The Jacqueline Monroe Show - 357- I Had A Breakdown..

Episode Date: December 3, 2023

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What's up, guys? It's episode 357. Welcome back to the show! I don't ever slow up. No, I don't take shit. I got no love for the fake news. If you wanna play tough and wanna hate this, I'll always show up and make a statement. I don't ever slow up. No, I don't take shit. I got no love for the fake news. If you wanna play tough and wanna hate this, I'll always show up and make a statement. You know who needs to calm down? Is that lint master chocolatier. That guy is out of control. He needs to get a fucking hobby and just take it down a notch. I know this is his busy season, but dude, it's too much. You're creeping everybody out. I gotta say, nothing gets me more excited than a candy dish full of lint truffles, specifically the red ones. Are those the milk chocolate or are the blue ones the milk chocolate? Specifically

the milk chocolate lint truffles during the holiday season. That is something I look forward to every year. I also look forward to, it's like every secret Santa gift ever is like, or at some point if you have a secret santa they're gonna give you a bag of lint truffles fuck a ferrero rocher ferrero rocher however you say it i want that lint i want that lint truffle i like the assorted assortment bag assorted mixed a bag even those like raspberry white chocolate raspberry flavored lint balls um there's just nothing like them so hi welcome back to the show Merry Christmas happy holidays round two because the Christmas season starts November 1st and now it's December 2nd so we're in the second month of Christmas time welcome back to the show

I've got an amazing show for you today um not only are we going to be talking about uh Christmas time and all the things Christmas has to offer okay this is what I have for you let me just cut to the chase oh before I do that uh before I list off what I'm going to talk about today please hit that subscribe button wherever you're listening right now i'm on apple spotify google podcast didgeridoo youtube wherever you listen to podcasts hit that subscribe button overcast uh where else am i everywhere go hit that subscribe button if you haven't already and uh review the show review this show five stars before i got it's already a five-star episode let's be real let's be honest with ourselves if you're still here it's a five-star

episode if you clicked out before you got to this point then whatever you can rate it however you want but if you're still here listening right now review it five stars helps the show out helps people find out about the show thank you so this is what I have for you today um by the way that lint chocolatier that she's talking about for that tiktok I played in the beginning literally looks exactly like Ben Stiller and I can't unsee it Ben Stiller okay so we're gonna recap my wedding dress shopping experience. I have a fun story to tell you about finding my dress so far. I haven't gotten it yet, but I'm going to tell you a story about wedding dress shopping. I have a recap about San Francisco because we went up to San Francisco for Thanksgiving. I want to talk about that a

little bit. My weekend plans this weekend. I could start with that. I'm probably going to start with that. I am currently podcasting. Corey's golfing. We have some plans tomorrow that are exciting. and yeah I'll do like life updates weekend plan uh oh my god okay Jacqueline keep moving keep you can do it you can do it um watch a show we're watching on okay this god this is a train wreck okay so let me just oh yeah oh yeah yeah speaking of train wreck I'm also going to tell you the story that's very personal about why I broke down and cried like I've never cried in like two years it was like the first time I had a full-on cry fest in about two years over like my family and like my dad and stuff so I'm gonna kind of like get into that a little bit

um and I haven't really this it's gonna I'm gonna probably end with that it's like something I haven't really talked about publicly on my podcast before but I'm gonna like kind of bring you in and talk about being a kid from, you know, a family where your parents got divorced when you're 20 and now you're getting married and you're not inviting your dad to your wedding and kind of like diving in a little bit into that and what that's like, um, and how hard it is to mentally navigate because it's not so black and white. And especially my situation, it's very complex and um but I want to talk about without getting into too much nitty-gritty detail about my childhood all the things that I went through like I'm going to talk about just yeah

like the wedding planning without incorporating my dad and like how it's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster behind the scenes so far and yeah so I'll just start with our weekend plans briefly because it's like not that exciting but like literally it is it's exciting for me because Corey booked a tea time for us tomorrow at like 9 a.m at this new golf course I want to try out and we're gonna go get lunch after and then go look at a house that we're really into that's because we're like house hunting right now and I'm like so stoked about it so today after podcasting I'm gonna go to the driving range and work on my swing work on putting and like just you know, practice a little bit. And I'm also going to hit up the Goodwill

kind of over where this house is at in this really cool neighborhood. There's like a nice Goodwill there. So yeah, like I just, I really want to look for like shitty, not shitty, but like old school Christmas decorations because I saw this TikTok. Let me just play another one for you right now. Cause this is kind of like my new thing on the show. So it's so on point about holiday decor and like Christmas decor um this has like two million views right now I don't know who needs to hear this well actually I do it's boring people but Christmas tree decorations are not supposed to be sleek and classy and minimalist it's supposed to look like joy has thrown up in your house okay it's supposed to be a little bit tacky so loosen up buy yourself

a tacky little Christmas decoration and stop taking yourself so seriously because I promise you no one is impressed so i totally agree with that and i feel like it really sums up my like thoughts on modern day christmas decor and how aesthetically pleasing and like neutral it is and like it's so perfect and like it's not it's not supposed to be like that like you said like it's supposed to look like joy threw up all over your christmas tree like so anyways i'm gonna go the goodwill i'm gonna look for those throwback old school like og christmas ornaments like the the stuff your grandma would have at her house like i want to find little tchotchkes and shit of like little snowmen and like little santa clauses with cute little things around them i

don't even know like with the reindeer like i want to find the that kind of stuff and i think it's a that's a great message because in this day and age everything it's I've been kind of alluding to this recently on my show I'm not gonna get too negative here and complain and bitch about like society and how social media ruins everything and everyone's obsessed with like perfection like or just everything being aesthetically pleasing to the eye like I think this is a good opportunity for all the like uh pristine queens the pristine what am I saying the aesthetically all the neutral all the beige beige what is it called the vanilla girls the beige it's like the Nashville housewives or what who are these people with the nice houses everything's

just so like pretty and aesthetic I am all for it like that's how I want my home to look but I think this is an opportunity Christmas is a perfect opportunity to throw all that shit to the side and just get silly with it get wild with it like buy the the the tacky like fun Christmas stuff that you grew up with like it's one month out of the year I know I said it's two months starting December 1st no um some people put their trees trees up November 1st which I'm like not am I into that I'm more of like a December 1st Christmas tree kind of chick but I get in the holiday spirit I get in the Christmas spirit November 1st like I already put up our stockings like those those went up the first week of November and the Christmas lights and all that kind of stuff so

um yeah like I just I keep seeing there's all these like push there's a push and pull about how people live their lives on the internet and like some people are like all about it and some people are like it's just so exhausting this how perfectly how perfect everything is and I'm kind of there like I'm just now whenever I see it I'm just like come on especially with the Amazon links right now and everyone's like telling you to buy shit for Black Friday and like Cyber Monday and it's just like products products products links links links perfect little house decor for Christmas links links links like you need this cozy blanket you need these fuzzy slippers you need these specific uggs you need a specific bathrobe for your mom for the it's just like

I'm I could do an entire I'm not gonna make the episode about this because I really want to tell you my wedding dress story but like and I'm really trying to I'm trying to embody what I'm preaching and talking about here because like I get sucked into it and I have to remind myself like like just like explore your own curiosity about the world and what you want to buy and what you're into and like go on that journey don't do something because someone else told you you need to have it like I saw this great video of this girl she's like I walked into Sephora and I walked out in like five minutes because I picked up exactly what I already knew was good I just picked out those exact shades that someone already you know influenced me to buy because

those are the cult products everyone buys and she walked in she walked out versus like I don't know like 10 years ago you walk into Sephora you have 52 swatches on your arms you're testing everything out for the first time you're like getting excited about the new makeup you see you don't know anything about it yet and then you buy it and you try it yourself and you have you're on your own journey of like being curious and discovering something for the first time where now everything's already been reviewed analyzed you know you know sold to you on the internet or presented to you on the internet over and over and over again where you already know it's good and that's like a it's helpful in a lot of ways but it's also like we don't have to like think anymore we don't have

to like we're not curious anymore and I don't know um it's not that deep Jacqueline but like kind of is sometimes and I sometimes I like to think about it so all right uh wedding dress yeah this went back I'm like how did we get here we talked about Christmas decor and just like not being not taking yourself so seriously and putting up the old school like tacky fun joyful decorations um so wedding dress or should I do Thanksgiving recap I'll do the wedding dress story I think we did that before oh yeah we did it before the San Francisco trip so last episode I talked about going wedding dress shopping for the first time because I had an appointment the next day so that appointment is over I went with Corey's mom to this little boutique it's called

