The Jacqueline Monroe Show - 64- Tinder and Yoga

Episode Date: November 7, 2020

Happy Friday!! :) Patreon.com/TJMS https://soundcloud.com/robmonmusic

Happy Friday, guys. It's episode 64. Welcome back to the show. Hello everyone, what's up? Welcome back to the show it's uh it's America's Sweetheart okay it's Jacqueline I'm back I'm here seven days a week if you're new I do this every day I'm back to talk shit tell you what I'm thinking bitch about the news bitch about the election feeling negative I think the whole world is right now and I'm not I'm not going to try to give you guys some motivational inspirational positive fluffy stuff right now because look I got an anxiety attack when I woke up this morning like I'm

gonna miss the announcement that the neck of the next president I keep thinking if I don't watch the news 24 7 I'm gonna miss it like there's gonna be some grandiose like it's officially announced and anyways I woke up and I was I didn't drink water I didn't uh guys go ahead and subscribe and leave a review on the podcast please I gotta get that out of the way I'm gonna totally forget to plug my shit patreon.com slash tjms if you want to support the show become a patron, get a shout out, look at my exclusive content. Okay. Anyways, but I spent the first hour of my day retainer in no water, no coffee. I was standing next to my TV, just like participating in the conversation with CNN and watching it. And I was just like, whoa,

I really zoned into what they were saying. And I haven't watched the news. Like I don't watch it until pretty much this election and I was not liking what I was seeing I was not liking what I was seeing and uh I just don't understand why they've got uh the other the other bitches in their mouth why are they talking about Fox News misleading the American people like that is so annoying I feel like I don't want to talk about you know I hate CNN I like Fox none of that because like I don't I'm not one or the other I'm not I'm you guys know this I'm not um politically like savvy I don't know shit I'm like I'm in my 20s I'm still learning about everything and um but I don't I don't really watch the news but I don't understand why that's like they just

it's it's partisan now everything's fucking like that's how they make their money they got to have a bad guy and today this morning they turned I turned on the news and Fox News was the bad guy and CNN that's uh you know saying the wrong thing doing the wrong thing misleading the public you know and it's just like I don't I think we need to pay attention to that and worry about that and try to like reform that I mean the news should be on the same page we're having an election it shouldn't be one saying one thing and the other saying the other thing I know this is a broken record but I noticed it literally I woke up this morning I was so jaw-dropped like what the fuck this morning I didn't take my retainer out I didn't even drink water for an entire hour and

honestly I had a shitty day I had a shitty fucking day okay I don't know what came over me but who wants to listen to this right now I'm being so negative first of all guys I hope you're doing well um this has been a weird week I just feel like we need to let time play out and let this all unfold and see what happens that's why I've turned the news off for the day I'm not like worried about anything anymore but pretty much the whole week I've been on my couch parked staring at the fucking tv and I don't know like today I woke up and I just had that anxiety and just watching watching it and then I'm like Jacqueline you haven't done your dishes all week you haven't like taken care of anything around you you're just like a zombie

literally I feel like a piece of shit this week I've been slacking okay uh because again I'm doing this at night this is my another sexy time another nighttime episode I don't know today was weird man okay I woke up and uh had every intention to go to the gym to like you know be productive do all my shit and didn't happen but I'm proud of myself I have to toot my own horn right now I did yoga probably in total for three hours today if I broke it all up like I did this this morning I actually did an entire like yoga class for an hour I do everything through YouTube because there's some great power yoga flows on there so I did that and then I was watching a podcast of course I was I was watching um Chito Santino Andrew Santino's Santino's podcast I was watching

his podcast, and I was doing yoga while I was watching that, and then before dinner, I started doing more yoga, so, like, all together, I probably did three hours today, and guys, guys, the addiction is real, I know I said this earlier this week, that I was going to get addicted to yoga again, but it's real, it's here, okay, I don't know if I'm going to deadlift ever again after this week, it's just, like, my vibe, I love being flexible, I like pushing myself, I like the, the challenge of, like I don't know like holding postures and just standing and it's so boring but also afterwards you're just like this is the most amazing feeling ever you like never feel better than after a really intense power yoga class and damn um so anyways did that I took a nap I tried to do I

was like I'm gonna be a boss babe again and do like because I've been working hard all week but today just I slacked off so bad I woke up I like worked this morning while I was watching the news and then I just like had zero motivation to do anything and I just like fucking took a nap and yeah so I know you guys are out there like fuck you Jacqueline you did three hours of yoga you're like productive you're moving your body I did get my dishes done I have to say while I was uh I was like multitasking cooking dinner and doing dishes so I felt like oh and then I made this like 15 page list of my goals this weekend to like I have to go to the furniture store I have to go thrift shopping because I really want to I still need to go to the beach still haven't done

that this week because guys I do my goals on Monday I say hey I want to do this this week and boom I accomplished my yoga every day did that like I don't even remember what the other goals were I don't think I've done them yet thrift store beach run uh fuck I don't know go to bed early probably you guys I have to be honest with you right now I feel like this podcast is slipping it's sliding I shouldn't say this as a trued businesswoman podcast host I shouldn't talk about the uh lack of content happening or brain cells firing lately I apologize I know interviews are coming I'm going home for an entire month it's going to be lit um but life has been kind I've been in this weird like trance lately I don't fucking know how to explain it I think

