The James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan - a beautiful day

Episode Date: October 16, 2022

Off to America soon. It was a beautiful day today. Please imagine it being a beautiful day as you listen to this podcast.Partake of my #1 bestselling book of poems, Marlon Brando 9/11: https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B0B92NWWDCGet the audiobook and join the Patreon, and more: https://www.patreon.com/jdfmccann Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. If you'd like to listen to bonus episodes, go sign up to the Patreon. That's patreon.clom. Clom? Ah, we f***ed it. Anyway, look, you'll find a way. Catamaran Home! Usually, James starts recording the podcast three or four times. The first couple of times he starts recording it, he loses faith and has to start again.

This week, though, he set a record, and recorded the start of the podcast 26 inadequate times. When time ran out, and it was time to actually publish the podcast, there wasn't actually a podcast to edit. So, instead, here are the 11 least bad abortions. Yearning, yearning, yearning, yearning, my mind is trapped in a prison and the prison is my mind. Also yearning, yearning, yearning, yearning. Oh, it's a beautiful day. It's the nicest day of the year as I head outside. Open and up my front door.

Walk on out into the glorious sunshine of this episode of the James Donald Force McKenann Catamaran Plan Podcast. And my name is, hello, how are you? Oh, isn't it nice? Isn't it wonderful? I'm so embarrassed. I thought I was alone. It's such a nice day.

All my neighbors have come out. Oh, my Lord, I'm so embarrassed as I get into the Volvo. And people could hear me, and now I'm here with you in a hot, sweaty Volvo. Try again, you can always start again. Everybody gets a second chance. Dear listener, by the time you hear this, I will be in America. Unless you're listening to this after I've come back from America, in which case you're listening to this since I have been in America,

unless you're listening to this in the very first few days after it comes out, in which case I will be going to America soon. My point merely being that this week I am going to the United States of America. And what a, I mean, on some level, frightening. If you're listening to this and you're in America, let me tell you, your media perception for people who have never been to your country before could be better. I know you used to have excellent soft power and media control, but most of what I see from America now is television programs in America actively attacking America, or body cam footage. attacking America or body cam footage.

I've seen two police body cam footage videos this week, and I must say neither has been complimentary. If I was the US police force, I know it's not one single pan-national identity. Identity? Entity? Entity? Entity. Entity? Yes. Start again, start again, start again. Third verse, same as the first.

Yearning, yearning, yearning, yearning. You know, I had a dream last night. And unlike most dreams where something perverse happens or something insane. It was a dream for an idea for a stand-up comedy set. And it wasn't even like an idea that I had to drill down and make into a comedy set. The dream was me doing this comedy set.

And possibly it's a whole show. In fact, in the dream, the name of the show that I was doing was called Counting to 600. That was the number. And I woke up and I wrote down what the show was, this hour-long show, Counting to 600. It was. the show was, this hour-long show counting to 600.

It was. And the show is that I count to 600, but I talk about the numbers on the way. So you start maybe at one, right? You don't have to start at one. I think I would start at one, though. Some people would say, you've got to start at one. I think I would start at one, though. Some people would say, you've got to start at zero. But these people are wrong. You're going to start at a, it doesn't have to be a whole number, does it?

You could start at 0.9, 1.1, 1.003. But in my dream, I started with one, and I came out on stage, and everything I was saying was getting raucous laughter, even though in hindsight, they're not really jokes. I would say, you know, one, everybody, one. The number one. One is the best number.

Everyone wants to be number one. I could have quotes to be number one. I could have quotes about being number one. If you're not first, you're last, Ricky Bobby. Ricky Bobby's dad. But is any number so maligned as one, as lonely as one? One is the loneliest number. So one is like the best number and the worst number.

And two, ladies and gentlemen, the number two. Well, it's good to be in a couple, too. But second is very bad. Number four, do it some more for yearning for yearning yearning for. You know, dear listener, I know this will come as a surprise to many of you. A shock even. But I have... Oh, gee.

I have no peace. There's nowhere that I can go to record this podcast. Car after car is now driving down what I thought to be a quiet suburban street. I don't have an office. I don't have a spare room. I'm on the run. Virginia Woolf said a woman to be a writer needed a room of one's own. How about a man with a room of one's own for crying out loud? I got a Volvo and I make do. And it's, you know, it's the first hot day where I haven't had an office. It's not even hot. It's actually lovely with the windows down, but then I got the windows down and I try and do the podcast and I just feel very embarrassed.

