The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - 14: A 2nd Iron in the Fire
Episode Date: March 27, 2022we’ve got one iron in the fire - now it’s time for iron number two @Luke and Lewis, can I plz come on your podcast?Join the JDFMCP Patreon and get many many many bonus episodes: https://www.patreo...n.com/jdfmccann Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan.
If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon.
That's patreon.clom.
Clom? Ah, we f***ed it.
Anyway, look, you'll find a way.
Catamaran Home!
So now, ladies and gentlemen, it is start time.
Are you ready for start time?
Thank you, and thank you very kindly.
It is indeed a great pleasure to present to you at this particular time,
national and international known as the hottest working man in show business.
It is the man who has released podcast episodes such as
40,000 Baby Turtles,
Holiday Bonus Episode Cuban No. 3,
Professional,
I Quit My Job, Extraordinarily Rare and Valuable Collectibles, Episode Cuban number three. Professional. I quit my job.
Extraordinarily rare and valuable collectibles.
Huge cash giveaway.
An enormous failure.
The history of the boat shoe.
Epiphany.
Three special guests in Aidan Jones.
Mr. Donnie Mike, the amazing Mr. Please Please Himself,
the star of the show, James...
Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan.
Oh, you know I feel all right.
You know I feel all right, baby.
It's so good to be here with you
on the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan,
the only podcast that I've heard of where I, James Donald Forbes McCann,
try to get enough money with a podcast to buy my own boat.
We need about $500,000.
We're getting that through advertising.
We're getting that through Patreon subscriptions.
We're getting that through reinvesting the money we already have
in a series of bewildering but lucrative plans.
And at the moment, what we're trying to do is to grow this podcast.
Everything I'm doing at the moment on the podcast is about one thing.
It's about getting more listeners.
It's about clout.
Clout.
I tried making a better podcast.
You know, that paid some dividends.
And that might have made you happy.
But it doesn't grow the podcast by nearly enough,
what I've discovered through my epiphany.
Epiphany.
What we need is other people's reach, clout from other people.
I need to desperately socially climb to get other people to put me on their podcast
so that their listeners will be moved in a big title shift.
I'm only saying title there. I don't know if it's
really appropriate, but it seems sort of nautical to get their audience into my audience. And then
we silo that audience under our control in our subscription, and we can give them our advertising.
And then I can have a boat. Last week, I sent out an open letter, as you may remember,
to Luke Heggie and nick cody of the
mid-flight brawl podcast and i'm very happy to say ladies and gentlemen that has paid dividends
well it's paid a rain check two dividends uh i spoke to heggie on instagram i spoke to nick cody
at the comics lounge i was in melbourne for a of days, just a few days ago, and both seem positive. I think they both got a lot on at the moment because the Melbourne
International Comedy Festival is coming up. But I think we can expect that something of some kind
will be happening with the Midflight Brawl podcast and this podcast in the near future. I want to
thank them. And you know what? The easy thing to do, the easy thing to do,
the old James McCann thing to do would be,
hey, that's one iron in the fire.
Why would you need a second iron in the fire?
Let's just have one iron in the fire at any given time.
If we leave too many irons in the fire,
maybe we'll forget about some of them, you know,
and that could be a fire risk.
But what would the shiny brand new James Donald Forbes McCancey?
What are the fruits of the epiphany?
What say you now as a man transformed?
Hey, what if we put several irons in the fire simultaneously?
Actually, I don't know what you do with irons in the fire.
I assume it's some sort of blacksmithing term.
But, like, do some of them not work out?
And some of them do work out?
It's like, hmm.
People say you don't want to count your chickens before they hatch.
Well, I want more eggs in the nest in case some of them don't hatch.
Man, I'm going to...
And neither of those is a nautical metaphor, which is unfortunate.
You've got to have lots of ships in your merchant fleet
in case a storm destroys one of them.
There we go. How's that?
So, what we're doing today is we've got another open letter coming up.
And indeed, I think along with the affirmation section of the show,
I think we're just going to have to have, in the future,
affirmations every week, another open letter to another podcast
to get me on there to grow the clout.
And that's what we've got coming up today.
That's the first item of business when we open this general meeting.
Let's open the general meeting.
Let's open it now.
Where are my keys?
The general meeting is open. Let us begin.
I'm writing a letter to Luke and Lewis.
Luke and Lewis are stand-up comedians and they're really very good.
They're very good, which is unusual because they're also internet personalities with a big reach.
And they're also very good at that. And in Australia, at least, the people who are good at the internet are almost never the same people who are good at performing on stage.
