The Jacqueline Monroe Show - 270- Everything Is A Toy

Episode Date: June 3, 2021

Patreon.com/TJMS 

Hey guys, it's episode 270. Welcome back to the show! okay I just got back from my Costco run if you're following this podcast marathon journey I'm currently on right now. Um, this is episode four out of five podcasts today on my little podcast marathon. And anyways, I just went to Costco. I just bought chapsticks. I don't need, um, they're sitting next to me and they're really nice though. They have like a tint to them. I thought 1297, you get one, two, three, four, five, you get six perfect for summer. I like a nice little tinted lip balm but anyways I got Jimmy some dog food I got myself some food for the week um but yeah I have to finish strong I have two more episodes left including this one

if you're confused like Jacqueline I thought you podcast seven days a week why are you doing five in a row on one day well to answer your question thank you for asking I'm gonna sip on my crystal geyser lime sparkling water it's not ideal that this is room temp but I just pulled it out of the package from Costco um I've missed it I haven't had a sparkling water in a while so here we are here we go I went to Washington not DC Washington state to see my family for Memorial Day weekend and I got behind I got behind also last week like I was already behind when I showed up at Washington to Washington in Washington. I was already behind from that last week because I had other stuff

going on in the background that was like making it hard for me to podcast every day. And then I did some at my mom's house to catch up. And then now I'm back in San Diego catching up from being at my mom's house. It's just a whole thing. So anyways, today is the final stretch of my podcast marathon. Thank you for being here. Thank you for putting up with my BS. Nobody cares about like here's the thing my unique proposition no what makes what makes me unique why does listening to a podcast seven days a week uh what what am I trying to say uh sometimes I bring you along the behind the scenes of my podcast like that and I tell you exactly what's going on I'm not going to sit here and lie to you that it's Tuesday when it's actually Wednesday and actually

I need to cut to the chase I need to talk about my Tuesday travel day back to San Diego that's what this episode is all about. Let's just get into it. At 3am, my mom comes home. She had to stay over at a place for a certain reason. And I don't want to get into it. But anyway, she had to like drive back home to get me to pick me up at the airport, or to pick me up to drive to the airport down to Seattle, which is about an hour drive from where we live. And yeah, 3am. I'm bright-eyed and bushy-tailed ready to go to the airport I'd packed the night before I like to set everything out it's like super like if I was blind I would be able to figure out well how would I explain this I set everything out super methodically so that when I wake up in the

middle of the night to go to the airport it's it's like easy or I sleep in my airport outfit so I had my shoes and my socks inside of my shoes I had my leggings above that like I literally stack it like a sandwich my outfit shoes on the bottom followed by socks fold my leggings on top of my shoes and socks fold my tank top I just wear like a black I wear black leggings black tank top and then my Patagonia puffer on top of that so it's like a little sandwich so that it's all in one pile. It's all right there. I know you could lay it out all cute. I don't know. I just do this. I'm it's one of my, I don't know. It's like a quirk. I don't fucking know. So I had that and my suitcases. Oh, Jimmy, he was in Washington with me on vacation. He met the whole family.

He met all my relatives. He got to run free in the fields at my mom's house and go on long, long walks uh in the countryside with me anyways I had to get him and he's shell-shocked of course it's like why are you waking me up at three in the morning what are we doing then he saw the crate then he knew um yeah so we put it in the jeep we uh I'm I'm so brain dead sorry I've done four this is fourth podcast, and I just had stimulation at Costco, uh, too much stimulation, it was, like, here's, here's the thing, I went to Costco on a Wednesday at, like, I didn't even know what time, like, midday, and I'm thinking, oh, yeah, it's Wednesday, like, oh, yeah, it won't be busy, busiest day, like, I've, I could, I thought it was Sunday or Saturday, like, it was stupid,

So anyways, um, I'm trying to tell you that we put the crate in the Jeep. Then I shoved Jimmy in it for like two seconds and I'm like, wait, we're driving an hour. Why doesn't he just sit on my, you know, lap? Why doesn't he just sit with me the whole drive down? So I did that. And my mom and I, we had a great talk the whole way down just about shit, gossip, hot gossip going on. Um, I don't know.