The Bustle here in Del Mar California it's like a little bit north of where I live and I'm in San Diego if you're new. Hi, I'm from San Diego. Anyways, so I went in with the expectation that I'm going to show them pictures. They're going to pull different styles that look like those pictures of what I like. I'm going to try on dresses, see what I feel good in, see what shapes look good on me and like get a feel for wedding dresses because I've never tried them on before. And my original plan was I was going to go with Corey's mom to this little appointment and you know do a little like try on and then in early January I was gonna fly to Washington to officially get the dress with my mom my sister my aunt my grandma my friends like I wanted to

make a little like thing um with them like all sitting around like watching me try on dresses and um there's this great little boutique in downtown Mount Vernon it's a bridal boutique and they have amazing dresses there and I was gonna literally just go to my hometown and get a dress and anyways like I'm like kind of kicking myself because like I kind of got influenced to do something different now which I'll get into but like um you'll see why in a sec but yeah like that's the whole that was the whole plan basically what I'm saying to I'll cut to the chase I did not expect to walk into that first appointment and I didn't expect to fall in love with the dress and like literally like like I wasn't expecting expecting to say yes to to the dress okay

it was a total surprise and like this is kind of a fun story I'll get into some other like things that happened after I went to this appointment so anyways how it goes is um we make an appointment and obviously we show up my name's written on this little like cute chalkboard outside of the boutique it's like welcome Jacqueline you know and I Corey's mom was with me I just had her and we walk in and immediately they're like when did you get engaged when's the wedding tell me about the engagement story like show me pictures of the dresses you like okay and it was just like very quick so we did that she started pulling dresses off the racks and it wasn't like this boutique wasn't like rows and rows and rows and racks and racks of dresses it

was very like I think they have in total I think they have like 400 but on the floor there there was like 120 all like lined up together so on one side on one side they had the ball gown like big poofy ones the other side were the more like form-fitting ones and I'm not gonna say anything about like which side she pulled from but let's just say she started pulling styles based on the pictures I showed her and she hung them up in the dressing room and um the first style I tried on was the one closest to the picture that I was in love with I was like I would love to wear this as my wedding dress I tried on and it wasn't they have to like um cinch you up with these little like clamps in the back like you've probably seen that on those wedding dress shows like um when

they do the fitting like they have to like roll the material and make it form fitted to your body because they're usually like they're not your size obviously like they're I think I was and the wedding dress sizes are different than normal sizes so like if I'm a four six in normal dresses like I'm an eight to ten in wedding so wedding dresses so it's a little um higher the numbers are anyways so like she's clamping me up she's cinching me up I'm like it was so surreal let me just like tell you about my what was going through my mind I'm like like seeing yourself in a wedding dress for the first time is so like crazy I don't explain it like I so it was just like I couldn't stop fucking smiling the whole time and I was so giddy and I was just like oh my like I was like

this is I can't believe this is happening right now like I can't believe I'm here like this is so exciting and I knew when it came to the wedding planning I knew that from day one I was like the thing I am the most excited for is the dress like that's that's the thing that lights me up the most like picking out the dress going to the appointments like going to the alterations like having the like getting the dress like I am so like that's what lights me up the most so it was crazy like putting on the first one because I'm trying to think of the last time I put on like a formal dress like that it's probably like prom in high school like literally my senior prom I think I wore this like strapless blue and black dress I don't even know where I got it but um yeah I

haven't worn like a floor length beautiful gown since prom so it's this crazy moment where I put it on she's clamping me up the dressing room shut and it was like a full-on like you're just naked and she's she was this really nice girl by the way like um kind of like my age maybe a little older but like I was just all out in the open and naked in front of her like right away like I don't know it's just one of those things where you're like okay I'm here I'm this is how you're like you can't really, you can't like keep your bra on, you know, you need to like take it off to put on the dress. Anyways, what am I saying? So I walk out in the dress that I went there to try on basically. And Corey's mom just kind of like tilted her head as I walked out. Um, and I kind

of saw what she, I knew what she was thinking cause it just wasn't fitting right on the top half like um anyways so that was not the one but it was a good start I didn't hate it it just wasn't the one um so anyways I had like six dresses total to try on so I tried on that first one tried on the next one the next the next and I asked about like halfway through I was like do you have this kind of style like something that I didn't see on the floor and I described it and they're like you know I think we have one like literally one in the back but they're like no one ever looks good in it but like you should you should try it I think it'll fit so um and at this point like here's here's the truth about the dresses like I was trying on a few a few of them

and as I'm doing it I'm like okay it's kind of one of those things where everything looks good like nothing looks I don't think any bra I mean I can only speak for myself and my experience with my own uh dress fittings but like it's kind of one of those things where everything looks good and beautiful I mean they're wedding dresses once you put that on a woman it's just like oh you know so you kind of have to pick the thing that you feel the most you in the most like beautiful in the most comfortable in and anyways so it's kind of I was it was occurring to me as I was trying on the different styles that oh I have to like pick a different a certain direction to go here like what kind of vibe do I want what kind of how do I want this to look in pictures

like what kind of vibe will the pictures have if I'm in this type of dress versus this type of dress and blah blah so and then I had to think about like the train how big do I want the thing to be or how small or so anyway she comes out the out of the back with this dress and she just has it like laying in her arms she pulls the tag tells me the designer I've never heard of it heard of this designer before. And, um, she also showed me the price tag, which I was like, okay, it's a little bit higher than I'm trying to go here, but like, okay. Um, wedding dresses are not cheap and it's effing insane. I'm trying not to, I'm swearing a lot today. Okay. Let me reel it in. So she's, it's like draped over her arms. She's like, okay, here you go. So she put

it in the dressing room for me to try on I put this thing on and like it fit me perfectly like I could have bought it right then and there like off the rack like it fit me perfectly and I walked out I looked in the mirror and I was just like holy shit I was like oh my god oh my god I first of all I've never seen this dress before in my life like on anyone this style this everything about it was something I haven't seen before and it is so sick like I'm I can't tell you too much obvious like I really want to keep this dress close to my heart and I honestly like as I'm talking about it right now I literally have a plan so my mom and my sister are going to fly in in January to come and watch me try on dresses because like instead of me the whole thing was

they recommended I buy my dress where I'm getting married they've seen people ship dresses get alterations elsewhere go back and forth and like get on flights to it's like I could get them altered I could get it altered here if I flew it in but anyways they're they convinced me that you don't want like 10 people sitting there when you try on the dresses because it gets you have too many opinions it's too confusing just have the most important people there like your mom and your sis maybe like Corey's mom I might she'll maybe she'll come with us too I don't know but anyways they're gonna come now in the end of January we're gonna have like a little girls weekend here and like super excited because like there was a point in time recently where

their schedules were kind of clashing with mine or whatever like they couldn't really make it and I was like well it's fine I can just get it here myself and you'll see it at the wedding but like you know I was really hoping they could come so now they're coming and basically what I'm getting to as I'm telling the story is I think this is the one and I don't think I'm gonna like I am gonna make an appointment at another place just to like you know confirm or like just to like see other styles maybe again and um like I yeah but anyways as I'm talking I'm like oh my god like I can't stop fucking thinking about it looking at pictures of it it's crazy so I try on the dress I looked I looked in the mirror Corey's mom was just like oh my god oh my god like

this guy came out of the back he like wasn't even part of the fitting and he was just like oh my god they're like they're like nobody looks good in this nobody does like I and I don't know if they say this to everyone I don't know if this is how they sell dresses there but like it was very convincing like his reaction when he walked around the corner he's like oh my god and it was kind of one of those things where I'm like I get how people have that moment with their wedding dress where they're like this was the one you know and um I don't know it's just so like it's like classic timeless chic but like modern but also like it's very like vogue if that makes sense like something you'd see on like the cover of a vogue magazine um yeah it's just so sick so

anyways I tried on some other dresses with that one okay after I tried on that one and then I at the very end tried it on again then they put a veil on me which was insane to have a veil on for the first time like that's just like I was the first I mean I've never in my life had a veil on it just got shit just got so real in that moment it was so crazy and then they handed me a little bouquet of flowers and um yeah then I started taking selfies in the dress and like taking videos in the dress and walking around in it and just like feeling myself in the dress and everything and okay so we like left um talked about that dress the whole way home like I went home and immediately like I forget what Cory was doing that day I think he was golfing but um I

think I just sat on my phone for like two hours googling the design or googling the dress googling comparable dresses like in different price points obviously because this one was a little on the high end like nerding out to looking on Instagram for anyone that's ever worn this dress and like what their wedding photos looked like and yeah so I went on a whole like yeah mission to figure out everything about this dress and I found someone who's very special and near and dear to my heart for a weird reason but like someone I really admire and look up to wearing not the same dress but a dress that is very reminiscent of it and it and she's like the queen if that makes I don't want to say like not I'm not gonna say it was like a royal person or like a celebrity or whatever

but she's like in my mind like she's just yeah one of those people that's like larger than life in my mind I just think she's like yeah the queen um so her dress is very similar and I remember when I saw her dress I was like for the first time I was like damn that is so sick and different and cool and um and I'm trying I'm wondering what are you picturing right now like I so whenever I talk about this with other people and then I show that like because I'll I'll start talk I've shown a few girls this dress like um so it's and like I haven't shown my mom yet I actually has seen it but my mom hasn't because I want her to see it in person for the first time but like I talk about the dress I kind of describe it and then when I show them the pictures it's like not anything

they thought which is kind of fun so anyways that night I wake up at isn't it fun to listen to someone talk about something they're passionate about isn't this why we're all here this is what life's all about like I'm telling you like I know this might be like if you're a guy right now you're like hey this is about her wedding dress like okay again this is for the I'm trying to get it's for the girlies it's for the girls this is for the girls um like no but it's just this is kind of like what life's all about right like having these like amazing moments in like life moments where you know I hope to only do this once like I'm planning on wedding dress shopping once and it's like here I am doing it and it happened and I'm like oh my god and then that night so the