what it is I think what it is is the darkness is happening earlier I'm anticipating going home I don't know like what else it is there's like an election happening that's like dramatic and I don't know I don't really have a lot going on in my life right now other than like my job my podcast and like should I admit this should I admit this guys I haven't gone outside oh fuck am I gonna do this right now yeah I haven't been outside in a couple days okay like did not go to the gym I told you that but like I've been indoors for multiple days and whatever so look I'm glad I'm doing yoga because if we get fucking locked down again I'll be able to do a flow and feel like I'm working out and moving my body and I'll have a routine down that doesn't require me to go

outside but if we fucking get locked down again I'm gonna lose my shit I'm gonna lose my shit I know it already sounds like I'm going crazy uh but just get ready for the lockdown round two podcast because holy shit um I thought of a couple ideas for segments today let's do I should I should have announced this in the beginning uh so everyone knew knew what they are getting into but I was thinking about talking about tinder bios because I was on tinder tonight just like mindlessly tapping around I don't know and I have that as an idea and then also my writing prompts because I honestly think this book is the best thing ever for a podcast host if if I'm like I don't know what to talk about so it has 500 writing prompts and I've done this before we'll

answer some of the questions so I think you guys want to know tinder bio opinions right now so let's do this. Um, I was thinking I should go to the guys I matched with and here's, I have a theory. Okay. I have a theory and this goes for a lot of things in life, but I believe like on, on dating apps on every, like less is more. Okay. It is such a turnoff when I get a laundry list of all these, like, I should just read some examples. I don't like a laundry list. I don't like details about your dog and what your if you prefer pizza over tacos like I just don't care in fact I realized like the guys I match with literally don't have a bio and there's something hot about that so don't do a bio honestly just like make a be mysterious I know this is what

I'm struggling with I feel like I give it all away on my podcast and I tell you guys everything but I'm like, how am I going to maintain my mystery online if I'm like barfing every detail out every day? Um, but there's a lot you guys don't know about me. So that's cool. I mean, for the most part, like you guys are getting to know me like a BFF, like a friend that's just, you're friend zoned. Okay. I've already told you that if you're listening to this podcast, you're in the friend zone you're not getting Jacqueline like on a like my dream I know I'm gonna go back to the tinder bios and talk but and like rate them and shit but I just want to like meet someone who doesn't really know me from the internet and go from there that's my dream they have they've never

listened to the podcast you know like that's kind of where I'm at just like dream of like that happening I don't want them to know me online first and if they do because I feel like I've met people before I was thinking about this actually yesterday it was really in my feels I don't know what happened but I was like thinking about everyone I've met in the past but I was like there's something there like I could you know I'm still curious I still want to like maybe I could date you in the future like maybe we could try this and it's so weird because I'm in my mid-20s going like they say you've already met the person you're gonna marry and I'm like, well, who the fuck would it be? I don't, I don't really get like, that's kind of

nonsense if you think about it, but I don't know that I was like going back. I think that's why I was on Tinder. I was like, who have I matched with that? I've not, I haven't like, I don't know at the time I was excited about. And then guys, the first of all, I can't, I know Tinder. It's embarrassing. Like why am I, why am I on Tinder? Okay. I had hinge and they banned me. I, I did an appeal I got like five emails back we were going back and forth they will not let me back on hinge and I don't know why they say I violated like the conduct rules and the terms and I think what happened is I went on a date with several dates with a guy on there who and it blew up yeah like a terrible weird ending and like I feel like he went and reported me I don't know what

happened but like they will not let me back because that's a classy app to be on you know what I mean it's not the like tinder is just like it's dog shit and I have to sift through so much to find quality and I get my thumb hurts okay so anyways what was I saying yeah I mean I'm on the fence I'm like yeah maybe there's people in the past I've met who like know of me but like they see me online and then there's like people that have never met me that I'm like that's probably gonna happen because I get insecure about if people know too much about me first it's like I don't know anything about them because they're guys and they don't post a lot of shit on social media and then I'm like you're basically gonna know everything and then it's like not balanced

and it's weird I don't think that's normal that's why everyone here is in the friend zone you get where I'm going with that okay um yeah I'm looking at my matches like let me go to a couple um actually I don't necessarily like oh this one's this guy's got the oh my gosh not Larry the Cable Guy why can't I say the Tiger King guy's name those aren't even close to the same person wait what's the Larry the Cable Guy thing my sister used to always do impressions of him oh my fucking god I need her to do that what was his line the Shitter's Fold no that's uh that's Christmas Vacation what is Larry the Cable Guy's line i haven't i haven't thought of him in so long my sister would like go around the house and do

impressions you're the cable guy i'll read but i'll read tinder tinder bios just wait just wait okay um let me click something he had that like signature thing he always said get her done was it get her done i think it was get her done oh wait he was tomator in uh the the incredibles no and what's cars I need my sister do an impression of him when I interview her that was I forgot about that okay anyways um I'm looking at a guy's profile and I confused Larry the cable guy with uh Tiger King guy who I don't even remember I can't Carol Baskin what was the guy's name in it I don't want to google it whatever um or I'll read his message to me that booty looks delicious you want to come