We have like, we had like the best conversations this trip, my mom and I. We both drank her favorite drink. It's called Spark, S-P-A-R-K, Spark. It's a powder you mix with water, and it's an energy powder. Probably not, I don't know. It's got, like, minerals and vitamins. It's kind of one of those, like, fitness brand drinks that's, like, not, it's not pre-workout. it's like a alternative to coffee that has like energy in it somehow caffeine

so we both drank some of that on the way down because guys get this the biggest scam of the weekend the biggest scam of the weekend at my mom's house was this it was like Sunday morning I had been there since Thursday and my sister tells me that the whole time there's been decaf beans in my mom's espresso machine this entire time and she used up the last caffeine beans so here I am drinking coffee all weekend thinking I'm drinking coffee nothing's happening I'm not physically my physiology is not changing I'm not feeling anything and she's like sorry to fuck with you guys but this is decaf we have no more espresso beans I took the last espresso beans that was the biggest scam of the

weekend so I immediately was like fuck this I'm drinking the spark it has caffeine in it that's my only choice and then I would like sip on the decaf throughout the day just for fun because it actually tasted really good they got it at the local co-op or something little grocery store and uh Jimmy's eating a kombucha box an empty one whatever you can make he'll make a toy out of anything including my fingers my fingers have been in his mouth I mean like it's getting to the point now where I'm I'm shutting down the nipping and the biting a hundred percent so he doesn't continue to do it but like I don't know my fingers are fucked if you look closely I have so many little scars they'll go away they'll fade but anyways um yeah so the scam the coffee scam that

was kind of annoying but anyways I'm trying to tell you at like three in the morning my mom were driving down to the airport. I had an early flight. Oh, here's the thing. I don't argue with my mom about what time to get to the airport. No matter what, she always gets me there two hours ahead of time. Now I'm a fly by the seat of my pants type of chick at the airport. If you listen to the podcast called, I think I named it Little Jimmy Big Plane, where I told you guys about flying to Washington from San Diego and taking Jimmy on the plane in the cargo section or like putting him in the cargo and transporting him that way because airlines are not doing ESA anymore you can't get an emotional support animal certificate or whatever my doctor denied it

she like wouldn't give it to me so I had to ship him under the plane so I did an entire podcast about that called little Jimmy big world or big excuse me big plane now that in that episode I revealed that I had, I was in the bathroom taking selfies in the laminate, excuse me, not the laminate, the stainless steel stall for a little bit too long after I stood in line for like 15 minutes and got drinking or getting my iced coffee before the flight. I stood in there a little bit too long taking selfies of myself inside of bathroom stall to the point where I was getting my name called on the loudspeaker because I was late for my flight. And they were like, where is she gate 21 bitch get Jacqueline Monroe report to gate 21 and that's that's how I roll when it

comes to flights and I live close to an airport here I honestly get there like 30 minutes but most of the time I I don't know so anyways we had to leave it if you're like why three in the morning you had a flight at seven what's going on um it takes an hour to drive there it was post memorial day weekend people are probably traveling we just didn't want to risk it and I had a puppy I had to get them through the airport on a flatbed little push cart thing, get them through security, get them through all that. So we both sat there in the moonlight. I think the moon was out that time of the morning, drank our spark. I think it was watermelon flavored in our little dinky water bottles that have been pure, excuse me, that have been, I'm closing my eyes right now

because i'm so i'm tired uh we these water bottles that we drink spark out of in our household have been like permanently stained pink from the watermelon dye or whatever the beetroot dye because it's a natural what am i saying it's a natural energy drink stained blood bath uh blooded by fucking this is a glitch I am malfunctioning instead of using red 32

lake 20 or whatever those food dyes are that give you cancer this spark shit has it's colored with beets that's what I'm trying to say the reason I'm saying this is because the water bottles are always stained