story gets better that night I like go to bed thinking about the dress I didn't shut up to Corey about this dress the entire after I came home from the appointment it was like on the hour every hour I was just like mentioning it talking about oh my god I can't believe I did not expect to fall in love with the dress and like want this one so bad blah blah and I he he's like do not show me anything like I don't want to even see you in a dress that didn't work out he doesn't want to see me I was gonna post like he came home yeah he came home one night from work like a week later and I was about to like post the a picture of like a dress that didn't work out and just like show a little recap of wedding dress shopping he's like I don't even want to see you in any

like he just wants to have that first look where it's like this is the first time he's ever seen me in a dress like pictures or in person whatever so I totally respect that I get it I'm not gonna I'm not gonna mess around and you know um but anyways that night I literally wake up it's like 1 26 a.m thinking about the dress then I'm so I'm thinking about it I'm dreaming about it I wake up I get on my phone at 1 30 in the morning and I'm just like on my phone doing more research looking at the designer like nerding out to it for like I don't know 30 minutes and then I go back to sleep okay this is like the the final stretch of this wedding dress story that's I don't know it's like so yeah this is like the crazy thing so we went we went to this is a good segue to my next

topic about going to San Francisco for Thanksgiving so Corey's parents and Corey and I go to the airport to fly to San Francisco for Thanksgiving and his mom always has like fun trash magazines and she's always like offering them to me like whenever I'm at her house like hey do you read these do you want do you want one of these and blah blah and she had the sexiest man alive people edition um for 2023 I think it was Patrick Dempsey on the cover I forget who's on the cover wait I have it right here because I kept it um and before she gave me this one I went to the little like airport store thing where they have magazines and I bought a couple bridal magazines to read on the plane and she handed me this one the people yeah it's Patrick Dempsey

sexiest man alive um I swear they all like pay to be in this or I don't know like how do they decide who's half these guys I like don't even know um anyways she gives me this magazine and I think it was on the flight there at a certain point it was a short flight it was like an hour and a half to SF and I go through the first bridal magazines and it was kind of funny because I was having Corey do like left or right like if I saw because they all had like wedding dresses and different designers in them and if he so what I did is I had him choose like which side like if on their left page or the right page which dress do you like better and just kind of like a fun little thing that we did and anyways I am flipping through this people magazine and this is like a

fun game if you're a listener right now not cory obviously because he he knows he's not allowed to look at this magazine oh my god this is crazy there's a french bulldog on the page next to it and he loves frenchies um a fun little game for you if you want to figure out what dress i'm talking about is to open the people sexiest man alive magazine and flip around and see if you can find the dress now i have to say so basically i was sitting there on the plane and i was like holy shit there it is like I was like oh my god and like I flipped the page so fast because I didn't want Corey to see and I he wasn't I think he was on his phone like I don't even think he like side-eyed it but like it's it's in here and it's different though than there's some this woman

who was wearing it it's she's she did something kind of because you can like customize things on a dress like she first of all I don't like her hair but that's just um I don't care what kind of dress you get like do an updo I don't know like I'm just like I'm gonna do an updo um but she did a little bit of a different modification on hers than I would do on mine so it doesn't look exactly how mine would look um or the hair or anything but yeah it was such a crazy moment I was like oh my god how the like what are the odds Corey's mom hands me this magazine at the airport and there's the dress in it and I was like oh my god so yeah I'm still thinking about it I didn't expect to like love a dress right off the bat when I did my first try on but um

it might be the one um I'm thinking about like going to literally David's Bridal and just going to like a basic like like everyday bridal shop nothing fancy I mean this place was not anything special it was just like more of a like cute small boutique um but yeah I had a really great experience there I mean you walk in they're like can we offer you champagne do you want some cupcakes there's like little mini cupcakes and shit little candies and it's like all beautiful and bridal everywhere and yeah so anyways I'm on the airplane so we're going to San Francisco and for Thanksgiving to see Corey's sister um her husband and then their two kids my niece and nephew which is crazy to say like I'm an auntie um yeah it's such a weird thing like in such a

cool thing like to say that like oh I'm an aunt right but it's because it's by is it aunt but yeah by marriage because if my sister had a kid I would also be an aunt but if my husband has a sister with a kid I'm also an aunt but it's through yeah marriage I don't know like my brain like tries to string things together and sometimes I'm like how am I an aunt am I not I know they're not my like they're obviously not related to me like oh my god anyways this is like not important but they just bought a house up there and it was their first time hosting thanksgiving so we all went up and it was like the best weekend ever we so they live in marin county which is like outside of the city like past the golden gate bridge like the northern part of san francisco

and let me just say it was such a treat like it was such an unexpected like trip or like happen like i don't know how to explain it so we show up and we see their house and we see everyone and we like hang i forget what we did right off the bat but um at a certain point in the on the first day um cory's so is he my brother wait a minute i'm fucking stupid right know Corey's sister's husband is my brother-in-law right yeah he takes us oh my god am I actually that dumb right now no wait Corey's brother-in-law is him if I'm his wife future wife I'm his fiance anyways Corey's sister's husband I feel so stupid like okay just you know when you like think something but you're like is that right or am I just crazy like you you like overthink it that's

what I'm doing right now anyways he takes us on this little drive around the area and it's beautiful like obviously going through San Francisco I love I think it's such a beautiful city like I've I've been there one time but I've never been to this part of it and once you pass the bridge and get into Marin County it's just like it's just so like gorgeous with the trees it's so lush that's the thing about I guess it's northern California technically right that's what people say SF is northern seems like it's central I've never understood that but anyways it's like so lush it's so like green and pretty and there's the water and I don't know it just has such a different vibe than San Diego and he takes us anyways he takes us on this little drive around

the neighborhood and um we go down this little road and into these like like throughout these like redwood trees or something and I was like oh my god it's so foresty here like I was not expecting that like you literally just turn off the main road and you're in this like beautiful forest um and he parks the car and he's like okay we're gonna go on this little like hike thing and it's called dawn falls and it's this like little hidden gem where they live like literally five minutes away it's so close to their house I'm like this is so nice they can like bring the kids here and like hike here with a dog and it was so gorgeous it was like all the because I'm from Washington and I'm like that's what I grew up with those like thick foresty forests you know

with the thick tree with the big bark with the evergreen you know the pine cones the the ferns oh my god let me get into the ferns the ferns were such a treat to see because we don't have ferns here we have cactuses here if I go on a hike here in California I'm looking at cactuses like it was just so nice to see that kind of like forest so I know that sounds stupid it was like kind of moist and like cold and sorry for saying moist anyways so we go on this little like 20 minute it was like less than that like 15 minute hike just to like check it out at a certain point we took off our shoes to um just like do the barefoot thing and we hiked for like 10 minutes with no shoes on and I I have like there that grounding shit works like my feet like it didn't

even hurt I just felt my feet felt so awake and so alive and so good and like I had this like it was like having a foot massage just from the nature for just from the ground just from the pine needles underneath my feet and the little rocks and shit they were digging in which kind of hurt but like I was in it to win it so I just like went through it but um at a certain point like cross this little muddy creek but um yeah that was like to start the trip and just like immediately go on this little baby hike and it was so like yeah it was just such a treat I was like oh my god this is already like the highlight of my trip it gets better because we ended up going on this other hike to Phoenix Lake this other amazing hike there um I don't know it was

giving me all the feels because like I said I'm from Washington I moved out to California five years ago I've been in this like desert environment with a beach obviously which is its own thing like they don't have the beach there like we do like you know and anyways it's just it feel my soul feels so happy when I'm in that in nature-y like foresty environment um but yeah let's just say so or I'm trying to think um Thanksgiving this was like the first time in years that I haven't really cooked much for Thanksgiving like I offered a hand to help and I think literally the only thing I did was oh I should tell the story about the guacamole I should um anyways yeah so back to the hike so we did the hike what else we do that day oh we went to this little like dive bar where I think

a famous actor actress used to go to all the time and hang out with her friends and they he told us a story about that I don't know um yeah and that just the neighborhood the houses they're so fucking nice there's this place called Ross I think it's like a little town within the town this is like Larkspur Ross Marin County like it's just a gorgeous stretch of yeah anyways that's kind of the area where we were in um but anyways this was like the first Thanksgiving where I went there thinking like we were gonna go grocery shopping on um the day we got there and then I was gonna like cook something up or whatever and oh my god am I tailing off wait hold on let me reel it in how are you doing is this a long episode I dude I have so much to

talk about still like I okay we did the dress story we did now we're doing San Francisco I have a couple oh yeah and then I'm gonna talk about my breakdown and why I cried and then like the wedding without my dad thing that whole situation so um we'll get into that so anyways I pretty much did nothing as far as cooking goes there was a lot of like cooks in the kitchen and literally they were making salad dressing and um they're like it's too oily like something's off Jacqueline can you fix this and I was like sure it just needs lemon I was like I knew immediately I was like it just needs some more acidity so acidity uh it's such a great word so like I'm pretty sure like my contribution to Thanksgiving like was the only thing I did was

literally like squeeze a lemon into some salad dressing but um and we also helped with like shopping with like the oh yeah we got vanilla ice cream because they were like they wanted that for the pies so like they had this great grocery store by then we like walked to the grocery store and um yeah so we like picked up supplies and helped out with the kids oh my god I haven't even talked about the kids yet oh my god so they're like two and one um and it was my nephew's second birthday so we celebrated his birthday while we were there too which is great we had a little like kids party um and oh my god like we stayed at their house and so we got to do all the things we got to like every morning we got to be there when they woke up

