The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - 15 - the doldrums

Episode Date: April 3, 2022

Today we are sending many open letters because we are stuck in the doldrums.Join the JDFMCP Patreon and get many many many bonus episodes: https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccanncome to see me at the Melbourne international comedy festival: https://www.comedyfestival.com.au/2022/shows/aesthetic Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! Can we make a battery so powerful it can run the next generation of renewable energy? At the University of British Columbia, we believe that we can. Thank you. today's most pressing questions. To learn how we're moving the world forward, visit ubc.ca forward happens here.

The doldrums, doldrums, noun, a state or period of stagnation or depression. It's also a nautical term. Turning to Wikipedia, the intertropical convergence Zone, ITCZ, pronounced itch, known by sailors as the doldrums or the calms. Because of its monotonous, windless weather is the area where the northeast and southeast trade winds converge. Don't say you don't learn anything on this podcast. It's not just a man chasing clout and coming up with schemes.

Sometimes I also tell you things from Wikipedia. Here's another more interesting thing about this from Wikipedia. In the age of sail, to find oneself becalmed in this region, the doldrums, in a hot and muggy climate could mean death. When wind was the only effective way to propel ships across the ocean, calm periods within the doldrums could strand ships for days or even weeks. And let us not forget the great poem, yes, the great Samuel Taylor Coleridge poem, The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner,

in which he writes, Day after day, day after day, we are stuck. No breath, no motion, as idle as a painted ship upon a painted sea. Ladies and gentlemen, we're in the doldrums. We are waiting on some breath to move this podcast to the clip that we might get a little closer to the financial excellence required for boat ownership. We've got 17 people on the Patreon. We've got about $150 coming in a month.

$150 coming in a month. That's enough if inflation didn't exist to buy a $500,000 boat in approximately five lifetimes. We got plans coming up. I'm going to sell mugs. I'm going to sell books, but those plans aren't coming through yet. So we got to get clout.

We got to get other people on board to help us. We got to get me on other people's podcasts, talking about this podcast, so we get more listeners, we get more advertising money, we get more Patreon people. Move towards that boat a little sooner. But it's hard. We're in the doldrums. Nothing's happening.

There's no movement. Maybe we'll get to do that Nick Cody, Luke Hagee podcast. I don't know. People are doing the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Very busy. Luke and Lewis. Wrote to them last week. They've got Melbourne Comedy Festival shows.

They're not getting back to me. What are we going to do? We're just going to turn up on this podcast once a week and send out one, one, one open letter at a time. Well, at that rate, we'll be doing this podcast forever. It's time to do something. It's time to get out of these doldrums. This episode we're doing multiple open letters to people more successful than me

to ask them to have me on their podcast to promote this podcast. Open letter number three. Open parenthesis. First for this episode, but third overall. to ask them to have me on their podcast to promote this podcast. Open letter number three, open parenthesis, first for this episode but third overall, close parenthesis. You may know Michael Hing from any number of his media commitments because Michael is, hands down, the most sought-after, successful media personality in the country. There are lots of people who have, like, one big show.

Hey, that's Karl Stefanovic. He hosts the Today Show, right? That's not Michael Hing. Michael Hing's everywhere. He's on commercial TV. He's on the ABC. He's on the internet. He's on the SBS.

Michael is everywhere. And I go way back with Michael. I've known Michael for years. So Michael, here is an open letter to Michael Hing. Dear Michael Hing, you may remember me from such interactions in your life, like hanging out backstage with James Donald Forbes McCann and staying at James Donald Forbes McCann's apartment in Adelaide. And that time, James said he could find you a room to do a gig in Adelaide. And I know I said this at the time, but just once again, I would like to apologise for several things that happened in that venue,

to apologise for several things that happened in that venue, including but not limited to the rat that I'm pretty sure was dying during your show. It was making a lot of loud noises. Also the truck that backed into the room to unload something and refused to be more quiet about it. Also I apologise for the smell. There was a very bad smell and that was, I did not know the venue would have that smell. You know, Michael, you said something very touching to me

while I was desperately trying to find a sound system for that terrible venue. Again, I apologise. You said to me, you said, James, I think you're addicted to crisis. And I sort of brushed that off at the time, but in the intervening years, I have come to understand, Michael Hing, that that was true. And I have done nothing to address the problem. I'm now the sole provider for a wife and two small children, and we are very poor,

and I'm putting almost all of my energy into a boat podcast from which I don't see a penny. You, however, bravo, Michael. Michael, in the intervening years, when I've been off being poor and in crisis and having a family, you have worn every conceivable hat in show business. The ABC's Good Game, the SBS's series Where Are You Really From? Michael, you are currently co-presenting the Triple J Drive radio program,

a much coveted position, and if that was the only thing you were doing, well, everyone would understand. But you're also the host on television of Letters and Numbers, Celebrity Letters and Numbers with Michael Hing. And Michael Hing has two successful podcasts. And I think the other night, which actually reminded me that you would be a great person to send an open letter to, you are, what, hosting the project?

