The Jacqueline Monroe Show - 321- My Dirty Little Secret

Episode Date: September 13, 2022

😇😇😇 Patreon.com/TJMS

What's up, guys? It's episode 321. Welcome back to the show. hey what's up it's Jacqueline welcome back to the show um hi this is going to be my two-year podcast anniversary episode happens to be episode three two one I don't know why I think that's funny but um yeah this is my two-year podcast anniversary episode plus I'll be discussing it's gonna be a real serious discussion when I say discussing I'm gonna be recapping my trip to Montana and um so yeah thank you for being here thanks for hanging out today please hit that subscribe button wherever you're listening right now wait before I tell you to subscribe and all that I'm also going to be revealing

a dirty little secret of mine that I haven't shared with anyone ever before and it's something that I'm very ashamed of and I'm ashamed to admit publicly but I feel like I can't keep anything a secret. And I feel inclined to tell you today. So stay tuned for that. But yeah, first, please hit that subscribe button wherever you're listening right now. I'm on Apple, Spotify, wherever you listen to podcasts. And also you can watch us on YouTube today. So the last couple episodes are audio only. This is a video podcast. Please subscribe to my YouTube channel and follow me on Instagram at Jacqueline Rowe. And where else? TikTok at Jacqueline Rowe. I'm everywhere. So yeah, do it. Do the things, all the things to support me. I really appreciate it.

And honestly, I'll take, I just want to take a moment to thank you right now. If you've been a longtime listener or just a new listener, whatever, thanks for being here for the first time. Thank you for following along the last two years and, you know, supporting the show and listening and commenting and DMing me all the sweet messages over the years. I mean, it's over the years now. That's crazy. Two years of podcasting. Wow. Yeah, it means a lot to me. I feel like I've built a mini little community here and it's really cool that people are we can like interact on I don't know it's like the it's the best part of podcasting is when you talk out loud and you say things that are on your mind someone relates to that and they send you a message or whatever

it's it's the best thing so thank you thank you thank you um this is my passion this is what I want to do and it's so cool that I'm you know you support me and you're here and I don't know it's like why am I doing a fucking Oscars speech right now um yeah I mean I'm pulling all the weight here I'm doing all the work you're just pressing play but like was that insulting why am I getting insulting should I put the sunglasses on now I feel like I'm really on one guys there's a guy on the curb right now a biker in his bike shorts and his helmet eating cantaloupe like a half a cantaloupe with a spoon and this particular section of the curb is where jimmy when i take him out quickly he rocks he rocks he walks right to the curb where there's rocks and he pisses so this

is this guy sitting on my dog's piss and probably the whole neighborhoods uh all the neighborhood a dog's face eating his fucking cantaloupe and uh yeah you know back to the award-winning what was I saying the Oscars award speech like I don't know like one day I decided to do a podcast and two years later I'm still doing it and it's it it definitely feels good to know that um you're listening and you're getting something out of this when I post a new episode and it bring some sort of like you know warmth into your life or entertainment or comfort whatever it is for you like that's the best feeling is knowing that because I know what that's like when I listen to other podcasts I always say this so it's cool that I can provide that for you and I just want

to again thank you thank you thank you um for tuning in and being a subscriber and all those great things. So, um, I have a knife on my desk. Okay. This is a weird segue. I don't know why I have that. I also have a, nevermind. I need to stay on task. So I'm drinking. If you want to know what I'm drinking today, I used to always tell you what I was drinking. So it's an iced coffee from Starbucks um I've been on a kick recently I've been getting this like every single time um I go to Starbucks and it's an iced triple espresso blonde espresso shots with salted cold foam on top and you get it in a grande cup so there's enough room for the cold foam um we went to after my workout with my boyfriend this morning we went to this Starbucks in Mission

beach and it's a walk-up Starbucks and a drive-thru. So you either walk up or you drive through. Right. And I made the dumb decision to walk there. I said, let's stretch our legs. You know, we just did leg day, like let's stretch our legs and walk to Starbucks. He's like, no, let's take the car and go through the drive-thru. And anyways, we ended up walking there. And first of all, like just, and holy shit. Um, I don't know what I'm doing right now. Holy shit. Like podcasting is like actually kind of hard. What did I, what did I learn in the last years of podcasting? I have a motor mouth and I get tongue tied and I get, it's hard for me to articulate myself uh so yeah uh we walk up to the Starbucks and the order took like fucking it usually takes

to order this drink 30 seconds right for some reason it took two minutes she's trying to find the buttons on the screen the whole time maybe she was new it was very like I I feel like she was under the influence of something I don't know I don't want to assume that but like something was off. You know what I mean? First of all, this usually costs, um, I'll say, first of all, okay. I just want to take a moment right here to collect myself. I feel like I need to pray. Um, just a moment. I need a moment of silence and pause. Jacqueline, you press record today to talk about your two years of podcasting. We're going to talk about what you learned and how much, you know, the before and after, the then and now, the who you were then and who you are now.

You're going to talk about that. Then you're going to recap your most amazing trip ever. You're going to recap the Montana trip for everyone. and I'm talking about going to Starbucks this morning and how long it took to order my drink and how I think this girl was like doing fucking quaaludes or some shit. I don't even know what she was on. It was like, not something was not right. Okay. Back to the story. I'll re I'll sum it up in two seconds here. Uh, normally this costs $3 and 60 cents if they, if they punch it in right sometimes it's like 4 20 for something uh today for my drink I got two of

these one for me one for my boyfriend it was 16 each of these were eight dollars so I was just like what the fuck and it tasted like water so long story short I came home I made another espresso shot to add to it and then I dumped in my nut pods my toasted marshmallow nut pods creamer that's what I'm drinking that's what this segment was I told you what I was going to drink just like I used to um when I first started podcasting was always like a thing um and I also did a coffee fact um okay so I did take notes let me I like how my not my last episode though 319 was literally titled smells like fish I'm actually thinking about doing something with my episode titles like i almost want to like make a t-shirt not for merch just for like me maybe like

having stuff that says the episode titles on it like a sign because if you read my episode titles it's like um there's it's my favorite it's one of my favorite things about podcasting like covid is voldemort um beef liver and chill um smells like fish was 319 um pumpkin spice cockroaches that was last August um just like anyways um one of my titles no clue I think there's one titled my top three favorite hot dogs I did an entire episode about hot dogs um yeah anyways why did I get on this topic now oh I was looking at my notes see I distracted on my phone. Football season is back. I wrote this and I'm back. So tomorrow I'll be watching the Seahawks go Seahawks. I'm a Seahawks fan. They're playing the Broncos. Um, so I'm super stoked about football

season coming back. Um, so that's a current event happening in the world. I wrote that on my note today to talk about, um, and the lottery winner of the mega million still hasn't claimed or come forward. That's also here. Um, to your anniversary, what I learned recap me now versus then. Okay. So I mean should I do the long story or should I do the um the quick elevator pitch on how I started podcasting if you're new um like okay two years have gone by and I can look back now and go like like actually who is she like I don't even recognize myself back then I've changed so

much in such a positive way I've grown so much as a person I've fucking I've healed every single thing I struggled with when I started podcasting two years ago I've that's all gone so I'm really proud of that I feel like I've come so far I do get messages here and there about that like wow you've really um grown so much like I listened to this episode and I like wow you know shit like that and it's it's true like this podcasting thing really helped me and healed all my personal bs that I struggled with for my entire 20s and forever like honestly when I look back I've struggled I was kind of a I mean I was kind of a depressed I was like a happy kid but I've always kind of been down about myself and my self-esteem was always low

my identity I had identity issues I honestly just like hated myself forever and so now it's like wow two years of podcasting talking all out um just maturing growing up and getting older and wiser has completely fixed all that negative bs that I've literally dealt with since I was a kid Like so weird to say that. Um, but anyways, if you listen to the original, so wait, the story of how I started podcasting, what was I going to do? Um, yeah, the first episode is so depressing to listen to. I don't, uh, is it called ice coffee and chill? No. The very first episode is actually episode 200 I'll repeat myself the very first episode is now I got us now I got someone doing sprints up the hill okay I need like horse blinders on like when they're in the

parade and they have the little blinders on so they don't like see the horse next to them and they're staying focused on marching forward okay so I posted the very first episode on SoundCloud the night I did it. And that episode didn't end up going on Apple and Spotify. The second episode technically did, if that makes sense. So on the 200th episode, this is some fucking math you have to figure out right now. On the 200th episode, I decided, or for the 200th episode, I decided to post the original episode one, the actual episode one. If you want to listen to a different jacqueline at jacqueline in 2020 september 4th 2020 just fucking struggling episode 200 uh i if enjoy i mean it is what it is like i i you know i i listened to that i remember when i posted it

