The Jacqueline Monroe Show - 8- Going Hard In The Paint

Episode Date: September 11, 2020

This is the best episode so far. I say the B word a lot and talk about my life. Happy Friday!!!! Patreon.com/tjms 

Hi, good morning. Hello. Welcome back to the podcast. I'm just going to get into it right here. I have something to get off my chest. People on the West Coast, who is having troubles right now deciphering their respiratory symptoms between coronavirus and the forest fire smoke? Are we wearing masks for the smoke right now or the virus? Like, I'm confused. This is a lot. It's a lot. Um, so I just want to get that out there that the smoke has finally broken through the Marine layer here on the coast in San Diego. And, uh, the sun's looking weird. It's looking apocalyptic out there. Nothing compared to Oregon, nothing compared to Oregon. In fact, I'm confused. I want to, I want to put this out there. I do need to talk about 9-11 and say,

I'm sitting here remembering the fallen. I'm not disregarding that. I know it's Friday. I'm going to do a Q&A uh answering questions from Instagram I'm going to go into a lot of topics but let's talk with let's talk about these fires right now I have never in my life seen skies this red and orange like glowing dark red at noon these photos people are posting they're like yeah no filter and a lot of times I'm you know like skeptical like that's definitely a filter you know what I mean a lot of people say no filter because they put a filter on it uh you can't to play mind games with me but these pictures are alarming and it's weird because like I've seen forest fires um you know year after year after year but I don't remember the smoke being

this or not the smoke the skies being this like crazy red it's weird like I'm I'm almost I'm just my brain is like confused I'm like why is it like this why is it this pigmented and like not just a hazy smoke scene like we have here in San Diego like it's smoky but it's not like skies on fire smoky like orange and shit and then I'm like okay is this one of those oh shit my alarm just went off oh I have my positive affirmation alarm I said I choose to be happy today and then I silenced it at 9 a.m every morning yeah that's a tip here I am segueing but I saw a TikTok where this person was like set positive affirmation alarms throughout your day on your phone so like every two hours you get something that's like I choose to do this

today or I am happy today or whatever and then you can't like avoid you have to turn the alarm off and you have to look at it so I even have a good night alarm to myself so yeah that's my latest mental health shit i'm working on like positive affirmations and thinking i'm you know thinking i'm cool when i i don't know i never think i have i have a weird i have like a i have a weirdly low self-esteem for someone that like i feel like i shouldn't but i have i've been a weird this year has been a weird low self-esteem year for me uh back to the forest fires but i'm thinking about it i'm like okay we're seeing these photos people are people are posting of like san francisco oregon all this shit it's like crazy red i'm like is this worse than they're telling us like i'm

paranoid now i'm like okay it's never looked this insane before and what the hell like okay is it work like obviously we have the aerial footage from space and whatnot we can see how many acres are being incinerated but i'm like what the fuck how is it this red like i my brain can't understand it okay I don't want to talk about the forest fires respect to the firefighters out there right now like I think there's 12,000 that have been deployed now it's a deployment as a firefighter it's like going to the fucking battlefield like it's now like a big deal like you're getting deployed to the forest fires that's where we're at as a as a world like as a as a country or whatever like you that's it's a it's insane I don't want to talk about

climate change I don't talk about all this I don't really know what's going on I don't I'm not like, I don't, I don't really, I'm just like, okay, same shit different here. Another tornado, another hurricane, another forest fire. Okay. Like, I don't know, obviously in my lifetime, I've noticed, it seems like it's getting worse, especially this year with the fires. So, um, yeah, shout out to the firefighters. Uh, not only the ones doing work on 9-11, like Jesus, I, I get really depressed. Like people have been posting, um, stuff all morning and I'm like, Oh my God, I still get like, I have like PTSD still from that. And it's been like 20 years, but I do remember, uh, my mom coming in the house, crying her eyes out. She was at the gym

and she found out. And then we all sat around the TV and watched on the news and yeah, I'm, I'm looking forward to, uh, the podcast, I think Tim Kennedy's gonna get on with Rogan and talk about shit today, because, like, I don't know, I feel like this 9-11 feels different, like, America, you know, everyone talks about how divided America is, and I don't know, like I really think it's like can we just use this day as a a way to like band the fuck together and say okay like and be like proud of this country and like proud to be here and like you know what I mean I'm just in this weird like headspace it's about being a patriotic person in this country you know what I mean like it's almost like a turnoff to people if you fucking post an

American flag they just immediately think you're a Trump supporter it's like oh my god Jesus she's it's like a it's like a people see that and have like a visceral reaction like if someone has a flag in their bio because they're proud to be an American it's like oh my god anyways I could go in I don't want to talk about politics I won't talk about Trump I don't talk about Biden I won't talk about any of that shit any of that shit but uh yeah I just thought of that like in my life it's gotten worse like the older I get the worse it I feel I'm like people judge you about liking the country you live in and respecting it and having like this like pride about it it's so weird I don't know can anyone else relate to that like

I don't I need to like follow less like I like some of the people I follow I'm like it's a very small population, but they're making me paranoid too. Like, I don't know. Okay. There's a lot of haters out there on this country and it's like, just have some fucking respect. We need some more respect for this country and a lot less bitching about it. Okay. We're blessed. We're blessed. Okay. Back to the task at hand here. Um, I want to, uh, dive into the podcast. Like I said, I'm going to do a Q&A. I'm going to do a, what else did I say I was going to do? Um, I don't know. I'm just, you know, I'm just showing up for the job. Got to acquiesce for the demands of the job, bitch. You got to show up. Okay. It might be

that that's what this podcasting job, uh, requires is just showing up whether you want to or not show up and so it's friday it's now episode eight and i'm going hard in the paint man i'm i'm just putting this out there this is one of the most competitive jobs on the planet right now because you basically get to sit down and talk shit for a living it's competitive everyone's wanting everyone's doing it i'm dunking i'm like going hard in the paint right now i'm dunking on these hoes i'm doing it every day i'm doing it every day now i don't know for whatever reason I feel like I need to justify myself like why am I doing this but like it's honestly a brilliant strategy it's a brilliant strategy like think about me shoot me out till

like December 31st that's 90 podcast bitch sorry for swearing mom uh yeah and it's uh like I said it's uh the the job demands you showing up like you you can't be like I don't feel like podcasting today. So yeah, that's where I'm at. Acquiesce. Acquiesce. That's the word of the day. Go look it up on Google. I don't know where, I literally like plucked that out of the most, like that word came out of my brain and I don't even know how I did that. I think it's When I get passionate and fired up, my vocab expands and I, my, my like, like mental, the mental pictures I paint are so vivid and so clear. And I start using all of these like descriptive words and analogies and shit.

I don't know where it comes from, but, um, yeah, so that's where I'm at. Uh, I kind of felt like shit this morning when I woke up again, I did sleep well. I did sleep well um but I was kind of like oh shit I didn't get coffee again so I had to go get it I had to go to the drive-thru again so I had this little moment this morning where I'm like I feel like shit it's like the morning I don't have coffee I need to go get it and then I have to sit in podcast and I have to work which like okay Jacqueline just stop bitching like this is life welcome to life welcome to life bitch you're gonna you're gonna hate some moments of it in the day and uh like this is the moment like the pre-coffee pre-podcasting time I had a little

I don't know if I want to do it today and then I was like bitch you're dunking on these podcast hoes out there you're not doing it they're doing a daily podcast or they're doing a weekly podcast you're doing a daily podcast okay okay all right because that's what it's going to take for me to rice the fucking top. That's a, it's a bold statement. And you know what? I'll say this. I was watching some Justin Bieber, uh, acapella, uh, YouTube videos last night. Cause it really warms my heart and soothes my soul before bedtime. I'm overboard. Okay. I'll stop. But, uh, I was watching him and I'm like, there's something about getting behind a microphone. It's like a high, like the little pop star microphone I'm using right now it's uh there's something about it

and I've got the little uh monitor monitoring feedback thing in my ear so I can hear the sound of my own voice and is this feeding my ego or like I like the way I sound I don't know maybe but I get it I'm like fucking get it like when I when I look at pop stars and they're up there on the stage behind the microphone there's something I'm feeling confident that's where I was going. I'm feeling confident. So the microphone, when I put this little thing over my head, my little call center mic, a little $20, I think it was 30. I keep saying it's like $20 or $30. It doesn't matter. Same difference. But I got it on Amazon. I feel like a pop star. It's making me confident when I speak and I can use my hands. I know if I had a, like a mic in front of

me, I could still use my hands, but I feel like, I don't know. I'm just like really vibing with podcasting right now and uh I'm a daily podcaster I'm a daily podcaster come at me bitch I'm swearing a lot today I'm swearing a lot today here's the thing I'm passionate I'm a passionate human being I'm a passionate speaker and uh I don't know I saw a quote that's like smart people swear and so here I am trying to like live up to that um you know what I want to say too is that this is a practice of letting go it's a it's like a practice of letting go of attachment to my stories and what I used to be afraid of sharing in the past because I think any old person would be they'd have anxiety about the fact that every day they podcast and they

tell everyone everything every day they're like here's a life update this is what I'm going through this is what I'm doing. So I'm, I'm, I'm not, I don't, I really don't struggle for whatever reason. I'm blessed in this way. Um, this isn't like, I'm not like flexing or anything. It's just like, I don't really get anxiety. I don't know how to explain it. Like nothing really freaks me out, I guess. Like, I just think, oh yeah, like I'll get through this or there's a solution. Like there's it's nothing is ever that big of a deal to me like it's more I get anxiety about things I do get okay I'm going through some social anxiety right now I will say that oh my god I have a little social anxiety right now okay I do have a little social anxiety right now

and it's in my head and I'm gonna get over it it's gonna happen so I'm like aware of it but I'm gonna and I have a plan but in terms of like anxiety about sharing my stories with the internet and talking about every little detail on the podcast like I don't give a fuck I'm like this is this is it this is like this is a big mountain I've climbed I've gotten on the other side I said that a couple podcasts ago like I'm at the point now where I'm so much more comfortable in my skin than I feel like I've ever been and I don't care about like like trying to keep up that you know like I don't like to say perfect but I don't know I'm not trying to like keep up an appearance or like a vibe like that's oh my god she's she's got all

of her shit together like I think I went through a phase of that most of my life like growing up into my twenties. And now I'm like, okay, I don't have my shit together in a lot of ways, but then no one has their shit together. Everyone talks about it. They're like, yeah, you know, I talked to 60 year olds and they're still trying to figure it out. And you would think they, they hadn't made and it's so true. So that's what I'm providing for all of you guys is my stories, uh, my rawness, my realness, my, uh, you know, zero inhibitions here, bitch. She is not holding anything back. Like, uh, I I'm proud of myself today. I feel like I do have a little more energy behind my voice. It's Friday. I'm feeling it. Okay. I'm proud of that. Um, here's what I want to say too, is that

the people I respect the most have solid opinions and they're vocal. They, they share them. They're not, it's not something you hear behind closed doors. Like I'm talking about the people online because I identify now I do identify as a podcaster. Here I am episode eight, really feeling I'm feeling myself but I feel like the the people I'm like damn fuck yeah are the ones that are they're talking about their their opinions on issues in the world and what and whatnot their opinions about everyday things like they're they're opinionated about like from okay I'm thinking to myself right now I have an opinion about ice shape I'm talking about ice shape like the shape of ice you pour in a glass and drink a beverage out of that is something I have a solid

