The Jacqueline Monroe Show - 279- COUCH UPDATE

Episode Date: June 14, 2021

Patreon.com/TJMS 

Hey guys, it's episode 279. Welcome back to the show! Hey, what's up? Welcome back to the show. Hi. I got a quick story time. for you I have a quick couch update story time for you uh hi it's Jacqueline welcome back to the show welcome back to my podcast this is my audio diary I podcast every day talking I talk to you guys about what's going on in my life and literally whatever I want there's no theme to my

show there's no structure to it in fact today will be a 10 minute episode or less in fact guys this is I gotta break I gotta break this down for you at the at the top of the episode real quick before I tell the couch story uh I'm I've changed as a host I have this podcast is not what it was I shouldn't call attention to this I shouldn't even bring it up but the fact of the matter is it's currently it's Monday I'm gonna sit here and tell you a story five days after it happened meaning I'm five days behind podcasting so I'm a liar I say a podcast seven days a week and I've been slacking and I'm doing them all in a row on one day I'm doing like five in a row on one day so technically I will accomplish 365 podcasts in a year when this is all said and

done on September 4th 2021 but this is so sad like I I need to figure I I'm so I don't know I can't lie to you. That's the thing. I can't lie to you and sit here and tell you it's Thursday when it's not anyways. Okay. So now that that's out of the way, fuck, I need to get my shit together. I need to like re, I need to like reinvigorate or like rediscover my passion. I love, like, this is still, I'm enjoying myself right now. I love this, but anyways um I'm just so behind I feel like I'm I'm I'm just like I'm not killing it like I used to be um so couch update if you're new to the show I bought a couch I got one of those like fluffy white cloud couch things and it didn't fit through my door so I had I had to resell it I had to

resell it uh unfortunately I told this story I think the episode is called the impossible couch if you go back to like a week or earlier earlier this week aka last week for me right now literally a week ago um shit guys did I fail at my mission to podcast I did technically right my did I fit because here's the thing I say here's the thing no matter what I'm gonna get 365 episodes out this year so whether that's so whether or not I do them five in a row on one day to catch up or one every single day I feel like I'm bending the rules for myself because a lot has been going on and I'm literally not to be annoying and say I'm busy but I've never been this busy since I started podcasting. So anyways, um, I got to get back on track. I really need to

be disciplined about scheduling this into my, um, day at a certain time so that I always get it done no matter what. Anyways, I got a couch. Jesus. I'm going to take a drink of water. Shit. Fuck. I just, who cares? Jacqueline, nobody's even, nobody's even fucking, nobody's even listening so you know what I mean like I'm not like imagine if I had 36 million people tuning into my show every day and I was on the top charts and all of a sudden I miss five days like that would I could like I should I should be more professional about this and treat it like that but the truth of the matter is to the four of you listening or actually there's definitely more than four who gives a fuck I think you're all I think you would all be happy for me that I'm actually

living life and doing fun stuff all the time now and not being a little cave bat in my apartment like I was in 2020 so whatever I got a couch it didn't fit through the door I told the story the episode is called the impossible couch uh the deliver delivery guys and I attempted to shove it through my door for like two hours we were about to break my window to fucking get it inside and we gave up it didn't work so I resold it or I had to resell it and the story I'm telling today is about the woman the pregnant it's not important to say race is it like can you include it as a descriptor if it's to paint a visual picture for the audience or is am I is that racist is that unimportant I don't see color I don't give a like I literally don't understand

when people, why am I justifying this so much? This is making me sound like, I'm so uncertain during these times where race is such a hot button issue. I'm so uncertain on how to describe things without sounding anyways a pregnant woman arrived on Thursday to purchase my couch okay this thing had a blue tarp over it for a few days I had reserved it for her she wanted it she didn't lowball me I was gonna get all my money back it was great I'm so excited I wake up that day like fuck yeah this couch is gonna be off my hands it's gonna be out of the breezeway because my couch was parked outside because it couldn't fit my apartment in a communal area where like every night when I went to sleep I was having nightmares about it being stolen or like oh fuck I know when

