The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - 13: Epiphany

Episode Date: March 20, 2022

I have had an epiphany.Are you looking to have an epiphany also? Consider joining the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan Sailing Club patreon: http://patreon.com/jdfmccann Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! and I'm here to tell you about the new Google Pixel 9 powered by Gemini. Anyone who knows me knows the Pixel has always been my favorite out of all the phones I've ever had. Now, with Gemini built in, it's basically my personal AI assistant. Since I'm truly terrible at keeping up with emails,

I use Gemini to give me summaries of my inbox, which is a lifesaver. And if I'm feeling stuck creatively, I just ask Gemini for help, and bam! Instant inspiration. You can learn more about Google Pixel 9 at store.google.com. Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. I have had an epiphany. Epiphany. Epiphany.

I have had an epiphany. Epiphany. I have seen a new truth from a new angle. Epiphany. I have had an epiphany. On today's episode, I will be discussing the epiphany. That's really item of business number one, is to tell you what the epiphany was and how it happened. Item of business number two is how I plan on using that epiphany for the benefit of this podcast.

And item number three, I will be actually using the epiphany. And we'll see how that goes. One, two and three. Yes, it's the epiphany. Epiphany. Let us begin the meeting. Item number one, here's my epiphany. Last night, I went to the beach with my family and with another young family.

Four adults, four small children, running around, gallivanting, just having a wonderful time down at the beach. Ah, it was really, the weather was perfect, the sky was clear. You've never had a better day. You've never had a better day. I don't know you, but I'll wager you've never had a better day. You've never had a better day. I don't know you, but I'll wager you've never had a better day. It was really sensational. We took all the children up on the Ferris wheel. They had a Ferris wheel by the beach.

And me and the other dad, we took the kids up, four kids, two adults. They said we couldn't have eight people in there. And I said, really? But they said we couldn't have eight people in there and i said really but um they said six maximum and i said look two of these people are infants they're one and the lady said no it's not safe it's not safe only six and i'm there thinking do you know how much more dangerous it is to have quick math four kids and two adults than four adults and four kids? I mean... Come on.

I don't think we're going to breach the weight limit. Come on. The three adults I'm with are all very skinny. You probably let six big fat adults all sit on here. Come on, folks. But, I mean, the four children don't add up to one adult anyway. I digress. That was not the epiphany.

That was an epiphany. Let us on. Come on. So we go around the Ferris wheel and we have a nice time, like a non-epiphany nice time. It was a really lovely time. Later in the day though, when we've had some ice cream by the beach and it's the sun starts to set, right? Such a beautiful sunset, a tremendously beautiful sunset. And there was actually a catamaran on the beach. There's a service that a man offers that I didn't know about. I didn't expect to see a catamaran. I just said, hey, everybody, there's a catamaran. And then I'm talking to everybody there. You know, everybody know I have a podcast about a catamaran? Have I spoken about that enough yet? Have I bored everybody with... Anyway, so that's happening.

And I'm looking out at this beautiful beach with the sunset and the catamaran and the infinity. And really, I had a... This is an epiphany before the epiphany, but it was so beautiful that I went, Oh, I get how people worship that. I get how people invent sea gods like Poseidon because you see something like that. And it's just so beautiful. And then I turn back around, and the Ferris wheel is behind me, and I look up into the Ferris wheel, and the Ferris wheel, which is now a bit darker, it's neon. It's all lit up in neon, and it's

advertising a gas company, and a commercial radio station has put the um you know their branding all over the ferris wheel and i think oh yeah that's commercialism like that obviously in whatever um experience i'm now having whatever you know mystical whatever seeing symbols everywhere i've just seen sublimity and that's now behind me. I've just turned my back on the sublime and in front of me is gaudy neon commercialism of the neon Ferris wheel. Quite nice commercialism. We had a good time on it other than being unable to go up. Oh, it's not easy looking after four kids, two adults on a Ferris wheel. It's very hard to take in the view when you're constantly worrying that your daughter is going to dive out of the Ferris wheel.

Anyway, they did let us go around a generous number of times, like six times on the Ferris wheel. So many times did we go around that by the last two, I was sort of thinking, I've had enough of the Ferris wheel. Can we? I'd like to have dinner. Anyway, I thought behind me is the sublime and the infinite God, basically. God is over there, beauty. And in front of me is man, commercialism, Gordy, making as much money off you as we can. And I thought from where I was

standing, oh, I have to make a choice, right oh I have to make a choice right I have to make a choice between the sublime and the commercial and I thought oh it's an interesting insight I walked back to where my family was on the grass behind the beach behind the ferris wheel and I turned and I looked once again and I saw now now, and this is when it happened, the true epiphany. Because from where I then stood, I could see the beach and the sunset and the catamaran and the infinity and the horizon stretching out. But I could see it now through the Ferris wheel. Through the Ferris wheel. Because the Ferris wheel, you know, it's not solid.

