The Jacqueline Monroe Show - 5- Sexy Ankles and Forrest Fires

Episode Date: September 8, 2020

In this podcast I talk about my life and attempted to record on video but it didn't save so it's just audio. I'm still learning!!!! Have a great Tuesday! :) Patreon.com/tjms 

It's smokiest fuck in California right now. Hi, welcome back to the podcast. Happy Tuesday. I'm recording this on a video right now and I'm, I'm, I have, I have anxiety. I will be honest. I look like shit on camera. I'm on photo booth right now because while I do have, as I'm showing the audience on video right now, while I do have a Canon G7X nice ass camera with a flip up screen to do high quality video for this right now, um, I'm just shooting my shot I'm throwing this out there I want to get I'm doing the bare minimum for my video podcast right now because I don't want to put too much pressure on the situation and if I start making this like a high quality production all of a sudden I'm gonna overthink it and again I said

this on my Instagram story I said this earlier but I feel like I'm gonna perform for the camera if I record myself and I'm I'm nervous about that so this is a test run this entire podcast is one giant learning experience it's one giant uh test of and it's going to take a lot of years to work the kinks out i'm talking like i i anticipate let's see uh it's 2020 by like 2032 so 12 years i'll probably have this shit down um but in the meantime um it's going to be a lot of it's gonna be a big shit show until until i find my voice until i come into my own as a podcaster as a podcast host. So yeah, that's what's going on. I'm recording this on video. I'm shooting my shot with myself because what I mean by that is that I don't like the way

I look on camera. I look like shit today. I literally just came from the gym. I'm still wearing my sweaty hoodie or my sweaty tie-dye sweatshirt. I don't even know why I worked out in a sweatshirt today. Let me get some coffee. I'm like overthinking this already. So yeah, that's what's up. Still wearing my gym clothes like I did yesterday. I took my pants off as soon as I walked in the door. Proceeded to take a Zoom meeting, no pants, for my job. And proceeded to podcast immediately after. And I'd be lying to you if I said that I didn't go put on a little mascara because I'm self-conscious of my lashes right now so the only movement I made from this table after I came home from my um gym and then zoom meeting and then now the podcast the

only uh change the only movement what am I saying the only the only thing I did is I got up and went and got mascara and put it on because I've been using this lash serum for the last six months called grande lash it's like 65 bucks on amazon which seemed ridiculous because it's this tiny little tube but uh I forked it out bought the lash serum and it's having the reverse effects I swear to god it was making my lashes beautiful my lashes this year have never looked better they looked they look like how every guy's lashes look like so long so luscious and I I haven't had lashes that good since I was like 10 years old and then I keep putting the serum on still and now they are gone my lashes are a fourth of the length they were so anyways I'm a little self-conscious

about that so I am um I went and got well I put on a little mascara for the video and I also set up the set design for my um is this lagging oh my god is my video lagging I have anxiety that my can't my fucking uh computer is going to get too full because I'm recording the podcast in garage band and I'm recording the video on photo booth so I feel like it's going to have an aneurysm and it's going to fucking explode because there's too much uh content being recorded so what I was saying is I set up the little if you see the video I set up a little um I call this like what did I say I tweeted out like the zoom call set design is key like your background is so important I think I take it very seriously I take a lot of pride in my my zoom meeting set um like

I have my horse picture in the background and my two plants I got from Trader Joe's I'm going to show the video I'm going to tilt that up a little bit there you go shout out Trader Joe's like $5.99 I think for cute little plants I always pick up a new plant when I go to Trader Joe's then I have the Vaseline that was delivered yesterday from Amazon sitting next to my little Pusheen the cat stuffed animal with a little donut she or he is holding I don't know it's Pusheen I'm not going to gender this cat um it's going to be it this is a cat with no gender um and then yeah my Vaseline sitting next to it which life update about the Vaseline I was talking yesterday on the podcast that I came across a lady on TikTok that gave me all the

science and all the facts about petrolatum or petroleum she says petrolatum and it's I think it's it's petroleum jelly I'm talking about Vaseline but the actual ingredient is petrolatum apparently this is like some major trend in Japan where you it's called slugging slugging your face or something where you put Vaseline on after all your skincare at night, you put on Vaseline and you wake up with like a super soft face. And I can confirm, I felt different this morning when I woke up and looked in the mirror. I was like, okay, so I know you didn't eat a lot of salt yesterday. So your jawline's a little more snatched than usual because I do suffer from gaining extreme amounts of circumference in my face if I do one dash of sea salt on my fucking

food or like a little too much hot sauce I'm fucked the next day it's like okay Jacqueline you're gonna have to take an ice cube I literally take so I rely on two things to de-puff my face I'm already getting sidetracked I wanted to go back and say that the Vaseline worked my face I looked different. It was great. Good experience so far with the Vaseline. Um, my skin looked amazing when I woke up. Now I'm segwaying to having a puffy face. So, uh, yeah, what I do to de-puff my face, uh, no bullshit, no bullshit is I take ice cubes out of my, um, not my special ones for coffee. I don't fuck with those little teeny cute ones that are really fun to crunch on. I take normal size ice cubes and I drag the shit out of them all over my face until I can't like

literally till my face is numb and I swear that is or I'll or I'll put a bunch of them in a bowl like in a bowl of water and I'll dunk my face in it and hold my breath for as long as possible until my face is de-puffed because so I do that and then I rely on morning workouts to get all like the sweaty puffy excuse me all the puffiness out of my face I'm hyper aware of um I'm hyper aware of how like bloated my face looks in the morning I don't know does anyone else care about that shit I don't know I have extreme body dysmorphia I've decided like you could it doesn't matter like any body part on me like my fucking like pinky fingers are elephant size to me like these belong on an elephant like I everything about me I feel like is 10 times too big so I'm

talking about like just a little puffiness for all my face my pinky my pinky toes um my actually have great my ankles are great I do not have body dysmorphia in my ankles I actually I I was thinking about this the other day I'm like ankles I mean they're kind of sexy like if you take okay like at the gym just pan around this you know pan around the gym and check out people's ankles and you're going to start to see some you're going to start to see some differences between ankle size and ankle shape and and it's all about the proportion your ankle proportion to your calf you know what I mean and I have a good my my ankles thank you mom and dad I have great ankles I also have great wrists I have tiny tiny wrists see then again I have body dysmorphia in my hands