for episode 200 and i got i got real sad about myself i was like god i was such i was in such a dark place. I mean, it's weird. I was such a sad person then. And now I'm like, yeah, anyways. So also something I did is I took, I pulled my old iPhone. What was it? My iPhone eight plus seven plus out of the cupboard. And I charged it and I looked back at old photos from that time when I started podcasting and I had all the I had screenshots of like shit I wanted my like things I wanted in the studio and the type of microphone I wanted I had you guys vote on the type of microphone I should use and I decided on the pop star headset I used to post so much more on my Instagram story like you guys here's the thing I feel like the difference between me then and now

is like now I'm actually living a high quality life doing high quality high quality like now I'm actually living life I'm actually doing things I'm actually mentally well and I'm like full I'm fucking full and I was so empty then and that's the difference between then and now it's like empty Jacqueline, depressed, nothing going on, just struggling during the pandemic, trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. Going from that to literally every day is a party. I am in a incredible relationship where like, I said this and I wish I could find the episode, I literally, this was my, this was my, um, goal for myself in my life. I said, all I want to do is enjoy life and have fun and laugh really hard where it like hurts every

single day. I want to laugh where my abs hurt every single day. And I'm in a situation now with, I'm going to gush. I keep doing this on every episode recently. I met my best friend and he makes me laugh that hard all day long and it's like the best thing ever and I'm I don't know if that's manifesting but I said that on one of the episodes here and I have that and that single that little thing just laughing really hard daily is like a 10x that my quality of life and my experiences every I'm like everything is fun everything's a good time um it's just I feel yeah so full and um she's making her dog sprint her dogs run up the hill with her doing these sprints it's a german shepherd okay cool um yeah and it's crazy i i just feel so like wow i

i don't know i guess that's how life works you go there's peaks and valleys peaks and valleys i'm on a fucking peak right now my valleys now like i go through why am i wearing nerdy secretary glasses um you know I go through my little valleys but they're not as deep anymore like I know I yeah I don't want to talk about this shit I'm like I want to talk about Montana honestly here's a quick story about how I started podcasting um so okay let me drink my coffee even though I don't need it and then after I finish this little story time segment I'm gonna tell you my dirty little secret that I've been keeping to myself but I haven't told anyone about

so it's coming it's coming oh my god oh my god it's like not even a big dirty secret it's like actually so relatable like this thing I'm gonna tell you is probably so relatable for so many people out there listening and I'm disgusted by it I'm mortified I'm like disturbed I'm like not I'm here's the word I'm not proud of it the word is I am not proud of myself um about this dirty little secret thing like when I okay so I've told this story many times but the reason I started podcasting was very um it was unplanned I didn't set out to be a podcast host I never was like oh yeah like podcasting is cool I want to be a podcaster too oh my god I listen to so many podcasts I want to be you know part of the podcast club and do you know nothing like that I was

literally at the time unemployed no I was employed so I was September 4th 2020 I was working for a PR firm remotely a startup PR firm I was the first employee I got hired during the pandemic It's a startup company, um, that I'm no longer with now, but it was like crazy kind of whirlwind of like my ex company hired a COO. She reached out to me during the very beginning of the pandemic and said, I'm doing this mastermind. I want to link people together over zoom so we can all work on our goals during the pandemic. Like while all this is weird and we can keep, you know, our lives going and we can keep, you know, achieving things, even though we're all locked up right now.

so anyways I get on this mastermind I meet this guy we're accountability partners he's like I want to start a PR company I'm like that's cool I want to what did I say I think I was like I want to find a job I think that's what I told him and then like three months later he hits me up he's like hey I started the PR company you want to work for me and then like he hired me literally I'm the first employee and then um yeah it just like snowballed and then you know so I'm working for him remote um doing PR shit um I don't want to name drop but there's someone I reached out to in the podcast universe day one on the job and that's like a really big deal to me that I got their response on the first day of the job and I used that to find my or that was part of my

during my interviews of my new job I mentioned that and everyone shit their pants and I and I anyways um I just like have a knack for getting people to like talk to me and I don't know what that is but people respond when I talk to them I have a way with Jesus Christ you know what what did I learn the last few years of podcasting you have to be your biggest cheerleader and your biggest hype woman your best friend you always have to hype yourself up talk yourself up and this is actually becoming a problem because when my boyfriend now comments on me or compliments me I don't say thank you I start saying I say I know and that's I think I've it's kind of gone too far when it's like anyways so just be your biggest hype woman cheerleader I know what I'm good at

I know what my strengths are I know what my weaknesses are like that's a positive thing I'm not another thing I I um bitch and rant about this all the time but like I hate people that are full of air and don't think their shit smells and they're just like super cocky and like I don't want everyone to come across like that or pretentious or like I'm better than other people but like I know what I'm good at I know what I suck at but um so yeah if I feel am I bragging am I like being I don't I don't I feel I don't my biggest fear is I don't want to come across that way I am humble pie girl next door I'm just like you I'm your friend we're all the same we're all people we're all on our own journeys living our own lives we're all we all

have strengths weaknesses opportunities and threats all right do a swat analysis on yourself fucking night oh my god Jacqueline get to the fucking story this is what happens when I put the sunglasses on god damn it okay so this knife is I have another thing about me I have intrusive thoughts that are gory and this knife I just had one with this knife and am I a psychopath serial killer probably runs of the family that's another story for another time um actually that's not a true story. No one in my family is a convicted or a serial killer. I don't know why I said that. Um, okay. Pause. So I didn't set out to be a podcast host. All right. I got a DM on September 4th, 2020. It was a, probably like a Thursday night. I worked all day and

sit on my couch I turn on the TV I turn on YouTube and this is back when you can watch the Joe Rogan experience on YouTube you can watch all like the whole episode all the way through this is before he went over to Spotify exclusively and you know should I just fucking say this because you know what I am being my biggest cheerleader and hype woman right now he congratulated me when i got on spotify okay that was cool and that's me probably saying too much right now and i i usually keep things private like that like things that happen the dms but that was a big deal within two years of podcasting i get over to spotify video and i get a congrats from joe rogan okay i don't know i'm nobody all right i'm literally nobody but that was fucking

that's that was a big day that was a cool thing um so yeah so basically i'm popping popcorn i'm about to watch the Duncan Trussell episode, the five hour episode of Joe Rogan alone on the couch on like a Thursday night. And I get a DM from someone and they're like, Hey, you should do a podcast on this topic or whatever. I posted on my story and without hesitation, I'm 10 minutes into the Rogan episode. I was committed because it's five hours, right? I'm like, I'm going to watch this whole thing. This is cool. It's Duncan. They're like getting high. They're in their spacesuits this is in his um old studio old studio this is the last episode before he moved Austin I was into it right but like 10 minutes in I get a DM because of course I'm like on my

phone while I'm watching and listening to it and I shut the YouTube off I go over to my like electronic section of my home I pull out my old Apple iPhone headphones with a little microphone I plug it into my, I'm really doing details here, was that too much of a name drop, or like a, it's, who fucking cares, we're all, again, we're all people, no one's, like, we're just, I'm a podcast host, I'm just telling you that I gotta congrats from someone I really respect and look up to, and he's part of the reason I started, I, like, love podcasting, okay, so, I plug my head my old apple iphone headphones into my phone I download an audio recording app and I did month by month by month of the pandemic like I recapped each month up until that point

and that was my first episode and immediately so as soon as I started recording and I pressed play I was like oh fuck this is what I'm supposed to do this is my thing I finally found it I've heard people talk about you know they're you know they never really knew what they wanted to do and then one day it clicked and one day it hit them all the stars aligned and now they knew that's my thing that's my passion I found it it's here I'm doing this for life I fucking you know and I heard that for so long and I was always like half pregnant on 10 things interested in everything committed to nothing like typical 20 something year old trying to figure it out and I swear to god as As soon as I press record and start talking, instant, oh, oh, yeah, duh.

