The Jacqueline Monroe Show - 316- My Body Pranked Me

Episode Date: June 12, 2022

Happy Sunday! :)  Patreon.com/TJMS

What's up, guys? It's episode 316. Welcome back to the show. hey what's up it's Jacqueline welcome back to the show hi um I'm so excited about this episode like I am so excited I'm in such a good mood everything is going so well lately and I'm yeah I'm in a good place okay so this is gonna be a fun one I have a lot of updates I have a lot of stories to tell um one including a tow truck another story including a condiment uh a red condiment so random I know oh my god so random um I have yeah lots of stories, lots of like updates about my life. And so we'll get into that. Um, but first, okay, I'm going to start the episode off. The first thing I'm going to do, I'm just kind of

like hanging out right now on a Saturday at 1158 AM. So it's lunchtime. So I'm just hanging out. I'm in a good mood. I'm podcasting, but I want to start the episode off, um, by telling a story, um, are already talking about burritos. I have another burrito story to tell you guys. Okay. I have a bone to pick with my local burrito shop. I'm not going to say the name of it. I want to, but I have a bone to pick with them right now because so this first story is going to,

I have a little angst I need to get, get rid of and a little rage and we're going to start. I've been gone for two weeks. I haven't podcasted for two weeks. You guys have been without an episode for me. So, you know, sorry to bring the negativity.

I'm not going to apologize. Never apologize. I'm not going to apologize for that. I'm just saying, I'm bringing the negativity to start the episode. So let's do it. I have a bone to pick with my local burrito shop. I got a notification from Postmates like two weeks ago that was like, I got like a badge or something for being their like top customer over the last, I guess, year.

and since 2021 I have placed 29 orders at this burrito shop so I've it's not always a burrito sometimes you get the tacos um sometimes they get you know the I'll just get chips and guac and whatever you know like it it varies but that's a lot of Mexican food a 29 order 29 orders I'm their top customer. And I know the, I know the company well, or I know the restaurant well, Jesus Christ. So here's what's going on. i've experienced um great things with this burrito shop up until four burritos ago okay and here's what's going on they're okay they're cutting back i know we have a supply chain shortage happening and a food shortage. And I know that's a reality this world is facing right

now. But it appears that this burrito shop is cutting back. They're trimming back and, you know, tightening up their business. And four burritos ago, I mean, I just told a burrito story. Like, I literally titled, I think two episodes, two episodes ago, the burrito mystery. Like, I don't know why, is this my brand? It's, it's, it's part of my brand. I love burritos. You know, I, I was in the bathroom like premeditating or like getting, I always like premeditate the episode. Like, what am I going to talk about? Um, I forgot to mention, I'm repurposing a full face of makeup today from last night for this episode. I thought about that in the bathroom. Like, I think like right before I record, I I'm in silence, I'm walking around. I'm like deciding what I'm going

to start the episode off with and what I'm going to talk about whatever yeah I'm repurposing I was like in the bathroom thinking tell them you're repurposing a full face of makeup from the night before so go on YouTube or Spotify to watch I'm on video there um how we looking the audio just cut out god damn it what was I talking about oh YouTube YouTube and Spotify if you want to uh look at my makeup, I redid my makeup from last night, or whatever, if you just want to watch this and hang out with me instead of listening, YouTube and Spotify, make sure to subscribe while you're there, follow me, follow on Spotify, subscribe on YouTube, you know what to do, and also, if you want to support the show, might as well plug everyone, or plug,

might as well plug everyone up right now with my plugs um patreon.com slash tjms uh go check it out that's a way to support the show it's five dollars a month and yeah it'd mean a lot i always say stupid shit like that what did i say last episode i'm like pretend i'm a waitress and i've waited on your table all night and think of the patreon as a tip the tip to the waitress so here i am here i am entertaining you with my voice for an hour while you're living your life in misery on the treadmill at work um i bet someone's taking someone's definitely taking a shit right now or shower i shower and listen to podcasts so i'm your waitress i've just entertained you with my voice

uh for the last hour the patreon patreon.com slash tjms is is the tip okay that's how i'm that's what i came up with last episode i'm gonna say it again i don't like asking i don't i'm a shrewd businesswoman i need to pretend i need to not be insecure or shy about asking people for money uh five dollars a month if you want to support the show patreon.com slash tjms back to the burrito story so four burritos ago I go to the door I do the contact contactless delivery still like I just don't want to interact with the postmates drive I just drop it off you know I don't want to talk or whatever so I go to the door I look down

and the bags looking smaller than it usually does. And I'm thinking, oh, they forgot something like, oh, they probably forgot the chips or the sides, you know? And I picked it up and I was like, oh, there's something missing. So there was something missing. And what was, so, so I brought it into the kitchen. I always set it in my sink. I think it's disgusting if you put a Postmates Postmates bag on your counter, okay, that's disgusting, I just, like, especially if they drop it off on the ground, and you have to go, you know, just grosses me out, don't do that, so I put it in the sink, I remove the plastic bag, I'm ripping it apart, and the food was, the food was there, okay, the food was there, okay, but the packaging

was missing the plastic tray the burrito nestled in with a little side compartment for the chips and the salt and the hot sauces that vessel that container was missing right this isn't the only thing that was missing I'll get to there's other stuff that was actually missing so I'm just like whatever okay saving plastic fine it's fine but it just felt like okay i'm paying the same price and i'm not getting this container to set on my bed while i shove this in and watch fucking youtube videos of old men talking old podcast old men podcast i was talking like that's how i i mean i haven't talked to you guys in a while about my con content routine and like what i consume on a daily basis but

i swear to god it's two bears one cave and that's it like i'll watch old episodes and that's that's like the well it varies but i'd say two bears one cave um i watched the h h3 h h3 podcast that's like my guilty pleasure podcast because i feel like those guys are are they controversial he's ethan klein like seem he seems like a controversial person but I don't know I like it and so yeah yeah the podcasts vary but it's mostly just me shoving a burrito down to two old men talking on a podcast so it's nice to have the tray this is a long story I really want to get to the this ketchup sitting next to me the ketchup story I really I have an appliance collection at my feet I want to showcase here on the episode and talk

about um and I have a story about the tow truck I have a story about where I've been that I rehearsed this morning with someone I rehearsed what I was gonna say I feel like I should have started the episode off with that like tell everyone where you've been get that out of the way it's only been two weeks but I'm so like I'm a weekly podcast host so missing a week is, like, not okay. Personally, I just have higher, you know, I have a, what's it called, standards for myself, or expectations for myself, or, you know, so, yeah, I want to get to that, but this is a long burrito story to tell you that the packaging was missing, and I'm, like, pissed about that, and then I go to, oh, yeah, so

i usually get the tijuana corn if i get a side usually it just comes with a side like i i always get like a corn or a like bean and no rice like mexican rice so the t the tijuana corn was gone i noticed that because it was the packaging usually held that there wasn't packaging so the t the tj corn the tijuana corn was gone um the salsas there's only two there's usually three and my favorite one was missing so that pissed me off um it's this green salsa verde salsa hot sauce stuff and that was missing so i'm so i'm just it keeps getting worse and then i put my burrito on a plate because it didn't have the goddamn tray i dump bag of chips out that are usually in the tray so that i take them out of the bag

gave Jimmy like four he eats the corn chips every single time I order from this place and I'll just set them like I'll line them up on the edge of the bed and it'll come up like a little little bird just yeah it's cute so um yeah I put it on a plate I get you know I dump the chips and then I have my salsa or my why do I keep saying so it's hot sauce hot sauce cups and then I get a paper towel for to put here as a bib while I eat it and I waltz into my bedroom I lay down a blanket just in case because I have a white bedding I'm kind of a white bedding only only bitch like white sheets white comforter quilt everything white pure clean pristine just for me personally I don't care what you do but I like all white okay so I put a blanket down