I feel embarrassed even talking about it. Five, five, five, five, five. Anxiety's a funny thing, isn't it? Anxiety's a very strange, funny... What is anxiety? I used to think anxiety was sort of God's shadow. Do you know what I mean? I just mean that anxiety is sort of your capacity

to understand how you wish things were. And I think it's maybe not an accident, an unhappy accident, but maybe it's not an accident, that people with, you know, arts degrees who spend a lot of time with literature and rather than doing things or enjoying their lives, they fixate upon the big questions. These people experience a large amount of anxiety

that perhaps they really have managed to improve the soul. I don't know. It's all just wank, really, isn't it? It's all a lot of wank. Fear, anxiety. Is it the same thing? I had to write an article about anxiety that dogs have. I say article.

Website for a company that's trying to sell anti-anxiety drugs for dogs. Ah, let's not go too much into it. I had to write 6,000 words on dog anxiety. I'll give you this hint, dear listener. I don't know anything about dog anxiety. Anyway, I've been drinking. Yeah, I've been drinking. Here's something I thought about this week that I had never really thought about before,

is that in America, they always have their elections early in November. You know, first... I think it's always in the first few days of November. And they're actually going to have their midterms in just a few weeks, shortly after I come back from America. I'm going to miss the midterms, but I hope to be there in time to see some of the looting.

There just seems to have been elections and looting hand in hand the last few times, and I wonder if we will get looting this time around anyway. My thought was just that Halloween seems to be a big thing in America, and that's on October 31. And it seems to me that that's very close to the elections in early November. close to the elections in early November.

Now, in sitcoms and drama, dramas, is dramas the correct plural of drama? I don't know. But like in TV shows, you know, you'll have your election episode of a sitcom, but then you'll also have your Halloween episode of a sitcom. And it occurred to me that every second Halloween in America is like an election. And every election goes through Halloween in the cycle. So, you know, you have these people putting signs out in front of their yard saying, vote Biden, vote Trump, vote whoever, you know,

DeSantis, Kamala. Kamala. You know what I'm saying? But it's also Halloween, so you've got people in spooky costumes and pumpkins next to it and that they must always go together. Am I right about that? Am I wrong about that? But it never comes across that way in a sitcom. They're separate episodes. There's the election episode and your Halloween episode. I can't think of a show that has an election on Halloween type setup.

Anyway, is it important? It's probably not important. It made me think about... I want to talk about three things today on the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan podcast. A podcast that is all about trying to raise enough money to buy a catamaran. And may I just say as thing number zero, before we start, the three things is the, would we say addendum, the preface, the beforehand.

I want to say thank you for listening to this podcast. Hopefully some ads played before you started listening. You probably got one ad. Maybe that was an ad for the ACAST network. Maybe it was an ad because your penis doesn't work right and they want to sell you a pill for that. Maybe it was even an ad telling you to put big pharma vaccinations into your body.

I don't have control over the ad, but what I do have control over is saying now thank you for listening to that ad apparently at some point i'll start getting money from the ads at the moment i have no money from the ads still even though we're getting you know you need a certain but whatever that money will be used for the catamaran. Thank you. Eight, don't be late. Eight, not feeling great. Eight, very late. Okay, I want to talk about three things today. Just three things. Will it end up only being three things? No. I mean, because is one of those three things describing how I want to talk about three things? No. So that would make it four things, right? Three things and thing number four, which comes before the three,

talking about the three things. So I want to talk about four things. Okay. Thing number one, I want to talk about three things. Thing number two, thing number one of the three things. It's the second, and it's the first.

An idea came to me for a comedy show, a comedy bit at very least. So that's thing number two, which is thing number one. Thing number three, slash four. Wait a minute. No. Two slash three. More.

Jimmy can't do it. Nine a world away from fine. Hey, everybody. How's it going? This is James Donald Forbes McCann here for the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. But you already know who it is! I don't have to tell you who it is

because this is a podcast and you are able to see the name of it. It's not like the radio, you know? It's not. A f***ing terrible start to the war. Ten how many times do I have to start again when ten when? I'm quite nervous about going to America. I don't mind telling you that.