Is that right? Unbelievable. Great new hairstyle, by the way. Loving the do. And I think you're doing comedy in a big way still. Michael, hardest working man in show business. Now, please, here's my request. For old times' sake, indeed for new times' sake,

please help me. Please. Please help me. I'm trying to get some clout to get attention and interest in the james donald forbes mccann catamaran plan so if on any of the platforms that you now have uh if you could amp i think the terminology people say is amplify my voice. If, you know, if I can come on the podcast, golly, I'll be charming. If there's some way to get me into that Triple J drive program, I'll come to Sydney. I'll come all the way to Sydney if it means it's easier to get me on the air for that. You know, if you know anyone at the project, give me a little tap on the old shoulder.

Oh, boy, you know what? I'd love to be on Celebrity Letters and Numbers. I think I'd be good. I'd be sporting. I'd wear a little captain's hat. Michael Heng, please help me. You're the most powerful man in show business in this country. I throw myself at your feet for mercy and forgiveness

for the things I've done before with that venue. I still feel very bad thinking about that. Sometimes I will wake up in the night and I'll think, fuck, that was crook. Michael, baby, please help. All the best. Much love. James Donald Forbes.

McCann. Catamaran plan. Another one. Open letter number four. But number two for this episode. No, look, can we just say four? Can we just say four and the next time we'll say five and people can remember how many there have been on this one, okay?

Okay. Open letter number four. Dear Conchetta Caristo and Lauren Bonner of the Big Natural Talents podcast. I started listening to your podcast because a pal of mine, Davo, recommended it to me. And Davo's been on your podcast, and I just wondered if I might be allowed to come on your podcast also to promote my podcast, this podcast, the James Donald Forbes, McCann, Kata Moran plan. You may remember me because my podcast was slightly higher up the charts than yours for about one hour last week. And then, of course, my podcast is Meteoric Rise and then a Meteoric Fall and it's now disappeared

entirely off the charts. But you ladies have staying power and you're still doing terrifically well on those charts. Bravo. And you're also doing the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. I listened to that on the most recent episode of the pod. And Lauren, I heard you say that your show was at Trades Hall at 6.40. There's a plug for you. And I just want to say, as a fellow who has done heaps of full festival length runs at Trades Hall, You hang in there. You can do it. I know people say that Trades Hall is in a bad location, that it's too far away,

and that the festival doesn't do enough to support it. But if you work hard and you believe in yourself, great things can happen. Conchita, this year, I, like you, am doing my Melbourne International Comedy Festival show at the Cooper's Inn. And can I just say, thank f***ing goodness for that. F*** doing a show at Trades Hall. I f***ing hate Trades Hall. Oh, oh, Trades Hall, let me tell you, bundled up with an infinity of bad memories. Even considering that I met my beautiful wife there. I met my wife at Trades Hall. She was flyering downstairs in the bar for somebody else's show,

and we hit it off, and she came to my show, and we went. It was great. It's the most tremendous, perfect memory of meeting the woman I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, the mother of my children. And even with that glorious occurrence at Trades Hall, she and I never, ever go back to Trades Hall because f*** Trades Hall, man. Oh, it's awful. Anyway, Conchita, Lauren, love the podcast. Keep up the great work.

I hope you have, hey, I hope you both have a wonderful Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Please, if while we're all there together, I could come on your podcast, that would be really great for me. It might be fine for you, but it would be great for me. All the best.

Catamaran Ho. James Donald Forbes McCann. Another one. Another one. Jump and jive it's open letter number five hello guy montgomery and tim batt of the worst idea of all time podcast tim i met you once in sydney i believe you came to see me do a not very good show or you at very least saw it was on and sat in the audience i don't know that anyone would at that point have come to see me do a show.

And Tim, I want to say thank you for doing that. And Guy Montgomery, you really gave me a big highlight last, you know, a few months ago. You shared one of my stand-up clips on Twitter, and I was just so moved by that. I actually don't remember Guy Montgomery, if we've ever actually met in the flesh. But when you shared that, oh, it made me go.

I went to my wife, who's a Kiwi, and I said, Guy Montgomery just shared something of mine on Twitter. And she said, Guy Montgomery? And, of course, we watch you with David Correos, lovely David Correos. I love David. I love David. And we watch you on Mastermind.

Actually, the show is called Taskmaster. And, anyway, can i come on your podcast can i please i'm really trying to i would love to break new zealand the wife's from dunners and i the first place i would like to sail on my catamaran is to new zealand which i'm told is a terrible idea that like it's an extremely hard voyage. Someone even expressed, they said, you can't, it's just a normal catamaran, you can't go to New Zealand. I don't know.