I set the position the the plate with a burrito and the chips and the hot sauces on the bed over the blanket oh my god and I'm gonna order okay I'm gonna order right now I feel like I need to it's it's noon on saturday um the last time i ate was 8 30 p.m last night at jurassic park and all i ate that day or for dinner i had a giant ass diet coke at this movie and uh peanut m&ms so i had peanut m peanut m&ms for dinner and giant diet Coke. I had like shrimp at noon that day and finished the night off with, uh, two margaritas and a shot of tequila. Uh, what was it called? Azul. Yeah. So a lot of liquids, not a lot of food in my belly currently, um, or last night at least. So I'm going to order

and I'm going to get this. I'm going to walk to the door on this episode, live on the podcast. It's going to be here in probably 20 minutes. It always is. It's always, I mean, I've done, this is my 30th order. Um, and here we go. Like I can only select two salsas, two hot sauces. I'll, I'll keep, I'll keep fixing my, I'll keep, you know, I'll keep correcting myself even though nobody, nobody cares. Um, yeah you can only choose two hot sauces and then you have to pay for the side now okay so i didn't even get to this part let me just cut to the what i want to prove and

that's why i want to order i want to order and let me just get it really quick um no flour tortilla what the fuck that's an option it's a surf and turf burrito I get all the time it's steak shrimp that's the wrong one I do not want this the California one with the fries I don't like that um just it's too much like fries and burrito I've had it like one I needed it or I needed to experience it one time but I decided it's just not for me. Um, surf and turf. Um, yeah, I'm a little, I'm hungry as fuck. Like after just having candy for dinner and tequila, what the fuck? I didn't eat when I got home. It was bad. Um, the part I want to get to when I want to prove here back to that is

gotta make sure it's not my mom's card we had an issue my mom texted the family the other day i'm on a new tangent already she's like did anyone order order from uber eats on may 5th no that's cinco see that's cinco de mayo everyone may 5th is cinco de mayo I was like wait I don't so I I immediately immediately in my brain I was like oh I don't use Uber Eats I didn't use your card to order from it no like I didn't you know whatever and but yeah on Cinco de Mayo I definitely got some tacos I'm pretty sure I like if I look back I'm pretty sure I was just it was like a Tuesday was it taco was it Tuesday this year whatever so I ordered it when I look back at my order history yeah my mom like and like a couple weeks ago she

was talking she like sent me a screenshot of the of the of it again and I guess it said Postmates I was like oh fuck it was me because she came here one time and used like I put her card on here she like wanted to buy us dinner when she visited and she's coming in two weeks by the way I have a huge life, like life update. My mom's coming here in two weeks for a very exciting reason. Okay. But yeah, one night she, when we got dinner, she's like, oh, put my card on. So I used her card. I'm not, I need to order this right now. It's going to take too long. I used her card to order it. And so yeah, a few weeks ago on Cinco de Mayo, I must've clicked it or I don't know how that switched. And so I finally confessed to her. I was like, mom, it was me.

had to be she knows how much i order mexican food she's like you know who else would be in the family um so the part that pissed me off this is such a long intro about a goddamn burrito joint like why am i i don't know so the part i want to hit home here is the volume of food inside the last four burritos I've ordered from this place is decreasing when I picked up when I was you know I put it put the burrito on the plate I had the chips I had the hot sauces I got two bears one cave on shout out that if you're unfamiliar it's a Tom tom segura and burke kreischer and i love that podcast and i had that on had my blanket down had my bib on my paper towel bib when i lifted the burrito

i just i got so i was just fucking sad i was like this is so light i was like what the fuck and then i unwrapped the burrito but I had to unwrap it again there was two there were two pieces of tinfoil around this bitch so it was like you know making it that's so it was even smaller if you if you're following and this is again I'm not gonna call you know what Jacqueline don't be in your head about how long of a intro or story this is I can't wait to talk to you guys about this ketchup next to me like please stay tuned, please stay tuned for this wild, yeah, the story about the, this ketchup, it's very special ketchup, it's from Trader Joe's, I'm going to talk about it, yeah, please stay

tuned for that, but anyways, yeah, so I got sad, I picked up the burrito, it was definitely lighter than it had ever been, the Tijuana corn was, wasn't there, the packaging, the tray wasn't there, okay um same amount of same amount of chips though I'll give them that that's that's probably the cheapest thing you know on the menu or for them to make or fry however I feel like they make them home either and yeah like as a meat in the burrito it's like usually it was just like skimpy there's barely any shrimp there's barely any meat they packed that bitch full of rice packed it good amount of avocado there always is they don't I feel like they have a good deal with an avocado farmer here or something because they don't have to cut back on that

clearly and yeah it was just it was just an I was just fucking I was just like wow so it was light it was empty there's less in there and that's why I'm pissed right uh my local burrito shop is cutting back on their portions on their packaging and their sides like now you have to buy a side like if I wanted the Tijuana corn today I would have to pay an extra four dollars on top of the burritos $15.95 and it used to come with it so what the fuck you know so moving on let's tell the ketchup story or let me tell you where I've been and again I rehearsed this this morning

let me like take a drink of my coffee protein shake god I want to put everyone on to this right now it'll take me two minutes less than that espresso espresso shots ice almond milk in a blender with one scoop it's got to be quest salted caramel i don't say caramel salted caramel protein powder one scoop blend you're you're drinking a motherfucking frappuccino okay it is so good i've i've drank this or i'm on a kick again so the thing is i'm on a kick i like remember food i used to eat in the past or like yeah like things i used to cook or coffee like types of coffee I would drink I'll remember and then I'll get on a kick and I'm totally

on this kick right now holy shit like it's a frappuccino it tastes it tastes like a salted caramel milkshake coffee fucking it's great so all you need is a blender okay I'm big on appliances well I will be Jesus on the on the end of this episode when I do a little showcase of my new appliances but um big on appliances all you need is blender and there you go so let's talk about the ketchup or no let's talk about where I've been I rehearsed this wait should I put on different glasses I should put on different glasses maybe I should remove them you know what I'm not showing my face at all on this episode I've been wearing these blue sunglasses this whole time but I'm also like in my head about my makeup being repurposed and it like it's still kind of

funky from last night if you know what I mean so what Jacqueline why would your makeup get messed up what are you talking about so just put on oh hold on intermission seven seventh inning stretch everybody on your feet touch your toes it's been it's been two weeks okay it's been two weeks haven't i haven't podcasted where have i been it's very simple I say that so much it's very simple um why do I not why do I not want to say this right now

so Jacqueline has been swept off her feet and a bitch is busy okay a bitch is doing things a bitch is going on a lot of dates and I'm having a lot of outings with this person and um often on Sunday mornings when I typically record um my podcast I'm not at home okay or I've I'm hungover from the night before I'm just not in a good place mentally to podcast and that's what it is it's usually like a hangover Sunday morning from you know a date night the night before and I'm just like for this is all like I'm apologizing or I'm making I'm telling you this story because it's like I've missed two episodes

or I've missed two weeks. The pros never miss, right? I consider myself a pro here, but a bitch missed. And the only thing that makes me feel better or better about that or better about myself about missing two weeks is that, um, I didn't miss 300 days in a row. So I did that. when I used to podcast seven days a week so I don't it's not like that big of a deal right whatever um stupid story or stupid uh I shouldn't call myself stupid it's like okay I've been so what do I mean by that I met someone I met someone and things are going very well and I guess this is a good segue into the ketchup story and the tow truck story so I told wow there's a lot of stories with this person already uh coming on the episode but I've I've