I mean, the people who are really good at performing on stage, they're often heroin addicts, and they just can't time posts properly.
Well, they're not often heroin addicts, but sometimes they're heroin addicts.
Other times they're addicted to other things things like pussy or methamphetamine cocaine largely or
hobbled by adhd and being on stage for an hour is really the only time where their brain is
cleared out conversely there are so many people who are good at the internet who are f***ing terrible at live performance.
I mean, astonishingly bad.
These people you meet from Twitter, right?
Like big Twitter personalities who say nasty, snarky, hilarious things on Twitter.
You go and meet them in real life and they're, number one, just extraordinarily ugly.
And number two, incapable of eye contact. They have,
you know, they can communicate in 140 letter missives, but they absolutely, they try and
do stand up comedy. And it's frankly an embarrassment. Luke and Lewis are the counterpoint to that.
They're the, one of the only examples I can think of. There's a few others.
Neil Kolhatka, well done. I think Neil Kolhatka's great. And you know what? I'd go on Neil Kolhatka's
podcast in a moment. Friendly Geordies, hey, get me on there, mate. But Luke and Lewis,
stand. Well, I know them. And I did their show in Melbourne. So that's a pretty good reason to
try and get on board. I haven't told them about this.
I did their gig, and it was really nice of them to let me up,
and it just felt like they'd already been doing me a favour.
So I didn't want to also say, and can I go on your podcast?
That wasn't the time for it.
The time for it is now.
Now.
Clout.
Affirmations.
Tiffany.
Clout.
Now.
Luke Kijal is a beautiful teen heartthrob slash stand-up comedian.
He makes great viral videos and lovely light banter, wonderful stuff.
And Lewis Spears is sort of a very tall, and as tall as he is, high.
He's highfalutin.
He's in the politics.
He's in the cerebral area.
And they come together for a podcast, the Luke and Lewis podcast,
and they have a
wonderful, lovely audience. And I've got to reach out. I've got to grab a piece of their clout.
Here is the second installment of open letters to people who are more successful than I am
asking for them to help me. Dear Luke and Lewis, congratulations both on your fantastic recent successes.
Lewis, I watched your impassioned defence of freedom of speech on SBS recently.
Sir, I applaud you.
Not only did you muster the courage to enter what threatened to be a hostile set-up by tut-tut progressives,
but your performance was commendable, funny, articulate and graceful.
Congratulations.
And Luke, I saw a viral video you made got shared by Justin Bieber the other day.
Dude, that's sick.
As you both may remember, last week you were kind enough to let me perform at your new stand-up comedy show.
Downstairs in a video game restaurant.
Thank you for that.
I had a great time.
You always have to be polite, you know.
And I did have a great time.
It was a wonderful audience.
And one exception, though, to having a great time,
I ordered a beer and it cost $16.
And I felt violated.
And you can't do that.
The man, I said, can I have a beer, please?
And he said, yeah, what beer do you want?
I said, I'll have a bolter.
Not that fancy a beer.
It's from Brisbane, and it comes in a can.
And the man goes, yeah, great.
And he puts it through, but the price doesn't flash up on the screen to tap.
And he starts pouring the beer, and I see the price is $16,
but he's already pouring the beer.
That's, at most, we're talking $5 worth of beer.
You're taking $11.
That is really immoral, really frankly an immoral price.
I know we're all coming back from COVID, and life is hard for everybody.
$16 for what I don't even think was an imperial pint.
I don't know.
I don't even think was an imperial pint. I don't know. I don't know.
But it was in a very thick glass,
and I suspect that that was there to trick me.
You cannot.
$16 for a fucking...
I'm poor.
Okay.
And I couldn't say, don't do it.
I just said, one beer?
And the guy said, yeah, one beer. And I couldn't say, don't do it. I just said, one beer? And the guy said, yeah, one beer.
And I just, I mean, as per last week's episode,
I'm trying not to get into as many kerfuffles
with people who work in the service industry.
So I just sat on that anger, paid them, honey,
and really could not enjoy the beer.
But the gig, I enjoyed a great deal the beer
struggled to enjoy it the gig wow terrific let's continue look into us it was a pleasure to perform
for your astonishingly wholesome audience so many comedy show audiences that i see are packed to the
brim with losers and degenerates, mean-spirited drug
addicts and the sexually profligate, but not at your show. That audience overflowed with the
freshness and vigor of optimism and youth. Luke and Lewis, I am writing to ask if I can go on your
podcast, the Luke and Lewis podcast. I note that you've had many guests on the show before.
But Luke and Lewis are, I assume, constantly looking for guests to have on.