Hello, this is James Donald Forbes McCann of the James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan. Feeling much healthier this week. Feeling much more drunk than last week when I was also drunk, but this time I'm alone. One is the loneliest number. But one is also the best number, isn't it? You know? One, oh, I'm so alone. But then also, I want to be number one. So that's really a flip side, positive, negative dichotomy on the number one. Number two, two in a union, two together, two in a marriage, two to be whole, but also two, second, second best. You're my second priority.

This is all negative. This is all, you know. At the same time, two is what the one yearns for and one is what the two yearns for. Wasn't that beautiful? Three, of course, is the most mystical stable of numbers. Trinity, Trinitarianism. The one, the two, the three, third wheel, though.

That's the negative. That's the flip side. When is one good? When you're winning. When is one bad? When you're on your own. When is two good? When you're together.

When is two bad? When you're looking at number one. You know? When is three good? When it's mystical. When is three bad? When you're looking at number 2 here's an expression people don't have though 4th wheel

4 awesome foursome quads I think 4 is is maybe never as good as 3, 2 or 1 you know but it's never as bad either 4 Four is really in the middle. Think about it. Eleven, eleven, eleven, eleven. I will talk about this. This is what's actually

got me down today because I was meant to do some work today and I just couldn't do it. I was too flat and I thought, was I sick? But no. A man who I know, who I've blocked I blocked his telephone number so that he would stop pestering me because this man is a serial pest and so I blocked him. It's hard because I love him. He has many wonderful qualities but I just couldn't do it. So I said hey listen he'd done some stuff that I found to be uh unconscionable I said if you're ready to apologize let me know

but otherwise I'm not having this anymore I blocked him which you know it's obviously it's hard for him to apologize it's hard for him to apologize if I've blocked him. Well, not that hard. We know people and he, you know, he knows where I am. He knows how to find me. So basically I just, yes, threw the block on and he's now international. And so he's got a new mobile phone number and he decided to use that you know he still got my car I haven't changed my phone number so um I wasn't breached in the Optus unpleasant although I might go and sign up with Optus now because they're never going to have better security than they do now I wouldn't think you know fool me once and so on and so forth and uh yes he sent me a fresh text today, and I said, hello. You know, bugger off, basically.

More or less. I tried to be more charitable than that. Because I do love him, and I want him to be well, but I tried to make it clear that until he was ready to submit to an exorcism. Put himself right. When you're a... I tell you what, when you're a single man with no dependents, you're sort of free to have the confidences of

and acquaintance with weirdos and nutters of all stripes. And it sort of, if, it gives you energy. It's an exciting, moving, grooving, happening thing. I've hung out with many insane people. I've had many friends who are addicts, drama people. Exciting, weird, interesting people. And then I have a family now, and I want to protect them and basically just give them my energy.

And I don't have the energy to, even if you're a wonderful, interesting person, if you're a nut and you live in a parallel reality where no one can go with you, you know, if you're abusive. If you're any of these things, I just, I can't. Sorry. There's no, there's no having it, you know. There's no, what time of the day am I meant to have for getting into an argument with somebody?

I don't do it anymore. If you're, you know, if you're going to start some sh**, get out. I watch a lot of black people giving advice on Instagram. And that's what the algorithm has for me. It's like Shaq talking about money. Or Steve Harvey talking about relationships or Charlemagne the God talking about whatever it is he's on about. It's

great common sense delivered. I really am. You don't have a choice. You've got to act like you've got some sense to quote some of the videos i've been watching and so i just like can't do it anyway so i i basically said hey off your trot off your trot i mean i was way funnier and cleverer than just saying off your trot in this text message but you told him to submit to an exorcism i don't know there's no need to go into it and then he emailed, of course, he has my emails as well. So to block the email too.

And at some point you just go, oh, I don't mind having this conversation with you if you're listening to this and you're the person I'm speaking about. If you're paying for me to have a boat, I think, and that's the way you've decided to get back in contact. Well done. That's a proxy apology. That's really all I was after. Sorry, I don't want to be vague.

