fucking weird or they're too cool and I'm not good enough but that's all from fucking high school that's all like high school shit that I carried with me into my adulthood because of how I felt like as the outcast in high school always trying to leech onto the popular crew

and um they were always nice to me but like never I was never close to any of them but I'd still party with them I'd still hang out with them it was just like a weird I felt I always felt like annoying on I was like the person on the edge of the group and if everyone's standing in a circle I'm the one that's like on the outside trying to like wedge myself in I don't know it's hard out here for a pimp what am I a lone wolf is that the technical term and I'm insecure about that I'm like Jacqueline why do you have to be so fucking independent why don't you just like have it you know I kind of think I'm a little bit of a control freak in a way because I've had trauma in my past and chaos in my childhood and I feel like the one thing I can

control is my own little personal life and my own shit and so when other people start getting involved. And like in the past, when I've had room, when I've had lots of friends and roommates and tons of activities going on, it's fucking messy. People are messy. And a lot of people don't have their shit together. And then you end up carrying a lot of their baggage around with you all day. And honestly, it would be hard as fuck for me to do a podcast seven days a week. If I had a roommate in here, think about that. Like I'm pretty, I'm lucky that I'm in this position to be honest. Like I, you know, I can afford Southern California and I can live here and everything, but like by myself, but, um, I don't know. There's some cons with having a lot

of action and friends and shit all the time. And I don't know. And I was, I talked to my friend one time for like six hours on the phone to like three in the morning. And I told him this was like a, we caught up after a long time. I was telling him, I was like so much of this, of the shit that people our age love doing like activity wise and on the weekends and stuff I get so fucking bored and I just want to go home and lay on my couch and those are things like yachts with drinking like drinking yachts djs like I don't understand like why am I like that and this is like like think about this I'm there and I've been in situations like this before where I'm like okay this is supposed to be fun

I'm supposed to be having fun right now I'm supposed to be living this up I'm supposed to be smiling and laughing and dancing and singing and drinking and everything's amazing and then I'm like I can't I don't know why I'm not I just think it's not I think it's because it's like more about being seen and looking hot and just like being drunk and then hanging around all these like hot people it's like mostly that which is fun as shit it can be fun more than like actual or just like connection and shit like real fucking raw connection which I think is more my style I just like a fucking kickback man just sit me around a park my ass at a bonfire and give me a fucking course and like that's my style and I don't know why I'm like that

I've I don't know I don't need a yacht I don't need a fucking Miami weekend in a high-rise penthouse with fucking molly and coke and I don't know I'm not one of those I just have never like that's not me but um the thing I told them like though back to that is that I found myself in so many get togethers, parties, trips, whatever. I'm just sitting there and I'm like, I'm not even having fun. And I don't know why I'm not having fun. Is it about the people I'm with? So I think if you're, if you're with the right people, that is not the case. Like I, I, my two best girls in high, excuse me, college where we'd go out all the time together and we were like siblings it was we were so tight we had grown up together and I'm jealous of girls

now that are my age and they have those friends from like kindergarten still and they're 26 they're going out and they're all close like that and it's like it's it sucks because I don't have that anymore and so I don't know does anyone relate to this at least I'm not you know dead or I guess I'm healthy and I don't have, um, you know, a tumor growing in my body. Uh, so that, that's cool that I know of. Should I change the subject? I feel like this was kind of a, a venting session about myself where I just, I don't know. I got kind of negative. Okay. So what did I reveal today? Let's recap. Um, I don't have friends. I feel like I am one of those weird people now that was locked down for a year that didn't social

didn't socialize normally and now I'm awkward as fucking well that's not true this podcast has helped me a lot I can tell I'm a lot I'm a lot slower excuse me this podcast has helped me with my communication and conversations with people because I find that I'm a lot slower and I'm a better listener now and I know it's one-sided like I know I just get on here and fucking go off alone and talk to myself but I I don't know I can't explain like when I'm in person especially with my neighbors because I catch them all the time we talk like I don't know I just feel more present I think that just might be a symptom of I don't know the time like just I'm growing up and whatever um I'm not skittish that's my biggest pet peeve with people now because of phone addiction

and constant like just instant gratification everything and everyone's like a little zombified version of themselves now my number one annoyance in conversation is people that are that hurry the conversation along they uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh the whole time yep yep yep they just like keep saying yeah they nod their head yeah they're not really listening like that fucking drives me nuts and then or they guess what you're trying to say next and they try to complete your sentence because they're so like their brains are so everything's quick quick quick short attention spans and it's just so bad it's so bad so my brain works really fucking fast and I know that because the podcast and how fast I talk on here and how much I can come up with like

random ideas without stopping for an hour plus every single day of the week um but in real life like I do I notice that I'm everything about me slow and that's hot like here's another tip so don't talk don't be skittish when you talk to people but every when you're when you're out in public man just be slow take deep breaths smell the roses like just chill out I feel like a lot of people are in a hurry and it's just it's so sexy to be slow now be that person who's like uncomfortably walking slow in public because they're just enjoying life and taking in the scene taking in the surroundings I do that every day when I walk Jimmy I'm like observing every bush every tree every patch of grass like I'm really trying to be in the moment more