gotten I've received clearance or whatever he's given me the green light to talk about it so whatever um I told a story on the last episode about puking up octopus tentacles on our first date okay all over my heels all over the floor so that was like the first date with this guy and the next the follow-up story I really should I do ketchup ketchup first what would be more interesting they're both like not I mean they're they're fun they're fun stories so this so on our like fifth date we go out for drinks and to this really cool like adult arcade place where you can play games and we pull up it's in the city no parking and I'm like oh well I usually park over here at this

grocery store this is the kind of inner city grocery store where like I don't it's like a budget grocery store it's it's like grocery outlet but it's not it's like bargains I don't even what is it yeah it's just like a budget cheap food grocery store in the middle of the city big parking lot empty it's Friday night and I'm like oh yeah I've like gotten drinks here before I've parked here so 7 30 we pull up we park we don't leave first of all we didn't play a single game that was the whole point of going to this place we didn't leave until I have to count my fingers wait 12 30 we talked for five hours straight me and this man okay date number four yeah this is like the

fifth date I think yeah we talked for five hours straight which is like huge for me if I can hold a conversation with someone for like or have a deep interesting fun conversation for five hours like holy shit it's a big deal because I'm a talker I'm a thinker I loved I love conversation And I'm, I love people and talking to people and learning about them and their lives. And like, it was like, oh my God. So we realized, oh my God, we just talked for five hours. It's 1230. And you might, you might be able to tell where this is going.

I told, I told them to park there. Like, I'm thinking about this, like, I'm the one that, so we walked to the car and it was an empty parking lot when we got there until we parked and it was empty when we returned okay his car was gone and I'm like there's the parking space like I I remembered that we parked in like the first slot and I kept looking at it I'm like it was such a mind fuck it was like your car was just there but no it's not but where is it so god this is also such a great thing about this person like so cool calm and collected in this moment so cool calm cool calm and collected that might be the title of this episode cool cool calm and collected so

so cool calm and collected hard to say waltzes over to the parking sign thing at this lot reads some some shit about parking there that we he just trusted that oh yeah it's like and like i parked there before and i had but i think it's because we stayed there for five hours on a Friday night they towed it so anyways he reads the sign he gets the tow truck number he calls him up he's like hey do you have my car here's the plate um you know and they're like yeah come on by so I'm feeling so bad I'm like okay I'll get the uber right like then we had to go like three blocks but we're like let's uber and then my something happened I just had to change my cards having all these card issues I

think that's why my mom got charged for the burrito it's my old card expired I had to put a new one on there whatever so I'm pulling up uber I'm trying to pay for it my card isn't working because I have to upload I had an old debit card on there or whatever and I could use my credit card I don't know so he's just like fuck I got it don't worry don't worry and he's very like that like just I got it um and yeah we go we uber there and I swear to god when we showed up at this tow truck place I trans it was like going back in time I took video this woman okay so we pull up at the tow truck place and it's like a construction trailer like when they build new buildings in the city they on the side they'll have like a double wide but it's like half it's

like cut in half it's a trailer and it's a trailer yeah so we pull up it's a trailer and I walk in it's wood paneling all wood paneling there's a atm machine like an old shitty one the waiting room chairs are like the chairs in a library that are like or no no like conference room chairs just like whatever they were old as shit and then the the window where the lady she was like helping us um I look through it and I'm like there's a there's a fucking turtle in there there was paperwork everywhere old copy machines stacks of folders and like it looked like a movie scene it was wild it was and it felt like I trans I transported back in time to like

going to a like an upriver city in my hometown's post office or something like just the smell everything was old and I'm like it's it was such a mind I'm like why is it like this why is it so old in there she had a goddamn turtle in a tank and I mean I don't want to profile I don't want to like I'm just saying what I how do I talk about people people's appearance without sounding judgmental and like she just looked the part of someone i don't know how to explain like full gray um like what genes are they i don't want to do this i can't talk she just looked the part like

she looked rough i'll just say that she looked rough then there were two on the ground she had two German shepherds barking at us when we showed up laying there. So turtle, two German shepherds, old trailer. We're there to pick up the car that got towed. And yeah, I don't know what else to say. It was just an experience like, okay. But that was our second car issue experience. I didn't even tell you guys on our first date, our first, wasn't like our first, oh my God, this is so like detailed for no reason we golfed and on that date that's when i first met him is he just gonna be part of it i'm telling so many stories about whatever it's all anonymous we golfed and then we got sushi and he drove me to sushi and then when we got back to the golf place

my car was locked in the parking lot because they shut the gates and put the lock on and um so yeah we had a car issue like the first time we met and then you know a couple weeks later his car's getting towed on our fucking date where we talk for five hours the date before that or whatever I'm puking up octopus all over him so we have a lot of like things keep it's not that they're going wrong it's just like yeah they kind of are but it's funny because we can joke about it And we're both very, so with my car getting stuck, he was, like, instant, like, solution mode. Like, okay, it's stuck, but I think there's a way you can drive over the curb here through this, like, side berm over the, you know, gravel or whatever the fuck and drive out. So he, like, saw that my car was stuck.

And I'm telling him, I'm like, look, it's no big deal. Like, I can come by and pick it up in the morning. Like, it's fine. Just drive me home. It's close. Like, I don't care. like i'll just get it tomorrow or whatever i was just like it's not a big deal he was so enamored by that behavior where i just like was chill about it he's like oh i'm used to like

someone being like what the fuck you should have known that they were gonna close my car was gonna get you know it's stuck in there and you should have known that before it's like obviously on a first like i'm not i would never even do that but whatever so he liked that i was calm about it I okay I've been swept off my feet is that what I fucking said I mean there's a lot of um things are like is this guys I'm I'm saying too much it's like bought a lot of boxes are getting checked or whatever or like it's the compliments on things I've never been complimented on in my life I'm like I've never given a fuck about my forehead like that he's like you have a beautiful forehead or like perfect forehead or like in his eyes obviously what's another

compliment he's like the way I I don't I don't even know this is stupid okay whatever so um yeah we pick up the car with this lady, uh, with the two German shepherds and her turtle. We asked what the turtle's name was and she, she kind of just grunted and just kept like working on her paperwork for us. So I didn't know what the turtle's name was, but yeah. And that was, that was the night I guess. So I also broke his car door. Oh my God. I don't know that was probably like date number seven or whatever I opened it to get inside and we we parked next like on a little on the sidewalk where there was like a hill to it so when I opened the door I squeezed myself in and then when I went to close it got stuck on that

little hill of grass so it ripped the door panel away from the door and he had to go get that repaired it's great it's great everything's going beautifully it's it's a beautiful thing as we say I know he's listening right now so that's oh my god oh my god oh my god this man's parents listened to my podcast or like they did when he told them about me like oh my god what does this mean I'm like feeling so shy right now um I mean if you don't know if you're new like I talk about my life on here this is my this podcast is about I'm gonna do the sexy secretary glasses now because it's just like I'm done I wear sunglasses this entire time

um yeah I talk about my life I talk about what's going on and it's like yeah I've been recently single-ish as of like end of April or May it's a long time to be single and say you're getting swept off your feet again shit how does that work what how do you navigate that mentally like oh I was just in a relationship a long-term relationship I break up with them and then I meet someone within like a month and then I'm just like back in it kind of already depends what you're looking for what you want I guess so whatever um oh the compliment what did I say his parents listen yeah like he's it's just like it's pretty cool it's pretty cool and it's also cool that he supports my podcast and gets me like