This is what I'm supposed to do. This is what I'm cut out for. Like, I'm meant to be a podcast host. And it all made sense. The thing is, it's like my life up until that point was like a series of unfortunate events where I always was like, I just, nothing's clicking. People don't click with me. I don't click with other people. It's like clunky.

the only time people really fuck it like fuck with me I'm swearing sorry grandma she's she doesn't like when I swear when she listens okay the only time people would like uh seem to like me is when I joked and when I like uh made them laugh or whatever and especially in high school and college like that's when I got people's approval so in a way when I started podcasting And that first episode was rough. Again, episode 200, if you want to listen to it. That was like a sad, somber first episode. But as I started doing it, as I started, you know, sitting here, flowing, talking it out, I was, what was happening is I was expressing myself. I was like, I was expressing who I am to the fullest and without inhibitions, without giving a fuck, without caring about, you know, the repercussions of what I'm saying. I literally haven't, I haven't done any of that for the last two years.

I have flapped my gums. I've said whatever I wanted and it is the most fulfilling thing I have ever done. It's freeing and it, it's, yeah, it's like a creative thing. like people paint people sing people dance people uh cut their dog's fur in a cute design i don't fuck i'm looking at jimmy right now he's passed out of sleep that's why i said it i talk with i expressed myself my creative outlet is i am a conversation uh conversationalist i'm an entertainer I have to come up with shit on the fly like it's the best thing ever I love it it's like yeah so found my passion that's basically what I'm saying when I press record on that first

episode back September 4th 2020 the rest is history okay but there's been a lot of highs and lows throughout this um throughout the last two years um let's see I've what's happened am I going to talk about Montana today okay by the way I have to get to a dinner of five it's 1 30 I have time um how are you doing do we need to take a pause right now to like take a sip of water I'm gonna drink water I need to drink water um so last year's what what else am I gonna say oh like how what you've seen in last years with me in my life like everything about me is new right now including my tits and that's obvious like I don't do a good job keeping them contained and I set out I was so last episode I think I was

like should I do an entire podcast on the experience and like why I did it and like how you know whatever but um god it's like at first I was like I'm gonna be discreet about this I don't want anyone to know like I'm not gonna have a cleavage out the bikinis it's like that all went out the window after like a month so whatever um yeah new job new boyfriend new tits new um what else is new got a new credit card no I'm not a chase reserve card member now what the fuck else is new I swear there's something else um new job new tits new boyfriend new there's one more thing that's like big I keep forgetting whatever um so yeah my life looks a lot different than I did when I started um a year ago I was in a totally different relationship with a

totally different person and I talked about that a lot over the last year so like this time last year I was doing a 50 mile hike in Yosemite from Mammoth to Yosemite um there's an episode called I hiked 50 miles if you want to go listen to it I was doing that I was like yeah a totally different place um different job yeah so a lot's changed do you want me to talk about Montana now I feel like I'd rather talk about Montana because I went there for the first time with my boyfriend and uh first birthday and yeah so it's just all over the place I'm I'm just like thinking right now I'm taking a pause um something that I've been struggling oh I was gonna tell you the dirty little secret

I was gonna talk about my OCD about being organized and having my life together and how I'm really struggling with that right now because I've been really busy and there's like a lot going on and my apartment's chaos and all my errands like I have so many errands to run and things to do and I was going to go on to that topic but like that's boring so my dirty little secret I've been keeping from my audience for the last six months is that I am a vapor

oh my god I vape no that's such a corny dorky way to uh tell you that but like I've been addicted to nicotine since December 2021 all right so for like the last what is this eight months I've been smoking I've been dragging a vape all day long all right haven't talked about this publicly but here's what I want to say I'm on day five of no nicotine I finally quit I'm really proud of that and so that's why I'm telling you today that's a it's been a journey I've tried to quit like three times and I failed every time so um I have a horrible story about vaping before my surgery I don't want to tell that like I kind of want to tell fuck you're not supposed to smoke before you get surgery right because it like fucks with the

bleeding and I first of all do you vape or if you're if you vape leave a comment like do you have an issue with like smoking nicotine is it something you do when you're drunk like what's your thing are you not about it is it gross is it not a cute look i don't think it's a cute look it's not good it's just it's just we don't know what the long-term effects are uh fucking jewels going under companies are getting what's going on like they're pulling it they're pulling it okay we're not doing the smoking thing anymore but uh it's very addictive and i was definitely if you can't I have an addictive I definitely have an addictive personality uh and I got addicted to it so it's very addictive what am I saying um fuck I totally

just lost my train of thought oh shit the vaping before surgery thing okay I love this episode by the way like this is a good one do you feel like I feel like it's a good one um so you're not supposed to vape or smoke or do nicotine products before surgery because like for I think two or three weeks before. And, um, I try my best and failed horribly at quitting before this is back in June when I had my, uh, uh, new tires put on the car. So like, I think I went five days without it. And then like the Tuesday before surgery riddle me this, like, I don't know how the chain of, I don't know how one thing led to another, but all I know is I got some sushi. Oh, you're not supposed to drink either. I had some sushi, no drinks at sushi. And then my boyfriend and

I decided to walk around La Jolla. We walked past this hookah bar that he's been to before. And he's like, this is a cool spot. You want to go check it out? And I was like, I'm not going to go smoke a fucking hookah right now but like let's go check it out whatever we ended up having a beer and smoking hookah on the tuesday i had surgery what friday i'm fine everything's fine but like not probably maybe that's something i should not have disclosed but um you know i i read like reddit threads for a good week there about people that didn't know they were supposed to stop smoking before they had surgery and they were fine you know like or you know it's not recommended but I was fine I made it out alive and I didn't have

issues with like bleeding or so whatever uh this is the segment I was teasing at the beginning it's over I'm day five uh I'm on day five of no nicotine of quitting my vape and I'm very proud of that and um it all started back in Florida um I think I had some zins and then I got a jewel on a family vacay because i was stressed the fuck out because it was very it was like a tough time for me uh it was a great time but also we had some tough times as a i encountered a lot of just tough shit on that trip and i think i was i was like i i need to i don't know i i think my brother had some zins and then i took one and then i was like i am i want a jewel now and then i bought a jewel and then you know how that goes so that's the story um i feel healthier like when

i worked out this morning i was like i can breathe better i was like i can actually fucking breathe deeply um i think my biggest fear about quitting nicotine is getting faxed a lot of people gain weight after they quit and i'm just like not ready for that journey of like eating more and and um getting chubby from i don't know like people always talk about like gain 30 pounds quit six gain 30 i'm like how the fuck do you get to 30 like i understand maybe 10 pounds but like 30 fucking pounds after you quit like sounds like an excuse of like i don't know um yeah because my appetite has definitely changed i feel more like snacky like i just want to eat and like picket shit um so what I've been doing every time I have a craving is I

inhale exhale just like remember that this is for my lungs this is for my future this is for my future kids my future um that was a dirty little secret I think it's time to talk about Montana I just went to Whitefish, Montana for the first time. I've never been to Montana. And that was a grand old time. Hold on. Did I? Sorry, I'm on Instagram now.

I have. Okay. so I don't know what to say like I mean should I've taken a lot of trips I was in Vegas so this summer I read I ended the summer on a high note we went to Montana but like I did a few trips this summer so we went to Vegas I went to Washington and then I went to Montana right that's all we did yeah Vegas Washington Montana and um I don't know what to say like it's beautiful Whitefish Montana is like a small smaller it's not like a teeny tiny town but it's a mountain town you can ski there there's a lake

there Whitefish Lake there's golf there's just like all the outdoor activities concentrate into one area, which is what I loved about it. When I got there, I was like, I like that there's a ski resort right there, a lake right here, a golf course right there. That's all I want to do in one spot. And it's, it's like the perfect little town. Um, and my boyfriend, so I'm trying to like talk, think about the trip. Um, last time we were at the airport, we had a, I had a fucking come apart. I had a, you know what? I'll say this. So I just had a flashback because we're traveling right we're traveling together now and the trip to Washington we were in the airport and on the way to the airport he confronted me not even confronted me he asked me about my goals

with my podcast and I felt attacked even though he was just like curious like like are you trying to like what are you doing with your show like what are you like like what's your goal with your podcast and I was like I just like podcasting he's like that's not you need to be specific you need to like have a plan like so then I got really like I kind of anytime someone comes at me about like you should do this with your show and you should turn into a business and monetize and like have sponsors and do guests and I like I'm I and I know like I'm always just like I know I fucking know but like sometimes it overwhelms me and I I just I like the idea of being a little turtle and podcasting and because it's what I love and I know it's like maybe dumb fucking thing