I feel like I have man hands. So why am I talking about this? I do have sticky notes here. I want to show the audience. I have sticky notes I wrote on that I want to check in on throughout the podcast to stay focused on updating guys on the last 24 hours, because this is now a daily podcast and I have to provide the juicy content and let you know what I did over the last day. so you guys never, you guys are, you're gonna know my entire life story forever, because this shit, I'm not stopping, I'm not going anywhere, uh, I might, uh, I might have, like, a couple days where I'll be, like, no podcast today, because I'm, um, I don't know, like, hungover or something, I'm probably not, I don't drink, so I don't really get hungover, but, like, I'm just,

I don't know, maybe I'm, like, I don't know, I'll be with my family or vacationing or whatever, but, like, for the most part, I plan on doing this 24-7, like, at 365, whatever. Yeah, so you guys are going to know everything, and you're going to know about today, what happened since I last talked to you yesterday. How cool is that? Woo, I'm, like, waving my hands for the camera. Wow, nine minutes 42 seconds doing a stretch um is this like classic ADD or ADHD I just will sideways talk like I'll be on a topic and then I'll bring up like something completely out of left field and yeah that's because I feel like I keep saying this every fucking podcast that I have to fill the air and I can't let any dead air happen so if I if I

even think of this tiniest thought in my head will be it will produce into a sound and I will talk and I will say it out loud and I think that's going to come across very ADHD and I don't know if that's annoying but this is just how my brain is uh thinking right now and dumping out information for you guys um oh I do have so on the on the uh I always have a heavy hitting on the sticky note here I have a heavy hitting topic for today which I had yesterday about um I I kind of riffed on how people are like social media has dumbed us all down and people are so uneducated on current events and politics and everyone emotionally reacts then we have all these chaotic events happening with groups of people that are all agreeing they're they're getting

mad about the same thing and everyone actually agrees but the way they're handling it is like it's insane so anyways I feel like every podcast I have something more deep to talk about and today I do have sort of it's not even that deep but it's just a thought I had um and it's actually going to come across sarcastic and maybe like assholey-ish is that a word it's going to come across kind of I don't know pretentious maybe I don't know we'll find out I'm gonna talk about it but um other than that the last 24 hours let's see I um wow California's on fucking fire I was driving to the gym this morning and it was kind of misty I couldn't tell if it was the the marine layer or if it was the smoke but I think it's a combination of the two because the fire over in

the valley over in the alpine valley east of san diego is she's hot she's hot and she's spreading i think it's 10 000 acres one percent contained how the fuck do they know that okay i don't understand like i okay i'm i'm dumb on a lot of topics and i don't know anything about forest fires but i'm like how the fuck do they stop like obviously the firefighters are out there but I'm like the I'm obsessed by the way with that plane that dumps the fire retardant that huge plane if I was a pilot that's the job I would want um in for during forest fire fire season I would want to drive the plane um or fly the plane that dumps the fire retardant it looks like the plane has its period it like goes over the it goes over the hill and then all of a sudden it just

like spews out this red shit all over the trees, um, which is awesome. Shout out to those people working their asses off right now. Um, I can't imagine, like, I know forest fires are super scary. Like things can happen so quickly and change in the way the winds are. And I mean, it can, it's, it's very scary. So shout out to the firefighters, all the people working out there right now but yeah I woke up this morning went to the gym and it was super yeah foggy out but also smoky and yeah it's a weird vibe the lighting's weird I know I didn't get the light I know I didn't get the lighting right for the video podcast today like I just just I like fucked around with my blinds a little bit I'm doing it right now to kind of see if I can brighten my

face up a little bit but I don't give a shit again it's more about the audio and less about the visuals because I'm a podcaster I'm not I'm not a social media bae who needs to look good on camera even though I'm gonna put this on my YouTube channel I mean I do have some influencer babe videos if you want to go on YouTube and check them out I do like little vlogs um and I have like a makeup video from a year ago when I was brunette there's like three brunette videos brunette videos which is kind of fun um I feel like since my hair is growing back right now my roots um I have no plans by the way on getting my roots done anytime soon I haven't made any appointments I neglect it until like three months past due um because I'm not styling my hair right now I'm not

see, like, I just don't care. It's kind of cool. It's, like, half yellow or half blonde, I mean, and half brunette. What the hell am I talking about? Where did I, oh, influencer bait. Oh, I was talking about lighting because of the fires. Yeah, it kind of pissed me off yesterday. It was, like, dark all day. Like, I don't want this. I want, you know, that September sun in Southern California and I just, you know, I'm just being a spoiled little brat about it. Um, okay. So let's talk about my day. Obviously I went to the gym again. I deadlifted, which was fun. Um, I deadlifted. What else did I do? Mostly deadlift. I like did a heavy deadlifting day, which is, it felt so good. oh and this is my conundrum I love that word conundrum I my airpods are on their last legs

they say they're fully charged but then I go to put them in and they're like you know how it does a noise when it's dead it's like you put them in your ear and it's that it's like it's the most depressing sound when you don't have a pair of back it's the most depressing sound when you don't have a pair of backup headphones with you when you put in your airpods and it goes no no no no and it's like I'm dead and so I was confused because they said they were fully charged I had the green light and they weren't working and I didn't bring any of my backups so I went to the little store in my gym and bought some skull candy bluetooth headphones which were cool because they have the little I always think it's kind of like whenever I