humor wise he's like entertained by it and he like that's one thing that if we can't banter if you can't hang with me when I when I say something so fucked up and wrong but in a sarcastic way or in a joke like not in a serious way I need you to be able to detect that and then like fuck with me back and like you know and that's huge for me and we have that which is like so refreshing and um yeah but he's very supportive of my podcast which is great and um yeah he told these parents listen I'm like holy shit so this episode what did we cover already I'm ordered I ordered a burrito or I talked about the Elias Elias is on the way um I'm so hungry never just go oh my god like we should have eaten like I just ate candy for dinner last night and I saw

did I say I saw Jurassic Park not good so um yeah I talked about how this burrito joint's cutting back on their portions and their um supplies or their you know packaging that really pissed me off um I do have more no oh my god Justin Bieber's eye holy shit I cried yesterday so I wanted to talk about that I wanted to talk about how to define your moral principles like when someone's like what are your moral principles do you even know what they are I was going to talk about that because I have really strong moral principles that I stick to and I want to teach people how to do the same thing because I feel like it's this this generation girl like these young kids

like they don't know what the fuck they don't have like or you listening do you know what they are like is that clearly defined in your head if someone's going to ask you that question probably not it wasn't for me and I got curious I was like let me learn about this or like look it up and write mine down and like get really clear on exactly what like what like the specifics of what what are they so someone asked me I could tell them that might be a different episode this is more light and fluffy here I'm literally like I cannot wait to talk about this ketchup oh my god I can't wait like please stay tuned turkey rebranded okay turkey's having to rebrand the country turkey apparently it changed its name to um

hold on googling turkey someday I'll have a jamie in the background turkey a two but it's like silent t turkey rebrands is t the german u r k i y e changing name at the united nations so i was going to talk about this how does that how do you pronounce that i heard it's like a silent t whatever so that's happening um kim k just dropped a skincare line. Um, diet. Oh my God. There's this trend right now. Oh my God. Let me put you onto this too. I'm not going to do it. I was going to try to, I don't have any sparkling, sparkling water right now. I don't have any food right now. Literally like if I didn't order this burrito,

I have a bag of frozen peas, a really old bag. It's like frost bitten or freezer burned, a really old bag of frozen raspberries i have a half a bag of baby carrots one egg i remember last time i opened the carton i'm like why would i ever leave myself one fucking egg um one egg chlorophyll drops a ton of condiments pickles that's it i don't like food in my fridge it's so bad i don't have meat options i i had all my food so this is how you know like when i'm busy and when i'm booked and busy and when I'm when I'm swept off my feet I'm just like out there doing things I'm not grocery shopping I'm not like I I'm not I'm making excuses I mean a bitch is busy and the weekends are I'm not home

eating my fridge or I'm not like cooking like I'm doing stuff and guys I'm eating so good I'm eating so we had the we had the most beautiful dinner the other other night in La Jolla so good so whatever but yeah there's this trend I don't have sparkling water that's why I said that there's this trend where you take sparkling water like a LaCroix and you dump like a couple tablespoons of balsamic vinegar in it and it's like healthy diet coke apparently like the flavor people are like oh my god it tastes like diet coke so I really want to try that so maybe that'd be fun for you if you have balsamic vinegar in your pantry and then a LaCroix right now like mix it up taste it I feel like you have

to add I would add like a packet of stevia to that or like monk fruit sugar for some sweetness I don't fucking know why are people diet coke is it's already healthy what the fuck you know zero zero calories give me all the aspartame i don't give like it's fine in like everything in moderation don't drink 20 diet cokes a day um or five like just have one a week or like i had i drink a diet coke in the movie theater theater last night the next time i drink a diet coke as you know will be on the drive home from tj maxx when i'm absolutely fucking exhausted mentally physically and spiritually from shopping there for an hour to hour to two hours I think it was two episodes ago the TJ Maxx thing so yeah whatever um so that's another thing I could

talk about but uh or I was going to talk about Elias or Elias just dropped my burrito off I'll do the ketchup story first we'll end the episode with a mukbang mukbang and a appliance show and tell because I'm really excited about some new appliances I purchased in the last month so okay okay I have a jar of ketchup sitting next to me from Trader Joe's it's a seasonal item unfortunately this comes out once a year it's regular ketchup with black summer truffle infused and anyways I love this shit it's my favorite ketchup of all time when this comes out when I see it in the store I'm getting like 10 I get 10 jars like I buy so many I stock up so unfortunately um I have to stop eating this ketchup it's ruined for me

it's it has been ruined for me and I did I ruin it for myself not exactly my body whatever the fuck I haven't did I swear is that my first swear word on this episode whatever whatever the fuck my body is doing however however the fuck it operates um yeah it it's it it decided uh recently to fuck with me and about this ketchup when I eat it it doesn't make sense until I finish the story so yeah I show up at Trader Joe's I'm really excited to see the ketchup I buy 10 jars at the checkout stand they're like oh my god did you notice the barbecue the truffle barbecue sauce and I was like holy shit I need that too so I also have that in the fridge um I like truffle like it's I feel like it's one of those things

either you either like it or you don't I like truffle and yeah so it's my second time around with this ketchup. I got it last year for the first time and I can't even open it. Oh my God. So here's what's going on. All right. Let me get comfortable. I don't know, like a week or so ago. Jimmy, are you limping? Come here, Jim. let me see that right leg come here bubba let me see that leg it's hot you always feel for hot spots on on legs with animals that's what they do to horses when they check for sprains and breaks and all that kind of shit and then they just put them down because they're useless at that point if their leg's done so he's fine um

hi jim say hi so whatever i'm like making food dinner for myself a couple weeks ago and i'm a sauce bitch okay i'm a sauce bitch through and through i will make you know a beautiful medley of vegetables i'll like saute that up with a beautiful cut of salmon glazed with fucking balsamic no not balsamic a little butter lemon uh garlic dill you know what i mean it'll be beautiful and that's when if you ever see me take a photo of my food that's when i'm taking a picture right after that okay after I made that beautiful combination of vegetables and salmon you know

a rice pilaf what the fuck's a pilaf I never whenever I see rice pilaf I'm like what's up then I usually have some white rice on the side whatever after I do that after I put it on the on the plate or I'm a bull I'm a bull but I'm a sauce bitch and I'm a bull bitch I do not like flat plates I just it no okay not for me um they have to have some kind of like bowl like they have to be concaved a little bit but a flat plate unless I'm at a restaurant freaks me out for myself like I will not eat that eat off a flat plate in my home um I also had a thought in the bathroom this morning about because I knew I was going to talk about the burrito place about why I like burritos so much and why you guys always hear me talk about burritos. So, so like part of

the, so I like to, how do I say this without saying, I have an oral fix, I have an oral fixation probably where I need a lot of texture and stimulation and flavor stimulation while I'm eating. And I think that's why I like bowls. It's because I mix things together. Not like in an insane like not everything's like a pile of mush but I like to mix if I'm making a like if I have a salad bowl obviously you're mixing the salad and if I have if I have meat on top of it I mix that in with the salad I'm not eating the meat off the top of the salad if that's do you get my yeah so I thought about like I like burritos because it's like all in it's like it's like all mixed in together and it, and it's, I'm doing this on purpose. Don't go to

the YouTube video to watch it. It's, it's portable. It's, uh, it's cause everything's fucking mixed together. So when you take a bite out of it, you're getting all this shit together and it's, it's beautiful. I love, I love fucking love burritos. So, um, I feel like five years ago, I would have been insecure about how much I talk about burritos on my podcast everyone likes when I talk about food and shit you guys like when I talk about childhood stories anything nostalgic about growing up you love that you like when I talk about food so whatever um we're gonna pause right now until I remember my train of thought oh ketchup so a couple weeks back oh my god it's we're finally getting here everyone we're finally