feed them the bottle like you know just watch cartoons with them we loved watching cars with them like I don't know like they liked cars they liked um oh my god all of these let me just say this about all the new kid shows especially the naturey ones with like the animals and shit like they are so the graphics now and like the storylines I don't know they're just like so pretty to watch as like as an adult it's like enjoyable we ended up watching these little short Disney kid films like without the kids were like asleep and we were like watching them because it was so they were just so cool um oh we watched oh yeah I know I know we watched the dog one um Doug Doug days watch a lot of Doug a lot of cars I just love like because I haven't I haven't

been around a lot of babies since I was younger because all my cousins were younger than me so growing up I always there was always like little babies crawling around but as an adult like in my 20s like I haven't really seen a lot of babies or held a lot of babies and honestly like whenever babies were around I was kind of like I didn't know how to hold it because like I don't want to like f up its neck and like I just it wasn't like a natural thing for me because I just I was never around them so now with these two little ones I'm like it's I don't know why like after a day of it I was like I was like I just I'm like put me in coach like I'm ready like I'm I was just like this was almost the trip I needed to like just really nail home or hit home that like I'm

ready to bear children and be a mother and have kids like now. So, um, it's such a crazy thing how like, or I've always said, like, I think that process, like it happens differently for everyone, but mine has definitely been organic where like my, as I've gotten a little older, like everything just kind of slowly skews that way where you're like, I really want kids for real. I like the, because you go from like I like the oh yeah someday I'll have kids yeah someday someday I'll get married and like then you think about like the reality of what that actually looks like and that kind of scares you for a little bit and then you like start warming up to it and then you're like I like this for I like the reality I'm I can't wait for the chaos and I can't wait to embrace

through the reality of actually having a kid and like I can't wait for mother I can't wait till they're two I can't wait till they're in middle school I can't wait to like have best friends for life and have my own kids underneath me and like having and watching them grow up like that all that start that's that has organically like unfolded in my mind over the last probably like couple years but like recent like definitely the last six months um or yeah year six months and I don't know it's just been really nice like because I think a part of motherhood used to kind of like it was like oh my god like it just used to kind of scare me I was like oh that's like that's such a huge like life-changing decision you can never go back from and I think the whole

thing is in my opinion and just what I know to be true from my own experience is like it's all about your partner and having a solid rock next to you that's gonna make it fun and make it um like where you're a team and you're not doing it all on your own or and it's not stressful and it's not abusive it's not chaotic it's just like fun you know and um like what did I tell Corey today not to I haven't talked about him at all today um I said a line to to him at like I don't know it was like 5 15 in the morning because it's Saturday morning we go to bed at 8 30 last night I like fell asleep reading a book at in my like perfect little pjs that I never wear but I like showered early put on my pjs like lit a candle did my skincare for like 30 minutes got in bed

read a book and I fell asleep by 8 30 and he like told Alexa to put up put the alarm on for five o'clock and I'm like the fuck and I'm like it's Saturday he's like yeah but we're gonna work out because I have a tea time at like nine or something so anyways and this morning this is what I said to him and it's and this goes back to like finding a partner that you could raise children with and it would be enjoyable and not hell and and you would actually want your kids to end up like them and you would want him to be their dad and he would be an amazing dad and you can't you know what I mean like that's the that's the goal right and I definitely have it which is a crazy I just feel like very blessed and lucky but um the alarm goes off at like five

5.02 he always sets it for his stupid timing instead of just saying like oh set the alarm for 5 a.m he does like Alexa set the alarm for 5 13 a.m like he's such an idiot about it but um the second I've mentioned this before on the podcast here the alarm goes off it's already comedy hour it's already 5 a.m like let's see how many different ways I can make Jacqueline laugh in the first two minutes of her ever waking up like literally and I told him and I'm sure this is very relatable to all the women listening right now who have ever dated a man and slept next to a man my only experience ever with men especially on the weekends like we didn't go out or anything but like just is they're they're like sleepy grouchy groggy

don't really want to talk they're just uh it's so early uh like snooze snooze their alarm 32 times complain about getting up you know if it's the weekend even if they went to bed at 8 30 they literally wake up at 10 a.m just because it's the weekend and they want to sleep in just because they think mentally that that's what they need to do because it's the weekend like the whole the whole tone is very like like you can't you feel like you can't even talk to them or do anything because they're just like too tired and just like slow and then they get up and go take a piss and then they like kind of maybe check their phone and just like roll over for another hour and you're sitting there like I'm wide awake like I'm I'm always like I wake up and I'm ready to go like

you know it's five in the morning I don't fucking care I'm like up let's go to the gym let's do something like I told court I'm like I explained that to him I'm like you're the first man in my life that is I said I'm pretty sure I said I was like you're the first man in my life ever that has a full-on personality at five in the morning like a fully expressed personality like fun personality or what it is something about his personality 5 a.m personality like I'm just saying like humor is it for me like I I've fucking I figured it out like I knew that I knew I've always known that like humor is I mean if you think of like all the things you look for in a man like if he can make you laugh oof like for real that's the best thing and so I have that

And it's like literally five in the morning and I'm, I'm, I'm envisioning, I'm like, Oh my God, we have kids and it's five in the morning or six in the morning, whatever. Like it's just going to be a fun ass time all the time. Like things will be chaotic and I'm sure we'll have our trials and tribulations of parenthood, but like just that I'm like, damn, like, and even how we handle the dogs when things go sideways with them, like having accidents or issues, like we're just such a great team already. And it's just, it's so, I'm like excited to have kids. I'm looking forward to, I can't wait for it I'm like when I when we were with them going on walks and hikes and he was holding our little niece and his in the little like carrier on the hike and it was just

like oh my god like that's what life's all about like we gotta let's have a fucking family let's do this thing so um it's just such a trip too like and I know like his sister is just like I have two kids like holy shit it's like so like oh my like oh my god or Corey always says that he's like my sister has two kids like what um but yeah so our trip was great let me go back to the San Francisco trip we um what else did we do oh we went out for dinner one night we did a couple of those hikes um we walked this really great playground here's what I will say speaking of having kids and um going on these little hikes and walks and stuff like now that we're house hunting and looking for our our first place um it's something I never

really cared about until like recently especially after this trip seeing where they lived and all the stuff they had around them like and this is what sucks about the United States of America just like our country the whole like third place thing like gathering places like parks for kids things to do with the kids that aren't the school or the home, you know? And now when I'm looking for houses, houses, holy shit, houses with Corey, I'm really scoping out the neighborhood. Like if I was to take this stroller and walk down the street, am I staring at, you know, a sketchy neighborhood or like a weird, is there a highway right next? Is it, is it super busy and loud and crazy? Are there, you know, cars going by a hundred miles an hour? Like, you know, what's around us?

it's walkable because literally they leave their house and they're in the beauty of Marin County and the nature and the the beautiful like lakes and ponds and forests and beautiful parks and it's literally they have everything walkable around them everything so I've been like because there's some here's the thing like we have our spots in San Diego in San Diego that we us to personally like to be at as far as like living playing working all those things are like in a certain area and I feel like for what like what I'm describing uh to find that you're gonna have there's gonna be some like compromise of location or we're gonna get really lucky and find like where we want to live like location wise with a walkable beautiful park next to it maybe

be some nature somewhere you know what I mean like besides the beach because the beach to me isn't like I mean yeah you could take the kids to the beach but I don't know like I really I'm like really into like neighborhoods with parks now nature like like I want to be I want to zen the fuck out oh my god like that is the new chapter I think I'm entering like I've done this for five years I've done the apartment life I've done the city life San Diego like beach life I had a little place close to the beach at one point. Like, but now I'm like, if I have a family and a house and like, you know, and I'm settling down, like I want to be in peace. Like I want to, and we just looked at this place. Oh my God. Um, hold on. I'm thirsty. So, um, anyways, yeah, we looked at this

place last weekend was it I forget I don't even know what what's today December 6th I'm like well it was last week in Thanksgiving was the weekend before wait I'm like so discombobulated so I have been obsessively thinking about this place that we went and toured because its backyard was like Disneyland okay it was in this kind of shitbox neighborhood in San Diego that we're not a big fan of especially for um like resale value or whatever like it doesn't appreciate that well there I don't know it's like not I'm learning about real estate bear with me like it's just not a very good area to sell house in um and it's also like dumpy but there's this house in the backyard looked like Disneyland and it was crazy like the price was like right it was a five bedroom

three bathroom four five four or five three which was huge like 2,500 square feet but the price was right like usually those homes are like way those are the ones that are like oh those are way too high but this was kind of older it's like an older home and it was it had the sickest backyard it was like and so it didn't have a view of the ocean or anything it didn't have a view of like a canyon or anything but it had trees and a whole like forest it was like a canyon full of trees like it wasn't it's hard to describe behind the house that kind of wrapped around and it had this crazy backyard that had gazebos and staircases that winded around cool there was like a pirate ship steering wheel at a certain point somewhere and like cool little it didn't have grass like the

only thing that we would do if we got this place which we're like we already checked it off that it's not the one but um we would probably tear out a lot of those staircases and like porches and it just it was so it was so mickey mouse the word is mickey mouse like it's like when you're golfing and there's a lot of like windy twisty turny things on the green like it's like a very mickey mouse backyard and we would want to tear that up and put some grass in but it's on this crazy slope so it'd be kind of a you'd have to get an architect in there and really like redo it and fix it but it was I'm like but when I was there it was like a compound like you walk in and you look around I'm like this is like what you see out in Rancho Santa Fe

where like all the big-ass mansions are like it's it had that kind of feel to it when you're in the backyard I'm like damn like this is so hard to find in the it was so much land for how much what I'm like so anyways that's what I'm prioritizing now when we look at places I'm like I really need the neighborhood feel to be peaceful and zen and like family oriented I want the kids to have a place to like you know play that's walkable or I can take them somewhere that's not too far even in the car if I have to um yeah and I'm really like yeah prioritizing or I'm like the yard it's got to have like green grass like place for a little garden like something it has to be there's got to be nature involved somewhere um yeah after the San Francisco trip