I don't know why I think it's hot when guys have these headphones where the little bluetooth they're like wireless no they're not wireless because they have the wire but they're like they're not connected to your phone wireless but like they're um there's a little tiny strap that hangs down if you imagine a pair of sunglasses or like glasses people wear with a chain around them to keep them on their neck it's kind of like that vibe so anyways I got a pair of those and uh the lady convinced me I was like hey like do you think they're gonna be charged up already she's like yeah I've gotten a few pairs of these before they're usually like a little charged when you buy them so I was like okay whatever because I

did not I was not gonna fucking buy wired headphones like I I just think that is so retro 2015 and the only reason I keep a pair of well two reasons why I keep a pair of wired headphones with me one um because it's like the last resort backup if you're desperate when all your bluetooth headphones don't work and uh also I you know it was convenient when I started this podcast so I recorded my first episodes with the little microphone on them uh and if I ever want to make tiktoks where it's like a trend to hold the little iphone headphones and record yourself so I would use it for that and then the other reason this is like the most important reason because I totally like get in phases of this the most important reason I keep wired headphones

is whenever I get paranoid that bluetooth is frying my brain and I'll think about it and I'll get in my head about it and then I'll be like only using my wired headphones for a whole month or whatever and yeah so they're just always there um what am I talking about so I was at the gym it started off rocky I had a great morning I went to my local coffee shop like I I the best discovery about where I live is the fact that I can walk to a coffee shop in 30 seconds and it's great coffee like they roast their own beans or whatever and it's it's so good it's so like it's there's a difference if you've ever worked in a coffee shop if you are a coffee snob like myself, um, there's a difference. And so, yeah, I've got one of those awesome little hole in the

wall coffee shops really close to me. So great morning. I went there and it got all lit up with my, um, my cold brew. I just got a basic cold brew and I went to the gym. It was vibing to a podcast. Is there listening to the lady gang podcast, which I haven't listened to them in a while. They're like, I feel like they're a bunch of women in their mid thirties. There's like three of them from, I think they all live in LA. Just talk about like girly shit, like doing Pilates and like, I don't know, like the shit they're dealing with their husbands and stuff. I don't know. It's just entertainment for me. It was, it was nice. Uh, it feels like I'm hanging out with the girls when I listened to the lady gang, shout out lady gang. Um, but so yeah, I was listening,

listening to that, struggling the whole way to decide if I was looking at smoke or fog or it almost looked like it was going to rain. So that was tripping me out the whole time. I definitely was swerving on the freeway a little bit, getting distracted. Yeah. So great time. And then I get to the gym, my headphones are dead. So I buy the new ones and I'm like, what the fuck? So I ended up buying those skull candy wireless ones and then I had to uh they had to go fucking charge them I immediately I took them out of the box in front of her and I looked at them I was like oh looks like I'm gonna have to do a little charge job that's what I said to her I'm like I'm gonna have to go do a little charge job in my car for 10 minutes and she laughed and it's not a big deal

like I'm it was fine and I still had my cold brew I could finish so I sat in my car and finished that and charge my headphones and then I went to work did some deadlifts um great eye candy at the gym by the way I think the time I go is it's I'm I'm finding the time of day that's like one of the most attractive faces and bodies because there's a combination there between the two you know having the right facial features in combination with the bod I'm talking about like the tall boys with the see now you guys are gonna fucking hate me like if I talk about body types and things I'm into I don't know like I don't want to get too specific and annoy you guys if I don't know I don't I don't I I I heard this rant I don't know who had it about people that

have a type like fuck you if you have a type or something like that's just so shallow and whatever but I have a fucking type okay I'll admit it I have a type you look at all my exes there's there's a theme and I remember my friends in college would say like Jacqueline your type is just hot as fuck like unattainable and hot as fuck like that's what they say whatever um so yeah I was enjoying the icex at the gym having lots of it really putting myself out there because I used to be really shy about making eye contact eye contact with people the gym because I I like go and go in phases of it because I like I'm there to get shit done I don't want anyone to look at me if I'm wearing a hat and my big ass headphones around it like don't

fucking look at me or talk to me but today I was like you know I was in a happy mood and I'm like I just want to make friends with everyone here I just want to be like your bestie and then you're also hot maybe we can date eventually uh yeah that's how my brain works but to be honest like I don't like I said yesterday I'm just not in this I'm not in the zone with myself to be dating and like just and I don't I'm not there yet I'm still trying to like come out of a hole like okay here's a good sign if Jacqueline gets her hair done in the next two months like full blonde and if Jacqueline starts posting more provocative photos on Instagram that's a sign that maybe I'm I'm single and ready um that's so dumb but like yeah that's how my brain works the fact that I just

throw out first of all this is a good sign too this is how you know I don't give a fuck well first of all I didn't put any effort into my appearance today and I know that a lot of the males that may be interested in me are they're looking so you know the fact that I didn't put any effort into my appearance is a sign that she's not ready and then also um like the recent posts like the fucking selfie I took in my little headset I'm wearing like I look like shit and I hate how yellow it looks against the rest of my photos on Instagram like I don't like having a theme necessarily and I don't necessarily like having this like the the single filter I use on everything but I just don't like the lighting on it and it's a dog shit photo of myself like

I can lean towards looking very masculine very quickly when I just throw on a pair of sunglasses I had like my blue light blocker sunglasses on in the picture like like I don't know maybe I have like I feel like I have an androgynous face is that a word is that when like a guy has like he pulls feminine or like when a woman pulls masculine whatever I'd be a hot man I think I'd be a hotter boy than I am a girl I'm not even hot But, like, I'm saying, like, I would be, like, facially, I feel like if I shaved my head and, like, dressed like a boy, I could totally pull it off. And I could, that would be, like, a fun challenge. Like, see if any girls hit on me.