to say because of how lucrative podcasting is right now how much I could be balling out right now from this show um I just what was I gonna say I was gonna say a phrase that sums up um oh whatever happens happens I'm just like I know that's a lackadaisical approach probably if you're a business person out there someone that does that has a successful podcast you're probably like what the fuck jack i'm like come on put a little f put a little effort you know what i'm saying but like anyways he so this last what i'm saying is when we went to montana there were no there was no drop there was no like i had a little i like i was being a little like ice queen to him at the airport the first trip and this time it was just like wonderful through and through we've

literally never had a fight we don't have it like we have no there's it's all it's so perfect I mean fuck I don't I could do an entire podcast about like the dynamic of me and my boyfriend Corey and how it's just like stupid I'm like are you fucking kidding me I how is it this not nothing's perfect but like how is it this good you know what I mean like like am I being it's like I'm being punked like we get like I get like mad I'm like or the commonalities we have like he'll say something I'm like that's your favorite thing too or oh you do that too or oh you grew up just like so many things in common it's stupid um yeah so like for his birthday I just bought him the exact same knife he already fucking had so I know him I just know him that well um

it's an example of like anyways what was I saying um oh my goals with my podcast yeah like I'll be honest it's been it's the literally podcasting is the easiest thing I've ever done it feels like I'm flying it feels freeing I feel so like present when I do it I love the pre-podcast glam sesh I've been doing lately where I put my face on and I slicked my hair today I slicked my hair back and picking out what top I'm gonna wear and like setting up my studio like I love all the pre-podcast stuff I love recording I love throwing it up online to post everywhere and editing the clips for Instagram like I love all

of that but that in itself is a full-time job and the truth of the matter is I am a working woman I have a nine-to-five job I met a new company now that's literally like nine to five and it's been difficult navigating being a content creator and having my own show that I produce all by myself and working full-time plus having a dog I know that sounds stupid but like I also have a golden retriever that takes up a lot of my time and I have to you know give him a good life and being in a relationship where we're constantly doing stuff we're always like on the go like doing things together like on the weekends you know so recently it's been a struggle because to answer the question he had in the car on the way to the airport when I had a fucking breakdown I was like

you know I don't even know what I said um yeah I do want to turn this into a quote-unquote business and I want to you know be a top charting podcast host and have all of the um attention all on me i don't want anyone just me okay i want that okay subscribe like comment follow throw me your money on patreon push me up to the top charts with your attention please i want that for them it's like, how do I say it without saying it? You know what I mean? I'm just going to say it. Like I want that. Okay. I don't want to be just him and Han anymore. All right. But that requires

extreme discipline and saying no and setting boundaries with my, just saying like, I need a Sunday all by myself because I have to podcast and I haven't been doing that lately and it's been a struggle I'll be honest because then Monday rolls around and it's like I'm back to work and then it's like Friday I'm like fuck I forgot to podcast and then I just throw I'll throw out an audio only episode it's like I don't want to do that so that's kind of something I've been navigating or like working through lately um it's 100% my responsibility right but it's like not but um yeah it's it's a lot of work it's a lot more work than even though it's like the easiest thing I've done right talking just posting an episode like

clockwork I've done this now for 300 I've done this 321 times um when your life gets busier and when you start actually living a full fun fucking life and you also have this on the side it's like, damn, that's, there's a lot more to it than just like having all the time in the world podcast and post it and not having a dinner to go to at five or like a trip to fly or a place to fly to or, or whatever. Um, so I'm not complaining. I'm, I'm so, um, grateful. Honestly, I think the thing I'm most grateful for is that I found my thing and I found it in my twenties and this thing I found helped me really find out who I am and like really work on myself or like fix all of my mental issues and personal

issues that I struggled with for so long because I don't know what kind of or if I didn't podcast I don't really know what how much progress I would have made on those things in two years if that makes sense because for some reason and I preach this all the time I'm like talking to yourself out loud literally sitting with yourself and listening it's like you've got your thoughts in your head and like purging it and saying it out loud and listening to your like soul speak is what I always say is very therapeutic and it it makes you feel closer to yourself and makes you feel like you know yourself really well and that's what I'm grateful for is that I've gone through this experience by myself for the last two years and I came out on the other side or I'm

here now two years later a completely like solid minded person I'm so like I and and I what I'm saying is I recognize because I'm a very observant person I'm always like it's like it's not that I'm judgy it's just that I am scanning the horizon all the time looking at people going like what the fuck why are you like that you know like I'm very curious about people and like why they are the way they are and I realized that or I noticed that a lot of people it's like they're in their fucking 50s and they're still struggling with some bullshit they had they were dealing with in their 20s I don't want to be like that I don't want to I don't want to have personal self-esteem mental health issues that are that linger for my whole life and I feel

like I'm I'm grateful that I figured that out young and I and I really worked on that in my 20s because life was just gonna be so much more um because that's a lot of headspace a lot of brain space people um or that takes up a lot of brain space in people's minds out there and it was taking up a lot of in my mind and it's like if you can just eliminate that and not have any like self-esteem problems, or mental health issues, or, like, self-hatred, body image issues, or eating disorder, all that shit I struggle with, that's, that's gone, it's, like, there's so much more room in your head for big dreams, big ideas, new things, fun shit, good times, you know what I mean, um, so, yeah, really grateful that I found my passion, and I, it helped me heal myself, and,

yeah so Montana like am I even telling this story about Montana what did we do so like we flew to Montana it was a wonderful trip um I'm like flying in and it looks it just it looks like Washington right but my boyfriend's from Southern California so to him going to Montana is like how it is for me to go from Washington the Pacific Northwest to Southern California where it's like oh my god there's palm trees and beaches and sunshine like when he goes to Montana that's how he feels so I feel like this whole trip he's like isn't this amazing oh my god aren't you just like so like isn't this the best place ever like that's how he is when he's there and I'm like yeah like yeah yeah I mean it is right like don't get me wrong it was cool it was like a sweet little

like it just made me feel like that's how life should be lived the way Whitefish Montana is like yes, this is a good spot, I like this place, it's really nice, kind of like a country western feel, you know, a lot of ranches, a lot of horses, a lot of cattle, a lot of, you know, that kind of stuff, and, but to me, it's like, this looks like my hometown, Mount Vernon, Washington, like, this looks like where I'm from, I mean, he pointed to a train, there was a field with hay bales in it, I used to call them marshmallows when I was a kid, because they're rolled up, like, they look like a marshmallow there's a field with hay bales we're driving down the road and that's on our left mountains in the backdrop field marshmallow hay bales road train tracks with like um it's like

a cargo what kind of train is that like an old train on our right and he's like don't you just love this isn't this so cool like isn't this just like isn't this sweet and I'm like I was late for school because of these goddamn trains growing up like I've seen like this is like not new to me or not but it's to him so it was fun to watch him point out things and go this is so cool because I'm like I just this was life for me this is how I grew up this is what life like this is how my environment looked looked back in my hometown so um anyways I just thought that was that was a funny part of the trip is when he would be like oh my god the train tracks so industrial and cool and like you know yeah so anyways I guess I should talk about some highlights of the trip

this is kind of a long episode I'm kind of I'm pissing to talk about this in the beginning because like I don't know um yeah so we went golfing to Iron Horse Golf Club um we went river rafting we went up on a chairlift to the top of the ski resort there and what else did we do um okay wait what's the highlight for me I think the rafting was the highlight because I got to fish I haven't fished in a while that was really fun golfing was also a highlight because it's it's such a cool golf course it's like you're in the trees it's all like what did he say the quote of the trip is he points to the mountain my boyfriend cory points to the mountain we're

downtown whitefish montana he points straight past the buildings downtown and he goes god don't you love that look at the forestry look at the forestry the forestry so anyways I just thought that was so funny just the way he said it look at the forestry I think he was being funny but like I or I couldn't I honestly I feel like he actually it was like oh my god the forestry here um I'm not making fun of you I love you I know you're listening and just some some things on this trip made me chuckle inside um so yeah chuckle why did I say that so yeah the golf course is lined with forestry it's beautiful and um there's yeah the setting is gorgeous and