strong opinion on now I believe and I don't know if you're listening or not and you recognize this in some of the stories I've posted but I said look if your coffee establishment does not produce this particular shape of ice I will not be back and I mean that like I haven't I have a I'm a coffee snob and I'm an ice snob and ice is underrated no one talks about it it's part of the meal it's part of breakfast okay you drink your iced coffee and guess what but you're but you're you're chewing on the ice afterwards okay that's your breakfast and cheers to that because I'm gonna get some more caffeine to me I'm getting a little parched now uh that that's where where was I going with that solid opinions yeah I respect people with

them with solid opinions and I want to be friends with them because you know where they stand they're straight up they're like there's no questions there's nothing they seem to be hiding it's like oh okay cool I know where they stand on this and that and then it's fun to be around because you can kind of fuck with those people too like if you know they hate something or like something you can like you know it's fun it's like okay it's like someone could someone could totally like I don't know I was thinking about the ice like someone could prank me or whatever I hate pranks pranks are so dumb I was I was just looking at a I'm getting so sidetracked but it's cool it's cool uh I don't want to talk about that I'm just saying like you have to be willing to be

hated that's where I'm at too because then you have a career think about all the top people in the world like top leaders top uh influencer like like whatever like podcast whatever like I'm just thinking of like people at the fucking top okay you got to be willing to be hated because all those people they're they're you know it's they're putting themselves out there it's not easy to have an opinion and share it it's easy to sit back and not not say anything and just like like for example I would feel like such a little fraud if I sat here and talked about how my house plants are doing each week and what color I'm gonna paint my nails and a skincare product that's been working lately like of course I'll pepper that shit in but I would feel like I'm

not really contributing anything substantial to this conversation with myself every day because I'm literally on a phone call. Like, bitch, people get on a Zoom call. This is where I'm at too. People sit down every day. They're like, I'm on a Zoom meeting today. I got four Zoom calls or whatever. I'm like, just fucking Zoom with yourself and post on the internet and make a career around it. Like that's where I'm at. Of course I'm doing both. Like I'm holding down a job and I'm doing this, but I'm like, it's real. Like when I think about the industry, I'm like, it's competitive as fuck because you can just sit back and do this and like, do like go places with it. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's cool. I I'm really stoked on using my voice as like my,

this is my, uh, I guess my talent or my, like, this is my skill. You know what I mean? Like I get to I'm a I'm a fucking vocal cord DJ bitch I'm like a I keep saying bitch I've said bitch way too many times on this podcast I'm a conversation scientist every day I'm like putting my thoughts in a little petri dish and I'm spitting them out okay this is a legitimate career okay microphone you know I've got my garage band open here I've got my coffee this is a fine art okay so I'm rolling with it I'm saying that you know I'm inviting you out there if you're listening if you're inspired by this if you're fired up with me on this beautiful Friday this beautiful smoky Friday here on the west coast I'm inviting you to say fuck it let go of attachment

to all the insecurities you have about telling people your story and like people judging you for it let go that shit get on a little call to yourself every day get yourself a call center microphone park yourself in front of your laptop start talking post that online do it every day okay I'm a trendsetter I'm a trendsetter daily podcasts it's a thing yeah I don't understand I'm starting to think like what are these fucking people doing all week they have a podcast they're only doing one podcast a week I'm confused I'm not I mean not everyone does one one a week some people do two some people do three yes there are daily podcasters I'm looking at you NPR I'm looking at you NPR daily updates what happened over the last 24 hours okay I'm doing it too

I'm right there with you my lips I'm like is this film from my iced coffee or the smoke outside you know when you get that ashy lip from the smoke settling god damn it's so bad how are your how are your lungs and like I said earlier I can't I'm having issues deciphering respiratory symptoms this is not what I need right now okay and yes I took six of my wellness formula tablets this morning in hopes that that will calm down my immune system because it doesn't know what to do right now with all this smoke and virus shit going on uh like I said yesterday how's the virus doing is it even a thing and oh my god fucking Spain has like 10,000 cases a day right now they're having their second wave I'm like shit half of me goes okay am I gonna be the

one like you know how the virus will take you you'll be like you know 23 healthy and then get it two days later casket oh my god that's so insensitive fuck okay but I'm saying like it's it seems like it's a roulette. It's like a, it's just like, you might be the one it takes. And I'm at peace with that. And I, and early on back in March, I had a conversation with my mom. She's like, Jacqueline, you've done everything right. You you're healthy. You you're washing your hands. She even said that she's like, Jacqueline, you're, you know, you're eating right. You're healthy. You're washing your hands. You've done everything right. So if that is your, if the outcome is a is a death sentence from this fucking virus then you know that you did all you

could do so yeah I go from paranoia about that to like is this even a is this even anything like and to alleviate my anxiety a little bit about it because I do have that's another I do have a little tinge of anxiety about the virus sometimes but uh what I used to do I think like around I don't know a couple months in is I would go on I would go on like I don't know what I'd be on Twitter Twitter is better than Google for searching shit I because what you do is you type in a phrase and then in hopes that someone tweeted that so if you want to like get an answer to something or find what you're looking for you'll go like this is what I would do I do this I did this the other week I'm like I type in the Twitter

search I go coronavirus wasn't that bad search then I go to the latest things and I search there and I'm like someone is did someone out there tweet that it wasn't that bad I'll be like wow I thought coronavirus was uh gonna kill me and it didn't and then I'd search you know what I mean like you can find so like the most specific uh things from from uh or like phrases that people tweet because um yeah it's it's cool so and then I would also go on like TikTok and I'd look at people's coronavirus uh experiences because they do like daily updates and they're just sitting there like uh you know can't really smell anything but it's not that bad but then I every now and then you'd find someone on a ventilator you know fighting for their life and you'd be like what the

fuck so you can't win with with it I I really just hope my dream my fantasy is like in a year I'm sitting here I'm podcasting I think I'm gonna renew my lease here I think I'll still be here yeah it's great people watching I gotta say like I don't know if I can find another place like, like this with the, with the people watching. I just went cross-eyed leaning back, looking out my blinds at my man bun neighbor doing his workout with his, uh, two over the overweight couple he trains every morning. I'm looking back in my left eye, like it just drooped looking out the blinds and it, cause like, you know how the blinds are so many. Yes, I have those shitty blinds. Every apartment has, but there's so many lines. And then I just went

cross-eyed trying to look through it so on that note rehydrate I gotta say Jacqueline I gotta say this is the best your personality is really shining today you're doing a great job this might be my favorite podcast this might be I've gotten some feedback in the DMs about I keep calling attention that but I do appreciate I really do appreciate you guys giving any sort of input about what's going on on on this show but people say like yeah every podcast gets a little better and I I kind of I do agree I gotta celebrate myself a little bit because I had a rough start with my iPhone headphone speaker thing bad bad audio this isn't that great either I mean I'm not using any perfect I don't have any soundproof around me

and I don't have like a professional like sweet mic but uh I'm rolling with it you know what I mean I'm just working this muscle I'm getting fine to my voice I'm just having fun you know what I mean this is my hobby that like I said I'm a vocal cord DJ I'm using my voice to work my own shit out let go of attachment to my stories entertain the fuck out of you guys because we all need it we all need a little light-hearted moment in the day and if if you're out there dm me what you do while you listen to the podcast because i have no clue someone dm me at like 11 30 p.m last night and i'm like what the fuck are you doing up this late listening he's like yeah i'm on episode six i'm like where are you what's going on uh why aren't you getting ready for bed

like is this your bedtime story am i gonna be your bedtime story every night i don't know that's cool I always listen to podcasts when I do the dishes so I just assume that's what everyone else does but I can't do it I realized let me talk about my day yesterday I went to the gym I can't really listen to podcasts while I work out anymore because I I need that like music to pump me up and I can't have like a con like I can't it's hard for me to like count my reps while I'm like, I'm like, okay, the sentence is going on. They're saying something and I'm counting and I'm not, I can't pay attention to what they're saying. It's like my brain can't multitask that. So music, I can zone out to the song and count. And I like, I, it's hard

because I love podcasts, but I've been listening to some really good music lately. Maybe I should share my Spotify playlist playlist I feel like I have a really good taste in music I've been told that a lot I don't know like I have like the best mix I feel like of old songs that are kind of like you would forget about it but then you hear it you're like holy shit this is the best song ever it's like from 2006 or 2009 or something like I have a good mix of that with new stuff and then like the old so I do like Tupac Biggie Nas Wu-Tang that kind of shit mix that with 2006 like I'm in middle school young jock it's going down type of shit and then I mix that with like 2009 Jay Sean down and then I mix it with like new stuff so then my whole playlist I'm talking about like when I

I curate a playlist that's like everything in one I don't do like oh these are the throwbacks no I do like one playlist full of it all and uh I love it because I'll be working out and I get a flavor of everything um what was I gonna do oh I was gonna talk about I went to the gym last night I think that's why I slept well is because I did a heavy lift and I got a little baby rip on my hand from dead lifting I was like oh that's cute like I finally broke some skin uh it felt good I think it's just like I'm turning into a gym bro one day at a time all over again because I have to make up for lost time look I was in my apartment working out with makeshift weights I think I did a did like a stupid tiktok on what I in what I um put in my I I have like a purse I filled with

heavy stuff that I've been using as a weight and honestly it was it was heavy as fuck but like it wasn't it's not the same as you know getting on a platform dead lifting you know what I mean it's like some nice rogue weights and shit so or is it ilico or whatever I don't know my gym has like nice weights but uh it feels good I feel like I have to make up for lost time I have to you know get this ass back lifted up and this ass lifted up what did I just say I don't know I'm blessed I honestly think I shout out to my parents because I have the type of genetics where like I can build muscle in like a week and it's like hold I I can do like okay this is all it takes for me you know I'm not anywhere I I've already explained to everybody like I've

gained 20 pounds I'm not feeling myself but like my muscles in two weeks this is what it takes like let's say three honestly even two three hardcore lower body like glute focus days two weeks in a row I look like my it's like perfect again because I feel like a lot of people I just naturally have I'm just naturally blessed in that area and so I feel like I don't know I am I'm very muscular but why am I talking about my fucking body right now this is weird I'm like oh I don't want to talk about this but I'm just saying like it doesn't take a lot for me to build muscle and I'm I'm stoked on that because right now I'm going really hard and then uh I'm gonna like you know keep going hard but I'm like well I have nothing else to do right now it's like the gym's back

I've got to make up for all these months of doing a lot of walks and body weight shit in my apartment yeah it feels good and I do think it's helping me sleep better um I always whenever I lift at night around like six I sleep so well I sleep so well because I'm like exhausted and my muscles are all worked and um yeah so okay moving on I am looking at my note now and I'm looking at oh yeah I wrote um how are you guys doing I always ask that at some point in the podcast are you enjoying this as much as I am I feel like this is like the best Friday episode ever oh my gosh episode eight going down in history right here um oh yeah this is just like a random thought I had okay it's kind of like I said I don't want to talk about talk about social media

anymore I'm like over it episode four I think or five I ranted and that was enough but I feel like and I don't know if anyone out there can relate to this but I really feel like I've become super desensitized by nice shit like nice luxury items and nice like cars nice clothes nice makeup nice like electronics and stuff and what I mean by that is that because I swipe and I see it all the time online it doesn't phase me and entice me as much as it used to when I wasn't exposed to it 24-7 so I mean like when I swipe and see Kylie in her um rolls or whatever and she's like you know wearing like the coolest outfit and it's like all fancy and then you see her house and it's all fancy and it's like it's so nice and shiny like I don't it doesn't do anything it's just like I've

feel like people that have like uh pornography addiction this is like the same thing but it's like I have I have I'm desensitized like it doesn't do anything for me anymore to see nice shit it's weird like I made a joke yesterday on my story of uh I was listening to a Kendrick song Mad City or whatever and the album cover or like the song cover thing was a old like van what kind of van is it it's like a chrysler like a shitty old van like i think from like the early 2000s that every mom drove their kids to school in my family we grew up with an astro van and i was i have been embarrassed like that was the most embarrassing car of all time a blue astro van um yeah it's like the worst van of all vans and we had it and the other vans