get into the story I make myself a salmon the vegetables the rice put it in my bowl then I go to my condiment section of my refrigerator the door okay I open that bitch I grab the truffle ketchup what else I put on there I got this like green goddess I poured some green goddess sauce from Trader Joe's on the side I don't know like something else what else what what other kind of sauces would go with well with that like I always put like a few sauces around the bowl oh my god this is it does anyone do I know this is like I told you like I like sauces maybe I'll do like a barbecue something spicy I can't believe I told you I'm like whatever I'm I'm so like, I like what I like. I shamelessly like what I like. Right. So I got the ketchup

out and should I open it right now? Yep. So weird. My body is so fucking weird. So I put the ketchup on the bowl and on the side of the bowl next to whatever. I'll eat it with broccoli I don't give a fuck it tastes great it's like it's like a red sauce uh it's a what okay so I put it next to the broccoli and I eat my dinner I was actually you'd be proud of me I wasn't in bed eating this that night I was at my table here eating it um I do remember that and like upon dipping who the fuck eats salmon and ketchup together was i doing that oh my god whatever i mean whatever i was dipping this i dipped something into the ketchup and i took a

bite. Okay. And I, okay. Let me smell it one more time. What happened? I took a bite And I'm like, this tastes like what this new guy I'm dating smells like, if that makes sense. He wears a cologne called Mont Blanc, and this ketchup from Trader Joe's smells just like it when you eat it. that's your tasting i'm like what the fuck it smell it tastes like what he smells like yeah and it's so weird i can't like go get a bottle of mont blanc from the cosmetic section of your local macy's get a get a little sample this could be your fun little adventure uh this week while you're listening to this and go to trader joe's get the truffle ketchup dip it in some broccoli or whatever dip broccoli what do you dip into you don't dip this this goes on

bitch this put this on a hot dog like why don't I do that like put it on a bun put it on a hamburger bun eat it eat it how it's supposed to be eaten like whatever does it say like you know how Trader Joe's has those little signs like this pairs well with fish and sprinkle this on top of popcorn and like they always have like an example what to use it for like I'm wondering what that is for this like what would they recommend using this for other than like hamburgers like grilling Jesus so that's kind of what happened it kind of like if I took a I'm not I'm not sticking my pinky in here like if I took a lick of it right now it like tastes like what he smells like and I'm like what the fuck and it's too similar it's like

it's freaky it's like is it because my I don't want to ask stupid rhetorical questions I don't know the answer to but like it's because I just like I smell I know what he smells like so then my nose receptors are like used to that smell lately and so then when I smelled this or an it was like a taste smell it's all connected they like remember that they like cross-compared scents and they were like ding ding ding ding ding and it was like oh these are similar so my body registered it as like as his smell or like as what he smells like so there's a ketchup story i don't really know what else to say about it other than god it's ruined for me he's gonna have to change i'm gonna have to it's got he's gonna have to switch it up or i i have to stop

eating the truffle ketchup or i'm actually fucking pissed speaking of cologne i have like 15 go-to perfumes I swear like I love rotating scents like I have a I have a signature scent I wear Chanel Chance the perfume the highest concentration of Chanel Chance I've been wearing that for years every man I've ever dated is like oh my god you smell so good you smell so good oh like freaks out when I wear that right and I recently ran out of it so I bought a new bottle I just said that fucking sentence I recently ran out of my perfume so I bought a new bottle as obviously and

yeah like I've been wearing different scents around him like while I was waiting for that to get delivered and I spent like 160 I think it was 160 on a big bottle of it and up until this point I've been wearing I wear like Issey Miyake I think that's how you say it Issey Miyake my aunt used to wear growing up I love that scent it's like a it's like an OG like if you know you know type of scent and kind of like yeah it's like it's a very specific smell or like unique smell so that cost me like 50 bucks right and I've worn like Tory Burch like one day I was just like I think he I don't even think we went on a date or something I don't know I like was wearing I think I wore it whatever I like put it on the morning decided to put Tory Burch on he was like oh my

god you smell so good so here i am on our fancy dinner date white linen looking over the fucking cove in la jolla eating lobster oh my god i'm just gonna paint a picture to paint i mean like that's what i'm a i'm a podcast host i tell stories i use i'm sharing the details about what went down so and i was so excited like my new perfume came and this is my favorite one oh my god oh my god so like i i received zero compliments zero comments about how great i smell and i poured on thick i laid it on thick okay it was i could smell myself so it's like all the other perfumes i wear he's like oh you smell so good oh my god oh my god and they're like fucking boring basic bitch perfumes in comparison to chanel which is like the one i've

been wearing the longest that i just think is it's the most like classic most beautiful sexy scent ever and nothing crickets and so then I've seen him since then I put on the issey miyake to test it out again this is so stupid and instantly I get in the car oh my god you smell so good so did I just waste $200 I mean I'm gonna still wear it for myself but like what the fuck you know he ruined this ketchup for me or he didn't he didn't do it whatever my body did that and Jesus. I mean, like, wow. What a whirlwind of stories. It's current. That's why I'm talking about, like, dating stuff right now. It's because that's what's going on in my life. I mean, to be honest, like, should I bring you into my, the real world of my life and, like, what I've

really been up to and, like, where, well, like, why I've been MIA. It's like, yeah, I work, if you don't know this like I work a full-time job I'm raising I'm a full-time single mom raising a golden retriever a lot of my day is like a good chunk of it is dog parks it's walking him it's going to the beach and that's like at least an hour a day and um yeah what else am I doing I'm dating now I'm more social than I used to be obviously when I remember when I started this podcast I was so cocky like last year I was like I'm gonna be the socialite of San Diego I'm gonna be like out there in the scene like shaking hands and meeting new people and making a bunch of new friends like going out and partying and it's like like I used to like I used to dream

about that for myself because I was literally friendless and just like depressed and just out like 2020 just like just threw me for a loop right and it's wild how like it's kind of what I'm doing now not kind of like it is and it just kind of happened it's like all the stars aligned for me and especially recently and I was saying that speaking of my job I mentioned this on a call in front of everyone about how like how did I say it oh I was like everyone I've been meeting recently recently this is this isn't just men like dating it's like girls too it's like I keep meeting people this has kind of been going on this whole year to be honest but recently I'm like meeting people where I go wow like they're they're on the same wavelength as me and they're the type

of people I could hang out with and talk for hours with and go on trips with and have like a fun life with like long like I just it's so crazy how recently every single person I've met is like that and I've had, yeah, all these amazing, like, new connections unfold, and it just feels really good, I feel like that's why I'm so happy, and I'm just happy as fuck, like, I'm just in such a good place, and, yeah, it makes me, like, almost, like, emotional, because I used to, you guys all know, I used to fucking struggle and deal with my personal, it's, like, my own, it's all, it was all in my head bullshit about you know my life and who i thought i was or who i how i perceive myself and how much i hated myself you know all that stuff so where are we at we got to test the

burrito the weight i'm gonna get my scale out maybe i could turn this into a long-term science experiment and sue them i'm kidding i'm like what the fuck like the weight constantly decreases over time and i send them like i give them a report i'm pissed about the corn the tj the tijuana corn is so good so yeah that's kind of what's left here um didn't mention didn't mention mention i saw top gun impeccable pristine flawless every single shot was like holy shit just an absolute masterpiece and yeah so i saw that big fan i i mean i don't remember the i saw the first one like a super long time ago i don't remember it at all but i was i was just like wow this is like this is a i said at the end i was like this is a that was a that was a goddamn movie