I don't know. Fuck. They already do that sometimes. I don't know what to do. It's not my, it's not my thing. I don't mind if you flirt with me and look at me, but just don't recruit me. i'm not trying to i'm not trying to get with the girls i'll be your friend i'll be your best friend um can i even talk about that like gay people lesbians i talked about gender earlier i mentioned

something about that i get nervous like there needs to be a fucking textbook created about how to speak in a way that doesn't offend anyone and i don't think that exists that would be so funny holy shit there should be it would be complete sarcasm and bullshit but like there should be a how-to guide on what words to avoid saying how to say things appropriately and oh my god I feel like I just didn't grow up with that kind of like yeah the way things are now it's just like my brain can only handle so much like I feel here's my thing with that this is more of a heavy like thicker deeper topic but I just feel like people have good intentions it's not like I misgender you when I say something to offend you if I if I was to do that I don't I've never

actually had that experience but let's say that happens I didn't purposely do it to hurt you you know what I mean like I don't think people are out to get like to be mean and they just might mess up because we're all learning because it's this whole new it's whole this whole new world of all types of people and using different pronouns and everything I'm not used to it I didn't grow up with it I didn't learn that shit in school so yeah I'm just saying that actually might be helpful to have some sort of like course I can purchase. Now I'm sounding super like, oh my gosh, what's the word? Like super dismissive. No, that's not, I'm not dismissing this. Am I being offensive? Insensitive. Oh, I think that's the word I'm looking for.

I didn't mean to come across insensitive. Of course, I'm always trying to keep it fun, keep it happy keep it light um I don't know how to take any fucking thing seriously even if it comes down to that and that's why I'm probably gonna get canceled I don't think I'm there yet to get canceled like okay actually if I noticed some fault people I don't want to talk about what I posted on Instagram yesterday but I noticed like a little bit of an unfollowing because of it afterwards and I'm like interesting people I might rub them the wrong way but that's okay I'm trying to weed out weed out people um see I want to have friends that have opposing viewpoints as I do though like I think that's a healthy thing to have I don't always want people to

be around me that think I'm right and that like think I'm great and everything or the way I you know my thoughts and my perspectives are you know also theirs so you need people that keep you in check and you know what am I saying back to my sticky notes I'm looking myself in camera right now and I low-key am producing a double chin at this angle and I need to not do that um stream of consciousness this is 2020 i'm a millennial making a podcast in her kitchen with a shitty amazon headset she got for 20 she's still sweaty from her workout but she's excited to be a podcaster so she just started recording and she doesn't give a shit and uh this is a great day. Happy fucking Tuesday. So back to my sticky notes. Oh, how many minutes are we in? 30

minutes and I'm going to start talking about the heavy hitting topic. It's my observation about being an influencer. Okay. This is my observation. I, I feel like there's a formula in place that's easy to copy and do yourself. And I think it's easy to be an influencer. I just want to put this out there. I think with all of the people doing it and all the people you've watched through your teens and 20s or however old you are like you've had you've been influenced yourself then if you also become an influencer it's easy it's like everyone's doing it okay here's here's my train of thought about this I'm like you've got the material so I'm thinking of like okay if you were like I don't know a comic or whatever like your material material as an influencer is that product

you're plugging like you know the the makeup you get to play with and show people that's your material and then there's the script which is hi guys so today I want to show you this new lipstick it is so cute I'm so obsessed and it's from Too Faced and it's like the texture of this formula I just am so obsessed like there's a there's a fucking script out there enough people repeat the same shit that it's not that hard to come up with the material to come up with the um what to say so you have the material which is the product you're plugging as an influencer and then you have the fucking script and to me it comes across like it's just it's so like it's so over it's just we've beat the fucking horse to death with that and i'm just saying like that's a that's a pathway

that's a career I support you everyone's got to feed their family and pay their bills and I feel like it's a safe lane a lot of people run down because it's comfortable because it's like okay well no one's gonna make fun of me for this because everyone's doing it everyone talks this way everyone shows a product this way everyone you know everyone accepts this as a thing now because there's so many millions and trillions of people doing it. So my little thing I wanted to say about that is that I know I've had a personal interior, interior, internal, internal conflict. That's the word I'm looking for, internal conflict.

Word of the day is internal conflict. I've personally struggled with this because growing up into my adulthood, into now I'm mid-20s but I remember being like 18 and really giving a fuck about my social media and stuff like even though we were still using the the what filters like the lo-fi filters and the borders and um I still remember like wanting to appear online as an influencer type chick like I wanted to look like I cared about fashion and here's my uh you know here's my outfit and here's I'm tagging brands and I've done this forever I still sort of do it you know what I mean like I can't 100% say that I never do this anymore but

I'm saying that my headspace was so caught up or my um my thoughts about social media and like how I appeared were so wrapped up in looking like a fucking like blogger social media girl and I always like I think deep down I wanted to evolve over time and be that and so the last few years I've kind of been in this weird acceptance journey of like Jacqueline that's an act you don't feel natural even doing and the only reason you do it is because it's a safe formula it's like a formula you plug and play with and it it's accepted and it's a thing and you know like if you look hot in the picture if you like your outfit or whatever post it I'm not saying like you're doing that because you want to look like an like if you're out there listening

to this right now and you I'm not I don't want to like judge anyone for what they're posting on Instagram talking about myself and like my how I view what I've posted in the past and why I posted it was because I was trying to like I don't know like copy what bloggers did and stuff and I spent years trying to like curate a certain I don't know like vibe like if you went if you went to my Instagram like when I was 18 to 20 I think yeah that's like honestly, a little bit in college. I say mostly college. Really? Okay. This is the truth. Like until a couple of years ago, I stopped giving a fuck. And that's when I really just started like posting, especially on my stories, like off the wall shit and just saying it like it is.