I'm new to golf I'm learning how to golf and I didn't really play I they let me hit the driver a few times which is fun and I'm you know really working on keeping the the elbow tucked but I have a new setup so the thing is with me it's like golfing I started golfing in the spring and then in late spring I got a new setup I got a new a new set of tires and those tires get in the way now when I swing and so it's like a whole thing now to like learn how to put my arms to make it work and it's I'm trying to find like you know the the right position for everything and keep my arm or my elbow tucked um I was actually doing this drill where's my fox fur go on youtube to watch or Spotify to watch. I was doing this drill. He told me at the gym today to do this. He's like,

put a towel. This is a fox fur. He's like, put a towel under your armpits. And then as you swing, like keep it tuck, like keep it there. Like don't let it come out or whatever. And then when you swing through, it can drop. But like the idea is this will help you keep your your elbows tucked in or whatever because I keep popping them out so yeah they let me hit a few balls and it was fun it was like me um it was like oh my god guys I'm kind of hitting a wall see this is when I would be like smoker nicotine just perk me up but yeah another with I'm having a lot of like withdrawals with the nicotine and one of them is um lethargy being tired and like brain dead so day five though I'm really I'm really proud of that

so it was my boyfriend his best friend and then two other girls that golf that were in whitefish that his friend knew and then was there another person it was just us yeah and it was so fun I think that was a highlight because here's the thing I'm learning how to golf anytime I can be on a course anytime I can you know listen to people talk about golf and like the language and like just hear their thoughts on which iron they should use or you know it's like all good it's all helpful when I'm learning so of course I want to be out there and I obviously want to start actually playing and right now I'm like at the range here and there and um you know I'm like doing stupid drills in my house um Corey's like at the in the sauna today he's like

you can't just because I did drills last night um he's like if you want to get good you can't just you have to have a goal each time you do drills or like you need to do it the right way you can't just like mess around and just have fun when you're in your apartment like swinging your golf clubs around he's like you need to like do it you can't you don't know what you're doing you need someone to tell you like what you know so I was like shit I know he's right so I really need to start obviously I need lessons and I need to start playing like I actually need to start playing um but yeah speaking of earlier having an addictive personality um addicted to nicotine addicted to caffeine addicted to podcasting addicted to um

I had a food addiction I was I was at an eating disorder I was definitely a food addict at one point um what else am I addicted to I have a compulsive I've I've these are all my things I'm I have a compulsive picking addiction where I like pick my skin I pick my face I pick my zits every like everywhere if there's a little bump I will pick it it's not all the time I I go hard on my face like once every month I'd say or a few months but so I have that very like compulsive and then what I'm saying is golf is like that for me I haven't I'm like fucking addicted now like I hit the ball once or I hit the ball well one time like felt that little zing that little pop and I was like and putting like I'm actually like good at putting or whatever like I

don't miss putts or like I can make 20 footers pretty easily have I is that how long is it 20 feet maybe not felt yeah like I can like sinked three in a row he taught me one thing is with Corey he I'm just gonna use his first name my boyfriend Corey he taught me one thing or he adjusted one thing about my putting and I sinked like two three 20 footers in a row just so I got real confident and caught and that's the thing I get like I'm like I'm fucking good at this and oh my god like everyone I post one golf thing now on my insta story and everyone's in the dms like trying to give me pointers everyone's a golf expert everyone's like hey like keep it up keep working on your you know like yeah looks good if you ever need advice like everyone's a golf

expert in my dms I don't understand how many golfers follow me but um yeah I guess I'm just like doing the golf shit now and I've always wanted to is the thing like I always wanted to or until recently I actually took that seriously I always thought about like oh I'd be good at golf or I should try golfing because I was watching it for my whole life on tv loving it and um yeah I finally got my set this year and I have this fox fur on my chest I need to take off um so yeah Montana golf was a highlight um we had a beautiful dinner at the country club restaurant after that's one thing i'm noticing about golf so like i didn't grow up jimmy you're kicking my you're kicking my stand bud it's wobbling he's really depressed he

there's a something going on with him i don't know what i think he misses his his brother um it's been a couple days he hasn't seen him so louis if you're curious is a english bulldog boyfriend's dog and yeah they're buddies and um while we were in Montana they were boarded at this guy's house with a big backyard and they got to play all weekend and um yeah so was I saying golf oh I didn't grow up in around golf um you know I wasn't my family wasn't like a member at a country club like i i didn't really know like golf there's like a culture with golf right like it's like golf culture and like part of that is like having there's like amenities and shit and these country clubs and i think this one we were playing at the membership is like

i think we were talking about this i think it's 250 grand 250 000 for a membership which I didn't understand this is a what's it called a discovery discovery property is it discovery properties I don't know I don't know anything about any of that I'm learning right but one thing I'll say about golf that I'm sorry or something that's like enhancing the golf experience now is going to country clubs and going into the women's like locker rooms they're so nice there's like a spa it's like a spa everything is so nice I'm like this is a thing I had no clue there's like snacks there's like a fridge with the drinks and there's like hair products you can use and hair like I mean fucking there's like a medicine cabinet if

you need any Tylenol or whatever I mean it was cool like I at this this one was really nice and I've been to a few other ones but I'm like I didn't even know this is a thing this is fun like I like this is making me want to join a country club now I'm like actually like I don't know I want to get good at golf I feel like I'm athletic I I'm I can I have a good starting point or whatever you just the thing is you have to be consistent um so that's that was a highlight and then rafting we went rafting um god another highlight this is like the guy that took us rafting told a lot of cool stories um about his job he does like search and rescue stuff that was cool like just having conversations about the kinds of um rescues he's done

because it's always it's all it's different when you talk to someone who's like you can hear about something like oh you know i like you can hear about like someone getting pulled out of an avalanche by a search and rescue helicopter uh whatever you know you hear about but when someone did it and tells you the story it's like crazy it's like you like did that and then yeah so that was a huge highlight and especially the grizzly attacks he talked about I don't understand how like grizzlies are an issue or not an issue well there's a lot of bear attacks in Montana and um

yeah oh wait we went to Glacier National Park forgot about that fuck that was cool um but this guy, um, took us rafting. I don't know why I'm not. The thing is, whenever I talk about other people, like I met for the first time, I'm like, do I use their first name? I, whatever. One of my boyfriend's friends, um, hit a wall guys and be honest. Okay. Um, he took us rafting. It was super cool. Um, that was on my boyfriend's, that was on Corey's. I need to start saying his first name I keep saying my boyfriend I hate saying my um fuck every now and then during an episode while I'm recording I'm like I am so goddamn annoying I would not if I was on the other end listening to this I'd be so just like bitch shut the fuck up so I'm going through that

right now, currently, while I'm recording, and that's a, see, that, that's, like, a, that's, like, a, it's, like, I talk shit to myself while I'm, or, like, think negative thoughts about myself during the podcast, and I say it out loud, but, like, that, just doing that is, like, then I go, no, you're good, you're fine, if they're still listening, they're entertained, they're still here, they didn't stop it, they didn't exit out, so who fucking cares, that's another mindset I adopted in the last two years i don't who fucking cares i like literally i fully am that way now before i gave a shit about the little things now i don't fucking it's like whatever it's all about having perspective i i have this i just i have perspective that worrying about little things is a little

makes your life a living hell i've got one life enjoy it don't worry about shit that doesn't matter because most nothing it's like all yeah so um that's very that's like that's helped me so much um to fully become like who fucking cares um it's all good everything's fine you're not dead got your health your youth you're fucking having you're you're fine um we went rafting it was Cory's birthday we it was kind of like a shit show we were I don't know if we're like drunk in love or whatever but like that day we were out to lunch we were in outer space like his friend was like hey do you guys want to get anything for this trip we're gonna be gone all day we're like at the grocery store he pulls a fucking 12 pack LaCroix's out for the raft and