quarantine with me this was in March uh yeah no reply let's see I want to go to my matches because this might give you guys some insight on like what I like oh man I don't like he probably change that. Six, four. Appreciate that. Uh, thanks for the transparency. Uh, oh fuck. Am I going to expose myself right now? Look, if someone has five, eight in their bio, I swipe left. Okay. I'm that bitch. I am that bitch. I know myself is that shallow maybe, but I'm five, six. Okay. I don't, I've been, so I've dated shorter guys. So I can, I can, why is that? I feel so bad saying that but you like what you like plenty of fish in the sea jacqueline has like all my exes are six four literally every one of my exes is six four to a t not six five not six three not six two six

four okay there's a pattern maybe i'll change it someday but fucking i don't know here's a nice message hey jacqueline we should meet up for drinks here soon all right uh he's like i like long romantic walks to the fridge this is so cliche i know my i know the best bottomless mimosas place in town couldn't care less about that i'm not i'm not a brunch bitch you will not see me on a sunday at a brunch spot in a floral dress with a hat on fuck that i don't do that okay i've never done that uh it's because i don't have friends to go do that with let's be honest but that doesn't actually like appeal to me like i think that's a sceny thing to do just like go to brunch with the girls and like take insta pics no thanks but with a with a guy I'd

love to go out to brunch like if it's a date different story but it's not my uh lifestyle it's not my lifestyle I'm not a brunch bitch uh oh he's just like doing the cliches best breakfast burrito place in the next for the next morning uh yes these dimples are real I'm more than a piece of meat say hi if you're looking for a good time p.s I love white claws okay well why did I why was I attracted to him first of all six four okay so um I don't know he had like funny pics okay should I just swipe and read and just like roast people yeah let's do it who pays for tinder oh my god do people like I don't get that I paid for hinge because it's like classy and it's like you actually put a lot on there that honestly it weeds people out because

you have to pay $10 a month. And so I found like really awesome dudes from it. I don't know. Cause I feel like on Tinder, it's just like anybody, the local homeless dude under the bridges on it. It's like, no offense, but it's, uh, Jesus, why did I say that? Regret. Okay. So we got jet skis, desert, Volkswagen vans, and French bulldogs. Hard pass. He looks fun though. I wish you guys could see this I wish I had this like on us like I could screen record it 35 French man in San Diego loves learning new things and the ocean no Trump supporters please hard pass fuck it this is gonna get buried episode 64 hey we're gonna hit 100 in December no one will be listening to this and if they are and they clip that

fuck it I don't care you know I was thinking about this people that allow themselves so a lot of people got canceled this year and I'm the type of person I know this I'm not gonna let people not liking what I say like if I ever like I'm just hypothetic hypothetic hypothesizing hypothesizing like how can people let the haters win where you get canceled and you just ghost on everyone I get it for certain situations depending on what you got canceled for but some for like nonsense nonsense stuff that people don't like that you said and did it's just like move on and live life how live life normally talk about the fact you made a mistake and don't go away because of it I'm never gonna do that okay if I ever get canceled for any

reason which I don't even like literally there's like no one listening at this point where I'm scared okay but I know hey in 10 years shit gets clipped and people pulled pulled it up from the past but I'm gonna move on business as usual you know business is always good I'm not gonna like I just think it's so stupid how people literally walk away from their careers because people on the internet cancel them like who gives a fuck that's their opinion they're easily offended they're like they go to the internet to do what they did to you dissect everything and like I just anyways again some shit is worthy of going away forever and going to jail like you know if you if need be but here we got somebody 30 in san diego let's have drinks and i'll make you breakfast

be warned i'm weird and 90 of what i say is just a joke boring see this is why i think it's hot when guys guys don't put anything like that's hot don't guys if you're out there i mean i can make this short and sweet for you i'm trying to give you some tinder bio or dating profile advice less is more be mysterious girls like that shit i don't need to know these and because it's gonna i i get turned off by guys with like they say too many details you use too many emojis i'm like i don't know okay i get i like i started like this looking for a soulmate but until then a whole mate he's being honest he's just looking for a hole all right

uh just some like paragraph about his career no thanks let me get something good for you guys okay appreciate where this boring podcast is going jacqueline what are you doing i like i like stuff and things oh and places too also that little guy is my nephew okay let me judge a book by its cover right now oh we like stuff and things this guy loves independent coffee shops and, uh, craft beer and, um, like van life shit. I can just tell just like when guys say I like stuff and things, that's just what it means. Okay. Uh, just did his height, DC, San Francisco, San Diego briefcase, guitar surfer. see I like that simple okay it's not taking it too seriously that's the thing you cannot