in the household from the shit So I don't know. I thought it was worth mentioning. Let me take a drink. So, so underwhelming drinking a lukewarm sparkling water. Like it might as well be piss. This sucks. Um, drops me off at the airport. I got a crate in the back. I got a big ass suitcase to check and I got a little carry on. I didn't bring a purse. I went light. I didn't bring a purse we show up it's a zoo everyone's traveling in the morning back home from the weekend I'm like all right I'm a one-woman show I got a crate that's huge I got a dog I got a I got two suitcases I need a I need a cart to lug this around so I I dick around with

a little like you know rent a cart thing it wasn't that something was messed up and I couldn't get it out and it wasn't like reading our card and we didn't have any cash or whatever so I was just like fuck this so I went in and I and I um I walk in SeaTac Seattle Tacoma International Airport and literally right at the literally literally right in front of the sliding doors when you walk in is a there there's like a group of 10 dudes sitting sitting I'm enunciating my tea I don't know why I just did that sitting on a conveyor belt thing where you check baggage and shit and they're all wearing bright yellow vests like they work there and then next to them so there's like 10 guys staring at me not like they're looking at me I'm just saying like that's

the first thing you see when you walk in the airport right I'm trying to paint a picture then off to their right their right my left you really need to know that detail um very important I mentioned that their right my left are push carts like Costco where there's like a flatbed thing with wheels and you got a handle on it. Right. And if you rewind back to the little Jimmy big plane episode, when I showed up at the airport, initially, there was a guy out there with one of those carts helping people and he helped me with my crate. So I, I saw that and I go, I need it. Right. And they're literally on their fucking phones sitting back. It's like their shift hadn't started yet or something like 10 dudes in the yellow vest like they work there

next to these carts like that was their job you know like that's those are their carts and I go hey do you mind if I use one of these is that okay I got a dog in a crate and it'll be quick I just got to get him to the check-in booth um because my it's a it's I got a two pieces of luggage and a crate right my mom's in the jeep she's up at the rivals whatever or departures or whatever and she's got to drive out she can't just like come in and stop her car and everything so they're like uh no you gotta rent one of those push carts those little like three three-wheeler carts you gotta go rent one of those and i said i i tried and it's not working and they're like sorry and I'm like I was like all right I kind of just had to like get firm and I was like

so what are these for I asked them that they're like all right we got they like immediately saw that I wasn't gonna just say I wasn't gonna accept that answer so this nice guy probably one of the new kids on the block at the fucking airport he looked like a young a young like it was his first week at the at the job type type dude Jimmy is eating a paper towel this is not this is a problem whatever um everything's a toy paper towel is a toy what did I say my hand is a toy so he's like because I was literally like what are these for then can I you know what are these for and they didn't have an answer they just said okay fine we'll help you like they yeah so that was nice and then uh the guy helped me throughout the entire airport he was my little

bitch uh my little whipping boy is that the name I don't know he's like my little slave and he helped me put Jimmy's crate on he helped me put my luggage on it he took me to the check-in booth he stayed there the whole time because then I had to take Jimmy to this other area to get the crate checked out and to get anyways um it was fine it was it was I don't know it all worked out. Cause I was just like, you know what? God, I got so much shit to get through the airport and I need wheels. I need something convenient. Anyways. Um, he barked, Jimmy barked. As soon as we got into SeaTac, I think he knew what was coming. This was going to be a second flight. He was whining. He was barking. He was acting obnoxious. I felt so sorry for him. Um, people

were all looking and thinking, Oh my God, he's so cute. Oh my God. What's his name? What kind of, Oh my God. You know, that was the entire time. It doesn't matter that he was barking. People just thought he was cute as shit and I get it it was kind of nice it helped me feel better about the fact he was barking so shout out Alaska Airlines world-class service when it comes to dogs in the cargo section of the plane they really make you feel like everything's gonna be okay they really they I just I was treated like gold I don't know if it's because I've heard that if you're not ugly people treat you better um I learned that on TikTok no but for real like I wonder sometimes I'm like why are people overly fucking nice to me is it because I'm super nice

to them because I kind of think it is I literally am so like easygoing like super vocal and communicative and like take your time it's all right whatever like you know everything I do I just want to accommodate people make them feel good and everything so I feel like what happens is people treat me nicely because of that I look like shit I had just gotten through a weekend of wine and pounds of fucking pasta and tiramisu and cheesecakes and cookies. Like I look like I've never looked. You do not want to see me. My worst. I am at my worst physically post Washington, staying at my mom's house vacations. You should have seen me on new years or whatever around that time after I'd been home for a month. Like it's a pattern. I've,