I'm like we're gonna drink LaCroix like I was so confused I'm like you're getting a LaCroix's I'm like, I think I'll, I'll grab like a granola bar. I didn't really understand what was going on, but like, I think his friend was like trying to get us to buy like beer and like good snacks for this. And we weren't really getting it. It took us two tries. We went to like a second grocery store. No, it took us three tries. We went to the first grocery store. Then we went to a second grocery store to get literally all we got that trip. Cause he, he, he pulled up there. I forget why. Oh, we were meeting the other guy there at the park in the parking lot. He's like, hey if you guys want to get anything else here's the grocery store i think he's like trying to push

us to get more food and drinks and we go in and we fucking we come out with um what are they called oatmeal little debbie oatmeal cream pies like and just like walked out and then we get in the car and he's like like do you guys want some drinks like then he finally was like hey like let's get some beers for this for this rafting trip and like then we were like oh duh um I thought and then we ended up getting him at the the next stop the third stop the gas station but yeah rafting was a highlight I got to fish and I grew up you know my grandpa took me out fishing since I could fucking walk and I've fished all the time and something about holding that fishing pole and just

casting it out over and over again I could that's another addictive again addictive personality I don't know why I'm not even like diagnosing myself I just know how I am I it was like pressing a slot machine it's like pressing a slot machine over and over again every time we cast out you're like I'm getting the fish and then you don't get it and you're like I'm to try again you do it I was out there I got I caught the most fish I got I caught two fish um I'm proud of that um you know just one of the boys basically I was just one of the boys out there it was pretty sweet um just you know really out doing them feels great love it um what am I saying I was yeah I was I got like I got like I was a fishing pole hog there's only

two fishing poles and I was, I was with it the whole time. Corey's like, Hey, can I do it? It was his first time rafting too, by the way. It was like, that was fun for him. Um, I've rafted like one other time. Yeah. One or two other times. When was the last time I did it? Whatever. I've done it like one time. Um, this was very sweet though. The setting was better. Um, the rapids weren't crazy but um got to fish but yeah anyways cory was like asking for the fishing pole and like he'd do it i'm like okay you're done and then i do it and then i was but um there's nothing better than like feeling the fish bite and fucking reeling it in just being like fuck yeah and it's like small and you're like i'm and whenever it's like this i'm like throw it back i don't want it

cast out again hope hopefully it's a bigger one next time like i hate getting a small fish i the one I actually caught so I caught two one of it one got away we like got it to the boat and then it jumped off the the hook or whatever um because I didn't leave any slack or what was I supposed to leave like three feet so we can like pull it up um I didn't do that so we lost it and then this the one I actually caught was like like I don't know nine inches skinny little bitch and you know I caught it Corey grabs it just taking the hook out he's like hey let's get a picture he passes passes it to me and just fucking launches out of my hands and it swims away and I'm like I didn't even want to keep it anyways but like yeah I remember growing up like I if it

was a small fish I was like I don't like buy like I don't I don't even want it doesn't even I'm like it doesn't even count I want a big I want like a big fish I don't want a little one right, so anyways, I love drafting in Montana, that was a highlight, I loved, we went to Glacier National Park, that was on Labor Day, and unfortunately, we couldn't find parking, we drove around, we went to, what was it, Logan Pass, is that what it's called, there's like a tippy point, a tip, there's a road that goes up high, there's a road to the top, everyone takes the road to the top. There was a whole line of cars going to the top. You get to the top. There's 30 cars going in one car coming out. There's nowhere to park. Everyone's driving in circles. There's a beautiful

hike there. We were planning on going on. Um, didn't get to hike. We finally gave up after like 45 minutes of driving in circles. We were just like, we got it. It was a great, the views are incredible of, um, glacier. The, the, the like drive up was insanely gorgeous. That was worth the trip just seeing that so I mean mountains are beautiful what can I say um so what did I recap we went golfing we went rafting we went um oh we did shopping oh my god there's this oh my god the shopping there this is another reason I like whitefish is next to it there's this town called um Kalispell Kalispell and it has this shopping area with every single store you would ever need in one place you have literally Costco

Home Depot Cabela's Costco Home Depot Cabela's um all the chain restaurants like literally all of like old navy target oh yeah also target um like ross tj like literally everything in one spot and i like this because if you're in whitefish and it's like there's there's nothing there's not as many shops obviously it's nice you can just go over one town and buy everything you'd ever need and then drive back so what's another highlight we okay at my at cory's house there's um it's nice there's like a sauna and a jacuzzi and a pool and we did some of that and that was nice and relaxing um we like sat out on the balcony and looked at the mountains and drank coffee there's a like a cute little coffee shop next to it we'd like go there every morning and honestly

a highlight for me and this was like occurring to me as we were doing it I'm starting to do this more and more when I'm like having a life experience so we wake up early we get our almond milk cappuccinos that's what we were drinking this trip and then we're walking downtown we're walking down whitefish um downtown whitefish and walk by little shops we're in and out of shops we're at the coffee shops we're just like in the fresh brisk morning air the sun is rising we're holding hands we're drinking our coffee and I'm like this is like I'm I told I'm like I am this is my goddamn dream like I am living my dream I want this is all I want I I love the simplicity of this and how we're in another state we're in Montana we're away from

the hustle and bustle of San Diego we're on this little getaway we're in this beautiful mountain town we're drinking coffee walking together and like that is my heaven and there's something about that moment in the morning doing that routine and then like also just sitting with him looking at the mountains drinking coffee like fuck you know I just feel like I like to take note of those moments and those little things because I'm like those are the times I feel the most full and like happy it's so simple things that are just you and another person and just that togetherness the simplicity of coffee and and just walking in a cute town Wow. Cheesy. So that was a highlight. We ate sliders. What did we do? After rafting, we ate

Wagyu sliders. The best thing I've ever eaten or best thing I ate this year. We ate sliders. I'm like trying to remember shit. I'm like, we ate sliders. What else did we do that night we got Italian food right after we ate we literally were like I got oh I drank so much diet coke this trip I haven't I have never drank so much diet coke in my life um I think it's starting to become a problem but that'll I'll eliminate that next it's like first the nicotine then the diet coke then I'll stop picking my face no that'll probably never happen um I in the last two years another thing that's happened since I started podcasting is the wrinkles on my face have set in in a new way I am now in my late 20s officially am I in my late 20s officially in my

late 20s and now I'm for the first time in my life considering Botox for real so that's happening um lost my train of thought oh we got sliders then we got Italian food should I end the episode I really feel like I'm blabbing on um I made a cute video for Instagram it recaps the whole trip go check it out it's like did I miss anything we kept listening to Mayberry by Rascal Flats um yeah we kept listening to that let's see did I miss anything i feel like i talked about yeah rafting what else glacier oh i dressed like a goddamn whore on that trip no i'm kidding shouldn't say that um i realized quickly that it's not a crop

top town it's not a daisy dukes and crop tops uh it's not that kind of place uh i brought literally only shirts that cut off at my ribs i had nothing long except for like a sweater and when we went to the ski resort we had like a drink at the top of the mountain um i chose to wear cowgirl boots daisy duke levi 501 cut off shorts cowgirl looking western belt cropped black um t-shirt that says the wild wild west on it and then a hat but like honestly it's like in california if you wear that kind of outfits like no one it doesn't look weird but like there it just felt I felt like what did his friends he's like oh I didn't realize we're going to a country concert like

it looked like I was going to fucking stagecoach but yeah that the I did not bring the right clothes like I ended up wearing a lot of like leggings and like like a sweatshirt I bought a sweatshirt that said whitefish on it and yeah um what else did I wear that was like oh this is oh I wore like I don't know I felt like I dressed fine or I like looked fine but when I was up on the mountain wearing that outfit I was like this is just not the right is there a plane crashing um I live by the airport and sometimes I get I freak out when I hear like a jet engine sound a little louder than normal um it's my fake shiny I feel like I need to take a thousand pictures after this I haven't been doing my makeup

um because I haven't been doing video so I'm blabbing um this is kind of the part of the episode where I'm like I don't know how to end it yeah so I dress like a whore in Montana basically what I'm saying is that I say I'm saying whore because what did like I think Corey made a joke about that or something not like he didn't call me a whore but like I think I said it he goes what is your style or like what would you call this style and I was like whore something like that um keep it classy Jacqueline keep it fucking classy oh I didn't finish my coffee I'm proud of that I mean I had a spray I broke three nails I had a spray tan really dark spray tan I really fucked my hands up which was kind of a con that was a conversation the whole time like how

tan my hands were like orange they were I had a spray tan I had like long really long pointy blue baby blue nails so I thought that looked good with the tan and I'm like wearing cowgirl clothes and it's like thing is is i'm like country i am she's country okay she's country country my blood fucking what's the song um she's a hot little number in her pickup truck like that is me at my at my you know core you know i'm throwing hay to farm animals at 6 a.m before school growing up Like I am out there in the sticks, you know, fucking spreading manure or whatever. I'm cleaning horse shit out of the, I am, I am castrating lambs with my mom in the early mornings of spring.