more than ever now and just my body movements is like have become they've become so slow because i don't know probably yoga honestly i podcast 70s a week i do yoga 70s a week um i don't know i think it's helping my brain too i just feel like a lot more i don't know yoga's great for everything body mind and soul and i'll say this i finished like an hour ago um my yoga class i do everything online i don't like go i don't have a yoga studio I'm not I'm not a member of the studio right now but um um there's there was a point back in 2018 when I started doing hot yoga I did it straight for six months before I moved to San Diego and I like it changed my life and then I stopped it's like my biggest regret in

like my 20s so far it's like Jacqueline why'd you fucking stop doing yoga like you should have stuck with it um anyways I remember a point in time back then where there was like a class I took for my favorite instructor um what's his name Zach and shout out Zach he was like honestly like if he were I feel like if he recorded I don't know if he has videos of his classes but I would pay for that shit it was so good but I remember one class where all of a sudden everything in my body worked my breathing worked perfectly my strength to weight ratio was finally like really good I could do every single chaturanga I could like hold myself up in every pose my I got my splits on both sides like everything was perfect and that happened today like I felt it again

and it's taken me a while to work up to this point but now it's exciting because now every time I get on my mat I'm like okay I feel like I'm a machine it's kind of like when you do oh shit I just hit my funny bone um am I annoying tonight I just feel like this is annoying I have been I've been annoying I've been annoying oh shit that hurt um what was I saying fucking oh it's like when you're um what's a good comparison I guess you could compare this to ice skating. When you first put on the ice skates and get on, get out on the ice, you're like wobbly. You can't really go hard and like skate far without falling on your ass. And you can't really do much. But then after you're on the rink for like an hour or so, like once you really start

working in, working in your skates and getting in the groove, you're like a ballerina all of a sudden. Like that's how I feel. It's kind of like that with yoga. Like you're stiff and awkward for a little while and then once you get it you flow with it and it's it's just like a dance it's a meditation it's a dance it's a fucking and there's so many intrusive thoughts I get like during yoga every single class I take and I've been doing it straight since November 2020 um everything I do now is like I do it every day and I've been doing it since this date it's just my new life lifestyle like podcasting september 4th haven't stopped since yoga november so jesus um what was i saying oh every time i'm doing a class i have a thought in my head that happens where i'm like

jacqueline your ass is getting flat jacqueline you should stop doing the yoga thing you should go to the gym and like lift weights like what are you fucking doing doing yoga like stop this stop this that's it that's it that's my that's the voice in my head that I used to listen to and then I would do yoga for two weeks and I'd be like oh my god my ass is getting flat and then I'd go do fucking bodybuilding workouts for a month and then I'd flip-flop and so I'm at this point now where I want to be that gray-haired 70 year old woman who's like yeah I've been doing yoga for 40 years like that I want to be that bitch because I just love the idea of sticking to something and being a professional fucking athlete at it. Whatever your sport is, whatever your workout is,

like being really, really good at it. And so that's yoga for me. And I don't know, it excites me and I've never really committed to anything this hard. And I just, it's just like, I don't know. So just funny how I'm so concerned about having a flat ass. And I'm like, dude, this big ass movement is just a, it's just a movement. It's just a trend. Okay. And I was looking at my, i don't want to talk about my body right now i'm like come on it's just like not that kind of podcast but like i don't know what my genetics are i should do a 23 and me i should figure out what my what is it called my ancestry okay i swear to god i've got like i'm white right but i have a bubble butt that i can't i don't understand how i i haven't been

doing like hip thrusts, any squat, like lunges, that kind of shit for like six months. And it's fucking still like big and perky and like bubble, like a circle. Like my butt is, I think a lot, a lot of women have like a square, not okay. People, women, men, you might, you kind of have like a square ass where like your glute is kind of flat on the back. I don't know why mine is just naturally just like, it's a perfect circle. It's like you cut that, it's like you take a sphere and cut it in half you put that on the back of my ass like that is what I have and I was looking today in the mirror because I have a mirror in my where I do yoga and I was like how is this possible for just doing yoga is this I don't know I'm strong I my glutes are strong I

guess it's from standing and holding the pose for you know my muscles are um I'm maintaining the the muscles I've built because I did uh you guys I think back in September when I yeah I remember when I okay remember remember when I did um I was going to the gym every morning and then I would get back from the gym and podcast and I would tell you guys all about like the hot um what was it what did I call him I used to call him something the hot flight attendant no I I he wasn't a flight attendant the um check-in the the front desk guy I used to tell stories about him and like I used to tell gym stories back when I was going because California was weird it like shut down reopened then immediately shut down and then there was like outdoor only and then

it opened back up with lower capacity I don't know it was all it was a clusterfuck and I just I went back for a month a month in like September-ish and I was dead lifting like two fucking 45 pound plates or no I could do what's what's 45 45 and then a 25 that was my deadlift I worked up to yeah and I was like lifting heavy as shit um getting back at it and then I think it locked down again or it was like outdoor only and then I said fuck it I'm not going but I just got pissed and so then I think I'm still holding on to that muscle mass but okay Jimmy he has to shit I know he does and here's the thing I feel really bad what do you think he thinks about this I took his bells his doorbells away from him because he would just

play with it and swat it all day and it was driving me nuts like I couldn't get any work done I couldn't do anything and he knew like he would still use it when he when he needed to go outside but anyways he would play with it so i took it away and i wonder what he thinks about that because now what he does is he jumps up at the door like where the bells used to be and i can just tell by his movements now that he has to shit like it's just the way he he starts like running in circles a little bit or like i can't describe it's his body language and i don't know so i should probably end the podcast i'm still like wondering I don't know lately I've been I feel like the 200s because what am I gonna do a year of podcasting