and it was, it was so good. So go see Top Gun. Highly recommend. I know everyone and their mom's like glowing when they talk about it or gushing about it, but, um, yeah, it was great. And then Jurassic Park was amazing. I saw that last night. Um, yeah, I'm seeing, I like seeing movies and I miss it. I like to go once a month at least, but recently it's been ramping up, um, the last couple weekends um yeah I think that covers the episode as far as stories go I do have my appliance collection I want to share and then we'll do the burrito it's getting cold should I do that for no I'll do the I'll just I'll just I'll make this quick so like I don't know when did I get Jimmy Jimmy I got Jimmy January or February end of January 2021 so he's a year and a half

right now. And I remember podcasting and talking about how I'm going to, I'm like a Zamboni driver every single night. Like a Zamboni driver is the person at the end of the, at the end of the hockey match or the end of the ice skating presentation. What do they do? Ice skating, ice skating show. They're the person that go, they comb the ice. They make it all like flat again without any skate marks they're a zamboni driver okay and isn't that in what's that christmas christmas movie the snowman one jack frost wasn't there a zamboni driver in that movie there's like an old movie i'm thinking about it's like the only movie i've ever seen with a zamboni driver in it i think it was i think it was that one so um yeah i used to make comments

saw on the podcast about how every single night i'm a zamboni driver because he was pissing and shitting all over the floor when he was a puppy like just so dirty like every single and it was just it was such a every night i had to like clean the floor but with a mop and i have this flat mop just back and forth back because i couldn't wake up the next morning and see the you know the it wasn't like i left the piss on the floor but it just like grossed me the fuck out so every single night i i mopped it i cleaned it super yeah okay so the point of me saying this is i it's it's gotten better he's fully potty trained you know it's fine um there's nothing he's not peeing on the floor anymore obviously but the floor is still a bitch to keep clean

it's still a bitch and i finally purchased a floor robot that does it for me okay that sweeps the floor for me that picks up all the dog hair and i got this on amazon it was highly reviewed it was like one of the top reviewed ones it's called it's not the eye robot it's called oofy oofy i think oofy e-u-f-y and this is recently like changing it's so it's so satisfying like i love i'll follow this around and just watch it when I first got it and turned it on I like I pressed the start button I was like oh my god it's like it's doing it it's clean oh my god and I'm like watching the crumbs go and I'm like I'm monitoring it making sure that the sweepers work and it's actually like cleaning everything

so is this an appliance yeah it's a cleaning tool it's a it's a piece it's a beautiful piece of technology I'm so happy to live in 2022 where we have fucking robots to clean our floor okay so that was the first thing I'm stoked about sharing with you because of cleaning up after a golden retriever in a in an apartment in the city where it's dirty yeah I guess that's the point of me telling you this it's like that's my it's my daily hell it's like it's what I have to constantly deal with it's like hair dog hair always all the time everywhere like in my butt crack like in my mouth it gets my eyes sometimes um it's always on my any any of my my yoga pants you know I have lint rollers like five in every room it's so bad so um I finally I finally got

something so the second thing I got for the dog hair is the Bissell pet hair eraser okay that's what this thing's called super high powered and it comes with this extension on the front of it just love it so it comes with this extension this like head on it that has these really grippy um sweepers that spin and what I use this for is my red couch so I have a red couch it's kind of got a crushed velvet uh fabric to it I don't really know the actual fabric and prior to buying this I was taking my Bissell vacuum this like light it's like small and I was vacuuming the couch it's like a long stem it's like a it's not like a big ass like Dyson vacuum it's like a it's like a long stick one that you know what I mean you guys it's like this thing

if you go on YouTube or Spotify to watch what I'm demonstrating right now with a handle okay so I lift, I was lifting that up on the couch to get the dog hair twice a day. I'm always, it's twice a day with the dog hair on the couch. I'm, I'm vacuuming and it's just, it wasn't doing it. It wasn't getting, it wasn't getting it really clean. So I got, I finally got this and it's changed the game. Highly recommend. Um, it's so satisfying. Like I love that this, this, um, what's this called this um holder this fur holder this dirt portion of the vacuum where it collects is clear there we go because I can watch the hair go in and I can like see how much it's filling up it's so satisfying I love you guys by the way I love cleaning so like I'm such a cleaning products

nerd that's why I'm stoked about the little robot and I'm stoked about this like I love cleaning I love having the right tools for the job I finally do so it took me so long I'm like because I'm the type of person and this is something I actually I'm vocal about and it's an insecurity kind of it's just like it always there's a lot of things in my life where there's like obviously a better way to do it or like a more efficient way or like and I don't see it until someone comes in my life and they're like hey have you ever thought about maybe like getting a handheld vacuum for your couch that, um, has a dog hair extension that would, or like, they wouldn't know that. Like, maybe they didn't know that much about a vacuum, but they're like, so then you don't have to like

break your back to lift your vacuum on it. You know, you can have something more portable or have you ever thought about getting a little robot for your floor? Because, um, it would do the dog hair cleaning for you. Maybe that would, you know, like, so certain things like it's fresh eyeballs that I need sometimes to like help me improve what I'm doing it's hard to explain there's certain there's certain things this applies to not everything I mean I'm my shit together and every like with everything right but like certain things it's like it's nice to have fresh eyeballs come in and go oh I would do this instead and then you're like ah that's such a good idea so it's hard you know when you're single living on your own in your own place you get in

the routine you get what happens you're desensitized by your environment you're so used to seeing it you're so used to doing your same old, same old cleaning routine and whatever. So the third thing I want to show you, I've had this forever. It's my Levoit. Why am I doing this right now? I want to, I'm hungry. What time is it? 1.13 PM. I ordered that burrito like an hour ago. And here I am showing you appliances instead of weighing that bitch and seeing how much they stuffed it this time. Cause this is now the fifth time I've ordered since they cut back on the packaging and cut back on portions and I want to know like you know is that still happening um yeah but this air purifier is going on 24 7 with the dog the dander it's getting so much dander it's so

satisfying to clean the little tray in the bottom of it um highly recommend an air purifier especially especially if you live in a city oh my god that's your health and wellness advice for the episode so I think that is it let's go uh get this burrito let's assess the situation and I'll end the episode and I'll upload it and have a great day I do have a another date yet again uh 7 30 pickup it's so nice I swear to god it's like a man with a plan so nice just just tell me what time to be ready. It's very simple. Don't ask me, what do you want to do? Where should we go? Where do you want to eat? Just fucking plan it. And then I'll show that's what I just, I could go on and on and on about like what works for me in a relationship best or like, what is a nice to

like, yeah. Like what, like how to treat a woman, what women like me might want. That might be helpful. I have a, I have a huge, um, mostly male audience. Maybe that would be helpful to talk about. Uh, because I've experienced, like, here's the thing I've experienced at all. I've dated a lot. I've been on a lot of dates. I've had, I've been in a few serious relationships and maybe that could be the angle I go with, um, in the future with a show, or I add that in a lot more than I have been. Um, I barely like up until recently, I never talked about relationship stuff. but yeah I've experienced it all and I feel like I have a lot to say on what women like versus what they don't like and I mean like recently oh my god here's a great example I cut someone off based

off of that alone like the lack of planning the lack of being taking the lead the lack of setting a time and a date and following through like they were very wishy-washy and just like free-flowing with me and like on the day they wanted to go on a date they're like you want to hang tonight like don't that just didn't work for me I cut them off purely because it just like that part of it was like not it wasn't happening for me so um time is my most valuable um asset commodity whatever and it's just like that kind of like indecisive free flow and kind of communication with me when I'm dating you especially in the beginning doesn't it's just a waste of my time so there for the men out there listening this jar has a leak how does that work it's glass and it's not broken