I don't know what I can and can't do, but I want to. I want to sail to New Zealand. If I could please have, if I could come on your podcast and speak to a New Zealand audience and try and get some more New Zealand fans, I would be very moved by that, even if it meant that I had to watch a movie and talk about it. Usually I don't like, I don't have time to watch a movie. We've got two small kids. I don't know how people do that, but I will make time to watch whatever terrible movie it is that you're watching over and over again

and talk about it in a personable way on the podcast. Three open letters is sufficient, I believe, for this week. So we'll send those out into the world. We'll see what comes back. I add as a caveat this additional open, open letter to you, dear listener. If you have a podcast, have me on. I'll come on. I don't care how trivial or small your audience.

Obviously, I'd prefer it if you had a big audience. Joe Rogan, if you're listening. Bill Burr, if you're listening. Mia Friedman. But whoever you are, whoever you are, if you've got a podcast, reach out, let me know, and I will go on your podcast. We've got to grow the listenership for this podcast. Item of business number two, after the open letters, I went around the University of Adelaide earlier in the week. I put up flyers. This is a part of my, you know, we're reaching up to try

and get clout over there, and we're doing grassroots marketing down below. You couldn't see when I said over there, but I was gesturing up. I want you to know that. So I put up all these flyers and let's find out right now. I'm going to go to the website that I used the QR code for on the flyers. We have had, since I put up, like 30 posters at the University of Adelaide. Oh, hey, we've had like five scans. Hey, that's pretty good. I didn't think it was going to be any because it wasn't the other day. They've been scanned five times. Hey, that's all right.

Hey, well, listen. Man, that's put the spring in the old step. That actually works a little bit. 30 flyers going up. Three little posters. A4, black and white paper, five scans. That's a wonderful strike rate. Oh, I've totally turned around. My mood has totally turned around. Maybe I'm wrong to be reaching up and out and getting clout from people. Maybe it's just flyers. Anyway, we'll think about that. We'll look into that. Five, that's good. Well, hey, if you're listening and you're one of the people who have scanned my flyer,

can I just say thank you? And do you have a podcast I can go on? All right. Let's have some affirmation. Affirmation. Affirmation number one. I will try and be more constant in my will and not just respond i mean that felt really nice the fact that five people had scanned that that really set off the dopamine in the old brain department

but you can't live dopamine hit to dopamine hit even if you're somewhere like the doldrums i think you just have to have constancy and faith whereas i don't have a lot of that. I'm not a very... I'm a sanguineous demeanour type person. I just want to feel good all the time. And if I don't feel good, I think that something terribly wrong is happening. And I know that's not right. We are moving on a journey together to boat ownership.

And I affirm that even if there are little doldrums along the way, I won't lose faith. I will keep the faith. And we're going to get me that boat. I affirm that I'm going to do more talking about the Patreon. 17 Patreons, new Patreon episode every week. Get aboard the Patreon. Climb aboard, sign up, cough in some cash

and get yourself those beautiful episodes or affirmation to be if that was to a i will tell more people about my upcoming shows i'm doing a show at the melbourne international comedy festival please come i'm doing i'm taking aesthetic there for a week as i mentioned at the cooper's inn oh boy affirmation number three i've just been feeling nervous and terrible this week because i'm getting a circumcision on monday no need to talk about that too much but i'm going to be horizontal for a lot of the next podcast number four i don't know i love you ah frankly i'm just super nervous about getting a circumcision. Not religious reasons, entirely medical. If you've watched some of my stand-up comedy, you'll be across that.

I've put it off for as long as I can. Anyway, much love. Much love. Much love. I'm so nervous. I've been drinking much too much this week to not feel anxious about it, just some terrible whiskies, and boy did I get on it last night, I went out to the football, and I watched the Crowboys fly, terrible game of football, wonderful ending, great to see the Crowboys get up, but again, it's not, you know, even if the Crowboys are a bad team, I'm still going to love them.

If they never win another game again, one should still love them. One should keep the faith, even in the doldrums. One should keep the faith. We're going to have more open letters. We're going to have more flyers. We're going to have more people on the Patreon. We're going to have more exciting episodes of the podcast. I want to thank David Correos.

And I just want to say I love you, everybody. I love you. I miss you. I need you. Catamaran ho. Let's do this. We can get it done. Believe in yourself. Three open letters. I'll let you know how many get back to me of the five by next week. And if not, we're going to have to up it to some absurd level of open letters or i might actually just have to start privately writing to people they don't all have to be open letters it's just occurred to me that they don't all have to be open letters and that some of them could just be letters closed letters dms so far maybe i could you oh fuck that's probably how people do it isn't it you just write up a DM

and copy and paste it and send it to like a hundred people and then yeah alright ah catamaran how everybody woo If you're looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered.

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