I'm gonna do 30 years of podcasting I may be one of those fucking people not only am I gonna be gray-haired uh I'm gonna be gray-haired 70 year old doing yoga or whatever um actually I'm gonna dye my hair let's be honest I'm gonna dye my hair blonde forever but I'm gonna do a podcast what was I saying god damn it oh the 200s oh I'm in a podcast for a year but I feel like the 200s that I'm in right now are kind of a how do I describe the way I feel lately um they're no prep top of the brain stream of consciousness um like literally no notes I just turn on the microphone and that's kind of a a cop-out on my end I feel kind of bad about it but um also I don't care I mean I just feel like it's a challenge it's a challenge I'm like okay

well what can I come up with without preparing for the show and here we are are we an hour in yet I don't know I was gonna open my old podcast notes um holy shit what's this debate cast national coffee day episode 26 um wait a minute this is kind of funny i should wait sorry this is an intermission it got really quiet because i'm reading the old notes um episode 40 first thing i wrote my stream of consciousness my stream of consciousness is is insane um this headset makes me look like a football coach uh I feel like I'm trying to be impressive okay

this is a modern approach to your career in a work week 2020 turned everything upside down and a nine to five Monday through Friday doesn't matter anymore okay I don't know I probably went on a tangent about that this is episode 40 my screen time was down that day or that week i wrote wake up and do what you love every day whatever that is and you'll be happy okay obvious cliche episode 45 how the fuck do we end homelessness i wrote i feel like a five-year-old again um, oh, I wrote something here that I, I actually, like, have a new perspective on,

so I wrote, I truly know what it means now to not care what other people think, um, this feels free, I feel like I'm actually living now, yeah, I kind of, like, finally had that fuck it epiphany, where, I don't know, the show, like, got me out of my shell, and I just started just saying it like it is, you know, doing what I do here now. And for the longest time, I was definitely in my head worrying about what other people thought of me, which I think is a common, it's just, it's a common thing we all do at some point, or maybe not all of us, but I think the, so I'm going to take that a step further. It's like not caring what people think. it's not not caring what people think it's realizing that no one's thinking about you

that's the difference like when people are like oh I don't care what people think about me it's like they're not even thinking about you in the first place and I think once you have that realization you'll be like oh okay everyone's thinking about themselves so whenever you're I don't know in public or whenever you're on your podcast talking or whenever you're you know doing anything everyone's just thinking about them everyone's thinking about themselves think about your put yourself in your own head right now you're thinking about yourself no one's sitting there with a fucking microscope looking at me going oh my god and she did this and she said that and holy shit like no one's doing that and so once you realize that's just me but if you once

you realize that about yourself like literally no one's doing that then you'll feel free you'll feel like a release of okay I can just do whatever the fuck I want and and just make yourself happy that's what matters just be just do what make do what makes you happy and I remember you know I'll reflect again on this because this is some shit I talked about in the past that I haven't brought up in a while I've I've heard all the cliches you know the do it makes you happy or um you know if you feel helpless get helpful like what are these cliches they're all good they're all good to know but what was the one oh yeah I was listening to Marie Forleo I think it was Marie Forleo say that or was it Gabby or um Gabby Bernstein no

it was Marie Forleo and Ed Milet something like that it was like it was one of them and I think she said that she was like lost she didn't know what she wanted to do with her life and she asked God to like give her a sign or whatever and then one day she saw the sign and then she latched on to that and she stuck with it and that's what she's still doing and everything worked out or something like that but she it like came to her and it like all the stars aligned and there she was she found her thing that's kind of how I felt immediately with podcasting and I haven't mentioned this mentioned this in a while but I definitely struggled for the longest time when I heard people say stuff like that I was like what are they oh Jesus like when is

gonna happen for me like when am I gonna figure it out like when am I gonna like when is anything gonna make sense for me and make and feel right and not like I'm patchworking my career together and my hobbies together in this way that just feels like I'm throwing a bunch of shit at a wall and trying to make stuff work that doesn't it nothing felt like a glove with me and this immediately did and I think that's when you're like okay like that's when I think people say they know that when they found their passion they just knew it's like this instinctual thing because I definitely felt that I mean it was like a drug I swear to god like I it's psychotic how much I love the sound of my own voice like what the fuck is this