I were like the one in this Kendrick picture the Kendrick Lamar album picture where it's like it's like a it's like the shape of an egg if you know what I'm talking about you know what I'm talking about so anyways I was looking at that and then I was on offer up because I've been looking around for every day I have my offer up searches it's an app you can look at like uh it's like Craigslist but it's better because I don't know it's like a an app I'm like on it right now looking but I have certain searches I look for um because I'm looking for cool art for my walls because I still don't have like I have like two art pieces in my apartment and like a big clock but I keep looking for like art and just stuff for my apartment and anyways I was on there and I

the first like I opened it and a van was for sale so I made a joke on Instagram yesterday I was like dude if I was Kylie Jenner or if I was like a just a rich ass person like Billy like Jeff Bezos like if I was him I would drive a van like that and troll on everyone like if I was Kylie that would be my mom whip and maybe like the outside's shitty but like the inside's got the stars on the ceiling and it's like all super like there's led lights everywhere and shit and I don't know I just feel like it would be refreshing to see a celebrity unironically drive a shitty car like it's normal because I think it would take them down to our level and make us feel like oh my god they're just they're they don't like this stuff isn't important to them because here's the thing when

I said I was desensitized by shit it's even when I own it myself like it used to feel exciting and cool to have like this is so fucked up and like I said can anyone else relate to this it used to feel some type of way like I get like oh like this is like like you feel cool when you buy something really nice and then it's like oh I have it and then it's like fun for a long time because you're like I wanted this forever or like I finally have it and it's super cool to look at the only thing that really does that for me long term is like a new Apple product like my laptop never gets old it's always like so nice and I love it and I balled out with getting the little touch bar and I like I'm obsessed with my laptop um and like my also my vlog camera I will say my

g7x here I still like I got it this summer it's still like new and shiny and cool I feel like electronics are different but what I'm what I'm talking about is like clothes shoes makeup stuff around your apartment stuff you put in your kitchen your pillows your decorations like it used to feel special and now I feel like when I look at my makeup collection if I buy something new I'm like oh it's just like fuck it I don't care that it's like a new YSL lipstick or whatever it's like it doesn't feel luxury anymore it doesn't feel special because it's like everyone has a nice fancy cute shit on Instagram all the time and I'm constantly seeing it and that's why I get annoyed and then I get annoyed this podcast I don't really know what the topic is I do want to

do the Q&A this might be a long one but I feel good right now leaning back got a girl walking her dog outside little wiener dog that's cute I'm just feeling like talking about this and getting it off my chest, my little chest here, my little flat chest, um, fuck, what was I saying, desensitized, um, we just kissed, we just kissed, we're hanging out, we're hanging out, we just kissed, how was that, that was one of my questions in my Instagram Q&A, are you a good kisser. Should I answer my Q and a right now? I don't know. This is a little, uh, seventh inning stretch I'm doing. We're having a little mid podcast, you know, break. Um, oh yeah. I wanted to, I wanted to elaborate on the one little piece here and related to that topic. And then

I'll move on to the, the meat and the potatoes here. I've been annoyed to in a weird way. Like I'm very influenced by my surroundings and I'm very visual and I'm a very creative person. So my environment heavily affects my mood and I've always been, you know, super into like keeping a very organized, clean environment for my sanity. And I love it too. Like I enjoy the process of cleaning and because it's an excuse to listen to a podcast. Okay. We already, that's like a part of it I love listening to podcasts while I clean but um yeah I've I've always been that way and I love decorating and I love all that shit and so it sucks this is what sucks and I and I I don't know if anyone else out there can relate to this but like okay so you know how there's a minimalism

documentary and like every fucking picture of a house like a space you see on uh like a living room bedroom whatever on Instagram like millennials I'm talking about especially it's so minimalistic and like no there's no like it's like okay plant it's like plant like white couch coffee table there's like a nice lamp I don't know it's very minimal right there's not a lot of decorations everyone's got kind of the same vibe and I'm like annoyed because I want to fill in my apartment and make it me and make it like super like I don't know just not not cluttery but like fun and like my personality just puked out everywhere and and stop because I'm like in my head about clutter and not doing a minimalistic like um decor style

or whatever because it like stresses me out I'm like oh my gosh if I look at too much stuff am I gonna go insane but then it's like what's the point of life if you're sitting there like keeping shit out of your apartment because it's too much clutter I don't know I used to not be like that like I want to be like a little kid again and I realized that like okay dude dude wow dude I just called you dude are we friends did I just friend zone you I think we just I just friend zoned you if I call you dude and I hate to be like a girl that's like one of the guys you know what I mean like those girls you got to be worried about and I feel like I'm worrying myself trust me I'm one of the girls I'm not one of the guys I don't want to fit into that category but

I can hang like I can hang she can hang okay I know what I'm self-aware I know that about myself I can play both sides okay I can talk sit here and educate myself and I do feel like really paying attention to NFL season this year so I can you know talk to you guys about that because I realize this my audience is majority majority of the listeners right now are male I want to cater to you guys but I do I am one of the girls at the end of the day like fuck yeah let's uh let's yeah okay but uh I realized podcasters is what I was gonna say their studios are like if they were little kids like how they would decorate their room that's how podcast studios look if you look at the background of the backgrounds of people shit

it's like bookshelves with like little toy stuff in like shoes and like it's just like even like what was I watching the other day I think I was watching like the fighter and the kid I think I don't remember it I watch a lot of podcasts on YouTube I don't know it was just like making me realize that this is like their little kid room that's what podcasting studios look like um oh by the way Rogan's getting a lot of shit about his studio like the lighting people are like dude do something without money and get some better lighting people don't really um like well not I'm not saying everyone it's just like I literally looked up because I'm curious I'm exposing myself right now I did a Twitter search like I told you earlier it's better than Google I Twitter

Twitter searched Rogan's new studio I don't like Rogan's new studio or I searched that and then a lot of people were like dude this looks like some like people don't like it and I do think like I'm still getting used to it seeing the red background instead of the purple curtain and everything but uh I do kind of miss the old studio I watch a lot of his podcasts like I said on YouTube I'm a watcher um and yeah it's kind of weird to get used to but I I don't know they're working it out it's gonna take a while but his his studio is like so him but there's other people it's like they're a little five-year-old and they decorated their podcast background like a little kid and so yeah that's where I'm at about my apartment and decorating I'm like okay I just

want to like pretend I'm 12 years old again get all the little kid shit around me again and like fill it in with cute stuff I do think like here in my little podcast um studio which is my kitchen I have a it's my dining area my dining table um but I have like nice shelves and stuff I might fill in with personality tchotchkes um I do have I do have a few things that yeah but I I want to what I'm saying is like, I know I shit on consumers and I'm buying stuff you don't need. And like, I do, I, I, I, uh, if, okay. The reason why that freaks me out is because I'm at this age where I'm like, you need, like, I'm, I'm such a hoarder with my money and my finances and everything. Like I, it, it gets me nervous to spend money on shit I don't need,

but for the sake of the visuals and your own, um, enjoyment watching the podcast someday, cause I do like next month, I'm going to start doing a video. Uh, I want it to be fun. I want you guys to be excited to look at the background. So I might invest in some, some funny little pieces like, uh, I don't know, just like weird shit. I want you guys to be like distracted by the background the whole time. So you don't have to look at me cause I don't plan on getting glam. I don't, I don't plan on sitting down and like looking like a beauty guru. Okay. She's gone. She's dead. Like I might, okay. I'll, I'll, I'll, uh, if I do this in the morning, it's like, okay, you're rolling out of bed. I might be in my bathrobe. I'm drinking my coffee.

Like that's the vibe. I don't want to, I don't want to put pressure on myself to like have a perfect aesthetic and like come on here with a bunch of like makeup and hair done. And I'm podcasting and I look nice on camera. So that's why the background needs to be very distracting. I'm looking at a plane I'm looking at a plane it's totally distracting me but here's what's confusing so there's a runway uh here outside the city well it's like in the city but in San Diego and every now and then a plane will just go over it it won't like land it will continue forward I'm like where's it going like that's the ocean it didn't take off here so is it just passing by is it coming from a different like it confuses me is it on its way to Hawaii I don't know and

sometimes they really this is what's weird I don't know if you're from San Diego and you realize this too but sometimes the planes really turn on their jets instead of landing into the on the runway they accelerate over it it's so weird and apparently this is the busiest airport here in San Diego because it only has one runway so people are coming in and coming out like pretty much at the same time. It's sketchy. Like a plane will take off and a plane will land like in sync. In sync. And I feel like when I said that it triggered me because I have my pop star microphone on and I, uh, Oh yeah. How did, wait, what's the song I'm thinking? I don't know. Team in sync over Backstreet Boys. That's where Jacqueline's at. All right. Let me go to my Q and A. Um, actually

one last glance at the, at the, at the, I keep struggling with that. Is it the, or the, at the, at the note, the note, I say the fucking Shakespearean. Okay. Just one last look here. Yep. Going hard in the paint, doing daily podcast. Uh, I don't care that I'm, uh, not editing this, or, uh, being focused and clear right now, I'm showing up, acquiesce, acquiesce for the demands of the job, that's what this is called, acquiesce, acquiesce, am I saying that right, I don't know, that's the word of the day, and I don't know where it came from, but I, I want you to look it up, um, there's no riffraff here, there's no, like, I'm not, this is like the path of least resistance here's the thing like

the job like I said it demands me showing up whether I like it or not and I do feel like it's not uh even like the little piece in me this morning that was like I don't want to I'm like tired I have to get coffee I won't do this I still I still push through I showed up proud of that um back to the note uh should I kiss you again that was not a kiss that was like a chipmunk noise I'm gonna drink coffee why am I talking about kissing people that's weird oh yeah well maybe that'll tie into my Q&A about am I a good kisser you guys had some juicy questions um I'm still trying to go over my note. This is a little, uh, pause in the podcast. Sorry. Not editing this. Um, oh yeah. I want to talk about this theme. I want to carry throughout

about listening to yourself, following yourself, tuning into your intuition. Stop seeking people online for answers to all your problems. Like, uh, I did a poem. I might read this because this is a good podcast this is a great ass poem I wrote let me find it on my Instagram so basically I had a coming to Jesus moment at the end of last year where I was like okay I've seen it all I've read it all I've heard it all and I am like maxed out I know everything like I I feel like I've but I haven't taken okay here's the thing there's so much information and then it it's like it paralyzes people you don't actually act on what you're learning you're just constantly learning this thing and that thing and this thing and it never

ends because it's constantly updated every day like oh new episode of this like here I'm doing for you fucking new podcast Jacqueline dropped another day another podcast uh but people are that you follow are like constantly like sharing new shit and so you're you're you get so much information information becomes paralyzing and then in order for you to then what that what that does is it influences the actions you take throughout your day all of a sudden I became hyper aware of my morning routine I became hyper aware of my diet like okay there's so much information online I'm constantly seeing about this thing and that thing in this way of eating and so then it became I became hyper aware of that and then it would that would influence how I

shopped for groceries and how I cooked my food and like what I ate and then uh what else it does uh it I got influenced by how to work out properly like I I'm constantly battling between like okay Jacqueline are you gonna become a yogi like you see all over Instagram because you follow a lot of those people or are you gonna be like a gym chick and like be like jacked and have like giant glutes and like be that girl or are you going to uh be a runner like I don't know like there's so much there's so many options it's like okay Jacqueline then it gets deeper then it's like okay Jacqueline are you going to be an entrepreneur and drop ship uh there's so many of those people out there are you gonna um be into crystals and and zodiac sign shit and be one of those girls

and be like frolicking a burning man and it's like there's so much shit out there that's it's like okay if I listen to my intuition if I was just like me no exposure to any of that shit what would I do and that's what this podcast is about honestly it's like coming back to myself and saying fuck all that it's great but it's too much stimulus for me to take anymore and this is my way of listening to myself following myself and the theme the reason I said this this is on my note here I wanted to get into the Q&A but my message I want to get across because I said earlier I respect people that have solid opinions and solid points of view on on things and the one I am passionate about carrying through my podcast here and something you should know about me