Um, and recently of course, like I just talked to my, just talk to my boss about this. Like I don't get, he was basically, basically saying he, um, it was very flattering. I was like the internet loves you and I was like holy shit like I've never had a compliment so like I don't I don't know how to feel about that but he's like you just don't give a fuck and your your weirdness is your strength and you're funny and so I've been in this weird journey of acceptance of that instead of trying to go against the grain with myself and be this try to look like a blogger like okay for a while so here's the thing I wanted to be like I go into my, my head and I'm, and I'm like, okay, Jacqueline. So I used to want to look like a

island goddess in Hawaii. Who's like tan on the beach in a bikini. Like that is her Instagram aesthetic. She's, you know, tons of beach pics, always tan. Like that was, and I wanted like so many pictures of an Acai Ebel, Acai Ebel on there and surfboards and shit. And I used to like, that's the aesthetic I thought I wanted and then let's see I also wanted what other aesthetics like oh no it's my oh my gosh there's my storage full come on okay my video just froze we're coming back we're coming back home we're okay I've got a great laptop this is a macbook pro uh I feel like it's a a black hole full of storage is that even a thing like I don't mean a black hole but like a it's got a lot it's got a lot of um brain space I can't talk I can't talk I can't talk straight

I need some water I was gonna okay while I'm drinking water I'm gonna think about the different Instagram aesthetics that I I used to want to look like and shit okay hold on the video podcast is getting a good water drinking shot right now are you jealous go to my YouTube and subscribe so you can see my video podcast okay so yeah like I want to be like an island beach girl at one point I think um like super tan and like hope like if you go to like a Hawaii um bikini blogger like I kind of wanted to do that for a long time and wow I'm really exposing my troops this is what happens but yeah um that never happened I didn't move to Hawaii obviously that wasn't my plan but I thought okay I did think

like oh when I come to San Diego like I'm gonna be that chick on the beach with all the bikini pics all the time like that'll be me I'll have like photographers like there's a I'm sorry if you're listening to this right now I know I haven't responded to you but there's a photographer that keeps bugging me about shooting and I'm like I get I freeze I'm like I don't I don't I just for the longest time I thought like that's what I wanted to do and then I like just it feels like I'm doing it just to look a certain way on Instagram this is what I want to do what I'm doing right now I'm just talking to a audience of people that I don't really know well most of you guys are strangers but I think that this is this is what I actually want to do and this is how I

want to come across on the internet and excuse me back to what I was saying about influencers and how there's a formula and a script and the material's already there because like it doesn't take a lot of creativity to plug a product really I mean there's a lot of ways people do it and I can't say that I'm discrediting like so many talented people out there like influencers are talented as fuck like they a lot I'm I do want to put this out there that I respect the fuck out of influencer hustle like I know how long it takes to edit a video and take it from an hour down to five minutes like I know what that process is I know what it's like to keep up an appearance for a lot like you have to always like look good or whatever and stay a certain way um for like a

like a brand or whatever like I know what it's like to like always think about making content always like in that grind I used to work for a company that's all I did for them is I I was social media like video editor person and podcast too like everything photos graphic design like like 24 7 it's like make content content equals sales content equals money so don't want to discredit the influencer hustle I think it's amazing I think it's changed so many people's lives and I think it's a really good fit for people like myself who are like holy fuck I don't think I could do like I don't know I don't want to say this because I do have like a normal job like I don't mean that I don't have I don't want to do a normal job but I think it's good for people

that are creative and need to get because you can still have you can still hold down a job like a nine-to-five type job and be an influencer I'm not saying that's not like it's a good for people that have that or don't, but that they need to get their creativity and self-expression out somehow through being an influencer. So that's cool. I support it. I think it's awesome. All I'm saying and kind of generalizing here, but I think it's less done and less done. I think it's more rare to see people just shooting the shit, not making what they do about selling you anything or like making you jealous because they're I'm just like they're so hot and they're like making everyone hate themselves because they don't look like that on Instagram

or whatever like that's that's rude but I mean like people that are unfiltered and just like show up online completely raw like they're just here to set the vibes and have fun and chill and be themselves and they're not they're not nothing about what they do is curated or edited or like aesthetically pleasing I am talking about myself right now a little bit I don't I'm just like peppering this vibe into my or I'm peppering this way of being online into my content slowly but surely because this is the this is the path and the journey that I want to take from this point forward I'm done and ready to bury the the desire to be a blogger chick and a typical influencer on Instagram and care about taking photos all the time and doing that

thing that I felt like I was like I thought I was gonna do some people might enjoy that but I just have learned in the last couple years that I don't actually like it it feels like it doesn't feel like authentically me it feels like I'm like doing something because other people do it too and like it's a thing it's like putting on a little costume and going out in the world or something like I just want to be I just want to set the vibes for the internet I I want to be the influencer like if you throw me into that category whatever I just want to be like a vibe stir like a fucking raw vibe stir like set the make people this is the thing I want to make people that are stressed out because they're an influencer maybe they're