I joked about that I'm like no podcast host admits that no podcast host is like yeah I can hear the monitoring in my ears and I kind of like that it kind of makes the experience of as a podcast podcast host um kind of fun and you're like oh I'm like listening to myself talk because like you hear it in your headphones and some people don't wear headphones so that's that's a thing but um and I realize like podcasters when they interview people like rely on the headphones and the monitoring so no one talks over each other because you can you can hear when someone everyone's like in each other's ears so anyways um I'm kind of joking about that but I feel like I'm, um, I've always been a word person or a writer, um, journaler. You all know about my

fucking document I compiled with like everything I've ever written since I was 18. I haven't brought that up in a minute. Actually I should, I should reopen that. Um, I haven't even thought about that in like two months. So yeah, I feel like podcasting is a great, a great way for me to be creative with my words and get my shit out I have so much I have a lot to fucking say and I feel like with um 2020 at the end of it there when I started podcasting it was fun because of the election and all the drama and I would get on here and bitch and it was just like a good time and now I'm kind of coasting I'm kind of coasting like all my um all my life shit's pretty routine lately. It's kind of all the same. It's good. It's really good. Um, I'm finally adjusted to my

puppy. He's completely, you know, he's not completely trained, but he's trained to the point where I can like, I can leave and go to the store or go and run an errand today. I don't have to be, he can like stay in his crate. Um, so that's nice. Yeah, here it is. Holy shit. I even have like on this I have my old um like fucking what's it called uh college essays oh god job cover letters oh my god I've been through it like you know when I said I came here with a bunch of like the first year of San Diego or like when I first came here it was like great rock star lifestyle a lot going on lots of social activities and friends and shit and then like it was such a struggle I was working I don't think I've ever told this story I was literally working

at 5 a.m at a coffee shop and then I get off that job and go host at a restaurant and I did that like every day and I would like change in the car and do my makeup in the car it was such a it was such a clusterfuck and that was really temporary that was like for like three months but I don't know it was dude guys I've been through so much like crazy shit I have I don't even think I've told you guys I kind of blacked out that or blocked that time out because I was coming off of something really heavy and I just was like trying to survive I was in survival mode for like a year of trying to figure my shit out and try like when I opened this document thing up I saw cover letters I'm like I threw so much

I threw so many resumes out there cover letters I did so many interviews and a lot of it wasn't working out like I did so I had so many amazing interviews and it was like the first time ever where um they I wasn't picked I wasn't picked for the job and I was like holy shit I've never had that like I've literally said oh I'm lucky I always get the job I apply for and like or people are like they want me to work for them that's a thing that's what I've always prided myself like wait, there's nothing better than when like someone approaches you because they want you to work for them. Like that is the ultimate. So anyways, when I, I just struggled for, for a whole year with like landing anything. And then even, even the job I got before COVID hit

and I lost it, like even that wasn't quite the right fit. Like it was fun, but it wasn't like, i just felt like i was still piecing shit together um and now finally what i'm doing now it i feel like i finally found something that's complete it's completely in alignment with what i should be doing fuck i got my degree in pr i'm doing pr um my parents love that i'm like look i'm using my degree okay i'm using my college degree um but it's also fun like it's a good it's a good fit right now. And then podcasting, obviously, you know? Um, oh shit. I wrote, what do I feel when I, what, when do I feel the most excited slash alive? I wrote a list here and one of them is so secret. Like I can't even say it out loud. Um, I think I've read some of this before. I'm

sorry I'm reading my document of all the shit I've ever written ever because I used to have notes on my phone so I took my iPhone notes from every iPhone I've had all the random like journal entries I've written on documents on my computer and I put them on one thing um and sometimes I read from this oh yeah when I was trying to rebrand I like did a brand aesthetic list here like how I wanted it to look I put fucking bubble letters on there I was like I want to be like I want to do like an early 2000s vibe which is trending now now it's like full force but

I wanted to do like handwritten bubble letters and like pirate vibe okay I don't even know what any of this is um my lifestyle yeah that's another thing a consistent theme I carry through the shows I'm always like do what works for you don't look to other people on the internet for answers like if everyone looked within and listened to their intuition they would know what to do and I think a lot of times you go on the internet people over complicate shit that doesn't need to be over complicated or over overanalyze or overstudy or over conceptualize or everything's just like hashed out and over

and beat to death where it's like why did we even need to deconstruct this in the first place it's like what do I always say I'm like my parents taught me my morning routine when I was two like wake up brush your teeth shower brush your hair like eat a breakfast work get your work done like, do your chores, go to bed on time, like, I don't know, and then now it's, like, scientific, it's religious, it's, God forbid you don't do this step of, like, wake up and meditate for 20 minutes, like, I literally hear people say, and do what works for you, like, I'm not judging this, I'm just saying, like, I'm fascinated by this, they, like, sit up first thing in the morning on their bed like off their pillow they're just like they do a sit up and for 20 minutes they sit

there and meditate and I'm like cool like great but I wonder how many people would hear that that person did that and then they try it and then when that doesn't work for them they feel bad about themselves because they're like why can't I sit and meditate and focus on my thoughts or like or like release my thoughts for you know I don't know I got I got inundated for so long with all these like methods of like I don't even know all these routines and like gratitude journaling breath work cold plunge cold shower um headspace fucking deep breathing grounding go outside barefoot bitch first thing in the morning oh aubrey marcus told me to drink water pinch of sea salt no spring water pinch of sea salt go outside take your shirt off get as much sunlight on your body

first thing in the morning and i watched like an instagram video of him demonstrating that and i was like this seems so cool and then like i was trying to do that and i was also vegan because i also drank that that kool-aid for three years you know what i mean so i've done all this shit And I'm like, at the end of the day, back to what I was saying, I almost do none of it now. And I just do what I've always done that works for me. I wake up. I do my own bathroom skincare routine that's mine that I don't tell anyone about. Okay.