Like if we're really getting to know each other right now, like, Hey, we're on a first date here. I'm getting serious though. It's that I want people to tune into themselves and listen to themselves. And you have all the answers inside of you. You don't need to go get all inspired by someone and follow and copy what they do. Because here's what I realized. You start living a life that's you start living other people's lifestyles. You start copying other people's routines. You stop which is it's good but it's got it got to the point with me where I'm like I gotta I gotta pick and choose from that and stick with it and not because every year every month there's like a new way of doing things a new way of um a new like trend of like the fucking matcha trend

I'm like why the fuck did I buy matcha it tastes like hey it tastes like shit I don't like matcha but everyone on instagram is buying matcha and talking about all the antioxidant benefits bitch hear that i drink coffee okay i drink coffee i love coffee i know myself i listen to myself and i and my my my little soul she screams out every morning for coffee i even got into the uh, the trend last summer, uh, of food combining from, like, Kenzie Burke has, like, a huge following, because she does this thing where she, like, is, like, a food, I don't know, it's, like, the way you eat, so, like, certain foods combine with certain foods, I don't really understand it, but I followed into that shit, and then it fucked me up, then I had some, like, crazy

TMI, but I had some issues last fall, and I had to get, like, a test done, which was great, Cause then I found out that actually Jacqueline, you can eat a lot of, um, your body does well with a lot of meat and yeah, I got this test. It's called Viome. I recommend it so much and I, I'm not trying to tell you to go buy something and spend your money and be a consumer and here I am recommending stuff, but, um, it's great because this is disgusting, but you literally take a shit and you send it in and it tells you down to the uh vegetables fruits carbs like proteins every food out there that is what you

should eat and it's it was great because it's like okay all the stuff that she was recommending I eat doesn't work for my body at all and it was like I cold turkey went into it and of course I got all fucked up from it so that's an example of like it works for her that's great it works for a lot of people. I support that. I think it's great. It gets people on the right path of being a healthy person. And, you know, you are what you eat. And I do believe that health is wealth. I totally get it. But it gets to the point where I'm like, I really empathize with her. I'm talking to you, Kenzie Burke, if you're listening. I'm like, she, to me, is an example of a person with a lot of influence out there who has boxed herself in as that girl that is like super healthy and

holistic and it's all about nutrition and nourishing your body and it's like bitch do you ever just like crave a domino's pizza like I do I want to shove that shit back with a beer like I'm like it does that ever like I don't know to me I know I used to have now I'm talking about like disordered eating stuff that I used to struggle especially in college when I was vegan um I've literally I feel like everyone has some sort of issue with food like if you're listening right now you've probably like no you probably have it in your head somewhere I think it's because of how much shit and information is available out there everyone at some point has probably been like what the like you're confused on like oh should I do this should I eat like that

this isn't healthy back in college I was like raw vegan straight up like six months straight no coffee I can't believe I did it and I I remember being like and then I was vegan I was pretty much vegan for like two and a half or three years but um I remember being like boxed in like this is what I do this is how I eat there's no swaying and it felt weird because I was like I went my whole life like eating like everything like I don't give a shit like I've never thought about it until then it was like whoa and then I felt like I'm in this little box and so I empathize like with people out there and influencers that their personality is their fucking diet it's like how it's like you think of her and you're like oh she like has a specific smoothie she eats

she has a specific cauliflower lunch thing I think she calls it zing like it's literally called zing it's cauliflower it's this recipe I follow her I really she's she's got a great mind I do respect I respect how she thinks and I think she's there's a spectrum and there's a there's a whole spectrum of this where some people are extremists about what they what they do and their lifestyle um and how that appears online and she's one of them like she does high quality uh images and videos of herself and she's got like really really uh nice books she's or like ebook things she sells and courses and stuff and I'm just saying like it stresses me out because I'm like I want to promote none of that shit I want to promote like do whatever you want like don't make your lifestyle

your what you consume like your food and like your your hobby and like that's your aesthetic and that's your personality online you know what I mean like that stuff doesn't even matter I'm like just like fucking wake up it's like it's simple it's like wake up drink some water get some coffee and you don't think about it too hard uh it's weird yeah so what I was saying the reason why I went on that little rant that's one area that's just talking about like diet culture and like getting like hyper aware of what you're consuming because of influencers they're like shoving in your face every day I was influenced by vegans back in like 2012 or 2013 um and I was young and now I'm on the other side where I'm like okay well I've seen it all done it all now

I'm just doing what works for me and that's what I want to I want to tell people to do um because I'm sick of being hyper aware of my daily choices and like every little detail I do because someone online like coached me through it at one point it was like this is the way this the truth is the light I'm sounding like a prophet right now back to my poem because I do think it was a good poem I wrote at the end of 2019 um yeah I had a little me time moment there but I want to I want to read this because this is quality. I write. I write and I get shit out there out of my brain. And I even tweeted this yesterday. I don't really get proud of myself about anything. And I don't really celebrate accomplishments. I never really take the time

to be like, you're good at that. Or you did that. And so yesterday I tweeted, I was proud of myself for doing a podcast seven days in a row. So right now I'm saying like, hey, Jacqueline, you can right you've got you've got like some you got you're a good writer so celebrating that toot my own horn fuck it love yourself uh that's part of my this whole journey of like stop being in your head and ashamed about your like the qualities that make you you you know and stop questioning it and stop um being so in your head about it because that's awesome that's you everyone's good at something. Everyone's got their thing. And I, you know, I'm trying to really like come into my own and be proud of that and be like, okay, shit, you're kind of cool girl. Like this

is my, the self-love journey I'm on. You know what I mean? I got, I got to drink more water before I read this. I'm looking at some people that pulled outside my apartment right now. They just pull up in the car. I am struggling. I'm stalling right now because I can't find the poem I'm gonna find it I'm gonna find it I think it was this oh yeah there's a short one there's two I got that one and then I got it's the ignore me poem I want you to ignore me I said there's another one I think it's juicier are you guys doing okay is this podcast carrying you uh through your day right now? Are you, like I said, DM me, let me know what you're doing right now. Uh, when, when do you listen to this? I think I archived it. I'm such a little shit. I'm such

a little shit. I probably archived it cause it was like embarrassed. Ooh, there she is. Oh yeah. It was like a shitty picture. I was in like a red bralette. I feel like it's like not a good quality picture either. I suck at that. Like that's one of the things I need to get over and stop judging myself about. Like, dude, I know I told you before that I have struggled so much with like thinking I have this internal like tug of war where I'm like, Jacqueline, you should like be a blogger. You should take like high quality photos. Like they literally have like super nice cameras. And I have photographers, people that are like, let's shoot. You know what I mean? Like I could have taken it seriously and done that, but I still shit on myself. And

the reason I archive this is because it's such a low quality picture. I'm like, I can't, this is 2020 this is looking like fucking day one of Instagram quality so I archived it but the poem like I shouldn't have because this is some quality content here so I'm gonna read it then I'm gonna get into my Q&A and end this podcast but this is what I wrote at the end of 2019 when I reached scrolling capacity and took a two-month break so annoying when people announce they're going on a little hiatus like no one gives a shit but everyone feels inclined and like compelled like you have to tell people, you know, you just have to like, who cares? Nobody cares. Okay. This is what I wrote. I kind of have to pee. Shit. Okay. Okay. We're not going to, we're going to hold it

together. Uh, I got to practice this because if I ever sit on a three hour podcast, I have to be good at holding my pee. Um, I just assume like someday, someday I'll, uh, I'll be joining the club somewhere and I'll be taking a seat, taking a seat with the boys and the girls of podcasting world. And a lot of them are long. Okay. So I wrote, this is serious. Okay. I wrote, I've heard it all, seen it all, read it all, listened to it all, same shit, different podcast, different influencer, occupying my eyes and ears, distracting me from myself, my own life experience, my heart and soul. In return, I have a mental measuring stick I didn't ask for when I signed up and logged in, leaving me constantly trying to better myself, upgrade my lifestyle, be more, do more, create

more, hustle harder, instead of living in the moment with quiet time to sit with myself and notice how complete I am, how happy I am to be, how happy I am to be me and how fucking proud I am of everything I've accomplished and earned on my own. I wrote, I don't look for answers anymore. I know what to do. I know what works for me. This time is all about regaining my intuition, auditing every piece of content I've created over the last eight years and getting really specific about who I am and then and the unique set of habits of daily habits and rituals that make me successful at unapologetically being me that's good shit I might put that in a frame that might be the first art piece that goes up on my

wall in my apartment I wrote I realized my daily habits revolve around checking up on other people their stories recent posts etc it took me away from myself I had to go dark to create brain space for a couple months because I was literally under the influence that's good literally like yeah we're under the influence we're like zombified out like drugged out on other people's lifestyles we're constantly checking up on all day and that's why like I've mentioned before I mute 90 like 99 of the people i follow i pretty much look at five different stories a day of people like i mean if i if i watch your story like there's people that i will like go in my dms or like i'll see a message and i'll watch their story but if i watch your story like just know you're

probably one of like less than 10 people that i watch um because yeah you're constantly checking up on other people's lives and if you've ever unfollowed someone or refollowed it's the same shit different year like everyone kind of does the same thing and post the same kind of stuff and it's taking you away from yourself when you're watching it and it's like that's what I said like listen to yourself follow your own intuition like you're constantly distracted by other people and it's taking you out of your own your own head and the other poem that is in conjunction with this this podcast is going down in history as the best podcast I've ever done, episode 8, fuck yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna really remember this one, it's Friday, I feel like I'm really coming

through, going hard in the paint, daily podcast, I'm coming, I'm coming out strong, um, but the other poem I wrote that's, uh, kind of in conjunction with that, conjunction, junction, what's your function it's uh about becoming nobody I thought you know what that's that's fucking that's fucking the the cool the cool uh way to be in 2020 be nobody don't have an online don't be an influencer don't have social media like just be a normal person be nobody don't make your life about posting content like I'm doing it and I think that some people like are cut out for the job and I think I'm that person I'm self-aware that there's a place in this planet for everybody you know a job for everyone and I know that

while I say like yeah I don't have social media and all that I'm just I'm just recognizing that that's a that's like a bold thing to do in 2020 it's like shit you know what I mean like respect that because those people probably have a lot less mental health issues than we do and they're just like they're in the moment man I feel like those are the most present people the most present people are the ones without any social media and they're just like not even phased by anything on their phone they're like getting text messages and phone calls and that's it they're reading in the newspaper. Respect to that. But I wrote this. Becoming nobody. I wrote, ignore me. I don't want to influence you. I don't want to be an example for you to follow. I don't want to sell

you anything. I don't want to give you advice. I don't want you to follow me. I want you to ask yourself questions. I want you to listen to your intuition. I want you to become self-actualized. I want you to discover what works for you I want to you I want you to live your own life follow yourself that's that's a little becoming nobody poem but the the message behind that is like what I've been saying is just go within tune back the fuck into yourself social media is not in my opinion the best forward progression uh humanity took in the 21st century like this is the best we can do you know what I mean like we it's I do realize like I've said before it's like this weird big bang you know you got technology combining with the human flesh

and everyone's got a phone in their hand now at some point there's some sort of technology that's going to be a part of us shout out narrow link that's just the little matchstick firing and it's the beginning of something but I think like I said it's not the best forward progression because I'm a boomer right now and I'm like I'm annoyed by social media and I won't shut the fuck up about it and I won't get to the Q&A because I keep ranting about this but um yeah it sucks like it really sucks our intuition out of ourselves and there's a there's a spectrum there of people that are in deep with it like myself that are really addicted to their phones and it's their it's their it's part of their life um you know all day long which I'm pretty sure like honest to god like if

you're listening right now you're probably in that category I'm just assuming people are like they're on their phones a lot um yeah so that's where I'm at I'm like I have a lot of thoughts I have a lot of thoughts about social media and what I want to see and honestly I tweeted this the thing is I go on my time hop a lot it's my app that shows me like old tweets from the day like uh I think like if I read it right here it would say something I wrote if you're eating a sandwich and the insides are falling falling out that's fundamentally a bad sandwich I wrote that like six years ago but yeah I go to my time hop and one of the things I wrote a while ago was like I wish I wish social media was one thing one app it's like okay it's