I never look worse uh so I'm not saying I was cute and she treated me nice because of that I just learned that on TikTok talk I thought I didn't energy you know um anyways so we check them in everything's fine oh I had to go over to this separate area with the crate there's this rough looking dude he's like pulling on the nuts and bolts making sure everything was intact then I had to put the zip ties on I feel I feel like they make you put the zip ties on to seal it down so that if the dog escapes in the plane and jumps out that it's your fault because you're the one that secured it so I had to put the zip ties on and um dude the zip ties are great I really like zip ties I don't know

they really work great and um it was sad I saw Jimmy I saw the fear in his eyes I or the like he looked, he looked scared this time. The first time we went to the airport, he didn't know it was coming. So he was just like happy and like, whatever, you know, but this time I think, you know, so whatever I get, um, to my gate, I'm there like an hour ish early. And I spent this entire travel morning working, checking through my phone, deleting shit. I always end up deleting pictures and like random notes and clutter on my phone and apps whenever I'm at the airport I don't know it's like I just might I do like mindless shit on my phone like that especially on the plane like for whatever reason they don't have wi-fi on the plane so I was sat there on my camera roll and I was

like watching tiktoks I saved and I was like delete deleting shit and um oh the okay wait I gotta think about the flight I'm at the gate I'm like an hour early oh I get to I get Starbucks I got a Americano I got a big bottle of water I don't eat like I don't it's like too early to have breakfast like people are pounding like breakfast sandwiches and fucking cinnamon rolls and like there's always like a Chinese takeout type restaurant open at fucking 6 a.m people are eating that I'm like it's you're already like in it like for me I like airports I feel like I get whenever I fly whenever I travel like that's a touchy area like that's where I get I feel like I get sick from that uh from traveling and like pounding like shit food like that early and then

pounding coffee and like getting on a plane I don't know I just like can't do it so I just like drank a bunch of coffee and water and I fucking didn't need food anyways but like that's all right I don't need to talk about that I just mentioned that earlier but I don't know I'm always put off by like really early morning breakfast pounders like are you is this like do you do this in your normal life practice or is this is it I feel like there's people that go to an airport and then it's like I don't give a fuck if it's 6 a.m. I'm drinking a mimosa I'm fucking getting the like they're drinking drinks and they're eating eats like it's 4 p.m. anyways I don't know why I'm mentioning this um shit I like people watching get annoyed at airports especially like I'm

standing in line at Starbucks and a wife had already gotten her food and her husband or boyfriend or whatever didn't so she was standing in line next to him and all I saw was like a breakfast sandwich like her mask was like right below her chin right and it was just like breakfast sandwich to face breakfast and I'm just like how are you fucking hungry this early I don't get it um he's got a ziploc bag now god damn it I was gonna reuse that and save our planet Jimmy everything's a toy maybe I should title this episode everything is a toy so flight was good um I got the whole I got the whole row to myself um the flight attendant man was super charismatic he was like an older dude he wanted to know all

about my dog because I had gone up to the front and I said hey I got a puppy on the plane where's my special ticket they have to give me I was like making sure I didn't forget this time because last time I was late and I forgot to ask the flight attendants for it and next thing I know the people in front of me were giving it because they were waiting for me the whole time where's Jacqueline Monroe who's the person who owns a puppy and cargo and I wasn't there because I was in the bathroom taking selfies okay so this time I didn't want to forget but the old like silver fox flight attendant man was like small talk to me about dogs and his dog and he was showing me where his dog bit him on his wrist and just like annoying and not even annoying I was just like

having fun with it and um he touched my shoulder on the way out and i just felt like that is the difference between me and feminists i didn't give a fuck i don't mind if a man like like i don't give a fuck if i get a little like back pat or a shoulder touch i think that it doesn't from a stranger from like a strange man because we had had multiple conversations on the plane like when he gave me my uh coffee because I got more coffee on the plane of course I did in my water and we were small talking then and you know every time he passed it was like oh do you have a picture of your puppy and I'm showing him my camera roll and I'm at the bathroom we're small talking up there I'm just like literally having multiple conversations so on