What am I saying? Like, you know what I mean? I am, I am slaying. I am, I am picking, I am taking roadkill off of. So like, I'm not fancy at my core. I am rough and tough. I am a fucking cowgirl. All right. Like country as fuck. That's just how, that's how I was raised. Right. All these years later, I got a little more glam as I got older I got a little more like Instagram Instagram had an influence on me and I started doing all the glammy shit and the makeup shit and the tan and the nails and the lashes and you know but you know I really poured on thick now so it's funny it's like I'm there and I'm breaking I broke

three nails and I'm like bitch you're in Montana why'd you even put them on the first place like you know so anyways I thought that was funny I like looked at my nails one day and I'm like what just happened um so yeah some days I'm like should I just go real natural and just stop fucking trying I don't know what I mean by that no my personal rules I think it's really good to have personal rules and um personal standards like I will never let myself go and I will never just say fuck shaving fuck dying like when I go gray like fuck dying my hair fuck taking care of my skin fuck you know like all the stuff that makes you stay look good or look like you full and like healthy mostly healthy like I want to be now that I quit nicotine I'm like I just want to

get my lungs I'm really ashamed by I'm just disgusted in myself that I went that long without kicking it, but, and before my surgery, literally, like, what the fuck was that, I did not take that seriously, I'm very ashamed of that, um, so, yeah, I just want to get real healthy, I never, what am I saying, my personal standards, rules, never let myself go, um, yeah, just fucking kill it, I just want to kill life, I want to kill it every day, all right, it's uh god it's like one of those things too this is what's occurring to me and maybe it's because i i've got all this new brain space what did i say i have all this like extra room in my head now that's not cluttered with bullshit and

negative negativity like i'm not a negative like i know i rant and bitch and complain on here but like I am the most easygoing like grass or glass half full there's literally to me nothing is a problem like I don't sweat anything like you could come to me and be like hey um I don't know I can't leave an example right now I'm hitting a wall again it's like the third wall I hit um what was I listening to they were talking about the border the wall is Biden building the wall now is that like rampant is that like happening i think it was something about biden building the wall now he's doing it like it was a big deal when trump or like everyone hated trump for saying who's actually gonna build a wall now biden's now biden's building the wall i heard that i

don't know if that's true or not but whatever um hitting a wall yeah what basically what i'm saying is like like for me now okay Jesus is this life advice at the end it's usually it ends like this it's like life is so like being happy and feeling good is so easy okay it's actually so easy and I don't there's like not a the cheat code to it I mean like I don't know honestly it's like it's so easy because like I just don't worry about anything ever and I think whenever you worry about stuff or in my past like if I worried about stuff and I if I focused on the problems and the little things that were going wrong in life then life sucks but like now I'm just like always up every it's a good day every time my boyfriend's like every time Corey sorry

I keep saying my boyfriend I don't know why I keep correcting that Jesus Christ he's like how's your day I'm like it was the best day ever I had a great day loved it even if it's like a typical Tuesday I'm working all day I'm like I had a great day I just so yeah light life being happy and feeling fulfilled or um being well or what am I saying I just feel like shit's so easy and I and I feel like I'm coming to the internet I'm coming I'm coming here publicly kind of like as someone who figured it out and that's annoying because like I think it's more fun to listen to someone while they're going through it and while they're going through the struggle and while they're on their journey and in a way two years in a

podcasting I'm like on the other side and I'm like I fucking figured it out all right I'm good everything's fine like I don't have problems I'm not going through anything all I can sit here and tell you right now is how fucking wonderful my life is and how happy I am and how like stoked I am to be alive and to like I don't know like I'm just so stupid like again I was saying earlier I'm like sometimes I'm like how the fuck is life this good and I I'm like looking around I'm like what do I have to complain about I'm like what am I sad about what's not going well in my life right now like I literally can't pick a single thing like I guess the nicotine addiction that was something I was that was weighing on me I was

like I need to quit this I'm better than this like I don't want to be a vapor girl um you know that was something I was like I wasn't even like I was struggling I mean was I struggling like not really like it was just kind of like okay I need to quit and then now I quit it's like boom done but it took me three attempts though um oh I did mention okay I am kind of struggling with being OCD about like having my ducks in a row and having all my errands complete and my to-do list checked off and I'm so busy and having so much fun in life right now that that's like getting that's piling up and I'm overwhelmed by how much shit I have to do all the time um but

the difference between me now and back in the day it's like that would overwhelm me to the point where I'm like I am having a fucking breakdown I'm so stressed out I'd be in like a ball of like angst like I need to do my dishes

and laundry and I have to run this errand and I have to throw away my garbage and I have to clean my floor and I have to do like all this shit and I would get so like worked up about it now it's weird I'm like comfortable in clutter I'm comfortable with the to-do list being full I'm comfortable with everything I'm just like not that I'm being lazy it's like my life in this moment it I would it's so good or whatever things are going I have I have all this stuff going on that I'm kind of happy there's clutter and I'm looking at five one two three four

four garbage bags full of clothes I'm donating and that's been sitting there for two days and I'm like it's it's driving me nuts but now I'm just like whatever I'm busy I had a podcast I got to go to dinner in a couple hours and I got to edit this and upload it if that doesn't get done I'm not gonna fucking shoot myself oh god I should not say that I'm not did we shoot guns on this trip I think we were supposed to shoot guns we definitely looked at guns because I think he's gonna he's gonna get a bear gun I will not hike a Montana without a bear gun I think it's a 10 millimeter I don't know anything about guns 10 millimeter gun to shoot the bear um god I love bears favorite animal I've decided

I've already decided my top animals are orca whales eagles and grizzly bears or just bears but Grizzlies specifically um so yeah back to like long story short two years in podcasting I figured it out I'm happy I'm like so everything's fine I'm great and sorry I can't come here with something maybe more relatable like I don't know again life's full of peaks and valleys and I'm in, I'm definitely on a high right now. Um, but that's a good thing at the end of the day. Like I want to maybe inspire or how do I get you to this place? If you're not, if you can't say what I just said about myself, if you can't say that about yourself, like, how can I help you get here? What, what could I tell you? And yeah. Um, don't worry about little things. Don't focus on

problems, focus on ideas, focus on solutions, focus on proving yourself, get curious. I think this is a great piece of advice. Get curious about your own behavior. Look within, look yourself in the mirror and go, why am I like this? Why does this problem in my life keep happening? And get really good at, yeah, wondering why you are the way you are and not being stubborn about that and taking a hundred percent accountability for the outcomes in your life and for how things and just for just everything in your life take a hundred percent account accountability that's another piece of advice don't be stubborn when you fuck up when you do something wrong especially when it involves another person admit when you're wrong like that actually i will say

this about um every now and then joe rogan says something where i'm like that's a good quote he said I think it was on the Aaron Rodgers episode I can't remember Jimmy you keep kicking the camera he goes when you're wrong and you don't admit that you're wrong now you're wrong twice and I grew up around a lot of that where someone was wrong clearly they were wrong out of line totally fucked up and then they point the finger they don't they never say they're sorry they never apologize they never take accountability and that over time I mean that is so destructive for that person especially because that builds up inside of you that's like calcifies you just become this like super just shitty you have like no you're you're so stuffed full of like

shit and you've never cleansed that you've never come clean about it to other people or yourself you live what is it called like you're um a lot of these people are like legends in their own minds and they're you know extremely narcissistic and all that shit but like yeah that's a great quote when you're wrong or and you don't admit you're wrong now you're wrong twice like that's my advice take accountability every time you fuck up every time you're wrong about something just be the first person I always say this like I had to say this on a meeting like I don't know a year ago it's like what do you like about yourself and I'm like I like that I am the first person I like raise my hand I'm like the first person to admit when I either don't know something I'm not afraid

I'm not too I'm I'm afraid to admit or what am I saying Jimmy stop kicking the camera it's like wobbly I'm quick to admit when I'm wrong and I'm quick to admit when I like don't know something I'm like not afraid to ask questions and to go like how I don't understand you know that's a a really good thing especially in your 20s we're like working for a new company you're trying to figure out and you know how a new industry works or how to do your job right don't be afraid to just ask questions don't be too um what's the word like I don't fucking care if I look dumb or stupid like ask questions um get answers it's like actually learned that from the first startup company I worked at um the CEO was always like especially when it came to

like the business terminology he'd go to like advisor meetings and he I'd sit next to him I was like taking notes or like recording it or whatever and he'd be like he was just so honest about like I don't fucking know what you're talking about can you explain this back to me like I'm in fifth or I'm a five-year-old and these like super like successful dudes that sold their companies for hundreds of millions of dollars are like breaking down what they're saying at a fucking first grade level and I always remember going like that's how I want to be if I don't get something I'm not going to be afraid to ask questions and just admit like I don't understand even if even if I feel stupid um so yeah what these what other tips do I have to take accountability

and a big thing that I overcame was spiraling and overthinking everything and spiraling down where now if I notice a downward spiral at the top of the spiral I shut it off I have like a quick shut off valve because I notice it before I would get stuck and I couldn't get out of it so I realized this was an epiphany I had on one of my podcasts I realized that like thinking too much thinking was ruining my life like it was it wasn't serving my life it wasn't it was useless thinking was like useless because these thoughts were useless these negative thoughts were useless these overly analytical introspective like critical thoughts about myself because it was like all about me and like how disappointed i was in something about myself or whatever

um it wasn't it was literally useless so i decided okay just don't think just don't think those thoughts and I train myself um to go the opposite and be a my own hype woman and just be like you got this and just cheer myself on and positive affirmation you know all the shit you learn and read in books you know I I'm not saying anything new here um text from my boyfriend we got a fucking picture of, oh, is that him looking hot at CrossFit? It is. Yes, it is. That's him looking hot at CrossFit. I knew it from a distance. I could tell. Wow. We also have that in common. I used to CrossFit. He used to CrossFit. We talk about it here and there. We did the assault bike this morning. I was like real sad about my lungs. I was like, God damn it. I know I'm on day five.