I'm like I'm officially kind of burnout of not burnout but like I'm craving that kind of scenery like nature and um I don't want to like I don't want it to be loud like we toured this house it was beautiful it just sold it was like oh we couldn't stop thinking about it was one of the first places we looked at but the highway was right there it was like loud as fuck every time me walk out of your house it's like you know trucks driving by it's like that kind of stuff really um I really don't want that I want it to be like um this podcast six hours hold on how much battery life do I have four percent we're really winging it um we're watching squid game on Netflix I'm loving it I haven't I've gotten through like I don't know three episodes um

I think it's so comical how they get shot or whatever and their like chest bursts with like black ink and I I need to look that up I think they're all wearing like a special like pyrotechnic like because obviously they're not getting shot like the actual show when they literally die um I don't know if you're familiar but like the squid game there's a reality squid game show right now i think isn't on netflix like they're yeah i think it's on netflix um everyone's watching it we're watching it um but yeah so and they're doing the exact same or very similar well some of them are different we just watched the battleship episode that's where we left off but they're doing like a similar like um it's like the same thing as the original squid game

show but real people this time and not yeah um but i think they're all wearing something underneath their white t-shirt that like explodes when their number gets called when they say that they're like eliminated like number 242 eliminated and then their thing bursts like i kind of want to look that up does anyone know i wonder if that's like common knowledge squid game excuse me undershirt explosion shot black ink I don't know this is like a weird google um it's not how I can't look this up right now I'm I'm using one hand because I'm holding the mic with my other hand and I'm just like over it um yeah but anyways somehow they're like short

explodes it's really like funny to me um and they all like this the thing is is they're like so they've all been coached obviously on like how they should die like after they get eliminated like no one's like no one's like hysterically laughing or like they're all like in character when they do it they just kind of like fall back with a straight face and just like like as if they got shot and it's very like graceful and just like they just fall and stay put but I was watching so there's been um people are going on TikTok talking about their experience on Squid Game and this one girl said that when they did the red light green light challenge like the very first one with the doll that turns her head and plays the music and then does the red light green light

where they have to like stop and freeze or else they'll be out she was saying that the producers would walk in like after the music stopped and it was red light and everyone had to freeze there would be like 20 minutes of the producers walking around and I guess like deciding who got eliminated it or something or like they had to do something in between takes and then you had to stay frozen she was saying or else you would be out so during those 20 minutes which isn't very realistic like if if you're actually playing that game and it's stop and start and people get shot right after they move then the music keeps playing they keep going but like I think they should have I don't know the actual like logistics of how they film this show which was it's so like I love how they've

incorporated slow-mo there's these great interviews with each contestant like as the show's going on like it's a total reality show um you know people are mic'd up there's like little behind the scenes conversations happening and um they've done it it's a it's a very well done show like they thought of every detail and it's so theatrical and dramatic and stupid at the same time but um yeah apparently like this one girl she was like in a deep squat for 20 minutes and if she moved she would have been out and they're all playing for millions of dollars which I'm trying to wrap my head around I'm like I know there's like a shit ton of funding for this I don't know who's funding I don't know where this money's coming from I don't understand it I don't even

know where these people came from I don't know the story of the squid game reality show like did people apply obviously maybe they did or were they I don't know recruited because of they're a cool person and they have a cool story or something I'm not sure um but yeah that one football player right the guy from where do you play Clemson he was like a loud mouth everyone I think what was his number like 432 everyone wanted him out and he just got out of the he got eliminated in the battleship oh spoiler spoiler alert um but he was getting interviewed a little too much it was like okay let's talk let's create another character on this show here um so yeah we're watching squid game we're also eating a lot of ground beef like I kind of I don't know how to explain our current

diet it's very I don't know if you know who Ryan Fisher is he used to drive me insane because I followed him on Instagram and that was like peak when I was going through an eating disorder so it was like very true his content was triggering here's here's how all the fitness stuff is for me now now I can like pick and choose who I want to follow in and I'm because I'm I'm recovered and I don't struggle with an eating disorder anymore like um what's the word I I'm not as yeah triggered by what people post as far as diet and fitness goes now I can kind of like um I can like I'm not accept it but like I I'm actually like bringing it back in a little bit so yeah I think here's what happened during my recovery I like unfollowed and I got rid of all of it because

I was like I don't want to this is not healthy for me and then now I'm it's like I'm starting to like let it trickle back in slowly but surely like I follow a set of people that I'm like okay they're balanced they're they have a good mindset about all this they're they have similar beliefs about nutrition and fitness than I do and anyways like literally Ryan Fisher has this video and I'll never forget the first time I saw it he's like yeah I wake up and I cook a pound of beef every single morning and I call it like adult meat cereal and then he puts like hot sauce on it and he's like I look forward to this every morning and now I'm one of those like literally Corey and I like I went to Trader Joe's yesterday and we go through so much ground beef like I don't care

what I literally used to be vegan I used to be vegan for three years I was all about I don't eat carcasses I don't eat I don't eat um flesh I don't eat animals save all the animals like I was literally one of those for three years I was like raw vegan for six months at one point just eating fruit and like raw vegetables and so like now I'm not to say like I'm a carnivore but like I definitely eat a high protein diet and I like see so then I went through this phase post-vegan where I was like oh it's like lean fishes lean chickens lean shrimps lean meats like I was like afraid of red meat I was like oh red meats high fat it's like bad for you where now I'm like all about the red meat and the crazy thing is I whenever I have options of like meat to eat I am the most

happy after I eat red meat like I love the taste I feel the most satisfied I feel like it gives me a shit ton of energy I literally ate it for breakfast this morning after my workout because we had leftovers from last night and I just heated up before this episode I mean it is what it is like I know like sometimes I look at my food and I'm like this is kind of disgusting like it's just not your typical like wake up have avocado toast with hemp seeds and a matcha tea on the side or like have um you know your oats with your blueberries on top or like it's not sexy it's not cute. It's literally like ground fucking beef. Like it's just like, this isn't the kind of food you see at a Pilates studio. What am I thinking of that? Like, it's not, dude, does

anyone remember food combining? Oh my God. That whole wave. Like I did that. I've done everything, but now I'm just eating like, you know, steaks, ground beef. We still eat chicken and fish. We have salmon a lot we have you know we have we have everything but like right now we're on a beef kick we're on a ground beef kick and literally like I just eat ground beef and broccoli for dinner around the clock and I'm very happy and um I don't fuck with salads anymore I can't tell you the last time I ate a salad like it's just so off-putting to have like cold leaves right now like and I know a lot of people say like if you have gut issues digestive issues and you're eating a lot of raw vegetables and salads all the time just cut cut out the raw stuff just eat the

cooked vegetables and that'll help heal your issue your stomach lining or whatever it helps there's all these things out there about like that what you can break down your stomach versus what you can't and I don't know just do what works for you if you're vegan if you're only eating fruit if you're you know eating your porridge with your blueberries and honey on everywhere good like whatever I mean yeah we're just on a kick and I wanted to bring up I went to Trader Joe's for the second time now I have been asked by two different cashiers at the same place if I am making dog food and I think they're primed with the dog food idea in their mind or I'm by handing them my farmer's dog bags they're they see the farmer's dog they know that's probably

dog food and so then when they see all the meat come through they're like are you making dog food I don't know why two people now have asked me that because literally I bought 15 packs of ground beef we get the 90-10 I know there's a leaner one the 96 which is probably better I don't know like 80-20 is like if you're really looking for that that juice that flavor that you know then 80-20 is okay but like we get that 90-10 I got literally 15 packs I also got a bunch of you know chicken and fish and all other types of protein that's literally like honestly oh my god like I don't even know if this is like too aggressive to say if I don't know like I can't tell you how to live your life but like what's really confusing to me with maybe it's

because of what I expose myself to but like at a certain point like we're in the future far enough now where it's like if you're eating bullshit as like your day-to-day diet like I'm talking you get up and you go to the 7-eleven and get your White Castle burgers for breakfast at 8am or something in like a uh a red bull and or like a bag of funyuns and you're off to work like if you're still like people literally eat like that and I'm like it's I get it like oh it's healthy food's expensive whatever people make all these excuses but I'm like dude I cannot tell you how good it feels and how good it tastes to just eat like healthy and it's not even like what I I so easy for me to say it's so easy I'm like wait just remember who you are remember where you came from