I don't want to be vague posting. I think we've all got those people in our lives, though. Who are you going? Are you fucking insane? Do you know what I mean? These people, often it's in our family, it's our friends, people we've known for years, but you go, around this person there's always like honour,

there's always argument, there's always difficulty. And then with other people in my life, there's no difficulty. It's just a smooth locomotion, it's just easy. And my life is so hard, what do I need to make it difficult? Why do I need someone in my life who's gonna you know people always say you need someone to call you on your sh** and I go I don't I don't you know how good do you think my life is going that I need someone to call me on my sh** I know that it's life. Life is calling me on my shit.

I'm talking about someone else now. But, you know, oh. People just, people really get off. People really get off on being negative and down and cruel and weird. Fires off the dopamine sector of their brain. And, you know, partially it's quite lovely. It's quite lovely to have someone do that too because it means they're paying attention.

I'm not saying that's why people stay in abusive relationships, but golly, that's got to be a part of it. You know, a kiss with a fist and all that. Someone who's really focusing on making your life miserable. But they are focusing on you. And, you know, the opposite of love is inattention, not that sort of viciousness. So it is nice, nice to have someone reach out, you know.

And this man who went at me today, he writes beautifully. He's insane. I mean, it's the level of, I mean, he'd be, if we lived in a time before text, he'd be cutting open, you know, he'd be writing messages in blood and slipping them under the door. But when you looked at them, you'd go, well, it's really beautiful script. And some of the word choices are quite inspired you know great word economy for a man who's bleeding out he's already thought about it it is nice to um sorry ah sorry i'm burned but you know what I mean? It's just like it's nice. Yeah, part of it's nice to have someone. And I was happy. I thought, oh, he's still alive. Good for him.

Good for me. I'm glad he's alive. But then I also went, oh, I'm not. I could have got, I mean, what he wants is for me to get into it and to expend energy and to focus on him. It's not really paying attention to me. It's to put himself at the center of an orbit. And now I'm talking about him and I'm thinking about it. And I find that very draining. And if I'm honest, if he was a little, I mean, I'm not just saying this to be cruel, I don't

think, but if he was just a little more brilliant, a little bit smarter, a little bit funnier, a little bit more interesting, if he was better read rather than just having the appearance of someone who was well read, I might let him abuse me a little more, but he's not quite worth it, you know? I've known people who are worth it. I'd like to think I'm worth it. All the people I abuse. No, I can genuinely... I don't think I'm saying this in a gaslighting way,

but I just... I never have time for that with other... I'm sure it feels great. Anyway, it feels good to be harassed in that way. In a bigger sense, it's awful. It f***ed awful the whole day but like part of it is um tremendous is what i'm trying to convey you know it's mixed it's complicated but i also see that it must feel great to be angry and to fix that on someone

trying to destroy you know like to just to be this. If he's writing them to me, he must be writing them to other people because I am not that big on this man's radar. Yeah, the drama, that ego. I'm sure it would really help you get out of bed in the morning. But I don't know the last time that I wrote a text or an email or called somebody and was like, hey, this is everything you're doing that I think is wrong. I just don't. I don't like conflict enough to do that.

Man, probably feels fucking terrific to do that and to actually get an apology out of somebody. Can you imagine how good that must feel to just like unnecessarily attack somebody and have them say sorry to you? I mean, you'd feel so powerful. But I don't think I... I don't want to toot my own horn, but I don't think I ever do this. I just go inward.

Or I cut people out and I go, you know, I don't want to toot my own horn, but I don't think I ever do this. I just go inward. Or I cut people out. I don't have... Truth is charity, you know? But I don't... For many people, for peripheral people, for friends and acquaintances and work... I don't think I... I don't love enough.

I don't have enough love to abuse in that way, you know, to risk all the negativity from starting drama. I just don't care enough to do it. And I think that's probably a nastier thing. Maybe I only think it's nastier because it's me. And you talk yourself down. You make yourself out to be the greatest villain. And it's actually not that bad. But no, I absolutely just let people drift away. Oh, sorry everybody. I didn't know that I was going to go down that avenue.

Now I have. I've got to get a haircut this week, and I know someone who gives haircuts. I think I'm coming to your haircutting shop tomorrow. But thanks for putting up with me and my rambling. I'm now going to attempt to record the actual, quote-unquote, podcast. Thank you. Try again. You can always start again. Everybody gets a second chance. Can trees help us grow more resilient to climate change?

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