take tinder bios too seriously no bio here we got uh no bio first no bio of the night but let's look at the pics see the pics have to sell it if you don't have a bio so you better be hot sunset sitting in a restaurant selfie I mean they're cute pics do I want to know more not really um honestly because of his name I couldn't pronounce it like literally I'm like I'm gonna have to just call you K okay K your name is too long it's not a common name I don't know what country he's from but I'm gonna have to call you just K I'm not gonna try to say that every time I call your name do you guys think about this I got in my head one time so this is like this year I was dating someone and I was like thinking about the fact that I never like

call his name like when you're just hanging out and stuff it's not like you're someone goes Jacqueline come here like Jack like unless I'm in another room maybe but you're never just saying each other's name all the time just in a casual like I don't know that's weird um but they have have a never mind I won't go into that uh okay so we got bios here we got no bio again we got another no bio okay pics let's look selfie cute okay but you guys I shouldn't lie to you right now this guy's a fucking nerd it's not gonna happen sorry he's he looks like he's like I the pictures are he still lives with his mom okay he lives in his mom's house and he's 32 okay it says it and the entire camera roll of pics he unloaded on tinder where like mom cooked him

dinner he's at the dinner table his gaming setup looked like he was in his childhood bedroom still um hey no judgment it's just not not for me uh what do we got here no bio but let's like roast this okay we got we got a a song you got it roy robinson or roy orbin orbison okay he's into rock and roll a girl on a surfboard okay two bottles of wine let's judge him by his wine choice right now we got chianti quarter bourbon barrel what's this i don't know not intrigued by that uh another song that looked like a porn up screenshot what the fuck uh a dumb meme of like mulan from disney are you guys

liking this episode i'm a little nervous right now i'm like mindlessly reading tinder bios and judging people's profiles then he has a uh he took some branches off of a like a maple leaf tree he prematurely cut them it looks like he prematurely cut them so they would like get crunchy and then it would be a decoration or something I don't know then we have a sign that says polite as fuck okay and then his zodiac sign hard pass left he was an Aries no thanks um what's my track record with guys as far as zodiac signs go let me think what's january i forget what january is so i have usually it's january february november january february november

like it's may is it taurus aquarius what's january i don't know anything i and again i don't like i don't believe in like I mean not it's not that I don't believe in it I just don't like live my life according to zodiac signs and avoid people with certain signs like there's I think there's trends when I think about it like I'm a cancer I was born in July okay I'm a summer baby but my rising sign makes so much sense because I'm a rising Leo and everything about what I do is like I like I'm a homebody I like being my little like I like being nurturing and motherly and like I'm emotional and like in tune with my self that way and then I don't know what else is what

else is like a cancer quality like I don't know like don't fuck with me vibes uh feisty uh but then I'm like a rising Leo and I want to be like, Leos are usually, I don't know, like leaders and entertainers. They want to be seen. They want to be heard. They want to put on a show. Like those are usually the Leos. So I'm trying to figure out what January is. January Zodiac. I think it's, oh, Capricorn. So yeah, Capricorn, Aquarius. What is November? November I think it's Libra I think I'm good with Libras I'm just saying there's a pattern no Scorpio yeah I'm good okay Scorpios Aquarius Capricorn Taurus Jacqueline has a pattern with who knows who knows just

for your listener out there born in those times who knows who knows and it's like look they none of them worked out so maybe those aren't the signs for me um I'm kind of having fun I'm on tinder right now again um always do sober what you would you said you'd do drunk that'll teach you to keep your mouth shut let's get together and see what happens research research chemist oh god I wish you guys are with me right now and you guys could like look at the pictures with me I feel like such a bitch I can't I gotta pass not for me okay I like the buyout just not for me oh shit pictures make or break it man and I I have a I have a slim amount I have like what I post on Instagram like three covered like I'm not showing anything pics because it's I'm here

for window shopping like I don't have a tinder bio to like actually like go and meet up and like bang people like I don't use it how it's supposed to be used I use it for like boredom I'm just like who's in the neighborhood like who's around me and then every now and then you'll find like a gem a diamond in the rough and you know it's weird how there's a there's a there's somebody right now I feel like there is somebody who my best friend always would say uh former best friend because we've broken things off now but she always said they always come back around they always come back around like you'll break up with someone and it's like you know they'll come back they'll crawl back and I can say every single time that has happened to me every single time not once

not twice every single time it might be five years later but the guy will come back he'll slide in he'll say hi he'll ask how I'm doing every time even guys that I didn't date but like I like I like went out with a couple times or whatever yeah so I don't know our girl do I do that I do it for guys like not that my ex is like we are fine but like we don't well not all of them but I cut I cut and leave I don't try to crawl back and make it happen again no when it's done it's done I don't I don't do that so I don't think girls are I think guys are more like that than girls like round two oh and then I also have a pattern why am I talking about like dating and stuff today I don't know this isn't call her daddy I'm not trying to make a call her daddy but like