2020 we're in this bitch for the long haul like we're social media is it we did it everyone's an online avatar of themselves everyone is on social media it's like that's how you communicate with your grandma now back home that's how you communicate with your friends like that's it so can we just have a like one I'm thinking of like one application one app let's say it's Instagram and boom, that's it. That's where all of your social media lives. You don't have to bounce around between Twitter. Like what's this person tweeting? Bounce around to TikTok or Facebook or Snapchat or whatever. Like it's all one, your profile, your, who you are as a person in the internet world and social media is on one app. So you don't have to go and bounce around

all day because I don't know does anyone else get confused you'll be like the amount of times this happens to me this is fucked up my brain is fried but I'll be like half okay I'll google search some google search something and then I'll like search it and then I'll go back to my home screen like go to an app but then I'll like forget what I was I was trying to google search and do something and so like I totally get sidetracked it's like when you walk into the room you forget while you're there does anyone get that with their phone like why the fuck am I on this app right now what was I gonna search I do that with Amazon all the time where I'll be like on the Amazon app I just thought about something I want to search and then I forget what it was so then I'll go back and

then it does you know I will say gotta be a little uh you know I'm proud I'm proud of my brain right now I always seem to like remember at some point in that little scrolling session like what that was I was gonna look up because you know what it is something I will go back to like an app like if I go back to Instagram or or whatever it will remind me of what I was going to go search on Amazon and then I'll like get it and it's so my my trains of thought are so all over the place on my phone it's scary but I think it's it's cool it's like okay the human brain is definitely evolving like we're going through like this crazy evolution right now because like I was saying I don't think it's the best forward progression for humanity in 20 you know in the 21st century but I

feel like it's the way it is can't fight reality whatever but I do think that um we're just our we're part of this crazy evolutionary time right now it's like never in history man has it been this like intense with like how many like our our brains are really like at their peak of processing information. And it's going to go even deeper once you start getting little chips in there eventually. And Christ, it's insane. You guys know, like I've had, I have a lot of thoughts about evolution and stuff. Um, I actually got some good feedback from, I doubt he's even listening to this, from a very prominent person with a similar mindset as me. I told him to watch my story and he did, and he gave me a little pump back, a little paragraph about it. But I do have

the thought that, um, maybe I think, does anyone know who I'm talking about? You might, if you listen to, well, you, I don't know, but, um, I'm not a name dropper. I will never be a name dropper. I think it's so annoying when people do that, but I'm just saying like, it's kind of flattering fucking cool sometimes when a certain person responds to my DMs and like we go, we have conversations, but, um, that's my little ego talk and I just feel cool. Okay. Whatever. Let me have this moment, I should, maybe I should do, like, I should expose myself, like, who am I in the DMs with, I'm fucking nobody, dude, like, I'm literally, like, I'm not, like, that's what's, like, flattering about it, I'm, like, what the fuck, okay, so, but I had a story, I don't know, like, a couple months ago

where I was talking about, like, I feel like at some point, like, in evolution, you know, how we're, there's like we're human beings right now like we look like humans and then there's we still have like apes around they're still here at the same time as us meaning like they never evolved like they got they we evolved you know when you see the little diagram of like the ape that turns into a man what's confusing to me is like why didn't all of them evolve to be a human like I guess that in my head it sort of makes sense like oh yeah well like some of them didn't but here's what my brain thought it's like okay I feel like what's happened my conspiracy my little theory about this is like back however many years ago

some sort of like time traveler crew popped down here and they were humans from the future meaning us like think about us this is why it's weird I get like in this um it's like inception or it's like this uh like when I think of time and evolution it freaks me out I'm like because we're we're evolved from like a species that's okay I'm like overthinking this right now my point is that I feel like the time travelers like pop down let's say they're aliens from like a new dimension or whatever popped down back in the day and so yes there are still apes there we're basically progressed apes but like from the future I don't know how to explain this it makes sense if you watch my story you probably remember what I was talking about but yeah I got

some good feedback from a cool person that was like yeah I fucking I agree the more he would I could read what he said oh man I'm like being like no this is dumb but it was cool I was like that's uh that's fucking how i see it he wrote the more time goes on the more i think we're probably the product of accelerated evolution that's why we're so different from every other primate and so much more advanced yeah that's the gist of it when i wrote it seems like our obsession obsession with space exploration is wired in because we subconsciously know we don't belong here that's my little thought like we don't fit in the epiphany i had about this i was on tiktok and i was looking at

videos insane videos of these these like apes or monkeys or gorillas like i don't really know the species exactly but i was like why can animals all communicate with each other but we can't like we can't break through that's why it feels like we're not from here like think about it your dog and cat bitch at each other all day in their house, and they all know, they know what's up, they know what's going on, and there's, those are two different animal species, those are two species, two species, species, this, I never, I haven't dived into the Q&A yet, this podcast is getting deep, but I'm having thoughts, I'm having thoughts, I'm getting it out, this is a great podcast, I'm going to recommend number eight for the rest of time, okay, this is a good one,

but I'm getting you guys into my brain and how I think is like you know we're hanging out you're you know we're just we're just chilling right now and you guys are getting to know me so whatever this is good information so that your dog and cat can communicate with each other but you have no fucking clue what they're talking about for example like the hamster in the cage if you got a little uh hamster pet the cat and the hamster talk to each other but why can't we break through to that that's what confuses me I'm like that is the code that hasn't been cracked I'm like if a genie asked me like oh yeah you have a wish or whatever my biggest dream in this lifetime is to talk to animals like and it's bullshit when you say oh yeah I talk to my dog

all the time like I'm saying like you understand like their thought process like you under they can actually verbalize hey this dog feed you're feeding me every day is shitty I'd like some new food I've been getting this for the last eight years I'm sick of it like I want the dog to be able to I want I want that kind of communication and like even think about like other animals out there like um that like on the safari think of all those different species there and then it's like they're all you know what I mean got the antelope bitching with the cheetah like a fucking don't today you bitch don't kill me today thank you for letting me go the other day but today please I you know like today I'd really appreciate you uh keeping your mouth off my neck you know

what I mean like what the fuck why can they all talk to each other but we can't so that trips me out and then I felt like oh my god why am I going into this this is what some of you guys wanted from a pot out of like when you guys dm me like oh you should do a podcast about this like this is the shit you guys want me to talk about. So given the people what they want, I'm catering to my audience. But the thing that I was thinking about is like, I wish, okay, so you know how, this is how I think of aliens. Okay, fuck, now I'm talking about aliens. But here's what I think about aliens so you know I mentioned how when it seems like we back in back in the day we popped out we like some time travelers went back and popped out on earth next to the monkeys and

all that shit and they were basically evolved monkeys right that's how we are now we're like evolved from that we already we already like that's the theory that's already existing but I feel like we it's weird we exist at the same time I do think that if time was to go on and on and on and on eventually the monkeys that are walking the planet with us today would become humans if that's how time works and if that's how evolution works right according to what science says science I don't know I'm an idiot I don't really understand this is how my brain thinks of it so my theory about aliens is like does anyone else think about this I feel like aliens are evolved humans like we are the apes to aliens think about that so what's kind of cool to me is

like because think of our our mental view of what an alien looks like big head big eyes little body the brain is obviously huge and when you think about this is why i have a conspiracy i feel like elon knows some shit he's on to something but i feel like if the trajectory we're on right now is uh exploring the brain expanding the mind infusing some sort of technology in there so we can google search anything with a thought i think over time the anatomy of the human being would be a giant head and look like an alien so my theory is that when we we've gotten these little little motherfuckers dropping out on the planet apparently people you know aliens are here everything's you know people really believe that and I and I I honestly do I think there's there's

some there's something to that but I kind of think that's how we did it like we went back to the we we traveled somehow from a different dimension I don't understand how it works fucking I don't know and we popped down with apes and it's like the aliens are doing that with us we're little apes and what's exciting about that is that if we hopped on their little jet and their little plane and went to their place we would be like we'd be like the little monkeys on their planet and how cool would that be to see their advanced civilization and like the stuff we assume aliens have like super like other technology be insane like that's what's cool and that's why i'm like does elon know some shit because he's trying to get us to fucking mars we think

there's martians which obviously just from our um the imaging we can we can do on mars there's not any shit there but it's kind of wild to think like our aliens just advanced like they are us in the future coming back and we went back from the future to the apes and they are going to eventually be us and time and time is fucking crazy so that's my theory and this podcast wasn't supposed to be about that but it turned into that but this is a great episode oh my gosh you know what's cool yesterday I got in my head about I didn't finish my coffee by the end of the episode I'm like yeah that's why yesterday's episode sucked I literally uh wrote the title as let me waste your time because the entire podcast I was like this podcast sucks and what I thought about

too i'm like you know how this is this is what's cool is like you know i'm in a good headspace about this podcast when i don't even know is seo a thing for podcast titles like can you do podcast um do podcasters purposely title their their shit with something that'll be easily searched so they can get found easier because literally let me waste your time as the podcast title yesterday is like or what was the other one like uh sexy ankles and forest fires like that's no one is searching that maybe they're searching forest fires maybe I don't know but it does that how is that how um is that how it works like searchability on the podcast apps I don't know but that's a that's a good thing about this is I don't have an objective objective of

like, there's no, like, underlying business objective here, I'm not trying to, like, I don't know, this is a hobby, like I said, this is my passion, I have discovered, and I'm so proud of myself, but yesterday was in my head, because, here, I'm talking about my coffee again, I was, like, I didn't finish my coffee, and that's probably why the episode sucked, but I'm proud of myself today, because I'm literally, literally looking at a half-drink iced Americano, or no, what did I get? An iced, I got an iced almond milk latte. That's usually my go-to. And I got 24 ounce at four shots and it's only half we drank, which is cool. Cause I just went deep with a conversation today and it went places. I'm looking at a St. Bernard. I'm looking at a