wait what the fuck wait how does that work it's just a little tiny sliver that's gonna cut my hand later. Can't wait when I do the dishes. Okay. Let's get this burrito down my throat and my hands. Do my hands match my neck? I'm all over the place here. Guys, I, this is a long episode. I feel like shout out spray tanning your hands and not spray tanning your face or your neck because you apply life-saving. I was going to say anti-aging and life-saving um skincare products on it every night and every day where you can't have the spray tan on it like I don't ladies it's not worth it keep your keep up your skincare routine stop putting self-tanner all over your goddamn face like what it just I don't even think it looks that good

or it makes you look dirty like a really tan face oh my you know what I meant by that does everyone know what I meant by that if you're naturally born and god-given with a tan face you don't look dirty that's not what i mean i'm talking about the patchiness of putting like the look of patchy like blotchiness of self-tanner on a face that's lighter that god damn it i have a compliment to make about a woman that has a darker skin jesus christ from jurassic park the woman the pilot woman is so fuck why do i have to do this right now i'm like backtracking like okay now go compliment someone a person of color a po go say that oh my god that wasn't that

bad but i always like tiptoe and tap dance around any comment commentary or any i i don't make comments about anything skin tone related but here i am bringing up my goddamn spray tan not matching my face and saying that putting self tan like keep up your skincare routine ladies keep your natural skin tone on your face and your neck like put on your neck cream don't forget your neck never forget your neck like that's gonna look like a turkey neck someday if you don't fucking moisturize it every night like let's fucking go let's it's not that hard just put put on your skincare every night um you know take care of your face and don't put the self tanner on it because how do you do skincare with with self tanner on top of it i feel like that

it's just not, it's not penetrating in the right way, pause, um, so, yeah, again, all skin tones are beautiful, you don't, you don't look dirty if you have a tan face, that's not what I meant, okay, it's in my lap, let me get the, the angry, angry glasses back on, the rage glasses, this is when I'm pissed off, and I'm, I'm going off. These are, these are blue glasses are it for that kind of mood. Okay. So we have napkins. That's fine. We have a fork and a knife for the future, future picnic. I always keep them for, for that reason. And then bag of chips. That's like the normal amount. Yep. Okay. Not mad about that, Jimmy. Let's get you a big one. Good boy. I'll set one on the side of

the table here for him. Okay. The chip portion's looking fine, but you have to understand the Tijuana corn was going to cost me four more dollars. It's not coming with this. Yep. I got the hot salsa, the hot red salsa, hot sauce, the cilantro sauce. And instead of just giving me the salsa verde, the green one, they doubled. This is like what doesn't make sense. They doubled down here. They gave me two of the cilantro's and two of the hot red. They used to give you one of each. So wait, I'm getting more salsas here. Wait, what kind of math is it? Wait. So they're I have to do math right now wait so they're they used to give you three now they give you two of the same so you're getting four but you're missing a third hot sauce that usually

yeah like what the fuck okay I'm hesitant to pick it up I don't want to get disappointed I'm gonna so fucking pissed if it's it's light okay hold on let me set put this on set jimmy come on so okay this plate is a example this is a great example of what i'm talking about here what i'm looking for in a plate this is a bamboo plate with a nice dip in it do you see that please go and watch this on youtube i'm like i'm putting on a show right now this is like full-on show and tell mode mukbang mukbang eating on camera mode or segment this is that kind of segment okay so this is like the example a good example it's got

a little dip to it it's not fully flat um yeah so okay okay so I've lifted the burrito now but I'm not I'm not really commenting on it oh god okay let me remove the bag it's got so many I don't know why I should have taken it out of the bag before now this is so disgusting um all right so yep yep yep yep like it's got to be how many pounds do this has got to be like a pound

yeah this reminds me if i got a pound of turkey at the grocery store at the deli I remember like my mom growing up would be like hey can you go get a couple pounds of turkey for sandwiches for lunches and like some roast beef and whatever and I'd ask for a pound or a couple pounds so I remember vivid like I know what that feels like when you're holding up a food item like this feels like a pound but is it double wrapped I'm so pissed no it's not double wrapped this time okay I don't like to unwrap the full burrito I don't want to do this you can see it

yeah it just doesn't it's huge as fuck I mean this is like bitch like do you need anything bigger than that like I mean yeah like I I want the I want what I originally was ordering for the last um like year and a half at this place and yeah it's just kind of like not it not what it used to be fuck I dated this guy one time that's such a terrible like I mean like it's just so it's so fucking annoying this kind of shit like I don't want to date a guy that's on a that's that's on a more intense diet than I'm on like I'm always I'm always like watching what the fuck I eat like I'm always like or you know what I mean I'm eating healthy right but I don't want of date someone that's like really OCD and like really like I can't have carbs can't like they

would never like order rice with anything or like they would never have any bread no pasta no carbs so like I used to date this guy that would like take this extra flap here and rip it off because he like didn't he's like oh well this is like just extra you're not you don't even need that it's not even part of the like but like it is kind of like dry and like useless but I always eat it like I'm not that I'm not like analyze I like the whole whole point of me saying this is like who's analyzing that with a burrito like oh if I remove this and it's like 30 less carbs go like just fucking just eat eat and shut the fuck up that's what I like don't talk about it you guys know me my three or four episodes ago go read the title like a bitch has been through

it with eating stuff and you know what I can't hang if you're like that when I'm hanging around you can't do it I'm all for being healthy and being health conscious and like I mean I am a very I eat very fucking healthy okay I I do and I'm aware of what I'm putting in my body do I order an occasional burrito why is that it's not even that it's like yeah like when I'm it's 1 30 I ate peanut M&M's, I'm talking about eating healthy, I had fucking peanut M&M's for dinner last night, fucking Diet Coke, a huge thing of it, and then, like, two margaritas, that was my goddamn dinner, so, like, I'm saying, the whole, like, I apply the 80-20 thing to my diet and nutrition, okay, whatever, and I'm, I, I, I work out every day, and I give a fuck about staying fit, so everything's

fine. It's all fine. I don't need to over-explain that, but, um, yeah, here and there I'll order myself some takeout, especially when it's been this long. I need some substance sustenance in my body. Um, so I'm not going to eat this on camera. I'm not going to do that to you unless you want to know. I just, I just don't want, I, um, I ate an egg once. Yeah. Go look on my Instagram for this video of me eating an egg in 2020 on the episode. Go find that. I think if you go to my videos, I'm blonde. I have my hair in a messy, it's bleach blonde. I'm in, I'm wearing a messy bun or it's in a messy bun and I'm talking about eating an egg or eat, eat the egg. And I talk about it. I was 2020. That was, that was a time, but, um, yeah. So where was I at with this

burrito oh men who are on a worse diet than I am people that are like constantly like nitpicky about like if you go to a restaurant they're like um so like no butter with the broccoli please when you saute it just no butter oil like extra virgin olive oil like that kind of shit I don't know I just it kind of triggered it's not like oh I'm triggered I'm just so annoyed I'm like it's not that deep it's not that serious just like eat and shut the fuck up it's food it's it's just it's fine you're not gonna die as long as you're keeping it tight and you know and most of the time and you're working out then when you're at dinner with people don't be that guy don't be that guy is that that quote just like relax just fucking relax everyone's wound wound tight about their