the way out I noticed I got a little shoulder tap but see literally I feel like women now some women turn that into I was sexually harassed like oh like you know I don't know I'm just not weird I don't give a I don't even care but I thought about it after I did think about it that's why I'm talking about it I was like was he trying to fuck me like what was that about no he wasn't but it was just like it was I was I was touched I was touched by a strange man some people are like that, though, I feel like, you know what, look at Spain, people are kissing each other and shit, like, people are so touchy-feely over there, uh, in other countries like that, we make it so weird, we make it, we turn it into, like, it's, like, we consider it

sexual, we, well, people turn it into, like, sexual harassment for, like, I don't know, I'm not, i'm not extreme like that i'm not insane but jimmy do you need to shit yeah yeah god he's so cute okay you know how there's a phrase that people look like their dogs or whatever um i don't know what it is about his eyes but i see myself in him i like see me in my dog but it's he's a boy i'm a girl but i like i feel like we are one we are one in the same we are it's like the same soul oh this is creepy and weird to think about i don't want to do it right now but i don't know he gets me you're part of me you're cute as shit my sister was saying something about his eyes she's like i've never really seen goldens with

eyes like that they're really like deep and dark because if you look close it looks like he has eyeliner on but his daddy had really um he had like black rings around his eyes really thick yeah do you miss your daddy do you even know who your daddy is yeah were you abandoned by your father yeah do you miss your friends or your siblings I think he has PTSD I looked that up one time I got so sad when he was a really little puppy when he was like nine weeks old I got so sad right before bed and I was googling Jimmy not my headphones dude down um off off we're not gonna do down we gotta do off because he gets confused I got really sad before bed one time and I thought about how

like or I asked myself I was like do puppies have memories and like PTSD from being separated from their mom and then seeing their siblings get ripped away from them like does that do they get sad about it I got really emotional I was like really thinking too hard about it and I was googling it and that must fucking suck I know they're little babies but I don't know he's my best friend now my best friend I literally have nothing else to like my life now is just like dog like think about it I don't it's like all I talk about it's all I post on my Instagram now my Instagram turned into a golden retriever uh club or fan page and like and then people are sending me videos of golden retrievers all day and they're sending me pictures of their dogs like

I didn't I like rebranded as a dog Instagram but I don't know I feel like he changed my life and I really feel like I'm the type of person who needs a dog like I need or not necessarily it could be anything I need to nurture and take care of something that's not me and it makes me so happy and I feel so complete and it's not like I don't know like a lot of women my age have kids it's like I get it you it's like you need to love something outside of and like yourself and like take care of something like I love giving giving him fresh water in his water bowl like I just love it or he's actually using one of my bowls right now because I'm getting him I'm gonna go back to the store and get him like nice big big boy dog bowls where is he he keeps taking my

clothes out of my laundry basket and he comes in like every time I come in the living room there's like a thong sitting there and I'm like you fucking weirdo oh Jesus Christ um what did I cover today I traveled starting at 3 a.m so this is my Tuesday travel day podcast basically oh my god I didn't even finish the day I get to the airport in San Diego uh he comes out on a conveyor belt his crate does it's like it literally reminded me of is it Toy Story or Monsters Inc or whatever where they like the animals go on the conveyor belt it was kind of like that he comes whipping through the conveyor belt where the luggage comes out too but it's like a different section there he is freaked out um oh we found shit in his crate

from the first flight I think he shit during takeoff it was dried up like this is so bad to say but I had flown home we took him out of the or we like put him in the car took him out of the crate and then I didn't look at the crate again until we flew him home back or whatever and um it's like 3 a.m. right we're putting the crate in the jeep and I like pulled out the blanket that was in there and then a dried up piece of shit came out and I was like god he shit during the probably takeoff he was so scared from that but anyways um nothing this time no no accidents um he did shit in the airport I was so I was just like no so I ended up getting so I picked him up off the conveyor belt took him out said hi he was fine then I got my checked bag and then I had