I wake up this thing's gonna be damaged or it's gonna rain or whatever so I woke up that day and I was so excited I'm like oh my god yes today's the day I'm getting my money back I'm getting this couch off my hands. Okay. So I think it was a one o'clock appointment with her. Yeah. I think she's like, I'll, I'll meet you at your place at 1 PM to pick up, pick it up. Okay. So why am I talking like this? Um, I need to cut this short. I can't be here for more than five more minutes. Okay. So I waited, I wait outside on the curb by my apartment. I need to sit up. I wait outside on the curb by my apartment with my dog um like five minutes before it was time for her to arrive and she's late of course so well not of course I don't know I just you know sometimes people

are late that's okay no it's it's whatever maybe there was traffic I don't know it's like 1 10 i'm sitting on the curb with my airpods in listening to music i was listening to um of course i was what's that new um little wayne track i i love little wayne nicky and drake um god it's so it's a it's one it's a 10 out of 10 song what's it called i can't think of the name um come on boy come on summer 2021 playlist you guys all know it come on seeing seeing green seeing green playing that type of music it's hot out it's the afternoon I think I brought yeah I had a LaCroix just sitting waiting like I was waiting for the bus for school for this woman to arrive with a

moving van a truck whatever some something to haul it right uh because the couch is it's gonna require this couch was gonna require uh a big truck what am i saying Jesus. So at 110, at 110, at 110 comes some sort of fucking, so all I know is that I saw, I saw a clown car. I saw some sort of like, I don't know what the technical name of these kinds of cars are. I saw this little Geo Metro fucking Miata tiny car. with a woman on the phone. She's like holding the phone, driving, like driving fast to my neighborhood. I see her. I didn't know that was her or anything, but she parks. She gets out and

just stands on the curb on the phone for another 10 minutes. So I'm sitting there with my dog, drinking my LaCroix, listening to Seeing Green. What other songs are on my playlist? We got seeing green we got well keisha well keisha gang gang aston martin music rick ross oh that's an old song i reput on my i put back on my playlist aston martin music great song um killer featuring jack harlow and corday cordy corday it's an eminem track featuring those two so anyways i'm sitting on the curb and she's on the phone across the street I didn't really know it was her like I to be honest I didn't look at her profile pic on offer up where I resold it so I should have done that right like I should have known who's showing up but I was just like watching this woman across

the street who ended up being the woman to get the couch right so she's on the phone she's pregnant she's in a sundress whatever she's on the okay um and she had texted on the app she had said oh I'll be there in like you know I'm on my way I'll be there soon you know so I knew she was on her way I knew she was coming to get the couch so anyways uh next thing I know she this woman approaches me because she comes to my address the one I had told her she knew that this was the house with the couch right so she came over she's like hi are you Jacqueline I'm like hi yeah I am okay she's like oh hi sorry about that you know I was on the phone with my builder or whatever she had I don't know she's like building a house or something

turned out to be an Airbnb up in the mountains she's got like multiple Airbnbs places so she's on the phone with her builder she's like so sorry so sorry so sorry and um all I'm thinking is where the fuck is the truck? How are you hauling this? You're pregnant? Where are your strong men to help you? Where are the strong men? I'm confused. So show her the couch, take the tarp off. I think she's noticed like one little spot, which I also noticed. It wasn't bad or anything I was kind of low on the couch in the front um just like a little you know tiny little stain and I was like oh fuck this is definitely the type of woman or person who would see something I could just tell like she would see something like that and go

absolutely not I don't want it like she wanted it off the out of the package like brand new you know what I mean like sometimes people give me that vibe and she definitely gave me that vibe like, oh, I thought it was in pristine condition, which it was other than this little front spot low where a coffee table, if you put a coffee table in front of this couch, it would completely cover it. You would not see it. It was literally like, oh, you know, when you get a scuff on your white tennis shoes, same shit. It was a little scuff on the couch. So we're examining the couch. She's still on the phone, but you have to understand she never got off the phone for, I think it was about 30 minutes of her being here, still on the phone with her builder person.