just like fuck I don't like know if I can keep up this act any longer or keep up this appearance any longer like I'm just fucking burnt out fuck it's 2020 it's been a rough year but I keep trying to look keep trying to uh I keep I keep trying I'm tripping on my fucking words right now I'm trying as hard as I can to keep up my appearance and keep things smiley for the gram and keep the positive vibes and talk about you know like I feel like they all pepper in a day or two where they're like I'm just really stressed out today I'm really having a hard day mental health wise I'm really depressed but they're like that 90% of the time even though 90% of the content content they put out is like normal smiling happy what am I saying um I want to be

the person I want to be the influencer for those influencers oh my god did I just unpack something did I just discover something about myself I want to influence influencers I want to influence influencers I want to basically invite you into my apartment take a seat let's have a chat about just let your first of all like take out your bun with me let your hair down you know take off your bra if you're a girl if you're a guy um we're just gonna leave all the clothing on okay um but just letting those people like go fuck i feel so much more relaxed in your presence being around you like that's what i want to do for people i think more people need that um maybe i'm just assuming I am assuming self-aware that I'm assuming I'm here to I'm here to uh

let like if you like think that I agree with you um but I do think there's a population of people out there that they just they need to I feel like there needs to be more people spearheading the way of just saying it like it is when I say earlier. I don't know. Maybe this is because I will say this. I'm going to put this out there. I'm going to just expose myself right now and put this out there. I think what's happened to me over my years, like the last five years, I think of my life right now is like this weird wash of time. In fact, my brother and I were talking about this on the phone the other night my sleep is still fucked up from that staying up till two I think it was um but I feel like the combination of people I follow and the people I've listened

to through podcasts over the years have all kind of whittled down to one category and that category happens to be da da da everyone ready drum roll please the category of people that have inspired me and and kind of turned me out to be this way a little bit more than ever now are comedians comedians i'm talking about stand-ups i'm talking about the comedians you see on netflix i'm talking about the comedians you see on the gram on twitter they've kind of done that they've influenced me they've influenced me to do this, and meaning, like, I used to, like, literally, literally, I remember before, like, even back when I started out making YouTube videos again, I felt myself, like, I caught myself talking a certain way, and, like, kind of

propping my episode propping myself up a certain way while I was doing a Zara haul like an Amazon haul like when I watch I actually watched part of my YouTube video the other day and I'm like dude you've changed so much this year like shit girl that wasn't even you and that was in fucking May like I felt I felt inclined to kind of put on a little act and and not even an act I mean I was being my like to be honest like that's that's a it's kind of an exaggeration but I didn't even like the fact I was doing a fucking Zara haul when I looked back at the video I'm like Jacqueline you just you're doing something that's enough people are doing it stop adding to the pile what you should be doing is throwing on a ridiculous headset podcast microphone like I

just imagine a call center full of people wearing this and I get to be one of them on my podcast but this is what I should be doing so 2020 has basically cornered me back against a wall and said Jacqueline just be a fucking podcaster like just talk it out influence people with your voice and stop trying to curate a blogger youtuber appearance on social media that's exhausting because it doesn't feel authentically you like I can vlog like I will say I'm totally shitting on myself my vlogs are super like the ones I put out those are me like that's I'm not being fake at all and I'm like that's uh like I was doing day-by-day stuff like what I was up to like I felt like I was you know like I am now just fucking whatever like I'm gonna drink more coffee I feel like

it's wearing off what time is it it's 12 13 still haven't eaten third day in a row of podcasting too excited to podcast guess what she does she over caffeinates she under feeds herself it's okay because what I mentioned on the first podcast I'm trying to lose 20 pounds that I gained for the last year and um the intermittent fasting thing when you like don't eat breakfast and you whatever like fat do a faster workout it works for me and I don't know like I'll get hungry after this and I'll be fine and I'll eat like a nice nutritious nutritious meal but I'm not tripping but I do feel like uh I'm starting to get a little crazy sometimes um when I don't eat before podcasting and now I need water we're doing a little like this is the seventh inning stretch

if you're listening all rise take a take a reach up to the sky and take a reach down to your toes do a little side twist side to side take your partner next to you find a partner and slap them on the ass okay we're not gonna go there sometimes I need a little break in the podcast I will say um because yeah I didn't eat obviously but I also feel like at some point I feel like I need to summarize what I talked about over the whole podcast to keep you guys like a teacher like class today we learned and like list it off because to me when I don't listen to the podcast after recording I think I listen to one of them but to me when I'm done with this I'm like I think I just like I I feel like it's this tan it's unending tangents and random thoughts

that no one is gonna comprehend and I'm sorry I actually should listen I think I might listen to the today's just to like I should I feel like when I'm starting a podcast it'd be good to learn and grow from my mistakes because yeah again I feel like um I get so discombobulated with my personal like my conversations with myself okay back to my sticky note talked about, um, yeah, the influencer thing, like, I just think, yeah, the comedians have inspired me to, like, yeah, just give no fucks about, it's not like giving no, I think that's stupid, because everyone, here's the thing, when people say, I don't care what people think about me like there's a piece of you inside somewhere that cares it's impossible I think that's

impossible I think it's a good thing to have a little piece of you that cares because it keeps you and having like I think there's positives and having a little anxiety and a little bit of like stress because that's good to you'll I think it helps you like this is like talked about in psychology and stuff but um anyways I don't if you don't care at all like if you're like I don't care what people think about me and I'm 100% secure you're lying to yourself like that's just a lie um but I will say that I'm like 99% compared to what I used to be like 99% comfortable in my own skin and I I think that part of me this is what I'll say the part of me that cares what people think about me is the fact that I don't want to be I I care now more that people look at