my carry-on and then I ordered or I rented one of those what's it called those push carts and I stacked everything on it fit great and those carts are really heavy duty like the wheels on them so you can put a lot on there and they maneuver like they turn easily and you can go over like you can get into the, like, I had to go out to the Uber pull-ups, Uber section, and anyways, what am I saying, so yeah, the shitting part, so we walk outside, the double doors, you know, people are, like, getting picked up, and he just bends over, takes a shit, and I didn't have anything, I had my poop bags, I think in the checked bag, they were, like, so deep, and they were so deeply embedded to the, uh, in my, in my, uh, suitcases that I was like, you know what, what's around me? I was

about to grab something out of the garbage can to pick up the shit with. I almost, I considered my bare hand. No, I didn't. I actually like, I did think about it, but I ended up doing is taking, I took one of those, um, one of the water buckets inside of his crate that was attached on the inside and I like shoveled it and honestly it didn't I didn't get it all but I was like a woman on a mission I'm like just I need to get home like I just it was like smeared on the pavement I needed like a baby wipe you know I needed something to really clean it good and I just I was a bad person and I take pride I told my mom this I said something I do that I take pride in when I walk Jimmy is I pick up every, any little piece of shit that drops. Like I get everything.

I don't ever, if I left a turd, I just would feel like shit about myself. I feel like that's not good to do. Like you have to get everything. And I don't know why you want it, but I don't half-ass cleaning up my dog's shit. Here's the thing. When you get a puppy, I don't, I don't like being on the subject. I don't like this, but I had an, I had a thought early on when he, when I first got him. I mean, night one, night one was five diarrhea explosions in a row throughout the night on my white bed. And I had to towel, I had shit, I had stuff down to like clean it anyways, but he had, um, gastrointestinal, he had like an issue. I had to take him to the vet right away when I got him. Anyways, I had a thought early on that literally, so

I live in a city, I don't have like a backyard for him to go in. Like I have to literally clean up he's a shit factory and I have to clean up every pile of shit he ever takes pretty much like 95% of them the other 5% are like oh we're hiking in the woods he takes a shit maybe that's a scenario I want to pick it up but anyways um god I'm such a dog person now what the hell happened, literally, like, I didn't have, a year ago, I didn't have this, and I used to say, I used to make comments on the podcast, I'd say, like, how do people, like, how do people have a part, big dogs in small apartments, I don't get it, isn't that abusive, like, isn't that terrible, here I am, golden retriever in my apartment, and it's the best

decision I ever made, okay, I need to wrap this up, I feel like I started out saying this is gonna be 10 minutes I still have one more podcast I'm gonna cook some food I'm gonna chill I'm gonna walk Jimmy or I might do that after I walk Jimmy but I gotta do one more finish strong thank you for hanging out I hope you enjoy this travel travel day episode oh you know it's like what else is I gonna talk about I feel like after I catch up I'd finish my last podcast um today tonight so once I'm like caught up to speed for tomorrow I'll be able to talk more about current events things happening in the world I'll be more like up to speed or I'll have more shit to talk about so uh I gotta stop saying s-h-i-t I was it was um brought to my attention that I in a way

like a episode from the way way past I said that word a lot and I agree I need I need to I don't know, I just, I don't, I've improved, I've improved the swearing, but I just, certain words, I'm like, why do I say that, like, S-H-I-T, why do I say that so much, I was talking about my dogs, I'm not gonna say, oh, I poop, my dogs poop, all right, hit that subscribe button I'm here seven days a week um this is my audio diary I get on the microphone every day I talk it out talk about my life talk about whatever's going on it's like an it's like an audio vlog instead of a video vlog on YouTube I'm doing an audio vlog okay and I'm doing it for a year I'm about 100 days away from my one year anniversary and after that we'll see but for now

it's a daily thing you guys can keep up with Jacqueline and her I don't know her life like any other person you follow on the internet on my podcast so yeah hit that subscribe button um thank you for being here hope you had a great day and I will talk to you tomorrow okay bye