I'm always finding that like I'm the rebound chick like a guy will come he'll break up with his girlfriend like it usually is a long-term girlfriend and then he'll like date me and then go right back to her is that a red flag what does that mean oh shit let's do like two more bios then I'm gonna read out of my writing book this isn't the friendship app don't come on here to say i'm looking for friends you're not look that's how guys that's what i think some guys do to try to like they're like i'm gonna be your friend first we're gonna go on adventures let's go on hikes let's explore the city show me all the best spots let's be besties let's play beach volleyball

he's just trying to fuck but he doesn't want to say it i like guys that are honest they're like I'm here to fuck like let's cut to the chase I appreciate that I appreciate oh wait I've seen this guy before English Espanol Portuguese I took oh this is like sexy and he kind of has like um not Russell Brand fucking not no not Russell Brand Australian the fucking australian actor guy 300 you guys dm me what's his name you know uh walter cronkite no okay i love that when i try to polish pull a name out of my hat like what did i say earlier it's the tiger king guy clearly and i'm like larry the cable guy then i was like no i'm like eddie from christmas vacation absolutely not this is tiger king from the netflix series they're not even

close to be related. 300 actor. What is his name? I'm going to come up with it. I'm going to come up with it. Gerard Butler. So this guy, I'm looking at has Gerard, Gerard Butler vibes. Uh, let me look at more pics. Oh, jujitsu. Like that. Biggie. Like he's got a biggie pic. Him hanging upside down on the fucking door with his feet over it. Okay. He looks very flexible that's kind of hot he's got he's he did a abs pick in the uh in the bathroom with his beer just right on the counter he's ready to party all right we got a he's in a oh you know i think he's a gymnast well he does jiu-jitsu but like here he's in a gymnastic stadium i took the light absolutely i i don't think english is his first language i took the light

absolutely forever to get to your eyes. Should I see if it's a match? Fuck it. It's a match. It's a match. James likes you. Okay. I think I said two more. I think I have to do wait one more now. Wait, was that someone from my high school? Wait, whoa. Should I just make this episode called, I'll just title this Tinder bios and I could do this forever. I don't want to read writing prompts. Like what's a dumb question is going to ask me? Like, what do you always have an excuse for? Who is the biggest influence in your life right now? Joe Biden. There, there's your answer. He's a comeback kid or whatever the fuck. No, he's not. uh bios tender bios

okay little italy which is the location i live in totally i mean there's a lot of people to live here but i probably shouldn't i live in san diego there's a city there's a location like a pocket of san diego where i live he lives in the same place so little little italy no ex-wife no kids job car dog Instagram handle wishing well juice world is a song just to to the point but is he hot is he am I attracted to see it's hard I just like I judge a book by its cover so hard I'm like I have to like looking at you okay it's very important that I like looking at you. Okay. And if I don't, I just, there's no amount of personality that's going to win me over. Okay. I hate to admit that, but like, I think we're

all like that. If you don't think someone's attractive, you don't think they're attractive. It's not personal. It's just like fucking biology, man. Oh, this guy looks fun. binging shows finding good food and great times with friends is what it's all about gamer, streamer, meme lord and tech geek karaoke and music is life

almost all genres no pick one no he doesn't listen to kpop he doesn't listen to fucking Beethoven shit I like when people are specific I like when people have solid opinions and they're specific and I don't like when people are like

I like everything I like all genres of music you want to know what Jacqueline's genres are right now rap and country that's it that's it that's how that's easy right did everyone get that for the people in the back I like rap and country that's it jazz I'll go and like I appreciate jazz music I'm not like a fan of it like I don't just like think about it all the time and play it jazz and country that's or no fucking rap and country that's it I'm not like an Ariana Grande fan like I don't like pop I don't like I don't like female musicians I don't like female musicians

I don't like um no I can't say that I can't say there's some amazing country singers that are women obviously ariana grande is amazing but i like music i can crump to and that's usually a male voice rapping and saying some hard shit so i like that and i like and i like country all right cheese country oh six four star wars nerd tattoo tattoos and a big dude who's working on becoming smaller burgers are too good anything else just ask you know what this guy's got an i can just tell he's fun picture with his dog picture at some oh he's totally at comic-con i know the ceiling in the convention center that's comic-con selfie playing games he's in his gaming chair love it hakuna matata shirt selfie in front of the convention center with water behind him

um so romantic selfie with i think these people are famous at the convention center at comic-con he's in a boat guy behind him is so hot oh fuck the guy behind him like who's your friend um darth vader hoodie selfie uh jameson I don't know personalities 10 for sure you can just tell this guy's fun to be with and he's 6'4 but I'm not into the nerd shit like that like I like it but I don't like here's the thing when people take their it's just because how do I say this like we can watch Star Wars but I don't like want to know every detail about every little thing and I don't want you to play video games aside from watching the movies and collecting the merch and going to convention

centers with other people that are doing that just it's not we're not going to be compatible I'm not going to enjoy that okay I want to watch the movies with you and like go I don't know fucking on vacations together and like go to football games and like go to I don't know like fucking go to the river all the shit I used to do growing up you know let's just repeat that as adults that's what I'm looking for I think I think that's what Jacqueline's looking for like how can I find a life partner to like do life with like I like relive my glory days as a child like just big kids, you know, let's get a dog, let's travel, yeah, I don't want to go to Comic-Con with you, sorry, we're swiping right, or excuse me, we're swiping left, oh shit, the funny