they're healing a little bit here. Something's going on. I'm feeling better. I'm breathing deeper, but I know that this is not my, I am way below my potential or whatever my lung capabilities. Jacqueline on the episode. I'm about to go eat dinner. a couple hours I'm gonna go scrub my clown makeup off walk Jimmy edit this post it

I have to get him the rest of his gifts should I tell you what I got him for his birthday thanks for listening thanks for hanging out I don't know what else to say um what did I talk about talked about podcasting just like my journey how good everything is in

my life right now how I've just he keeps sending me pictures of when he was 30 this is it's just a lot right now I kind of want to look though hold on um cory if you're listening right now fuck off like can you please i can't well i've said this before on the show i go to his parents house and they have a hallway where there's like a bunch of pictures of the family and like he's in a bunch of them i have to take a moment i have to like take a fucking moment i walk by and i'm like this was you and you were this hot when you're 22 like 22 like these are pictures when he was 30 I'm like it's good to be attracted to your uh part like you it's a good thing it's a positive thing and

I'm definitely I'm very very very I don't know he's maybe it's just because he's photogenic he has a good face or whatever but um yeah I really want to look at it again I need it on the episode um yeah we recapped a lot we talked about a lot i went to montana it was great um did i forget anything i bought what did i buy in montana um he's going elk hunting or like wants to start hunting that's what i like about him he likes outdoor stuff but he's not that's not his personal brand and if that makes sense like he is an enthusiast like he likes to do trips where he goes out outside goes on a fucking hike or goes fishing or hunting or whatever but it's not like his lifestyle where

he's always gone he's always on a trip he's always looking for the next like thing to do he's more like which I like that about him because yeah it's a he's not, like, constantly on a boat in the ocean, or, like, on a mountain, or going on a trip to shoot a boar in fucking Texas, or whatever, wherever the fuck they shoot him, his, his friend was telling a story about, I think it was him, he was in Texas doing the helicopter, um, is it wild boar hunting, because it's a problem there, and you can, like, literally just fly in a helicopter and shoot them from the sky I don't know what like when he was talking about that I was like I don't feel like I would do well with killing animals like I don't think

I would like hunting because I would have a really hard time um actually killing something like actually like seeing it and like fall like you know that would really that would make me feel really I would feel I don't think I would do well with that for some reason he's talking about this helicopter shooting of the wild boars in texas i was like that sounds so fucking fun like i would want to do i would want to do that but um yeah so um shit have i eaten today i'm like so into working out lately you're like lifting again because i can i've been out of commission for the whole month of july i couldn't work out and now i'm like i'm back bitch i'm fucking back I hip thrusted I did deadlifts I did leg press I did what else we did the

oh we did some rowing you know like on a kick I just want to feel really healthy now that I quit nicotine I'm like I just want to feel really healthy and and just be like peak I want to have like, I'm going to be the best shape. You know who I love? I fucking every, you know what? I got to say this Bert Kreischer. I listened to two bears, one cave. I listened to Bert cast. I, any podcast he's ever on. I love Bert Kreischer. And like, I just love when he talks about getting healthy. It really gets me hyped up for my own, about my own health. Honestly, like it's like David Goggins and Bert Kreischer both get me inspired to get in shape but they're like two different completely opposite people but like the way they talk about it it's like

romantic in a way it's like fuck yeah like I just want to fucking get fit I want to like run a marathon I want to do something super hard like I went on a 50 mile hike a year ago and like that kind of thing where you're like it's so hard it takes forever it's like grind when you're done you feel so good I mean I used to do these like road bike 200 mile road bike races like finishing that and the feeling after like I just want to be like fuck super fit so um that's another thing I in the last two years dropped 35 pounds which is crazy to say I did an entire episode about well I did I do an episode on how I did that um the whole episode was like basically me saying I lost 35 pounds without trying I never went on a diet I never tried to lose weight I just like

it just happened because I was happy and like I was being I don't know I I forget what I said but yeah that was a whole episode I forget which one it was but that's a huge thing I gained 35 pounds during the pandemic and lost it all in a year and didn't make it a thing because every time I tried to lose weight in the past or like get in shape and I made it a thing and like wrote a fucking meal plan and like wrote my workouts for the week down and journaled about shit and like it I instantly sabotage it would last for like literally three days then I'd be like fuck this I'm annoyed that I wrote this I just want to be I want everything in my life to be intuitive like I wake up I live I live life I sleep and there's not a lot of

thought into like the minuscule details of like food and workouts and routines and rituals and habits I'm just like going with the flow but having root having a routine but it's not like obsessive and like extreme and that's how I used to be so I really don't know honestly the the last thing I'm gonna say is if you're going through anything right now this is what I've probably one of the number one takeaways I've, I've learned is that time heals all, like you, it takes time. It takes a lot of trial and error, a lot of repetitions of testing and failing and trying and failing again. And just never quit, never stop trying, keep trying. Eventually you'll find the sweet spot. You'll find something that works for you. And, um, the internet's really

good at convincing you you have problems in the first place you probably don't even have that's another thing i learned so fuck all that shit do what works for you follow yourself look within and yeah create your own shit do your own thing and i i found in my experience doing that and going to the beat of my own drum has I've found the most success in achieving happiness and my goals from doing that so um yeah that's I guess how I should end the episode holy shit oh boy oh fuck I can't even look at it guys I'll get like it's bad um

Um, yeah, I like how this knife actually took this knife on my 50 mile hike last year as a weapon against like peace of mind. Like, well, I know the bear is probably going to eat me if there is one. I mean, they are black bears. It wasn't, it's not like they're grizzlies, but I was like, just having a knife on hand made me feel more safe. But, um, and I i fucking got him i think i'm gonna give him this i got him um it's called a bench made bench made turret knife and he has the same fucking one and he's gonna i told him i already told him because he was on he was in montana he whips out a knife and i'm like oh shit i what the fuck and um i was like oh i i just because i couldn't believe it i was like i

literally just bought this for your bought got you this for your birthday it's on the counter and I look at it I'm like no fucking way and then I'm like I have a funny story about this knife and then eventually as the trip went on I finally told him I was like hey I got you the same one for your birthday he goes no way and I'm like yep and then he goes well I'll have this one in Montana and I'll have the one you got me in San Diego so we'll have all of two so I'm just like yeah I guess I picked out a good one um benchmade knives apparently are like really nice or good to have or like the one to buy so um all right that's it love you thank you for being here this was a long episode I appreciate your support over the last couple years um and yeah I'm here's to two more

here's two more years and I swear I will be doing this I'll be fucking 92 podcasting I don't care I'm doing this forever I love it this is when I'm the happiest this is when I'm like I am present I'm happy

I feel so good and close to myself and like I'm having fun it's just great so yeah I'll be 92 when I say podcasting um yeah thanks for all the support over the last couple years or if you're a new listener um you know thanks for showing up for the first time Jacqueline on the episode it means a lot um

please hit that subscribe button wherever you're listening right now if you are new please make sure to uh subscribe follow me on instagram at Jacqueline Monroe tiktok at Jacqueline Monroe youtube if you want to watch this subscribe to my youtube channel watch this also if you want to watch it on spotify you can watch it there on video um i didn't plug patreon in the beginning i do have a patreon if you're feeling generous it's patreon.com i just suck at this part patreon.com slash tjms if you want to support the show it's five dollars a month go check it out patreon.com slash tjms is that it did i forget anything i'm about to call my boyfriend tell him how hot he is in like five seconds so

thanks for being here i love you talk to you next week bye ice in my veins i've been driving this train years in this lane there's no stopping this flame cause i came to the game and i changed it to play how i like rearranged it to my own domain