like and some people it's like here and are there foods just feel they're not like obsessive about and I'm kind of at that point but like I care about health I care about aesthetics like I don't want to like yeah feel like shit and look like shit so I care what I'm putting in my body but I'm like oh my god it's so fucking easy to throw a bunch of ground beef in a pan and broccoli on the burger next to it cook it up in 10 minutes and eat like the best meal of the week like so that's kind of where i'm at i'm like and yet we have like the highest obesity rate ever right now like it's like four and i don't know how many adults it's like 60 of adults 70 of adults are obese um it's just such a mind

fuck to me and i don't know maybe it's because i'm again yeah it's what i expose myself to what I research what I look up but um I also think I'm one of those people that knows too much for her own good maybe because I've had I've done every diet I've had every disordered eating thing eating disorder I mean literally you name it I've had it I've been through it since I was like I'll never forget my first time I went on I did an entire episode on this by the way it's called my eating disorder story I don't make this my entire personality trait it is what it is like I've done an episode on it I talk about it here and there I mention it but um it was a big part of my life for it got really bad my freshman year of college um and then but it started I'll never

forget I went on my first official diet when I was a freshman in high school to get ready to get to get skinny for a dance to go with a boy to homecoming that I thought was disgusting and he asked me to be his girlfriend after and I was like I'm sorry I can't date till I'm 16 and I didn't know how to reject him anywhere anyway any other way so I like literally just said that and he went home and it was just like one but like that's when I started and I was like literally a freshman in high school and I saw this TikTok brick Brooke brick fuck Brooke Schofield is how you say her last name she has a podcast with Tana Mongeau I don't listen I I see their stuff a lot like I their clips but I don't I don't personally listen to it but Brooke makes a lot of TikToks and she's

like an influencer like makes content about relatable stuff I don't know but she made a post about how she thinks there should be an age restriction on diet and fitness content because like you don't need to know these things certain things about like cutting and like going on a diet you don't need to know these things at like 13 like I don't know it's just really sad that we're just such a um Corey's texting me do you see the box we got the two farmer's dog deliveries just now I'm gonna say yes podcasting yeah we're such a body focused or uh appearance focused society and we're i mean yeah but i definitely live in a bubble because if you think about it there's a huge probably

majority of the world out there that doesn't give two fucks about the shit i give a fuck about and most of like this you know pop culture uh ingesting society i live among like because I'm in that I'm in that world I'm in that bubble it's like it it's important to me I care about those types of things and the people I follow and listen to care about those types of things it's like I'm also over like literally if I see another like dermatologist coming out like I just saw don't put retinol on put retinol on don't ice your face it's doing this to your face don't dermaplane don't get these lasers don't get botox get botox don't it's just like there's too much information about how you should like and people are just looking scary and it's like less is more

um so yeah speaking of that I like tweezed my eyebrows weird the other day and I'm like kind of pissed off that I did that but um I keep like tweaking my eyebrows like going on this weird like eyebrow tweaking kick for no reason so I want to lint truffle where is this episode going we're gonna go I gotta like wrap this up because I really wanted the range and I've kind of I not I not I've kind of I have been sitting in my own sweat since I got home from the gym and I'm recording this episode of my own sweat and I'm just like not feeling too hot right now I'm really glad I turned on the AC because yeah it's like hot outside and it literally you know what last year starting in October I believe is when I clocked it yeah the weather started taking a

turn and getting rainy and stormy and gross here in Southern California and this year it's been beautiful it's been like a normal fall late fall um weather-wise so it's like super sunny blue sky it's crisp out like that's the thing there's like this crisp breeze in the morning it's super cold but like it warms up throughout the day so this holiday season hasn't really felt like last year it was a vibe it was like cold it was like rainy it was like you just want to like hunker down this year it's very summery and so I'm like like we're we're not getting a tree I'm gonna go to the goodwill wait what did I say I'm gonna go get those tacky ornaments and like go to the goodwill today which I still want to do but yeah like I just this is kind of a negative opinion

or mindset but like I just know it's gonna come and go it's December 2nd it's like gonna it's gonna be 2024 tomorrow like tomorrow literally you might be listening to this in 2024 like it's just a very fast um this just it just feels like things are going very fast um which is scary and I know so one of my goals for 2024 is that we have a huge year next year okay I'm turning 30 Corey's turning 40 I'll just say it fuck it I don't think he would care um I'm turning 30 he's turning 40 we're getting married um what else like yeah we have trips planned and something I'm prioritizing for next year is breaking up the cycle like doing new things going new places trying new restaurants like going on new trips and

you know like just adding in new routines and stuff just because and I know like when we get a house it's going to totally make things like feel that because I think it's the whole change of scenery thing like we've been here done that we're going on he's been here three years I've been here two years or less than that year and a half but yeah I feel like we're in the mood to like switch things up and just kind of like I don't know it's like tomorrow like I'm going to a new golf course I haven't been to like that's exciting like stuff like that those little things you do like trying a new coffee shop going to a new workout class instead of doing the same workout you always do like that really helps make time kind of I don't know if that slows down time

we have this Corey and I have a different opinion about time because he thinks it goes fast and if you're doing a lot and if you're having a good time and living a good life it's going to go by fast but I always think that when I'm doing a lot it feels slower and I think it's because I do a lot of like reflection in my head and if I think about oh in the last two months I did 10 different things like wow that was a lot and it feels slower for some reason I don't know so I'm avoiding this last topic I feel like I'm gonna have an emotional breakdown as I talk about it but um I I guess I'll just kind of like I'm probably gonna tiptoe and tap dance around it just because I'm like I'm not gonna air out my family's dirty laundry like not I'm not gonna talk about like

what happened when my when my parents got divorced and what went down like I'm not going to get into that I'm just going to talk about what it's like to be engaged and getting married without having um a good solid relationship with your dad and you haven't for like literally I was 20 years old nine years so um basically I had a breakdown um yeah what happened so Corey came home from work yeah this was like what's today was this the day before I got my period dude I always say this I'm not to bring up my period and be like one of those people like you know how influencers now always announce I'm on my period I'm bloated or like whatever they

always like talk about their period my cycle their cycle sinking they're like I'm in my luteal phase I'm being a total bitch right now so watch out like everyone's like their whole personality trait is like I'm in this phase of my cycle I'm on my period and I'm whatever I'm just not I'm not trying to be like I'm over see now I'm over I'm already talking too much about it anyways literally every fucking month the day before I get my period I cry every time it's almost it's like a 90% accuracy that I cry. I'm pretty sure I had this emotional breakdown the next day I got my period. So I don't know. Corey came home and I was on my computer. What was I doing on my computer? I think I was buying like Christmas stuff. I don't remember like gifts or something

probably for myself. I think I was buying something for myself that I needed. I was like on Amazon buying like laundry detergent probably sitting at my desk he comes home and I don't know we just got talking about the wedding and like because we've been talking obviously we talk about it a lot and as you know like we have a wedding planner we're working with and we've pretty much got a good idea about what we want to do who we want to work with blah blah and something that all these emotions started coming up about my dad and all these emotions about my family and all these emotions about my past and everything was bubbling and I'm like basically here's what you need to know without getting into detail I am the type of or not the

type of I don't know if I'll ever not have a mental tug-of-war going on in my head about my dad where there's a constant push and pull this push so here's what happened I got engaged right and I didn't call my dad I am planning a wedding I'm like I'm not inviting my dad um it's like pretty black and white to me but then I had this emotional breakdown and I'm like what am I doing with my life why am I not communicating like why am I I'm like he should be there but then I don't want him to be there and it's like I don't know what to do and I just like spiraled and I was like how did we get here you know like it doesn't I'm like it doesn't have to be like this and then I was feeling really bad about my or I was like being beating myself up for

not being a better daughter and not being more communicative but then I remembered all the things that he's done too and I'm like well then it's it's a two-way street it was just this thing where I'm like fucking hey it's almost easier and this is honestly how it's been for a long time now it's like I don't know if this is relatable if you have like a hard tough relationship with a parent or especially your dad like I just kind of default to like not thinking about it and just like not pushing it down necessarily but just like accepting this is what it is and not trying to put a lot of like um pressure on myself that like I need to have this perfect relationship with my dad and I need to like make all this effort to have the relationship and like call him and travel

to see him and stuff it's like I don't want to though that's the crazy thing and that's the tug of war in my head it's like I don't it's like I'm at this cross I'm always in this like place where I almost get paralyzed because I get it's just so fucked up like honestly like I just I wanted to bring you in a little bit into this wedding planning process today and kind of let you know that like behind the scenes it's been honestly just that day when I had the breakdown it's almost like it hit me all at once I was like wait because I you know what I was doing I don't I don't do this a lot but sometimes I picture myself as like a little girl and I think about my childhood and my perfect little family and and how we all were together and I think of my parents together and