thing about my back, in quotes, the funny thing about my back, it's probably a movie quote I don't understand um I think this guy thinks he's he's a day trader okay respect sarcasm is my second language no it's not like non-funny people say that people that aren't sarcastic say that like you can say well maybe okay i can't come i can't generalize or whatever but workouts jiu-jitsu meditation happy hours and then like 16 emojis after see this is me as a girl saying what i'm not like this is personally so just like i'm turned off what's up with people who clap at movies cliche when i was a kid i tried to get my dog to hump my cat i wanted a cat dog googled that didn't come up with it himself

all caps always love never hate party up then he's got his instas and everything look like just don't write anything because from the pics i'm like this guy's hot that's what gives it away sometimes a bio is nice because it gives away your like brain and how you think and if you're on the same wavelength as me because this guy's he's probably nice super fun to be around, but dorky, pass, left, okay, this guy, ooh, it's short, your filters are no match for my stolen pictures, he's trying to say, he's trying to be funny, like, oh, I'm a catfish, 6'3", but bust out your heels, so trying to flex, we got a steak emoji, a

rocket ship a microphone a plane a mountain a mountain climber and a dog let's spend the day on a park bench roasting total strangers I'm into that I like publicly shame like talking about other people in public that's I love people watching I love it that's what I I don't know where do I do that the most like airports obviously but just like it's crazy how everyone has a life story everyone has a past everyone has like they're going somewhere they're doing something and you can just sit there and think about it and then if you can make fun of them and it's fun and it's like you know it's playful but um whatever I'm just not picks see here's it's hard to do that it's hard to do a podcast about tinder bios because I'm like I

should just go based off of their bio and not their picks because you guys can't see oh wait here we go when you think a girl is hot but her mom is ugly so she must look like her dad and that makes you gay okay that took me on a ride if her mom's ugly she must look like her dad and if you are attracted to her and she looks like her dad, you must be gay. Stupid. Oh, no bio. Okay. See, already just excited about it. No bio. Let's check the pics. Hot. Dude, I'm swiping right. Let's see what happens it's a match it's a match his name is phil how old is he dude it's the no bio bitches that are they just fucking do it for me oh he's close one mile away um because it's it's hot

there's something hot about it it's like because you know it's corny to write a lot like because you don't take tinder seriously and so if you're on the same page with me about that i'm like oh i'm attracted to you like you think this is a bunch of bullshit you're not trying to like tell me your life story on a stupid app um sad this is really sad six foot sandy sd local staying social during all this distancing I'm just like sad I don't want to no thanks um no bio we got a loan officer no bio too many pictures of sunglasses though wait what's happening oh wait wait wait hot actually hot mid-30s hot okay wait gym pics I'm like wait whoa but those are deceiving because guys he's wearing

a hat and big headphones. That's my weakness at the gym. Guys with hats and big headphones look so hot. Girls too. Let's see what happens. It's a fucking match. It's a fucking match. You guys have to realize my pics. Let me tell you what my Tinder pics are. Oh shit. They're literally me with my fucking pop star headset on the picture of me in my bedroom on Instagram recently and then the third one is just like a picture of me smiling uh I posted all of them on Instagram no bio I don't have a bio I just say my username for Instagram and that's it maybe he's on the same page as me like no bio who is this girl I want to know more um let's read another one is this like again i'm so insecure this is the most boring fucking

episode of all time but whatever i'm having fun who's having fun let's all how you know i need a drink of water i need my water boy oh quickly messaged this is like live this is like friday night. We're on Tinder. Let's see who's trying to get in Jacqueline's pants. Let's, let's, this is like a fun segment. I could do this every Friday. How's your night going? I'm talking about you. I'm going to tell him I'm talking about you. Uh, then he'll be like, Hmm, what does she mean? She has a headset on in her picture. Dude, this is what I said. Like, I think it was yesterday. I'm like life is like people you come across in life are characters in the movie and you can have fun with people you don't have to take it so seriously like oh my gosh what if I tell him

I'm talking about him on my podcast like that's so invasive and you know and get nervous about it like if he doesn't if I don't if he doesn't pick up what I'm putting down and have fun with it then he's not for me. It's easy to weed people out that way. Just like, he's like, uh, yeah, yeah. Uh, yeah, I'm podcasting right now. Or I should say I'm doing my show. This is the show. I'm doing my show right now. and i roast tinder bios oh jesus this is kind of boring for you guys let's see what he says back to that and then i'll like ghost i'm not actually interested like again i'm not interested like this is what's misleading

it's bad for me to match with guys on tinder because like maybe they but i don't owe anyone anything. I just feel bad. I'm like, I don't want to small talk and then ghost you. I don't like that. I'm just here for the content. I'm trying to look for a good bio to read. Oh, he just popped back. So you want to roast my bio? I don't want to talk to you anymore, Phil. Phil the future. Did anyone watch Phil the future on Disney Channel because that that show was I miss those days so like my past time I feel like after I think what was it middle school like going home and watching like all night you do your homework and you watch Disney Channel until like 9 p.m. or whenever like the the movies would always start at