I drink water. I don't do the lemon water thing. I drink coffee, how I like it. Okay. um you know I just do my own thing and it feels good because I'm not I don't know oh my god there's fucking books around this stuff now there's so many books out there and there's people like coaching other people how to do these routines and live these lifestyles and I'm like I don't know does anyone else out there get annoyed by it or they're just maxed out of it

I think that's what, I feel like we've beat, it's like, okay, this era needs to, needs to, it needs to close down. I guess it's like the wellness, self-improvement era. Anyways. I have mental privilege. What the fuck? Oh, I think this is some Gary V shit I wrote down. he said that mental privilege is the number one advantage in society in society right now

like if you have good mental health if you like yourself in a society in a world where most people hate themselves and are trying to fix themselves and improve themselves if you actually like yourself and you're happy you have an advantage which I believe is true and not to flex but like I I do feel like I finally not to I don't even know it's not even a flex it's just like wow congratulations Jacqueline we're proud of you like that's amazing good for you I think we should all cheer each other on I can like sit here and feel it in my body right now that I'm actually fucking happy and like good and you know speaking of that I watch so many podcasts you guys know I I'm a nerd about it and I I go on YouTube and I watch people literally just sit in a boring

ass studio and like stare at each other and like there's like a microphone and a curtain behind them yeah anyways I was watching um Paris Hilton Paris Hilton and Whitney Cummings on her latest episode and Whitney was like towards the end of it she's like you're good like normally I recommend people go to therapy or like I think they need therapy and they need to work on themselves she's like no Paris you're good and I was like that's it like that's that's it and I don't I don't think I'm there yet okay I don't I still think there's a lot of unhealed shit I need to heal or whatever they and I don't even understand that there's things I'm probably I'm probably doing now that are a result of childhood trauma which I have a lot of and I

don't even know how to unpack it or start or like I don't even know what to look for I don't even know what I'm doing that would be because I gauge things well okay wait if I'm happy if I have my shit together and I like myself isn't aren't I good but then I'm like well I should because I guess this is the should thing that social media makes you fucking start doing to yourself well I know I have trauma and because of that I should be in front of a therapist once a week and I should be unpacking it and I should be like but I don't know I've had so many like I'm so tight with all my family members on both sides I've talked it out multiple thousands of times with everyone at this point I'm so moved on from the past and what I grew up in and you know I always

talk wonderfully about my childhood and I really still like that's how my brain thinks about I'm like I don't have like I was talking to my hairstylist about a month ago and she was telling me how she like doesn't have any memories from childhood because of how traumatic it was and I was like shit I probably had it so much better than I think I did or whatever like no I think I had it good but like I had I had um what's it called patches of like bad shit but overall I think about I think about childhood in a very positive way I always think about the sweet times and I get on the podcast every other day here and I reminisce and I talk about like shit i did when i was a kid with my family and like the trips we go on and the fun things we

would do and the activities and um that's truly how i remember it so i'm like i don't know if i'm that traumatized i'm pretty i'm pretty good like let me read i don't know this again this is a stream of consciousness podcast i feel like i went on 50 tangent 50 tangents um how do you know if you need to heal inner child no I hear all these things

like what your inner child eight tips for healing how do you know if how do I know if my inner child is wounded like how do I heal my inner self I want to know about trauma

how to know if you have trauma I guess like okay suffering from severe fear this is top of google so i googled how do you know if you have trauma and this is just google okay talk to your doctor this is not i'm not a professional here this is just what fucking google says and i'm not trying to diagnose myself i'm just curious about like i'm curious about my behavior and i'm i'm trying to think like if i'm trying to figure out if i'm missing something because i feel good like i feel fine but i'm like what am i missing something should I be oh wait Jacqueline Jacqueline you don't have any friends you don't have any friends you got problems girl there's a problem with that it's a red flag you don't have friends

thought I'd kind of explain that though um all right so what does Tim Dillon always say friends are overrated he said some shit like that recently um and I also mentioned how my experience like sometimes it can be messy and chaotic and it's just like not helpful um or like it can be obnoxious to be around obnoxious people sometimes or what is it called draining I don't know Jacqueline has I've been I've not you know I don't have I don't I've been found the right people okay okay okay um I got my whole life to find friends I'm not worried about it I'm working I'm where I'm grinding right now I feel good about what I'm doing Jacqueline reframe reframe be positive okay here we go google how do you know if you have trauma suffering from

severe fear anxiety or depression unable to form close satisfying relationships experiencing terrifying memories nightmares or flashbacks avoiding more and more avoiding more and more anything that reminds you of the trauma so depression is the only thing i've struggled with but i feel like i don't anymore um i really you know what every day here's the thing about depression depression i fucking did it to myself it's literally situation anytime anytime i've been depressed it was situational and I was literally doing it to myself and creating my own hell and I think it got pretty bad last year obviously I've talked about a lot but

I think at the end of the day um I wasn't um I'm not like always depressed like I don't have I don't just think like or anxiety and fear I literally don't get anxious about another thing I'm blessed blessed with is like nothing fucking worries me or freaks me out I'm trying to think of something that does like honestly the only thing now is okay I have a puppy and I don't want him to die so I'm like really worried when we when we cross the street I'm like really worried that he's gonna get hit by a car you know what I mean like you know that's my fear and anxiety now but I don't have, I don't just sit and stew and, like, get anxious about shit almost ever. Anyways.