St. Bernard. I'm looking at like a really cute couple. God, she's beautiful. Wow. That's a really good looking couple. St. Bernard. He's, I don't recognize them. I think actually, no, I see her walking the dog all the time. I've never seen her, her boy. Oh yeah. That's a weird thought I had yesterday too. I'm like, oh, maybe I should talk about this on the podcast. I decided as a woman, like this is where I'm at as a woman coming into her own, who she's going to be I decided I don't want to be another hot girl on the internet there's enough of those you know what I mean there's enough like I just I want to I want people to be like I don't know I want to be known for my what I have to say and for my yeah I want my voice to be my thing I don't

want I just I just don't want to contribute to that pile that's already out there like there's enough hot girls on the internet I don't want to be in that category anymore I'm like I just want to I just don't and I'm self-aware here's the thing I'm not gonna sit here and be like oh well you know like I understand that I got good genetics whatever I got a decent looking face and so it's like hard for me sometimes because I'm like nobody like girls that are conventionally attractive and funny like people don't take seriously and that's a thing and it's annoying because I'm like dude do i just need to like i know my personality like if you just heard me you never saw what i looked like you'd probably be like she's this like rough chick with like short hair i don't know like what

i don't know if my like my personal struggle right now and here i am being like letting go of my stories and things that are embarrassing and things i'm ashamed of but my i feel like my struggle i've talked to my therapist about this so it's okay but it's like I feel like there's a disconnect between how I look and then like my how I talk and act sometimes like I have this because I think a lot of people like if you like I said if you just saw pictures of me for example and you didn't know my personality I feel like a lot of people that look similar to me and like their personalities are usually they this is such a judgment and such a like generalization but I don't feel like I said yesterday I feel like I'm not girly and I'm not

like I don't know like I don't but I look like I should be I think you know what I mean like look like I should be like more I think of the word sophisticated I don't know I feel messy I feel like an overthinker that's and I've got this like comedic sauce thing I do when I talk so it's a personal issue I have with myself I'm like okay but I'm not a pretender and I'm not a faker anymore that's the thing is I feel like when I've put on that kind of girly more polished you know light and fluffy personality in the past it was like a it was on purpose because I felt like if I was just like this how I am now how I talk today it's like people won't like me or people will think I'm like too much like a dude I guess I don't know I feel like um

I don't know does that make sense and I I got this from Whitney Cummings actually and I do feel like I'm her 10 years like we're she's like older than me she's like in her 30s but she I'm like looking at her and I'm like we are the same person you're just me in the future that's how I feel sometimes when I listen to her but I really relate to what she said about especially with dating and yes I will talk about that it's part of the Q&A people ask about dating dating advice she's talking about how like in her relationships in her 20s she would like shape shift I'm spitting she would shape shift and morph into the type of girl she thought her guy would want and I recognize that myself like I think in the past I would dumb myself down and be like a like a knockoff version

of who I really am which is what you're fucking getting now here in 2020 finally Jesus Christ finally took her this long to figure it out but I would I would I would like morph a little bit and I would I wouldn't speak up and say what's really on my mind and I would like kind of, I would just like be this meek little version of myself as a little woman. And you know what? I'm just going to say this. I'm going to fucking say it. Cause I think it's, I don't know if it's, I don't know if people realize this. And I think what happens is now they're 45 and they never thought about this. And so here, maybe this is helpful. I think with women that find themselves they're like constantly in relationships and and everything like for their whole life

they're just like relationship to relationship they never really have this time to like be on their own and really like find themselves I guess I think a lot of women and it's a it's like a it's a the dynamic between I'm talking about heterosexual relationships I'm talking about the male dominant female more submissive like vibes you know what I mean like the man is like like the tradition I was raised traditionally my viewpoint of like a heterosexual relationship is very traditional in fact I basically went through white wife training in a relationship I used to I was in where I was like the housewife and so I've done that I know what that's like and that's a relationship where I was like not speaking up against things that I

didn't like and I didn't set boundaries and I did whatever he wanted it was very toxic and um that's out of the goodness of my heart because I am a very and I I don't want to say like oh I identify as an empath I hate when people like have like I identify as a codependent empath but um I'm very nurturing and and motherly in nature and empathetic and so my role in a relationship is always like I'm not your fucking mom of course but I do enjoy like doing the housewife shit I do like I'll fucking wake up and make you breakfast like I love it it's like my it it genuinely makes me happy but um what I was where I was going with this is that I think women can go a lifetime like being under a man's in a man's shadow you know what I mean like

they're not really um it's not like a partnership where they're two developed souls that are like fully themselves and fully like boom it's like the woman is kind of always like tending to the man and like always kind of on his little um escapades of like you know his hobbies and whatnot and um she's just like along for the ride her whole life and that's really sad to me because I think and then a lot of women like they a lot of the stuff they do is to appeal to a man and I think like back in my social media journey um I think what happened to me is in the age I was starting to date and like you know attract men that's when social media came around so of course I was trying to put myself online as this like attractive girl

because that's what men were seeing when they were interested in me like your your Instagram's kind of like your dating profile and and I'll admit like I still like I keep it together with my fucking post most of the time with my like I don't I'm not just sitting there like chilling on the couch posting like shitty picture of myself like here and there you might see something like that but for the most part over the years like that's what kind of sucked is that Instagram was like a way for me to like show the best version of myself because I was dating people and I wanted to come across attractive and you know it's like it's a competitive world out there but like you know like there's so many girls on the internet and it's like hard to compete and

so I felt like I had to look a certain way and put myself out there like that but in return it's like if I started out like this from the the beginning and just like shot the shit and said it like it is and did whatever the fuck I wanted and I wasn't in my head about like if I was too bold for a man like I finally am like fuck it this is what you're gonna get if you're dating me so like why would I ever not show this part of myself that's what I'm trying to inspire in those listening like if you're a girl out there listening like stop giving a fuck so much like you know just like just there's more I'm sick of like people's I think a lot of people ride there they let their their look they ride on their looks their whole life because they're

attractive and they they can get away with that and I'm pushing myself I'm like I'm aware I'm attractive I'm aware that's part of who I am whatever but I'm not riding on that I'm pushing myself it's hard it's honestly as like a woman it's hard and that's why I was having an issue um when I was the reason I brought this up is because I've been conflicted like do I need like literally this is where I'm at I'm like I have to be so bad I'm like do I need to change my look up and be like like grosser so my and like do I need to like like not put on makeup anymore and just like let my hair go to shit and so then my this because to me this is what's so fucked up and it's probably because of social media and like uh and everything

you know how like this is the thing the way girls talk online that I think I should sound like is like hi guys welcome back to the podcast I hope you're having a great day so today I want to talk about um I have this new really cute um purse I got at Nordstrom like that's how I think I'm supposed to sound because of social media and so to me like to be attractive and to be like a normal girl like you have to kind of fucking be like that and that's not me being me and that's why I think this is the thing my theory about that voice and what I just did is it's a learned behavior it's parroting if you know anything about like autistic kids when they're they're developing when they're younger they parrot i was literally watching a video of a girl yesterday

doing a british accent as like a two-year-old because she watched british peppa the pig or something and she was acting out that same voice and that's how i feel like we as women have evolved because of shit online everyone has that voice you know what i mean that influencer voice and whatever like I don't think this is my theory about it is I don't think that's natural I don't think it's natural I'm calling it out I'm like do you actually sound like that or is that because of like you're you're trying to be feminine and appealing so you talk like that so it's like you know it's like cute and it's part of my personality and you know like fits with my fucking aesthetic fuck it I don't know maybe am I being judgmental do people actually

talk like that I do think I have a brash is that a word I have like a rougher voice when I'm really just letting my hair down which is what this is all about I am so sick of putting on a little act and shape-shifting and trying to be like keeping up with the Kardashians keeping up the girls on Instagram like like I said there's enough of them I'm not bitter or jealous it's like I support that I'm like do you but on my little journey here I cannot I I am being a fraud I'm not showing up as who I truly authentically am if that's all I'm putting if I'm just like playing that game and I want you know ask yourself questions be curious because if you're being really honest with yourself if you're like kicking it back being like raw are you

comfortable in your skin and are you are you is is how you show up online in alignment with like when you're just like on the phone with your mom you know what I mean that's what this year has taught me like get curious about your behavior get curious about your habits and ask questions and unpack stuff and that's what I'm doing with the therapist I think that's why I'm on this little rant right now but I get curious about things and I'm like okay what's going on there so on that note we're gonna um I'm gonna do a little Q&A right now um and we're gonna go into the Instagram questions all right I'm looking at the questions here I had you guys ask on the gram I did a little story um by the way I just took a break some of the energy is lower right now

cause I had to go be TMI. Um, but yeah, the question I mentioned earlier, someone asked about dating advice and then are you a good, good kisser? Well, I don't know if I'm a good kisser. I feel like you just have to find that out yourself. So line them up boys. Like, I don't know. Like people say that, but then it's, it's all very, it just depends. You know what I mean? Like I think kissing is so like, um, yeah, like I feel like, yeah, um, you know, I've been around the block, like, I'm, that's, like, a weird phrase to say about kissing, but, yeah, I feel like, I think so, I don't know, like, I've been told, like, if you're told that, it's probably true, I don't know, dating advice, pretty much what I talked about on this entire podcast, like,

be yourself like don't have any don't play small and like don't hide parts of yourself to like appeal to the other person at first like just come out of the gates like completely like this is me in two years if we're hanging out gets that comfy level you know what I mean like be comfy at first be real comfy be really comfy that's the thing be comfy go into the date I every time my sister she goes on a lot of first dates well not a lot but the one she has um Julia I'm exposing yourself sorry exposing you right now but she gets nervous and she'll call me she'll be like I'm so nervous I'm like literally go on dates and just approach it like hey I'm meeting my best friend and just like go hang out don't be like I think it's normal to get butterflies and get nervous and I still do

but there's a piece of me that's like I'm in the driver's seat we don't know each other this is a it's a it's a fun we'll have a great conversation uh we get to you know just get to unpack little facts about ourselves for the next whatever however many hours actually I could go into one of the dates I had that was literally like a 24 hour experience. And he's definitely not listening. If he is, holy shit. What a weird ending. Um, that was earlier this year before the virus hit. It's weird. Dating is weird. Dating is weird. Uh, dating advice. Yeah. Be yourself. It sounds like cliche, all the things, but, uh, work on yourself first. Do the work. Don't, rely on another person to fill the voids within yourself that's so cliche but it's so true like

figure your shit out uh if that if that requires therapy if that requires a lot of alone time and and um really write out like write I'm a big um advocate or whatever I tell like I think writing is very good for like working your shit out and like putting on paper who you are what you stand for what is unique about you all that stuff like you I think the best relationships are two people that are um yeah I believe yes you can be a little broken and come together and be a whole in a way like you can you can come together and work on yourself on you can work on your on yourselves together as long as you're on the same page about that but for the most part you should have the self-awareness that like I'm not perfect I'm working on myself and as long as I'm in this

relationship I'm going to continue to do that and do it independently of you and you're going to do that independently of me and we're going to be on this little team together um because it's it's a probably it's a it's a stretch and to reach to say that you should start you should look for or you should um consider being in a relationship when you're complete because that's never the case like everyone's always you know they're they're working they're working on themselves they're always learning and growing. And, um, I do feel like I'm in that stage where, uh, I'm not a hundred percent. Yeah. I'm not a hundred percent, but compared to where I've been in the past, I'm completely like, because I've done all the, I've done a lot of work. I'm

completely aware of like my flaws and the shit I need to work on. And now when I enter relationship that's out on the table and I I'm not gonna figure that out halfway through the relationship and be like oh shit this didn't work out because I wasn't proactive about working on myself in this area like I just kept the behavior up I kept doing this thing and then or they did and then it didn't and I wasn't addressing it so yeah that's what I have to say about dating advice um I'm not like the fucking expert I'm really not I'm like I mean you shouldn't take dating advice from a single person that's what I always say like don't get advice from people that are in long long-term relationships I don't know that's probably

stupid to say but um I'm not messy and chaotic I will say that like I think part of something I'm I don't know if this is like oh I'm proud about it or whatever but I've been super independent pretty much for like the last for my adulthood thus far um throughout my growing up years here And I never got sucked into like drama and like quick relationships and getting like attached. I don't know, like getting attached to people and like the adrenaline of like dating and all that stuff. Like I didn't really, I don't know, because I may, it's like the whole like, oh, I'm a hopeless romantic and hookup culture. but I do identify as that type of person where I'm like, I'm, my brain is just very traditional and it's very, it like wants, um, one thing. And I know kind of like deep down what I'm

really looking for underneath it all. Because yeah, like I dabbled in a lot of like types of relations, not like, yeah, like types of, um, dating styles and stuff. And at the end of the day I think you know whether we want to read the all the books that are like yeah we're not meant for one person like it's really hard for my brain to unlearn that and like to try to be fully accepting and open of that because I don't understand how people do open relationships I'm just like a basic bitch I'm like I just want a guy like one guy at a time anyways uh that was a question from I don't know if I should say your name do you want me to say your name I should keep it anonymous um let's call him Steve he asked me to dating advice

there you go do you know wait but why what's an interesting question um I don't so I'm gonna google it right now we're gonna get on the little google together wait but why I have no clue what that means my dumb ass wait but why is a website founded by tim urban and andrew finn and written and illustrated by urban the cover the site covers are what i'm gonna go on the website here get a little more coffee in me you guys probably hate it when i drink coffee i'm chewing on ice now okay wait but why is a website wait wait but why.com new post every sometimes it says it's got little uh stick figure men all over it that's interesting