8 Disney Channel original movies they'd always start at 8 p.m. I feel like it was Lizzie McGuire and then it was Hannah Montana the show right before the movie would start at 8 it was like 7 30 hannah montana or lizzie mcguire before that it was like that's a raven fill the future but like earlier in the night where the kim possibles oh my god do you guys remember even stevens even stevens fucking miss being i miss the times that were simple where you'd like you're you looked forward to watching tv shows like with your i don't know i had like a brother and sister and we'd all sit around we had a routine with it um okay bio if you laugh easy and like being outside we will probably get along

that's another thing about jocelyn i'm not i love adventures i do i love going on hikes i like i love long bike rides okay i'm a cyclist i like fucking fishing i like being in the mountains I like skiing I like you know I'm all in I'm all about that but I don't know what it is when people make like their if their whole aesthetic is that like they are constantly in a tent or in a van or just like I don't know what it is it doesn't really um vibe with me for some reason like I kind of get annoyed by it I'm like can we just live regular lives and then like partake in those events but it's not like we're it's not a religion it's not like we're like I don't know doing travel I don't I don't know but hey this guy's got uh let's see his pics he's got dog

selfie in front of a tree he's definitely on a hike campfire at home that looks like a nice Christmas uh it's like a Christmas family photo I appreciate that it's a family man nice selfie he's out in the woods on a bike see i'm into road bikers so that's hot um honestly i'm gonna swipe and see what happens it's a fucking match i gotta put my phone down guys this is not okay we just got how many tonight should i screenshot this for proof what we got james phil garrett and jordan oh oh shit this guy got back to me he's like enjoy your roasting have a wonderful evening he's like not about it he doesn't have a bio

i don't want to talk back i'm not into it let's just let's just unmatch unmatch out of the out of sight out of mind i don't want to feel bad i don't want to have to reply back unmatch he said enjoy my evening I keep getting nervous because there's a guy at the top of my matches right now who I do not want to unmatch with accidentally and I keep getting nervous I'm gonna do it because it's like you can see your fingers could swipe around you'll kind of fuck up uh forget your star sign okay this is 31 mortgage advisor he's visiting San Diego's from Scottsdale. Forget your star sign. What sauce do you dip your nuggets in? Recently moved here. Just looking for a cute girl to grab a drink and cheesy fries with. Yes, I

love to smile I I have nice teeth lol um oh shit first picture he's in Paris he's at top oh he's at Topgolf fuck he's at Topgolf guys I gotta swipe I gotta swipe right that's my shit have you guys been to Topgolf before? That's so fun. So fun. That's a good date. Take me to take Jacqueline to Topgolf. Um, I like surprised myself. I went out to the range about like I've, I am a diehard like golf fan. Like I watched golf. I'm that, yeah, I'm that psychopath half a life likes watching golf on TV, but I've, I've never actually like gone out and played golf. I've always been like along for the ride or whatever. I've done mini golf and I've watched it. And so I went to the range to that, like a couple of years ago and I, I popped one off. Like I

thought, what I'm good at. I can like, I'm actually not bad at this for my first time doing this. I was like holy shit my driver I think I had like the biggest one but yeah I did but I just like someday maybe I'll get good at it or I'll get into it I just love watching it I don't know why it's soothing it's very like and it's there's so much like strategy and like um what can I say like when balls go in holes oh i've seen this guy before uh no bio but just like annoying just too many private jet pictures i'm not interested that's sad literally guys work their whole lives they're like i just want to get to the private

jet level so when i have it so on tinder i can post pictures of me in a private jet because girls like that shit and jacqueline's sitting here going swipe hard pass i don't like people that flex are nice shit I don't care I like I like normal basic like dude stuff like show me you like I know girls hate when guys show their fish I'm like I love that shit because I like well I grew up like I like fishing I like guys that are you know I'm at a football game or I'm like, you know, here's a picture of me traveling, that's cool, or me with a fam, sitting around drinking together, or you at a beach, like, whatever, but not, like, here's my fucking Maserati, and I'm on a private jet, and like, just the angle of your watch, and like, your

legs, like, that is, I just don't, that's not for me, again, it's some people are into it not for me I'm not sure I don't I like I appreciate someone who if they have the nice things they are not all about showing it that's hot that is so hot quiet like what is it quiet confidence what do I always say like and guys I love when guys are quietly confident like they know they're hot they don't need to talk about it they don't need to show it off they're just like that vibe. Should I stop this? I feel like everyone is tuned out right now. Oh shit. This is sad. Plant lover, ocean lover. Just seeing where life takes me. Let's create some memories. Pass. I'm just bored. I'm bored. Um, someone will, you know, someone out there

will like you, just not me. I'm going to do one more. I'm going to be self-disciplined and do one more. Oh, okay. This might be a banger. The solution to your daddy issues. Don't take me too seriously yet. Let's eat tacos and drink whiskey. Driven, ambitious, relentless, motivated, devoted, and always a student of life. kind of hot though just like turned off by the bio just hate the tacos thing I hate the like let's grab tacos and drink let's grab a drink I'll buy breakfast in the morning like just don't say anything the takeaway I'm not gonna read anymore the takeaway don't say anything no bio is the hottest bio you can put