I think about the good times and I think about the trips we would do and the fun we would have and you know it's like we used to call my dad the good time man and um you know he would make us laugh so hard and he was just like the best you know and then so I think what was happening in that moment when I was spiraling and crying so fucking hard like I it felt so good to cry like I really needed to do that and it was like I was grieving honestly I think I went back in my head to my child and I saw myself as this little girl with a dream to get married and find a husband someday and now here I'm doing it and I'm like damn my dad's not he's just not part of this like this isn't it didn't turn out that way you know and I was like damn that's it just it made me

really I felt like I was grieving my family grieving about just my relation my dad and how it's unfolded over the last nine years and how it's and I've said this very so I started saying this very early on because I realized like I'm not special like I know a lot of kids are from divorced families and um their parents get remarried which my dad did and like you know they've got all different sorts of family setups and you know and whatever but I I started saying early on probably in the first couple years post divorce and this is what this was when I was in college by the way so I was 20 years old when it happened um and it was rough I'm not gonna like tell you what happened like it was not pretty um it was and I yeah I was by my mom's side the

whole time and it was just like a gnarly situation so um I just kind of tell myself like this is my new normal like this isn't this isn't what I signed up for when I was a little girl like I wanted my parents to live together forever and be together forever and my dad walked me down the aisle and us have our perfect little family forever like you grow up thinking that and boom you're 20 and everything goes sideways and splits up and then now you're an adult getting married and you're like okay well this situation looks different and now I'm just telling myself again it's like I have I and I've obviously talked to people but like this isn't like like I've been therapy and I've talked this out before and everything it's like yeah you kind of

it's like there's no blueprint no perfect way there what is it they like just it's like feel your feelings and it's almost like tell yourself whatever you need to hear to make yourself feel better when this kind of shit happens because it's like you kind of you kind of got the short end of the stick here you got you kind of got it you know what I mean like if it feels good for you to say this is my new normal and I'm not going to put any pressure on myself to like have a perfect relationship with my dad because it if it's like do whatever the fuck works for you in that situation it's just but I think what it is for me is all this outside it's the pressure from society in the world with what a perfect family looks like that sometimes I let trickle in and then I think

of like how I am and what I believe and I'm like oh I should give people a second chance and oh I should you know I believe in that I don't believe people's future is their past and I think you should be able to start new chapters with a new relationship with people you might have become estranged from or you used to have a bad relationship with I think that's possible I think that can be a healthy thing but again back to where I started with this conversation and I can't tell you too much I'm not again this is not about the details just know that every time I think about my dad it's like the the mental tug of war is paralyzing and I don't know it's like I can't take action because if I take action and communicate I or it's like if I lean

one way I feel like shit after feeling the other way and ignore it and not communicate and you know keep the distance and keep the peace then it's like I don't feel bad I think I only feel bad when like these big life moments happen and I realize I don't have them there and I'm like oh that sucks that's shitty and I kind of feel bad for myself for a day and then I get back to my normal life and I'm like well it is what it is you know so it's like no matter what I do I just feel like shit when it comes to my dad like it sucks it really fucking sucks you know and it's just it is it's what it's one of those things where um it's complicated it's complicated it's very unfortunately like it doesn't need to be complicated like it but it is I don't know how

to explain it and and again like if you listening right now knew every single fucking thing in my head when it comes to my dad like I'm not going to tell you obviously because it's personal but you and I think that's how life is like until you walk in someone's shoes until you really see the world from their own eyes in their own perspective and if you really got in their head like you would get it even if you got in my head and even if you knew everything a piece of you might be like well you're making the wrong decision here juggling you should do x y if you if you have the same experience maybe you would act differently I'm just and we're all different you know I don't know I feel like I have

to justify what I just said like I have to explain why I'm because then I hear people go well what do you have to lose just invite him what do you have to lose how bad could it be it's like it could be like it you know so I've never talked about this on my show I am planning a wedding and I'm not inviting my dad and I thought I'd be honest and real about it because it's not easy um isn't that so effed up like like if you if you truly didn't want your dad there should be an easy decision like oh he's not coming it kind of was like that at first it was very knee-jerk but I think after this breakdown after the spiral I was getting all emotional about it and I was realizing like damn this is like

my heart was kind of broken it was kind of broken like about my dad and I was really like literally I was grieving and just I had one of those cries where it felt like a death like crying about a breakup where you're like like I love that person like they're gone and you're just like you know that visceral like deep cry and for me what was coming up I couldn't stop picturing being a little girl with my dad and like having these dreams about or not dreams necessarily but like thinking about being a little girl and like knowing someday I wanted to get married and I knew like oh my dad will walk me down the aisle we'll have the first dance of all night it's just like out the window and I'm like and you know what it's like if you want to know why I'm why I'm

so it's like no no wonder it's like not surprising how I ended up this way like you know like um it's like eating disorder daddy issues I've been bullied self-esteem issues hating myself not wanting to be here all this I've literally it's like I know I'm like really what is it called I'm oversharing and that's like is that like not a trend anymore on the internet like I think people are like dude these influencers they need to like keep some shit to themselves like I kind of know that's what I'm doing or I do know that's what I'm doing here but um this is my audio diary it is what it is like that's it's my contribution to society because I I think it's important to have these conversations like I know it can get especially when it's me because like I don't

when other people talk like this I'm like shut the fuck up but when I talk about I'm like dude please be all ears right now please listen um it's the most narcissistic thing I could say um dude I'm not special I kind of am when it comes to talking about trauma that's when I'm special and that's when you should pay attention I'm the only person you should listen to talk about their own trauma and shit but like it's crazy like sometimes I'm like and I think that's why I'm so not to be full of shit again and talk nicely or highly of myself like I think that's why I'm so solid like I I'm so resilient I'm so and I just and I have so much dude all this shit's giving me so much perspective is the thing if you don't have perspective like

get it I don't know how to you kind of get it through facing a lot of fucking adversity and realizing how blessed you are at the end of the day and how like the littlest things make you feel they make you feel so blessed and so happy because you realize like when you've gone through the trenches and now your life is stress-free or just like always up you're just like well obviously like why wouldn't you be but like you're just like so happy to be here so happy to have a good life like I keep I've said this like 50 times since I met Corey on this podcast but I'm like how does my life get any better I don't understand I'm it's almost like when you go your whole life and I would stop it at 20 whenever I started this podcast was like 26 27 27 22 26 27

when all I know when all I knew until I was like 26 was stress chaos depression abuse toxicity trauma like obviously had amazing beautiful wonderful life experiences great days with my family even my dad like of course of course but there was always this roller coaster I was on always it was a non-stop like up and down high and low with family with relationships with myself personally especially because that's what I literally healed by podcasting like my personal relationship with myself but I knew that for literally the 26 years of my life it was a constant constantly on this up and down roller coaster and having trust issues and like being scared and having all these fight or flight responses all the time and like just you know

it was like and so now to be at a place of true peace and calm on a day-to-day basis like within my relationship especially not only with myself but with Corey and our life and the people we know it's like so zen and great I'm like and this is why I think people like self-sabotage and fuck up relationships like the second someone's like I'm I'm in love with you they're like I'm bye like I can't they're out it's just because they're like they don't feel like they're like like something needs to be wrong all the time they make up problems just to like create a feeling in their body or they need to like recreate the drama that if you have no drama and you're used to having drama for 26 years

of your life it's such a weird and I'm obviously very happy about it like I'm not complaining about it but it's weird I'm like like I know I deserve to be happy I know I deserve to have a good life and I and I want this for myself and I think I've quote-unquote manifested this for myself because I've really put out that it's like I've really tried to exude this and to the world and into who I'm around I think that's come back to me or I know it has because you know look at look at everything now but um it's just wild I'm like dude I have nothing's hard like nothing is like that like I had that breakdown which is a rare breakdown I haven't had in like two years but like I used to have those breakdowns weekly daily sometimes like all the time I used to be a

fucking mess so I'm turning 30 next year and all I can say is in my 20s like this is like a good way to end my 20s is being on this kind of high of just life and peace and happiness and love and joy and like this is how life should be lived you know what I mean I feel like yeah I I should have a podcast I should talk about healthy relationships I should talk about my past and what I went through and how I got here because I think that's important like I'm all about breaking the cycle and not repeating it and all about learning from your past mistakes and not repeat I'm all about evolving and becoming not only a better person for

yourself like you're not only improving your personal relationship with yourself and truly like liking yourself I know everyone's like oh self-love self-love like I'm just talking about like thinking you're like looking yourself in the mirror being like dude I'm cool like I got it going on like you know I got the sauce I got the swag I got the I'm the shit like a little bit of that in you a lot of that all of that in you like literally you you when you see yourself in the mirror you're like I like what I'm looking at I'm happy about it like I'm proud of this I got it going on like I never had that literally until I was 26 I look in the mirror and I'm like I just I felt lost I didn't know who I was I was like I don't like myself I'm embarrassed by myself