I don't know is this like a meme site I don't know what this is is this like a thing does anyone out there know what this is because I feel like I'm out of the loop here. About. Let's go to the about page. Okay. Responsibilities. Tim Urban. He is, I don't know, draw stick figures. This is really like not my thing. I don't know like, is this, oh, there's a store. Let's see. I can go shopping. Just what I don't like to do um what the hell they're all blurry oh there's like stuffed animals oh this is kind of cool 90 what a wbw plushie bundle pack for 90 bucks oh it's on sale 14 off who the fuck does 14 off there's cute t-shirts i do like t-shirts and like merch that's fun that's kind of like

what i'd wear if i was a little kid i do i do appreciate the merch on this site a Christmas greeting card. Love that buttons. Wait, but why I do, I, I think I get embarrassed. Like, am I supposed to know what this is? Okay. I don't, but great question. Um, I'll call you Lionel, like Lionel Richie. I don't want to say your name. People don't fucking care. You guys are probably like, you want, you probably want to be called out and like, you want me to shout you out is like honestly like you guys are if you dm me and stuff like i'm just considering you all my best friends like you should just be established on this podcast is like you your name should be like people it'll if you dm me i should call you out and then it's like you're part of the the

podcast gang if i say your name you know what i mean like over time people will be like oh yeah like steve steve's question this week or whatever um i do i do think like there's a podcast i used to follow called Coffee with Crachel and it was Rachel Whitehurst and Chris Hubbard and they're a couple and they lived in Seattle and I loved their podcast they did it like a weekly one and they had a Patreon so people supported the podcast podcast through Patreon and then at the end of each episode they would do oh it was so fun and I never I never I should have signed up for it was like I could have paid like five bucks a month or something to like support them but um it was fun because at the end of every episode they they had like a theme of like they would say your name and

then like whatever the theme was of the week like what your character in Farmville or whatever would be like they would like make a little scenario with your name and it was so fun and they'd have like 20 people so at the end of the podcast they tell little stories about each person so like I said before it's it freaks me out to run ads on this because I'm like I don't want to promote fucking here buy this shit buy this shit and I doubt like honestly I doubt if I was to give you guys some sort of discount code or whatever you guys want to use it unless it's like a Postmates freebie um so I'm like how and at the end of the day I don't need to make my money from the podcast that's not how it's gonna happen uh like I'm not I'm not like oh my gosh

this podcast needs to supply an income for me because like I'm relying on it because that's not the case so it's just fun right now and but anyways I'm thinking like in the future it'd be kind of fun if you guys like hypothetically let's say I had a patreon you guys um get would get a shout out or something and I could have like a whole like I could paint a picture about you that's like how I think of you just from like not knowing you at all but only seeing like your profile picture and like the dms you sent me that's the thing here's some dating advice do not do not have a private profile don't I can't tell you how many guys will slide in and they'll be like like okay I did it the other day

someone wanted me to follow them back really bad actually he asked one of the questions and I'm like okay well I don't just follow anyone like I have a lot for my job recently just like part of what I do but um I like it when people have public profiles I'm like it's just hard like I feel like an asshole sometimes I'm like I'm like a guy wants me to see his profile and I'm like what I'm supposed to follow him to see it and I have to like you know request and accept it then I feel like an asshole it's like okay well I just don't do I don't play that game anymore I just tell people make their profile public because how am I supposed to know what you look like if I vibe with you and what you post if you're private you know it's just like who gives a fuck it's 2020

nothing's private stop like maybe it's for your job and whatever but and maybe you have stalkers um oh my gosh should I go over my stalking routine that's another thing that I think no one it's like an unspoken thing that everyone has like a stalking routine of like who they're going to whose profiles are clicking um like you know what I mean does anyone else have that like everyone muted but I still have a stalking mission every day if you go to my search like you know when you go to the search part of Instagram it gives me anxiety if someone has to get my phone and click that because it shows all the people i stalk which it's not that bad i was on mcdonald's oh travis scott i was trying to see

the new thing at mcdonald's he's doing the travis scott meal it's fucking weird does anyone even i love mcdonald's coffee i know i've talked about that okay back to the q a this podcast i keep proclaiming as the best one ever and i feel like the rails are fucking coming off the train train tracks um my mom hi mom she asked me how's my one and only Jacqueline doing mom I'm doing great I don't think you've ever seen me so like doing this well all year my mom is my biggest cheerleader literally she came and visited me this summer for my birthday and my sister and her basically had a little mini intervention with me they're like Jacqueline you need to get your shit together. And I was like, yeah, I know. And now I'm doing it. And so I even felt like my

gratitude has been overflowing lately. And I know it's annoying when people talk about gratitude journal and I like talk, I, you know, it's important to be grateful, but for real, like I had this weird ass night the other night where, and I, and I texted the family cause I was like, I'm so grateful you guys came and bitched me out basically because I needed to hear that. And I feel like I've never been, I've been so much kinder and so much happier lately because of what they had, um, brought up with me. And I was like, thank you. Cause sometimes you need to hear it in your family.

Sometimes can, they can really straighten you out if you listen to them and if you respect their opinions, because, um, sometimes you just need to hear it. And so, yeah, I'm, I'm not ashamed of that. I think I'm proud that I am working on myself now really taking what they said seriously because I do feel so much lighter and so much like nicer I just feel like a nice person right now I think I was really depressed and angry and just annoyed at the world and it was really coming out and how I was treating them and I don't want to be like that I don't want to be I don't want to be a shitty person because I and I don't want to be a fake and be like I'm this little sunshine

perfect person all the time because that's not real life like everyone has their days and but I am like I am a little teddy bear I'm a little golden retriever like I'm such a good friend I'm such a loyal person I fucking like I'm not I don't have like a fight to pick with anything really I'm like just live your life let's have fun let's enjoy this time together because you know what it's 2020 is really making me wake up to the fact that you better get the most out of every day because you don't know what tomorrow's bringing you really don't fucking smoke smoke is what tomorrow's bringing that's what I'm looking at right now that hazy sky and I'm just grateful that it's not as bad as Oregon

in Washington so yeah back to mom's question uh doing great honestly I really feel like I'm coming up from like the pit I was in not the top yet I think the top will be Christmas time when I come home because I do think that after like that many months I'll be back to normal um but I honestly think mom my antidepressants are working I think it's contributing to this my therapist thinks so too my doctor or whatever I don't know what I've got is it I know I have a doctor but it's like therapist psychologist psych psychologist psychiatrist therapist it's all the same to me I don't know I'm someone to know about my conspiracy theories uh basically what I just talked about I guess about how the time traveling and not really time traveling but

my thought about how aliens are us evolved so like we are the aliens and then we don't think we're from here because we're subconsciously trying to like build aircraft to get to space because we know we know we're not from here and we also know we're not from here because we can't fucking talk to any animals and we don't really fit in with the environment we just destroy it and we constantly bilge it all over it and like look what we're doing now it's like so many people so much fucking concrete like shit everywhere and the animals are all like dude what the fuck that was my home that was my tree and you just cut it down it's like we don't it's like avatar the movie avatar which I'm still shook by

like every time I think about avatar I'm like oh my god I remember sitting in that IMAX movie theater with my family and that was like my first DMT experience before having my first DMT experience like the first time my first time I saw avatar well I just said that wow sorry mom whatever shit it's cool it's all good that's probably contributing to why I'm this fucking relaxed and comfortable with myself now is because of a lot of the um substances that I've done over my lifetime but uh yeah first time I saw avatar it like really makes you realize now like they were like one with this ecosystem and nature and like the mother tree and all that and i look at us humans it's like this foreign object here that's

building a civilization that doesn't vibe with the natural world it's this that's what freaks me out like what happened the fucking industrial revolution is that when When I think about how, this is the longest podcast ever, fuck it. When I think about how accelerated technology and everything has become over the last hundred years, it's as if we're operating at a speed that doesn't fit the planet and like what's natural. that's why I say I feel like we're not fucking from here and so we're operating as if we're aliens that came down here and then we're doing what we know industrial revolution like that seems like the the that's really when shit started popping off and here's the other thing you want to you know this is a question I'm doing I'm doing my Q&A right now but I'm riffing I'm kind of going all over the place but I do feel like the weird shit I can't comprehend is the the the

the um is the pyramid times and the dinosaur times and all that stuff like i don't understand how that stuff was constructed it freaks me out it doesn't make sense um and how apparently we can't emulate that and and we don't have the ability to reproduce a pyramid today like with art it doesn't make sense the fact that shit's lined up with the stars like my whole point is it seems as if whatever's going on out in outer space there's something to it and there's something to time and like like physical people like people consciousness it's I'm going into a rabbit hole here but there's some sort of discrepancy or something going on here it doesn't seem to make sense and that's why when I hear people bitching about climate change and

how we're destroying the world and stuff it's like yeah because I don't think like the fucking animals if we just existed in harmony with everything else um then I don't think we would be doing we wouldn't be like at this point and there's something deeper going on here on another level about like the human um like the human ego and how there's some sort of like hierarchy with power and like how we're the dominant species on the panel we're like the one that rose species i can't this whole fucking podcast has been going between species and species depends how much saliva is in my fucking mouth whether i get like gross with it and say species or species but it seems like there's a hierarchy here and a food chain and my whole life I've just assumed

like yeah we're at the top like whatever we we were the you know we we were it's survival of the fittest and we got to the top somehow we evolved here but I'm still looking around at these monkeys and I'm like why didn't they ever do it too why are they still furry and looking like that why didn't they why didn't why did they stick around and we evolved like it doesn't make sense so yeah that's my conspiracy theory I don't want to do all the questions I feel like I talked a lot on this episode so if I was to do another Q&A what I'll do is oh there goes my second positive affirmation does this mean this podcast was two hours fuck it's 11 now that I okay my clock is still an hour behind I don't know what happened because I didn't do daylight savings and I think

it's just like maybe it's not my timer yeah whatever but I just had my second positive affirmation go on but anyways what I was saying is if I really took my Q&A Friday podcast seriously I would just dive in at the start with the Q&A from Instagram because it overwhelms me because now I have like fucking like 50 questions here that I'm like if I kept going I'll talk for way too long this podcast will be too long so I need to get to work I need to get this podcast up I think this was a really good one. I feel like I'm getting better every episode. I'm proud of myself. I'm still looking at my coffee. I haven't drank at all. I'm like, shit, I just really pulled that off. Um, but yeah, one last peek at my notes here. I hope you guys enjoyed that by the way.