People may experience, wait, let's just, like, keep unpacking this. Maybe this will help you to figure out if you have trauma. I mean, everyone has their own, everyone has shit. Symptoms of psychological trauma. Shock, denial, or disbelief. so here's what I'll say okay let me just tell you about my life story here I grew up as a middle child in a uh two-parent home like my parents were together and my trauma I'm not going to tell you what it was but it wasn't um like I've never been physically abused I'll just say that

like if you're wondering about like okay no no physical anything it was more like I think the typical like parents fighting thing but there's some there's some layers involved there okay and then also I don't know if it's trauma but my parents got divorced when I was 20 that was a very unexpected out of the blue type of divorce um situation that so that happened when I was 20 and then so those are my traumas like chaotic household growing up divorce at 20 and then fucking what was the third thing oh I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship um like two years three years ago that stripped me of my soul and I lost my identity and I fucking had no idea about setting boundaries I had no I didn't understand self-worth and none of that and

so I feel like that's pretty much back to normal now like I figured that shit out pretty quickly I was like okay I just want everything the opposite of that in a man like okay now I know what the red flags are now I know um like what to like now I see it in people so that was a great I took that a giant lesson away from that man. But, um, so that was positive. Honestly, I feel like better off because of it in a weird way. Um, but I didn't know what I didn't know. And that's life. There's always, I feel like no matter what you go through, there's always a lesson you can take away from it. So I try to keep, keep it positive. Um, but yeah, I guess that's it. But okay, here we go. Symptoms of psychological trauma, again, anxiety and fear.

I don't have it anger irritability and mood swings no only if I feel misunderstood I get pissed the fuck off if I feel misunderstood and and that's normally with like family members where we're just not on the same page and I get really frustrated about it because I feel like when your family doesn't get you it's so frustrating and it's so like I just I don't know I think it's part of when you grow up and you everyone moves away and you come back together and fight it's like nobody you're you're not as close as you used to be and so and everyone's changed a little bit and I feel like that's the only time I really get like pissed I'm like god damn it like what you know and I've struggled with that a little bit but um I think I've said

every fucking time I've mentioned like blow-ups and family fights I'm always like we always come back together and sit around and have coffee the next morning and we all talk it out we're all like you know what you're right I was being mean or blah blah like we're always good that's why that's what I love about love about my family it's never like forever um no one cuts it no one cuts anyone off forever and we have no like ill no one like hates each other like like me and my sister are in a pretty bad fight and I felt so bad I like gave her my favorite pair of shorts immediately after I was like I'm gonna gift you these immediately I felt so bad I was like these are literally my favorite jeans jeans shorts for summer and I know you you fucking love them because

every time you've hung out with me you want to wear them and you want you want to like keep them and so after that fight I felt so bad I was just like here's some shorts like anyways um symptoms of trauma in adults uh panic attacks i don't have those anxiety anxiety anger unresponsiveness emotional outbursts or depression i don't know why i'm even trying to unpack this right now what do you guys sense go go diagnose me in a dm let me fucking know is anyone out there a psychotherapist a psychiatrist I mean I don't know why do I feel like you know it's the world

that makes you feel like you have something wrong with you that's what it is that's the only reason I even feel compelled to look this shit up it's like okay everything in my life is literally good other than my social life which I've confessed about and I'm working on and I'm aware of it so I want to work on it and change it um like literally everything's good so I'm like well what can I fix my fixer am I trying to like fix myself up that and I don't need to I'm happy-go-lucky I wake up I like myself I'm I have a hobby that I'm passionate about I have a job I love I have people in my life I love I have a puppy I love I have the cutest fucking apartment ever I live in San Diego it's always sunny here um it's summer 2021 summer 2021 is going to be

hot girl summer and it's going to be the roaring 20s um Donald Trump is not our president did I just change anyone's minds Reese okay never mind I used to talk about Trump a lot um it's been a while Um, what else is positive? I'm doing my gratitude journal right now. This is my audio diary. I'm, I'm writing my, I'm talking out my things that are positive in my life. Literally everything's good. Um, everything's healthy, positive. Uh, shit. I'm like, what do I, I don't know. And I just, I've realized, you know, maybe my other blessing is I realized the point in life is not to suffer you don't like you can I was I literally used to make my life a living hell