And so I'd really just have to make myself seem like I'd be a good one,
which is what I'm trying to do now.
Here we go.
Look at this.
And this is another sales tactic.
Make yourself look good by comparison, right?
You don't have to be there in the abstract you
just have to be better like if scott morrison in the next election if there was a vote do you want
scott morrison as prime minister or not i suspect or not would win in a landslide but you don't get
that choice you get do you want to vote for scott morrison or anthony albanese and that is a slightly
more difficult uh decision for the Australian electorate.
So similarly, here I go, shitting on the competition.
I know that you've previously had many guests on the show,
guests like Amos Gill, Joseph Green, Rory Lowe, etc.
I am at least as good a podcast guest as two of those people,
and a much better podcast guest than one
of them and I think that's obscure enough that none of those three people will be upset with me
for saying it please let me come on your podcast I think I could be a real exciting dynamo in the
interview chair helping you gain several listeners and helping me gain just such a much bigger number of listeners.
All the best.
Catamaran Ho.
Much love.
Thanks again for the gig.
Let me know if you're doing it again.
Keep it real.
James Donald Forbes McCann.
Okay.
Item of business number two, the flyers.
You might have seen the flyers.
When I went to Melbourne over the last couple of days,
I had some flyers printed out.
I'm holding one now.
And it's an A4 piece of paper with some black text and a QR code
explaining the podcast and asking people to listen to it.
So if you've seen one of those and that's why you're listening, terrific.
I set up a thing
with the qr code that i can see how many people are scanning it when they scan it um i think i've
managed to get about 30 into people's hands and about 20 of these up on abandoned buildings in
melbourne of which there are several and so far of those 50 we've had 10 scans. That's one in five.
That's 20%.
20%.
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
This, I think, this flyers, flyering people, putting up posters,
more to be said, more to be thought of on that front.
But I think as well as the reaching up and grabbing
clout up and out i think it also it's it's worth reaching down to the grassroots and pulling people
up and here we are in the middle with a beautiful tension and what happens when there's tension
on the sail i think that's good i think that means the boat goes forwards So if you've seen the flyer
That's what's happening there
More to come on that front in the near future
And now I think it's time for some affirmations
Affirmation number one
I'm going to be more careful how I spend my money when I go out
I didn't know inflation was getting this
$16 for a beer
Is that robbery or is that inflation?
Something is wrong
Something is wrong.
Something is wrong when someone is charging $16 for a beer.
And I affirm I will not be doing that again.
How much is that beer is a question I will be asking.
Oh, I affirm that if we are in an inflationary cycle, if big inflation is happening,
then I will be a good steward of the money.
I'm not just going to keep it in Australian currency.
Maybe we might have to take the $3,000 we have.
I mean, $3,000 might not be enough money to buy a piece of toast in a week's time if we have a runaway German-style thing going on.
And I affirm that I will be a judicious custodian
of the wealth that you have entrusted in me for me to have a boat.
That might involve buying shares.
I might have to buy silver or some other precious metal.
Here's another one.
I affirm that I will meet with an accountant, and I affirm that I've done all these interviews
with people, and I just can't be bothered editing them.
I haven't had time.
I've been away.
The French, whatever.
I affirm that there are going to be more interviews on this channel in the future.
I affirm there's going to be more boat in the future.
I affirm, hey, have I told you this?
I went to the boat museum.
I went to the boat museum with my family.
I affirm that you'll be hearing about how that was in a future episode.
I affirm that I love you.
I affirm that I love my family.
I affirm that I love my friends.
I affirm that I love myself.
I affirm that I love God.
My prayer life is very, very bad at the moment.
My rosary broke.
Some beads I noticed had fallen off the rosary and I didn't
even know when that had happened because it had been so long since I'd prayed a rosary.
And that was upsetting. I will pray. I will fast. I will love. I will, it's, you know,
I will, it's, you know, it's tempting when you get wrapped up in the star time and the chout chasing, when you get wrapped up in the clout chasing, which is necessary.
You've got to chase that clout.
But we mustn't forget humility, excellence, the interior nature and quality of things.
I'm not...
We've got to look inside.
We've got to look to the self.
And I affirm that I will try and take some time out to just pray and be there with people.
To listen to the interior.
Let me not become a creature of the age.
Let me not become shallow.
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid.
I mean, I've got to go through that neon light to get through to the infinity on the other side.
But let it not destroy me on the way there.
Oh. I love you. I love you. Keep it real, everybody. Oh, catamaran ho. Who am I?
Who are you? Who can we be together? Catamaran ho.
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