um I think that's all I've got for you guys today I think I'll just uh I think I'll just title this tender roasting or something and uh yeah shit um what else could I update you guys on I'm gonna have like I think this week has been heavy I've been you know glued to the news feeling like a sloth and all I want to do this weekend is get some fresh air just like go out get by I need to go to the I need to be by the ocean like that always makes me feel like a normal person when I'm like I live here why am I not at the ocean every day so I'm gonna spend time with the ocean I'm gonna go thrift shopping I'm gonna go to the furniture store because I found my couch but I want to verify that it's the right one by like laying

on it in the store so like go see my couch such a big decision to buy a couch I'm like is it gonna fit is this like impulsive is this but I know it's the one that I'm gonna love forever so it's worth it I'm worth it you know I gotta treat myself more I gotta stop being so stingy I just like get anxiety I don't like the feeling after I buy something I hate that buyer's remorse where I'm like I don't actually need this like I have the couch I don't need a new one but it would make my life like 10 times better to have like a better couch I don't know I just like want it so bad it's something I like I always say if I can't stop thinking about something I will like that's a sign I need to buy it like I don't I will

marinate on something for literally an entire year especially like big things like furniture I don't want to just buy something and be like oh great now I have to figure out how to sell it or whatever um so currently I know the car should be on my mind but it's not I should probably prioritize getting the new car over the couch I could I could do it all but I'm just doing one thing at a time right now I think I don't like care enough about driving a shitty car like that's where I'm at I'm like I don't it doesn't bother me like I think I won't tell you guys what I drive but it's not like the nicest car but I don't care and I just would like a new couch it's not that deep and also the other thing I can't stop thinking about is um my cat my little kitten

coming next year so and then like after last night I mean I've been just like reminiscing about life and I like I just miss the good old days where I had like a normal human interaction and like I just miss going out and doing fun shit and I haven't really put myself out there this year to kind of like get back into it literally I haven't said this and I doubt the guys listening that um I'm referring to right now but I live in a sexy fucking neighborhood okay like every you guys know this I know I'm podcasting at night now or as of the last week or so but I always, I always people watch and talk about my hot neighbors. So you guys know this isn't news, but there's someone I like, I don't even know how I, we like found each other on Instagram,

but I like saw him walk into his house the other day and he lives like around, like, like within 30 seconds of me. And I'm like, Whoa, Whoa. I know you live there, but you don't know where I live, but you know we live in the same vicinity because we've dm'd about it before so that's kind of fun I just it reminds me of college when I would like this is like such a sideways story but I always like there's always the guys like that have girlfriends right that story story of my life but I would always like stalk where they like lived I don't know like try to figure out the parties where they would be at and like try to end up those houses and stuff and that was like the mission of the night like how do after we go out like how do I get into the same frat house or

the same like it's always it was always like the fucking I'll just say the football house you know like how do I end up there like how do I meet someone to know someone to go there and eventually I just like that's I was cool enough or like I met everyone to know everyone to do that but I remember at first it was like who's this chick like I transferred I wasn't from there and it was weird to like break into the the industry the fuck boy industry like literally that is what I did I busted up that industry what a what a day what a podcast hey I'm still doing it that's the thing I still I know it's been a little rough lately but like I still love it I still feel accomplished and

fulfilled um bear with me this week's been weird I think I really want to start off next week on the right foot like I intended to this week um but that's how life is you know there's the there's a silver lining there's a message like sometimes life is not it doesn't go as planned and I think previously I would have been really harsh and mean on my like down on myself about it like not having my shit together is good this week but I just roll with the punches I'm like well next week I can I know what happened this week so next week will be better and really what it was was a stupid election like the whole week has been me just like really what just like dumb I'm like so dumb just sitting back waiting for the announcement like watching the numbers watching

people talk about it like nothing is gonna happen we're probably not gonna know shit until like next week so that's it there's your podcast happy friday i hope you like that tinder roasting bio section i don't know i'm trying something new uh guys don't write a long bio less is more um that's it nobody cares nobody gives a fuck that you like tacos more than um or like that you want to go and grab a drink and i'll buy breakfast and you'll buy breakfast and worry nobody gives a fuck about that don't say that jacqueline doesn't like that so just do your instagram handle no bio just nothing but make sure your pics are hot and then you'll be fine you'll find the love of your life on tinder patreon.com slash tjms if you want to support

the show and uh go over and leave a review on the podcast on the app and subscribe if you haven't subscribed yet. I love you guys. Have a good day. Good night. Whenever you're listening to this and I will talk to you tomorrow for episode 65. All right. Bye guys. Hello, my patrons of patreon.com slash TJMS. How's it going? Another day, another podcast, another shout out. We've got Ricky Jensen. We have Trevor, Trevor Garrett, Eagle One, and Ozzy Osbourne. Thank you guys so much for your support um wow I don't know what else to say other than just thank you this is cool it's so uh modern to do a podcast and have a patreon patreon and it's I don't know I pre I just like like that you guys are along for the ride and into it so thank you

uh that's all I got I feel awkward all right love you guys talk to you tomorrow okay bye Thank you.