I was trying to hide I was very like insecure about my appearance everything about me I would like nitpick and so now it's like I have that that's totally like fucking wipe that shit out doesn't exist anymore comes and goes don't get me wrong how many days like I'm not perfect but then it's like okay there's that person like evolving that part of yourself evolving like your lifestyle and your situation if you're um you know down and out and depressed about where you live and you're set up like move like I'm a big I'm a big believer in like changing your environment surrounding yourself with a better like physical environment the location you live in the people and the people you look at and people you're around the people you work with the people you

hang out with like completely evolving that part of your life because I do think if you stay in the same shit your whole life not shit that it's shit I'm just saying like um at least travel like you gotta at least travel get out you know explore um expose yourself to other people other ways of living and um I'm a big believer in that evolve evolve evolve I don't know it's just it's fun it's like it's a whole like you know when I listen to the and I think it's it's got to be my top five favorite Rogan episodes ever the Kevin Hart episode where he was talking about how he truly thinks life's a video game and it's all about leveling up to the next level and a lot of people say that life's a video game life's a video game like I swear to god that's like the

most Jake Paul shit ever like the way he's living his life is clearly like he thinks it's a video game like just look at him look at his success look at his the levels he's leveling up to it's just amazing to watch like there are people out there where you're like damn they're really trying to push the limit and realize their own potential and like exceed their potential like go above and beyond and I don't know that really it really inspires me and even if it's at a small level like in my in my case it's like I'm not a fucking boxer I'm not a youtuber whatever I'm not I kind of am but like not really go subscribe my youtube channel if you're listening right now I'm on go subscribe I do have a youtube channel um even on a small scale if you're just like a

it's like dude I'm a nine-to-five bitch okay with a podcast okay I'm a nine-to-five work from home biatch of the podcast who moved to california after college who's getting he's engaged who's you know marrying the love of her life or buying a house you've got a couple dogs you want to start a family it's like even on that like i'm not to say that like you like that's literally like everyone even if you're like fucking jeff bezos like you know he's booed up right now he's he's settling down or what like again didn't he get who's his new didn't he just get married i don't know i just saw some weird pictures of him and his woman but at all levels like we're all trying to do the same shit live like a happy live a happy little life and not to minimize what I'm doing

here but it's very simple and it's very healthy and it's I've evolved like I've I just didn't want to stay in the same cesspool of my own mental shit for the rest of my life and I'm just and that's not everyone I have to remember some people like Corey or just a lot of people that don't really have a lot of mental chaos to deal with on a day-to-day basis it's like this doesn't really apply to them and they're just already um like they've already kind of like figured it out but what am I saying I think because of my past like I get really fired up and stoked about my future because I'm like I just it's gonna be so good you know if you're like I just get so fucking pumped up about the dumbest things like tomorrow I'm going to a new golf course I'm gonna

play golf like I'm just like you know what I mean um it's like we all need to face death for real I feel like that'd be good for everyone like not that I did but like that'll change that'll give you some perspective real quick you know um how can I end this episode because like is this a two-hour episode I think it is we talked about the master chocolatier on tiktok that needs to chill the fuck out the lint truffles that I'm obsessed with um my weekend plans going to the goodwill buying tacky Christmas gifts because I'm sick and tired of aesthetically perfect all white and neutral brown beige like the new thing is like brown Christmas trees brown Christmas trees I know brown is like the color right now like I'm obsessed with brown myself but

like brown Christmas trees so I'm gonna do that um I'm gonna go hit balls and practice I told you about my wedding dress shopping experience I recapped Thanksgiving I talked about the squid game show buying meat at Trader Joe's crying my eyes out because I have daddy issues I don't know I just get really you know how do you ever just get like really sad because here's what it's most days it's like I'm not thinking about it I'm not thinking about I'm living my life everything's solid everything's good you know I've just kind of like moved forward keeping myself going keeping my little mind going like but then every now and then and this happened the other night I have this wave of sadness and grief that comes over me about my

family and my dad I even think of my brother my little brother I get like so emotional about my brother I just I think it's crazy how like it's like I'm 30 next year and I'm like I'm just not like childhood is gone bitch like now you're gonna raise your own kids and you're gonna give them their own childhood like that's a create like the chapter is starting like the new chapter is unfolding it's like how the fuck did that much time pass how am I here so let's have an existential crisis or whatever let's have a all together right now because dude I'm just back to what I was saying about like being stoked and being hyped up and excited about life and the future and all the things you're gonna do it's

like not it's like you got one ride you got one ride make it fun make it healthy make it positive make it good like pursue your dreams like go after it you know um don't fall into bad patterns because dude I've been am I really doing the dude thing this much I think I nipped in I nipped my phone usage in the ass for real I've talked about on this podcast recently I've been like really like holy shit we're really all just on our phones all the time now but I gotta say I've been reading every night I've got a 500 page a 500 page Ray Dalio book Dalio Ray Dalio um the Bridgewater guy the famous dude that started Bridgewater um hedge fund dude uh does he have Instagram yeah I've been reading his book every night instead

of being on my phone and it's like duh like I used to read before bed and it's like I'm what I'm doing is I'm not breaking the chain like I'm really trying to stick with it every night and I think I've I've actually nipped nipped my dumb scrolling at night before bed in the ass and I'm like officially becoming an adult so um wait I'm gonna follow him founder of Bridgewater Associates author and number one best New York New York Times bestseller of principles yeah that's what the book's called principles professional mistake maker he has a personality assessment I don't know I'm into it I like learning about like finance stuff and um stock market shit it was crazy like he was talking about how China didn't have any markets back in like or like

they didn't really have a financial stock market system or whatever in place in the 80s and he was part of like he met I think he went to Beijing like met a bunch of these young dudes that were like real scrappy they're like building that building China's financial system out in like hotel rooms and he helped mentor them and like teach teach them his ways and he helped um I think he gave them money to like get it going so he was part of like China's stock market like creation or I'm like when did the stock market start I'm like so when did like was that in the 80s that seems like it was long it was like earlier than that like literally wait when did Chinese when did China's China's market this is not the episode am I really doing this right I thought I was going

to end it I have three percent left on my phone stock market start or begin 1860s dude what in the fuck Shanghai is mainland China's first city to see the emergence of stock yeah I'm like this seems like it's something happened though in the 80s I should get the book and read the passage but he basically like maybe it was with a certain maybe he helped start the what was he into commodities no would have been that maybe like I don't know I need to reread that passage but it was it was just cool to learn about like I'm always curious like someone like him like where they got started or how they got started is such a crazy thing he's like literally talking about yeah like we we got a farmhouse we had 10 employees and like my kids would take the

my kids were like you know he had two little boys and they're like six and ten years old and like all the employees were like their other parents and they like walked past the door when they were shitting and the door was like wide open they laugh and smile at them and like I don't know was just like cool to read about the beginning of Bridgewater and all of his failures and that's something oh my god something I immediately picked up on while I was reading this book was how um how much he's into or how he's highly aware of his mistakes he's he takes ownership of them and he wants to improve on those mistakes and learn from those mistakes he would write down like how he made all of his decisions on every or how he arrived at a decision for all of his

investments he would write that entire process down and then repeat it for the next one and then if something in that failed he would like adjust and change it and then like do it for the next one and he was just constantly talking about how he wanted to improve his systems be better do better like learn more and just it's a whole like 100 personal accountability thing like um he was an arrogant asshole who was like maybe he was I don't know I'm sure fucking if he did what he did I'm sure at some points he had to be but like you know that that's how people become great is they're like I suck at this I failed at this and I want to not do that again so I want to get better and how do I do that and then they go find the people they find mentors they find they read

the books they do whatever they can to acquire the right knowledge to not have that happen again so I don't know um it's not just like common sense I guess common sense isn't common who said that first is that such a good good phrase common sense isn't common not to have another existential crisis and not on the episode but like i never thought like when i was 13 like i never in my life like not to bring up like the whole trans movement movement thing and like the controversy surrounding the lgbtq whatever like or just like women and trans women in sports like i would have never like all these things that are happening right now that are like all the hot button topics seem like such nonsense like just

why are why are they so important why do they surface to the top of every fucking news channel like I just I'm like what are we even talking about like what is happening like why like why is it like everyone's just on that like especially the trans stuff I'm like it's all people talk like what are they it's like what who cares like whatever like I know it's not whatever because it's like actually like there's some things going on that are like not so you know hot um i loved oh my god speaking of trans women's warts fucking andrew um schultz i think he had a new special come out or i don't know he like posted a clip i'm not supposed to retell comedians jokes right fuck you're not supposed to do that

because it's like the punch line i don't think i'll fuck it uh is that rude i don't know is that not he just had a really funny take on it about trans women in sports that's all I'm going to say go look him up go look Andrew Schultz up on Instagram he posted it um it was just funny it was like kind of true um he mentions like black people and how white people felt when black people entered sports this is like telling you like this is kind of how like girls women think about trans women entering sports it's like the same thing um anyways all right thanks for listening this episode please hit that subscribe button wherever you're listening right now are you at the gym are you on a walk are you in the car are you making dinner are you doing the dishes are you walking

the dog or are you reading a book are you reading a book are you mowing the lawn yeah wherever you're at right now please hit that subscribe button and leave me a five-star review on the apple or spotify podcast apps and tell a friend screenshot this share it um print it out put it on your bulletin board at your local library print out my show and just fucking put it everywhere print out this cover art of the show oh my god jacqueline on the episode um yeah tell a friend and okay subscribe review tell a friend print out a flyer follow me on instagram at jacqueline monroe and if you're feeling it if you want to tip me five dollars a month patreon.com slash tjms is my subscription service you can it's five dollars

month head over there at patreon.com slash tjms to subscribe love you thanks for hanging out and i will talk to you next week bye And now that I'm gone, yeah, I know there's no turning back And now that I'm gone, yeah, I know there's no turning back I don't fucking take smoke, I'ma poke a hole through you, choking's overdue Come at me and you won't get any older, dude, crack your hold or two Heated up inside of me, blood so violently, thanks for trying me Now it's finally time to see how this rivalry becomes my dynasty

I know there's no turning back Oh God, adrenaline wasted So mad I can taste it I know there's no turning back I'll do what it takes, I ain't making mistakes like that I'll bleed on your face just to make you go take it back I'll lose my shit, I go crazy when I'm mad And now you gon' wish you had shut the fuck up real bad

And now that I'm gone, yeah, I know there's no turning back And now that I'm gone, yeah, I know there's no turning back