It's a series of metal tubes all connected to one another. It was a glitzy neon Ferris wheel, and then through that, through it, I could see the beach, and I could see forever. And I realized it's not a choice between. That was the old choice. Should I ever make as much money as I can or should I do important artistic work? Should I be in the world

or should I hate the world and transcend it? No. This is old thinking. The new thinking for James Donald Forbes McCann is this. We must get to the sublime through the commercial. It is only by making the most commercial podcast, the James Donald Forbes Catamaran Plan, that I get to the sublimity of the catamaran and the ocean and not having to worry about anything commercial ever again.

And so when I'm making this podcast, never again am I going to think, is that too commercial? Am I selling out? No. We must sell out at maximum speed. Full sail ahead to the sellout commercialism. Because that way lies authenticity and the future and a boat. Item number two, how can we use that epiphany? Well, I'll tell you another little story. I went on a podcast last week. Actually, to be fair, I went on a podcast about six weeks ago. I went on the Confessions of the Idiots podcast, and it just didn't come out. I recorded an episode with Sam Peterson, lovely fellow, and I just thought, oh, this hasn't come out. I must not be very good at doing

podcasts. I don't often go on other people's podcasts. Other people don't often ask me. I certainly never ask to go on other people's podcasts, but Sam Peterson reached out, God bless him, and he had me on. And we recorded it and I thought, oh, I just probably wasn't very good. That's why it's not online. And then six weeks later, last week, he uploaded it. Hey, James, how did going on the Confessions of the Idiots podcast affect the popularity of this podcast? The James Donald Forbes McCann Cutter Moran plan? Boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. We had our biggest week ever. We went up the charts. We became the 125th most popular comedy podcast in Australia briefly on iTunes.

I mean, it opened my eyes. If we're going to have clout, if we're going to have commercialism, that's what we've got to bloody do. No use having guests on our podcast, growing their audience. What we have to do to grow this podcast is get me on as many other people's podcasts as possible. That's how I'm using the epiphany. That's how I'm selling out this week. We're going to get me on other people's podcasts.

How? Hey, it's Mitch from SideNote Podcast, and I'm here to tell you about the new Google Pixel 9 powered by Gemini. Anyone who knows me knows the Pixel has always been my favorite out of all the phones I've ever had. Now, with Gemini built in, it's basically my personal AI assistant. Since I'm truly terrible at keeping up with emails, I use Gemini to give me summaries of my inbox, which is a lifesaver. And if I'm feeling stuck creatively, I just ask Gemini for help and bam, instant inspiration. You can learn more about Google Pixel 9 at store.google.com. How can I do that? Well, I could ask them. That's my first idea to get on other people's podcasts is to ask if I can go on their podcasts.

I don't usually ask to go on other people's shows. I don't ask to do their gigs. I'm not a good asker. I don't like to ask in case somebody says no or in case they say yes and I'm not very good. If other people ask you, the bar is much lower for your performance. But I see now that one must reach, one must be commercial, one must put oneself out there, and I have to ask to go on other people's podcasts.

So I've made a big list of other people's podcasts that I'm going to ask to go on, where I feel I could steal some of their audience. And item number three, I'm going to ask to go on where I feel I could steal some of their audience. And item number three, I'm going to ask right now. I'm going to ask right now on the podcast, Mid-Flight Brawl. That's an Australian comedy podcast hosted by Nick Cody and Luke Heggie. And it's the most successful comedy podcast by Australians with whom I am on friendly terms. There are more successful comedy podcasts by Australians. And either I don't know them very well, or I only know one of the people on the podcast,

or they actively dislike me. I'm pretty sure some of them know me and dislike me. But Nick Cody and Luke Heggie, lovely, lovely men. I get on well with them every time I see them. So I've written the following letter, open letter to Nick Cody and Luke Heggie of Midflight Brawl to ask if I can go on their podcast. Here is the letter. Dear Nick Cody and Luke Heggy, aka the Midflight Brawl podcast team. As you may know, I, James Donald Forbes McCann, have a podcast, the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. Luke, you were actually on an episode not long ago, and I thank you for your time.

See, it never hurts to be polite to people and to let them know you remember them. As you may also know, you both have a podcast, Midflight Brawl, where you discuss people who get into fights on aeroplanes. You have done over 100 episodes. Very impressive. Always good to be nice to people. I haven't listened to every one over 100 episodes. Very impressive. Always good to be nice to people. I haven't listened to every one of those episodes. I've listened to some.

I don't listen to podcasts, but I listen to some of this one. Over 100 episodes. So one would think why you'd be running out of fights on airplanes by now. But from what I can see, you still haven't done an episode on the United Airlines Flight 93 or the Munich Olympics. So clearly, there's still lots of material for you to work with. And that first two paragraphs there,

that's just sucking paragraphs. All right, moving on. I am writing today to ask if I can go on your podcast, Midflight Brawl. This would be good for me, as it would bring my podcast to the attention of thousands of new listeners. And this would also be good for the two of you, as it would bring your podcast to the attention of at least 130 listeners. That's about how many I get per episode at the moment, is 130.