and I would suffer in my thoughts and now I go okay I don't have to do that it's a choice I'm choosing to do that so instead I'm like okay well if I don't think about how much I hate myself all day long then that leaves a lot of room to have fun and I'm so fucking cool and chill and an accepting of like those times of the day where I'm just on my ass staring at my phone on TikTok for multiple hours before bed and I've confessed how you know Jacqueline feels tired at 10 30 p.m and she's still on TikTok at one like I know that's unhealthy but when I do that I'm like this is life I'm having fun this is entertaining as shit I'm a millennial this is 2021 this is it bitch this is so cool I'm learning so much cool shit on TikTok I'm having fun these videos are

hilarious like I laugh my ass off on TikTok so hard I don't even understand it's so crazy how many funny videos I see on there but that's an example of like fuck it I'm just alive and I'm experiencing this life and I'm having fun. And, um, even how I was saying earlier, I moved slow and I'm smelling the roses now and I'm soaking in the sun and I'm soaking in my environment. I'm soaking in the conversations with my neighbors. I'm just, everything's like full and good. I'm ready. I'm ready for love. I think that's my heart is full and now if you can't love yourself no one else will well i feel like i'm there and so it's time jacqueline's ready saddle up bitches

saddle up uh i mean you know what this is crazy i'm not i'm not gonna get emo right now but this podcast changed my life straight up because and 2020 and my whole the whole situation I was in changed my life because I literally didn't know who like I have I was so fucking lost coming out of that 2019 like that relationship that job that whole situation and you know I was in San Diego alone I was just like so lost and now I feel like I've put in so much time like mental time with myself and I put in so much work on this on this podcast with myself and I just feel like I figured a lot of stuff out I figured a lot of stuff out that I think beforehand I was

suppressing or I wasn't aware of because I wasn't talking it out I wasn't thinking about it I wasn't I wasn't looking within enough I was whatever I was just kind of getting caught up in the world events of my and the events of my life and um I'm sure a lot of you realized in 2020 when shit got locked down that like going out and being around a lot of people and filling your life up with a lot of um action all the time was a distraction it was distracting you from yourself and then when you were alone and you're stripped of all that you were like oh fuck I'm depressed or oh I don't really I'm not happy now because I don't have all that anymore and so I realized that fucking hard and I was like okay well figure it out bitch it's you and

only you the end of the day it's just you world shut down you got this apartment figure it figure it the fuck out and it took a while but I one day hooked a mic up and here I am so hallelujah hallelujah jesus christ god damn what's this what's the phrase guys i could sing my favorite church song right now my mom's like every time we hear this at church she's like she's so cute she's like play this at my funeral play this at my funeral i want this played at my funeral and it goes it goes like this and he will raise you up on eagle's wings bear you on the breath of dawn make you to shine like

the sun and hold you in the palms just perked up of his hands why does he swat his hands in the air so much I'm looking at my puppy yeah my mom's really and she gets sentimental or like I don't even understand her sometimes but like a certain song will come on the radio or she'll hear a song she's like play this at my funeral Jesus you know what I used to say remember what I used to say when I die when I die pickle me fucking pickle me in a pickle jar who does that put me on display in a life-size or human-size pickle jar and pickle my ass I want to be a sweet and sour what's a good combo what kind of be what kind of juice could I be pickled in

I want to be a kosher I want to be a bread and butter chip those are so fucking good you know what i hate about social media or just um the wellness culture whatever it's called the diet culture is once i found out about corn syrup everything that i loved in this life fucking changed because i used to go to my grandpa's house and he would have bread and butter sandwich pickles or whatever in his fridge the vlasic ones with a little stork on it like it's the the blue jar or the blue the blue label and now I'm aware that that first ingredient is high fructose corn syrup and I don't even fucking touch it I don't even get close to anything like literally same with like sweet baby rays barbecue sauce like there's so many things

for my childhood that I just don't fuck with anymore because I know about high fructose corn syrup and that sucks but and you can't you can't make the same taste without it so some days I'm And like, like I was in grocery outlet the other day and I was like, I saw the bread and butter chips and I, I just like slightly turned the label and I was like, God damn it. Why does it have to be fucking corn syrup? I want them so bad. I should just buy them and say, fuck it.

I mean, think about all the trash food I put in my body, like here and there, like pints of ice cream and fucking Chick-fil-A. Actually, I haven't had that in so long. Um, you know what I mean? Like, you know, I'll eat chemicals other ways, but I won't buy myself a goddamn pickle jar where, like, one pickle is, like, nothing, you know, so. It's Friday night, she's sitting in her, sitting alone, drinking a LaCroix. Let me tell you this, this is how tonight's going to go. I'm going to mop my floors.

uh i daily mop now because i have a puppy and he sheds well it's not so much that it's just like the little crumbs are really annoying um so anyways yeah i have to like sweep up the crumbs and i'm gonna make my coffee for tomorrow morning i'd like to make it the night before so then it's ready in the morning and then i'm gonna shower i have to wash my hair tonight so that's a whole fucking thing i'm gonna just braid it and sleep with it kind of damp and then i'm liking the idea of reading before bed for 10 minutes just to like knock myself out but i i think i've declared i think i finally fucking had it with books and i'm just i just don't read books anymore i had i was in such a phase for so long reading every night before bed