She was, like, unwrapping the couch, examining it as she's on the phone talking. Long story short, she came to my apartment to tell me she didn't want the couch and she couldn't take it. Okay? she did a courtesy visit so she like did the whole dance of like oh I'm gonna go over the couch and look at it right like I thought okay so she's here today to buy it maybe there's some guys on the way with a truck you know what I mean maybe there's something happening soon here with this couch and it being hauled away no she came there to tell me she came there to tell me came here to tell me that her new Airbnb has some water damage that she's building it. She was

going to put this couch in her new Airbnb up in like Mammoth or something. She's like, yeah, I'm on the phone right now. And they're not sure when this leak is going to get fixed. I don't know. I don't, I can't take it right now. Blah, blah, blah. So I'm like, oh, holy fuck. And then she was showing me pictures of the place. And oh my gosh, do you think this decor looks good like this or like this? Or if you came and stayed here, would you want this fireplace to be six inches bigger than it is or three or three inches smaller. Like I was just so nice. You know what I mean? Like, I don't, whatever, you know, at this point I'm like, I like talking to people and it's, she's, I mean, I don't know. She was pregnant. Like, I don't want to give her a

hard time or make her life hell, but I'm just like, so if it, so I said, well, if it wasn't, if you're, um, if they fix the leak, do you still want it? Like, like, like, whatever. And she's like, yeah, yeah, I'll let you know. I'll let you know. I'll let you know. I'm like, I'm done. I'm out. This is like, I had a list of people at a waiting list of people behind her. So, um, I was like, well, you know, by tonight, she's like, I don't think so. I don't think so. But she's like, maybe tomorrow, but it's going to be a lot of fixing. They have to do blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm just like, sorry, Sayonara, too bad. And she kind of said that, too.

She was kind of like, hey, like, I know this is a nice couch and, you know, if someone else wants it, don't hold it for me any longer. But I'm just like, I literally, I'm so, okay, the older I get, so I have patience, right? but I'm starting to or it's occurring to me how valuable time is and how much I hate when people waste my time and I don't like inefficient uses of time where it's like this was unnecessary first of all you were on the phone the whole time or 90% of the time making me sit on the curb and wait instead of like hey builder can I call you back I gotta go you know none of that happened and I just like feel like people don't have a sense of awareness or like social etiquette or whatever and it just like it frustrates me and I

and then the whole like I'm gonna show you pictures now I just like to get shit done and I don't like when I don't know I do know I don't like the small talk chat bullshit so yeah uh there's the couch story I think I can end the episode here yes it is Monday I'm five days behind so you're gonna get the follow-up story uh spoiler alert the couch is gone so stay tuned or tune in next time to hear the on this season two what the fuck am i saying what do they do like at the end of uh tv shows next time on the jacqueline monroe show find out how the couch was sold or who bought the couch uh yeah spoiler spoiler alert the couch is gone and spoiler alert there's more to it there's more the couch story just keeps getting worse okay so uh there you go the pregnant lady on the couch

um this is the pregnant lady pregnant lady couldn't take the couch and that's the story i guess um then after that day i don't even remember thursday i probably just got back to work and just like did yoga and walk my dog like typical i'm so routine right now i love my life right now i'm so clicked in like i said this in the beginning of 2021 i said all i want to do this year is because i started out this year with a ton of i started out 2021 2021 with a ton of, get it right, bitch, drink some water. I started out 2021 with a ton of momentum. Okay. So my major goal this year, this year was to keep ratting the wave of momentum, keep moving the ball forward and not letting myself get sucked back into the bullshit of 2020.

you know what I mean so I'm doing it there's my little personal life update killing it I am a pro surfer at this point on this fucking moment momentum way get off the show Jacqueline you need to end it you're going over time uh yeah so that feels good and I still love podcasting I just need to figure out a better it's as simple as this and I don't fucking do it it's literally as simple as I live by my planner right I live by my schedule on my planner it's as simple as me scheduling in 30 minutes an hour a day and putting it on my putting it in front of my eyeballs to do it because it's usually intuitive it's usually like hey I feel like doing it first thing in the morning or hey I want to do a late

night episode or whatever and I just feel it out throughout the day and I end up getting it done no matter what right but lately it's like oh I fucking forgot five days later I gotta catch up so anyways love you thank you for hanging out with me hope you enjoyed that little couch story hope your week's going well um wear your sunscreen bitch it's summer wear it get that spf on your back especially your shoulders and your nose okay do it for do it for all the people that have gone before us and died of skin cancer have a great day bye