my Instagram or my social media because let's be honest like people know you because of social media now it's just what it is even your best friends like everyone knows you by what you post and it's like the conversation a lot of the times revolves around social media that's what people talk about and that's how people get to know you most of the time um like I feel like my family gets to know because I don't live by them or I don't live in Washington anymore but I feel like they know me so well like as I've grown up away from them because I've always kept it real and posted on social media so my thing now is I just don't want people to I want people like I'm I'm curating this because I want people to think oh Jacqueline she's the

girl who uh just says it like it is and she has a podcast and I don't know she's entertaining and and funny and not a lot of people do like fucking content like her and I like following her or something like I just um that's what I want like that's what I want people to think about me I don't know why in the past like I wanted to look like a fucking like Parisian blogger girl or something with like a perfect aesthetic and like a fucking theme like I used to want to do that and fuck I'm those days are gone now I'm inspired though I am inspired because I'm inspired my I'm inspired by myself for following through with this and sticking to it for a week like I'm proud of that I think I've done a podcast five days in a row now um and yeah just for sharing

my truths and being like unedited about anything and being like did I tell you guys earlier I took my pants off when I walked in the door and took it like I came from the gym I think I said this yesterday too I'm disgusting that's all I'm gonna say is like I haven't showered yet just super hard workout haven't showered uh yeah I think I said that earlier but yeah I just walked in the door took my pants off and sat down, um, to do this and do my meeting. Um, I, what time is it? Oh, 53 minutes. I didn't even know yesterday I ended the podcast. I couldn't see the time. I wasn't paying attention to it. I feel like on garage band, you can't even see like whatever setting I have. Like, I don't even know how long the podcast is and I don't keep track of time,

but yesterday ended at like almost exactly an hour. And I was like, that's perfect. I feel like an hour podcast is it's money and today I'm proud of myself because I'm not yesterday I started talking about nonsense in the last 15 minutes like I literally got up and started walking around my apartment got on my ottoman and just started doing like circles in my living room walking around talking about just I was literally telling the podcast yesterday I was like I'm looking for stuff in my surroundings to talk about to be interesting to try to entertain you right now because I don't know what else to talk about and that is that is when I should have ended the podcast like I should not have kept going and trying to make up material um but yeah I want to go back to my uh notes here

I pretty much covered everything um oh yeah I'm looking at my planner gotta do laundry today it says because we need to do laundry I am feeling a little hungry in my tummy I am i have a i have a person outside i can watch right now that i can i love people watching and telling you guys who i'm looking at he went fast he's like his hair was down to his shoulders curly hat on uh high water pants he had like a flannel-y shirt on definitely like uh alt hipster type guy is that a thing what is alt is that alternative i keep seeing on tiktok there's like alt tiktok i don't know what alt is i feel like i will say this this is probably going to be the last train of thought before i end this because i

want to keep it an hour for you guys and keep a consistent theme there um i feel like i'm at the point of like age in life where i'm starting to not understand the lingo of the younger generation below me like gen z is a is a whole new dictionary dictionary i gotta learn a whole new set of words and phrases like i i mean i pick up on it like I kind of get what it means but I'm at the point now where my mid-20s I'm like okay I can't I don't like these kids are especially I'm talking about TikTok like what I see on TikTok I'm like what the fuck I'm old especially like oh yeah here's what I know this is messed up I'm at the age now where I'm kind of like jealous not jealous but like yeah okay I'll be honest I'm

like jealous of younger um gen z kids oh my phone just dinged linkedin you have one new message one invitation and 50 notifications that's cool um i love how gary v this my here i am getting sidetracked again gary v i love how he always talks about how linkedin is going to be the next big thing he's like yeah linkedin linkedin linkedin and i've always been confused by that like what do you think people are gonna like influencers are gonna pop off on linkedin i don't know what he means um yeah i'm kind of jealous of what i was saying about younger kids like oh like fuck like i want to go back to that that age like those like 18 19 20 21 22 when i was in college just

the thing is this is what i wish this is what i'm jealous of i wish i would have been able to now that I'm on the other side and my older self I've kind of figured my shit out I wish I could take this version of my brain and my self-esteem and my like personality and everything and take that back to that age because those were the ages I was so in my head and so concerned about what people thought about me like and how I looked and what I talked about earlier basically thinking I wanted to be an influencer and feeling like I don't know that was a weird time but I'm just saying like I would it'd be fun I wasn't always like that I will say like I had I just I I'd say the overall theme was like I worried about a lot of stuff that wasn't important

and um yeah I definitely missed the college parties and college days and that was a fun time that is so forever gone and dead it's so weird to look back it's so weird to look back like five years ago it's like a whole different lifetime and childhood fucking childhood is done childhood is such a pastime I have a very vivid memory of my childhood I don't know why I think I'm just a very visual like person in general like my I've I don't know what it is I don't know if it's these um the meds I'm on now or whatever the antidepressant I just started taking but I have the most vivid memory and dreams this has actually been going on I don't think it's meds because this has been going on for the last year it's like ever since am I dragging this shit

on 59 minutes sorry I'm gonna this will be the last topic and I will commit on my honor on my honor, I will try. I will try to serve. What is that Girl Scout thing? On my honor, I will try to serve God in my country and tell the truth at all times. I don't know what it is. I used to be a Girl Scout. I will finish this after this train of thought. But it's weird. Like, after I quit my job last year with MoveU, and so that was in June, I remember that was when I was like, I don't know who I am identity crisis like I felt so small like a speck of fucking dust like completely just stripped my soul was fucking stripped at that point and I um I remember it was weird like as the summer went on so in July August September I recall and I and I know this because like I'm