I'm like, I hope. Go look it back we ask because that's the word of the day. Um, can't think of anything else I said DM me where you listen to this if you're uh working out listening if you're around the house I'm curious um but yeah next time I'll go through all the questions right off the bat so that I don't drag it on this long one last look at the notes yeah you guys are really like I feel like you're, I just want to thank you for being here. Um, we're all learning and growing together. You know what I mean? Like we're all just on this little journey and you're really growing up with me. You know, I feel like it's so true that we're all just little kids still. And, um, you know, I'm really discovering that your twenties is this second childhood. No one tells

you about and I'm really really accepting now of the fact that I've done a lot of this shit alone all year man I've been just Jacqueline isolation quarantine and it's been the best thing for me it's really bringing out the best in me and this podcast is a result of a lot of thinking time and a lot of sitting with myself and tapping into my truths and accepting that this is who I am and I'm ready to share with the world and I'm ready to take you guys on this little fucking life journey with me and I'm excited for the future I'm really yeah I'm trying to stay present apparently you're supposed to stay present that's what everyone says but I'm a dreamer I'm a big thinker I'm a deep thinker

and I'm I have something to look forward to now every day I'm looking at the cutest Volkswagen blue bus so California hi ADHD I always say hi ADHD I really should get tested but it's distracting me right now it's pulling out it's going down the road cutest little thing it's definitely like um it's most California looking little bus Volkswagen and then I got a guy walking his husky he's got a little muffin top but he's out there he's working it no judgment fuck yeah no shirt proud of that is that's what's up who gives a fuck oh my gosh can I say one more thing that just randomly popped in my head oh my fucking god okay two things wait this podcast is so long I mentioned earlier did I talk about like a cat

and a dog and a hamster okay then I had a thought while I was saying that that I did a science project in middle school where I put a rat a mouse and a hamster through a race through a maze and that was the whole project to see like which one would figure it out the best and the quickest so I was gonna have them all like individually go through the track and then I would time them so get this fucking like an hour in to bringing the rat and everything home the rat the mouse the hamster an hour in I hear like a death scream in my mud room which is where the little maze thing was and their cages I hear fucking death scream and this hamster is just mutilated and the rat had eaten it and like killed it so I had this dead hamster to deal with and I don't know

the mouse was chilling the mouse was probably definitely traumatized from that seeing the rat do that and um so then I had this rat and mouse and then that's what the project became it's like fuck the hamster well whatever it's gone now so then it was like who's who's smarter the rat or the mouse how fucked up is that so that was my science project I think it was seventh grade I don't know I miss like science project days um but then the other thought I had is okay so I know like I don't want to end this on like oh let's talk about fucking bodies and weight and shit but I know I've mentioned like I've put on some weight over the last year, and it's whatever, um, I do think part of, I was in this situation, honestly, like,

I'll just be really vulnerable right now, where, um, I was in a, just a, not a good relationship, and I feel like it kept me from eating, like, that's really deep, but, like, it made me, like, I had so much, um, like, when I get really, like, fight or flighty, like, adrenaline rushy, I can't eat and when I don't sleep I don't have an appetite so that happened a lot in that time and so yeah I think in the last year I've just my body's kind of just settled back down and I'm like fine with it it's whatever but you know I did come across and part of like being a woman is it's just like the way it is you know like you're aware of your body and how it looks and it's just like you know what instead of fighting it I fucking feel it I vibe with it I'm like you

know what I like looking good makes you feel good I don't want to sit here and like uh try to pretend that's not the case I don't want to promote that like it just trust me like show me any morbidly obese 400 pound person am I being controversial right now and insensitive is this like okay literally and this is why I'm proud I'm no like I'm not proud but I'm I'm excited like maybe I don't know how many people listen to this but like I'm nobody this could probably get me canceled in 10 years if someone listened to this back but I don't give a fuck this is me being truthful this is how I think and I think it's worth talking about because I'm using my voice it's free speech fuck it um but I don't think I think this needs to be said

so show me a woman who's like 600 pounds who wouldn't feel who who doesn't somewhere deep down wouldn't want to look hot as fuck in a bikini that's my that's my little line I say it's like that's a lie if you're like if you're like fuck I love being like this bedridden you know what I mean like that's I'm that's what I struggle with the body positive movement and I think I got sucked into it a little bit because like as I was gaining a little weight and it's not like I don't look I think it is I was the smallest I was so small a couple years ago and I just feel like I'm back to kind of my normal my normal size um but I kind of got sucked into that stuff where you know body positive like you know just love yourself and honestly didn't work

for me I don't think a lot of women talk about this I don't think it's talked about I think people are like supposed to support and love the body positive movement because they can like basically not take care of themselves and just be accepting of it because there's a whole fucking like tribe of people out there doing it too and I don't like that to me it's like I kind of got sucked into that and then I'm looking in the mirror like what the fuck I don't like like I don't know like it's not like I got super fat or anything but I just felt like I didn't feel like myself and I felt like I was lying to myself I'm like no I don't love how I look like that's why I'm totally comfortable like telling you guys that yeah I'm trying to lose it

I'm trying to work on that because I like myself at a certain size and I feel good in my skin and sexy and everything and I'd be lying if I said yeah I'm like super body positive and I think it's like super fun to be a little more curvy and stuff because that's not my truth and that's probably true for so many people they're probably like i love being voluptuous and beautiful and huge and everything and nobody wants to talk about the fact that i don't know like who said this i think it was brendan shop i think it was he's like girl stop eating like some like super bitchy thing like that nobody wants to talk about the fact like it's kind of like a lazy lifestyle to just like not give a fuck and not be self-disciplined I don't want to fat shame it's

not like I'm fat shaming it totally is someone would totally say that I am um but I'm saying like I'm sick and tired of seeing this body positive shit everywhere because at the end of the day it's like it fucked with my mental health and it didn't work for me it didn't it was like here's another group another I'm inundated now by a new thing called body positivity that didn't exist when I was like 10 years old and all of a sudden it's all over the fucking billboards and shit and all over my Instagram and it's like what happened is my mental health slid because I'm like okay I'm supposed to be okay with gaining weight but I'm really not I don't like being this bigger version of myself and so what the fuck and so now I'm like okay do what works for you you know

yourself you know you like to feel a certain way in your body and that's that's awesome that's amazing and don't fight that and don't um think women are lying to themselves it's like honestly to me it's like throwing in the fucking towel like never let yourself go never like you have one life you know what i mean like keep your shit together like i know it's superficial and so dumb to think that uh there's some sort of like value there's some sort of like social value or whatever to your body but that's a fucking true it is people that are attractive get they get for like it's just a thing think of all the fucking people you see online and stuff and hey if I'm in the industry I got a fucking face for radio here I gotta keep my face nice

I gotta keep writing tight for the fucking audio it's kind of a good it's honestly it's like a nice thing to just like talk and not have to like get sexy for the camera was that mean did I just offend someone out there I love you I'm sorry but I'm just talking out my truth of like the it didn't work for me okay I even did a vlog about this back in like fucking I don't know May when I was like shit I can't wait and I got sucked in the body positive movement and there's nothing wrong with wanting to look hot as fuck I am in this phase now where you know I was talking about how nothing's like new and shiny anymore and I'm so desensitized by shit I'm like I think now what's gonna be like visually inspiring to me

is just like getting back into shape getting chiseled and being like this is my new hobby it's like chiseling my body again I'm looking around everyone in San Diego here's fit and into fitness and stuff there's a little it's very concentrated down here just like it's a fit place and I enjoy it and I fucking love fitness I love being healthy I love feeling good man I love feeling good at the end of the day what does it come down to feeling good letting myself go a little bit and like chilling was not good because I didn't feel great I felt like meh I'm still kind of coming out of that too why did I talk about that now I'm judging myself because I really thought this was like the greatest episode ever and then I'm gonna

be self-conscious of how I ended it is this two hours fuck um but i do want to end it uh i'm not sorry for anything i said this is who i am this is my truth um stop being so fucking sensitive like i'm gonna sound like a fucking like 55 year old man right now but america has gotten so soft it has gotten so fucking soft and I'm annoyed that I even have to think about like constantly offending people if I come on here and use my voice like like I'm like I said I know I've got a career ahead of me because I'm willing to be hated I'm willing to be hated I'm willing to and I think once you cross that line with yourself

you're really willing to put yourself out there and say it how it is you got it fucking made girl you got it fucking made boy that's my observation about successful people is they all have haters and uh like i can't think of one that doesn't like who the fuck out there isn't hate okay david dobrik everyone loves him there's like there's those you know those people that everyone's like, like the rock, who hates the rock, you know what I mean, but for people like me, I think that you get your haters, you get them, but someone out there's fucking with this and vibing with it, and that's cool, and I, I always will say this too, because as much as I might say it like it is and speak my truth, as I've mentioned before, I am a very

like nurturing, loving person. I have like, my soul is pure. My heart is pure. I have good intentions. I don't want to hurt anyone, but it's really hard for me for whatever reason. I think this is my role in the world. This is my calling. It's like, for whatever reason, I've been given this uh brain to call shit out and ask questions and say what if and talk about it instead of keeping it to myself you know what I mean so I'm taking that risk with this podcast by doing that and um the risk of getting kicked back and people getting upset but like I said before if you're willing to be hated

you've got a career you've got one so on that note happy Friday let's have a moment of silence right here I'm being serious by the way makes me kind of emotional for all the people that died in 9-11

God bless her souls. That was the moment of silence. I don't know if that was long enough, but I did the best I could. And, um, yeah, I, I, as I always ended, I hope you're happy and I hope you're fulfilled and I hope that, um, you have a great weekend. Am I going to do a Saturday cast? Fuck yeah. Am I going to do a Sunday cast? That's my little weekend thing I do. Fuck yeah I am because I'm, I'm a daily podcaster. I'm going hard in the paint. I'm coming, coming for these hoes that are doing a weekly podcast, doing a daily one. I went really somber and sappy to like fucking bitchy and, and, uh, and, and loud right now. And I don't know how that happens, but sometimes my brain, it's just like flip-flops. Okay. Am I psychopath? I've been told in the

toxic relationship I was in that I was I had psycho tendencies the fucking person I was with was a narcissist and that's that's not okay so I can have highs and lows I can talk in circles I can do whatever the fuck I want this is who I am that's not psychotic okay you're just uncomfortable by a woman with opinions and a bold personality and I'll say this I don't think he's listening I'm funnier than you okay fucking funnier and that's my little ego talk right there and I get fired up but I think that's what rubbed in the wrong way I'm such a bitch oh my god do you ever like literally I'm so like fuck it I don't care I think that was the issue and that's why like I'm pissed off that I like now I'm talking this is what I need to talk to my therapist about my

relationship issues but like I feel like the thing that's hard for me in relationships is like I am the entertainer I'm always the entertainer and so I don't think some guys like if the girl is like funnier than them and I've seen this happen a lot of my relationships I feel like the guys are like it's like too much they're like what the fuck I think if you're funny you know it you fucking know it and I'm not ashamed of admitting that and enough funny people like actually funny like they have a fucking career around being funny have told me I'm funny to like go okay if they're saying it it must be true fuck it I don't care so that's where I'm at I didn't mean to be like bitchy at the end there have a great weekend I'll talk to you tomorrow

and uh um dm me okay fuck five star review just you don't have to write anything just do the five stars and send it. That'd be cool. I have to say this. I have to take this sort of seriously, right? I don't know. I'm just copying what other people do. Some copycat. Five star review. DM me where you listen to the podcast. Have a great weekend. I hope you're happy. I hope you're fulfilled. Yeah. Okay. That's all I've got today, guys. All right. I hate ending this. Okay. Bye.