I don't know like I just I feel this resistance about it right now where I'm like I like recently thought like oh I should start reading before bed again and then I just like I don't I don't even fucking want to why do I why would I put myself through that and honestly I just like doing I'll do like 10 minutes of yoga instead and I feel like that's better anyways I'll deep breathe and fucking do my froggy pose boys go look up froggy pose and see if you can do it good luck that's a great trend on tiktok oh my god my favorite new trend on tiktok is uh it's sexual just get ready for this so it's girls putting their boyfriends in all of the positions they put them in all of the like yoga positions they like they have so I guess

so the video doesn't get taken down they say it's a yoga position whatever um and it's so funny to see how like how is inflexible inflexible how not flexible guys are like when they stick their legs up they like can't even go straight and like they'll put them they'll put them on their um their backs and then they'll like stick their legs straight behind their heads and like they can't even get them like even close and it's so funny I didn't even know so that's a great trend it's like the like the rules flip and you're like okay if I was doing this to you like feel this pain feel this discomfort feel how much energy I'm exerting to like hold myself in this position like I don't know it's great I love TikTok um it's frying my brain though it's

definitely frying my brain and I still haven't figured out I think I went on a I definitely went on a tangent like a week or so ago I don't know I lose track about like what are we actually gonna do to cure social media addiction like what are we because I think now we're all just kind of like well fuck it we're here it's kind of too it's like we're too far along now or too it's too far gone it's our new life just you know like the most you can do is work on your screen screen time I guess and just like not go on your phone as much which is something I like to do like on Saturdays and Sundays I usually don't go on my phone that much it's like the one thing I actively do I just like say fuck you to my phone and I just don't I like I'm so bad though then I'll just like listen

to podcasts all day and clean my apartment like I'm still on my phone technically I'm still being distracted but yeah i just like don't know what we're gonna do you know like what are we gonna do what kind of rehab centers are they gonna start popping up for fucking social media addiction we're gonna a it's gonna be like social media a meetings but i don't know i think we're just gonna adapt and it'll be survival of the fittest the I don't know the people that can hold a conversation that can network that can that can uh the personalities the fucking um the dogs out there in this world they're gonna they're gonna rise to the top the cream always rises or whatever the fuck that saying is the cream always rises that's probably going to happen the people that

are um they're when their brains get fried by social media and they become a zombified version of a human being they're just going to wash out and that's just the way the world works it's it's a dog-eat-dog world and i think um if you're a top performer if you're a i don't know high achieving person who's self-motivated and you get after it every day i think you'll be fine with the social media addiction shit you'll just kind of like I think we're all kind of I think I feel like we're anyone who's listening right now I feel like we're similar people I don't know why I just get that sense if you're listening to this you probably relate to me in my life some way but um I feel like we're just gonna like what's it called grit our teeth and and like white knuckle

it until I don't know some sort of app comes I don't know like something comes out that'll like help us and change our brains again I don't even know like how to like think of your brain right now and put it back in 2006 how freaked out are you right now like your brain in 20 2006 would be like holy fuck uh so I'm gonna be moving this fast and having this much of a or the short of attention span in literally like how many years is that 16 17 18 19 15 years oh my god is that 50 is that 15 years ago oh my god i don't like 20 so the one thing that 2020 did to me not only did it rob one year one of my hot years out of my 20s not only did it rob that it fucking bumped me closer to 30 and then also it made me realize how because 2020

everything is so 2005 is 15 fucking years ago am I doing that math right I have to act like a dumb blonde at some point because I'm blonde now am I doing that math right yeah it's just everything's so far like everything's so far away and so in the past text from mom can you come home Memorial Day weekend I'm trying can I get my puppy on a plane um I should end this this is kind of a long episode do-do-do-do-do-do-do all right thanks for tuning in have a great day um happy friday hope you enjoy this episode uh hit that subscribe button i'm here 70s a week and head over to patreon.com slash tjms if you want to become a patron and get a shout out every

friday which i'm going to do right after this episode so stick around if you're a patron yeah if you become a patron you'll get access to my excuse i'm like burping through this sorry you'll get access to my exclusive content and my um you'll get my phone number I'll call you um I'll shout you out what did I say you'll get videos pictures and you'll get a lot of content that relates to the podcast like I say stuff on the podcast and then I post pictures and videos that back it up if that makes sense so you'll get like a behind the scenes look at my life in a cool way like that because I talk a lot about like old memories and you know so I don't know check it out patreon.com slash tjms all right hope you had a great day a great week and I hope you have

a great weekend I'll be here Saturday and Sunday but if I don't talk to you then see you Monday see you never see you next summer all right bye all right today's patreon.com slash tjms patron shout outs go to I think I have six now Ricky Jensen Trevor Garrett Eagle One Ozzy Osbourne Chris O'Hearn Richie Rich and Bronson Bloom that's seven oh I have seven okay shout out you guys shout out to you guys thank you for your support it means so much honestly I don't know I don't know how else to say thank you I want to say thank you in 15 different ways every week I do this I'm like how else can I say thank you and I don't know I just feel so grateful for you guys and appreciative of your support as always this is my passion I'm trying

my best to bring you the content every day and it means a lot that you get me or whatever you like get it and you like it and you want to support it and support my dream. So thank you times a million and hope you have a great day. I'll talk to you tomorrow. All right. Bye.