showing the audience right now my fucking journals okay I write a lot these are my journals for those on the video podcast I look you know if I look back at that time when I was writing um I documented this about my dreams because I kept dreaming about super specific family and childhood memories and friend memories and I have the it's so weird and this is why I'm like oh my god is this a fucking simulation what's going on like I don't know whenever I dream lately it's so crystal clear to the point where I'm, like, I remember rooms, I remember decor, I remember, um, like, smells weirdly in my dreams, like, for, for whatever reason lately, um, and over the last year, I'm, like, back on the camping trip with my family, um,

what's the weekend we'd always go? Memorial Day weekend, or I'm, um, on a boat with my grandpa, and I remember like like the specific fish I would get and like reel in and like scoop up with the the net and like I can get myself back to these like these memories and and it's so clear and it's so it's so fun like sometimes like I get excited to go to sleep sometimes because I'm like okay I'm gonna walk around my high school tonight and I'm gonna remember like the classrooms and what they look like and then my teacher and their tattoos they had my one teacher mrs she's my freshman year teacher mrs hag was a hag no i don't she was my basketball coach as a freshman too but she had a tattoo of number four on her hand because she loved brett farve and her

entire classroom was decorated with brett farve merch and posters but like i'll remember what's I don't remember her name I should remember it um but yeah like I'll go around and I'll walk through my high school and I'll know like I just like right now I just thought of the planetarium sitting in the fucking planetarium like I know exactly what that looks like right now just thinking about it like the smell like it's weird this is what's freaking me out so why don't you even talk I don't know why I started talking about this but um I will end here vivid dreams oh I was kind of just talking about how like looking back is weird it's like another lifetime and childhood is so in the past but I still

remember it all and I don't know does anyone else go through this with dreaming and stuff like it's wild there was a time there where I smoked a lot smoking a lot of weed and um when I whenever I and not anymore like I just don't but um when I had that phase I remember when I stopped for whatever reason like I just grew out of the grew out of it um that's when my dreams went off because when you smoke like you don't I don't remember dreaming for the longest time because when you smoke I feel like you don't dream I think that's a thing I don't know like I don't know much about about weed and stuff but um I think I've heard a lot of people say they don't really dream when they smoke um but yeah that was weird like that happened too with my

dreams getting crazy I had sleep paralysis two times and that was like three years ago that's a whole nother I could do a video on that or a podcast on that sleep paralysis is it's basically like when you wake up but you can't move and it's like I tell myself I get to the point where I'll be like Jacqueline life or death you have to move your arm and I'm like in my bed just so frozen and I'm awake and I'm looking I'm like like I just showed the video like I just like heave my arm and I usually like end up rolling over but it takes all of your like every ounce of energy in your being mental physical like emotional whatever like to move your body when you have sleep paralysis um so yeah here I am talking about nothing

again like yesterday but um have a great Tuesday I hope you're happy and fulfilled I say that in every podcast is that gonna be my thing I just really that means a lot to me because I think I think that's what everyone's striving for I think when you're fulfilled you're happy and happiness is the real success that's the whole loop to me because if you if you wake up every day and you're not you don't like what you do for work your relationships suck you're like not very motivated to you're like you don't really have hobbies you're not excited to do anything that's not a very fulfilling existence and you're probably not gonna be very happy so that's why I think when you're fulfilled in those areas when you love what you do for example

Jacqueline loves to podcast she's getting really fucking excited it's 12 30 Jacqueline's probably gonna go ahead and upload this she's not even gonna eat because she's so excited to be a podcaster and she's so fulfilled by this that's what I'm talking about that's what I'm talking about so when you like wake up and like what you do you have good relationships with your family and friends and you have activities things to do that fill you up and make your soul happy then you're happy and then you're and that to me is the true measure of success because I don't care what your title is I don't care if you're the janitor or the CEO there's I know it's cliche but there's probably a lot of happy janitors out there and a lot of

miserable CEOs so stay woke fam keep your little fulfillment bucket full keep a check in when you check in with yourself about that you know what I mean like I think a lot of time can go by and you'll be like what the fuck why am I miserable and then it's like if you just whipped out a little journal I swear by it do a little journaling in the morning get stuff out of your mind that's been weighing you down check into yourself guys you'll um you'll unpack things you'll be able to connect the dots easier if you get it out into the universe and manifest that shit okay i'm just like really talking in circles now nowhere the energy is wearing off i have about one inch of iced coffee left which means this shit is an iced coffee this

one inch left i'm looking at on the video right now hi video shout out to my youtube subscribers subscribe um the one inch left on my uh iced coffee is actually melted ice so this is uh watered down it's gonna taste like shit i'm gonna drink it anyways in fact i'm gonna chug this for the end of the podcast um no you know what yeah I'm gonna do it that felt like a lot of pressure because I knew dead air was gonna happen and then you guys would be like bored except for the people watching the video because they just saw me chug it um why am I touching my nose oh my gosh do not touch your face it's 2020 don't touch your face coronavirus okay coffee was okay this is okay because this is from a quality coffee shop that um it's even when it's watered down and lukewarm

it's still still beautiful when you drink it all right guys have a happy Tuesday talk to you tomorrow, thank you for listening, watching, hope you're happy and fulfilled, should have ended this eight minutes ago, it's now a minute, or an hour eight, but you live and learn, have a great Tuesday, okay, I don't know how to end this, this is awkward, but what should I make for lunch, I'm just kidding, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna get distracted, I'm not gonna talk about a new topic, okay, bye, love you.