And admittedly, some of those listeners probably already know about the Midflight Brawl podcast. So it might be closer to like a 10 listeners. But every listener counts. All right. Your podcast seems to never have any guests. And indeed, not having guests seems to be something you both celebrate on your podcast see what you do this is i learned this in sales raise the customer's objection for them so then you can get around it but you phrase it in your terms right rather than just letting them go i

don't want to buy foxtel i was selling foxtel door-to-door you know instead you knock on the door and go hey you probably don't want to buy Foxtel and then they go yeah and then you can lead them on you know you can maneuver them and go uh because um you're poor that's why you don't want to buy it and they'll go I'm not poor and then you go oh then you'd be wanting to buy Foxtel then and they'll go yeah that's an oversimpl. That's roughly how I would operate on the doors. So here I am raising the objection for them. Watch how we do this. Your podcast never seems to have any guests.

Indeed, not having guests seems to be something you both celebrate. Now, as a man myself who frequently does have guests on his podcasts, let me just say, I understand. Guests are frequently boring, and organising a convenient time to record their bland pleasantries is almost as difficult as pretending to enjoy said bland pleasantries. However, I promise to do it at whatever time is good for you, and to be very entertaining.

Still, here's some contingencies. Still, if you would have me on as a guest, I'd be very honoured. And if not, I have several backup proposals. Proposal number one. I note that you have a second podcast about fighting on land called Land Larrikins. Well, perhaps you and I, and you there is a plural for both Nick Cody and Luke Hagee, the whole Mid-Flight Brawl podcast team, perhaps you and I can work together on a third podcast about fighting on a third surface, water.

Tentatively, we could title it ocean violence or if that's not catchy enough i've got more catchy names uh sea scuffles sea scuffles i thought was pretty good or if we do an episode all about fighting on a cruise ship you could call it cruising for a bruising i mean come on people Lots of money to be made with those podcasts. Proposal number two. I'm in Melbourne this Tuesday and Wednesday, if that helps. Proposal number three. Luke, I understand that you are a labourer. Perhaps there's some way for you to speak about my podcast in a positive light

with your fellow tradespeople and spread the word that way. All the best. Wrapping up now. Leave it on good terms. Hope all's well. Happy sailing. Much love. Your friend and fam friend and fam fan a fam friend famine fan that sounds like friend famine fan i'm a fan of famine your friend your fan

and your fam happy sailing catamaran ho, James Donald Forbes McCann. Let's send that off. Well, number one, I'm just going to say, I've said it now, it's an open letter. If you know the boys, the men, the genteel aristocrats of the Midflight Brawl podcast, please let them know that I've written that letter. If I don't have time to send it, i intend to fix some of the spelling and write that up properly and send that out to them on instagram but if i don't because i forget which or i feel bad about it and nervous oh i don't like reaching out to people for help

anyway let them hey would you let them know let them know i think that would be a better thing if the the 130 people listening to this podcast, if you went over to Midflight Brawl and you said, hey, you've got to have James McCann on there. I think that would be very useful. Okay. That's the epiphany. That's how I'm using the epiphany.

And that's me using the epiphany in real time. Let's have a few affirmations. Affirmations. I will get less angry at people working in menial jobs. Come on. I won't stop getting angry with them because I'm human. But the lady who's working at the Ferris wheel who's not letting me and seven other people onto the Ferris wheel. She's doing it by the book.

She's not getting paid. I mean, she's getting paid more than me, but she's not getting paid very much. We're all struggling. Here's another affirmation. I will ask even more people if I'm allowed to go on their podcast. And I'm going to start asking people who have guests on their podcast sometimes. I think that might be a smoother sailing, more convenient locomotion, frankly, might be an easier way to go around it. Here's another one. I will be asking

people if I can go on their podcast, even if they don't know me and I don't know them. And I will ask to go on their podcast even if I suspect they dislike me. You know, because maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there's not animosity and it's all in my fucking head. Here's another one. I will ask to go on the podcasts of people who I dislike. I'm going to get over that. I'm going to get over my big fucking ridiculous personality and I'm going to try and steal their clout. I'm going to

ask to go on podcasts for people who don't even have comedy podcasts. There's not always a need for me to go on and be funny. I could talk about finance. I could talk about spirituality. I could talk about what it's like to be a woman with an insatiable sexual appetite. That seems to be what a lot of the podcasts nowadays are about. I'm going to go on. I'm going to ask to go on. I can't necessarily do it, but I'm going to ask to go on people's podcasts. Oh, they're talking about politics.

They're talking about true crime. Maybe I'll do a true crime. Maybe I'll start my own true crime podcast in the deep about incredible sea mysteries. Affirmations. Lots to think about. Lots to love. I love you. It's so nice to have an epiphany.

A little bit of sugar for the brain. I love all of you. Keep it real. Catamaran ho. If you haven't signed up to the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan Patreon yet, may I encourage you to do so. We're making more money than ever, but it's still not enough for me to buy a boat yet. I love you. I miss you. Keep it real. Catamaran ho. Ketamaran Ho. Bye.