goddamn abs it's like it's not just you're gonna you're fine okay I'm like what I'm saying to you I'm like telling myself that too I've told this is how I healed from all my shit it's like you're not gonna die you're not gonna get fat if you eat you know this extra sliver of fucking tortilla on your burrito okay period end of story i should sum it up with that um i think we covered it all one more one more recap um um bitched about the burrito I mean my heart goes out I can't imagine when it's like going going through a or owning a restaurant right now with a food shortage happening the price hikes and the

inflation like what the fuck you know that's got it my heart goes out so I get it if I was running this business I would probably do something similar I probably wouldn't do this salsa bullshit where you're like getting four instead of three of one of each if that makes sense yeah yeah like I'd probably eat the tray is it's a nice touch it's it's convenient to have the tray um it's nice to have the free side that comes with the burrito I mean it's already like it's already so much food it's already a full bag of chips it's already a burrito like do I need a side no I never really finish like I just like pick at it and then I never actually finish it but now they're charging extra for that it's just like I don't know I'd probably do that I

i guess i'd do it too so uh stay strong if you're running a restaurant out the restaurant out there right now or just any business um the waters are rough and is this the is this the bottom are we at the bottom i keep seeing i don't watch these youtube videos but i keep seeing like all these finance guys i used to watch talk about or like post videos about the economy right now and and what's happening with inflation and even like they're I don't know all this like all this like finance stuff financial stuff stock market especially they're always talking about that real estate blah blah and all the headlines are like they're so like in it's all clickbaity probably but they're so like they're all like like stop spending money now save your or what

i could like look them up they're just everything's intense like recession is coming this is not the bottom yet um i kind of want to go to youtube oh my god that was an old youtube video of me i pulled up and me bitching about the media from 2014 holy shit i mentioned that last episode it's a private video I did like a get to know me video I mentioned college I started ranting about the media because I used to want to be a news reporter and I talked about how like I had an epiphany about it and I was like I don't want to be a part of I don't want to be a talking head I don't want to do this I don't know go listen last episode so yeah recession alert why the market is falling this guy's what else is he posting the layoffs have started recession warning

stop spending crash inevitable how to make a hundred dollars a day recession proof the crypto reset explained you know shout out to this guy i'm going to say his name you know go subscribe to him he's a great he's he makes really well thought out like super concise informative like very easily for someone that doesn't understand a lot about the stock market and just anything finance related like i have a very like i have a basic you know understanding of it all he's great at explaining things in a simple way and his name's andre jick but like lately, every time I go to YouTube, it's like, there's like dollar bills on fire in the background of his, um, or for his, um, what's it called? Your video, the cover photo for your video.

What's it called? You know, you all know what I'm talking about. The first picture, picture you see of a YouTube video, cover photo. It's not that I know what it's called. I make them for my podcast um yeah so shout out to all the small business owners or the people that are running restaurants right now um yeah I don't want to oh we talked about the towing getting the car towed on our date when we talked for five hours we talked I talked about the ketchup smelling like his cologne and how that's ruined for me now. I talked about, um, going to Jurassic Park, Top Gun, Turkey rebranding.

Oh, the Diet Coke. Go do this. Put Diet Coke in a LaCroix. That's it. All right. I'm going to end the episode on that. Put Diet Coke in a LaCroix. Put Balsamic Vinegar in a LaCroix. If you want to have if you want to see if that tastes like diet coke for yourself i'm actually gonna do it once i go to finally go grocery shopping and get my life together a little asmr for the end here how the fuck do people get turned on by that noise or like tingly how does this make you tingle what the fuck i don't have i don't have misophonia where someone's when someone's eating next to me and i'm and i hear it i don't freak out by that i don't even that doesn't even register

in my brain but the whole eating and hearing the chewing on a microphone thing the asmr thing like how the like how do people i don't understand why people tune in and watch that on youtube as a way like as a like what is that like watching porn for them but like it's like food porn oh my god that's actually kind of like what it is i'm doing this right now i'm like i'm licking the salsa cup lid god if that just turned you on please seek help like what the fuck

oh my god we all have our things you know we all have our things um i need to end the episode i never i never do this quickly and um okay i'll plug everything so please subscribe to the podcast wherever you're listening right now go over to youtube or spotify to watch and head over to go to youtube or spotify to watch is that what i just said go over to oh my god patreon i'm so tired patreon.com just drink a coffee on an empty stomach podcasted on a midday on a saturday for like two hours I'm it's bad I need to I need to like I should I should probably take a nap

before I eat this recover like get my sleep in first holy shit patreon.com slash tjms if you want to support the show uh go check it out uh tip the waitress is that what I said in the beginning or it's like a church donation it's the donation basket coming down along the aisle it's getting passed down to you and when it comes to you you put in five dollars and you feel good about yourself for donating to charity or giving back to the church it's probably they all i feel like the church always kept the money it's keeping the church alive i always thought that shit went to the homeless or something all the donation money probably not knowing knowing the catholic church and all the all the bullshit about it and all the you know um it's probably you're probably

like, pocketing the money to keep the church, to keep building the church, and keep bringing people in, and whatever, um, to patreon.com slash tjms, five dollars a month, if you want to support me, and follow me on Instagram at Jacqueline Monroe, that's it, yeah, I'll just end with, I hope you're happy, I hope you're fulfilled, and I hope you, I hope you love yourself, because, yeah, you're the shit, just tell yourself you're the shit, and you're, because you are, like, cut out of whatever bullshit's in your head right now about how much of a loser you think you are, how much you think you're not good enough, or how much you're not, you know, where you're at in life, or you're not as far along as you want to be right

now like just cut it out you're fucking amazing you're the shit and you're fucking worth it and there's no one else i i heard this this was a line in jurassic park last night you're one of one bitch okay you're there's no one else but no one else out there that's you and own that be confident about that fucking like remember that all the time because yeah everyone's got something to bring to the table and you're important and you're amazing and valuable and like everything about you is cool like wow there's your pep talk I'm not good at that I just I don't know how to end the episode with without something positive I feel like I bitched a lot on this one encouragement you're you're you're doing amazing sweetie you're

doing amazing, sweetie. Don't forget that. You know, whatever, wherever you're at right now, find a mirror. All right, find a mirror. Look into that mirror. Stare yourself in the eyes, into your soul. Actually, do this every morning and say, I'm sexy. I'm smart. I'm talented. I'm kind. And people want to fuck me. That's what you tell yourself every single morning. Especially the people want to fuck me part because that's important. Because your, your hot piece of ass, don't ever forget that, ever, just, yeah, anyone listening right now, I'm assuming is a hot, you're, you're fucking hot as shit, and people want to fuck you, and that's, that's, how cool is that, so, all right, happy day, I don't know what day you're listening

right now but for me it's it's a happy Saturday I'm gonna chill I'm gonna like take a nap eat some food walk my dog clean turn my little robot on clean my floor and yeah go out again tonight probably I don't know what I'm gonna do but I was told just be ready at 7 30 whatever that means and can't wait I love a surprise I love a surprise I love to I love not knowing like when we're driving to dinner where the fuck we're even going it's so much fun like I just really just does something to me so okay love you guys have a great day thank you for listening and hanging out, taking the time. And I will talk to you. I will not miss two weeks ever again. Knock on wood. It's my goal right now. Don't miss. Bitch, don't miss a week. Come on. You've

been doing this for a year and a half. You used to do this seven days a week for 300 days. Don't miss. Stop making excuses. Yeah, Jacqueline, yes, you got swept off your feet over the last couple weeks. Actually, it's been more, it's been like, this is like four weeks now, but that's not an excuse to, uh, slack off on your podcast. So that's what I'm going to, that's what I'm going to tell myself in the mirror every morning. All right. Love you guys. Have a great day. And I'll talk to you next week. Bye.